Declaration of Independence

Top Chef - Season 12, Episode 5

Previously: The chefs went to Cheers, and Gregory really embraced the "bar" aspect of the Quickfire by spilling food all over the floor. George Wendt displayed the boredom that all of us audience members are experiencing this season. The Elimination Challenge threatened to spark some actual interest by giving us an intriguing challenge about menu design. Aaron kept on fighting, Gregory kept on winning, and my boyfriend kept on dropping off to sleep during these episodes. James and Rebecca made an unceremonious exit, and I think Rebecca just might be the chef that's made the least amount of impression on me in the history of the franchise. Ten chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Monday Morning Quarterback Session. Stacy is shell-shocked by how badly she and her team performed in the last challenge. I'm glad she was able to pull through, but yeah, step it up, girl. Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma and guest judge Jamie Bissonette, which is a name I feel like should be showing up in the Too Many Cooks intro. The theme of this week's challenges is battles, so it looks like I was right when I said "I guess Boston's current food culture is not enough of an attraction, so it's looking more and more like this season will be Quirky Challenges Regarding America's Past". This is like Assassin's Creed 3: Food Missions. Which actually sounds kind of awesome. Somebody make that game.

Anyhoo, in this week's Quickfire, half the chefs get to pick an opponent to cook against head-to-head. That opponent then gets to select a dish from a pre-set list that both chefs will make. There's no immunity, but the winning chef will get $10,000. That puts the chefs' game faces on pretty damned quick. Here's how the match-ups shake out:

Katsuji challenges Aaron, who picks smoked salmon. Doug challenges Adam, who picks mussels. Kariann challenges Stacy, who picks trout. Melissa challenges Katie, who picks BBQ. That leaves Mei vs. Gregory, and they'll be making steamed dumplings. There's naturally a lot of smack talk about who's weak, and who's a threat, and who's going down, and blah blah blah. Let's see who can back up their bluster. Ready? Go! The banter keeps up over the course of the prep, some more good-natured than others. When the dust settles, Padma and Jamie judge each pair of dishes. The winners and losers of each match-up will form a team of their own for their upcoming challenge:

Winners: Katsuji, Doug, Kariann, Katie, and Gregory
Losers: Aaron, Adam, Stacy, Melissa, and Mei

Mei looks piiiiiiiiiiised. Gregory not only beat her in the Quickfire match-up, but he is declared the overall winner, and gets to pocket the $10K. Elimination Challenge. As I just mentioned, the chefs who won their Quickfire match-ups are sorted into one team (Blue), while the losing chefs go to the other team (Red). For today's main challenge, the chefs can make whatever dish they like. They will then go head-to-head in another series of battles. Each time a team wins a battle, they get a point. First team to three points wins, and someone from the losing team goes home. The chefs may pick who participates in each battle, so this is very similar to that tennis challenge that we had such a rousing discussion about. Check the comments!

Shopping. Each team only gets $1000 to serve 100 guests, so they must split up their money and choose ingredients wisely. Which proceeds to happen with no issue whatsoever. Not that I want people pulling each other's hair over who gets to buy cumquats or whatever, but this season desperately needs a shot of adrenaline. Prep. Aaron is making a seafood noodle wrap very much like the one that edged out Katie's dish in that one Quickfire. Melissa interviews that she is confident about her soup. Then, thirty seconds later she interviews that she is concerned about her soup, because the texture isn't working out the way she'd hoped. Even the editors are too bored to pay attention to what's going on.

Service. The food is served outdoors, with people in Revolutionary War garb standing around playing with muskets. The hundred guests tear into the food, but have absolutely no say in whose dish is good or bad or better or worse than anyone else's. So...thanks for stopping by, everyone! The judges will be the ones deciding everything. Adam has taken a pseudo-leader role on the Blue team, but has the refreshing intelligence to realize that as long as he concentrates on making his own dish as good as possible, he's unlikely to be eliminated. Somewhere, Spike is watching this, smirking, then waltzing out the door to go lose yet another contest because he got more caught up in strategy than on making decent food. Aaron spills his dashi all over the ground. Mei has some instant dashi mix to loan him, which he hopes will be good enough to pull him through.

First battle. Adam goes up against Dougie. Katie screams "Go Dooooooooooooogie!" on the sidelines, causing a weary Katsuji to grumble "Please don't do that." Wooo, check out the enthusiasm of even the contestants for this season! The judges like both of the dishes, but Adam's grits with cheddar cheese, poached egg, bacon, and onion jam edges out Dougie's beef tartare. Adam's does look awfully good. The Red team earns their first point.

Second battle. Katsuji has a mini panic attack as he puts together yet another dish with forty-thousand components. Luckily, he's up against Melissa, whose soup has an extremely off-putting texture that the judges find watery and unappetizing. It's bad enough that Katsuji is able to take the battle, earning the Blue team their first point.

Third battle. Gregory goes up for Blue, so the Red team puts up Mei, which was a terrible idea. If you accept that Mei is a strong competitor (which both I and all the chefs do), the one chef you shouldn't pit her against is Gregory, who is the only person that consistently beats her. Put her up against somebody weaker so that she's more likely to grab a point. No time-traveler picks up on my brainwaves, so they are re-matched, and although Mei's strip loin in kimchi vegetables is given high marks, she cannot overcome Gregory's mushroom/coconut milk/tumeric green curry. Bad strategy, Red. The Blue team takes their second point.

Fourth battle. Kariann goes up against Stacy. A lot of Quickfire rematches are going on here, which Padma notes sardonically. I think she may be drunker than usual. No matter how much the judges disliked Melissa's soup, it's nothing compared with the revulsion that meets Kariann's herb meatball. The judges completely trash it. Stacy's marinated beets are nothing to write home about, but they're clearly better than the hated meatball, so Stacy wins the battle. The Red team gets its second point.

Fifth battle. It all comes down to Aaron vs. Katie! Aaron says that if Katie beats him, he will shoot himself in the face. Katie has made a chocolate cake with smoked sour cream, and Aaron implies that she's copped out by making a dessert. Huh? Dessert is usually what gets people kicked off the show. If anything, making chocolate cake takes far stronger stones than making a savory dish; especially a rehash of your own Quickfire entry from a couple of challenge ago. Tom essentially says the same thing. Aaron's scallop noodle and pork meatball is panned, and Katie wins the point, solidifying the Blue team's win. Katie lets out a pretty endearing Xena yell of victory.

Judges' Table. The Blue team is congratulated, and sent to the safe zone. They are shortly joined by Adam and Mei, who both made very good dishes, despite being on the losing team. Looks like Adam's strategy paid off. He's given some guff about it from the judges (and from Gregory on the sidelines, like thanks for chiming in, Golden Boy, but your opinion from the safe zone on this matter is less than essential). It's all bullshit, and Adam happily shrugs it off as such. That leaves Stacy, Aaron, and Melissa up for the chop. Stacy is a little surprised to be in danger, since she won her point. The judges tell her that she shouldn't be too proud about that, since she didn't win so much as Kariann completely blew it. There's a pretty stellar shot of Kariann's reactionary bitchface to this proclamation. All three of these chefs did pretty poor work today, but the one going home is...Aaron. Hooray!

In his final interview, he graciously admits that his personality may not be for everyone. And the Atlantic Ocean is a bit moist. I may have added that last bit. He is finally out of our lives, to the delight of everyone but his girlfriend, since the only food he's prepared for her is a knuckle sandwich. And not that I advocate violence, but Aaron did say that he'd shoot himself in the face if Katie won the point. People should keep their promises, don't you think?

Overall Grade: B-

Bloodless Chew

Previously on Top Chef: Travis and Sara were really confident when it comes to Vietnamese food, so according to the Rules of Reality Competitions, they screwed everything up. One of these days, it will be refreshing to see someone say something like "I've been making dumplings since I was six, and am going to totally dominate this dumpling challenge," and then proceed to do just that. The shrimp dishes decided the day, with Shirley's BBQ shrimp scoring major points, and Janine getting punted for double-cooking hers. Fourteen chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight? Besides the St. Louis Cardinals, goddamn it!

Travis and Sara are bummed after their flogging at Judges' Table, so Travis distracts himself by using the show as his opportunity to come out to his father. That'll be a fun little conversation when the season airs. Over at the Kitchen, Padma and Gail explain this week's Quickfire Challenge. Every ingredient and piece of kitchen equipment has been wrapped in aluminum foil, rendering a lot of it unrecognizable. Then the Quickfire judges are introduced, and it turns out to be Padma and Gail's moms. Aw, cute. The chefs are split into two teams, and the moms have five minutes to pack a couple of carts with food and equipment. Whatever ingredients they pick up, the team must incorporate somehow. Ready? Go!

Carts are packed. When the dust settles, we see what the chefs were able to put together with weird mixtures like strawberries and mustard. One team (Sara, Stephanie, Justin, Michael, Carrie, Louis, and Shirley) makes lamb with cheese sauce, snapper with tomato sauce and rice, and a balsamic sabayon, which Carrie was somehow able to whip together without a whisk. The other team (Brian, Nina, Carlos, Travis, Bene, Patty, and Nick) has poached clams in fish sauce, a fish dish with mustard vinaigrette, and use up the rest of their ingredients by throwing them all into a soup (it incorporates beans, carrots, chili peppers, okra, cherry, strawberry, and coconut. Yeah, that sounds gross.

The moms disagree, I guess, because the latter team wins. Nobody gets immunity, but the chefs get $10,000. To split, that is. Everyone keeps tossing the $10,000 figure around, I guess because it doesn't sound quite as grand to boast that you just won $1,428.56. Still, not bad for half an hour's work. That dispensed with, it's time to move on to this week's Elimination Challenge. Padma introduces this week's guest judge: Glee star and avowed Top Chef super-fan Lea Michele. She's "hosting" a "Halloween" party, which the chefs will be catering, and... Come on, show. It's fine to air a Halloween-themed episode the day before the actual holiday, but I'm not sure who they're fooling by pretending the challenge was filmed anytime recently or that Lea Michele is hosting the party in any way, shape, or form. Oh, wait. I know who they're fooling - those dweebs who are voting in the insta-polls that irritatingly suck up a third of the screen.

The chefs are given some brief discussion time with Lea, who mentions that she generally sticks to a vegan diet, except when she's indulging in cheese, which she really loves. Plus, the dishes should incorporate an aspect of Halloween. Sigh. It's not that I don't like vegetarian/vegan challenges once in a while, but they don't generally lead to the most inventive dishes. Especially when it's a catering challenge, and the chefs won't have on-site access to a kitchen. Especially especially when they also have to include some visually thematic element. Sometimes, I desperately wish I could be a guest at one of the events these chefs cook for, but this sounds like one I'd happily skip. The chefs are paired off with whoever happens to be standing next to them:

-Carrie/Stephanie
-Nicholas/Patty
-Travis/Carlos
-Nina/Michael
-Justin/Sara
-Shirley/Louis
-Brian/Bene

The chefs shop, and then get to prep cooking. Most of the teams get along with no issue whatsoever. And by "most", I mean six of them. I'll give you one guess as to the pair that's not working out particularly well. A shiny gold star to those who said Nina/Michael. He's as insufferable as ever, and not just because he's reliably condescending and sexist, insisting on calling Nina by diminutive nicknames like "Sweetie" and "Boo-Boo". She's also justifiably worried that he can't pull his weight in terms of his dish, as he's been consistently placing pretty low in the challenges. Not that she does anything about it. I understand why she doesn't want to deal with his truckload of bullshit, but you can't ignore your partner in team challenges, lest they drag you down with them when they fail.

The party kicks into gear. None of the Halloween costumes are particularly inspired, which is a shame. Bravo's got enough to money to dress these people up right. Tom is shocked and dismayed to find that three teams have made arancini, and if he's that het up about it, I'd ask for his extensive list of foods that can be fried and easily served at a catered event, includes cheese, is otherwise vegan, and can be dressed up in Halloween trappings (like an eyeball). Other notable dishes include Justin's "blood" pasta, made with beets despite Lea's general dislike of them, Shirley's "worm" salad made of noodles, and Louis' phyllo spring roll with braised quinoa and onions on a potato puree.

Fret 'n sweat. Before the judges' discussion begins, Nina and Michael finally have it out over their doomed partnership. Michael can add "gobsmackingly clueless" to his list of stellar qualities, as he insists that far from dragging her down, she was the one who needed him to succeed. His hopes are gloriously dashed when the judges' deliberations get beamed in, and they immediately praise her dish and abhor his. That doesn't mean she's out of the woods, of course, as they were supposed to work as a team, but it's nice to watch his bubble get popped so efficiently. Brian and Bene are also in trouble for making "spa food", which beyond sounding silly as an inspiration for a Halloween challenge, worked out to be a couple of boring salads. On the flip side, Nicholas' squash cannoli was delicious and thematically appropriate, and his partner Patty's arancini was the best of the three made today. Also in the top are Travis and Carlos, who have cleverly gone with a Dia de los Muertos theme. Travis' ceviche is light and fresh, while Carlos' fried zucchini in cheese fondue went straight to Lea's heart. In a good way.

It's been a busy couple of episodes for the previously-overlooked Travis. He's invisible! Now he's an expert in Vietnamese cuisine! Now he's terrible at Vietnamese cuisine! Now he's indirectly coming out to his dad! Now he's an expert in Latino cuisine! And now he can add challenge winner to that growing list, as he and Carlos carry the day. Though Brian and Bene get justifiably criticized for their unimaginative dishes, they real question boils down to whether Michael is going to get eliminated solo or if he'll take Nina with him. Sighs of relief are heard all over the country as the condescending Muppet takes the long walk alone. He's blithely self-impressed to the very end, saying that he represented New Orleans well and that everyone has something to add to this world. Well, he's right on that latter point. He added a handy villain to this season. With him gone, who will the anger turn to?

Overall Grade: C+

Water Sports

Top Chef: Just Desserts - Season 2, Episode 5

Now that poor, unloved Melissa is off giving donuts the stinkeye somewhere else, it appears that the remaining chefs need someone else to be offended by. The spinning wand comes to rest on Katzie, who now is on everyone's nerves for no apparent reason.

For today's Quickfire, the chefs are tasked with making their own candy bar for Gail and guest judge Pichet Ong. Yum! Orlando starts off as supercilious as ever, but when Rebecca's broken hand causes her to drop her desserts all over the floor, he redeems himself by spending his free time helping her get a new batch ready. Chris is fast becoming the overachiever of the group, and works hard to make not one candy bar, but a duo. When time runs out, Mathhew's unfinished bar sinks to the bottom of Pichet's list, along with Katzie's goopy, liquidy bar. Sally appeals to him with Asian flavors, and is joined in the top by Rebecca, who makes sure to thank Orlando for his assistance. Sally wins the challenge and immunity, which feels good after all the time she's spent at Losers' Table lately.

For the Elimination Challenge, get ready for a shock... The chefs are split into teams. TEAMS! Can you believe it? What's that you say? Every single Elimination Challenge so far has been a team challenge? Oh. Well, that's kind of anticlimactic, then. Seriously, it's time to let these people work individually. Anyhow, the teams are chosen randomly, and shake out to be:

Carlos/Sally/Amanda
Orlando/Chris/Matthew
Katzie/Rebecca/Megan

The challenge is to create refreshing treats for the crowd at a nearby waterpark. Naturally, this leads to a lot of ice cream and sorbet plans. Minor drama breaks out when Carlos hogs all the available ice cream machines. As befits the theme of this season so far, it never gets beyond some impatient sniping before everything is resolved into an organized list of whose turn it is next. As a group, I'm really enjoying these people's attitudes. Plus, Carlos gets his comeuppance when his machine hogging leads other teams to turn to liquid nitrogen that he desperately needs.

As with last week's edible room, this is one of those challenges that I wish I could attend as a guest, because the park's patrons obviously love augmenting their waterslide fun by getting nine free gourmet summer desserts. The judges work their way down the line, and manage to coin yet another annoying Catch-22, bringing the total number up to about six. In this case, Johnny rails against Amanda for preparing her funnel cakes ahead of time, because the taste and texture suffer, and she should have made them to order. He then takes Mathhew to task for taking two whole minutes to make his desserts on the spot, because oh my God he's been waiting two whole minutes for it. Criticizing chefs' mistakes is one of the tenets of this show, but when you pick a complaint, perhaps you should wait more than thirty seconds before arguing for the diametrically opposite point.

At Judges' Table, the Megan/Katzie/Rebecca team gets top marks, with Katzie winning her second Elimination Challenge in a row for her impressive spumoni. Huh, that sounds a lot more sexual than I intended. Everyone else is called to Losers' Table and each of them gets their own little personal critique before Amanda is axed for those pesky funnel cakes. Well, it's shame in the sense that she seems like a cool person, but as I'm the only citizen of America who detests funnel cake, it's nice to finally have some ammunition for my lonely battle.

Overall Grade: B-

China Syndrome

Top Chef - Season 8, Episode 5

Previously on Top Chef: Hey, did you know that Spike allowed other people to execute his dish? He totally did! And then he went home! Coincidence? I THINK NOT!!!!! You should never rely on or allow another chef to direct your vision! By the way, the show would still like you to conveniently ignore that allowing yuzu gelee to be added to his soup was perhaps .5% of the reason Spike got eliminated. Thanks so much, and enjoy the show! Thirteen chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Antonia doesn't understand what drives Angelo to stick his nose into so many other people's dishes. Not literally, of course, although that would be entertaining. She calls his constant need to interfere a case of "Chef Tourette's", which is honestly the best description of it I've heard so far. It's certainly a lot more believable than Angelo having some grand evil plan to sabotage everyone else. Richard outlines the Jamie Arc for us again.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma. It's tough to concentrate on anything she says, because she's wearing a black and white striped shirt with puffy shoulders. I guess it figures. She's already been the parrot, and has now worked her way up to full-fledged pirate. I look forward to the inevitable peg-leg and eyepatch.

Panny: "I had a shirt like that. In third grade."

Padma explains that today's Quickfire will be a test of speed. Another chef will come in and make a dish as fast as he can, and however much time that takes is the time limit that the contestants will have to make their own dishes. The pace chef turns out to be Ptom. I'm not sure if the show is putting him forward as some sort of "Look! He doesn't just sit behind a table and pronounce judgment! He's really talented!" statement, or if they just thought it'd be a cute idea for a challenge. I waffled back and forth on this, but as I'm feeling rather cynical today, right now I'm in the former camp. The other chefs dutifully suck up in interview. Ptom starts his prep. He's an impressive whirl of speed at first, although he probably didn't intend to catapult his leftover fish carcass right into Padma. Well, wear a pirate shirt, and of course dead fish will be attracted to you. When Ptom finishes, there is a scant 8 minutes, 37 seconds on the clock.

The chefs gird themselves for a tough challenge. Ptom tells them that degree of difficulty will factor into the results, so quick slices of tuna tartare aren't going to make the grade. Padma adds some incentive when she promises the winner not only immunity, but a brand new Toyota Prius to go along with it. The countdown starts. Marcel has the very smart idea to avoid the clusterfuck of ingredient grabbing at the fridge, and heads right for Ptom's leftover fish. Nicely done. Wild prep ensues; it's understandably even more chaotic than usual. And before you know it, time's up. Ptom and Padma go down the line.

Antonia has seared ahi tuna on top of a tarragon, corn, and tomato salad. Richard has roasted foie gras with aromatics, served with corn, coriander, and port. Tiffani has a weak-looking clam chowder with celery and cream. Fabio's dish is similar to Ptom's. It has steamed clams, with zucchini, fish, tomato broth, thyme, and garlic. Angelo has disregarded the whole "difficulty matters" lecture, and has made a crudo, with yuzu and branzino, with jalapeno and cilantro. Tiffany has pan-seared bass, with tomato relish, olives, and capers. Ooh. Yes, please. Capers bring me happiness.

Tre has grilled beef tenderloin with seared foie gras, and serves it with mushrooms and brandy sauce. Sounds pretty complicated for the time limit. Carla has got shrimp with mango, cilantro, and mint. Now that sounds like an eight-minute dish. Dalet attempted to make pad Thai with egg noodles, but couldn't complete much of anything in the time limit. His bowls just have one sad noodle and some cooking liquid at the bottom. Casey was in such a hurry that she still has food stuck in her hair. Heh. She's made a spice-rubbed filet, with a fresh tomato relish. Marcel has used Ptom's black sea bass, and combined it with dashi broth, bok choy, and chili oil. Mike has pan-roasted branzino, with a black olive and caper stew. Yum. More happiness! Jamie wasn't able to get much clam done in time, so she calls it an amuse-bouche with tomato and bacon. I guess she can't do much else at this point. You know, Carla aside, Jamie's season was the most boring one, so a lot of details are lost to the sands of time, but I honestly don't remember her being this sucky. Didn't she show some promise at some point?

Results. The bottom three naturally kicks off with Dalet, who was the only chef not able to plate anything. Jamie couldn't put anything together with her clam. And her dish wasn't much to talk about, either. Ba-zing! Angelo gets shunted to the bottom for the cardinal sin of ignoring a challenge parameter. Now, for the good news. Mike developed a ton of flavors. Richard had well-cooked foie gras. Marcel is commended for making dashi so speedily. The winner of the challenge, the immunity, and the car is... Mike. Yay! If you had told me during Season 6 that I'd one day be happily cheering Mike's victory, I'd have thought you were crazy. Yet here we are. I'm certainly not the only person to have noticed this attitude turnaround and disproportionate amount of screentime, but it's something to ponder.

Elimination Challenge. Like the Quickfire, it will also test the chefs' speed and organizational skills, though nobody's going to be able to get away with a one-clam "amuse-bouche" this time. The chefs are going to Chinatown, and will work as one team to supply a dim sum restaurant through the lunch rush. Obviously, some chefs are happier to hear this than others. Dalet once worked in a dim sum restaurant, and is thrilled, while Fabio is horrified. Padma warns that dim sum is served continuously, so keeping the carts filled is a big aspect of the challenge. The chefs are dismissed, and Mike heads outside to check out his new car. It's a nice car, though the dull gray finish they picked for it is unfortunate.

That evening, the chefs settle in to plan the menu. Jamie volunteers to make scallops. DRINK! Fabio sets up a flashback to Season 5, and Jamie's slavish devotion to putting scallops into everything short of a milkshake. Mike agrees to expedite, because that's what people with immunity do. After that's decided, a discussion of who's going to work the front-of-house arises. Thanks to the chefs' newfound focus on retaining full control of their own dishes, this one's not as easily settled. After all, whoever is out peddling the food will have less time in the kitchen. Eventually, Carla and Casey step up to the plate. Dalet and Angelo, who have the most experience in this arena, agree to do two dishes each. Jamie, perhaps still stinging from the whole Jamie Arc thing, wants to do two as well.

After the menu planning session, a group of chefs gather in the loft kitchen to drink and shoot the shit. Tiffani attacks Antonia with her bra. All the dudes immediately clear the room. And...scene!

Shopping. Fabio talks about his pet turtle over footage of him walking her on a leash. And...scene!

The chefs head for the dim sum restaurant, and get started on their three and a half hours of prep. Fabio discovers that the ovens don't go above 300 degrees. That's because Chinese people don't bake. Seriously, we've been watching a lot of House Hunters International lately, and if I've learned nothing else, I've learned that were I ever to move to Nanjing, making chocolate chip cookies won't be in the cards. Jamie screws up yet another dish. In this case, she's not happy with the way her dumplings are turning out. Casey has purchased a large bag of chicken feet, and is now stuck cutting all of the nails off of them. Carla wraps up some very pretty summer rolls. Tre has trouble keeping his dessert cold in the fiery heat of the cramped kitchen. As time winds down, a horde of Chinese diners enters the restaurant and gets seated. Casey prepares about a dozen of her chicken feet dishes, but has to go work the dining room, so she leaves the rest in Antonia's hands.

Service begins. There's a problem right away. All the chefs are behind in their prep, and in addition to that, Casey and Carla are working the dining room, Tiffany is loading the dumbwaiter with food, and Mike is extricating it. That's pretty much a full quarter of the chefs doing nothing but shuttling food from one place to another. Not an auspicious beginning. Casey and Carla greet the judges, including guest judge (and Top Chef Master) Susur Lee. Tiffani's cabbage salad with curry chicken is presented. It's a huge plate of roughage, and in no way would be a welcome sight at dim sum, at least in my eyes. Who knows, this crowd may love it. Fabio's soy, honey-glazed pork rib is also too big and unwieldy, although it looks tasty. Carla's summer rolls have a lemongrass dipping sauce on the side. Angelo's shrimp and pork spring rolls look fucking fantastic. Marcel has boneless chicken wings, with a scallion mayonnaise.

Meanwhile, the kitchen has already blown its wad, and isn't sending any dishes out. Tiffany shrieks at the other chefs to get her some goddamn food already, and complains in interview that she doesn't understand what's happening, because this is what they supposedly do every day; they're chefs. Well, exactly. They're chefs, not cooks. If you need a perfectly composed plate, with every delicate ingredient placed just so, these passionate artists have got you covered. Getting a large volume of food out quickly? Not so much. Also, most kitchens run on genuine teamwork, while this crew has no incentive to help one another out. The whole enterprise was doomed before it began.

Tasting. Angelo's spring roll gets high marks, while Carla's summer roll falters. Fabio's ribs are nice and sweet. Richard's dish is presented without being described, and without any identifying subtitles. Someone messed up. Marcel's dish is bland, while Tiffani's is heavy on the sesame. Service sucks. The crowd gets increasingly impatient. Get used to this theme, because it's never going to get any better. Jamie is a terrible chef with a terrible attitude. Get used to that theme, too, because it's never going to get any better. In fact, the entire structure of service dissolves, and everyone takes whatever they can to the dining room, carts and servers be damned.

Jamie and Antonia have collaborated on Chinese longbeans with sausage. Dalet and Angelo have collaborated on cheung fun with xo shrimp. Dalet has also made sticky rice with Chinese bacon, wrapped in banana leaf. Tiffany has steamed buns with spicy pork and vegetables. Tre's got an orange/ginger dessert, served with water chestnut, pine nuts, and Thai basil. Service sucks.

Tasting. The cheung fun is spicy, but tasty. Dalet's sticky rice is a hit as well. The longbeans are overcooked, while Tiffany's pork buns are delightfully authentic. Tre's dessert isn't cold enough, and has gotten runny. Service sucks. The kitchen is a total black hole of chaos. Casey descends to discover that Antonia can barely keep up with her own dish, and has let Casey's suffer as a result. Diners start to walk out in a huff. Ptom goes down to the kitchen to complain, which is the number one way to make things slow down even more. Everyone's running around in complete panic; it's not like they're down there playing canasta. I'm not prepared to call this a challenge where the chefs were set up to fail, because they could have done plenty differently to turn this around. But Ptom can certainly still feel free to shove that Disappointed Dad act he loves so much in his craw and suck on it for a while.

Casey's pathetic chicken feet finally make it out to the table. They're a play on chicken and waffles, and are braised and served with cilantro on a scallion pancake. Antonia has shrimp toast with pickled scallions and mushrooms. Mike has made pork and prawn steamed dumplings, served with spicy soy sauce. Jamie's dumplings have scallop and water chestnuts with Chinese chives. Service sucks.

Tasting. Mike's dumplings aren't bad, but the soy is too strong. Antonia's shrimp toast is great. Casey's chicken feet were not cooked in hot enough oil, and are stringy. Jamie's dumplings are awful. What...a shock. The terrible, horrible, no good, very bad service finally winds down. Well, that was just painful to watch. I've done my share of cater waiting, and have had those shifts were you just can't keep up for whatever reason, and they suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. I'm having sympathy stress. The chefs dejectedly drag themselves out.

Interstitial. Have they mentioned how much the service sucked? Well, just in case you haven't gotten that yet, let's devote the interstitial to repeating it.

Fret 'n sweat. The chefs do their best to do an autopsy on their service, but never find the cause of death. Padma enters, and summons Casey, Antonia, Carla, Jamie, and Tre to Judges' Table. While it's nice when they attempt to mix things up by calling the losing chefs first (as they've done here), it may whip up a bit more suspense when the divide isn't so obvious. Odd Asian Music and Gong have made sure to show up for this episode. For once, I guess Odd Asian Music actually makes sense in this context, so just for tonight let's welcome Perfectly Normal Asian Music!

Service is briefly mentioned, then completely discarded in favor of the food. While I'm glad cooking is taking center stage, it's still a bit disingenuous to spend half the episode on scenes of crappy service, only to have it lead nowhere. Jamie prepared her dumpling wrappers incorrectly. She also put way too much oil on the longbeans. Antonia's shrimp toast was good, but she did have her hand in the disappointing longbeans and in Casey's chicken feet, which the judges address now by saying they weren't cooked nearly long enough. Also, the pancake they rested on was way too heavy. Antonia's role is mentioned, but all she can find to say about the situation was that she wished there were more time to help each other.

Casey shakes her head, because that's not very helpful at all. I don't know if she never said it, or if it's on the cutting room floor, but I dearly wish Antonia had said something along the lines of "I'm disappointed that I couldn't do better for Casey, but I was trying to cook those AND my shrimp toast AND assist Jamie with the longbeans. Plenty of other chefs had poor food, and don't have the excuse of extra work." Tre's dessert was defeated by the hot kitchen. Carla's summer rolls were dainty and beautiful, but wound up being nothing but a mouthful of bland noodle. The chefs are dismissed.

Back in the Kitchen, Tiffany, Angelo, Dalet, and Fabio are sent to Winners' Table. That's three people who have experience with Chinese food preparation...and Fabio, who deserves a lot of credit for scoring so highly while so completely out of his comfort zone. His dish had good imagination, and tasted great. Tiffany's pork bun was bright and flavorful. Dalet's rice was fresh. Angelo's spring rolls were authentic, with good texture. Susur gets to announce the individual winner, who is... Dalet. I'm as surprised to be as happy for him as I was for Mike's Quickfire win. He deserves this one.

Deliberations. Padma says that this is a tough elimination, because so many things sucked. Both of Jamie's dishes were terrible, but she gets credit for putting in some extra work. Antonia is saved by her shrimp toast. Tre's dessert was a soupy mess. Neither the judges nor the diners liked Casey's chicken feet. Carla's dish was pretty as a painting, and tasted about as good. The judges make a decision.

Elimination. Bad wordplay by Ptom. The same criticisms. Let's get straight to the chop. Casey. Please pack your knives and go. What?!? Well, that's just bullshit. Let's have the final interview first: Unlike some of her other competitors, she clearly knew coming in that winning would be a longshot, and takes everything in stride. Figures. Someone finally gets an unfair elimination, and they have the nerve to be all mature about it. She does say what everyone's thinking - that everyone expected Jamie to be cut, including Jamie. Casey took a big risk leaving her dish in someone else's hands, and that risk did not pay off. She doesn't think it's her time to go, but that's how it worked out.

Seriously, are we missing something here? If I understand correctly, Casey's dish may have been saved by cooking at the proper temperature, which she was not around to do, because some of the chefs were required to be out in the dining room. I'm not even saying that that means Antonia should have been eliminated. I'm saying that Casey's food being bad was at least partially beyond Casey's control, while Jamie's dishes being bad all rests on Jamie. This was a bad, bad decision. Confucius say: "You got totally robbed, girl."

Overall Grade: C-

Clothes, But Not Clothes Enough

Top Chef: Just Desserts - Season 1, Episode 5

Previously on Just Desserts: Melrose Place wished it could be this out-of-control. Seth had another meltdown, which led to an anxiety attack, which led to his ejection. Heatherc threw herself back into the competition with the tenacity and vigor of limp spaghetti. Heatherh was crabby, Yigit was snotty, and Malika was done with this show, quitting at her culinary high point. Eight chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. More Zettie's Confections. Yay! In addition to those, we had cupcakes I had made for LabRat's birthday, and Panny brought along mini-pumpkin pies, adapted from the mini-pecan pies that I love so. Happiness all around!

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Last week, I referred to Yigit as Gretchen Weiners. This week, let's get his opening lines verbatim, shall we? "Clique is such an awful word, but there's definitely groups of people who have gravitated towards one another. [Heatherh], Zac, and I... We've become Team Go Diva. People are a little bit threatened by the three of us being such talented pastry chefs and good friends, but...fuck them." Wow. Even though I thought it was a fairly apt comparison, I never dreamed it would be that prescient. Since Yigit is about a half-centimeter from getting hoop earrings for Hanukkah, why don't we just go ahead and fuse the two of them? Gretchen + Yigit = Gidget. Plus, we have the added bonus of never having to revisit the phrase "Team Go Diva", which is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. "Plastics" it is.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by a weird didgeridoo sound effect. Oh, and by Gail and this week's guest judge, Sherry Yard, who rules Pastryland in Wolfgang Puck's empire. Gail tells the chefs that their skills will be tested to the limit today, as they tackle the most notoriously fragile dessert there is. Yes, it's souffle time! Yay! They're light, they're airy, and they can deflate if you look at them cross-eyed. The chefs are appropriately nervous. Gail gives them an hour to whip up their souffles, and starts the clock.

Zac talks up the Plastics as he springs into action. The chefs interview about their various tips for achieving a successful souffle. Height, egg whites, and timing all figure into this terrifying enterprise. Zac says he doesn't like traditional souffle, so he's going to make a frozen version, dismissing the other chefs' as boring. Well, sure. Ignoring the entire point of the challenge worked out so well for Heatherc's penny candy dish and Seth's wedding cake. Third time's a charm! Tellingly, nobody claims to have this challenge in the bag. Everyone knows enough about souffles to avoid being overconfident. Dishes are filled, popped into the ovens, and watched like kids at a playground. Time runs out. Zac shouts about the Plastics again.

The chefs approach Gail and Sherry one by one to present their souffles. Danielle's is a lemon and lavender souffle, with a ginger/blueberry compote at the bottom, with honey/creme fraiche ice cream. Well, that didn't take long. It may not be terrifically light and high, but those flavors have won Limecrete's Pick of the Week for Danielle. That thing sounds fucking delicious. Zac talks up his frozen souffle to offset any objections to it not being traditional. It's a Grand Marnier/vanilla bean frozen souffle, with sauteed apples in brown butter in one side dish, and toasted oat streusel with fennel pollen on another. Erika is not happy with her souffle, saying it could have used another thirty seconds in the oven. That's the margin of error? I'm never going to make one of these things. Her souffle is lemon-basil, and is served with a white chocolate raspberry sauce.

Heatherh has a chocolate raspberry souffle with Grand Marnier and dusted with powdered sugar, which is served with a rasberry coulis and Godiva cream. Sherry tells her that a perfect souffle is like a unicorn, in that she's never seen one. Wow, that was kind of bitchy. Gidget tells the judges he's made a beautiful chocolate souffle, with a passion fruit and vanilla bean ice cream. He's made some spirals of hardened chocolate to surround the ice cream, which looks very cool. Morgan's made a gianduja souffle, with some burnt sugar ice cream and a raspberry coulis. Yes! More hazelnut! Less coconut!

Results. Aw, I was hoping to see what Heatherc and Eric came up with. Gail asks Sherry for her bottom three, which kicks off with Erika. Her souffle was too sweet and too heavy. Zac's had no airy qualities, and was dense. Gee, you'd almost think ignoring the challenge intentions doesn't work out well for the chefs! I wonder if they'll ever stumble across that clue. The bottom three ends with Heatherh, whose souffle lacked flavor. Danielle gets in a hilarious and extremely understandable dig at the Plastics, who kicked off the episode snarking about how intimidating they are to the other chefs, and now comprise two-thirds of the Quickfire losers. The top three starts with Morgan, whose souffle had great height and great flavor. Gidget's had height, acid, and good balance. Danielle layered her flavors well. The winner of the challenge is... Gidget. "I feel like this is what should have been happening since the beginning, so I'm finally glad that I'm in the rhythm of the competition, and hopefully, this is the first of many to come," he crows. Why do these weirdos sitting around me like this jerkoff? Are they pod people? I never hear mention of immunity, so I guess it's not offered for this Quickfire.

Elimination Challenge. Gail tells the chefs that Los Angeles Fashion Week is just around the corner, so the chefs will be putting on a fashion event of their own: They will be making edible fashion. Zac has a lot of experience making chocolate dresses, and can't wait to get started. A cart with a bunch of women's shoes is rolled in, and the Plastics react as if they're made of solid gold. Morgan is also pleased, but for more...adult reasons. It's refreshing to see someone own their fetish. The chefs pull cookies to determine the order in which they'll select a pair of shoes for inspiration. Zac disses Danielle's sense of fashion for picking some shiny orange shoes, as if she intends on wearing them to a runway show, and not using them as a basis for her dessert. God, he's annoying. Morgan cradles and fondles his chosen pair, completely checking out of the rest of the process. Heatherc gets stuck with last pick, and is forced to choose some frilly peach-colored shoes.

Gail tells the chefs that their edible outfits should match their shoes. That's not the entire challenge, though. The chefs must also create two petit fours as accessories to their outfits, which will be served to sixty diners, along with the judges. They get thirty minutes and $200 to shop, then eight hours to prep in the Kitchen, and two hours to set up at the event. Shopping. Morgan is still turned on, and peruses spices to give his petit fours the same heat as his sexy shoes. Zac grabs some toilet plungers to use as boob molds. Heatherc's shoes suggest a garden party to her, and she stocks up on vegetables. Gidget disdains her taste, declaring it more of an arts and crafts project than elegance.

Back in the Kitchen, the eight hours of prep begins. Zac brags to the other chefs about his edible fashion experience, but allows in interview that time is short. On the other end of the spectrum is my beloved Eric, who admits that he's not fashionable, and not the least bit interested in fashion. He doesn't have any experience with design, let alone executing that design, and senses disaster in the making. He's giving it the old college try, though, and starts cutting out cookie squares. I just want to pull him in for a big hug. Morgan tells us that there's no getting around the fact that his shoes are fuck-me pumps, so he'll be making "sequins" to accentuate their sexiness. He starts cutting out chocolate circles. Danielle, like Heatherc, is using a lot of plant material for her outfit. Gidget wants to evoke Bjork's swan dress. Heatherh tells the very touching story of being adopted from Korea by a single mother, and how inspirational and wonderful her mother has been. Adorable pictures are shown. Aw.

Johnny comes in and asks the chefs to stop working. Everyone knows this means a twist ahead, which sends an already stressed Eric into full-on panic. Fortunately, there isn't more work to be done. Johnny is just there to announce that the winner of the challenge will win $20,000. That's right, the winner of a single challenge will get a full fifth of the amount the winner of the entire competition will receive. I'm glad that this hefty prize money is for what seems like the most difficult challenge so far, but yowsa. It's still a little wonky. The chefs get back to work, doing the best they can to see around the little dollar signs that have just registered in their eyeballs. Heatherh, still stinging from Morgan's win last week, disdains his "easy" technique of attaching sequins. She's taking the more difficult tack of draping sheets of chocolate. She also doesn't appreciate Morgan's treatment of women in general (intercut with shots of Morgan objectifying his dress form and referring to the female chefs as "darlin'"). I guess there was more to her sore winner tantrum than met the eye last week.

Meanwhile, Heatherc is as happy as I've ever seen her as she attaches leeks and lettuce leaves to her dress form. She cheerfully admits that she was a tomboy, and has little to no idea what being fashionable entails. She sews circles of turnip onto the dress hem, hoping that leaving them out overnight won't ruin the effect. Morgan finishes early, and enjoys twisting the knife in the Plastics' side as they scurry to get their dresses done. He talks up how hot his completed dress is, and though this is where I'd normally attempt to take a self-satisfied boob down a peg or two, he's right. Plus, it's nice to see the Plastics sweat. Erika wants her dress to look like it belongs to a lady that gets a little wild when she's done with work for the day. Time winds down. Eric flails.

The next day, the chefs use their two hours to set up their dresses and get their petit fours done. Heatherc's turnips have dried and wilted, and she has to redesign the bottom of her dress. Zac makes fun of her in interview. Eric continues to struggle, and I continue to want to make it all better for him. Shut up, don't judge me! His dress looks awful, and he knows it. Morgan has a lot of spare time, and makes an extra accessory. The chefs take their completed dresses out to the gallery/dining room, where there are spaces with their names marked off. Eric is embarrassed to have his name attached to his monstrosity of a dress. Morgan happily admits in interview that he'll willingly help out anyone who isn't a threat to his win. He demonstrates this skewed altruism by assisting Heatherc wrap her peppercorn belt around her vegetable dress. Time runs out, and diners stream into the gallery. Zac interviews that it was a great crowd of people.

LabRat: "Meaning that it's all gay men."

Zac goes on to disdain the other chefs' petit fours and bloggers who aren't as classy as the "fashionistas" who have showed up to eat free dessert on camera, then leave. I'll be sure to let you know if there's anyone other than the other Plastics that Zac doesn't disdain. The judges come in to stares from the chefs and other diners. Okay, they're the judges. Not the Greek pantheon. Dannielle is back on the panel this week, along with Gail, Johnny, and Sherry. The judges head for Erika's table first. She describes her inspiration as business-woman-by-day, vixen-by-night. Her dress is gorgeous. The bottom hem is made of cocoa- and raspberry-dusted popcorn, giving it a ruffle effect. The skirt is molding chocolate, and the bustier is chocolate feathers. More popcorn leads up to the neckline. Her petit fours are chocolate earrings (made with raspberry jelly and pistachio mousse), and a chocolate purse (made with lemon milk chocolate ganache and apricot jam). A little mint leaf serves as the purse's clasp. Beautiful. The judges love the dress, but find the petit fours too big, putting a sweet spin on the classic not-an-amuse-bouche argument.

Zac's dress evokes a burlesque warrior. It's very Xena, and I mean that as a compliment. He talks it up further by saying that it's not just an art piece, but could actually be wearable. His petit fours are chocolate/passion fruit/lemongrass "pasties", and a coconut/black tea/pineapple makeup bag. DRINK! Good work all around. His petit fours get fairly positive reviews, though Johnny is left with an unpleasantly sandy aftertaste. Maybe it was that red glitter on top of the makeup bag. Eric does his best to sell his dress as "flirty homemaker". I applaud him for trying to adhere to the challenge, despite not knowing the first thing about it, but let's not pretend his work paid off. The skirt is meant to be a sort of gingham pattern with cookies, and the top is sheets of molding chocolate that he's tried to wrap around the form to create a semblance of clothing. His petit fours are a cherry cheesecake pendant and a chocolate cake and flambeed banana clutch purse. That one sounds good. The judges nail the execution of the sad dress, but enjoy the petit fours.

Heatherc has made a leaf lettuce skirt and leek top (complete with lemon thyme ruffle), with a pink peppercorn belt. Even if it weren't required by the challenge, I can't understand why no dessert materials were included. Surely that's what the judges are looking for. The skirt and top look kind of cute, but the belt is lackluster, and doesn't tie the other two pieces together. Her petit fours are a clutch made of chocolate/caramel/sea salt, and a chocolate fleur-de-lys hairpin. The judges like her caramel, but not much else. Johnny points out that the dress doesn't have a single pastry technique on display. Gidget's ice princess warrior dress is a wraparound of chocolate feathers, dyed blue at the top and green at the bottom. I like the twist he's put on it. That's a literal twist, in that the feathers spiral around, and don't point straight down. His petit fours are a raspberry and pinot noir ice cream hairpin, and an olive oil/citrus cake brooch with a raspberry on top. The judges like the meticulous layering of the dress, but find the petit four flavors flat.

Morgan's little black chocolate sequin dress has a red sequin stripe down the side. The extra chocolate purse accessory sits alongside the shoes, and matches perfectly. His first petit four is a spiced raspberry "ruby ring" bonbon, with the band made of chocolate. It looks awesome. His other petit four is a red hot cinnamon macaron earring. The judges love everything about his work, top to bottom. Heatherh's dress looks the most like real fabric. The top has a line of what looks like lemon cookies, and there's a ruffle made from pasta. Brilliant. Her petit fours are a lemon curd macaron purse with strawberry and pineapple, and a brooch of almond cake and raspberry cream, with passion fruit caviar. Dannielle loves the draping of the dress. Johnny points out that Heatherh's macaron pales in comparison to Morgan's. Ouch. I'm glad I wasn't in the room when she saw this episode air.

We wrap up with Danielle, who is telling one of the guests that she's not much of a shoe girl, usually opting for flip-flops. Heh. Her dress' top is roasted beets and chopped celery, and the skirt is made up of roasted leek leaves. A string of carrot coins forms a necklace, and there is a belt of stringed grapes. It's kind of sad looking, and again, has no whisper of dessert in it. None of the other chefs like the look of it, either. The Plastics giggle nastily over it, and even Eric, who usually refrains from shit-talking, says that he put more effort into his garment than the vegetable dresses. Danielle's petit fours are a red velvet whoopie pie purse and a roasted banana ice cream bonbon watch. Johnny wonders why two of the chefs didn't put any dessert components into their dresses, saying that the show isn't called Top Chef: Just Vegetables. True, but I'd totally watch that show. Sherry thinks the petit fours are overly sweet, and could have used some acid. Service winds down. Erika and Danielle dissuade Morgan from hitting on one of the diners. Heatherh tries to buck up Eric's spirits, but he knows from a quick glance around the room that he is not in good shape.

Interstitial. The chefs describe their nicknames for each other. The only bit of interest is a series of Danielle's cartoon faces, which crack me up.

Fret 'n sweat. Erika wonders what's to become of their dresses. Zac jokes that the judges are eating them one by one, with dressing served out of the shoes for Heatherc's and Danielle's. Gail comes back, and asks to see Gidget, Zac, and Morgan at Judges' Table. They naturally turn out to be the top three. Boo! Erika should have been in there somewhere. That popcorn ruffle was so great! I guess she was sunk by her gigantic petit fours. Chances I'll need the previous sentence again in my lifetime? Slim to none. By the way, Morgan is now limping for some reason. Maybe Seth slashed his leg after he stabbed Heatherc. Gidget's dress was beautiful, elegant, and delicate. Morgan's dress was sexy, and his ring was gorgeous. Zac's warrior woman was a great character and his pasties tasted great. The winner of the challenge, and the $20,000 prize is... Morgan. Yay! He may not be the most gallant man on the planet, but he certainly deserved this win. He's thrilled to win two Elimination Challenges in a row, mostly for the cachet it gives him with the other chefs. Really? I'd like the money. Gail asks the winners to send out the bottom three.

Morgan's win is applauded back in the Kitchen. Even Heatherh seems to be pleased for him. He tells the waiting chefs the unsurprising news that the judges want to see Heatherc, Eric, and Danielle. As the losing chefs trudge out, Gidget and Zac kid-but-not-really about how it sucks that the straight Texan just whipped them in a fashion challenge. Morgan blows them off. Out in the dining room, we hardly even need to hear the problems the judges had with the bottom three dresses, so obvious were the flaws. Eric admits that the process was incredibly difficult, and that he couldn't brush off his sense of panic, which led to all sorts of problems. Heatherc wanted to do something different, but didn't use anything sweet. Her dress didn't match the petit fours at all. Danielle liked her dress, and wanted to show color, texture, and shape. The judges wonder if she lacks the technical skill to pull off showing that through chocolate. She used more inedible material than any other chef, and her watch petit four was too big, and not watch-like. Her whoopie pie purse was a hit, though, and Johnny wishes she had applied the technique she put into that across the entire project. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. Danielle disappointed the judges by not applying any of her pastry knowledge to her garment. Her watch was too small, her bonbon was too big, and her dress' skirt looked like it took fifteen minutes. Heatherc's dress looked like a drunken sorority girl made it. Ouch. She came out of her shell enough to take some risks, but the risks didn't pay off. Eric's stress showed in his disastrous dress, but his petit fours had outstanding flavor. The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. None of the bottom three succeeded in the visual creativity the judges were looking for. Eric's garment was a total mess. Heatherc chose the easiest materials, and her accessories didn't accesorize. Danielle didn't show any technique, and didn't take any risks. Johnny gives it over to Gail for the chop. Heatherc. Your dessert just didn't measure up. Please pack your tools and go. Whew. I feel bad for her, but I'm relieved that my boy Eric is with us for another week.

In her final interview, Heatherc is a lot cheerier about her elimination this time around, which is heartening. She shrugs that she liked what she did, and she's proud of herself for stepping outside of her comfort zone. She giggles to the waiting chefs that this time, she's gone for real. Heh. She feels like the competition has made her a stronger person, and really enjoyed the experience, especially meeting other chefs who are dedicated to the same work she is. Well, that's sweet. It's certainly nice to have the opportunity to redo one's elimination in order go out on a higher note.

Overall Grade: B-

Farm Team

Top Chef - Season 7, Episode 5

Note to readers: The following is a short summary of the episode that will be replaced by a full recap later in the week. Tune in again before the next episode!

After Arnold and Lynne's eliminations, the remaining chefs cling to each other for companionship at home, with a couple raging cases of Jungle Fever sweeping the premises. Ed and Tiffany spend a lot of time hanging out in private (well, as private as you can get with a camera guy in your face and microphones strapped to your ass), while Angelo flirts with and coaches Tamesha.

The Quickfire is close to my heart, and tasks the chefs with preparing crab dishes. Various acts of crustacean murder occur that will no doubt bring members of PETA out into the streets with obnoxious protest signs. When the shell settles, an extremely creepy guest judge places Andrea, Amanda, and Kevin at the bottom, and Ed, Kenny, and Angelo at the top. Ed's dish is named King Crab, and he wins immunity for the rest of the round.

The Elimination Challenge throws all the chefs into one big team, forcing them to cooperate on preparing a half dozen dishes out of organic ingredients at a local farm. Even in this admittedly temporary situation in which everyone should be pulling together, egos and cliques soon render most discussion of the menu useless. Most of the power struggles come -- of course -- from Kenny and Angelo, who should just save us all a lot of time and whip out their dicks for measurement now. After a bunch of bickering, everyone just decides to work in the same teams they were in last week, which actually settles things quite nicely.

Prepping at the farm throws some people for a loop. Andrea is cold, Kelly has to haggle for vegetables, and Stephen can't figure out an efficient way to split a hard-boiled egg. No, really. The close quarters are a whir of activity, and some jostling elbows (or an errant wind) sends a bowl of cauliflower tumbling to the ground. Despite Angelo's insistence that they just go ahead and use the grass-stained mush that is now probably crawling with bugs, Kevin refuses, and opts to run for less feces-tainted fare.

At Judges' Table, Kevin, Kenny, Andrea, and Kelly are given high marks, with Kenny taking the individual win. On the other end, Tim, Amanda, and Stephen sink to the bottom. Even though Stephen has practically rented a room at Losers' Table, and even though all he did was make a simple salad that he still managed to fuck up, the judges axe Tim, breaking up the Tim/Tiffany dream team that our viewing party was getting such a kick out of. Dang.

Not-So-Jolly Ranchers

Top Chef - Season 6, Episode 5

Previously on Top Chef: You could see the Eiffel Tower from every window. Jesse got the booting that had been coming since the season kicked off, while Hector couldn't get his steak to cook properly, and paid the price. Twelve chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening credits. Sickness felled the viewing party, so again it was left to LabRat and me. Cheese and wine made their usual appearances, but an empty pantry meant I couldn't scrape up more for dinner than a tuna fish sandwich and some pickles. Well-seasoned tuna, but tuna nonetheless.

Monday Morning Quarterback session. In an odd turn, tonight will feature a lot of quotes from Michael about how awesome he and his circle of friends, family, and coworkers are. None of these irritating boasts have anything to do with the actual episode, so I'm unsure why they're included. I'm just the messenger. We kick off tonight with one of them, as he wonders why Hector (who he deems a strong chef) was kicked off, while Robin (who he deems a weak chef) is still sticking around. Um, because this is a competition in which your performance in particular challenges determines if you advance or not, regardless of overall skill? Is this a surprise to anyone?

He goes on to say that he feels the strongest chefs in the competition are Mike, Bryan, and himself. How convenient that the best chefs are also the ones he has worked with, is related to, and is! That's uncanny! I suppose we're not meant to remember that of the eight challenges we've seen so far, Kevin, Jenc, or Kevin and Jenc have completely dominated. So that happened. In other news, Mattin vows to concentrate harder, after being spanked in the challenges at which he should have excelled. Ashley misses her family, which makes sirens go off all over the room. It's mitigated somewhat by the fact that her niece was just born, so it's not just general melancholy.

Quickfire Challenge. We continue in the vein of Top Chef Masters competitors filling in as guest judges, as the chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma and Tim Love. His expertise is incorporating rural Tex-Mex food into fine dining, so I think we can all guess what the challenges might involve tonight. Padma says that for the first time in the show's history, the viewing audience got to pick the Quickfire ingredient of focus. I admit I rarely pay attention to those stupid polls, and never vote in them, though I am happy about the results. The viewers were asked to choose from "snake", "cactus", or "kangaroo". Cactus won out, and it pleases me because it presents an actual challenge. Even if a chef has never worked with snake or kangaroo, meat is meat. In a broad sense, of course. There are all sorts of special ways to work with individual meats, but if I gave you a hunk of emu, and all you've ever cooked is chicken, I'd bet you could still work something out. Cactus requires more thought, and not only because of the spines, which Tim warns the chefs to watch out for.

Padma tells the chefs they'll have forty-five minutes to make a dish with cactus. The winner will score $15,000, but nobody gets immunity this time around. Ready? Go! Neither Michael nor Mattin has ever worked with cactus. Michael reasons that because he's been strong in previous Quickfires, he's got a good chance to win this one. Between this and the earlier comment about why Robin is still in the competition while Hector isn't, I think it's time for someone to gently sit him down and explain how this whole thing works. Mike knows a lot more about cactus than most of the others, explaining to us that the way you get the goo out of the flesh is to cure it, as you would with salmon.

Mattin frets over the spines and goo, but thinks that he may somehow be able to pair the cactus with tequila. Laurine isn't sure how to highlight the cactus, so she's using it as a component in a style she's more comfortable with. Ash works on a sope, but can't find a tortilla press in the Kitchen. Man, if only there were a way to flatten things without a specialized piece of equipment! Ron has no idea what he's doing, but hopes to hide the cactus in a sauce. Everyone plates their food, and time runs out.

Padma and Tim go down the line. Laurine has put the cactus into a salsa, which she then put on top of an achiote-glazed pork chop. Kevin likes to make jams and marmalades. He has a cactus marmalade that he's used with pork tenderloin. Tim finds it kind of slimy. Kevin shrugs that he always finds cactus kind of slimy. I heard somewhere that you should cure it, as you would with salmon. Michael has made an avocado roll with a cactus coconut ceviche and a red cactus coulis. Ashley has taken a bit of a risk by turning the cactus into a dessert. She's made cactus jelly donuts with an orange creme anglaise. I have to say that of all the Quickfire dishes, this is the one I'd most want to try.

Mike has created a very appealing presentation of alternating tuna and cactus slabs. It's a cactus and tuna ceviche, accented with pipian (pumpkin seeds, basically). The side relish doesn't go over well, but Tim likes the rest. Ron has made chipotle swordfish with cactus sauce, and a mango/papaya/crab salad on the side. Bryan has a halibut and cactus ceviche with some tempura cactus. Two minor asides. Aside #1: That tempura is the second thing I'd want to try. Aside #2: I know time constraints must figure a lot into this, but enough with the goddamn ceviches, you guys. Ash has done a play on grilled cheese with the cactus. Frankly, it looks disgusting. Tim takes a bite, and judging from the look on his face, we won't have to wait until the results to know at least one person that'll end up in the bottom three. Jenc has made a warm chorizo and cactus salad with some queso fresco. Yum. Mattin has really gone whole hog with the cactus. There's a warm, red cactus puree, some breaded cactus, and halibut with lime/tequila-pickled cactus.

Results. First in the bottom three is Ash, unsurprisingly. Michael's dish was a trainwreck of flavors. That's impossible! Michael is one of the most talented chefs in this competition! Just ask Michael! Ron's fish was overcooked and the crab was almost rancid. Eeeeeeeew. Robin makes a face like, "Sucks to be him." Now, for the good news. Laurine had great flavors. Mike is announced, and he does the rock and roll fingers, because he can't even get good news without being obnoxious. Mattin also makes fists of jubilation when he makes the top tier, though in his case, it's more of a "Really? Yay!" gesture than a "Tremble in fear at my awesomeness!" one. He and Mike were the only two competitors to really showcase the cactus. As such, the winner is... Mike. And yeah, he's a tool, and I wouldn't want to hang out with him, but based on what I saw, he more than deserves it. Michael sniffs that while Mike certainly earned the win, he (meaning Michael) would rather put together good flavors than learn to take the goo out of cactus. Well, zero out of two ain't bad. Oh, wait. Yes, it is.

Commercials. One of the Real Housewives of Who Gives A Crap apparently has a "music" "career". Gwen Stefani had better watch her back.

Elimination Challenge. The chefs will be preparing lunch outdoors for Tim and twenty-four cowboys at a nearby ranch. The chefs may make anything they like, so long as it's high-end. As in the military challenge, the chefs don't know what equipment they'll have to work with. For an additional little kick in the pants, the chefs will be spending the night at the ranch. Jenc's mind is visibly whirling with ideas. The chefs will have an hour and fifteen minutes to get all the food ready. Shopping. Everyone tries to balance their lofty ideas for food with more practical ideas of what they'll have to cook with. Michael's poor placement in the Quickfire has not affected his ability to pat himself on the back at all.

After shopping, the chefs are driven to the ranch, where they discover tents set up around a bunch of fire pits. They act shocked, though I'd wager that most of them knew this was coming. There are a few pans, utensils, and utility ingredients, but not much. Michael carps that these aren't ideal conditions, either for the cooks or for the food. He's increasingly getting on my nerves, but I can't argue with that. We hear about the various outdoorsy experiences of some of the chefs, but they're all boring. Eli wants nothing to do with camping. Yes, sticking to the indoors is a proud tradition of our people. Ron sets up a formation of sticks that he tells Ash is a voodoo method of keeping snakes away from their tent. Ash shrugs that anything done to keep snakes away is something he can endorse.

That evening, around the fire, the possibility of getting attacked by wild animals is discussed. Someone worries about bears. "Bears? Bears are sweet!" Ash says, sending a secret coded joke out to all of the musical theater fans in the audience. It's one of my favorites! Everyone makes it a fairly early evening, tucking themselves into tents that don't really look big enough for two people. At least not for anyone that tends to thrash in their sleep. Not that I'm projecting.

Commercials. Who needs Whip It when you can experience the real thing?

Morning. Nobody's looking forward to a day of cooking hot food over open flames in a dusty, scorching desert. As everyone gets started, we're treated to a mini-montage of how frustrated and irritable everyone is. We could have seen more, but why would we want to watch something relevant to the challenge at hand when that would have cut into the five minutes of snide, condescending interviews from Michael tonight? RoboBryan says that as long as he sticks to his timeline, he'll be fine. Ashley hopes to even out the temperature of the open flame by covering the pit with cast iron pans. Mattin tells us that he's making three types of ceviche. Oh, goody. More ceviche. Plus, you'll remember that ceviche isn't really cooked, so this is Mattin's way of completely ignoring the spirit of the challenge. I guess it's Padma's fault for telling the chefs they could make anything they want.

Ron is also making a ceviche, while saying in the same breath that it's time for him to be on top after all his bottom-dwelling. I'd love to hear how the reasoning behind "I'm going to own this challenge by ignoring its theme" would go. He's using coconuts, and will spin the juice into a mojito to serve alongside his food. What he's actually spinning the juice into is Jenc's face. Michael complains about the challenge some more, then says he's making a play on dashi (kelp) with black cod. He ignores the whole cowboy part of the challenge, saying that a chef doesn't cook according to each customer's tastes. The chef just cooks the way he wants, and hopefully, people will like it. I guess a case could be made for or against that argument. I'd agree that there's only so much you can (or would want to) change about your style of cooking, but I'd also say that the entire point of this show is to see how the competitors can marry their individual styles with the parameters of each wacky challenge. In this case, it doesn't matter, because the challenge isn't "Make Southwestern food". If it were, though, I don't think Michael would be able to get away with a defense that essentially boils down to "I didn't feel like it." It sure didn't work for Tiffani.

Laurine, who often reads my mind, and is thus rising rapidly on my happy list, feels eminently comfortable with Southwestern flavors. She disdains Mattin and Ron, because people who have been spending a hot day on the ranch aren't anxious to sit down to a plate of ceviche. Nailed it! Robin says she avoided using pork or any type of barbecue because it was too "obvious". Given her recent placements, I'd say that obviously popular styles of food may do her some good right now. No sense going out on a limb when you're already on the verge of falling out of the tree. She works on a "drunken prawn" salad. Bryan makes pork loin on corn polenta with some dandelion greens. See? It sounds good and it fits the challenge. No need to focus on one at the expense of the other. Ashley is not enjoying standing over a fire pit on a bazillion-degree day, but is confident in her ability to cook a piece of halibut. Time runs out. A lot of people finish at the last second.

The cowboys arrive. Some look like what you'd think a cowboy would look like. Some look like they've just left the nearest biker bar. One looks like he's taking a break from being a software engineer. And here's a man and woman who look like they were taking a stroll through a botanical garden on a date, and accidentally wound up here. The food is presented. Mike has made a pork gyro, which he gives a hard G, and pronounces to rhyme with "pyro". I was all set to make fun of him for it, but remembered that there's apparently all sorts of variations on that word. Damn it. He serves it with an apple and fennel tzatziki. There's another chef who's lucky the challenge didn't specify regional cuisine. I wish it had, because as it stands, "Make whatever, and feel free to ignore the fire pits" is extremely boring. Eli's made a tuna sandwich with sun-dried tomato mayo and a radish salad. Laurine has fully embraced Southwestern flavors with her sauteed Arctic char with a tomatillo salsa, a corn salsa, and a grilled potato. The judges dig in. Mike stayed in his Greek food rut, and while the gyro tasted fine, it's nothing to write home about. Laurine's food is flavorful, and she actually used the grill as intended. Eli's dish is a wad of blah.

Ash presents a grilled chicken paillard (quickly-cooked, thinly-sliced meat) with a corn succotash. The chicken has been brined and braised with bourbon. Mattin has made a trio of ceviches. There's salmon with apple, spicy tuna, and cod with corn. Robin yells that she's made a grilled romaine salad with spicy chicken sausage and the drunken prawns, that I guess have been stewed in alcohol, though we never hear what kind. The judges start with Mattin's ceviche. Tim is immediately unimpressed, but is outdone by Ptom, who walks a few steps away from the table and spits it out. He out-and-out calls it gross. Unaware of this, Mattin makes a triumphant gesture, convinced that he's hit this one out of the park. Joining him in Grossville is Robin, whose shrimp taste like chlorine, according to Tim. Spew. Unlike Mattin, she knows she's in big trouble. She hadn't tasted the prawns until the judges were already served, and agrees that they're terrible. Ash's chicken is so-so, and his succotash has too much bacon grease, but it benefits from being compared to Mattin and Robin's food, which was awful.

Bryan has followed through on his promise to make roasted pork loin on corn polenta, dandelion greens, and oyster mushrooms. There is also some glazed rutabaga on the side. Jenc has made snapper with a duck confit, all of which is on top of a daikon/carrot/spiced tomato water salad. Ashley has been inspired by a club sandwich, and has made seared halibut with avocado mousse, served on a bed of bacon, tomato, and braised romaine lettuce. The judges say that Bryan's dish is not only appropriate, but perfectly cooked. They also realize the technical challenge of the components he was able to put together. Jenc's slaw is great, and her meat is cooked well. Tim is less impressed than the other judges. Gail says that Ashley's plate is the best food she's made so far. The cowboys enjoy it as well.

Michael gives his cod to a woman who asks if he's got an Asian cooking background. "I've got an everything cooking background," he smarms. Where did this Michael come from, and is it too late to exchange him for the one in the first four episodes? He's made dashi with miso- and mirin-cured black cod, served with watermelon. Though he may be ratcheting up to a new level of assy, that does sound very good. Ron has a tuna ceviche with coconut, lime, and mango, served with a Haitian coconut mojito. The ceviche and drink are served in the two halves of the coconut shell, which is neat. Kevin has roasted duck breast with a pseudo-mole, tops it with a bit of "cold salad" (the components are never mentioned), and finishes with some tequila-marinated watermelon. Interesting. The judges like Ron's ceviche, though Ptom finds it sweet. Nobody likes the cocktail. The word "disgusting" is tossed out. Michael's dish is unexpectedly refreshing and tasty. Kevin's dish is very visually appealing, and has good flavors as well. The meal dispensed with, Padma suggests getting everyone out of the heat. Everyone is only too happy to comply.

Interstitial. Kevin is good at horseshoes. Aren't you happy with the scintillating extra content they give us each week?

Judges' Table. Back at the fret 'n sweat, the chefs agree that something smelled spoiled when they opened the coolers this morning. There's a shot of Robin, so I guess that's why her shrimp sucked so much. Padma comes back to the Kitchen, and asks Laurine, Ashley, Michael, and Bryan to join the judges. Kevin, Mike, and Ron look bitter. Or maybe they're just worried. Padma congratulates the top four on having the favorite dishes of the day. Ptom asks Ashley if being on this end isn't much better than being down at the bottom, and she smilingly agrees. Her fish was cooked perfectly in a difficult environment. Bryan's dish was focused, and was restaurant-worthy food, while still being suited to the desert environment. Laurine knew how to use the grill to her advantage. Tim gives her a backhanded compliment when he tells her that her food's simplicity is what made it shine. Michael wanted to do something non-traditional, given what he knew at the time about the challenge. Ptom liked the flavors, especially because of how unique his components were. Tim gets to announce the challenge's winner, and it is... Bryan, who has won three out of five Elimination Challenges. Wowsers. Not "Wowsers" to winning three out of five challenges, though that is impressive. "Wowsers" to the fact that his face actually cracks into a smile for once.

Bryan gets tepid applause back in the Kitchen. He tries to comfort Michael by complimenting his dish. I don't think Michael's ego really needs the stroking. Ashley tells the chefs that the judges want to see Robin, Ron, and Mattin. She wishes them luck as they trudge out the door. Robin tells the judges that she wanted to do a play on steak and barbecue. Tim points out that it's ridiculous to even attempt to equate sausage and shrimp with barbecued steak. Gail says the shrimp was so bad, the judges worried about the wisdom of eating it. Ouch. Robin admits that she didn't put out good food, and isn't the least surprised to be standing where she is. Mattin, on the other hand, says that he was happy with his food, and doesn't get why he's in the losing group. Ptom tells him that chunks of his cod were raw, and that the overall plate was really poorly constructed. Tim thinks Mattin's food actively made him ill. Double ouch. Ron is here because they need a third name to round out the bottom. That's obviously not what they say, but it is clearly the reason that he's there. His food was fine (if a tad sweet), but the ancillary drink was nasty. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. Ron's ceviche was okay, but his drink was horrible. Tim didn't like the food's presentation, either, which I find silly. I think the coconut shell was clever. The real loser comes down to Mattin and Robin, both of whom gave the judges nearly inedible food. Robin's components had promise, but she didn't know how to put them together at all. She knew her food was bad, but didn't compensate for it. We know that's because she didn't realize it was bad until after the judges got it, but perhaps the judges themselves don't know that. For all that Robin did poorly, she at least knew it was poor, which makes Mattin's disaster even more confusing, since he loved it. That lack of awareness counts more against him than anything. The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. As with last week, there is such an outlier that any suspense is instantly killed. There's bad food, and there's bad food that the chef thinks was just super. Yes, Mattin and his neckerchief will be sailing into the sunset tonight. The judges wish him luck. In his final interview, he admits that maybe ceviche wasn't the best idea when presented with a challenge to serve cowboys, but aside from that, doesn't seem to have taken a single other thing away from this experience. Yawn. What else is on?

Overall Grade: C

Italian. Wedding. Soup.

Top Chef - Season 5, Episode 5

Ah, what could be better than being joined with your soulmate in wedded bliss? How about having a bridal shower and having your bosses pick up the tab? That shrewd Gail Simmons parlays her judge status into a free party by agreeing to have the chefs cater her bridal shower.

First, in the Quickfire, the chefs compete tournament style to see who can identify the most sauce ingredients. It's a very cool challenge, and Hosea emerges victorious.

Then, the chefs are split into four teams for the bridal shower challenge, and are tasked with finding inspiration in Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, or Something Blue. That old chestnut is tonight's theme. Well, actually, the theme is how assy Stefan is, as Jamie, Hosea, Jeff, Leah, Stefan's twice-ex-wife, or the editors would be happy to tell you. But the poem is the secondary theme, and it throws more than one contestant for a loop.

Teams Old (Jeff/Stefan/Hosea) and Borrowed (Jamie/Ariane/Radhika) ultimately land in the top two, with Ariane scoring a surprise and seemingly undeserved win, much to Jamie's chagrin. Teams New (Eugene/Daniel/Carla) and Blue (Melissa/Leah/Fabio) sink to the bottom. The former's dish is just a complete mess from top to bottom. Eugene makes conceptual mistakes and gunks up his rice, Daniel screws up Carla's portion of the dish, and Carla refuses to attack her teammates. Ptom considers all three of these things unforgivable, though I'll bet you can spot the one that doesn't belong. In the end, Daniel takes a walk for just not getting it, and tortures us with a never-ending sports metaphor on his way out.

Do It Like a Madman

The Amazing Race - Season 13, Episode 5

Is it really only episode five? I feel like I've been watching this season since my bar mitzvah. So...remember when Jason and Lorena started the leg way behind everyone else, and clearly had no shot in hell of catching up, and how boring that was? And they were only a couple of hours behind. In this leg, everyone manages to equalize themselves on their trip to Cambodia except Aja and Ty, who are so far behind, they may be doing tasks on a different day.

In other words, it totally doesn't matter if Terence and Sarah get stopped for speeding and their boat breaks down (which they do, and it does). And it totally doesn't matter if the moronic divorcees screw up yet another Detour (which they do). And it totally doesn't matter if the Fratties flail around and Dan whines yet some more (which they do, and he does). Aja and Ty are so far behind, that by the time they check in at the mat, the other teams have probably started the next leg. They get the booting that has been obviously been coming from minute one of this leg, and Ty promises to move to LA to make the relationship work. That's nice. Now, about this race. When will it become "Amazing", as promised?

Overall Grade: C-

Beautiful Disaster

America's Next Top Model - Season 11, Episode 5

Previously on America's Next Top Model: Samantha insulted the designer of the runway show with her crotch-grabbing moves, but didn't suck enough to save Hannah and her moose walk. Joining her in elimination was Isis, who may be able to rock a hormone shot, but not a camera. Nine girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

As predicted, Clark is entirely too self-satisfied with herself from last week, while Samantha panics about being in the bottom two. Tonight's theme is Marjorie's pessimism. Settle in, you'll be hearing a lot about it.

For the general challenge, Paulina has the girls dress in ill-fitting clothes and tells them to make the outfit appear more form-fitting through the use of clips, tape, and the ancient art of sticking soda cans down your pants. Samantha alters her outfit too much, and gets chewed out, while Marjorie almost breaks down into tears because she wasn't top-notch. Paulina is surprisingly understanding, explaining that looking for the negative in everything is a very European attitude that she and Marjorie have in common. Samantha isn't buying, saying in interview that now that Marjorie is in America, she'd better get a bunch of inflated self-esteem like the rest of us. McKey wins the challenge, scoring fifty extra frames for the photo shoot. Back at the pad, Samantha tells Marjorie she needs to get the hell over her insecurity already, which was equal parts bitchy and true.

At the photo shoot, OJ pops out in swamp monster gear for no conceivable reason, but every minute he doesn't appear as himself is a good one. The girls will be shot as giantesses causing natural disasters around a tiny set of LA. It sounds stupid, and kind of is, but the mod, Cate Archer hair and outfits really suit a lot of the girls. Elina gives a good angry face as an earthquake, Marjorie is angular as she causes a traffic jam (I guess they ran out of inspiration midway through the brainstorming session), and Samantha makes a very pretty, pouty tidal wave. Sheena the sandstorm, Lauren Brie the snowstorm, and McKey the heatwave are all fine, and Analeigh continues to be a colossal bore. Clark is over-confident, and her blackout shot sucks. Unfortunately, so does Joslyn the rockslide. Samantha is called first, and is happy to have climbed the ranks. Joslyn and Clark fall to the final two, and in a stunning move, Joslyn's more palatable personality saves her, so the mere fact that Clark is a tedious chore of a girl gets her axed. Awesome. I wonder what will happen to a season with no outstanding candidate for Bitch. Maybe one of the other girls will morph into the role. Back to the Future fadeout.

Overall Grade: B+

The Ew Lagoon

Project Runway - Season 5, Episode 5

This week, the designers are tasked with making a garment for a high-powered, chic woman, whom we already know is Brooke Shields from last week's preview. What we didn't know is that this outfit should be a day-to-evening look for her character on that show that nobody I know watches, and was inexplicably picked up for a second season. The winning designer won't get immunity, but Brooke will wear the outfit on the air, thereby ensuring that the designer's work will be seen by at least thirteen people. As an added "twist", the designers work in teams of two. They all pitch their ideas to Brooke, who then selects six of them to be team leaders.

Blayne is chosen (probably because Brooke is afraid he'll eat her liver if he weren't), and picks Leanne as his teammate. Keith dazzles Brooke with talk of ruffles, and selects Kenley. Terri wows Brooke with pants, and selects Suede. Brooke enjoys Korto's color palette, and Korto picks Joe. Kelli promises a sophisticated top, and picks Daniel. That leaves Jerell with Stella.

As with most team challenges, the kids can't play nice together, though Jerell and Stella are a surprising exception. Korto accuses Joe of backstabbing her to Tim (though they talk it out afterwards). Kelli won't accept Daniel's lopsided mess of a skirt. Terri becomes four kinds of awesome when she questions Suede's genitals and swears that she won't allow him to suckle at her teat. Kenley and her buttoned-down aesthetic try to reign in Keith's preoccupation with flutter. Leanne keeps her mouth shut and allows Blayne to misjudge the entire challenge, as he's done pretty much every week. Something good does come of the conflict, as Joe's concerns convince Korto to pull in a jacket that was looking very Golden Girls - Season 2, and Terri/Suede make some improvements to a top that can only get incrementally better, thanks to some fugly fabric.

Limecrete: "I think it's impossible to make that fabric look good."
Ana Warpath: "Yeah, that's some serious Fashion Bug shit right there."

On the runway, a lot of the looks come out better than expected. Korto and Joe have made their dress look less saggy and shapeless, except around the bustline, which is awful. Kelli and Daniel's is blah. Keith and Kenley's is okay, but I don't think the top and bottom match, color-wise. Terri and Suede's is as good as that nasty fabric can get. Blayne's design is the least tacky thing he's ever made, but it in no way adheres to the challenge. If this week were about beach-wear, he'd be in good shape, but businesswomen attend neither their jobs nor their evening parties in shorts. Jerell and Stella actually pull out a very cool garment, which blows me away, considering they're individually responsible for this:

And this:

In the end, Jerell/Stella and Keith/Kenley are the top two teams, with Keith getting an extremely undeserved win. Kelli and Daniel's outfit is declared a lot tackier than I think it is (though it certainly doesn't wow me), and they wind up in the bottom with Blayne and Leanne. Kelli does her best to get Daniel auf'd, saying that even if the design wasn't to the judges' tastes, she's got a hell of a lot more potential than Daniel (which, yeah). Daniel, sounding more and more like Kip with every passing week, snots that he has impeccable taste, which causes Kenley to crack up with contempt. Awesome. As usual, none of the construction was bad enough to lay the blame on the helpers, so Daniel and Leanne are declared safe. Leave it to Blayne to make his least horrible outfit this week, causing Kelli to be chopped. Boo! Blayne ruins everything.

Overall Grade: B+

The Elements

Top Chef - Season 4, Episode 5

Previously on Top Chef: Movie-inspired food. Richard stepped up and took charge, which worked out well for his team. There's no way Richard being in charge of a team could ever go awry! Spike talked Manuel into making Vietnamese food. Antonia and Zoi chose an impossible movie to translate into food, and paid the price by being summoned to the losers' table. Both survived when Manuel, who had clearly been toast since the first episode, got chopped for taking too much of a backseat. Twelve chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. Aside from the usual assortment of cheeses, crackers, meats, and wines, I opted for health, and brought some sliced bell peppers. Then shot health to hell by dipping them in ranch dressing.

Morning in Chicago. Industrious people are already out and busy, while the chefs are still stirring themselves from bed. Antonia and Zoi are really pissed to have been in the bottom for the last challenge, and Jennifer also leaps to Zoi's defense. As I said last week, I agree that being in the bottom for a weak story is not grounds for elimination, but someone had to be in the bottom two, and everyone else had good food AND a good story. You're both still safe. Time to get over it. Ryan herds everyone out of the house, and very charmingly grins that it's time for someone else to go, then mouths "not me". I admit I'm easy, and would probably sneer at Dale doing the same thing. Amazingly, nothing in this first segment makes it completely obvious who's getting cut tonight. You mean suspense is a good thing? Who woulda thunk it? Quickfire Challenge. The chefs come into the Kitchen, where they're met by Padma and Ming Tsai, who will hopefully not be as much of a dick this time. Lisa tells us she's a big fan of his East-meets-West style of cuisine.

Panny: "That thing in her eyebrow bugs me."

Padma tells the chefs that this round is all about good taste, and Ming emphasizes that a chef with a poor palate will never be a great success. I wish they could take some time to explain what they think is the difference between a good palate and matters of taste and opinion, but I suppose that would cut into the high drama of pointless bitching. Um...spoiler. Padma tells everyone that it's time to test how sensitive their palates are, and whips out a blindfold. The chefs giggle. Antonia is extremely excited, interviewing that the blindfold test is her favorite kind of Quickfire. This blindfold test is a little different than in seasons past. The chefs will taste pairs of ingredients. One will be high-quality gourmet, and the other, cheap swill. The chefs will have twenty seconds to identify which of the items is woefully overpriced, and the one who gets the most right, gets immunity. Andrew parrots Ming's line about how important a good palate is, but points out that being blindfolded throws an extra wrench into the works.

The chefs go one by one into a dramatically lit Kitchen. Ryan gets syrup and bacon correct. Padma has a bit of an issue pulling the blindfold down over Stephanie's frizzy hair. Stephanie gets crab incorrect, picking the one that's $4.99/lb over the one that's $24.99/lb. This is what I meant about the difference between palate and taste. Is it a fact that Stephanie has bad taste in crab? Or is it that crab is crab, and no matter if you buy it at the Try 'n' Save or Pierre's Gourmet House of Crustaceans, it's essentially the same meat? Actually, crab is a bad example, as any boy from Baltimore could easily tell the difference, but you get what I'm saying. Dale gets chocolate correct. Lisa misses one, but gets butter and Cheddar cheese correct. Dale gets the Asian ingredients right, but misses caviar. Jennifer gets pork correct. Mark misses something. Richard gets something. He even gets olive oil, which is impressive. It's not like people take swigs from the bottle. At least I don't. I don't presume to know your life. He interviews that coming in the bottom three in this challenge would be a big embarrassment. Antonia comes at the challenge with calm confidence. She tastes the two ingredients with separate fingers, and gets something correct. Zoi gets something. Andrew misses something. Sake, maybe?

The chefs gather for the results. The lowest score was six out of fifteen. Ouch. I think I could get six out of fifteen. That score goes to Stephanie, who never seems content to place in the middle of challenges. She either excels or sucks mightily. She shrugs off never having won immunity. I'd worry more about my bosses hearing I can barely tell any foods apart. There is a tie for runner-up, with eleven out of fifteen. That goes to Ryan and Jennifer. Zoi says she's a little irritated with Jen beating her, as she'd like to have bragging rights. Zoi, based on challenge placement so far this season, I wouldn't count on it. The winner got twelve out of fifteen. It's Antonia, which Ming pronounces with a melodramatically-intoned Italian accent. Has he been watching Golden Girls reruns, too? There was more mangled Italian in that show than there is at Mama Campisis's. Don't ever go there, St. Louisans. Bleh. Antonia is happy to win, giving herself a little pat on the back in interview. Padma reminds her that she's got immunity in the Elimination Challenge, which is coming up...

Right now! The challenge is to cook for a celebrity chef charity ball, benefitting Meals on Wheels. Chicago's cooking elite will be preparing the second through fourth courses, but the contestants will be making the first course. Stephanie "six-out-of-fifteen" Izard says that people who go to these events are used to very high-quality ingredients. Ming says the most important thing to remember is to keep things simple. The theme of the event is "The Four Elements", so the chefs' food will be inspired by Earth, Air, Fire, or Water. Once again, we head to the trusty knife block to divide everyone into teams. They shake out to be:

Air: Nikki, Jennifer, and Ryan
Earth: Antonia, Spike, and Zoi
Fire: Lisa, Dale, and Stephanie
Water: Andrew, Richard, and Mark

Padma gives the chefs fifteen minutes to plan the menu. That is a brutally short amount of time. They have to figure out an inspiration, guess at what will stay in the budget, and figure out what's able to be executed properly for eighty people in fifteen minutes? Yikes. Padma and Ming leave them to it, and the chefs clump into their teams. Richard suggests raw fish. Jennifer suggests duck or chicken for Air, which makes sense. Although chickens don't really take to the air. Except that one time. Nikki wants to add a bit more imagination than just using a bird. Over at Earth, Spike suggests butternut squash soup. That's a good idea. Antonia disagrees, because the theme of this challenge is good taste, and she worries soup isn't fancy enough. However, "if you two are totally into soup, I will make a fucking good soup with you". You know, just in case that statement needs to be entered into evidence later or anything. Um...spoiler. Spike frets that being on a team with someone who has immunity is nerve-wracking. Antonia thinks making carpaccio is much more elegant. Oof. She's losing the thread of the challenge again. Last week, she concentrated on the food so much, she lost sight of the movie aspect. And here she is again, talking about carpaccio, which has absolutely no connection to Earth.

Stephanie thinks techniques that use fire could figure into their inspiration. Dale suggests a warm beef tartare. Yes, Dale. That's what would bring "fire" to my mind: Raw meat. Lisa tells him she's not a fan of this idea, and he persists in saying that they could wrap it around a deviled egg. That is the worst idea I've ever heard. Fire is probably the easiest element to drive food inspiration, and his grand idea is a deviled fucking egg? Weak. Of course, I wouldn't bring it up if he weren't going to get offended when someone else supposedly steals his thunder later. Um...spoiler. Stephanie actually likes the egg idea, which lowers her in my estimation considerably. Thankfully for them, Lisa refuses to go along with it, which causes Dale to interview that she's a "negative person", so he won't be able to work well with her. Yes, Dale, who plays pool alone because he "wants to remove himself from the human side of the competition". Dale, who shreds his teammates' food, agrees to serve it, then removes himself from any responsibility for its quality. He just can't work with those negative people! Stephanie worries about Lisa-the-strong-personality and Dale-the-self-proclaimed-asshole butting heads. When time runs out, they still haven't settled on anything.

Commercials. Remember way back when Jet Li said he wasn't going to do any more kung fu type of movies? Guess somebody got a nice, cold splash of reality.

Richard reminds us what the challenge is, as the chefs wander into Whole Foods with $500 and forty-five minutes to shop. Most of the teams still haven't fully conceived their dishes. Richard suggests buying fish to poach in a water bath. Team Air heads straight for the duck, while Team Fire bickers in the front of the store about what they're going to do. Dale suggests rubbing beef tenderloin with hot spices. Getting there. Certainly better than the egg idea. Lisa likes the idea of spice, but wants to do an Asian-style dish. Dale doesn't like that idea. Stephanie works on being as inconspicuous as possible. Lisa interviews that Ming Tsai is the first guest judge who cooks in a style that she's comfortable with, so she's really dead-set on Asian.

Spike passively asks Antonia if they're going to get screwed for just doing carpaccio, vinaigrette, and salad. Antonia says they won't, because they're focusing on high-quality ingredients. Spike makes it clear that he's not on board with the idea they're riding. He interviews that since Antonia has immunity, she should probably take more of a backseat in the planning of this challenge. We never see him step up and tell Antonia this. I agree with him that letting someone with immunity bulldoze you into a concept you're not comfortable with is a bad idea, but beyond mentioning that he's not loving the dish idea, he's not pressing it any further. Scratch that, he also passively asks if they think it would be too much to add a shot of butternut squash soup on the side. Antonia wonders if the soup would go with the carpaccio. Zoi doesn't really take a side. Spike... Hold on. I can't go any further without mentioning this monstrosity of a hat. I could put up with the jaunty fedoras, and I could put up with the Dick Tracy hat, but Spike is now wearing a ballcap made out of straw. No, really. Any place that would manufacture and sell such an item must be called the House of Tools. Anyway, he interviews that he's essentially giving up on convincing the ladies to do anything different for the course.

Team Fire hears that Team Earth is doing carpaccio, and instead of laughing their asses off that their competitors are making something so antithetical to their element, they decide to rethink their course AGAIN. Lisa is freaking out that they have no real idea what they're doing. Dale wishes she'd relax. Stephanie comes up with an idea to do a spicy shrimp, and when Dale mentions making a spicy chili pepper salad to go with it, everyone's on board. Lisa goes to grab some bacon. Everyone scurries around to grab their last-minute purchases, and checks out.

The next day, the chefs walk into the building where the event is being held, and the kitchen provided for them is enormous. They get going on their two and a half hours of prepping and cooking time. Antonia starts prepping the vegetables and fungi for their dish, interviewing that she'll contribute 100% to this challenge, despite her immunity. Spike thinly slices the filet, while Zoi is in charge of marinating and finishing off the mushrooms. Spike interviews that while this wasn't his idea, he has to show that he's just as enthusiastic about this dish as he'd be about his own idea for butternut squash soup. Richard starts on his sous-vide poached salmon. Mark makes a parsnip/vanilla puree, while Andrew makes a salad and does the same faux caviar he made last week. Team Fire grills their shrimp. Lisa is in charge of smoking the bacon, and Dale throws together a chili salad. Lisa explains she has a special method for making bacon. All the fat sides face the same direction, so that when the meat cooks, the bacon fuses into a solid layer that can be cut any which way. She's also making a special glaze that will provide an interesting miso flavor.

Team Air is working on duck breast, herb salad, and they'll also be serving a shot of Prosecco. Jennifer interviews that since this is an Elimination Challenge, the food needs to be spot-on. She's cooking the duck breast, and making sure each one is done perfectly. Lisa crabs because Nikki's equipment is in Team Fire's station. Nikki doesn't really seem to hear her, but Dale sure does, which gives us another opportunity to hear about how he just can't abide those negative people. Lisa admits in interview that she can certainly be that bitch everyone hates, but the food won't be served until it's perfect. Nikki interviews... And again we must stop, because what in the holy hell is going on with her hair? Does she have a Carmela Soprano audition later? Anyway, she thinks that Ryan is getting frazzled, because he forgot to reserve some pomegranate juice for the... Pomeranian? That can't be what she said. Ah, the closed captioning is under the impression that she said "Pomerini", but since the web is curiously silent on what that entails, I'm going with Pomeranian. It'd certainly make for a more interesting drink. Nikki finds something else to juice (limes, maybe), but pauses to chide Ryan for cursing. Jeez, if she can't handle some swearing, it's no wonder she fell apart in the first Quickfire.

Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste. He asks Spike what it's like working with Antonia and Zoi. Spike glows insincerely about how nice it is to work with women. If you have this episode taped, it's worth going back to watch Antonia's expression upon hearing this. Nearest translation: "You could not be more full of shit if you tried." After ascertaining who's in charge of cooking what, Ptom moves on to Team Water, where Richard and Andrew suck up to an embarrassing degree. Ptom doesn't buy into it. After giving us his impressions (not worth the keystrokes), the chefs go into their usual flurry of chaos, which is bit more hard-edged than before. The goodwill is draining fast. Zoi sighs that challenges involve a lot of compromise.

Commercials. Ooh, I want to win that block party hosted by Casey! Now I just need to figure out how to win without technically entering or putting forth any effort whatsoever.

When we return, the party's in full swing. The chefs plate up in the kitchen. Richard's not used to plating eighty pieces of fish at once, so he's more nervous than usual. Right before they transfer the fish to the plates, Andrew spots some scales that weren't caught when Richard cleaned it. Richard says they'll just recheck the fish as they move it. Ptom addresses the guests out front. One lady is very Catherine Keeneresque. A fleet of waiters moves into the kitchen, ready to go. Spike thinks Zoi's mushrooms are underseasoned, but she's happy with them. Time runs out.

Team Water's plates are taken out first. They've made sous-vide poached salmon with faux caviar, the parsnip/vanilla puree, and a watercress salad. Andrew continues to worry about the scales, as well he should. The judges find plenty on their plates. Ming seems to be impressed by the faux caviar, but the other judges have been there, done that. Ptom says that there are foods that are good when put through the sous-vide method, but salmon's not one of them. Team Fire's plates are served. They've got their grilled shrimp on a pickled chili salad, some deviled aioli, and miso-smoked bacon. Everyone enjoys the shrimp. Ptom appears to gear up for a snit about how they're kind of spicy, but another diner points out that, duh, this is Team Fire. Other diners also enjoy the kick the spice gave. Team Air's food goes out. It's duck breast with a citrus salad, and a pomegranate Prosecco aperitif. Nikki's fairly proud of the food they put out, but the judges aren't as thrilled. Gail and Ming aren't happy that the fat isn't rendered, and Ptom's not a fan of the recent little-drink-with-food trend. Team Earth's food goes out. It's beef carpaccio with a mushroom salad, and a sunchoke aioli. Gail disapproves of the use of rosemary. Jeez, if ever find myself cooking for Gail, remind me to never make anything with rosemary. All the judges find the plate bland, and not a bit earthy. Spike reminds us that he isn't on-board with his team's concepts.

A random diner happily says that if she were in charge, someone from Team Earth would definitely be going home. The lady sitting next to her says "Ouch!" Those two are having fun. The diners actually do get a say. They fill out comment cards, which will be taken into account by the judges. The judges discuss their impressions. Gail and Padma agree that Team Fire's dish was terrific, especially the bacon. Team Water's cooking method was ill-advised, and their fish had scales on it. Team Air was blah, but Gail did enjoy their citrus salad. Team Earth was roundly disappointing, and the mushrooms had almost no seasoning. Ptom says that seasoning food properly is a basic skill, so that bugged him more than anything else. The judges head out. Back in the kitchen, Teams Earth and Fire are feeling good about themselves, but Richard senses danger for Team Water. They pack up, and head back to the Kitchen for their usual fret 'n' sweat.

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Judges' Table. Alcohol is passed around the Kitchen. Richard worries. Padma comes back, and summons Team Fire to the table. Padma congratulates them on being the top team, and they exchange high tens and hugs. Stephanie explains that the dish's concept took them a while, and really came together while they were shopping. Dale explains his idea for the chili salad, but the judges ignore him in favor of praising Stephanie's shrimp and Lisa's bacon. Ptom compliments all of them for melding their individual components into one great dish. Padma tells them that the team member who Ming feels is most responsible for their success will win a five-night trip for two to Italy. Nice! Ming says it's a tough choice, but while all three components tasted good, Lisa's tasted good AND showed an imaginative, impressive technique, so she wins. Heh, where was Lisa the Technique Queen last week? She's thrilled to win.

Dale's interview must be related verbatim: "She made bacon. And she gets a trip to Italy? Are you fucking kidding me? I'm bitter." Ya think? Good thing you abhor negative people! I'm not sure what bugs me most. 1) He's implying that she just tossed bacon strips into the oven, then onto a plate, like she works at Denny's or something. Her technique was obviously more refined than that. 2) Even if her bacon had been simple, he...chopped up chili peppers and marinated them. Oooh, Julia Child's got nothing on you! 3) If Lisa hadn't spoken up early and decisively, Dale would have served a deviled egg, been deservedly excoriated, and wound up at the losers' table. Lisa is most definitely the person who guided this team to the win, and has pretty much earned the prize on that score alone. Go nurse your wounded ego back at the house, Dale. Your naked insecurity tires me.

Padma asks Team Fire to send back some of their colleagues. Lisa's win is applauded in the Kitchen, and she tells Teams Earth and Water that they're headed to the losers' table. The losing teams are wished luck. Dale sulks some more. Odd Asian music. Gong. The judges start with Team Water. Naturally, as Richard was not only team leader, but the one who cleaned the fish, he's the one that's in trouble. Half the people at the judges' dinner table had scales on their fish, which is a much bigger issue than just missing a few. The judges also point out their texture issues with sous-vide salmon, although that's more a matter of taste. Andrew's faux caviar technique was nice, but needed more flavor. Mark made the parsnip puree, and Ptom says he doesn't understand what it was even doing on the plate. He asks Mark what it was meant to accomplish, and there's an awkward silence. Mark eventually says that he thinks the parsnip's flavor complements salmon well. Ptom disagrees, saying it didn't add to the dish at all.

On to Team Earth. Antonia is asked if she, with her wonderfully immune palate, tasted everything before it went out. She did, and says that she thought it tasted great. Ptom says that the entire dish was bland and underseasoned. They're asked what they each did. Spike sliced the carpaccio and made the aioli, Zoi made the mushrooms and salad, and Antonia did the prep work. Ming says again that everything needed more seasoning, and Zoi explains that it probably came about because they didn't want to overpower the meat. She also says that she generally has a heavy hand when it comes to seasoning, and didn't taste anything off in the mushrooms. Gail says that the one flavor that came through was the rosemary, which was too potent. Well, did everything need more seasoning or did something need less? Make up your minds, please. Spike says they should have added some lemon or something.

Padma asks how they conceptualized the dish. Spike mentions his initial idea for butternut squash soup, and Antonia admits that she was totally against that idea. Padma wonders why Antonia had that much of a say, since she had immunity, and Antonia says that having immunity didn't stop her from voicing an opinion. Spike actually interrupts her to snap that no, it sure didn't stop her at all. I really can't fathom why he did that. She's immune; he's not going to get the judges to turn against her. Plus, he's standing at losers' table, and she's openly admitting that she drove the dish's concept. Wouldn't that be a good thing from Spike's standpoint? Weirdo. The judges twist the knife by saying that soup would have been a brilliant (and much more earthy) idea. Ming blahs something about how making a good soup is the test of a good cook in France. How utterly irrelevant, thank you. Ptom becomes an unusual voice of reason when he says that making beef carpaccio isn't an issue, but making a bad one is. The chefs are dismissed.

Back in the Kitchen, the first thing out of Spike's mouth is that they should have made butternut squash soup. So he's overlooking what Ptom just said in order to bolster his case. Handy. I happen to agree with him that his idea was better. But you can't have an idea, willingly back off of it, and then be all "Takesies backsies! You should have listened to me!" when things don't work out. He actually lands close to the problem when he tells the others that he was too nice, and should have pushed for what he wanted to do. Not that doing that helped him out so much last week. Richard is convinced he's dead meat, thanks to the lackluster, scaly salmon. Jennifer rubs Zoi's shoulder, and tries to bolster her confidence. The judges rehash their deliberations. Fish scales. Salmon texture. The diners' comment cards rated Team Earth the lowest, and Ptom says that he'd love to get rid of both Spike and Zoi, because they allowed someone with immunity to dictate the concept. Apparently, Ptom HIMSELF has forgotten what he just said about the concept being fine, but the execution being off. Never mind what I said about him being the voice of reason; he's as tooly as ever. If there's a Top Chef Catch-22 I hate almost as much as "You don't take enough risks! You should have stuck to your strengths!", it's this. "You take too much of a backseat! You can't work well with others!" Anyway, Zoi's mushrooms were crap, and the mushrooms were the basis for the entire dish. The judges reach a decision.

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Elimination. Team Water's dish sounded good on paper, but didn't work out in execution. Team Earth's dish wasn't earthy, and the judges agreed with the diners that it was the worst of the four. As you'll see, there's minimal time for chitchat, so we go straight to Padma for the cut. Zoi. Please pack your knives and go. Spike gives her a hug. Antonia looks stricken. In her final interview, Zoi says that her life is based on cooking, not competing. That's a good point, and I'm sure people who are competent when given time to think things through may not be able to perform in a stressful, competitive environment. I'm certainly one of them. But then, there's a really easy way to avoid contests like these, and that is to not sign up for them. The chefs in the Kitchen are shocked to hear that Zoi's been eliminated, though I don't really see why. This is her third losers' table in a row. Richard and Antonia wipe away tears, though they may be tears of relief. I'm not sure Richard's the emotional farewell type. Zoi very calmly tells everyone that it's fine. She did her thing, and it wasn't the right fit for the judges. She gives Jennifer a smooch, and interviews that it was great to compete as a couple. After everyone gives her a fond good-bye, Zoi packs up to go, saying that it's still a good life, all things considered. Now there's a healthy attitude.

But enough of all this good cheer! Spike picks now to yell at Antonia that she should have taken a backseat on this challenge. Not during the planning stage. Not during the shopping. Now. And again, I agree with him on substance, but what the hell good does it do once the elimination is over? Antonia argues back that she said she'd be willing to do a soup, which Spike denies. They fight in this vein for a while, until Antonia nails his coffin shut by pointing out that she said she'd do soup on film. And...whoopsie, Spike! She did. It certainly wasn't a heartfelt endorsement of soup, but she said she'd go along with it if he really wanted. Now, Jennifer starts yelling at Spike for putting his teammate in the ground, which I don't understand at all. What did Spike have to do with getting Zoi eliminated? Then, Dale yells at...Spike, I think? Who the fuck knows? Spike yells back at Jennifer that he's sure she'd prefer he go home over her girlfriend, but tough. And, point. Zoi seems like a nice woman, but she wasn't exactly burning up the competition. Dale yells some more.

Then, Lisa yells at Dale that he's just making things worse. Already embarrassed by the fact that Lisa saved his bacon, then won with hers, Dale yells back about how she bitches and moans about everything. Not like him. When I think "Dale", "cheery good humor" is always the next thing to spring to mind. Oh, and Dale does that thing when people want you to think that they've got street cred, and comes thisclose to cupping his crotch with his hand. You know how Andrew was being all wigga a couple of weeks ago?

Limecrete: "What's he doing? Is he trying to be a wigga? But not white? Is he an ai-gga?"
Tiffany: "He's being a chigga."

Lisa ignores him. Jennifer kicks a chair. Lady, did you think both of you would win together? And...the scene ends, along with any hope Zoi had of being remembered in the episode she went home for. She'll be sure to thank her girlfriend for that one.

Overall Grade: B-