What'ere, Jane Eyre

Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow

2011-10-31T23:15:00.002-05:00

Top Chef: Just Desserts - Season 2, Episode 10

In the final episode, our three finalists are put through their usual paces. Each of the chefs must make a showpiece, an entremet cake, a bonbon, a plated dessert, and a bread course for the judges and a bunch of Names. There's also supposed to be some connection between the desserts and the chefs' loved ones, but it's fairly pointless. The Names help out as sous chefs on Day 1, and as we've seen in the past, eliminated contestants come in and are forced to help on Day 2.

Each chef gets two helpers, one of their choosing and one chosen at random. As fun as it would be to see someone get stuck with Dr. Teeth, it is not to be. Matthew gets Megan assigned to him, then chooses Carlos. Chris gets Rebecca, and chooses Amanda. Sally gets Vanarin (who everybody's forgotten), and chooses Orlando. This last choice is most important, because Sally knows full well that she's weak at making showpieces, so she sets Orlando to executing her design.

All three chefs work hard to impress the diners, though Matthew makes the weird choice to wander so far out of his comfort zone in service of risk-taking that everything he makes winds up looking so-so, with the showpiece being particularly ugly. That brings it down to Sally and Chris, and... Well, let's see...

Chris has been a focused overachiever from the start, while Sally has gone with the flow. Chris' story of leaving behind a newborn daughter with a heart condition is played to the hilt, while Sally has an ostensibly typical home life. And there's the most decisive factor: Chris made his own showpiece, while Sally used the help she was provided and expressly told to use. Well! We can't have that! Chris naturally takes the title, which is understandable and well-earned, though I don't think anybody can claim to be surprised.

So, shall we spend a moment talking about the season as a whole? If you don't count Top Chef Masters -- which I don't -- this has unquestionably been the gentlest crop of contestants this franchise has ever seen. A lot of people found that boring, but I thought it was a nice change to watch a competition that centered almost exclusively on challenges and not on maladjusted psychotic douchebags. Nobody wailing about their mommy's red-hots. No snide junior high cliques. No catty, backstabbing, egocentric bitches throwing glitter bombs. No homophobic jerks tearfully talking about their children while sitting on a stash of kiddie-porn. Just a bunch of mature adults, doing their best to excel in a competition that put their skills to the test. Novel, huh?

The challenges ranged from fine to great, with no real catastrophes to piss me off. If there's one issue I took with the season, it's that the judging showed no improvement from the lackluster panel last season. Gail is still a perfectly genial host, but Hubert still looks like he wishes he were eating savory dishes, Dannielle still shows no sign of why her opinion is any more relevant than your Great Aunt Betty's, and Johnny has become even more wooden and cranky.

Like I said, I'm pleased that there was no sucky challenge that turned out to be unwinnable, because there's almost nothing that makes me angrier. If there is something that can achieve it, though, it's the Chef-22. This isn't specific to Johnny; Ptom and Padma are known to indulge in this ugly practice. But at least they usually have the good grace to spread it out over multiple episodes. Johnny chided someone for having the temerity to make him wait after chiding someone else for not making her dessert to order, literally in the span of five minutes. In this finale, Sally is given a sous chef to help, and then punished for using said help. So, sorry you lost the weight for nothing, Iuzzini, but I'm afraid your television persona needs more of a workout than your biceps.

Overall Grade: B
Overall Season Grade: B

World War Chew

2011-10-26T00:28:00.000-05:00

Top Chef: Just Desserts - Season 2, Episode 9

It's time to decide the finalists, so let's be sure to pour on the emotion! Calls home! Orlando's mom had to come to terms with his sexuality! Chris' daughter has a heart condition! Matt misses his wife! Sally comes from an immigrant family!

That dispensed with, Gail is joined in the Kitchen by Suzanne Goin for no reason, as there is no Quickfire tonight. But hell, I like Suzanne Goin, so sure, let's have her along for this announcement. Instead of a Quickfire, the chefs will have an extended Elimination Challenge. There are several nations' flags offered, and the chefs each pick one:

Chris: France
Orlando: Spain
Matt: Italy
Sally: Cuba

Now, the twist. The chefs have to make a dessert dish...that looks like a savory dish from the country they chose. Ouch. Sometimes, the twists and turns of the challenges can be a little silly, but this one is devious without being stupid or unmanageable. I like it! Matthew is sitting pretty, as he creates "manicotti" without much trouble. Orlando hits upon "paella", but doesn't think to do a rice pudding, which is odd to me. Sally dithers and second-guesses herself until she's forced to settle on making a "Cuban sandwich".

And Chris? Chris chooses "Beef Wellington", which Johnny notes is rather more English than French. The judges then bend over backwards to excuse him for it, and overlook him using store-bought puff pastry instead of making his own. Ladies and gentleman, our ordained season winner!

A large assortment of Names judges the challenge, with special guest judge Cat Cora, who looks fantastic all gussied up for the camera and not in her usual stressed-out-frantic-cooking mode. Matthew smirks to the camera that his wife better not find out about his secret crush on Cora, wink-wink. Um, Matt? Even if you were single, I don't think she'd be interested.

When it comes to judging, Sally's looks far-and-away most like her inspiration food, and she takes a much-deserved win.

With Chris automatically safe because we all know he's going to win the competition now, that leaves it between Matthew, whose "manicotti" was too safe, and Orlando, whose "paella" was kind of a mess. Lo and behold, Orlando's persnickety attitude can't keep him afloat any longer, and he's set adrift. So, we're down to our final three. Well, we're actually down to our winner, but we should probably let them have their finale anyway, right?

Overall Grade: B-

Easy As Pie

2011-10-19T00:02:00.001-05:00

Top Chef: Just Desserts - Season 2, Episode 8

Tonight's episode kicks off with Chris sharing some family drama that usually portends either a stunning victory or a looming elimination. His newborn daughter has some medical issues, and he wants to win the competition to help pay for the treatments. That's an eminently noble motivation, of course, but you've got to think the producers are sitting there thinking "Stop talking about how you're going to spend the money on your kids! You're supposed to be obsessed with your career!"

In tonight's Quickfire, the chefs are asked to make a pie for Gail and guest judge Francois Payard. Just baking a pie is too simple, of course, so the chefs are forced to do it one-handed. Everyone manages pretty well, except poor Matthew, who merely nudges his pie with his off-limit hand for one moment. That's enough to disqualify him from the win. It turns out not to matter, as Sally and Chris take the bottom two spots, and Orlando and Carlos take the top. Orlando's four-berry pie looks remarkably good, but it is Carlos who scores the win and the $5000 prize.

For the Elimination Challenge, it's time for Dana Cowin to host another fake party. In this case, it's got a carnival theme, and the chefs are told to to make upscale food inspired by usual carnival fare. My gorge immediately begins to rise, because I just know somebody's going to include fucking funnel cake. Yuck. Indeed, Chris makes funnel-cake-infused ice cream.

It's not very successful, and he lands in the bottom with Carlos (who made mini-burgers and fries out of dessert ingredients that look wonderful, but taste off) and Orlando (who once again gives the judges a description he can't sell when his candy apple inspiration leads to a chocolate dessert). Sally and Matthew get top marks, with Matthew snagging the win. Carlos takes the long walk home, much to our viewing party's despair. Though I had Sallyesque leanings before this episode, they're now full-blown. Get it, girl!

Overall Grade: B-

D'oh Nuts

2011-10-12T16:13:00.004-05:00

Top Chef: Just Desserts - Season 2, Episode 7

Another evening, another strange opening scene in which the -- Rivalry? Dislike? Sexual tension? -- between Sally and Katzie is superficially explored. Honestly, it's baffling. The not-at-all-unexpected friendship between Chris and Matt is also mentioned, making me think one of them is not long for this competition.

In tonight's Quickfire, the chefs are tasked with making an exciting doughnut (to serve with coffee) for Gail and guest judge Mark Israel. The winner won't get immunity, but will score a quick ten-thousand dollars. It's not all sprinkles and sugar, though, because the loser of the Quickfire will be eliminated. Pretty harsh for someone in the final seven. Sally, who's always good for a reaction shot, bugs her eyes out upon hearing this news.

When time runs out, Carlos and Sally take the top spots, with Carlos winning the challenge and the prize. Yay, now one of his kids can go to college for a third of a semester! Megan, Matt, and Orlando comprise the bottom three, and Orlando thinks that with elimination hanging in the balance, now would be a peachy time to whine and nitpick about his placement. However, since this is a television show and not real life, copping an attitude is actually a positive, and poor, normal Megan is shown the door. Not to say that her elimination isn't fair; her doughnut did look fairly gross.

The Elimination Challenge is yet another team challenge, in which chocolate re-establishes its reign as King of Dessertland. Each team must make a showpiece, and each team member is responsible for an individual dessert, as well. The teams shake out to be:

Orlando/Carlos/Sally
Chris/Matt/Katzie

Orlando and Chris immediately go head-to-head on the showpieces, although neither can see what the other is doing, as partitions have been put up to keep everyone's eyes on their own papers. Orlando passes along a recipe to his team, and trusts Carlos and Sally to execute his individual dessert for him. That sounds like it has the potential for major disaster, but everything turns out for the best. In the end, both showpieces turn out quite lovely, and some of the individual desserts look great as well. Any dessert that incorporates bananas put its maker in the running for my new best friend.

The Orlando/Carlos/Sally team takes the win, which pleases Orlando no end, since he once lost to Chris in another competition. Chris, Matt, and Katzie head to Losers' Table, and despite all the ominous "He's my friend" talk at the beginning of the episode, it is Katzie who gets her walking papers. Wow. Not a good episode for the ladies. Sally, perhaps cognizant of that fact, gives Katzie a hug on her way out, so their conflict will remain a mystery for the ages.

Overall Grade: C

Mark of the Beast

2011-10-04T15:22:00.006-05:00

Top Chef: Just Desserts - Season 2, Episode 6

I've mentioned already that I'm enjoying the relatively low levels of drama this season, and I stand by that opinion. That said, does anyone have any idea why Sally hates Katzie so much? Did Katzie do a really offensive Asian stereotype voice off-camera? Did she steal Sally's toothpaste? Seriously, every episode seems to feature a segment about how Katzie really grinds Sally's gears, and we have zero indication of why that might be. Odd.

In tonight's Quickfire, the chefs yank out a root vegetable buried in some dirt, and must make a dessert featuring that item for Gail and guest judge Jordan Kahn. Naturally, some items are more difficult than others. Chris, ever the overachiever, makes sure to serve his root veggie garnish at just the right time to make it taste the best. Unfortunately, that time is after the buzzer, and he's disqualified. Rebecca and Carlos sink to the bottom two, while Matthew and Sally rise to the top. Sally, who's really getting the hang of this whole Quickfire thing, scores her second consecutive win, along with immunity and $5,000. Not bad for an hour's work.

Finally, we get an Elimination Challenge that doesn't split the chefs into teams. Unfortunately, now that the chefs can shine on their own, they're given one of those wacky-ass challenges in which it's well-nigh impossible to determine the good chefs from the bad, because the challenge restrictions are so off-kilter that it basically boils down to luck. Aging Beastie Boy Adam Horovitz assumes the mantle of guest judge, and presents the chefs with an array of weird ingredients mentioned in Beastie Boys' songs. Each chef has to choose two of the off-putting foods to incorporate into their dessert, and in an additional twist, are assigned a third by one of their fellow chefs.

The foods are presented at an art show, where thankfully, the guests are fully prepared and in the mood for weird cuisine. Marcel is in attendance for whatever reason, but I see no reason to give him any more attention. All of the desserts sound pretty nasty, what with the pesto, falafel, matzo meal, and other non-dessert ingredients. Sally is the exception, managing to make a toffee and chicken skin dessert that I actively want to try. She scores a position in the Winners' Circle, along with Chris and Matt, who wins for incorporating mashed potatoes and gravy into his dessert. Down at the bottom, Katzie, Megan, and Rebecca are scolded for their disappointing dishes, with Rebecca taking the long walk home. Honestly, if I woke up and found myself on this show knowing that I couldn't win, this is the challenge I would want to get eliminated on. To reiterate my original point, not knowing how to make hummus into a pastry is no reason to beat yourself up, so Rebecca can make a graceful exit with a minimum of pain and regret. Except that whole broken bone thing.

Overall Grade: B-

Water Sports

2011-09-28T14:43:00.012-05:00

Top Chef: Just Desserts - Season 2, Episode 5

Now that poor, unloved Melissa is off giving donuts the stinkeye somewhere else, it appears that the remaining chefs need someone else to be offended by. The spinning wand comes to rest on Katzie, who now is on everyone's nerves for no apparent reason.

For today's Quickfire, the chefs are tasked with making their own candy bar for Gail and guest judge Pichet Ong. Yum! Orlando starts off as supercilious as ever, but when Rebecca's broken hand causes her to drop her desserts all over the floor, he redeems himself by spending his free time helping her get a new batch ready. Chris is fast becoming the overachiever of the group, and works hard to make not one candy bar, but a duo. When time runs out, Mathhew's unfinished bar sinks to the bottom of Pichet's list, along with Katzie's goopy, liquidy bar. Sally appeals to him with Asian flavors, and is joined in the top by Rebecca, who makes sure to thank Orlando for his assistance. Sally wins the challenge and immunity, which feels good after all the time she's spent at Losers' Table lately.

For the Elimination Challenge, get ready for a shock... The chefs are split into teams. TEAMS! Can you believe it? What's that you say? Every single Elimination Challenge so far has been a team challenge? Oh. Well, that's kind of anticlimactic, then. Seriously, it's time to let these people work individually. Anyhow, the teams are chosen randomly, and shake out to be:

Carlos/Sally/Amanda
Orlando/Chris/Matthew
Katzie/Rebecca/Megan

The challenge is to create refreshing treats for the crowd at a nearby waterpark. Naturally, this leads to a lot of ice cream and sorbet plans. Minor drama breaks out when Carlos hogs all the available ice cream machines. As befits the theme of this season so far, it never gets beyond some impatient sniping before everything is resolved into an organized list of whose turn it is next. As a group, I'm really enjoying these people's attitudes. Plus, Carlos gets his comeuppance when his machine hogging leads other teams to turn to liquid nitrogen that he desperately needs.

As with last week's edible room, this is one of those challenges that I wish I could attend as a guest, because the park's patrons obviously love augmenting their waterslide fun by getting nine free gourmet summer desserts. The judges work their way down the line, and manage to coin yet another annoying Catch-22, bringing the total number up to about six. In this case, Johnny rails against Amanda for preparing her funnel cakes ahead of time, because the taste and texture suffer, and she should have made them to order. He then takes Mathhew to task for taking two whole minutes to make his desserts on the spot, because oh my God he's been waiting two whole minutes for it. Criticizing chefs' mistakes is one of the tenets of this show, but when you pick a complaint, perhaps you should wait more than thirty seconds before arguing for the diametrically opposite point.

At Judges' Table, the Megan/Katzie/Rebecca team gets top marks, with Katzie winning her second Elimination Challenge in a row for her impressive spumoni. Huh, that sounds a lot more sexual than I intended. Everyone else is called to Losers' Table and each of them gets their own little personal critique before Amanda is axed for those pesky funnel cakes. Well, it's shame in the sense that she seems like a cool person, but as I'm the only citizen of America who detests funnel cake, it's nice to finally have some ammunition for my lonely battle.

Overall Grade: B-

Scrumdiddlyumptious

2011-09-20T13:27:00.007-05:00

Top Chef: Just Desserts - Season 2, Episode 4

Honestly, I'm shocked. At a couple of things. I'm shocked that it took this long for Just Desserts to put together a Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory tie-in. I'm shocked at how pleased I was to see this week's guests. And I'm shocked by how well this episode was put together, and how enjoyable it was.

The producers knew exactly how special this week was going to be, choosing to dispense with the Quickfire entirely so that they can focus on this gem of an Elimination Challenge. In order to celebrate the fortieth anniversary of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory -- Forty years?!? Yikes! -- the chefs are taken to a special screening of it. Having seen the special features on the Wonka DVD, I recognize the chefs' fellow moviegoers, but they do not. It's the original cast of kids, minus one Augustus Gloop, who probably didn't feel like wandering over from Europe for this.

The chefs are then thrown straight into the Elimination Challenge, in which they must work as one big team to transform the dining room into an edible wonderland straight out of the movie's showpiece scene. As proof that you don't need to cast psychotic weirdos in order to generate good television, a game plan is agreed upon, everyone does their best to pull their weight, and it's still fascinating.

All sorts of extremely clever ideas are put into practice (or at least clever adaptations of the movie's existing ideas), from Katzie's "carrot" cakes and honey-dripping beehive, to Carlos' lickable wallpaper, to Chris' supervision and construction of a working chocolate waterfall. Johnny interrupts the process to announce that two chefs will be eliminated tonight, which has the chefs scrambling to put their individual stamp on as many desserts as possible.

I've never wanted to be at a Just Desserts tasting more as when the Wonka kids (along with some actual kids) are turned loose in the finished room to go nuts. Apart from getting all sorts of delightful treats, it just looks super-fun. When the event is over, Katzie, Carlos, and Matt are declared the top three, with Katzie taking a very deserved win for her underground cakes and edible beehive.

Meanwhile, Sally's gritty, ugly "dirt", Melissa's abominable donuts, Dr. Teeth's lackluster gummi bears, and Megan's disappointing bourbon cake get them shunted to the bottom. The top three chefs admirably stick up for Megan, stressing that her dessert may have suffered because she spent most of her time busting ass to help other chefs and ensuring the room as a whole turned out well. Johnny is a bit smarmy about this, but thankfully, appears to take it into consideration. After the deliberations, the judges finally, finally axe Dr. Teeth. About three episodes late, in my estimation, but better late than never. Poor, unloved Melissa also gets her walking papers, so it looks like we're getting down to the real competition now.

Overall Grade: A

The Beverly Hillbillies

2011-09-13T14:47:00.006-05:00

Top Chef: Just Desserts - Season 2, Episode 3

I've never been a fan of television "synergy". Not the word, which strikes me as one of those obnoxious corporate buzz phrases that threatened to consume us in the '80s, and not the convention, which shoehorns people into situations in which they simply do not belong. Tonight is no exception, and only magnifies Bravo's problem of having precisely one watchable franchise.

In tonight's Quickfire, the chefs are asked to make a mini-dessert that will be entered into a public vote that will perhaps inspire a new gum flavor. Wooooooooooooooooooooo! Realizing that this prize won't exactly get the chefs jazzed about their work, Gail offers a cool twenty-five grand to the winning contestant, in addition to the usual immunity. That does the trick. Everyone gives it their all, and several delightful little tiny treats are presented. Rebecca, Melissa, and Matthew fall to the bottom three of guest judge Hugh Acheson's list, while Carlos, Nelson, and Dr. Teeth (that'd be Craig - whose giant chompers, zany voice, and ill-advised facial hair all scream Muppet) get top marks. Dr. Teeth pulls down the win and immunity, and crows about going shopping, which leads to a shot of a very frustrated Carlos, who wanted to put some of that scratch away for his kids' college education.

That's about it for the entertaining part of tonight's episode, as the Elimination Challenge slides into the hated synergy mentioned above. See, the reason I watch Top Chef and not The Real Housewives is because I like Top Chef and don't like The Real Housewives. See how that works? Does Bravo think that by forcing the latter into the former that I'll become a fan of these vapid whores? No sale. So, the challenge doesn't even really matter, as it's just as contrived and pointless as any Real Housewives episode. Suffice it to say that the chefs will be split into two teams and will put together a giant dessert presentation to impress people that we're all asked to pretend have a modicum of class, taste, or sophistication. As winner of the Quickfire, Dr. Teeth gets to select team captains, and he chooses himself and Amanda. They alternate choices, and the teams shake out to be:

Dr. Teeth/Sally/Matthew/Orlando/Nelson/Rebecca

Amanda/Chris/Carlos/Megan/Katzie/Melissa

Poor Melissa is chosen last yet again, and despite her protestations, you can tell that her psyche is started to get a little damaged by the unpopularity. A suggestion by Closet Case Husband #7B that Botoxed Shallow Wife #16F enjoys the color pink leads to both teams' presentations appearing as if the Barbie factory just exploded. Aside from that, both tables are actually quite nice. The desserts are presented to the judges, and a panel of various Botoxed Shallow Wives, Purse Dog #4B, Closet Case Husband #7B, and Entitled Brat #23P.

After the desserts are consumed and the presumable off-screen break so everyone can purge, Amanda's team is declared the winner. Actually, "Chris'" team is declared the winner, I guess because he explained the team's concept to the panel. Still, ouch. On the losing team, Matthew, Orlando, and Rebecca did good enough work to save them from the chop, which leaves Dr. Teeth, Nelson, and Sally up for elimination. Or rather, Nelson and Sally, because the judges did not eliminate Dr. Teeth when they had the chance, and despite making the worst dessert of the day, and being a terrible team leader, he's got that Quickfire immunity tonight. He's dismissed, but not before Johnny makes sure to tell him that he'd be looking at the business end of an elimination if he hadn't won the Quickfire.

Back in the Kitchen, Dr. Teeth whines about Johnny's criticism, which nobody else wants to hear, since no matter what happens, the rules of the game have brought about the end of someone who's far more talented than he is. I guess I can't fault him for not giving up his immunity and throwing himself on the sword, although everyone both on-screen and off dearly wishes he would. Instead, the judges shrug their shoulders and axe Nelson. You see what horrors this goddamned synergy brings about?

Overall Grade: C

Bittersweet Symphony

2011-09-01T13:01:00.010-05:00

Top Chef: Just Desserts - Season 2, Episode 2

We begin tonight's episode with Rebecca suddenly incurring a disabling hand injury. I don't know if the viewing party was busy filling our wineglasses, and just wasn't paying enough attention, or if the show really didn't explain how it happened, but it just kind of comes out of nowhere. She's bandaged up, and hopes for the best in the upcoming challenges.

Tonight's Quickfire is a good one. Gimmicks are fine once in a while, but I tend to enjoy challenges that are simply "Take this basic ingredient, and do whatever you like with it". In this case, it's lemons. That makes it doubly exciting, because I happen to love lemon desserts, so the Kitchen is soon filled with concoctions that have me scratching at the screen.

Nelson, Orlando, and Amanda fall to the bottom of guest judge Margaret Braun's list, mostly due to flavor combinations that she doesn't happen to be a fan of. Matthew, Katzie, and Carlos take the top spots, with Matthew winning the challenge and its attendant immunity.

In the Elimination Challenge, the chefs are split into four teams, which are picked by captains:

Red: Matthew, Chris, Megan, and Melissa
Green: Carlos, Sally, and Rebecca
Black: Orlando, Nelson, and Craig
Blue: Amanda, Katzie, and Vanarin

Melissa is picked last - she's fairly unpopular these days, due to her attack on Lina last week. Honestly, she does seem to be a somewhat unpleasant person, but let's not pretend that anything she said about Lina was untrue. Orlando has issues picking anyone as awesome as he is. Apparently, being in the bottom of two out of three challenges is our benchmark for quality these days.

The teams will be making cakes to serve the 150 orchestra members at the iconic concert hall in LA, and each chef is responsible for his or her own individual tier. Three of the teams hum along quite harmoniously in terms of teamwork, even if not all of their creative ideas are the best. The fourth team contains Orlando, so...

When all is said and done, the Green and Red teams wind up on top, so once again, the team with the extra pair of hands was able to accomplish better things. What a shock! The Red team takes the win, and I hope the victory is achievement enough, because they don't get anything for it. At Losers' Table, the Black team is rightfully blasted for creating three tiers that have absolutely no relation to one another, while the Blue team crammed too many details onto their cake, resulting in a sloppy mess (though not the worst mess we've ever seen).

Despite the fact that this is an opportune time to jettison Craig, who's so clearly out of his depth that he should be wearing floaties, the judges cut Vanarin for his disappointing flavor and amateur decoration work. It's a shame, but becomes less of one when he complains in his final interview about how he "didn't have an opportunity" to show what he can really do. I'm pretty sure you did, chief. You just didn't do it well.

Overall Grade: B

Fairy Tale...Ending

2011-08-24T23:06:00.004-05:00

Top Chef: Just Desserts: Season 2, Episode 1

Well, we're back for a new season of pastry, and at first glance, it appears the producers have learned a valuable lesson about casting. That is, that it perhaps isn't the wisest idea to recruit your contestant pool from the Cuckoo's Nest Ward over at the local asylum. The new group of fourteen chefs naturally has its fair share of obnoxious people you'd cheerfully push into a kiddie pool full of alpaca droppings, but at least everybody appears to have all their marbles. Oh, and Johnny has dropped a bunch of weight.

In the first Quickfire, the chefs are immediately thrown into pairs, the better to bring their personality disorders to the surface right away. The pairs are tasked with making a modern soda fountain treat. Orlando/Megan and Craig/Lina sink to the bottom, more for unoriginal ideas than for bad food, which is a promising sign as far as talent goes. The Carlos/Rebecca and Amanda/Nelson teams take the top two spots, with Amanda and Nelson winning the challenge and its attendant immunity.

For the Elimination Challenge, the chefs are thrown into teams yet again. Evil. This time, the teams are given famous fairy tales, and are told to create a showpiece and two plated desserts that represent each story. Nerves fray almost immediately. Restraining one's ego to work with other people with input and opinions is, like, so hard and stuff!

Matthew/Amanda/Carlos/Chris do great sugar work for "Little Red Riding Hood" and Rebecca/Sally/Orlando/Nelson make a lovely architectural showpiece for "Goldilocks and the Three Bears", so these two teams go to Winners' Circle, with the former team winning the challenge. Once they're done not getting anything for their win, Katzie/Craig/Megan and Melissa/Vanarin/Lina trudge out to Losers' Table. Huh, it's almost as if the teams with four people were able to get more and better work done with an extra pair of hands! Weird!

That's not to say that these two teams don't deserve to be at Losers' Table, because ugh. The showpiece that Katzie and Megan put together for "Jack and the Beanstalk" has a bunch of flaws and cracks, and Craig mostly just runs around being useless. Melissa/Vanarin/Lina have "Hansel and Gretel", which has a dessert inspiration WRITTEN INTO THE STORY that Lina chooses to ignore in favor of making a giant, ugly cake house, then lies about at Judges' Table. It doesn't work, she gets booted, and all is right with the world.

Overall Grade: B+

Crossing the T's

2011-08-08T19:30:00.002-05:00

What's up, food fans? After not touching this blog for... Yeesh, five months?!? Ouch. Anyway, it may well be that after such a time, there's nobody here but us chickens, but just in case, I wanted to check in. I certainly haven't been ignoring the Top Chef realm. The viewing party watched the latest iteration of Masters, and we were all bored silly by it, though it was fun to watch Tiffany and LabRat compete to see who could make more fun of the unibrow guy.

Fortunately, it looks like another season of Just Desserts is on the horizon, premiering on August 24th at 9PM (10PM Eastern). The Serious Life Business I brought up before is ongoing, so I'm not sure if I'll be able to handle full recaps, but I'll definitely be watching, and can hopefully at least be able to put something up for each episode. Let's hope it's a fun season, with a big cutback in the amount of contestants with full-blown mental illness!

I've been feeling a little guilty for running out of steam towards the end of the last dessert season, and have decided that since I never deleted the last two episodes from my iTunes library, I should spend the days leading up to the premiere going back and converting the blurbs to full recaps. Incomplete series bug me.

The penultimate episode is finished! Just click on the Just Desserts link in the "Previously On..." menu to your right! I'm turning my attention to the finale now, and when it's done, we'll be able to face the future together.

If you have any thoughts/suggestions on this, the cast for the upcoming season, or anything else, please leave a comment. I'd be thrilled to see if anyone still visits this dusty corner of the internet.

UPDATE: Finale complete!

Intermezzo

2011-02-24T09:06:00.002-06:00

Greetings!

My sincere apologies for the site suddenly going dark. A combination of travel, sickness, and Serious Life Business all sprang up at the same time, and as always, blogging is the first thing to go when free time evaporates.

I have still been watching and enjoying this season, and am bummed that all this had to flare up just in time for Marcel to get eliminated. I would have enjoyed recapping that.

Thanks for all the comments and emails! Things are settling down now, and while I probably won't be able to fire up the blog again anytime soon, feel free to use this post as an open thread to post comments about the All-Star season. I'm always interested in others' opinions; can I really be the only one out there pulling for Antonia?

So Long, Chum

2011-01-12T23:20:00.003-06:00

Top Chef - Season 8, Episode 6

Note to readers: This is a short summary of the episode that will be replaced by a more complete recap before the next episode airs. Stay tuned!

As other bloggers have noted (even recently), there are two types of reality show villain. There's the kind that knows playing the bad boy (or girl) will garner more attention, and thus more mini-fame. The more obvious he or she is at trying to get on other people's nerves, the more pathetic it looks. Ladies and gentlemen...Marcel.

The other type of villain has no idea how they're coming off to their competitors and to the general public. They honestly believe that they're just dandy people, and are oblivious to how obnoxious they can be. Ladies and gentlemen...Jamie.

But more on that in the full recap. Tonight's episode dispenses with the Quickfire entirely, and sends the chefs out to catch fish. The twelve remaining contestants are split into four teams of three, and must use the fish they catch to prepare a beach feast.

Richard, Marcel, and Fabio decide to focus all of their energy into one dish, the better to make it great, and the better to spread blame around should something go wrong.

Antonia, Jamie, and Tiffani decide to each focus on their own dish, the better to make them great, and the better to be able to ignore the problems of the others.

Mike/Angelo/Tiffany and Dale/Carla/Tre split the difference, and try to put together diverse menus while still lending a hand to one another, so it's nice to see that those two teams wind up on top. Carla scores the individual win, and gets to put another trip on the travel itinerary. Her husband must be jazzed to see how this season is playing out.

Richard/Marcel/Fabio and Antonia/Jamie/Tiffani fall to the bottom. Antonia had a great dish, and is only there because of her teammates. She gets criticized for not helping out the other ladies enough, and to my disappointment, does not give the judges the backtalk they so desperately deserve in such a situation. On the plus side, she gets to stick around while both of her teammates get punted. Tiffani completes her redemption from Season 1, while Jamie wrecks any goodwill she built up in Season 5. You probably should have planned that out a little better, Princess Scallop.

China Syndrome

2011-01-11T09:49:00.002-06:00

Top Chef - Season 8, Episode 5

Previously on Top Chef: Hey, did you know that Spike allowed other people to execute his dish? He totally did! And then he went home! Coincidence? I THINK NOT!!!!! You should never rely on or allow another chef to direct your vision! By the way, the show would still like you to conveniently ignore that allowing yuzu gelee to be added to his soup was perhaps .5% of the reason Spike got eliminated. Thanks so much, and enjoy the show! Thirteen chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Antonia doesn't understand what drives Angelo to stick his nose into so many other people's dishes. Not literally, of course, although that would be entertaining. She calls his constant need to interfere a case of "Chef Tourette's", which is honestly the best description of it I've heard so far. It's certainly a lot more believable than Angelo having some grand evil plan to sabotage everyone else. Richard outlines the Jamie Arc for us again.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma. It's tough to concentrate on anything she says, because she's wearing a black and white striped shirt with puffy shoulders. I guess it figures. She's already been the parrot, and has now worked her way up to full-fledged pirate. I look forward to the inevitable peg-leg and eyepatch.

Panny: "I had a shirt like that. In third grade."

Padma explains that today's Quickfire will be a test of speed. Another chef will come in and make a dish as fast as he can, and however much time that takes is the time limit that the contestants will have to make their own dishes. The pace chef turns out to be Ptom. I'm not sure if the show is putting him forward as some sort of "Look! He doesn't just sit behind a table and pronounce judgment! He's really talented!" statement, or if they just thought it'd be a cute idea for a challenge. I waffled back and forth on this, but as I'm feeling rather cynical today, right now I'm in the former camp. The other chefs dutifully suck up in interview. Ptom starts his prep. He's an impressive whirl of speed at first, although he probably didn't intend to catapult his leftover fish carcass right into Padma. Well, wear a pirate shirt, and of course dead fish will be attracted to you. When Ptom finishes, there is a scant 8 minutes, 37 seconds on the clock.

The chefs gird themselves for a tough challenge. Ptom tells them that degree of difficulty will factor into the results, so quick slices of tuna tartare aren't going to make the grade. Padma adds some incentive when she promises the winner not only immunity, but a brand new Toyota Prius to go along with it. The countdown starts. Marcel has the very smart idea to avoid the clusterfuck of ingredient grabbing at the fridge, and heads right for Ptom's leftover fish. Nicely done. Wild prep ensues; it's understandably even more chaotic than usual. And before you know it, time's up. Ptom and Padma go down the line.

Antonia has seared ahi tuna on top of a tarragon, corn, and tomato salad. Richard has roasted foie gras with aromatics, served with corn, coriander, and port. Tiffani has a weak-looking clam chowder with celery and cream. Fabio's dish is similar to Ptom's. It has steamed clams, with zucchini, fish, tomato broth, thyme, and garlic. Angelo has disregarded the whole "difficulty matters" lecture, and has made a crudo, with yuzu and branzino, with jalapeno and cilantro. Tiffany has pan-seared bass, with tomato relish, olives, and capers. Ooh. Yes, please. Capers bring me happiness.

Tre has grilled beef tenderloin with seared foie gras, and serves it with mushrooms and brandy sauce. Sounds pretty complicated for the time limit. Carla has got shrimp with mango, cilantro, and mint. Now that sounds like an eight-minute dish. Dalet attempted to make pad Thai with egg noodles, but couldn't complete much of anything in the time limit. His bowls just have one sad noodle and some cooking liquid at the bottom. Casey was in such a hurry that she still has food stuck in her hair. Heh. She's made a spice-rubbed filet, with a fresh tomato relish. Marcel has used Ptom's black sea bass, and combined it with dashi broth, bok choy, and chili oil. Mike has pan-roasted branzino, with a black olive and caper stew. Yum. More happiness! Jamie wasn't able to get much clam done in time, so she calls it an amuse-bouche with tomato and bacon. I guess she can't do much else at this point. You know, Carla aside, Jamie's season was the most boring one, so a lot of details are lost to the sands of time, but I honestly don't remember her being this sucky. Didn't she show some promise at some point?

Results. The bottom three naturally kicks off with Dalet, who was the only chef not able to plate anything. Jamie couldn't put anything together with her clam. And her dish wasn't much to talk about, either. Ba-zing! Angelo gets shunted to the bottom for the cardinal sin of ignoring a challenge parameter. Now, for the good news. Mike developed a ton of flavors. Richard had well-cooked foie gras. Marcel is commended for making dashi so speedily. The winner of the challenge, the immunity, and the car is... Mike. Yay! If you had told me during Season 6 that I'd one day be happily cheering Mike's victory, I'd have thought you were crazy. Yet here we are. I'm certainly not the only person to have noticed this attitude turnaround and disproportionate amount of screentime, but it's something to ponder.

Elimination Challenge. Like the Quickfire, it will also test the chefs' speed and organizational skills, though nobody's going to be able to get away with a one-clam "amuse-bouche" this time. The chefs are going to Chinatown, and will work as one team to supply a dim sum restaurant through the lunch rush. Obviously, some chefs are happier to hear this than others. Dalet once worked in a dim sum restaurant, and is thrilled, while Fabio is horrified. Padma warns that dim sum is served continuously, so keeping the carts filled is a big aspect of the challenge. The chefs are dismissed, and Mike heads outside to check out his new car. It's a nice car, though the dull gray finish they picked for it is unfortunate.

That evening, the chefs settle in to plan the menu. Jamie volunteers to make scallops. DRINK! Fabio sets up a flashback to Season 5, and Jamie's slavish devotion to putting scallops into everything short of a milkshake. Mike agrees to expedite, because that's what people with immunity do. After that's decided, a discussion of who's going to work the front-of-house arises. Thanks to the chefs' newfound focus on retaining full control of their own dishes, this one's not as easily settled. After all, whoever is out peddling the food will have less time in the kitchen. Eventually, Carla and Casey step up to the plate. Dalet and Angelo, who have the most experience in this arena, agree to do two dishes each. Jamie, perhaps still stinging from the whole Jamie Arc thing, wants to do two as well.

After the menu planning session, a group of chefs gather in the loft kitchen to drink and shoot the shit. Tiffani attacks Antonia with her bra. All the dudes immediately clear the room. And...scene!

Shopping. Fabio talks about his pet turtle over footage of him walking her on a leash. And...scene!

The chefs head for the dim sum restaurant, and get started on their three and a half hours of prep. Fabio discovers that the ovens don't go above 300 degrees. That's because Chinese people don't bake. Seriously, we've been watching a lot of House Hunters International lately, and if I've learned nothing else, I've learned that were I ever to move to Nanjing, making chocolate chip cookies won't be in the cards. Jamie screws up yet another dish. In this case, she's not happy with the way her dumplings are turning out. Casey has purchased a large bag of chicken feet, and is now stuck cutting all of the nails off of them. Carla wraps up some very pretty summer rolls. Tre has trouble keeping his dessert cold in the fiery heat of the cramped kitchen. As time winds down, a horde of Chinese diners enters the restaurant and gets seated. Casey prepares about a dozen of her chicken feet dishes, but has to go work the dining room, so she leaves the rest in Antonia's hands.

Service begins. There's a problem right away. All the chefs are behind in their prep, and in addition to that, Casey and Carla are working the dining room, Tiffany is loading the dumbwaiter with food, and Mike is extricating it. That's pretty much a full quarter of the chefs doing nothing but shuttling food from one place to another. Not an auspicious beginning. Casey and Carla greet the judges, including guest judge (and Top Chef Master) Susur Lee. Tiffani's cabbage salad with curry chicken is presented. It's a huge plate of roughage, and in no way would be a welcome sight at dim sum, at least in my eyes. Who knows, this crowd may love it. Fabio's soy, honey-glazed pork rib is also too big and unwieldy, although it looks tasty. Carla's summer rolls have a lemongrass dipping sauce on the side. Angelo's shrimp and pork spring rolls look fucking fantastic. Marcel has boneless chicken wings, with a scallion mayonnaise.

Meanwhile, the kitchen has already blown its wad, and isn't sending any dishes out. Tiffany shrieks at the other chefs to get her some goddamn food already, and complains in interview that she doesn't understand what's happening, because this is what they supposedly do every day; they're chefs. Well, exactly. They're chefs, not cooks. If you need a perfectly composed plate, with every delicate ingredient placed just so, these passionate artists have got you covered. Getting a large volume of food out quickly? Not so much. Also, most kitchens run on genuine teamwork, while this crew has no incentive to help one another out. The whole enterprise was doomed before it began.

Tasting. Angelo's spring roll gets high marks, while Carla's summer roll falters. Fabio's ribs are nice and sweet. Richard's dish is presented without being described, and without any identifying subtitles. Someone messed up. Marcel's dish is bland, while Tiffani's is heavy on the sesame. Service sucks. The crowd gets increasingly impatient. Get used to this theme, because it's never going to get any better. Jamie is a terrible chef with a terrible attitude. Get used to that theme, too, because it's never going to get any better. In fact, the entire structure of service dissolves, and everyone takes whatever they can to the dining room, carts and servers be damned.

Jamie and Antonia have collaborated on Chinese longbeans with sausage. Dalet and Angelo have collaborated on cheung fun with xo shrimp. Dalet has also made sticky rice with Chinese bacon, wrapped in banana leaf. Tiffany has steamed buns with spicy pork and vegetables. Tre's got an orange/ginger dessert, served with water chestnut, pine nuts, and Thai basil. Service sucks.

Tasting. The cheung fun is spicy, but tasty. Dalet's sticky rice is a hit as well. The longbeans are overcooked, while Tiffany's pork buns are delightfully authentic. Tre's dessert isn't cold enough, and has gotten runny. Service sucks. The kitchen is a total black hole of chaos. Casey descends to discover that Antonia can barely keep up with her own dish, and has let Casey's suffer as a result. Diners start to walk out in a huff. Ptom goes down to the kitchen to complain, which is the number one way to make things slow down even more. Everyone's running around in complete panic; it's not like they're down there playing canasta. I'm not prepared to call this a challenge where the chefs were set up to fail, because they could have done plenty differently to turn this around. But Ptom can certainly still feel free to shove that Disappointed Dad act he loves so much in his craw and suck on it for a while.

Casey's pathetic chicken feet finally make it out to the table. They're a play on chicken and waffles, and are braised and served with cilantro on a scallion pancake. Antonia has shrimp toast with pickled scallions and mushrooms. Mike has made pork and prawn steamed dumplings, served with spicy soy sauce. Jamie's dumplings have scallop and water chestnuts with Chinese chives. Service sucks.

Tasting. Mike's dumplings aren't bad, but the soy is too strong. Antonia's shrimp toast is great. Casey's chicken feet were not cooked in hot enough oil, and are stringy. Jamie's dumplings are awful. What...a shock. The terrible, horrible, no good, very bad service finally winds down. Well, that was just painful to watch. I've done my share of cater waiting, and have had those shifts were you just can't keep up for whatever reason, and they suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. I'm having sympathy stress. The chefs dejectedly drag themselves out.

Interstitial. Have they mentioned how much the service sucked? Well, just in case you haven't gotten that yet, let's devote the interstitial to repeating it.

Fret 'n sweat. The chefs do their best to do an autopsy on their service, but never find the cause of death. Padma enters, and summons Casey, Antonia, Carla, Jamie, and Tre to Judges' Table. While it's nice when they attempt to mix things up by calling the losing chefs first (as they've done here), it may whip up a bit more suspense when the divide isn't so obvious. Odd Asian Music and Gong have made sure to show up for this episode. For once, I guess Odd Asian Music actually makes sense in this context, so just for tonight let's welcome Perfectly Normal Asian Music!

Service is briefly mentioned, then completely discarded in favor of the food. While I'm glad cooking is taking center stage, it's still a bit disingenuous to spend half the episode on scenes of crappy service, only to have it lead nowhere. Jamie prepared her dumpling wrappers incorrectly. She also put way too much oil on the longbeans. Antonia's shrimp toast was good, but she did have her hand in the disappointing longbeans and in Casey's chicken feet, which the judges address now by saying they weren't cooked nearly long enough. Also, the pancake they rested on was way too heavy. Antonia's role is mentioned, but all she can find to say about the situation was that she wished there were more time to help each other.

Casey shakes her head, because that's not very helpful at all. I don't know if she never said it, or if it's on the cutting room floor, but I dearly wish Antonia had said something along the lines of "I'm disappointed that I couldn't do better for Casey, but I was trying to cook those AND my shrimp toast AND assist Jamie with the longbeans. Plenty of other chefs had poor food, and don't have the excuse of extra work." Tre's dessert was defeated by the hot kitchen. Carla's summer rolls were dainty and beautiful, but wound up being nothing but a mouthful of bland noodle. The chefs are dismissed.

Back in the Kitchen, Tiffany, Angelo, Dalet, and Fabio are sent to Winners' Table. That's three people who have experience with Chinese food preparation...and Fabio, who deserves a lot of credit for scoring so highly while so completely out of his comfort zone. His dish had good imagination, and tasted great. Tiffany's pork bun was bright and flavorful. Dalet's rice was fresh. Angelo's spring rolls were authentic, with good texture. Susur gets to announce the individual winner, who is... Dalet. I'm as surprised to be as happy for him as I was for Mike's Quickfire win. He deserves this one.

Deliberations. Padma says that this is a tough elimination, because so many things sucked. Both of Jamie's dishes were terrible, but she gets credit for putting in some extra work. Antonia is saved by her shrimp toast. Tre's dessert was a soupy mess. Neither the judges nor the diners liked Casey's chicken feet. Carla's dish was pretty as a painting, and tasted about as good. The judges make a decision.

Elimination. Bad wordplay by Ptom. The same criticisms. Let's get straight to the chop. Casey. Please pack your knives and go. What?!? Well, that's just bullshit. Let's have the final interview first: Unlike some of her other competitors, she clearly knew coming in that winning would be a longshot, and takes everything in stride. Figures. Someone finally gets an unfair elimination, and they have the nerve to be all mature about it. She does say what everyone's thinking - that everyone expected Jamie to be cut, including Jamie. Casey took a big risk leaving her dish in someone else's hands, and that risk did not pay off. She doesn't think it's her time to go, but that's how it worked out.

Seriously, are we missing something here? If I understand correctly, Casey's dish may have been saved by cooking at the proper temperature, which she was not around to do, because some of the chefs were required to be out in the dining room. I'm not even saying that that means Antonia should have been eliminated. I'm saying that Casey's food being bad was at least partially beyond Casey's control, while Jamie's dishes being bad all rests on Jamie. This was a bad, bad decision. Confucius say: "You got totally robbed, girl."

Overall Grade: C-

Love - All

2010-12-27T11:09:00.001-06:00

Top Chef - Season 8, Episode 4

Previously on Top Chef: A culinary relay race reconfirmed the moral of "The Tortoise and the Hare". The chefs attempted to cook in the style of other people, the better to determine who's the most adaptable. Stephen -- who probably hasn't even cooked in his own style since Season 1 -- got eliminated, with poor Dalel right behind him. Fourteen chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Casey is bummed that her pal Dalel is no longer around to be awesome, while Tiffani tries to drag herself out of the slump that's put her into the bottom for two weeks running (although the first one doesn't really count, so whatever). Dalet is happy for his win, but gives the Standard Speech.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma and Tony Mantuano, who cooked for Top Chef Masters, and who rather looks like a friendly basset hound. I know it doesn't sound like it, but I mean that as a compliment. For today's Quickfire, we get one of those hilarious challenges that shoehorns a seasonal event going on in real time into an episode filmed at an entirely different time of year. I love it when they tell chefs to create a Christmas feast in August. Anyhow, the challenge today is to make stuffing, which Tiffani reminds us is probably the most varied "traditional" recipe in the entire pantheon of holiday foods. The chefs will have 45 minutes to create a stuffing of their own. If that sounds too simple, there's naturally a catch: No utensils allowed. That sounds pretty rough, but there's a nice bonus for the chef that works it out. The winner gets immunity and $20,000. Ready? Go!

The chefs spring right into their prep work, and some very clever ideas are hatched to get around the challenge's limitations. Richard uses a jar lid for a spoon. Fabio grates cheese through a dish rack. Tiffani butchers quail with a pepper mill. Tre freezes ingredients with liquid nitrogen so they can be smashed easily. Ears of corn and stalks of celery are used as stirring spoons. Time runs out. Padma and Tony go down the line. Casey has gone an Asian route with mushrooms and crispy chicken livers. Jamie has made a "stuffing crepinette" with pork and lemon oil. She calls it a take on matzo ball soup, which is about as apt as calling pepperoni pizza a take on breakfast cereal. Carla readily admits her quinoa didn't have time to cook properly, calling her finished plate "undone-te" instead of al dente. Hehehe.

Spike has stuffed quail with raisins and herbs, and has put an apricot glaze on it. Marcel has squab with raisin brioche, cherries, currants, and ras el hanout gravy. Enough with the raisins. Richard has pressure-cooked an onion with nitro-fried fennel. He also incorporates the hated raisins. Tre's southwestern stuffing has bacon, cheese, chili powder, and peppers. Now that's what I'm talkin' about. Dalet's Spanish-influenced stuffing has crab, oyster, chili lemon aioli, grapes, and olives. Tiffani's got soy maple stuffing with quail, grilled mushrooms, and grapes. Fabio has polenta bread with pressure-cooked vegetables, smoked bacon, and the aforementioned grated Parmesan.

Results. Carla naturally kicks off the bottom three, which is no surprise to anyone, least of all her. Tiffani's stuffing was too sweet. Casey's dish was more of a plated appetizer than a stuffing. Now, for the good news. Tre's dressing was spicy, but well-balanced. Marcel had great stuffing, along with a well-cooked, tasty bird. The winner of the immunity and the wad of cash is... Tre. Yaaaaaay! That really did look like the best stuffing. I'd demolish that stuff. He's thrilled, because he's got a couple of expensive things at home called daughters. Heh.

Elimination Challenge. Padma tells the chefs that they'll be cooking at the home of the US Open. The dishes made should reflect the healthy, energy-providing food that athletes base their diets on. Cans of tennis balls are passed to the chefs, some with orange balls, and some with yellow, which breaks everyone into two teams:

Orange: Carla, Richard, Dalet, Antonia, Marcel, Mike, and Fabio
Yellow: Spike, Jamie, Tiffani, Tiffany, Angelo, Tre, and Casey

Spike worries about his team, because as he puts it, he has no "allies" in this group of people. Ah, yes. In case you'd forgotten about how Spike approached this show, he was always more about manipulation and game-playing than the actual cooking. This Survivor-esque strategy sometimes served him well, but once all there was to rely on was cooking skill, he was history. Padma explains that a chef from each team will present their dish in a head-to-head standoff. Whichever dish is better earns a point for the respective team. First team to four points wins. It's a fairly simple idea, but a very good one. I'm surprised they haven't done something like this before.

The chefs head off for fifteen minutes of menu planning. They do their best to come up with some kind of game plan, but without knowing what the other team is making, it's kind of pointless, so everyone just decides to make whatever the hell they want. Food strategy aside, there's game strategy. Team Orange decides that as long as everyone knocks their individual dishes out of the park, it doesn't matter what order they go in. Master Manipulator Spike, on the other hand, has a different idea for Team Yellow. He wants to put whatever their weakest dish is out first, in order to give up a gimme point against what he's assuming will be a strong opener on Team Orange's part.

After shopping the next day, the chefs head for the US Open kitchen, where they get three hours of prep time. Fabio... Are you ready to be floored? Are you sitting down? I just want to be sure you're prepared to be massively shocked. Ready? Fabio... Is making gnocchi. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!! Next thing you know, he'll be preparing a pasta dish of some kind! Casey works with farro. Careful, there. Jamie frets that her chickpeas won't be cooked in time. Angelo doesn't like the fish he's bought, so he shops around the kitchen until Tiffany agrees to give up some of her tuna. Ew, not like that, perv. Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste. Since this challenge involves people trying to keep quiet about their respective strategies, it's even more of a waste of time than usual, although Spike does spill about his weakest-dish-first idea. In the whir of activity, Carla cuts half her fingernail clean off, which is a great opportunity to play another round of Here's How Much Awesomer I Am Than You At Withstanding Pain. Carla disdains the medic's advice to go to the hospital, puts a bandage on, and gets back to work. The other chefs give her props in interview, telling us that she really manned up...JAMIE. Unhappy with the first batch, Spike hurries to poach more shrimp in the final moments. Time runs out.

The chefs step out onto the courts for some final prep time. A few spectators watch from the stands. They will not figure into the episode in any way, shape, or form, so I'm unsure why they're included. The judges get seated (including a tennis player named Taylor Dent that I'm unfamiliar with), and Padma calls for the first match. Team Yellow is pretty much certain that Jamie's chickpea dish, which still hasn't finished cooking, is their worst entry. Team Orange sends Fabio out. Team Yellow is petrified of Richard, and since he's not out first (and since Jamie's food needs more time if it's to be of any use), their entire strategy burns down, falls over, and sinks into the swamp. Finally, Casey is like "Fuck it," and volunteers to go first. Fabio's whole wheat gnocchi is served with pork loin ragout, some caramelized fennel, and zucchini. Casey has brined, grilled pork tenderloin over a salad of farro, cherries, peas, and a vinaigrette. Taylor votes for Fabio, as do Padma and Ptom. That's enough votes for a majority, and Fabio wins the point.

He celebrates wildly, while Spike snarks in interview that the strategy was to give that point away, but to give it away with the worst dish. So, what's the difference? You wanted to pit your worst dish (Jamie) against what you assume is their best (Richard), and you can still do that. Maybe the strategy should have been Make Better Food Than the Other Team. I'd forgotten what grand fun it is watching Spike play at being a brilliant tactician. My nephew could totally take him at Chutes and Ladders. Dalet volunteers to go next for Team Orange, because if he doesn't, his dumplings won't make it. Marcel, originally slated to go second, is pissed for some nebulous reason. Dalet will be going up against Tiffani. He's made an edamame dumpling in spicy carrot froth, with crispy soy nuts. Tiffani has black bass sashimi, in an avocado and ponzu vinaigrette. Gail votes for Tiffani. Padma goes with Dalet. Ptom and Tony then vote for Tiffani, which seals the point for Team Yellow.

Next up is Angelo vs. Marcel. Angelo has smoked tuna, with a yuzu gelee, and red onion with capers. Marcel has a cauliflower couscous with pomegranate seeds and raisins. Gah! It's topped with some yellowfin tuna. Taylor can't really decide, but Ptom doesn't care for the cream that Marcel finished with. One vote Angelo. Tony and Gail soon follow, so that's two points for Team Yellow. Marcel gripes that Angelo always plates on a spoon, which is 1) Untrue, and 2) Irrelevant. I wait to hear about how this is all because his team didn't let him present second as originally planned, but it never comes. Jamie interviews that at this rate, she won't have to present at all, which is just how she'd like it.

It appears that Team Orange is about to put Richard forward, so Team Yellow pees their pants again and waffle over whether to send Jamie or not. When Team Orange actually sends Antonia, Team Yellow sends Tiffany out. Antonia would love to boost team morale, but "at the end of the day" (1) everyone is working on their own. DRINK! Tiffany has spiced some tuna with fennel, peppercorns, and coriander seeds, and serves it on a lentil salad. Antonia has scallop on a lentil puree, spiced with mint, and served on dandelion greens with cilantro and chives. Tony votes for Tiffany. Gail votes for Antonia. Taylor goes with Antonia. Padma votes Tiffany. This one's a squeaker! Ptom casts the deciding vote, and it goes to Antonia.

Tie game. Team Orange finally puts forth the feared Richard. Since Team Yellow has already given up two points, it's too late to give up a third on purpose. Spike will be going out. Angelo, who's had his fingers in several dishes, harangues Spike into adding some of Angelo's yuzu gelee to his dish. Spike reluctantly agrees. He's got a tomato tamarind soup, with olive oil-poached shrimp, pineapple, tomatoes, and dill. Richard has a spin on tabouli, with lamb, herbs, and yogurt. Tony says that both proteins are disappointing. Spike's shrimp was bland, and Richard's lamb was gamy. Richard's surrounding ingredients saved his, though, so he gets Tony's vote. Padma agrees, and after Ptom compliments the soup, but criticizes the shrimp, it's unanimous. Team Orange pulls ahead. Spike trudges back to his team, complaining in interview about how his plating went and how Jamie hasn't presented yet. Quick question. How do those two things figure into the worst problem with his dish, which was bland shrimp? I'll let you mull that over for a while.

Match point. Team Orange sends Carla up. Angelo encourages Jamie to go. Um, why? She, along with the rest of Team Yellow, would rather send someone who has a shot in hell of scoring a point, and use their last reserve, which is Tre. Angelo offers to help, and Tre allows him to cook the fish, some of which wind up overdone. The combatants walk up to present. Carla has an African groundnut soup, with baked sweet potato, peanuts, and adzuki beans. Tre has salmon on parsnip puree, with olive oil/citrus sauce, tomatoes, and olives. Taylor votes for Tre. Tony enthuses over Carla's soup, and happily gives her a vote. Padma votes for Carla, and Gail (after telling Tre that his fish is somewhat overdone), seals the deal. Carla takes the point, and with it, cinches Team Orange's victory. Carla lets out a wild, Xena-ish scream of triumph. Hehehe.

Spike complains that if only they'd have stuck with their strategy, Team Yellow would have won. HOW? If Jamie had lost to Fabio instead of Casey losing to Fabio, what would be different? Oh, I know! Nothing. Based on judge votes, the only hope Casey would have had would be to go up against Marcel. Neither of them got any votes. If she won that point, it would have given Team Yellow a tie, which would have brought the finals down to Mike vs. Tre, at which point the overcooked salmon would probably have sunk Team Yellow anyway. But by all means, Spike, blame the abandonment of your strategy rather than your crappy food. Glad to see that nothing's changed since your season. You and Elia should form a club. Tiffany agrees that Spike's strategy was idiotic, while Mike says that "at the end of the day," (2) you can't really have a strategy other than Make Good Food and expect to win. DRINK!

Interstitial. Mike leads a rousing dance party in the fret 'n sweat.

Speaking of, here we are. Spike interviews that Jamie had the worst dish, so "at the end of the day," (3) she should be up for elimination, which she isn't. DRINK! Padma enters, and summons the winning points from Team Orange: Carla, Fabio, Richard, and Antonia. Once they're out with the judges, Padma adds that the individual winner gets a trip to Italy. Nice. Fabio's face: "And? I go there every weekend." Richard explains that their strength was focusing on the food and not on any strategy. Carla's soup was homey, yet elevated. Antonia's dish had wonderful layers of flavor. Richard's tabouli tasted great, and Fabio's gnocchi was light, yet tasty. The winner of the challenge, and the trip to Italy is... Carla! YAAAAAAAAAY!!!! She gets applause and hugs back in the Kitchen, before the losing points from Team Yellow (Casey, Tre, Spike, and Tiffany) are sent out to Judges' Table. Once they're gone, Richard tells Jamie that she's got a story going now. She attempts to be pissy and offended, but knows exactly what he's talking about. And he's right. Jamie's arc is now officially: Attempt To Win the Season By Just Refusing to Cook Anything Until Everyone Else is Eliminated. She shrugs, trying to play it off like she doesn't care. She doesn't sell it well.

Judges' Table. Odd Asian Music and Gong are back from their break. The judges open by asking what Team Yellow's strategy was. Spike explains his terrific idea that the rest of the stupid team ignored. Ptom wonders where the backfire happened, because Jamie isn't even up for elimination. That is the one thing that I hadn't considered when tearing Spike apart a couple of paragraphs ago. His team still would have lost, but at least Jamie would be up for elimination. Spike tries another tack, which is to blame Angelo for messing with his soup. His soup that Ptom loved. Keep dancing, Spike! Still, Ptom thinks it worth asking Tiffany if she thinks Angelo is trying to sabotage other people's food. Before she answers, I have to say that I doubt it. I think Angelo always thinks he knows best, even when he has no idea what's going on with someone else's food. He's supercilious, not devious. Tiffany (partially) agrees, saying that each chef is ultimately responsible for their own dishes.

Gail tells Tiffany that her salad was somewhat overdressed, and her spice rub wasn't terrific, either. Fairly minor complaints, all things considered. Tre has immunity, but his fish was overcooked and oily, and was actually the judges' least favorite dish. Either Tre says nothing in response, or it's all on the cutting room floor. Casey's dish was heavy. She argues that it was meant to be hearty. Tony says that it was a problem of perception, and that if there had been more farro and less pork, it may not have been an issue. Meh. Also pretty minor, if you ask me. The chefs are dismissed. Back in the Kitchen, Spike sighs that he should have just told the others to step off and let him plate his own dish. He really is determined to ignore the fact that the parts that the other chefs messed with was the only part of his dish the judges liked. Keep dancing! Tiffany reiterates that "at the end of the day," (4) everyone is still responsible for their own food. DRINK!

Viewing Party Tiffany (reaching for her glass): "Jesus."
Limecrete: "See why it's a drinking game rule now?"

Seriously, America. It's time to put that phrase to bed. Deliberations. Tre is damned lucky he has immunity, and may have phoned it in. Spike's dish needed salt, and he should have stood his ground on plating. Casey's dish was protein-heavy. Tiffany's dish was underseasoned. A shot of Tiffany looking worried back in the Kitchen is shown, and in the background noise, Spike is still complaining about how other people messed with his food. Keep dancing! Nothing's ever your fault! Dance!

Elimination. The same criticisms are rehashed before the wild dance comes to an end. Spike. Please pack your knives and go. In his final interview, he makes sure to tell us how screwed he got, and how awesome he is, and how others should have gone first. He closes by addressing Jamie, and telling her that at some point the competition, she's going to have to stop playing games and cook. Really? People should focus on cooking skill and not on manipulative game play? How perceptive! Is there someone else in the general vicinity who might benefit from that lesson? Nah, probably not. Keep dancing, Spike. I'm sure you'll be able to fool someone one of these days.

Overall Grade: A

The Sincerest Form of Flattery

2010-12-19T14:50:00.017-06:00

Top Chef - Season 8, Episode 3

Previously on Top Chef: They have a weird way of doing the previouslies this season, which is brief glimpses of what happened, filtered through Monday Morning Quarterback interviews. In this case, it's a lot of shock over Jenc's revolt against the judges and her subsequent elimination. The rest of the chefs are surprised that she went home over useless Jamie's need to curb blood loss. Sixteen chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma and guest judge David Chang. The challenge is an old favorite: The mise-en-place relay race. There's a new twist on it this time, which we'll get to in a second. First, the sixteen chefs are broken up into four teams of four. No kickball-style team picking this time; the chefs are simply broken into teams based on who they're standing near:

Angelo/Mike/Tiffany/Fabio
Dalet/Carla/Tiffani/Marcel
Antonia/Jamie/Casey/Dalel
Stephen/Tre/Richard/Spike

Now, to the twist. Instead of working on one ingredient at a time, all four team members must come up with a system of prepping three ingredients simultaneously. Not only that, but once David approves the prep work, the team must make a dish with their prepped ingredients. It is the quality of that dish -- rather than the time it takes to complete the prep work -- that will determine the winner. If that were all there was to it, there would be no incentive to hurry. So, whichever finishes the relay first presses a button that starts a fifteen-minute countdown. Whatever time is left on the clock when the trailing teams finish, that's the amount of time they have to cook. Good challenge design! There won't be any immunity given, but the winning team members get a $5000 chunk of cash. Whoops of joy grander than any ever given for immunity flood forward, especially from Carla. Hootie! Ready? Go!

The ingredients for prep are: Cleaning racks of lamb, peeling (and chopping) five hundred cloves of garlic, and stripping/chopping artichokes. Chef start hacking away at all of the food. Casey, in particular, has laser-like focus on the lamb. Dalel grins in interview about how she's never quite lived down the whole onion business. Fabio uses a large cutting board to crush masses of garlic at once. Smart. Mike's vast experience with Greek food puts him ahead on the lamb. Thanks to those two, it's really no contest after that. The Angelo/Tiffany/Mike/Fabio team easily finishes in the lead, and starts the countdown. The other teams go into a panic. The Stephen/Tre/Richard/Spike team finishes with twelve minutes on the clock. Two minutes later, the Antonia/Jamie/Casey/Dalel team finishes. When the Dalet/Carla/Tiffani/Marcel team finally finishes, there's only eight and a half minutes left. The latter two teams decide to go for lamb carpaccio, because it doesn't need to be cooked. Time winds down.

Padma and David go down the line. Dalet/Carla/Tiffani/Marcel have lamb carpaccio with artichoke chips, and artichoke salad with garlic oil. Stephen/Tre/Richard/Spike have a crispy lamb chop, with raw, crispy, and braised artichokes in a chili aioli. Padma approaches the Antonia/Jamie/Casey/Dalel team with a cheery "Hello, ladies!" Hahaha! That was entirely accidental, and she apologizes to Dalel, but everyone laughs at her gaffe, Dalel included. The team has made lamb carpaccio with crispy capers, garlic, a salad with artichokes, and some Reggiano cheese. The speedy Angelo/Tiffany/Mike/Fabio team has lamb cooked in garlic, with slivers of artichoke and dill salad. The whole thing is topped with a tandoori-spiced yogurt sauce that looks... Well, disgusting. It looks like regurgitated Pepto Bismol.

Results. First in the bottom two is Antonia/Jamie/Casey/Dalel, whose cheese and parsley overwhelmed everything else. Also in the bottom is Angelo/Tiffany/Mike/Fabio, whose thyme and dill overpowered the yogurt. It seems speed isn't prized over quality, in the kitchen as well as other rooms of the house. We know who that leaves in the top. Dalet/Carla/Tiffani/Marcel had a dish that seemed simple, but tasted complex. Stephen/Tre/Richard/Spike had wonderfully bold flavors. The winners of the challenge and the wad of cash is... Stephen/Tre/Richard/Spike. Needless to say, they're pleased as punch.

Elimination Challenge. Padma tells the chefs that they'll be staying in the same groups, but are no longer in teams. Now the cooperation must turn to competition. Each group will dine at a different New York restaurant. Then, the chefs must create a dish worthy of appearing on that restaurant's menu, both in quality and style. Each group will have a top performer that is up for the win, and each group will have a least impressive dish, whose chef will be up for elimination. And because we've still got a crapload of contestants to contend with, tonight will be a double elimination, so bring your A-Game, cakesniffers. Angelo/Tiffany/Mike/Fabio will be cooking at David's restaurant, ma peche (French/Vietnamese fusion). Antonia/Casey/Jamie/Dalel will be at townhouse (High-end American). Stephen/Tre/Richard/Spike will be at Marea (Italian). And that puts Dalet/Carla/Tiffani/Marcel at wd~50 (avant garde/molecular gastronomy).

In order to get a feel for the menus, each of the groups gets to dine at their respective restaurant as guests. Sweet. What follows is footage of each of the four meals, and while all look delicious (to the point that I'm kind of aching for the food even though I'm actively full right now), there's not much to write about. It's telling that people who wound up at restaurants that aren't really their style (Tiffany at French/Vietnamese fusion, Tre at Italian, Carla at avant garde/molecular gastronomy, etc.) are more tense and stressed. That night, the chefs plan their dishes. Dalet read somewhere that Wylie Dufresne (the chef at wd~50) loves him some eggs, and tries to come up with something in that area. Stephen obsesses over clothing.

The next day, the chefs go to their respective restaurants, and have two hours of prep time. I'm not sure if the chefs shopped for ingredients, are using the restaurants' supplies, or what. Cooking ensues. Antonia notes that dinner the night before had a theme of using a simple base, and then spinning off into interesting directions, so instead of doing something wacky, she starts with peas and carrots. Carla nervously works with liquid nitrogen. Time winds down. The judges get seated at Marea first. Joining Padma and Ptom are Anthony Bourdain and Kate Krader, who is the restaurant editor at Food & Wine. Naturally, the chef of each restaurant will also sit in at their own places. At Marea, it's a chef named Michael White. Let's get started!

Tre has grilled swordfish, with two preparations of artichoke, basil oil, and a mushroom panna cotta. Spike has seared branzino, with caponata and a spicy prosciutto vinaigrette. Richard has a crudo of Spanish mackerel, braised veal shank, and a fennel mostarda. Stephen has salmon with figs, a broccoli rapini, and fennel pollen. Tasting. Spike's fish skin is nice and crispy, but the caponata is disappointing. Richard and Tre did a nice job, but Stephen's fennel pollen is way too aggressive. Kate compliments the job everyone did, punctuating everything with a slight lisp.

LabRat: "She'll be a good character for Rachel Dratch in thirty years."

Off to ma peche. By the way, I've totally written down all of these restaurant names for the next time LabRat and I are in New York. I guess I'd better start squirreling those pennies away. Fabio has made roasted lamb, with hoisin plum barbecue sauce, a corn tomato salad, and lemongrass chevre ricotta. That's certainly fusiony. Tiffany has a crudo of summer flounder, with pickled radish and a peach puree. Mike has lightly cured, warm sockeye salmon, with eggplant, marinated tomatoes, and pickled peach. Angelo's got tumeric-marinated fish, with dill, cilantro, salmon roe, chorizo, and for an unexpected kick, white chocolate. Hmm. I don't know about that, although anything with salmon roe in it gets ten points added automatically. Tasting. Angelo gets great reviews on taste, and David approves of the style. Mike's is popular as well, but Fabio's is overly heavy and misses the style mark. Tiffany's is fine, but undistinctive.

townhouse. The chef here is David Burke. Dalel kicks off the service with roasted veal loin, with peanuts, popcorn, French toast, corn, and thyme caramel. Interesting. I don't know if that's a good "interesting" or a bad "interesting". Antonia has pea puree with carrot butter (DRINK!) and seared scallop with pickled carrot. Casey has seared halibut, shaped to look like a scallop, resting on tapioca "caviar", and a ginger-carrot emulsion. Jamie's dish is almost shockingly simple; she's made a smoked tomato and bacon soup, with an heirloom tomato salad. Yes, that is the quick lunch you pick up at Panera on your half hour lunch break. Good observation! Tasting. David finds Jamie's soup blah, both in flavor and style. Dalel's dish is a plate of sweet food with a piece of veal plopped on it. Casey's dish was smart and tasty. Antonia's is fairly salty, but would fit nicely on the menu.

Interstitial. Marcel finds it ironic to be working at wd~50, because... Well, you know.

wd~50. Wylie greets the rest of the judges, and everyone settles in. Dalet has done a spin on breakfast. He has a sunny-side-up egg dumpling, with braised pork belly, and milk ramen with bacon, beef, and pork. Tiffani has made vacuum-packed melon, with powdered ham and Taleggio. Well, she's certainly going for style points. Carla has tried to marry molecular gastronomy with her own comfort food background. She's got "grits" (aka shrimp-infused corn), with poached shrimp and okra chips on top. Marcel has made Vadouvan lamb, with tzatziki, pickled red onion and "anti" flatbread. That's flatbread that's been poofed up by air. So it's essentially...bread. Tasting. Tiffani's melon falls flat. Dalet's breakfast bowl is fantastic. Carla did a nice job, though her technique was a bit safe. Marcel's dish was timid, and the food was fairly bland.

Fret 'n sweat. Carla gleefully tells the other chefs about how she was gettin' down and using the circulator. Everyone cackles in delight. Padma enters, and summons Dalet, Angelo, Antonia, and Tre to Judges' Table. That's three Elimination Challenges in a row that Angelo has come out on top. That'd be impressive in a regular season, never mind All-Stars. Padma tells the top four that the individual winner will get a six-day trip to New Zealand. Nice! All of them are roundly complimented before Kate announces the big winner. Dalet. Yeah, I've got to say, that egg dumpling with the meat and the broth looked really good. The winning chefs are dismissed. Dalet's win is applauded back in the Kitchen, before he delivers the news that the judges would like to see Stephen, Fabio, Dalel, and Tiffani. As they go out, Dalet advises them to fight hard. "Fight hard, but not too hard," Carla amends. "Don't pull a Jenc!" adds what sounds like Antonia. Hehe.

The losing chefs trudge out to face the music. Fabio didn't have a good background in the restaurant's style, and as such, wound up attempting way too much. Stephen guesses that he put too many little components on the plate, and he's right. His dish came off tasting like a Bath & Body Works shop. Tiffani got seduced into throwing herself into weird techniques, rather than flavor. Dalel's plate made no sense. Deliberations. Dalel's plate was way too sweet. Stephen's fish was fine, but nothing else worked. Fabio used Asian ingredients, but he didn't use them well. Tiffani put a bad spin on Wylie's type of food. The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. Or eliminations, rather. The same criticisms are rehashed before the Padma announces the first elimination, which is a gimme: Stephen. We're not sure who the other one is going to be. Dalel. Please pack your knives, and go. Aw, damn. Frankly, although he's delightful and charming and fun, I feel like Fabio has kind of reached the limit of his talents. He's great at pasta, but not much else. In his final interview, Dalel admits that he's a little embarrassed. He's never been eliminated before; he just didn't win in the finals. Stephen seems kind of relieved to go, saying that he's more of a front-of-house guy now, and was up against a bunch of fiercely talented competitors. Well, that's nice. He probably wouldn't have been included had some other chefs agreed to take part this season, but he carried himself well in this go-round. Hilariously, when Stephen announces his elimination, there's dead silence, and when Dalel announces his, there are gasps of horror. We end on Dalel saying that he's enjoyed the experience again, and is more than willing to come back from Top Chef 16 - Seniors. Haha! So many contestants take everything uber-seriously; we need more funny guys like him in this joint.

Overall Grade: B

Tiger Beat

2010-12-12T09:59:00.001-06:00

Top Chef - Season 8, Episode 2

Previously on Top Chef: Look at all the stars! Look at them try to redeem the dish that got them sent home! Look at Angelo take the win! Look at Elia be annoying! Look at her go home in last place! Seventeen chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Richard bemoans his disqualification from the win, while Fabio recounts getting into it with Bourdain at Judges' Table. Like I said last week, I hope one of the chefs takes the judges to task every single week. It would be magical!

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma and one of the Jonas Brothers. Yeah. I'm in my thirties, and the only significant youngster in my life is a four-year-old male. The only thing the Jonas Brothers mean to me is that they waste valuable real estate in Entertainment Weekly that I flip past in boredom. Them and Twilight. Oh, and I know that one Jonas is super fugly, but it's not this one. A lot of the chefs are as disinterested as I am, though Antonia's daughter is right in the target age group that will spend a few minutes in the year 2030 looking back at having a massive crush on stars like these with regret.

Today's challenge is to create a midnight snack for 150 kids that will be spending the night at the American Museum of Natural History. Well, I don't know about the challenge, but hot damn, would I have loved to do that as a kid. This Jonas (Joe, it turns out) will be a surprise guest at the event, and gets to select the winning snack. He explains that there won't be utensils or plates, so the snacks will have to be appropriate to be carted around in paper bags. He kids that the chefs have thirty seconds to throw everything together, and for a split second, they believe him. Heh. They actually have forty-five minutes. Ready? Go!

The chefs spring into prep. Dalel worries about how picky kids can be, and just plans on getting them hopped up on sweets. Speaking of sweets, Dalet has the bin of sugar set out on his station, which causes other chefs angst for whatever reason. It's not like he's hoarding it. And speaking of children, Tiffani recalls the challenge in which I hated her the most, and thankfully, admits what a huge asshole she was. It seems she's working as hard on improving her attitude about cooking for kids as she is on improving the food. This is a Tiffani I can get behind. A whirl of final prep -- replete with cursing streaks -- brings us to the end of the challenge.

Joe and Padma go down the line. Antonia has made a white chocolate/cherry muffin with allspice and cinnamon. Richard has microwave-baked white bread, with spiced apples, whipped honey, and crunchy chocolate. I don't really see how it can be eaten without utensils, but it sounds tasty. Spike has made potato and carrot chips, with mascarpone and marshmallow dip on the side. Tre's got a cracker with cranberry and cherry jam, and some apple smoked bacon. I love how the editors keep giving us interceding shots of the other chefs looking tense. A realer sense of what goes on during the judging slips in, as we see Jenc grinning and shooting the shit with other chefs in the background as they wait their turns.

Casey has made a chocolate and bacon lasagna, with a sprinkling of candy on top, and some apple juice on the side. Dalel admits up front that his snack is a blatant attempt to get the kids jacked up on sugar. He's made Sweet Tart nuggets with "caveman boulders" (chocolate, graham crackers, Whoppers), and chocolate sauce. He says his snack will lead to a ten-year-old rave. Ha! Antonia cracks up, while Dalet breaks out some dance moves. Jamie has made mini cheddar biscuits, with cinnamon apple sauce on the side. Tiffany has made coconut rice pudding, with grapefruit sauce on the side. DRINK! Dalet has a corn cake with dried cherries and whipped maple topping.

Fabio has dipped apples, some in white chocolate/caramel/blueberry, and some in dark chocolate, marshmallow, and candied ginger. Yes, please! Tiffani's got a Rice Krispie treat snowball, with malted milk and graham crackers. Angelo's made fried dough, with white pepper, Old Bay spice, and cheddar crumbles. I am enormously curious to try that. Stephen has got a snickerdoodle sandwich, with white chocolate, coconut ganache, apricot, and mint. DRINK! Jenc has bacon ginger taffy, with honey grilled peaches. Sounds good. Jenc laughs that if the kids don't like it, they can always whip the taffy at each other, a la snotballs. Heh. Mike has chocolate coconut corn bars, with a coconut horchata chaser. No "DRINK!" here, because this is not something that sounds tasty, but has been ruined by coconut. This sounds disgusting from top to bottom.

Results. First in the bottom three is Tiffany, whose snack was messy. Mike's chocolate flavor wasn't strong enough. Stephen's cookie was fine, but the flavors in the middle (especially the mint) wasn't strong enough. Hmm... Tiffany, Mike, and Stephen. Why, it's all the people who used coconut! Joe Jonas' stock is suddenly rising! Now, for the good news. There are two favorites instead of the usual three. Spike and Tiffani both made impressive snacks. In fact, no winner is announced right now. Padma tells the chefs that the kids will decide which snack reigns supreme. In order to get enough portions put together, Spike and Tiffani will lead teams composed of all the other chefs.

Tiffani's team is: Tiffani, Tiffany, Jamie, Antonia, Casey, Jenc, Dalel, and Tre. Spike's team winds up being: Dalet, Angelo, Marcel, Carla, Richard, Stephen, and Mike. Fabio is the last one standing, and gets to choose which team he'll join. He picks Spike's, interviewing that he doesn't care a whit that he didn't get chosen. He doesn't sell it. Dalel is pleased with the way the teams have shaken out, saying his team is like the Spice Girls and their bodyguard, and the other team is the so-called "cool guys" and "their babysitter, Carla". Hahaha! I'd forgotten how hilarious Dalel is. Prep proceeds without incident.

After all the food is separated into red and blue bags, the chefs head off to the museum. Once they're set up, a wave of children invades. They grab a bag of each snack and start chowing down. The chefs do their best to talk up their respective dishes. As promised, the kids get high on sugar, and start to have ballistic fits all over the floor. They're so jacked up, Joe Jonas' arrival doesn't cause a big uptick in enthusiasm. He leads a voice vote to see which snack wins the Quickfire, and Tiffani's easily bags it. So, she has immunity and an advantage in the upcoming Elimination Challenge. The tide of children sweeps out, but before the chefs can escape back home to get a good night's sleep, Ptom enters, and tells them that said Elimination Challenge begins this very instant.

The challenge will be to make breakfast for the kids and their parents, to be served at 7:30 AM. It's 1:30 AM right now. Ouch. The chefs will stay in the same teams, and will be creating meals in the spirit of two of the dinosaurs whose bones are looming over them right now: Brontosaurus and Tyrannosaurus Rex. The T-Rex team will be cooking with meat and meat byproducts only, while the Brontosaurus team will only have access to fruits, vegetables, and grains. Tiffani gets to choose which dino her team will represent, and she goes for T-Rex. The chefs can grab a little sleep (very little -- only forty-five minutes) in the Hall of North American Mammals before getting started on food prep. Of course, before they can even do that, they have to plan their menus.

Both teams break down into mini-teams to tackle the individual dishes they'd like to make, although they have no idea what ingredients they'll be working with. That dispensed with, the chefs turn in for their nap, although some eschew sleep altogether to have fun with this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to traipse around a famous museum in their pajamas. That would certainly be tempting. It's unlikely they'll ever find themselves in such a From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler situation again.

At 4:00 AM, the awakened chefs are turned loose on the museum kitchen. Tiffani discovers that the carnivore she has chosen to represent is just that. Carnivore, not omnivore. So, her team has no access to the lemons or limes they want to use for acid, nor flour, nor herbs. Curiously, there's no sausage for them to use, either, which you'd think would be a pretty standard component of a meat-based challenge. Prep begins. Three seconds in, Jamie slices her thumb open. The show's medic tells her she needs stitches, so she heads off to the hospital. In real life, a teammate felled by injury would be cause for concern. These, however, are chefs. And not only chefs, but reality show chefs. Your thumb had better be hanging by a tiny strand of shredded skin, swinging back and forth on your mangled ligament before you go looking for sympathy. Once Jamie's gone, the others rush to interview about how much more badass they are, and how they wouldn't let a stupid thing like gushing blood stop them from getting through the prep.

Tim: "That's nothing. I cooked through the entire duration of my circumcision".

Nobody gives Jamie a second thought once she walks out the door. Casey works on a salmon that Tre will create a sauce for. Fabio makes gnocchi. Jenc works on a pork dish that Casey interviews tastes like "wet bacon". Spew. Antonia and Tiffany have oven issues. Time winds down, and the chefs head outside to get their stations set up. Marcel snipes in interview about Angelo cutting the plums for their dish. He tries to sell this as some evil plan Angelo is weaving to discredit Marcel's food, and perhaps, in some alternate universe, we could buy that... If this weren't a shared dish amongst Angelo, Marcel, and Richard. It's kind of hard to take another guy down when it's your own food up for discussion. Jamie returns with two stitches in her thumb. The other chefs commence Round 2 of "Here's How Much Awesomer I Am Than You At Withstanding Pain".

Time runs out, and once again, the chefs are inundated with children. Antonia frets about T-Rex, because the kids don't seem interested in the frittatas she and Tiffany made. Carla frets about Brontosaurus, because the kids seem naturally more drawn to a team that's offering bacon. The judges arrive. Joining Padma, Gail, and Ptom will be the KatieBot. Oh, I guess someone finally remembered to plug her in and recharge her battery. The judges stop by Brontosaurus first. Dalet and Mike have corn grits with salsa verde. Marcel/Richard/Angelo have a banana parfait with a bunch of other seasonal fruits and tandoori maple sauce. Carla and Spike have a fruit and vegetable gazpacho. Fabio and Stephen made potato gnocchi with leeks, mushrooms, and spinach. A lot of these don't really sound breakfasty, but I get that they were kind of painted into a corner, here. Tasting. Fabio's gnocchi gets good reviews, as does the parfait. The others strike the diners as kind of so-so, though nobody has any real out-and-out complaints.

T-Rex. Antonia and Tiffany have a trio of frittatas (bacon/cheddar, ham/cheese, and chevre). Casey's salmon is topped with Tre's sauce of shrimp and apple smoked bacon. Jenc has braised bacon and topped it with hard boiled egg. Jamie stands around like a bump on a pickle. Tiffani has tenderloin with cheesy eggs that is paired with Dalel's paprika and creme fraiche Hollandaise. Tasting. Jenc's bacon is a big disappointment. Casey's salmon is well-cooked, but Tre sauce is exceptionally salty. Tre realizes that the constantly reducing sauce is causing this issue, but shrugs it off, saying he'd rather it be too salty than bland. The frittatas are unevenly cooked. Dalel and Tiffani's steak and eggs is the only dish to get universally positive feedback.

Interstitial. Fabio charms the crowd.

Fret 'n sweat. Tiffani makes the incredibly apt point to the other chefs that to her, being given a blind choice between two menu restrictions isn't much of an "advantage" for winning the Quickfire. It's true. While Ptom did tell everyone about the types of foods they'd have access to, nobody knew what ingredients they'd be working with, so Tiffani had no real leg up on anybody else. It's not the worst thing to befall someone who supposedly had an "advantage", but it merits mention. Padma comes back to the Kitchen, and summons Team Brontosaurus to the table. Once they've left, Team T-Rex starts to gripe. Assuming that Team Brontosaurus is the winning group, Dalel wonders how that can be, because he thinks their dish concepts were so bizarre for kids and their parents. Jenc responds that while they're here, everyone has to cook strictly for the judges, and leave the supposed "target audience" completely out of the equation. Dalel thinks that's selfish, and Jenc shrugs and wonders aloud if Dalel would rather win or please a crowd of people that he'll never see again. It'd be interesting to hear an answer (and in fact, a full discussion on the matter), but we immediately teleport over to...

Judges' Table. Team Brontosaurus is informed that they are, indeed, the winning team. Both the gnocchi dish and the banana parfait are roundly complimented before KatieBot is given the honor of announcing the individual winner. Well, not so individual after all: OUR. FAVORITE. DISH. TODAY. REALLY. HAD. SUCH. NICE. FLAVORS. AND. THE. WINNING. DISH. IS... THE. BANANA. PARFAIT. So, Marcel, Angelo, and Richard all share the win, which means two in a row for Angelo amongst some very stiff competition. Impressive. Marcel blahs something about how if there were an individual winner, it would have been him. Yes, you're the rapscallion of the season. We get it now. Padma dismisses the chefs, and asks to see team T-Rex.

The winners get tepid applause before team T-Rex goes out to face the music. Not the Odd Asian Music, though. He and Gong apparently have the night off. Tiffani starts right in on the judges, explaining straightforwardly and without malice how her "advantage" was anything but. Ding, ding, ding! Continued backtalk to the judges is like an extra little Hanukkah present, just for me. All Ptom can find to say is that he explained to them beforehand that their ingredients would be limited. Right, but both team's ingredients were limited, so Tiffani's point that choosing between two disadvantages is not really an advantage is still valid. Would you consider it an advantage if I told you that tomorrow, you'll either be stoned to death by pickles or suffocated in a vat of mayonnaise, but I'll give you the option of choosing which you'd prefer?

Now, to the food. It's the same problems we heard about earlier. Uneven frittatas. Spicy salmon sauce. Jenc shifts back and forth on her feet, and glares at the judges with a hugely pissed off expression. Padma notes this, and asks why. And Hanukkah continues, as Jenc unloads. She says she doesn't think the T-Rex team deserves to be in the bottom. Gail tries the old trap of asking if Jenc tasted the other team's food, but this ain't Jenc's first rodeo. She said she tasted every single bite of Team Brontosaurus' dishes, and when asked if she still didn't like it, makes a condescending clicking noise of agreement. Tiffani brings up that the Brontosaurus dishes didn't really strike her as breakfast, and KatieBot says that it bespoke a creativity that T-Rex was lacking. Sorry: THAT. T-REX. WAS. LACKING.

Ptom asks why the food wasn't plated individually, and I've got to say, if the judges feel that's a problem worthy of bringing up at Judges' Table for us all to hear about, I'm totally behind Jenc and her righteous fury. "You guys are the judges. You guys are smart enough. Why don't you say 'Hey, can I get a different plate for this?" she spits back. SWEEEEEEEEEEET. In a normal season, I wouldn't find this kind of attitude charming, preferring people to take responsibility for their mistakes. But after seven seasons of gentle deference, it is massively entertaining to see the judges taken down a peg or two. Ptom has no idea what to do with himself, haughtily stating that if the judges should be smart enough to request separate plates, so should a member of the team. Well, that wasn't her point at all, but we have some lovely parting gifts for you.

Jamie's absence from the challenge is discussed, so Antonia pops up for Round 3 of "Here's How Much Awesomer I Am Than You At Withstanding Pain". Jenc's pork dish is criticized, and she continues fighting with the judges, saying that there's no way her bacon and eggs were underseasoned. Given what Casey and the diners said about it earlier, I'd say she's most likely wrong about that. The chefs are dismissed. Christ, I feel like I should smoke a cigarette after that performance. Once the chefs are back in the Kitchen, Fabio asks how it went. "I think I yelled at the judges more than they yelled at us," Jenc says, and without missing a beat, Jamie adds "Yeah, it was pretty good!" Hahaha!

Deliberations. Ptom does his best to convince us that the judges will only consider food, and don't mind Jenc's backtalk at all. I...do not agree. Sure, if she said something like "Well, I think the pork was seasoned perfectly, so we're going to have to disagree on that," that'd be one thing, but she basically called him a moron, and well... As Bravo says, watch what happens. Tiffani and Dale had the best dish of this group. Everyone else is up for the chop, even Jamie and her lack of participation. The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. Once Tiffani and Dale are dismissed, reiterations of the same complaints we've already heard are leveled at the rest of team T-Rex, although Casey seems pretty blameless in this situation. So, who's next off the island of misfit chefs? Jenc. Please pack your knives and go. Needless to say, she does not agree with this decision. She spends her final interview explaining that there was nothing wrong with her dish, and exits the Kitchen in a hail of screaming and cursing. What caused the axe to fall? Food or 'tude? In any event, Jenc, you made this an episode to remember, and for that, you are truly an All-Star.

Overall Grade: A

Baggage Handlers

2010-12-04T10:31:00.006-06:00

Top Chef - Season 8, Episode 1

And...cue the crazy circus music. In an apparent quest to be on television year-round, a new season of Top Chef is already upon us. Ever heard of the phrase "Absence makes the heart grow fonder," Bravo? How can I miss you if you won't go away? Though I love Top Chef, I'm approaching this new season with a certain amount of trepidation, for a few reasons. As I mentioned, there's the fact that we've reached a point where there's barely a week of breathing room between seasons, and it's tough to work up excitement for something that's become so constant.

Secondly, Top Chef seems to have hit its peak, and has begun to coast. Naturally, that's just my opinion, and I'm more than willing to be proven wrong. And besides, it isn't the show's fault, necessarily. It happens to all reality shows. The format becomes stale. In an attempt to remain fresh, the challenges get stranger and less connected to anything that tests real-world skills. And each time around, the producers try to top the previous cast, so the contestants become even more zany/crazy/angry/stupid/delusional/whatever, and start to resemble a mental ward, rather than real people with real lives and real jobs. Chart The Amazing Race's contestants over time if you'd like to see this in action. Or hell, just look at Seth.

And finally, to admit another personal bias, I distrust All-Star seasons in general. Every one I've seen has been monumentally disappointing, and while there's always the chance you'll wind up mellowing on someone you used to hate, it's far more likely that you'll sour on someone you used to like. That's always sad.

All that said, it's still grand fun to go to the Top Chef viewing party, even with an annoying head cold that prevents the usual influx of wine. So, LabRat and I headed on over for a fun evening with friends, and I resolved to place the quality of the All-Star season low on my priority list. Imagine my surprise when this premiere episode not only didn't annoy me, but turned out to be immensely enjoyable. Who woulda thunk it? So, while I don't think I'll be able to give the episodes the full recap treatment, let's at least delve into the highlights. First things first, of course. We have to reacquaint ourselves with the returning chefs, and the impressions they last left us with:

Tiffani - Season 1: The aggressive villain of Season 1, I waffled back and forth on her, even at the time. There were times that I actively liked her. There were times that I actively hated her. There's no doubt she often grated on my nerves, but even with her often snide attitude, I always respected her talent. When Season 2 came along and wound up being nothing but jerks with snide attitudes, Tiffani climbed even higher in my estimation.

Stephen - Season 1: The passive-aggressive villain of Season 1, I didn't waffle nearly as much on him. He was a condescending jackass. So much so that he became the inspiration for the smarmerview. While he had strong talents in wine selection, service, and pissing people off, he's one of two chefs this season that I frankly don't believe deserve inclusion. His food was never anything to write home about.

Elia - Season 2: No better example of how someone can start off being a favorite and slide to someone you'd cheerfully elbow in the jaw can be found on reality television. She spots the next competitor on our list and "hopes he matured". Yeah. Because you were such a paragon of adulthood. Nice to see you've learned absolutely nothing in the time since your shitty season.

Marcel - Season 2: Now, here's where it gets tricky. Everyone hated Marcel. Everyone. All of the other contestants. Contestants from other seasons. The rest of the viewing party. And while I agreed with all of their complaints -- he's an asshole, he's self-satisfied, he has a stupid, hipster haircut -- I offer this small defense: There is no faster way to get me to defend someone than when the people attacking him are as bad or worse. Marcel was a total jerk. But he wasn't nearly as jerky as the goons, witches, and childish twats that tormented him. It remains to be seen if this defense can survive when Marcel is surrounded not by shit-starters and false accusations, but by actual talented chefs who conduct themselves like adults. Perhaps I'll join the haters club, after all.

Tre - Season 3: A talented competitor who managed to show confidence without being arrogant about it. He could certainly teach Kenny a lesson or two in how to comport oneself. Tre was eliminated earliest of all the All-Stars, falling victim to Restaurant Wars, which often cuts unexpected people for off-kilter reasons. I'm looking forward to seeing how he uses this second opportunity.

Dale L. - Season 3: An adorable guy who I really liked during his season, though he seemed to stumble into the finals. Once there, he made some standout dishes, but couldn't compete with Hung's technical skills. While others excelled at high-end cuisine, Dale knew how to elevate comfort food without losing the comfort.

Casey - Season 3: Here's a good example of people who need to be included in the All-Stars. Personable, talented chefs who quite simply shot themselves in the foot on one challenge. There are several of them sprinkled throughout the cast, and Casey was one of the best. We were convinced she was going to be the first female winner up until that fateful foot-shooting. Let's hope that even if her food hasn't changed, her ability to defend it has.

Richard - Season 4: Another foot-shooter. Richard dominated most of the season, winning challenge after challenge. His molecular gastronomy delighted judges and diners alike, but he choked in the finals, paving the way for Stephanie's win. He was a good egg the whole way, and I'm glad to see him back, though he looks like he's lost an alarming amount of weight.

Spike - Season 4: Welcome to the second of the two chefs who did not deserve to be asked back. What makes Spike an All-Star? The fact that he concentrated way more on game tactics than food? The fact that he appeared at Losers' Table in more than half of the episodes he competed in? The fact that he went out by mouthing off to the guest judge? Oh, it's probably that last one. He's total cannon fodder.

Antonia - Season 4: From the discussions I've had with other Top Chef fans, and from what I've read on the web, I seem to be the only one who's excited to have Antonia back. I loved her. I cheered madly when she won challenges, defended her against her detractors, and was thrown into a funk by her elimination. You've got at least one fan out here, girl! Go kick some ass!

Dale T. - Season 4: Even with Spike and Lisa around to serve as the jerkweeds of Season 4, this walking PSA about anger management managed to out-douche them both. Unpleasant even at the best of times, he was a gigantic tool from premiere to elimination. He didn't even deserve said elimination, but I rejoiced anyway, thrilled to be free of his terrible attitude and laughable belief in his own street cred.

Jamie - Season 5: The only member of Team Rainbow to survive for any appreciable amount of time, our viewing party likes to giggle about Jamie, both for her overconfidence (leading to inevitable disappointment) and for her dependence on scallops. We immediately devise a drinking game rule about taking a sip when she uses her little bivalve friends. Jamie didn't make a huge impression on me (either good or bad) her first time around, so in a sense, she's got the freshest start.

Fabio - Season 5: The Italian charmer was a big hit with all the ladies (and gentlemen who enjoy other gentlemen) at our viewing party, even if we could only understand every third word he said. He excelled at pasta, but I honestly don't remember much else about his food. He's really more memorable as a personality than a chef.

Carla - Season 5: Hootie! Definitely in the running as my favorite Top Chef contestant of all time. Kind, genuine, loveable, and talented, Carla is the only person on God's green Earth that I can hear "I put love into my food," from and believe it. She's another finale foot-shooter, and I dearly hope she puts on another strong showing.

Jenc - Season 6: Oof, I hadn't realized how distractingly alike she and Casey look. I enjoyed Jenc's ruthless efficiency, and had no problem with her status as one of Season 6's Golden Children. She was effortlessly competent towards the beginning of the season, but unfortunately, began to unravel with each passing challenge. Can she stay in it for the long haul this time?

Mike - Season 6: Clearly cast as the bad boy of his season, he stepped up to the plate by haranguing the well-intentioned old lady with cancer. Though there wasn't much to recommend him, attitude-wise, he did show an impressive range of cooking styles. Vegetarian food was not among them.

Angelo - Season 7: The serious chef who talked way too much about his heart and soul (as he does even now in his intro), he dominated a good portion of his season. Too bad it was the most boring season to date. He was felled by sickness in the finale, though it's unclear how much that factored into his loss.

Tiffany - Season 7: If some chefs are included because they shot themselves in the foot, Tiffany stands as an example of a chef who did nothing wrong, but lost on the details. She didn't stand out at the beginning of the season, but blossomed into a powerful competitor, and a highly entertaining one to boot. Would that she could have won, though any of the final five would have been better than Kevin.

All the chefs size each other up, and it's refreshing to hear so many of them say that they've got some stiff competition on their hands, rather than all of that "I'm gonna win every challenge!" bullshit we're usually treated to in the first episode. This season returns to the welcoming reality show bosom of New York City, and the chefs head to the Kitchen to meet Ptom and Padma and get started.

Quickfire Challenge. Padma explains that over the course of the season, $500,000 worth of cash and prizes will be handed out, with $200,000 of that going to the winner. First, there's the little niggling problem of having to beat seventeen other people. So, let's get to it. In the first Quickfire, the chefs will split into teams broken down by season, and they'll have to make a dish representative of the city in which the season was filmed. The entire winning team gets immunity, and Quickfire is even quicker than usual - only twenty-five minutes of prep. Ready? Go!

The Season 4 chefs have the most members, but after a lot of cross-talking, they settle on a Chicago-style hot dog. Angelo and Tiffany aim for Maryland-style crab spice and rockfish. The Season 5 folks decide to do a trio of apple dishes. Jamie is pleased with this idea, because she can focus on her own food, and the less she actually has to work with other people, the better. After all, as she says, she's a stronger chef than the other two. Yeah, so much stronger that they both pounded your ass into the ground during your actual season. She does realize that she's on tape, yes? The Season 3 chefs work on pork a la Miami. Lots of tropical fruit is involved. Elia and Marcel work on fish tacos with an apple wrapper to represent Los Angeles. Meh.

Stephen and Tiffani are making a cioppino (seafood stew) to represent San Francisco. I fucking love cioppino, but is it doable in under half an hour? Also, I should report that Stephen is wearing a suit and tie under his chef's coat. Jenc and Mike believe they can represent Las Vegas with Italian food. I guess Vegas can be represented by just about any food, but I wouldn't have picked Italian. With only a few minutes left, Angelo interviews that in the chaos, Stephen jostled him and caused him to drop all the rockfish on the floor. He hurriedly tries to get more cooked in time. Tre is having issues getting the pork done. Time runs out.

Ptom and Padma go down the line. Tiffani/Stephen have made a cioppino gazpacho with sourdough bread. Does that mean their cioppino is cold? I don't think I cotton to that. Elia/Marcel have shrimp "tacos" (which are really more like open-faced sandwiches) on guacamole in an apple wrapper. Tre/Dalel (Dale L)/Casey have done pork tenderloin on an avocado/lime puree, with tostones and mango/habanero sauce. Sounds good. Dalet (Dale T)/Richard/Spike/Antonia have made a deconstructed Chicago dog with pork and black pepper sausage, red bacon, and Richard's liquid-nitrogen-based mustard ice cream. Carla/Fabio/Jamie have their apple trio: Curried apple soup with gingered almonds, pasta with caramelized apple, and rib eye with apple slaw. Jenc/Mike have made bucatini with a bacon lobster carbonara. Well, I don't know how representative of Vegas it is, but it sure looks good. Tiffany/Angelo have managed to get some rockfish on the plate. It's surrounded by crab cake "essence" (which really just means they threw a shitton of Old Bay seasoning in), lemongrass, and jalapeno.

Results. Kicking off the bottom is Marcel/Elia, whose apple wrapper was too thin, and whose shrimp was bland. Next is Tiffani/Stephen, who had way too much raw garlic. Carla/Fabio/Jamie didn't have a cohesive dish, and only Jamie's soup was a real standout. Naturally, Jamie is pleased as punch to hear that. The stew that Tiffany/Angelo put out had a tiny bit too much salt. That leaves the other teams in the top. Tre/Dalel/Casey represented Miami well, and the pork had great flavors. Dalet/Richard/Spike/Antonia had an inventive plate. Jenc/Mike had outstanding pasta. The winning team with its precious immunity is... Dalet/Richard/Spike/Antonia. They exchange hugs and kisses while Mike sucks a lemon.

Elimination Challenge. The idea for this challenge is what really sealed this episode as a winner, so hats off to whoever came up with it. Servers enter, and place a cloche in front of each chef. They pull the lids off to reveal... Ingredients. But not just any ingredients! They are the ingredients to the dish that got each chef sent home. This evening's challenge will be to make the dish that caused an elimination, but to make it a success this time. The chefs are fortunately allowed a little creative interpretation, so they're not forced to remain true to every awful detail. They'll have three hours of prep now, and two hours on-site. The challenge's winner will not only have a warm feeling of correcting a past mistake, but they'll have $10,000 to go along with it. Oh, and Anthony Bourdain will be joining the Judges' Table regularly, so prepare yourselves for some acid. Either the criticism kind or the drug kind will do.

Prep time starts. A couple of chefs immediately set off on similar paths, which is to hide the worst thing about the original dish. Spike will mask his hideous frozen scallops with other ingredients, while Dalet will scale way back on that butterscotch, which he admits was a terrible idea in the first place. A couple of other chefs are not off to such promising starts, because they never saw anything wrong with their original creations. Fabio enjoyed his pasta with crawfish and crab stew, while Elia saw no issue with her red snapper steamed in ti leaves. She pledges to modify the dish as little as possible. Sure, why not cleave to the preparation that sent you packing? Sounds like a fine plan.

Stephen has a unique problem, in that he got kicked off for dicking around in the dining room instead of cooking, so he doesn't really have any experience with the three appetizer dishes he's tasked with making. Jamie got chopped for making Eric Ripert's black bass with braised celery that she hated then and hates now.

LabRat: "If I had been on this show, returning or not, I would have made it my mission to know the dish that sent me home backwards and forwards."

Angelo plugs away on his Singaporean noodles. Mike bemoans his ingredient limitations, because have I mentioned he's not great with vegetarian fare? Jenc vows not to overseason her dish. Carla took a lot of suggestions from Casey (who served as her finale sous chef) at the time, and while she doesn't lay any blame for her loss at Casey's feet, she's sticking to her own ideas this time around. The first chunk of prep time runs out.

Interstitial. Elia recounts the head-shaving incident. Sure, why wouldn't we want to relive the worst part of the worst season?

When the chefs arrive on-site to do their final two hours of prep, Ptom splits them into two groups of nine. The nine who aren't cooking will be eating in the dining room with the judges. Everyone is naturally jazzed to have the opportunity to size up each other's food. Group 2 tags out after Ptom, and Group 1 (Stephen, Elia, Richard, Dalet, Tiffany, Tiffani, Tre, Fabio, and Angelo) gets to cooking. Stephen seems way more pressed for time than the others, as he has to make a trio of dishes. Tiffani does her best to help him get plated in time, but it's a losing battle. Richard doesn't let petty little things like time limits get in his way, and continues plating his food well after the buzzer sounds. The other chefs are not pleased to witness this. The dishes go out to the dining room, and Gail says that this will be a trip down memory lane for better or for worse. "Hopefullyforbeeeetter," Padma singsongs. "I'm hoping better." Then she points to a plate. "I remember that dish!"

Viewing Party Tiffany: "She's already drunk."

There sure are a lot of Tiffanys (Tiffanies?) running around. What Group 2 doesn't realize is that a television has been brought into the kitchen, so Group 1 can witness what everyone is saying about their food. Elia chooses not to watch, because she can't bear to hear any criticism. She really hasn't changed a whit. The diners find a big ol' fish scale in her dish. Richard, Dalet, and Angelo get glowing reviews. Tre, Tiffany, and Tiffani's don't rank as highly, but they don't make out too badly. Stephen, on the other hand, did not do well. The diners find it swampy, muddled, and unappealing. Antonia offers some gentle criticism of Fabio's plate, but Bourdain isn't having any of that. "I hated the whole dish. I keep tasting it. I keep poking it. Just to make sure I actually hate it as much as I think I do. I really, really, really hate it." Ouch. Elia's doesn't fare much better. Dalel rips it to shreds, to the point that Antonia mutters to herself about how harsh he's being.

Time for the groups to switch places. Of course, these new diners know full well that they're being watched. Nothing noteworthy happens during Group 2's cooking prep. Group 1 gets seated in the dining room. Ptom sloshes his wine all over the table. Fabio tells Bourdain that the final tally of times he said he hated Fabio's food rounded out at eleven. Tiffani tries to cut the tension with a very apt comparison to an awkward Thanksgiving dinner, but Fabio isn't interested in making Bourdain comfortable. Time runs out in the kitchen, and the dishes are sent out. The television is brought in for Group 2, so now they know that Group 1 heard everything they said. Antonia braces herself for the onslaught of criticism.

The diners dig in. Antonia needn't have worried too much, because Richard and Tre love her sausage with cilantro, and roasted cherry blossoms with pea puree (DRINK!). Tiffany is not as big a fan. Spike's plan to hide the scallops doesn't fool anybody, but he pulled it off masterfully. Jamie and Mike skate by with good reviews, but Dalel's dumpling was not executed well. Carla did fine, though Angelo got a nasty bite of nerve ending in his steak. Gail heartily endorses Casey's pork belly, saying she really redeemed herself. Marcel's dish has uni (sea urchin) with a dot of caviar (or olive) on top, giving it the unfortunate effect of being a bowl of eyeballs staring up at you:

Tre hates the overpowering vanilla, and Fabio allows that it takes balls to put a dish like this out. Back in the kitchen, Marcel doesn't take this as anything but a grand compliment, which it may not have been. Jenc's duck is mildly disappointing. That's it for dinner, so it's time to find out who gets the dubious distinction of First One Out. The chefs trudge back to the fret 'n sweat, and begin the traditional process of dissecting everything about the challenge. Padma walks in, and summons Spike, Jamie, Richard, and Angelo to Judges' Table. The other chefs applaud mildly. Once the top four are out in the dining room, Ptom addresses Richard, saying that they want to acknowledge that he made a great dish, but his work after time ran out has disqualified him from the win. He was so focused on his work that he didn't even realize he had done it. What's done is done, though, and he's sent back to the Kitchen.

That leaves Spike, Jamie, and Angelo in the top three. Jamie's fish had a nice, crispy skin, and the celery turned out well. She admits that even with this triumph, she has absolutely no plans to serve this dish in future. Heh. Angelo made the wise decision to leave the watermelon tea off his plate this time. Spike successfully managed to hide the inferior flavor of his main component. The winner of the challenge, and the $10,000 is... Angelo. He's enormously pleased with his win, and unlike the last time he won the first challenge, realizes that he wasn't destined to get it, but had to beat out some stiff competition. He gets more mild applause back in the Kitchen. Dalet is displeased, because Richard's disqualification was "bullshit". Yeah, why bother with time limits? Let's just let people cook as long as they like. And hey, if there's something about the dish the judges don't like, why don't we let the chefs fix it and send out a second plate? And why declare a winner at all? Let's just watch these people pat each other on the back for three months.

Angelo delivers the bad news. The judges would like to see Fabio, Stephen, and Elia at Losers' Table. Odd Asian Music and Gong are back, though the gong is a lot more diminished than in seasons past. Once the chefs are lined up, the judges start with Stephen. He describes his unfamiliarity with the original platter, but the judges have a lot more technical issues with it than conceptual. The soup dumpling was monochromatic and had an unpleasant texture. The proportions of ingredients in all of the dishes were way off. Elia made absolutely no changes to the poor dish she put out way back when. Gail's portion of fish was almost raw, and Elia cops to not testing them.

Fabio points out that the issues the judges had were that his stew was too light (which is what he was going for), and the weirdness of the paper it was served in (which is a cosmetic issue, and has nothing to do with food). In fact, he calls out Bourdain directly, saying that while he has no issue with taking constructive criticism, he's not here to sit back and have people make fun of him. Ba-zing! That would have been awesome, even if he weren't entirely correct, which he is. The chefs are dismissed. On her way out, Elia tells the judges not to eliminate her, because she has a lot more to do. As long as it doesn't have to do with correcting her previous mistakes, listening to food criticism, or maturing in her attitude towards her competitors at all, I suppose.

Deliberations. Elia didn't make any of the necessary changes. Fabio's dish was indecisive. Not to my mind. Fabio's either. Stephen's proportions were wrong, and he had no method for improving a platter he had no hand in the first time around. The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. Rehashes of the same problems. Let's get right to the chop. Elia. Please pack your knives and go. Anything that wipes any remnant of Season 2 from our collective memory is fine by me. See ya! Well, I guess I should cover her final interview. She's upset, and says what everyone's thinking, which is that the first contestant eliminated wasted his/her time even participating. The other chefs offer hugs and applause, but Elia still walks away disappointed.

This season on Top Chef: You know the drill. Challenges. Cooking. "This isn't called Top Somethingorother!" Chaos. Paula fucking Deen (bleh). Muppets. A hospital visit. Fights. Angry Asian ladies. Jenc totally calls the judges on missing something. I'm telling you, if the chefs backtalk the judges every week, I'm automatically calling this the best season ever.

Overall Grade: B+

That's the Way the Cookie Crumbles

2010-11-18T15:10:00.004-06:00

Top Chef: Just Desserts - Season 1, Episode 10

Previously on Just Desserts: The American Psychiatric Association had to add an appendix to the DSM-IV just to cover the contestants on this show. People melted down more often than their ice cream. Seth went loony, Heatherh went snooty, and Malika went voluntarily. Eric shone as a lone bright spot. When the final elimination challenge loomed, Zac made a cartoonish cake that the judges wanted to fling into a barrel of DIP, and he was swiftly booted. Three chefs remain. Who will be the first winner of Just Desserts?

As with the previous episode, I'm converting the blurb to the full recap nine months late. So, the winner has already been chosen, celebrated, and forgotten, and the next batch of hopefuls waits on the horizon. Which, when I think about it, is entirely fitting.

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Hey, remember in the last episode when I said I'd be apoplectic if Morgan insulting Zac's sexuality came out of nowhere and wasn't a relevant response to a direct, unwarranted attack? Well, here we are! Though being relieved Zac was eliminated is entirely understandable, calling him "an annoying little fairy" here is unacceptable, and frankly, I'm surprised Bravo let it pass without a whisper of the shitstorm that would quite rightly occur if he had ever called Erika an uppity nigger. I'm not a fan of Zac and his disco dust either, but he's perfectly entitled to do whatever he'd like with his penis, Morgan. And hey, if openly displaying one's sexual orientation is so annoying to you, stop bragging about your goddamn son every five minutes. You shot sperm into an orifice; you didn't storm the beach at Normandy.

Aside from that little blurb of nasty homophobia, all three of the chefs are anxious about their final challenge. They go to the Kitchen, and are met by Gail, who explains that the last hurdle will be to create a progressive, four-course tasting menu for twelve diners. That's all she says before she dismisses them, so their minds go agoggle at what the inevitable twist is going to be. That night, they meet Johnny at a bar for a drink, and dig into a few fancy desserts. After they've snacked, Johnny brings out the chefs responsible for the various treats: Sherry Yard, Elizabeth Faulkner, and another Name: Claudia Fleming. These three luminaries will be acting as sous chefs for the contestants. They pull names to see who gets matched up. Gidget gets Sherry, and Danielle gets Elizabeth, leaving poor Claudia at Morgan's disposal.

The next day, Gidget is mad at Morgan. Does it even matter why? Is anyone aching to pick a side? Suffice it to say that one annoying person that I'll be glad to see the back of is angry at another annoying person that I'll be glad to see the back of. That settled, the chefs head off for forty-five minutes of shopping with a $400 budget. Gidget makes sure to get in a couple of more digs at Morgan. Danielle is mostly just floating along on a cloud of giddiness that she's even in the finale.

Back in the Kitchen, the chefs meet up with their sous chefs, and get started on their seven hours of prep work. Gidget predicts a personality clash between Morgan and Claudia. Danielle puts Elizabeth to work shelling pistachio nuts. Ooh, I wish I had a bag of those right now. All the contestants give us an insight into what their menus are going to be like, but as always, I'll save that for later. Johnny drops by to Ptimewaste. Once he's gone, Morgan begins instructing Claudia on the various chemical methods he'd like to use to create his desserts. She freely admits to the camera that her techniques are a lot more Old School, so she has no freaking idea what calcium chloride is or what to do with it. Sherry cheerfully yells out that there's one hour left, and while she may be a fantastic chef, she's not winning any safety awards for swinging around a lit blowtorch while she talks. Time runs out. That night, Morgan chokes up as he talks about his son some more. Ugh, quit cramming your sexuality down our throats, breeder!

The next day, Gidget gives us some backstory about his father encouraging his dream of becoming a chef, and then passing away shortly thereafter. Aw, that's a shame. When the chefs arrive at the Kitchen, their assumption that they'll be getting further assistance from the celebrity sous chefs is crushed. Gail is lying in wait, along with all of the eliminated contestants. Except Seth, of course, because he's probably busy thrashing against the wall of a padded room somewhere. Malika looks fairly cheerful, all things considered. Gail explains that the Names will be joining the judges as diners, so the eliminated contestants will now be filling in as sous chefs. Fortunately, they don't get to pick their best friends, and must draw names again. Yay! Gidget draws Tim, and is thrilled. Danielle draws Tania, so she'll get a chance to make an actual impression on us now. And Morgan...draws Heatherh. Awkward! The five unchosen chefs will be joining the judges and Names as diners, bringing the total up to seventeen. They're thrilled to hear it. I don't understand why Gail didn't just say there would be seventeen diners at the outset, and it makes me wonder if the challenge changed midstream.

Once Gail and the eliminated contestants leave, the chefs have three hours to get everything done. An interview with Heatherh reveals that her feelings toward Morgan have not warmed since she her departure. She still has zero respect for him, and hopes outright that he does not win. The prospect of sabotage intrigues me. Actually, she appears to be doing her best, not that Morgan appreciates it. Danielle plans a cheese course to temper the sweetness of the overall menu. Gidget and Morgan both attempt little pearls of caviar, and while Gidget's appear to be coming out nicely, Morgan is struggling. Time winds down. The diners get seated. Claudia does not have glowing things to report about working with Morgan to the other diners, calling him a "typically male pastry chef". I'm not entirely sure all that that entails, but it's clear she doesn't mean it as a compliment. Pissing off established Names isn't going to do wonders for Morgan's career. The eliminated chefs toast each other, and the finalists emerge from the Kitchen to present their work.

Gidget's first course is a cucumber and lime sorbet with yogurt caviar pearls. That sounds wonderful, though it's a bit messy looking, and the way he introduces his meal by saying it's a "dance through his palate" makes my gorge rise. Morgan has a passion fruit cannoli, with mango carpaccio, a fluid gel, and tarragon jelly. It's kind of the flip side of Gidget's dish, sounding overcomplicated and strange tasting, but it sure is pretty. Danielle opens with her cheese course. It's goat's milk cheese from Spain, with a little hazelnut cake, roasted grapes, and fig jam. Sounds good. Tasting. Everyone gets good reviews. Morgan's dish is aesthetically appealing, and has strong flavors. Gidget's dish is refined and elegant. Danielle made a savory course that still retains an air of dessert.

Second course. Gidget has a strawberry sorbet with lemongrass/lime/ginger ice cream, and a berry meringue with consomme. Well, it takes something special to get Limecrete's Pick of the Week in the finale meal, but that ice cream/sorbet combination clinches it. Morgan has a blueberry pavlova with lemon cream in a citrus chamomile broth, and chamomile pearls. Danielle serves a "palate cleanser" of lemon parfait, with pomelo and tangerine sorbet, and a moscato granita. Tasting. Gidget has made a successful deconstruction, and once again, has shown admirable restraint. Danielle's doesn't really work visually, but everyone enjoys the flavors. Morgan sold his theme as inspired by light and primary colors, and isn't delivering on that promise. As with Danielle, nobody has anything bad to say about how it tastes.

Third course. Back in the Kitchen, Morgan's souffles are falling in on themselves, and Heatherh has the practical suggestion of serving the ones that came out okay to the judges, not that it'll help much when a Name sitting next to the judges has a collapsing dessert. She rescues as many as she can, and Morgan finally displays some gratitude. I guess that sabotage idea died on the vine. Presentation. Gidget has a muscovato slow-braised pineapple, with a coconut sponge cake. DRINK! It's served with a coconut lime soup with tapioca pearls. Morgan's Manjari (dark chocolate) souffle cake is served with raspberry sorbet and cocoa nib paper. Danielle has an array of ice creams. The first is her version of a baked Alaska, the second is a strawberry sundae, and the third is a homemade root beer float. I'd probably love each and every one of those, but I worry that the idea isn't elevated enough for the judges. Tasting. Gidget's flavor combinations are great, Morgan's souffle is a big disappointment, and Danielle's ice cream trio is a big hit. Elizabeth takes a moment to pat herself on the back. I guess she just can't help herself.

Fourth course. Dannielle baby voices that this is the last thing the judges will be eating in the competition. She is one smiley face away from telling everyone to sign her yearbook, and she hopes you never change! Stay sweet! English class was a blast, you guys! Anyway, Gidget has a hazelnut dacquoise with milk jam, and a salted caramel ice cream. Morgan has a white pepper creme brulee, with a black pepper baumkuchen and a blackberry anise macaroon. Hmm. That all sounds odd, but interesting. Danielle has a chocolate pudding cake with pistachio ice cream. Tasting. Gidget's milk jam candy is a huge hit. Gail says she wants to bathe herself in it, and judging by the Google search terms that bring people to my blog, a good portion of the internet's collective head just exploded. One of the Names is less impressed by the caramel ice cream. Danielle's is good, but lacked some elegance, and could probably have benefitted from a touch more salt. Morgan's baumkuchen is described as a "masterpiece".

The chefs emerge from the Kitchen one last time to accept their applause. The judges adjourn to deliberate. The chefs and their sous chefs pop open some champagne. That's it for the helpers. Um, so... Bye, Tania! It was great catching up with you! It's all over but the waiting, and they sit there dissecting their chances. Morgan is embarrassed about the collapsing souffles, but not so much that he doesn't think he'll beat the others, because their food was "boring". Oof, I know what he means. I'm always going out to restaurants and am all, "ANOTHER strawberry sorbet with lemongrass/lime/ginger ice cream, and a berry meringue with consomme? Give me a break!"

Interstitial. The chefs come up with various ways to reiterate that this is, indeed, the end of the line.

Judges' Table. Gail asks the chefs how they think they did. As with the dessert shop challenge, no matter how good the food Danielle puts out is, she really needs to work on how to interact with people like a functional human adult. She blathers some weirdness, while Gidget and Morgan give strong, if well-worn pageant answers. Now, to the food. Danielle's ice cream trio was a real bright spot. Gail threatens to follow her around and force her to make honey candy for Gail's enjoyment. Heh. Danielle's chocolate pudding cake finale was less impressive. Hubert liked the pistachio ice cream, but Johnny thinks the pulled sugar garnish is too much of an '80s gimmick.

Unsurprisingly, Dannielle is completely smurfy about the date metaphor Gidget came up with for his menu. You guys had better write me! BFF 4-EVA! Gidget's sorbet and ice cream combination was nice, but the waiters poured the consomme directly onto the meringue, turning it into mush. Well, Gidget shouldn't really be penalized too harshly for that. If that's the worst thing they can find to say about his desserts, he's got this wrapped up. After praising his pineapple dish highly, the judges move on to Morgan. Well, I guess that's it, then. Barring him jumping up on the table and spitting in Gail's face, Gidget had better start clearing a spot on his schedule for the winner's showcase.

Morgan's souffles were inconsistent. He explains that one tray turned out great, while the other one didn't cook as much. Dannielle got one of the good ones, and enjoyed it, but it looks like the damage has already been done. That said, Morgan's baumkuchen is unanimously heralded. Johnny is a bit nonplussed to see yet another macaroon from Morgan, but admits that he's really, really good at making them. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. Hubert discusses the progression aspect of the challenge, which I actually wanted to bring up. If you're going to judge a chef on how well his or her dishes progress throughout the meal, it doesn't make any sense to be eating two other people's food concurrently. How can you honestly tell if Dish #3 naturally follows from Dish #2 if you're eating two other Dish #2 entries in between? I understand it would have been a bit weird (and too time-consuming) to eat through Gidget's entire menu, then Danielle's entire menu, then Morgan's entire menu, but it would certainly make judging menu progressions a lot less arbitrary. Dannielle is still wetting her pants over Gidget's romantic ideas.

Danielle has really stepped up in the past few challenges, which the judges have noticed. Her cheese course was a very smart idea, and her ice cream trio blew everyone away. Overall, her food was more elevated and sophisticated than it's ever been before. Morgan's food also had flashes of brilliance. His first course was probably the best food of the evening, visually. His pavlova showed a lot of technique, and the souffle that Dannielle got was perfect. He's also won more challenges than anybody else. Back in the Kitchen, Morgan says something about Claudia that's so bleeped out, I can't understand what he's talking about. The judges wrap up their deliberations.

Final decision. Danielle picked the right time to hit her stride. Gidget has a vast array of techniques, and he finally figured out when to pull back. Morgan is a dick. No, seriously. Johnny dresses it up by saying that "Nobody is ever going to push you as hard as you push yourself," which is a lovely euphemism for "Your disturbing level of aggression somehow works when you apply it to food." The first winner of Top Chef: Just Desserts is... Is... Well, Gidget, obviously. Weren't you paying attention a few paragraphs back? He's naturally thrilled, and Morgan and Danielle congratulate him warmly. He interviews that there are no words to describe it, as the judges join the contestants for the post-game hugs, where they are soon joined by the eliminated contestants.

Zac whoops for joy and jumps all over Gidget in a move that's 33% designed to draw attention to himself, 33% because he's happy for his friend, and 33% because it means Morgan didn't win. Speaking of Morgan, he and Danielle are a lot classier in their final interviews than a bunch of previous contestants, saying that they're very happy for Gidget, and that there's nobody they'd rather lose to. We go out on Gidget saying that he's looking forward to what this win will do for his career, and that he thinks his father would be proud to see what he's accomplished. No argument here.

Shall we get into the season postmortem? In a word, blech. It's easy to see why this inaugural season didn't live up to the potential it must have held in development: Casting, casting, casting. Listen, I get that reality television has to have weirdos and assholes in the mix. I understand that the producers believe watching twelve genial people being polite and saying only nice things in interviews would be boring. But there's a tipping point between competition and drama, and never since the suckhole that was Season 2 of Top Chef: Original Recipe has that divide been so unwisely crossed. You want to have an off-putting nutball here and an impassioned fight there? Fine. But it can't take over the narrative, and Just Desserts almost got swallowed in bullshit. Crazy Seth. Arrogant Morgan. Snobby Heatherh. Condescending Gidget. Attention Whore Zac. That's a lot of annoying people to take, and while Eric was lovely, and the rest of the cast was unobjectionable, it didn't even out the constant stream of negativity from those five. Especially Seth. Quirky is one thing. Pathological is another.

If we take the cast out of the picture, the rest of the show's aspects were good, but not enough of a saving grace. I liked most of the challenges, which is always a big deal. Nothing makes me angrier than a poorly-designed challenge, because it's not like the judges are ever going to admit as much, so they pretend the contestants screwed up at a task that nobody was ever going to excel in. Just Desserts never fell into that trap, and for that, I'm grateful.

The judging, on the other hand, was just so-so. I'm more than willing to accept Gail as a host, and she seems to be settling in okay. Johnny, on the other hand, needs some work. He's stiff, not terribly well-spoken, and some of his opinions come off as arbitrary. Maybe it's just a head judge thing, because I still haven't warmed to Ptom like the rest of the Top Chef community has. Maybe he just needs some practice. Hubert, who was so engaging as a judge on Original Recipe and a contestant on Masters is somewhat of a cipher here. Dannielle... I hate to say this, because she seems like a very nice woman. I'm sorry, but she needs to go. A judge has to stand out at something. They can be extremely knowledgeable. They can be extremely experienced and/or well-known to the general public. They can be extremely funny and acerbic. Hell, they can even find success as "the cranky one". Dannielle was none of those things, and frankly came off like they plucked some lady off the street.

I don't want to sound like I hated this season. I didn't. But given that they've got a slew of Top Chef seasons behind them, Just Desserts had no right to be such Amateur Hour television, first season or no. I'm more than willing to watch another season. The judges will probably gel better. The contestants may be less obnoxious. I'm looking forward to seeing what challenges they can pull out of the hat. As a first draft, Just Desserts has promise, but as a finished product, it's back to the drawing board.

Overall Grade: B-
Overall Season Grade: C-

Love/Hate Relationships

2010-11-10T23:47:00.004-06:00

Top Chef: Just Desserts - Season 1, Episode 9

Previously on Just Desserts: Morgan shattered Gidget's sugar vase. And dreams. Zac won, Gidget struggled, and my hopes were dashed like so many fragile sugar vases as the lovely Eric was eliminated. Four chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Two points to get to before we dive in. First, as I said in the short blurb about this episode, a great deal of time is devoted to four whiny people making themselves as unpleasant as possible. That's not super-fun to revisit, so I'm going to gloss over a lot of the "Shut up!" "No, you shut up!" "You're dumb!" "Well, so's your face!" segments. Secondly, I may be a bit behind in converting the blurb to this full recap. Say, about nine months late. Want to know what the summer of 2011 is like? It's hot. Shall we?

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Gidget beats himself up for not performing well enough in the last challenge. He wants to become the first gay, San Franciscan chef to win a season in this franchise. It'd be nice if he put some of that energy into being less of a Mean Girl, but one step at a time, I guess. Morgan is sick to death of being trapped with the other chefs. I was all ready to point out that his personality is also far from sparkling, but then tried to envision what it would be like to share a household with Seth, Zac, and Gidget. I guess I'd be grumpy, too.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by a towering pile of Godiva chocolate boxes and this week's guest judge, Francois Payard. He used to be Morgan's boss, which makes Morgan nervous for what is probably a dozen good reasons. Zac tries out a weak pun about Francois being "a tough cookie". Wait... I cannot believe I just gave someone shit about weak puns after the post titles I've come up with. My apologies, Zac. Gail tells the chefs that for today's Quickfire, they'll need to tell their life stories via four chocolates, one of which will need to represent a cherished moment in each chef's history - a "Golden Moment". The winning chef gets one of the chocolates tweaked and reworked by Godiva to be sold nationwide. Huh. I'm not sure "Have your work about a cherished memory redone to suit the general public, and then be given no credit for it" is a stellar prize, but the chefs seem happy, so I won't step on their joy.

Gail starts the two-hour countdown. The chefs scatter, knocking dishes all over the floor. Zac and Gidget explain to us about how truffles and bonbons are usually a time-consuming process, so trying to get them done in two hours is a big challenge. I don't doubt it. Gidget begins emulsifying his ganaches, which I'm totally going to start using as a euphemism for something, though I'm not sure what yet. Morgan works on a bittersweet ganache to symbolize his failed marriage. Won't that make a lovely Valentine's Day gift for your sweetie? Danielle works on a baseball shape/theme to symbolize the bond between her and her father. Aw, that's nice. The "Golden Moment" chocolates rely heavily on relationships, as Morgan's revolves around his son, and Gidget's around his boyfriend. Thumbs up to Gidget on that boyfriend by the way. Nicely done. Zac's combines his parents' favorite flavors, while Danielle breaks with the relationship theme to make a chocolate to symbolize the day she opened her business.

Zac takes a few moments (in smarmerview) to insult Danielle's food, personality, and looks. What a gem. And I'm sorry, but nobody who puts that amount of gel in his hair in a desperate (and futile) attempt to hide that fact that he'll be bald in five years gets to rail on someone for their looks. Morgan crabs about Zac having the piping bags under his station, where they are sitting in full view, and threatens (in smarmerview) to throw all his chocolates in the trash. Can you see why it's taken me nine months to come back to this episode? And we're not even through the Quickfire! With the possible exception of Danielle, all of these chefs are fairly wretched people. Surely, there are more people like Eric, Erika, and Tim out there, yes? Pastry chefs aren't all douchenozzles, are they? Anyway, in the final minutes, Gidget shatters one of his chocolate molds, and unsuccessfully tries to recreate it. When time runs out, he's one chocolate short.

Gail and Francois go down the line. Zac's chocolates are all about friends and family. Yeah, I would bet that numbers at about four. He has a milk chocolate truffle with wild blueberry and peanut butter. Hmm. I like all those flavors, but can't really tell if they'd work together. His best friend is represented by a green tea/lemon truffle. A white chocolate truffle with lemongrass/lime/ginger represents his other best friend. Now that sounds tasty. Francois disagrees, calling the two best friend truffles "flat". I guess that would describe anyone who'd willingly hang out with Zac. His Golden Moment truffle is the aforementioned combination of his parents' favorites: dark chocolate and pretzels.

Danielle's first truffle symbolizes family vacations to Hawaii, incorporating pineapple and coconut. DRINK! A niece's birthday is symbolized by milk chocolate with a roasted banana filling. Yes, please. That'll do nicely for Limecrete's Pick of the Week. The baseball truffle uses caramel corn and peanuts. And the Golden Moment chocolate is a Rocky Road, with almond, marshmallow, and nougat. Morgan's box of chocolates is far and away the most beautiful, visually. His decision to go to culinary school is represented by a passion fruit and milk chocolate bonbon. His marriage is an acai rose-water jelly on top of bittersweet chocolate ganache. His Top Chef experience is represented by a mendiant with a Rocher filling. Oh, if they're symbolic of him on Top Chef, it must be made of condescension with a creamy, arrogance filling. Oh, I guess not. His "Golden Moment" is the birth of his son, represented by a green tea with a white chocolate/butter ganache.

Gidget, as mentioned, only has three chocolates. Presenting less than the required amount isn't "helping [his] ego," which as we all know, is the at the center of everything Gidget says, thinks, or does. His move from Turkey to America is symbolized by a dark chocolate ganache with apricot pates de fruits (essentially a gummy, candied fruit). His Buddhism (Side note: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I didn't realize Buddhists generally walked around acting like the embodiment of every high school cheerleader cliche out there) is represented by coconut milk and chai tea. His "Golden Moment" chocolate to symbolize his boyfriend is an almond praline with caramelized honey ganache.

Results. Naturally, Gidget falls to the bottom for not completing the challenge. Fellow Plastic Zac soon joins him there, as all of his chocolates were overly sweet, and there was no balance. Now, to the top two. Danielle had interesting ideas, and interesting flavors to go with them. Morgan's chocolates were extremely beautiful, even if the green tea one was too sweet for Francois' tastes. Even with that working against him, Morgan wins the challenge. He's curiously blase about his win, which Danielle notes. Maybe he's stewing over the fact that his son-inspired candy was the least successful. Anyhow, Francois selects the mendient chocolate as the one to be sold nationally, opting to sprinkle a little salt on top to finish it.

Elimination Challenge. A sweet old man named Ben shuffles in, and explains to the chefs that he and his wife will soon be celebrating their 61st anniversary. Gail tells them that they'll each be making an anniversary cake for the happy couple, which will be judged on appearance, and of course, flavor. The cake, that is. Not the couple. Ben relays as naughty a meeting story as sixty-three years ago gets, saying that he met his wife at a beach party and went swimming with her. Ooh, saucy! I'll bet he even saw her ankles! Naughty minx. They were married two years later. Aw. The chefs head off for thirty minutes of shopping with a $200 budget. Danielle complains about Morgan's overconfidence, and not without reason.

Back in the Kitchen, the chefs have ten hours of prep time, and will have two hours tomorrow to finish up. Zac is nervous, not only because getting a spot in the final three rests on this challenge (understandable), but because this isn't his type of challenge (not understandable). I mean, come on. "I'm going to totally PWN this dessert competition! As long as they don't ask me to make a basic cake!" I still don't understand how someone who made an almost wearable dress out of chocolate gets completely stymied by something almost any of us could do with a week's practice and a decent stand mixer. Gail enters, and tells the chefs they get to spend some time with Ben and his wife to glean some inspiration. And who does Ben's wife turn out to be? Sylvia Weinstock. Ooh, this will add some pressure. Good challenge idea. Sylvia offers some history to help the chefs out, such as the colors of her wedding dress and bouquet, the time she and Ben spent smooching under a piano (heh), and the flavors they prefer. Much like me, she's a lemon baby.

Once Ben and Sylvia leave, the chefs begin their prep in earnest. Morgan crabs about Zac, who earlier crabbed about Danielle, who earlier crabbed about Morgan, who was earlier crabbed about by Gidget. In case you've forgotten, the theme of this episode is deep, loving, respectful relationships. Danielle makes a gray icing to represent Sylvia's gray wedding dress, and hopes to incorporate pink flowers as well. Zac wants to cement two cakes together with passion fruit ice cream. He and Gidget share some Plastic gossip, before Johnny stops by to Ptimewaste. Zac promises to tone down his normal level of campy kitsch for this cake, while Morgan hopes to have learned a lesson from Sylvia's critiques of his wedding cake. Johnny worries that Gidget's cake will be too fussy and complicated, and that Danielle has to rise above her normal fair-to-middling challenge placement to earn a spot in the finale.

Zac completes his bottom layer, and to his credit, realizes that it does not look good. It's an odd shade of blue, and what appears to be an attempt at stripes has gone all wonky and uneven. He sighs that he'll just have to go for broke on the other sections of the cake. A stupid spat breaks out when Morgan hoards the piping bags (well, sort of -- again, they're in full view under his station), and explains that he's just getting Zac back for hoarding them earlier, because he is nine. It's actually Danielle who takes him to task for it, and although she's got at least a dozen valid points to attack him on, she just settles for sneering at him and telling him to shut up. Happy anniversary, Ben and Sylvia!

Time winds down, and the chefs store their cakes for transport. The next day, they're driven out to a mansion's backyard where the party has been set up. As mentioned, they've got two hours to finish their cakes, and Morgan brags that he only needs a quarter of that, settling down for a nice, quiet think about how awesome he is afterwards. Gidget snarks in interview that maybe Morgan should be checking his cake over for areas of improvement, because it looks awfully simple, and for once, I'm with him. It's pretty basic. Zac realizes that he's incapable of making something classy and restrained, and decides to just go full Valley of the Dolls all over his cake. Out comes the disco dust, and he turns what started out as an ugly cake into a SPECTACULARLY ugly cake.

The party begins, and the cakes are presented. Gail leads the judges, hosts, and the couple of the hour down the line. Morgan's cake is a simple, circular, white tiered cake with some piping and a piano on top. The top tier is lemon and raspberry panna cotta, and the bottom is a dark chocolate sponge cake with ganache. Tasting. Everyone has positive things to report. Sylvia enjoyed both tiers, and his presentation is lauded. Danielle's cake is battleship gray accented with pink roses, and is accented with decoration to emulate piano keys. It's finished off with Ben and Sylvia's monogram in gold lettering. The cake itself is chocolate, with sour cherry compote and Greek yogurt ice cream. Spew. The judges disagree. They love the flavor, even if they find the gray icing a bit odd. Zac's cake... What to say about Zac's cake... Well, they say a picture's worth a thousand words, but in this case, I'd say we could squeeze out about double that:

This tower of shit would be out of place at a kid's birthday party, nevermind an anniversary party attended by actual adults. The lady who runs Cakewrecks would look and this and say "That's it. The blog can end now. We have a winner." I mean, listen. I know the challenges are tough, the time constraints are a killer, and by this point in the competition, everyone has gone stark raving mad (except Seth, whose starting point was stark raving mad). But I'm hard pressed to look at that thing and think of how Zac could have fucked it up more. He makes up some twaddle about how the blue icing symbolizes the water, and the black and white circles, a piano. The judges do their best not to double over in hysterical laughter right there at the table.

I suppose I should mention what the cake is made of, though it hardly seems to matter. The top tier is dark chocolate and fresh raspberry, while the bottom tier is lemon sponge cake with raspberry jam. That actually sounds fairly good, though I'm not sure I'd enjoy the passion fruit ice cream cementing the layers together. Tasting. The judges naturally hate the presentation, but find some nice things to say about some of the flavor components, though Francois notes a nasty aftertaste of burnt cocoa powder. By contrast, Gidget's cake appears quite lovely. It's a pleasant shade of pale yellow, with piano keys on the side, and a vibrant pink flower decoration on top. The top layer is almond cake with chocolate mousse. The bottom layer is sponge cake with lemon cream. That all sounds great. Unfortunately, as Gidget cuts into the cake to serve the judges a slice, it kind of disintegrates. Tasting. It turns out that the subtitles have woefully under-described the cake, and Gidget has thrown all sorts of bells and whistles into the mix that compete and fight each other. The judges aren't too pleased with it, finding it a bit of an overcomplicated mess.

The party winds down, and the chefs taste each others' cakes. Gidget compliments Danielle's. Danielle interviews that she feels pretty good about this challenge, and is grateful that they're judged anew each episode, because no matter how close she's come to elimination before, as long as she hasn't made the ugliest cake the judges have ever seen this time around (I'll leave you to intuit the image they flash on the screen at this point), she should be safe. Zac interviews that he knows he didn't put out a good product, but thinks he should get to the finale over Morgan anyway, based on pure gumption and risk-taking. In other words, we're already back to the remarkable attitude I mentioned in the last episode: "I really messed up, but feel that there should be zero consequence." I'm continually gobsmacked by this theory that taking a risk should automatically carry with it the reward for the risk being successful. That's not really what a risk is. Sometimes you achieve something great. And sometimes you make the ugliest cake in history. Life isn't the second-grade science fair, kids. You don't get a blue ribbon just for participating.

Interstitial. Morgan tells us that he's always the last chef to leave the apartment in the morning. Fascinating. Do they really think these little scenes stop people from blowing by with their DVRs? Hell, what do I know? Maybe they do.

Judges' Table. In the fret 'n sweat, Morgan makes a tortured analogy about how the Top Chef experience is like climbing a mountain. The chefs share a brief moment of commiseration before going out to face the judges. Zac's arms are already crossed defensively. Gail reminds us that the challenge winner will receive $15,000 and a guaranteed spot in the finale. Not bad for a layer cake. Danielle's cake was imaginative, and had spot-on flavor. The worst thing they can find to say about it was that the gray icing was an odd choice. Gidget wanted to tell a story with his cake, but in adding so much detail, he made it overcomplicated. His flavored buttercream was nice, though, as was his elegant presentation.

Morgan's presentation was classically simple, though Francois thinks the panna cotta needed some acidity, Hubert thinks the chocolate layer was a bit dry, and Johnny says his shell border was uneven. Man, they are just killing him on the details. Zac admits to struggling with this challenge, saying that "Sylvia is a force to be reckoned with." I guess it's her fault that his cake looked like Beach Blanket Bingo exploded all over it. Hubert did like that the cake was moist, but that's about all the praise it gets. Zac, perhaps having realized that "I should be rewarded for taking a risk that didn't work out," isn't enough of an argument, reaches for the only thing he can think of to save himself, and sinks to an even weirder and more off-putting defense.

See if you can follow this one: Zac feels that because he is more emotional and effusive, he deserves a spot in the finale more than Morgan does. You see, because Morgan doesn't fall all over himself weeping and rending his clothing every time he wins a challenge, that must mean he doesn't care about the competition, and thus, should be eliminated. Morgan, his voice shaking with fury, responds with both barrels. He says it's not in his character to jump up and down and flail around singing showtunes like a little girl when he's happy or excited. That statement can certainly be read as an upsettingly homophobic attack, and while I'm trying to get offended on Zac's behalf, I just can't get there. If Morgan had said the same thing out of the blue, I'd be apoplectic, but Zac had that coming. He just impugned Morgan's character in an effort to distract from his own shitty work, and to me, that's a bigger character flaw than shining a spotlight on a bully's biggest insecurity. Sorry to all my homo brethren for that, but being oppressed doesn't give us the right to be raging assholes for no reason.

Gail nods and somewhat hilariously squeaks out "Okay..." before dismissing the chefs. Back in the Kitchen, Zac decides to cover himself in even more glory by sheepishly telling Morgan that attacking his character was "personality, not personal". Dude, if you're going to be such a nasty person, you may as well own it. Stop trying to pretend like your vicious attack was just a show for the judges, and lets-all-go-grab-a-cup-of-coffee-and-laugh-about-it. Morgan says it better than I could in interview: "Yeah, it is personality. And yours sucks. Go buy a new one." Deliberations. Zac's presentation sucked, and the flavor didn't do much to save it. Morgan's cake was a bit too simple and bland, though it was appropriate to the occasion. Danielle's cake was great, though the judges harp on the icing color again. Gidget's cake was lovely on the outside and a convoluted mess on the inside. The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. Johnny congratulates all four of the chefs, and pretends that they're wonderful people who make him proud to be a pastry chef. Really? They generally strike me as egocentric children who make me want to run away screaming. Francois gets to announce the challenge winner, who turns out to be... Danielle. Despite their earlier carping, Morgan immediately reaches out to give her a hug. Zac and Gidget applaud her. In an eerie callback to Morgan's tirade about jumping up and down like a girl, she...jumps up and down. She's ecstatic with her win and her spot in the finale. After she's dismissed, the judges address the other chefs. Morgan played it safe, Zac put too much of his own personality into his cake (heh), and Gidget needs restraint. We go over to Gail for the chop. Zac. Your dessert just didn't measure up. Please pack your tools and go. Whee!

Final interview. Zac isn't surprised by his elimination, though he makes sure to sneak in a crack about Morgan's rubbery cake. He tells us that he can't wait to see what comes after this in his career. Hey, as long as whatever he does next isn't on my television screen, I wish him all the best. As it is, after that cake and that "professionalism", this elimination is so satisfying, I may need to take up smoking.

Overall Grade: C+

Tea Bagged

2010-11-07T23:40:00.002-06:00

Top Chef: Just Desserts - Season 1, Episode 8

Previously on Just Desserts: The chefs were split into teams. The Plastics were thrilled that they could finally show their might as a cohesive unit, and they got off to a good start when they won the Quickfire. Plastics forever! Or at least until the Elimination Challenge, where they fell apart! They were plagued by decor and presentation problems, but those were nothing in comparison to Heatherh's craptastic dough. And just like that, the Top Chef Plastics lost their Regina George. Five chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. Leftover Halloween candy, of course. I would have been satisfied with just that, when suddenly, Panny and Phooey appeared at the door with banana muffins with chocolate chips, right out of the oven. Bliss.

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Danielle indulges in a little smug satisfaction that the Plastics were knocked off their high horse. She also takes a moment to stress over the fact that she's the last woman standing. Gidget bemoans the loss of Heatherh, saying that she was an ultra-talented chef, and he can't believe that the Plastics wound up in the bottom three. It always tickles me to see contestants take that tack: "Well our pastry dough sucked beyond measure, but I can't believe we lost!" "Well, my food was terrible in both the Quickfire and Elimination challenges, but I was hoping the judges would overlook that because I have so much potential!" "Well, we started in sixth place, but I'm totally shocked that the people we're racing against managed to get on a decent flight!" Or basically, any version of "I really messed up, but feel that there should be zero consequence." It's incredible. Everyone heads out for the day.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Gail and this week's guest judge, Shinmin Li. Shinmin is a cake decorator, and we see some shots of her truly impressive work. Gail explains that in this Quickfire, the chefs will be making edible bouquets of flowers. Eric doesn't have experience with pulling sugar, but hopes that buttercream flowers will be just as artistic. Morgan, on the other hand, is looking forward to pulling more techniques out of his bag of tricks. The chefs will have three hours to get everything done, and the winner will receive $5000. Ready? Go!

Zac immediately grabs the vase made out of mirrors. What a shock. He also stocks up on chocolate. Danielle peels oranges, and interviews that she doesn't really work with sugar flowers, preferring to work with real flowers instead. Ooh, that reminds me that I haven't had candied violets in a while. Those things are awesome. Eric works on making a large cake in the brioche mold, which he'll then decorate with icing flowers. Gidget begins making orchid petals, but wants to go the extra step by eschewing the actual vases in favor of making his own out of pulled sugar. Good idea! Morgan works on chocolate flowers, but makes sure to add in some color with pulled sugar. Gidget works on his vases. For some reason, he's making them on a table shared with other equipment instead of on his own station. He explains to us how fragile and delicate the vases are. Yeah, but if they work out, they'll blow the judges' socks off.

When Gidget goes back to work on the rest of his bouquet, Morgan steps in to use the heat lamp next to the sugar vases. Heatherh's lip isn't the only thing his elbow hates, and he winds up accidentally shattering one of Gidget's vases. Oh, shit! Maybe it's time to keep a closer eye on those gangly appendages, dude. He apologizes to Gidget, who suggests in interview that he wouldn't put it past Morgan to break the vase on purpose. Way to piss away any sympathy I had for you. Just when you were beginning to impress me, too. Gidget takes the other vase back to his station to gently lower over his flowers. The camera crew knows to keep a close eye on this one, the better to see it shatter, which it does. Ouch. Gidget manages to refrain from accusing himself of cheating. To his credit, he wastes little time in self-pity, and runs to get an actual vase from the shelf. Meanwhile, Zac flails. He tells us he has no idea what he's doing. I'm honestly confused how a guy who's supremely confident in his ability to make wearable dresses out of chocolate can't figure out a bouquet. There's a final work montage, and then time is up.

Gidget shit-talks everyone else's work before Shinmin and Gail go down the line. Morgan has made flowers out of chocolate, but as promised, there are pops of color with pulled sugar bows and blossoms. The chocolate color blends perfectly into the vase, making that look edible as well. It's really beautiful. Danielle's presentation includes candied orange peel, sugar cookies, and marshmallow flowers. The best way I can describe it is that it looks like it would be used as stage decoration in a school play. I mean that in both the positive and negative senses. On the one hand, it's colorful and vibrant, and super-cute. But on the flip side, it has no flip side. It's essentially a two-dimensional bouquet. Plus, it's a little Pee-Wee's Playhouse. If eight-year-olds were judging this challenge, she'd win it in a walk. Gidget describes the saga of his shattered vases. He's bounced back to fill a glass vase with tropical roses and leaves made out of tempered cocoa butter.

Zac tries the well-known tactic of calling something "modern" to explain its ugliness. A sculptural mirror vase has chocolate blades placed here and there in flowerish shapes. Chocolate leaves lie in a pile at the bottom. His beloved disco glitter is also blown all over his work. "It is pretty disco-y," Shinmin says. She does not mean it as a compliment. Eric has made a giant cupcake, which is topped with gum paste and buttercream flowers.

Results. The bottom three kicks off with Zac, whose chocolate work is messy. Eric's should have been higher, and his piping work wasn't sharp enough. Eric, usually all too happy to agree with the judges' critiques, takes issue for once. He liked what he did just fine. The last of the bottom three is Danielle, who should have done a piece that can be viewed from any angle. That leaves the other guys in the top. Shinmin manages to chide Morgan for not doing enough, even as she calls his work the most professional presentation of the bunch. Gidget's final presentation is well-balanced, with each petal having individual personality. The winner of the challenge and the wad of money is... Morgan. Gidget makes sure to interview that if Morgan hadn't shattered one of his vases, Gidget himself could have won. Of course, he may also have won if he hadn't shattered the other one himself, but God forbid a Plastic indulge in some self-reflection. Morgan helpfully tallies his cumulative winnings for us, saying he's earned $36,000 to date.

Elimination Challenge. The chefs will be catering a tea party for Dana Cowin and "some of her friends". That lady certainly enjoys hosting fake parties. Naturally, the party has a theme: Celebri-tea. The chefs will be creating desserts inspired by contemporary celebrity duos. Each chef will make a hundred portions of two little desserts. Zac giggles. Morgan awesomely rolls his eyes. Yeah, this is dumb.

After the challenge is outlined, the chefs head for the store with a $300 budget. Danielle stocks up on strawberries, saying she's going to do something red to symbolize redhead Conan O'Brien and Andy Richter. Zac's chosen celebrity couple is Julie Andrews and Blake Edwards. He has all sorts of ideas to work off of "A Spoonful of Sugar" and the Pink Panther movies. Clever. He intentionally steers clear of any idea that incorporates chocolate, wanting to expand his horizons and distance himself from his woeful Quickfire performance. Morgan, who has zero knowledge and negative interest in celebrities, pages through a tabloid for inspiration. He finds a story about Kim Kardashian being mad that Reggie Bush won't propose, and runs with it. He compares the situation to the wild controversy surrounding sachertortes, and if they're supposed to be made with raspberry or apricot. Yeah, I remember them having a hot debate about that on Meet the Press. Gidget's inspiration is Madonna and Guy Ritchie, whose conflict-ridden relationship will be shown with dueling chocolate desserts. Eric chooses Oprah and Stedman. So, I guess one of the desserts will have a giant beard on it? The worst Frankenbyte I've ever heard suggests Eric will be grabbing all the chocolate he needs from the Kitchen pantry. Seriously, that quote was patched together from about five different sources.

Back in the Kitchen, the chefs get going on their three hours of prep. They quickly discover that a trap has been set for them while they were out shopping: All of the chocolate has been removed from the pantry. Johnny walks in, and announces that for this challenge, there will be no chocolate allowed, because chocolate is never the star of tea parties. Well, sure. The last time you were at a non-political tea party meant for adults and composed of desserts inspired by celebrity duos, was there any chocolate offered? WELL, WAS THERE?!?!? I love how Johnny's pretending this twist has anything to do with the real world. It's like when OJ tells models that learning how to strut on tilting platforms suspended over water is an essential job skill.

Once Johnny's gone, the chefs get back to work. Zac's earlier decision to avoid chocolate has suddenly given him an advantage, since he doesn't have to change anything about his original plan. Danielle is also sitting pretty. The others are forced to scramble. Gidget, in particular, has no idea what to do now. One of Eric's desserts was going to be chocolate, and he decides to replace it with a second shortbread, done in a different style than the one he was already planning. Morgan replaces his chocolate cake with a blonde version. Gidget hurries to come up with new ideas to execute, but his heart is definitely not in this challenge. Time winds down.

Later, the chefs arrive at the party site, where they get an additional hour to set up. The kitchen there is extremely hot and cramped. Eric interviews that he hates what his desserts have become since chocolate was taken off the menu, and by this point, all he can do is hope that they're good enough to pass him through to the next round. Danielle hurries to get everything done on time. Guests stream into the dining room and get seated. Dana Cowin pretends to have any sort of hostess/guest relationship with them. I guess tea parties are supposed to be all about imaginary guests anyway, so I can't complain. The judges settle in at their table. Shinmin, Dannielle, and of course Dana are sitting in with Johnny and Gail. They spew some bullshit about how taking chocolate away from the chefs after all the shopping was done has some sort of real world parallel. Guys, just stop. It's an off-kilter reality show challenge. That's all it is. It's fine, but stop pretending it has relevance out here.

Service starts, and Eric trudges out to the dining room with his despised desserts. His Stedman is a square rosemary shortbread with apricot compote. Oh, no! Never serve rosemary to Gail! Oprah is a round pecan shortbread (heh) with caramel. Johnny senses how nervous and upset Eric is, and advises him to take a deep breath. Aw. Tasting. The portions are too big, the presentation is lackluster, and the Oprah shortbread explodes when eaten (double heh). Still, the compote is tasty, and people seem to enjoy the rosemary shortbread.

Back in the kitchen, Morgan is making a nuisance of himself while Zac is trying to concentrate on getting things plated. You will note that although Zac complains about this in interview, he does not waffle on and on about how Morgan is a cheater, or how Morgan is just threatened by Zac's massive talent. Result? My momentary annoyance actually flows towards Morgan for once, and doesn't turn back on the original complainer. See how little it takes to get me on your side? Just focus on the actual transgression, and I'm all yours! Zac takes his desserts out to the dining room. His first dessert is a mascarpone cheesecake with Cap'n Crunch and tarragon sugar. I do try to separate people's personalities from their food, and Zac certainly racks up plenty of Limecrete's Pick of the Week dishes, as this cheesecake does. Yum. His second dessert is a pink pavlova with grapefruit curd and meringue. In an extremely shrewd move, he's shaped them so that the pavlova can be stacked on top of the cheesecake if the diners wish to do so. Genius! Tasting. The judges have nothing negative to say; they love everything he's done.

Danielle is running behind on time. Morgan is still in the way, and not helping her cause. She manages to get the desserts plated, and heads out to the dining room. Her Conan O'Brien dessert is a tall strawberry layer cake with strawberry jam and dried jalapeno. The Andy Richter is oatmeal cookie cake, with orange blossom water buttercream icing. Tasting. The leavening ratio seems to be off, and the jalapeno was very strong. Still, she had good instincts, and provided a nice variety of flavors in two little desserts. Morgan plates without incident, though he still misses that chocolate. His first dessert is a blonde sachertorte - an almond sponge cake with an apricot coulis and citrus buttercream. The second is a bittersweet citrus macaron. Tasting. The macaron gets decidedly mixed reviews. The almond flavor of the sponge cake is outstanding, but it isn't really the finger food it should be, and must be eaten with a spoon.

Gidget is racing to get plated in time. Morgan sees him struggling, and hopes he can rid himself of his strongest competitor. Gidget interviews that for the first time in the competition, he's not confident in the flavor combinations he's put together. Not only that, but he loses his race against the clock, and only a portion of the desserts go out to the dining room, though a full set does make it to the judges. Factor that into your guesswork about if incomplete plates must be sent to the judges, or can be pawned off on other diners. Gidget's first dessert is a citrus Greek yogurt cake, with a baked honey flan. The second is a brown butter sable, with dulce de leche and Calvados gelee. They both look pretty terrible. Tasting. The cake is moist, but bland. The sable has some good flavor, but is overly sweet. The diners find that Gidget's anxiety and his inability to finish on time shines through in the food. Service winds down. Eric notes how much Gidget has struggled, and sees a glimmer of hope for his own chances.

Interstitial. Danielle hogs the bathroom. She also takes a box of cereal in there with her, which is nasty.

Judges' Table. In the fret 'n sweat, Eric is explaining that no matter who goes home, all five of them have a lot to be proud of. I just adore him. Gail comes back, and summons Morgan, Zac, and Danielle to the table. To nobody's surprise, they are the top three. Morgan was easily able to work around the no-chocolate twist. Shinmin loved his almond cake. Zac's inspiration was top-notch, and his desserts were refined and elegant. Dannielle says that despite their sophistication, they were neither prissy nor boring.

Tiffany: "That's funny, because you are."

Danielle's desserts had a marvelous sense of fun, and they were both tasty. Johnny condescendingly tells her that she finally showed some commitment to following through on a plan. Thanks, Dad. Can I borrow the Camaro tonight? Shinmin gets to announce the challenge winner, who turns out to be... Well, Zac of course. I don't know why I even put in the Ellipsis of Suspense. Still, it's his first Elimination Challenge win, and he's ecstatic. His only prize is to send the remaining chefs out to Losers' Table.

Once they're in front of the judges, Gail asks what went wrong, as both of them were clearly beaten into depression by this challenge. Eric says that there was so much going on in his brain after the chocolate was taken away, he couldn't focus on anything. Dannielle says that his desserts lacked creativity, which is true, although she's way more concerned with how the shortbreads tied in to Oprah and Stedman than she should be. If Eric had made something completely delicious that had nothing to do with his chosen celebrities, nobody would care. Johnny says that even with all the challenge restrictions, Eric has an arsenal of tasty baking recipes at his command, and should have been able to come up with something better. I wish I could argue with that, but can't. Eric begins to well up with tears, and Gail kindly says that the judges know that he's an amazing baker, but they just couldn't find him in these particular desserts. That was nice. Eric makes no excuses, and freely admits that he really fell down on this challenge.

Gidget had similar problems. None of the judges have ever seen him so flustered. He explains that both of his desserts were originally based on chocolate, and when he attempted to bounce back and plan another set, he couldn't pull it together in time. Half the things he made for the final duo never even made it onto the plates. Dannielle continues to be obnoxiously obsessed with the celebrity tie-in. Lady, he barely got food on the plate. He didn't give two shits about whether or not the goddamn cake represented Madonna at that point, nor should he have. Shinmin has more legitimate complaints. The cake was mushy, and she didn't get any of the sage flavor Gidget infused into it.

Johnny adds that the presentation reminded him of frozen petit fours that cruise ships pull out of a box. There's a White Whine if I ever heard one. He wraps up by telling Gidget that his desserts literally made Johnny angry. Listen, I'll bet Johnny is an amazing pastry chef, and I'll bet he's a blast to hang out with. That said, he's kind of a crap judge. Maybe he can work on it in the off season. Ptom has definitely improved, so Johnny's certainly not beyond hope. Like Eric, Gidget offers no excuse for his poor showing, though he does mention that he fell apart after Heatherh was eliminated. That does not help his case. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. Neither of the bottom two were their usual talented selves. Johnny says that this challenge is about more than just flavor. Gidget had a better concept than Eric, whose shortbreads were both disappointing. However, none of Gidget's food lived up to expectations. It's neck and neck, but the judges do manage to make a decision.

Elimination. Eric's desserts were flat and uninspired. Gidget let his emotions take over, to his food's detriment. We go over to Gail for the chop. Eric. Your dessert just didn't measure up. Please pack your tools and go. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He shakes the judges' hands, and Johnny makes sure to tell him he's a great chef on his way out. Aw. In his final interview, Eric says that he cracked under the pressure, and he's frankly glad to be going when he is. All of the other chefs are devastated to lose such a kind competitor, and they all hug and congratulate him on being so awesome. Eric is happy for the friendship and validation he's gotten through this process, officially marking the first time that I've been more upset about a chef's elimination than the chef himself. Sniff.

Overall Grade: B-

Melted Plastic

2010-11-01T23:22:00.005-05:00

Top Chef: Just Desserts - Season 1, Episode 7

Previously on Just Desserts: Heatherh managed to turn a completely legitimate gripe about being elbowed in the face into a groundswell of support for the elbower. Gidget's sense of moral superiority served him in good stead when the challenge literally called for the chefs to see things in black and white. He picked up the challenge win, while Erika's odd-tasting ice cream got her the boot. Six chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. Every two or three years, I get an undeniable craving for Fig Newtons, and this year's urge dovetailed nicely into a show about desserts. Also, we got to consume the fruits of our labors from this past Saturday's pumpkin-carving party, as our gracious hosts set out bowls of the roasted seeds. Some with cayenne pepper! Yay!

Monday Morning Quarterback session. The Plastics hang out together. Naturally. Heatherh interviews that the last challenge was her first time in the bottom three after several appearances in the top three, so she's not worried. Merely a bump in the road! Gidget smarms that he's had a target on his back from almost the very beginning of the competition. Yes, I'm sure the other chefs were quaking in their aprons when they heard your bake sale item was the least popular offering of the day. Morgan doesn't like the Plastics, but makes sure not to underestimate them when it comes to talent.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Gail and Johnny. Gail informs them that from here on out, the winners of the Quickfires will not receive immunity. As to the challenge itself, it's lifted from its Top Chef ancestor. Luckily, it's the mise en place relay race, which I always enjoy. Of course, this one has a dessert twist on it, but first, the chefs need to be split into teams. The chefs draw their fake cookies, and in an odd twist of fate, the Plastics all wind up on the same team, which leaves Danielle/Morgan/Eric on the other. The Plastics are obviously thrilled about the situation, while Danielle is ready to take them on as a big, annoying bloc.

Tiffany: "Hey, Danielle. Why the long face?"

On to the race. First, someone will have to mold twelve perfect tart shells. Then, someone will pipe eight silver-dollar-sized buttercream roses. Then, someone will separate out six egg whites, and whip them into peaks stiff enough to hold over the chef's head for ten seconds without falling out. Finally, the entire team will roll out strudel dough to cover the entire length of the prep table, then fold the strudel up into it. To make up for the lack of immunity, the members of the winning team will get $3000 each. Not bad! Gail gives the teams one minute to decide who's doing which task. Once that's dispensed with, Johnny blasts his whistle, and the teams spring into action.

Danielle smokes Gidget on the tart shells. What was that about him being a giant threat, again? He asks for a check soon after, but Johnny tells him one of his shells is uneven, and he has to fix it. By the time he finishes, Eric has filled a pastry bag with buttercream, and is just starting on the roses. Heatherh hurries to catch up, and she is no slouch in the rose-making department. Eric may be being a bit too meticulous, or perhaps she just rocks, because she soon overtakes him. So, the teams are tied going into the egg whites. Morgan is confident that he can easily beat Zac, which he does, though he's overly proud of pulling out a four-second lead. It's a dead heat going into the strudel dough, which is pretty delicate work. It's easy to get holes and tears, so the dough must be gently massaged into shape. Morgan leads his team, but his tack appears to be too aggressive, and holes soon open up. The Plastics move a lot more smoothly and carefully, so it's no surprise that they finish first. At this point, the lead is a lot more significant, and it doesn't take much effort for the Plastics to roll up their apple strudel and win the challenge. They celebrate happily.

Elimination Challenge. As Gail begins the description, there's a shot of the truly wretched remains of the sadly symbolic Danielle/Morgan/Eric strudel dough. Since lifting the Quickfire Challenge wholesale from Top Chef: Original Recipe worked out so well, why not do it for the Elimination Challenge as well? Yes, it's the dessert version of Restaurant Wars. Well, it's never been my favorite challenge, but there's room for improvement in the translation between shows. Let's see how it goes. The two dessert shops will need to be well-stocked; each team member is responsible for making three items. Not only that, but the teams are required to include a bread item. Need some motivation? How about $30,000 to split amongst the winning team members? Danielle interviews that all of the remaining chefs have already won some prize money, save her, so she's looking forward to finally getting in on the action.

Tiffany: "You go get it, Oblong."

The teams head into the next room to check out the space. It's a bit sparse, but there are some nice elements, from the glass display case to the chalkboard menu square. The teams settle in for forty-five minutes of menu and decor planning. Theme comes up first. The Plastics want a candy store for adults, while the Non-Plastics aim for the dessert version of comfort food. As planning progresses, Danielle and Morgan begin to get a bit snippy and impatient with each other, but the Non-Plastics have the great good fortune of having Eric the Moderator as their third team member. He works to smooth over the tension while still making sure that decisions are getting made, and prevents what could easily have devolved into a real mess. I love Eric.

When menu planning ends, the teams head to the store for half an hour of shopping with a thousand-dollar budget. The Plastics load up on fun elements, like ribbons and bubbles. Zac describes his idea of putting flower arrangements in candy instead of water, snarking that the Non-Plastics have no style. So creative, that Zac! When I was a cater-waiter, I sure didn't see flowers stuck into vases of candy at approximately forty bazillion weddings! Or to put it another way, I did. Morgan sneaks into the employee area to ask for riper bananas. He's hoping the Plastics' overconfidence will be their downfall. What overconfidence? It's not like Gidget has said anything along the lines of "I have no idea what the Non-Plastics are making, but am sure that our ideas are better anyway". Until two seconds later.

Back in the Kitchen, the teams have five hours to prep. Heatherh provides the extra information that in addition to the bread item, two of the nine desserts must be served a la minute. She refers to the Non-Plastics as Team Loser. Keep riding on that glorious high horse, sweetness. It's not like pride has ever gone before a fall. Gidget interviews that the fastest way to get through the massive prep list is to set up an assembly line approach. Menus are described. As usual, we'll get to the food later. Heatherh doesn't trust the dough-rolling machine (and doesn't feel like waiting for the Non-Plastics to be done with it), and decides she's going to roll out all of the Plastics' dough by hand. Some minor drama erupts when Morgan cannot find a couple of bags of lemon. Gidget swears that the Plastics don't have any of the Non-Plastics' lemons, but Morgan doesn't buy it. The tension is unbearable!!!! What has become of the lemons?!?! Are the teams about to brawl?!?!? We build to... Nothing. I hope you enjoyed the spat that wasn't, because we're never going to hear another word about it. Towards the end of prep time, Morgan is not as far along as he usually is, and his stress shows in a mini-tantrum of whining and cursing. Time runs out, and Eric and Danielle spend the evening trying to calm Morgan down so he doesn't torpedo the entire team's momentum.

The next day, the teams have two additional hours to get things finished. Eric hopes Morgan is in a better mood, and can get all his prep work done. Gidget worries that his menu ideas are over-ambitious. A bowl of whipped cream falls to the floor when he opens the fridge, spattering his shoes. That must have been annoying, though probably not upsetting enough to act like it's hydrochloric acid. Heatherh takes the bowl and tells him to calm down. She's got worries of her own, because the Plastics' display case is looking a little bare in comparison to the Non-Plastics'. Final preparations are hysterically made on both sides. The plates are arranged out in the display areas, and flowery menus are drawn on the chalkboards. Before you know it, diners are streaming in. One lady is Tina Fey's doppelganger. Zac and Gidget handle the front-of-house. Gidget somewhat hilariously gives Heatherh a royal backhanded compliment by saying that she's a fantastic pastry chef, but probably doesn't belong in a room with, you know, other people. Meanwhile, Danielle, who's always such a spitfire in her interviews, has left her personality back at the lofts. She greets the customers with the enthusiasm most of us would exhibit as we're being audited.

The judges enter, and head for the Plastics' side of the room first. Hubert joins Gail and Johnny this week, as does guest judge Nancy Silverton, who's a local pastry chef. The judges settle into a table. Johnny appreciates the playful decoration of the candy flowers, which are quite pretty. While we're on the topic of decor, though, Hubert wonders why there's an industrial rack full of food, while the display case is almost empty. Yeah, that's weird. Gidget approaches to present the dishes. Zac has made a donut filled with wild blueberry jam, served with a lemon verbena milkshake. He's also taken on the bread item, which is a fennel seed and kalamata brioche with white truffle butter, and wraps up with caramel popcorn with bacon fat. The judges heartily enjoy the donut, but are meh about the shake. The brioche gets a big thumbs up, while the popcorn is wildly inconsistent. Some of the kernels are bare, while others are drenched in bacon.

Gidget's desserts are up next. The first is a dark chocolate ganache tart with peanuts and caramel, followed by a margarita sorbet, and finishing with a fraisier with raspberry, strawberry, and a hibiscus gelee. Tasting. The sorbet has wonderful texture, and tastes mellow and delicious. The fraisier, on the other hand, doesn't measure up to its classy description, and the tart is as hard as a hockey puck. There is so much dough, Hubert almost shatters his plate when he tries to cut into it. Meanwhile, Zac has wandered back to the Kitchen, and is getting in Heatherh's way. She's in a foul mood, and since she can't yell at Morgan, she snaps at Zac to shut up when he tries to interject some suggestions about which plates go out next. Once they figure out the plate situation, he tells her never to tell him to shut up again. "Shut up," Heatherh responds without missing a beat. My left and right brain battle over whether that was uncalled for or awesome. I guess I can't see any reason why it can't be both.

Gidget presents Heatherh's desserts to the judges. First is a lemon cream tart, with a white chocolate cream and fresh raspberries. That's followed by a frozen key lime bar with a graham cracker crust and strawberry sauce. The last one is a chocolate pudding cup with some fresh mango garnish. Tasting. Before the judges dig in, they agree that Gidget has a very positive front-of-house presence. Gail likes Heatherh's presentation, until Hubert points out that the frozen key lime bars have her fingerprints all over them. Nancy finds the lime flavor too timid. Ugh. I wouldn't be Limecrete without a love of lime, and weak key lime pie is the worst. The pudding is nice, but Johnny notes that the crust on the lemon tart is the same thick mess that Gidget's tart had. After the judges leave, a bunch of picky eaters come up to place special requests. They do realize that this isn't an actual shop where they're paying customers, yes? To their credit, the Plastics accommodate everyone to the best of their ability.

The Non-Plastics have customer issues too. One guy is even allergic to nuts and processed sugar, which he notes sourly. He must be a blast at parties. Morgan takes on the challenge of making him a quick sorbet with liquid nitrogen, even though the judges are due any minute. Good for him. The judges soon appear in the Non-Plastics' line, and order one of everything. Danielle continues to have the personality of a carp. What the hell happened to her? Gail notes this once the judges are seated. She does appreciate how well-stocked and well-organized the display case is, though. Danielle presents Eric's dishes first, beginning with a classic chocolate chip cookie. That's followed by a vanilla malted layer cake with chocolate buttercream and malted candy. Finally, there's a banana loaf with brown butter and tangerine icing. Tasting. Everything gets mixed reviews. The layer cake is very rich and heavy, but the buttercream has wonderful texture. The cookie is an extremely simple idea, but fits well into the theme of comforting desserts that everyone loves. The banana loaf is a bit underdone, but the flavors work really well.

Danielle returns with her own desserts. The first one is a pistachio shortcake with lemon cream and strawberries. I like everything that's gone into it, but it's not very visually appealing. The second dessert is coffee cream pie with hazelnut brittle. Yay, hazelnut! That one's also kind of weird-looking. However, the third offering looks fantastic. It's a house-made ginger ale float with raspberry and tangerine lime sorbets. That float is really fighting it out with Zac's blueberry donut for Limecrete's Pick of the Week. Tasting. The float gets mostly positive feedback, as does the shortcake. The cream pie doesn't have enough coffee flavor.

Finally, we have Morgan's plates. The bread item is a pretzel stick served with two kinds of mustard. I'm sorry to keep harping on this, but Danielle is still presenting these with zero personality, and it is driving me up the fucking wall. Anyway. The second plate is a lovely chocolate cake with chocolate mousse and a creme brulee center. It's cut to show the layers as concentric squares, and looks awesome. The last plate is lemon fried pie with salted caramel ice cream. Yes, please! That's the third thing I want to make my pick of the week. Decisions, decisions. I think I'm going to have to go with the blueberry donut, simply because I haven't stopped craving one since the episode aired. Tasting. Morgan's ice cream is delicious, and his citrus element worked a lot better than Heatherh's. The pretzel is a tad too buttery, but Gail would love to pair one with a big ol' mug of beer. The layered cake is beautiful, and Morgan has shown the most range and sophistication of all of the chefs today. Service winds down. The guests fill out comment cards and compliment the chefs on their favorite dishes. The judges head out, and the chefs celebrate a job well done with their servers. Both teams hope they pulled out a win. Based on judge feedback, it could really go either way. Suspense!

Interstitial. Morgan and Danielle have a very sibling-like relationship, with all the pros and cons that go along with it.

Judges' Table. Both teams come out to hear the verdict. Gail tells them that there were highs and lows on both sides. The Non-Plastics had a very welcoming atmosphere, but Danielle didn't do a stellar job as hostess. Johnny proclaims that she was "laxadaisical" and too casual. Really, Johnny? Did she refudiate your notion of good service? Supposably, she should have done a better job. Perhaps we should hold off on the ten-cent words until we can handle the nickels. Now, to the food. Eric's banana loaf was pale and had issues with the leavening ratio. He admits that he couldn't remember the exact recipe. Morgan's cake, on the other hand, could easily be featured on any glossy cookbook page. Danielle knows her coffee cream pie didn't have enough coffee, even before the judges call her on it.

On to the Plastics. Zac's donut had perfect consistency, even reminding Hubert of his childhood back in France. The milkshake that was served alongside it may as well have not existed. Nancy tells him his brioche was perfect, and for once, his excitement seems genuine. Heatherh's key lime bar had fingerprints all over it, and the lime flavor was weak. The ganache in Gidget's tart was sensational, but it was ruined by the thick crust. Heatherh jumps in to take responsibility for making the dough. Gail pointlessly reiterates that admission before moving on to ask why the display case was so bare. Zac says that they were slammed with customers right before the judges showed up. Gail asks whose responsibility it was to keep the case stocked. "We all take ownership. We're a team," Heatherh responds.

Kender: "But of course I was in the Kitchen the whole time, so..."

Zac picks up the unity thread, and says that they'll either all rejoice in the prize money, or they'll all sink as a team. Well, that's sweet. Gail understands the sentiment, but says that only one person from the losing team is going home.

Tiffany (as Zac): "Oh, well then she did it."

The decision was a tough one, but as Nancy explains, if these two shops existed across the street from each other, the one that the judges would return to again and again is... The Non-Plastics. Yaaaaaaay! So, that's $10,000 a piece for Danielle, Morgan, and Eric, and the Plastics will lose a Mean Girl. What better result could there be? The Non-Plastics hug and celebrate. Eric is in tears. The Plastics suck a collective lemon, and Zac swipes at Danielle's cooking ability in interview. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. Zac's milkshake was bland, and his popcorn was uneven. Heatherh's key lime bar was unpleasant, and her lemon tart included the horrible crust that she made. Gidget's fraisier was lackluster. The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. That weird didgeridoo sound effect is back. Johnny tells the Plastics that the decision came down to details, but they fell short on both the atmosphere and the food. Zac and Gidget are both assigned blame for not keeping the display case full, and both of them had individual issues with their desserts. Heatherh's dough is simply unacceptable at this level of the competition. We go over the Gail for the chop. Heatherh. Your dessert just didn't measure up. Please pack your tools and go. In her final interview, the first thing out of her mouth is how she's sure there were some people that should have gone first, but whatever. She makes sure to hug all of her chosen buddies on her way out, as we hear a voiceover of how grateful she is to have worked with said people. She started off as one of my favorites, and I'll bet she's one hell of a pastry chef. If she'd have kept her eyes on her own paper, I'd be cheering for her madly. But no. She had to have her powerful clique, and she had to obsess over her mortal enemy like an obnoxious teenager, and for that reason, I'm not sorry to see her go.

Overall Grade: C+

Black and White and Red All Over

2010-10-24T15:34:00.000-05:00

Top Chef: Just Desserts - Season 1, Episode 6

Previously on Just Desserts: Zac, Gidget, and Heatherh coalesced into an annoying, Mean Girls clique. The chefs made edible fashion, which delighted some and devastated others. Heatherh continued to pitch a one-sided battle against her sworn enemy Morgan. Her cause wasn't helped when he picked up the challenge win and the prize money that came with it, but it sure was nice to see the Plastics suck their collective lemon. Meanwhile, Heatherc made a sad, vegetative garment which got her sent on her merry way. Again. Seven chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. In the weeks leading up to Halloween, I've been auditioning new candy. Thumbs up to Butterfinger Crisp. Thumbs down to the Wonka Exceptionals Scrumdiddlyumptious Bar. The only "exceptional" thing about it was the price.

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Danielle is frustrated and confused by her situation. She tends to like her own dishes, but often winds up in the bottom three, so she doesn't know how to progress. Yeah, that would be sucky. The Plastics amuse themselves at the expense of the others. Heatherh wants Morgan to be eliminated because he doesn't "play fair". Read: Heatherh wants Morgan to be eliminated because she doesn't like him. Note that those two things have little to no relation to one another.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Gail and this week's guest judge, Michael Laiskonis, who will spend the entire episode looking like he desperately needs to go to the bathroom:

The counter is stacked high with ingredients, but not ones you'd normally see in a pastry kitchen. It's all things like chicken, bacon, and vegetables. Gail and Michael tell the chefs that more and more pastry chefs are using savory ingredients to push their desserts further, and for today's challenge, the contestants will be doing the same. They have one hour to create a dessert that strikes a good balance between sweet and savory flavors. In order to make it even more challenging, the only cooking equipment the chefs are allowed to use is a single pot, though they're free to wash it as many times as they wish. Winner gets immunity. Ready? Go!

The chefs make a mad dash for the ingredients, with everyone grabbing at the pile at once. In the melee, Morgan bumps Heatherh in the lips. I must report that even though we see the grabbing, we never see the bumping, so you'll have to take Heatherh's word for it; I have no reason to disbelieve her. Assuming that it did happen, it was clearly unintentional, and fortunately, she's not hurt. So of course, she immediately milks it for all its worth, whining to the other Plastics about how horrible and abusive Morgan is. Honestly, if she hadn't been spending the last few episodes trying to pin everything but the world's financial collapse on Morgan, I'd have a lot more sympathy for her. As it is, I frankly don't give a shit. Funny how that works.

Zac runs daintily back and forth. Gidget, who has swiped the entire supply of bacon, hides it under his station so that only he and the other Plastics can use it. Erika sees this, and interviews that she's tired of the Plastics' bullshit. Sweet, gentle Erika. See, Heatherh? Not to beat a dead horse, but it's a point worth pressing that if you're going to gleefully form a cabal of bullies, you don't get to go crying for support when bad things happen to you. Gidget describes his family background. I don't care enough about him to transcribe any of it. Morgan hopes to make a successful sorbet with liquid nitrogen, even though he's never used it before. Time winds down, and Gail and Michael go down the line.

Zac has made a steamed beet cake, with sweet goat cheese cream, and a lemon thyme gremolata. Eric wants to evoke a sweet and savory breakfast, and has made couscous with milk, and an apricot and fig compote with prosciutto. That doesn't sound either breakfast-like or dessert-like to me. He admits to the judges that he never works with savory ingredients. Danielle has tossed avocado with honey and candied tomatoes, with a basil anglaise and caramelized corn. Morgan's got a sweet potato risotto, with a golden beet sorbet and fried ginger-infused carrots. Shot of Heatherh holding a compress to her lip as if she'd been smashed in the face with a golf club. Bid for sympathy...DENIED. Gidget has made a chocolate cremeux with bacon fat, and some caramelized foie gras garnished with sea salt. It's extremely unattractive, but I have to admit, that flavor combination intrigues me mightily. Heatherh has a sour cream corn custard, with a roasted beet and berry compote, and some mascarpone cream. That sounds like it would be good if you took the beet out.

Results. The bottom three starts off with Danielle, whose dessert wasn't sweet enough, thanks to almost raw corn. Eric's dessert was the least dessert-like, and his prosciutto was an afterthought. Heatherh layered her dessert in such a way as to obliterate the bacon flavor, and her beets were undercooked. Now, to the top three. Morgan took a big risk with liquid nitrogen that paid off. Zac's cake was warm and moist, and had rich beet flavor. Gidget's plate was a bold combination of ingredients that worked in his favor. The winner of the Quickfire and immunity is... Zac. "Finally!" he says, following up with comparisons to bridesmaids and Susan Lucci in a way he thinks is charming. It is not. In a new little wrinkle, Gail offers him some cash in exchange for his immunity. That's a clever idea. They haggle for a bit until he agrees to trade in the immunity for five thousand dollars. I wonder how high Gail would have gone. Zac immediately has buyer's remorse, but can't do anything but steel himself for the upcoming challenge.

Elimination Challenge. Gail explains that the Los Angeles Times is throwing a party to celebrate their 128th year. I guess they'd better party while the getting's good. Tick tock, print media. The chefs will be providing desserts for the party, the theme of which is "Black & White". They'll have to serve two-hundred plates, and the desserts themselves must be solely black and white. This announcement causes more stir than "Make clothes out of food" ever did. Weird. The pastry chefs explain that they're used to working with color, but there's any amount of dark chocolate and white creams that would fit the bill, so I'm not understanding the panic. The chefs have a $500 budget, thirty minutes to shop, four hours of Kitchen prep, and one hour of final prep at the event. Shopping. The chefs trudge around as if the challenge called for desserts made out of human fetuses.

Back in the Kitchen, the chefs get started on their four hours of prep. A lot of the footage is description of the desserts they're making, which we'll get to later. Zac says that he'll be deep-frying whoopie pies to order, which will be exciting for the party-goers. Yeah, I could get into that as a guest. As a side note, what's with the plethora of whoopie pies? Someone seems to make them -- or at least want to make them -- every week. Are they that alluring? Eric realizes he doesn't have enough egg yolk in his batter. He has to add more, so he's slow in getting out of the industrial mixer, which leaves Erika in the lurch. He feels terrible about the situation, but there isn't much to be done about it.

Johnny drops by to Ptimewaste. Erika's blackberries are more purple than black, but she figures the final product will be dark enough to pass muster. Eric hopes to impress the judges with more sophisticated plating than he's used to doing. Heatherh is incorporating cranberries and pomegranate juice, both of which are blood red. Johnny points this out, and Heatherh assumes that the final product will be dark enough to overcome the hit from not following instructions. This truly is a season of ignoring inconvenient challenge parameters and blindly hoping things will magically turn out all right. You'd think the chefs would learn their history. Morgan wants his dessert to have some architecture, specifically the blocks and columns suggested by a newspaper. Erika worries about her blackberries' color, but takes solace in the fact that her ice cream will be amazing, interviewing that she's known for awesome ice cream back home. Time runs out.

After a little clip of the Plastics annoying the hell out of their roommates, it's time to set up at the party. As promised, everything in the room is black and white. The chefs jog in, and start their hour of prep. Heatherh marvels at the decor and decides that now is the time to start worrying about the color of her dessert. Sigh. Zac hurries to get his frying oil hot and his pies ready for immersion. Morgan discovers that the syrup he's poured on his cake has not soaked in, and chunks of it are now falling off. He tries to salvage it by soaking it with some backup syrup he's brought along. Gidget's dessert has a lot of components, and he rushes to assemble everything, accidentally overcooking his compote because his attention is split in twenty different directions. In short, everyone is working down to the wire to finish on time.

Heatherh cannot find a sheet pan of white chocolate Rice Krispie treats. She concludes that Morgan stole or sabotaged them, because... Because... Because he's Morgan, and Morgan is responsible for all the evil in the world, including apartheid. She whines in interview about how talented people can play fair, and still come out on top. Oh, shut the fuck up, lady. The rest of the viewing party tends to see Morgan as kind of a tool, and they wonder why I keep defending him. I pointed out that even if someone isn't the most gracious gentleman on the planet, the fastest way to get me in his corner is for a group of obnoxious bullies to gang up on him. If Heatherh weren't being so douchey about Morgan, chances are I'd dislike him as much as she does. But until she can come up with better reasoning than "I've concluded that he cheats, based on the fact that I don't like him," I'll be over here waving the Morgan banner proudly.

Time runs out, and the guests stream in. The room is a sea of black and white outfits. Erika scoops her ice cream to order, and explains that her blackberries have been soaking in vodka overnight. Ooh, nice. The judges come in. Dannielle is back on the panel this week, along with Gail, Johnny, and Michael. They head for Gidget's table first. He's made a chocolate cake with white chocolate mousse, a berry compote, and an almond milk ice cream. The cake is stacked with layers of other goodies, like dark chocolate squares and tea ganache. Erika has lemon-poppyseed ice cream, with a white chocolate pave (mounted cookies in rich condensed and heavy cream sauce), and blackberry creme brulee. The blackberry layer has come out a lot more purple than black. She explains to the judges that she didn't want to lose the berry flavor in service of the challenge parameters. Well, I'm sure it'll work out okay, just like it did for Zac's souffle, Seth's wedding cake, and Heatherc's penny candy dish. All of those may have sunk their creators to the bottom, but this time, it'll totally score the win. Tasting. Gidget's compote is a bit thick and gummy, but his overall plate is very creative, and he sure packed a lot of flavor into it. Erika's ice cream tastes of soapy glue. Yikes.

Zac has deep-fried whoopie pies, with a passion fruit cream and some Asian pear. He loudly sings its praises to the guests and judges. Morgan snarks in interview about how annoying Zac's attention-seeking Julie Andrews act is. As one of Zac's sisters under the skin, I feel like I should defend him, but truth is, hanging out with drama queens is genuinely exhausting. Not everything in life needs to be a Sex and the City episode. All that said, the judges like the tropical components he's infused into his plate, though the overall flavor is intensely sweet. Morgan's blocks-and-columns idea has worked out nicely, giving his plates a very Art Deco effect. He's made a chocolate date cake, with banana anise cream, and a coffee Kahlua jelly. And there we have Limecrete's Pick of the Week. Really, anything with bananas gets a headstart on winning that honor. Heatherh has a dark chocolate gingerbread torte, with a frozen creme anglaise, and blackberry compote with candied ginger. Ooh, we're getting into gingerbread season, aren't we? Yay!

Tasting. Morgan's plating is lovely, and he did a good job balancing the sweetness with other flavors, though Gail finds his cake dry. I guess that syrup never soaked in properly. Heatherh, even more so than Erika, has ignored the black and white parameters of the challenge. There is red fruit and juice all over the plate. Everyone does enjoy the gingerbread, as well they should. Eric has done a play on Mississippi Mud Cake by topping it with Earl Grey whipped cream and hot fudge sauce. It looks fucking delicious. Gail compliments him on how far his plating skills have progressed, and he enthusiastically thanks her, and interviews about how thrilling he found the praise. Once the judges dig into his dessert, they agree that his pastry skills are really starting to blossom. Danielle has made three little desserts, shaped into the numerals 128. The "1" is a lemongrass ginger truffle with a little coconut in it. DRINK! The "2" is a baked meringue, with white peppercorns and cocoa nibs, and the "8" is a cream-filled chocolate sandwich cookie. Zac interviews that Danielle's dessert is more of a petit four plate than a composed dish. The judges agree. Service winds down.

Interstitial. The Plastics amuse themselves, and nobody else.

Fret 'n sweat. Gidget tries to start some shit by passive-aggressively wondering if anyone else had things go missing, other than Heatherh's Rice Krispie treats. Nobody did, and Gidget calls the situation shocking. Morgan doesn't rise to the bait, but just nods his head in mock sympathy, which is hilarious. Gail enters, and asks to see Heatherh, Erika, and Danielle at Judges' Table. The ladies head out with smiles on their faces. They don't stay happy for long, because the judges have thankfully mixed things up a bit, and called the bottom three out first this week. All three of the chefs have different facial responses, from consternation to horror to fury. Heatherh liked the dessert she put forth, and Dannielle points out that she had the least black and white dessert. I truly wonder when this batch of people will stumble across the fact that if the challenge is to make a great brownie, and they go on to make the best lobster bisque ever known to man, they've still failed the challenge. Michael liked Heatherh's gingerbread, but wonders if she just stuck to her guns because she didn't feel like adapting to the actual challenge. Thank you!

Tim (as the judges): "You've fallen to the bottom because you didn't have any Rice Krispie treats."

Erika admits that her blackberry creme brulee wasn't as dark as she would have liked it, but enjoyed her ice cream. Unfortunately, the ice cream is the main reason she's wound up on the bottom. Johnny tells her he didn't get any lemon flavor out of it, and Dannielle reports that it actually had a soapy flavor. I know Dawn is sponsoring the season, but I hope we haven't reached the point that the chefs are tossing it into their dishes. Erika's flavor issues don't end with the ice cream. Gail says she didn't get any blackberry flavor out of the creme brulee layer of her cake. Danielle is at a loss, because she liked the desserts she made, and felt like she stuck to the theme well. Dannielle tells her that the meringue was kind of flavorless, and Michael says that the three desserts didn't meld well with each other, making it more of a sampler plate than a composed dish. Johnny tells her she should have thought about the best way to offer the individual desserts, and then instructed the guests how best to enjoy it. This after he explicitly told Seth that his role is not to educate the public. Make up your mind. Don't morph into Ptom. The bottom three are dismissed, and Gail asks them to send out all four of the guys. That's new.

Tiffany (coming back into the room): "So they switched it?"
Limecrete: "Yeah, the four guys are all on top."
Tiffany: "Um, these guys are not all tops."

The guys are back in the Kitchen feeling sorry for themselves, and the women reveal nothing when they come back, only telling the others that the judges want to see all of them. Once they're gone, Erika addresses the camera (not in interview, but right there in the Kitchen), and denies that any of her food ever tasted like soap, so Dannielle can eat it. Daaaaamn. Heatherh grouses that she doesn't want the men to dominate the competition. I write a quick note to her that reads "Have you noticed that the more you obsess over other people, the worse your food gets?" and pop it into a time machine to send back to a point when it would have done any good. Out at Judges' Table, the guys are extremely relieved to be the top four. Zac's plate was creative, and embraced the theme well. His ice cream was fantastic. Morgan's plate was delicious and well-constructed. Eric layered his textures well, and presented his best dessert to date. Gidget packed a ton of flavors into his little plate. Michael gets to announce the winner, which is... Gidget. He's happy to win, and promises we'll see him in the final three. Don't you threaten me.

Deliberations. Danielle didn't think about her final product enough, and her desserts were rather flavorless. Danielle is shouting back in the Kitchen that she has no idea how to cook for a palate other than her own, and doesn't know how to make the judges happy. My guess is that she can't, and we'll be saying good-bye soon. Erika included blackberry in multiple components, but it never came through, and her ice cream sucked rocks. Erika tells the other chefs that she's made ice cream for her entire career, and has never had this problem. I wonder if it has something to do with the machine she made it in. We'll never know. Heatherh relied too heavily on her technical skill, and ignored the challenge at hand. Michael senses that she's stubborn, and gets fixated on what she wants to do, discarding any instruction she finds inconvenient. Gail says her gingerbread was good, but not particularly inventive. The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. Danielle is in the bottom three all the time. That's seriously all Johnny can find to say to her. Heatherh has good skill, but sabotaged herself. I half expect a thought bubble to pop out of her head that describes her plan to blame this all on Morgan somehow. Erika's star component tasted bad. Gail winds up to deliver the bad news. Erika. Your dessert just didn't measure up. Please pack your tools and go. She thanks the judges and heads back to the Kitchen. In her final interview, she tells us that she put everything she had into these desserts. Her heart, her soul, passion, love, and soap. Okay, she didn't mention that last one. She's proud of what she's done, and I have to say, based on the sight and descriptions of her plates over the course of the competition, she didn't get a lot of the credit she deserved. She'll miss the other chefs, and has realized that she's a lot stronger than she realized. Aw. It's a shame to see someone so nice and grounded go. It's time to weed out some jerkholes.

Overall Grade: C+

Clothes, But Not Clothes Enough

2010-10-17T11:40:00.003-05:00

Top Chef: Just Desserts - Season 1, Episode 5

Previously on Just Desserts: Melrose Place wished it could be this out-of-control. Seth had another meltdown, which led to an anxiety attack, which led to his ejection. Heatherc threw herself back into the competition with the tenacity and vigor of limp spaghetti. Heatherh was crabby, Yigit was snotty, and Malika was done with this show, quitting at her culinary high point. Eight chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. More Zettie's Confections. Yay! In addition to those, we had cupcakes I had made for LabRat's birthday, and Panny brought along mini-pumpkin pies, adapted from the mini-pecan pies that I love so. Happiness all around!

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Last week, I referred to Yigit as Gretchen Weiners. This week, let's get his opening lines verbatim, shall we? "Clique is such an awful word, but there's definitely groups of people who have gravitated towards one another. [Heatherh], Zac, and I... We've become Team Go Diva. People are a little bit threatened by the three of us being such talented pastry chefs and good friends, but...fuck them." Wow. Even though I thought it was a fairly apt comparison, I never dreamed it would be that prescient. Since Yigit is about a half-centimeter from getting hoop earrings for Hanukkah, why don't we just go ahead and fuse the two of them? Gretchen + Yigit = Gidget. Plus, we have the added bonus of never having to revisit the phrase "Team Go Diva", which is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. "Plastics" it is.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by a weird didgeridoo sound effect. Oh, and by Gail and this week's guest judge, Sherry Yard, who rules Pastryland in Wolfgang Puck's empire. Gail tells the chefs that their skills will be tested to the limit today, as they tackle the most notoriously fragile dessert there is. Yes, it's souffle time! Yay! They're light, they're airy, and they can deflate if you look at them cross-eyed. The chefs are appropriately nervous. Gail gives them an hour to whip up their souffles, and starts the clock.

Zac talks up the Plastics as he springs into action. The chefs interview about their various tips for achieving a successful souffle. Height, egg whites, and timing all figure into this terrifying enterprise. Zac says he doesn't like traditional souffle, so he's going to make a frozen version, dismissing the other chefs' as boring. Well, sure. Ignoring the entire point of the challenge worked out so well for Heatherc's penny candy dish and Seth's wedding cake. Third time's a charm! Tellingly, nobody claims to have this challenge in the bag. Everyone knows enough about souffles to avoid being overconfident. Dishes are filled, popped into the ovens, and watched like kids at a playground. Time runs out. Zac shouts about the Plastics again.

The chefs approach Gail and Sherry one by one to present their souffles. Danielle's is a lemon and lavender souffle, with a ginger/blueberry compote at the bottom, with honey/creme fraiche ice cream. Well, that didn't take long. It may not be terrifically light and high, but those flavors have won Limecrete's Pick of the Week for Danielle. That thing sounds fucking delicious. Zac talks up his frozen souffle to offset any objections to it not being traditional. It's a Grand Marnier/vanilla bean frozen souffle, with sauteed apples in brown butter in one side dish, and toasted oat streusel with fennel pollen on another. Erika is not happy with her souffle, saying it could have used another thirty seconds in the oven. That's the margin of error? I'm never going to make one of these things. Her souffle is lemon-basil, and is served with a white chocolate raspberry sauce.

Heatherh has a chocolate raspberry souffle with Grand Marnier and dusted with powdered sugar, which is served with a rasberry coulis and Godiva cream. Sherry tells her that a perfect souffle is like a unicorn, in that she's never seen one. Wow, that was kind of bitchy. Gidget tells the judges he's made a beautiful chocolate souffle, with a passion fruit and vanilla bean ice cream. He's made some spirals of hardened chocolate to surround the ice cream, which looks very cool. Morgan's made a gianduja souffle, with some burnt sugar ice cream and a raspberry coulis. Yes! More hazelnut! Less coconut!

Results. Aw, I was hoping to see what Heatherc and Eric came up with. Gail asks Sherry for her bottom three, which kicks off with Erika. Her souffle was too sweet and too heavy. Zac's had no airy qualities, and was dense. Gee, you'd almost think ignoring the challenge intentions doesn't work out well for the chefs! I wonder if they'll ever stumble across that clue. The bottom three ends with Heatherh, whose souffle lacked flavor. Danielle gets in a hilarious and extremely understandable dig at the Plastics, who kicked off the episode snarking about how intimidating they are to the other chefs, and now comprise two-thirds of the Quickfire losers. The top three starts with Morgan, whose souffle had great height and great flavor. Gidget's had height, acid, and good balance. Danielle layered her flavors well. The winner of the challenge is... Gidget. "I feel like this is what should have been happening since the beginning, so I'm finally glad that I'm in the rhythm of the competition, and hopefully, this is the first of many to come," he crows. Why do these weirdos sitting around me like this jerkoff? Are they pod people? I never hear mention of immunity, so I guess it's not offered for this Quickfire.

Elimination Challenge. Gail tells the chefs that Los Angeles Fashion Week is just around the corner, so the chefs will be putting on a fashion event of their own: They will be making edible fashion. Zac has a lot of experience making chocolate dresses, and can't wait to get started. A cart with a bunch of women's shoes is rolled in, and the Plastics react as if they're made of solid gold. Morgan is also pleased, but for more...adult reasons. It's refreshing to see someone own their fetish. The chefs pull cookies to determine the order in which they'll select a pair of shoes for inspiration. Zac disses Danielle's sense of fashion for picking some shiny orange shoes, as if she intends on wearing them to a runway show, and not using them as a basis for her dessert. God, he's annoying. Morgan cradles and fondles his chosen pair, completely checking out of the rest of the process. Heatherc gets stuck with last pick, and is forced to choose some frilly peach-colored shoes.

Gail tells the chefs that their edible outfits should match their shoes. That's not the entire challenge, though. The chefs must also create two petit fours as accessories to their outfits, which will be served to sixty diners, along with the judges. They get thirty minutes and $200 to shop, then eight hours to prep in the Kitchen, and two hours to set up at the event. Shopping. Morgan is still turned on, and peruses spices to give his petit fours the same heat as his sexy shoes. Zac grabs some toilet plungers to use as boob molds. Heatherc's shoes suggest a garden party to her, and she stocks up on vegetables. Gidget disdains her taste, declaring it more of an arts and crafts project than elegance.

Back in the Kitchen, the eight hours of prep begins. Zac brags to the other chefs about his edible fashion experience, but allows in interview that time is short. On the other end of the spectrum is my beloved Eric, who admits that he's not fashionable, and not the least bit interested in fashion. He doesn't have any experience with design, let alone executing that design, and senses disaster in the making. He's giving it the old college try, though, and starts cutting out cookie squares. I just want to pull him in for a big hug. Morgan tells us that there's no getting around the fact that his shoes are fuck-me pumps, so he'll be making "sequins" to accentuate their sexiness. He starts cutting out chocolate circles. Danielle, like Heatherc, is using a lot of plant material for her outfit. Gidget wants to evoke Bjork's swan dress. Heatherh tells the very touching story of being adopted from Korea by a single mother, and how inspirational and wonderful her mother has been. Adorable pictures are shown. Aw.

Johnny comes in and asks the chefs to stop working. Everyone knows this means a twist ahead, which sends an already stressed Eric into full-on panic. Fortunately, there isn't more work to be done. Johnny is just there to announce that the winner of the challenge will win $20,000. That's right, the winner of a single challenge will get a full fifth of the amount the winner of the entire competition will receive. I'm glad that this hefty prize money is for what seems like the most difficult challenge so far, but yowsa. It's still a little wonky. The chefs get back to work, doing the best they can to see around the little dollar signs that have just registered in their eyeballs. Heatherh, still stinging from Morgan's win last week, disdains his "easy" technique of attaching sequins. She's taking the more difficult tack of draping sheets of chocolate. She also doesn't appreciate Morgan's treatment of women in general (intercut with shots of Morgan objectifying his dress form and referring to the female chefs as "darlin'"). I guess there was more to her sore winner tantrum than met the eye last week.

Meanwhile, Heatherc is as happy as I've ever seen her as she attaches leeks and lettuce leaves to her dress form. She cheerfully admits that she was a tomboy, and has little to no idea what being fashionable entails. She sews circles of turnip onto the dress hem, hoping that leaving them out overnight won't ruin the effect. Morgan finishes early, and enjoys twisting the knife in the Plastics' side as they scurry to get their dresses done. He talks up how hot his completed dress is, and though this is where I'd normally attempt to take a self-satisfied boob down a peg or two, he's right. Plus, it's nice to see the Plastics sweat. Erika wants her dress to look like it belongs to a lady that gets a little wild when she's done with work for the day. Time winds down. Eric flails.

The next day, the chefs use their two hours to set up their dresses and get their petit fours done. Heatherc's turnips have dried and wilted, and she has to redesign the bottom of her dress. Zac makes fun of her in interview. Eric continues to struggle, and I continue to want to make it all better for him. Shut up, don't judge me! His dress looks awful, and he knows it. Morgan has a lot of spare time, and makes an extra accessory. The chefs take their completed dresses out to the gallery/dining room, where there are spaces with their names marked off. Eric is embarrassed to have his name attached to his monstrosity of a dress. Morgan happily admits in interview that he'll willingly help out anyone who isn't a threat to his win. He demonstrates this skewed altruism by assisting Heatherc wrap her peppercorn belt around her vegetable dress. Time runs out, and diners stream into the gallery. Zac interviews that it was a great crowd of people.

LabRat: "Meaning that it's all gay men."

Zac goes on to disdain the other chefs' petit fours and bloggers who aren't as classy as the "fashionistas" who have showed up to eat free dessert on camera, then leave. I'll be sure to let you know if there's anyone other than the other Plastics that Zac doesn't disdain. The judges come in to stares from the chefs and other diners. Okay, they're the judges. Not the Greek pantheon. Dannielle is back on the panel this week, along with Gail, Johnny, and Sherry. The judges head for Erika's table first. She describes her inspiration as business-woman-by-day, vixen-by-night. Her dress is gorgeous. The bottom hem is made of cocoa- and raspberry-dusted popcorn, giving it a ruffle effect. The skirt is molding chocolate, and the bustier is chocolate feathers. More popcorn leads up to the neckline. Her petit fours are chocolate earrings (made with raspberry jelly and pistachio mousse), and a chocolate purse (made with lemon milk chocolate ganache and apricot jam). A little mint leaf serves as the purse's clasp. Beautiful. The judges love the dress, but find the petit fours too big, putting a sweet spin on the classic not-an-amuse-bouche argument.

Zac's dress evokes a burlesque warrior. It's very Xena, and I mean that as a compliment. He talks it up further by saying that it's not just an art piece, but could actually be wearable. His petit fours are chocolate/passion fruit/lemongrass "pasties", and a coconut/black tea/pineapple makeup bag. DRINK! Good work all around. His petit fours get fairly positive reviews, though Johnny is left with an unpleasantly sandy aftertaste. Maybe it was that red glitter on top of the makeup bag. Eric does his best to sell his dress as "flirty homemaker". I applaud him for trying to adhere to the challenge, despite not knowing the first thing about it, but let's not pretend his work paid off. The skirt is meant to be a sort of gingham pattern with cookies, and the top is sheets of molding chocolate that he's tried to wrap around the form to create a semblance of clothing. His petit fours are a cherry cheesecake pendant and a chocolate cake and flambeed banana clutch purse. That one sounds good. The judges nail the execution of the sad dress, but enjoy the petit fours.

Heatherc has made a leaf lettuce skirt and leek top (complete with lemon thyme ruffle), with a pink peppercorn belt. Even if it weren't required by the challenge, I can't understand why no dessert materials were included. Surely that's what the judges are looking for. The skirt and top look kind of cute, but the belt is lackluster, and doesn't tie the other two pieces together. Her petit fours are a clutch made of chocolate/caramel/sea salt, and a chocolate fleur-de-lys hairpin. The judges like her caramel, but not much else. Johnny points out that the dress doesn't have a single pastry technique on display. Gidget's ice princess warrior dress is a wraparound of chocolate feathers, dyed blue at the top and green at the bottom. I like the twist he's put on it. That's a literal twist, in that the feathers spiral around, and don't point straight down. His petit fours are a raspberry and pinot noir ice cream hairpin, and an olive oil/citrus cake brooch with a raspberry on top. The judges like the meticulous layering of the dress, but find the petit four flavors flat.

Morgan's little black chocolate sequin dress has a red sequin stripe down the side. The extra chocolate purse accessory sits alongside the shoes, and matches perfectly. His first petit four is a spiced raspberry "ruby ring" bonbon, with the band made of chocolate. It looks awesome. His other petit four is a red hot cinnamon macaron earring. The judges love everything about his work, top to bottom. Heatherh's dress looks the most like real fabric. The top has a line of what looks like lemon cookies, and there's a ruffle made from pasta. Brilliant. Her petit fours are a lemon curd macaron purse with strawberry and pineapple, and a brooch of almond cake and raspberry cream, with passion fruit caviar. Dannielle loves the draping of the dress. Johnny points out that Heatherh's macaron pales in comparison to Morgan's. Ouch. I'm glad I wasn't in the room when she saw this episode air.

We wrap up with Danielle, who is telling one of the guests that she's not much of a shoe girl, usually opting for flip-flops. Heh. Her dress' top is roasted beets and chopped celery, and the skirt is made up of roasted leek leaves. A string of carrot coins forms a necklace, and there is a belt of stringed grapes. It's kind of sad looking, and again, has no whisper of dessert in it. None of the other chefs like the look of it, either. The Plastics giggle nastily over it, and even Eric, who usually refrains from shit-talking, says that he put more effort into his garment than the vegetable dresses. Danielle's petit fours are a red velvet whoopie pie purse and a roasted banana ice cream bonbon watch. Johnny wonders why two of the chefs didn't put any dessert components into their dresses, saying that the show isn't called Top Chef: Just Vegetables. True, but I'd totally watch that show. Sherry thinks the petit fours are overly sweet, and could have used some acid. Service winds down. Erika and Danielle dissuade Morgan from hitting on one of the diners. Heatherh tries to buck up Eric's spirits, but he knows from a quick glance around the room that he is not in good shape.

Interstitial. The chefs describe their nicknames for each other. The only bit of interest is a series of Danielle's cartoon faces, which crack me up.

Fret 'n sweat. Erika wonders what's to become of their dresses. Zac jokes that the judges are eating them one by one, with dressing served out of the shoes for Heatherc's and Danielle's. Gail comes back, and asks to see Gidget, Zac, and Morgan at Judges' Table. They naturally turn out to be the top three. Boo! Erika should have been in there somewhere. That popcorn ruffle was so great! I guess she was sunk by her gigantic petit fours. Chances I'll need the previous sentence again in my lifetime? Slim to none. By the way, Morgan is now limping for some reason. Maybe Seth slashed his leg after he stabbed Heatherc. Gidget's dress was beautiful, elegant, and delicate. Morgan's dress was sexy, and his ring was gorgeous. Zac's warrior woman was a great character and his pasties tasted great. The winner of the challenge, and the $20,000 prize is... Morgan. Yay! He may not be the most gallant man on the planet, but he certainly deserved this win. He's thrilled to win two Elimination Challenges in a row, mostly for the cachet it gives him with the other chefs. Really? I'd like the money. Gail asks the winners to send out the bottom three.

Morgan's win is applauded back in the Kitchen. Even Heatherh seems to be pleased for him. He tells the waiting chefs the unsurprising news that the judges want to see Heatherc, Eric, and Danielle. As the losing chefs trudge out, Gidget and Zac kid-but-not-really about how it sucks that the straight Texan just whipped them in a fashion challenge. Morgan blows them off. Out in the dining room, we hardly even need to hear the problems the judges had with the bottom three dresses, so obvious were the flaws. Eric admits that the process was incredibly difficult, and that he couldn't brush off his sense of panic, which led to all sorts of problems. Heatherc wanted to do something different, but didn't use anything sweet. Her dress didn't match the petit fours at all. Danielle liked her dress, and wanted to show color, texture, and shape. The judges wonder if she lacks the technical skill to pull off showing that through chocolate. She used more inedible material than any other chef, and her watch petit four was too big, and not watch-like. Her whoopie pie purse was a hit, though, and Johnny wishes she had applied the technique she put into that across the entire project. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. Danielle disappointed the judges by not applying any of her pastry knowledge to her garment. Her watch was too small, her bonbon was too big, and her dress' skirt looked like it took fifteen minutes. Heatherc's dress looked like a drunken sorority girl made it. Ouch. She came out of her shell enough to take some risks, but the risks didn't pay off. Eric's stress showed in his disastrous dress, but his petit fours had outstanding flavor. The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. None of the bottom three succeeded in the visual creativity the judges were looking for. Eric's garment was a total mess. Heatherc chose the easiest materials, and her accessories didn't accesorize. Danielle didn't show any technique, and didn't take any risks. Johnny gives it over to Gail for the chop. Heatherc. Your dessert just didn't measure up. Please pack your tools and go. Whew. I feel bad for her, but I'm relieved that my boy Eric is with us for another week.

In her final interview, Heatherc is a lot cheerier about her elimination this time around, which is heartening. She shrugs that she liked what she did, and she's proud of herself for stepping outside of her comfort zone. She giggles to the waiting chefs that this time, she's gone for real. Heh. She feels like the competition has made her a stronger person, and really enjoyed the experience, especially meeting other chefs who are dedicated to the same work she is. Well, that's sweet. It's certainly nice to have the opportunity to redo one's elimination in order go out on a higher note.

Overall Grade: B-

Flaming Queens

2010-10-10T10:55:00.021-05:00

Top Chef: Just Desserts - Season 1, Episode 4

Previously on Just Desserts: Malika considered fleeing the insanity of the Top Chef house for the lesser insanity of divorce and children. Peanut butter was molded into a double-edged sword. One side of it gently tapped Eric on both shoulders, dubbing him challenge winner, while the other side speared Heatherc's chances of victory. Oh, and Seth's big wad of crazy showed no signs of abating. Nine chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. In addition to the usual spread, a happy accident resulted in not one, but two gooey butter cakes popping up at the party. No, that's okay. I didn't need a waistline, anyway. Next time you stop by St. Louis, be sure to pick up a butter cake of your own. You know, if you hate your arteries and want them to suffer.

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Once again, Seth tries to casually explain away his psychotic breakdowns. It's "stress". It's "necessary to being an artist". It's bullshit. Boy just fell out of the crazy tree and hit every branch on the way down. Zac interviews that Seth flips out whenever he encounters difficulty, and difficulty is...kind of the entire point of the competition. A glimmer of self-awareness peeks through when Seth interviews that his biggest weakness is psychological, and that his emotions can drag him down. See, there's hope! Over on the rational end of responding to stress, Malika is carefully weighing the pros and cons of leaving the competition. As she's told us before, all she cares about is cooking and her children, and this experience is handily ruining one of those things. Rather than make any rash decisions, she's going to stick it out for the time being and see how things progress.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Gail and guest judge Gale Gand, an executive pastry chef at some restaurant or other. Gails aplenty! There is also a display of Breyers ice cream set up on the counter. Gail is plainly thrilled to introduce this week's challenge, which will be to make an ice cream sundae. Seth pumps his fist in victory, because as he interviews, he can make some awesome ice cream. It doesn't occur to him that there's a clearly product-placed, specific brand of ice cream sitting right there in front of him, so making his own is probably not in the cards. I guess he's hoping Gail's next announcement will be: "Chefs, we all love Breyers ice cream! Now completely ignore it and do your own thing!" As Gail tries to explain that the sundaes should have a creative twist to them, Seth asks if they get to make their own ice cream. Gail tells him that they will not, and off we go! Please enjoy the Psychotic Meltdown Roller Coaster!

We begin with a gentle climb, as Seth responds to... Well, it's not even a "twist", since the Breyers is an obvious component of the challenge. At any rate, Seth sees this as a setback, and we all know how great he is at handling those! He starts by trying to act amused-but-disappointed, like "Oh, well. Too bad, because I would have kicked your asses had the challenge been exclusively tailored to my strengths." Then he starts rocking back and forth on his feet, his head lolling around in all directions. He starts breathing heavily, like he's about to throw up. He starts muttering to himself and punching the air. Next time he tries to pawn off his insanity on stress, keep in mind that this impending implosion is his response to the fact that he'll be using ice cream provided for him. So stressful!

We get a rare behind-the-scenes look at the show, as the chefs go back to the fret 'n sweat room to wait for the crew to fully set up the challenge, and so that the chefs can ask questions and verify rules with the producers. Why this peek behind the curtain? Because the roller coaster car has reached the top of the hill, and it's time to fall. The chefs clutch paper copies of rules or something as a producer asks if everything's clear, and Seth asks the other chefs if any of them heard that supplies the chefs abandon would become part of the provided supplies in the pantry. They agree, but point out that they also know that the rule was changed later. It seems Seth threw out some paper cups, and the production will not be replacing them. Another minor setback. Down we go! He starts carping at the producers that the paper cups are vital to winning this ice cream sundae challenge, and he's not going to sacrifice his chances in this competition because EVERYONE IN THE WORLD IS AGAINST HIM. We're never going to hear why paper cups would help in an ice cream sundae challenge, and I'd love to hear his loony reasoning behind it.

Zac reports that Seth started screaming and asking for his phone, passport (??), and wallet so that he can leave. Why this is being reported second-hand and isn't being shown is beyond me. Seth stalks out the door, and Yigit takes on that condescending, Disappointed Dad voice that drives me fucking bananas when he admonishes the other chefs to put all this behind them, asking everyone who's sick of Seth's shit to raise their hands. It's unanimous, and he's got good points. I'm just sick of his snide tone. A siren wails in the distance. An ambulance arrives, and Seth is shown flat on the ground. He interviews that he had an anxiety attack, and couldn't catch his breath. He fainted, so 911 was called. Once he's up and spry again, he tells us that the producers have not medically cleared him to compete, so he has to go. Yaaaaaaaaaaay! I never thought I'd see the day!

You have to understand, I don't watch shows where the entire point is to be a crazy asshole. No Survivor. No Big Brother. No Housewives of Such-and-Such. The reality shows I watch involve some sort of merit-based challenges. Who can cook the best? Who can race from this city to this city the fastest? Who can design the best cocktail dress? A fight here and there is fine to keep things spicy, but it's essential that a person be, say, a chef who has temper tantrums, not a tantrum thrower who happens to cook now and then. Seth is completely cuckoo, and while I don't fault the production for letting him in (I'm sure they didn't know how deeply his nuttiness ran), once it became clear that he's unable to function in this arena without falling apart, it became imperative for him to go. Frankly, I wasn't entirely sure the production would do that, either by force or by elimination, and I'm pleased as punch to see that they have their limits. Bye, Seth! Turns out those paper cups were intrinsic to your chances in the competition!

Johnny comes in to talk to the other chefs, and tells them what has happened, hoping that everyone else can get back to the competition at hand. "We want to," Yigit sneers, as if Johnny has been chastising him personally. It's tough to be anti-Yigit at this viewing party, because everyone else here loves him. And if he'd stop responding to everything in a passive-aggressive snip, I could come around on him, too. In the meantime, he desperately needs to shut up. Needless to say, the chefs chatter a lot about Seth's ouster, but all I'll report is that they wish him the best. As long as the best is far, far away from them. I'll drink to that. So... There's this Quickfire. The ice cream sundaes, remember? Each chef pulls a scoop with a ribbon attached to determine the flavor they'll be working with:

Morgan - Mint Chocolate Chip
Yigit - Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough
Erika - Chocolate
Zac - Cherry Vanilla
Danielle - Rocky Road
Eric - Natural Vanilla
Heatherh - Vanilla Fudge Twirl
Malika - Cookies & Cream

I'm disappointed not to see my favorite Breyers flavor: Half vanilla bean, half Dutch cocoa. Now there's a sundae I could get behind. And do. The chefs have half an hour to put their creations together, and the winner gets some sweet, sweet immunity. Ready? Go!

Chefs scatter. Eric's not entirely down with the whole wacky sundae idea, and hopes that sticking to good flavor will pull him through. Malika is reminded via Seth's flameout that things could be a whole lot worse, and decides to just have fun with it. Morgan tells us that Sunday is the day he gets to spend with his son, so he's throwing together all of the kid's favorites, from the mint chocolate chip ice cream to Oreos. Yigit hopes to incorporate the flavors he knows from Turkey into a very American kind of ice cream. Time winds down, and the Gails enter. They need to pull Gael Greene in from Top Chef: Masters and just go all out on the Gail party. Rather than the judges going down the line, the chefs bring their sundaes up one by one. Maybe everyone was allowed to keep things chilled while they waited their turn.

Zac has a "Black Forest is burning" sundae with deep-fried, panko-battered cherry vanilla ice cream. Erika has made chocolate banana s'mores, with a frangelico sundae. Morgan actually chokes up a bit when he describes the inspiration for his sundae. He's got an Oreo, mint chocolate chip ice cream sandwich alongside a glass of chocolate milk. It looks good, and makes me wish I were a bigger fan of mint. Eric has topped his vanilla ice cream with sauteed peaches, brandy, and a brown sugar/butter crisp. Yigit has a chocolate chip cookie dough sundae with peanut butter and s'mores. Dude really likes his marshmallow. Danielle has done a layered sundae that's half rocky road, half Neapolitan, with toasted almonds and meringue.

Results. Wait, "results"? At the viewing party, I clearly remember seeing Heatherh present her sundae, because she had that cute little ice cream ribbon tied in her hair. And I remember Danielle interviewing about how she wanted to open an ice cream shop of her own. Where's that footage? I'm recapping this from the iTunes broadcast, and if they're chopping out sections of the show I'm actually paying to rewatch, I'm going to be mad.

The bottom three starts off with Eric, whose sundae may have tasted fine, but was too simple. Danielle's Neapolitan reference didn't come through. Erika's sundae was too standard. In other words, everyone's sundae was delicious, and they had to split hairs to get a bottom three. Now, to the top three. Zac's idea to use panko was extremely creative. Yigit's combination of ganache and sauce was "fun to eat", and Morgan had nice, contrasting textures and temperatures. The winner of the challenge and immunity is... Morgan. He tears up again in interview about how great it is to have someone like his sundae as much as his son hopefully would. Well, that's sweet.

Elimination Challenge. The chefs will be split into three teams of three, which will be difficult with eight chefs. Gail announces that someone will be rejoining them to fill Seth's spot. The chefs all turn towards the door, and Heatherc appears, back in and ready to win! The chefs all clap happily, including the ones who practically socked her in the jaw last week. I wonder how they were able to get her back so quickly. Maybe there was a long lag between Quickfire and Elimination so they could reinstate her. She interviews that she went home too early to show her strengths, and she's happy she's gotten this second chance. She's still got that bandage on her forehead.

LabRat: "That's why Seth had to leave. He stabbed her in the face."

Morgan, Yigit, and Zac get to be team captains, since they were the top three of the Quickfire. The teams shake out to be:

Morgan/Heatherh/Eric
Yigit/Erika/Danielle
Zac/Malika/Heatherc

Once again, it takes little to no effort to decide which team I'm rooting for. More missing footage of how Morgan picked his team because they have varying strengths. I'm amazed I'm able to peer through the wine haze and screaming viewing party members to pull these missing bits out of my ass four days later. Go, me! Gail tells the chefs that they'll be attending a performance by a local troupe of performance artists, who are fine, but basically a third-rate version of Cirque de Soleil. The chefs will be drawing experience from the show to make their desserts, which will be served at a party for the troupe members and guests. Each team must present something flaming. At this point, Gail makes sure to spell out that she means the food must be on fire, lest things get super gay in here. Each team must also put forth a magnificent showpiece dessert. Something that will wow the eye. Everyone on the team is responsible for putting his or her own stamp on an individual dessert. As Gail sends everyone on their way, Eric interviews about how overwhelming the challenge is. Yeah, it's a lot to get done.

That night, the chefs take in the show. Just think of the first thing that pops into your head when I say "fire clowns". Whatever you're thinking? That's the show. Once it's over, the chefs head back to the Kitchen to plan their menus. Heatherh volunteers to do the showpiece for her team. Morgan shrugs in interview about how she's free to do it, though it's risky, because if it doesn't come out perfectly, she can't depend on immune team leader Morgan to take the fall. Meanwhile, Heatherc has not magically acquired the communication skills she lacked when she got eliminated. She's still having trouble figuring out her dessert, which does not make Zac happy. He interviews that she cannot function as an individual, which is part of the reason she got eliminated in the first place. True that.

Once the planning is done, the chefs have four hours to prep. Heatherh gives us the additional info that the showpiece must be at least two feet tall, and there must be three additional desserts, plus a flaming dessert. Team themes and menus are discussed. The themes are dumb, and we'll see the menus later, so let's skip it. Whee, I'm drunk with power! Zac is in charge of his team's showpiece, and asks someone to press his face hard into a bed of brown sugar to make a mold. I'll do it! He fills the mold with chocolate, and when it hardens, pops the face out. Okay, that's neat; he did a good job with that. Heatherc's meringues dry out, and she has to work hard to keep from freaking out. Malika interviews that she wishes Heatherc could pull it together, since they're in the midst of a team challenge. Jeez. Now that Seth's gone, other people's issues are coming to the fore pretty damn fast.

The next morning, Malika calls home. Hearing her kids probably doesn't do her any favors in the keep-my-head-in-the-game department. Speaking of problems in that area, Heatherc mopes on the couch in her sunglasses. Morgan goes over to talk to her, and she tells him that there's no joy in this experience for her. I feel weird defending Malika for having those feelings and rolling my eyes when Heatherc says basically the exact same thing. The key difference being if Heatherc was so unhappy being in the competition, why did she come back? Why not just say "Thanks, but no thanks. I'm going to head home to my loving fiancee," and leave it at that? What's the point of leaping back into the fray if all you're going to do is complain about how much you hate it, and by the way, drag all your teammates down with you? Heatherh feels pretty much the same way, but while I'd just seethe silently, she out-and-out takes Heatherc to task for wasting her second chance so frivolously. She tells Heatherc that she's letting her teammates down, and that she's being a spoiled brat, closing by telling Heatherc's retreating figure that she needs to suck it up. More missing footage. Something about how you can't get all down in the dumps about possibly being eliminated, because everyone's going to be eliminated except one person. Good (missing) point.

Over at the fire clown performance space, the chefs have two hours to set up. Showpieces are built. Yigit's team is still putting theirs together when guests start streaming in. In the final few moments, everyone hysterically plates their desserts. The fire clowns put on a show for the judges and guests. A lady spins around in a leather sling.

LabRat: "Big deal. I've got one of those in my basement."

The chefs do their best to stay focused on plating while people are twirling fire batons and swallowing swords two feet away. Once the show is over, the judges head for the dessert tables. Along with Gail, Gale, and Johnny, Hubert Keller is back on the panel this week. We begin with Morgan/Heatherh/Eric. Heatherh presents the showpiece, which is a giant chocolate sphere atop a pillar, with what looks like some spun sugar ribbons. Morgan has made mango panna cotta, with an acai fluid gel, and passion fruit sorbet. Heatherh has whipped up a triple chocolate chai tea mousse torte. Eric has made a lemon caramel roulade, with pomegranate sauce and candied kumquats. Isn't this the third or fourth dish we've seen with candied kumquats so far this season? Sounds like it needs inclusion into the drinking game. The team's flaming dessert is an almond cream, with spiced cherry flambe cooked in star anise. Tasting. Heatherh's showpiece is well-crafted, and Morgan's dish is visually stunning. The judges guess that Eric's sideways roulade is about as wacky as he's prepared to get, and add that Heatherh's torte is very pleasant. Missing footage of star anise seeds being found and spit out.

Zac/Malika/Heatherc. Zac admits that none of them has experience with showpieces, and it shows. It's just a collection of glittery chocolate shapes, although it's set off nicely by the face mold. His individual dessert is a banana creme fraiche cake with a red curry frosting, and handily takes the Limecrete Pick of the Week. I would love to know what that tastes like. Heatherc has made pineapple spiced with black pepper, and serves it with chocolate sorbet and meringue shards. Malika has infused a panna cotta with saffron, and serves it with feuilletine crunch and candied ginger.

Tiffany: "Feuilletine Crunch sounds like a wrestling move."

Their flaming dessert is a play off of Zac's Black Forest Quickfire entry, and is composed of dark chocolate creme fraiche cake, with flambeed cherries. Tasting. The showpiece nicely evokes the burlesque aesthetic of the event. Heatherc's plate is somewhat tepid, and the flavors don't interplay well. Malika's panna cotta is excellent, and far and away the best thing she's made so far. Zac's cake is creative, and the flavors work surprisingly well together. The flaming dessert works well, too. Missing footage of a Celine Dion lookalike chomping down in the background. You don't forget shit like that. Seriously, how much did they cut out of this episode?

Yigit/Danielle/Erika. Their showpiece is a sculpture made of towering circles with the centers cut out, overlaid with chocolate discs. It's pretty. Danielle has made a chocolate mousse cake, with basil ice cream, and chocolate shards. Yigit has made a creme fraiche and sweet lime Bavarian, with a Tonka bean and sweet lime sorbet. Erika has made an almond ice cream bar, with roasted pineapple on top. The flaming dessert is an almond citrus mirliton that has been flambeed with bourbon. The team idiotically decided to flambe all of their desserts before the judges arrived at the table, so they've got no actual fire to show off. Tasting. The showpiece shows a good translation from their inspiration. Danielle's cake is too dense, and the ice cream could use more basil. Erika's dessert is served at the perfect temperature, and the pineapple gives off good acidity. Yigit's dessert is totally girly, which the judges mean as a compliment. The fact that the flaming dessert was ablaze for everyone but the judges (and us) is disappointing.

As service winds down, Morgan notices that Heatherh has slipped into a moody funk for seemingly no reason. Heatherc is similarly blue. She interviews that she feels like Zac is just waiting to savage her at Judges' Table, and that she's squandering her second chance.

Limecrete: "She is totally going home."
LabRat: "Yeah. You can't have two Heathers."
Limecrete: "You can in the movie Heathers."

Interstitial. Eric is zen. The other chefs find it refreshing, because really, have you seen the other chefs?

Fret 'n sweat. Heatherc tells Zac and Eric that she doesn't know if she can handle another Judges' Table. What, may I ask, did she think coming back to the competition would entail? She strikes me as a perfectly nice woman, but she just doesn't seem to get it. "It" meaning "anything". Gail enters, and summons the Morgan/Heatherh/Eric team to Judges' Table. Once they're gone, Yigit sneers "We put so much more work into our showpiece, I'm sorry. It's bullshit. That's all I have to say." I've got it! I know why he keeps rubbing me the wrong way. The snide tone, the condescension, the rampant sense of entitlement... Yigit is Gretchen Weiners. Happily, he won't be making "fetch" happen tonight, because Morgan, Heatherh, and Eric have won the day. Yay!

Morgan's dessert was the best he's made so far. It was delicious and stunning. Heatherh's textures were spot-on, and her showpiece worked well with the theme of the evening. Eric is becoming more comfortable creating multi-layered desserts, and presented a lovely roulade. Gale gets to announce tonight's individual winner, and it is... Morgan. No longer can I wax intellectual about the rarity of people sweeping both challenges in an episode, because it seems to happen more and more these days. Heatherh sucks a lemon. Morgan is pleased to win, but realizes he'd better enjoy the thrill of victory while it lasts.

Curiously, his win is not applauded back in the Kitchen. There isn't really time to dwell on it, though, because Heatherh immediately snipes "You're WELCOME, Morgan," passive-aggressively, even though he hasn't even had time to really say anything. Then she shit-talks him with Yigit, saying that Morgan had time to concentrate on his plate, but Heatherh didn't get enough credit for single-handedly tackling the showpiece plus doing a plated dessert of her own. And perhaps that's true, but I have limited sympathy for people who whine at Winners' Table. You're one step closer to the grand prize. Morgan didn't get anything for winning the challenge. Practically, you've done as well as you can do, save a temporary sense of fleeting glory. Plus, it's not like Morgan took undeserved credit for anything. If she's going to bitch about somebody, it should be the judges. I could understand if she went into interview and said "I think I deserved the win, based on how much work I put into the set of desserts that ultimately put us on top," but to sit in the Kitchen and bitch at Morgan just comes off as sour grapes. I like Heatherh, but gracious, she is not.

Gail comes back to the Kitchen, and says that because there were hits and misses on both other teams, the judges would like to speak to everyone else. Oh, so they'd like to ignore team structure so that they can eliminate anyone they'd like. Thanks a lot, past precedent. The judges want to start with Yigit/Danielle/Erika. Why they even needed to speak with this team separately is a mystery, because all they want to mention is the fact that the flaming dessert wasn't lit in front of the judges. That's literally it. Riveting! The team goes back to the Kitchen so that Zac/Malika/Heatherc can come out for their drubbing. Zac's banana bread gets almost unanimously positive feedback. Gael says that it looked a little punched out, but it's a minor quibble. Malika gets similar praise. Everyone loved her panna cotta. But!

Before the judges can move on to what seems like Heatherc's certain doom, Malika intercedes, and asks the judges to eliminate her. This season is so fucking crazy. This contestant's too crazy to compete! This one got eliminated, came back, and can barely function anymore! This one wants to quit! The desserts are almost tangential at this point. Gail asks Malika if she sure that's what she wants, given that everyone loved her plate. Malika is certain that she wants to leave, rather than watching anyone whose heart is set on winning cut in her place. Gail sighs, and tells her that in that case, she can go back to the Kitchen and pack up her tools.

In her final interview, Malika says that she loves cooking, but has learned along the way that when she's in a competitive environment, she downright hates it. I can understand. I love cooking, too. It's fun, soothing, and is useful in terms of health and saving money. But if someone came along and told me to cook on a strict time limit with crazy competitors screaming in my face and demoralizing judging sessions, I'd high-tail it out of there, too. Back in the Kitchen, she tells the other chefs that she didn't think it was fair for her to continue without really wanting it. Good on her. I know I should be all "What did she think this was going to be like?" but we clearly have our answer, which is "Something else". I've got nothing but respect for her.

Overall Grade: B

Tastes Like Teen Spirit

2010-10-03T11:03:00.003-05:00

Top Chef: Just Desserts - Season 1, Episode 3

Previously on Just Desserts: Seth flew over the cuckoo's nest. His crazy bloviating overshadowed Erika, who quietly accepted her win, and Tim, who quietly accepted his defeat. Ten chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. Once again, I didn't have enough time to lovingly craft a dessert in my kitchen. Once again, I substituted an unimpressive, yet welcome store-bought treat, in this case Double-Stuf Oreos. Once again, my contribution was blown away by something else at the viewing party. If you haven't had Zettie's Confections, order some now. They pretty much turn a bad day into a good one instantly. I'm going to have to really step up my game if that Almond Butter Toffee Crunch keeps showing up at the party.

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Seth demonstrates yet more insanity, by asserting all of the following things within a single sentence:

1) Nobody here understands me.
2) I had a big series of meltdowns.
3) I'm not sure how to convince the other chefs that I'm not a huge, nutty asshole.
4) I don't care if I alienate everyone around me.
5) I'm going to cook in my own style, and thus totally dominate the rest of the competition. [This after cooking in his own style and falling to the bottom of two consecutive challenges].

So... Everyone else knows what you're about, but they don't understand you, but it doesn't matter because you don't care if they like you, but you wonder what it'll take to make them trust you again. How about a frontal lobotomy to start? Meanwhile, Eric is pleased to have done well in the last Elimination Challenge, especially given his mini inferiority complex as a baker in a room full of lah-dee-dah pastry chefs. He knows to enjoy the feeling of being lauded while it lasts, because you never know what's around the bend in this competition.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Gail and this week's guest judge, Sylvia Weinstock, who's a big wheel in the wedding cake industry. I've seen her pop up on television before, and heartily enjoy her, although I can't disagree with Tiffany that her giant glasses make her look like Mr. Magoo's wife. Unsurprisingly, today's Quickfire will be to make a wedding cake. Of course, most wedding cakes take days -- if not weeks -- to put together, so the chefs will need a leg up if this season is to end before I can collect Social Security. So, even though the chefs only have an hour and a half, they're helped by the fact that the base sheet cakes are already done for them. No baking necessary. So basically, this is a filling/frosting/decorating challenge. Winner gets immunity. Ready? Go!

Everyone stocks up on cake. Malika doesn't have experience with wedding cakes, and is just making up her approach as she goes along. Heatherc just got engaged, and feels like she has an advantage, because she's been so surrounded by wedding cakes lately. She explains that the two traditional routes to take as far as covering them are fondant and buttercream. Our viewing party agrees that fondant can be molded into very beautiful forms, but isn't much to write home about, taste-wise. Heatherc promises that soaking the cake layers in syrup before adding fondant helps add flavor. Danielle is the Shark to Heatherc's Jet, saying that as far as taste goes, buttercream blows fondant out of the water. Seth, like Malika, doesn't have any experience with wedding cakes. Unlike Malika, he's not even going to attempt anything. He says he's just going to make a little plated dessert and call it an "engagement cake". I'm sure that'll end well for him, just like ignoring the penny candy in the penny candy Quickfire worked out so well for Heatherc. Danielle hears him explaining his approach to the crew, and a look of pure disgust takes over her face. She hilariously interviews that Seth's "style" doesn't include cupcakes or chocolate or wedding cakes, so she's not really sure what he's ever done. Ha!

Erika soothingly talks to her stand mixer, while Morgan enthusiastically encourages his. Heh. I love the idea that mixers are like recalcitrant pets or children that must be nagged or bribed into cooperating. Heatherh tells us that she made her own wedding cake, and is fairly confident, though the time limit is giving her some worry. Zac duhs for the slower members of the audience that wedding cakes have to be structurally sound as you build them higher and higher. Eric is horrified to realize that the cakes he selected were the biggest ones, and he isn't sure he's made enough icing to cover them. Malika's frosting is melting by the second, and there's not enough time to firm it up. Decorations start going on, but with the mad panic to get done in time, a lot of them are subpar. Malika's second layer is off-center, and when she decides to pull it off, it drags a chunk of the bottom layer with it. Oof. She hurries to refrost it, and as she does, Morgan carps at her for shaking the table, calling her "Shaky". She's in no mood for his sack of bullshit, and curtly tells him that if he'd like to talk to her, he's welcome to call her "Malika". Morgan backs off. Eric is unhappy with the way something is going, and lets out a stream of cursing that necessitates a full, three-second bleep. Time runs out.

Gail and Sylvia go down the line. As she waits, an unhappy Malika begins to leak some tears. Seth attempts to comfort her, but as with last week, Malika wants nothing to do with him, and hurriedly tells him she's fine so he'll go away. "I cannot control the tears," she interviews. Or perhaps: "I cannot control the tiers," she interviews. The judges start with Heatherc, who's done a white cake with vanilla simple syrup and a Nutella buttercream. Wait, I thought she was going to use fondant instead of buttercream? Maybe it's just her snowflake decorations that are made of fondant. Eric's traditional cake has pistachio buttercream and an apricot brandy filling. Zac's cake has toasted meringue on the outside, and includes fruit of the forest jam with chocolate ganache. It's really ugly. Malika's mood does not improve, because as she waits, her cake starts disintegrating. A big chunk of it has fallen onto the table. Erika's made a very pretty mocha cake with a Kahlua buttercream. Danielle's cake is spearmint green. It's got a cream cheese and lemon filling with strawberries and pistachios.

Seth tells Gail and Sylvia that he doesn't know how to make tiered cakes, so he's trying to pass off a little "engagement" cakelette. I don't know which is weirder: The fact that inexperience with tiered cakes shouldn't make a huge difference when the tiers are provided for you, or that Seth's Quickfire offering is clearly not what anyone has in mind when it comes to wedding cakes, yet he's almost proud of what he's made, rather than dissolving into a puddle of crazy tears. Wouldn't a meltdown here make more sense than one where his mommy's red hots didn't make it onto the plate? I suppose I should mention his cakelette's ingredients. It's a caramel chocolate mousse with Marsala apricot jam, and absinthe honey. As he crows about it being his favorite dish of the competition so far, the other chefs cringe at each other in embarrassment for him. Sylvia tells him he should have at least made an effort. Yigit has made a passion fruit, vanilla, and lime soaked cake, with vanilla orange Diplomat cream [basic pastry cream -- as found in cream puffs, etc.] and raspberries. Heatherh's cake is gorgeous. It's got lemon and orange zest incorporated into the buttercream, and is served with either raspberry or strawberry sauce.

Morgan has an Italian cream cake, with coconut rum syrup, cream cheese icing, and toasted pecans. Another delightful sounding cake ruined by coconut! I feel like there's a drinking game in there somewhere. Malika tries to rotate her cake so the damaged part isn't so obvious. When Gail and Sylvia approach, she begins crying anew. Heatherh, still raw from Seth's feelings exploding all over the wall last week, can't understand why these other chefs are so frigging emotional. Malika manages to explain through her tears that her cake has a coconut custard inside, infused with cardamom, vanilla, raspberry jam...

Tiffany: "And now my snot."

Sylvia and Gail try to be encouraging as they take a taste, saying that it's a learning opportunity for Malika. That seems to pep her up a bit. Results. Two of the bottom three are no surprise. Seth made no effort to adapt his style to fit the challenge, and Malika's cake practically committed suicide. It didn't, though, because as Sylvia reminds her, it's just a cake, not death. Eric rounds out the bottom three for his uneven layers and sloppy icing. He's horribly embarrassed. Now, to the top three. Erika's cake was delicious, and had nice decorative work. Morgan's cake was clean and lovely, and had a great filling. Heatherh's cake was delicate and elegant. The winner of the Quickfire and its precious immunity is... Erika. She's just as quietly pleased about it as her Elimination win. Heatherh comes off as a sore loser, interviewing that Erika's cake wasn't as aesthetically pleasing as it should be.

Elimination Challenge. The chefs will be split into two teams, and instead of the traditional knife block, they draw fake cookies from a cookie jar. Gee, I can't imagine why they feel they're not taken as seriously as savory chefs. The two teams are designated as "Glee" and "Pep" and shake out as follows:

Glee: Zac, Seth, Yigit, Danielle, and Heatherc
Pep: Morgan, Malika, Eric, Erika, and Heatherh

So, everyone I've ever chided for being an attention whore, kind of dumb, or a giant pile of crazy is on one team, while everyone I've ever expressed admiration, attraction, or sympathy for is on the other. Which team shall I root for, I wonder? Yeah, I think I'll be pulling for Pep. The team designations make more sense when the glee club and pep squad from a local high school come bounding in. I was about to winkingly critique the respective song and cheer they introduce themselves with, but then remembered my orchestral and acting performances from high school, and decided to give everyone a cheery pass. Hooray for everyone! The glee club is hoping to raise money for a trip to New York, while the pep squad would love to go to cheerleading camp. In order to rack up the funds necessary, the chefs will be squaring off in a good old fashioned bake sale. Ooh, good idea! Heatherh agrees, as a hilarious and adorable picture of her playing the harp as a kid is shown.

The chefs will have three hours to prep in the Kitchen, and thirty minutes to prep on-site at the high school. The school will be giving out 490 tickets, each worth a dollar, and the school community will vote for their favorite treat with their ticket. Got it? Every chef has to make something, and the winning team will score five-thousand dollars. Nice! Heatherh calls the prize money "icing on the cake". Boo! Bad pun! That'll be in the drinking game, too. The teams split up to plan their menus, trying to strike a balance between desserts that will appeal to high school kids, yet be refined enough for the judges. Zac assigns himself and his teammates to various high school cliques. It's not interesting enough to go into detail.

Yigit warns his teammates that the dishes must be kid-friendly, which gives Seth a fabulous idea. Why not make financiers? You know, those cakes meant for the French banking district? That'll wow those kids! I love how in Seth's world, "staying true to my style" gets translated as "completely ignore everything that's being asked of me if it doesn't fall directly into my extremely narrow comfort zone." Heatherc wants to make whoopie pies, but Danielle tells her that since Yigit is incorporating marshmallow, that would be marshmallow overload. Danielle advises her to make some sort of cookie instead. Heatherc attempts to work herself up to a point where she could insist on making something she feels comfortable with, but pusses out. She wants to be a team player, and agrees to make peanut butter cookies. Zac cautions her to do something interesting with them, like dipping them in chocolate.

Prep work begins. On the Pep side of the Kitchen, Erika's making a chocolate chip walnut cookie that she's been selling since she was a kid to hustle spare change from her classmates. Heh. Eric plans on a peanut butter Rice Krispie treat, because any bake sale that doesn't include some kind of Rice Krispie treat should be hurled into the sun. The rest of the menu is outlined, but we'll get to that when the desserts are actually presented. When Eric goes to get peanut butter, he discovers that Heatherc has taken the entire Kitchen's supply. As he and Erika discuss other options, Heatherc grins to the camera that she's trying to protect herself and her team. Zac eggs her on by reminding her that it's a competition, so I guess anything goes. Morgan hears this, and plots a quick revenge. He goes back to the refrigerator and takes every stick of butter, telling the other team that they're welcome to trade for some peanut butter at any time.

Eric, while not giving a hearty endorsement of this tactic, appreciates his teammate sticking up for him. Zac gets pissy because Morgan took a staple, rather than a specialty ingredient. Oh, but Zac. It's a competition, remember? Heatherc, who three seconds ago told us that she was protecting herself and her teammates, swears up and down that she wasn't trying to keep others from having access to her ingredient, and gives up her extra peanut butter to Eric. Thus the butter embargo works, and though I feel like I should disapprove of what Morgan just did, I frankly found it quite awesome. Though Eric now has access to the precious peanut butter, there's not enough to complete his recipe, so Heatherh suggests making a mixture of peanut butter and Nutella. Seth's teammates work overtime at keeping him calm and focused, actively trying to prevent him from... I don't know, stripping off his clothes and running around Kitchen yelling "I am Mary, Queen of Scots!" while flinging poo at his competitors. He's a little calmer than usual, but focused he is not, accidentally adding coffee to his batter instead of vanilla. So now it's a French coffee financier, which I heard is all the rage in high schools across the nation.

Johnny drops by to Ptimewaste. It's pointless, as usual. Nice to see that in this topsy-turvy world, there is some constancy. Time begins to run down. Seth robotically yells "Hot! Hot! Hot!" as he strides through the Kitchen with a scorching pan. He is exhausting. Heatherc's peanut butter cookies are just that. She has done absolutely nothing to take them in some sort of risky or interesting direction. Time runs out. Yigit posits that his team's desserts have more elegance, even if the other team made more bake sale appropriate items. Well, then it's a good thing the challenge winner isn't being determined by customers at a bake sale. Except for the part where it totally is.

Back at the lofts, Malika has time to stew over how she feels about cooking in this environment. Her restaurant just closed, and she's still in the process of a divorce, so this stressful, degrading experience is really tearing her down. She considers leaving the show. Normally, I'd be fairly unsympathetic to someone who thinks a televised reality contest will be all hearts and flowers, but I get what she's saying. She thought she'd distract herself, challenge herself, get her name out there, and maybe hone her pastry skills, and instead has found herself in a place where she's unhappy with everything she makes, and is forced to interact with a screaming kook. I don't really blame her for having doubts. Meanwhile, Morgan and Seth are re-forming their manly, heterosexual bond. Seth is ready to blow the doors off this motherfuckin' pastry competition, yo!

The next day, the chefs hurry into the gym at the high school for their half hour of setup. After some frantic cutting and plating, the sale begins. Everyone gets to taste the desserts before voting with their tickets, which I'm happy to hear. We wouldn't want the winner to be the dish that appeared to be the best, and turned out to suck. Malika thrives when she's surrounded by excited children, and it's nice to see her mood improve. I don't know why I feel so protective of her, but there it is. The glee club and pep squad enter. Morgan tells the cheerleaders that they win if the Pep team wins, so they should get out there and help sell. Heh. Way to turn the Cheerleader Allure to your advantage. Seth plates at the back of his team, not wanting to interact with the kids, because he says he'll curse too much. While limiting his access to American youth is an excellent idea, I don't think asking him to pull himself together for two hours is overreaching, so let's go ahead and toss Talking To Potential Customers on the ever-growing hill of things Seth refuses to attempt.

Treats are dispersed. Tickets are collected. The judges come in to sample everything. In addition to Gail, Johnny, and Sylvia, Dannielle is back on the panel this week. Johnny is wearing a print shirt that he can't quite get away with. The Pep team is up first. Erika's made the aforementioned chunky chocolate chip walnut cookie, and tells the judges that this is the perfect opportunity to share an old family recipe with the community. Eric's peanut butter Rice Krispie treats have the Nutella mixed in, as promised, with a chocolate glaze on top. Morgan's black-and-white cupcakes have vanilla bean icing on cake, with milk chocolate cocoa nibs on top. Malika has fudge brownies with toffee. Anything with toffee can pretty much coast to Limecrete's Pick of the Week with little effort. Heather's made a sandwich cookie, with powdered sugar-dusted butter cookies on the outside, and chocolate and dulce de leche cream on the inside. A raspberry perches atop each one. Tasting. Erika's cookie is well-baked.

LabRat: "Not unlike the judges."

Eric's Rice Krispie treats have great texture. Malika's brownies also get positive reviews on that front. A kid with frosting smeared all over his face compliments Morgan's cupcakes. Off to the Glee team. Zac has strawberry shortcake, with rainbow sprinkles on top. I can't hear the phrase "strawberry shortcake" without thinking of that outrageous hat. Zac could have sold the shit out of his desserts if he had one of those. Heatherc has made a peanut butter cookie. There's literally nothing more to say about it. Yigit has made chocolate caramel pudding, with the "tiniest hint of ginger", some hazelnut crumbles, and bits of marshmallow. And bits is right. There's only a few little fluffs of it in each serving, and certainly not any amount that should have discouraged Heatherc from going with her whoopie pie idea, lest the gym be swallowed in a giant vat of marshmallow. Danielle has coconut cupcakes with salted caramel buttercream. DRINK! Seth's mocha financier with orange creamcicle sauce will surely be the talk of the prom. Oddly, the pink goo that Seth's been shown multiple times scooping out into shot glasses is never mentioned. It doesn't show up in the descriptions of anyone's dessert, and it's never judged. Weird.

Tasting. The school community seems to like Zac's shortcake, but the judges find it dense. Yigit's pudding leans heavy on the ginger. Seth's dessert has no place in a bake sale. Danielle's icing is good, but her cake is dry. Heatherc's cookie is fine, but extremely simple. The judges head off to tally the tickets. Results. It's a close race, with only ten dollars separating the winners from the losers. The Glee team has raised $240. A bunch of time meant to build suspense passes before the Pep team's number is announced. Of course, if they wanted to build suspense, they probably should have refrained from telling us at the beginning of the challenge that $490 worth of tickets were handed out. Indeed, the Pep team makes up the difference with $250, winning the challenge and sending the pep squad to cheerleading camp. Yaaaaay!

Phooey: "Figures. The popular kids get it again."

Top Chef is only heartless to its own competitors, so Gail announces that both teams are getting a zero added to their totals so that both school groups can go on their trips, free of charge. Nice! Not only that, but the show is donating five-thousand dollars to the school itself. That's super-sweet, although I wonder what happened to the five-thousand dollars that was promised to the winning team, as you'll note it's never mentioned again. This episode will not win any awards for editing, I fear.

Interstitial. Morgan charms the high school girls. Fortunately, it's a lot less skeevy than it sounds.

Fret 'n sweat. In Seth's case, it's more of a Freak 'n Shriek. The losing team waits in the back as the glorious winning team walks out to Judges' Table to collect their accolades. Yaaaay! Eric tells the judges that the five of them worked really well as a team. Gail tells them that the individual winner came down to three desserts. Eric's Rice Krispie treat was mature, well-layered, had a great glaze, and elevated a bake sale classic. Malika's brownies are complimented, and she gives credit for the base recipe to Eric, saying that she put her own twist on it to come up with the final product. Erika's giant cookie was the ultimate. Sylvia chirps about wanting the recipe. Gail allows Sylvia to announce the challenge winner, who turns out to be... Eric. Yaaaay! His teammates swarm him for a hug. After the celebration, Gail asks the victors to send out the losing team. Eric's win is applauded in the Kitchen before the Pep team sends the Glee team out to face the music. Get it?!?!?! Sorry, that was terrible. Although it does give you another opportunity to DRINK!

Once the losing team is lined up, Gail asks how working as a team went. Danielle answers that it went...er...better than expected. Ha! Subtle. Nobody misses that her tone drips with the notion that they somehow managed to get dessert plated without Seth imploding. She doesn't hint for long, though. She leaps right in and says that Seth didn't pull his weight, as far as interacting with the kids. Zac defends Seth by saying he did pull his weight, because Seth plated everyone's desserts. Danielle is a little lonely out on her limb, and Seth looks for validation by asking Yigit how he (Seth) did as a teammate. Yigit doesn't quite give him the answer he wants, saying that Seth was fine at the sale, but not exactly a paragon of virtue during the planning and prep.

Heatherc agrees that the team was disorganized in the planning session, bringing up the fact that she originally wanted to do something different. Yigit jumps down her throat, saying she wasn't forced into doing anything. That's true, and she should have stuck to her guns on her original idea, but she brought this whole thing up as an example of the team's massive failure to plan the menu effectively, and on that point, she's right. Heatherc's not assertive enough to say this, and just stammers. Seth spills a real gem out of his barrel of crazy, seething that someone's got to go home, so why can't they stand at Judges' Table and act honorably? Why, oh why, can't they be the pinnacle of maturity and grace, like he's trying to be? Hahahahaha! That was hilarious. Everyone continues to pile on Heatherc. I don't think she'd be able to order a pizza without inciting a mob riot. The entire team is seriously about a half-second away from a throttling each other, and the judges have asked one question. Dannielle reminds them that they haven't even mentioned the food yet. Snerk.

Finally, they get into the desserts, though that seems strange on a show entitled Top Chef: Just Paranoid Schizophrenics. Seth felt his financier would open up a wonderful new world to the students. Johnny nails him on this, telling him that he's got to get it out of his mind that his role is to educate the public. He needs to focus on making delicious food that makes people happy. Snap! He allows that the cake turned out perfectly, and Seth gives himself a little "Yes!" victory clap before Johnny reminds him that as a bake sale dessert, it was inappropriate. All Seth can hear is the waves of adulation coming from the voices inside his head. Heatherc's cookie was boring and uninspired. Yeah. She should have insisted on making the whoopie pie, but if she felt she had to make the cookie to get along with her team, she could have at least done something to it. Danielle enjoyed her own cupcake, but the judges found the cake dry. Zac's shortcake was fairly good, but sloppy and dense. Yigit admits his ginger had quite a kick, which is interesting, since he described it earlier as "the tiniest hint of ginger". Johnny tells him his pudding was the least popular dessert of the team. Yigit is not happy to hear that. The chefs are dismissed, and I take heart in the fact that there's no way I can be disappointed by tonight's elimination. Hell, chop all five of them.

Deliberations/Screaming. Deliberations first. Dannielle hilariously opens by opining that the losing team was kind of a dysfunctional group. Yep. And the Atlantic Ocean is the tiniest bit moist. Yigit's dessert had way too much ginger, and the crowd found it totally unappealing. Zac's biscuit texture was off. Dannielle continues the laughs by saying that the judges could almost taste the resentment in Heatherc's cookie. Ha! Well done. I may be coming around on Dannielle. Johnny says that Seth never plays it safe and stretches his limits. Um, I think there's a difference between risk-taking and challenge-ignoring, but whatever. Just as I think that, Gail essentially says the same thing. Johnny takes Danielle to task for "staying true to herself" to the detriment of the dessert, even though he just praised Seth for the exact same thing. The judges reach a decision.

During all of this talk, the losing team seethes in the back. Heatherc tries to explain herself. It does not go well. I want to feel bad for her, but her inability to get the simplest ideas across drives me up the wall. On the other hand, Yigit takes a condescending, disappointed-dad tone with her that makes me want to smack him. Seth again bemoans the fact that they couldn't fall on the sword together as a team, which makes Danielle snap. She tells Seth he's a piece of shit. That he didn't stay in the back in a noble attempt to help his teammates, but to avoid any responsibility for interacting with the kids. What she wants to say, and is too angry to ever spit out, is that he has a hell of a nerve whining about poor behavior at Judges' Table, when he spent last week screaming in people's faces and telling them to suck it. All Seth can really respond with is that the judges liked his food more than hers. Which is true and which has nothing to do with anything she just said. Feel free to keep on staying in your comfort zone, Seth. You've only been in the bottom of four challenges in a row. Things couldn't be better! Heatherh shakes her head, like, "How have I found myself in a room full of infants?"

Elimination. All five of these people suck for a different reason. They're a rainbow of suck. Unfortunately, we can only cleave one of them, so let's go over to Gail for the chop. Heatherc. Your dessert just didn't measure up. Please pack your tools and go. In her final interview, she employs her complete inability to communicate once more by saying that it's not fair that she be eliminated because it was a bake sale and a team challenge, and she "exhibited both of those". Yeah, and you sucked at them. Whatevs, lady. When you get married, see if you can manage the "I do" without falling down a well.

Overall Grade: B+

Sweet and Sour Mix

2010-09-26T11:11:00.003-05:00

Top Chef: Just Desserts - Season 1, Episode 2

Previously on Just Desserts: Twelve pastry chefs arrived in a busy American city that's too full of secrets and intrigue to identify. A cupcake Quickfire threw Malika for a loop, while the Elimination Challenge featured more chocolate than a Showtime at the Apollo marathon. Grating personalities wasted no time in shredding nerves back at the loft. Heatherh took the first challenge, while Tania's gritty mousse made her Candyland's first murder victim. Eleven chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. In a gimmick I'm not sure I'll have the time or money to pull off, I'm hoping that our viewing party will be able to snack on a different dessert each week. The gummi bears I brought this week weren't half as impressive as the homemade chocolate chip cookies last week, but Panny saved the day with her mini pecan pies in phyllo dough that I'd step over my own mother to get at.

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Morgan explains that he and Seth formed an instant bond, owing mostly to the fact that they both like chicks. Well, I certainly can't think of anything more substantial to base a friendship on. That's why guys generally fill out their side of the wedding party with dudes they bumped into at Hooters. Down in the kitchen, Tim takes on a mother hen role, getting the cranky awakening chefs settled with coffee. Seth calls his mother, who apparently lives in a sitcom, as her number starts with 555. She's had a rough time of it lately, owing to medical problems, but tells Seth she's getting better all the time. Of course she is! Sitcom characters can't be gravely ill. Seth begins to tear up in interview, already wandering up to the line between admirably devoted to her well-being and creepy overinvestment. Normally, I wouldn't be so blase about how he responds to his mother's condition, but... I've seen the rest of the episode.

Quickfire Challenge. The Kitchen is filled with a delightful array of penny candy, which brings back fond memories. I think my generation is pretty much the last set of kids to really buy candy-by-the-piece. No such thing as a butterscotch here and a piece of taffy there anymore. Not to mention packs of candy cigarettes, which I can't believe even existed, but which I loved. Oops, sorry. Candy is one of those things that easily makes me lose focus. Back to the show. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Gail and this week's guest judge, Elizabeth Faulkner. She usually seems to know what she's talking about, but I'm not her biggest fan. That's because Elizabeth Faulkner's biggest fan is Elizabeth Faulkner. Still, I get less annoyed with her each time she shows up, so how's that for progress? Heatherc still has that giant, distracting bandage on her forehead.

Today's Quickfire is deceptively simple: Make a dessert featuring penny candy. This can be challenging, because the chefs have to create a dish that surrounds something that already has a strong, distinct flavor. They can use as many or as few candies as they want, and have got an hour to put their desserts together. Winner gets immunity. Ready? Go! Heatherh snaps up a piece of candy to try, and quickly discovers she doesn't like it, spitting it into the trashcan. Yeah, not all penny candy is great. Do they still even make those disgusting, pseudo-peanut butter taffies wrapped in black and orange wax paper that cheapass homeowners gave out on Halloween? Those were the worst. And circus peanuts! Ewwwwwww! Erika finds it as hard to focus on the challenge as I apparently do, because all she wants to do is dive into the candy and start eating. Heh. Malika watches the clock intently. Seth wants to use Atomic Fireballs, because his mom loves them, but can no longer eat them. They're a LabRat favorite as well, despite the fact that he almost choked to death on one.

Zac loves the challenge (and pastry prep in general), because he gets to take revenge on his vegan mother for never letting him eat sweets. Hehe. Danielle crafts a fun little gross-out project out of gummi worms and faux dirt. Gail and Elizabeth enter to give the five-minute warning. Seth runs for liquid nitrogen to chill his sorbet, but there isn't enough to get the job done. When time runs out, Seth melts down faster than his sorbet. He flings a cloth down, cusses, and begins to hyperventilate and cry, all because he couldn't get a Quickfire dessert to the level where he could dedicate it to his mom. Keep in mind this is all going on in front of the judges. Seth... Hmm... I mean, I like to make fun of "crazy" personalities on reality shows, but the fun kind of drains out if the person may actually be crazy. He's dancing close to the edge.

The judges do their best to ignore him while they go down the line. Yigit has infused red licorice into "strawberries and cream", which is accented with citrus and bits of licorice. Heatherh has made vanilla panna cotta with a passion fruit gelee, using passion fruit candy as a sweetener. Tim has an orange and pistachio parfait, with mascarpone, cream, and a ton of orange-flavored candy. Morgan has made a very pretty plate of chick-o-stick sable, with a malted milk ganache, and a banana lollipop that he's repulled. Well, I hate coconut and malted milk balls, but his presentation is so lovely that I'd be tempted to try it. Malika's got a lemon drop and strawberry parfait, with yuzu cream and strawberry gelee. There are some strawberry pop rocks on top, which is a good idea. Heatherc has a browned butter almond financier, with strawberries and balsamic vinegar. She takes the line that it's "candy flavors", but didn't use any actual candy. What a dink.

Zac's plate is the opposite of Morgan's: Mostly good components, but the presentation is sloppy and unappealing. He's got a chocolate and sour cream Ho-Ho, with a red hot/cream cheese filling. He then ruins this delightful combination by topping the whole thing with black licorice and black licorice flavors like star anise. The slop comes from a hot tamale whipped cream smeared all over the plate. Eric's made a malted chocolate pudding with a bit of butterscotch candy, and a malt ball cookie. Erika has a base of strawberry pop rocks, with a lemon drop cookie and sour lemon gelee. Sounds good. Danielle's "worms in dirt" is a chocolate mousse with lemon gummi worms and malt balls and cocoa nibs. She also has the nifty idea of pairing the dessert with a glass of lemon soda with a red licorice straw. Seth begins to break down anew as the judges approach his station. He tearfully tells them about his problems with time, but says that the flavors should still work. Gail kindly tells him that flavors are what's most important, anyway. He's got a whopper chiffon cake, with a red hot/coconut jam, and the melted passion fruit/vanilla sorbet.

After the tasting, he completely dissolves in a puddle of tears on the ground, moaning over and over that he can't do this, and that the "red hots are for my mommy". No, really. I know I'm given to hyperbole, but this is seriously the most uncomfortable breakdown I've ever seen on this show. Delusional chefs that act up and freak out is an integral part of this program, but I almost think that Seth should not have been allowed to compete. The competitors do need some degree of self-control. His hysterical crying jag is to the point that Elizabeth has to come back and comfort him, pulling him in for a hug. Morgan tries to pull his buddy together, laughably telling him that he's a "badass chef".

LabRat (as Elizabeth): "I'm more of a man than you are. Lesbian up, dude."

The other chefs take the same tack as the viewing party, which is that yes, this is a massively difficult, stressful, emotional experience, but you can't respond to every setback like a coal miner's widow who's just been told the bad news. Especially a setback as minor as this. You served a disappointing sorbet, not a cake full of glass shards. Results. The bottom three are Heatherc, for NOT USING ANY CANDY, Eric's one-dimensional dessert, and of course, Seth, for not finishing. Elizabeth tells him again that she's been in his shoes, but you have to put mistakes behind you and step up to the challenge. He agrees. The top three are Heatherh, for highlighting citrus flavor, Danielle's playful theme, and Zac's delicious cake and licorice sauce. Zac is an ungracious victor, though he has the sense to razz his competitors for their desserts in interview. The ultimate winner of the challenge and immunity is... Danielle. She gives the Standard Speech.

LabRat (as Elizabeth): "As the winner, Danielle gets my phone number."

Elimination Challenge. The chefs head to Mark Peel's new restaurant, where we get exciting news. No, it's nothing about the challenge. It's that we finally learn, care of Malika, that we are indeed in Los Angeles. Next week, let's send the chefs somewhere else so we can start the puzzle anew. It'll be like a twisted version of Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? Mark Peel welcomes everyone before Gail arrives. The chefs applaud Gail's entrance like they didn't just see her ten minutes ago. She explains that the Elimination Challenge will be to create a dessert inspired by a cocktail. Get that, Heatherc? Need it repeated a few times? The challenge is made more complicated when the chefs learn that their ingredients must be selected from behind Mark's bar. When something is taken, that's it. It's gone. The chefs pull coasters instead of the traditional knives to determine the order in which they'll "shop" for two minutes. They'll have to make enough plates for twenty-five diners, plus the judges. Instead of going number by number, I'll just tell you that Eric pulls the all-important #1.

"Shopping". Eric grabs all the pineapple slices. Erika stocks up on margarita components. Malika worries that all the citrus will be gone by the time she gets her turn. We run through a series of chefs hurriedly selecting their ingredients. Zac acts up for attention. Actually, you should probably just assume that whenever Zac is mentioned, he's acting up for attention. Seth is towards the end of the line. He's got his heart set on grapefruit juice, but can't find any. He wonders aloud how he's supposed to make a Greyhound without it. Morgan duhs that he may have to rethink his plan. Yeah, you'd almost think that limited access to ingredients was part of the challenge! Weird! The other chefs encourage him, chanting "Go, Seth, go!" and suggesting that he work out a new version of the drink. No matter. When time runs out, Seth has not obtained the things on his overly-strict ingredient list, and has thus suffered another minor setback. How do you suppose he reacts?

I believe I heard "He has a complete meltdown in front of the judges, almost inappropriate in the worst of times, but especially in a case where his fury is entirely disproportional to the severity of the situation," from the back of the room. Wow, you're wordy. You're also correct. He screams at the other chefs for being "haters", which beyond being silly, is untrue. They were actively trying to help him, even if their motivation was to not get stabbed in their sleep by the loon they're forced to live with. Seth then moves on to a familiar reality show trope, screaming that he's not in this for fun or glory, but that the prize money will save his life. I have the same unsympathetic response for him that I've had for everyone else who's tried this line: If you're that desperate, the solution is not to wander away from your job for a month to go on television for a miniscule fraction of a chance to win a pot of money that gets a hefty chunk chopped off for taxes. I'm fairly sure that "Make a ill-fated grab for game show prizes" doesn't show up on many financial advisors' plans.

That's all beside the point, though, because the real story is Seth's increasingly alarming mood swings. Yigit tells him to stop yelling at everyone, and when Seth snidely responds that it's not for Yigit to tell him what's okay, Seth's BFF Morgan tells him he's being an asshole. Seth finally shuts up, and shrugs in interview that it's all stress. Yeah, no. Nice try, though. Heatherh reiterates in interview that working with limited ingredients is the entire point of the challenge, and having such a tantrum over it is embarrassing. Gail and Mark Peel, who have had to stand there watching all this, try to get the show back on the rails, sending the chefs back to the Kitchen to get to work.

Once there, the chefs get going on their three hours of prep time. They have access to pantry ingredients as well as what they got from behind the bar. Eric works on pineapple upside-down cake based on a bourbon/pineapple cocktail. Based on the limited time we've spent with these chefs, Heatherh and Eric are really stepping up to be my favorites, though for different reasons. I like Heatherh's competent, no-nonsense, no-drama approach, while Eric seems fun and laid-back. Plus, he's cute. Seth's plan for the day is to not spew crazy all over the Kitchen. I like how he has to make that a concrete plan, rather than just not doing it. Today, I think I'll studiously avoid spitting in strangers' faces. Tim tells us (as he did back at the bar) that his dessert is based on a drink called the Plantation. It involves basil and rum. Heatherh advises him to increase the amount of basil if he's going to put it into a cold custard. He doesn't have enough basil leaves to do that, so he throws the entire plant into the blender, seeds and all. Malika worries that her dessert lacks the acidity it needs.

Johnny stops by to Ptimewaste. In most cases, he just checks in with the chefs to see what they're making and how it's going. Notably, in Seth's case, he asks how he's holding up and tells him to take a deep breath. That's not really a great substitute for doing a thorough psych evaluation before letting someone onto the show, but I guess their options are limited at this point. Once Johnny's gone, Seth can't let his excessive energy vent by going nutso on the other contestants, so it gets channeled into being completely spastic. He runs around the Kitchen at a full sprint, yelling nonstop about the blast chiller door and where's his cake and watch the open flame and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. The other chefs are just exhausted by him, as anyone forced to live and work with a guy who is mentally incapable of calming the hell down would be.

As time winds down, Heatherh helps Yigit get his stuff wrapped up. Back at the loft, her get-shit-done-with-a-minimum-of-fuss attitude also comes in handy in dealing with the household's resident kook. She tells Seth that she thinks he owes the rest of them an apology, which Seth is very amenable to giving. He's almost too facile in owning up to his poor behavior, which doesn't provide much relief to everyone else, because him shifting gears that quickly is part of the problem in the first place. He tells Heatherh that he'll make it up to the rest of them, and she says she doesn't want him to make anything up, just to spend the remainder of his time treating his fellow chefs like decent people. God, I like her. That would seem like it settles matters for the time being, but Yigit can't resist getting in another dig at Seth, telling him that everyone has personal life issues, and letting them bleed violently into the competition is not helpful. Seth apologizes again. Well, I guess that's it, then. Seth will never lose control again!

After the commercial break, it's back to Mark's bar, where the chefs have an hour to finish up and get everything plated. The space is very cramped, so the chefs will be plating and presenting three at a time. Seth tells Yigit that "my gelee is going to be harder than yours," sending the viewing party into a gale of very immature giggles. Eric is nervous, having never done a plated service before. This is where you can tell I have an unfair bias in his favor, because normally, I'd sneer at the contestant sarcastically that it's a good thing they didn't sign up for a contest in which plating desserts is a given, but in this case, I simply sigh like a schoolgirl. Oh, Eric. I'll enjoy you while I can. Erika realizes she's a few desserts short, so she decides to cut her spheres in half, not only to increase the portions, but so the diners can see the layers inside. It's a genius idea, because it winds up looking even better than her original concept:

Time runs out, and Danielle is so busy dancing to the timer beeps that she doesn't realize she's the one that's supposed to turn it off. Hahahaha! The first set of plates goes out. Gail introduces the judging table, which in addition to her and Johnny, includes Elizabeth Faulkner, Hubert Keller, Mark Peel, and his wife/business partner. Erika kicks off the presentation with her margarita bombe, which includes a lime cookie, tequila mousse, and a Grand Marnier creme brulee. Like Eric's chili-spiced brownie in the first episode, I declare this one Limecrete's Pick of the Week. It looks wonderful. Erika warns the judges that she has incorporated salt, as any good margarita would. Danielle has made a lime and lemon curd tart, topped with toasted coconut and resting on a bed of rum sabayon and candied kumquats. It's always sad to see a promising dessert ruined by coconut. Eric's bourbon pineapple cocktail inspiration has naturally been translated into a pineapple bourbon upside-down cake that looks quite tasty.

Tasting. Erika's margarita bombe was a great idea, and the salt jazzes up what might have been an overly subtle dessert. Danielle's is disappointing. Besides some execution issues, Johnny can't identify any sort of cocktail inspiration. Hubert likes it more than the other judges, but agrees it lacks oomph. Eric's cake had the simplest presentation, but the biggest depth of flavor. The textures were all nice, and there's a pleasant aftertaste of bourbon.

Back in the kitchen, a still-remorseful Seth wants to help the others, and starts by grabbing Yigit's ice cream out of the freezer for him. Morgan is using the scoop, and Yigit barely gets everything onto the plates in time. He worries that his rush has let to a lackluster presentation that will sink him to the bottom three. He's the first in his group to present. He's got a campari and blood orange agar agar, with a citrus vanilla panna cotta, and basil ice cream. Morgan has turned a Jack and Coke inspiration into a cola spiced whiskey cake, with some coke fluid gel and a whiskey gelee. Heatherc has made a gingerbread cake with a rum caramel sauce, and topped with candied ginger. Tasting. Yigit's plate is nicely colorful, but his ice cream is beginning to melt, leading Johnny to surmise that Yigit had a timing issue back in the kitchen.

Tim: "He practically ran out of time plating. How much longer could he have delayed?"

Hmm. Good point. Between this and "Tania had plenty of time to make another mousse", I'm starting to think Johnny isn't as much of an expert as we've been led to believe. The judges enjoyed Morgan's plate, but wish there was one more component. Heatherc made some good gingerbread, but that's about all that can be said for her plate.

Seth is in full-on spaz mode back in the kitchen, and figures that he won't finish on time. Zac, although he's not a big Seth booster, admits that he can't watch someone flail like that, and helps Seth plate. Thanks to him, Seth finishes with a little time to spare, so he zooms over to Malika to offer his assistance. Malika: "I'm good." Malika's tone: "Get the fuck away from my food, nutbar." He then sets his sights on Heatherh, who tells him he can help by going over to the timer to keep an eye on the countdown. Heh. Clever little minx. Time runs out.

The next set of chefs goes out to meet the judges. Seth's plate is based on a blueberry gimlet. He didn't have enough blueberries to incorporate into the cake, and has decided that dyeing the cake blue is the next best thing. Well, sure. That's why instead of keeping a fire extinguisher around, I just tacked up a picture of one. It's just as good, really. Seth's cake also has lemon juice, lime juice, gin, and juniper soda. Malika has made a blood orange/blackberry mojito cake soaked with white rum, with a white chocolate mousse infused with cream. Privately, she's concerned about her flavor balance, but has no choice but to hope for the best. Heatherh's inspiration is a White Russian, and she has made a custard with coffee, Kahlua, white chocolate, and vodka. Tasting. Malika's dessert is one of the weakest so far. The flavors she meant to highlight were overshadowed, and Hubert finds it far too sweet. She did well with the cocktail half of the challenge, just not the dessert half. Heatherh's plate is overcomplicated. As to Seth's plate, Elizabeth tells the other judges that blue food is a faux pas in the pastry world. Is that true? Because it sounds a little urban legendy. Aside from the color, Johnny didn't get a hint of either of the two gins Seth included.

As the next set of chefs gets ready, a crash resounds throughout the kitchen. A tray of Zac's chocolate squares has fallen to the floor. The only person nearby is Seth, who insists that he didn't do anything to it. I'm going to refrain from assuming Seth knocked it over in some flailing spaz attack, because we didn't see it on camera, and God knows there's plenty else to hold Seth accountable for this week. Still, it may be a good idea to not let the hyperemotional basket case near your food from now on. Or your toolbox. Or your medicine cabinet. Seth wants to appear contrite and helpful by cleaning up the mess, but all he accomplishes is being even more in the way while Zac is trying to plate. Your homework for tonight will be to read "Helping" from Shel Silverstein's Where the Sidewalk Ends and write an essay about how it relates to this scene. Zac still has plenty of tuile to top each of his plates, but leaves one off, only realizing it after time has elapsed. You'd think he'd be extra sure to make sure that one goes to some random diner instead of the judges' table. You'd think. Naturally, Zac takes this whole situation to mean he should never help anyone out, and nice guys finish last, and so on and so forth. Way to completely miss the point while simultaneously pissing away any sympathy I had for you, Zac. It's tough to do that in two sentences. Oh, and good job serving the tuile-less plate to Gail. That wasn't dumb at all.

Presentation. Zac sags even further in my estimation by explaining that his inspiration was a Jager Bomb. Of course, that's not entirely his fault. It's the Misses', a Saint Louis girl band who had me dress up as Cupid and introduce them for their Valentine's Day show. It was a Jagermeister-sponsored event, and folks just love to buy shots for dudes dressed up as Roman love fairies. Needless to say, I haven't been able to touch a drop of the stuff since. Anyway, back to Zac. He's made a Benedictine bombe, which is a dark chocolate malt cake, with a Benedictine cremeux (basically a mousse). The cakes are topped with the chocolate squares that escaped the crash, lime ice cream/sorbet/gelato/something-or-other and a tarragon tuile except for the one Zac didn't put on and somehow blamed on Seth. Tim describes his cocktail inspiration for the third time. I'll assume you're up to speed. His dessert is a basil pudding with orange, kumquat, and lime granita. Tasting. Zac had a great concept, but not a great dessert. Johnny rails against Tim for doing two desserts served in a bowl in two challenges. I get where he's going with that, but two instances does not a pattern make. Elizabeth has a more concrete criticism, which is that Tim's textures are awful, rather like finding scrambled eggs in your soup. Spew. Mark agrees that it's messy, but enjoys the flavors.

Interstitial. Seth tries to drum up activity partners during the long fret 'n sweat. Nobody's interested.

Judges' Table. Gail enters the Kitchen, and asks to see Erika, Yigit, and Eric. Once they're gone, Seth says he's happy for Eric, condescendingly saying that Eric needs a hit now or he'll just fall apart and never pull it together. Nobody who's ever said "The red hots were for my mommy" gets to comment on other people pulling it together. Heatherc, who more and more is looking like she's a few hotels short of a Monopoly game, decides to poke the big bag of crazy by insisting that the three chefs who just left may not even be the winners. Seth explodes yet again, saying that the other chefs are taking advantage of his emotional vulnerability, and telling them all to suck it. I don't think "Stop spewing wads of insanity all over me" can be construed as taking advantage of someone, but since parsing Seth's outbursts would fulfill a full-semester course towards a psychology degree, we just don't have the time to go into it that deeply. In the meantime, Heatherc, here's a helpful little to-do list for you:

1) Cut your bangs. I know your forehead is raging with some sort of fungal outbreak right now, but walking around with that hair curtain isn't much better.

2) Listen to the challenge parameters. They're kind of important.

3) Stop picking fights with insane people. Their arguments don't rely on reason, and you're only setting yourself up to come home and find your beloved pet bubbling away on the stove.

4) As a matter of fact, just shut up entirely. You're annoying.

Thanks. So, after we're treated to Seth's third rant of the hour, we go out to Judges' Table, where Gail informs Erika, Yigit, and Eric that they're the top three. Erika's margarita bombe was aesthetically pleasing, as well as delicious. Eric's pineapple upside-down cake had great consistency, and the pineapple was well-caramelized. Elizabeth warns that he'll have to step up his plating skills, though. Yigit impressed the judges with his colorful plate and creamy panna cotta. Elizabeth gets to announce the challenge winner, who turns out to be... Erika. Yay! Erika is reserved, but pleased, and looks genuinely anxious when Gail asks the top three to send out the losing chefs.

Erika's win is applauded back in the Kitchen before Yigit tells the chefs that the judges want to see Malika, Tim, and Seth. Once they're lined up, Gail asks Tim if his final result was the way he pictured it. He says that it was, and that his intent was simply to mirror a cocktail he enjoys. Johnny describes the horrible texture issues Tim had, and says that while Tim knows his flavors inside and out, he has real trouble putting them together.

Seth admits that he made a poor dessert, and won't pretend otherwise. He begins to get agitated again, but backs off in time. Hubert says that his cake wasn't so much a blueberry cake as a blueberry-colored cake, but that he's being too hard on himself. Johnny jumps on board by telling Seth that he's a smart guy, just spread himself too thin. Such a hard worker! Have you ever heard this many compliments for someone at Losers' Table? I guess I can understand their thinking: Keep him calm. Back away slowly. Don't make eye contact. Elizabeth comes as close as a judge has ever gotten to asking "Are you sure you're sane enough to continue in this contest?" Seth maintains his placid mask, but admits that he can't promise to not scale a clocktower and begin blasting away the next time he, I don't know, runs out of butter or something.

Tiffany (as Gail): "Seth, please pack your knives and go. Actually, no. Don't pack them. Please gently hand over your knives, then go."

Malika's cake was far too sweet and off balance. Johnny asks her why she has such time issues, and she says that she was trying to correct mistakes, when she should have just started from scratch with a new idea. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. Seth tried to do too much, and will probably start a hostage crisis any minute now. Tim has great flavor combinations, but his pudding was a curdled soup. Malika's mojito cake was too sweet and lacked important elements. She's having a hard time adapting to the challenges. The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. The chefs aren't wearing Kevlar, so I guess I know one person that's safe. Tim's textures were awful. Malika's balance was awful. Seth is an awesome, wonderful person, but maybe this dish was just an eensy-beensy bit off. Gail delivers the bad news. Tim. Your dessert just didn't measure up. Please pack your tools and go. Note that I am not suggesting that they kept Seth around so he could continue to be cuckoo and make good television. I don't know if that's because I've been doing that too much lately, Tim's dessert really did look quite icky, or because the judges seem to know as well as anybody that Seth is not the cute kind of zany, and still didn't eliminate him. All of the above, probably.

In his final interview, Tim is surprised to have been eliminated, and can't think of anything he'd change about the dessert. The chefs waiting in the Kitchen are heartbroken to hear of his ouster, and I'll bet it's not too much of a stretch to assume that 50% of that heartbreak has nothing to do with Tim. Although he's shocked by the judges' decision, he accepts it graciously, and says that it's been an exciting experience that he doesn't regret at all. I imagine it would be somewhat of a relief to go back to a place where you don't have to sleep with a gun under your pillow.

Overall Grade: B

Death by Chocolate

2010-09-20T23:42:00.001-05:00

Top Chef: Just Desserts - Season 1, Episode 1

Previously on Just Desserts: A bunch of Top Chef contestants who couldn't make a panna cotta if the recipe was tattooed on their junk. Wouldn't it be nice if there were chefs who could turn out a batch of cookies without burning down the building? The Top Chef producers certainly thought so, and have given us this spinoff, in which twelve pastry chefs will compete to see who can induce the most cavities. I feel like I may have a more discerning eye when it comes to these dishes than in the original Top Chef, not only because I like to do a lot of experimental baking, but because I live with the biggest sweet tooth in the world. Thanks to LabRat, more desserts come and go through this apartment than through Willy Wonka's factory. Ready to go? Grab a bowl of Reese's Pieces, and let's hit it!

Gail Simmons welcomes us to the competition. We have to wait approximately two seconds before the first hilarious comment spews forth from one of the contestants, who says that it's about time for pastry chefs to "come forward", as if they're forced to lurk in shadow, and don't have a four hour chunk of time devoted to worshipping them nightly on Food Network. Big, pissy catfights are previewed. Unlike baseball, there is crying in pastry preparation. Joining Gail on the judging panel will be head judge Johnny Iuzzini, Hubert Keller, and someone we've never seen on the panel before, a magazine editor named Dannielle Kyrillos (who unfortunately is introduced by telling someone that there's a party going on in her mouth). The prizes should sound familiar to you: A feature in Food & Wine magazine, a showcase at a food show, a car, and $100,000.

Opening menu. Part of the reason that I didn't contribute much to the Top Chef Season 7 finale is because I was gearing up for this. A dessert premiere plus a birthday potluck at work induced me to make a triple batch of good, old-fashioned chocolate chip cookies. LabRat enjoyed the cookies, but not the news that my stirring arm was exhausted.

The opening credits are oddly bright and neon, bringing a cruise down the Las Vegas strip to mind much more than any dessert. After that little seizure-inducing intro, we catch up with contestants arriving at the City airport. Why don't I identify the city for you? Would that I could. They never tell us, which is supremely weird. Let's meet the crew wandering out into the bright sunshine of Undisclosed Location. Seth Caro is from New York City. He tells us people think he looks like Mark Wahlberg. Yeah, if Mark Wahlberg got Lisa Rinna's lips grafted onto his face. Tania Peterson is a Jewish atheist artist. Let's hope she doesn't confine herself to baking for events that only fit that mold. She seems cool, but I long to fix her hair. Bangs aren't for everyone. A double decker bus swings by to pick them up, along with Erika Davis and Heather Hurlbert, who have just shown up. Heather is a graduate of the Culinary Institute of America, and has won pastry awards. That's awards for pastry, not awards of pastry, although that would be awesome.

At the next gate, the bus picks up Zac Young, Eric Wolitzky, and Malika Ameen. Then, it's off to the bus station to pick up Tim Nugent who talks up his ice creams and gelatos. Gelatoes? Whatever its plural, I'm craving a big ol' scoop of it right now. Stupid ninety degree day in late September. Tim kids that he's been referred to as the Snow Queen.

LabRat: "Because of all the coke I did ten years ago."

In short order, we get another Heather (Heather Chittum), Yigit Pura, and Morgan Wilson. His order of priorities is: job, kid, climbing fake rock walls, and his girlfriend. I hope she's cool with being at the end of that list. He opines that pastry chefs can easily do a savory chef's job, but the converse situation leads to mediocre food at best. Let's test that theory, shall we? Once everyone's settled on the bus, they're joined by Gail and Johnny, who hope the chefs can pull out some artistry and inventiveness. The chefs nod mutely. Gail wastes no time in getting right to the point.

Ugly neon brings us to the first Quickfire Challenge. The chefs will be making their signature desserts. That's fairly straightforward. They'll have a $50 budget, and an hour and a half to get their desserts ready. The winner will score immunity. During the shopping segment, we get a bit more biographical info. Yigit tells us that being a pastry chef involves "preciseness". And communicating in English involves knowing the word "precision". Eric admits that he works in a bakery, but still considers himself a pastry chef. Hey, don't split hairs on my account. A good cinnamon roll makes me just as happy as any truffle could. Erika reminds us that baking requires exact measurements, and in a competition where there are no recipes allowed, that can be nearly impossible. Yeah, but there are basic ratios that bakers use. I'm not saying it won't be challenging; it looks terrifyingly difficult. Just that it's not like the chefs have to remember the exact amount of baking powder that goes into each preparation. Malika overshares that she and her husband are getting a divorce.

Back in the Kitchen, the chefs ooh and aah over all the equipment provided for them, before springing into their prep time. Tania overshares that she and her husband have been trying to get her pregnant for three years. Listen, folks. I wish you all luck in this competition. Truly. But feel free to leave me out of the inner workings of your personal lives. I promise, the very second that your crumbling marriage or your faulty uterus becomes my business, I'll let you know. Zac tells us that Seth is "literally running laps around the Kitchen", and unlike 99% of previous reality show competitors, he actually uses literally correctly. Gold star for him.

About fifteen minutes into the preparations, Gail and Johnny stride in and ask the chefs to stop what they're doing. Twist ahead! The chefs must now take the signature dishes they're working on, and translate them into cupcakes. Naturally, the news hits some people harder than others, because it's a lot easier to turn a regular cake into a cupcake that it is to transform, say, pudding. Once the chefs are turned loose again, the word "fuck" is liberally contributed to the conversation. Morgan says that everyone just crapped their pants. Well, don't serve that. Malika intends to turn meringue into the actual holder to put filling into. I've heard worse ideas. Tim attempts to freeze his semifreddo. Seth hopes his basil, which is his primary ingredient, will adapt well to the new preparation. Time winds down, and cupcakes start hitting the plates. Malika discovers that the oven her meringues were in has had the temperature turned up. I brace myself for a big hissyfit, but if anything, Malika underreacts. It's far too late to do anything about her browned meringues, but it turns out not to matter, as she's caught by the buzzer without having time to fill them.

Gail and Johnny go down the line. Tania has made a chocolate cupcake filled with chicory mousse, with mesquite flour and a creme fraiche caramel. Yes, please. Heatherc (that's Heather C.) has made a carrot cupcake with creme fraiche cream cheese icing, and fried carrots on top. Spew. In news unrelated to that monstrosity, she's got some sort of Band-aid or patch on her forehead that juts down onto the bridge of her nose. Zac has turned a deconstructed lemon meringue into a vanilla bean cupcake, with lemon curd and a blood orange marshmallow. Danielle has a chocolate cupcake with a mint chip filling and a toasted meringue. Did people just not have time to make proper icings or are meringues really this overused? Eric has a devil's food cupcake with a coffee buttermilk icing. Tim has attempted to make a frozen pistachio semifreddo. Johnny allows that it's very tasty, even as it completely fails as a cupcake. Seth has a steamed Malaysian coconut cake, with a basil buttercream and candied pine nuts. I would not enjoy that at all, but have to admit that it's far and away the most creative thing I've seen so far. Morgan's got a dark chocolate souffle cake, with a tangerine slice and caramel buttercream. Malika's got nothing.

Results. Malika understandably kicks off the bottom three, and is unsurprisingly joined by Tim. Zac is the only person in the bottom three who actually made a cupcake, which he notes enthusiastically. Johnny describes Zac's marshmallow texture as "horrible". Ouch. Now, to the good news. Seth's cupcake was herbaceous and well-adapted from the original idea. Tania's cupcake was moist and had a good flavor combination. Heatherc's fried carrot topping was contemporary, unique, and disgusting. I contributed one of those adjectives. I'll let you puzzle out which. The winner of the first Quickfire and its attendant immunity is... Seth. He's disingenuously modest about it before telling us that Harold (who he's worked with) won the first challenge, then went on to win the entire season, so why shouldn't be Seth be destined for the same? Of course, the problem with that reasoning is that Harold won the first Elimination Challenge, not the first Quickfire, so perhaps Seth should avoid that hubris until the round is over, lest he wind up looking foolish. I'm sure that would never happen, though.

Speaking of the first Elimination Challenge, let's get to it. The chefs will be working with the most popular dessert ingredient in the business. I speak, of course, of chocolate. Two guys haul in a table stacked with it. It looks quite yummy, as does one of the guys hauling the table. LabRat is too busy grumbling that white chocolate isn't really chocolate at all to bother noticing hot dudes. Chocolate may be popular, but it's also very temperamental, so the chefs have their work cut out for them. At least the challenge itself is fairly simple: Make a luxurious chocolate dessert. The desserts will be served to fifty diners, including Jacques Torres, a luminary in the world of chocolate. The chefs will have four hours to put everything together, then one hour to plate and serve.

The chefs are dismissed for the day, and head back to their lofts. I hear Undisclosed City has lovely living spaces. Beds are haggled over. Thermostat settings are discussed. Heatherc has graduated from a flesh-colored bandage to a white covering that is threatening to swallow her face. The line to have her prepare food for you forms at the left. Zac loudly proclaims that he needs his own bathroom, because he's got "bathroom issues". Wow, oversharing AND gross. Nice combo.

The next day, the chefs return to the Kitchen for their four hours of prep. Morgan adds whisky to his dough. Heatherh (Heather H.) and Yigit discover that they have similar techniques, which makes Yigit anxious, as Heatherh clearly has some training and experience on her side. Morgan burns a tray of his flan. He does his best to work around it, interviewing that "failure is not an option". Sure it is. It's just not an attractive one. Zac feels like he has a lot to prove after his poor Quickfire performance. Eric mechanically folds his batter for minutes on end. Johnny stops by to... Ptimewaste? Is that applicable here? Let's see if his walkthrough is the least bit relevant. And, no. It's just as pointless as ever. Tania tackles her white chocolate mousse last, and finds out that the texture is all wrong, almost like hummus. Yikes. It's too late to correct, and she hopes that the flavors will pull her through.

Time quickly runs out, and the chefs move their desserts into the Dining Room. Before you know it, diners are streaming in and chowing down. The judges stop by Morgan's table first. In addition to Gail, Johnny, and Dannielle, Jacques Torres is present as promised. Morgan has made chocolate fried pie, with a milk chocolate bourbon flan. Heatherc's got a bittersweet chocolate torte, with a mini whoopie pie with marshmallow fluff that she's made. Tasting. Morgan's flan has separated, and the dish as a whole does not get positive feedback. Heatherc's dessert has the first whoopie pie Jacques Torres has ever had. I confess that I haven't had them, either. If we're aiming for that sort of combination, we tend to go more for moon pies or ice cream sandwiches around these parts. And by "these parts", I mean "me". Jacques says that Heatherc would have done better to put a citrus flavor into the sandwich cream, rather than the marshmallow.

Eric has a brownie lightly spiced with ancho chili, accented with ginger and cinnamon. It looks fantastic. Heatherh has made a dark chocolate mousse torte, with a caramel/chocolate/Grand Marnier sauce. Zac blows "disco dust" (which is edible glitter) all over his dessert. Along with a fine spray of spittle, no doubt. His dessert is several differing textures of chocolate. It's very sculptural. He calls it a chocolate fondant "brownie sundae". Tasting. The judges enjoy Zac's plate, but Jacques calls him on blowing all over his food. Eric's brownie is moist and rich, but Jacques doesn't think it's very decadent. Boo! I suppose that was one of the challenge parameters, but I don't have LabRat's sweet tooth, and so that spiced brownie was a lot more appealing to me than some chocolate cake with chocolate sauce, finished with chocolate dust and chocolate whipped cream, to be eaten with a chocolate fork. Heatherh's dessert is very elegant, and extremely tasty to boot.

Tania has an orange blossom/honey ganache and a flourless chocolate torte topped with an Earl Grey/white chocolate mousse. She admits up front that her mousse's texture isn't ideal, but she's happy with her flavors. Once the judges leave her table, her mistakes get the better of her, and she surreptitiously dabs away some tears. The other chefs catch it, and Malika pulls her in for a hug. Aw. Danielle has made a chocolate free form tart with whipped cream, hazelnut brittle, and some banana. You know, I like all those ingredients, but her dessert doesn't look good. It's goopy and unappealing. Zac agrees with me in interview. Tasting. Dannielle (that's judge-Dannielle, not contestant-Danielle -- you can tell by the stupid spelling judge-Dannielle's parents have saddled her with) finds it takes a lot of work to get a proper bite of Danielle's dessert. Jacques thinks the components are boring, but they come together to form something interesting. Tania's mousse is grainy as promised, but Dannielle likes the shape (which is a pretty teardrop) and the candied kumquat on top. Johnny remains unimpressed.

Seth has got a Madras curry and chocolate palette, with a raspberry gelee. The internet is not being very helpful on "palette", so I'll just report that it appears to be a fudge-like brownie. There are lots of additional little surprises, like liquid nitrogen-shattered raspberries and candied rose. Yigit has made a flourless chocolate genoise, with a custardless ice cream. Wow, that sure does sound luxurious! Tasting. Yigit's rubbery ice cream is lacking something. Ooh, I have a guess! Is it custard? Dannielle calls Seth's dessert a "pug" in that it's tiny, but powerful. Johnny enjoys the curry.

Tim has a milk chocolate ganache, mixed with bittersweet chocolate ganache, chocolate cake, chocolate whipped cream, and cocoa nibs on top. I just went into diabetic shock. Malika has got a bittersweet chocolate layer cake, with braised cherries and cocoa nib nougatine (brown nougat). Johnny congratulates her for finishing this time, aiming for friendly and coming off as condescending. Erika's voice rises four octaves as she describes her chocolate banana caramel crunch bar.

Panny: "I don't know nothing 'bout birthin' no babies, Miss Scarlet!"

Tasting. "The crunch Erika put on the bottom is, like, 'Pow Pow!' It wakes you up," Dannielle jabbers. Yeah, I'm not feeling this lady. That could prove to be a problem, since I'm being asked to consider her opinion as expert. She seems nice and all, but fairly inept so far. Right now, all I'm hearing is a college sophomore they pulled off the quad to judge a dessert competition. Tim's cake is a bit dense, but the flavors are all good. Malika's dessert screams chocolate. Service winds down.

Interstitial. Zac is either stupid or being deliberately obtuse when he jumps down Danielle's throat for an offhand comment she makes about how she feels like barfing after eating too much chocolate, taking it as a slam against his dessert. Either way, it's obnoxious. Shut up, Zac. You're not a quarter as cute as you think you are.

We enter into the fret 'n sweat on an establishing shot of a street sign that reads "Vine". Could our Mystery Location have been identified? Are we in Los Angeles? Until they say so, I say we just go on assuming we could be anywhere. Gail comes in, and summons Seth, Heatherh, and Zac to Judges' Table. Morgan doesn't know the protocol as to who gets called first in this iteration of the show, but sniffs that his dessert was much better than the three people who just got called. Apparently, he's the only one who thinks so, as the summoned chefs learn that they're the top three.

Zac immediately begins weeping. Jeez. He'll be fun as television fodder, but man, would he ever be exhausting to spend time with. He makes a rambling, inapt comparison between making dessert and giving birth. The judges wait patiently through this twaddle before telling him that his dessert demonstrated a lot of different textures and techniques. Dannielle's "party in my mouth" comment is mercifully gotten out of the way before Jacques admonishes Zac for blowing the glitter into his food. Heatherh's dessert was aesthetically pleasing and well-balanced. Seth didn't rely on immunity, and everyone enjoyed the curry flavoring in his dessert. Seth says he's shocked that all four judges liked it. I write that as "says he's shocked" instead of "is shocked", because I have yet to hear a statement come out of his mouth that doesn't seem forced, couched, and designed to fit a personality type that he's trying way too hard to craft for himself. I wish Seth and I were off to a better start, because his food is really quite interesting. If he lays off his posturing and focuses on his desserts, we can turn this distressing situation around.

Jacques gets the privilege of announcing the first ever Elimination Challenge winner for Just Desserts, and that honor goes to... Heatherh. Seth finally has a genuine reaction. He is not pleased. He stands stiffly, arms crossed, eyes blinking, as Heatherh and Zac share a hug. Heatherh is thrilled and surprised to have won. I'm pleased for her win, even if her dessert didn't thrill me as much as a couple of others. Probably because unlike her fellow winning chefs, she appears to care more about her food than her image. Gail puts her concerned face on, and asks the winning chefs to send back some of their colleagues. Heatherh is warmly congratulated back in the Kitchen. Seth shares the bad news as quickly as he can. The judges would like to see Danielle, Tania, and Morgan. "Whatever," Morgan spits. I'm fully convinced that he's that above-it-all, and isn't seething. Also, I was born yesterday.

The three losing chefs trudge in to Losers' Table. Strange how one of the Quickfire top three is in the losing group now, and vice versa. Danielle is asked why she thinks she's there, and she admits she doesn't know, saying she liked her flavors and textures. Johnny tells her that her dessert was exceedingly difficult to eat, and that it exploded all over the plate the moment it was touched with a fork. She explains her free form tart concept, and Jacques points out that if the dessert was taken layer by layer, the flavors didn't work anymore. Tania is obviously in the bottom for her mousse's off-putting texture. She says as much, throwing in an "At the end of the day.." DRINK! Gail liked the chocolate layer under the mousse, but there wasn't enough of it to counterbalance the mistakes.

Morgan tells the judges he thinks he had a delicious array of temperatures and textures. Johnny asks if the flan was supposed to have two layers. It did not, which means it separated. That's not a good thing. Morgan says he noticed that, but was hoping the judges wouldn't. There's a fresh approach: "I was hoping you'd be idiots." Dannielle thinks the flan brought a jarring contrast to the overall dessert. At least, that's a concise version of what she says. I know she's new, but she needs some work. Morgan, who two minutes ago said that his dessert was better than the winners', and two seconds ago said that he was hoping the judges would overlook an obvious mistake, now says that he only included the flan because he didn't want to be judged on not attempting enough. Pick a shitty defense and stick with it. The chefs are dismissed.

Back in the Kitchen, Morgan doesn't want to talk with the safe chefs about what the judges hated about his dessert. I suppose I can't fault him for that, although he's unnecessarily smarmy about it. Deliberations. Johnny says Morgan's biggest problem was himself. I'll say. He tried to do too much, and wound up spreading himself too thin. His dessert was unfocused, and didn't concentrate enough on chocolate. Johnny thinks Tania had plenty of time to remake her mousse. I don't see how he could know that. Her Earl Grey didn't lend enough flavor, and the overall dessert was far too timid. Danielle was too defensive. Eh, I didn't really get that sense. Her dessert didn't work at all if it was eaten as intended. The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. All three losing chefs failed at featuring chocolate. Morgan has technique, but took on too much. Danielle should have taken more time to construct her dessert. Tania should have corrected her mistakes. The first chef eliminated is... Tania. Please pack your tools and go. Wait, really? The woman who admitted up front that she made a technical error, and thus theoretically knows how to correct for it next time goes home over the guy who reached for any excuse short of "A wizard did it" to explain his crappy dessert? That mousse must have been truly wretched. Or they just can't eliminate the season's designated douchebag this early. Tania thanks the judges for the opportunity. In her final interview, she acknowledges that being the first to go is generally accepted as the worst thing that can happen. It's true, and I wish she could have stuck around longer. She cries a bit, and says that although she's totally bummed out, she knows she's got a fantastic husband who supports her waiting for her back home. Bon voyage, Tania. You got a raw deal. Here's hoping you get knocked up soon.

Overall Grade: B

And the Winner Izzzzz.....

2010-09-18T11:30:00.000-05:00

Top Chef - Season 7, Episode 14

Previously on Top Chef: A season of Top Chef. More specifically, Kelly got eliminated, along with any hope of a satisfying end to this dismal season. Three chefs remain. Who will be Top Chef?

Opening menu. In addition to the regular grub, Panny and Phooey brought along some falafel and hummus. It may not have been Singaporean, but it was tasty. Be sure to keep your eyes peeled for Drinking Game tipoffs! Believe me, you'll need something to entertain you for the next hour.

Monday Morning Quarterback session. As you may remember, the final three chefs were summoned back to Judges' Table mere moments after it ended. When they go back out, they discover that the knife block has been set up. Padma tells them that in order to give them as much time as possible to plan their final meal, the challenge will be given out now. Each of the chefs will prepare four courses. The first course will be a vegetable course, the second will be fish, the third will be meat, and the fourth will be the dreaded dessert. Oddly, the chefs will have no control over which meat and fish to cook with; Eric and Ptom will be choosing proteins for them. Sure, why not restrict what food they can use here in the third episode? Makes sense to me! What's that you say? It's not the third episode? It is, in fact, the finale, after which we're supposed to know who the most talented chef is? Even though they aren't able to express any kind of individuality via ingredient selection in the two main courses? Maybe it's handy that I don't care who wins now. If I did, this would infuriate me.

Speaking of infuriating, let's meet the guest sous chefs! Are they celebrity cooks? Are they eliminated contestants? Nope, it's previous winners. Hey, that's a great idea. I mean there have been six seasons, and three of the winners have been kind of assy, but the chances that they'd be the three... Oh. They are. Actually, I'm not being entirely fair. Hung and Michael V. weren't my favorite people, but I certainly couldn't begrudge them the win based on talent, and I've frankly mellowed on both of them since their seasons. Ilan, on the other hand, is the biggest cockbite this show has ever cast. The fact that they rewarded him with the win brought me within a hare's breath of never watching the show again, and the fact that they keep bringing him back, like he's some kind of beloved elder statesman, is salt on the wound.

The chefs pick knives to see which sous chef they'll be working with. All of them hope to either get Michael or Hung. See? Go away, Ilan. Go away forever. Ed picks first and gets Ilan. Wah-wah. Kevin gets Michael, which he's thrilled with, because they used to work with each other and still maintain a friendly relationship. That leaves Hung with Angelo, which pleases Angelo no end. Back at the hotel, the chefs get to know their sous chefs a bit better. Angelo feels a bit ill, and turns in early to try and sleep it off. The previous winners tell the contestants not to try anything fancy, and just cook their own style of food. Which they can't do because they don't get to choose their main ingredients, but whatever. Everyone turns in for the night.

In the morning, Angelo feels no better, and a doctor is brought in to examine him. After he looks him over, he gives him about a 20% chance of being well enough to cook the final meal. In the meantime, Hung will have to communicate with him by phone in order to shop and prep as much as he can for him. Sounds sucky. Before they head off to the store, though, Eric and Ptom present the proteins for the fish and meat courses. The fish is red mullet, cuttlefish, cockles, and slipper lobster. The meats are pork belly and duck. The duck is a full bird; plucked, but not broken down. In order to stifle creativity even further, the main component of the fish course MUST be the mullet, and the main component of the meat course MUST be the duck, and the other proteins MUST be incorporated somewhere. Whoever designed this as the final challenge MUST be shrooming.

Shopping. There's a $300 budget. Weirdly, every single sign in the grocery store is in English, with American pricing. Ilan gets on Ed's nerves. Please. You don't even have to have a nervous system for Ilan to get on your nerves. Ilan could get on a coral reef's nerves. Hung does the best he can at trying to get the necessary ingredients with only Angelo's sickly phone voice for help.

LabRat: "And this year's Top Chef is... Hung again!"

Heh. I could actually get behind that. Shopping winds down, and the chefs head back to the kitchen for their three hours of prep. Hung grabs the limited amount of foie gras, so Kevin and Ed have to scramble to come up with different ideas. Lots of prep work is done. Hung's spastic nature works to his advantage, and he tears through a huge chunk of work. Ed gives full control of the dessert to Ilan. Wah-wah. Back at the hotel, the doctor is telling Angelo that an antibiotic injection may improve his condition, even if the chances aren't great. Angelo's willing to try, and drops trou. The next day, he's still not feeling 100% better, but his symptoms have abated enough for him to cook without bringing all the diners down with dysentery. That's nice for them (and of course for him), but it sure would have injected some much-needed excitement into this snoozer of a finale.

The chefs get another three hours of prep. Kevin discusses plating with Michael, who wonders what the other two competitors are going to do. "That's their problem," Kevin sniffs. "I'm not here to be nice." DRINK! Angelo is happy with the mountain of work that Hung was able to get through. He's not entirely satisfied with the menu, but recognizes that he should be grateful that he's able to compete at all at this point. The final three dissect each other's chances of winning. Time winds down, and the chefs get everything plated. The diners get seated. A lot of Names are present, as usual.

First course. Keep in mind that this is the vegetable course, and see if you can pick out what's weird. I'll leave you little clues. Angelo has pickled royale mushrooms, with char siu bao PORK BELLY, on a bed of noodles and watermelon tea. Kevin has an eggplant/zucchini/pepper terrine, with tomato, jalapeno, and a black garlic puree. I bet I'd like that one. Ed has a chilled summer corn veloute, with fried black COCKLES. The diners tuck in. Angelo's dish has very bold and local flavors, but Ptom thinks it needs work. Susan Feniger thinks Kevin's needs some oomph, and playfully hits the Name next to her when he disagrees. Eric agrees with another French Name that Ed's dish was well done.

Second course. Angelo has put the sauteed red mullet into Asian-style bouillabaisse, with poached cuttlefish. Kevin has pan-seared mullet, with cuttlefish "noodles", pork belly, cockles, slipper lobster, and cigala. Ed has stuffed red mullet, with glazed slipper lobster, and cuttlefish with zucchini pesto. Wow, I sure do love seeing the same six ingredients over and over again. It's super exciting. Tasting. Kevin gets positive reviews. Ed's dish is overcomplicated. Angelo's broth is tasty and memorable.

Meat course. Angelo has sauteed duck breast with foie gras topped with a cinnamon marshmallow and a tart cherry shooter on the side. Ew. Kevin has roasted duck breast with a duck dumpling, caramelized bok choy, and orange/coriander sauce. Ed has done duck two ways. There's roasted breast, and there's braised, stuffed duck neck with baby spinach. Tasting. Kevin's dumpling is nice, and his duck is the best cooked of the bunch. Angelo's plate is good, aside from the cherry shot, which nobody likes or understands. Ed's dish is layered with flavor, and his greens are outstanding.

Dessert course. Ed isn't entirely pleased with Ilan's cake or the cream that goes with it. Well, perhaps you could have spent some of the final challenge helping plan or execute your own dessert. Just a thought. The plates go out. Angelo's "Thai Jewel" is a coconut/vanilla cream with crushed ice and exotic fruits. Or as they call them in Singapore... Fruits. Kevin presents an updated version of the Singapore Sling. The frozen drink is on top, and below it lurks a bunch of tropical fruit. Ed has sticky toffee date pudding, with "fleur de sel creme chantilly", a fancy way of saying "whipped cream with salt in it". Kevin's interpretation of the Singapore Sling gets a lot of yummy noises from the diners. Angelo's dessert was comforting, but borders on the savory. Ed's dessert is meh. It's okay, but nothing special.

The chefs try each other's food back in the kitchen, and say nice things about what their competitors put out. They then emerge to applause from the diners, and though I know I can't reach through the television and taste anyone's food (would that I could), nothing I just saw looked that impressive or that terrible. Except the cherry shooter. Maybe if the chefs had been allowed free reign to cook their final meal, we could have seen someone really play to their strengths and put up an outstanding dish. Padma raises her glass and thanks the other diners, which shifts us directly into Judges' Table.

The judges do their best to convince us that the meal blew them away, but it seems cursory. The chefs are brought out, and Padma thanks them for an amazing meal, in same tone of voice that you'd use to thank someone for pointing out that your shoelace is untied. Angelo's fish course had a great broth, and embraced local culture, but his meat course cherry shooter was a terrible idea. Ed's stuffed duck neck was a great addition, and his spinach was beautiful. His dessert was bland and unimpressive. Ed attempts to explain himself by essentially saying that he didn't want to do an actually impressive dessert at the risk of messing it up. Because there are so many more challenges to prove yourself?

Panny: "Wow, I've never seen someone throw himself under the bus so effectively."

Kevin's vegetable course could have used a bit more spice. His duck was superbly cooked, and his dessert was fantastic. The chefs are dismissed. Deliberations. The judges continue trying to convince us that the challenge idea was awesome. I continue to disagree. Angelo's vegetable course was too heavy, while Kevin's was timid, and Ed's was flavorful. Ed's fish course was confusing, Kevin's was in harmony, and Angelo's was great. Angelo fell down on the meat course, though. Ed did a great job conceiving his duck course, while Kevin executed his well. Angelo and Kevin did a wonderful job with dessert, while Ed's was shockingly pedestrian. The judges reach a decision. I reach for a second cup of coffee so I can stay awake.

Final decision. Ptom says that the winner is the chef who took the most risks, and made the best overall meal. That winner is... Kevin. The other two congratulate him. The judges do the same before the group is joined by the sous chefs and Kelly, who I guess was allowed to hang around so everyone could go back together and save on airfare. Angelo and Ed both interview that they're very happy for Kevin. Kevin himself is thrilled to be the first African American Top Chef, and can't wait to share the news with his friends, family, and the guys at the barbershop.

Tim: "Ice Cube is waiting at home to congratulate him."

So, there you go. Let's get right to the season postmortem, I guess. This... Was not a good one. It's not often that I can't really articulate why I didn't like something, but I am finding it a bit difficult to pinpoint why this season was so disappointing. Is it the whole Kenny thing? I spent the first part of the season raging against his "obvious" win being telegraphed. That feeling ruined a lot of episodes for me, so does the fact that I was wrong, wrong, wrong mean that those episodes weren't so horrendous after all? I can't go back and adjust my past self's reaction, so I still don't look at those episodes with any fondness, but how can I hold the show responsible for that?

Is it the whole Kevin thing? I made no secret of the fact that I consider him a pill, and crowning the guy who won one challenge (perhaps one and a quarter, if you count his team Quickfire) as the best of the bunch doesn't make much sense. But by the same token, Ptom said that the winner had the riskiest, best final meal, and looking back, I have to agree that that person is Kevin. His vegetable course didn't rely on meat, his cuttlefish "noodles" were a great idea, his duck was cooked the best, and his dessert was nearly declared a Singaporean national treasure on the spot. And his conduct really wasn't that bad. I'm not aching to go out for a beer with him, but he didn't annoy me half as much as other contestants have.

Is it the fact that the challenges in the final few episodes were so poorly planned? Nothing about Quickfire immunity for the final four, messing with the chefs' plans in order to pad your party menu, or composing the show-us-your-best meal of the same six proteins is a good idea. A lot of this season's challenges were brilliant, but if you end your song on a hideous, jarring chord, that's all the audience is going to remember.

Is it the fact that it's coming on the heels of a terrific season, in which any of the final four could probably have whomped the winners of any other season? Whose food would you go running for: Winner Kevin's or Third-Place Kevin's?

None of these reasons is that much cause for placing this season as my second-to-least favorite. And yet it is. Only Season 2 was worse, and that's because they could barely find the time to even mention food, because they had to spend every episode displaying a disgusting array of screaming and assault. This was a pretty genial, wonderfully diverse cast. This season had every reason to succeed. Why did it land with such a thud?

Overall Grade: C
Overall Season Grade: C-

Bite My Cockle

2010-09-10T23:30:00.000-05:00

Top Chef - Season 7, Episode 13

Previously on Top Chef: Cheeeeeeefs! Iiiiiiiiin! Spaaaaaaaace! Meals fit for the final frontier were prepared. Tiffany's mussels froze. Angelo won a shitload of prizes, while poor Tiffany was brought back down to Earth. Boo! Four chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. All the usual victuals, plus some wonderful salami. I don't know what it is about meat in stick and/or tubular form that elevates the viewing party spread to the next level, but there it is. Drinking Game Rule #13: Take a drink whenever Angelo says "heart".

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Well, there actually isn't one for once, because the chefs spend the beginning part of the episode getting themselves acclimated to Singapore after a short break at home. They reconnect in a local market, and after they spend a few minutes catching up, they're approached by Ptom and a man named Seetoh, who's identified as the "King of Singapore street food". Is there an earldom I could get in on? The chefs get up and accompany Seetoh on an exploration of the many booths and stalls that the food market has to offer. It's a scene that's fun to watch, and dear God, does it make me hungry, but there isn't much to report. Kevin says that no matter what the competition throws at him, he's going to enjoy the experience.

LabRat: "So let's go find some hookers."

At the end of the tour, the chefs spot Padma, and know it signifies a challenge ahead. Hilariously, they all cringe when they see her, as if she's the obnoxious aunt you can't escape from at Thanksgiving. Indeed, the chefs have arrived at the Quickfire Challenge, in which they must prepare street food of their own, using a wok. A ton of local ingredients have been provided. Padma is just bursting to announce the final twist: For the first time this late in the competition, the winner of the Quickfire will receive immunity in the Elimination Challenge. That... Is fucking stupid. Why is this advantage offered? To what end? I know they like throwing the chefs for a loop, but this really has no benefit for the audience. Naturally, the chefs are happier about it than I am. Padma gives the chefs half an hour to get their dishes ready, and starts the clock.

Angelo is very comfortable with preparing Asian food, and assumes an air of confidence bordering on the edge of arrogance. I've always marveled at people who say they know all about "Asian" food, as if they were masters of the entire continent and the gazillion cuisines cooked there. Everyone soon hits the first roadblock when they discover that the ingredients are marked in Cantonese. People have to choose their ingredients based on taste, which should lead to some interesting combinations. Ed obsesses over Angelo's experience, while Angelo obsesses over the vast abundance of ingredients. With five minutes left on the clock, he changes his mind and switches his main focus from crab to frogs' legs. After a mad dash to plate, time runs out.

Angelo is nervous, saying that his heart almost popped out of his shirt. DRINK! Padma and Seetoh go down the line. Angelo presents his chili frog legs, with pineapple, tomato paste, and a rambutan salad. Kelly has made a Chinese noodle dish with lobster, cockle, bean sprouts, and Chinese broccoli. Kevin has done a seafood stew with lobster, calamari, and cuttlefish, and finished it off with some mushrooms, ginger, and crispy shallots. That sounds good. Padma asks him if he's ever used a wok before, and when he admits that he hasn't, she jumps down his throat for not practicing with one during the break. He says that he spent his time studying ingredients, rather than trying to learn a new piece of equipment. And for all I've said against Kevin, and for all that I think that any professional chef should know how to use a wok, I'm with him on this one. None of the chefs can prepare for every eventuality, so he concentrated on playing to his strengths. It's a perfectly valid strategy. Ed has stir fried some noodles with black pepper sauce, steamed lobster, and gai lan (Singaporean asparagus). Eh. That sounds like something you'd get in an American restaurant dedicated to Pan-Asian food. It doesn't sound bad, just not very authentic.

Results. Seetoh has nothing but nice things to say about all four of the dishes. Angelo put a lot of nicely robust ingredients together. Kelly captured the essence of the ocean. Kevin made a complex, sophisticated cuttlefish dish. Ed infused his noodles with a ton of flavors. The winner of the challenge and its attendant immunity is... Ed. Ed is immediately all smiles. Angelo is pissed, which Ed is all too delighted by. Padma tells the chefs that immunity will play a huge role in the Elimination Challenge. Well, duh. That's why it shouldn't be offered this late. Padma keeps the crappy ideas coming by explaining that for this week's Elimination Challenge, the chefs will again be working as one team. Um... They do realize that this is part of the finale, yes? The producers are aware that this isn't episode four, where team challenges and immunity make sense? We're getting to the point where the judges have to discern very specific details of individual talent, and you're not going to find that in a chef with guaranteed safety or a dish that is affected by having to work around competitors' wishes and input. Horrifically bad planning this week. Angelo is understandably disappointed.

Let's get down to the details of this nonsense. The chefs will work as a team to cater a party hosted by Dana Cowin, who wants to see a multicultural menu. I can see why it's important to be in Singapore for a bunch of American chefs to cook for American judges at a party thrown by an American. The chefs will have to cook each dish to order, so no dumping a giant serving platter on the table and calling it a day. The chefs are dismissed back to their hotel, where they settle in to plan their menu. Kevin wants to work with cockles. Angelo waffles over chicken livers, while Kelly volunteers to make a red curry with fish and prawns. Ed is drawn to pork belly. Kelly wonders aloud if they need to make more than four dishes. "I personally don't think so," Ed says. Kevin agrees that if they weren't doing things to order, it'd be a different situation, but with the time limit, it makes more sense for each chef to focus on one thing. Kelly twists her mouth, wanting to agree, but visibly worried that it won't be impressive enough. Ed reiterates twice more that it really only makes sense for each chef to do one dish, and that's eventually what they agree to do. After that's settled, everyone just sits around tensely. Angelo interviews that everybody's hearts are on the line. DRINK!

The next day, the chefs put the finishing touches on their plans. They're still not wild about having to collaborate. Ed jokes about using the hotel jelly to make his dish, and Angelo tersely tells him he wishes that Ed would take this a little more seriously. Normally, I'd tell Angelo to lighten up, as Ed was clearly just teasing, but since Ed has that dumbass immunity, I'm with Angelo. Of course, Angelo then turns around and jokes that Ed should just serve a plateful of cilantro and bean paste, so what do I know? Ed obsesses over Angelo's experience with Asian food some more. Sigh. I was really excited for these Singapore episodes, but I've found little to like so far about anything but the tour of the street market. Speaking of which, the chefs head there to pick up additional ingredients, and must rely on the opinions of the vendors as to what the best product is. Ed discovers some fritter batter that catches his eye, and he decides on the spur of the moment that he's now going to do two dishes instead of one. Not that he shares this information with his "team". Angelo says he's happy that Ed has immunity, because it's a double-edged sword.

Tiffany: "You only think that because you don't have it."

Back at whatever kitchen they've been assigned to, the chefs get started on their one hour of prep work. Angelo whips himself into a hysterical froth. Ed needles him annoyingly, grinning in interview that he's working on getting Angelo eliminated. So far, all he's accomplished is a large need to shut the fuck up. Kevin implores his cockles to wake up. Kelly seems happy with how her prawn curry is coming along. Into this scene walks Ptom, and this is usually where I'd tell you that he spends a fair chunk of the episode Ptimewasting. But not tonight! Lest you think I'm warming up to tell you that Ptom's presence during the prep actually accomplishes something positive for once, it's actually the polar opposite. He's miffed that the chefs are only serving four dishes, and essentially orders them to double it. Got that? He's directly affecting the food prepared and the focus put into each dish, which he will then turn around and judge the quality of. What a douche.

Ed sucks up, and tells Ptom that he was planning to make two dishes all along. Oh, maybe you could find a couple of ingredients up Ptom's ass, since you seem content to root around in there. At this point, nothing about this episode has had anything to do with selecting a talented chef; it's all been reality show bullshit. So I don't see why I should spend an inordinate amount of time covering it. Let's just hit the highlights. The non-immune chefs are not pleased with Ed, but don't have time to make a big deal of it, as they need to get going on their second dishes. Kelly cuts herself, and leaks blood all over the floor. Time runs out.

Interstitial. The chefs go prawn fishing, which looks like all kinds of fun, though that's probably because they edited out all the boring parts of fishing, which is about nine-tenths.

The next day, the chefs head for the beach club where the party is taking place. After an additional ninety minutes of prep, it's go time. Angelo tells us that the chefs are cooking their hearts out. DRINK! Ed needles him some more. The Singaporean waitstaff enters, and Ed brings them up to speed on the menu. The judges get seated at their table. In addition to Padma, Gail, and Ptom, we have Seetoh and Dana Cowin. I'm blinded by the multiculturalism. Kevin's cockles won't open. They finally start to cooperate as the first orders come trickling in. There are issues with the waitstaff that mostly boil down to the language barrier, but the chefs are able to roll with the punches. The first set of dishes go out for the judges, who are wearing earpieces for some reason. Kelly has made a chilled cucumber yogurt soup with bitter melon. Everyone likes the bright zing it has. Kevin's clam chowder has "flavors of Southeast Asia", whatever that means. This is the dish with the aforementioned cockles, and the judges heartily enjoy it. Angelo's sweet-and-spicy shrimp broth has ginger and prawn dumplings. The judges love this one too, calling it complicated, yet comforting.

The next batch of dishes goes out. Angelo has a lamb tartare with a rambutan ceviche and curry oil. It's another hit. Dana doesn't usually enjoy tartares, but likes this one. Ed has sweet-and-sour pork, with crispy rice and potato cakes, finished with some gai lan. Also a hit. Ed douches at Angelo some more. I get the sense that we're supposed to find this mischievous and delightful, but honestly, he's just getting on my nerves.

Next batch. Kevin has done a 63-degree farm egg with pearl tapioca and some radish. It's his version of a congee, which was the only thing that brought me solace the last time I had the flu. It's another hit, and the riskiest thing Kevin has made in a while. Kelly has seared prawns in a spicy red coconut curry, and some crispy prawn heads on top. A guava salad is served on the side. More positive response, though Ptom is more measured about it this time. Ed has banana fritters with red chili paste. I'd be curious to try those. The judges are over the moon for them. Service winds down. Dana stands up and thanks the diners for coming to the party.

Phooey (as the guests): "Shut up, you crusty old white lady!"

Fret 'n sweat. The chefs are pretty pleased with how they operated as a team. Padma comes in and summons everyone to Judges' Table. Once they're lined up, Ptom tells them that they've put forth the best food of the season for this challenge. We get into the individual dishes, and it's mostly all good news. Angelo's tuna tartare was smooth, and his prawn soup was intense and bold. The only problem was that the soup was too thick and a bit too salty, almost as if it were a sauce instead of a soup. Gail tells him the flavors were so intense that it was kind of like a smack in the face.

Panny: "Luckily, she's into that."

Kelly's cucumber soup was terrific, but her fish had some texture issues. The curry was good, but could have used a bit more heat. Her guava/apple salad was nice and refreshing. Ed's pork was delicious, as were his fritters. His rice cakes could have used some deep frying, but otherwise, he's golden. Kevin's clam chowder was refined, but could have used some heat. Sensing a theme? His congee, on the other hand, was terrific. Seetoh says it could have used a bit of texture, but it's a minor quibble. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. Ed did a great job, despite his immunity. Ptom says that Kelly's shrimp dish was good, but didn't stand out. Here's where I would pause and ask him how he thinks her shrimp dish would taste if she had been allowed to focus on just doing that, instead of having to throw that soup together as well. Would she have done the same things? Would she have made it more complex, since she'd have had more time to think about it? Would her preparation have been cleaner if she hadn't been in such a panic and cut her hand? In other words, would Kelly's shrimp have been as disappointing if you, the HEAD JUDGE, hadn't had a direct influence on its preparation? Kelly's soup had some problems with its fish, but it was better than Angelo's salty broth. His tartare, on the other hand, was perfection. Kevin's chowder was elegant, and his congee was outstanding. Ptom thinks it would have been better with some herbaceous elements. Hang on, I have to go add "Herbaceous Elements" to the Awesome Band Name list.

Elimination. First, the winner. The theme of the season stays strong, as Ed sweeps another episode. LabRat is delighted. Limecrete is less so, though I admit that his fritters looked great. Now, to the bad news. Kelly. Please pack your knives and go. Crap, crap, crap. She gives the other chefs hugs, as Angelo begins to weep. In her final interview, she admits that the competition was a lot tougher than she thought it was going to be, which makes her thankful for what she has back home. She shakes the judges' hands, and tells them that she's a better chef because of this experience. Aw, that was sweet. She wishes she could have won, but seems as at peace with her elimination as one can be.

The final three are jazzed to make it to the finals. Who will win?!?! Will it be Lackluster Winner #1, Lackluster Winner #2, or Lackluster Winner #3?!?! The suspense is killzzzzzzzzzzzzz........... As the episode closes, Padma comes in and asks to see everyone at Judges' Table again. "Even me?" Ed says. Yes, even you, Ed. Being teacher's pet only gets you so far.

Overall Grade: C-

Beaumont, We Have a Problem

2010-09-06T11:03:00.000-05:00

Top Chef - Season 7, Episode 12

Previously on Top Chef: We got taken out to the ballgame, but nobody bought us any peanuts or Cracker Jacks. Angelo declined to help Amanda out of her jam, while Kevin declined to act like an adult. Ed won the challenge, while Amanda won a trip back home. Five chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. In addition to the usual fine spread of meats, cheeses, and wines, our gracious hosts put together a spectacular fruit salad. I'm glad I was able to get my hands on such fine peaches before summer ends. For Drinking Game Rule #12, why don't you take a nice swig whenever Ed and Tiffany interact in such a way that their partners back home probably wouldn't appreciate.

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Kevin admits he's dodged some big bullets. And how. Take a look at the seventeen chefs that started out the season, and tell me you thought he would make it to this point. Out on the smoking patio, Angelo and Kelly talk about their lives back home. Kelly misses her husband, while Angelo talks about his marriage imploding because his ex-wife's family didn't approve of his career. Huh? What's to disapprove of? It's not like he sells Shake Weights out of his basement. The chefs head out for the day.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma and Dana Cowin, who always shows up to guest judge towards the end of the season. Ed describes one of the quirks of the social media age, and tells us he's Facebook friends with her, even though he's sure she has no idea who he is. Heh. Much like last week, the challenge is fairly uninspired. All the chefs have to do is select a wine, then make a dish to pair with that wine. Even if the pairings turn out to matter a great deal -- which they won't -- this gives the chefs almost complete freedom, and thus, no restrictions to challenge their skills. This kind of Quickfire is fine once in a while, but not two in a row, and not for the final five chefs, who should have an obstacle or two. So, let's skip the wine selection and get to the good part. The "good part", incidentally, is not Padma's outfit. She looks like she needs to rush off and open doors for Upper East Side apartment dwellers. The good part is that there is a prize attached to this Quickfire. The winner gets a trip to London, which would be fantastic. I love London.

Padma starts the hour countdown, and the chefs rush off to get their ingredients. Kevin attempts to braise his pork belly in the pressure cooker. Kelly asks anyone if they've got some spare time, which confused me greatly until I realized that she was asking if anyone had some spare thyme. She's working with wild boar and blue cheese. Ed grabs a ribeye, as does Tiffany. Kevin realizes that his pork belly will never be done on time, and decides to start from scratch with quail. He's upset about the whole situation, but it's too late to do anything about it. Time runs out.

Padma and Dana go down the line. Tiffany has crusted her beef with cocoa and black pepper, and serves it atop a spring risotto. Huh, I never would have considered pepper and cocoa together. It sounds intriguing. Kevin has put forth some grilled quail with apples, and a fennel salad with apple vinaigrette. Angelo has sauteed foie gras with black salt and a fennel salad in a cumin/basil broth. WANT. That looks fantastic. Kelly has wild boar tenderloin in blackberry sauce with mache and a blue cheese emulsion. Ed's grilled ribeye is served with potato risotto and a mushroom ragout. Results. First in the bottom two is Kevin, whose quail couldn't stand up to the wine. He's followed by Kelly, whose blue cheese foam took her dish off the charts, and not in the good way. The top two are Angelo, whose dish was good and substantial, and Tiffany, who made a terrific reduction and seasoned her meat well. The winner of the challenge and the trip to London is... Angelo. He's pleased to have gotten his groove back without having to go on an expensive beach vacation and pick up Taye Diggs.

Padma tells the chefs that the final Elimination Challenge will be more important than ever, as it will determine the chefs who will go on to cook in the final rounds in... Singapore. Oh, snap! That sounds fun. Especially if they ask the chefs to impress locals with Singaporean food. Angelo tells us that he "feels Asian inside -- 100% I tingle when I think about it." Settle down, spaz. He really wants to go to the finals now, more than ever. DRINK! Padma tells the chefs that they'll be getting the details of this challenge at NASA, which geeks everyone out. Kelly happily tells us that she went to space camp when she was a kid. Nerd! Later, the chefs head to the Goddard Space Flight Center, where they're met by Ptom and Vicki Kloeris, the head food scientist for NASA. Now, I don't have anything against adults with braces, but this lady reminds me so much of a grownup version of Logainne SchwartzandGrubenierre, I'm just going to go ahead and call her Logainne for the rest of the recap. I'm gunning for firstht prizttth!

Panny: "That low lighting in the flight center is not doing her any favors."

My science nerd heart flutters when the chefs get a video message from two of the astronauts on the space station, who gamely release some freeze-dried food packets so they can float around in zero gravity. They explain that the challenge is for the chefs to make a dish that fulfills all of the requirements to be served in space, nutritionally, taste-wise, and of course, practically. So, no poached eggs, please. The winning dish will be recreated at the NASA food labs and flown up to the space station. That's pretty awesome. The chefs will be serving a table of eight diners that will include Buzz Aldrin. Logainne hints that successfully freeze-dried food will not contain a lot of sugar, nor will it be presented in gigantic chunks. Astronauts love themselves some spicy food, though. The chefs are equal parts excited and terrified at this point.

Shopping. Ed stocks up on Moroccan ingredients. Tiffany inquires after fresh whitefish. Angelo rams his cart into some poor, unsuspecting shopper. Kevin's game plan is to make comfort food to remind the astronauts of home. Back in the Kitchen, the chefs get started on their prep work. Tiffany puts some mussels in the fridge. Kevin notes with concern that the other chefs are going for more ethnic dishes, while he's focusing on pure Americana. Tiffany is proud of her sauce. Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste. The segment stays true to its name. Towards the end of prep time, Kelly discovers that the refrigerator has gotten too cold. Tiffany's mussels have frozen, and are now unusable. She gives us the titular quote that I simply could not improve upon. Back at the house, Tiffany frets, and Ed tries to buck up her spirits. Kevin tells us for perhaps the thousandth time this episode that despite his mistakes, he's resilient and will keep on fighting for the win. Consider it understood. No need for another thousand reminders.

The next day, the chefs discover a note in their kitchen. It tells them that that their ride to the challenge is waiting, and whoever wins the challenge gets to keep the car. Nice! If the prospect of getting their food shot into space wasn't enough incentive, this certainly is. Once at their destination, the chefs get an additional hour to get their food ready. The executive chef of the trade center where they're cooking tells them to ask if they need anything. Unfortunately, he's not able to provide the one thing they truly need, which is a lot more square footage. Everyone is crammed into a pretty tight space. Tiffany decides to finish her sauce a different way, since she won't be able to use her mussels. An adorable shot of her working at IHOP back in the day is shown. Angelo thinks his sauce is too sweet, and course corrects. Ed decides to leave a layer of fat on his ribs. Same goes for the ones in the pan. Thank you! I'm here all week! A frustratingly tight plating area is set up.

Out in the appropriately space-themed dining room, the diners get seated. In addition to Padma, Ptom, and Eric, we have Buzz Aldrin, Logainne, Anthony Bourdain, and astronauts Sandra Magnus and Leland Melvin. It's a good thing he's an astronaut, because if he weren't, there's nowhere for a "Leland Melvin" to go except accounting or chess-playing. Kelly's dish goes out first. She has made pan-roasted Alaskan halibut, with an artichoke and fennel barigoule, and some salsa verde. The diners like the fish a great deal, but the amount of sauce presents a problem for Logainne. "You couldn't have this much extraneous fluid in space," she says, giving me something to nonsensically quote for a week. Thanks, Logainne! Sandra likes the crunch of the artichokes, saying that it's not often a texture found in space foods.

Ed finishes up his plating in a sea of sweat. He explains his Moroccan influence to the diners, and presents yogurt-marinated rack of lamb, with an eggplant puree and a couscous croquette on hummus. That looks delightful. Again, the flavors are great, but there is a practical problem. In this case, it's the bone jutting out of the lamb. Astronauts can't wander to the curbside trashcan, so they try to generate as little waste as possible. Eric sniffs that the dish is too complicated, and Anthony nails him, saying that Ed captured the spirit of Moroccan food perfectly. Kevin has made New York strip steak with a bacon/jalapeno marmalade, corn puree, and crisped onions. Again, the food is well-received, and again, there's a bit of an issue, because there's no way the onions would be able to maintain their texture in the freeze-drying process. Sandra likes it anyway. She shares the story of a cosmonaut who left the USSR to go up into space, and by the time he came back down, it was Russia. There's a mindfuck for you. Hey, your country completely changed identities while you were gone. Hope that's okay!

Tiffany is up next, and regrets not being able to use those mussels. She's got pan-seared Alaskan halibut with a coconut curry, snow pea shoots, and jasmine rice. Not to speak for others, but I'm not sure an astronaut who downs a load of curry would be very popular with his shipmates. Eric is not wild about her sauce, saying that it doesn't really come together to elevate the halibut. Anthony loves the inclusion of fish sauce. Leland talks about greedy astronauts on the space station who didn't share their ice cream the last time he made a delivery. Well, that was a little stingy of them. He didn't exactly roll up in a van with a bell on it to deliver it. Angelo comes out with his ginger-lacquered short ribs, with a horseradish creme fraiche sauce, pickled mushrooms, and a pea puree. DRINK! Buzz enjoys the mushrooms, though he wonders how they would be packaged for a space journey. Ptom hates the candied ginger, but likes everything else. Eric again comes up with a miniscule complaint, and Bourdain again nails him for being too picky. It's kind of awesome. Back in the kitchen, Angelo is emotional, because he feels like he "put his heart on the plate". Ew. Padma thanks the diners, and dinner winds down.

Interstitial. The chefs tear into each other's leftovers, and anxiety permeates the room. Nobody out-and-out screwed up, so anyone could take the challenge at this point. Kevin reminds us again that he really, really, really wants to go to the finals. YES. WE'VE. GOT. IT.

Judges' Table. What's this? Odd Asian Music and Gong are back! Here I thought they were gone forever. Welcome! All the chefs come into the dining room. Ptom congratulates them on a wonderful meal, and tells them that the difference between the winner and loser is very small. That will be cold comfort to the losing chef, but it's nice to hear that everyone turned it out. Bourdain tells Ed that a million things could have gone wrong with his Moroccan dish, but nothing did, and he really pulled it off. Eric says that it was too complicated, but clearly shows that Ed has talent. Tiffany's fish was well-cooked, but her tomatoes were a bit mealy, and the skin on the peppers was bitter. Tiffany explains her troubles with the mussels, and the judges seem to understand what she was aiming for. Bourdain wishes she would have used a stronger fish to stand up to her sauce.

Kelly's artichokes were perfect. Angelo's crystallized ginger was too sugary, but the rest of the plate was great. Angelo responds that he wanted to focus on precision, and that he feels like he "made love" to his short ribs. I'm starting to sense that Angelo's choice of profession was not his ex-wife's problem; it's that he constantly says things like that. Bourdain admits that he has no idea what Angelo is blathering on about, but that he loved the dish. Kevin's meat was cooked perfectly, and the bacon/jalapeno sauce gave it a nice kick. Ptom's only problem was that he wishes the steak would have been cut thicker. Because it's not like Logainne specifically warned the chefs against doing just that. Except for the part where she did. Nimrod. Anthony calls his dish a bit safe, but Kevin is ready for that one, admitting that he was purposely aiming for familiar, comforting food. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. Ed accomplished his goals, had a nice presentation, and displayed great technique. Eric's favorite was Kelly's dish, but her food wasn't particularly creative. Angelo's plate was great, though Ptom harps again on the ginger. Kevin paid attention to the astronauts' wishes, and his food was delicate, if a bit boring. Tiffany's curry sauce was great, but she had multiple little problems that all worked against her. The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. First, the good news. The challenge winner will not only have their food served in space, and not only get a copy of Bourdain's new book, and not only win a car, and not only move onto the finals in Singapore, but has been invited to watch one of the two remaining shuttle launches at Cape Canaveral. Damn, tonight's winner is cleaning up! That winner is... Angelo, who has won all those prizes in addition to his Quickfire London trip. For once, he's struck almost speechless, and needs some time to process all this good news. He's dismissed back to the Kitchen. Now, for the bad news. Each of the remaining four chefs did an admirable job, but someone has to be the unlucky one to go home. Tiffany. Please pack your knives and go. NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Kevin thanks Jesus. Oh, shut up, prick. Jesus hates you.

Tiffany thanks the judges for the opportunity, and goes back to the Kitchen, where Angelo gives her a giant hug. In her final interview, she tells us that it's difficult to come so far and not be able to go on to the finals. It's hard for us too, girl! The remaining chefs come back to say good-bye. Ed sings Tiffany's praises as he hugs her. DRINK! Tiffany is naturally upset, but tells us that she's happy to have been part of the competition. And don't forget the free wedding and honeymoon you got! That should help cheer you up on the trip back home.

Overall Grade: B

Seventh Inning Retch

2010-08-29T11:52:00.009-05:00

Top Chef - Season 7, Episode 11

Previously on Top Chef: Enough intrigue and espionage to keep Harriet M. Welsch happy for a long time. Frozen puff pastry continued its reign as some sort of Harry Potterish cursed object, nearly bringing Angelo down. Tiffany swept the challenges, while Alex kept a stiff upper lip on his way out the door. Six chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. It was the Week of Rapidly Disintegrating Ingredients in our apartment, so I made some banana bread before the scent of overripe fruit could completely take over, and LabRat yanked some of the final tomatoes from the garden to make salsa. Both were well-received, though nothing could compete with the summer sausage Timiffany laid out. That was one tasty pig. Hop on board for Drinking Game Rule #11: Take a drink for every horrible wordplay phrase or pun that Ptom utters. Including the one revisited in the "Previously on" segment. DRINK!

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Angelo is hitting all the usual stops of people trying to encourage success without doing the heavy lifting. We zoom through mantras, prayer, and motivational speeches. Not to say that Angelo doesn't put the work in. I just think it would take less time to examine your choices and try to avoid poor decisions, rather than set up a shrine to Mario Batali in your closet. The only other thing you need to know? Ed prancing around the house wearing Tiffany's dress. The shocking thing is that it fits pretty darn well.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma and this week's guest judge, Rick Moonen. He's familiar to us as a Top Chef: Masters contestant, and nobody at the viewing party likes him. How's that for a quick bio? Padma must have traveled through time to hear me whining about how bad the cliches and puns are on this show, and starts spewing food idioms one after the other just to twist the knife. Or maybe those food idioms are the basis for this week's challenge. Whichever. The chefs will each select a saying that incorporates food and cook a dish using that very food. Meh. In essence, all the challenge is asking is: "Pick an ingredient. Make a dish with it." The idioms have little to do with the actual cooking. What does have an effect is that the winning dish will be incorporated into a line of frozen foods. The picking order is randomly determined via knife pull:

Kevin - "Bringing Home the Bacon"
Amanda - "The Big Cheese"
Kelly - "Sour Grapes"
Ed - "Hot Potato"
Tiffany - "Spill the Beans"
Angelo - "Bigger Fish to Fry"

The chefs have an hour to put their dishes together, and Padma starts the countdown. Everyone scatters. Amanda decides to make macaroni and cheese, saying that a good version of it would certainly be welcome in the frozen food aisle. I can't argue with that. Ed certainly does. He interviews that she's just been lucky to have lasted as long as she has, because she's sloppy and has no technique. I seem to have a temporary case of Mother Hen Syndrome, because that struck me as unnecessarily harsh. Even if it's true. Angelo calls her a "dark horse", implying she'll sneak right by you if you underestimate her. Tiffany opens a can of beans, saying that cooking dried beans would take too long. Angelo and Ed dash around the Kitchen, giving Kelly a chance to tout her own organization and calm. Last minute panic strikes everyone else, and a mad dash to get everything plated ensues. Time runs out, and Rick and Padma go down the line.

Ed has made herb and roasted garlic gnocchi with spring vegetables and a mushroom fricassee. Tiffany wants to play up her fish skills for Rick, and has made pan-seared cod over stewed beans, Swiss chard, bacon, and carrots. Kevin has made bacon three ways: bacon puree, chopped bacon with snap peas, and a bacon froth with a poached egg on top. Tasty as that sounds, there are major problems here, and Angelo echoes the viewing party's sentiments when he says that Kevin did not consider the challenge parameters when making his dish. I'd take it back even further and say that he didn't consider the challenge parameters when choosing his ingredient. Bacon is one of the most delicious things on the planet, but it's not something you go hunting for in the frozen food aisle. And if there was one thing to make bacon even more inappropriate for a frozen meal, it's to feature foam and a poached egg. I'm guessing the last time you were strolling past the Totino's Party Pizzas you weren't thinking to yourself, "You know, what I really want to pop in the oven is a frozen poached egg and reconstituted bacon bubbles."

Kelly has made pan-roasted chicken breast, and serves it with caramelized Brussels sprout leaves, golden raisins, and a red grape sauce. Angelo has chili-crusted tilapia satay, with an Asian tartar sauce, sambal, and Sriracha. Sounds like spicy on top of spicy on top of spicy. Angelo tries to quickly outline his complicated procedure for breading his fish in cornstarch to get a glutenous coating. Rick has no feedback. Amanda's macaroni and cheese includes three cheeses, bacon, mushrooms, and jalapenos. To each his own, but for this mushroom-hater, she's just ruined a classic. For no reason that I can think of, she's also cooked a pork chop to serve alongside the mac and cheese.

Results. First in the bottom two is Kelly, whose grapes did not meld well with Brussels sprouts. The only thing that melds well with Brussels sprouts is a trashcan. Amanda's mac and cheese was far too heavy. She disagrees in interview, saying that she can usually get behind the judges' critiques of her food, but not in this case. On the plus side, Kevin's dish featured bacon in a nice, light way. Ed's gnocchi was well-thought and well-executed. For all the reasons discussed above, the winner is pretty much a foregone conclusion, and indeed, Ed takes the challenge. Angelo takes a little shot at him in interview, saying that Ed will look good on the packaging, since he kind of looks like a potato. I've been talking about Potato Faces in movies and on TV for years, but can't ever articulate what I mean. To paraphrase a more well-known quote: I may not be able to define Potato Face, but I know it when I see it.

Elimination Challenge. This one makes a lot more sense than the Quickfire. The chefs will be going to the Nationals' stadium to make fine dining versions of concession stand food. Rather than serving hordes of fans (except...well, you'll see), the dishes will be served during the pre-game. The chefs think the challenge sounds like grand fun, until Padma tells them that although they'll be presenting six dishes, they'll all be working together as one team. Faces fall. Amanda recalls the chaos of putting together a menu the last time everyone had to work together. Of course, Kenny's not around to crow about being such an awesome alpha male anymore, so theoretically, there should be a lot less dick measuring this time around. Let's find out.

Padma gives the chefs fifteen minutes to plan. Tiffany gets on my nerves for the first time when she whines about Kelly having the audacity to... Are you ready? Talk a lot during the brainstorming session. I really don't understand where all of the anti-Kelly sentiment springs from in this household. Sure, she can be a little supercilious, but not to the degree that other people should be this upset over it. In fact, this complaint comes in the middle of Kelly's very intelligent idea that the menu doesn't have to be cohesive, but should have variety, lest the judges tear into them for not collaborating enough. Amanda hops on board with Tiffany, saying that Kelly's always thinking about herself. Yeah, Kelly. Why can't you just consider Amanda's feelings, and let her win the season? It's not like you're competing against her or anything. I've said before that being in a competition doesn't excuse you for being a dick, but the flip side applies as well. You should be respectful of your competitors, but that doesn't preclude you from doing your level best to beat them. In other words, I'm sure you're a lovely person, but you just landed on my Marvin Gardens hotel. Pay up, please.

In the end, it's decided that as long as nobody's dish is too similar to anyone else's, it's pretty much everyone for themselves. Sounds good to me. The chefs split their $2000 budget up and head for the store. Angelo dithers over buns. Wow, I'll never need that sentence again, ever. Amanda wants to "make a statement" by making tuna tartare. Well, I'm sure she'll be successful if the statement she wants to make is "Please avoid my food at all costs." Hey, I love tuna tartare. Just not when it's been sitting in the open air for hours. Kevin agrees with me, saying it's "not baseball food". I'm not sure we should be running to someone who just screwed up the notion of "frozen food" for semantic arguments, but I can't fault him on this one.

Later, the chefs get to the Kitchen for three hours of prep time. Angelo worries, because the pork he's cooking needs two and half hours to braise. Better get hopping then, Sparky. Tiffany decides to emulate a booth at the Texas state fair that serves sausage and peppers, and works on rolling up a gazillion meatballs. Amanda chops up her tuna in advance, not wanting to do a temperature-sensitive technique in a kitchen she has yet to see. One wonders where this methodical thinking process was when she was conceiving her dish. Ed and Kevin complain about Amanda going to Angelo for advice about putting her tuna through a meat grinder. If I were more kindly disposed, I'd agree that putting faith in Angelo's ideas sure didn't do Tamesha any good, but they're on a single team, all she's asking about is grinding tuna meat, and you two sound like naggy tools. Huh. I guess that Mother Hen Syndrome has evaporated.

Ed has to make more than five hundred shrimp and corn poppers, and is racing to get done on time. He runs around the Kitchen, hysterically snapping at Tiffany and crashing into racks of pans, making for a very comedic off-screen sound effect. Angelo ribs him for being a Tasmanian devil that runs around the Kitchen, and somehow manages to avoid being struck by lightning. Ed manages to finish with just a few seconds to spare. That night at the house, the chefs realize that there will be no waitstaff to rudely order around this time. They'll have to serve the food themselves. That leads to some logistical problems, since nobody knows if plates will just be set out, or they'll have to take individual orders. Kelly worries aloud that she has to cook her crabcakes in batches, so she's not sure how taking orders can work. Angelo calls her "strategical". Really, Dubya? Is she part of a "nucular" family, too? Kevin shrugs that they really can't make any decisions until they see what they have to work with, and Angelo unwisely responds with "I'll do it." That's all Kevin has to hear to completely abdicate himself from any responsibility or problems having to do with service.

Nationals Park. The chefs arrive at the narrow little concession kitchen and get an hour to finish up their food. Kevin tells us that Angelo is in charge of taking orders, but that he doesn't really trust him. Well pick one, you whiny baby. You can be happy that Angelo gets to deal with all the service issues and you get to avoid them, or you can be happy that you don't trust him to do a good job and he'll screw up in front of the judges. You don't get to sit there and complain that someone isn't doing a good enough job of shooting himself in the foot. God, what it is about Kevin? He isn't the most objectionable contestant we've ever seen -- not by a long shot. In fact, he's pretty middle-of-the-road; no more interesting than, say, Nikki. But every time he opens his mouth, I just want to shove a grapefruit in it.

Phooey: "Damn, there sure are a lot of bitches this season."

The chefs do their best to find the space and equipment they need. Angelo realizes what a mistake he made the previous evening. He's only now figuring out that he can't take/deliver orders and plate his food. Of course, having someone else plate his food isn't an option because they might intentionally screw him over. How, I don't know. Arrange his pork unattractively? Stiff the judges on sauce? Angelo attempts to wriggle out of his lackluster commitment by handing out order pads so other chefs can take orders, and Kevin immediately shuts him down. He interviews that no matter what type of restaurant you work in, attempting to have everyone handle both service and cooking leads to a completely dysfunctional situation. He somehow manages to be entirely correct, and yet is still such a dick about it that I want to defend Angelo. I won't, but I have to admit the impulse was there. They finally cobble together a system of who's going to cook, who's going to plate, and who's going to serve. Once it's all settled, Ed tells Angelo he's changed his mind, and can't help him out anymore. "Are you joking?" Angelo says with horror. "Yeah," Ed responds. Ha! Nice one. Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste with some of the Nationals players. There's that one guy, that other guy, and that other other guy.

Kender: "Don't worry that you've never heard of any of them. They're the Nationals."

The players wander around the tight space, inspecting the food, chatting with the chefs, and just generally getting in the way. The chefs are relieved when they finally leave. Kelly is concerned that her bacon might make her crabcake sandwich too salty, and that the judges will disapprove of serving it open-faced. There's nothing she can really do about it now, though, and she just hopes for the best. Speaking of which, Amanda notices that the laws of chemistry do not suspend themselves for her, and the tuna that's been sitting in the open air is oxidizing and losing all its color. Angelo declines to help (in interview), though he knows some secrets for improving her food. Tiffany is more upstanding, and offers some helpful critiques of Kevin's chicken skewer. She doesn't want anyone to be eliminated based on something she's done, said, or hasn't said. Good for her. A slapdash menu is hung above the counter. Ed is passive-aggressive about Angelo taking up some space, and Angelo offers a terse suggestion that they just find a solution without all the petty bitching. Time winds down. Hungry patrons swarm in.

Service begins. Angelo calls out orders. Kelly and Tiffany's dishes are immediately pegged as crowd favorites. They're thrilled to be so popular. The baseball players return to get one of each dish so they can help judge. I'd worry that all this fried food won't do their game any favors, but it's the Nationals, so nobody cares. They pretty much like every dish, though one of the guys thinks that Ed's fritters are like biting into a caterpillar. Once they've eaten, they wander off, not stopping to talk to any of the fans who try to engage them in conversation. Well... Thanks for stopping by, guys. That was invaluable. Other fans happily munch on their gourmet snacks in the stands. The judges stop by the counter. Padma actually looks quite good in a simple Nationals jersey. Certainly better than she looks in "high-fashion" armadillo tank tops and ridiculous sun hats.

Kelly has a an open-faced crabcake BLT with a spicy herb aioli and sweet potato fries seasoned with Old Bay. Tiffany has an Italian meatball sub with tomato marinara, fennel, a basil pesto, and mozzarella. Amanda's got a tuna tartare with fennel, mushrooms, lemon, and a fava bean puree. That doesn't sound good, and not just because of the mushrooms and oxidized tuna. She knows she's in trouble, presentation-wise, but likes the flavor of her dish. Rick gives her props for gumption, but indeed, the sickly gray appearance of the tuna gives Eric pause. Ptom does enjoy the vegetables, but doesn't mention the fish itself. Kelly's crabcake has excellent flavor, but Padma does detect a lot of salt coming from the bacon. As the judges taste Tiffany's dish, a short clip of a fan pointing to her meatball sub and asking "Is this a meatball sub?" is shown. Let us pray that this fan has nothing to do with lawmaking. Or education. Or healthcare. Or anything, really. The sub is very popular with the judges, though Eric finds it a bit challenging to eat.

Angelo watches Ed put one of his sandwiches together. "More pickle?" Ed asks. "Yes. That's what she said," Angelo responds. Heh. Always a classic. When alien excavators dig down to this era's cultural relics, they're going to find a lot of "That's what she said" and "Your Mama" jokes. Works for me! Both Angelo and Ed are calmer, and happy to have found a balance in the service. Angelo interviews that Kevin is still being sulky about the whole thing. The judges return for the rest of their food. Angelo has made sweet glazed pork on a lobster roll (aka - hot dog bun), with spicy cucumber, Asian pear, and sweet sesame pickles. Kevin has a chicken kabob with Romesco sauce, scallions, shoestring fries, and a smoked paprika aioli. Ed has shrimp and corn risotto fritters, with a jalapeno aioli. Flavor aside, he's just happy that he managed to get them all done in time.

The judges have nothing but nice things to say about the fritters. They've got nice heat and texture, especially given the challenging serving conditions. Kevin's worried, because his dish is not getting ordered a lot. He wanted to give some crunch by putting his shoestring fries on top of the chicken, but ironically, crunch is the last thing he gets. Eric says that the fries became soggy from sitting on top of the sauce and hot chicken. Various fans aren't impressed, either. Angelo's pork is tasted. Hilariously, one of the fans is wearing a shirt that exactly matches the food basket. Nice camouflage! Angelo's use of the hot dog bun sinks him. It's too doughy, and kills the flavor and finish of his pork. Various fans talk about which of the dishes were their favorites. Ptom supposes that the chefs must have worked together well to serve so many people, but "there's no I in team". No, but there's a me!

Interstitial. Angelo talks to his Russian fiancee on the phone. He does not pull a Mel Gibson, so it's all very boring.

When we come back, a bit of that night's baseball game is played. I can't claim to be the biggest sports fan in the world, but there is a fun sort of energy that comes from living in a city with such baseball fever. Plus, I get to make fun of this:

Wow! Those seats must be upwards of 1/10 full! Parking must be a nightmare! In the fret 'n sweat, Angelo fiddles with a baseball. Kelly is amazed that after all these challenges, her stomach still feels sick as she waits for the results.

Tim: "That's actually the tuna tartare."

Padma enters, and summons everyone to Judges' Table. When they enter the dining room, Padma asks Angelo how it was decided that he expedite the food. He brings up his volunteering the night before the game, and Tiffany stops him, wanting to air the full saga of how Angelo wound up having to stick to his offer, despite his attempt to back out. Kevin, sensing an opportunity, makes sure to tell the judges how shitty he thought Angelo's behavior was, because after all, no takesies backsies. I don't really understand the point of hashing this all out at Judges' Table, since service wasn't an issue for good OR ill, but I guess some people aren't happy unless they've got something to complain about.

Moving on to food. Ed's fritters were hot and creamy on the inside, and his sauce was nicely spicy. His was a very tidy dish, which Tiffany's was not. Still, the judges loved the flavors. Tiffany giggles, and admits that she's one of those people who insists on a bit of juice spurting out of hamburgers and the like. Everyone has a good chuckle. That's the top two, and Rick gets to announce the winner. This season has had an impressive number of episode sweeps, and the streak continues, as Ed takes the challenge. He wins Rick's book and a trip to Australia. It's pretty telling that upon winning the book, Ed's face reads "Oh. Thanks, I guess," and upon winning the trip, he cracks into a wide grin. Enjoy Australia! I hope it takes your mind off of... Well, other stuff. Ed and Tiffany are dismissed.

Once they're gone, the judges turn to the other chefs. Amanda took an admirable risk, but it didn't pay off. Her fish gave off an air of not being fresh. Ptom asks the others if they would have tartared their fish the day of the challenge, rather than the day before. Naturally, Kevin is the only one to answer, saying that he wouldn't have even chosen that dish, but if he had, he certainly would have done it the day of. You know who Kevin is? Kevin is that guy who took names of people that were talking when the teacher was out of the room, then complained on the playground because nobody wanted to play Four Square with him. Ptom tells Amanda that maybe it would have been worth it to be in a time crunch in service of better food. I actually don't fault her for trying to do as much the day before as possible, but she certainly doesn't explain her thought processes well here. Kevin is told that he had a good idea, but his concept didn't come across in the food. The skewer was too long, the fries were soggy, and the whole thing just came across as disappointing. Kevin says that he was trying to get all of his flavors stacked so they could be eaten as one bite, and Ptom tells him that that's wholly unnecessary.

Kelly's crabcakes had excellent flavor, though they lacked a little crunch, and the sandwich was a touch too salty. So it was fine, but not outstanding. Angelo's pork was cooked well, but the flavor got sucked into a doughy piece of bread. He should know better, since he runs a sandwich shop. Padma adds that in addition to the bread, the rest of the components were too sweet. Angelo says he put Napa cabbage in to cut the sweetness, but he can't snow this panel; Eric points out that Napa cabbage is plenty sugary in and of itself. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. Kevin's plate had too much going on, and his aioli and Romesco sauce were too similar to each other. His skewer was so long, fans and judges alike were spearing their own uvulas. I don't think that should be taken too seriously into account, but I do like to say "uvula". Putting his fries on top of the skewer was pointless and counterproductive. Amanda should have cut her tuna later. Her vegetables were good, but Eric is literally offended by her final product's appearance. Angelo didn't correct the problems with his pork's flavors, and his spongy bread sucked all the juice out. Kelly's crab was great, but the rest of her components didn't do her any favors. "It is what it is," Kelly drones back in the Kitchen. DRINK! The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. Ptom tells the chefs that they were supposed to make ballpark food, but unfortunately they "made a few errors." ERRORS, GET IT?!?!?!?! BECAUSE IT'S BASEBALL?!?!?! ISN'T THAT HILARIOUS?!?!?!?! Sigh. And when you're done sighing, DRINK! Kelly got the crab right, but nothing else. Amanda's tuna was too oxidized to enjoy. Kevin's fries were soft. Angelo's sandwich was sweet and soggy. Padma delivers the bad news. Amanda. Please pack your knives and go. She thanks the judges for the "awesome opportunity". She gives Kevin and Angelo a hug, and pulls Kelly into a reluctant hug back in the Kitchen. She tells us with great import that this is an experience that she is going to remember for the rest...of her life. Well, yeah. Who wouldn't? She's sad to leave, and proud that she's the only sous chef to have made it this far. She also made it to the final six without winning a single challenge, but I guess I can't expect her to be as jazzed about that accomplishment.

Overall Grade: B-