Thornfield

Welcome to What'ere, Jane Eyre! Once in a while, I'll get questions about this odd hobby of mine, so I figured it'd be nice to have a handy reference guide. Let's get to it!

GENERAL INFO

I'm sorry. "What'ere, Jane Eyre"? The hell?

What'ere, Jane Eyre is a phrase an old friend and I cooked up. It's for those times that someone will make a statement so stupid or cliched, you don't even know where to begin deconstructing it. Essentially, it's the short version of "You're full of crap, but even attempting to dissect what's wrong with that statement is not worth the time or effort." And you know who makes a lot of stupid, cliched statements? Reality show contestants! Hence the title.

So this blog has nothing to do with the actual Jane Eyre?

Not as such, no. But I do love that book, and some of the movies/miniseries haven't been bad, either.

What's the point of recapping a show we've already seen? Get a life!

It's just a hobby of mine. Some people knit. I spew sarcastic shit about reality shows.

I think you suck. How can I let you know that?

Sorry to hear it. I should really stop sending those people around to your house to force you at gunpoint to read my blog. I welcome disagreement. I really do. If you interpret a scene in a completely different way than I do, please feel free to leave a comment explaining why, and we'll hash it out. It's just the straight-up trolls that get deleted.

Geez, you're harsh. Surely you understand that reality shows are heavily edited, right? [So-and-so] isn't a bad person in real life; they just showed her worst moments!

I don't doubt it. But this blog isn't about what a certain contestant is like, overall. It's about what is shown in the episode. I'm perfectly willing to believe that someone who was a complete asshole on the show is really quite lovely in person. But since all I discuss is the show, then all I'm going to talk about is her being an asshole. Frankly, I don't think it's too much of a reach to say that everyone I've ever seen complaining about how the editors made them look like jerks were just as jerky in post-game interviews and such. Also, they can't show you looking like a complete tool if you don't act like one.

I blog about [show], too! Can I link to you?

Sure thing.

What's a "Frankenbyte"?

A glaringly obvious mashup of quotes patched together from different sentences by editors who are trying to make someone look angry (bitter, horny, jealous, etc.)

You harp on grammar too much.

You don't harp on grammar enough. I sometimes like to bend grammar for stylistic purposes, but if you spot something that's really incorrect (or an irritating typo), please let me know. I'd want to fix that.

How come you don't blog about [show]? Why are there episodes (or entire seasons) missing or shortened from the shows you do cover?

I just cover what I have time for and what I find interesting. I do some retroactive writing once in a while (like the first season of America's Next Top Model), but as a general rule, if I didn't write about it, it's because real life intruded, or the show was so bad/boring/insulting that I didn't feel like devoting any time to it.

THE AMAZING RACE

I don't remember teams bursting into a song called "Poor Us, We're Out of It". What is it?

Watching team after team pass you as you struggle with a difficult task must be extremely frustrating. Same goes for missing a bus, getting lost, or a host of other problems. That said, I get fed up with people who respond to every setback with something along the lines of "Well, that's that, then. We're obviously going to be eliminated now." It's an unattractive attitude, repetitive to the point of tedium, and most importantly, usually untrue. So now when someone expresses that sentiment, I unsympathetically refer to it as singing a chorus of "Poor Us, We're Out of It".

S7: The entries start near the end of the season, and they're really short. Why?

That's when the blog was begun, and I didn't have a home computer, so everything was written off of hastily-scribbled notes.

S8: The entries get shorter and shorter, then disappear altogether. What gives?

That season sucked ass, and I got fed up with it.

S9: Tools? Hippies? Huh?

The Tools: Eric and Jeremy. Thus named because they were...tools.
The Hippies: BJ and Tyler. Thus named because they were...hippie-ish.
MoJo: Monica and Joseph. Thus named because that's what they named themselves.
Double D: Danielle and Dani. Thus named because that's what BJ called them, and because their breasts were the only noteworthy thing about them.
Frankenberry: Fran and Barry. Thus named because it's an awesome mashup of their names.
The Harpies: Lisa (or Joni) and Joni (or Lisa). Thus named because they refused to stop shrieking.

S10: Aaah, more nicknames! Help!

KanDustin: Kandice and Dustin. Thus named because DUUUUH.
RoKi: Rob and Kimberly. Thus named because it's a mashup of their names, and is pronounced like the fighter, which they were always doing. Get it?
The Underdogs: The alliance of Erwin/Godwin, Lyn/Karlyn, and David/Mary. Thus named because they managed to come from behind an astounding number of times.
The Bottom Feeders: The temporary team of David/Mary/Lyn/Karlyn. Thus named because they sucked.
The Plastics: The temporary team of James/Tyler/Rob/Kimberly. Thus named because they were all blandly pretty, and about as sharp as overcooked pasta.
The Prom Court: The temporary team of James/Tyler/Kandice/Dustin. Thus named because you just know they were all really popular in high school.
KanDustCho: The temporary team of Kandice/Dustin/Erwin/Godwin. Thus named because they had nothing in common, so I just had to crush their names together.

S10: No full-length recaps for the last couple of episodes?

Sorry. I should have forced myself to do those, but unfortunately, once KanDustin started struggling, I stopped caring who won. I loved KanDustin.

S10: What is "Underdogs' Law"?

The alliance of Erwin/Godwin, Lyn/Karlyn, and David/Mary was a strong one, but the editors saw fit to beat as many interviews of them saying "We know we have an alliance, but at some point, we're going to need to start running this race for ourselves" into our heads as possible. It got tiring to type out each time, so by the four thousandth, that sentiment was shortened to Underdogs' Law.

S11: Hmm, I'm not seeing any entries for the All-Star season. Where'd they go?

To a parallel universe in which I'd allow Eric and Baaaaaahstaaan Raaaaahb on my television again.

S12: Again with the nicknames!

The IBs: Shana and Jennifer. IBs is short for Interchangeable Blonds, of which Shana was IB#1, and Jennifer, IB#2. Thus named because they were both prime examples of those vapid, shallow, blond women that LA puts out by the truckload.
The Bickersons: Nathan and Jennifer. Thus named because they rarely stopped fighting, even when things were going well.
The Pinkies: Kynt and Vyxsin. Thus named because that's what Nicolas called them. The girly color showed up in most of their clothes, as well as Vyxsin's hair, so it was a much more fitting nickname than "The Goths" (which shows up a few times), as anything gothy about them seemed to be purely for show.

S13 and on: Are you even watching this show anymore?

Yup. I'm watching, but the recaps fell by the wayside because 1) It takes a lot longer to write them about this show than about any other. 2) It's starting to get a little bland, and 3) Have I mentioned that it takes longer? It does. A lot longer.

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Who or what is OJ?

OJ is Jay Manuel. Why is he called that? You may take your pick from amongst the following reasons, all of which are perfectly valid: 1) To differentiate him from Miss J without having to resort to the laughable term "Mr. Jay", given that he's about as masculine as a Hannah Montana doll covered in glitter. 2) Like the juice, he's remarkably orange and processed. 3) Like the murderer, he's remarkably unlikable, and not very good at his job.

S1: These entries are out of chronological order, and really short!

The Season 1 episodes weren't written when the show was airing; they were done off of the DVDs. As with Season 7 of The Amazing Race (and Season 4 of Model), I didn't have a home computer, so the entries were written off notes and memories.

S1: Why do you refer to Shannon as Fucking Shannon?

Because I wanted to slap her 98% of the time.

S2, S3, and most of S4: Where are the entries for these seasons? I need my Yaya fix!

The blog was started after they aired. Maybe I'll be able to do them from DVD someday.

S5: Fugly Lisa? And what is a Nike?

Lisa got on my nerves for a large chunk of her season, so I referred to her as Fugly Lisa out of pure spite. I have to admit, though... That crazy bitch really grew on me. Nike is Nik. When typing quickly, I would always accidentally type "Nike" and have to go back and erase the extra letter. It happened so much that I just gave up, and let her be Nike for the rest of the season.

S5: The recaps kind of trickle off towards the end of the season. Why?

As with any reality show, once I stop giving a damn about who wins, I find it impossible to keep writing about it. Short version? Nicole undeservedly won, and promptly fell off the planet. The end.

S6 and S7: Wow, you really didn't put much effort into these, did you?

I guess not. I went through a patch of not liking this show as much as I used to, and couldn't make myself keep up with it.

S8: Something bad happened to Tokyo? You'd think I'd have heard about it on the news.

Well, I suppose I am partial to exaggeration. We all know that Tyra is wont to do something terrible to at least one girl's hair, come makeover day. This season, it was poor Brittany, who was given the most inexplicable hair-don't ever seen on this show: a ratty, red weave that lay atop her head like a dead raccoon. But it wasn't content to just sit there and be ugly; it set about taking over her entire head, attacking her follicles like Godzilla crushing a certain Japanese city. Though it was finally vanquished, it did enough damage to become known as The Weave That Destroyed Tokyo.

S8: How happy are you that Natasha didn't win?

Dude, words can't even express it.

S9: Hey, where are the recaps?

Yeah, I wasn't feeling the ninth season. I'm all for sticking to a formula that works, but by this point, the girls, challenges, photos, and fights were all pretty much a carbon copy of those in earlier seasons. Plus, it was on against Pushing Daisies, which rocks.

S10: More short-ass recaps! Have you abandoned Tyra entirely?

I used to be able to handle a couple of shows concurrently, but not anymore. Forced to choose between a season of Top Model that was...exactly like all the other ones, and a much more interesting Top Chef, I went with the latter. Besides, does Dominique really deserve that much internet ink?

S11 and on: See that Amazing Race question? That. Are you even watching this show anymore?

No.

PROJECT RUNWAY

S1: No entries? Wah!

Nope, the blog was started after it aired. The DVDs are on my Netflix queue, though.

S2: Why did you call Daniel V. "Danzzz"?

Well, there were two Daniels, so to differentiate between them, one became Danzzz because he was really boring. Of course, he wound up being not boring at all, and made some awesome clothes before soaring to take second place, but by then, the name was set.

S3: Wait, did I just see a poseur whose design aesthetic could best be summed up as Gutter Orphan win the season? What the hell is up with that?

Your guess is as good as mine.

S4: No entires? Double wah!

The fourth season premiered after The Amazing Race had already started. I only had the time and inclination to handle one show, so I went with the race, which was far superior to this snooze of a season.

S5: So...that season happened.

It sure did.

S6: Did you even watch this season?

"Watch" is a strong word for something so boring. I'm kind of over this show, but if you want to read excellent reviews of it, check out Project Rungay.

TOP CHEF

S1: Why is all of the hostess' speech written weirdly and in all-caps?

Because that's how androids speak. Katie Lee Joel (or KatieBot) seems to be a wholly inoffensive person, but couldn't read her lines for shit. Apparently, the show agreed, because she was banished after the first season.

Why do you call Tom "Ptom"?

Head judge Tom Collichio has had an extremely checkered past on this blog. I waver back and forth on him constantly. There have been times when I've felt, shall we say... Less than pleased with the way he judges. He's been known to intentionally stir up trouble between contestants, create impossible Catch-22s, use ancillary information to make unfair judgments, praise some chefs for the same behavior he condemns in others, and seems to care more about what I call the Dogma of Cooking than about the food itself. There are times I think he's gotten better, but for the most part, he's a terrible judge, and somewhat like that unpleasant uncle you hope doesn't show up to Thanksgiving this year. Since I often feel like spitting (*ptooey*) every time I see him, he became Ptom.

I see the phrase "Tally mark!" a lot. What's that?

I don't know when or why I started doing it, but I noticed that a lot of Top Chef contestants like to speak in cliches, so I began to make a tally mark every time they spewed something trite. It can get up to impressive numbers.

What is the Standard Speech?

Ever notice how whenever a Top Chef contestant wins a challenge, it seems to be required by law that they give an interview along the lines of "I may have won/gotten immunity, but I can't rest on my laurels/can't let my guard down/intend to kick ass in the upcoming challenges anyway"? Hey, me too! Once this kind of interview became frequent, I decided it wasn't worth typing out each time, and decided to just refer to this sentiment as the Standard Speech.

S2: How come...

We do not speak of Season 2 around here.

S2: But...

Here's all you need to know. The producers screwed up the casting, and after a few episodes had passed, all the contestants who were left were assholes. Oh, there was a redeeming feature here or there, but the majority of the season had nothing to do with food. Rather, it was a parade of endless bullying, whining, passive-aggressive bitching, and violence. At the end, the worst of the douchebags emerged victorious. The whole enterprise was a giant black hole of suck.

S3: Why does Joey hail from a different city every time you mention him?

At the beginning of the season, Joey was one of those tiresome people who has to filter absolutely everything through the lens of being from New York. He'd say things like "[So-and-so's] pork was dry, which you'd never be able to get away with in New York," like those of us in the rest of the country adore dried-out pork. It pissed me off, so I began assigning him to every city but his own. And mine.

S3: Who is Saram? Saran?

Since there were two women named Sara competing, the first letter of their last names was attached to "Sara" to help differentiate who I was talking about.

S4: This season had a subtitle?

It may as well have. Namely: "Top Chef 4 - Challenge Parameters Are Beneath Us!" An astounding number of contestants decided that if the challenge rules called for something outside their narrow expertise, it'd be a good idea to just ignore the parameters they were given. Then they'd turn around and act surprised and wounded when the judges called them on it at Judges' Table. It happened so often, it became a sort of theme for the season.

S5: Wha happa?

Sorry about that. Season 5 was a good one, but as is often the case, real life intrudes at the most inconvenient times. I got hit with a lot of job and family responsibilities, none of them cheery, and all at the same time. So, there was no more time to devote to things like scenes of Stefan being kind of snooty. The upshot is that Carla continued being awesomely awesome, becoming my favorite contestant to date. She shot herself in the foot in the finals, and took third place. That brought it down to Stefan and Hosea, with Hosea becoming perhaps the blandest winner ever.

S6: Why do you call Jen "Jenc"?

At the beginning of the season, there were two Jennifers. As with the Saram/Saran thing, I dubbed Jennifer Z. "Jenz" and Jennifer C. "Jenc". I stuck with the "Jenc" label even after Jenz was eliminated.

S6: What is "Top Chef 6 - DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH"?

That's the subtitle I gave the season. It earned this dubious distinction after its participants, both on the contestant and the judging side, spouted a ton of incredibly obvious thoughts and observations. I realize they need to fill airtime, but there are only so many lines like "The chefs that make the least amount of mistakes will have an advantage," or "Either this will work out, or it won't," that I can let pass without mockery.

S6: Who are the Golden Children?

That would be Kevin, Jenc, Bryan, and Michael, who won each and every Elimination Challenge. The judges loved all of them, to the point that the other competitors need not have even signed up.

S7: So, what was the theme this season?

You mean besides its aggressive mediocrity? Pea puree.

S8: Who is Dalel? Dalet?

See above regarding Saram/Saran.

TOP CHEF - JUST DESSERTS

S1: Who is Heatherc? Heatherh?

You should really have this naming system down by now. See above regarding Saram/Saran.

S1: Who the hell is Gidget?

Yigit. His flippantly condescending attitude was eerily similar to Gretchen Weiners' from Mean Girls, and the two names were fused.