America's Next Top Model - Season 11, Episode 11
The last episode of America's Next Top Model is usually a big to-do of nerves, drama, and more often than not, the banishment of the season's Bitch. This season, however, just comes to a gentle stop. In the first half, the girls have to deliver a CoverGirl commercial with some Dutch lines. Analeigh is surprisingly bad, while McKey is surprisingly good. Samantha rides the middle, as she is wont to do. From there, it's on to those beauty shots that often come off as sort of creepy. Samantha's looks a bit wooden, while Analeigh continues being Blandy McWhitebread. McKey's is lovely, and she becomes a lock for the final two. That settled, the judges cut Analeigh, aware that if she won, America would fall asleep midway through her post-victory joy.
The second half is the traditional runway show, which is very uneventful. Neither McKey nor Samantha is that good or that bad, though it's nice to see Whitney again. Both girls are roundly complimented at panel, but McKey has clearly been stronger overall, and she takes the win. I must say, I wouldn't have called it when this season began, but I'm very pleased. With McKey, that is. The show, however? It's getting duller by the season. It just may be time to snip Tyra once and for all.
Overall Grade: B+
Overall Season Grade: C
Showing posts with label Model. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Model. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
In Vino Veri-ta-tas
America's Next Top Model - Season 11, Episode 10
Marjorie, heavy with the knowledge that the judges have had it up to their ugly bling with her nerve fits, vows to relax and enjoy every moment from here on out. Unfortunately, the only way she can relax is by getting blitzed.
First, though, Paulina gives a teach about wordless acting, which is an unusually pertinent topic to cover for this show, but is also boring as shit to watch. It's set up for the later challenge, in which the girls must silently run on a treadmill while flirting with a male model, then kiss him and run away. Paulina and some other random judge nod solemnly through all the performances, even though all the girls' acting faces the audience (us), and the judges just see the back of their heads. In any event, all four of them do better than expected, with Marjorie taking the prize for her natural demeanor. She and Analeigh split a shopping spree at a bland store that the show unsuccessfully tries to play up as trendy.
Back at the pad, the girls invite the guys who drove their boats around to the go-sees up for a party. Marjorie gets wasted and hops in the tub with one of them (fully-clothed), and Analeigh acts like Marjorie's one step away from doing a bump of coke off his ass and jumping out the window. The party becomes unfun in a hurry, and Samantha and McKey display some more awesomeness by kicking the guys out.
The photo shoot is boring, and just features the girls looking like replicants, standing in front of a windmill. McKey is reliably good, and Analeigh continues doing quite well while simultaneously putting me to sleep. Samantha starts off extremely rocky, but manages to pull it together for her last frames. Marjorie is terrible. In her determination to hold her nerves in check, she winds up looking stiff and awkward. Though Tyra would dearly love to eliminate Samantha, the judges simply can't overlook the fact that her photo is so superior to Marjorie's, and Marjorie gets the boot. Guess she should have stuck with her nerve meltdowns, after all.
Overall Grade: B-
Marjorie, heavy with the knowledge that the judges have had it up to their ugly bling with her nerve fits, vows to relax and enjoy every moment from here on out. Unfortunately, the only way she can relax is by getting blitzed.
First, though, Paulina gives a teach about wordless acting, which is an unusually pertinent topic to cover for this show, but is also boring as shit to watch. It's set up for the later challenge, in which the girls must silently run on a treadmill while flirting with a male model, then kiss him and run away. Paulina and some other random judge nod solemnly through all the performances, even though all the girls' acting faces the audience (us), and the judges just see the back of their heads. In any event, all four of them do better than expected, with Marjorie taking the prize for her natural demeanor. She and Analeigh split a shopping spree at a bland store that the show unsuccessfully tries to play up as trendy.
Back at the pad, the girls invite the guys who drove their boats around to the go-sees up for a party. Marjorie gets wasted and hops in the tub with one of them (fully-clothed), and Analeigh acts like Marjorie's one step away from doing a bump of coke off his ass and jumping out the window. The party becomes unfun in a hurry, and Samantha and McKey display some more awesomeness by kicking the guys out.
The photo shoot is boring, and just features the girls looking like replicants, standing in front of a windmill. McKey is reliably good, and Analeigh continues doing quite well while simultaneously putting me to sleep. Samantha starts off extremely rocky, but manages to pull it together for her last frames. Marjorie is terrible. In her determination to hold her nerves in check, she winds up looking stiff and awkward. Though Tyra would dearly love to eliminate Samantha, the judges simply can't overlook the fact that her photo is so superior to Marjorie's, and Marjorie gets the boot. Guess she should have stuck with her nerve meltdowns, after all.
Overall Grade: B-
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Come See About Me
America's Next Top Model - Season 11, Episode 9
It's time for the traditional go-see episode. Also traditional is the one or more girls that don't make it back on time, and get disqualified. You'd think after ten seasons of this show, the girls would make getting back to home base on time their number one priority. Well, think again. Samantha is fairly well-received by the designers, though they feel she's too commercial to work a runway. Everyone likes Analeigh, despite the fact that she's so boring, I literally forget she exists from week to week. Though I'm not proud of it, my memory files away reality show contestants with razor sharp precision, but Analeigh? She fades from my brain the second the show is over.
Marjorie has one of her trademark nerve meltdowns and fucks the whole challenge up, and by this point, LabRat and I are beyond sympathy for her, and into irritation. Elina's tattoos turn one of the designers off, which is understandable. The show makes a bigger deal of it than it actually is, because they need to make Elina look bad this week. McKey is wildly popular with everyone, but makes it back all of five minutes late. She also seems to have acquired a British accent out of nowhere. Um...OK. Though it's entirely fair that she be disqualified from the challenge, five minutes in real life would be negligible, so the judge can take the disappointed-dad tone he takes with her and shove it up his ass. This is certainly no "In some countries...THERE IS WAR!" Analeigh wins the challenge, mostly because of the others' faults than through her assets.
Marjorie is a ball of nerves. Nobody cares anymore.
For the photo shoot this week, Tyra takes two shots of each girl: One "clean" look, and one where they're all made up. Samantha blows Tyra and OJ away. She really does look good this week. Also impressive is McKey and what's-her-name. McKey's tardiness is barely mentioned at panel, because the praise from all of the designers she saw is so lavish. I have to say, I'm seeing the McKey-as-model angle a lot more these days. She's got an interesting, versatile look.
Marjorie is a ball of nerves. Nobody cares anymore.
Her timidity knocks her down to the bottom two, along with her pal Elina, who still can't break out of the controlled posing the judges have been squawking about since 1983. It seems like Marjorie is done for, but Tyra's had enough of Elina's failure to evolve, and she gets snipped. Yeah, she's going at about the right time. So, we're left with a fairly palatable final four of Samantha, McKey, Marjorie, and What's-Her-Name. Really, any of the first three would be an acceptable winner (though I'm pulling for McKey), so I like my odds of being satisfied.
Overall Grade: B+
It's time for the traditional go-see episode. Also traditional is the one or more girls that don't make it back on time, and get disqualified. You'd think after ten seasons of this show, the girls would make getting back to home base on time their number one priority. Well, think again. Samantha is fairly well-received by the designers, though they feel she's too commercial to work a runway. Everyone likes Analeigh, despite the fact that she's so boring, I literally forget she exists from week to week. Though I'm not proud of it, my memory files away reality show contestants with razor sharp precision, but Analeigh? She fades from my brain the second the show is over.
Marjorie has one of her trademark nerve meltdowns and fucks the whole challenge up, and by this point, LabRat and I are beyond sympathy for her, and into irritation. Elina's tattoos turn one of the designers off, which is understandable. The show makes a bigger deal of it than it actually is, because they need to make Elina look bad this week. McKey is wildly popular with everyone, but makes it back all of five minutes late. She also seems to have acquired a British accent out of nowhere. Um...OK. Though it's entirely fair that she be disqualified from the challenge, five minutes in real life would be negligible, so the judge can take the disappointed-dad tone he takes with her and shove it up his ass. This is certainly no "In some countries...THERE IS WAR!" Analeigh wins the challenge, mostly because of the others' faults than through her assets.
Marjorie is a ball of nerves. Nobody cares anymore.
For the photo shoot this week, Tyra takes two shots of each girl: One "clean" look, and one where they're all made up. Samantha blows Tyra and OJ away. She really does look good this week. Also impressive is McKey and what's-her-name. McKey's tardiness is barely mentioned at panel, because the praise from all of the designers she saw is so lavish. I have to say, I'm seeing the McKey-as-model angle a lot more these days. She's got an interesting, versatile look.
Marjorie is a ball of nerves. Nobody cares anymore.
Her timidity knocks her down to the bottom two, along with her pal Elina, who still can't break out of the controlled posing the judges have been squawking about since 1983. It seems like Marjorie is done for, but Tyra's had enough of Elina's failure to evolve, and she gets snipped. Yeah, she's going at about the right time. So, we're left with a fairly palatable final four of Samantha, McKey, Marjorie, and What's-Her-Name. Really, any of the first three would be an acceptable winner (though I'm pulling for McKey), so I like my odds of being satisfied.
Overall Grade: B+
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Pass the Dutchie
America's Next Top Model - Season 11, Episode 8
The final six head for Amsterdam, and spend the first several minutes directly ripping off The Amazing Race for a challenge. The girls are paired off for said segment, and sworn enemies Samantha and Elina find themselves the unlikely victors. The friendship forged by the win doesn't last long, as they get into a stupid fight about prostitution that isn't worth revisiting. The later challenge is also done in pairs, and involves posing in brothel windows. Samantha wins again, this time with McKey.
The photo shoot is a relatively simple one; it's just the girls giving their best editorial pose on a boat. Analeigh is undeservedly praised, as is Marjorie, who knows how to work the hunched back, but not much else. McKey and Samantha both get very good shots, and McKey claims the coveted first-called position. Meanwhile, Elina is still stiff as a board in her photos, but it's poor Sheena who gets eliminated for being unable to find the balance between hooch and beauty.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Tyra pretends to be an artistic photographer again. Let's all give her ego a few strokes, and maybe she'll quit with that nonsense.
Overall Grade: B
The final six head for Amsterdam, and spend the first several minutes directly ripping off The Amazing Race for a challenge. The girls are paired off for said segment, and sworn enemies Samantha and Elina find themselves the unlikely victors. The friendship forged by the win doesn't last long, as they get into a stupid fight about prostitution that isn't worth revisiting. The later challenge is also done in pairs, and involves posing in brothel windows. Samantha wins again, this time with McKey.
The photo shoot is a relatively simple one; it's just the girls giving their best editorial pose on a boat. Analeigh is undeservedly praised, as is Marjorie, who knows how to work the hunched back, but not much else. McKey and Samantha both get very good shots, and McKey claims the coveted first-called position. Meanwhile, Elina is still stiff as a board in her photos, but it's poor Sheena who gets eliminated for being unable to find the balance between hooch and beauty.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Tyra pretends to be an artistic photographer again. Let's all give her ego a few strokes, and maybe she'll quit with that nonsense.
Overall Grade: B
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Green With Envy
America's Next Top Model - Season 11, Episode 7
Previously on America's Next Top Model: A recap show not interesting enough to recap. Before that? The entire season. Now, seven girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
We begin tonight's episode with a sensitive exploration into cultural differences. That is to say, Marjorie and Elina pawn all their personality quirks off on being raised in European households, and the other girls are all, "Um...but you've lived in America for your entire formative lives". Except nobody's that articulate, and mostly it's a bunch of snotty bullshit flying back and forth. Joslyn, proving her awesomeness once again, interviews that she's not really interested in all that crap, as she's noticed that there's this modeling competition, and it may pay off to focus on that instead.
The episode is chock full of annoying guest stars of seasons past, and I'm not sure whether I find that extra obnoxious, or am relieved that we can dispense with the likes of the swirl twins, the look-at-me-look-at-me guy, and the magazine editor who apparently lives in the ANTM production offices in one fell swoop. Actually, the weekly challenge is rather cool. The girls put on green bodysuits that will make them invisible against a green-screen, so that an audience can focus entirely on how the clothing is presented. Nobody's that good or that bad, and Elina is randomly judged the winner. Her prize is a Christmas-themed photo shoot that's about as Christmasy as corn on the cob. Unless women have started wearing sleeveless mini-dresses in the dead of December, and I just missed it.
Another minor fight breaks out back at the house, because Elina's an atheist and doesn't "deserve" to win a holiday-themed prize. You know, I was relieved when Clark was eliminated, as it paved the way for a bitchless season, but I've got to say, if there isn't going to be a bitch, then there's really no point in airing the fights. Especially fights this stupid.
The week's photo challenge is really the seasonal CoverGirl commercial, which Whitney introduces. She looks good. The girls have a teleprompter this time, because even Tyra and Company are sick of people forgetting their lines. Joslyn, who has been feeling more and more ill, upchucks into a trashcan, but it's mostly liquid. Yes, I was eating dinner as I watched this episode. Thanks for nothing, producers. Elina, Analeigh, and Sheena all do a good job with the commercial. Joslyn and McKey are so-so, while Samantha and Marjorie are terrible. At panel, the girls walk in wooden shoes for no reason other than to foreshadow the upcoming trip to Amsterdam. The judges must have been smoking some of Amsterdam's most famous export, as they decide that Elina's perfectly fine performance was too tight and controlled, while Joslyn's not-great-but-not-terrible performance sucked rocks.
Analeigh is deservedly called first. She may be the most boring contestant to date, but she gave a very natural read of the commercial lines. She's followed by Sheena, Samantha, Marjorie, and McKey, leaving Elina and Joslyn in the bottom two. Tyra pulls the bitchiest move she has in a while, purposely raising Joslyn's hopes of surviving to next week, only to snatch it away and eliminate her instead. Boo! As she fades out, Back to the Future style, we're left with the whitest set of finalists ever. Sheena must be feeling pretty lonely right about now.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Amsterdam. The girls window-pose in the whore district.
Overall Grade: B
Previously on America's Next Top Model: A recap show not interesting enough to recap. Before that? The entire season. Now, seven girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
We begin tonight's episode with a sensitive exploration into cultural differences. That is to say, Marjorie and Elina pawn all their personality quirks off on being raised in European households, and the other girls are all, "Um...but you've lived in America for your entire formative lives". Except nobody's that articulate, and mostly it's a bunch of snotty bullshit flying back and forth. Joslyn, proving her awesomeness once again, interviews that she's not really interested in all that crap, as she's noticed that there's this modeling competition, and it may pay off to focus on that instead.
The episode is chock full of annoying guest stars of seasons past, and I'm not sure whether I find that extra obnoxious, or am relieved that we can dispense with the likes of the swirl twins, the look-at-me-look-at-me guy, and the magazine editor who apparently lives in the ANTM production offices in one fell swoop. Actually, the weekly challenge is rather cool. The girls put on green bodysuits that will make them invisible against a green-screen, so that an audience can focus entirely on how the clothing is presented. Nobody's that good or that bad, and Elina is randomly judged the winner. Her prize is a Christmas-themed photo shoot that's about as Christmasy as corn on the cob. Unless women have started wearing sleeveless mini-dresses in the dead of December, and I just missed it.
Another minor fight breaks out back at the house, because Elina's an atheist and doesn't "deserve" to win a holiday-themed prize. You know, I was relieved when Clark was eliminated, as it paved the way for a bitchless season, but I've got to say, if there isn't going to be a bitch, then there's really no point in airing the fights. Especially fights this stupid.
The week's photo challenge is really the seasonal CoverGirl commercial, which Whitney introduces. She looks good. The girls have a teleprompter this time, because even Tyra and Company are sick of people forgetting their lines. Joslyn, who has been feeling more and more ill, upchucks into a trashcan, but it's mostly liquid. Yes, I was eating dinner as I watched this episode. Thanks for nothing, producers. Elina, Analeigh, and Sheena all do a good job with the commercial. Joslyn and McKey are so-so, while Samantha and Marjorie are terrible. At panel, the girls walk in wooden shoes for no reason other than to foreshadow the upcoming trip to Amsterdam. The judges must have been smoking some of Amsterdam's most famous export, as they decide that Elina's perfectly fine performance was too tight and controlled, while Joslyn's not-great-but-not-terrible performance sucked rocks.
Analeigh is deservedly called first. She may be the most boring contestant to date, but she gave a very natural read of the commercial lines. She's followed by Sheena, Samantha, Marjorie, and McKey, leaving Elina and Joslyn in the bottom two. Tyra pulls the bitchiest move she has in a while, purposely raising Joslyn's hopes of surviving to next week, only to snatch it away and eliminate her instead. Boo! As she fades out, Back to the Future style, we're left with the whitest set of finalists ever. Sheena must be feeling pretty lonely right about now.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Amsterdam. The girls window-pose in the whore district.
Overall Grade: B
Thursday, October 09, 2008
Carpet Bombing
America's Next Top Model - Season 11, Episode 6
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Marjorie was a ball of nerves. Samantha made waves at the photo shoot. Clark, who I thought was going to coast to the end despite an obvious lack of beauty or personality, got the business end of a very welcome elimination. LabRat (entering the apartment just as Tyra recaps Clark's booting): "Yay!" Eight girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Now that Brittany and her condescending lectures are gone, Elina and Samantha feel free to sit at the kitchen table and bitch about their controlling mothers. In the other room, Analeigh is starting to realize that she's the most boring contestant to date. Except for Mollie Sue, maybe. Tyra meets the girls at a challenge where they're told to pick a signature pose on the spot. Marjorie works her awkwardness into a Hunchback of Notre Dame series of poses, which Tyra loves. Or is it that she loves that Marjorie kisses her ass midway through? It's a mystery for the ages. Analeigh's "rebel ice skater" poses don't garner much praise, and joining her in the ranks of the boring is Lauren Brie, who is cursed with the pretty-but-bland mark that has taken down so many contestants. Marjorie wins the challenge, and takes Analeigh along to pick out some diamonds.
The photo shoot is done at a majestic theater, and has the girls portray various red carpet disasters. Marjorie blows the judges away with her shot of trying to pee around a designer gown. No, really. Samantha (can't read cue cards due to bright light) has a terrible photo, as does Lauren Brie, who can't figure out how to follow the photographer's instruction that she trip over herself and fall naturally, but gracefully. Go figure. Sheena loses her pupils as she glares at a model stepping on her gown, and Elina can't cry convincingly, even though she's actually crying. There are plenty of good shots, too. Analeigh entrances the judges with her shot of a snotty reporter, even though looking snotty is the easiest pose in the world. Joslyn (another woman shows up in the same gown) has a lovely semi-profile shot, and McKey looks beautifully awkward as a nominee who unexpectedly loses. Still, neither of them can overcome the judges' rapture over Marjorie's pee shot, and she gets the coveted called-first prize. Sheena and Lauren Brie drop to the bottom two, and Lauren Brie's inability to rise above being pretty gets her axed.
Yes, Analeigh is still in the competition, and Lauren Brie is not. It's a good thing I stopped taking this show seriously several cycles ago.
Overall Grade: B-
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Marjorie was a ball of nerves. Samantha made waves at the photo shoot. Clark, who I thought was going to coast to the end despite an obvious lack of beauty or personality, got the business end of a very welcome elimination. LabRat (entering the apartment just as Tyra recaps Clark's booting): "Yay!" Eight girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Now that Brittany and her condescending lectures are gone, Elina and Samantha feel free to sit at the kitchen table and bitch about their controlling mothers. In the other room, Analeigh is starting to realize that she's the most boring contestant to date. Except for Mollie Sue, maybe. Tyra meets the girls at a challenge where they're told to pick a signature pose on the spot. Marjorie works her awkwardness into a Hunchback of Notre Dame series of poses, which Tyra loves. Or is it that she loves that Marjorie kisses her ass midway through? It's a mystery for the ages. Analeigh's "rebel ice skater" poses don't garner much praise, and joining her in the ranks of the boring is Lauren Brie, who is cursed with the pretty-but-bland mark that has taken down so many contestants. Marjorie wins the challenge, and takes Analeigh along to pick out some diamonds.
The photo shoot is done at a majestic theater, and has the girls portray various red carpet disasters. Marjorie blows the judges away with her shot of trying to pee around a designer gown. No, really. Samantha (can't read cue cards due to bright light) has a terrible photo, as does Lauren Brie, who can't figure out how to follow the photographer's instruction that she trip over herself and fall naturally, but gracefully. Go figure. Sheena loses her pupils as she glares at a model stepping on her gown, and Elina can't cry convincingly, even though she's actually crying. There are plenty of good shots, too. Analeigh entrances the judges with her shot of a snotty reporter, even though looking snotty is the easiest pose in the world. Joslyn (another woman shows up in the same gown) has a lovely semi-profile shot, and McKey looks beautifully awkward as a nominee who unexpectedly loses. Still, neither of them can overcome the judges' rapture over Marjorie's pee shot, and she gets the coveted called-first prize. Sheena and Lauren Brie drop to the bottom two, and Lauren Brie's inability to rise above being pretty gets her axed.
Yes, Analeigh is still in the competition, and Lauren Brie is not. It's a good thing I stopped taking this show seriously several cycles ago.
Overall Grade: B-
Thursday, October 02, 2008
Beautiful Disaster
America's Next Top Model - Season 11, Episode 5
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Samantha insulted the designer of the runway show with her crotch-grabbing moves, but didn't suck enough to save Hannah and her moose walk. Joining her in elimination was Isis, who may be able to rock a hormone shot, but not a camera. Nine girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
As predicted, Clark is entirely too self-satisfied with herself from last week, while Samantha panics about being in the bottom two. Tonight's theme is Marjorie's pessimism. Settle in, you'll be hearing a lot about it.
For the general challenge, Paulina has the girls dress in ill-fitting clothes and tells them to make the outfit appear more form-fitting through the use of clips, tape, and the ancient art of sticking soda cans down your pants. Samantha alters her outfit too much, and gets chewed out, while Marjorie almost breaks down into tears because she wasn't top-notch. Paulina is surprisingly understanding, explaining that looking for the negative in everything is a very European attitude that she and Marjorie have in common. Samantha isn't buying, saying in interview that now that Marjorie is in America, she'd better get a bunch of inflated self-esteem like the rest of us. McKey wins the challenge, scoring fifty extra frames for the photo shoot. Back at the pad, Samantha tells Marjorie she needs to get the hell over her insecurity already, which was equal parts bitchy and true.
At the photo shoot, OJ pops out in swamp monster gear for no conceivable reason, but every minute he doesn't appear as himself is a good one. The girls will be shot as giantesses causing natural disasters around a tiny set of LA. It sounds stupid, and kind of is, but the mod, Cate Archer hair and outfits really suit a lot of the girls. Elina gives a good angry face as an earthquake, Marjorie is angular as she causes a traffic jam (I guess they ran out of inspiration midway through the brainstorming session), and Samantha makes a very pretty, pouty tidal wave. Sheena the sandstorm, Lauren Brie the snowstorm, and McKey the heatwave are all fine, and Analeigh continues to be a colossal bore. Clark is over-confident, and her blackout shot sucks. Unfortunately, so does Joslyn the rockslide. Samantha is called first, and is happy to have climbed the ranks. Joslyn and Clark fall to the final two, and in a stunning move, Joslyn's more palatable personality saves her, so the mere fact that Clark is a tedious chore of a girl gets her axed. Awesome. I wonder what will happen to a season with no outstanding candidate for Bitch. Maybe one of the other girls will morph into the role. Back to the Future fadeout.
Overall Grade: B+
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Samantha insulted the designer of the runway show with her crotch-grabbing moves, but didn't suck enough to save Hannah and her moose walk. Joining her in elimination was Isis, who may be able to rock a hormone shot, but not a camera. Nine girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
As predicted, Clark is entirely too self-satisfied with herself from last week, while Samantha panics about being in the bottom two. Tonight's theme is Marjorie's pessimism. Settle in, you'll be hearing a lot about it.
For the general challenge, Paulina has the girls dress in ill-fitting clothes and tells them to make the outfit appear more form-fitting through the use of clips, tape, and the ancient art of sticking soda cans down your pants. Samantha alters her outfit too much, and gets chewed out, while Marjorie almost breaks down into tears because she wasn't top-notch. Paulina is surprisingly understanding, explaining that looking for the negative in everything is a very European attitude that she and Marjorie have in common. Samantha isn't buying, saying in interview that now that Marjorie is in America, she'd better get a bunch of inflated self-esteem like the rest of us. McKey wins the challenge, scoring fifty extra frames for the photo shoot. Back at the pad, Samantha tells Marjorie she needs to get the hell over her insecurity already, which was equal parts bitchy and true.
At the photo shoot, OJ pops out in swamp monster gear for no conceivable reason, but every minute he doesn't appear as himself is a good one. The girls will be shot as giantesses causing natural disasters around a tiny set of LA. It sounds stupid, and kind of is, but the mod, Cate Archer hair and outfits really suit a lot of the girls. Elina gives a good angry face as an earthquake, Marjorie is angular as she causes a traffic jam (I guess they ran out of inspiration midway through the brainstorming session), and Samantha makes a very pretty, pouty tidal wave. Sheena the sandstorm, Lauren Brie the snowstorm, and McKey the heatwave are all fine, and Analeigh continues to be a colossal bore. Clark is over-confident, and her blackout shot sucks. Unfortunately, so does Joslyn the rockslide. Samantha is called first, and is happy to have climbed the ranks. Joslyn and Clark fall to the final two, and in a stunning move, Joslyn's more palatable personality saves her, so the mere fact that Clark is a tedious chore of a girl gets her axed. Awesome. I wonder what will happen to a season with no outstanding candidate for Bitch. Maybe one of the other girls will morph into the role. Back to the Future fadeout.
Overall Grade: B+
Thursday, September 25, 2008
The Crying Game
America's Next Top Model - Season 11, Episode 4
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Makeovers! Brittany looked exactly the same, acted exactly the same, and got eliminated just the same. Eleven girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
We begin the evening with Analeigh down on herself for being in the bottom two with Brittany. If she moped about it for a week, it'd be annoying, but panel seems to have happened recently, so it's understandable. Well, not to Hannah. Hannah complains that Analeigh needs to "pick up [her] beans" and get over it. Yeah, Analeigh. What's with your inability to pick up beans?
The girls are taken to a bowling alley, but it's not for fun and games. They're instructed to do a runway walk down the alley, and we all know how slick those things are. Isis stumbles a bit, and Marjorie and Hannah are terrible. Back at the pad, Hannah heads straight to the runway for some practice. The other girls try to advise her, which is sweet, but a bit too little, too late. After Clark and Lauren Brie indulge in some nasty gossip about how Isis doesn't belong in the competition, the girls are taken to a runway challenge at a vintage bank. Give it a couple weeks, and all banks will be vintage. OJ tells the girls that one of them is getting eliminated directly after the challenge, which riddles them with anxiety.
Though the girls are told they'll be dressed as cat burglars for the runway show, nothing of the kind happens. They wear long dresses, which I think would be an active detriment to sneaking past a security system. An added twist is that they'll be wearing blindfolds, which are more obscurefolds, but still. Hannah forgets everything she learned, and her walk sucks noodles, as does Marjorie's. Added to the mix is Samantha, who walks so terribly that she deeply offends the designer. Joslyn wins the challenge, and takes Sheena and Isis along to her reward photo shoot. Hannah's bad walk dooms her, and she's eliminated on the spot.
The next morning, OJ breaks in and wakes up the girls while wearing tight clothes. I'd throw myself out the window. It turns out that it's time for the photo shoot, which will take place right there at the model pad. The girls will get into the pool, and partially submerge themselves, so that they'll just be shot (by Nigel) from the top of the nose up. Several girls excel, if not in their facial expression, then by their various bodily contortions.
At panel, Clark is called first, which is not good news. Giving validation to assholes generally leads to tiresome situations. She's followed by Analeigh, who no doubt feels redeemed, but is still boring as hell. Though Joslyn's swimming difficulties and Elina's inability to come up with more than one pose irritate the judges, they pull through. The final two come down to Isis, whose pictures are getting worse, and Samantha, because the guest judge designer still hates her guts from the runway challenge. Isis gets the axe, and I'm heartened to see that it was because of legitimately bad pictures, and not for any bullshit reason even tangentially related to her being transgender. She's tearful as she leaves, but is proud of what she's accomplished and grateful for the opportunity. Good on her. The Back to the Future fadeout gets an extra workout as Isis and Hannah disappear together.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Marjorie gets on everyone's nerves. A hideous swamp monster eats all the girls. Guess it'll be a short season.
Overall Grade: B
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Makeovers! Brittany looked exactly the same, acted exactly the same, and got eliminated just the same. Eleven girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
We begin the evening with Analeigh down on herself for being in the bottom two with Brittany. If she moped about it for a week, it'd be annoying, but panel seems to have happened recently, so it's understandable. Well, not to Hannah. Hannah complains that Analeigh needs to "pick up [her] beans" and get over it. Yeah, Analeigh. What's with your inability to pick up beans?
The girls are taken to a bowling alley, but it's not for fun and games. They're instructed to do a runway walk down the alley, and we all know how slick those things are. Isis stumbles a bit, and Marjorie and Hannah are terrible. Back at the pad, Hannah heads straight to the runway for some practice. The other girls try to advise her, which is sweet, but a bit too little, too late. After Clark and Lauren Brie indulge in some nasty gossip about how Isis doesn't belong in the competition, the girls are taken to a runway challenge at a vintage bank. Give it a couple weeks, and all banks will be vintage. OJ tells the girls that one of them is getting eliminated directly after the challenge, which riddles them with anxiety.
Though the girls are told they'll be dressed as cat burglars for the runway show, nothing of the kind happens. They wear long dresses, which I think would be an active detriment to sneaking past a security system. An added twist is that they'll be wearing blindfolds, which are more obscurefolds, but still. Hannah forgets everything she learned, and her walk sucks noodles, as does Marjorie's. Added to the mix is Samantha, who walks so terribly that she deeply offends the designer. Joslyn wins the challenge, and takes Sheena and Isis along to her reward photo shoot. Hannah's bad walk dooms her, and she's eliminated on the spot.
The next morning, OJ breaks in and wakes up the girls while wearing tight clothes. I'd throw myself out the window. It turns out that it's time for the photo shoot, which will take place right there at the model pad. The girls will get into the pool, and partially submerge themselves, so that they'll just be shot (by Nigel) from the top of the nose up. Several girls excel, if not in their facial expression, then by their various bodily contortions.
At panel, Clark is called first, which is not good news. Giving validation to assholes generally leads to tiresome situations. She's followed by Analeigh, who no doubt feels redeemed, but is still boring as hell. Though Joslyn's swimming difficulties and Elina's inability to come up with more than one pose irritate the judges, they pull through. The final two come down to Isis, whose pictures are getting worse, and Samantha, because the guest judge designer still hates her guts from the runway challenge. Isis gets the axe, and I'm heartened to see that it was because of legitimately bad pictures, and not for any bullshit reason even tangentially related to her being transgender. She's tearful as she leaves, but is proud of what she's accomplished and grateful for the opportunity. Good on her. The Back to the Future fadeout gets an extra workout as Isis and Hannah disappear together.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Marjorie gets on everyone's nerves. A hideous swamp monster eats all the girls. Guess it'll be a short season.
Overall Grade: B
Friday, September 19, 2008
Make Me Up Before You Go Go
America's Next Top Model - Season 11, Episode 3
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Hannah was exposed as a sort-of racist. Nikeysha babbled her way into elimination. Twelve girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Tyra meets the girls at the pad for a princess-themed, tiara-wearing rap session that looks like grand fun. For six-year-olds. Thus, the girls love it. Tyra informs them that the time has come for makeovers, and the usual shrieks ensue. For the first time in history, it appears that the girls actually realize what the makeover episode is all about, and nobody breaks down into hysterical shock when their hair is cut.
Marjorie's hair is dyed brown, and looks better than I thought it would. Joslyn gets a long weave that works well on her. Hannah gets a heavily-banged bob that looks awful in the salon, but looks better in subsequent parts of the episode. Samantha gets a super-cute pixie cut. Clark's hair is dyed dark brown, which doesn't work on her at all. Honestly, she's just not that pretty. Lauren Brie goes ice blond and looks exactly the same. Sheena gets some highlights. Analeigh getzzz... Isis gets extensions that look pretty good. McKey's hair is dyed black and chopped into a asymmetrical cut. It would look terrible on anyone else, but she manages to carry it off. Brittany gets a wavy weave and looks the same. Elina is the girl chosen to get the traditional "extreme" look, which is reminiscent of the Weave That Destroyed Tokyo. It's a fairly unattractive red weave. She might be able to work it, but it'll take some talent.
The girls are carted off to WalMart for a makeup challenge, once again destroying any right this show ever had to whine about how certain girls aren't "high-fashion" enough to represent them. After some bullshit product placement, Hannah wins the challenge and will be on some online ad that nobody will ever see. Back at the pad, conversation turns to mothers. All is hearts and flowers between Brittany and her mom, but Elina kind of hates hers. That gives Brittany an opportunity to indulge in her favorite hobby: passing judgment on others. She has a valid point that publicly trashing the woman who financially supports you is kind of assy, but her smug self-satisfaction is obnoxious. Plus, mind your own business. Brittany doesn't know what goes on in that household.
Anyhoo, the photo shoot this week is a general swimsuit shot. A lot of girls excel. Samantha, Joslyn, Elina, McKey, Sheena, Marjorie, and Lauren Brie all look good. Isis and Hannah are passable, Clark and Brittany are bland, and Analeigh izzz... At panel, Elina is called first, and while I don't think her photo was the best, she certainly deserves some credit for getting a good shot with that weird hair plopped on her head. Down at the bottom, Brittany and Analeigh are both pretty, but about as interesting as waiting in line at the DMV. I'd be happy with either of them getting cut, so am pleased as punch when Brittany gets chopped. Was it really only two episodes ago I thought she'd go all the way? Huh. Well, I certainly don't mind being wrong in this case. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Bowling. A possible early elimination takes a girl out mid-challenge.
Overall Grade: B+
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Hannah was exposed as a sort-of racist. Nikeysha babbled her way into elimination. Twelve girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Tyra meets the girls at the pad for a princess-themed, tiara-wearing rap session that looks like grand fun. For six-year-olds. Thus, the girls love it. Tyra informs them that the time has come for makeovers, and the usual shrieks ensue. For the first time in history, it appears that the girls actually realize what the makeover episode is all about, and nobody breaks down into hysterical shock when their hair is cut.
Marjorie's hair is dyed brown, and looks better than I thought it would. Joslyn gets a long weave that works well on her. Hannah gets a heavily-banged bob that looks awful in the salon, but looks better in subsequent parts of the episode. Samantha gets a super-cute pixie cut. Clark's hair is dyed dark brown, which doesn't work on her at all. Honestly, she's just not that pretty. Lauren Brie goes ice blond and looks exactly the same. Sheena gets some highlights. Analeigh getzzz... Isis gets extensions that look pretty good. McKey's hair is dyed black and chopped into a asymmetrical cut. It would look terrible on anyone else, but she manages to carry it off. Brittany gets a wavy weave and looks the same. Elina is the girl chosen to get the traditional "extreme" look, which is reminiscent of the Weave That Destroyed Tokyo. It's a fairly unattractive red weave. She might be able to work it, but it'll take some talent.
The girls are carted off to WalMart for a makeup challenge, once again destroying any right this show ever had to whine about how certain girls aren't "high-fashion" enough to represent them. After some bullshit product placement, Hannah wins the challenge and will be on some online ad that nobody will ever see. Back at the pad, conversation turns to mothers. All is hearts and flowers between Brittany and her mom, but Elina kind of hates hers. That gives Brittany an opportunity to indulge in her favorite hobby: passing judgment on others. She has a valid point that publicly trashing the woman who financially supports you is kind of assy, but her smug self-satisfaction is obnoxious. Plus, mind your own business. Brittany doesn't know what goes on in that household.
Anyhoo, the photo shoot this week is a general swimsuit shot. A lot of girls excel. Samantha, Joslyn, Elina, McKey, Sheena, Marjorie, and Lauren Brie all look good. Isis and Hannah are passable, Clark and Brittany are bland, and Analeigh izzz... At panel, Elina is called first, and while I don't think her photo was the best, she certainly deserves some credit for getting a good shot with that weird hair plopped on her head. Down at the bottom, Brittany and Analeigh are both pretty, but about as interesting as waiting in line at the DMV. I'd be happy with either of them getting cut, so am pleased as punch when Brittany gets chopped. Was it really only two episodes ago I thought she'd go all the way? Huh. Well, I certainly don't mind being wrong in this case. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Bowling. A possible early elimination takes a girl out mid-challenge.
Overall Grade: B+
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Hot Airhead Balloon
America's Next Top Model - Season 11, Episode 2
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Models! Oh, my little pretty one, my pretty one...my Sharaun-a was a despicable person and a poor model to boot, and was happily booted to be despicable elsewhere. Thirteen models remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
As promised last week, Marjorie's winning photo is displayed in the model pad, and the other girls have the grace to at least fake being happy for her. The first Tyra Mail of the evening sends the girls to meet Benny Ninja, who's starting to pop up on this show so often, he'll probably become a permanent fixture at some point. If he replaces OJ, I'm all for it. Benny tries to teach some extreme posing, because if you're going to be a model, it's important that you be able to stretch around in the fabric version of sausage casing. The girls do their best to writhe in a high fashion way. Sheena's extreme flexibility works to her advantage, while Nikeysha flops around like she's been caught in a tuna net.
Back at the pad, everyone jumps in the pool and relaxes in the hot tub. Clark -- you know, the girl who extolled small town values in her disdain for including Isis in the competition -- indulges in faux-lesbian kisses with Elina, who enjoys macking on the straight-and-narrow contestants. Hannah sits against the wall, and when Isis almost backs into her (which would have crushed her skinny ass like a peanut shell), Hannah puts her hands up and gives Isis a little shove. Nothing, right? Ah, but you forget. This is America's Next Top Model, where EVERYTHING is a big deal. Hannah-protecting-her-personal-space morphs into Hannah-is-a-bigoted-racist in about four microseconds. Brittany, Sheena, and Joslyn jump down her throat, and if Hannah had just explained that she didn't want to get her head smashed against a wall... Well, it probably wouldn't have made a difference, but still. The absolute worst way to respond is to shrug that you're just a stereotypical white girl, and compare people mildly gossiping about you to gang rape. That's exactly what Hannah does, pissing away any sympathy anyone may have had for her. Isis, despite being the impetus for this huge fight, is nowhere to be seen during the actual fight. She probably knows how ridiculous everyone's being.
The girls head to a challenge where they must strike an extreme pose while featuring a handbag for a jewelry designer. Sheena sticks the bag in her crotch, Nikeysha sucks yet again (and informs everyone present that she has to take a whiz), and Elina wins the day. The photo shoot is originally intended to strike fear into the girls' hearts by having them pose on a ladder hanging from a hot air balloon. When the wind picks up, even OJ realizes that dead models may not be the way to improve ratings, and the challenge is quickly changed so the ladder is securely fastened to a crane. Standouts include Lauren Brie, Elina, Joslyn, and Marjorie. Sheena doesn't use her arms or legs to hold onto the ladder, harnessing the power of her hoochie buttcheeks to keep herself aloft. Nikeysha, to nobody's surprise, sucks yet again. Isis' concentration on her pose leads to a weak face. At panel, Paulina asks Sheena if her jugs are a gift from God or a surgical consult. Sheena swears that it's all her, but once the criticisms are handed out to everyone, she comes forward again and admits to her bionic boobs. This admission apparently makes her more heroic than the rescue workers at Ground Zero.
Speaking of criticisms, Lauren Brie is called first, and told she has one of the best shots in Top Model history, which, not. Elina, Joslyn, and Marjorie also get praised. Isis and Nikeysha fall to the bottom two, and even putting aside that there's no way they'd boot the transexual contestant this early, Nikeysha sucks so hard and talks so much, this may be the easiest elimination ever to call. Indeed, Nikeysha takes the walk, talking over Isis' safety speech, her own elimination, and straight through the Back to the Future fadeout. Yeesh.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Makeovers! Whatever they do to Elina is a Top Model first!
LabRat: "They're making her black."
Overall Grade: B-
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Models! Oh, my little pretty one, my pretty one...my Sharaun-a was a despicable person and a poor model to boot, and was happily booted to be despicable elsewhere. Thirteen models remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
As promised last week, Marjorie's winning photo is displayed in the model pad, and the other girls have the grace to at least fake being happy for her. The first Tyra Mail of the evening sends the girls to meet Benny Ninja, who's starting to pop up on this show so often, he'll probably become a permanent fixture at some point. If he replaces OJ, I'm all for it. Benny tries to teach some extreme posing, because if you're going to be a model, it's important that you be able to stretch around in the fabric version of sausage casing. The girls do their best to writhe in a high fashion way. Sheena's extreme flexibility works to her advantage, while Nikeysha flops around like she's been caught in a tuna net.
Back at the pad, everyone jumps in the pool and relaxes in the hot tub. Clark -- you know, the girl who extolled small town values in her disdain for including Isis in the competition -- indulges in faux-lesbian kisses with Elina, who enjoys macking on the straight-and-narrow contestants. Hannah sits against the wall, and when Isis almost backs into her (which would have crushed her skinny ass like a peanut shell), Hannah puts her hands up and gives Isis a little shove. Nothing, right? Ah, but you forget. This is America's Next Top Model, where EVERYTHING is a big deal. Hannah-protecting-her-personal-space morphs into Hannah-is-a-bigoted-racist in about four microseconds. Brittany, Sheena, and Joslyn jump down her throat, and if Hannah had just explained that she didn't want to get her head smashed against a wall... Well, it probably wouldn't have made a difference, but still. The absolute worst way to respond is to shrug that you're just a stereotypical white girl, and compare people mildly gossiping about you to gang rape. That's exactly what Hannah does, pissing away any sympathy anyone may have had for her. Isis, despite being the impetus for this huge fight, is nowhere to be seen during the actual fight. She probably knows how ridiculous everyone's being.
The girls head to a challenge where they must strike an extreme pose while featuring a handbag for a jewelry designer. Sheena sticks the bag in her crotch, Nikeysha sucks yet again (and informs everyone present that she has to take a whiz), and Elina wins the day. The photo shoot is originally intended to strike fear into the girls' hearts by having them pose on a ladder hanging from a hot air balloon. When the wind picks up, even OJ realizes that dead models may not be the way to improve ratings, and the challenge is quickly changed so the ladder is securely fastened to a crane. Standouts include Lauren Brie, Elina, Joslyn, and Marjorie. Sheena doesn't use her arms or legs to hold onto the ladder, harnessing the power of her hoochie buttcheeks to keep herself aloft. Nikeysha, to nobody's surprise, sucks yet again. Isis' concentration on her pose leads to a weak face. At panel, Paulina asks Sheena if her jugs are a gift from God or a surgical consult. Sheena swears that it's all her, but once the criticisms are handed out to everyone, she comes forward again and admits to her bionic boobs. This admission apparently makes her more heroic than the rescue workers at Ground Zero.
Speaking of criticisms, Lauren Brie is called first, and told she has one of the best shots in Top Model history, which, not. Elina, Joslyn, and Marjorie also get praised. Isis and Nikeysha fall to the bottom two, and even putting aside that there's no way they'd boot the transexual contestant this early, Nikeysha sucks so hard and talks so much, this may be the easiest elimination ever to call. Indeed, Nikeysha takes the walk, talking over Isis' safety speech, her own elimination, and straight through the Back to the Future fadeout. Yeesh.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Makeovers! Whatever they do to Elina is a Top Model first!
LabRat: "They're making her black."
Overall Grade: B-
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Ballot Boxes
America's Next Top Model - Season 11, Episode 1
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Thirty-three girls wanted to take home the title. Nineteen of them achieved their goal, if the title they wanted was Loser. The remaining fourteen move on to the second half of the premiere. Who won't last long enough to have all of her hair chopped off?
The girls move into the model pad in Los Angeles, which is just as swanky as ever. Where do they find these places? The inside is decorated with well-known moments of models past, which leads to a plug for Tyra's talk show. It will not be the last. Since we can't have three girls named Brittany wandering around, Brittney B. agrees to go by Sharaun and Brittany S. agrees to go by McKey. We're never told what inspired these names, so I'm going to go with the assumption that they threw darts at a wall of letters and wrote down whatever got hit.
The girls are taken to the Magic Castle (Hey, I've been there! It was uber-fancy and a lot of fun) to meet with the judges. The judges hide in various rooms, and the girls run all over to find them so they can ask and answer questions. Sharaun impresses nobody but herself. Marjorie is a ball of nerves and giggles uncontrollably. McKey is asked what she would do if a photographer propositioned her. She says she'd kick him in the balls and leave, which takes Nigel aback. Hey, she could have given a much worse answer. Nigel's also taken aback by Isis' intelligence and knowledge of how to capture light, though he says there's something a little off about her. Because he totally hasn't been informed beforehand that she's a transexual. I fully believe you, show. In unrelated news, I traded away my cow for some magic beans this afternoon.
The photo shoot, as in seasons past, takes a political tone. Sort of. Tyra's heart is in the right place, as she makes sure to stress the importance of youth voting. Admirable. Still, the photo shoot calls for the girls to make political issues sexy, so it's just a series of shots of girls giving the cameras their best smolders and hooch poses in front of voting booths and flags. Clark, who has reminded us a gazillion times that she's competitive, takes offense when the others won't explain to her what bureaucracy means. I don't know whether to highlight "bureaucracy" or "competitive" in the dictionary I'm going to chuck at her head. Ah, hell. I'll highlight both. I'm nice like that. She never finds out, and her shot in front of a wall of red tape sucks rocks.
Other poor shots include Lauren Brie (education), Sharaun (homeland security), Samantha (economy), and Hannah (nuclear weapons). The others are passable, and notable standouts include Elina (foreign policy), Joslyn (unemployment), and Isis (privacy). At panel, the judges like Marjorie's immigration shot much more than LabRat and I, and she gets called first. Tyra informs us that the girl chosen first each week will have her shot presented as digital art in the model pad. That'll be good for generating envy-motivated drama. Isis and McKey (environment) are also given high marks. Down at the bottom are Nikeysha (cloning), who interrupts the judges during her critique, which is never a way to get into their good graces. Joining her is Sharaun, whose photo is bland and who said hideous things to Isis in the middle of her shoot. She gets booted, which makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. Is there a better experience than watching instant karma take an asshole down?
Overall Grade: B-
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Thirty-three girls wanted to take home the title. Nineteen of them achieved their goal, if the title they wanted was Loser. The remaining fourteen move on to the second half of the premiere. Who won't last long enough to have all of her hair chopped off?
The girls move into the model pad in Los Angeles, which is just as swanky as ever. Where do they find these places? The inside is decorated with well-known moments of models past, which leads to a plug for Tyra's talk show. It will not be the last. Since we can't have three girls named Brittany wandering around, Brittney B. agrees to go by Sharaun and Brittany S. agrees to go by McKey. We're never told what inspired these names, so I'm going to go with the assumption that they threw darts at a wall of letters and wrote down whatever got hit.
The girls are taken to the Magic Castle (Hey, I've been there! It was uber-fancy and a lot of fun) to meet with the judges. The judges hide in various rooms, and the girls run all over to find them so they can ask and answer questions. Sharaun impresses nobody but herself. Marjorie is a ball of nerves and giggles uncontrollably. McKey is asked what she would do if a photographer propositioned her. She says she'd kick him in the balls and leave, which takes Nigel aback. Hey, she could have given a much worse answer. Nigel's also taken aback by Isis' intelligence and knowledge of how to capture light, though he says there's something a little off about her. Because he totally hasn't been informed beforehand that she's a transexual. I fully believe you, show. In unrelated news, I traded away my cow for some magic beans this afternoon.
The photo shoot, as in seasons past, takes a political tone. Sort of. Tyra's heart is in the right place, as she makes sure to stress the importance of youth voting. Admirable. Still, the photo shoot calls for the girls to make political issues sexy, so it's just a series of shots of girls giving the cameras their best smolders and hooch poses in front of voting booths and flags. Clark, who has reminded us a gazillion times that she's competitive, takes offense when the others won't explain to her what bureaucracy means. I don't know whether to highlight "bureaucracy" or "competitive" in the dictionary I'm going to chuck at her head. Ah, hell. I'll highlight both. I'm nice like that. She never finds out, and her shot in front of a wall of red tape sucks rocks.
Other poor shots include Lauren Brie (education), Sharaun (homeland security), Samantha (economy), and Hannah (nuclear weapons). The others are passable, and notable standouts include Elina (foreign policy), Joslyn (unemployment), and Isis (privacy). At panel, the judges like Marjorie's immigration shot much more than LabRat and I, and she gets called first. Tyra informs us that the girl chosen first each week will have her shot presented as digital art in the model pad. That'll be good for generating envy-motivated drama. Isis and McKey (environment) are also given high marks. Down at the bottom are Nikeysha (cloning), who interrupts the judges during her critique, which is never a way to get into their good graces. Joining her is Sharaun, whose photo is bland and who said hideous things to Isis in the middle of her shoot. She gets booted, which makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. Is there a better experience than watching instant karma take an asshole down?
Overall Grade: B-
Roboskanks
America's Next Top Model - Season 11 Casting Special
We're back for Cycle 11, which is good news if only for getting some truly stupid girls off the streets and out of the general public's hair. I'm generally not a fan of the opening hour of the premiere, as it tends to always be the same winnowing process, but with different annoying girls. But something strange happened with this one. It hardly rubbed me the wrong way at all! In fact, dare I say, I liked it. I think it may have something to do with the fact that instead of three nice girls and thirty deluded bitches, the proportion has flipped. Now, most of the girls seem to really want to be models, instead of scrounging for camera time by acting as twatty as they can.
Not that there aren't exceptions. Tyra loves her archetypes. There's the vegan. The deprogrammed Mormon. The girl kidnapped to be a Saudi bride. The bitch. The waif. The token plus-size girl. The biracial girl. The semi-bisexual. The ghetto girl. The judgmental snot. The tranny. Oh, you heard me. One of the "girls" is a pre-op transexual, which has the potential to be obnoxious. But again, in a strange twist, it's really quite touching. Isis could have come with a me-against-the-world attitude, but she manages to make no apologies for who she is, while still being as friendly as possible to girls who wrinkle their noses in disgust.
The opening hour also always has a laughable theme, and in this case, it's futuristic technology. Makes sense. Tyra is 60% android, and the two Jays may as well be molded out of plastic. Speaking of, OJ is looking grosser by the season. Is that his "futuristic" costume or his "aging lesbian" costume? Panel interviews showcase the girls' various psychoses. The thirty-three semi-finalists are whittled down to twenty. Aw, deprogrammed Mormon will not be moving on to the metallic catsuit portion of the hour. What a shame. The girls choose their own pose before Tyra and the Jays do the final cut. I'm happy to see that the judgmental snot will not be moving into the house, because five minutes of her was about all I could take. Also cut is the plus-sizer (who needs them since Whitney won?), and a girl who majored in English Literature at Harvard, but doesn't know who Jane Eyre is. My poor blog's namesake weeps in despair. After the dust settles, fourteen girls make it in:
-Ghetto Asian (Sheena)
-Boring Girl (Analeigh)
-Saleisha Wannabe (Nikeysha)
-French Waif (Marjorie)
-Naive Teen (Samantha)
-Exotic Bisexual (Elina -- LabRat's early favorite)
-Biracial Hottie (Brittany R. -- Limecrete's early favorite)
-Annoying Egomaniac (Brittney B.)
-Side-Talking Cage-Fighter (Brittany S. -- No, I'm not kidding -- three girls named Brittany)
-Small-Town Rube (Hannah)
-Pre-Op Transexual (Isis)
-Bitch (Clark)
-Twelve-Head (Lauren Brie)
-Squeaky Old Lady (Joslyn -- Who's got one foot in the grave at the ripe old age of 23)
That's a lot of ovaries. Let's move on to the second hour of the premiere, where we can cut a couple loose (or not, if Isis takes the fall).
Overall Grade: B
We're back for Cycle 11, which is good news if only for getting some truly stupid girls off the streets and out of the general public's hair. I'm generally not a fan of the opening hour of the premiere, as it tends to always be the same winnowing process, but with different annoying girls. But something strange happened with this one. It hardly rubbed me the wrong way at all! In fact, dare I say, I liked it. I think it may have something to do with the fact that instead of three nice girls and thirty deluded bitches, the proportion has flipped. Now, most of the girls seem to really want to be models, instead of scrounging for camera time by acting as twatty as they can.
Not that there aren't exceptions. Tyra loves her archetypes. There's the vegan. The deprogrammed Mormon. The girl kidnapped to be a Saudi bride. The bitch. The waif. The token plus-size girl. The biracial girl. The semi-bisexual. The ghetto girl. The judgmental snot. The tranny. Oh, you heard me. One of the "girls" is a pre-op transexual, which has the potential to be obnoxious. But again, in a strange twist, it's really quite touching. Isis could have come with a me-against-the-world attitude, but she manages to make no apologies for who she is, while still being as friendly as possible to girls who wrinkle their noses in disgust.
The opening hour also always has a laughable theme, and in this case, it's futuristic technology. Makes sense. Tyra is 60% android, and the two Jays may as well be molded out of plastic. Speaking of, OJ is looking grosser by the season. Is that his "futuristic" costume or his "aging lesbian" costume? Panel interviews showcase the girls' various psychoses. The thirty-three semi-finalists are whittled down to twenty. Aw, deprogrammed Mormon will not be moving on to the metallic catsuit portion of the hour. What a shame. The girls choose their own pose before Tyra and the Jays do the final cut. I'm happy to see that the judgmental snot will not be moving into the house, because five minutes of her was about all I could take. Also cut is the plus-sizer (who needs them since Whitney won?), and a girl who majored in English Literature at Harvard, but doesn't know who Jane Eyre is. My poor blog's namesake weeps in despair. After the dust settles, fourteen girls make it in:
-Ghetto Asian (Sheena)
-Boring Girl (Analeigh)
-Saleisha Wannabe (Nikeysha)
-French Waif (Marjorie)
-Naive Teen (Samantha)
-Exotic Bisexual (Elina -- LabRat's early favorite)
-Biracial Hottie (Brittany R. -- Limecrete's early favorite)
-Annoying Egomaniac (Brittney B.)
-Side-Talking Cage-Fighter (Brittany S. -- No, I'm not kidding -- three girls named Brittany)
-Small-Town Rube (Hannah)
-Pre-Op Transexual (Isis)
-Bitch (Clark)
-Twelve-Head (Lauren Brie)
-Squeaky Old Lady (Joslyn -- Who's got one foot in the grave at the ripe old age of 23)
That's a lot of ovaries. Let's move on to the second hour of the premiere, where we can cut a couple loose (or not, if Isis takes the fall).
Overall Grade: B
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
And the Winner Is...
America's Next Top Model - Season 10, Episode 12
Previously on America's Next Top Model: A shark-jumping bore of a season.
In the first half of the finale, the final three girls do another CoverGirl commercial, though thankfully it's in English this time. None of the three do spectacularly well, though when has doing well ever had any effect on the judging later? The commercial is followed by the traditional beauty shot. The first panel strikes, and Fatima takes the long walk home.
That leaves Whitney and Anya to duke it out at the fashion show, and Whitney is clearly better. Again, not that it would make a difference if the judges didn't want it to. My hopes are raised when Whitney's portfolio is highly praised at the final panel, and though LabRat suspects they're just covering their skinny asses before cutting her wider one, she pulls out the win. Yay! If this season weren't so tedious, I'd be jumping off the couch at a beautiful, deserving plus-sized winner. But it was, so let's all give a big thumbs up to Whitney, and turn our attention to more important matters.
Overall Grade: B+
Overall Season Grade: C+
Previously on America's Next Top Model: A shark-jumping bore of a season.
In the first half of the finale, the final three girls do another CoverGirl commercial, though thankfully it's in English this time. None of the three do spectacularly well, though when has doing well ever had any effect on the judging later? The commercial is followed by the traditional beauty shot. The first panel strikes, and Fatima takes the long walk home.
That leaves Whitney and Anya to duke it out at the fashion show, and Whitney is clearly better. Again, not that it would make a difference if the judges didn't want it to. My hopes are raised when Whitney's portfolio is highly praised at the final panel, and though LabRat suspects they're just covering their skinny asses before cutting her wider one, she pulls out the win. Yay! If this season weren't so tedious, I'd be jumping off the couch at a beautiful, deserving plus-sized winner. But it was, so let's all give a big thumbs up to Whitney, and turn our attention to more important matters.
Overall Grade: B+
Overall Season Grade: C+
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Ready for My Close-Up
America's Next Top Model - Season 10, Episode 11
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Katarzyna was pretty, but boring, and got eliminated. That's all they can find to say about last week, so they see fit to tell us what happened two weeks ago as well. I'll assume you're up to speed.
The challenge this week is to act as photographer, and each of the girls takes pictures of Paulina in the park. Whitney and Fatima do a nice job, but Anya and Dominique are too unfocused. Fatima wins the challenge, which gives her fifty extra frames at the upcoming photo shoot.
The shoot is photographed by Nigel, and the girls are styled as '50s glamour queens who have been caught by the paparazzi. Because swarms of paparazzi were such a big problem in the 1950s.
LabRat: "If this were really the '50s, Fatima would be dressed like a maid."
Nobody seems to do that great a job, but Anya lucks into a good shot, and Whitney's natural beauty powers her through. That leaves Fatima and Dominique in the bottom two, and the battle of whose self-satisfaction is least warranted is finally settled, as Dominique is banished.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: This crushing bore of a season comes to a close. I'm throwing my tepid support behind Whitney.
Overall Grade: C
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Katarzyna was pretty, but boring, and got eliminated. That's all they can find to say about last week, so they see fit to tell us what happened two weeks ago as well. I'll assume you're up to speed.
The challenge this week is to act as photographer, and each of the girls takes pictures of Paulina in the park. Whitney and Fatima do a nice job, but Anya and Dominique are too unfocused. Fatima wins the challenge, which gives her fifty extra frames at the upcoming photo shoot.
The shoot is photographed by Nigel, and the girls are styled as '50s glamour queens who have been caught by the paparazzi. Because swarms of paparazzi were such a big problem in the 1950s.
LabRat: "If this were really the '50s, Fatima would be dressed like a maid."
Nobody seems to do that great a job, but Anya lucks into a good shot, and Whitney's natural beauty powers her through. That leaves Fatima and Dominique in the bottom two, and the battle of whose self-satisfaction is least warranted is finally settled, as Dominique is banished.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: This crushing bore of a season comes to a close. I'm throwing my tepid support behind Whitney.
Overall Grade: C
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
We Are Spartans
America's Next Top Model - Season 10, Episode 10
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Fatima got sick, but improved in time to do relatively well with the CoverGirl commercial. Whitney was called out for being too fake, but there was no getting around how awful Lauren's performance was, and no amount of great photos could save her from getting the boot in the country shaped like one. Five girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
The girls discuss how the judges treat them at panel. Whitney and Fatima have a brief, catty bonding moment, backstabbing Katarzyna by gossipping about how bland she is. I guess I can't be too harsh, as I kind of agree. Later, the girls are taken to a picturesque ruin to get some quick and dirty training in gladiator fight moves. After getting dressed up like Xena extras, they're pitted against a beefy warrior for an impromptu photo challenge. Dominique appears petrified, as if he's actually going to run her through with his sword. Which I guess is an understandable fear if you're Dominique. Whitney wins the challenge and 1000 euros to go shopping with, but kindly chooses to split the loot with Anya.
Later, the girls head to a castle to be photographed by Tyra, and they're all styled as Renaissance hookers. Or something. Tyra tells them to act in the manner of the period, but also to act as if they've just had a night at the club, and be sure to give it a modern twist. Great direction, Tyra. Why not just give them some advice like "I want you to act like a carrot, but a carrot that has just been laid off from its job as a plumber. And...go!" Anya, Dominique, and Fatima all do well, but Katarzyna continues her reign of bland, and Whitney's "best shot" is nothing of the kind. Fix! At panel, the minor, subservient judges dutifully stroke Tyra's ego, and pretend she's an amazing photographer. Dominique gets rightfully chastised for looking trashy as hell, while Katarzyna and Whitney sink to the bottom two. Whitney struggles through for yet another week, and Katarzyna walks the plank with her head held high. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Fatima and Dominique continue their mini-competition to see whose inflated sense of self-worth is bigger. Nigel has issues with the photo shoot.
Overall Grade: B
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Fatima got sick, but improved in time to do relatively well with the CoverGirl commercial. Whitney was called out for being too fake, but there was no getting around how awful Lauren's performance was, and no amount of great photos could save her from getting the boot in the country shaped like one. Five girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
The girls discuss how the judges treat them at panel. Whitney and Fatima have a brief, catty bonding moment, backstabbing Katarzyna by gossipping about how bland she is. I guess I can't be too harsh, as I kind of agree. Later, the girls are taken to a picturesque ruin to get some quick and dirty training in gladiator fight moves. After getting dressed up like Xena extras, they're pitted against a beefy warrior for an impromptu photo challenge. Dominique appears petrified, as if he's actually going to run her through with his sword. Which I guess is an understandable fear if you're Dominique. Whitney wins the challenge and 1000 euros to go shopping with, but kindly chooses to split the loot with Anya.
Later, the girls head to a castle to be photographed by Tyra, and they're all styled as Renaissance hookers. Or something. Tyra tells them to act in the manner of the period, but also to act as if they've just had a night at the club, and be sure to give it a modern twist. Great direction, Tyra. Why not just give them some advice like "I want you to act like a carrot, but a carrot that has just been laid off from its job as a plumber. And...go!" Anya, Dominique, and Fatima all do well, but Katarzyna continues her reign of bland, and Whitney's "best shot" is nothing of the kind. Fix! At panel, the minor, subservient judges dutifully stroke Tyra's ego, and pretend she's an amazing photographer. Dominique gets rightfully chastised for looking trashy as hell, while Katarzyna and Whitney sink to the bottom two. Whitney struggles through for yet another week, and Katarzyna walks the plank with her head held high. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Fatima and Dominique continue their mini-competition to see whose inflated sense of self-worth is bigger. Nigel has issues with the photo shoot.
Overall Grade: B
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Viva Italia
America's Next Top Model - Season 10, Episode 9
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Fatima suddenly remembered that travel often involves travel documents. Lauren sliced her thumb. Fatima got an appointment to score a passport, but going to it made her miss the photo shoot. Luckily for her, Stacy-Ann was far too normal to go any further in the competition, so Fatima lived to grouse another day. Six girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Rome, Italy. All the girls are super-excited to be here. Anya's so excited, she falls flat on her face at the Coliseum. Whitney's still plus-sized, in case you've forgotten. After a tour of the city, the girls arrive at their swank new model pad, which is beautiful. As soon as the girls get there, Fatima feels ill. She takes to her bed, which gives the other girls time to backstab her at the dinner table. Dominique seems to think that sickness is just a state of mind. No wonder Tyra likes her so much. Anya doesn't indulge in the catty gossip, taking Fatima a plate of food, instead. Aw. Fatima cries that being sick is the last thing she needs right now. I don't doubt that she's sick, but there comes a time when you're just like, "OK, what will Fatima's next excuse be? Killer tree shrews?"
The next day, Lauren bangs around the pad loudly, and the other girls interpret this as her being over the entire competition. What'ere. The girls head out to gawk at Italian women while riding Segways. It's as exciting as it sounds. Then, it's off to meet an Italian designer to prove that they've learned something. They get dressed in various Italian fashions and walk for the designer. Fatima tries to overcome her cough, while Whitney tries to overcome her weight. The designer thinks Dominqiue looks old, which is awesome. Lauren's walk is still atrocious. Anya bags yet another challenge, and wins a dress to wear at a red-carpet event.
The seasonal CoverGirl commercial looms, which fills Lauren with dread. Indeed, the girls learn that they'll be filming a thirty-second spot, and that they'll be delivering their lines in Italian. Standouts include Katarzyna, whose language aptitude is understandable, and Fatima, who does an excellent job of balancing language and delivery. Everyone else mostly sucks, though for different reasons. Anya's Italian is poor. Dominique's is just as bad, and she looks like a Sabado Gigante hostess to boot. She's so bad, the director hides his face in embarrassment. Whitney comes across as phony. And Lauren? Lauren is absolutely wretched. Never has a girl been this bad at the CoverGirl spot. Not even when they had to do it in Japanese.
At Panel, Whitney is saved by the fact that she at least managed to deliver a commercial, no matter how fake it seemed. Fatima is given top marks, and Katarzyna makes another futile attempt to teach Tyra how to pronounce her name. Tyra doesn't take kindly to being corrected, and tries to take it out on Katarzyna's perfectly acceptable commercial by calling it "boring sexy". Thankfully, Paulina smacks her down. The bottom two come down to Whitney, who's too phony, and Lauren, who's not phony enough. Although you know the judges would dearly love to eliminate Whitney, Lauren's commercial is simply too horrible to overlook, and she's tossed. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Tyra photographs the girls in feathery hats. Then they dress up as hooker cavewomen.
Overall Grade: B-
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Fatima suddenly remembered that travel often involves travel documents. Lauren sliced her thumb. Fatima got an appointment to score a passport, but going to it made her miss the photo shoot. Luckily for her, Stacy-Ann was far too normal to go any further in the competition, so Fatima lived to grouse another day. Six girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Rome, Italy. All the girls are super-excited to be here. Anya's so excited, she falls flat on her face at the Coliseum. Whitney's still plus-sized, in case you've forgotten. After a tour of the city, the girls arrive at their swank new model pad, which is beautiful. As soon as the girls get there, Fatima feels ill. She takes to her bed, which gives the other girls time to backstab her at the dinner table. Dominique seems to think that sickness is just a state of mind. No wonder Tyra likes her so much. Anya doesn't indulge in the catty gossip, taking Fatima a plate of food, instead. Aw. Fatima cries that being sick is the last thing she needs right now. I don't doubt that she's sick, but there comes a time when you're just like, "OK, what will Fatima's next excuse be? Killer tree shrews?"
The next day, Lauren bangs around the pad loudly, and the other girls interpret this as her being over the entire competition. What'ere. The girls head out to gawk at Italian women while riding Segways. It's as exciting as it sounds. Then, it's off to meet an Italian designer to prove that they've learned something. They get dressed in various Italian fashions and walk for the designer. Fatima tries to overcome her cough, while Whitney tries to overcome her weight. The designer thinks Dominqiue looks old, which is awesome. Lauren's walk is still atrocious. Anya bags yet another challenge, and wins a dress to wear at a red-carpet event.
The seasonal CoverGirl commercial looms, which fills Lauren with dread. Indeed, the girls learn that they'll be filming a thirty-second spot, and that they'll be delivering their lines in Italian. Standouts include Katarzyna, whose language aptitude is understandable, and Fatima, who does an excellent job of balancing language and delivery. Everyone else mostly sucks, though for different reasons. Anya's Italian is poor. Dominique's is just as bad, and she looks like a Sabado Gigante hostess to boot. She's so bad, the director hides his face in embarrassment. Whitney comes across as phony. And Lauren? Lauren is absolutely wretched. Never has a girl been this bad at the CoverGirl spot. Not even when they had to do it in Japanese.
At Panel, Whitney is saved by the fact that she at least managed to deliver a commercial, no matter how fake it seemed. Fatima is given top marks, and Katarzyna makes another futile attempt to teach Tyra how to pronounce her name. Tyra doesn't take kindly to being corrected, and tries to take it out on Katarzyna's perfectly acceptable commercial by calling it "boring sexy". Thankfully, Paulina smacks her down. The bottom two come down to Whitney, who's too phony, and Lauren, who's not phony enough. Although you know the judges would dearly love to eliminate Whitney, Lauren's commercial is simply too horrible to overlook, and she's tossed. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Tyra photographs the girls in feathery hats. Then they dress up as hooker cavewomen.
Overall Grade: B-
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
For Those About to Walk, We Salute You
America's Next Top Model - Season 10, Episode 8
Previously on America's Next Top Model: The girls went to see. Whitney got hosed by people who aren't anxious to see a girl with an actual ass get modeling work, but I'm sure that nothing like that will happen tonight! Lauren's walk continued to suck. Claire's early promise flamed out, sending her home to a baby who will no doubt be thrilled to have an actual breast to latch onto. Seven girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
For those about to be confused by an episode title that makes no sense, we agree with you. The girls are all shocked that Claire got eliminated, but must sense that they just managed to lose some major competition. Everyone's really got their eyes on the prize, now. The girls also know that we're about to the point that they'll be sent abroad, so Fatima suddenly remembers that whoops...she doesn't have a passport or visa. She freaks out, because if she can't go abroad, she may be eliminated by default. No wonder she's surprised. It's not like the girls are sent abroad every single season. Oh, wait. They are.
Paulina drops by to give the girls some advice on conducting an interview, from both sides of the mic. As with all interview segments, it's really boring. Whitney decides to make some latkes, and Lauren joins her. As Lauren slices an onion, she clips the end of her fingernail off, probably taking some skin with it. Ouch! She's hurried off to the hospital, and in a strange confluence of events, Fatima is sympathetic, while Whitney's like "learn to cut an onion, freak".
Later, the girls are invited to a party thrown by 7-Up, complete with fake paparazzi outside who pretend that people are starving for pictures of reality show wannabes and the Jays. An equally contrived interviewer asks the girls a couple of questions. Dominique flubs the name of the designer who provided the dress, while Stacy-Ann and Whitney are taken to task for appearing phony. Stacy-Ann, I'll buy. But Whitney was perfectly natural and at ease. Lauren works her thumb bandage, but the interviewer tells her to watch her "potty mouth". You know what I hate more than inappropriate cursing? Adults who use the word "potty" in a sentence that's not "We're going to try and start potty training our son this weekend." Just so you know how much of a set-up this challenge is, Marble-mouthed Anya wins. The interview challenge. No, really. Once again, she's photographed naked. Someone sure wants to see as much Anya tit as possible. At least she gets some corporate kickback this time, scoring a $10,000 check.
Fatima tells us about her lack of a passport about a kajillion times, and the producers set up an interview for her to get a new one. The girls are told to pack their bags, and they all squeal with excitement, assuming that this is the call to go abroad. But they're foiled by a photo shoot at the airport, where they're all styled in very Cate Archer-esque travel outfits. It's pretty. Fatima has to leave to go to her appointment, and misses the shoot entirely. Once the girls are dismissed, they find themselves faced with the judging panel right there at the airport. Fatima makes it back in time for this (convenient!), and she's told they'll just have to judge her entire body of work. Anya continues to be oddly drooled-over, while Whitney continues to be oddly criticized for seeming fake. The bottom two shake out to be Fatima and Stacy-Ann, and though Fatima is roundly chastised for not thinking of her missing passport before now, she's got more bitch potential than Stacy-Ann, so she's safe. Stacy-Ann is barely out of frame before the other girls have forgotten her, thrilled over the news that now, it's time to go abroad. It's off to Rome!
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Rome. Dominique struggles with phonetic Italian. Shocking.
Overall Grade: B
Previously on America's Next Top Model: The girls went to see. Whitney got hosed by people who aren't anxious to see a girl with an actual ass get modeling work, but I'm sure that nothing like that will happen tonight! Lauren's walk continued to suck. Claire's early promise flamed out, sending her home to a baby who will no doubt be thrilled to have an actual breast to latch onto. Seven girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
For those about to be confused by an episode title that makes no sense, we agree with you. The girls are all shocked that Claire got eliminated, but must sense that they just managed to lose some major competition. Everyone's really got their eyes on the prize, now. The girls also know that we're about to the point that they'll be sent abroad, so Fatima suddenly remembers that whoops...she doesn't have a passport or visa. She freaks out, because if she can't go abroad, she may be eliminated by default. No wonder she's surprised. It's not like the girls are sent abroad every single season. Oh, wait. They are.
Paulina drops by to give the girls some advice on conducting an interview, from both sides of the mic. As with all interview segments, it's really boring. Whitney decides to make some latkes, and Lauren joins her. As Lauren slices an onion, she clips the end of her fingernail off, probably taking some skin with it. Ouch! She's hurried off to the hospital, and in a strange confluence of events, Fatima is sympathetic, while Whitney's like "learn to cut an onion, freak".
Later, the girls are invited to a party thrown by 7-Up, complete with fake paparazzi outside who pretend that people are starving for pictures of reality show wannabes and the Jays. An equally contrived interviewer asks the girls a couple of questions. Dominique flubs the name of the designer who provided the dress, while Stacy-Ann and Whitney are taken to task for appearing phony. Stacy-Ann, I'll buy. But Whitney was perfectly natural and at ease. Lauren works her thumb bandage, but the interviewer tells her to watch her "potty mouth". You know what I hate more than inappropriate cursing? Adults who use the word "potty" in a sentence that's not "We're going to try and start potty training our son this weekend." Just so you know how much of a set-up this challenge is, Marble-mouthed Anya wins. The interview challenge. No, really. Once again, she's photographed naked. Someone sure wants to see as much Anya tit as possible. At least she gets some corporate kickback this time, scoring a $10,000 check.
Fatima tells us about her lack of a passport about a kajillion times, and the producers set up an interview for her to get a new one. The girls are told to pack their bags, and they all squeal with excitement, assuming that this is the call to go abroad. But they're foiled by a photo shoot at the airport, where they're all styled in very Cate Archer-esque travel outfits. It's pretty. Fatima has to leave to go to her appointment, and misses the shoot entirely. Once the girls are dismissed, they find themselves faced with the judging panel right there at the airport. Fatima makes it back in time for this (convenient!), and she's told they'll just have to judge her entire body of work. Anya continues to be oddly drooled-over, while Whitney continues to be oddly criticized for seeming fake. The bottom two shake out to be Fatima and Stacy-Ann, and though Fatima is roundly chastised for not thinking of her missing passport before now, she's got more bitch potential than Stacy-Ann, so she's safe. Stacy-Ann is barely out of frame before the other girls have forgotten her, thrilled over the news that now, it's time to go abroad. It's off to Rome!
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Rome. Dominique struggles with phonetic Italian. Shocking.
Overall Grade: B
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
If You Can't Make It Here, You Can't Make It Anywhere
America's Next Top Model - Season 10, Episode 7
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Everyone hated Dominique, which Omniscient Tyra takes great pleasure in announcing. Claire and Aimee had trouble portraying musical styles, and since Claire has more potential in her breast milk than Aimee had in her whole body, Aimee took her shy self home. Eight girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Whitney is surprised and pleased to have been called first last week. She feels it's time for America's Next Top Model to crown a plus-sized winner. Claire is relieved to have survived the bottom two, but some of the other girls rightfully peg her gleeful dance at seeing Aimee chopped as a bit insensitive. At the model pad, Fatima makes coffee, someone drinks or pours it out, she blames Lauren, and Lauren tells her to fuck off. The end. These pointless fights are getting increasingly tedious.
Tyra Mail informs the girls that they'll be going on their traditional go-sees, but in a new twist, the girls are dispatched in two teams, rather than individually. Dominique and Whitney find themselves on the same team, and swear they'll get along. No mention is made of the fact that Claire, who also hates Dominique, is also on the team. Whitney is criticized for being plus-sized by a designer, but tries to take it gracefully. Less graceful is Dominique, who can't wait to see Whitney's fat ass canned. Shocking. Actually, the same designer has trouble fitting Fatima, because she's too small. Jeez, Goldilocks wasn't this fucking picky. Whitney does better at the next designer, who actually has outfits to fit different body types. Imagine that. Lauren's walk is still horrendous. The teams are mostly tied going into the third and final go-see, but the Claire/Dominique/Whitney/Stacy-Ann team wins, thanks mostly to Stacy-Ann, who all the designers loved. Their prize is a picture in Seventeen. Zzzz.
The next day, the girls head to the photo shoot. They're usually really good at coming up with good ideas for shoots, but this one is a snoozer. Basically, the girls will be approximating "performance" "art" by flinging themselves onto a clear sheet covered in water with no hair or makeup products and photographed from below. Claire does a bellyflop, not really getting that three inches of water does not a swimming pool make. She hurts herself a bit, but eventually pulls it together. OJ feels her poses are a bit stilted. The rest of the girls do fair to middling, though Whitney knocks it out of the park, and Stacy-Ann struggles. Katarzyna gets her hair chopped right before her shoot, and she looks good.
At Panel, most of the pictures wind up looking blurry and bland, though the judges try to convince themselves that it was a fabulous idea. Despite all that, Whitney and Fatima manage to get good pictures. In deliberations, the judges say Claire is becoming one-note, Katarzyna needs to show some personality, and Dominique looked totally trashy at Panel. Fatima is called at the top of the pack, Stacy-Ann's strong challenge performance saves her from her weak photo, and Claire and Lauren wind up as the bottom two. Dun dun duuuuuun! Claire takes good pictures, but they're all the same. Lauren is a gawky mess in person. Shockingly, Lauren gets her photo, and Claire, who started off so strong, is eliminated. Good thing Whitney's around to snap up my loyalty. Claire is disappointed, but not overly bitter about the whole experience.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Fatima may be kicked out due to legal difficulties. Lauren chops her finger off or something. Oooh, that sounds a lot more interesting than this week's borefest.
Overall Grade: C-
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Everyone hated Dominique, which Omniscient Tyra takes great pleasure in announcing. Claire and Aimee had trouble portraying musical styles, and since Claire has more potential in her breast milk than Aimee had in her whole body, Aimee took her shy self home. Eight girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Whitney is surprised and pleased to have been called first last week. She feels it's time for America's Next Top Model to crown a plus-sized winner. Claire is relieved to have survived the bottom two, but some of the other girls rightfully peg her gleeful dance at seeing Aimee chopped as a bit insensitive. At the model pad, Fatima makes coffee, someone drinks or pours it out, she blames Lauren, and Lauren tells her to fuck off. The end. These pointless fights are getting increasingly tedious.
Tyra Mail informs the girls that they'll be going on their traditional go-sees, but in a new twist, the girls are dispatched in two teams, rather than individually. Dominique and Whitney find themselves on the same team, and swear they'll get along. No mention is made of the fact that Claire, who also hates Dominique, is also on the team. Whitney is criticized for being plus-sized by a designer, but tries to take it gracefully. Less graceful is Dominique, who can't wait to see Whitney's fat ass canned. Shocking. Actually, the same designer has trouble fitting Fatima, because she's too small. Jeez, Goldilocks wasn't this fucking picky. Whitney does better at the next designer, who actually has outfits to fit different body types. Imagine that. Lauren's walk is still horrendous. The teams are mostly tied going into the third and final go-see, but the Claire/Dominique/Whitney/Stacy-Ann team wins, thanks mostly to Stacy-Ann, who all the designers loved. Their prize is a picture in Seventeen. Zzzz.
The next day, the girls head to the photo shoot. They're usually really good at coming up with good ideas for shoots, but this one is a snoozer. Basically, the girls will be approximating "performance" "art" by flinging themselves onto a clear sheet covered in water with no hair or makeup products and photographed from below. Claire does a bellyflop, not really getting that three inches of water does not a swimming pool make. She hurts herself a bit, but eventually pulls it together. OJ feels her poses are a bit stilted. The rest of the girls do fair to middling, though Whitney knocks it out of the park, and Stacy-Ann struggles. Katarzyna gets her hair chopped right before her shoot, and she looks good.
At Panel, most of the pictures wind up looking blurry and bland, though the judges try to convince themselves that it was a fabulous idea. Despite all that, Whitney and Fatima manage to get good pictures. In deliberations, the judges say Claire is becoming one-note, Katarzyna needs to show some personality, and Dominique looked totally trashy at Panel. Fatima is called at the top of the pack, Stacy-Ann's strong challenge performance saves her from her weak photo, and Claire and Lauren wind up as the bottom two. Dun dun duuuuuun! Claire takes good pictures, but they're all the same. Lauren is a gawky mess in person. Shockingly, Lauren gets her photo, and Claire, who started off so strong, is eliminated. Good thing Whitney's around to snap up my loyalty. Claire is disappointed, but not overly bitter about the whole experience.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Fatima may be kicked out due to legal difficulties. Lauren chops her finger off or something. Oooh, that sounds a lot more interesting than this week's borefest.
Overall Grade: C-
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
House of Pain
America's Next Top Model - Season 10, Episode 6
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Whitney didn't appreciate being called racist by Dominique, especially since skin color has nothing to do with why Dominique is such an asshole. The girls had paint dripped down their faces. Marvita, whether by intimidation or boredom, couldn't give her all, and was punted back home. Nine girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
So the whole first segment is the Saga of Dominique's Alarm Clock. She sets it early, and she sets it often. I admit, I have to do the same thing, as I'm a deep sleeper (and the polar opposite of a morning person), so it takes me several attempts to get out of bed. On the other hand, I'm not sharing my room with a bunch of other people. Claire confronts Dominique about waking other people up unnecessarily, and Dominique has a customary "What? I have to take other people into consideration?" type of response. Even Anya is, like, "that girl needs to work on her communication", and when Anya says that, you know you've got a problem. Dominique's selfishness leads Claire, Whitney, and even sweet-tempered Lauren to yell at her, so she flees to the phone to complain to her mom about how they're all just intimidated by her modeling prowess. Yeah, that must be it. Not that you're a raging asshole.
The next day, Tyra drives the girls to a dance studio, where they dress in identical red outfits for no reason whatsoever. She teaches them about portraying various kinds of pain through posing, and the whole thing is horrifically boring. Later, the girls learn that their pain poses were actually a challenge, and Anya emerges as the winner. Her prize is to go have a one-on-one photo shoot with Nigel, where she's naked on a bed. Thumbs up to Nigel, because the resulting pictures are the first time I can accept Anya as a model. She looks really good. When Aimee hears of what the shoot entailed, she's relieved not to have won, because she's all Mormony and innocent, and not ready to get naked. Understandable. It's not like the girls have had to pose in states of undress since the first season or anything.
Later that night, Claire, Whitney, and Lauren shit-talk Dominique in the same room as her, while Dominique is trying to sleep. And yeah, I hate Dominique, and I'm sick to death of her "Why don't you treat me with respect?" whine, as she clearly can't fathom that you get what you put out in that department. But by the same token, the other three really are being bitchy. I'm all for shit-talking Dominique, or for fighting with her when she's being especially douchey, but you can't claim a moral high ground if you're going to bully someone who's just trying to go to sleep.
The next day, the girls head for the photo shoot, where they're told they'll each embody a different type of music. Interesting. Fatima is heavy metal, and blah. Katarzyna is emo, and fine. Lauren is pop, and gorgeous as always. Claire is country, and somewhat hokey. Dominique is folk, and just stands around looking stoned. Anya is punk, and looks fine, though OJ says the hair, makeup, and wardrobe are doing most of the work. Stacy-Ann is house, and whoever did her hair is a genius. It's like an explosion of porcupine spikes, and looks awesome. Aimee is R&B, and sucks. Yeah, if there's one thing I don't trust to the Mormons, it's rhythm. Whitney is grunge, and does a terrific job.
At panel, the judges love Whitney, and think Katarzyna rocked the short hair look so well they're going to attack her in the middle of the night with styling scissors. On the other end, neither Claire nor Aimee connected with their music styles at all, and wind up in the bottom two. This one's not hard to call, and indeed, Aimee takes a walk. In her final interview, she assures us that she's not as innocent as the judges thought she was. I'll believe it when I see a boob shot, Aimee. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Go-sees! The harsh industry comes down hard on poor, curvy Whitney, which delights Dominique no end. Lauren freaks the fuck out.
Overall Grade: C
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Whitney didn't appreciate being called racist by Dominique, especially since skin color has nothing to do with why Dominique is such an asshole. The girls had paint dripped down their faces. Marvita, whether by intimidation or boredom, couldn't give her all, and was punted back home. Nine girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
So the whole first segment is the Saga of Dominique's Alarm Clock. She sets it early, and she sets it often. I admit, I have to do the same thing, as I'm a deep sleeper (and the polar opposite of a morning person), so it takes me several attempts to get out of bed. On the other hand, I'm not sharing my room with a bunch of other people. Claire confronts Dominique about waking other people up unnecessarily, and Dominique has a customary "What? I have to take other people into consideration?" type of response. Even Anya is, like, "that girl needs to work on her communication", and when Anya says that, you know you've got a problem. Dominique's selfishness leads Claire, Whitney, and even sweet-tempered Lauren to yell at her, so she flees to the phone to complain to her mom about how they're all just intimidated by her modeling prowess. Yeah, that must be it. Not that you're a raging asshole.
The next day, Tyra drives the girls to a dance studio, where they dress in identical red outfits for no reason whatsoever. She teaches them about portraying various kinds of pain through posing, and the whole thing is horrifically boring. Later, the girls learn that their pain poses were actually a challenge, and Anya emerges as the winner. Her prize is to go have a one-on-one photo shoot with Nigel, where she's naked on a bed. Thumbs up to Nigel, because the resulting pictures are the first time I can accept Anya as a model. She looks really good. When Aimee hears of what the shoot entailed, she's relieved not to have won, because she's all Mormony and innocent, and not ready to get naked. Understandable. It's not like the girls have had to pose in states of undress since the first season or anything.
Later that night, Claire, Whitney, and Lauren shit-talk Dominique in the same room as her, while Dominique is trying to sleep. And yeah, I hate Dominique, and I'm sick to death of her "Why don't you treat me with respect?" whine, as she clearly can't fathom that you get what you put out in that department. But by the same token, the other three really are being bitchy. I'm all for shit-talking Dominique, or for fighting with her when she's being especially douchey, but you can't claim a moral high ground if you're going to bully someone who's just trying to go to sleep.
The next day, the girls head for the photo shoot, where they're told they'll each embody a different type of music. Interesting. Fatima is heavy metal, and blah. Katarzyna is emo, and fine. Lauren is pop, and gorgeous as always. Claire is country, and somewhat hokey. Dominique is folk, and just stands around looking stoned. Anya is punk, and looks fine, though OJ says the hair, makeup, and wardrobe are doing most of the work. Stacy-Ann is house, and whoever did her hair is a genius. It's like an explosion of porcupine spikes, and looks awesome. Aimee is R&B, and sucks. Yeah, if there's one thing I don't trust to the Mormons, it's rhythm. Whitney is grunge, and does a terrific job.
At panel, the judges love Whitney, and think Katarzyna rocked the short hair look so well they're going to attack her in the middle of the night with styling scissors. On the other end, neither Claire nor Aimee connected with their music styles at all, and wind up in the bottom two. This one's not hard to call, and indeed, Aimee takes a walk. In her final interview, she assures us that she's not as innocent as the judges thought she was. I'll believe it when I see a boob shot, Aimee. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Go-sees! The harsh industry comes down hard on poor, curvy Whitney, which delights Dominique no end. Lauren freaks the fuck out.
Overall Grade: C
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Top Model Takes It to the Streets
America's Next Top Model - Season 10, Episode 5
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Lauren sucked at runway, but knew how to take a good photo. The girls donned meat bikinis, after which the judges finally realized that Amis has about as much modeling potential as a banana slug, and she was sent on her way. Ten girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Fatima is shocked she was in the bottom two last week. She would be. She spends the rest of the episode figuring out which of the girls don't want to be a model as much as she, confusing dedication with talent. Dominique talks in the third person a lot, while Marvita frets over being too "hood" for the competition. She loves being here, but it's more for the free stuff than for any long-term career potential.
The girls head to a broken-down warehouse, where they're met by Benny Ninja and an "international supermodel" I've never heard of. Benny tries to impart the basic knowledge of commerical, couture, and catalog posing. The girls demonstrate, and everyone does a fairly good job, except for Marvita, who's starting to realize more and more that she doesn't fit in.
Back at the pad, Whitney interviews about the girls' sign-up sheet for phone times, which is entirely sensible. When Dominique misses her time, she tries her damndest to make it Whitney's fault, using every excuse from attitude to racism. Nice try, Dominique. Whitney shouts her down, and Lauren tells them both that their fight is totally stupid, further edging her up the ladder in my estimation. She's starting to give Claire a run for her money as my girl.
Challenge time! The girls meet Benny, Anonymous Supermodel, and some posers (no, real posers -- not poseurs) for posing battles. They're split into two groups, and jerk around in various poses before being told to strike a final commercial, couture, or catalog one. A lot of the girls have trouble with this basic English, including Fatima, whose best idea for a pose is to thrust her crotch into Whitney's face. When the dust settles, Claire wins herself another challenge, and though her team members get to take home some swag, she gets a trip to Bora Bora. Nice!
The photo shoot this week is to put some colored-plastic-wrap-a-la-'80s-movie on the girls' heads, and have vibrant paint dripped down their faces. Most of the girls do a fair to excellent job, but Marvita's shattered spirit, combined with last week's warning to stop making mean faces at the camera, dooms her to a poor shot. Stacy-Ann gets top marks at panel for finally showing her neck, and Fatima is taken to task for not bothering to shave her armpits. Narsty. Dominique is praised for showing a softer side (which is apt -- she'll never model for anything more high-fashion than Sears), and Lauren once again bags a great photo. In the end, it comes down to Whitney and Marvita, and to the surprise of nobody, Marvita's sad shot gets her booted. It was about the right time for her to go, although her overt glee at scoring free pants and such was quite endearing. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: The girls all wear red clothing to show...pain? Either that or they're all getting jobs at Target. Everybody hates Dominique, which is heartening.
Overall Grade: C
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Lauren sucked at runway, but knew how to take a good photo. The girls donned meat bikinis, after which the judges finally realized that Amis has about as much modeling potential as a banana slug, and she was sent on her way. Ten girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Fatima is shocked she was in the bottom two last week. She would be. She spends the rest of the episode figuring out which of the girls don't want to be a model as much as she, confusing dedication with talent. Dominique talks in the third person a lot, while Marvita frets over being too "hood" for the competition. She loves being here, but it's more for the free stuff than for any long-term career potential.
The girls head to a broken-down warehouse, where they're met by Benny Ninja and an "international supermodel" I've never heard of. Benny tries to impart the basic knowledge of commerical, couture, and catalog posing. The girls demonstrate, and everyone does a fairly good job, except for Marvita, who's starting to realize more and more that she doesn't fit in.
Back at the pad, Whitney interviews about the girls' sign-up sheet for phone times, which is entirely sensible. When Dominique misses her time, she tries her damndest to make it Whitney's fault, using every excuse from attitude to racism. Nice try, Dominique. Whitney shouts her down, and Lauren tells them both that their fight is totally stupid, further edging her up the ladder in my estimation. She's starting to give Claire a run for her money as my girl.
Challenge time! The girls meet Benny, Anonymous Supermodel, and some posers (no, real posers -- not poseurs) for posing battles. They're split into two groups, and jerk around in various poses before being told to strike a final commercial, couture, or catalog one. A lot of the girls have trouble with this basic English, including Fatima, whose best idea for a pose is to thrust her crotch into Whitney's face. When the dust settles, Claire wins herself another challenge, and though her team members get to take home some swag, she gets a trip to Bora Bora. Nice!
The photo shoot this week is to put some colored-plastic-wrap-a-la-'80s-movie on the girls' heads, and have vibrant paint dripped down their faces. Most of the girls do a fair to excellent job, but Marvita's shattered spirit, combined with last week's warning to stop making mean faces at the camera, dooms her to a poor shot. Stacy-Ann gets top marks at panel for finally showing her neck, and Fatima is taken to task for not bothering to shave her armpits. Narsty. Dominique is praised for showing a softer side (which is apt -- she'll never model for anything more high-fashion than Sears), and Lauren once again bags a great photo. In the end, it comes down to Whitney and Marvita, and to the surprise of nobody, Marvita's sad shot gets her booted. It was about the right time for her to go, although her overt glee at scoring free pants and such was quite endearing. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: The girls all wear red clothing to show...pain? Either that or they're all getting jobs at Target. Everybody hates Dominique, which is heartening.
Overall Grade: C
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)