The Girls Are 1940s Pinups

America's Next Top Model - Season 5, Episode 7

Previously on America's Next Top Model: Coryn and Fugly Lisa didn't get along. Nike and Jayla didn't get along. Jayla and reality didn't get along. Coryn and staying on the show didn't get along. Seven girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

I usually don't mention the credits, but it's pretty funny that we're only about halfway through the season, yet I can hardly remember Ashley. Somehow, I doubt I'm missing much. At the model pad, Nike reminds us how Jayla stole her secret. Well, as she's interviewing this we see a shot of her eating ice cream in bed, so it looks like you've stolen Nicole's secret, Nike. Or maybe it's cereal. Whatever. The upshot is that Nike's still upset. Jayla interviews that because Nike is treating her coldly, she must not a mature enough person to "handle the situation". I know that Nike blew the whole secret thing out of proportion, and I know that you're not really beholden to treat your competitors with the utmost kindness, but come on. I guess Nike could chop Jayla's hair off in the middle of the night so that she could get ahead in the competition, and Jayla wouldn't get upset. Or if she did, she's just not mature enough to handle the situation. Anyway, that was last week, so let's put that unpleasantness behind us and get to some fresh unpleasantness.

Morning. Tyra bursts into the model pad and tells the girls they'll be doing a photo shoot with her as the coach. Bre's excited about this. Tyra explains that it's going to be a black and white shot, but unlike the glamour shots of Cycle 1, this one's going to be "edgy and mysterious". There's actually not much to say about the shoot itself. I mean, there's a bit with Nike in the confessional wherein she wears very unflattering glasses and looks like a goon, and there's a part where Tyra gives Kim instructions on what kind of face to give to the camera, and she gives the same dead-eyed expression we've been seeing from her since day one, but that's about it. Oh, and that they seem to zoom through the girls really quickly. Not many left, are there?

That evening, Tyra Mail awaits. Nicole opens it. We can clearly see that it reads "Are you a diamond in the rough?", but Nicole screams and shouts "You are going to Paris tomorrow!!!" The girls shriek in excitement, but quickly discover that she's put one over on them. Hahahahaha! That was so awesome. They laugh off Nicole's joke good-naturedly. Fugly Lisa is sporting a top that looks like something my grandmother would wear. She and Nicole scream again, and the scream actually echoes into the next shot. Heh.

Kyle and Kim lay in their beds talking. We hear the most out of Kyle we've ever heard (uh, oh - you know what lots of screentime in an episode means) as she talks about how she followed her boyfriend to the college of his choice. Kim is aghast that Kyle would choose where to live based on where her boyfriend went. Well, not all of us can have an open relationship that allows us to suck face with large-lipped Missourians on national television, Kim. We get a short interview with Jayla, who says that Kyle isn't very intelligent. I get the feeling the editors don't like Jayla much. They really like to make her look nasty. Not that she needs much help, it seems. The next morning, the Monster Humvee takes the girls to Camp Technique, which is the dumbest name for any camp, ever. There's a trainer there who spouts some bullshit about how models need to be tough, but it's all really just an excuse to make the girls go through a filthy obstacle course. Fugly Lisa is jumping up and down in excitement. Now, I know I've been ragging on Lisa from the very start of the show. Certainly, if I ever had to live with or work with her, I'd probably wind up braining her with a frying pan. But on the show? She's kind of awesome. Think how boring things would be if she weren't getting all drunk and talking to plants and fighting with Coryn and lurching around the model pad covered in bubbles.

Fugly Lisa is up first, and she handles the obstacle course with aplomb. She's in heaven as she wriggles her way backward through a mud pit. The trainer lets the audience in on the secret that the real objective for them being there is to get them dirty. Well, duh. Fugly Lisa hugs the trainer to get mud all over him. Heh. Nicole's face is already scrunched up in disgust. Jayla goes through. She actually gets perfectly rounded mud marks on her boobs. How'd she do that? Bre. Kim. Kyle. She interviews that she can feel the mud going down her pants. Ew. I don't mind getting dirty, but yeah. Mud in the crack is not the best feeling. Nicole's a big baby about it. The front of her shirt has barely any mud on it when she's through, but she still claims she's going to barf. It's mud, not horse shit, princess. Hehehehe. Nike. Oh, Nike. As she runs the course, her pants keep coming down. And not just a little bit down, but full on pixelized ass down. Even Jayla's impressed with how Nike finished the course with her pants practically around her ankles. We even get *bawhoop!* sound effects as she yanks them back up several times. I'm loving this episode. The trainer gives the girls some more Tyra Mail, and we see them lined up. Fugly Lisa is covered in mud from head to toe. She's nothing if not enthusiastic. The Tyra Mail tells them...well, basically nothing, but they figure out that they'll have to do some sort of challenge covered in grime. They exchange looks of exasperation.

Commercials. I really don't get that commercial with the guy bolting out of the restaurant to get a Subway sandwich delivered to his table, but it doesn't have Jared in it, so I'm not complaining.

The girls get into the Monster Humvee, the seats of which are covered in plastic. Heh. Nicole's still whining about being dirty. Yes, we get it, dear. They arrive at their destination, and the driver is sure to stand clear as a stanky Bre emerges. Heh again. This episode is full of "heh". The girls go inside. Bre walks downstairs to find three staffers from ELLEgirl magazine. One of the women explains that it's a go-see, and the challenge is to let your natural personality shine through, despite being muddy. Most of the girls do fine. One of the staffers asks Jayla what makes her different (because the magazine culture for young girls is all about being unique, right? Hah.), and she replies that she's unique because she listens to hardcore rock or whatever. What a rebel! The staffers take Polaroid shots of everyone. Head staffer lady gathers the girls and says that the winner of the challenge will win a day with a fashion industry insider to get some tips on being a real model. Sounds pretty dull, but is probably helpful for them. They go down the line and critique the girls. Nothing too earth-shattering is revealed. The winner is Fugly Lisa, since she exuded so much energy and confidence. Yep, that sounds like her. Kim is in the confessional, sounding bitter about Fugly Lisa's win. I'd probably be more sympathetic to anyone else saying the same thing, but I'm not feeling too bad for Queen Deadeye, there. Stop being such a sucky poser if you want to win some challenges, Kim.

Back at the model pad, Nicole is harassing people about hurrying up in the shower. Does she not like being dirty? How come she's never said anything about it? We intercut a few times to Fugly Lisa's reward, which is as dull as I feared, so we'll just ignore it. In the model pad, Jayla's waiting her turn at the shower, and is laying on a towel on her bed. Kim walks by and kind of yells at her about getting onto the bed when she's so filthy. Man, Kim is bugging me today. It's not your bed, and she's got a towel down, so shut up. Jayla has another semi-nasty interview about how she thinks Kim is cranky because she's not doing well in the competition. For once, I agree with Jayla. Kim gets a point for self-awareness as she interviews basically the same thing: she's not doing as well as she'd like to be. Kim's a bad model. She just is. The Tyra Mail that evening tells them to be ready at 8:15 AM for a photo shoot that has something to do with cars.

And hey, here's morning now! Kim and Kyle have breakfast outside. Kim is nervous about the photo shoot; Kyle plucks her eyebrows. Ouch. The girls meet OJ at the photo shoot. For no specific reason, he looks even uglier and more plasticine than usual. There's some gross product placement, then OJ explains that the girls will be dressed as kind of a modern version of Vargas pinup girls. Fugly Lisa knows exactly what he's talking about. I love the 1940's pinup girls. And really, all that sort of pulp art. It certainly doesn't have to be women. Kyle is happy that the shoot requires them to be so girly, but Kim is even more nervous than she was before.

Commercials. I don't exactly know why, but I find that Juicy Fruit commercial with the skinny white kid and the black lady having a tug o' war over the gum completely endearing.

Kim gets a red wig pulled onto her head. Jayla interviews that she's fairly confident about the photo shoot. Ruth, the stylist assistant, helps the girls into their corsets. She tells them to let her know when they can't breathe anymore, and then she'll tighten it some more. Hee. Fugly Lisa's up first again. Richard, the photographer, goes over her poses, and she does really well. She's nothing if not versatile. OJ is impressed too. Jayla looks fairly good, but I don't like her smile. It's a fakey smile. My sister gets that smile when she knows somebody's about to take her picture. It's not flattering. That's why you've got to catch her off guard. Jayla doesn't have that luxury. Nicole is boring. Kim looks really pretty. She's still not terrific with the posing, and OJ warns her against being too butch, but she manages to pull out a good shot or two. How on Earth did they get her dress on without disturbing the wig? I'm not impressed with Nike's outfit. I don't think pinup girls in the '40s wore wife-beaters. Still, she gives some very cute "oopsie!" type poses. Kyle looks fantastic. Nike agrees with me. Jayla, predictably, doesn't. Let's get Jayla's third nasty interview quote verbatim. "Everyone says that Kyle is so beautiful, but I really think that Kyle lacks a lot of depth. I really think that she has next to no personality." Kyle's not pretty because...she lacks depth? Does Jayla even listen to herself? Here, let me give it to her in terms she'll understand. "Jayla, everyone says that you're really smart, but I disagree because your teeth are yellow." Bre is purty. Her hair looks great. She's having problems with the corset, though. Richard says that something's holding her back. Yeah, that'd be laced fabric crushing her ribs, genius. Tyra Mail waits for them back at the pad. Hey, guess what's happening tomorrow! Someone's getting eliminated. Aw. The girls decide to hit the town while they still have time so they go to a club. Everyone dances around. It looks fun, though they can't stop themselves from hashing out who's going to get cut.

Commercials. There are no commercials worth discussing, even to insult, so I'll just say: how come there aren't commercials for light bulbs anymore? When was the last time we saw a lightbulb ad? 1996?

We go into the Chamber of Doom on a shot of Tyra in black and white, then as a pinup girl. The pinup shot is ruined by the fact that she's holding a cell phone. Miss J's hair looks ridiculous. I hate to say it, but I'm getting tired of him. The guest judge is Richard, the pinup photographer. The final challenge is for the girls to make themselves look sexy from clothes provided in the back within three minutes. They dress frantically. Fugly Lisa dresses very casually, which looks OK, but I wouldn't call sexy. Whatever is diametrically opposed to sexy, that's how Nicole looks. Bre's in men's underwear. She looks tons better once she takes her hair down. Miss J calls Kyle's outfit "Housewife's Choice" and I have to agree. It's not sexy in the least. Jayla looks good; kind of beach sexy, if that means anything. Nike's the first girl to dress up, looking nice in a simple black dress. I wish she'd stop pulling her hair back, though. It doesn't suit her. I think Kim looks silly in her tennis outfit. Nigel defends her, as always. She's not going to sleep with you, Nigel.

Photo evaluations. Fugly Lisa's up first yet again. The judges love her black and white shot, in which she's scowling at the camera. I like it too. I'm not sure if they were going for a kind of National Geographic feel, but that's what they got. The judges love her pinup shot as well. Bre. The judges like her B&W more than I do. I think it's kind of dull. The pinup shot is so-so as well. Her body looks good, but she looks distracted, as if she's concentrating mostly on the corset. Jayla. Her B&W is OK, except for a crooked pinky, but I'm not feeling the pinup one, again because of the face. It looks like she was about to smile, but the camera went off a half-second too early. Nike. Her B&W is great. Her pinup is good, despite a crappy outfit. There's also some blah-blah about how she needs to create curves that aren't there with body fat that's not there. Yeah, I don't know. Nicole. Her eyes look good in the B&W, but it's kind of boring. Miss J says her presence is "laxadaisical". Don't use the big words until you've got them down, J. Stick with "blah" and "fierce". Tyra harps on Nicole's habit of muttering a defensive "OK" whenever they give her a critique. I've never noticed that, but whatever. She says she'll work on it. Nicole's pinup turned out better than I thought it would. Kyle. Her B&W is pretty edgy for her. The judges like her body language in the pinup shot, but not the face. Kim. She's got a boring B&W, but wow, did she pull out that pinup shot. The judges are as shocked as I am that it looks so good. Tyra dismisses them so the judges can deliberate. The girls blink a lot.

Commercials. Go away, Emeril. Your schtick was tired ten seconds after you thought it up.

Deliberations. The judges savage Kyle for no particular reason. Seeing Jayla's photographs side-by-side, I really think she has the weakest of the bunch. I may be letting some personal bias in because I don't like her, but that's really what I see. The judges don't seem to agree. Nicole is pretty, but always looks the same. The judges aren't very happy with Bre, either. Time for the elimination. Kim is safe. Fugly Lisa. Nike. Jayla. Nicole. Tyra manages to give her quite the backhanded compliment about how beauty is not only skin deep. Meow. Will Bre and Kyle please step forward? Well, this sucks. I like both of these girls. Not only that, but I felt that there wasn't much suspense, because the judges have come down on Bre a lot these past few weeks, so it was pretty obvious that she'd be the one to go, especially since Kyle has been rocking the challenges. But the judges manage to sucker punch me by handing Bre her photos. What? Kyle is cut? No! She cries. I'm getting a little misty, myself. She's surprised to be going home, saying she thought she was going to go farther. Jeez, me too. And I wish you had, Kyle. *sniff*

Next week on America's Next Top Model: Cycle 3 winner Eva stops by, and Kim lusts over her. Down girl. Fugly Lisa throws down with some wild boys.

Overall Grade: B+

We're Getting Out of the Country, Girls

The Amazing Race - Season 8, Episode 5

Previously on The Amazing Race: The show tried to make us feel better about the South's horrific losses in Hurricane Katrina by showing us the most boring parts of it. I do hope that magnificent roadside office chair managed to survive the onslaught. Six families remain. Who will (or won't) be eliminated tonight?

Credits. Stop showing me the Aiellos. I just get a pang of sadness every time. And also a pang of hotness. Commercials. Maybe this show should stop referring back to earlier (read: better) seasons. It's just an additional reminder of how lame this one is.

New Orleans, Louisiana. Some really pretty shots of the city are followed by an extremely unpretty shot of Tony Paolo molesting Phil. After the normal blah-be-dee-blah, the Bransens are off at 12:40 AM. Elizabeth is wearing that goddamn hat again. Their clue tells them to fly to Panama City, Panama. Cool! Someplace interesting! Once there, they have to go to the Smithsonian Tropical Research Institute (which fascinates my science geek heart) and find some guy lounging in a hammock (which doesn't). Although lounging in a hammock waiting to give clues to wandering passersby does sound like an ideal way to spend a day to me. Walter is pleased that the Bransens are all equals on the race. I wouldn't say him lagging and panting while the girls try to hurry him along make them equals, exactly, but I'm happy he's happy. The Paolos leave at 12:41 AM. Marion weepily interviews that she wishes DJ would hug her and tell her he loves her. We're supposed to feel sorry for her, and maybe I would if she wasn't such an unpleasant person. Seems to me that not being hugged is a pretty fair consequence for being obnoxious. The Linzes leave at 12:49 AM. Megan interviews that she's not as physically fit as her brothers, which can slow them down. Yeah, but she's the smart one, which speeds them up. Tommy makes some joke about them going to Panama City, Florida to ogle girls at spring break. See, Meg? You contribute by not being like that.

The Bransens are calling the airport from their cab. They seem to only be able to choose between Continental or American. Maybe the clue specified that they had to take one of those carriers, but we never hear why no other airlines were considered. Thanks for nothing, editors. All three lead teams wind up waiting at the counter at Continental (which has the better flight) for them to open. We're back at the mat, where the Pink Ladies are leaving at 1:39 AM. Jeepers. How did they fall so far back? Christine gets even more annoying than she was last week as she interviews that she may be bossy, but her ideas are always the best. Yeah, that brainwave to carry your heavy packs for no reason while running through the French Quarter was a real winner, Christine. At 1:52, the Weavers take off. Linda does her customary reading of the destination as if she's never heard of it in her life. "Pennsylvania?" "Washington?" "Panama?" Rebecca interviews that her family doesn't need alliances, thank you very much. I'm sure that has to do with their strategy, and not that nobody else can stand them. Finally, the Gaghans at 1:54 AM. They don't mind being second-to-last at the finish. I should say not. They seem to wind up there a lot.

Everyone's excited to get out of the United States for a while. I don't blame them. It's pretty joyless here these days. They all line up at the Continental counter. The Linzes and Bransens get their tickets. Then, a shining example of why Marion remains hugless. She asks DJ "Do you want me to do it, or do you want to do it?" referring to buying the tickets. He says he'll handle it. She replies with "You got it. You'll do everything. Nobody can do anything but you." Passive? Meet aggressive. God, what a bitch. DJ and Marion snipe at each other as they step up to buy the tickets. First the Pink Ladies "joke" about them stepping out of line if they're going to hold everyone up with the bickering, then butt in with how shamefully DJ treats Marion. Yeah, she's really put upon. She certainly doesn't bring any of that poor behavior on herself. Plus, who raised DJ to be such a brat? A shiny new penny if you guessed Marion (I doubt Tony does much child-rearing). Also, mind your own business, Pink Ladies. These people suck.

The Paolos also manage to make the Continental flight, but the Pink Ladies are out of luck, so they (and the Gaghans and Weavers) are stuck on an American flight that arrives in Panama more than 3 hours later. The lead flight lands. Everyone grabs a taxi. Bicker, argue, mangled Spanish. The usual. They teams arrive at the docks. They have to take a boat to the institute, which is on an island, but the boats don't leave until 7:00 AM. Hope you enjoyed all that airport intrigue, since it didn't matter one damn iota. Everyone just lines up for the boats, same as they did for the airline tickets. Zzzzzz. The second plane arrives, and we get more of the same, though the mangled Spanish on the part of the Weavers is more offensive. Shocking. The trailing teams arrive at the docks, affirm the order they're leaving the next day, and go to sleep.

Morning. There's a lot of talk about "keeping the order", which makes me think someone's going to try and cut in line and cause some drama, but everyone's a good sport. Aw. That is so sweet. And dull. The teams start crossing the crocodile-infested river, which is part of the Panama Canal. It's very pretty, though I could do without the teams yelling "Andale!" and "Vamanos!" at their drivers. The Linzes have an extremely slow driver, and start getting passed by everyone. They're upset, but should count their blessings, because the Gaghan driver isn't even taking them to the right place. He says he's going to pick someone up elsewhere, then drop them at the institute. Aiiiiie!!! They freak out.

Commercials. I've only seen about 10 seconds of that little kid in the new Zorro movie, and I already want to push him in front of a bus.

The Gaghans discover that when they stop shrieking and start asking nicely, the driver will drop them off at the institute. See, that wasn't so hard. Want to pass the "nice" lesson along to Marion? "That was a scare," Tammy says, acting pretty good-natured for what just happened to them. She doesn't know that the Bad Luck Imp isn't done with her yet. The lead teams land and start asking people if they are the scientist they're looking for, Ricardo Diaz. The first one the Paolos ask isn't him. So there are multiple hammock dwellers? Heh. Everyone rushes around looking for Ricardo. Wow, that place is beautiful. Must be nice to work on a tropical island with hammocks set up everywhere. The Pink Ladies are first to find the clue. The clue contains not only the Detour, but the Fast Forward. The Pink Ladies are in first, so they turn up their noses at the Fast Forward, saying they won't need it. Well, that was dumb. Let's put aside for the moment the fact that by ditching the Fast Forward, they know they won't finish in first and thus won't have a good jump on the next leg or win a nifty prize. When there was a Fast Forward on every leg (back when the show was, you know, good), people really did need to spare using it until they really felt they needed it. But when there is only one on the entire race, there is literally zero point in not using it if you're the first to get the clue. None. Let's say you're in first place. You know that if you don't take the Fast Forward, then a lagging team will, and pass you by. You know that if you don't take the Fast Forward, you're going to spend the day doing strenuous tasks that you could have otherwise avoided. You know that if you don't take the Fast Forward, it's not going to be there for you on a later leg when you do need it. It's bad planning on the part of the producers, but it's also bad racing. Nowadays, you find a Fast Forward when you're in first place? You take it.

Anyhow, the Pink Ladies stupidly ignore the Fast Forward and concentrate on the Detour. The choices? Rhythm or Coos. Oh, that is a terrible pun. Is my Dad writing for the show now? In Rhythm, teams take a bus to a nearby neighborhood, and visit several locations to pick up four musical instruments (trumpet, trombone, saxophone, and conga drum). Once a team has all four instruments, they deliver them to a jazz club to get their next clue. In Coos, teams take the bus to a rainforest site and search the canopy with binoculars for wooden replicas of five local birds. They then circle the birds in wax pencil on what looks like a Denny's placemat. Circle the wrong birds, and you have to start over. The Pink Ladies go for the instruments. The Paolos have discovered Ricardo Diaz. They neglect to be complete dumbasses and go for the Fast Forward (although in their shoes, I would have assumed the Pink Ladies would have taken it). The Fast Forward is a tandem bungee jump over the Panama Canal. Looks fun, if terrifying. The Weavers find Ricardo Diaz, and choose the birds. The Gaghans are only now arriving at the institute as the Bransens find Ricardo Diaz, and choose birds. The Linzes get the clue, and head for the instruments. The Gaghans reach the clue as well, and continue their streak of being pleasant, fun, and dumb by going for the Fast Forward. Did they really think none of the other teams (who are all in front of them) would go for it? Sigh. I like the Gaghans, so it pains me to watch them continually race like complete doofs.

Christine. You know the Pink Lady who interviewed that she's bossy because she's got such good ideas? Yeah, she's asking people where the buses are. The buses...on the island. The island...that's surrounded by water. The pieces finally fall into place, and she realizes they have to take the boat back to the mainland first, but not before the fourteen people who still watch this show have rolled their eyes a few times. Everyone jumps into their boats. Linda calls to the Linz driver to go slowly. The Linzes hear this and call her a bitch, although not to her face or anything. The Gaghans' driver still sucks. The Pink Ladies give their driver a couple bucks to go faster. Apparently, the Linz driver isn't beholden to Linda, as they blow by the Weavers. A bunch of the boats go the wrong way (Do the boat drivers not know where the dock is? I don't understand that at all), so the Paolos manage to reach the docks first. The teams pile into their buses. Looks like each team gets their own. The Linzes and Pink Ladies decide to work together on the Detour. The Linzes pass along the story of Linda telling their driver to go slow, so the two teams share a lovely moment of Weaver hate together. The Gaghans are essentially following the Paolos so they should know that they'll never get the Fast Forward, but they're trying nonetheless, bless their dumb little hearts. Bill is getting the kids jazzed about jumping. He's hot.

Teams are getting directions to where they need to go. I guess the bus drivers either don't know or aren't allowed to tell them, so again, thanks for keeping the audience in the loop, show. Linda asks someone for directions (in Spanish) and he answers (in English) that he's going that way, so they can follow. The Pink Ladies hire a taxi to follow. Heh. The Linzes call the Godlewskis "The Pink Ladies" too. I thought only the Shroeders did that. The Linzes follow them. In the bus to the Fast Forward, DJ is explaining his fear of heights, saying he's scared he might pass out. Faced with this show of vulnerability, Marion tells him not to worry because she's sure he can do it, and that she'll be there to support him. Nah, just yanking your chain. She actually says that if he passes out, she'll kill him. The line to hug her and express your love for her forms at the left. The Gaghans think they may be able to beat the Paolos in a footrace to the bungee jump, and in their excitement, Tammy trips a little and Carissa bonks into the back of her, which propels Tammy into the back of a van. Yowch. Probably because of that, the Paolos grab the ticket for the bungee jump first. The Gaghans tell themselves that the Paolos will chicken out. Not bloody likely. In fact, Marion correctly states that if they don't do it, the Gaghans will, so they have no choice but to jump. Brian and Tony are paired up and jump with no problems, and Tony gives Brian a pretty sweet *mwwwaaaah!* on the side of his head. DJ and Marion are strapped together, about to jump into midair. It's DJ's worst nightmare, and it's beginning to look like he may back out.

Commercials. Man, am I sick of commercials that show how wonderful cars handle out by themselves in the desert. Who cares how cars handle when there's nobody else around? Show me how the cars handle when it's snowing and I'm stuck at the interbelt on Highway 40 during rush hour.

So of course DJ and Marion jump, because they have no choice. DJ kisses his mom on the forehead, mostly because he's glad he survived. Directly after this heartwarming scene, we hear "Son of a bitch!" from Bill Gaghan, because they have to go back to the Detour, which they should have done a long time ago. I'm a little surprised he yelled that in front of his kids, but we never see him say it, only hear him, so maybe it was edited in from an interview or something. Not that I fucking care that much about swearing, for fuck's sake. They decide to go for the instruments. The Paolos, meanwhile, are celebrating. Marion's mostly happy because DJ loves her now, but I think what he really loves is not being a splat mark on the sidewalk. They're off to the pit stop, the Miraflores Locks, which is the Pacific entrance to the Panama Canal.

The Bransens are lost, but the Weavers have found the bird park. Linda thanks God that they stopped and asked for directions, because without that particular divine intervention, I'm sure they would have just driven around in circles for hours. "Mom, can we ask for directions?" "No, I haven't gotten the go-ahead from God yet." They circle five birds, but they're not the right ones. No word on whether that's God's fault or not. The Bransens arrive and start their bird circling as well. The Linzes and Pink Ladies arrive at the Detour neighborhood and find their saxophones. The Paolos arrive at the pit stop, and win a trip to Panama. While they're standing in Panama. Heh. Sure, they'll be staying in a resort instead of the floor of a dock station, but it was still kinda funny. We get inspirational music as Marion talks about DJ kissing her, so he must really love her and such. Oh, crap. They're not getting The Redemption Edit, are they? The story arc where a team starts out as awful, but they don't lose, so the editors have to start showing any little nice moment in a desperate attempt to make us like them so we won't be upset when they win? Man, I hope not.

The Weavers have corrected the problem with their birds, so they're done. The clue sends them 2 miles to a baseball stadium for their next clue. I didn't know they enjoyed baseball in Panama. Aren't they soccer-crazy like the rest of the world? The Bransens get their birds on the first try, so they're off to the stadium as well. The Linzes and Pink Ladies have found their trumpets. One of the Pink Ladies talks about how well the two families work as a team. Oh, I see why. It's because when they find their conga drum, Christine directs one of the Linz boys to carry it for them. No wonder she thinks they work well together. They pick up the trombone as well, so they head for the jazz club. I don't think a single Pink Lady is carrying a single instrument. The Gaghans grabs themselves a Fern to help them find the instruments. The Linzes and Pink Ladies find the jazz club, where there are a bunch of awesome dancers. Not only are they dancing awesomely, but they completely ignore the families as they try to put the instruments in the proper cases. Heh. The teams head for the stadium. The Gaghans pick up their final instrument as the Weavers arrive at the stadium. Roadblock. It involves getting a homerun or a base hit against a championship Little League pitcher. If they don't get a hit within three pitches, they have to let any waiting teams go next.

Rolly takes on the Roadblock. He's swinging left-handed and gets a strike on the first pitch. The Bransens arrive and Elizabeth volunteers. Rolly strikes out, so she heads to the plate. She strikes out, too. The Linzes and Pink Ladies arrive, and Nick and Sharon will be the batters. As Rolly steps up to the plate, one of the Linzes does the "hey battabattabatta...SWING!" thing that people do at baseball games. This earns Linda's ire, and she snaps, "You guys, hush. We're encouraging everyone." Yeah, if by "everyone" you mean "Rolly". Plus, I don't remember you being so kind when you were telling their driver to go slowly. Plus plus, everyone does the battabattabatta thing. It's not rude. So in summary: shut up, Linda. Rolly (now magically right-handed) does hit a pitch and it's an easy out, but the ball rolls gently between the pitcher's legs. "Champion" little-leaguer my ass. The Weavers head for the pit stop, still griping about how rude the Linzes are and letting themselves bask in an aura of superiority at how much better people they are. I ask to retract my "shut up" and insert a "fuck off" in its place. Thanks.

The Gaghans drop off their instruments. Back at the stadium, Beth is being too critical in judging her pitches. You can't walk if you get four balls, Beth, so swing at everything. She does manage to crack one, so the Bransens are off. Nick Linz gets on base on his first try (though not on the first pitch). On the way to the pit stop, a Linz brother tells his siblings about Linda yelling at him. Megan says "I would have told her to go screw herself." Go, Meg! The Gaghans get to the stadium, and Bill takes the Roadblock. Sharon strikes out. Bill Gaghan steps up and cranks it out of the park on the first pitch. Nice! Oh, and hot. Sharon's still having problems. She says she's exhausted. From what? From one at-bat? From not carrying instruments?

Commercials. Oh, look. More various car commercials featuring their vehicle all by itself out in the desert.

Sharon finally gets a base hit. The Weavers arrive at the mat as team number two. Bleh. The Paolos and Weavers as the first two teams? What have I done to deserve this? The Gaghans, convinced that all the bad luck they've had this leg is behind them, find out that it's not the case as their bus is blocked by...it looks like someone delivering a soda machine. Probably not the product placement Pepsi was looking for. The Pink Ladies are putting all the clothes they brought on in case it's a non-elimination leg. Apparently, all they brought along was underwear. Seriously, each one of them has, like, twenty pairs of panties on. The Gaghans are still stuck. The Bransens hit the mat as team number 3. The Linzes are right behind as team 4. The Gaghans can finally proceed. The Pink Ladies are almost there, too. They giggle about wearing all their clothing. Who will it be?

My God, it's the Gaghans, second-to-last yet again. How do they keep doing that? The Pink Ladies are the last team to arrive, but are spared by the first non-elimination point. Phil takes all their money. Who cares? Money has barely been an issue at all so far. He also takes all their possessions, which is pretty much just their empty backpacks. A Pink Lady interviews that they all have wits, charm, and beauty. Hilariously, this is played over a shot of Christine (the one who wanted to take a bus off an island) wearing a sort of black beekeeper veil over her head. It's as flattering as it sounds. They vow to bounce back.

Next week on The Amazing Race: The teams cross a suspension bridge in what may be one of the most beautiful spots in the world, and still manage to bitch about it. The Weavers get their car stuck, and Linda throws a tantrum. Oh, won't that be lovely?

Overall Grade: C

The Girl Who Loves Bubbles and Talks to Plants

America's Next Top Model - Season 5, Episode 6

Previously on America's Next Top Model: Jayla was a horrible example for Jehovah's Witnesses. She neglects to mention that she's a horrible example for the rest of humanity as well, but we'll get to that later. Fugly Lisa got on everyone's nerves, but Coryn was the only one with balls enough (probably literally) to confront her. And the token plus-sized model took her customary dive with the deserved, yet saddening elimination of Diane. Eight girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Bel Air. Nike's sad that her friend Diane was cut, so she feels like she shouldn't have any strong relationships in the house. She vows to be the quiet girl from now on. From now on? Have we heard her utter more than six words at a stretch? Meanwhile, Jayla interviews that she will do whatever it takes to win, "clawing her way to the top" if she has to. Oh, well then I'm sure completely unreasonable personal vendettas won't get in the way of that competitive spirit. Some of the girls lounge in the hot tub, and Fugly Lisa has the idea to put some bubbles into it. We get to relive the whole Fugly Lisa/Coryn smackdown of last week, which I'm not going to revisit forty times like the show does. Kim interviews that Fugly Lisa always needs to be the center of attention. Yep, I'd say so. Fugly Lisa rambles nonsensically about how much she loves bubbles. What's funny is that Kyle gives her a look like she's completely insane, but Kyle herself has a big ol' bubble foam hat on her head at the time, so she looks like kind of a loon herself. Heh. Bre interviews that Fugly Lisa goes through entire bottles of wine in about 45 minutes. Yowsa. More shots of nude girls covered in bubbles. My loins fail to stir. Jayla's also sick of Fugly Lisa, hoping that she'll be cannon fodder for this week's elimination.

Morning. OJ invades the model pad, and collects all the girls in the kitchen. There's a bunch of food set up, and Kim interviews that she thought there may be a cooking challenge. Is Kim unaware that this is a modeling competition? This is almost as dumb as when they thought their challenge would involve doing math. OJ says they'll have a special guest, whom he introduces by calling out for "Miss Thing" in such a way that makes me want to punch him with a set of brass knuckles. He tends to have that effect a lot. The special guest is Iman, whose name I know, but whose career I know very little about. She'll turn out to be so boring that I completely forgot to include her in the little blurblet about this episode. She is pretty, though. She explains that you need good skin to be a model, and that you can make homemade skin products out of common household foods, which is what they're there to do. OJ hands out recipe cards, and they get started. Kim and Jayla's products make it look like someone has thrown up on their faces. Nike looks like Violet Beauregarde. There's some more blather, and Bre gets caught eating some of her ingredients. She's so cute. The point of this entire scene is to introduce the later challenge, in which the girls will be spokesmodels for a honey-banana firming mask. Why they couldn't have just said so instead of this five minutes of filler is beyond me. OJ says that the girls will have to get several product points across during a mock interview. He passes the information out. So that's it for Iman. What a stunning cameo.

The Monster Humvee takes the girls to the challenge. They meet a man who introduces himself as comedian Chris Spencer. He's about as funny as melanoma. He tells them that they'll have a three-minute interview with him. Fugly Lisa interviews that there are 10 product points that they have to memorize, and she brags that she has them down cold. Jayla's up first. I think she does a fine job, but Chris interviews that she bored him to death. I wish. Coryn is legitimately boring, but it doesn't help that Chris is using her interview to tell more "jokes". Is it part of the challenge that he tries to distract them from the product points to see how they react? If so, fine. If not...what a fucking asshole. He also interrupts Bre, and Nike seriously cannot get a word in edgewise, which is bullshit. Kim has written the product points on her hand, but doesn't consider that cheating. Whatever helps you sleep at night, Kim. Nicole actually leapfrogs onto my good side by saying that the firming mask is made from bananas from Caracas. Chris asks her where Caracas is in an attempt to trap her. Nicole responds with "I don't exactly know, but I heard they've got really good bananas." Hahahahahaha. Nicole hasn't been objectionable since episode 1, so I think I'll take her off THE LIST. Kyle, who's always so quiet and unassuming in the house, turns out to be quite a ham, and she does a fantastic job outlining the product points, and doesn't allow Chris to lead her off topic. I love Kyle. Fugly Lisa, who you'll remember said she had the product points down cold, completely blows her interview. She sounds very confident, but basically gets all of her facts wrong, and wastes about half her interview doing a little dance. Yeah, I don't know.

Chris proves he's not a complete waste of oxygen by deservedly judging Kyle the winner. She gets to choose one other girl to share in the reward. She mixes it up by choosing Nicole. See? Kyle is a patient listener, doesn't openly badmouth people even when they deserve it, Lisa, and tries to spread her good fortune around. She's my official favorite. Sorry, Bre. The reward is that they get to do some host segments for a VH1 show about supermodels. They're excited. Jayla nastily says that Kyle winning two challenges in a row isn't fair. It'd be different if she were kidding, but it seems fairly clear that she's not. Fugly Lisa, already upset because she didn't win the challenge (er...was she expecting to?), takes an offhand remark from Coryn about her dancing as an open insult, and the fight is on again. Fugly Lisa tells Coryn that she needs to stop hating on people. Coryn has no problem with anyone but Lisa, but I'm sure it brings Fugly Lisa comfort to imagine that other souls are suffering the burden of Coryn's hate along with her. It's more of the same fighting, except that Fugly Lisa says that Coryn's the only one who dislikes her, and Coryn correctly replies that she's the only one who's openly stated as much. Yeah, I think we've seen enough interviews featuring Kim's open contempt of Fugly Lisa to know that Coryn's not exactly alone in her feelings. Oh, and Fugly Lisa tells Coryn that she's "presenting herself like a moron" (whatever that means) and Coryn responds that Lisa's an alcoholic bitch. The other girls sit around in uncomfortable silence.

Commercials. Shut up, Kirsten Dunst.

And...we're back. And we get to see the "alcoholic bitch" comment again, but it doesn't lead into more fighting or anything. The next shot is just the girls getting back into the Monster Humvee. Fugly Lisa finally catches the snap, and figures out that maybe these girls aren't her best friends ever. Ya think, Lisa? Nike interviews that she doesn't like it when people fight or when there's drama, so she tends to withdraw when that happens. I do the same thing. You just try to make yourself completely invisible so that people don't try to enlist you in either side.

Back at the pad, Jayla and Nicole are out by the pool, and Jayla is trashing Fugly Lisa. She's absolutely correct on substance, but the way she's saying it makes her sound like the bitchiest bitch that ever bitched a bitch. Not only that, but she's complaining that Fugly Lisa doesn't get that everyone hates her; not just Coryn. Well, nobody but Coryn's ever confronted her and Fugly Lisa's kind of delusional, so why wouldn't she think that? I mean, I could understand this confusion on Jayla's part if Fugly Lisa had been fighting with everyone, but she hasn't. Nicole tries to stay out of it, only remarking that Fugly Lisa thinks she knows it all, but not attacking her personally or anything. Jayla snots that the pad is like high school. Yeah, it's not like Jayla herself would ever perpetuate a bunch of immature bullshit.

The next day, it's time for Kyle and Nicole's reward, which is being shot in the model pad. The director shows up and introduces himself. They get started. Fugly Lisa interviews that if she would have won the challenge, she would have done better at the hosting segments. This is the delusional Fugly Lisa we're all familiar with, because she doesn't even consider that the reason she's not hosting the VH1 show is that she did such a crappy job at the challenge that called for her to speak well. She whines that if she had won, she would "talk very sophisticated" (like...nice start), and that she'd give her opinions (and I'm sure the director would have been thrilled with her deviating from the script). It's like she's stuck on a Mobius strip of stupidity. Not only that, but she's bitching about it so loudly that the director has to come in and tell her to keep it down so they can shoot the damn thing. He asks her to be quiet for thirty seconds. She manages about three. She rolls her eyes and talks about how disgusted she is. Yeah, she's the picture of professional behavior.

Which is our segue into the Fugly Lisa is A Big Ol' Booze Hag segment! Won't that be fun? Kyle thinks Fugly Lisa's drinking may be a big problem for her. Nicole thinks so too, calling her behavior "bizarre". We follow this with a shot of Fugly Lisa belching loudly. Nice. She bumbles around, knocking over glasses. The other girls laugh at her. She sulkily retires to a beach chair, interviewing about how betrayed she feels, and then starts talking out loud to a nearby plant that she has named "cousin 'it'" (and learn to spell, show - it's Cousin Itt), saying that she and the plant are like the same. Hmm. You remember in Cycle One how the show tried to make us believe that Elyse had an eating disorder and how I didn't buy it, because it was just a bunch of hearsay from the other girls? This I buy. It's not just the other girls branding Fugly Lisa an alcoholic because they dislike her. She's clearly smashed in a lot of scenes, and that probably goes to the heart of why she's so unlikeable. Drunk people are funny for a little while, as a source of amusement, but they are no fun to hang out with for extended periods of time. The other girls continue talking about her drinking as she passes out on the porch chair. Bre goes out to check on her and bring her in. What's weird is that it looks like Coryn goes with her. Huh? As Fugly Lisa cries to her boyfriend on the phone, Bre interviews that Fugly Lisa appears to be a confident person, but that the constant arguing and criticism is eating away at her, as it is for all of them. She wants to help her, but doesn't know how. I think Bre is exactly right, and it's sweet that she's showing such concern for a girl she probably doesn't like very much.

Commercials. We already get a commercial for Everybody Hates Chris in every single ad break. Is it really necessary to have more than one in a two minute span? You want me to watch the show. I GET IT.

Morning. Tyra shows up at the model pad. Kyle's embarrassed to still be in rollers. Heh. Tyra gathers the girls and asks them about their vices. Bre says she relies on sleep a lot. I hear that. Tyra asks about smokers in the group, and says that 98% of models smoke or have smoked. Short PSA about how smoking is bad. Tyra says her own vice is fatty foods. I'm sure we all believe that. Of course, the entire reason Tyra showed up like this is to provoke Fugly Lisa into admitting she drinks. She does admit it, but downplays it, saying that a glass of wine calms her down, which is a bit different from stumbling around talking to plants. She says she doesn't drink to get drunk, and Kyle interviews that she was kind of mad that she lied right to Tyra's face. I understand that and all, but it's not like Tyra doesn't see everything that goes on in the house. I think she's pretty wise to Fugly Lisa's game. Tyra leaves.

Tyra Mail. It tells them to be ready at 8 AM. Morning. The girls meet OJ at a soundstage, and he tells them (in another horrible overdub) that they'll be doing an ad for Secret deodorant today, which includes a commercial shoot, a photo shoot, and another mock interview. OJ introduces Bill (the commercial director) and Jason (the photo shoot director). He tells them to think of a little secret to reveal as part of the commercial. The girls go into hair and makeup. Nike practices a little out loud, saying that her secret is that she's scared of the dark and sleeps with a nightlight. Jayla overhears her. No problems so far. Meanwhile, Fugly Lisa is shooting her commercial. She actually does a really nice job. Her photo's good too, but she's too...well, she's too Lisa in her interview. You just want her to shut up so bad. Nicole and Bre are fine at the commercial. Kyle overacts a little too much, which I still find surprising. There's some footage of the photo shoot, and a bit of the girls' interviews. Nicole's secret is that she eats ice cream in bed, which Ryan the interviewer dismisses as G-rated. Yeah, it is kind of lame.

Coryn sucks at the commercial and interview. She just falls apart when called upon to be personable. Meanwhile, back in the dressing room, Nike and Jayla have discovered that they have the same secret. They're minutely different in that Jayla's is that she's afraid of the dark, and Nike's is that she's afraid of the dark and sleeps with a nightlight. There's still no problem here. If I were Nike, I'd just think of another stupid little secret, and even if she can't, OJ tells her that it's not a big deal that they have the same one. Jayla's up, and she tries her line that she's scared of the dark, but they want more takes, so she replaces it with Nike's line about the nightlight. Nike hears this and is upset. So yeah, on the one hand, Jayla did kind of steal it, which is bitchy, but it's not that big a deal. 1) Nike had plenty of time to pick an entirely different secret. 2) OJ already said that it's not a big deal if they have the same secret. 3) Jayla used the nightlight line, but not that she's scared of the dark, so why doesn't Nike just use that? Instead, the combined stress of having her line stolen and being kind of nervous causes Nike to just unravel. She's pretty bad at the commercial, photo shoot, and interview. She says that she's been sucking all day. Again, it's understandable that she be mad about the line stealing, but she's blowing it out of proportion.

OK. Having said that, let's go into the portion of the evening wherein Jayla completely pisses away any chance that I'd defend her. Nike interviews that she did not say anything to Jayla about the line stealing, because she just figures that karma will take care of it. So she didn't yell at Jayla, didn't fight with her, didn't even say anything about the whole ordeal. That evening, Jayla is sitting out on the porch gossiping with Fugly Lisa. You know, the Fugly Lisa she can't stand and was gossiping about with Nicole earlier. Yeah, Jayla's stripes are starting to show. Not that she's into that high school drama or anything. She tells Fugly Lisa that she's sick of Nike giving her the cold shoulder. Fugly Lisa, delighted at not being the target for a change, pretends that she's sworn to secrecy or whatever, but clearly could not be happier in informing Jayla that Nike's not thrilled with the line stealing. Cut to the beginning of Jayla's confessional where she fumes that she's tired of stupid people. So am I, Jayla. Back on the porch, she flippantly remarks at how she's not going to be friends with certain people after the competition is over. I'm sure Nike burst into tears upon learning that. Back in the confessional, Jayla tries to become all threatening, talking about how something big's going to go down between her and Nike. Because Nike's such a confrontational type? Could someone please tell me how Nike (who responded to Jayla's theft simply by not being her BFF) should be on the business end of an ass-kicking? Jayla's acting like Nike was all up in her face with a broken bottle or something. Plus, Jayla? You're about as intimidating as a Keebler Elf, but nice try.

Commercials. So this lady wants her teeth to be whiter so her lipstick can appear to be an even more whorish shade of red. Got it.

Elimination looms. Coryn's nervous. Nike's nervous. Now instead of aiming for threatening and missing, Jayla is aiming for sarcastically funny. And missing. Seriously, she's seething with hate over Nike not baking her a friendship cake or something. At this point, Fugly Lisa could take lessons in How To Be Completely and Undeservedly Impressed With Yourself from Jayla. It's really disturbing. We enter the Chamber of Doom, and Fugly Lisa is wearing the weirdest outfit ever. Did she steal that flapper headband from the set of Xanadu? The guest judge tonight is Bill, the commercial director. Let's get to the evaluations.

Nicole. The judges like her commercial more than I do, but take her to task for too many "uh", "um" and "like" in the interview. Her photo's great. Tyra says that whoever has the strongest picture will have that picture run in People as an actual ad for Secret. Jayla. They say she's a bit too model-like in the commercial, but knocks the picture and interview out of the park. Coryn. Bill and Nigel call her on her sense of sadness, which seems to permeate everything she does. Can't argue with that. Her picture's nice, though. Kyle. The judges remark on her overacting in the commercial, but love her interview. I like her picture, but they don't think it's strong enough. Bre. Again, the judges don't think the picture is as good as I do, but love her interview and commercial. Kim. She's too slouchy in the commercial, which Nigel actually defends. Feh. Her interview is great, and she's taken what I consider to be her first good picture. Fugly Lisa. Nigel reads my mind and asks her what she was thinking when she got dressed. She says she feels playful (read: drunk). The judges love everything about the ad, and I do have to say she did a really good job. Nike. Her discomfort shows. She did OK at the photo shoot, and had a good interview, but her commercial sucks. She brings up that she felt hurt and betrayed, but doesn't go into detail. I don't want to defend Jayla, but pick one, Nike. Either get it all out or keep quiet. This "one of the other girls was a bitch to me and that's why I did poorly, but I'm not going to say which or how" bit is not going to fly.

Commercials. If you went by TV, you'd think that everyone who works in an office is a complete nutbar. Actually, that's not so far from the truth.

Deliberations. The usual bullshit. The only thing of note is that Nigel says that Fugly Lisa always leaves you wanting more (that's a good thing in this case). He follows this up with: "However, I also can't stand Lisa." Hahahaha. Oh, Nigel. Come over and we'll slag Fugly Lisa together. Then we'll do other things.

Elimination. Fugly Lisa is safe. Jayla. Kim. The next girl is the one with the best photo and shall have her face grace the pages of People. Nicole. She deserves it. And wow, what with this and the VH1 show, she's getting all sorts of exposure. Kyle is safe. Tyra makes fun of her overacting. Heh. Bre is safe. Will Nike and Coryn please step forward? Coryn is too sad. Nike was too stiff and uncomfortable. She can work on that, though, whereas Coryn's sadness is apparently intractable, so she's cut. The other girls come to hug Coryn; even Fugly Lisa. Aw. Coryn is actually relieved to be cut. It seems like she's going to give up on the whole modeling thing. "My life is going to change," she says on her way out. Well, if the rumors I've heard are true, the first thing to change will be her genitals.

Next week on America's Next Top Model: The girls have to contend with an Army-style obstacle course, which Nicole isn't too wild about. Kim is actually required to look like a woman.

Overall Grade: B

Think Like An Office Chair

The Amazing Race - Season 8, Episode 4

Before we get to the previously, Phil would like us to know that a lot of the portions of Mississippi and Louisiana the episode takes place in were devastated by Hurricane Katrina. I don't think I'm giving away too much to say that if you'd never visited those places before, and had only this episode to go on, you'd probably wonder why that was such a big deal. Previously on The Amazing Race: Virginia. South Carolina. Crazy Weavers. Hot Aiellos. Alabama. Bullshit. No more Hot Aiellos. Seven families remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

I have to say that I kind of dreaded writing the entry for this episode, because it's so very boring. The only thing that pushed me forward is that I'm so anal, having a blank in the middle of the series would drive me crazy. However, the disclaimer is out there, so I'll probably gloss over a bunch of crap. Credits. Hunter is clearly pulling his punches. After tonight, I'm not so sure the fighting will be as playful. Commercials. Do women really envy each other's elbows? Really?

Huntsville, Alabama. We're still at the space shuttle Pathfinder at NASA, which I will now hate for eternity for being the site of boring, bullshit tasks and the end of the road for people I like. Eternal enmity was probably not what they were expecting when they agreed to be on the show. Phil wonders if the Weavers will continue being complete loons, and if the Gaghans can catch up. I think at least one of those is a pretty safe bet, Phil. The Bransens leave the mat at 1:15 PM. The clue tells them to find the largest office chair in the world. Zzzzzz. You can pretty much insert that Zzzzzz anytime Phil mentions a new task. The chair is in Anniston, Alabama. Walter is finally wearing a different shirt. The Linzes are off at 1:18 PM. That "Who Dey?" shirt seems to be making the rounds, which means that it never gets washed, which means ew. The Shroeders leave at 1:33 PM. Stassi refers to themselves as the underdogs. They're in third. Draw your own conclusions about Stassi's intelligence. The Pink Ladies leave at 1:44 PM. Tricia interviews that Sharon and Christine tend to butt heads. From my own reading of these two, that's probably because Sharon is decisive and headstrong, and Christine is kind of a stupid nit.

The Weavers don't leave until 3:34 PM, which makes sense, given that the loser bus was two hours behind last week. Linda always sounds completely confused when she reads the clue. The Shroeders are in their car talking about how phony and awful the Weavers are. This is probably why I don't hate the Shroeders more. The enemy of my enemy, and all that. The Paolos are off at 3:50 PM. They fight. I'm completely shocked. We get the most out of the other son (Brian), that we've ever heard. He says DJ and his mom fight so much because they are the same exact person. It's totally true. Brian seems fairly unobjectionable. I feel sorry for him being stuck with this crew. Finally, the Gaghans at 3:53 PM. They catch up to the Paolos with pretty much no effort.

In their car, Brian politely asks where they're going, and Marion screams ANNISTON!!!, then slices him across the neck with the clue, giving him a paper cut. Just in case you ever felt sorry for her when DJ reduced her to tears, you can take comfort in the fact that she's just as big an asshole as the rest of them. The two trailing teams take different highways, and Bill is confident that they've chosen the faster route. The Bransens have found the chair. Lauren climbs up, gets the clue, and climbs down. It's as exciting as it sounds. The clue sends them to Talladega, Alabama to find the International Motor Sports Hall of Fame. Their next clue will be in the museum there. It seems that teams actually passed Talladega on their way to Anniston, so everyone knows exactly where it is. It's good that the show had them backtrack, because otherwise the episode might have had a segment with a sliver of suspense or excitement. The Weavers are passing Talladega now, and worry that they'll be sent there. That's pretty sharp for a family that can't figure out what Pennsylvania is. The Linzes find the chair. The Shroeders find the chair. The Pink Ladies find the chair.

The Bransens have found the museum at Talladega, and pull their clue. It tells them to complete one lap around the track. Ah, but they won't be using cars. They'll be pedaling around in a goofy-lookin' contraption called a party bike. Whoo! Party! This is as hideously lame as the rest of the episode, but I have to wonder if this was changed at some point in deference to the Weavers. This episode doesn't have a Roadblock, and my guess is that originally, this was it, and that one of the team members either had to drive a racecar or ride alongside a racecar driver, but that they scrapped it to avoid seeming insensitive. So they did what they could on short notice, and tossed a few multi-person bikes out on the track. Voila. The Linzes have found the museum, too. Tommy says "How do you like dem apples?", because he speaks entirely in cliches. Is it wrong that I'm starting to find Alex kind of attractive? Probably. I'll try not to admit that again. The Shroeders are there too. The Bransens pedal as the Gaghans arrive at the chair. Guess Bill was right about his route being faster. As they leave, the Weavers arrive. They're unhappy when they read the clue, for good reason. Linda says "Oh, my Lord," which Blood Ray points out could be construed as taking the Lord's name in vain. Heh. The Paolos have finally found the chair, too. They seem to be in last so often. How come they haven't been eliminated yet?

The Bransens look to be about halfway done with the pedaling as the Linzes get started, so those Bransens must have made some good time with the driving today. The Shroeders get started on the bikes too, and the Bransens finish shortly thereafter. Their clue sends them to Hattiesburg, Mississippi, which one of the Bransen girls pronounces as "Huh-TEES-burg". Oy. They are supposed to find "The Southern Colonel". What is the Colonel, you ask? Is it a museum? Is it a nature trail? An art gallery? Anything that would be even remotely interesting or indicative of culture in Hattiesburg? Don't be ridiculous. The Southern Colonel is a trailer park (it looks to be a place that they sell mobile homes - I don't think people live there). You have got to be kidding me. That is just a giant FUCK YOU to Mississippi.

The Pink Ladies have found the track. The Weavers have an actual sympathetic moment as they try and pep themselves up for whatever awaits them at Talladega. Suddenly, they're there. Hey, what happened to the Gaghans? They open the clue, and are very displeased to find the "do one lap" clue within. I'd be displeased too, but could probably refrain from squealing like a pig, Rachel. She also calls Linda "mommy", which she is way too old to do.

Commercials. Bewitched is available on DVD and PSP. I have no idea what PSP is, but maybe by offering it, they can double their sales. Now twelve people will buy that movie.

The Weavers make their way onto the track. Wait! How did the Weavers make up the two-hour difference of the bus last week? This makes no sense. Although we never see them on the track with any of the four teams on the first bus, so maybe it's misleading. Mark Shroeder suggests stopping and raising the seats. The other Shroeders say no, so of course he stops. Stassi shrieks at him, while Char opts for a (justifiably) bitchy "we had momentum, Mark". When they start back up, Stassi groans that "one minute makes the biggest difference!" which is usually true, but again - they should have a two-hour lead on three teams at this point. The Linzes, Shroeders, and Pink Ladies finish biking. The Gaghans have found the racetrack. The Weavers bike. Linda pronounces Hattiesburg correctly, but goes for "colonial" instead of "colonel". There's inspirational music as the Weavers talk about their strength as a team. Um, you just pedaled a party bike around in a circle, because the producers (probably correctly) thought you'd fall apart at the sight of a racecar. It's understandable, but you don't earn a ton of respect for doing the watered-down task. Nice try, show.

The Gaghans are just getting started on the bike, so this editing is, indeed, wonky. The track is more than two miles long. Are you telling me that the Weavers (who left the chair at about the same time as the Gaghans) drove to Talladega, completed a two-mile course on a party bike, and left all before the Gaghans arrived? Something's fishy here. The Paolos arrive at Talladega, and Tony is absolutely thrilled with the clue, because he thinks he'll be in a racecar. Crushing his joy makes me happy. As the Gaghans wrap up and leave, they note the sky is becoming a bit threatening. It still looks calm but cloudy as the Paolos start pedaling, so I have no idea what the true order of events is in this episode.

The Linzes catch up to the Bransens on the highway. As they pass, Lauren moons them out the window. That'd usually be pretty funny, but mooning someone while your Dad sits three feet away? Ick. Because he's a wuss, Alex doesn't moon her back, but lifts his shirt up, then yells "Now it's your turn!" Heh. It's a family show, so we don't see how Lauren responds. She probably jiggled her boobies out the window while her father cheered her on. The Paolos pedal some more, and now it looks like the storm season that came right before the hurricanes is in full swing. Massive black clouds rise up, and there's a bunch of lightning as well. They show a shot of the storm as the Paolos hurry to their car, and it's the most impressive one I've seen in a long time.

One of the Bransen girls has a good idea, suggesting that they just pull into the nearest gas station in Hattiesburg, and look up Southern Colonel in the phone book. They find it easily, as do the Linzes. The clue says to search among the 37 trailer homes for a departure time the next morning. The times are 7:20 AM, 7:40 AM, and 8:00 AM. Unlike leading teams that find these sorts of clues in other seasons, Megan actually does the smart thing and insists upon finding the earliest time, rather than just hysterically pulling a ticket. Meanwhile, the Shroeders ask a police officer about the Colonel. He directs them to the right place, but Mark and Char are convinced that a trailer park couldn't possibly be what they're looking for. I kind of feel them on that one. I'd also have trouble believing that my destination would be that stupid. Char suggests looking in a phone book, but Mark dismisses that as too easy. Well, pick one, Mark. Either this place is a touristy-type thing, which means it would certainly be in the phone book, or it's a little out of the way thing, which means the police officer was probably right. Stassi is unhappy that they're not going to look in the phone book.

The Pink Ladies find a computer lab of some sort, and find the Colonel on the internet, complete with directions there. Nice! The Weavers get directions from some folks in a gas station. The Shroeders are still lost, and Stassi suggests stopping at a gas station for directions. Mark seems ambivalent about this as well. What the hell is his problem? He doesn't want to trust the police officer's directions. He doesn't want to look in a phone book. He doesn't want to stop at a gas station. Is he just expecting to trip over the Colonel at some point? What a tool. They actually wind up doing all three, as they find a phone book in a gas station that shows the police officer was right. Mark rips the phone book page out to take with them. That's pretty rude.

The Bransens and Linzes work together and find that the 7:20 AM departure time is the best, so they both grab one. The Pink Ladies and Weavers get to the Colonel at the same time. The Pink Ladies do the exactly wrong thing and just pull the first ticket they come to (7:40 AM). I don't understand how people mess this up so bad every season. They haven't seen another ticket, so for all they know, 7:40 is the latest departure time, which means there would be literally no disadvantage in looking for a better one. So stupid. Luckily for the Pink Ladies, the Weavers are equally as stupid, and pull the 8:00 departure time. The Shroeders are still lost, and Stassi is starting to lose her mind. They find the clue, and Stassi just weeps at how bad they're doing. They're in 5th. They started the leg in 3rd. Really no need for a tantrum just yet. The Pink Ladies have the unmitigated gall to tell them to look for 7:40 AM, as if they're sure it's the best time. The first trailer the Shroeders go into has the 8:00 time, and Mark actually suggests pulling it! He knows for a fact that's not the earliest time. Is everyone left on this show a complete moron? Stassi says as much, adding on that she does not want to have the same departure time as the Weavers. Understandable. The Gaghans arrive. Bill just pulls an 8:00 AM time. Sure, why not? Carissa says she doesn't like trailers because they're evil. I'd find that funnier if I weren't fuming about how fucking dumb these people are. The Paolos arrive, so the Shroeders panic and pull the first ticket they come to, which is an 8:00 AM. Stassi's crying again, so one of the Pink Ladies tries to soothe her by saying, get this, that the Shroeders will only be 20 minutes behind them. This somehow fails to comfort Stassi. She cries some more that one minute makes all the difference. This time she's right.

Commercials. I promise that if I ever need to transport twenty beach balls, I'll think about buying a Hyundai Santa Fe.

So of course the Paolos stumble across a 7:40 AM departure, because this season is populated by dumbasses. They take it because Marion says that they'll be leaving in less than five hours.

Blood Ray: "It's probably 11:00 PM."

Hahahaha. Man, this season would be becoming unbearable pretty quickly if I were watching it alone. Morning. The Bransens and Linzes leave at 7:20 AM. The clue tells them to drive to Richland, Mississippi and find a specific gas station. Once there, they'll have to look for a guy named Les to receive their next clue. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. Go to a gas station and get your next clue? This show does not deserve to call itself The Amazing Race. This is the stupidest fucking task in the history of this show, and I am not exaggerating. Whatever, let's just move on. The Pink Ladies and Paolos leave at 7:40 AM. The Weavers, Shroeders, and Gaghans are all leaving at 8:00 AM. They all deserve to leave at noon, with the way they've been playing. The Bransens and Linzes find Les. The clue tells them to go to Madisonville in the Pelican State (which is Louisiana), and find Fairview Riverside State Park. So that was Mississippi. Mobile homes and gas stations. Both teams figure out the Pelican State thing easily. The Pink Ladies blow right by the correct gas station. The Paolos have found it, though. The Pink Ladies actually see the Paolos turn in to the gas station (which is the right company as well), and decide that they must just be stopping off for something. Sure, ladies. They stopped at a gas station, but not the right one, because they need to buy snacks. Which, of course, they could never do at the correct gas station. DUMBASSES.

The Paolos get their clue and leave, now in third place. Frankly, they deserve third place right now. The Pink Ladies decide to turn around and go back to the gas station. Gee, ya think? They're mad. Hey, you told Stassi that 20 minutes doesn't make a difference. What's five to you? Apparently plenty. The Shroeders have spotted the gas station, and Stassi is still going on about how one minute (or maybe ticket) makes the biggest difference. We. Get. It. The Gaghans and Weavers are at the gas station too. Everyone gets the clue and takes off, except for the Shroeders who not only need gas, but have never heard of Madisonville, and they're from Louisiana. We're supposed to think they're dumb for this, but I'm certainly not familiar with every podunk town in Missouri. In the Gaghan car, Carissa sings a little ditty about finding a pen. The Shroeders unravel even more. Christine finds the highway they need on the map, and demands that the other Pink Ladies basically worship at her feet because she found the interstate. They give her high fives, but roll their eyes. Christine gets on my nerves too, ladies. Mark Shroeder, who apparently has a degree from the Denny Rogers Institute of Leading Your Family, tells Char not to get on the (correct) highway.

The Bransens and Linzes have found the park. Detour! Work vs. Play. In Work, you use a two-person saw to slice 12-inch diameter pieces off a log. Four slices and you're done. In Play, you row to a nearby riverboat and play Blackjack against a dealer. All four team members have to beat the dealer (or the dealer can bust). Win three times, and you're done. That sounds easier, but on reflection, having four people beat him would take a while. Add to that the time spent rowing, and I'd probably go for the log. Everyone has to put on "appropriate period clothing". Think Miss Kitty's saloon at Six Flags, only uglier. Both teams choose Play. The Shroeders have realized that they've missed their highway. Not only that, but the park they're looking for is 30 minutes from their house, and 5 minutes (!!!!) from where Mark used to work. And they've never heard of it, or the town it's in? DUMBASSES. They're suitably embarrassed. Back at the boat, the Linzes almost tip into the water, but don't. Boo! One of the Bransen girls doesn't know how to play Blackjack. Walter responds how I did: Oh, geez. The Paolos arrive and choose Work. Good choice on their part. The Pink Ladies arrive and choose Work as well. The card players are finding it more difficult to win than they thought, though the Bransens are through one round.

The Weavers are a bit lost, so the Gaghans are next to the Detour. They choose Play. The Linzes panic and bolt the card table to go do the logs. The Paolos are actually working well as a team to cut the logs. I'm surprised they didn't attempt to behead each other with the saws the second they got their hands on them. The Gaghans start to play, and the Bransens win their second round. The Paolos finish up their logs. They are currently in first place. Can you believe that shit? The clue tells them to get to the next pit stop: Preservation Hall in New Orleans, Louisiana. I've been there! Sorry, I'm contractually obliged to shout that whenever they go places I've been. I have a feeling they won't be indulging in the activities that I indulged in when I was in New Orleans, though. Wow, I never realized Lake Pontchartrain was that big. As the Paolos leave, the Bransens win their third round, so they're off as well. As they leave, the Weavers arrive. They choose Play. The Linzes and Pink Ladies are done with the logs. The Weavers have won two rounds while the Gaghans have yet to score. It looks like the Gaghans are hitting too often. I think the fastest way to win this would be to stay on anything 12 or over, and just hope the dealer busts. The Gaghans start to panic.

Commercials. Hey, Close to Home, you know what's really desperate? Invoking the name of a more popular show to try and drum up interest in yours.

The Gaghans give up, and leave to go do the logs. The Bransens and Linzes marvel at the size of Lake Pontchartrain. In the Pink Lady car, Christine wants to grab their bags to take with them when they get out of the car. I'm not really sure why, since they're on the way to the pit stop. They can pick up their stuff after they check in, I assume. The other ladies point out that it's not the best idea, since they have to run through the French Quarter. Christine first tries to be resolute ("Well, I'm taking my backpack!") to get respect. It doesn't work, so she cries to get sympathy. Christine is thirty-seven years old. Carissa is more mature than her. She interviews (during which she cries) that she cries to relieve tension when she's tired. I suppose I've heard of worse ways to relieve stress. It still seems like remarkably childish behavior on a woman pushing forty. Plus, she yells at the other Pink Ladies for making her cry. Like Mark, she needs to choose one. Either the other Pink Ladies are badgering her so much that she's upset (which...not - they just don't want to lug their backpacks), or she's just doing her normal cry to relieve stress routine, which she said doesn't mean much to her emotionally. She doesn't get to have it both ways.

The Weavers finish their Blackjack. You can tell they're in a hurry, because they don't badger the dealer about his relationship with the Lord. The Gaghans start sawing, and Carissa racks herself in the face with the saw. Sorry, but I laughed for about thirty full seconds after that. The Weavers are excited to see the Shroeders just arriving as they leave. Linda cautions them not to be too happy, since the Shroeders are familiar with the area. Irony! As a further insult to the Shroeders, it starts raining again as they choose Work. The Gaghans saw. Mark consults his Denny manual, and decides they need to change Detours. It's just as much game suicide as it was when the Rogers did it. They go across to the boat. The editing would suggest that they have won two rounds by the time the Gaghans are done sawing, but I don't buy it. The Weavers are going across the massive bridge, and Linda refers to Lake Pontchartrain as one of the five great lakes. She's a teacher. I'll leave it at that. The lead teams get into New Orleans. It looks like the show has actually blocked off parking spaces for them, which is kind of bullshit, but ranks pretty low on the bullshit scale when compared to a bunch of other things the producers have seen fit to throw at us this season, so whatever. The Paolos and Bransens search for Preservation Hall.

The Shroeders are musing about how close to home they are. Oh, they'll be even closer to their home soon enough. The Linzes have arrived in New Orleans. The Bransens have found Preservation Hall, and hit the mat in first. Well, I don't hate this particular team, so...yay? They win a trip to Orlando. The greeter grins awkwardly as they freak out. The Paolos arrive in second. The Paolos! Second! I don't think you need any more evidence as to how stupidly the other teams played this week. The Pink Ladies arrive. Christine isn't wearing her backpack, so nice empty threat, there. No wonder your sisters don't respect you. The Linzes hit the mat in third. The Weavers arrive. The Pink Ladies hit the mat in fourth. The Gaghans arrive. The Weavers hit the mat in fifth. Seeing a pattern? Yes, the editing again tries to be all tricky, but the Gaghans arrive in sixth, and the Shroeders are last. I'm fully expecting a non-elimination point. There are so many still to fit in. The Shroeders expect it, too. But we're all wrong. They're eliminated. Char is wracked with sobs that sound so miserable that I actually feel sorry for them. Still. Stop the bike to adjust the seats? Ignore directions given by local police officers? Pull a departure ticket without looking for earlier ones? Missing your highway? Switching your Detour choice? They deserve to be in last, so it's no great tragedy to see them go. At least Mark owns up to his mistakes and doesn't try to shove off the blame on the rest of the family. Denny would be disappointed in him.

Next week on The Amazing Race: Phil talks about DJ's fear of heights, but all I can concentrate on is the fact that he's holding the Fast Forward, which will probably put them into first place next week. Damn it. Sharon struggles at home plate during a baseball task. What, no tasks where the teams are sent to bus station bathrooms?

Overall Grade: D+

The Girl Who Gets A Boob Job

America's Next Top Model - Season 5, Episode 5

Previously on America's Next Top Model: Cassandra decided that cutting seven inches off her hair was fine, but eight? Now you've gone too far! She quit the competition and vowed to return to beauty pageants. Hopefully, she returns to a salon first so they can try to salvage something out of that hideous mess. Tyra states that a "crush on Kim" caused Sarah's performance to suffer, but when was Sarah's performance any better? In any case, the pontoon-lipped Missourian was cut loose, and came home to her boyfriend, whose first words to her were probably "So, you were into some chick, huh? Because my friend Candy said that she wouldn't mind joining us some night. Here, do this shot of Wild Turkey." Nine girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Bel Air. Kim feels a bit ambivalent about Sarah's elimination, since she was on the block as well. If Kim doesn't start taking better pictures soon, she may be joining Sarah in Loserville. Eh, who am I kidding? This show loves mouthy lesbians. Kim won't be cut until the final four or so. The remaining girls decide to take a picture of themselves, some of them topless. Nicole interviews that Diane didn't want to be in the booby shots, I guess because she's curvier than the other girls, but it looks like several of them didn't go topless. I am a bit surprised to see Nicole flashing her goods. Not only that, but she and Fugly Lisa go through Lisa's stash of alcohol (which is considerable). Wow, Fugly Lisa a booze-hag? Who would have thunk it? Actually, who wouldn't have thunk it? I guess it's possible some infants may not have been able to call that one. Fugly Lisa continues giving "advice" to the other girls about their posing and such. Even if we give her the benefit of the doubt and say that she doesn't know she's driving the other girls batshit, Coryn gives it to her straight: "Why would I listen to someone I'm competing against? That's stupid." Hah! Sock it to her, Coryn! So now Fugly Lisa knows that Coryn doesn't want the "tips" she has to give. Let's keep that in mind for later. The funniest part of this scene is that Fugly Lisa interviews that Coryn is "hard looking" and the next shot is one of Fugly Lisa looking like she's just spent about twenty years in a trailer with nothing but cartons of cigarettes and forties of Natural Light.

Tyra Mail. It says something about "pluses and minuses", so the girls think it may have something to do with math. Because math challenges show up so often on modeling shows. This ain't Square One TV, you nits. I wish it were. That show was so awesome. Remember the Mathnet case about... What? Oh. Fine. The next morning the girls go Smashbox, which is the home of LA Fashion Week. OJ tells the girls about Twiggy, and how she redefined the landscape of modeling. Diane interviews that Twiggy changed the industry so that everyone was now interested in skinny girls. She then gives the camera a look like, "that bitch", and laughs to show she's kidding. I love Diane. Twiggy then comes out to talk to the girls about turning their negatives into positives, using herself as an example, but when she tells her story, it sounds like she just happened to be in the right place at the right time. She didn't really hide what she calls her negatives. It's just that her "negatives" (like being too thin, and having ears that stick out a bit) were what people wanted to see at that point.

Bre says she's confident on the runway (which causes OJ to give Twiggy the snottiest look in the world - shut up, you fuckstick), but that her confidence doesn't translate to pictures. Diane is worried that showing off her curves makes her look like a porn star. Twiggy gives them both very patient, helpful answers about being focused and true to themselves. She's just given better advice in twenty seconds than OJ has in five seasons. Twiggy leaves, and OJ brings out Dean and Davis Factor, who own the place. He then passes out a questionnaire. Each of them has to write down what they think their own personal flaws are, along with what they think the other girls' flaws are. Kyle (looking completely gorgeous - I'm quite the Kyle fan now) interviews that she suspects Fugly Lisa will be pretty harsh on the questionnaire because she's so judgmental. Nice! Jayla's also on board with this line of thinking, interviewing that Coryn will take her criticisms to heart because Fugly Lisa's been "dogging" on her so much. OJ and the Factor boys collect the questionnaires.

Let's just say at the outset that both the flaws that the girls have chosen and OJ's advice for how to hide them are mostly bullshit. I mean, look at Jayla. The worst thing everyone could come up with are her (apparently) big ears. I'd say Jayla's teeth should be her main concern. Bre's forehead is (apparently) too large, as are her front teeth. Nicole is (apparently) too pale. Diane (apparently) doesn't show her personality (read: boobs) enough in her photos. Nike (apparently) has bug eyes. Fugly Lisa (apparently) has cross eyes. Kim (apparently) has an untoned ass and love handles, which (apparently) stem from her (apparently) narrow hips. Kyle's neck is (apparently) too short. Coryn is (apparently) too skinny and muscular. She knows immediately that it was Fugly Lisa who wrote that, but for once it's because she was asked to, so Coryn should probably save that Eye of Death for later.

It's later. The girls are getting ready for a photo shoot challenge, and someone asks Coryn what's wrong. "Dumb bitches. They get on my nerves." I guess Fugly Lisa is so annoying that she counts as two people now, because I don't think Coryn is referring to anyone else. Fugly Lisa's all like "whatever you have to say, why don't you confront me with it?" hoping Coryn will back down. Coryn does not back down. She essentially says "I have nothing to say to you, and am not interested in anything you have to say to me, so let's each just pretend the other doesn't exist." Fugly Lisa claims to be fine with that, but she's so not. She operates by needling and picking. She's an attention whore. Someone cutting off contact is the best punishment you could ever devise for her. Coryn even says outright, but very calmly: "I just don't like you." Awesome.

Commercials. That ad for Television Scene It just shamefully reminds me that I haven't been able to beat my sister at that game. Thanks for destroying my self-confidence, commercials.

When we return, that little fight scene is recapped, along with Jayla telling us the same thing. We get it now, thanks. Not two minutes after Fugly Lisa proclaimed to be fine with not talking to Coryn, she whines "what, you don't want to sit next to me?" to her. She may just be doing it to annoy her, but Coryn will not be swayed; she shuts her down again. Kyle and Kim are happy that Coryn spoke out and said what they've all been thinking. Fugly Lisa then interviews "Everyone let her be mad at me," like she was expecting the other girls to leap to her defense. She may just be that delusional. Suddenly, the girls are back at the pad, opening Tyra Mail. Wait, so why were they just putting on makeup and stuff at Smashbox? This is confusing.

OK, I must have missed something, or this show's editors need a spanking. It's now the next day, and time for a challenge that Miss J describes. The girls will be directing their photographer (yet another Jay) for two shots: one that accentuates their "flaw", and one that hides it. Bre's up first. She's wearing a T-shirt that reads "I [heart] Black People" that I covet. She does a fairly good job, though I'm not sure she did a great job hiding her forehead in the second shot. Diane. Her two shots are almost identical. Sigh. Jayla tries to hide her Dumbo ears by turning to the side for her second shot, but it doesn't work. Nike. It's strange to say, but she actually doesn't do a good job in her first shot, i.e.: accentuating her big eyes. She looks drop-dead gorgeous in the second one. She's not even made up for a photo shoot! She's so going to win this season. Coryn sucks, but how do you hide your "flaw" if it's a muscular body? She doesn't have a burqua on hand. Fugly Lisa's second shot looks good, but she's not really working with or around her "lazy eye". Nicole does a good job, possibly by having the photographer overexpose her. Kyle's great, though she's not good at explaining to the photographer what she wants. Not only does her first shot make it look like she has a short neck, and the second one doesn't, but she looks beautiful in both shots! How'd she do that? Kim sucks. Have we seen her take a good picture yet? I really don't think we have.

Jay (the photographer) gets to choose the challenge's winner: Kyle! Yay! She's thrilled. She and two friends get to go to a spa for a massage. Finally, a good reward. Poor Bre's probably spitting mad, thinking of her caviar dinner. Kyle chooses Kim and Coryn. They have a great time at the spa. They start talking shit about who they like and hate in the house. Meow. Of course, Kyle isn't bitching about anyone. Kyle never bitches about the others. Just like always, she listens and nods her head while Kim and Coryn shred Fugly Lisa.

The next day, Jayla opens the Tyra Mail. It says something about "fake it till you make it" and that the girls should be ready at 6:30 AM. Wait! You just showed us an evening scene at the spa followed by a bright blue sky. Is it not the next day? It must not be. Who's editing this crap? Whatever. Let's just cut ahead to the photo shoot. The girls meet OJ at a set that's made up to look like a plastic surgery operating room. What the fuck is Kim wearing? She's got her hair spiked out, blue-tinted glasses (with heavy black frames), a blue and white (striped, of course) shirt, and a fur stole wrapped around her neck. Is she blind? She looks ridiculous. OJ explains that the shoot will be poking fun at people who take plastic surgery to the extreme. Who do we know that would have some expertise in that area? Why, it's guest photographer Janice Dickinson! The girls cheer when she comes out, but she's not satisfied until Jayla bows down and worships at her feet. Heh. Bre is understandably nervous that Janice will slice her to ribbons.

Commercials. It's not like I'd ever blow off my grandmother to go smoke pot, but if I had? She wouldn't have sat around all day waiting for me. But then, she wasn't a moron.

Fugly Lisa is happy to see Janice because she thinks they're a lot alike. Nice try, Fugly Lisa. You may both be certifiably insane, but Janice has the intelligence and guts to carry it off. There's an obvious overdub where OJ tells the girls that the procedures are fake. First of all, duh. Secondly, I'm not sure why the producers felt the need to insert that, but it was really poorly done. Are they just pulling people off the street to edit this episode? Fugly Lisa's getting a "face lift". Why not just actually give her one? We'd all win. Bre's getting "cheek implants". Jayla - "butt implant". Kyle - "lip implant". Nike - "hair extension". Nicole - "fake tan". Kim - "boob job". Diane - "breast reduction". Coryn - "Botox". Hit it! The girls go into hair and makeup. Janice starts explaining to Kyle why she became a model, and slithers onto her lap. Kyle looks completely freaked out. She interviews that Janice is intimidating because she's so forward. So true. It's appalling that the show dumped her. I guess Tyra was tired of being upstaged. Janice asks Kim if she's a lesbian. Kim: "Yes." Janice: "That's hot." I suppose reading twenty "heh" or "Ha!" or "HAHAHAHA!!!" would be tiresome, but you should assume I'm giggling delightedly through this entire scene. Bre asks for a little smooch and Janice gives her one, followed by an offhand "Nice!". Fugly Lisa swaggers up to her, convinced they're soul sisters and Janice knocks her down a peg or twelve. Fugly Lisa disses the other girls. Janice tells her not to dis the other girls. Fugly Lisa denies dissing the other girls, apparently hoping that Janice's memory span isn't longer than 15 microseconds. Which it probably isn't. Coryn calls Fugly Lisa on her bullshit, and suddenly Fugly Lisa is bawling in an interview about how "offended" she is that Janice and Coryn were so blunt, even though she said that's what she loves about Janice, and it's what makes them so alike. Apparently, Fugly Lisa hopes that our memory span isn't longer than 15 microseconds.

That little scene, right there? Bumped the episode grade by a full letter. Classic.

Nike's up first, and Janice thinks the shot will be better if Nike's naked, with the hair extensions covering her naughty bits. She's right. Nike looks terrific, as always. Kim shows no expression in her face, and Janice tears her a new asshole. It's about time someone did. I don't hate Kim, but she is a terrible model. Kyle looks wonderful, and Janice has nothing but praise for her. Sweet. I'm not wild about Bre's hair, but her face is pretty. Janice doesn't think she connects with the camera. I suppose that's true. Coryn. Janice says she needs softness in her face. Huh? Coryn's supposed to be portraying someone who just got Botox. Softness should be the last thing you see in her face. Poor Coryn. She just can't catch a break today. Fugly Lisa goes up for her turn while Kim and Jayla make fun of her on the sidelines. Janice hears them and declares them jealous, which they probably are. Like I said, I don't have a lot of problems with Kim, and I think my feelings on Fugly Lisa are pretty clear, but Lisa has looked better than Kim in every single picture taken in this competition so far, including this one. Nicole's fake tan makes her look completely fried, and she does an excellent job, which Janice notes. Jayla's boring. Diane's boobs are taped down, which she finds painful. She cries. As usual, her face is really pretty when she poses, but her insecurity shows, and she can't pose very well. Janice advises the girls to be kind to their fellow models, and they go home.

Elimination looms, which Nike and Diane note in the confessional. Diane looks completely destroyed by this point. She looks tired and depressed and you just want to reach out and give her a hug. Everyone's nervous about the upcoming panel.

Commercials. I would literally rather watch two hours of actual fog than The Fog.

We are welcomed into the Chamber of Doom with a picture of Tyra pulling her eyes back so that she looks like a freak. Is that what her flaw is supposed to be? What'ere, Jane Eyre. She introduces the judges, including the Factor boys as the guest judges. What the fuck? They spent all of two minutes with the girls and all they did was collect the questionnaires! Janice was the guest photographer, and should have been the guest judge. Does Tyra really hate her that much? The final challenge is to try to explain away your flaw at a fake go-see. Most of the girls do fine. Nike has straight hair for the elimination, and still looks good. I don't know how she can transition from straight to curly and back again so often. Fugly Lisa tries that trick where you pretend to be self-deprecating, and it backfires. Kim describes her poses to the judges, which they don't appreciate. Nigel makes the "blah blah blah" motion with his hands. Heh.

Photo evaluations. Diane is too insecure. Nigel tells her that they want a "plus size" personality, which is really insulting when you stop to think about it. Her photo is fairly good. Tyra tells the others that Janice shot the pictures, and Nigel says that models make the best photographers, just so we can transition to shots of Nigel when he was a model himself. I won't deny my baser instincts. Nigel was fiiiiiiiiine. He still is. Plus, that British accent? Mmm. By now both the judges and I have completely forgotten about poor Diane. Kim. Miss J likens Kim's posing explanations to Charlie Brown's schoolteacher. That is a perfect analogy. Her photo is so, so boring. In my admittedly not very expert opinion, she's just not photogenic in the least. The judges tell Fugly Lisa not to point out her flaws to people who may be looking to hire her, like, DUH. Her photo is beautiful and the judges are pleased with her. Coryn is too sad and stoic. I don't like her photo, and the judges seem mostly bored by it. Everyone has nothing but praise for Kyle. The judges seem more interested in the picture of Jennifer Lopez tacked to the wall in Jayla's photo than they are in Jayla herself. Nicole doesn't push herself to any limits, relying on the same sort of poses in each shot. That makes some sense. The entire world loves Nike. Nigel notes that Bre looks down in the mouth this week. She tells them that the criticisms in elimination can wear you down after a while, which was a bad idea, no matter how true it is. They will cut you loose in a second if you lose your spark. Look what happened to poor Brittany in Cycle 4. They do love her photo, though.

Commercials. I feel for the girl who's making grotesque faces because her contacts are bugging her. Those fuckers can hurt.

Deliberations. Bre's in trouble because of her depressed attitude. So is Coryn. So is Diane. Elimination. Kyle is safe. Jayla. Nike. Fugly Lisa. Nicole. Kim. Coryn. Will Diane and Bre please step forward? This is interesting, because Bre did fairly well in the flaw challenge, did a good job at the photo shoot, and passed her fake go-see with flying colors. The only reason she's in the bottom two is because she doesn't like getting torn down week after week. That doesn't seem quite fair. Maybe the judges are just trying to put a scare into her, because she's safe and Diane will be the one going home. She hugs the other girls as she begins to cry, and thanks Tyra for the opportunity as she leaves. Aw. Hey, this is different Girl Goes Home music. Still smiling brightly through her tears, Diane says that business is business and she guesses she has more to learn. She's a sweetie. Back to the Future fadeout.

Next week on America's Next Top Model: Tyra implies that there's backstabbing afoot when the girls shoot a commercial, but it looks like Nike (who's about as cutthroat and vicious as a salamander) is involved, so I doubt it. Fugly Lisa and Coryn continue to be mortal enemies.

Overall Grade: C+

I Don't Kiss, I Make Out!

The Amazing Race - Season 8, Episode 3

Previously on The Amazing Race: Nine teams made their way from Lancaster, Pennsylvania to Washington, D.C. Several teams wound up at the wrong reflecting pool, because reading the clue is, like, hard and stuff. Afterwards, they took part in a "covert" Roadblock that Harriet the Spy would have dismissed as too juvenile. Nobody "EVAH EVAH EVAH" listens to Mama Paolo! If she'd like to know why, I'd point out that harridan and harpy are really close to each other in the dictionary. It wouldn't take long for her to look up both. Several teams appeared to struggle at the Civil War themed Detour, but they could have been at it all day and night without it making a whit of difference, since the Rogers family got lost over and over again, then got eliminated. Way to rule that family, Denny! Eight teams remain. Which team's elimination will cause me to question my faith in God tonight?

Credits. That advancing pastel wall of Weavers is horrifying. No wonder they're holding those horses so tightly. The poor things are probably trying to bolt. Commercials. I'm not sure how someone knowing I like plantains would lead to my identity being stolen. You wanna pass the ganja, AOL?

Middleburg, Virginia. Apparently, the twelve hour pit stop rule is in effect this week, as the Weavers leave at 2:26 AM. The clue tells them to fly to Charleston, South Carolina, and drive themselves to the Battery. A gazebo there will have their next clue. Hah! Last week, I said that the Weavers needed more Carmen Sandiego in their lives, and the Battery is exactly where Where in the USA is Carmen Sandiego sends you when you go to South Carolina. Rebecca interviews that they don't want any "drama" on the race. Welcome to Reality Show Foreshadowing 101. The Linzes are leaving at 2:27 AM. Megan says that sometimes her brothers don't listen to her because she's the lone girl in a group of macho guys. I'd say they're not so much macho as emotionally retarded. I can see how she'd get those confused, though. The Pink Ladies are off at 2:29 AM. Sharon interviews that the family doesn't really have a leader, because she doesn't want to say the truth, which is that she is the leader. The other ladies babble amongst themselves as Sharon tries to direct their driver to the airport they need to go to. I like Sharon. The Shroeders leave at 2:35 AM. Char is happy that the kids don't think of her as a stepmom in that "negative connotation". My, they're laying the foreshadowing on thick this week. Also, do people still automatically assign stepmothers a negative connotation? Isn't the Cinderella age behind us now? My stepmother is great. We hear the most out of Hunter yet as he says he's not very familiar with Charleston. Char tells him they need to focus and he rolls his eyes and gives a massive (though silent) "whatever". Heh.

Matt Aiello does a happy little jig on the mat as they leave at 2:37 AM. He is so adorable. They read off that they need to go to Chaaaaalston. OK, he's adorable, but those Boston accents are not. Ugh. The Bransens' departure time is 2:38 AM. These times are really close together. I thought that traffic jam last week slowed some teams down. Guess not. Walter is still wearing that "Late Night with David Letterman" shirt. He's been wearing that thing for, like, three days now. Ew. The Gaghans leave at 2:43 AM with a little pep talk from Billy. Tammy interviews that they're trying to raise the children like little adults instead of kids that are going to hold them back. I can certainly get behind that. Kids aren't dumb; I never patronize them. I'll be treating my impending nephew as a social equal when he's about three weeks old. Bill interviews that his kids are great, and he's really proud of them. Aw. Blood Ray makes throaty growls at my side. Down, boy.

The Weavers and Linzes are stuck behind some oversized trucks on the highway. Meanwhile, the Bransens borrow a cell phone from their driver and call ahead to the airport to check on flights. The Gaghans do the same thing. They both find the same US Air flight, which arrives in Charleston at 10:06 AM. The Paolos are now leaving at 3:05 AM. I'm anxious to get away from them, but the next team we see is the Weavers, so my situation hasn't much improved. It hasn't improved for them either, as they realize they have missed their exit. They decide to ask their driver to stop on the highway, and back up so they can get to the exit. Normally, I'd blast them for doing something so stupid (and do they really want to do something so dangerous, given the way the father died?), but it wasn't their fault they missed the exit, there's hardly any traffic around, since it's the middle of the night, and I'd probably break some traffic laws too if I were in a race for a million dollars. That's pretty much the last time you'll hear me defend the Weavers tonight. Hope you enjoyed it, Weaver fans. All zero of you.

The Linzes and Weavers arrive at the Washington-Dulles airport. They find a flight at Independence Air that gets them into Charleston at 10:04 AM, two minutes earlier than the flight the Bransens and Gaghans know about. Eh, I wouldn't really worry about a two minute difference. More teams arrive at the airport. Walter gives the Aiello family the tip that he's found the first flight, which he hasn't, but again: two minutes. To their credit, the Aiellos note the earlier flight at Independence Air, and pass the word along to the Bransens. The Pink Ladies have already arrived and gotten these tickets. As the Aiellos buy tickets from one agent, the Shroeders buy them from another, and that sells out the Independence flight, so the Bransens won't be able to get on. They scuttle off to US Air to get the other flight. The Gaghans arrive and get the same tickets, and now that one is sold out as well.

And now, the comment we had to rewind to watch about three times, because we couldn't believe someone would actually utter it. Linda Weaver: "We've got time just to come and familiarize ourselves with the airport, and find out...anything." You see, the Weavers don't know how air travel works. Seriously, they don't. They're asking airline agents for information. Not specific information; just stuff like how airports work. Can I ask why they applied to be on this show? Did they not think air travel was going to enter into the picture at some point? Stassi watches them suspiciously, sure that they're up to something sneaky. I guess she doesn't know that they're too dumb for mischief. The Aiellos also think they're up to something, and David asks them if they found a better flight. They ignore him, and he's completely pissed off. I mean, the Weavers don't really have an obligation to help their direct competition, but it seems that David's more mad because they wouldn't even acknowledge his presence, not even with a "can't help you, sorry." That, I understand. The only comfort I can give him is that he wouldn't want to associate with the Weavers, anyway. Well, I could offer another kind of comfort, but Blood Ray would kill me. The Paolos finally arrive and get a flight on United that puts them in Charleston at 10:38 AM. It's always nice to see them behind.

As the teams wait for their flights, Rolly and Hunter bond the way pre-teen boys bond: by punching each other in the leg. Char is not thrilled to see this, because she's sure Hunter is passing vital information to the Weavers such as... Such as... Anyway, she pulls Hunter aside and in her own words, tells him to shut his piehole. The minute her back is turned, Hunter tells Rolly she's a bitch. So much for them not sticking you in the "evil stepmother" pigeon-hole, there, Char. The first two flights take off. The Paolos are being typically Paolish. I refuse to pay attention to them. Their flight takes off too, and unfortunately is not diverted to the center of a black hole.

Commercials. I know we're supposed to find that commercial where the guy flies his wife's whole family to Italy and re-proposes to her romantic, but I really want to punch all of them in the mouth.

Charleston, South Carolina. The first flight lands, and everyone picks a car to go to the Battery. The Linzes call the Weavers "team fruit loop", which is an insult to an awesome cereal. Also, show? It's Froot Loop. Get it right. Although it does warm my heart to see team after team express disgust with the Weavers. Flight #2 also lands. The Shroeders are first to the gazebo. The clue is this week's Detour: Forrest Gump or Muddy Waters. Wow, this is some truly stupid Detour-naming. If and when the race gets to St. Louis, do not name one of the choices after an overrated sappy movie, please. In Forrest Gump, teams go seven miles, get onto a boat, and de-head two hundred pounds of shrimp. In Muddy Waters, teams go 37 miles, get into a 4x4, and drive through a mud bog. My initial instinct would be to go for the shrimp, not only because I would hate any and all driving tasks, but because it sounds genuinely faster. Other teams have also reached the clue. The Shroeders and Linzes head for the shrimp, while the Weavers go for the mud bog. Flight #3 lands. The Pink Ladies find the gazebo and choose shrimp, while the Aiellos head for the mud bog. I love typing the phrase "mud bog".

The Shroeders reach the boat and get a quick lesson in de-heading shrimp. Char calls the lady on the boat "ma'am", so it's good to see she's only a bitch to Hunter, and not to strangers. They get started. The Linzes have a little spat, but find the boats as well. The Pink Ladies are right behind, and what the hell? Christine is wearing rubber dish gloves. In their car. Um...why? Whatever. The Gaghans arrive at the gazebo in sixth (mud bog!), and the Bransens are close behind. They choose shrimp. The Weavers and Aiellos arrive at the mud bog. Mud bog! They both get stuck in the mud. Bog. Mud bog! The Bransens are already starting their shrimp. The Paolos are at the gazebo and choose shrimp. More problems for the families at the mud bog. Mud bog! Back at the boats, Stassi is yelling at Hunter for not de-heading the shrimp correctly. "Hunter, let me demonstrate what you are doing!" she bleats. "Let me demonstrate how to shut up," he replies. I kind of love Hunter. Everyone laughs. I go back and forth on the Shroeders. Sometimes, they're genuinely funny. If Mark talked a lot less, I'd probably like them a lot more. Tommy Linz gives one of his unlucky shrimp (in more ways than one) a French kiss. The Pink Ladies snip at each other. The Bransens are tearing through their shrimp. They're glad to have found something they're good at.

The Gaghans have arrived at the mud bog. Mud bog! After their sixth failure, the Weavers give up and head for the shrimp instead. The Shroeders have finished their shrimp. Their clue sends them to the Charleston Visitor Center to sign up for one of two buses that will take them to a "mystery destination"; one that leaves at 3:00 PM, and one that leaves at 5:00 PM. The Linzes, Pink Ladies, and Bransens are done with the shrimp, as the Paolos get started on theirs. Mud bog! The Gaghans make it through the run on their first attempt. Ouch. That's gotta be even more embarrassing for the Aiellos than when they got passed in the Amish buggy. Back at the Visitor Center, the Linzes, Shroeders, Pink Ladies, and Bransens get on the first bus. Wait, wait, wait. Assuming the two-minute flight difference didn't amount to much, everyone except the Paolos should have been on a fairly equal footing upon arrival in Charleston. The Gaghans got through the Detour on their first attempt, and are still stuck on the later bus. In other words, much like in the first episode, one of the Detour options has zero advantages. Any team that chose Muddy Waters is automatically hosed. This is complete crap.

Now that it doesn't matter in the least, let's check in with the Aiellos! They're still not through the course on their 13th attempt. Why is Kevin still driving? Shouldn't someone else give it a go after you fail five times or so? David bounces around in the passenger seat trying to will the car forward with his body and grunting. He's hot. Blood Ray: "I'd like an audio loop of David's voice during that scene."

Commercials. Once upon a time, my mother pointed out that every single Country Crock ad ends with that simpering woman's asinine giggle. Now I can't hear anything else.

Poor, ineffectual Kevin is finally ejected from the driver's seat, and big, strong David gets them through the course on the 14th attempt. Mud bog! That's nice and all, but we know they're stuck on the loser bus, so boo. The Gaghans are just now getting the bad news that they're on it too. The Paolos still need to shut the fuck up. Even worse, now that the Weavers are in last place, it doesn't make a difference. I hate this episode. The Paolos are at the Visitor Center before the Aiellos (who arrived in Charleston a half an hour earlier), so there's another clue that the shrimp was way too easy. I hate this episode. The Weavers finally catch up. On the loser bus, Bill Gaghan joyfully yells "We're all in last plaaaaace!" and everyone cheers. Heh.

Phil lets us in on the mystery destination: Huntsville, Alabama, which is eight hours away. Once there, the teams will find their next clue. Care to tell us where in Huntsville they're going, Phil? I guess not. Oh, here we go. The clue is at the bus station, and tells them to go to the U.S. Space and Rocket Center, five miles away. They have to find a specific hangar once they get there. Hope you like the order that the teams leave the bus station, because there is pretty much no way that anyone can get ahead or behind from here on out. I hate this episode. In the lead, the Bransen girl who's driving asks where she should go, and one of the others helpfully points out that she should probably head for that giant rocket with all the lights on it in the distance. She must be the smart one. They get to the hangar first, and it's the stupidest Roadblock ever. Two team members get into a centrifuge and are spun until the pressure hits 3.2 G. So basically their task is to...sit still. I hate this episode. The only good thing about this segment is that Phil demonstrates the centrifuge, and is typically unflappable. His voice hasn't changed a bit, even though he's being spun and crushed by pressure. You show 'em, Phil. Elizabeth and Lindsay (who I only identified because of the subtitles) take it on.

Blood Ray points out that we haven't yet seen any points where teams are equalized by hours of operation. That's a good point. On a normal season, there'd be no way something like this would be open in what appears to be the middle of the night. Strange. The Linzes arrive, and we get the first, but not the last, shot of Alex staring out the window with psycho bug eyes. Aaaaaaah! The Shroeders arrive third. The Bransens begin to spin as the Linzes wait their turn. Well, we knew it was only a matter of time before one of the Linzes did the stupid sideways visor thing that was cool for twenty seconds in 1998, then thankfully sputtered and died. Might as well get it out of the way now. I hate the sideways visor thing. I also hate this episode. The Pink Ladies get to the hangar. The Bransens get their clue, which tells them to make their way on foot to Rocket Park, find a computer within the museum, log onto a web service that I am not mentioning, and get their next clue from Phil. So, since the centrifuge takes X amount of minutes, it spaces the teams out to regular intervals, so it's worth another mention that barring someone being struck by lightning or something, nothing can be done to change the order of teams. So stupid. I hate this episode.

The Linzes (Alex and Tommy) spin. Zzzzzz. The Shroeders (Mark and Stassi) spin. Zzzzzz. The Bransens find their computer. Phil tells them to go to the space shuttle Pathfinder, this week's pit stop. They're off. The Linzes do the same. Stop showing us Alex's psycho eyes! It's edited to look close, but it's so not. The Bransens hit the mat in first. The greeter is an old astronaut-looking dude. They win free gasoline for life. OK, now that is an awesome prize. I think I'd rather have that than the $5000 each of the individual Pink Ladies won in the first leg. The Bransens are thrilled. The Linzes are nowhere to be seen during this, but soon check in as team #2.

Back on the loser bus (remember them?), the Weaver girls are...crying? The hell? Why? Because they're so stressed to be on a bus and not to have gotten any sleep or whatever. Well, I'd suggest that instead of whining and crying they, you know, GO TO SLEEP. Linda says that she feels like she's a prisoner on the bus. So they're being chauffeured to their next destination instead of having to navigate for themselves, and Linda's upset by this? I hate the Weavers so much. I hate this episode. They begin to freak out on the bus, and the other teams are like "Great. Not only are we behind, but we're stuck with these fucking twits." The teams stop off at Waffle House, and the Weavers decide to trick the other teams into thinking that they're not stressed at all, really they're very happy! They proceed to do the worst acting job since Claire Danes in...anything, dancing around the parking lot with huge grins. One of the Paolo sons interviews that the Weavers have snapped, and I'd agree, except that I think the Weavers snapped a long time ago.

Commercials. Eat at Jack in the Box. Because stalking someone is funny.

Bus of Crazy. The Weavers are singing loudly, while the other teams are trying to sleep. Everyone completely hates them. I never thought I'd feel sorry for the Paolos, but there it is. The Shroeders are on their way to Rocket Park, while the Pink Ladies (Michelle and Christine) spin. The loser bus arrives and everyone heads to the hangar. The Shroeders check in as team #3. The Pink Ladies are team #4. The Weavers are first of the loser bus teams to pull the clue. In the car, Bill tells Billy that at space camp, they simulate weightlessness. Billy gets a face like "that is the coolest thing I have ever heard," then declares that he wants to do whatever task it is. I've really warmed up to Billy. When the teams get there, everyone realizes that it's first come, first serve. The Paolos pull number 6, the Gaghans 7, and the Aiellos 8. I am in so much suspense as to who's going to lose this week, aren't you? The Weavers check in as team #5. Phil clearly hates their guts. Linda gives an interview that "this is us. If you like us, great. If you don't, well, we're not going to change for you." First of all, 99% of people who have to give the "I don't care if you don't like me" speech are assholes, and know they're assholes. Secondly, there's a difference between "I'm not going to change my overall personality to please you," and "I'm going to sing loudly while you're trying to sleep because that's just who I am! I gotta be me!" It's not that people don't like you just because you're you, Linda. They don't like you because you're rude, stupid, and kind of crazy.

I hate this episode. This is bullshit. Why even go over it to any amount of detail (except that Bill Gaghan looks especially good while they're waiting their turn at the centrifuge)? The teams spin in the order they pulled the ticket. The teams get to the computers in the order they pulled the ticket. The teams check in at the mat in the order they pulled the ticket. That means the Aiellos are last, and they're eliminated. Fuck. Tony is proud of his guys. David and Matt are still hot. I can't even watch this another time.

Next week on The Amazing Race: A task takes the teams to a racetrack, which causes the Weavers to freak out even more than usual. The Pink Ladies have a fight.

So let's see. We got a stupidly named, extremely poorly designed Detour. We got a boring Roadblock that spaced the teams out to the degree that all of their actions were meaningless, and we lost a loving, functional, good-looking family so that we can spend more time with the loud-ass Paolos and crazy-ass Weavers. Gotcha. And no, I didn't hear the phrase "I don't kiss, I make out!" during any of the multiple times I viewed several scenes, and I'm not going back in to find it.

I hate this episode.

Overall Grade: F