Finale

Project Runway - Season 5, Episode 14

For the first time, the fight for all the marbles comes down to three ladies. The first part of the episode glides by without much to remark on, as it's been with the majority of the season. The designers are busy. Kenley's snooty and defensive. Rinse and repeat. Models are chosen, including an extremely rough-looking Naima.

Korto wisely ditches her fugly wedding dress and cobbles together two new looks, both of which are an improvement, though I wish she would've steered away from that dismal beige fabric. Kenley's first down the final runway, and two of her looks are downright beautiful. The rest are merely okay, save one with that nasty granny print Kenley's so fond of, and another that would have been nice, had it not had a tumor of the granny fabric growing out of it.

Korto's line has a beautiful African feel to it, and she's clearly made improvements to several garments since Tim's visit. Leanne incorporates the panels symbolic of waves into every garment, some of which are more successful than others. Though Nina rightly points out that there's a danger of becoming one-note, she also points out that Leanne provided shorts, dresses, skirts, jackets, and pants. It's refreshing that all three of the lines are good, and there's no worry of a flash-in-the-pan poseur winning. Not that that's ever happened.

When it comes down to the final decision (with Tim as guest judge, since Jennifer Lopez (and I'm sorry, but what credentials does she have to help pick a winner of a fashion competition), bowed out due to a (possibly) fake foot injury, and have I lost control of this sentence?), no time is wasted in chucking Kenley out first. Is she snooty and defensive? She is!

An informal poll is taken amongst the viewing party, and the general feeling is that Korto will probably win the day. It is not to be, however. Leanne, who most of us discounted as a boring mouse who would probably be eliminated within four episodes, wins the competition, and I'm not sorry to see her do it. Korto's highs were higher than Leanne, but there's no denying that her lows were lower. Leanne put out consistently good work, and like Chloe, it's nice to see a winner who will clearly put her talent to good use, rather than use her win as a springboard to...be on TV a lot.

Overall Grade: B+
Overall Season Grade: C+

There Goes the Bride

Project Runway - Season 5, Episode 13

Before the designers are sent home to complete their lines for Fashion Week, Heidi springs another challenge on them. One of the looks must be a wedding dress that represents the designer's vision and their line in general. That dispensed with, the designers disperse to various parts of the country, and Tim goes to check in on them some weeks later.

Korto has a sweet workspace in Little Rock, and rocks out on some African drums to show the cultural inspiration that goes into her work. She also introduces her family, including an adorable daughter, to Tim. From there, it's on to Portland, Oregon, where Leanne makes him ride a bicycle. It's just as amusing as you're picturing it to be, and amazing that he's able to keep such perfect posture as he rides. After meeting Jerell's brood in Los Angeles, Tim wraps up the visits in New York, where Kenley shows off some promising work and an awesome old picture of her grandma. I'm not sure how telling it is that she's the only designer to not present friends or family to Tim.

The designers reconvene, and though Kenley is still not the most popular kid on the block, the other designers begrudgingly welcome her. As in seasons past, yet another challenge is foisted upon the designers before the runway show: They must make a companion bridesmaid dress to go with the wedding dress. Kenley, who was showing promise in not being as whiny as in weeks past, pisses it away by complaining that other designers are copying her because they're editing their bridesmaid dresses to be shorter. Shut the fuck up, lady.

At the runway show, Leanne is deservedly praised for a terrific wedding/bridesmaid dress combination. Kenley's is declared a bit derivative, but is good enough to get her passed to the finals. That leaves Jerell and Korto, both of whom did a pretty crappy job on the final challenge. Though Korto's is uglier, she has a lot more design potential than Jerell, so nobody at the viewing party minds when he's eliminated. So it's an all-female final three, and for the first time, I'm pretty sure all three lines will be tasteful. No exploding turkeys on the runway, for once! How refreshing.

Overall Grade: B-

You Make Me Feel Like A Natural Woman

Project Runway - Season 5, Episode 12

In tonight's episode, we get the traditional simple challenge. No gimmicks. No tricks. Just take an inspiration from nature and make an evening gown. The designers are taken to the botanical garden to snap pictures, and they each choose vibrantly-colored flowers or leaves to serve as inspiration. Kenley leaves a bag of tulle at the fabric store, and since she's been working overtime to be intolerable towards the other designers, Tim, and the judges, nobody else is willing to hand over any of theirs. Since she did pay for it, Tim allows her to walk back to the store to pick it up, so she scoots over, grabs the bag, and scoots out.

Kender: "Yeah, don't check the bag or anything."

A case of nerves strikes the workroom, and nobody is as on their game as they usually are. On the runway, Leanne and Jerell's garments are praised more than they should be, while Korto and Kenley's are criticized more than they should be. Kenley snaps at the judges some more, countering their claim that her garment is inelegant by whining that she "wasn't going for elegance". Because it's not like she was supposed to design an evening gown or anything. Heidi nails the designers with a Tyra Question: "Why do you deserve to go to Fashion Week, and which two other designers would you want to go with you?" Jerell, Leanne, and Korto predictably gang up on Kenley, and I'd feel bad for anyone else, but she pretty much had that coming. Kenley herself chooses Leanne and Jerell, so Korto yells at her once they're backstage. I love Korto's work, and Kenley is truly annoying, but you don't get to attack someone else, then complain that they turned around and attacked you.

Anyhoo, Jerell undeservedly wins another challenge, and in an unsurprising move, nobody is eliminated. Everyone will go home to create a full line, but one of them will be chopped right before the big show. Get sewing, scrubs.

Overall Grade: C

Blue Suede Snooze

Project Runway - Season 5, Episode 11

For this evening's challenge, the producers put elements of other challenges in a blender and hit puree. After jettisoning three models, the designers are free to pick a new one. Though it seems likely that everyone will stick with their original model, they actually change it up a little. Leanne yoinks Suede's model, which causes him to sniff that she's "like a kid in a candy store; always wants what someone else has". What a lovely potpourri of metaphors. Kids in candy stores don't want what other kids have. They want candy. Doofus.

The models aren't even used in this challenge, because the designers are told they'll be designing for each other. But wait! There's more! Each outfit must be inspired by a particular music genre. Suede designs a rock and roll outfit for Jerell, which makes him look like...Jerell. Korto designs a punk outfit for Suede, and although she doesn't exactly set the world aflame, the jeans fit well and the bleach treatment looks nice. Jerell makes a pop outfit for Kenley, and makes her look awesome. True, pop is about the easiest genre to design for, but Jerell pulls it off with aplomb. Leanne designs a country outfit for Korto, which is exactly as hilarious as it sounds. And Kenley? Oof. Kenley, who can't design anything that you couldn't find in a vintage shop, must design a hip-hop outfit for Leanne, who may be the whitest person in America. It turns out predictably awful, and she doesn't help her cause by mouthing off to Tim and the judges (including LL Cool J) about how they don't understand hip-hop. You heard me.

Korto and Jerell are given high marks, with Korto taking the challenge win. Leanne is fair-to-middling, and is declared safe, leaving Suede and Kenley in the bottom two. Although her outfit is far worse than his, her overall design potential is considered higher, not to mention the fact that she's certainly letting her bitch flag fly proud these days. So Suede is cut, which causes fans of fashion and grammar alike to heave a sigh of relief. I guess Leanne taking his model doesn't make much difference now.

Overall Grade: B+

Cap and Gowns

Project Runway - Season 5, Episode 10

Remember that episode of The Simpsons where they re-edit the end of Gone With the Wind to give it a bland ending so that it'll be palatable to senile old people? It's like they took that concept and spread it across this entire season. Tonight's challenge deals with mothers, which as we all know, has the potential to create some very delicious conflict. But not these snoozers. The specific challenge is to create an outfit for young women who have just graduated college and are entering the workforce. The catch is that the girls' moms have come along to offer advice and criticism.

Tim Gunn: "They are both your clients."
Tiffany: "So make them look like whores."

None of the clients give anyone much trouble, with the minor exception of the mother bugging Leanne, but even she's not that bad. So, clothes are constructed. Limecrete wanders to the dining room to stock up on wine and cheese. Runway show.

Leanne makes some changes to please the chatty mother, but manages to retain her aesthetic. It turns out well. Kenley makes yet another retro dress, turning her girl into a miniature version of herself. Her nasal voice and snide attitude is starting to really grate. Korto does fine work as usual. She's really the most versatile and talented designer. Joe makes a shockingly ill-fitting outfit that looks like crap. Jerell's is fine. Suede's dress isn't entirely tragic, but it doesn't suit the girl or her chosen profession. Plus, the jacket over the dress is hideous. When it comes down to decisions, Kenley, Korto, and Jerell land in the top three. Jerell wins, which is a lot more understandable this time. That leaves Leanne, Joe, and Suede in the bottom three. Leanne is clearly head and shoulders above the other two, and is declared safe almost immediately. Even though Suede has pretty much thoroughly sucked and Joe has had one or two triumphs, nobody can overlook just how bad Joe's entry is this week, and he's eliminated. Then he says he'll teach his daughters that dreams can be so big that they'll consume you. Or something.

Overall Grade: C+

Horrorscope

Project Runway - Season 5, Episode 9

You know what, Project Runway? It's incredibly rude of you to hog all the really good drugs and not offer any to your audience. You must be hoarding some really primo shit to explain this week's decisions, which are far more mystifying than any claptrap your garden variety astrologer could dream up.

In order to inject some interest into this humdrum season, the eliminated designers are brought back to be paired up with the current designers. The challenge is to select the astrological sign of one of the team's members, then construct an avant-garde garment inspired by that sign. Most of the teams get along fine. The notable exception is Terri, who would rather rely on herself to do everything, and Keith, who needs to be gently taken aside and have it explained that he's not still in the running to win. Avant-garde is a tricky concept, especially when it must be matched to a specific inspiration, and a lot of the teams fall flat in one way or the other.

Korto and Kelli's garment isn't particulary avant-garde, but nicely evokes Aquarius. Kenley and Wesley's is nicely avant-garde, but doesn't have a thing to do with Aquarius. It doesn't even matter to Blayne what the challenge, the inspiration, or the helper (Stella) is, because he makes what he always makes: Vibrantly-colored fug. Jerell and Jennifer's somehow manages to be bland and tacky at the same time. Leanne and Emily's is terrific. It manages to pull off avant-garde and evoke a clear image of Scorpio. Well done. Another good one is Joe and Daniel's, which is like the flip-side of Jerell's -- interesting and lovely. Suede and Jerry's is dull. Terri tries to pull out Keith's Leo with some faux fur.

The designs are taken to a party, where the winner will be chosen by more ghosts of Project Runway past, including Jay, Christian, Kara Janx, Danzzz, and... Carmen? Carmen?!? Sure, why not? When scouting out high fashion, it's important to get the opinion of the chick who sent strips of unfinished fabric down the runway and got eliminated second. When Terri's fur doesn't get high marks, she reworks the design before the runway show, eschewing all ideas and offers of help from Keith, who whines a lot. After the show, the drugs really kick in, as Jerell is declared the winner. What the holy fuck? Leanne, Korto, and Joe's designs are all better than his. And not just sort of better. FAR better. Two designers are to be eliminated tonight, and the judges kick it off with a gimme by giving Blayne his long overdue booting. Loserlicious! Kenley is in danger solely because she mouthed off to Heidi, but is declared safe. That brings it to Terri and Suede, and even though we know that Terri has more design potential in her toenails than that sack of tiresome affectations has in his whole body, her inability to work with Keith gets her punted. If I gave two shits about the outcome of this season, I'd be furious. Instead, I'm just curious who the judges' dealer is. Somebody get his number.

Overall Grade: C

China Syndrome

Project Runway - Season 5, Episode 8

Though I don't mind the goofy or off-kilter challenges, I like it when the show comes up with a challenge as simple as "Make a garment in this particular style. Go." It's easy for contestants to excuse shoddy work on weird challenges ("Of course the judges didn't like my dress. How often do you think I make clothes out of spinach leaves?"), but there's no hiding when they're given almost free rein.

In tonight's episode, the designers are taken to meet Diane von Furstenberg, who as far as Kenley is concerned, is Jesus. She cries at the mere sight of the Stylish One. She can afford to be a bit unfocused, as the challenge is to make a garment that reflects the old Hollywood style of a Marlene Dietrich movie which takes place in Berlin and Shanghai. This challenge may as well be called Knock Me Out of the Park, Kenley. The winning design will be sold, which charges everyone up. Nothing very noteworthy happens during shopping and construction, so it's on to the runway show.

Leanne, who has come out of nowhere, makes a beautiful dark blue dress, and vastly improves the layered jacket, which looked bulky and dumpy during construction. The other favorite is Korto, who slips a peek of banana yellow beneath a black and white dress, which looks lovely. That's really it for the good ones, but there has to be a top three, so the judges pretend that Kenley's simple dress is awesome. Eh. It's well made, but that floral print was probably stolen off some grandma's sofa. Leanne takes her second challenge in a row, which is fairly rare. Other designers are fair to middling, but never fear. There's always some truly awful design to tear apart. Joe makes an ill-fitting garment that includes metallic hot pink. What, you don't remember all the metallic hot pink from those '40s movies? When Jerell is on, he's on, but when he's off, it's hard to beat his sheer crapitude. He just can't stay away from those goofy hats.

Tiffany: "Didn't she deliver the telegram in Clue?"

Blayne once again brings the tacky-licious by making some weird-ass jodhpurs. Stella creates a collar that aims for exotic sophisticate, but as Diane points out, looks kind of vampiric instead. In the end, Joe, Stella, and Suede's faux-camouflage wind up in the bottom three. Odd. I'm no Suede fan, but Jerell's was so much worse. Stella gets the boot, which kind of sucks. Not that she blows me away as a designer, but wouldn't it have been fun to see what a thirteen-piece leather collection would look like?

Overall Grade: B+

Car Bomb

Project Runway - Season 5, Episode 7

I love my Saturn, but I wasn't excited to see yet another extended product placement challenge. In tonight's episode, the designers are tasked with making a garment out of car parts. Though they briefly flirt with carburetor bras and such, most of them eventually settle on more workable materials like seatbelts and floormats. Keith spends the entire episode whining that the judges had the gall to criticize his crappy dress last week, and struggles to tone down his messy -- dare I say, Jeffreyesque -- aesthetic to impress them.

A lot of the designers rise to the innovation needed for this challenge a lot better than they did in the supermarket one. Korto makes a beautiful weaving pattern. Jerell's looks futuristic and stylish. Leanne makes a mini-dress from seat covers and a faux feathered neckline. Very cool. Blayne works on a dress made almost entirely out of seatbelts, which has a lot of potential. Especially for him.

Panny: "It's Saturn-licious!"

On the runway, Jerell, Terri, and Korto are the biggest hits with the viewing party, and indeed, Jerell and Korto join Leanne in the top three. Leanne scores her first win, which makes Korto look just as sour as she did when she took second-place last week. On the flip side, Blayne keeps up his track record by taking his good idea and ruining it with poor fit and odd proportions. He winds up in the bottom three with Keith, whose "cleaner" aesthetic is aimless and boring, and Stella, whose top doesn't match the skirt. Stella's really kind of grown on me, and while it would be delightful to punt Blayne and his bad tan and worse taste back home, I'm fine with the actual elimination. Keith shoots himself in the foot by telling the judges that they're asses for giving his garments such harsh criticism. Has he ever seen an episode of this show before? The judges flick him home like a ball of lint, so maybe we're finally free of nasty fringe for the rest of the season.

Overall Grade: B

What a Drag

Project Runway - Season 5, Episode 6

The Amazing Race has gone through a few lackluster seasons, and still managed to pull itself together. Thus, I'm not prepared to write Project Runway off, but DAMN. When was the last interesting episode? The one where Laura accused Jeffrey of cheating? It sure has been a while.

Even tonight, when the delightful challenge is to design a costumey, over-the-top outfit for a drag queen, this group of duds manages to make it dull. The one time the designers are given permission to go completely wild, and are guaranteed not to be told to tone it down, and 80% of them put me to sleep. Yawn. The designers are told to make a drag queen outfit that fits their particular queen's persona. Suede decides to do exactly the opposite. He asks his queen's opinion, then proceeds to not only ignore it, but to take active offense to it. Suede, honey... I've seen your queen decimate one of the most powerful men in gay porn on stage, then send him back to his seat like a puppy. She could take a third-person-spewing reality show wannabe in her sleep.

When they come out onto the runway, most of these dresses don't even rate a mention. I will say that Terri doesn't particularly deserve to be in the top three, which she is, and Jerell doesn't particularly deserve to be in the bottom three, which he is. Still, it turns out not to matter, as both the winner and loser are well-chosen. Joe... You know, the straight one? Yeah, apparently, he was the only guy to actually listen to that whole "make an outfit to fit your client's persona" direction, and creates a Barbie-pink sailor suit that his queen sells the shit out of on the runway. He takes the much-deserved win, along with immunity for next week. Meanwhile, Keith and Daniel join Jerell in the bottom three, and Daniel, who has been circling the drain since Day One, is finally cut loose for making yet another boring cocktail dress. It's about time. He's a "designer" in the way that someone who can only make scrambled eggs is a "chef".

Overall Grade: C+

The Ew Lagoon

Project Runway - Season 5, Episode 5

This week, the designers are tasked with making a garment for a high-powered, chic woman, whom we already know is Brooke Shields from last week's preview. What we didn't know is that this outfit should be a day-to-evening look for her character on that show that nobody I know watches, and was inexplicably picked up for a second season. The winning designer won't get immunity, but Brooke will wear the outfit on the air, thereby ensuring that the designer's work will be seen by at least thirteen people. As an added "twist", the designers work in teams of two. They all pitch their ideas to Brooke, who then selects six of them to be team leaders.

Blayne is chosen (probably because Brooke is afraid he'll eat her liver if he weren't), and picks Leanne as his teammate. Keith dazzles Brooke with talk of ruffles, and selects Kenley. Terri wows Brooke with pants, and selects Suede. Brooke enjoys Korto's color palette, and Korto picks Joe. Kelli promises a sophisticated top, and picks Daniel. That leaves Jerell with Stella.

As with most team challenges, the kids can't play nice together, though Jerell and Stella are a surprising exception. Korto accuses Joe of backstabbing her to Tim (though they talk it out afterwards). Kelli won't accept Daniel's lopsided mess of a skirt. Terri becomes four kinds of awesome when she questions Suede's genitals and swears that she won't allow him to suckle at her teat. Kenley and her buttoned-down aesthetic try to reign in Keith's preoccupation with flutter. Leanne keeps her mouth shut and allows Blayne to misjudge the entire challenge, as he's done pretty much every week. Something good does come of the conflict, as Joe's concerns convince Korto to pull in a jacket that was looking very Golden Girls - Season 2, and Terri/Suede make some improvements to a top that can only get incrementally better, thanks to some fugly fabric.

Limecrete: "I think it's impossible to make that fabric look good."
Ana Warpath: "Yeah, that's some serious Fashion Bug shit right there."

On the runway, a lot of the looks come out better than expected. Korto and Joe have made their dress look less saggy and shapeless, except around the bustline, which is awful. Kelli and Daniel's is blah. Keith and Kenley's is okay, but I don't think the top and bottom match, color-wise. Terri and Suede's is as good as that nasty fabric can get. Blayne's design is the least tacky thing he's ever made, but it in no way adheres to the challenge. If this week were about beach-wear, he'd be in good shape, but businesswomen attend neither their jobs nor their evening parties in shorts. Jerell and Stella actually pull out a very cool garment, which blows me away, considering they're individually responsible for this:

And this:

In the end, Jerell/Stella and Keith/Kenley are the top two teams, with Keith getting an extremely undeserved win. Kelli and Daniel's outfit is declared a lot tackier than I think it is (though it certainly doesn't wow me), and they wind up in the bottom with Blayne and Leanne. Kelli does her best to get Daniel auf'd, saying that even if the design wasn't to the judges' tastes, she's got a hell of a lot more potential than Daniel (which, yeah). Daniel, sounding more and more like Kip with every passing week, snots that he has impeccable taste, which causes Kenley to crack up with contempt. Awesome. As usual, none of the construction was bad enough to lay the blame on the helpers, so Daniel and Leanne are declared safe. Leave it to Blayne to make his least horrible outfit this week, causing Kelli to be chopped. Boo! Blayne ruins everything.

Overall Grade: B+

Passing the Torch

Project Runway - Season 5, Episode 4

The bad news is that Timiffany's DVR cut off the first fifteen minutes of this episode. The good news is that it doesn't seem to make much of a difference. The gist of this one is easily picked up. The designers are tasked with making an outfit suitable for United States athletes to wear at the Olympic opening ceremonies. Based on some of the garments we'll see later, some of the designers were apparently composing their grocery lists or thinking about how much they like pudding instead of listening.

Our viewing party joins the episode in the middle of a bunch of people whining about Kenley's annoying laugh. Normally, I'd be on her side on this one, but I've worked in offices with laughers; it really does get old quickly. Korto tells us about her background, and while her story of leaving Liberia with her family is touching, it's certainly no Laotian family prison. That dispensed with, Joe snipes at Daniel for threading one of the sewing machines with red thread. I've never understood why each designer doesn't just get their own machine that nobody else can use without permission, but then I guess we wouldn't get scintillating scenes like this one. So Joe yells at Daniel for not psychically divining which machine Joe uses. Daniel fails to fall over himself to apologize, so Joe goes into the workroom and gossips about how horrible Daniel is for this, having the temerity to give a world-weary sigh about all the drama the gay designers create. Um...Joe? The only fit-throwing priss I see right now is you.

Standouts on the runway include Korto, Keith, and Terri. We pause for a while on Terri's garment, as it looks like either her model's boobs have been shoved sideways, or her nipples have been digitally erased. A lot of designers, such as Kelli, make pretty clothing that is completely unsuitable for the challenge; I doubt our nation's athletes are going to stride into the opening ceremonies in cocktail dresses. Joe, unsurprisingly, takes the sports aspect more seriously, and winds up in the top three, along with Terri and Korto. Korto wins the challenge and immunity.

Daniel's dress isn't athletic in the least, and his saturated blue fabric comes off as purple on the runway. Jennifer makezzz..... Jerell's outfit is downright hideous. Yes, the one he's wearing, but especially the one he's made. It'd be like describing the Olympics to the Little House on the Prairie characters, and asking them to make a dress based on what they've just heard. Though I wouldn't be sad to see him go, Jennifer's reign of bland cannot be ignored any longer, and she gets the heave-ho. I've already forgotten her.

Overall Grade: B-

She Loves the Nightlife, She's Got to Boogie

Project Runway - Season 5, Episode 3

This season's batch of contestants sure are shaping up to be some of the tritest famewhores ever, aren't they? Suede is still obnoxiously referring to himself in the third person, Blayne is still obnoxiously trying to coin a catchphrase, Stella is still obnoxiously squawking about how "rock and roll" she is (nothing with shades of Jeffrey is a positive thing), and Keith lives up to my first episode prediction by saying that he's not here to make friends. What a fresh outlook!

Anyhow, the designers are told that Tim is taking them out for a night on the town. They appear to take Heidi at her word, and if that's true, they're not only trite, but idiotic. The "night out" is really a bus tour of the city, during which the designers are told to take pictures that will inspire their next garment.

The gowns are constructed. Nothing interesting happens.

Runway show. Everyone at the viewing party enjoys Jerell's dress and hates Jennifer's. LabRat and Tiffany like Leanne's a great deal more than I do, but I do have to admit that it's far better than her uggo dress last week. Everyone else's is fair to middling, except Emily's poorly-placed ruffle and Blayne, who has yet to make something that isn't supremely tacky. The judges put Terri, Kenley, and Leanne in the top three, with Kenley's Dynasty-lookin' garment taking the win. I don't know; it certainly wasn't a contender for the bottom three, but I really didn't like the prairie neckline and huge shoulders. Keith, Emily, and Jennifer sink to the bottom, and in a fairly shocking elimination, Emily is sent packing. That ruffle was unsuccessful, but at least it had a point of view. I would have rather seen Jennifer go. She has to be the dullest contestant to date, with designs to match.

Overall Grade: C

It's Not Easy Bein' Green

Project Runway - Season 5, Episode 2

Tonight's episode kicks off with the traditional model selection, and we notice that this year's crop of models is a lot prettier than in the past couple of seasons. Good casting. This general cloud of beauty makes Jerell's consternation all the more confusing when someone yoinks the girl he's worked with for all of one challenge.

Tiffany: "Does he think he's going to get the fat, ugly one?"

The models aren't just for show this week. The designers are tasked with creating a cocktail dress for their model, made out of green fabrics. That's "green" as in environmentally responsible, not "green" as in...green. As a further twist, the models are the ones taken shopping. The restriction of using eco-fabric makes the selection somewhat slim, and a few of the models wind up with the same copper-colored material.

Back at the workroom, Stella ignores her model's wishes, while everyone else makes fun of her wish that every challenge incorporated leather. Suede annoys everyone by talking in the third-person, which is such an outdated personality flaw, it's not even enjoyable to make fun of anymore. Korto confounds Tim by putting darts on the outside of her garment, and Leanne wants to separate herself from the other two copper material dresses by making hers really ugly. OK, maybe that's not what she wants, but it's what she does.

The runway show begins, with Natalie Portman as guest judge. The viewing party's favorites include Keith, Terri, Joe, and Kenley, so of course the judges ignore three of them. They decree Kenley, Stella, and Suede as the top three. OK, Stella really did pull out a fairly impressive dress, but Suede? Really? Yes, really. In fact, so really that he wins, and his outfit will be sold to the public, despite the fact that only Courtney Love and Bjork will buy one. Meanwhile, Korto, Wesley, and Leanne drop to the bottom three. Again, huh? Maybe Korto's inside-out darts didn't work out the way they were supposed to, but her dress is a thousand times prettier than Blayne's trashy, '80s-prom-lookin' hooker-wear. The other two are legitimately fug. Leanne's dress has way too much going on, and Wesley's is a tacky, ill-fitting mess. It's enough of a mess that he gets eliminated, and I experience a moment of regret, as Wesley's fairly cute. Then I notice that he's wearing a gray jacket over a blue shirt, tan shorts, and FIRE ENGINE RED shoes. All right, go ahead and eliminate him. Nobody with taste that bad deserves to stick around.

Overall Grade: B

Supermarket Sweep

Project Runway - Season 5, Episode 1

Welcome to the kickoff of the new Project Runway season, which for the most part gets started like...every other season of Project Runway. Timiffany's DVR actually cut off the first few minutes, but I assume that I didn't miss much. Let me guess. So-and-so has a "passion for fashion". Clothes are so-and-so's life. So-and-so gave up a lot to be here. Oh, and so-and-so? Not here to make friends:



When we join the program already in progress, the traditional toast on the roof is still going on, and we've missed several people's names. Eh, it's not that important yet. There's that one guy, and that nondescript girl, and that cute guy, and the quiet guy, and those guys who mistakenly think they're edgy, and a dude who needs to start over from gene #1, and a lady with really bad hair, and apparently, an extra from Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome.

The first challenge, which is always about innovation, is lifted wholesale from the first challenge of the first season. I actually haven't seen the first season yet, so it's all good by me. Austin, who you'll remember won that challenge in the days of yore, is on-hand to guest judge the new designers, who have half an hour and $75 to shop for supplies in a grocery store. I guess the new crop of kids hasn't bothered to watch any of the previous seasons, because while it's totally obvious that creativity is the main focus of the challenge, many of them just pick up tablecloths and call it a day. During the construction phase, Tim Gunn blasts them all for being boring slackers, and it's a welcome return to form after episode upon episode of Tim muttering his catchphrases and leaving.

Stella has bought garbage bags to construct her dress, and is upset to discover that they're not as durable as she'd like. She falls apart during construction, having thoroughly convinced herself that she's painted herself into a corner. Terri does something very fetching with mop heads, which was an appropriate choice of material, given her hairstyle. Kelli makes a beautiful, creative dress out of paper, dye, and bleach, which Kender knew from the moment she started would turn out lovely. How does she do that? Korto is one of the chagrined tablecloth users, but she spruces up her bodice with kale and cherry tomatoes, turning out to be the sole designer to use produce. Daniel irons blue plastic cups to melt into a dress shape, which doesn't look promising at first, but really comes together. Blayne is the love child of Kato Kaelin and Gretchen Weiners. He never tires of patting himself on the back, even as he constructs a fugly mess that looks like the model just put on a jumbo Depends diaper. Jerry creates what he calls a "raincoat" over a "summer dress", but which Panny more accurately describes as "something you'd wear to clean up a crime scene". I'm not sure how he was able to pull off something boring and ugly simultaneously.

After the runway show, Kelli, Korto, and Daniel are declared the top three, while Stella, Jerry, and Blayne sink to the bottom. I find Kelli's coffee-filter-boob-explosion bodice a bit distracting, but fully support her win and attendant immunity, because the skirt part is so lovely. Stella thinks she's toast, but in a pleasant surprise, she's spared so that Jerry is booted for his raincoat monstrosity. Hey, I actually agree with both the winner and the loser! And the challenge was an actual challenge! This is a much more promising start than last season's snoozer.

Overall Grade: B+

Sew Me What You Got

Project Runway - Season 4, Episode 1

I've certainly missed Project Runway, and was highly anticipating tonight's premiere, so I'm sorry to say that it was really kind of...dull. We've got our usual group of fifteen prima donnas, queens, and mental patients, with a couple of normal people thrown into the mix. Casting reality shows is always a delicate balancing act between talent and drama, and my initial impression is that most of this lot is far more interested in acting up on television than in doing good work. Down that road lies crap like Season 2 of Top Chef, so let's hope I'm wrong.

Usually, the first challenge is about being creative and innovative by working with odd media. This time around, they just throw a bunch of varied, expensive fabrics at the designers, and let them do whatever they want. Coupled with the fact that some of them are already professionals, that doesn't strike me as much of a challenge. Surprisingly, even though they've gotten such a softball challenge, more than a few of the dresses wind up looking fairly nasty. The judges disagree with me, giving high praise to a couple of things that wouldn't look out of place on a baked potato. Still, we all agree that Rami deserves the win, and he does so, scoring immunity for next week. Down in Loserville, Simone makes a hideous dress hideously poorly, and is mericfully cut. Shame. She could have used the prize money to buy some eyebrow tweezers.

Overall Grade: C-

Edited To Add: Though I'll certainly be watching the rest of the episodes, I'll only have time to recap one show this season, and that show is The Amazing Race. Auf Wiedersehen, Heidi.

Finale - Part II

Project Runway - Season 3, Episode 14

Previously on Project Runway: The four finalists were told to design twelve looks for Fashion Week. Tim visited everyone. Laura accused Jeffrey of having outside help. Tim promised to look into it. Tonight, someone will be crowned the winner of Project Runway. Good. I don't think I could take another filler episode.

No opening credits. Because this is serious business this week.

New York. One and a half days until the runway show. In the workroom, Uli is wishing this whole cheating blowup never happened. Laura compares Jeffrey to an athlete on steroids. It's pretty much based on conjecture, but she admits as much. She and Jeffrey talk, and she's saying that if he has the receipts to back everything up, there will be no problem. Jeffrey says that what's really upsetting is Laura calling his integrity into question. "I never questioned your integrity," Laura says, and while I generally like her, and generally dislike Jeffrey -- BULLSHIT. Jeffrey storms off. Soon after, he receives a call from Tim, saying that the producers can't find all the receipts from a particular pleating business. Or something. He asks Jeffrey to call them and have them fax the missing receipts. If he can't get them, they'll deal with the issue again. Jeffrey disdains the business for keeping sloppy records. Yes, this is coming from the guy who handed over one giant wad of receipts to Tim. Good catch. Jeffrey calls the business and asks about the missing receipts. He's scared that this tiny omission will lead to not being able to show at Bryant Park.

Evening. Morning. Everyone looks completely dead, and over the entire enterprise. Yeah, I feel them. Maybe you could just have a one-part finale next season, Bravo? In the workroom, Jeffrey places a call to Tim, and leaves a message. He begins work on a simple skirt, in case the shorts that the missing receipts pertain to are disqualified. Good thinking. Eight hours left. Tim comes in, and gathers the designers. He says that after a thorough investigation, he is absolutely confident that Jeffrey did the work himself. OK, Tim's word is good enough for me. Please ignore all that blather I spewed last week. Jeffrey breaks down in tears of relief, and Uli hugs him. It's not entirely good news, as Tim tells him that the shorts will, indeed, need to be taken out of the collection, due to the missing receipts. Not only that, but he is the only designer to have gone overbudget, by $227.95. I hope they would have investigated everyone's receipts anyway, and didn't just do this because of the whole cheating scandal. Jeffrey will need to remove something from the collection, and the judges will be informed that he didn't stay within the budget. This will turn out to have absolutely no effect on the judging, so why it's even a rule, let alone is brought up here, is beyond me.

Tim says that the show stresses fairness very strongly, and he's confident that tomorrow's show will be an even playing field. I read in a later interview with Tim that he was actually glad Laura brought up her suspicions when she did, because it would have been twice as awful if Jeffrey had won, and then she called foul. Good point. Laura shakes Jeffrey's hand and says that she'll meet him on the runway. There's even a little half hug. Jeffrey says that he has no further issue with Laura (which he immediately belies by snotting about her inexperience), and Laura says that she's more than happy to compete against Jeffrey on the runway. She says it was never a goal of hers to get him disqualified, which I entirely believe. I think her accusations may have come from reasoning that was overly vague, but they were never motivated by personal reasons.

One hour left. Everyone packs up their clothing. Michael feels good. Uli thinks she has a strong collection. Jeffrey loses the blonde wigs to meet the budget, and substitutes the denim skirt he just made for the disqualified leather bubble shorts. I don't know if Laura (or even Jeffrey) knows it, but I think she just accidentally bumped up the quality of his collection a big notch. The wigs were stupid, and the denim skirt is far prettier than the shorts ever were. Tim enters for a final "gather round". He has the velvet bag. He tears up a little as he talks about how proud he is of the finalists. Aw, I love Tim. He says that they're all winners, and he means it in a very real sense; not in a sense of second place in an elementary school science fair which I should have won, because that reproduction of the solar system that took all night was amazing, and all Blake did was that lame poster where the lightbulbs light up because there are little bits of wire on the back! Sorry, where was I? He dismisses them, but brings them back for a group hug. Heh. So what was the velvet bag for? Stop showing the velvet bag, and then not using it! I guess he drew the order the designers would show in, and they just didn't air it.

Morning. 4:15 AM to be precise. Ugh. Jeffrey said he got two hours' sleep. Laura says that she's glad Jeffrey will be showing, because she wants to beat him on the runway; not the accountant's office. Everyone heads out. Michael tries to calm himself down. Calm himself down? The most animated I've ever seen him was a tiny little boogie dance. It's still dark as they approach Bryant Park, but the drizzle that seems to have been falling when everyone first stirred appears to have dissipated. Uli says that this is the biggest day of her life. They enter the tent, and act suitably impressed. I know the show is trying to go out with a bang, and I don't begrudge them that. But there's not even a stage. It's just a flat runway on the floor in a bland, white room. The regular runway is more impressive than this. There are a lot of seats, though. Jeffrey wants to prove he belongs here. Michael's ready to buckle down and work.

Commercials. I don't understand advertising Barbies at this hour. I don't see them advertising cars during Saturday morning cartoons.

Two hours until the show. Guests arrive. The models are going through hair and makeup backstage. Unfortunately, there's no eleventh hour emergency, like Danzzz's missing purses or Chloe's hair issues to keep us in suspense. Michael freaks out that everything has to be perfect. One hour. The tent fills up. Laura is wearing her hair down, thank God. Half an hour. The eliminated designers and the finalists' families are in the audience, as are Chloe, Danzzz, and...Brandy? Whatever. Tim tells Laura she has ten minutes. Her hair's down. She fits a dress to a model. Her hair's up. She's fitting the model from a different angle. Her hair's down. Stop it, I'm gonna barf! Uli's ready to show the world what she can do. Michael's glad for the opportunity. Jeffrey feels amazing. And...time.

Heidi comes out onto the runway. Everyone claps and "woo!"s. Her dress is ugly. Michael Kors is wearing his sunglasses indoors again, which makes me want to punch him. Heidi introduces the judges, including guest judge Fern Mallis, creator of Fashion Week. Ooh, I love Fern! Let's start the show. The first designer to present is Jeffrey. He comes out and greets his family, including his parents, a beaming Melanie, and a crying Harrison. Heh. Hey, Jeffrey's dad is kind of cute! Jeffrey introduces his collection and goes backstage. I should say at the outset of his show that the music that he's chosen is terrible. It's ponderous and pensive, and doesn't match his collection at all. Out first is a red dress with white polka dots. There are swathes of solid red fabric peeking out in a couple of areas. I like it, although I could do without the white straps hanging down, and the model is kind of ugly. Next is the same polka dot material, but as a swimsuit. The model is also wearing a see-through jacket over it. Meh. Third is the same polka dot material as a babydoll dress (I think). The polka dot fabric is covered by a layer of see-through white fabric, and the bustier is also white. I like it. The model shouldn't lead with her stomach, though. It makes her look more pregnant than Laura. Stand up straight, troglodyte! Oof, I don't even know how to describe this next one. It's good, though. It's a red, checked, v-neck top that only covers the boobs in front, but widens to cover the shoulders and has sleeves. The rest is a fan of white straps, and she has white pants on. The next dress is half red/white stripes and half blue (or black)/white stripes, and the two colors each occupy a vertical half. It's all right. Next is a more typical Jeffrey outfit. The same blue or black striped fabric, but with a random swath of solid fabric in front of it, and a denim jacket. It's messy and uneven. Next is a shimmery silver tank top with a white jacket (edged with black), and white pants. There's a green/white striped handbag that doesn't really seem to go with the outfit, but whatever. Next is a sort of cadet blue dress that widens at the thighs. It looks like an upside-down heart shape. God, am I terrible at describing these. Next is a royal blue dress with pleating at the bottom. Then, the same royal blue, but over a pattern mixing the blue with white. It almost looks like a sky with clouds. It's neat. The next outfit is a shiny silver shirt with tan leather pants (complete with patches) and a green/white striped jacket. Claaaaaaashy. Finally, Marilinda in the same green/white striped fabric, but with interesting seams running all over fashioned into zippers. She looks good. In fact, that entire collection was worlds better than I was expecting it to be. Applause, etc.

Uli emerges and gleefully greets the audience. She's thankful for all the opportunities she's been given, and gives a shoutout to her family. She runs backstage. Her first outfit is classic Uli. It's a long print dress, kind of like giraffe stripes. The next one is a departure for her. It's dark tan, with a shimmery silver sash and belt, which is fastened with an animal tooth clasp. Neat! The next is the same two colors, but the dark tan is a skirt, while the shimmering silver is a sleeveless keyhole top, with one of those built-in chokers that I think are so pretty. Next is a rather dull, gray, thigh-length dress with a bit of fringe at the bottom, and it's accented by a necklace that looks like it's made out of handcuffs. Next, a prettier, shorter version of the same dress, but with a different silhouette. Oh, and the model's way prettier. That probably helps. Next is Amanda, working it in brown shorts and a shimmering, silver tank top. She really is a fantastic model. Next is a far less talented model, not working a tan, flowing dress with accents of silver. Next is another print dress, with fabric extremely similar, if not identical to, the dress that won Uli the freestyle challenge. Next is another print, but this in a brown and yellow fabric that is totally gorgeous. The model reaches down, and for a horrible moment, I thought she was going to pick a wedgie. But no, the dress unbuttons to reveal a matching bikini underneath. Stunning. Next is a purple print with zebra stripe accents, and an ill-advised center line of reflective material. This is a bit too Chocolate Jones and the Temple of Funk. Next, another giraffe-stripe print, but in a different silhouette. Finally, Nazri in a drop-dead gorgeous green jungle print that flows easily at the bottom. Applause, etc.

Commercials. I don't want to live in a world where people falling down isn't funny.

Big ol' pregnant Laura comes out. She says that she came on Project Runway hoping to make it big in the fashion world, and she did it! She pats her belly. Hehehe. That's corny, but she sold it. She walks backstage. High heels cannot be comfortable in her state. Ah, the music! Gnat about leaps out of her skin with glee. It's a very jaunty, flapperesque tune, like something you'd hear in the '20s, and I love it. Heidi's already dancing along. The first dress is a camel shade of brown, and is a turtleneck, with sparkly beading starting at about the navel and becoming more dense at the bottom. Lovely. The model has gorgeous, long, straight, red hair. Next is a dress that looks kind of like a rock garden. That's just what leapt immediately to mind when I saw it. There's a band of black around the breastline, and the cups don't seem to fit very well. I'm not feeling this one. The next dress is almost like a white negligee, with feathers at the bottom. Next is an odd outfit that consists of sparkly black shorts, a metallic gold blazer, and a puff of gold fabric at the shoulder. Next is a partially see-through, floor-length black dress, with amazing detail. Note to model: black bra next time. Next is a similarly see-through detailed black dress, but with black fur as the shoulders. Pretty! Next is sort of a combination of previous dresses. The top is the see-through black detail, the bottom is composed of black feathers. The next dress is black, with crisscross designs, and a cowl of black feathers at each shoulder. Next is a model with a terrible, terrible walk. The dress is black, and also has two cowls of black feathers, this time as the cup of the breasts. Next is a black dress that I'd usually dislike, because it has multiple layers of fringe. I'm anti-multiple layers AND anti-fringe. And yet this works. Helping are the loose bands around the ankles, which whip around awesomely. Next, a black suit with tight-fitting pants that look kind of like vinyl, and another detailed top. Finally, Camilla in a beautiful gray spangly dress with a sash of mustard yellow around the waist. Applause, etc. I'm so tired of describing clothes. Must! Get! Through!

The crowd goes nuts for Michael. He explains that his collection is called "Street Safari" and is about a woman on the hunt to discover who she is. Oh, dear. Judging from the first outfit, the woman's going to discover that she's a stone-cold hoochie. It's a sleeveless white dress with a collar that is open in the chest, and is crisscrossed with white laces. There's also a blindingly gold belt. Another terrible walk. Gnat says that it looks like the model's head is about to fall off. Next is a pair of white shorts and a knotted top. Next, a variation on the first outfit, but as a short skirt instead of a dress. Next, tight white pants, an open white shirt, and those awful sequined pockets that made me want to hurl last week. Oof. Next is a jungle green outfit, and I'm sorry to use the word "hoochie" so much, but there's just no other way to describe it. The next one, I like. It's a short...I guess you'd call it a sundress. It's just as risque, but it's a fiery yellow/orange color that I love. The next is dark orange shorts and a midriff-baring, matching top with a tall collar. Next, a magenta dress with the same laced chest and gold belt as the first. Next is a slinky, metallic, gold bathing suit. It's hot. Then there a print minidress with a leather belt. Another swimsuit, this one in crisscrossing white fabric. Finally, Clarissa in a longer version of the print minidress. Oh, Michael. I'm just so...let down. Applause, etc.

After show interviews. All four finalists are thrilled with the response they're getting. Brandy loved Michael and Uli's collections. A suit from WalMart says he's there to see what's going on the fashion world. I assume he's hiding his cloven hoofs with some nice shoes. Chloe apologizes to Michael via the camera, but thinks Uli's was the best. Some suit from L'oreal liked Laura's collection. The WalMart devil liked Uli's collection, but liked Michael more over the course of the season. And God damn it, we have to check in with Raymundo again. Why am I still seeing his face? He sucked, and got chunked third! Some random woman liked Jeffrey's passion. Heidi asks the WalMart devil if anyone's going to be picked up for his store. Elsewhere, Laura, Michael, Uli, and Jeffrey simultaneously shudder violently, and don't know why. Kayne thinks Uli rocked the shit out. He's got his arm around Katie, who doesn't get to say a word, because who cares what the opinion of the person who came in third-to-last is? RIGHT, RAYMUNDO?

Commercials. Marie Antoinette. More like Marie Antoi-NOT.

Parsons runway. The judges think the show was great. Fern says that everyone in the world wanted to be at that show. Fern, I'm a member of the world, and I'm just as happy watching it from my couch with a pint of Vanilla Heath Bar Crunch in front of me, thanks. The designers come out onto the runway. Heidi congratulates them all. Prizes are recapped. Fern is reintroduced. The models emerge. Just the main ones from the show. Not all 48, although that would have been funny. We start the critiques with Laura. She says she wanted to do a line of eveningwear that was romantic and escapist. The judges tell her that she made $8000 look like $30,000, and they're right. Kors is impressed at the level of detail in her beading. He thinks all of the outfits were gorgeous, but there were no surprises. Well, you can thank Tim for that. Nina reminds her that she's always known that a narrow design aesthetic was the judges' chief complaint, and it seems she didn't address that for the final show. Laura responds with something about the feather jackets and hem stiffness. Fern says that when doing eveningwear, it's perfectly acceptable to maintain a specific focus. Gnat begins to love Fern as much as I do.

Michael. He talks about his safari inspirations. Fern says that he was clearly the crowd favorite, and she wishes the collection stood up to that. She liked specific pieces, but was disappointed overall. LOVE FERN. Kors doesn't understand how Michael went so over-the-top. Michael says he really wanted to get a strong point of view across, but that he's still young, and hasn't done anything on this large a scale before. Nina and Heidi appreciated the range of outfits. Michael wraps up with "I did what I could do," and chews his lip nervously. Jeffrey talks about his Japanese ghost story inspirations. Fern likes the detailing on the dress Marilinda is wearing. Kors likes that he dressed the models along a kind of life timeline. Fern liked the edgier pieces he did, but didn't care for the times when he attempted elegance (bringing up the royal blue pieces as the example). Heidi informs the others that Jeffrey went overbudget. He explains how he got the figure back down. Uli wanted to show that she can do more than prints. Nina tells her that she thinks her clothes are terrific, and that women love them and will buy them. She says this all in a way that suggests a giant "BUT" is coming up, and it never does. Huh. Heidi says she'd wear every outfit that Uli made. Aw. Kors felt that there wasn't a connecting thread to the collection as far as color goes. Uli says that she wanted to show that she could use neutral colors, but that her inspiration comes from where she lives, which is very vibrant. She shrugs that maybe she should move to New York. Fern flies to her defense, saying that resortwear is possibly the biggest niche of fashion right now, and that Miami and sunshine are good inspirations. LOVE FERN. The designers are dismissed.

Deliberations. Uli makes clothes that women want. She's a good worker with an eye for detail. Kors says the overall season was a roller coaster for her, which means that her previous triumphs and disappointments are being considered. You'll want to remember that. Jeffrey is the most innovative of the designers. He had good variety without being unfocused. Everyone hated the long dress with what I called the cloud pattern. Heidi asks the other judges what they think of him going overbudget. We cut away so we can't hear the other judges say "What the fuck ever". Laura is incredibly meticulous. Her pieces are beautiful and timeless. Nina doesn't know if she's creative or innovative enough. As Fern said, so what? Think of some famous designers like Ralph Lauren and Tommy Hilfiger. Their aesthetic is just as narrow. Michael understands a woman's body, but his collection was tasteless. His motivations were noble, though. They like and dislike things about all four collections. Nina said that someone asked her on the way out of the show how to buy Uli's clothing. They seem to make a decision fairly quickly. The designers are brought back out.

And now for the final nice thing about someone I don't like: A lot of the other passengers on the Metro are irritating freaks, but hey, them not driving helps out the environment, which I'm always for.

Heidi says this was a hard decision. The judges believe in Michael's future as a designer, but he needs time to mature. He's out. He hugs his family backstage. He believes in himself, and vows to be back. I don't doubt it. Laura creates exquisite clothing, but is too limited. She's out. She thanks the judges. She says in her final interview that she achieved everything she was going for with the collection, and is completely at peace with the judges' decision. You rock, Laura. She knows that her participation in the world of fashion is just beginning. Uli and Jeffrey hug out on the runway. Jeffrey was innovative. Uli pushed herself, and made a beautiful collection. Congratulations...Jeffrey. Oh, fuck this. Let's get through the show bits first. Uli gives him another hug, gets the double kiss from Heidi, and goes backstage. She's happy for Jeffrey, and is fine with second place. Marilinda comes out to join Jeffrey, excited for her attendant win. Melanie, Harrison, and Jeffrey's parents come out so that we can all celebrate the victory of this pompous twat who reduces elderly women to tears. Blah blah "passion". Blah blah "intense happiness". He bounces Harrison around, then gets a congratulatory hug from Tim. He strikes a final HARDCORE pose behind the white screen, and we're done. Except for seeing Tim present him with his new Saturn Sky. It's a cute car, but I wouldn't think white is Jeffrey's color.

So. Season postmortem. First I suppose I should let everyone on all the websites I've been flapping my jaw at have a hearty chuckle at my expense. I never for a single moment thought Jeffrey would win, and have been arguing the reasons why for several weeks now. Yep, I'm an idiot. Laugh away. Got that out of your systems? Good. The reason I thought Jeffrey would never win is that beyond this being a fashion competition, it is a reality show. And reality shows have archetypes. And one of the aspects of the Asshole Archetype is that he or she doesn't win. Sure, sometimes an Asshole will get the Redemption Edit, but aside from being exonerated from cheating and professing undying love for his son, I didn't see that with Jeffrey. So if we're ignoring the clothes completely, I'd rather he have lost based solely on the fact that as a person, he didn't deserve to win. He's mean and artificial and snide and thinks he's about a hundred times cooler than he actually is.

"But Limecrete," I hear you say. "This is a show about clothing. Surely he deserved the win on that level."

Nope, I don't believe so. I did enjoy his final collection. I think that a lot of these pieces were better than most of the ones he did during the show combined. But they still weren't that good. For every one of Jeffrey's pieces that I liked, I liked one of Uli's or Laura's more. Jeffrey won because he pushed himself out of his usual aesthetic. So did Uli. Uli lost because she had so many ups and downs during the season. So did Jeffrey. People are already practically clawing themselves to get their hands on Uli's clothing. Jeffrey did something neat with zippers. So color me disappointed. No, I'm not going to be one of those prissy pearl-clutchers who dramatically announces that they're giving up this show 4-EVAH! But there is something deeply unsatisfying about devoting three months of my life to watching these people work and fight and laugh and cry, only to watch a condescending prick waltz off into the sunset with a spring in his step, and a big toy check in his pocket. Feh.

Overall Grade: C-
Overall Season Grade: B-

Finale - Part 1

Project Runway - Season 3, Episode 13

Previously on Project Runway: Any chance that I'd ever feel bad for the way Vincent and Keith were edited flew out the window, landed on the street, got hit by a milk truck, fell off a cliff into a bed of razor blades, and rolled into a pond of salted lemon juice. On the upside, Bradley's still hot. We're still down to our final four. And still nobody's getting eliminated tonight. I've liked this season a great deal, but let's wrap this shit up, folks.

Opening credits. Qualify "they", Malan, and I'll actually agree that you're better.

Runway. Heidi comes out holding the velvet bag. Yay, velvet bag! She congratulates the final four, and drops the big challenge on them. Twelve looks. Two months. $8000 budget. They'll use the models they had in the last challenge. I can't believe Clarissa's still in the running, while Amanda and Lindsay are out. Boo! Heidi brings Tim out onto the runway. He tells them to give it their all. Heidi tells them not to play it safe. Shot of Laura. Hehe. Heidi goes on to send the designers back to the Atlas to pack and go home. So...what was the velvet bag for? Weird.

Atlas. Laura's suitcase is freakishly organized. I mean, I'm anal-retentive when I pack, too, but even my suitcases don't look that neat. She doesn't find the idea of producing a full line of clothing too scary; after all, she's produced a "whole line of kids". Heh. She's excited for the career opportunities showing a full line will open up. Everyone leaves the Atlas, and Laura starts walking home. Pregnant, carrying two bags, and wearing high heels. Unless you live two blocks away, spring for a cab, lady. The remaining three say good-bye to each other. Uli interviews that winning the last challenge has made her more confident. Michael promises his line will be hot. Jeffrey's dream of seeing a full collection walk down the runway is being fulfilled.

A month later, Tim begins to make the rounds. First, we head to Atlanta, where Michael is working on his collection. Tim pulls up in a cherry red Saturn convertible. Oh, Tim. I see you in a much more dignified color. Jeez, you're not going through a midlife crisis. OR ARE YOU? Michael opens the door and welcomes him. He sounds surprised, given the fact that this is shot from within his house. Granted, I don't know Michael, but I feel confident in guessing that he doesn't live with a camera crew. He interviews that seeing Tim is like seeing an old friend, then interjects with the fact that he's a "braceface" now. Heh. Yeah, we saw. He gives us a nice, wide, metallic smile. He shows Tim his little workspace, and Tim asks how he's progressing. He seems pretty behind. His line is called "Street Safari", and there are sketches taped to the wall of what his clothing will look like. As far as completed pieces, there's a long, white dress with crisscrossed laces on the chest. I like it. Another dress is a crazy print. Did Uli sneak in and do this one? I'm not wild about that one. Tim says that the collection doesn't look very cohesive right now, and Michael will need to focus on that. Michael's a bit anxious. He's got one month left, and has only completed three pieces.

Shop talk out of the way, Michael invites Tim over to his cousin's house for dinner. Once there, Tim meets Michael's father, Michael. And Pamela is there, of course. She's as cute as ever. His aunt is bustling around in the kitchen, but we don't hear her name, because it's time to delve into the designers' past. Unlike last season, this year doesn't feel like a race to see who can get the most sympathy for the crappy things life has thrown at these people. Good. There are baby pictures of Michael in which his dad is working the huge afro. Awesome. He talks about being an army brat over more pictures of him in various awkward phases, wrapping up with one that I presume is from his modeling days. He says that his parents have always been very supportive of his goals. His father tells Tim they thought he was going to be a beautician, but his aspirations changed on them. He's never tried to convince Michael to follow a different path, and that's particularly impressive for an Army father. The family circles up to pray before dinner. Michael wills himself to think positively about winning the season.

Flash over to New York City. There's another fake shot of Laura admitting Tim to her building via the intercom buzzer. I guess the camera crew just teleported in. Really, show. Stop with that. Laura is pleased to see Tim. She interviews that she'll be having her fifth son in a row. I can't even imagine trying to look after six kids, let alone five boys. Yikes. Her apartment is gorgeous, of course. She leads Tim over to a photo album, so that we can transition into shots of her as a kid, and also one with her first child. She looks so young in that shot. She says that her mother taught sewing, so she learned construction skills at a young age. She takes Tim in to see the progress she's made on the collection, which is considerable. She has started on everything, but hasn't finished anything, simply because she wanted to be able to discuss each piece with Tim. I like the way she thinks. She has stuck to an evening-wear theme, but hopes to take her usual silhouettes to a new level. Tim likes her work, but warns her that she'll need to "youth things up", because her pieces tend to skew old, and these are no exception. Tim has a particular problem with a rather frilly, green dress. Laura explains that this is where she was trying to take a risk, but Tim doesn't think it's pretty in the least. I don't know, I kind of like it. They talk about how much work she's got yet to do, and Tim kids that she should turn her children into a mini-sweatshop. Heh.

Speaking of her children, the boys stream in. One of them is already crying and whining. My reproductive organs draw back in disgust. Where's her daughter? Oh, well. One of the boys offers Tim something that turns out to be a hunk of turtle poop. Tim laughs and basically runs away from him. Laura interviews that this was probably her youngest son's way of welcoming Tim to the family. Hehehe. Everyone realizes that where there's turtle poop, there's probably a turtle, and that he's missing. They start to search for him, and eventually figure he'll turn up somewhere. Laura's husband comes in. He's nothing like what I pictured her husband would look like. He looks like an English Lit professor. Tim is exhausted after spending half an hour with the kids. Aw, poor Tim. One of the boys finds Frank, the turtle. Having all these children meant that Laura has never really had the funds to start and sustain a business, and she hopes the winning the season will help get her rolling in the right direction. Tim takes his leave. The turtle eats Cheerios.

Commercials. Make sure you take good care of your retirement money. How else will you host barn dances?

Miami, Florida. OK, the cherry red Saturn makes a little more sense here. Tim pulls up to Uli's apartment building. That bitch... OK, let me get a hold of myself, here. All right. Uli has an expansive ocean view from her balcony. I'm turning green. She interviews that she takes her inspiration from Miami living. That's fine, as long as the wardrobe from The Golden Girls doesn't filter into her aesthetic. She shows off some of the safari-themed dresses she's made so far. Tim likes them, but tells her that she's not going to surprise the judges with this line; that it's too predictable. She seems OK with that. She seems OK with everything. Tim suggests going for a walk.

They stroll along the beach. It's gorgeous. I miss the ocean so much. Uli talks about life back in Germany, and how she used to watch Miami Vice. Heh. She actually grew up in East Germany, so it was a fairly restrictive life. She learned to make clothes early, but grew up without much color, so that's why she's so attracted to the more vibrant patterns these days. Her baby pictures are adorable. She's happy to have made it to America, where you can start as nobody and achieve your dreams in a very short time. You want to tug at my patriotic heartstrings, show? Get back to me when my beloved countrymen aren't actively stripping away my civil rights. Uli's excited for Fashion Week.

Los Angeles, California. There are only two weeks left. Jeffrey welcomes him in, and interviews that he was glad to see Tim, but nervous as well, because he doesn't think he ever really convinced Tim of what his point of view is. Fair enough. We meet Melanie, who's got a dark mohawk above a head of blond hair, and little Harrison, who's a cutie. Jeffrey says that Melanie got pregnant five months after they started going out. Hmmm...I'm not sure that's something I'd share with the country. He talks about the 20-hour days he's worked, which is somehow our transition into his backstory. It's certainly not as cheery as Michael or Laura's. As we know, he used to be an abused, alcoholic, suicidal junkie. A roommate who had been unexpectedly fired came home and saved him from hanging himself. Guess that tempers the whole "got fired" thing, huh? Jeffrey cleaned himself up after his suicide attempt, and has been clean for five years now. Tim asks how things have been going, and he says that it's been crazy since the show started to air. Yeah, I can imagine that trying to strike a balance between designing clothes and dodging rocks thrown at your head can be tiring. He really wants to win, and thus provide Harrison with a future. It's an admirable ambition, which is why I'm so frustrated that he chose to be the asshole of the season. I can't see any way that he can win now, so he's essentially shot himself in the foot.

Tim and Jeffrey leave to go to the workspace. It's a gigantic warehouse. The clothes are wrapped in plastic and neatly hanging on a rack. Jeffrey interviews that his initial inspiration was Japanese ghost and demon stories. That's cool, though it doesn't quite explain the red and white polka dot number I see back there. He shows Tim a striped dress in green and white with some very neat zipper seams that Tim loves. Some of the other pieces are equally good, which Tim finds delightfully unexpected. Jeffrey likes that Tim is wowed, but says that he doesn't see it as foreshadowing to how the judges will feel about the collection.

New York City. Two weeks later. Five days until the runway show. Michael arrives first. He's quite excited, and loves his collection, calling it "nasty". Hmm. He checks into a suite much nicer than the one at the Atlas. He says he hasn't slept in two days. Next to arrive is Laura, who says that she feels very good about her collection. She really wants to win, if for no other reason than that means that Jeffrey loses. Meow! Yep, you can tell the show has started to air at this point. Those backstabbing interviews are no longer so private. She sneaks into the bedroom and shakes Michael awake for a hug. In the evening, Uli pulls up. She can't wait to see how the other designers' collections look. Or something. I'm too busy concentrating on the fact that I don't think her suitcase is going to fit in that revolving door. She enters the suite and hugs Michael and Laura, admiring the latter's pregnant belly. Jeffrey lands, and interviews that he's finished everything he wanted to get done. He's expecting some sort of eleventh hour surprise, which is good thinking on his part, given last season. He still expects to win. If only he could hear the music that greets him as he enters the suite. This is not "Here Comes The Winner" music. This is "Here Comes The Moustache-Twirling Villain, Ready To Tie Poor Nell To The Railroad Tracks" music. Uli asks him how his life has been, and if people have been throwing eggs at him. He pretends that everything has been peachy. I've read about his reactions to the vile things people have written about him on the internet. I'm not going to pretend I've been a ray of sunshine about him, but I have no wish to "hold him underwater until he stops struggling". And that's one of the more mild things I found. Michael and Uli get up to greet him, while Laura...doesn't. I have to say she's being fairly graceless right now. You said plenty about him too, lady. Jeffrey tells everyone about how much work has gone into his collection, and everyone heads to bed. Extremely fake-looking shot of moonrise over the skyline.

Commercials. Saw III. Limecrete passes. III.

Much more realistic sunrise. Four days until the runway show. Everyone hauls their collections out of the hotel. Laura is excited to get back to the workroom with Michael and Uli and "even the tension that Jeff tries to cause." Man, she is being brutal. Everyone walks into their spacious new workspace and begins setting up their collections. Michael says that everyone was pretending not to be checking out everyone else's work. I don't even see why they put up the pretense. Laura asks how much Jeffrey has done, because it looks like a lot. It's eight dresses, a bathing suit, and three separates. He thinks the plastic bags add volume. Tim enters and gathers the designers. He pumps them up for Fashion Week, and cautions them to think about their entire presentation. He dismisses them so he can make the rounds to each individual designer.

Jeffrey's collection is done. No, DONE. No buttons to sew. No hems to clean up. Everything is finished. Laura's face gives us a window into the shitstorm that's about to fall. Tim seems to love Jeffrey's work. Uli does not fare as well. Tim tells her he'd like to see her clothes on actual people, because he's worried about proportion. He says he kind of misses her wacky print dresses. Aw, me too. She may have been predictable, but she could really work that style. Laura's detailing work is phenomenal, of course. She's gotten rid of the green dress Tim didn't care for during his visit. Tim is really pleased with her overall work. Michael's first dress gets an "Oy". That's not a good sign. Tim asks to see the rest of it, and Michael brings out a...holy hell, what is that? It's a white shirt with the front pockets make entirely out of silver sequins. I'm slack-jawed that Michael is capable of producing something so hideous. Even his less successful garments during the season at least had a basis in something pretty. This is just...icky. Oh, God, it also has big ol' brass buttons. Feh. Tim tells him he can either intentionally go over-the-top with things like this, or he'll have to start taking elements away. Michael's flustered. Tim collects everyone's receipts, so the producers will know what the $8000 was spent on. Jeffrey fusses a little over his before handing them over. It's meant to look very suspicious. Work montage. Except for Jeffrey, of course. Michael interviews that he'd rather go over-the-top than have no point of view. He says he's going to "rework" the details of his garments. Uli looks forward to the model casting.

And hey, here we are! Girls walk for the designers. Laura excitedly chooses a girl with actual hips. Heh. They've been seeing too many toothpicks, I gather. Looks like Katie is there, but she doesn't get the fanfare that Amanda does. A bunch of other no-names are chosen. The next segment is a mind-numbingly boring hair consultation with one of the stylists. I'll spare you. Although it is worth noting that Jeffrey has brought several blond wigs. It looks like he wants all the girls to look the same, so that it's the clothing that people are focused on. Mattel would be proud. Night falls. Morning. Three days until the runway show. Everyone heads to the workspace to meet some models for preliminary fittings. Hey, I think one of Michael's is Alexandra. Laura interviews that Jeffrey's work doesn't need a lot of alterations, because of the way they're constructed. She goes on to say that the alterations are one thing, but she's having trouble buying the fact that he was able to finish every button, hook, and seam before arriving in New York.

Commercials. I want to know what that song in the Intel commercial is. That's got a nice beat to it.

Oh, Jesus. The boring hair segment wasn't bad enough. Now it's time for an even more boring makeup segment with my un-favorite snooze, Collier Strong. Skipping! Seven hours until the end of the day. Everyone works on the details of their collection, except for Jeffrey, who's just kind of sitting there. Laura interviews that she's been stewing over this for two days, and that she doesn't believe that Jeffrey sewed the collection himself. Jeffrey wanders out of the room, and while he's gone, Laura voices her suspicions to Michael and Uli. Michael immediately agrees there's something fishy about it, especially given that Jeffrey has said he's also been working on other projects in addition to his Fashion Week line. Laura interviews that she has no problem believing that Jeffrey designed the entire line, but that you don't "pull craftsmanship like that out of your ass." So it's not just that he was able to finish all that in a short amount of time; she actually feels he's not capable of the work that was produced. The three of them go to pick over Jeffrey's clothing. Uli seems to find some imperfections (that would exonerate Jeffrey, I assume), but Laura points out some stellar stitching on leather jeans. They agree to bring it up with Jeffrey when he gets back.

But it's not Jeffrey who enters the room next, but Tim. Who knows how this would have gone if Jeffrey had never left? It's an interesting thought. Tim checks in with Uli first. She says that the day went pretty well, though she's still missing some models to fit. It's during this that Jeffrey comes back with some food. So now Laura cannot confront Jeffrey without Tim being present. She asks to speak with Tim, and he suggests moving out onto the terrace for some privacy. She hesitates. It looks like she's torn between making this a clandestine accusation and openly involving the entire room. She ultimately agrees to go outside. After a weak transition from talking about the terrace, Laura presents her suspicions to Tim. She details the things that Jeffrey has supposedly accomplished in a collection seemingly beyond his capabilities in a very short time span. She says that it's nothing she can prove, admitting it's just a gut feeling she has, and that she wanted to go on-record rather than ignoring it. Tim tells her that something like this can be difficult, if not impossible to prove, but he will take it to the producers, and they will investigate. Tim leaves. Laura interviews that she knows people will think she's a bitch for bringing this up (and she was right -- you should see some of the shit I've been reading on the internet about her), but that she stands by her belief that there's no way Jeffrey could have accomplished what he has on his own.

Commercials. The new Top Chef contestants are briefly introduced. Michael and I? Oh, yeah, we're going to have some problems.

When we return, Uli says that Laura has an announcement. Laura doesn't really want to phrase it like that, but doesn't miss a beat before telling Jeffrey about her conversation with Tim. Every single other time that Jeffrey has been confronted about anything on this show, he immediately goes on the offensive. This time he stares silently at Laura, then gives a tight "No, absolutely not". And that, more than anything else I've seen, makes me think Laura is right. I'm really not in a position to know if Jeffrey cheated or not, so I'm hesitant to hand down some sort of proclamation of his guilt or innocence. For all I know, he's worked his ass off for the past two months to get this collection done. But we have been watching Jeffrey for several weeks now. We've gotten a feel for his personality. And my gut reaction is that if he had really done all the work himself, he'd be screaming in Laura's face right about now. He just waveringly tells her that he's come on the show to show what he can do. Michael shoulders some of the blame for her accusations, saying that he agreed with her once she brought it up. Uli starts to say something, but I can't hear it over Jeffrey's protestations. Laura calmly says that she had a feeling she needed to express, and now he knows what it is. Jeffrey just sits there, but soon flees to the terrace. It's just so out-of-character. If he's innocent, he's still being awfully shady. Laura says to the others that she's not going to apologize for bringing the subject up. Jeffrey interviews that Laura just feels that if anyone does better than she did, they must be cheating. "Who fucking cares what you think?" he rhetorically asks. I'll answer him anyway. The producers.

Morning. In bed, Laura says basically what I just did, that Jeffrey's reaction was odd. She expected him to say (as she puts on a faux-Jeffrey voice) "What the hell, bitch? I made this stuff myself. Shut up!" In even odder news, Laura apparently wears her earrings to bed. She hopes there won't be horrible tension in the workroom. They enter the workroom and set up. Jeffrey interviews that he started his business making hundreds of one-of-a-kind pieces for celebrities. His point is that he's genuinely able to make good clothes quickly, when it's all his own time to do it on. I'm not sure what makes his self-imposed time limits any more special than the show-imposed ones. He's not saying a word to anyone else, when you'll remember he couldn't wait to rehash the entire mom challenge with Angela. I'm just saying. Tim enters to talk to Jeffrey. He starts by saying that Jeffrey will be assumed innocent until they find reason otherwise, and gives him the opportunity to confess if he is, indeed, guilty. Jeffrey denies it. I know it must seem that I'm looking for ways to nail Jeffrey to the wall, but I must point out that he's not able to meet Tim's eyes as he says this. Tim generally inspects the collection, and says that they'll be studying Jeffrey's receipts to look for irregularities. "I fucking made the entire collection," Jeffrey interviews. "But I'm scared to death that I'm not going to be showing at Bryant Park." Um...why? It's not like Laura has the time or power to cobble together some vast conspiracy against him. If he made the collection, then they won't find anything wrong, and he'll be fine. It's only if he actually cheated that he has cause to worry. Yeah, I can feel my scales tipping.

Next week on Project Runway: Fallout from the accusation. Tim says something that makes Jeffrey cry, though whether in sadness or relief, I don't know. Clothes will be shown. A winner will be picked.

Overall Grade: C-

Reunion

Project Runway - Season 3, Episode 12

Previously on Project Runway: The entire third season. Need to brush up? Have fun with the links to your left. Tonight, a very special episode. All fifteen designers are back to answer questions! Well, all fifteen designers are back. Their skill in answering questions is still to be determined, lest anyone forget Lupe.

We jump right in, with most of the designers (save five) already seated. I also note that nobody has any drinks in his/her hand, because did I mention Lupe? Heidi greets everyone, and introduces Tim. He says that the show will include clips, discussions, and questions. OK, get to it! Get, get, get! Sorry, I've had two gigantic cups of coffee, and I'm on a bit of a high right now. He also mentions that the person voted "fan favorite" will receive $10,000. Shot of Vincent smiling. Yeah, he has a prayer. Heidi asks how it's been being recognized. Bradley kids that he's not recognized, because he's shaved off his beard, and OH MY GOD SO CUTE. Bonnie says that a woman came up to her, and after confirming that she was on the show, told her she sucked and ran away. Hehehe. Vincent says that knowing who your fans are is a beautiful thing. Like he has any fans apart from his wife and daughter. Heidi narrows her eyes. "Did it turn you on?" Hahaha! Wow, fourteen seconds in, and this episode already rocks. Everyone laughs. Malan showed at Fashion Week. Hey, that's great! I still didn't like him on the show, but everything I've seen or read about him since then makes him seem like a perfectly nice person. Angela says that public reaction was great, especially after the mom challenge. Well, sure. Attention is like food to her.

Before bringing out the finalists, Heidi would like to know who they thought would have made it to the finals. Katie picks Alison, because her style is so wearable by so many people. Alison thanks her. Vincent picks Kayne, because of his outstanding presentation. Kayne remains stone-faced. He's not Vincent's best friend ever? Why could that be? Maybe Kayne did some laundry for him. SPOILER! Stacey picks Robert. Robert kiddingly agrees. Time to bring out the finalists. Uli. Applause. Michael. Applause. Jeffrey. Notably tepid applause. Laura. Applause. She's very pregnant, but is totally rocking a red dress. She looks fantastic. She and Heidi throw a few pregnancy barbs back and forth. Heidi has a question for her from the website. Does she own a pair of jeans? Laura says that riding pants and boots are her version of jeans and sneakers. She doesn't own any jeans, which is almost unfathomable to me, but hey, it's Laura. Heidi tells Tim she's never seen him in jeans either, but he cops to owning them. Tim says they're going to view a clip of how they arrived at the final four. It's just the ending runway of the last episode, which is pretty boring, except when Alison mimics the Pounding Drums of Suspense that always precede the elimination. Hahahaha! Heidi asks how they felt during that judging. Michael says he sweats about it, even watching it now when he knows what's coming. He's got braces. How he avoids looking goofy is beyond me, but he pulls it off. Everyone thinks having the final four (as opposed to three) is a good idea.

You may have noticed that there's still one designer missing. The person "everyone" thought was going to make it to Olympus Fashion week, but was disqualified. Yes, it's the one and only (thank God) Keith Michael. Let's bring him out. Applause even more tepid than Jeffrey's. These aren't even golf claps. They're putt-putt claps. Heidi, very friendly under the circumstances, asks him if his predictions of becoming a laughing-stock came true. He says not really, and that he didn't give his friends enough credit. OK, but... They're your friends. Are those really the people you need to worry about? Alison squeezes his shoulder comfortingly. Aw. Tim introduces the clip of Keith's ejection. Heidi asks what they all thought of this; whether it was fair or not. Robert says absolutely. Alison says she was upset, because Keith was one of the designers that she had become close with. Note she skirted the question of whether or not his disqualification was justified. Kayne says that his goal was not to come to the show and have someone kicked off, which I'm sure is true. Tim asks Keith if he believes the outcome was fair. Prepare yourself for some world-class delusion. He doesn't think it was fair, based on the fact that he's upset. No, it won't make a difference how many times you read that sentence. It won't ever make more sense. Keith claims that it was never in the contract that people can't bring books. The other designers instantly disagree. Tactic #2: "I don't recall reading that". The other designers say that it was explicitly stated.

Heidi confirms that the designers were to come with their brains and their fingers, and that's about it. I mean, even if Keith really missed that section, does it make sense that books would be allowed? Of course not. So it's still no excuse. Stacey says that looking at even the most basic pattern in a book can trigger a whole slew of ideas, which is 1) true and 2) totally irrelevant. Thanks, Stacey. Tactic #3: The books were taken away from Keith, then mysteriously returned a week later. Heidi and Tim both deny that producers would do that, and of course they have more credibility than Cheaty McSneakerson. Even if this little fantasy of Keith's is true, who cares? Say I have forty pounds of cocaine. The cops take it away from me. Then they return it to me. Then they arrest me. Is that unfair? No. Weird, but not unfair, because having the cocaine in the first place is illegal. Tim shuts him down, saying that the producers' integrity is unimpugnable. Keith says he has no idea how the books made it back to his room. Magical elf, perhaps?

Jeffrey pinches the bridge of his nose with his fingers in a classic "Lord, save me from this douchebag" gesture. He's asked if he thought Keith's ejection was fair, and he absolutely does. Tim and Heidi also bring up the matter of Keith leaving the production for several hours, which is also against the rules. Keith says that he was upset about the whispering and gossip about the books. Heidi brings up the excellent analogy of a fender-bender. If you believe the accident wasn't your fault and it's just an innocent mistake, do you take off? No, because there's no reason to run. You go, Heidi! Tactic #4: A production assistant gave Keith permission to go. The same magical elf, perhaps? Laura rolls her eyes awesomely. Uli says that the designers aren't even allowed to go to the bathroom without somebody following, so things like that don't happen. Keith says he's not going to take this abuse by "rolling over like a puppy", which is what Tim is quoted as saying about him later. There's no way this little ass pimple is able to take on the likes of Tim Gunn, though, so Tim explains that the quote was in reference to the fact that he was expecting a fight when he first brought the news of the ejection to Keith, and that the puppy-rolling was Keith's reaction then. That's all the time we have for this waste of organs. Good job redeeming yourself in the eyes of the public, Keith! I certainly am totally convinced of your innocence after your mass of rambling, incomprehensible stories!

Commercials. Go spend money on this movie about Truman Capote! No, not that one! This other one! Please? We're begging you!

Heidi introduces a very funny clip of Tim befuddling the designers with his extensive vocabulary. I'd love to be all snotty and "Well, I certainly understood everything, because I'm so smart!", but Faux bois (fake wood)? Sturm und Drang (turmoil)? I'd look as blank as the designers. There's a final string of three-dollar words before we rejoin everyone laughing at the reunion. Tim gets a question from e-mail, asking if he himself is a designer. He says that he prefers to educate rather than design, but he does do drawings and sculpture and such. Really? Wow, that's cool. Tim's not the only one with a "idiosyncratic lexicon" of the season. Another hilarious montage follows. Laura referring to several other works as "serious ugly". Shot of her looking amusingly horrified at the reunion. Robert chanting "boring" over and over. Vincent and his disgusting "turns me on". And finally, a brilliant, brilliant series of Bradley's random sound effects, the best of which is him completely ignoring whatever Bonnie's saying to make some sort of popping noise.

The designers are asked how it is to work with Tim. Uli gives the general "yay, Tim!" speech we hear a lot from these guys. But not everyone is complimentary. Heidi reads a quote from Entertainment Weekly. "Tim has been bad-mouthing me ever since the show started, because I didn't choose to bow down to Tim. If he gave me constructive advice, I would thank him. But if he tried other things, I would dismiss him." Before we get into another delude-o-rama from the quote's source, which is OF COURSE Vincent, let's examine it a little. Tim publicly shredded Vincent because he wasn't subservient enough? How many episodes of this show would you have to watch to see what patent bullshit that is? My guess is about three. From any season. Also, note the "I don't have a problem with Tim, as long as he likes my work" tone of that quote. What he's basically saying is that someone's opinion of his work isn't valid unless it happens to be a positive one. Convenient. Vincent says he stands by that quote, because of what people have been telling him that Tim's said on various blogs. Not that Vincent has read any of these blogs, by his own admission. So he's perfectly comfortable making and standing by a quote based entirely on hearsay. Tim duhs that if Vincent hasn't read [Tim's] blog on the Bravo website, he should, because any criticism Tim made was about Vincent's designs; not his character. Don't worry Tim, I'll take up the slack for you. VINCENT IS CRAZY. AND NOT LOVABLY CRAZY. FULL-ON PSYCHOTIC. There.

Heidi continues with Vincent's quote, which refers to the other designers as a bunch of amateurs. Michael points out that getting on the show together would imply that if the other designers are amateur, so is he. Instead of saying anything that would make the tiniest bit of sense, Vincent responds that what he meant by amateur is "not being up to that level of design". Oh, well that clears everything up! Even Alison, who is far kinder than a lot of these other people, is rolling her eyes. Tim asks Laura what she thinks. "I think Vincent's delusional." Atta girl! She goes on to say that it's great that he loves his own work, but disagrees with his opinion about the other designers' work, which was a perfectly polite way of making him sound like an even bigger tool. Well played, Laura. Uli asks if he's such a professional, why is he not, you know, SELLING CLOTHES FOR PROFIT? YOU KNOW, LIKE A BUSINESS? Vincent pulls that move when someone's lost an argument by saying that he's entitled to his opinion. Yes, and other people are entitled to POINT OUT WHAT A FREAKING NUTBAR YOU ARE. I realize I'm shouting, which I guess is my way of hoping the tiniest bit of logic is able to penetrate the mass of tapioca that constitutes his brain. I know I'm crying for the moon. Robert sniffs that "dogging" other people's work is the true mark of an amateur. Bitchy, but deserved. Vincent retreats into garble, saying that it "takes a certain level to be at a certain level." Tim says that he has no idea what Vincent is talking about. Hehe.

Tim introduces a montage of Kayne talking at warp-speed, most notably frightening Miss USA to her core. There's an honest-to-goodness word count flashed on screen, winding up with Kayne's 932 words to Miss USA's seven. Hehehe. There are other scenes of him blathering away intercut with this, along with shots of designers at the reunion giggling along. Kayne laughs that he feels like telling himself to shut up, just as he did (in interview) to Amanda. Heidi has him speed-talk us into the commercials.

Commercials. OhmyGodcanyoubelievethatCaliforniaistryingtopretendlikewe'reallintotheircheese? ImeaneveryoneknowsthatWisconsin'stheplacetobe. Nope. It doesn't roll off my tongue like it does Kayne's.

Tim asks about the public reaction to Malan. He says that it's been really great, and that he's received over two million e-mails. Yowsa. He says if not for that support, he probably wouldn't have had the strength to show at Fashion Week. Heidi confirms that he still did not get any support from his family, which he seems pretty depressed about. Aw. He feels it has a lot to do with his sexuality. Shots of Tim, Robert, and Kayne. Yeah, we get it, show. A viewer wrote in asking about Malan's accent. He says he was raised in Taiwan, Hong Kong, Australia, and the United States, so it's a blend. He laughs that very, ah, unique laugh of his, which Heidi imitates. Heh. They've even got a montage clip of Malan's disturbing laugh. Bonnie tries to imitate it, and fails. Robert says it's like a blend of Cary Grant and Eddie Munster. Not a bad description. Back at the reunion, Malan is delighted, calling it sweet that they dedicated a clip to him. Yeah, no kidding, considering he was second off.

Tim asks which challenge was the most enjoyable. Alison jumps right in with the dog challenge. Yeah, I loved that one. Alison says that the animals made the whole thing really fun. Heidi asks which one was the hardest. People seem to agree that it was the mom challenge. I know I'm redundantly linking all over the place, but did I mention the two giant cups of coffee? Robert says that it was very tough to design plus-sized clothing, and it required the designers to break out of their shell. Heidi adds that unlike usual models, moms actually talk back. Heh. This, of course, leads Robert to add that the challenge was indeed more difficult, because "except for some people", you don't want to make someone else's mom cry. Clip of that whole Jeffrey/Angela/Darlene kerfluffle. Heidi asks if they look at that situation any differently now. Jeffrey's already defiant as he snots "No. It hasn't happened any differently." Angela doesn't really know what to say. Jeffrey says that it was never his intention to make Darlene cry, but that she was never planning to tell him that she didn't like the colors; only criticize him on the runway. Probably true. Angela disputes this, saying that Jeffrey's making it out like Darlene was planning to sabotage him on the runway.

Gnat: "No, you were handling that part yourself."

Jeffrey actually states something that makes his point of view of the situation understandable. He says that Darlene didn't approach him with her problems, because she didn't want to make trouble, and by the time she did voice her opinion, it was too late for him to do anything about it. He didn't appreciate that. I have no trouble believing that this is 100% true. Also true is what Robert says next, so I'll let him do my work for me. "To me, Jeffrey didn't handle it properly in how he spoke to her. I think he knows it, though. Because it's just inappropriate to talk to any client that way." Laura, of all people, brings up a good point in Jeffrey's defense, which is that all the moms except Darlene just let the designers do whatever they wanted. Darlene gave Jeffrey a much harder time. It certainly doesn't excuse the way that Jeffrey acted in that episode, but I'm sure it's true. Tim asks Jeffrey how he would have responded had his mom been on the end of a smackdown. He responds that he would have gone over and "assisted". Oh, and you were doing so well, Jeffrey. This is pure bullshit. He would have thrown a massive tantrum. We all know it. Tim asks if he ever apologized to Darlene, and he says that he never had the chance to. Fishy. Angela confirms that she asked him to apologize the morning of the runway show, and he said "I'm not apologizing to anybody". So...here we are at the reunion. This has all been rehashed, and he's admitted that he never apologized. Everyone around him seems to feel that an apology is called for. Pop quiz, hotshot. You're in this situation. You, as a normal human being:

a) Read the damn room and apologize now.
b) Stick to your guns, and say that you don't feel you owe anybody an apology.
c) Completely wuss out, and mutter something about "circumstances" and "stress".

Scoresheet:

a) Congratulations. You have correctly diffused the situation. Even if you don't mean a word of your apology, you know that sometimes your image being redeemed is more important than your wounded pride.
b) Your social skills need some work, but at least nobody can accuse you of inconsistency. Perhaps people won't like you for it, but hey, you're standing by your principles. Can't please everyone.
c) You're not only an asshole, but a stupid asshole. Put away your jeweled sunglasses and your neck tattoos, pussy. You're about as hardcore as Rainbow Brite.

Angela ruins this, of course, by pretending that she and Jeffrey would be best friends if not for the mom challenge. People laugh in her face, as they should. Tim segues into what he calls one of the "scariest" moments of the season, which didn't even make it on camera. You've probably seen it by now. If not:



Yeah, he's totally professional. And it actually goes on longer than that. This is what cracks me up about the people who never tire of whining that it's all the editor's fault that they came off poorly. It's slightly understandable. Certainly, if you took all the parts of a competition that I acted stressed and bitchy, strung them together, and showed only that, you wouldn't get a complete picture of what I'm like. BUT. They can't show you acting bitchy (crazy, weird, stupid, etc.) if you DON'T ACT LIKE THAT. They didn't CGI you being a twat, Zulema. They didn't dub in an actor's voice yelling at well-meaning locals, Hayden (and by the way, please purchase a bra -- there are several stores where this can be accomplished). They didn't spin your snide attitude out of magic dust and pixie wings, Tiffani. My coffee buzz is wearing off. I'm sad now.

Commercials. Men should act like men. OK, Milwaukee's Best Light. I'm going to assert my masculinity by telling you that your commercials are the dumbest fucking things I've ever seen in my life, and I wouldn't drink your swill if Ken Ryker were dancing naked above it.

It's time to announce the winner of the "fan favorite" competition. Michael. Yay! Two special guests have the giant toy check for him: Nina and Michael Kors. Laura makes fun of the check. Hehe. Michael's thrilled and gratified. Kors and Nina take seats next to Tim, who says that fashion is "subjective" and "boils down to a matter of taste". Hey, does something smell like unfermented ass-covering in here? But first, they talk about the scoring system in general. The designs are scored on a scale from 1 (awful) to 5 (wonderful). The scores are then added. After the question and answer section, the scores may change. Nina says she judges by whatever the particular challenge called for. Kors says that he tries to judge the challenges separately, rather than by someone's overall body of work. Based on the number of "this is a nice dress, but your other work is too similar to it" thrown at these designers (Uli in particular), I'm going to have to call bullshit on that one. Tim says that the designers can ask the judges questions about their motivations for particular decisions. Interesting.

Angela asks that had her "story" been different in the dog challenge, would the judges have hated the garment so much? This is actually a really good question. That outfit was hideous from head to toe, of course, but the judges really pounced on how inappropriate the clothing was, given the (admittedly stupid) art-camp-for-kids story behind it. They let her in on the fact that they wouldn't have liked the outfit anyway. The words "hoochie" and "hooker" feature prominently. Kayne starts off with a legitimate question about his couture dress. Would the judges have liked it more if it had been a solid color? Michael Kors begins to respond in the affirmative, but Kayne's inner drama queen can't be contained for that long, and interrupts with a tangent about how there wasn't a wide enough fabric selection, and that he's gotten nothing but positive feedback on that dress, and blah blah HOW DARE YOU NOT LIKE MY WORK! NO MORE WIRE HANGERS! Kors snippily responds that it's a matter of taste, and if people want to do over-the-top designs, that's wonderful, but they still have to find the best way to present that aesthetic. Zing!

Tim brings up the controversial judging in the recycling challenge. That ass-covering smell is getting stronger. He asks Alison how she felt about her elimination. She says she's moved beyond it at this point, but at the time, she liked it on the dress form. It didn't work out on the runway, however. So she's essentially agreeing with her booting. Michael Kors tells her she should have changed what needed changing when the dress was transferred to Alexandria from the mannequin. Um, she didn't disagree with you, ass. And it would have fallen to bits if she had tried to do that. Besides, the controversy from that judging wasn't that Alison's dress didn't suck, because it kind of did. The controversy is that Vincent's dress was far, far worse. Note that this is never addressed, so it's just as much bullshit as it was when they tried to cover up Santino's shitty lingerie line. Whatever. Laura asks if they feel like they've ever made a mistake in judging. Do they ever see an old episode and think they judged too hastily? Michael Kors says "No" after not one iota of hesitation. Anyone who thinks they've never made a mistake in their work -- is not very good at their work. I'll leave it at that.

Heidi transitions into some wacky problems they had during certain judgings. Clip of the smoke alarm going off during the runway questioning session in the black and white challenge. Nobody moves. They're lucky there wasn't a real fire. The funniest bit is when they think it's stopped; the second Nina goes back to criticizing the designers, it starts again. Hehehe. Clip of Marilinda feeling faint during the freestyle challenge. Clip of Amanda feeling faint in the dog challenge. And the recycling challenge. Note that all of those challenges were ones in which the model's designer didn't do well. Coincidence? I THINK NOT. Clip of Jeffrey letting a massive fart out. But we don't see him. It's just a noise emanating from behind the silhouette screen on the runway. Hahahahaha! He farts again as the designers emerge, and Vincent chastises him, which cracks everybody at the reunion up.

Commercials. Hey, you don't have to sell Ben and Jerry's to me. I'm sold already.

The four finalists have left, and the remaining designers are asked who they think will win. Bonnie finds it hard to pick a favorite, but likes Uli's work. Robert thinks Laura's the dark horse. Katie picks Michael. Alison says Michael and Jeffrey are her top choices. Kayne thinks Michael and Laura will be the top two. Keith feels Jeffrey is the most innovative, but Uli has a great perspective. Angela and Vincent can't pick a favorite. Heidi introduces a clip of what previous seasons' designers think. Jay picks Michael, and his reasoning is... Well, see the breakdown here. Gay white guy wins. Asian immigrant wins. Black guy wins. It's the natural progression of reality programming. Note he doesn't say one word about design talent, and while I don't like Jay in general, that was brilliant. Chloe wants Michael to win. And why shouldn't she? He might not have even made it into the competition were it not for her. Kara says Uli's going to have a strong showing. Hehehe. I swear I'm not laughing because they're the same person as far as Reality Show Archetypes go. OK, I am. Danzzz picks Uli, too. Daniel Franco chooses Laura. Robert P. says something dumb said only for attention's sake, so I'm going to omit his quote just out of spite. And that's it. Heidi thanks everyone, and signs off by pretending to kiss Tim on the lips. Oh, just do it!

Next week on Project Runway: Tim visits designers. Jeffrey has an ugly mullet, but an enormous design space. Tim encounters turtle feces. Uli's models are hungover and aren't showing up for fittings. Laura formally accuses Jeffrey of cheating. You heard me.

Overall Grade: B