Intermezzo

Greetings!

My sincere apologies for the site suddenly going dark. A combination of travel, sickness, and Serious Life Business all sprang up at the same time, and as always, blogging is the first thing to go when free time evaporates.

I have still been watching and enjoying this season, and am bummed that all this had to flare up just in time for Marcel to get eliminated. I would have enjoyed recapping that.

Thanks for all the comments and emails! Things are settling down now, and while I probably won't be able to fire up the blog again anytime soon, feel free to use this post as an open thread to post comments about the All-Star season. I'm always interested in others' opinions; can I really be the only one out there pulling for Antonia?

So Long, Chum

Top Chef - Season 8, Episode 6

Note to readers: This is a short summary of the episode that will be replaced by a more complete recap before the next episode airs. Stay tuned!

As other bloggers have noted (even recently), there are two types of reality show villain. There's the kind that knows playing the bad boy (or girl) will garner more attention, and thus more mini-fame. The more obvious he or she is at trying to get on other people's nerves, the more pathetic it looks. Ladies and gentlemen...Marcel.

The other type of villain has no idea how they're coming off to their competitors and to the general public. They honestly believe that they're just dandy people, and are oblivious to how obnoxious they can be. Ladies and gentlemen...Jamie.

But more on that in the full recap. Tonight's episode dispenses with the Quickfire entirely, and sends the chefs out to catch fish. The twelve remaining contestants are split into four teams of three, and must use the fish they catch to prepare a beach feast.

Richard, Marcel, and Fabio decide to focus all of their energy into one dish, the better to make it great, and the better to spread blame around should something go wrong.

Antonia, Jamie, and Tiffani decide to each focus on their own dish, the better to make them great, and the better to be able to ignore the problems of the others.

Mike/Angelo/Tiffany and Dale/Carla/Tre split the difference, and try to put together diverse menus while still lending a hand to one another, so it's nice to see that those two teams wind up on top. Carla scores the individual win, and gets to put another trip on the travel itinerary. Her husband must be jazzed to see how this season is playing out.

Richard/Marcel/Fabio and Antonia/Jamie/Tiffani fall to the bottom. Antonia had a great dish, and is only there because of her teammates. She gets criticized for not helping out the other ladies enough, and to my disappointment, does not give the judges the backtalk they so desperately deserve in such a situation. On the plus side, she gets to stick around while both of her teammates get punted. Tiffani completes her redemption from Season 1, while Jamie wrecks any goodwill she built up in Season 5. You probably should have planned that out a little better, Princess Scallop.

China Syndrome

Top Chef - Season 8, Episode 5

Previously on Top Chef: Hey, did you know that Spike allowed other people to execute his dish? He totally did! And then he went home! Coincidence? I THINK NOT!!!!! You should never rely on or allow another chef to direct your vision! By the way, the show would still like you to conveniently ignore that allowing yuzu gelee to be added to his soup was perhaps .5% of the reason Spike got eliminated. Thanks so much, and enjoy the show! Thirteen chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Antonia doesn't understand what drives Angelo to stick his nose into so many other people's dishes. Not literally, of course, although that would be entertaining. She calls his constant need to interfere a case of "Chef Tourette's", which is honestly the best description of it I've heard so far. It's certainly a lot more believable than Angelo having some grand evil plan to sabotage everyone else. Richard outlines the Jamie Arc for us again.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma. It's tough to concentrate on anything she says, because she's wearing a black and white striped shirt with puffy shoulders. I guess it figures. She's already been the parrot, and has now worked her way up to full-fledged pirate. I look forward to the inevitable peg-leg and eyepatch.

Panny: "I had a shirt like that. In third grade."

Padma explains that today's Quickfire will be a test of speed. Another chef will come in and make a dish as fast as he can, and however much time that takes is the time limit that the contestants will have to make their own dishes. The pace chef turns out to be Ptom. I'm not sure if the show is putting him forward as some sort of "Look! He doesn't just sit behind a table and pronounce judgment! He's really talented!" statement, or if they just thought it'd be a cute idea for a challenge. I waffled back and forth on this, but as I'm feeling rather cynical today, right now I'm in the former camp. The other chefs dutifully suck up in interview. Ptom starts his prep. He's an impressive whirl of speed at first, although he probably didn't intend to catapult his leftover fish carcass right into Padma. Well, wear a pirate shirt, and of course dead fish will be attracted to you. When Ptom finishes, there is a scant 8 minutes, 37 seconds on the clock.

The chefs gird themselves for a tough challenge. Ptom tells them that degree of difficulty will factor into the results, so quick slices of tuna tartare aren't going to make the grade. Padma adds some incentive when she promises the winner not only immunity, but a brand new Toyota Prius to go along with it. The countdown starts. Marcel has the very smart idea to avoid the clusterfuck of ingredient grabbing at the fridge, and heads right for Ptom's leftover fish. Nicely done. Wild prep ensues; it's understandably even more chaotic than usual. And before you know it, time's up. Ptom and Padma go down the line.

Antonia has seared ahi tuna on top of a tarragon, corn, and tomato salad. Richard has roasted foie gras with aromatics, served with corn, coriander, and port. Tiffani has a weak-looking clam chowder with celery and cream. Fabio's dish is similar to Ptom's. It has steamed clams, with zucchini, fish, tomato broth, thyme, and garlic. Angelo has disregarded the whole "difficulty matters" lecture, and has made a crudo, with yuzu and branzino, with jalapeno and cilantro. Tiffany has pan-seared bass, with tomato relish, olives, and capers. Ooh. Yes, please. Capers bring me happiness.

Tre has grilled beef tenderloin with seared foie gras, and serves it with mushrooms and brandy sauce. Sounds pretty complicated for the time limit. Carla has got shrimp with mango, cilantro, and mint. Now that sounds like an eight-minute dish. Dalet attempted to make pad Thai with egg noodles, but couldn't complete much of anything in the time limit. His bowls just have one sad noodle and some cooking liquid at the bottom. Casey was in such a hurry that she still has food stuck in her hair. Heh. She's made a spice-rubbed filet, with a fresh tomato relish. Marcel has used Ptom's black sea bass, and combined it with dashi broth, bok choy, and chili oil. Mike has pan-roasted branzino, with a black olive and caper stew. Yum. More happiness! Jamie wasn't able to get much clam done in time, so she calls it an amuse-bouche with tomato and bacon. I guess she can't do much else at this point. You know, Carla aside, Jamie's season was the most boring one, so a lot of details are lost to the sands of time, but I honestly don't remember her being this sucky. Didn't she show some promise at some point?

Results. The bottom three naturally kicks off with Dalet, who was the only chef not able to plate anything. Jamie couldn't put anything together with her clam. And her dish wasn't much to talk about, either. Ba-zing! Angelo gets shunted to the bottom for the cardinal sin of ignoring a challenge parameter. Now, for the good news. Mike developed a ton of flavors. Richard had well-cooked foie gras. Marcel is commended for making dashi so speedily. The winner of the challenge, the immunity, and the car is... Mike. Yay! If you had told me during Season 6 that I'd one day be happily cheering Mike's victory, I'd have thought you were crazy. Yet here we are. I'm certainly not the only person to have noticed this attitude turnaround and disproportionate amount of screentime, but it's something to ponder.

Elimination Challenge. Like the Quickfire, it will also test the chefs' speed and organizational skills, though nobody's going to be able to get away with a one-clam "amuse-bouche" this time. The chefs are going to Chinatown, and will work as one team to supply a dim sum restaurant through the lunch rush. Obviously, some chefs are happier to hear this than others. Dalet once worked in a dim sum restaurant, and is thrilled, while Fabio is horrified. Padma warns that dim sum is served continuously, so keeping the carts filled is a big aspect of the challenge. The chefs are dismissed, and Mike heads outside to check out his new car. It's a nice car, though the dull gray finish they picked for it is unfortunate.

That evening, the chefs settle in to plan the menu. Jamie volunteers to make scallops. DRINK! Fabio sets up a flashback to Season 5, and Jamie's slavish devotion to putting scallops into everything short of a milkshake. Mike agrees to expedite, because that's what people with immunity do. After that's decided, a discussion of who's going to work the front-of-house arises. Thanks to the chefs' newfound focus on retaining full control of their own dishes, this one's not as easily settled. After all, whoever is out peddling the food will have less time in the kitchen. Eventually, Carla and Casey step up to the plate. Dalet and Angelo, who have the most experience in this arena, agree to do two dishes each. Jamie, perhaps still stinging from the whole Jamie Arc thing, wants to do two as well.

After the menu planning session, a group of chefs gather in the loft kitchen to drink and shoot the shit. Tiffani attacks Antonia with her bra. All the dudes immediately clear the room. And...scene!

Shopping. Fabio talks about his pet turtle over footage of him walking her on a leash. And...scene!

The chefs head for the dim sum restaurant, and get started on their three and a half hours of prep. Fabio discovers that the ovens don't go above 300 degrees. That's because Chinese people don't bake. Seriously, we've been watching a lot of House Hunters International lately, and if I've learned nothing else, I've learned that were I ever to move to Nanjing, making chocolate chip cookies won't be in the cards. Jamie screws up yet another dish. In this case, she's not happy with the way her dumplings are turning out. Casey has purchased a large bag of chicken feet, and is now stuck cutting all of the nails off of them. Carla wraps up some very pretty summer rolls. Tre has trouble keeping his dessert cold in the fiery heat of the cramped kitchen. As time winds down, a horde of Chinese diners enters the restaurant and gets seated. Casey prepares about a dozen of her chicken feet dishes, but has to go work the dining room, so she leaves the rest in Antonia's hands.

Service begins. There's a problem right away. All the chefs are behind in their prep, and in addition to that, Casey and Carla are working the dining room, Tiffany is loading the dumbwaiter with food, and Mike is extricating it. That's pretty much a full quarter of the chefs doing nothing but shuttling food from one place to another. Not an auspicious beginning. Casey and Carla greet the judges, including guest judge (and Top Chef Master) Susur Lee. Tiffani's cabbage salad with curry chicken is presented. It's a huge plate of roughage, and in no way would be a welcome sight at dim sum, at least in my eyes. Who knows, this crowd may love it. Fabio's soy, honey-glazed pork rib is also too big and unwieldy, although it looks tasty. Carla's summer rolls have a lemongrass dipping sauce on the side. Angelo's shrimp and pork spring rolls look fucking fantastic. Marcel has boneless chicken wings, with a scallion mayonnaise.

Meanwhile, the kitchen has already blown its wad, and isn't sending any dishes out. Tiffany shrieks at the other chefs to get her some goddamn food already, and complains in interview that she doesn't understand what's happening, because this is what they supposedly do every day; they're chefs. Well, exactly. They're chefs, not cooks. If you need a perfectly composed plate, with every delicate ingredient placed just so, these passionate artists have got you covered. Getting a large volume of food out quickly? Not so much. Also, most kitchens run on genuine teamwork, while this crew has no incentive to help one another out. The whole enterprise was doomed before it began.

Tasting. Angelo's spring roll gets high marks, while Carla's summer roll falters. Fabio's ribs are nice and sweet. Richard's dish is presented without being described, and without any identifying subtitles. Someone messed up. Marcel's dish is bland, while Tiffani's is heavy on the sesame. Service sucks. The crowd gets increasingly impatient. Get used to this theme, because it's never going to get any better. Jamie is a terrible chef with a terrible attitude. Get used to that theme, too, because it's never going to get any better. In fact, the entire structure of service dissolves, and everyone takes whatever they can to the dining room, carts and servers be damned.

Jamie and Antonia have collaborated on Chinese longbeans with sausage. Dalet and Angelo have collaborated on cheung fun with xo shrimp. Dalet has also made sticky rice with Chinese bacon, wrapped in banana leaf. Tiffany has steamed buns with spicy pork and vegetables. Tre's got an orange/ginger dessert, served with water chestnut, pine nuts, and Thai basil. Service sucks.

Tasting. The cheung fun is spicy, but tasty. Dalet's sticky rice is a hit as well. The longbeans are overcooked, while Tiffany's pork buns are delightfully authentic. Tre's dessert isn't cold enough, and has gotten runny. Service sucks. The kitchen is a total black hole of chaos. Casey descends to discover that Antonia can barely keep up with her own dish, and has let Casey's suffer as a result. Diners start to walk out in a huff. Ptom goes down to the kitchen to complain, which is the number one way to make things slow down even more. Everyone's running around in complete panic; it's not like they're down there playing canasta. I'm not prepared to call this a challenge where the chefs were set up to fail, because they could have done plenty differently to turn this around. But Ptom can certainly still feel free to shove that Disappointed Dad act he loves so much in his craw and suck on it for a while.

Casey's pathetic chicken feet finally make it out to the table. They're a play on chicken and waffles, and are braised and served with cilantro on a scallion pancake. Antonia has shrimp toast with pickled scallions and mushrooms. Mike has made pork and prawn steamed dumplings, served with spicy soy sauce. Jamie's dumplings have scallop and water chestnuts with Chinese chives. Service sucks.

Tasting. Mike's dumplings aren't bad, but the soy is too strong. Antonia's shrimp toast is great. Casey's chicken feet were not cooked in hot enough oil, and are stringy. Jamie's dumplings are awful. What...a shock. The terrible, horrible, no good, very bad service finally winds down. Well, that was just painful to watch. I've done my share of cater waiting, and have had those shifts were you just can't keep up for whatever reason, and they suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. I'm having sympathy stress. The chefs dejectedly drag themselves out.

Interstitial. Have they mentioned how much the service sucked? Well, just in case you haven't gotten that yet, let's devote the interstitial to repeating it.

Fret 'n sweat. The chefs do their best to do an autopsy on their service, but never find the cause of death. Padma enters, and summons Casey, Antonia, Carla, Jamie, and Tre to Judges' Table. While it's nice when they attempt to mix things up by calling the losing chefs first (as they've done here), it may whip up a bit more suspense when the divide isn't so obvious. Odd Asian Music and Gong have made sure to show up for this episode. For once, I guess Odd Asian Music actually makes sense in this context, so just for tonight let's welcome Perfectly Normal Asian Music!

Service is briefly mentioned, then completely discarded in favor of the food. While I'm glad cooking is taking center stage, it's still a bit disingenuous to spend half the episode on scenes of crappy service, only to have it lead nowhere. Jamie prepared her dumpling wrappers incorrectly. She also put way too much oil on the longbeans. Antonia's shrimp toast was good, but she did have her hand in the disappointing longbeans and in Casey's chicken feet, which the judges address now by saying they weren't cooked nearly long enough. Also, the pancake they rested on was way too heavy. Antonia's role is mentioned, but all she can find to say about the situation was that she wished there were more time to help each other.

Casey shakes her head, because that's not very helpful at all. I don't know if she never said it, or if it's on the cutting room floor, but I dearly wish Antonia had said something along the lines of "I'm disappointed that I couldn't do better for Casey, but I was trying to cook those AND my shrimp toast AND assist Jamie with the longbeans. Plenty of other chefs had poor food, and don't have the excuse of extra work." Tre's dessert was defeated by the hot kitchen. Carla's summer rolls were dainty and beautiful, but wound up being nothing but a mouthful of bland noodle. The chefs are dismissed.

Back in the Kitchen, Tiffany, Angelo, Dalet, and Fabio are sent to Winners' Table. That's three people who have experience with Chinese food preparation...and Fabio, who deserves a lot of credit for scoring so highly while so completely out of his comfort zone. His dish had good imagination, and tasted great. Tiffany's pork bun was bright and flavorful. Dalet's rice was fresh. Angelo's spring rolls were authentic, with good texture. Susur gets to announce the individual winner, who is... Dalet. I'm as surprised to be as happy for him as I was for Mike's Quickfire win. He deserves this one.

Deliberations. Padma says that this is a tough elimination, because so many things sucked. Both of Jamie's dishes were terrible, but she gets credit for putting in some extra work. Antonia is saved by her shrimp toast. Tre's dessert was a soupy mess. Neither the judges nor the diners liked Casey's chicken feet. Carla's dish was pretty as a painting, and tasted about as good. The judges make a decision.

Elimination. Bad wordplay by Ptom. The same criticisms. Let's get straight to the chop. Casey. Please pack your knives and go. What?!? Well, that's just bullshit. Let's have the final interview first: Unlike some of her other competitors, she clearly knew coming in that winning would be a longshot, and takes everything in stride. Figures. Someone finally gets an unfair elimination, and they have the nerve to be all mature about it. She does say what everyone's thinking - that everyone expected Jamie to be cut, including Jamie. Casey took a big risk leaving her dish in someone else's hands, and that risk did not pay off. She doesn't think it's her time to go, but that's how it worked out.

Seriously, are we missing something here? If I understand correctly, Casey's dish may have been saved by cooking at the proper temperature, which she was not around to do, because some of the chefs were required to be out in the dining room. I'm not even saying that that means Antonia should have been eliminated. I'm saying that Casey's food being bad was at least partially beyond Casey's control, while Jamie's dishes being bad all rests on Jamie. This was a bad, bad decision. Confucius say: "You got totally robbed, girl."

Overall Grade: C-

Love - All

Top Chef - Season 8, Episode 4

Previously on Top Chef: A culinary relay race reconfirmed the moral of "The Tortoise and the Hare". The chefs attempted to cook in the style of other people, the better to determine who's the most adaptable. Stephen -- who probably hasn't even cooked in his own style since Season 1 -- got eliminated, with poor Dalel right behind him. Fourteen chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Casey is bummed that her pal Dalel is no longer around to be awesome, while Tiffani tries to drag herself out of the slump that's put her into the bottom for two weeks running (although the first one doesn't really count, so whatever). Dalet is happy for his win, but gives the Standard Speech.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma and Tony Mantuano, who cooked for Top Chef Masters, and who rather looks like a friendly basset hound. I know it doesn't sound like it, but I mean that as a compliment. For today's Quickfire, we get one of those hilarious challenges that shoehorns a seasonal event going on in real time into an episode filmed at an entirely different time of year. I love it when they tell chefs to create a Christmas feast in August. Anyhow, the challenge today is to make stuffing, which Tiffani reminds us is probably the most varied "traditional" recipe in the entire pantheon of holiday foods. The chefs will have 45 minutes to create a stuffing of their own. If that sounds too simple, there's naturally a catch: No utensils allowed. That sounds pretty rough, but there's a nice bonus for the chef that works it out. The winner gets immunity and $20,000. Ready? Go!

The chefs spring right into their prep work, and some very clever ideas are hatched to get around the challenge's limitations. Richard uses a jar lid for a spoon. Fabio grates cheese through a dish rack. Tiffani butchers quail with a pepper mill. Tre freezes ingredients with liquid nitrogen so they can be smashed easily. Ears of corn and stalks of celery are used as stirring spoons. Time runs out. Padma and Tony go down the line. Casey has gone an Asian route with mushrooms and crispy chicken livers. Jamie has made a "stuffing crepinette" with pork and lemon oil. She calls it a take on matzo ball soup, which is about as apt as calling pepperoni pizza a take on breakfast cereal. Carla readily admits her quinoa didn't have time to cook properly, calling her finished plate "undone-te" instead of al dente. Hehehe.

Spike has stuffed quail with raisins and herbs, and has put an apricot glaze on it. Marcel has squab with raisin brioche, cherries, currants, and ras el hanout gravy. Enough with the raisins. Richard has pressure-cooked an onion with nitro-fried fennel. He also incorporates the hated raisins. Tre's southwestern stuffing has bacon, cheese, chili powder, and peppers. Now that's what I'm talkin' about. Dalet's Spanish-influenced stuffing has crab, oyster, chili lemon aioli, grapes, and olives. Tiffani's got soy maple stuffing with quail, grilled mushrooms, and grapes. Fabio has polenta bread with pressure-cooked vegetables, smoked bacon, and the aforementioned grated Parmesan.

Results. Carla naturally kicks off the bottom three, which is no surprise to anyone, least of all her. Tiffani's stuffing was too sweet. Casey's dish was more of a plated appetizer than a stuffing. Now, for the good news. Tre's dressing was spicy, but well-balanced. Marcel had great stuffing, along with a well-cooked, tasty bird. The winner of the immunity and the wad of cash is... Tre. Yaaaaaay! That really did look like the best stuffing. I'd demolish that stuff. He's thrilled, because he's got a couple of expensive things at home called daughters. Heh.

Elimination Challenge. Padma tells the chefs that they'll be cooking at the home of the US Open. The dishes made should reflect the healthy, energy-providing food that athletes base their diets on. Cans of tennis balls are passed to the chefs, some with orange balls, and some with yellow, which breaks everyone into two teams:

Orange: Carla, Richard, Dalet, Antonia, Marcel, Mike, and Fabio
Yellow: Spike, Jamie, Tiffani, Tiffany, Angelo, Tre, and Casey

Spike worries about his team, because as he puts it, he has no "allies" in this group of people. Ah, yes. In case you'd forgotten about how Spike approached this show, he was always more about manipulation and game-playing than the actual cooking. This Survivor-esque strategy sometimes served him well, but once all there was to rely on was cooking skill, he was history. Padma explains that a chef from each team will present their dish in a head-to-head standoff. Whichever dish is better earns a point for the respective team. First team to four points wins. It's a fairly simple idea, but a very good one. I'm surprised they haven't done something like this before.

The chefs head off for fifteen minutes of menu planning. They do their best to come up with some kind of game plan, but without knowing what the other team is making, it's kind of pointless, so everyone just decides to make whatever the hell they want. Food strategy aside, there's game strategy. Team Orange decides that as long as everyone knocks their individual dishes out of the park, it doesn't matter what order they go in. Master Manipulator Spike, on the other hand, has a different idea for Team Yellow. He wants to put whatever their weakest dish is out first, in order to give up a gimme point against what he's assuming will be a strong opener on Team Orange's part.

After shopping the next day, the chefs head for the US Open kitchen, where they get three hours of prep time. Fabio... Are you ready to be floored? Are you sitting down? I just want to be sure you're prepared to be massively shocked. Ready? Fabio... Is making gnocchi. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!! Next thing you know, he'll be preparing a pasta dish of some kind! Casey works with farro. Careful, there. Jamie frets that her chickpeas won't be cooked in time. Angelo doesn't like the fish he's bought, so he shops around the kitchen until Tiffany agrees to give up some of her tuna. Ew, not like that, perv. Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste. Since this challenge involves people trying to keep quiet about their respective strategies, it's even more of a waste of time than usual, although Spike does spill about his weakest-dish-first idea. In the whir of activity, Carla cuts half her fingernail clean off, which is a great opportunity to play another round of Here's How Much Awesomer I Am Than You At Withstanding Pain. Carla disdains the medic's advice to go to the hospital, puts a bandage on, and gets back to work. The other chefs give her props in interview, telling us that she really manned up...JAMIE. Unhappy with the first batch, Spike hurries to poach more shrimp in the final moments. Time runs out.

The chefs step out onto the courts for some final prep time. A few spectators watch from the stands. They will not figure into the episode in any way, shape, or form, so I'm unsure why they're included. The judges get seated (including a tennis player named Taylor Dent that I'm unfamiliar with), and Padma calls for the first match. Team Yellow is pretty much certain that Jamie's chickpea dish, which still hasn't finished cooking, is their worst entry. Team Orange sends Fabio out. Team Yellow is petrified of Richard, and since he's not out first (and since Jamie's food needs more time if it's to be of any use), their entire strategy burns down, falls over, and sinks into the swamp. Finally, Casey is like "Fuck it," and volunteers to go first. Fabio's whole wheat gnocchi is served with pork loin ragout, some caramelized fennel, and zucchini. Casey has brined, grilled pork tenderloin over a salad of farro, cherries, peas, and a vinaigrette. Taylor votes for Fabio, as do Padma and Ptom. That's enough votes for a majority, and Fabio wins the point.

He celebrates wildly, while Spike snarks in interview that the strategy was to give that point away, but to give it away with the worst dish. So, what's the difference? You wanted to pit your worst dish (Jamie) against what you assume is their best (Richard), and you can still do that. Maybe the strategy should have been Make Better Food Than the Other Team. I'd forgotten what grand fun it is watching Spike play at being a brilliant tactician. My nephew could totally take him at Chutes and Ladders. Dalet volunteers to go next for Team Orange, because if he doesn't, his dumplings won't make it. Marcel, originally slated to go second, is pissed for some nebulous reason. Dalet will be going up against Tiffani. He's made an edamame dumpling in spicy carrot froth, with crispy soy nuts. Tiffani has black bass sashimi, in an avocado and ponzu vinaigrette. Gail votes for Tiffani. Padma goes with Dalet. Ptom and Tony then vote for Tiffani, which seals the point for Team Yellow.

Next up is Angelo vs. Marcel. Angelo has smoked tuna, with a yuzu gelee, and red onion with capers. Marcel has a cauliflower couscous with pomegranate seeds and raisins. Gah! It's topped with some yellowfin tuna. Taylor can't really decide, but Ptom doesn't care for the cream that Marcel finished with. One vote Angelo. Tony and Gail soon follow, so that's two points for Team Yellow. Marcel gripes that Angelo always plates on a spoon, which is 1) Untrue, and 2) Irrelevant. I wait to hear about how this is all because his team didn't let him present second as originally planned, but it never comes. Jamie interviews that at this rate, she won't have to present at all, which is just how she'd like it.

It appears that Team Orange is about to put Richard forward, so Team Yellow pees their pants again and waffle over whether to send Jamie or not. When Team Orange actually sends Antonia, Team Yellow sends Tiffany out. Antonia would love to boost team morale, but "at the end of the day" (1) everyone is working on their own. DRINK! Tiffany has spiced some tuna with fennel, peppercorns, and coriander seeds, and serves it on a lentil salad. Antonia has scallop on a lentil puree, spiced with mint, and served on dandelion greens with cilantro and chives. Tony votes for Tiffany. Gail votes for Antonia. Taylor goes with Antonia. Padma votes Tiffany. This one's a squeaker! Ptom casts the deciding vote, and it goes to Antonia.

Tie game. Team Orange finally puts forth the feared Richard. Since Team Yellow has already given up two points, it's too late to give up a third on purpose. Spike will be going out. Angelo, who's had his fingers in several dishes, harangues Spike into adding some of Angelo's yuzu gelee to his dish. Spike reluctantly agrees. He's got a tomato tamarind soup, with olive oil-poached shrimp, pineapple, tomatoes, and dill. Richard has a spin on tabouli, with lamb, herbs, and yogurt. Tony says that both proteins are disappointing. Spike's shrimp was bland, and Richard's lamb was gamy. Richard's surrounding ingredients saved his, though, so he gets Tony's vote. Padma agrees, and after Ptom compliments the soup, but criticizes the shrimp, it's unanimous. Team Orange pulls ahead. Spike trudges back to his team, complaining in interview about how his plating went and how Jamie hasn't presented yet. Quick question. How do those two things figure into the worst problem with his dish, which was bland shrimp? I'll let you mull that over for a while.

Match point. Team Orange sends Carla up. Angelo encourages Jamie to go. Um, why? She, along with the rest of Team Yellow, would rather send someone who has a shot in hell of scoring a point, and use their last reserve, which is Tre. Angelo offers to help, and Tre allows him to cook the fish, some of which wind up overdone. The combatants walk up to present. Carla has an African groundnut soup, with baked sweet potato, peanuts, and adzuki beans. Tre has salmon on parsnip puree, with olive oil/citrus sauce, tomatoes, and olives. Taylor votes for Tre. Tony enthuses over Carla's soup, and happily gives her a vote. Padma votes for Carla, and Gail (after telling Tre that his fish is somewhat overdone), seals the deal. Carla takes the point, and with it, cinches Team Orange's victory. Carla lets out a wild, Xena-ish scream of triumph. Hehehe.

Spike complains that if only they'd have stuck with their strategy, Team Yellow would have won. HOW? If Jamie had lost to Fabio instead of Casey losing to Fabio, what would be different? Oh, I know! Nothing. Based on judge votes, the only hope Casey would have had would be to go up against Marcel. Neither of them got any votes. If she won that point, it would have given Team Yellow a tie, which would have brought the finals down to Mike vs. Tre, at which point the overcooked salmon would probably have sunk Team Yellow anyway. But by all means, Spike, blame the abandonment of your strategy rather than your crappy food. Glad to see that nothing's changed since your season. You and Elia should form a club. Tiffany agrees that Spike's strategy was idiotic, while Mike says that "at the end of the day," (2) you can't really have a strategy other than Make Good Food and expect to win. DRINK!

Interstitial. Mike leads a rousing dance party in the fret 'n sweat.

Speaking of, here we are. Spike interviews that Jamie had the worst dish, so "at the end of the day," (3) she should be up for elimination, which she isn't. DRINK! Padma enters, and summons the winning points from Team Orange: Carla, Fabio, Richard, and Antonia. Once they're out with the judges, Padma adds that the individual winner gets a trip to Italy. Nice. Fabio's face: "And? I go there every weekend." Richard explains that their strength was focusing on the food and not on any strategy. Carla's soup was homey, yet elevated. Antonia's dish had wonderful layers of flavor. Richard's tabouli tasted great, and Fabio's gnocchi was light, yet tasty. The winner of the challenge, and the trip to Italy is... Carla! YAAAAAAAAAY!!!! She gets applause and hugs back in the Kitchen, before the losing points from Team Yellow (Casey, Tre, Spike, and Tiffany) are sent out to Judges' Table. Once they're gone, Richard tells Jamie that she's got a story going now. She attempts to be pissy and offended, but knows exactly what he's talking about. And he's right. Jamie's arc is now officially: Attempt To Win the Season By Just Refusing to Cook Anything Until Everyone Else is Eliminated. She shrugs, trying to play it off like she doesn't care. She doesn't sell it well.

Judges' Table. Odd Asian Music and Gong are back from their break. The judges open by asking what Team Yellow's strategy was. Spike explains his terrific idea that the rest of the stupid team ignored. Ptom wonders where the backfire happened, because Jamie isn't even up for elimination. That is the one thing that I hadn't considered when tearing Spike apart a couple of paragraphs ago. His team still would have lost, but at least Jamie would be up for elimination. Spike tries another tack, which is to blame Angelo for messing with his soup. His soup that Ptom loved. Keep dancing, Spike! Still, Ptom thinks it worth asking Tiffany if she thinks Angelo is trying to sabotage other people's food. Before she answers, I have to say that I doubt it. I think Angelo always thinks he knows best, even when he has no idea what's going on with someone else's food. He's supercilious, not devious. Tiffany (partially) agrees, saying that each chef is ultimately responsible for their own dishes.

Gail tells Tiffany that her salad was somewhat overdressed, and her spice rub wasn't terrific, either. Fairly minor complaints, all things considered. Tre has immunity, but his fish was overcooked and oily, and was actually the judges' least favorite dish. Either Tre says nothing in response, or it's all on the cutting room floor. Casey's dish was heavy. She argues that it was meant to be hearty. Tony says that it was a problem of perception, and that if there had been more farro and less pork, it may not have been an issue. Meh. Also pretty minor, if you ask me. The chefs are dismissed. Back in the Kitchen, Spike sighs that he should have just told the others to step off and let him plate his own dish. He really is determined to ignore the fact that the parts that the other chefs messed with was the only part of his dish the judges liked. Keep dancing! Tiffany reiterates that "at the end of the day," (4) everyone is still responsible for their own food. DRINK!

Viewing Party Tiffany (reaching for her glass): "Jesus."
Limecrete: "See why it's a drinking game rule now?"

Seriously, America. It's time to put that phrase to bed. Deliberations. Tre is damned lucky he has immunity, and may have phoned it in. Spike's dish needed salt, and he should have stood his ground on plating. Casey's dish was protein-heavy. Tiffany's dish was underseasoned. A shot of Tiffany looking worried back in the Kitchen is shown, and in the background noise, Spike is still complaining about how other people messed with his food. Keep dancing! Nothing's ever your fault! Dance!

Elimination. The same criticisms are rehashed before the wild dance comes to an end. Spike. Please pack your knives and go. In his final interview, he makes sure to tell us how screwed he got, and how awesome he is, and how others should have gone first. He closes by addressing Jamie, and telling her that at some point the competition, she's going to have to stop playing games and cook. Really? People should focus on cooking skill and not on manipulative game play? How perceptive! Is there someone else in the general vicinity who might benefit from that lesson? Nah, probably not. Keep dancing, Spike. I'm sure you'll be able to fool someone one of these days.

Overall Grade: A

The Sincerest Form of Flattery

Top Chef - Season 8, Episode 3

Previously on Top Chef: They have a weird way of doing the previouslies this season, which is brief glimpses of what happened, filtered through Monday Morning Quarterback interviews. In this case, it's a lot of shock over Jenc's revolt against the judges and her subsequent elimination. The rest of the chefs are surprised that she went home over useless Jamie's need to curb blood loss. Sixteen chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma and guest judge David Chang. The challenge is an old favorite: The mise-en-place relay race. There's a new twist on it this time, which we'll get to in a second. First, the sixteen chefs are broken up into four teams of four. No kickball-style team picking this time; the chefs are simply broken into teams based on who they're standing near:

Angelo/Mike/Tiffany/Fabio
Dalet/Carla/Tiffani/Marcel
Antonia/Jamie/Casey/Dalel
Stephen/Tre/Richard/Spike

Now, to the twist. Instead of working on one ingredient at a time, all four team members must come up with a system of prepping three ingredients simultaneously. Not only that, but once David approves the prep work, the team must make a dish with their prepped ingredients. It is the quality of that dish -- rather than the time it takes to complete the prep work -- that will determine the winner. If that were all there was to it, there would be no incentive to hurry. So, whichever finishes the relay first presses a button that starts a fifteen-minute countdown. Whatever time is left on the clock when the trailing teams finish, that's the amount of time they have to cook. Good challenge design! There won't be any immunity given, but the winning team members get a $5000 chunk of cash. Whoops of joy grander than any ever given for immunity flood forward, especially from Carla. Hootie! Ready? Go!

The ingredients for prep are: Cleaning racks of lamb, peeling (and chopping) five hundred cloves of garlic, and stripping/chopping artichokes. Chef start hacking away at all of the food. Casey, in particular, has laser-like focus on the lamb. Dalel grins in interview about how she's never quite lived down the whole onion business. Fabio uses a large cutting board to crush masses of garlic at once. Smart. Mike's vast experience with Greek food puts him ahead on the lamb. Thanks to those two, it's really no contest after that. The Angelo/Tiffany/Mike/Fabio team easily finishes in the lead, and starts the countdown. The other teams go into a panic. The Stephen/Tre/Richard/Spike team finishes with twelve minutes on the clock. Two minutes later, the Antonia/Jamie/Casey/Dalel team finishes. When the Dalet/Carla/Tiffani/Marcel team finally finishes, there's only eight and a half minutes left. The latter two teams decide to go for lamb carpaccio, because it doesn't need to be cooked. Time winds down.

Padma and David go down the line. Dalet/Carla/Tiffani/Marcel have lamb carpaccio with artichoke chips, and artichoke salad with garlic oil. Stephen/Tre/Richard/Spike have a crispy lamb chop, with raw, crispy, and braised artichokes in a chili aioli. Padma approaches the Antonia/Jamie/Casey/Dalel team with a cheery "Hello, ladies!" Hahaha! That was entirely accidental, and she apologizes to Dalel, but everyone laughs at her gaffe, Dalel included. The team has made lamb carpaccio with crispy capers, garlic, a salad with artichokes, and some Reggiano cheese. The speedy Angelo/Tiffany/Mike/Fabio team has lamb cooked in garlic, with slivers of artichoke and dill salad. The whole thing is topped with a tandoori-spiced yogurt sauce that looks... Well, disgusting. It looks like regurgitated Pepto Bismol.

Results. First in the bottom two is Antonia/Jamie/Casey/Dalel, whose cheese and parsley overwhelmed everything else. Also in the bottom is Angelo/Tiffany/Mike/Fabio, whose thyme and dill overpowered the yogurt. It seems speed isn't prized over quality, in the kitchen as well as other rooms of the house. We know who that leaves in the top. Dalet/Carla/Tiffani/Marcel had a dish that seemed simple, but tasted complex. Stephen/Tre/Richard/Spike had wonderfully bold flavors. The winners of the challenge and the wad of cash is... Stephen/Tre/Richard/Spike. Needless to say, they're pleased as punch.

Elimination Challenge. Padma tells the chefs that they'll be staying in the same groups, but are no longer in teams. Now the cooperation must turn to competition. Each group will dine at a different New York restaurant. Then, the chefs must create a dish worthy of appearing on that restaurant's menu, both in quality and style. Each group will have a top performer that is up for the win, and each group will have a least impressive dish, whose chef will be up for elimination. And because we've still got a crapload of contestants to contend with, tonight will be a double elimination, so bring your A-Game, cakesniffers. Angelo/Tiffany/Mike/Fabio will be cooking at David's restaurant, ma peche (French/Vietnamese fusion). Antonia/Casey/Jamie/Dalel will be at townhouse (High-end American). Stephen/Tre/Richard/Spike will be at Marea (Italian). And that puts Dalet/Carla/Tiffani/Marcel at wd~50 (avant garde/molecular gastronomy).

In order to get a feel for the menus, each of the groups gets to dine at their respective restaurant as guests. Sweet. What follows is footage of each of the four meals, and while all look delicious (to the point that I'm kind of aching for the food even though I'm actively full right now), there's not much to write about. It's telling that people who wound up at restaurants that aren't really their style (Tiffany at French/Vietnamese fusion, Tre at Italian, Carla at avant garde/molecular gastronomy, etc.) are more tense and stressed. That night, the chefs plan their dishes. Dalet read somewhere that Wylie Dufresne (the chef at wd~50) loves him some eggs, and tries to come up with something in that area. Stephen obsesses over clothing.

The next day, the chefs go to their respective restaurants, and have two hours of prep time. I'm not sure if the chefs shopped for ingredients, are using the restaurants' supplies, or what. Cooking ensues. Antonia notes that dinner the night before had a theme of using a simple base, and then spinning off into interesting directions, so instead of doing something wacky, she starts with peas and carrots. Carla nervously works with liquid nitrogen. Time winds down. The judges get seated at Marea first. Joining Padma and Ptom are Anthony Bourdain and Kate Krader, who is the restaurant editor at Food & Wine. Naturally, the chef of each restaurant will also sit in at their own places. At Marea, it's a chef named Michael White. Let's get started!

Tre has grilled swordfish, with two preparations of artichoke, basil oil, and a mushroom panna cotta. Spike has seared branzino, with caponata and a spicy prosciutto vinaigrette. Richard has a crudo of Spanish mackerel, braised veal shank, and a fennel mostarda. Stephen has salmon with figs, a broccoli rapini, and fennel pollen. Tasting. Spike's fish skin is nice and crispy, but the caponata is disappointing. Richard and Tre did a nice job, but Stephen's fennel pollen is way too aggressive. Kate compliments the job everyone did, punctuating everything with a slight lisp.

LabRat: "She'll be a good character for Rachel Dratch in thirty years."

Off to ma peche. By the way, I've totally written down all of these restaurant names for the next time LabRat and I are in New York. I guess I'd better start squirreling those pennies away. Fabio has made roasted lamb, with hoisin plum barbecue sauce, a corn tomato salad, and lemongrass chevre ricotta. That's certainly fusiony. Tiffany has a crudo of summer flounder, with pickled radish and a peach puree. Mike has lightly cured, warm sockeye salmon, with eggplant, marinated tomatoes, and pickled peach. Angelo's got tumeric-marinated fish, with dill, cilantro, salmon roe, chorizo, and for an unexpected kick, white chocolate. Hmm. I don't know about that, although anything with salmon roe in it gets ten points added automatically. Tasting. Angelo gets great reviews on taste, and David approves of the style. Mike's is popular as well, but Fabio's is overly heavy and misses the style mark. Tiffany's is fine, but undistinctive.

townhouse. The chef here is David Burke. Dalel kicks off the service with roasted veal loin, with peanuts, popcorn, French toast, corn, and thyme caramel. Interesting. I don't know if that's a good "interesting" or a bad "interesting". Antonia has pea puree with carrot butter (DRINK!) and seared scallop with pickled carrot. Casey has seared halibut, shaped to look like a scallop, resting on tapioca "caviar", and a ginger-carrot emulsion. Jamie's dish is almost shockingly simple; she's made a smoked tomato and bacon soup, with an heirloom tomato salad. Yes, that is the quick lunch you pick up at Panera on your half hour lunch break. Good observation! Tasting. David finds Jamie's soup blah, both in flavor and style. Dalel's dish is a plate of sweet food with a piece of veal plopped on it. Casey's dish was smart and tasty. Antonia's is fairly salty, but would fit nicely on the menu.

Interstitial. Marcel finds it ironic to be working at wd~50, because... Well, you know.

wd~50. Wylie greets the rest of the judges, and everyone settles in. Dalet has done a spin on breakfast. He has a sunny-side-up egg dumpling, with braised pork belly, and milk ramen with bacon, beef, and pork. Tiffani has made vacuum-packed melon, with powdered ham and Taleggio. Well, she's certainly going for style points. Carla has tried to marry molecular gastronomy with her own comfort food background. She's got "grits" (aka shrimp-infused corn), with poached shrimp and okra chips on top. Marcel has made Vadouvan lamb, with tzatziki, pickled red onion and "anti" flatbread. That's flatbread that's been poofed up by air. So it's essentially...bread. Tasting. Tiffani's melon falls flat. Dalet's breakfast bowl is fantastic. Carla did a nice job, though her technique was a bit safe. Marcel's dish was timid, and the food was fairly bland.

Fret 'n sweat. Carla gleefully tells the other chefs about how she was gettin' down and using the circulator. Everyone cackles in delight. Padma enters, and summons Dalet, Angelo, Antonia, and Tre to Judges' Table. That's three Elimination Challenges in a row that Angelo has come out on top. That'd be impressive in a regular season, never mind All-Stars. Padma tells the top four that the individual winner will get a six-day trip to New Zealand. Nice! All of them are roundly complimented before Kate announces the big winner. Dalet. Yeah, I've got to say, that egg dumpling with the meat and the broth looked really good. The winning chefs are dismissed. Dalet's win is applauded back in the Kitchen, before he delivers the news that the judges would like to see Stephen, Fabio, Dalel, and Tiffani. As they go out, Dalet advises them to fight hard. "Fight hard, but not too hard," Carla amends. "Don't pull a Jenc!" adds what sounds like Antonia. Hehe.

The losing chefs trudge out to face the music. Fabio didn't have a good background in the restaurant's style, and as such, wound up attempting way too much. Stephen guesses that he put too many little components on the plate, and he's right. His dish came off tasting like a Bath & Body Works shop. Tiffani got seduced into throwing herself into weird techniques, rather than flavor. Dalel's plate made no sense. Deliberations. Dalel's plate was way too sweet. Stephen's fish was fine, but nothing else worked. Fabio used Asian ingredients, but he didn't use them well. Tiffani put a bad spin on Wylie's type of food. The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. Or eliminations, rather. The same criticisms are rehashed before the Padma announces the first elimination, which is a gimme: Stephen. We're not sure who the other one is going to be. Dalel. Please pack your knives, and go. Aw, damn. Frankly, although he's delightful and charming and fun, I feel like Fabio has kind of reached the limit of his talents. He's great at pasta, but not much else. In his final interview, Dalel admits that he's a little embarrassed. He's never been eliminated before; he just didn't win in the finals. Stephen seems kind of relieved to go, saying that he's more of a front-of-house guy now, and was up against a bunch of fiercely talented competitors. Well, that's nice. He probably wouldn't have been included had some other chefs agreed to take part this season, but he carried himself well in this go-round. Hilariously, when Stephen announces his elimination, there's dead silence, and when Dalel announces his, there are gasps of horror. We end on Dalel saying that he's enjoyed the experience again, and is more than willing to come back from Top Chef 16 - Seniors. Haha! So many contestants take everything uber-seriously; we need more funny guys like him in this joint.

Overall Grade: B

Tiger Beat

Top Chef - Season 8, Episode 2

Previously on Top Chef: Look at all the stars! Look at them try to redeem the dish that got them sent home! Look at Angelo take the win! Look at Elia be annoying! Look at her go home in last place! Seventeen chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Richard bemoans his disqualification from the win, while Fabio recounts getting into it with Bourdain at Judges' Table. Like I said last week, I hope one of the chefs takes the judges to task every single week. It would be magical!

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma and one of the Jonas Brothers. Yeah. I'm in my thirties, and the only significant youngster in my life is a four-year-old male. The only thing the Jonas Brothers mean to me is that they waste valuable real estate in Entertainment Weekly that I flip past in boredom. Them and Twilight. Oh, and I know that one Jonas is super fugly, but it's not this one. A lot of the chefs are as disinterested as I am, though Antonia's daughter is right in the target age group that will spend a few minutes in the year 2030 looking back at having a massive crush on stars like these with regret.

Today's challenge is to create a midnight snack for 150 kids that will be spending the night at the American Museum of Natural History. Well, I don't know about the challenge, but hot damn, would I have loved to do that as a kid. This Jonas (Joe, it turns out) will be a surprise guest at the event, and gets to select the winning snack. He explains that there won't be utensils or plates, so the snacks will have to be appropriate to be carted around in paper bags. He kids that the chefs have thirty seconds to throw everything together, and for a split second, they believe him. Heh. They actually have forty-five minutes. Ready? Go!

The chefs spring into prep. Dalel worries about how picky kids can be, and just plans on getting them hopped up on sweets. Speaking of sweets, Dalet has the bin of sugar set out on his station, which causes other chefs angst for whatever reason. It's not like he's hoarding it. And speaking of children, Tiffani recalls the challenge in which I hated her the most, and thankfully, admits what a huge asshole she was. It seems she's working as hard on improving her attitude about cooking for kids as she is on improving the food. This is a Tiffani I can get behind. A whirl of final prep -- replete with cursing streaks -- brings us to the end of the challenge.

Joe and Padma go down the line. Antonia has made a white chocolate/cherry muffin with allspice and cinnamon. Richard has microwave-baked white bread, with spiced apples, whipped honey, and crunchy chocolate. I don't really see how it can be eaten without utensils, but it sounds tasty. Spike has made potato and carrot chips, with mascarpone and marshmallow dip on the side. Tre's got a cracker with cranberry and cherry jam, and some apple smoked bacon. I love how the editors keep giving us interceding shots of the other chefs looking tense. A realer sense of what goes on during the judging slips in, as we see Jenc grinning and shooting the shit with other chefs in the background as they wait their turns.

Casey has made a chocolate and bacon lasagna, with a sprinkling of candy on top, and some apple juice on the side. Dalel admits up front that his snack is a blatant attempt to get the kids jacked up on sugar. He's made Sweet Tart nuggets with "caveman boulders" (chocolate, graham crackers, Whoppers), and chocolate sauce. He says his snack will lead to a ten-year-old rave. Ha! Antonia cracks up, while Dalet breaks out some dance moves. Jamie has made mini cheddar biscuits, with cinnamon apple sauce on the side. Tiffany has made coconut rice pudding, with grapefruit sauce on the side. DRINK! Dalet has a corn cake with dried cherries and whipped maple topping.

Fabio has dipped apples, some in white chocolate/caramel/blueberry, and some in dark chocolate, marshmallow, and candied ginger. Yes, please! Tiffani's got a Rice Krispie treat snowball, with malted milk and graham crackers. Angelo's made fried dough, with white pepper, Old Bay spice, and cheddar crumbles. I am enormously curious to try that. Stephen has got a snickerdoodle sandwich, with white chocolate, coconut ganache, apricot, and mint. DRINK! Jenc has bacon ginger taffy, with honey grilled peaches. Sounds good. Jenc laughs that if the kids don't like it, they can always whip the taffy at each other, a la snotballs. Heh. Mike has chocolate coconut corn bars, with a coconut horchata chaser. No "DRINK!" here, because this is not something that sounds tasty, but has been ruined by coconut. This sounds disgusting from top to bottom.

Results. First in the bottom three is Tiffany, whose snack was messy. Mike's chocolate flavor wasn't strong enough. Stephen's cookie was fine, but the flavors in the middle (especially the mint) wasn't strong enough. Hmm... Tiffany, Mike, and Stephen. Why, it's all the people who used coconut! Joe Jonas' stock is suddenly rising! Now, for the good news. There are two favorites instead of the usual three. Spike and Tiffani both made impressive snacks. In fact, no winner is announced right now. Padma tells the chefs that the kids will decide which snack reigns supreme. In order to get enough portions put together, Spike and Tiffani will lead teams composed of all the other chefs.

Tiffani's team is: Tiffani, Tiffany, Jamie, Antonia, Casey, Jenc, Dalel, and Tre. Spike's team winds up being: Dalet, Angelo, Marcel, Carla, Richard, Stephen, and Mike. Fabio is the last one standing, and gets to choose which team he'll join. He picks Spike's, interviewing that he doesn't care a whit that he didn't get chosen. He doesn't sell it. Dalel is pleased with the way the teams have shaken out, saying his team is like the Spice Girls and their bodyguard, and the other team is the so-called "cool guys" and "their babysitter, Carla". Hahaha! I'd forgotten how hilarious Dalel is. Prep proceeds without incident.

After all the food is separated into red and blue bags, the chefs head off to the museum. Once they're set up, a wave of children invades. They grab a bag of each snack and start chowing down. The chefs do their best to talk up their respective dishes. As promised, the kids get high on sugar, and start to have ballistic fits all over the floor. They're so jacked up, Joe Jonas' arrival doesn't cause a big uptick in enthusiasm. He leads a voice vote to see which snack wins the Quickfire, and Tiffani's easily bags it. So, she has immunity and an advantage in the upcoming Elimination Challenge. The tide of children sweeps out, but before the chefs can escape back home to get a good night's sleep, Ptom enters, and tells them that said Elimination Challenge begins this very instant.

The challenge will be to make breakfast for the kids and their parents, to be served at 7:30 AM. It's 1:30 AM right now. Ouch. The chefs will stay in the same teams, and will be creating meals in the spirit of two of the dinosaurs whose bones are looming over them right now: Brontosaurus and Tyrannosaurus Rex. The T-Rex team will be cooking with meat and meat byproducts only, while the Brontosaurus team will only have access to fruits, vegetables, and grains. Tiffani gets to choose which dino her team will represent, and she goes for T-Rex. The chefs can grab a little sleep (very little -- only forty-five minutes) in the Hall of North American Mammals before getting started on food prep. Of course, before they can even do that, they have to plan their menus.

Both teams break down into mini-teams to tackle the individual dishes they'd like to make, although they have no idea what ingredients they'll be working with. That dispensed with, the chefs turn in for their nap, although some eschew sleep altogether to have fun with this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to traipse around a famous museum in their pajamas. That would certainly be tempting. It's unlikely they'll ever find themselves in such a From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler situation again.

At 4:00 AM, the awakened chefs are turned loose on the museum kitchen. Tiffani discovers that the carnivore she has chosen to represent is just that. Carnivore, not omnivore. So, her team has no access to the lemons or limes they want to use for acid, nor flour, nor herbs. Curiously, there's no sausage for them to use, either, which you'd think would be a pretty standard component of a meat-based challenge. Prep begins. Three seconds in, Jamie slices her thumb open. The show's medic tells her she needs stitches, so she heads off to the hospital. In real life, a teammate felled by injury would be cause for concern. These, however, are chefs. And not only chefs, but reality show chefs. Your thumb had better be hanging by a tiny strand of shredded skin, swinging back and forth on your mangled ligament before you go looking for sympathy. Once Jamie's gone, the others rush to interview about how much more badass they are, and how they wouldn't let a stupid thing like gushing blood stop them from getting through the prep.

Tim: "That's nothing. I cooked through the entire duration of my circumcision".

Nobody gives Jamie a second thought once she walks out the door. Casey works on a salmon that Tre will create a sauce for. Fabio makes gnocchi. Jenc works on a pork dish that Casey interviews tastes like "wet bacon". Spew. Antonia and Tiffany have oven issues. Time winds down, and the chefs head outside to get their stations set up. Marcel snipes in interview about Angelo cutting the plums for their dish. He tries to sell this as some evil plan Angelo is weaving to discredit Marcel's food, and perhaps, in some alternate universe, we could buy that... If this weren't a shared dish amongst Angelo, Marcel, and Richard. It's kind of hard to take another guy down when it's your own food up for discussion. Jamie returns with two stitches in her thumb. The other chefs commence Round 2 of "Here's How Much Awesomer I Am Than You At Withstanding Pain".

Time runs out, and once again, the chefs are inundated with children. Antonia frets about T-Rex, because the kids don't seem interested in the frittatas she and Tiffany made. Carla frets about Brontosaurus, because the kids seem naturally more drawn to a team that's offering bacon. The judges arrive. Joining Padma, Gail, and Ptom will be the KatieBot. Oh, I guess someone finally remembered to plug her in and recharge her battery. The judges stop by Brontosaurus first. Dalet and Mike have corn grits with salsa verde. Marcel/Richard/Angelo have a banana parfait with a bunch of other seasonal fruits and tandoori maple sauce. Carla and Spike have a fruit and vegetable gazpacho. Fabio and Stephen made potato gnocchi with leeks, mushrooms, and spinach. A lot of these don't really sound breakfasty, but I get that they were kind of painted into a corner, here. Tasting. Fabio's gnocchi gets good reviews, as does the parfait. The others strike the diners as kind of so-so, though nobody has any real out-and-out complaints.

T-Rex. Antonia and Tiffany have a trio of frittatas (bacon/cheddar, ham/cheese, and chevre). Casey's salmon is topped with Tre's sauce of shrimp and apple smoked bacon. Jenc has braised bacon and topped it with hard boiled egg. Jamie stands around like a bump on a pickle. Tiffani has tenderloin with cheesy eggs that is paired with Dalel's paprika and creme fraiche Hollandaise. Tasting. Jenc's bacon is a big disappointment. Casey's salmon is well-cooked, but Tre sauce is exceptionally salty. Tre realizes that the constantly reducing sauce is causing this issue, but shrugs it off, saying he'd rather it be too salty than bland. The frittatas are unevenly cooked. Dalel and Tiffani's steak and eggs is the only dish to get universally positive feedback.

Interstitial. Fabio charms the crowd.

Fret 'n sweat. Tiffani makes the incredibly apt point to the other chefs that to her, being given a blind choice between two menu restrictions isn't much of an "advantage" for winning the Quickfire. It's true. While Ptom did tell everyone about the types of foods they'd have access to, nobody knew what ingredients they'd be working with, so Tiffani had no real leg up on anybody else. It's not the worst thing to befall someone who supposedly had an "advantage", but it merits mention. Padma comes back to the Kitchen, and summons Team Brontosaurus to the table. Once they've left, Team T-Rex starts to gripe. Assuming that Team Brontosaurus is the winning group, Dalel wonders how that can be, because he thinks their dish concepts were so bizarre for kids and their parents. Jenc responds that while they're here, everyone has to cook strictly for the judges, and leave the supposed "target audience" completely out of the equation. Dalel thinks that's selfish, and Jenc shrugs and wonders aloud if Dalel would rather win or please a crowd of people that he'll never see again. It'd be interesting to hear an answer (and in fact, a full discussion on the matter), but we immediately teleport over to...

Judges' Table. Team Brontosaurus is informed that they are, indeed, the winning team. Both the gnocchi dish and the banana parfait are roundly complimented before KatieBot is given the honor of announcing the individual winner. Well, not so individual after all: OUR. FAVORITE. DISH. TODAY. REALLY. HAD. SUCH. NICE. FLAVORS. AND. THE. WINNING. DISH. IS... THE. BANANA. PARFAIT. So, Marcel, Angelo, and Richard all share the win, which means two in a row for Angelo amongst some very stiff competition. Impressive. Marcel blahs something about how if there were an individual winner, it would have been him. Yes, you're the rapscallion of the season. We get it now. Padma dismisses the chefs, and asks to see team T-Rex.

The winners get tepid applause before team T-Rex goes out to face the music. Not the Odd Asian Music, though. He and Gong apparently have the night off. Tiffani starts right in on the judges, explaining straightforwardly and without malice how her "advantage" was anything but. Ding, ding, ding! Continued backtalk to the judges is like an extra little Hanukkah present, just for me. All Ptom can find to say is that he explained to them beforehand that their ingredients would be limited. Right, but both team's ingredients were limited, so Tiffani's point that choosing between two disadvantages is not really an advantage is still valid. Would you consider it an advantage if I told you that tomorrow, you'll either be stoned to death by pickles or suffocated in a vat of mayonnaise, but I'll give you the option of choosing which you'd prefer?

Now, to the food. It's the same problems we heard about earlier. Uneven frittatas. Spicy salmon sauce. Jenc shifts back and forth on her feet, and glares at the judges with a hugely pissed off expression. Padma notes this, and asks why. And Hanukkah continues, as Jenc unloads. She says she doesn't think the T-Rex team deserves to be in the bottom. Gail tries the old trap of asking if Jenc tasted the other team's food, but this ain't Jenc's first rodeo. She said she tasted every single bite of Team Brontosaurus' dishes, and when asked if she still didn't like it, makes a condescending clicking noise of agreement. Tiffani brings up that the Brontosaurus dishes didn't really strike her as breakfast, and KatieBot says that it bespoke a creativity that T-Rex was lacking. Sorry: THAT. T-REX. WAS. LACKING.

Ptom asks why the food wasn't plated individually, and I've got to say, if the judges feel that's a problem worthy of bringing up at Judges' Table for us all to hear about, I'm totally behind Jenc and her righteous fury. "You guys are the judges. You guys are smart enough. Why don't you say 'Hey, can I get a different plate for this?" she spits back. SWEEEEEEEEEEET. In a normal season, I wouldn't find this kind of attitude charming, preferring people to take responsibility for their mistakes. But after seven seasons of gentle deference, it is massively entertaining to see the judges taken down a peg or two. Ptom has no idea what to do with himself, haughtily stating that if the judges should be smart enough to request separate plates, so should a member of the team. Well, that wasn't her point at all, but we have some lovely parting gifts for you.

Jamie's absence from the challenge is discussed, so Antonia pops up for Round 3 of "Here's How Much Awesomer I Am Than You At Withstanding Pain". Jenc's pork dish is criticized, and she continues fighting with the judges, saying that there's no way her bacon and eggs were underseasoned. Given what Casey and the diners said about it earlier, I'd say she's most likely wrong about that. The chefs are dismissed. Christ, I feel like I should smoke a cigarette after that performance. Once the chefs are back in the Kitchen, Fabio asks how it went. "I think I yelled at the judges more than they yelled at us," Jenc says, and without missing a beat, Jamie adds "Yeah, it was pretty good!" Hahaha!

Deliberations. Ptom does his best to convince us that the judges will only consider food, and don't mind Jenc's backtalk at all. I...do not agree. Sure, if she said something like "Well, I think the pork was seasoned perfectly, so we're going to have to disagree on that," that'd be one thing, but she basically called him a moron, and well... As Bravo says, watch what happens. Tiffani and Dale had the best dish of this group. Everyone else is up for the chop, even Jamie and her lack of participation. The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. Once Tiffani and Dale are dismissed, reiterations of the same complaints we've already heard are leveled at the rest of team T-Rex, although Casey seems pretty blameless in this situation. So, who's next off the island of misfit chefs? Jenc. Please pack your knives and go. Needless to say, she does not agree with this decision. She spends her final interview explaining that there was nothing wrong with her dish, and exits the Kitchen in a hail of screaming and cursing. What caused the axe to fall? Food or 'tude? In any event, Jenc, you made this an episode to remember, and for that, you are truly an All-Star.

Overall Grade: A

Baggage Handlers

Top Chef - Season 8, Episode 1

And...cue the crazy circus music. In an apparent quest to be on television year-round, a new season of Top Chef is already upon us. Ever heard of the phrase "Absence makes the heart grow fonder," Bravo? How can I miss you if you won't go away? Though I love Top Chef, I'm approaching this new season with a certain amount of trepidation, for a few reasons. As I mentioned, there's the fact that we've reached a point where there's barely a week of breathing room between seasons, and it's tough to work up excitement for something that's become so constant.

Secondly, Top Chef seems to have hit its peak, and has begun to coast. Naturally, that's just my opinion, and I'm more than willing to be proven wrong. And besides, it isn't the show's fault, necessarily. It happens to all reality shows. The format becomes stale. In an attempt to remain fresh, the challenges get stranger and less connected to anything that tests real-world skills. And each time around, the producers try to top the previous cast, so the contestants become even more zany/crazy/angry/stupid/delusional/whatever, and start to resemble a mental ward, rather than real people with real lives and real jobs. Chart The Amazing Race's contestants over time if you'd like to see this in action. Or hell, just look at Seth.

And finally, to admit another personal bias, I distrust All-Star seasons in general. Every one I've seen has been monumentally disappointing, and while there's always the chance you'll wind up mellowing on someone you used to hate, it's far more likely that you'll sour on someone you used to like. That's always sad.

All that said, it's still grand fun to go to the Top Chef viewing party, even with an annoying head cold that prevents the usual influx of wine. So, LabRat and I headed on over for a fun evening with friends, and I resolved to place the quality of the All-Star season low on my priority list. Imagine my surprise when this premiere episode not only didn't annoy me, but turned out to be immensely enjoyable. Who woulda thunk it? So, while I don't think I'll be able to give the episodes the full recap treatment, let's at least delve into the highlights. First things first, of course. We have to reacquaint ourselves with the returning chefs, and the impressions they last left us with:

Tiffani - Season 1: The aggressive villain of Season 1, I waffled back and forth on her, even at the time. There were times that I actively liked her. There were times that I actively hated her. There's no doubt she often grated on my nerves, but even with her often snide attitude, I always respected her talent. When Season 2 came along and wound up being nothing but jerks with snide attitudes, Tiffani climbed even higher in my estimation.

Stephen - Season 1: The passive-aggressive villain of Season 1, I didn't waffle nearly as much on him. He was a condescending jackass. So much so that he became the inspiration for the smarmerview. While he had strong talents in wine selection, service, and pissing people off, he's one of two chefs this season that I frankly don't believe deserve inclusion. His food was never anything to write home about.

Elia - Season 2: No better example of how someone can start off being a favorite and slide to someone you'd cheerfully elbow in the jaw can be found on reality television. She spots the next competitor on our list and "hopes he matured". Yeah. Because you were such a paragon of adulthood. Nice to see you've learned absolutely nothing in the time since your shitty season.

Marcel - Season 2: Now, here's where it gets tricky. Everyone hated Marcel. Everyone. All of the other contestants. Contestants from other seasons. The rest of the viewing party. And while I agreed with all of their complaints -- he's an asshole, he's self-satisfied, he has a stupid, hipster haircut -- I offer this small defense: There is no faster way to get me to defend someone than when the people attacking him are as bad or worse. Marcel was a total jerk. But he wasn't nearly as jerky as the goons, witches, and childish twats that tormented him. It remains to be seen if this defense can survive when Marcel is surrounded not by shit-starters and false accusations, but by actual talented chefs who conduct themselves like adults. Perhaps I'll join the haters club, after all.

Tre - Season 3: A talented competitor who managed to show confidence without being arrogant about it. He could certainly teach Kenny a lesson or two in how to comport oneself. Tre was eliminated earliest of all the All-Stars, falling victim to Restaurant Wars, which often cuts unexpected people for off-kilter reasons. I'm looking forward to seeing how he uses this second opportunity.

Dale L. - Season 3: An adorable guy who I really liked during his season, though he seemed to stumble into the finals. Once there, he made some standout dishes, but couldn't compete with Hung's technical skills. While others excelled at high-end cuisine, Dale knew how to elevate comfort food without losing the comfort.

Casey - Season 3: Here's a good example of people who need to be included in the All-Stars. Personable, talented chefs who quite simply shot themselves in the foot on one challenge. There are several of them sprinkled throughout the cast, and Casey was one of the best. We were convinced she was going to be the first female winner up until that fateful foot-shooting. Let's hope that even if her food hasn't changed, her ability to defend it has.

Richard - Season 4: Another foot-shooter. Richard dominated most of the season, winning challenge after challenge. His molecular gastronomy delighted judges and diners alike, but he choked in the finals, paving the way for Stephanie's win. He was a good egg the whole way, and I'm glad to see him back, though he looks like he's lost an alarming amount of weight.

Spike - Season 4: Welcome to the second of the two chefs who did not deserve to be asked back. What makes Spike an All-Star? The fact that he concentrated way more on game tactics than food? The fact that he appeared at Losers' Table in more than half of the episodes he competed in? The fact that he went out by mouthing off to the guest judge? Oh, it's probably that last one. He's total cannon fodder.

Antonia - Season 4: From the discussions I've had with other Top Chef fans, and from what I've read on the web, I seem to be the only one who's excited to have Antonia back. I loved her. I cheered madly when she won challenges, defended her against her detractors, and was thrown into a funk by her elimination. You've got at least one fan out here, girl! Go kick some ass!

Dale T. - Season 4: Even with Spike and Lisa around to serve as the jerkweeds of Season 4, this walking PSA about anger management managed to out-douche them both. Unpleasant even at the best of times, he was a gigantic tool from premiere to elimination. He didn't even deserve said elimination, but I rejoiced anyway, thrilled to be free of his terrible attitude and laughable belief in his own street cred.

Jamie - Season 5: The only member of Team Rainbow to survive for any appreciable amount of time, our viewing party likes to giggle about Jamie, both for her overconfidence (leading to inevitable disappointment) and for her dependence on scallops. We immediately devise a drinking game rule about taking a sip when she uses her little bivalve friends. Jamie didn't make a huge impression on me (either good or bad) her first time around, so in a sense, she's got the freshest start.

Fabio - Season 5: The Italian charmer was a big hit with all the ladies (and gentlemen who enjoy other gentlemen) at our viewing party, even if we could only understand every third word he said. He excelled at pasta, but I honestly don't remember much else about his food. He's really more memorable as a personality than a chef.

Carla - Season 5: Hootie! Definitely in the running as my favorite Top Chef contestant of all time. Kind, genuine, loveable, and talented, Carla is the only person on God's green Earth that I can hear "I put love into my food," from and believe it. She's another finale foot-shooter, and I dearly hope she puts on another strong showing.

Jenc - Season 6: Oof, I hadn't realized how distractingly alike she and Casey look. I enjoyed Jenc's ruthless efficiency, and had no problem with her status as one of Season 6's Golden Children. She was effortlessly competent towards the beginning of the season, but unfortunately, began to unravel with each passing challenge. Can she stay in it for the long haul this time?

Mike - Season 6: Clearly cast as the bad boy of his season, he stepped up to the plate by haranguing the well-intentioned old lady with cancer. Though there wasn't much to recommend him, attitude-wise, he did show an impressive range of cooking styles. Vegetarian food was not among them.

Angelo - Season 7: The serious chef who talked way too much about his heart and soul (as he does even now in his intro), he dominated a good portion of his season. Too bad it was the most boring season to date. He was felled by sickness in the finale, though it's unclear how much that factored into his loss.

Tiffany - Season 7: If some chefs are included because they shot themselves in the foot, Tiffany stands as an example of a chef who did nothing wrong, but lost on the details. She didn't stand out at the beginning of the season, but blossomed into a powerful competitor, and a highly entertaining one to boot. Would that she could have won, though any of the final five would have been better than Kevin.

All the chefs size each other up, and it's refreshing to hear so many of them say that they've got some stiff competition on their hands, rather than all of that "I'm gonna win every challenge!" bullshit we're usually treated to in the first episode. This season returns to the welcoming reality show bosom of New York City, and the chefs head to the Kitchen to meet Ptom and Padma and get started.

Quickfire Challenge. Padma explains that over the course of the season, $500,000 worth of cash and prizes will be handed out, with $200,000 of that going to the winner. First, there's the little niggling problem of having to beat seventeen other people. So, let's get to it. In the first Quickfire, the chefs will split into teams broken down by season, and they'll have to make a dish representative of the city in which the season was filmed. The entire winning team gets immunity, and Quickfire is even quicker than usual - only twenty-five minutes of prep. Ready? Go!

The Season 4 chefs have the most members, but after a lot of cross-talking, they settle on a Chicago-style hot dog. Angelo and Tiffany aim for Maryland-style crab spice and rockfish. The Season 5 folks decide to do a trio of apple dishes. Jamie is pleased with this idea, because she can focus on her own food, and the less she actually has to work with other people, the better. After all, as she says, she's a stronger chef than the other two. Yeah, so much stronger that they both pounded your ass into the ground during your actual season. She does realize that she's on tape, yes? The Season 3 chefs work on pork a la Miami. Lots of tropical fruit is involved. Elia and Marcel work on fish tacos with an apple wrapper to represent Los Angeles. Meh.

Stephen and Tiffani are making a cioppino (seafood stew) to represent San Francisco. I fucking love cioppino, but is it doable in under half an hour? Also, I should report that Stephen is wearing a suit and tie under his chef's coat. Jenc and Mike believe they can represent Las Vegas with Italian food. I guess Vegas can be represented by just about any food, but I wouldn't have picked Italian. With only a few minutes left, Angelo interviews that in the chaos, Stephen jostled him and caused him to drop all the rockfish on the floor. He hurriedly tries to get more cooked in time. Tre is having issues getting the pork done. Time runs out.

Ptom and Padma go down the line. Tiffani/Stephen have made a cioppino gazpacho with sourdough bread. Does that mean their cioppino is cold? I don't think I cotton to that. Elia/Marcel have shrimp "tacos" (which are really more like open-faced sandwiches) on guacamole in an apple wrapper. Tre/Dalel (Dale L)/Casey have done pork tenderloin on an avocado/lime puree, with tostones and mango/habanero sauce. Sounds good. Dalet (Dale T)/Richard/Spike/Antonia have made a deconstructed Chicago dog with pork and black pepper sausage, red bacon, and Richard's liquid-nitrogen-based mustard ice cream. Carla/Fabio/Jamie have their apple trio: Curried apple soup with gingered almonds, pasta with caramelized apple, and rib eye with apple slaw. Jenc/Mike have made bucatini with a bacon lobster carbonara. Well, I don't know how representative of Vegas it is, but it sure looks good. Tiffany/Angelo have managed to get some rockfish on the plate. It's surrounded by crab cake "essence" (which really just means they threw a shitton of Old Bay seasoning in), lemongrass, and jalapeno.

Results. Kicking off the bottom is Marcel/Elia, whose apple wrapper was too thin, and whose shrimp was bland. Next is Tiffani/Stephen, who had way too much raw garlic. Carla/Fabio/Jamie didn't have a cohesive dish, and only Jamie's soup was a real standout. Naturally, Jamie is pleased as punch to hear that. The stew that Tiffany/Angelo put out had a tiny bit too much salt. That leaves the other teams in the top. Tre/Dalel/Casey represented Miami well, and the pork had great flavors. Dalet/Richard/Spike/Antonia had an inventive plate. Jenc/Mike had outstanding pasta. The winning team with its precious immunity is... Dalet/Richard/Spike/Antonia. They exchange hugs and kisses while Mike sucks a lemon.

Elimination Challenge. The idea for this challenge is what really sealed this episode as a winner, so hats off to whoever came up with it. Servers enter, and place a cloche in front of each chef. They pull the lids off to reveal... Ingredients. But not just any ingredients! They are the ingredients to the dish that got each chef sent home. This evening's challenge will be to make the dish that caused an elimination, but to make it a success this time. The chefs are fortunately allowed a little creative interpretation, so they're not forced to remain true to every awful detail. They'll have three hours of prep now, and two hours on-site. The challenge's winner will not only have a warm feeling of correcting a past mistake, but they'll have $10,000 to go along with it. Oh, and Anthony Bourdain will be joining the Judges' Table regularly, so prepare yourselves for some acid. Either the criticism kind or the drug kind will do.

Prep time starts. A couple of chefs immediately set off on similar paths, which is to hide the worst thing about the original dish. Spike will mask his hideous frozen scallops with other ingredients, while Dalet will scale way back on that butterscotch, which he admits was a terrible idea in the first place. A couple of other chefs are not off to such promising starts, because they never saw anything wrong with their original creations. Fabio enjoyed his pasta with crawfish and crab stew, while Elia saw no issue with her red snapper steamed in ti leaves. She pledges to modify the dish as little as possible. Sure, why not cleave to the preparation that sent you packing? Sounds like a fine plan.

Stephen has a unique problem, in that he got kicked off for dicking around in the dining room instead of cooking, so he doesn't really have any experience with the three appetizer dishes he's tasked with making. Jamie got chopped for making Eric Ripert's black bass with braised celery that she hated then and hates now.

LabRat: "If I had been on this show, returning or not, I would have made it my mission to know the dish that sent me home backwards and forwards."

Angelo plugs away on his Singaporean noodles. Mike bemoans his ingredient limitations, because have I mentioned he's not great with vegetarian fare? Jenc vows not to overseason her dish. Carla took a lot of suggestions from Casey (who served as her finale sous chef) at the time, and while she doesn't lay any blame for her loss at Casey's feet, she's sticking to her own ideas this time around. The first chunk of prep time runs out.

Interstitial. Elia recounts the head-shaving incident. Sure, why wouldn't we want to relive the worst part of the worst season?

When the chefs arrive on-site to do their final two hours of prep, Ptom splits them into two groups of nine. The nine who aren't cooking will be eating in the dining room with the judges. Everyone is naturally jazzed to have the opportunity to size up each other's food. Group 2 tags out after Ptom, and Group 1 (Stephen, Elia, Richard, Dalet, Tiffany, Tiffani, Tre, Fabio, and Angelo) gets to cooking. Stephen seems way more pressed for time than the others, as he has to make a trio of dishes. Tiffani does her best to help him get plated in time, but it's a losing battle. Richard doesn't let petty little things like time limits get in his way, and continues plating his food well after the buzzer sounds. The other chefs are not pleased to witness this. The dishes go out to the dining room, and Gail says that this will be a trip down memory lane for better or for worse. "Hopefullyforbeeeetter," Padma singsongs. "I'm hoping better." Then she points to a plate. "I remember that dish!"

Viewing Party Tiffany: "She's already drunk."

There sure are a lot of Tiffanys (Tiffanies?) running around. What Group 2 doesn't realize is that a television has been brought into the kitchen, so Group 1 can witness what everyone is saying about their food. Elia chooses not to watch, because she can't bear to hear any criticism. She really hasn't changed a whit. The diners find a big ol' fish scale in her dish. Richard, Dalet, and Angelo get glowing reviews. Tre, Tiffany, and Tiffani's don't rank as highly, but they don't make out too badly. Stephen, on the other hand, did not do well. The diners find it swampy, muddled, and unappealing. Antonia offers some gentle criticism of Fabio's plate, but Bourdain isn't having any of that. "I hated the whole dish. I keep tasting it. I keep poking it. Just to make sure I actually hate it as much as I think I do. I really, really, really hate it." Ouch. Elia's doesn't fare much better. Dalel rips it to shreds, to the point that Antonia mutters to herself about how harsh he's being.

Time for the groups to switch places. Of course, these new diners know full well that they're being watched. Nothing noteworthy happens during Group 2's cooking prep. Group 1 gets seated in the dining room. Ptom sloshes his wine all over the table. Fabio tells Bourdain that the final tally of times he said he hated Fabio's food rounded out at eleven. Tiffani tries to cut the tension with a very apt comparison to an awkward Thanksgiving dinner, but Fabio isn't interested in making Bourdain comfortable. Time runs out in the kitchen, and the dishes are sent out. The television is brought in for Group 2, so now they know that Group 1 heard everything they said. Antonia braces herself for the onslaught of criticism.

The diners dig in. Antonia needn't have worried too much, because Richard and Tre love her sausage with cilantro, and roasted cherry blossoms with pea puree (DRINK!). Tiffany is not as big a fan. Spike's plan to hide the scallops doesn't fool anybody, but he pulled it off masterfully. Jamie and Mike skate by with good reviews, but Dalel's dumpling was not executed well. Carla did fine, though Angelo got a nasty bite of nerve ending in his steak. Gail heartily endorses Casey's pork belly, saying she really redeemed herself. Marcel's dish has uni (sea urchin) with a dot of caviar (or olive) on top, giving it the unfortunate effect of being a bowl of eyeballs staring up at you:

Tre hates the overpowering vanilla, and Fabio allows that it takes balls to put a dish like this out. Back in the kitchen, Marcel doesn't take this as anything but a grand compliment, which it may not have been. Jenc's duck is mildly disappointing. That's it for dinner, so it's time to find out who gets the dubious distinction of First One Out. The chefs trudge back to the fret 'n sweat, and begin the traditional process of dissecting everything about the challenge. Padma walks in, and summons Spike, Jamie, Richard, and Angelo to Judges' Table. The other chefs applaud mildly. Once the top four are out in the dining room, Ptom addresses Richard, saying that they want to acknowledge that he made a great dish, but his work after time ran out has disqualified him from the win. He was so focused on his work that he didn't even realize he had done it. What's done is done, though, and he's sent back to the Kitchen.

That leaves Spike, Jamie, and Angelo in the top three. Jamie's fish had a nice, crispy skin, and the celery turned out well. She admits that even with this triumph, she has absolutely no plans to serve this dish in future. Heh. Angelo made the wise decision to leave the watermelon tea off his plate this time. Spike successfully managed to hide the inferior flavor of his main component. The winner of the challenge, and the $10,000 is... Angelo. He's enormously pleased with his win, and unlike the last time he won the first challenge, realizes that he wasn't destined to get it, but had to beat out some stiff competition. He gets more mild applause back in the Kitchen. Dalet is displeased, because Richard's disqualification was "bullshit". Yeah, why bother with time limits? Let's just let people cook as long as they like. And hey, if there's something about the dish the judges don't like, why don't we let the chefs fix it and send out a second plate? And why declare a winner at all? Let's just watch these people pat each other on the back for three months.

Angelo delivers the bad news. The judges would like to see Fabio, Stephen, and Elia at Losers' Table. Odd Asian Music and Gong are back, though the gong is a lot more diminished than in seasons past. Once the chefs are lined up, the judges start with Stephen. He describes his unfamiliarity with the original platter, but the judges have a lot more technical issues with it than conceptual. The soup dumpling was monochromatic and had an unpleasant texture. The proportions of ingredients in all of the dishes were way off. Elia made absolutely no changes to the poor dish she put out way back when. Gail's portion of fish was almost raw, and Elia cops to not testing them.

Fabio points out that the issues the judges had were that his stew was too light (which is what he was going for), and the weirdness of the paper it was served in (which is a cosmetic issue, and has nothing to do with food). In fact, he calls out Bourdain directly, saying that while he has no issue with taking constructive criticism, he's not here to sit back and have people make fun of him. Ba-zing! That would have been awesome, even if he weren't entirely correct, which he is. The chefs are dismissed. On her way out, Elia tells the judges not to eliminate her, because she has a lot more to do. As long as it doesn't have to do with correcting her previous mistakes, listening to food criticism, or maturing in her attitude towards her competitors at all, I suppose.

Deliberations. Elia didn't make any of the necessary changes. Fabio's dish was indecisive. Not to my mind. Fabio's either. Stephen's proportions were wrong, and he had no method for improving a platter he had no hand in the first time around. The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. Rehashes of the same problems. Let's get right to the chop. Elia. Please pack your knives and go. Anything that wipes any remnant of Season 2 from our collective memory is fine by me. See ya! Well, I guess I should cover her final interview. She's upset, and says what everyone's thinking, which is that the first contestant eliminated wasted his/her time even participating. The other chefs offer hugs and applause, but Elia still walks away disappointed.

This season on Top Chef: You know the drill. Challenges. Cooking. "This isn't called Top Somethingorother!" Chaos. Paula fucking Deen (bleh). Muppets. A hospital visit. Fights. Angry Asian ladies. Jenc totally calls the judges on missing something. I'm telling you, if the chefs backtalk the judges every week, I'm automatically calling this the best season ever.

Overall Grade: B+