Psycho Killer - Qu'est-ce que C'est?

Harper's Island - Season 1, Episode 13

Previously on Harper's Island: DEATH!

We start off with a flashback to sixteen years ago, when Harper's Island was always sun-dappled. Young Abby and Young Henry have a friendly spar over a soccer ball. Henry's "parents" come to pick him up, along with Young JD. The Dunns are heading back to the mainland to get the boys ready for school. Valerie Harper enters, and the two women exchange meaningful looks. Young Henry and Young Abby run out of the house and down to the water. They're both sad that Young Henry has to leave, and Young Abby leans forward and whispers something in his ear. He ruefully hands over the soccer ball, and tells Young Abby he'll see her next summer.

The present. Ain't no sun-dappling now. Henry and Wakefield stand over Trish's body. Henry has a slight tinge of regret, but strengthens his resolve when Wakefield tells him Trish served her purpose and that nothing else matters. Wakefield reports on Danny's death and Shea and Madison's escape. That's all the conversation they have time for, as they hear Abby hysterically calling for Henry. Henry tells Wakefield that they only have a couple of hours before the Coast Guard shows up, so they'd better get cracking on killing everyone else.

MEANWHILE, Shea and Madison make it to the boathouse, where they tell Blond Tool what happened at the police station. After he has a completely understandable freakout, he collects himself enough to contact the Coast Guard again to let them know that they really need to hurry if they'd like to find more than a stack of corpses. They're still fighting bad weather, so the rescue chopper can't take off. How about some boats, Coast Guard? Speaking of which, Blond Tool spots some mini-crafts lashed to the ceiling. MEANWHILE, Abby and Jimmy stumble across Trish's body. Henry and Wakefield spy on them from the woods, and Wakefield tells Henry that it's time to kill Abby.

MEANWHILE, Blond Tool sends Shea and Madison off in a speedboat towards the mainland, nobly choosing to remain behind to help the others. It's the last episode, so I'm afraid no amount of nobility can shake the nickname now; it's too ingrained. Elsewhere, Jimmy convinces Abby that it may be in their best interest to head back towards the boathouse. Blond Tool reports to the Coast Guard about picking up Shea and Madison's boat. Henry enters in time to hear about Shea and Madison's escape and that the Coast Guard should arrive within the hour. Henry inspects a gun before handing it over to Blond Tool. Then the two of them leave to round up whoever they can before meeting the Coast Guard at the marina.

MEANWHILE, Wakefield drags Trish through the woods. Henry and Blond Tool wander their way through the woods as well, and since they're alone, Henry's got an opportunity to make another checkmark on the Kill Everyone On the Island To-Do List. First, he's got to spout a lot of claptrap about how Wakefield's kid has a lot to be pissed about, because oh-my-God, he was adopted by an upper middle class family. Can you think of any greater hell? Blond Tool, to his credit, doesn't accept "being adopted" as a legitimate motive for serial murder.

MEANWHILE, Abby and Jimmy continue their trend of showing up places moments after everyone has left. Jimmy notices the missing speedboat. He grabs a couple of flares and hears from the radio operator at the Coast Guard that Henry and Blond Tool have headed for the marina. That doesn't explain the missing boat, but Abby and Jimmy don't really have time to think about that right now.

MEANWHILE, Henry is tired of wearing his good-guy mask, so he admits to Blond Tool that he killed Trish and JD, saying that Abby almost caught him doing the latter. All that blood makes more sense now. Just as the truth sinks into Blond Tool, Henry lists his other murders: The reverend, Richard, and Katherine. Wait, wasn't he having sex on top of his wedding cake when the reverend was murdered? And wasn't he playing grave robber with Abby and the sheriff when Richard was killed? See, this is why every good murder mystery needs how-I-did-it flashbacks. Katherine makes more sense, anyway -- Henry did have those shears. He also reveals that the money Uncle Marty brought was to invest in Malcolm's brewery. That doesn't really explain the gun Uncle Marty also brought, but whatever. Blond Tool has heard enough to pull the trigger, but of course Henry was the one who gave him the gun, which isn't loaded anymore. Henry distracts Blond Tool with Wakefield's presence, which gives Henry the chance to stab him to death. So long, Blond Tool! I hope there are a bunch of slutty girls in heaven!

Abby and Jimmy find Henry in the woods. He lies about looking for Trish, saying that he hasn't seen anyone else. Abby is too upset about having to inform Henry of Trish's death to have caught the lie. It gets even more convoluted when they return to the scene of Trish's body, which is no longer there, thanks to Wakefield. Henry runs off in faux-hysteria, leading Abby and Jimmy to the church. An unattended radio at the boathouse informs the air that the rescue chopper will be there in twenty minutes. Jimmy tells Abby that he'd never leave her alone, the way Henry left Trish. Leaving aside all the Henry-is-the-killer facts, it's easy to say that now. From what I've seen, Abby and Jimmy were separated plenty. Anyhow, they all enter the church to find Trish's body on the altar. Abby barely has time to express sympathy before Wakefield shows up and attacks. Jimmy fights him off. Abby hears the chopper and Jimmy yells for her to go and signal it with the flares. Wakefield calls to Henry that she's getting away, which of course sells Henry out, not that it matters now.

Jimmy grabs the other flare, lights it, and shoves it into Wakefield, which doesn't do any more harm than the bullets to the face did. It does at least give Jimmy time to run away. Oh, and the church is on fire now. Henry takes a shot at Jimmy, but we don't see if it hits or not. Henry runs out to catch Abby, and tells her that Wakefield got Jimmy. He also asks where they're supposed to meet the Coast Guard, which keys Abby in to Henry's lie. The Coast Guard told her that they had sent Henry and Blond Tool to the marina, but Henry said he hadn't seen anyone when they found him in the woods. As she processes this, Wakefield strolls up behind her and Henry unfolds his knife. He lunges forward, pushes Abby aside, and plunges the knife into his father's chest. Wakefield has run out of his seemingly endless supply of lives, and though he takes about an hour to drop, he finally does. Abby finally puts everything together, but not fast enough, and Henry grabs her and throws her to the ground, knocking her out.

MEANWHILE, on the mainland, Shea and Madison are conferring with the authorities. Madison makes sure to get in one last creepy brat plug before being escorted out so an agent can tell Shea that everyone she knew on the island died there in the big church fire. They know that because of some trace blood samples left behind. You know, because fire completely wipes out the entire body. Twits. The agent tells Shea that other than a handful of locals (which I guess includes the psychic and the annoying coroner), she and Madison are the sole survivors.

MEANWHILE, back on the island, the FBI packs up and leaves. Abby awakes to find herself in an eerily well-appointed bedroom, with fresh clothes laid out on a nearby table. She comes downstairs to find a jittery Henry, who promises to explain everything. He tells her he chose her over Wakefield. She, weirdly, doesn't explode with gratitude, but throws a glass at him and runs to another room, where she shuts herself in. He calls through the door that he can wait for her to calm down, as they've got all the time in the world, the way they hoped they would when they were kids. We flash back to Young Abby and Young Henry again, and hear what Young Abby whispered in his ear. She wishes the two of them could stay on Harper's Island together forever, just the two of them. And since Henry is kookypants, I guess he took that to mean slaughter everyone else.

After he's left her alone, Abby busts a picture frame and grabs a shard of glass to use as a weapon. She comes downstairs to yell at Henry, telling him he can't pin what he's done on her, and that's he sick and needs help. Good Lord, is she still pushing the Save the Psycho agenda? Cause that didn't work out too well when she spared Wakefield. She asks about Trish, and Henry says the wedding was the only way he could think of to get Abby back to the island. OK, but then why throw a big production of a destination wedding instead of just writing Abby and saying that he was having a small, private wedding back on the island? It certainly would have been less work for him and Wakefield. I guess that'd make for a short series, though. Abby points out that she and Henry are half-siblings, but that doesn't stand in the way of his crazy love. We finally get a how-I-did-it flashback of sorts, but unfortunately, it's more of a how-I-became-crazy flashback.

Henry met Wakefield the day of the original killing spree, when Valerie Harper was killed. They had some moronic instant connection, and then we skip forward in time, because they can't explain how Wakefield survived when everyone else thought he was dead, or why Henry just wrote off the entire experience until Wakefield found him later. It was at this second meeting that Wakefield revealed to Henry that he was his father. That knowledge, along with some latent batch of crazy, turned Henry into what he is today. Wakefield took Henry on the serial murder field trip on the mainland that the sheriff was tracking. He tells Abby that unlike Wakefield, he won't destroy the one he loves. I suppose that's a small step forward. If he and Abby ever have kids, maybe they could take another step forward and not kill all of their friends.

Abby's heard enough, and grabs what I think is a telescope. She bashes out the glass in the patio door, and sprints for the nearby utility shed. Why she heads there instead of trying to get as far from the house as possible is beyond me. Oh, because she's got Jimmy-radar up her ass, and finds him alive, bound, and gagged in the shed. Henry pops in and grabs her, dragging her back to the house. He tells her he wasn't supposed to find Jimmy, and that as far as the world's concerned, all of them died in the church fire. Abby asks why Jimmy is still alive, and Henry intimates that because Shea and Madison made it off the island, everyone knows that someone was helping Wakefield. Jimmy is alive to be set up as the patsy. I don't get to say "patsy" nearly enough. Abby tries to run again, but Henry is ready for her now. He grabs her and locks her in a room, then sets off to make Jimmy sign a false confession. Abby tries to pick the lock, without much success.

Later, Henry comes in and tells her Jimmy won't sign the confession unless he gets to say good-bye to Abby. He leads her to the shed. Jimmy is still bound and gagged. Hey, why is he gagged? It's not like there's anyone around to hear him. Henry tells her to say good-bye. She approaches Jimmy, and apologizes for leaving all those years ago. She pulls the gag off and kisses him, which Henry doesn't stand for. He walks up and pulls her off, then slaps the shit out of her when she says she loves Jimmy. He's immediately upset about that, and now that Jimmy's ungagged, he's able to distract Henry long enough for Abby to pick up a sharp implement and plunge it into Henry's foot. I'll be generous, and assume that she was aiming for his heart and just missed by a country mile, rather than yell at her AGAIN for failing to take out a psycho killer when she had the chance. She runs out the door. Henry, after pausing to grab another sharp implement, is in hot pursuit.

MEANWHILE, Jimmy takes the pick that Abby slipped him when they kissed, and sets to work on freeing himself. Henry yells to Abby that anyone else on the island is miles away. Wait, so those surviving locals are still around? They didn't go to the mainland with the FBI? They're just waiting around, presumably waiting for the grocery store to reopen or whatever? Jeez. Henry eventually traps Abby at the top of a steep slope, and swears he'd never hurt her, hurling the implement over the cliff. Abby screams that she doesn't want to be with Henry, just in time for Jimmy to show up and tackle him. Both of them fall off the slope down to the rocky shore beneath. Abby rushes down to tend to Jimmy. She sees on his face that something's coming up behind her, and for once, she has the presence of mind to grab that sharp implement that Henry abandoned, swings around, and runs Henry completely through. He manages to tell her he loves her before dropping dead. We exit on a pre-ferry video in which the dearly departed wish Henry and Trish much love and luck in their marriage. Except for Non-Entity Beth, of course. Jimmy and Abby have been rescued by the Coast Guard, and return to the mainland to live in peace and love each other and have severe psychological trauma for the rest of their lives. Congrats, you two!

Overall Grade: C
Overall Season Grade: B+

Oh, Henry

Harper's Island - Season 1, Episode 12

Previously on Harper's Island: DEATH!

Wakefield is now content to wander around the woods. As are Henry and Abby. As are Danny and Blond Tool. Blond Tool thinks they'll cover more ground if they split up. Danny is sensibly not thrilled with this plan, but allows himself to be swayed.

MEANWHILE, Trish wakes up in the car, but Jimmy is nowhere to be seen. He startles her by popping up at her window and announcing that he saw a ship. She asks him where, and he tells her he went walking on the bluffs about a quarter mile away. OK, so either Jimmy is the second killer or he's a red herring. If he's the killer, I don't see why he didn't murder Trish while she was sleeping, but that's his prerogative. On the other hand, if he's not a killer, it was incredibly stupid and callous of him to leave her sleeping and alone out in the open. Trish is naturally offended, and asks him if he just abandoned her. He ignores her, and fishes some flares out of the car to signal the ship. The promise of a rescue overrides the insult, and Trish follows Jimmy towards the bluffs.

MEANWHILE, Wakefield spots Danny tromping through the woods. He runs to attack with his spear, but Blond Tool pops out of the woods and shoots him in the head. Wakefield, apparently composed of the same material as the Terminators, is wounded but alive. Sure, who isn't able to shrug off a shotgun blast to the face? Abby and Henry hear the shot, and head in that direction. It becomes apparent that the whole split-up idea was bait to lure Wakefield out. Score one for Blond Tool. That one point is immediately taken away when he and Danny just stand there with their guns trained on the squirming Wakefield. Hello? Guys? This man has murdered all of your dearest friends, and has proven to be extremely slippery. I don't think law enforcement would punish you too harshly for finishing him off, especially after all the cops he's killed. Blond Tool offers the kill to Abby, but she's unable to take the shot. She bashes him unconscious, instead. I guess we're supposed to conclude that she's a Good Person Who Won't Sink To The Murderer's Level, but to me, it's reckless and almost criminally negligent.

The commercial break gives the characters enough time for someone to conclude that it might be wise to kill Wakefield. Blond Tool is all for it, but Danny says that it's not their job. No, it's the police force's job. Why don't we ask the sheriff to arrest him? How about that deputy in the cellblock? The two cops from the mainland? Deputy Burnface McGee? Again, we're supposed to think the characters who want Wakefield to presumably go to trial are noble, but honestly, they're just being dumb. Henry and Abby agree with Danny, so Blond Tool is outvoted, and must go along with the plan to tie Wakefield up and hold him until more police arrive. Wakefield is up and about now. I guess those shotgun shells were made of pudding.

MEANWHILE, Jimmy and Trish get to the bluffs, and the ship Jimmy claimed to have seen is nowhere. Trish walks up to the very edge of the cliff. Back in the woods, Wakefield is tied up with a couple of belts. Abby beats herself up for not following through on her father's explicit instructions to kill Wakefield. She doesn't beat herself up enough. Everyone teleports over to the police station, and steps past the deputy's corpse so that Henry can lock Wakefield in a cell. He then goes to collect Trish and Jimmy, while Abby volunteers to go get Shea and Madison. Henry suggests meeting back at the police station. Danny, once again the timid voice of reason, doesn't think that's the best idea, but backs down yet again when Henry assures him that Wakefield is safely locked away. He and Trish leave, and Blond Tool heads back to the cellblock over Danny's objections. Blond Tool tases Wakefield, which causes him more pain than the bullet to the face did.

MEANWHILE, Henry reaches the empty car at the tunnel entrance. Abby, Shea, and Madison get back to the police station without incident. Madison gets back to being a creepy brat. She's been out of practice, lately, so she goes for double duty by sneaking back to look at Wakefield. Henry arrives, and announces that he couldn't find Jimmy and Trish. Nobody's too panicked, as Wakefield hasn't had any opportunity to get over to that area, but Shea realizes that leaving Trish alone with Jimmy wasn't perhaps the best idea. She reports what she and Madison found in the sheriff's attic. Nobody has time to absorb this before Madison pops back in to tell Abby that Wakefield wants to talk to her.

Abby goes back to the cell, and she and Wakefield have a fairly cryptic conversation about his motives. She wonders why he's still killing if the objects of his revenge are dead, and he wonders if Valerie Harper really loved the sheriff. He never really answers the first question, and of course she's biased in the matter of the second. MEANWHILE, in the front room, the others are making a case for Jimmy being the second killer. He survived the marina explosion, Wakefield delivered him alive to the bar (where he miraculously survived the bloodbath), and he knows his way around head spades. Shea points out that Jimmy doesn't really have much of a connection with most of the victims, but Henry and Blond Tool think the whole thing may be an elaborate plan to punish Abby.

MEANWHILE, Wakefield and Abby blah about Valerie Harper giving up Wakefield's kid, but keeping Abby. If we're going to start getting around to motives here, it'd be great if they were lifted from something better than Scream 3. Just as Henry gets ready to go look for Trish and Jimmy, Jimmy bursts into the office. He reports that Trish slipped and fell at the bluffs. Suspicious eyes are all fixed on him, and Henry relieves him of his gun. Abby and Wakefield bicker about Valerie Harper's worth as a mother, and Abby asks how Wakefield even knows Valerie had his child. Wakefield responds that he found him. Crap, it's a "him"? There goes my Trish theory. The commotion from the outer office distracts Abby, and she rushes out to find Henry ready to attack. Everyone reaches a consensus in which Jimmy, Henry, Abby, and Blond Tool will go to help Trish, but if she's not there, Jimmy's in big trouble. They teleport over to the bluffs and start looking around.

MEANWHILE, Danny rustles up what grub he can for Shea, Madison, and himself. Madison is hungry enough to eat a cherry Pop-Tart (ew), but says that she also got some food when she was imprisoned in the tunnel. Shea asks if Wakefield fed her, and Madison says that no, somebody else brought them food. Shea's all "Whaaaaa?", and asks why Madison didn't think to mention that two people were keeping her captive. Seriously. I know she's a kid, but she's not four. So now Danny and Shea know there's an accomplice, much good it does everyone now. MEANWHILE, at the bluffs, there's no sign of Trish, and Henry and Blond Tool are ready to shoot Jimmy. Abby intercedes.

So after a few tense moments, Abby is making some progress on cooling down Henry and Blond Tool, and she's helped tremendously by Trish appearing at the top of the bluffs. Everyone rushes up to tend to her, and she admits she lost her footing and fell. She's all right though, and even better, she's discovered a boathouse with a radio inside. They all head there, and while Jimmy and Blond Tool try to reach the Coast Guard, Abby and Henry fill Trish in on their suspicions of Jimmy. Trish reiterates that her fall off the bluffs was an accident. The Coast Guard responds to the distress call, and Trish reports on Wakefield's killing spree and capture. The Coast Guard says that some bad weather on their end may hold up rescue crews, but it shouldn't be more than four hours. Everyone's relieved. Blond Tool says he'll stay with the radio, while Henry and Trish head back to the inn to get her some dry clothes. Abby and Jimmy will go back to the station to let the others know what has happened. Jimmy's still not entirely free of suspicion, but Abby's all gooey for him, so she's content to stick with him.

Back at the inn, Trish takes a hot shower, then goes to get dressed. When Henry returns with everyone's luggage, he finds her wearing her wedding dress. They smooch. MEANWHILE, back at the station, Danny chats with Madison about Wakefield, who's busy wriggling out of his oh-so-well-constructed belt bonds. MEANWHILE, in the woods, Jimmy admits to Abby that he got in some fights when she left, and was unfortunately in the vicinity when someone got killed in Seattle, but he was never considered a real suspect. He confesses that he once swore to get even with Abby for leaving him, but that all those feelings melted away when she got back to Harper's Island, and now he's not full of anything but ooey, gooey love. That's nice and everything, but it's not like Abby abandoned him. Her father practically shot her off the island out of a cannon; it wasn't her choice. They smooch.

MEANWHILE, back at the station, Danny and Madison are playing cards and discussing the intricacies of the Hansel and Gretel story. It's a worthy conversation, though not as compelling as Miranda Hobbes' thoughts on the matter. Unfortunately, it's interrupted by Wakefield entering and starting to strangle Danny with a belt, possibly his own. So, Danny... How do you feel about waiting for a jury of Wakefield's peers to get around to convicting him now? He manages to fight Wakefield off long enough to allow Shea and Madison time to escape, but cannot escape his doom forever, and Wakefield impales his head on one of those message-collecting spike thingies that's always killing people on TV. Sorry, Danny. You were a good egg, but you should have shot when you had the chance.

MEANWHILE, Trish and Henry snuggle on the bed. There's a knock at the door, but nobody enters when Henry calls out. He peeks out of the door with the gun, but doesn't see anything. Deciding to investigate, he tells Trish to lock herself in. MEANWHILE, Jimmy and Abby hear a noise in the woods, which turns out to be the fleeing Shea and Madison. Funny on an island with room for a bar and an inn and a marina and a crazy-old-man shack and a church and a party beach and a canyon and a bunch of locals' homes, none of which can be seen from any of the others, people are always stumbling across each other in the woods. Shea reports what has happened at the police station, and Abby sends them to meet up with Blond Tool at the radio station.

MEANWHILE, at the inn, Wakefield bursts in the door. Trish runs for it, which is no small feat when one is wearing a wedding dress and no shoes. She barricades herself in the bathroom, giving her enough time to bash out a window and jump. She runs into the woods, leaving a confusing and upsetting scene for Abby and Jimmy to find when they arrive at the inn. Wakefield pursues Trish through the woods, but cannot catch her before she finds Henry. Her relief soon turns to horror when we all finally find out who Wakefield's accomplice is. Not Trish herself, as was my first guess. Not Maggie, who's busy being dead and who was just a fun longshot for me. Not Booth, who I guess really was stupid enough to accidentally kill himself. Not Jimmy, to Grouchbutt's consternation. No, it's Henry. This knowledge doesn't do Trish an enormous amount of good, as Henry stabs her to death a few moments later. Huh, I guess being seen in your wedding dress before the ceremony really is bad luck. Wakefield catches up, and Henry greets him as his father. It's so nice when a father and son can bond over similar interests.

Next week on Harper's Island: DEATH!

Overall Grade: B-

Come Hell or High Water

Harper's Island - Season 1, Episode 11

Previously on Harper's Island: DEATH!

We pick up right where we left off. Abby and Wakefield don't have two minutes to exchange words, because Henry and Danny blunder in, frightening Wakefield off. Abby wants to go after him, but Henry won't let her. He's acting awfully suspicious these days. Of course, there are only a handful of people left to suspect.

MEANWHILE, back at the bar, Nikki tends to Jimmy, who's still unconscious. Of course, her "tending" consists of blotting him with a damp rag, but I guess she has to keep busy. Unfortunately, the spate of deaths that have happened since Madison's return still haven't convinced anyone but Shane that they shouldn't go on treating her wike a widdle pwincess. Chloe worries about Blond Tool and Cal. Well, one more than the other. Speaking of them, Blond Tool and Cal leave the clinic. Blond Tool has done a patchy job of fixing Cal up after his bullet wound, but seems to have covered the basics. The two of them head for the sailboat.

MEANWHILE, Henry and Danny have had time to cut the sheriff down, bag him up, and stow him in the back of his wagon. I suppose I should be grateful even a passing mention is made of how silly this is when they know for a fact Wakefield is strolling around. Back at the bar, Madison is telling Shea that she's known Wakefield from day one of the trip. He was the "new friend" who helped her pick flowers for her flower girl basket. Wait, does that mean he's the one who smashed the tea set, too? That seems awfully petty. Madison asks if Richard is dead, and after some hesitation, Shea admits it. Madison also asks if Abby is going to die because of the lie she was told to tell, and that one, Shea's not going to cop to. She and Trish swear that Abby, Henry, and Danny will all be just fine. Abby's not too worried about her own death at the moment; she's too busy swearing vengeance on Wakefield.

As they walk back to the bar, Henry asks Abby why the sheriff was so intent on peddling the story that Wakefield has been dead all these years. "He thought he was doing the right thing," Abby weakly retorts. Henry points out that it didn't do many favors for the stacks of people now moldering all over the island. Danny wonders if Wakefield is done killing, now that the sheriff is gone. That'd make the last few episodes pretty boring, so I doubt it, Danny.

MEANWHILE, back at the bar, Madison has her face pressed up against the window. Shea strokes her hair, because while she's willing to yell at her fellow captives for not treating Madison like delicate porcelain, having her daughter's head displayed like a giant bull's-eye for anyone outside is apparently no problem. Nikki is delivering the bad news that with all the communication lines cut, nobody from the mainland is going to know there's a problem. What about the radio in the cops' plane? Even if the explosion took it out, I have to think that the two cops not reporting back to headquarters would raise a few red flags. The very second I think that, Chloe makes the same point. Thank you, Chloe! You sure have come a long way since that annoying skinny dip. She then loses some of those points I just gave her by haranguing Trish about getting married on this island. I'm pretty sure "Neverending String of Murders" wasn't listed on the Candlewick's amenities list, Chloe.

Shea struts up, seemingly ready to defend Trish, and ignoring Madison's sudden alarm at something outside. It'd be nice if Shea could ever arrange her priorities into a list with a modicum of sense. Madison squeals that Wakefield has arrived, and indeed, he kicks the door down with no problems whatsoever. Guess this wasn't the place to hole up. Nikki tries to shoot him with her shotgun, but he grabs it and aims it at the ceiling. One round goes off before Wakefield stabs Nikki in the gut. The other characters take this as a sign that they should maybe... You know... DO SOMETHING. They all run out the back door, Trish grabbing a gun on the way. Does she shoot him? Nah, she just keeps on running.

Shane stays behind to brandish a tiny knife at Wakefield, who's holding a giant sword. Oh, Shane. Why were you smartest when you were assiest? They fight for a bit before Wakefield naturally slices him to ribbons, then stabs him. Trish stays in the back room with her shotgun as the others slither out of the window. I'm not sure why they can't open the door from the inside. Wakefield does a piss poor job of cleaning Nikki and Shane's blood off the sword before approaching the door to the back room. I guess he's got more important things on his mind. Trish fires two rounds through the door before running out of ammo. It doesn't do her much good, and Wakefield busts through the door. Just as it looks like he's going to get her, Shane reappears, bloody but mobile. Wakefield goes to finish him off, and Trish makes her escape.

MEANWHILE, Blond Tool and Cal reach the dock, but the sailboat is nowhere in sight. They figure they're pretty much doomed. Cal says that he just wants to get Chloe off the island, and Blond Tool says that he just wanted to have sex with Chloe. I guess they're realizing that there's no point in being anything but honest from now on. They head back for the bar. Speaking of which... Abby, Henry, and Danny finally get back there. I guess their teleportation powers are on the fritz. They hear music blaring from inside. Barry Manilow. Wakefield must have wanted to torture Shane to death. The three of them bust in, and find Shane's body trussed up much like Valerie Harper was. No sign of Nikki. Perhaps she gets the comparative dignity of getting to be dead on the floor.

MEANWHILE, Shea, Trish, Chloe, and Madison have made it to the sheriff's attic. Trish hopes to be safe there, though the others aren't thrilled with the Wall of Crazy. Abby, Henry, and Danny cover Nikki and Shane's bodies with blankets that have appeared from nowhere, and discuss the situation. They can't glean much. Abby realizes that Wakefield's gone from killing from the shadows to doing so openly. Danny starts to crack. Back in the attic, Chloe is explaining to Madison that just because Wakefield was nice to her, doesn't mean he's a good man. Shea interrupts this, because as usual, she doesn't want Madison to hear anything useful or true. Trish discovers a map of the tunnel system, and everyone acts shocked that this is how the murderer was able to get around unnoticed. Um, haven't we covered this already?

The church bell starts ringing, startling everyone. Despite knowing that it may well be a trap, both the bar group and the attic group decide to head for it. Trish tells Shea and Madison to stay in the attic until they get back. She tells Shea she loves her before heading out. Aw. And funny, since she didn't say anything to Madison. The two groups find each other at the church. They exchange information, and we discover that Jimmy was not at the bar when the group there stumbled across Shane and Nikki's bodies. Huh. They also learn that none of them rang the bell, and head up there, guns drawn.

Once in the church, they dawdle. Danny lights candles, while Trish apologizes to Abby for suspecting her father. Guys? The bell? Chloe's scream alerts everybody to the other deputy's body, lying in a pew with his throat cut. That about wraps everyone up except the annoying coroner. Where's he? Headlights approach, illuminating Wakefield, who has just walked in. Nobody notices him; they just want to know who's in the car. It unsurprisingly turns out to be Blond Tool and Cal, who must have heard the bell. Cal asks where Chloe is. It seems she has disappeared in all the hubbub. Whoops!

Daylight breaks. Everyone has searched the church for Chloe, but can't find her. Trish surmises that Wakefield took her, using one of the island's handy tunnels. There's a banging at the door. Everyone raises their guns, but it turns out to be Jimmy that staggers in. His story is very odd. He says he woke up in the room with Shane and Nikki's bodies and walked to town. Those bodies weren't alone for very long, so that's some awesome timing on his part. He says that the town has been deserted, so he came to the church when he heard the bells. Yes, but everyone headed for the church when they heard the bells. How has it taken Jimmy so much longer to get there? I know he's limping, and may have been further away, but still. He wonders why Wakefield didn't kill him, and nobody has an answer except Grouchbutt, who's watching this and yelling "Because you're his accomplice!" at the screen.

Cal discovers the entrance to the tunnel. The group figures that if they block all the tunnel entrances, they can trap Wakefield. Trish and Jimmy go to block the storm grate. Danny and Blond Tool head for the entrance in the Candlewick's kitchen. Everyone else heads into the church tunnel to explore. MEANWHILE, Wakefield locks Chloe under the storm grate. She asks why he's doing this to all of them, as they never hurt Wakefield. He snaps that he almost died for a woman like Chloe. OK, but you didn't die and it wasn't Chloe. That's kind of a stretch, sir. Chloe tells him that her friends will kill him, and he menaces her with the (now spotless) sword.

Blond Tool and Danny carefully make their way through the woods. They talk about Cal's fortitude and love for Chloe. Cal, Abby, and Henry make their way down yet another tunnel. They talk about Wakefield's possible motives, and don't come up with anything new. Danny and Blond Tool are boarding up the door in the kitchen, and Blond Tool is vowing to make some changes in his life if he makes it out alive. Well, it'd be nice to be able to refer to him by an actual name, which can only happen if he drops the toolishness. Suddenly, someone (Wakefield, presumably) beats on the other side of the door. Danny and Blond Tool fire through, and wonder if they hit him. Danny scores the win for the dumbest thing anyone on this island has done to date, and sticks his eye up to the bullet hole to peer through. This is where, if this were an actual horror movie, we'd be seeing something very, very gross right about now. Thankfully, it's network TV, and Danny withdraws before the sword thrusts through the hole. Not finding a body to stab, it pulls back, and Wakefield runs off. Danny and Blond Tool are both scared shitless, but accept that they must enter the tunnels and help their friends. They bust through the door.

MEANWHILE, Madison has discovered that the sheriff has a thick file on someone else the party knows. Shea looks at it, and is horrified. Cal, Abby, and Henry find the final tunnel, which leads them to a bit of forest by a wide, running stream. Cal screams for Chloe, and she hears him from her dungeon. She screams back, but the person who approaches isn't Cal, but Wakefield. He asks Chloe if Cal is willing to die for her. Eep! Cal yells for Chloe some more, then asks Abby and Henry if they heard anything. They didn't. All I'm picking up is the background music, which would make life very handy if it really existed. Cal thinks he hears Chloe and sprints off, with Henry and Abby in pursuit. The noise of her banging around soon gets louder, but just as they make some progress, Abby spots Wakefield. She shoots at him and misses, and he just walks off. Henry directs Cal to focus on Chloe, while he and Abby go after Wakefield. Abby wants Henry to promise to shoot Wakefield, even if she's in the way. He refuses, but she's not going to extend the same courtesy to him.

They discover a big stone statue, like they've wandered into a Mayan jungle or something. Where the stream becomes a river with a big canyon and a giant metal bridge (er...I thought this was supposed to be a tiny little island), Cal and Chloe hear each other's voices. He tracks her down, and shoots the lock off of her cage. After pulling her out, Cal asks the question she's been longing to hear, and proposes marriage. She tearfully accepts, but their happy reunion is cut short when they see Wakefield in the distance. Cal takes a shot, and misses. There are no more bullets left, so he and Chloe run for the bridge. Why they cornered themselves in there when they are surrounded on all other sides by vast forest is beyond me.

They reach a locked portion that Cal saw before, and he encourages her to climb over. She makes it about halfway before Wakefield catches up. Poor Cal tells Chloe he loves her, and tries to use his gun as a bludgeon, but is extremely outmatched. Wakefield drives the sword into his chest as Chloe watches and screams. Aw. In most mystery/horror situations, you don't really care about the victims, which makes their deaths less traumatic. Cal was a good egg, though, which makes this much sadder. The pensive music agrees with me as Wakefield throws Cal's body over the bridge down to the water below. Abby and Henry see Wakefield turning his attention to Chloe, but are too far away to do anything. Chloe looks up at Wakefield, and sadly says "You can't have me," before letting go of the bridge and allowing herself to fall. Wakefield looks up at Henry and Abby with a satisfied expression, then walks back towards the forest. Danny and Blond Tool emerge from the tunnel, but I can't tell if they spot Cal and Chloe's bodies or not.

MEANWHILE, Shea and Madison are still reading the file. A newspaper article screams worry that Wakefield wasn't working alone, which is right next to a mugshot of... Jimmy. Grouchbutt nods in triumph. Over at the storm grate, Trish is sleeping in the car, as Jimmy looks at her furtively. He moves to pull the shotgun out of her hands, and she wakes up. He tells her she shouldn't sleep with a loaded gun in her hands, and she settles down again. Jimmy looks extra suspicious. OK, so him as the second murderer makes some sense. I still like going for the longshot in case I'm right and can gloat about it later. So... Trish did it!

Next week on Harper's Island: DEATH!

Overall Grade: A-

Hanging Out

Harper's Island - Season 1, Episode 10

Previously on Harper's Island: DEATH!

Shea talks to Madison, who creepily brats about the "game" in which the sheriff hid her for Abby to find. Madison says he promised her the prize of Richard coming back; I'd be curious to see how he explains that one away now. Shane shows Katherine's body to Henry, while the rest of the panicked wedding party discusses how and/or why the sheriff would punish them to get at Abby. Jimmy goes to gas up a boat so that everyone can finally flee. Henry shares the news of Katherine's death with everyone, and makes plans to swing by the clinic to get Cal, Chloe, and the sheriff before heading to the marina.

MEANWHILE, a state police plane makes its way to the island, ostensibly to arrest JD. The two cops blather on for a weirdly long time. Henry and Abby reach the clinic, where they're told by Cal and Chloe about the sheriff's disappearance. Henry promises to find him. Someone in a sheriff's uniform approaches the marina as the state police land, and shoots the two cops dead as they deplane. Oh, no! Now we'll never know more about that one cop and his fascination with what groups of animals are called!

MEANWHILE, the rest of the party hangs out in the woods for no reason. Abby wants to go find her father, directing everyone else to head for the boats. Henry decides to go with her, which makes Trish volunteer to come along, too. Shane and Jimmy reach the marina and spot the police boat, but not the two bodies floating in the water. Abby and company teleport over to the sheriff's house, where they find blueprints detailing the system of tunnels under the inn. Somehow this fills them with the panic to run for the marina, because Madison's testimony just didn't do the trick. I guess I can't blame them. Jimmy and Shane pull up to the gas pump, and find it has no power, so Shane jogs up the dock to the generator, finding the sheriff's missing oxygen tank on top. Rut roh.

MEANWHILE, the rest of the party has regrouped, and approaches the marina. Shane fiddles with the generator. You'd think the oxygen tank would give him pause. Suddenly, he spots the two dead cops floating in the water. That discovery is apparently no match for Jimmy's nagging, so he goes ahead and flips the generator switch, realizing that it's rigged to blow a second too late. He calls to Jimmy, but the entire marina goes up in a series of explosions. Shane runs clear, while Abby freaks out a hundred times harder than she has for all of the other murders (including her mother) combined. She doesn't have much time to process, however, because the person dressed in the sheriff's outfit starts firing on the group with a sniper rifle. Despite his deadly accuracy with arrows and harpoons, he now cannot hit the broad side of a barn. Henry is winged, but everyone makes it to the abandoned bar.

Abby yells at Shane for not warning Jimmy, despite knowing something was wrong. Why yes, this would be a perfect time to bring up the fact that Abby has been menaced and warned about the deaths on the island since Day One, and didn't feel the need to tell anyone. Thanks for noticing! Danny is still pinning his hopes on the state police, and Shane tells everyone about the cops' deaths. Things are looking pretty bleak for the sheriff, especially when Shane adds the evidence of the oxygen tank by the generator. Henry and Abby are still gung ho about innocent until proven guilty blah blah blah. I'm sure the audience is with them, because like the suspicion of JD, it's too simple. That said, the other characters can be forgiven for carping that there's plenty of evidence to at least assume for the time being that the sheriff can't be trusted. Cal takes Henry to the back to look at his wound.

MEANWHILE, Maggie is telling everyone that seven years ago, Wakefield pulled the same trick of blowing up the marina to keep people on the island. Shane adds that this time, the boats went with it. Blond Tool thinks they're all screwed, but Chloe remembers the sailboat that Cal has rented, which is docked far, far away from the marina. Cal says that everyone would fit on board, but getting to it safely is another matter. There's some squabbling about who would go pick the boat up to bring it to the marina. Chloe volunteers Shane, who's, like, "Um, no thanks." Someone approaches the door. Blond Tool tools that they should just shoot whoever it is. Dumbass. Luckily, everyone ignores him, because it turns out to be Nikki. You know, Nikki. That girl who's had about two minutes of screentime who runs the bar, and who discovered Kelly's body. Everyone wonders how she's out wandering without being in danger, and Maggie snarks that maybe the killer is just after the wedding party, not the locals. Shane retorts that Jimmy was local. Nobody mentions poor Kelly, the reverend, or Burnface McGee.

Nikki and Abby go back to the kitchen so Abby can tearfully tell her about Jimmy being on the boat when the marina went up. She cries that she never told Jimmy how she felt about him, because she always expected him to be there waiting for her. You'd think the never-ending string of murders might have spurred her to take some action. If it's any consolation, Jimmy knew how she felt. If it's any further consolation, I don't think he's dead. Abby also tells Nikki that everyone thinks her dad is behind the murders, but she can't believe it. Nikki reluctantly tells Abby that a lot happened while she was in LA, and that something in the sheriff "broke" while she was away.

MEANWHILE, out in the bar, Cal and Blond Tool ready themselves to make a break for the sailboat. Maggie's brain leaks out of the side of her head. I guess I shouldn't say things like that during a murder mystery show, because it may well be taken literally. No, I mean that Maggie decides that since the murderer didn't kill Nikki, then he must not be interested in killing locals, so she's decided to stroll on home. That's some of the weakest reasoning I've ever heard. She ignores me, and resolutely walks out. When she's not immediately cut down, Blond Tool thinks they should all follow her lead. I could use a break from his toolishness. Cal invites him to go whenever he'd like. Blond Tool pusses out.

MEANWHILE, Henry goes to console Shane about Jimmy's death, despite the bad blood between them. Shane says something typically assy, and for once, Henry doesn't jump down his throat, but genuinely inquires into why Shane is like this all the time. He wonders why Shane insults anyone who wasn't born on the island. Shane shrugs that while the locals are stuck there, Henry and his gang were stupid enough to volunteer to come back. He wonders why Henry would ever want to get married here. "Believe me, I'm having second thoughts," Henry cracks. That melts Shane's shell a little, and he smiles. He says that he's not leaving the island, even if it's been turned into a graveyard. Then he sucks down some scotch in honor of Jimmy.

MEANWHILE, Abby finally has time to actually ask Madison about her story. She wonders if the sheriff was physically OK, because she thought his leg was hurt pretty badly. Madison is typically unhelpful. Just when Abby gets to a pertinent question about whether Madison is sure it was Abby's dad who took her, Shea busts in all "Get away from her! Maddy's been through enough!" Yes, let's not get any information that might actually save the rest of your lives. By all means, let's spare Madison's feelings, and get even more people killed. Luckily, this fight is broken up when Madison announces that there's someone on the roof. Once again, the hotheads want to fire their guns madly, and cooler heads prevail. Perhaps this time, the hotheads had the right idea, because Maggie's body slams into the window, suspended by a noose. I hate to say it, but it kind of serves her right. Now, are Madison's pwecious feewings still top priority around here?

The guys head to the bar to concoct a distraction that will give Blond Tool and Cal a chance to escape to the sailboat. They mix up some Molotov cocktails. Abby somewhat hilariously shuts the blinds so that they don't have to stare at Maggie's body. Then they wait for dark. Darkness comes quickly, and we get an outside shot of the bar with Maggie still swinging around. Cal and Chloe confer in a corner. She worries for his safety, and apologizes for bringing him to this wedding. He wishes he didn't have to go, and gives her the ring to hold onto, because he wants to ask her something when he gets back. Talk about tempting Fate.

MEANWHILE, it's time to start tossing bombs. The Molotov cocktails explode into a hopefully distracting fire. Cal kisses Chloe, and upon seeing this, Blond Tool kisses Nikki. Seriously, what a tool. She's kind of a tool, too, so she's charmed. Cal and Blond Tool make a break for it. Cal idiotically dashes for the driver's side, forgetting that he's in America, even though he's been in America for God knows how long before this whole mess even started. This gives the murderer time to plug him with a (non-fatal) bullet. Though the plan is obviously botched, Blond Tool moves forward, shoving Cal into the car, and diving in after him as bullets continue to rain down on them. They manage to get away. As they speed off, Chloe wonders if one of them was hit, but nobody inside the bar can tell.

Blond Tool drives down the road for a bit, but gets concerned about Cal's wound, and takes him to the clinic over Cal's protestations. Back in the bar, Madison starts to catch the snap about where Richard is. As Cal promises to talk Blond Tool through the process of digging a bullet out, a police vehicle approaches the bar. Everyone inside quickly realizes that there's a body on the hood. Jeez, how do you drive around with a body on your hood without it falling off? That's some skill behind the wheel. The car comes to a stop, and Jimmy rolls off the hood onto the ground.

So of course, everyone comes pouring out of the bar, because they've learned nothing this past week. Abby feels for a pulse, and discovers that Jimmy is alive. Hey, it's about time I was right about something! They take Jimmy into the bar, and while I can understand the impulse, you'd think they'd wonder who's behind the wheel first. Oh, wait. It soon becomes apparent that the truck has driven off. It'd have been nice if they'd shown us that. Shane surmises that Jimmy had time to jump into the water before the marina blew up, and Danny finds Abby's room key taped to Jimmy's wrist. Trish interprets this as the sheriff wanting Abby to come to the room, and is offering Jimmy alive as a gesture of peace. Despite defending the sheriff up and down when Abby did it, now Henry declares that it's far too dangerous for Abby to do such a thing, offering everyone up to go with her. It'd be nice if he gave half the thought he gives his friend to his fiancee. Luckily, Abby's drama beacon goes off, and she declares that she's going alone. She struts off in much the same manner Maggie did, though she's got a gun and bit more of a sense of self-preservation.

She arrives at the inn, and finds the sheriff waiting in her old room. He asks if Jimmy arrived safely. Abby confirms this, and the sheriff reveals that he's made a deal with John Wakefield himself to keep Jimmy alive. Abby blabs the old party line about Wakefield being dead. Shut up and listen to what he has to say! She wonders why she should believe a word he says, and he tells her that her coming to the inn was part of a trap. He warns her to stay away from him.

MEANWHILE, Madison tells Trish that she lied about the sheriff kidnapping her. Creepy brat. I guess this time she has more of an excuse, because her "new friend" told her that Shea would disappear like Richard has if Madison didn't lie to Abby. The sheriff becomes more and more distraught, begging Abby to leave before she witnesses something horrible. She won't. She still doesn't buy that Wakefield is alive, and asks if she's Wakefield's daughter. The sheriff swears that she isn't. Abby finally notices the cord attached to the sheriff's hands and a walkie-talkie listening in nearby. The sheriff tells her it's too late for him, and wants her to go be with Jimmy. Abby tearfully asks if the sheriff traded his life for Jimmy's, and the sheriff begs her to kill Wakefield once and for all, as it's the only way to end the reign of terror. He manages to tell Abby that he loves her before he's pulled back through the window, ending up hanged, just as Maggie was. Abby runs outside, and is found by...Wakefield, who tells her she looks just like Valerie Harper. No, Abby looks just like Parker Posey.

Next week on Harper's Island: DEATH!

Overall Grade: B-

Feelings... Nothing More Than Feelings

Harper's Island - Season 1, Episode 9

One of the most realistic things that can happen when everyone hiding from a serial killer is holed up for safety is that they'll sit around fighting and talking out their issues. Realistic, but not much fun. In the interest of time and, well...interest, I'm going to gloss over the jabber-jabber.

Previously on Harper's Island: DEATH!

Danny, Shea, Katherine, and Trish are wandering around the inn blahing about Madison, when Blond Tool and Beth return from their half-hearted attempt to ditch the island. Cal, Chloe, and Abby tend to the sheriff's wounds at a medical clinic, as Jimmy and Henry drag JD's body in. As the sheriff tells Abby to keep Wakefield's diary safe, Jimmy discovers a few pages of it, which have fallen out of JD's pocket. He gives them to Henry.

MEANWHILE. Blah at the inn. Shea's mad at Blond Tool for attempting to leave. Blond Tool reports on JD's death. Trish wonders if that means JD didn't kill Sinister Dad. Dur. Blond Tool and Danny are lured out of the inn by bright headlights and loud music. They're soon held at gunpoint by Shane, who's looking for JD. Why the ruse and gunplay was needed to ask that question is beyond me. Blond Tool has to announce JD's death again. At the clinic, Henry and Abby blah about a bunch of stuff we've all heard before. Then, Henry teleports back to the inn to stop Shane from terrorizing everyone there.

MEANWHILE, Abby shows the diary to Jimmy. He tells her about the missing pages, and despite the fact that she's got all but a few pages (plenty of which escaped the fire), and the fact that she doesn't know what part of the book is relevant (if any), she decides that she must go get the missing pages from Henry right away. What'ere. Back at the inn, Maggie locks all the ways in or out except one set of doors, which won't do much good when characters can teleport at will. Shane continues being a douche. I'm not sure why the others don't kick him out of the inn and let him fend for himself. Abby and Jimmy teleport in to ask for the missing pages of Wakefield's diary, which leads Abby to discover that she may be Wakefield's daughter. Yeah, the audience jumped to that conclusion the second the sheriff mentioned the relationship between Wakefield and Valerie Harper. Nevertheless, the music is asking us to treat this as a huge reveal. All right, then. OH MY FUCKING GOD, ABBY MIGHT BE WAKEFIELD'S KID!

So of course everyone freaks out. Shane is naturally a huge douche about the whole thing, but his main point that Abby's presence is sparking all these murders isn't anything that friendlier voices haven't opined. The main problem is that even if Abby's presence is causing the murders, that doesn't mean she's committing them. Nobody bothers to think about why her being on the island is precipitating death, and it's annoying.

MEANWHILE, Katherine goes to find Shea, who is moping over Madison. Katherine tries to comfort her, and Shea yells at her, because a woman whose husband has been murdered and her daughter kidnapped isn't keen to accept solace from the Other Woman. Jimmy goes to talk to Abby (who's run outside), and she spills the details of her Ave Maria phone calls and the newspaper article taped to her mirror. Jimmy's like "Um, wouldn't this information have been useful before now?" and Abby sighs that she was hoping it was all a sick joke. You'd think the gobs of death since then might have convinced Miss Drama 2009 otherwise, but no. The whole point is that everything that's happening concerns Abby somehow and WE GET IT NOW.

MEANWHILE, seeing Cal help the sheriff has gotten Chloe all horny. They do it. Chloe and Cal, that is. Not Chloe and the sheriff (or Cal and the sheriff - heh). When Jimmy and Abby return to the inn's door, Shane won't let her back in. Henry beats him up, but they still don't kick him out, or tie him up, or lock him in a room somewhere or anything that would MAKE SENSE. Blond Tool, surprisingly, notices something other than himself or his sex doll, and asks where Beth is. She's such a non-entity that I wouldn't be surprised if she were all "I'm right here. I've been standing here the whole time," but no. She's missing. Danny and Blond Tool look around a bit before finding a trail of blood leading into a labyrinthine system of tunnels beneath the inn. Thus starts the search for Beth, which will take approximately seventeen hours. Even though the tunnels aren't hidden especially well, Maggie claims she had no idea they were there, guessing that they were used during Prohibition to funnel booze back and forth. Henry, Danny, Blond Tool, Abby, and Jimmy wind up being the search party. They've managed to lay their hands on powerful flashlights in the past four seconds.

MEANWHILE, back in the lounge, Shane offers consolation and liquor to Trish. She's not really in the mood for either. Especially when Katherine notes Shea's absence. Trish worriedly rushes to Shea's room, where she finds the Tower tarot card. "This is from my bachelorette party," she says. Well, no it isn't, since the creepy brat stole it, remember? In any event, Trish deduces that Shea must be on her way to visit the psychic. She wants to go get her, but Shane and Katherine try to convince her that wandering around outside at night when a killer is loose isn't the best plan. Trish pretends to agree until she has the chance to slip away and steal Shane's truck. There's that Wellington girl spirit! So headstrong! So stupid!

MEANWHILE, in the tunnels, there's some more snapping back and forth about Abby being Wakefield's kid. Blah. At a T-junction, the search party finds that the blood leads in two different directions, and decides to split up, because none of them have seen a mystery or horror movie ever. Danny and Blond Tool head one direction, while Jimmy, Henry, and Abby take the other. Back in the lounge, Shane and Katherine are having a drink and an awkward conversation about her status as a trophy wife (well, her status until the whole cleaver incident). I've got to say, with the very limited material she has to work with, the actress playing Katherine does a really good job. She cares about what's happening, but nobody wants her around, so she's saddened and helpless. Well done, Claudette Mink. She wanders off in disgust when Shane brings up her inheritance, so he starts carving his name in the bar. Maggie catches him, and he makes the probably-apt argument that nobody's ever going to stay at the inn again, anyway.

MEANWHILE, Trish catches up with Shea, who doesn't even turn around as the truck approaches. Lady, it's not going to do your kid much good if you're decapitated. We all applaud your maternal instincts; now stop being such a dumbass. Trish manages to talk Shea into at least joining her in the truck, if not going back to the inn.

Tunnels. Blah blah blah. Both search teams find small crawlspaces that Danny and Abby squeeze themselves into. Both make important discoveries. For Danny, it's Beth's mutilated corpse. Ah, Beth. Non-entity in life, and with a murder that not even the audience gets to witness, non-entity in death. Danny freaks out and crawls backwards back into the main tunnel. For Abby, it's a trap, of sorts. As she passes the midway point of the crawlspace, a gate closes behind her, blocking any backward movement. The guys aren't able to do anything about it, and ask her to stay put while they get some tools. Miss Drama ignores them, of course, and presses on. She finds her way to another big tunnel, and hears someone walking. She hurriedly squeezes herself into another crawlspace, and someone grabs her ankles and pulls. She manages to kick them off, wriggle through the crawlspace to another tunnel, grab her gun, and fire a round off back in the direction of her attacker. As she flees, she spots a door. It enters into a secret room with a bed. And on the bed...Madison. Alive and well.

MEANWHILE, the guys in the tunnels run into each other, and each explains what they've found. Abby leads Madison down the tunnels to a ladder. They begin to climb. Henry and the gang gets back to the lounge, where Shane is done carving his name. He tells them about Trish taking off. Shea and Trish tool down the road, Trish trying to convince Shea that once the sun is up the state police will arrive (I guess tipped off by the boat that already fled Harper's Island?) and they'll find Madison. Abby and Madison reach the top of the ladder, but cannot move the heavy grate on top. They hear the approaching truck, and Abby asks Madison to wave the flashlight as a signal. It's a good plan, but for the part where any plan that requires Madison to be competent is doomed to failure. She drops the flashlight down to the water below. Once the truck passes, Madison sticks her hand up through the grate. It's actually a very cool, creepy shot. By some miracle, Shea spots her in the mirror. Trish stops the truck, and they both rush back to help Madison and Abby.

MEANWHILE, Cal and Chloe have wrapped up their nookie, and Cal goes to check on the sheriff. The sheriff has vanished, along with his oxygen tank. Hmm. Back at the inn, Henry grabs some wire cutters or shears or whatever. Not sure how that's going to get through a thick iron gate, but A for effort. He's distracted by the truck returning. He drops the shears, gets a gun, and rushes out to talk to Trish (and inform her about Beth's death). As the sun rises, everyone gathers outside to hug and reunite. Well, everyone but Shane and Katherine, that is. Shane, because he's an outsider, and Katherine, because she's busy being dead. She's sitting on a wicker couch, and Shane sees pools of blood spreading beneath her lap. He rushes off, horrified, and the camera pans to the back of the couch, where someone has rammed a pair of shears through, into Katherine's back. Yes, shears. Outside, Madison asks Abby if she liked "the game". That would be the Kidnap Madison game, which Madison says was planned by...the sheriff. Dun dun duuuuuuuun!

Next week on Harper's Island: DEATH!

Overall Grade: C+

Filet of (Red) Herring

Harper's Island - Season 1, Episode 8

Previously on Harper's Island: DEATH!

Despite the fact that Maggie told the wedding party that they'd basically have the inn to themselves, now all sorts of people are crawling out of the woodwork to flee to the mainland. I guess I can't blame them, since the murderer refuses to restrict him or herself to the main cast. Shea wanders the inn, looking for Madison and calling out her name. Even though the inn's staff is fleeing the island along with all those newfound guests, a truly dedicated maid and floor buffer stay behind to do their duties. I'd love to be privy to their thought processes. "Well, a serial killer is on the loose, but these pillowcases aren't going to fold themselves!" Members of the wedding party pack their stuff onto the shuttle that will take them down to the marina. Henry tries to comfort Trish, saying he'll be along as soon as the arrangements with her dad's body are dealt with.

MEANWHILE, at the prison, the sheriff cuffs JD and leads him out of his cell, while Shane, who's been cooling his heels here for a while, smirks and makes obnoxious comments. JD is hauled into another room, where the sheriff sits him down, and asks him to explain all these murders. JD protests his innocence, though not especially vehemently. The sheriff asks about Burnface McGee, and JD tells him where the old coot can be found, but warns the sheriff that he's not too popular in that neighborhood.

MEANWHILE, Jimmy says good-bye to Abby. I have no idea why he's not going to the mainland along with everyone else. Shea arrives in a panic about not being able to find either Madison or Richard. Katherine begins to wonder whether Richard may have spirited Madison off somewhere, but is interrupted by Trish. No idea about that, either. Henry promises Shea that they'll find Madison before the boat goes anywhere. He approaches the rest of the wedding party, and asks for help in finding her. After some initial hesitation, they agree.

MEANWHILE, Shane and JD are fighting in their adjacent cells. A deputy comes in to yell at them. Suddenly, the lights go out, and a shotgun blast fires. The deputy falls dead to the floor, dropping his keys by JD's cell. A few moments later, another blast fires. Shane prays not to be gunned down in his cell, and gets his wish when the lights come back on. JD manages to reach the keys, and lets himself out. Shane makes a rare good point in that if JD leaves without freeing Shane, he's just going to look more guilty. JD doesn't seem to mind, and flings the keys down at the deputy's corpse. Shane threatens to kill JD the next time they meet. I'm not sure the rantings of the local hick would bother anyone who's just seen a real murderer in action.

MEANWHILE, Maggie leads Shea and Trish to the room she gave to Richard last night. You'd think they'd have looked here before now. It turns out not to matter, as it looks like Richard never used it. Trish tries to convince Shea that while Richard was a crappy husband, he's a good father, and would never kidnap Madison. The whole Richard-took-Madison theory is certainly not out of the realm of possibility (as far as the characters know), but I'm surprised that the other obvious conclusion - that whoever killed Sinister Dad has also come for Richard and Madison - hasn't occurred to any of them.

MEANWHILE, the sheriff heads into Burnface McGee's territory. The search parties look for Madison. The sheriff almost sets off one of the forest's many Goonies booby traps, but backs away from the trip-wire when he hears a noise. The noise turns out to be Lucy's purse dog, which causes the sheriff to relax, then set off the trap after all. Creepy little children and purse dogs ruin everything. A pointy implement swings and impales the sheriff in the leg. He does the worst thing you can do, and yanks the implement out. I don't know much about deadly booby traps, but even I remember the basic tenet of first aid that says you don't pull things out of a puncture wound. Chloe, Cal, Shea, and Trish are at the inn, and decide to check the basement, where they find Malcolm's seared handprint on the incinerator door, and his skull in the fire. Shea freaks out, but Cal is able to tell that there's no way it belongs to a child. Abby, Katherine, and Henry are at the water's edge, and discover Richard's body harpooned to a tree. Just then, Abby's phone rings. It's Madison, saying that she's been told to say that she'll be killed if anyone leaves the island. Rut roh.

Abby and Henry try to call the sheriff, but can't get a cell phone signal. They at least have the grace to mention that it's weird that Madison can call them, but they can't call anyone else. They rush back to the inn, where they discover all the phones are dead. Somehow, they manage to gather all the other search parties to form some sort of plan. Katherine brings up the valid question of why Abby was called instead of anyone having any real connection to Madison. This goes unanswered. Also, everyone thinks JD is in jail, so they wonder who induced Madison to make the call. Blond Tool says that the victims have been Richard, Sinister Dad, and Madison, so this is clearly a problem with Trish's family. Everyone jumps down his throat, and although he's being a tool as always, it is the most likely conclusion for him to jump to.

Henry shatters all of that by revealing the murder of Uncle Marty. Blond Tool wants to leave the island immediately, but Shea begs him to stay and find Madison. He snaps that her life isn't more important than any of the others', and Trish smacks him across the face. Again, he's a huge tool, and being dismissive of a child's life in front of her mother is awful, but yeah... It's a tricky situation. He's not only being asked to risk his life for a kid he met (and probably doesn't like, for good reason) a few days ago, but he's not even really being asked. It's expected of him. Now he and every other adult on the island will be easy prey, and even leaving out any locals still hanging around, that's still more than a dozen lives being tossed onto the poker table for one kid. This was actually really clever of the writers as both a moral issue and as a way of keeping the main characters on the island. Kudos to them.

MEANWHILE, the badly wounded sheriff is approached by someone in the woods, but is too weak to do much about it. Back at the inn, Chloe is compiling a list of dead and missing guests. The others snap at her for this, but I don't see why. It won't do anyone any good to pretend that Lucy is partying it up in Seattle or that Malcolm vanished without taking any of his stuff. In fact, I don't see why the groomsmen don't bring up Booth's death right now. They may as well. Suddenly, the lights cut out. This spurs a new plan in which Maggie hands over all the inn's guns (I guess the skeet shooting ones) so that everyone can defend themselves. Cal argues that giving unskilled, terrified people weapons is a recipe for disaster, but to no avail. Jimmy enters, and is almost shot by said unskilled, terrified people. He says he came to take Abby to a boat, as the one carrying all the other people left about a half hour previously.

The people originally not too thrilled about the whole let's-stay-and-die-for-Madison's-sake (Blond Tool, Chloe, and Beth) offer Jimmy money to take them to the mainland. There's some bickering. Abby and Jimmy head to the sheriff's station to try and reach someone on the battery-powered radio.

MEANWHILE, Burnface McGee has taken the sheriff to his cabin. He says that he's been in town a few weeks, setting booby traps and hunting the killer. Well, he certainly excels at one of those things, and sucks at the other. The purse dog has evidently taken the place of his dead attack dog. That's quite a swap. There's some talk about Abby's involvement in the whole affair, and Burnface McGee pulls out a book for the sheriff to read.

MEANWHILE, Henry and Danny go down to the old generator to try and get it working. Danny is bemoaning his karmic punishment for taking the money from Hunter's boat, but Henry doesn't think the two are connected. Danny takes a moment to intelligently suggest that maybe the generator is rigged, just like the chandelier at the church was. Henry basically ignores him, and fiddles with it. For someone who's ostensibly the hero of our story, Henry's kind of an ass. Maybe he's the killer. I have no real evidence of this; he just responds to situations in weird ways. Though a spark gives them both a good scare, the generator doesn't explode. It doesn't turn on, either. Henry suggests jumping it with cables from a nearby truck (Shane's, if I'm not mistaken).

MEANWHILE, Abby and Jimmy arrive at the sheriff's station to discover that the radio has been smashed. Man, the murderer is busy this week. They also hear Shane calling out for help, and make their way back to the cells, where Jimmy slips on the deputy's blood. Ew. Shane describes what happened earlier, and tells Abby that he knows where her dad went, having overheard the conversation between the sheriff and JD. He promises to tell her what she wants to know if they spring him.

MEANWHILE, the jumping trick works, and the inn's power comes back on. Danny and Henry come back to the lounge, where they discover...nobody. A whistling kettle leads them to Shea, Trish, and Katherine in the kitchen. It seems that everyone else has jumped ship. Henry promises to round them all up, leaving Danny to stay with the women.

MEANWHILE, the sheriff finishes reading what turns out to be Wakefield's diary, which is apparently pretty horrible, though we're never told any specifics. The sheriff and Burnface McGee talk out their issues like they're members of the Babysitter's Club. Burnface McGee insists that JD isn't the killer, and has been helping him try to find the person responsible for the recent murders. He also says that Abby coming back to the island has set off the recent chain of events, but if that's true, I don't see how Cousin Ben's murder fits in. Not wanting the sheriff's death on his hands with Abby wandering around, Burnface McGee leaves the cabin to get medical help. The purse dog goes with him, and senses something. Burnface McGee doesn't react quickly enough, and is pinned to the cabin with an arrow shot out of the woods. He drops the lantern he's holding, starting a fire. I'll say this for the murderer: He or she certainly has an impressive repertoire. Another arrow tears through the window, and the sheriff hurls himself to the floor, dragging himself towards his gun. A final arrow finishes off Burnface McGee, and he drops the satchel containing Wakefield's journal by the fire.

The sheriff reaches his gun. Fat lot of good it does him now. Jimmy and Abby burst in the door. Man, Jimmy's come close to being shot a lot this week. The sheriff sends Abby out to get the satchel before it burns. She manages it. The sheriff asks Jimmy to take him to the marina. Speaking of which, the four fleeing wedding party members arrive there, and select a suitable boat to steal. Cal has second thoughts, and decides that he couldn't live with himself if Madison were hurt because he left. He tells Chloe he knows she feels the same way, and she agrees to go back with him. Beth waffles. Cal spots JD running, which gets Blond Tool and Beth off the boat. I'm not sure why. I guess to go shoot him, which is dumb, given the conversation back at the inn about how JD was in jail when Madison's phone call was made. Abby, Jimmy, and the sheriff arrive, and Abby refuses to abandon her father to go wait in safety on the mainland. Blond Tool approaches to tell them that JD is in the vicinity. Jimmy and Abby take guns to go find him. But... They know JD was in jail when the deputy was shot, and the sheriff knows that JD was helping Burnface McGee. Everyone left on the island knows something isn't adding up. Why still the bandwagon about hunting JD down?

Jimmy leaves Abby alone to check something out. Of course. Why stick together? Abby hears a person in distress, and carefully walks down one of the docks. She finds JD lying on the ground. He's been stabbed in the gut, and is slipping away. So naturally, instead of saying "[So-and-so] did this," he grunts out some enigmatic crap about how all the murders are tied to Abby, then dies. Abby turns around to discover...Henry. Crying and drenched in blood. Well, now. Isn't this an interesting turn of events?

Next week on Harper's Island: DEATH!

Overall Grade: B

Burn Notice

Harper's Island - Season 1, Episode 7

Previously on Harper's Island: DEATH!

The sheriff arrives at the inn, which spurs talk amongst the wedding party about room searches and such. This freaks Malcolm out, because he still hasn't bothered to hide the ill-gotten money anyplace safer than under his bed. Shea and Madison sit in the dining room. Madison is a creepy brat some more. Shea looks like she's starting to catch the snap that her daughter's a psycho. Malcolm rushes upstairs to try and transfer the money from the satchel to his backpack, but he's interrupted by a knock at the door. Instead of asking who it is, he continues with his panic, and tosses the satchel of money out the window. He could have saved himself the trouble, because it's only Beth at the door, there to thank him for giving her a shoulder to blubber on.

MEANWHILE, Henry tries to talk to Trish. He says that while there's a charter boat coming later to take everyone back to Seattle, he can stay on the island until her dad's body is released. He also wants to know where their wedding stands now. Trish is too upset to offer any sort of opinion. Abby is met in the lobby by Jimmy, who's looking more like Milo Ventimiglia by the day. They both bemoan the fact that murder sprees always seem to get in the way of their budding romance. Yeah, poor you. We're catapulted into a flashback of seven years ago, when Harper's Island was some sort of sun-dappled paradise. Nikki and Abby giggle over the fact that Jimmy has invited Abby to go camping (the locals use camping as an excuse to bone each other). Abby figures if it ain't broke, don't fix it, and is all too willing to give it up. Jimmy overhears the last bit, and is all smiles. He and Abby make with the smooches.

MEANWHILE... Well, not meanwhile. Seven years later, the sheriff searches JD's room and finds some firecrackers. Henry comes in, and the sheriff snarks that Henry knew JD put the dead raccoon on the church altar, and didn't tell him. Wait, did Henry show the firecracker to the sheriff? I thought he hid it. Also, all the guests knew that JD had firecrackers. Why is it such a surprise now? ALSO, also, though the firecracker and the raccoon were found together, it doesn't automatically follow that JD is responsible for the animal carcass. We pass over all of that, and Henry just whines that he was trying to protect JD. Things get worse for the absent JD when the sheriff discovers the anti-depressant (or anti-psychotic) medication in the bathroom. Henry says that JD hasn't been taking his pills. Then the sheriff finds Uncle Marty's cell phone in JD's bag. That's enough evidence for him to assume for now that JD is the killer.

MEANWHILE, the inn staff takes down all the wedding decorations. Abby spots Henry trying to talk to a very unreceptive Trish. He comes over, and tells Abby about the cell phone, and that Trish must blame him for his brother being a psycho killer (in addition to being a depressive Froot Loop). He wanders off to convince the sheriff to let him come along on the search for JD. Abby takes a plate of food over to Trish, and they bond over their dead parents.

MEANWHILE, we get some interweaving scenes between sun-dappled-seven-years-ago, and now. Back then, Abby packs for her "camping" trip, which her Valerie Harperesque mother disapproves of, because she knows exactly what Abby's up to. In the present, Abby tells Trish that she was helped by going to talk to her mother's body before the funeral. Trish doesn't know if she can go through with that. In flashback, land, Valerie Harper extracts a promise from Abby that she'll be home by breakfast, and tacitly agrees to cover for her. Abby and Jimmy head off into the woods, chatting about the future, until a massive explosion from the docks rattles them.

MEANWHILE, the sheriff and Henry walk through the woods and talk about JD. Henry somewhat blames himself for the way that JD turned out, and we learn that Uncle Marty was JD's guardian after his and Henry's parents died. The two of them didn't get along well, as Uncle Marty was hardly the paternal type. The sheriff points out that plenty of people have had worse lives than JD and turned out fine.

MEANWHILE, Malcolm interrupts the gardener, who's trimming hedges with an electric chainsaw. This chainsaw was also seen earlier when Abby took the food to Trish. Why do I get the feeling we'll see it later, too? Malcolm snags the satchel from underneath his window, and dashes back to his room to transfer the money to a backpack. His bad luck continues, though, when Blond Tool and Danny barge in, Blond Tool demanding to know where Muffin is. Sure. You've seen two dead bodies in as many days, one of which was killed right before your eyes. You're hiding the fact that you've stolen thousands of dollars. One of your best friends has vanished. People are having their rooms searched by police. Naturally, the only thing you'd care about at a time like this is where your blow-up sex doll is. There's being a Tool, and there's just plain stupid. Assuming she's in the backpack, Blond Tool snags it and discovers the money. Malcolm swears he can explain.

MEANWHILE, Abby and Trish go to talk to Sinister Dad's body. The annoying coroner pulls Abby aside and needlessly reminds her that neither of them should look under the sheet. As Trish prepares to pour out her heart, we rejoin Abby and Jimmy in Flashback Land. They rush to the docks where Henry and the sheriff are attempting to administer first aid to Burnface McGee, who appears to be a deputy of some type. The sheriff sends Abby to report to her mother. In the present, Malcolm spills his guts. Not literally. Yet. He tells Danny and Blond Tool the whole story about Booth and the money. Danny socks him across the jaw. He announces that they have to tell the sheriff everything, and that there's no way they're leaving Booth in an unmarked grave on this island.

MEANWHILE, Henry tells the sheriff that back in the day, JD and some girl had a suicide pact. Henry came home in time to save JD, but not the girl. After that, he and Uncle Marty put JD into an institution, for which JD never forgave them. At the morgue, Trish finishes up, comes out to the lobby, and thanks Abby for taking an interest in her. She worries that her relationship with Henry will never be the same. Abby asks the coroner to take Trish back to the inn, because Abby needs to stop by her dad's place. The coroner doesn't think that's wise or safe, but Abby blows him off. In Flashback Land, Abby arrives home to find that the door has been forced, and her mother's coffee cup lies shattered on the ground. The sheriff calls in a panic, and orders her to lock all the doors and windows. In the present, Abby leaves the sheriff's house, where she's confronted by Burnface McGee. He tells her that JD is innocent, and that the sheriff is a liar who can't be trusted. He instructs her to ask her father about Wakefield's revenge against him.

MEANWHILE, in Flashback Land, Abby is ever the drama/danger queen, and disobeys her father to go wandering in the woods, looking for her mother. She witnesses Wakefield (I assume - we never see his face) murdering one of the locals with the head spade, and cries out. Wakefield comes after her, but is surprised by Jimmy in his truck. When Wakefield turns his attention to Jimmy, he roars off in the truck, and Abby uses the opportunity to escape. In the present, the police find JD, and after a brief chase, Henry tackles him on the docks. JD protests his innocence. After JD is locked up, Henry and the sheriff meet up with Abby, who confronts her father about what Burnface McGee said. The sheriff says that Wakefield wasn't after him, but Valerie Harper. Turns out that she and Wakefield dated when they were younger, and when Valerie Harper ran away, Wakefield tracked her for revenge. Oh, please don't tell me that Abby is going to turn out to be Wakefield's kid.

In Flashback Land, Abby pleads with her father not to be sent away. In his pain, he snaps that maybe Valerie Harper got what she deserved. In the present, he admits that when Wakefield first came after her, he sent his deputies, including Burnface McGee, to teach him a lesson. When Burnface McGee got hurt, the sheriff charged Wakefield with attempted murder, and put him away for a long time. Funny how that affects a man they already know is hell-bent on revenge. It made him even more so. The sheriff just thought it'd be easier to let Abby hate him than besmirch the memory of her mother.

MEANWHILE, Trish tells Shea that she's calling off the wedding for good, because she can't look at Henry without reliving Sinister Dad's death. Shea tries to tell her not to rush anything, but Trish has made up her mind. Madison is hanging around in some lobby somewhere. By herself, of course. Someone spots her through a window, and slips a note under the door. She reads it, and quickly exits. Malcolm goes down to the basement to throw the money into the incinerator. By himself, of course. Sigh. You wouldn't be able to pry me away from other people if I knew there was a murderer loose on the island. I'd be hanging out with the inn's employees all day. Malcolm has no such qualms, which is why it's ridiculously easy for the murderer to wait until the money is disposed of before disposing of Malcolm. He's chopped from behind, and in his screams and death throes, is only able to grasp the incinerator with his bloody hand, which can't feel great, either.

MEANWHILE, Abby goes to talk to Trish. She intimates that Trish shouldn't make any rash decisions about ending things with Henry, and hands Trish a picture of her and Henry when they were little kids. Trish softens. In Flashback Land, the sheriff puts Abby on the ferry to the mainland. Jimmy runs down to the dock yelling, but doesn't get there in time. In the present, Abby meets Jimmy at the dock, and apologizes for never contacting him during the seven years she was away. She also tells him that he saved her life that day in the woods with Wakefield, which he already knew. She leans in and kisses him, not caring that he's covered in fish guts.

MEANWHILE, Madison clutches the note she was given, and slowly walks to one of the inn's rooms. She calls for Richard as she enters the room, and the door is slammed behind her. I guess it's too much to ask that next week opens with the unfortunate news of her demise. I'm sorry! She gets on my nerves.

Next week on Harper's Island: DEATH!

Overall Grade: B-

Into the Woods

Harper's Island - Season 1, Episode 6

Previously on Harper's Island: DEATH! IN FULL VIEW OF OTHER CHARACTERS!

Finally! Finally, the characters of Harper's Island can no longer wander around in blissful ignorance, planning scavenger hunts and going fishing. Everyone in the church freaks out over Sinister Dad being cleaved by the head spade, and with good reason. It's fairly gross. Hilariously, everyone is too busy with their own shock to worry about young Madison staring at her grandfather's bloody corpse until she starts emitting piercing screams. Richard takes his jacket off and puts it over Sinister Dad's face. The blood soon leaks through. The sheriff hears the commotion and busts into the church. Wait a minute. Two weeks ago -- that is to say, thirty seconds ago in the show's universe -- the sheriff was down by the water's edge, fishing out the reverend's body parts. I envy these characters' teleportation powers. He first rushes to Abby to make sure she's not hurt. Aw. Abby's in too much of a daze to explain what happened, but it's not too difficult to piece together. No pun intended. He asks the rest of the wedding party to step outside. Most are only too glad to get out of there, but Henry has to drag a hysterical Trish.

Katherine sits catatonic in a pew. The sheriff rouses her, and leads her outside, where everyone else continues to freak out. Who the hell is that old lady standing next to Abby? The sheriff asks a blood-spattered Maggie and Henry to get everyone back to the inn, and strongly recommends that everyone stick together; it's certainly not the time to be wandering off by themselves. Abby gets a call from an unknown caller, and when she answers, hears only "Ave Maria". It makes her more visibly upset than Sinister Dad's gruesome death. Madison spots JD hiding behind a nearby tree. He puts his finger to his lips, and she nods, content to keep his presence a secret.

Back at the inn, the groomsmen and Beth are having some stiff drinks, and discussing the situation with all the sensitivity and intelligence you'd expect. That is to say, not much. They agree that the wedding will have to be postponed (ya think?), and Blond Tool wants to leave the island immediately, because when a murder has been committed, the witnesses are free to take off whenever they'd like. MEANWHILE, the sheriff and deputy are processing the scene at the church. The annoying coroner shows up. They agree that the reverend was probably killed to give the murderer time to set up this convoluted booby trap, and that the modus operandi is very Wakefield-esque. The annoying coroner thinks the victim was randomly chosen, but the sheriff points out the notebook on the altar with a schematic of where everyone was standing. But that notebook hasn't been sitting around in the church; it's Maggie's. Very suspicious.

MEANWHILE, Shea brushes Madison's hair, which always makes Madison feel better. I'm thinking it may not do the trick this time. Henry tends to Trish, but is distracted by a knock at the door. It's Abby, stopping by to check on them, and Henry steps outside to confer with her. Trish glares at Richard and Katherine. Henry tells Abby he doesn't know what to do, and Abby tells him to just be there for Trish. Which he was doing before she interrupted. He lets her in on the fight he and JD had, and that JD said there was one more surprise for Henry. They fret over whether JD is capable of murder. I doubt that the guy whose big idea for getting attention is firecrackers would be able to set up the chandalier contraption.

MEANWHILE, Cal and Chloe are just returning from an ill-fated sailing excursion, during which they lost their wind and couldn't get back in time for the rehearsal. So, having now reached the mainland, they rush to the church to catch up with everyone. Hah! Just kidding, of course. No, the people who are monumentally late to the wedding rehearsal in which Chloe is supposed to be a member decide that there's plenty of time to stop by the local bar to call Trish. I guess so much time may have passed that they figure the rehearsal is over anyway, but then why not just go back to the inn? Oh, because then Cal wouldn't hear a story from Nikki about a local hick who found Cal's ring on the beach and proposed to his on-again-off-again girlfriend.

MEANWHILE, Abby returns to her room, where she discovers that JD has broken in. She's understandably frightened, but JD babbles that his surprise was a Roman candle in the Unity candle. He thinks the pseudo-theory that Wakefield is alive that Abby spouted when she was facing off with Shane could actually be true. He thinks he spotted Wakefield outside of the church, and discovered something else that he wants to show her. She's hesitant, but eventually agrees, because she's attracted to drama and danger like a mosquito to a bug zapper.

MEANWHILE, Richard tells Trish, Henry, Madison, Shea, and Katherine that the sheriff's on his way to talk to all of them. He gives a gung-ho "We're a family, let's stick together!" speech that makes Trish pop. She spills the affair he's having with Katherine to everyone else, just in time for the sheriff to overhear it. Whoopsie! The sheriff thinks starting the questioning with Richard would be expedient. Heh.

MEANWHILE, Cal tries to convince the hick that the ring is his. He's as successful as you'd expect. He walks back to Chloe, who can't get Trish on the phone, for obvious reasons. He relates the story of the lost ring, which gets Chloe first misted up with romance, then fired up to do battle with the hicks. Awesome. This reminds me of a roommate I had in college who we used to sic on utility companies when they tried to pull shit. She was an expert at completely demolishing them, and had the ironic name of Honey.

MEANWHILE, JD and Abby walk through the woods. So much for "stick together", I guess. Abby has the modicum of good sense to be troubled by the danger she's in, but not enough to not put herself into that danger. JD leads her to a tree, and pulls a knife. She's really scared now, but not so much that she, you know, puts up a fight or runs away or anything. Luckily for her, instead of stabbing her, JD directs her attention to the top of the tree, where a body is strung up. He moves to cut it down, which she doesn't want him to do for some unknown reason. He does it anyway, and the bottom half of Uncle Marty falls to the ground, followed a few seconds later by his top half. Yay, there is so much being resolved in this episode!

MEANWHILE, Trish apologizes to Shea for shattering her marriage in front of an audience. Shea had no idea Richard was cheating on her. That dispensed with, Trish must then admit that she told Sinister Dad about the affair earlier this morning, causing Shea fresh pain. She's especially pissed that Richard betrayed Sinister Dad, after all the generosity Sinister Dad bestowed upon him. In the other room, the sheriff is talking to Richard. Richard married Shea shortly after starting work for her family, and started sleeping with Katherine six weeks ago. He hated Sinister Dad, and slept with his wife in part to humiliate him, but swears he didn't murder him, claiming to have spent the day with Madison. The sheriff tries out a question about the Wakefield murders, but Richard doesn't know much about them.

MEANWHILE, Henry is wandering around the lawn by himself for no apparent reason. Seriously, that "stick together" direction was good advice, you nimrods. He runs into Abby, who must inform him of Uncle Marty's death. JD shows up, and Henry attacks. The two of them roll around the lawn, with Abby trying to break them up. She eventually pries them apart, and she and JD convince Henry that the killer is either Wakefield or a very good copycat.

MEANWHILE, Chloe approaches the dancing hicks, and pretends to have slept with the guy. Normally, I'd be annoyed by this pointless distraction of a plotline, but it's actually pretty amusing. Her ploy works. Girl Hick explodes with rage, and flings the ring across the bar, where Cal recovers it. He and Chloe dash out of the bar, Chloe giggling happily. Heh.

MEANWHILE, a few more loose ends are attended to, as Beth attempts to call Lucy. Malcolm joins her, and asks her if Lucy is in Seattle, hanging out with a guy. Beth says that that's what everyone's been saying, but can't confirm it. I think an inkling of truth might be seeping into the minds of the younger, stupider members of the wedding party. Malcolm perpetuates the lie that Booth is back with his family, and he and Beth huddle together in worry.

MEANWHILE, the sheriff plays War with Madison as he interviews her. Despite being in shock the last time we saw her, now she's all chatty and happy. Creepy brat. She tells the sheriff that she spent the day with Richard, swimming and playing ping pong. He seems satisfied, and steps outside. Madison asks Shea if she did well, telling her that she repeated everything Richard asked her to say. Shea turns to Trish, appalled.

MEANWHILE, Abby shows Henry and JD her father's Wall of Crazy. They determine that the sheriff has been tracking someone for a long time, whether it's Wakefield or a copycat. They find a stack of postcards accusing the sheriff of being a liar, though about what, they have no idea. They teleport back to the inn, where they tell the sheriff about Uncle Marty's body. They also confront him with a picture from his Wall of Crazy about Wakefield still being alive, which he denies. JD says that the only way to make sure is to dig up Wakefield's grave, which the sheriff can't endorse. He tosses JD into the hotel's walk-in cooler. JD snarks that the sheriff is just trying to look like a hero, and the sheriff retorts that it's an odd coincidence that JD wasn't present for Sinister Dad's death, that he discovered his uncle, and that he was the last person to see Kelly alive. Snap! He locks JD in the walk-in, and leaves, pausing only to tell Abby that he's getting her off the island tomorrow.

MEANWHILE, Trish goes to confront Katherine. She tells Katherine that Richard lied about his whereabouts earlier in the morning, and Katherine denies having been with him. So where has Richard been, hmmmmm? Henry and Abby reconvene, and decide to go ahead with JD's whole dig-up-Wakefield's-grave plan.

MEANWHILE, Cal and Chloe finally get back to the inn, where the other members of the wedding party fill them in on the fun they've missed. After they've absorbed the news, Chloe points out that the head spade that killed Sinister Dad has been missing from the maritime museum since the scavenger hunt. Danny comes in, and informs everyone that the sheriff said that nobody's allowed to leave until they've been questioned, like, DUH. They finally realize that they may be thought of as suspects, and not just witnesses. I'm going out on a limb, and predicting that no member of the wedding party was ever valedictorian.

MEANWHILE, the sheriff questions Katherine. She says that Richard used to fantasize about Sinister Dad dying, so he could take over the company, but that they were never serious threats, just jokes. Trish interrupts to insist Katherine show the sheriff articles that Katherine found. Um, why is Trish even there? I can understand her being present (along with Shea) for Madison's interview, but what business does she have here now? Katherine doesn't seem to mind, and shows the sheriff a bunch of newspapers she found in Richard's briefcase. They're the very articles about the Wakefield murders that Abby spotted when she was putting together her stupid scrapbook. Another loose end tied up! Also, it seems that Richard knows more about Wakefield than he admitted. Plus, he was the only one present when Trish almost drowned. It's looking bleaker and bleaker for him. The sheriff asks Katherine and Trish to keep this information to themselves.

MEANWHILE, JD passes the time by constructing a tower of canned vegetables. Madison lets him out of the walk-in, saying she snagged the key from Maggie's desk. She tells him people think Richard killed Sinister Dad, but it doesn't seem to upset her much, being a creepy brat and all. JD takes off, and Madison gleefully kicks over the vegetable tower.

MEANWHILE, Abby and Henry, instead of going directly to Wakefield's grave while it was still light out, have sensibly decided to dig it up in the dead of night. By themselves. After telling nobody where they'd be. Twits. Just as they reach the coffin, the sheriff shows up, looking for the missing JD. Abby apologizes, but says she needs to know the truth. The sheriff says he'll allow them to open the coffin, and when they do, they discover a skeleton grinning up at them. That seems to settle the issue, although we could also have just discovered where Lucy wound up. Abby and the sheriff discuss the issue while Henry does all the work of filling in the grave. The sheriff has suspected there has been a Wakefield copycat for years, but never imagined that he or she would come to this island. JD is still not cleared of suspicion. Abby also apologizes for going through her father's things, and the two of them make up over the fights and problems they've had since the original murder spree. The sheriff plans to send most of the guests home tomorrow, but tells Henry that he'll have to bring JD in. JD is hiding in the trees nearby, and overhears everything.

MEANWHILE, Cal and Chloe discuss their relationship. She hopes to become engaged, and promises to be less critical of Cal's overthinking everything. He promises he'll propose, but not on the same day Trish's dad was slaughtered. She's placated for the time being, and snuggles up to him to go to sleep. He stares intently into the middle distance.

MEANWHILE, Richard wanders around outside. Alone. "Stick together" just doesn't have the same weight it once did. He's on the phone with what sounds like his lawyer. He says that he hasn't been charged with anything, but doesn't want to make another move without the lawyer present. He's also worried about what Shea will do, now that she knows he's been cheating on her, and is royally pissed. He looks through the window at Madison, who's playing solitaire. He insists he's not interested in money, but wants to fight for "share...." That was probably going to be "shared custody", though I suppose it could have been "Cher tickets". I don't think shared custody is going to be much of a viable option, though, because before Richard can get the sentence out, he's speared with a harpoon. Eep. Madison looks up, and appears to see what's going on. Richard manages to groan her name before the harpoon is pulled back, and Richard is pulled somewhat comically off-screen. Madison actually didn't see any of this, but is simply looking at her reflection in the window.

MEANWHILE, JD runs through the woods to a cabin. He knocks on the door, and is admitted by Burnface McGee, looking like an even crazier Gary Busey.

Now, that was a satisfying episode. Figures that just as we get the real excitement rolling, I read that the show has been cancelled. Hopefully, that just means there won't be a Season 2, and they'll burn off the rest of Season 1 so we can at least get some closure.

Next week on Harper's Island: DEATH!

Overall Grade: A