Harper's Island - Season 1, Episode 8
Previously on Harper's Island: DEATH!
Despite the fact that Maggie told the wedding party that they'd basically have the inn to themselves, now all sorts of people are crawling out of the woodwork to flee to the mainland. I guess I can't blame them, since the murderer refuses to restrict him or herself to the main cast. Shea wanders the inn, looking for Madison and calling out her name. Even though the inn's staff is fleeing the island along with all those newfound guests, a truly dedicated maid and floor buffer stay behind to do their duties. I'd love to be privy to their thought processes. "Well, a serial killer is on the loose, but these pillowcases aren't going to fold themselves!" Members of the wedding party pack their stuff onto the shuttle that will take them down to the marina. Henry tries to comfort Trish, saying he'll be along as soon as the arrangements with her dad's body are dealt with.
MEANWHILE, at the prison, the sheriff cuffs JD and leads him out of his cell, while Shane, who's been cooling his heels here for a while, smirks and makes obnoxious comments. JD is hauled into another room, where the sheriff sits him down, and asks him to explain all these murders. JD protests his innocence, though not especially vehemently. The sheriff asks about Burnface McGee, and JD tells him where the old coot can be found, but warns the sheriff that he's not too popular in that neighborhood.
MEANWHILE, Jimmy says good-bye to Abby. I have no idea why he's not going to the mainland along with everyone else. Shea arrives in a panic about not being able to find either Madison or Richard. Katherine begins to wonder whether Richard may have spirited Madison off somewhere, but is interrupted by Trish. No idea about that, either. Henry promises Shea that they'll find Madison before the boat goes anywhere. He approaches the rest of the wedding party, and asks for help in finding her. After some initial hesitation, they agree.
MEANWHILE, Shane and JD are fighting in their adjacent cells. A deputy comes in to yell at them. Suddenly, the lights go out, and a shotgun blast fires. The deputy falls dead to the floor, dropping his keys by JD's cell. A few moments later, another blast fires. Shane prays not to be gunned down in his cell, and gets his wish when the lights come back on. JD manages to reach the keys, and lets himself out. Shane makes a rare good point in that if JD leaves without freeing Shane, he's just going to look more guilty. JD doesn't seem to mind, and flings the keys down at the deputy's corpse. Shane threatens to kill JD the next time they meet. I'm not sure the rantings of the local hick would bother anyone who's just seen a real murderer in action.
MEANWHILE, Maggie leads Shea and Trish to the room she gave to Richard last night. You'd think they'd have looked here before now. It turns out not to matter, as it looks like Richard never used it. Trish tries to convince Shea that while Richard was a crappy husband, he's a good father, and would never kidnap Madison. The whole Richard-took-Madison theory is certainly not out of the realm of possibility (as far as the characters know), but I'm surprised that the other obvious conclusion - that whoever killed Sinister Dad has also come for Richard and Madison - hasn't occurred to any of them.
MEANWHILE, the sheriff heads into Burnface McGee's territory. The search parties look for Madison. The sheriff almost sets off one of the forest's many Goonies booby traps, but backs away from the trip-wire when he hears a noise. The noise turns out to be Lucy's purse dog, which causes the sheriff to relax, then set off the trap after all. Creepy little children and purse dogs ruin everything. A pointy implement swings and impales the sheriff in the leg. He does the worst thing you can do, and yanks the implement out. I don't know much about deadly booby traps, but even I remember the basic tenet of first aid that says you don't pull things out of a puncture wound. Chloe, Cal, Shea, and Trish are at the inn, and decide to check the basement, where they find Malcolm's seared handprint on the incinerator door, and his skull in the fire. Shea freaks out, but Cal is able to tell that there's no way it belongs to a child. Abby, Katherine, and Henry are at the water's edge, and discover Richard's body harpooned to a tree. Just then, Abby's phone rings. It's Madison, saying that she's been told to say that she'll be killed if anyone leaves the island. Rut roh.
Abby and Henry try to call the sheriff, but can't get a cell phone signal. They at least have the grace to mention that it's weird that Madison can call them, but they can't call anyone else. They rush back to the inn, where they discover all the phones are dead. Somehow, they manage to gather all the other search parties to form some sort of plan. Katherine brings up the valid question of why Abby was called instead of anyone having any real connection to Madison. This goes unanswered. Also, everyone thinks JD is in jail, so they wonder who induced Madison to make the call. Blond Tool says that the victims have been Richard, Sinister Dad, and Madison, so this is clearly a problem with Trish's family. Everyone jumps down his throat, and although he's being a tool as always, it is the most likely conclusion for him to jump to.
Henry shatters all of that by revealing the murder of Uncle Marty. Blond Tool wants to leave the island immediately, but Shea begs him to stay and find Madison. He snaps that her life isn't more important than any of the others', and Trish smacks him across the face. Again, he's a huge tool, and being dismissive of a child's life in front of her mother is awful, but yeah... It's a tricky situation. He's not only being asked to risk his life for a kid he met (and probably doesn't like, for good reason) a few days ago, but he's not even really being asked. It's expected of him. Now he and every other adult on the island will be easy prey, and even leaving out any locals still hanging around, that's still more than a dozen lives being tossed onto the poker table for one kid. This was actually really clever of the writers as both a moral issue and as a way of keeping the main characters on the island. Kudos to them.
MEANWHILE, the badly wounded sheriff is approached by someone in the woods, but is too weak to do much about it. Back at the inn, Chloe is compiling a list of dead and missing guests. The others snap at her for this, but I don't see why. It won't do anyone any good to pretend that Lucy is partying it up in Seattle or that Malcolm vanished without taking any of his stuff. In fact, I don't see why the groomsmen don't bring up Booth's death right now. They may as well. Suddenly, the lights cut out. This spurs a new plan in which Maggie hands over all the inn's guns (I guess the skeet shooting ones) so that everyone can defend themselves. Cal argues that giving unskilled, terrified people weapons is a recipe for disaster, but to no avail. Jimmy enters, and is almost shot by said unskilled, terrified people. He says he came to take Abby to a boat, as the one carrying all the other people left about a half hour previously.
The people originally not too thrilled about the whole let's-stay-and-die-for-Madison's-sake (Blond Tool, Chloe, and Beth) offer Jimmy money to take them to the mainland. There's some bickering. Abby and Jimmy head to the sheriff's station to try and reach someone on the battery-powered radio.
MEANWHILE, Burnface McGee has taken the sheriff to his cabin. He says that he's been in town a few weeks, setting booby traps and hunting the killer. Well, he certainly excels at one of those things, and sucks at the other. The purse dog has evidently taken the place of his dead attack dog. That's quite a swap. There's some talk about Abby's involvement in the whole affair, and Burnface McGee pulls out a book for the sheriff to read.
MEANWHILE, Henry and Danny go down to the old generator to try and get it working. Danny is bemoaning his karmic punishment for taking the money from Hunter's boat, but Henry doesn't think the two are connected. Danny takes a moment to intelligently suggest that maybe the generator is rigged, just like the chandelier at the church was. Henry basically ignores him, and fiddles with it. For someone who's ostensibly the hero of our story, Henry's kind of an ass. Maybe he's the killer. I have no real evidence of this; he just responds to situations in weird ways. Though a spark gives them both a good scare, the generator doesn't explode. It doesn't turn on, either. Henry suggests jumping it with cables from a nearby truck (Shane's, if I'm not mistaken).
MEANWHILE, Abby and Jimmy arrive at the sheriff's station to discover that the radio has been smashed. Man, the murderer is busy this week. They also hear Shane calling out for help, and make their way back to the cells, where Jimmy slips on the deputy's blood. Ew. Shane describes what happened earlier, and tells Abby that he knows where her dad went, having overheard the conversation between the sheriff and JD. He promises to tell her what she wants to know if they spring him.
MEANWHILE, the jumping trick works, and the inn's power comes back on. Danny and Henry come back to the lounge, where they discover...nobody. A whistling kettle leads them to Shea, Trish, and Katherine in the kitchen. It seems that everyone else has jumped ship. Henry promises to round them all up, leaving Danny to stay with the women.
MEANWHILE, the sheriff finishes reading what turns out to be Wakefield's diary, which is apparently pretty horrible, though we're never told any specifics. The sheriff and Burnface McGee talk out their issues like they're members of the Babysitter's Club. Burnface McGee insists that JD isn't the killer, and has been helping him try to find the person responsible for the recent murders. He also says that Abby coming back to the island has set off the recent chain of events, but if that's true, I don't see how Cousin Ben's murder fits in. Not wanting the sheriff's death on his hands with Abby wandering around, Burnface McGee leaves the cabin to get medical help. The purse dog goes with him, and senses something. Burnface McGee doesn't react quickly enough, and is pinned to the cabin with an arrow shot out of the woods. He drops the lantern he's holding, starting a fire. I'll say this for the murderer: He or she certainly has an impressive repertoire. Another arrow tears through the window, and the sheriff hurls himself to the floor, dragging himself towards his gun. A final arrow finishes off Burnface McGee, and he drops the satchel containing Wakefield's journal by the fire.
The sheriff reaches his gun. Fat lot of good it does him now. Jimmy and Abby burst in the door. Man, Jimmy's come close to being shot a lot this week. The sheriff sends Abby out to get the satchel before it burns. She manages it. The sheriff asks Jimmy to take him to the marina. Speaking of which, the four fleeing wedding party members arrive there, and select a suitable boat to steal. Cal has second thoughts, and decides that he couldn't live with himself if Madison were hurt because he left. He tells Chloe he knows she feels the same way, and she agrees to go back with him. Beth waffles. Cal spots JD running, which gets Blond Tool and Beth off the boat. I'm not sure why. I guess to go shoot him, which is dumb, given the conversation back at the inn about how JD was in jail when Madison's phone call was made. Abby, Jimmy, and the sheriff arrive, and Abby refuses to abandon her father to go wait in safety on the mainland. Blond Tool approaches to tell them that JD is in the vicinity. Jimmy and Abby take guns to go find him. But... They know JD was in jail when the deputy was shot, and the sheriff knows that JD was helping Burnface McGee. Everyone left on the island knows something isn't adding up. Why still the bandwagon about hunting JD down?
Jimmy leaves Abby alone to check something out. Of course. Why stick together? Abby hears a person in distress, and carefully walks down one of the docks. She finds JD lying on the ground. He's been stabbed in the gut, and is slipping away. So naturally, instead of saying "[So-and-so] did this," he grunts out some enigmatic crap about how all the murders are tied to Abby, then dies. Abby turns around to discover...Henry. Crying and drenched in blood. Well, now. Isn't this an interesting turn of events?
Next week on Harper's Island: DEATH!
Overall Grade: B
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Burn Notice
Harper's Island - Season 1, Episode 7
Previously on Harper's Island: DEATH!
The sheriff arrives at the inn, which spurs talk amongst the wedding party about room searches and such. This freaks Malcolm out, because he still hasn't bothered to hide the ill-gotten money anyplace safer than under his bed. Shea and Madison sit in the dining room. Madison is a creepy brat some more. Shea looks like she's starting to catch the snap that her daughter's a psycho. Malcolm rushes upstairs to try and transfer the money from the satchel to his backpack, but he's interrupted by a knock at the door. Instead of asking who it is, he continues with his panic, and tosses the satchel of money out the window. He could have saved himself the trouble, because it's only Beth at the door, there to thank him for giving her a shoulder to blubber on.
MEANWHILE, Henry tries to talk to Trish. He says that while there's a charter boat coming later to take everyone back to Seattle, he can stay on the island until her dad's body is released. He also wants to know where their wedding stands now. Trish is too upset to offer any sort of opinion. Abby is met in the lobby by Jimmy, who's looking more like Milo Ventimiglia by the day. They both bemoan the fact that murder sprees always seem to get in the way of their budding romance. Yeah, poor you. We're catapulted into a flashback of seven years ago, when Harper's Island was some sort of sun-dappled paradise. Nikki and Abby giggle over the fact that Jimmy has invited Abby to go camping (the locals use camping as an excuse to bone each other). Abby figures if it ain't broke, don't fix it, and is all too willing to give it up. Jimmy overhears the last bit, and is all smiles. He and Abby make with the smooches.
MEANWHILE... Well, not meanwhile. Seven years later, the sheriff searches JD's room and finds some firecrackers. Henry comes in, and the sheriff snarks that Henry knew JD put the dead raccoon on the church altar, and didn't tell him. Wait, did Henry show the firecracker to the sheriff? I thought he hid it. Also, all the guests knew that JD had firecrackers. Why is it such a surprise now? ALSO, also, though the firecracker and the raccoon were found together, it doesn't automatically follow that JD is responsible for the animal carcass. We pass over all of that, and Henry just whines that he was trying to protect JD. Things get worse for the absent JD when the sheriff discovers the anti-depressant (or anti-psychotic) medication in the bathroom. Henry says that JD hasn't been taking his pills. Then the sheriff finds Uncle Marty's cell phone in JD's bag. That's enough evidence for him to assume for now that JD is the killer.
MEANWHILE, the inn staff takes down all the wedding decorations. Abby spots Henry trying to talk to a very unreceptive Trish. He comes over, and tells Abby about the cell phone, and that Trish must blame him for his brother being a psycho killer (in addition to being a depressive Froot Loop). He wanders off to convince the sheriff to let him come along on the search for JD. Abby takes a plate of food over to Trish, and they bond over their dead parents.
MEANWHILE, we get some interweaving scenes between sun-dappled-seven-years-ago, and now. Back then, Abby packs for her "camping" trip, which her Valerie Harperesque mother disapproves of, because she knows exactly what Abby's up to. In the present, Abby tells Trish that she was helped by going to talk to her mother's body before the funeral. Trish doesn't know if she can go through with that. In flashback, land, Valerie Harper extracts a promise from Abby that she'll be home by breakfast, and tacitly agrees to cover for her. Abby and Jimmy head off into the woods, chatting about the future, until a massive explosion from the docks rattles them.
MEANWHILE, the sheriff and Henry walk through the woods and talk about JD. Henry somewhat blames himself for the way that JD turned out, and we learn that Uncle Marty was JD's guardian after his and Henry's parents died. The two of them didn't get along well, as Uncle Marty was hardly the paternal type. The sheriff points out that plenty of people have had worse lives than JD and turned out fine.
MEANWHILE, Malcolm interrupts the gardener, who's trimming hedges with an electric chainsaw. This chainsaw was also seen earlier when Abby took the food to Trish. Why do I get the feeling we'll see it later, too? Malcolm snags the satchel from underneath his window, and dashes back to his room to transfer the money to a backpack. His bad luck continues, though, when Blond Tool and Danny barge in, Blond Tool demanding to know where Muffin is. Sure. You've seen two dead bodies in as many days, one of which was killed right before your eyes. You're hiding the fact that you've stolen thousands of dollars. One of your best friends has vanished. People are having their rooms searched by police. Naturally, the only thing you'd care about at a time like this is where your blow-up sex doll is. There's being a Tool, and there's just plain stupid. Assuming she's in the backpack, Blond Tool snags it and discovers the money. Malcolm swears he can explain.
MEANWHILE, Abby and Trish go to talk to Sinister Dad's body. The annoying coroner pulls Abby aside and needlessly reminds her that neither of them should look under the sheet. As Trish prepares to pour out her heart, we rejoin Abby and Jimmy in Flashback Land. They rush to the docks where Henry and the sheriff are attempting to administer first aid to Burnface McGee, who appears to be a deputy of some type. The sheriff sends Abby to report to her mother. In the present, Malcolm spills his guts. Not literally. Yet. He tells Danny and Blond Tool the whole story about Booth and the money. Danny socks him across the jaw. He announces that they have to tell the sheriff everything, and that there's no way they're leaving Booth in an unmarked grave on this island.
MEANWHILE, Henry tells the sheriff that back in the day, JD and some girl had a suicide pact. Henry came home in time to save JD, but not the girl. After that, he and Uncle Marty put JD into an institution, for which JD never forgave them. At the morgue, Trish finishes up, comes out to the lobby, and thanks Abby for taking an interest in her. She worries that her relationship with Henry will never be the same. Abby asks the coroner to take Trish back to the inn, because Abby needs to stop by her dad's place. The coroner doesn't think that's wise or safe, but Abby blows him off. In Flashback Land, Abby arrives home to find that the door has been forced, and her mother's coffee cup lies shattered on the ground. The sheriff calls in a panic, and orders her to lock all the doors and windows. In the present, Abby leaves the sheriff's house, where she's confronted by Burnface McGee. He tells her that JD is innocent, and that the sheriff is a liar who can't be trusted. He instructs her to ask her father about Wakefield's revenge against him.
MEANWHILE, in Flashback Land, Abby is ever the drama/danger queen, and disobeys her father to go wandering in the woods, looking for her mother. She witnesses Wakefield (I assume - we never see his face) murdering one of the locals with the head spade, and cries out. Wakefield comes after her, but is surprised by Jimmy in his truck. When Wakefield turns his attention to Jimmy, he roars off in the truck, and Abby uses the opportunity to escape. In the present, the police find JD, and after a brief chase, Henry tackles him on the docks. JD protests his innocence. After JD is locked up, Henry and the sheriff meet up with Abby, who confronts her father about what Burnface McGee said. The sheriff says that Wakefield wasn't after him, but Valerie Harper. Turns out that she and Wakefield dated when they were younger, and when Valerie Harper ran away, Wakefield tracked her for revenge. Oh, please don't tell me that Abby is going to turn out to be Wakefield's kid.
In Flashback Land, Abby pleads with her father not to be sent away. In his pain, he snaps that maybe Valerie Harper got what she deserved. In the present, he admits that when Wakefield first came after her, he sent his deputies, including Burnface McGee, to teach him a lesson. When Burnface McGee got hurt, the sheriff charged Wakefield with attempted murder, and put him away for a long time. Funny how that affects a man they already know is hell-bent on revenge. It made him even more so. The sheriff just thought it'd be easier to let Abby hate him than besmirch the memory of her mother.
MEANWHILE, Trish tells Shea that she's calling off the wedding for good, because she can't look at Henry without reliving Sinister Dad's death. Shea tries to tell her not to rush anything, but Trish has made up her mind. Madison is hanging around in some lobby somewhere. By herself, of course. Someone spots her through a window, and slips a note under the door. She reads it, and quickly exits. Malcolm goes down to the basement to throw the money into the incinerator. By himself, of course. Sigh. You wouldn't be able to pry me away from other people if I knew there was a murderer loose on the island. I'd be hanging out with the inn's employees all day. Malcolm has no such qualms, which is why it's ridiculously easy for the murderer to wait until the money is disposed of before disposing of Malcolm. He's chopped from behind, and in his screams and death throes, is only able to grasp the incinerator with his bloody hand, which can't feel great, either.
MEANWHILE, Abby goes to talk to Trish. She intimates that Trish shouldn't make any rash decisions about ending things with Henry, and hands Trish a picture of her and Henry when they were little kids. Trish softens. In Flashback Land, the sheriff puts Abby on the ferry to the mainland. Jimmy runs down to the dock yelling, but doesn't get there in time. In the present, Abby meets Jimmy at the dock, and apologizes for never contacting him during the seven years she was away. She also tells him that he saved her life that day in the woods with Wakefield, which he already knew. She leans in and kisses him, not caring that he's covered in fish guts.
MEANWHILE, Madison clutches the note she was given, and slowly walks to one of the inn's rooms. She calls for Richard as she enters the room, and the door is slammed behind her. I guess it's too much to ask that next week opens with the unfortunate news of her demise. I'm sorry! She gets on my nerves.
Next week on Harper's Island: DEATH!
Overall Grade: B-
Previously on Harper's Island: DEATH!
The sheriff arrives at the inn, which spurs talk amongst the wedding party about room searches and such. This freaks Malcolm out, because he still hasn't bothered to hide the ill-gotten money anyplace safer than under his bed. Shea and Madison sit in the dining room. Madison is a creepy brat some more. Shea looks like she's starting to catch the snap that her daughter's a psycho. Malcolm rushes upstairs to try and transfer the money from the satchel to his backpack, but he's interrupted by a knock at the door. Instead of asking who it is, he continues with his panic, and tosses the satchel of money out the window. He could have saved himself the trouble, because it's only Beth at the door, there to thank him for giving her a shoulder to blubber on.
MEANWHILE, Henry tries to talk to Trish. He says that while there's a charter boat coming later to take everyone back to Seattle, he can stay on the island until her dad's body is released. He also wants to know where their wedding stands now. Trish is too upset to offer any sort of opinion. Abby is met in the lobby by Jimmy, who's looking more like Milo Ventimiglia by the day. They both bemoan the fact that murder sprees always seem to get in the way of their budding romance. Yeah, poor you. We're catapulted into a flashback of seven years ago, when Harper's Island was some sort of sun-dappled paradise. Nikki and Abby giggle over the fact that Jimmy has invited Abby to go camping (the locals use camping as an excuse to bone each other). Abby figures if it ain't broke, don't fix it, and is all too willing to give it up. Jimmy overhears the last bit, and is all smiles. He and Abby make with the smooches.
MEANWHILE... Well, not meanwhile. Seven years later, the sheriff searches JD's room and finds some firecrackers. Henry comes in, and the sheriff snarks that Henry knew JD put the dead raccoon on the church altar, and didn't tell him. Wait, did Henry show the firecracker to the sheriff? I thought he hid it. Also, all the guests knew that JD had firecrackers. Why is it such a surprise now? ALSO, also, though the firecracker and the raccoon were found together, it doesn't automatically follow that JD is responsible for the animal carcass. We pass over all of that, and Henry just whines that he was trying to protect JD. Things get worse for the absent JD when the sheriff discovers the anti-depressant (or anti-psychotic) medication in the bathroom. Henry says that JD hasn't been taking his pills. Then the sheriff finds Uncle Marty's cell phone in JD's bag. That's enough evidence for him to assume for now that JD is the killer.
MEANWHILE, the inn staff takes down all the wedding decorations. Abby spots Henry trying to talk to a very unreceptive Trish. He comes over, and tells Abby about the cell phone, and that Trish must blame him for his brother being a psycho killer (in addition to being a depressive Froot Loop). He wanders off to convince the sheriff to let him come along on the search for JD. Abby takes a plate of food over to Trish, and they bond over their dead parents.
MEANWHILE, we get some interweaving scenes between sun-dappled-seven-years-ago, and now. Back then, Abby packs for her "camping" trip, which her Valerie Harperesque mother disapproves of, because she knows exactly what Abby's up to. In the present, Abby tells Trish that she was helped by going to talk to her mother's body before the funeral. Trish doesn't know if she can go through with that. In flashback, land, Valerie Harper extracts a promise from Abby that she'll be home by breakfast, and tacitly agrees to cover for her. Abby and Jimmy head off into the woods, chatting about the future, until a massive explosion from the docks rattles them.
MEANWHILE, the sheriff and Henry walk through the woods and talk about JD. Henry somewhat blames himself for the way that JD turned out, and we learn that Uncle Marty was JD's guardian after his and Henry's parents died. The two of them didn't get along well, as Uncle Marty was hardly the paternal type. The sheriff points out that plenty of people have had worse lives than JD and turned out fine.
MEANWHILE, Malcolm interrupts the gardener, who's trimming hedges with an electric chainsaw. This chainsaw was also seen earlier when Abby took the food to Trish. Why do I get the feeling we'll see it later, too? Malcolm snags the satchel from underneath his window, and dashes back to his room to transfer the money to a backpack. His bad luck continues, though, when Blond Tool and Danny barge in, Blond Tool demanding to know where Muffin is. Sure. You've seen two dead bodies in as many days, one of which was killed right before your eyes. You're hiding the fact that you've stolen thousands of dollars. One of your best friends has vanished. People are having their rooms searched by police. Naturally, the only thing you'd care about at a time like this is where your blow-up sex doll is. There's being a Tool, and there's just plain stupid. Assuming she's in the backpack, Blond Tool snags it and discovers the money. Malcolm swears he can explain.
MEANWHILE, Abby and Trish go to talk to Sinister Dad's body. The annoying coroner pulls Abby aside and needlessly reminds her that neither of them should look under the sheet. As Trish prepares to pour out her heart, we rejoin Abby and Jimmy in Flashback Land. They rush to the docks where Henry and the sheriff are attempting to administer first aid to Burnface McGee, who appears to be a deputy of some type. The sheriff sends Abby to report to her mother. In the present, Malcolm spills his guts. Not literally. Yet. He tells Danny and Blond Tool the whole story about Booth and the money. Danny socks him across the jaw. He announces that they have to tell the sheriff everything, and that there's no way they're leaving Booth in an unmarked grave on this island.
MEANWHILE, Henry tells the sheriff that back in the day, JD and some girl had a suicide pact. Henry came home in time to save JD, but not the girl. After that, he and Uncle Marty put JD into an institution, for which JD never forgave them. At the morgue, Trish finishes up, comes out to the lobby, and thanks Abby for taking an interest in her. She worries that her relationship with Henry will never be the same. Abby asks the coroner to take Trish back to the inn, because Abby needs to stop by her dad's place. The coroner doesn't think that's wise or safe, but Abby blows him off. In Flashback Land, Abby arrives home to find that the door has been forced, and her mother's coffee cup lies shattered on the ground. The sheriff calls in a panic, and orders her to lock all the doors and windows. In the present, Abby leaves the sheriff's house, where she's confronted by Burnface McGee. He tells her that JD is innocent, and that the sheriff is a liar who can't be trusted. He instructs her to ask her father about Wakefield's revenge against him.
MEANWHILE, in Flashback Land, Abby is ever the drama/danger queen, and disobeys her father to go wandering in the woods, looking for her mother. She witnesses Wakefield (I assume - we never see his face) murdering one of the locals with the head spade, and cries out. Wakefield comes after her, but is surprised by Jimmy in his truck. When Wakefield turns his attention to Jimmy, he roars off in the truck, and Abby uses the opportunity to escape. In the present, the police find JD, and after a brief chase, Henry tackles him on the docks. JD protests his innocence. After JD is locked up, Henry and the sheriff meet up with Abby, who confronts her father about what Burnface McGee said. The sheriff says that Wakefield wasn't after him, but Valerie Harper. Turns out that she and Wakefield dated when they were younger, and when Valerie Harper ran away, Wakefield tracked her for revenge. Oh, please don't tell me that Abby is going to turn out to be Wakefield's kid.
In Flashback Land, Abby pleads with her father not to be sent away. In his pain, he snaps that maybe Valerie Harper got what she deserved. In the present, he admits that when Wakefield first came after her, he sent his deputies, including Burnface McGee, to teach him a lesson. When Burnface McGee got hurt, the sheriff charged Wakefield with attempted murder, and put him away for a long time. Funny how that affects a man they already know is hell-bent on revenge. It made him even more so. The sheriff just thought it'd be easier to let Abby hate him than besmirch the memory of her mother.
MEANWHILE, Trish tells Shea that she's calling off the wedding for good, because she can't look at Henry without reliving Sinister Dad's death. Shea tries to tell her not to rush anything, but Trish has made up her mind. Madison is hanging around in some lobby somewhere. By herself, of course. Someone spots her through a window, and slips a note under the door. She reads it, and quickly exits. Malcolm goes down to the basement to throw the money into the incinerator. By himself, of course. Sigh. You wouldn't be able to pry me away from other people if I knew there was a murderer loose on the island. I'd be hanging out with the inn's employees all day. Malcolm has no such qualms, which is why it's ridiculously easy for the murderer to wait until the money is disposed of before disposing of Malcolm. He's chopped from behind, and in his screams and death throes, is only able to grasp the incinerator with his bloody hand, which can't feel great, either.
MEANWHILE, Abby goes to talk to Trish. She intimates that Trish shouldn't make any rash decisions about ending things with Henry, and hands Trish a picture of her and Henry when they were little kids. Trish softens. In Flashback Land, the sheriff puts Abby on the ferry to the mainland. Jimmy runs down to the dock yelling, but doesn't get there in time. In the present, Abby meets Jimmy at the dock, and apologizes for never contacting him during the seven years she was away. She also tells him that he saved her life that day in the woods with Wakefield, which he already knew. She leans in and kisses him, not caring that he's covered in fish guts.
MEANWHILE, Madison clutches the note she was given, and slowly walks to one of the inn's rooms. She calls for Richard as she enters the room, and the door is slammed behind her. I guess it's too much to ask that next week opens with the unfortunate news of her demise. I'm sorry! She gets on my nerves.
Next week on Harper's Island: DEATH!
Overall Grade: B-
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Into the Woods
Harper's Island - Season 1, Episode 6
Previously on Harper's Island: DEATH! IN FULL VIEW OF OTHER CHARACTERS!
Finally! Finally, the characters of Harper's Island can no longer wander around in blissful ignorance, planning scavenger hunts and going fishing. Everyone in the church freaks out over Sinister Dad being cleaved by the head spade, and with good reason. It's fairly gross. Hilariously, everyone is too busy with their own shock to worry about young Madison staring at her grandfather's bloody corpse until she starts emitting piercing screams. Richard takes his jacket off and puts it over Sinister Dad's face. The blood soon leaks through. The sheriff hears the commotion and busts into the church. Wait a minute. Two weeks ago -- that is to say, thirty seconds ago in the show's universe -- the sheriff was down by the water's edge, fishing out the reverend's body parts. I envy these characters' teleportation powers. He first rushes to Abby to make sure she's not hurt. Aw. Abby's in too much of a daze to explain what happened, but it's not too difficult to piece together. No pun intended. He asks the rest of the wedding party to step outside. Most are only too glad to get out of there, but Henry has to drag a hysterical Trish.
Katherine sits catatonic in a pew. The sheriff rouses her, and leads her outside, where everyone else continues to freak out. Who the hell is that old lady standing next to Abby? The sheriff asks a blood-spattered Maggie and Henry to get everyone back to the inn, and strongly recommends that everyone stick together; it's certainly not the time to be wandering off by themselves. Abby gets a call from an unknown caller, and when she answers, hears only "Ave Maria". It makes her more visibly upset than Sinister Dad's gruesome death. Madison spots JD hiding behind a nearby tree. He puts his finger to his lips, and she nods, content to keep his presence a secret.
Back at the inn, the groomsmen and Beth are having some stiff drinks, and discussing the situation with all the sensitivity and intelligence you'd expect. That is to say, not much. They agree that the wedding will have to be postponed (ya think?), and Blond Tool wants to leave the island immediately, because when a murder has been committed, the witnesses are free to take off whenever they'd like. MEANWHILE, the sheriff and deputy are processing the scene at the church. The annoying coroner shows up. They agree that the reverend was probably killed to give the murderer time to set up this convoluted booby trap, and that the modus operandi is very Wakefield-esque. The annoying coroner thinks the victim was randomly chosen, but the sheriff points out the notebook on the altar with a schematic of where everyone was standing. But that notebook hasn't been sitting around in the church; it's Maggie's. Very suspicious.
MEANWHILE, Shea brushes Madison's hair, which always makes Madison feel better. I'm thinking it may not do the trick this time. Henry tends to Trish, but is distracted by a knock at the door. It's Abby, stopping by to check on them, and Henry steps outside to confer with her. Trish glares at Richard and Katherine. Henry tells Abby he doesn't know what to do, and Abby tells him to just be there for Trish. Which he was doing before she interrupted. He lets her in on the fight he and JD had, and that JD said there was one more surprise for Henry. They fret over whether JD is capable of murder. I doubt that the guy whose big idea for getting attention is firecrackers would be able to set up the chandalier contraption.
MEANWHILE, Cal and Chloe are just returning from an ill-fated sailing excursion, during which they lost their wind and couldn't get back in time for the rehearsal. So, having now reached the mainland, they rush to the church to catch up with everyone. Hah! Just kidding, of course. No, the people who are monumentally late to the wedding rehearsal in which Chloe is supposed to be a member decide that there's plenty of time to stop by the local bar to call Trish. I guess so much time may have passed that they figure the rehearsal is over anyway, but then why not just go back to the inn? Oh, because then Cal wouldn't hear a story from Nikki about a local hick who found Cal's ring on the beach and proposed to his on-again-off-again girlfriend.
MEANWHILE, Abby returns to her room, where she discovers that JD has broken in. She's understandably frightened, but JD babbles that his surprise was a Roman candle in the Unity candle. He thinks the pseudo-theory that Wakefield is alive that Abby spouted when she was facing off with Shane could actually be true. He thinks he spotted Wakefield outside of the church, and discovered something else that he wants to show her. She's hesitant, but eventually agrees, because she's attracted to drama and danger like a mosquito to a bug zapper.
MEANWHILE, Richard tells Trish, Henry, Madison, Shea, and Katherine that the sheriff's on his way to talk to all of them. He gives a gung-ho "We're a family, let's stick together!" speech that makes Trish pop. She spills the affair he's having with Katherine to everyone else, just in time for the sheriff to overhear it. Whoopsie! The sheriff thinks starting the questioning with Richard would be expedient. Heh.
MEANWHILE, Cal tries to convince the hick that the ring is his. He's as successful as you'd expect. He walks back to Chloe, who can't get Trish on the phone, for obvious reasons. He relates the story of the lost ring, which gets Chloe first misted up with romance, then fired up to do battle with the hicks. Awesome. This reminds me of a roommate I had in college who we used to sic on utility companies when they tried to pull shit. She was an expert at completely demolishing them, and had the ironic name of Honey.
MEANWHILE, JD and Abby walk through the woods. So much for "stick together", I guess. Abby has the modicum of good sense to be troubled by the danger she's in, but not enough to not put herself into that danger. JD leads her to a tree, and pulls a knife. She's really scared now, but not so much that she, you know, puts up a fight or runs away or anything. Luckily for her, instead of stabbing her, JD directs her attention to the top of the tree, where a body is strung up. He moves to cut it down, which she doesn't want him to do for some unknown reason. He does it anyway, and the bottom half of Uncle Marty falls to the ground, followed a few seconds later by his top half. Yay, there is so much being resolved in this episode!
MEANWHILE, Trish apologizes to Shea for shattering her marriage in front of an audience. Shea had no idea Richard was cheating on her. That dispensed with, Trish must then admit that she told Sinister Dad about the affair earlier this morning, causing Shea fresh pain. She's especially pissed that Richard betrayed Sinister Dad, after all the generosity Sinister Dad bestowed upon him. In the other room, the sheriff is talking to Richard. Richard married Shea shortly after starting work for her family, and started sleeping with Katherine six weeks ago. He hated Sinister Dad, and slept with his wife in part to humiliate him, but swears he didn't murder him, claiming to have spent the day with Madison. The sheriff tries out a question about the Wakefield murders, but Richard doesn't know much about them.
MEANWHILE, Henry is wandering around the lawn by himself for no apparent reason. Seriously, that "stick together" direction was good advice, you nimrods. He runs into Abby, who must inform him of Uncle Marty's death. JD shows up, and Henry attacks. The two of them roll around the lawn, with Abby trying to break them up. She eventually pries them apart, and she and JD convince Henry that the killer is either Wakefield or a very good copycat.
MEANWHILE, Chloe approaches the dancing hicks, and pretends to have slept with the guy. Normally, I'd be annoyed by this pointless distraction of a plotline, but it's actually pretty amusing. Her ploy works. Girl Hick explodes with rage, and flings the ring across the bar, where Cal recovers it. He and Chloe dash out of the bar, Chloe giggling happily. Heh.
MEANWHILE, a few more loose ends are attended to, as Beth attempts to call Lucy. Malcolm joins her, and asks her if Lucy is in Seattle, hanging out with a guy. Beth says that that's what everyone's been saying, but can't confirm it. I think an inkling of truth might be seeping into the minds of the younger, stupider members of the wedding party. Malcolm perpetuates the lie that Booth is back with his family, and he and Beth huddle together in worry.
MEANWHILE, the sheriff plays War with Madison as he interviews her. Despite being in shock the last time we saw her, now she's all chatty and happy. Creepy brat. She tells the sheriff that she spent the day with Richard, swimming and playing ping pong. He seems satisfied, and steps outside. Madison asks Shea if she did well, telling her that she repeated everything Richard asked her to say. Shea turns to Trish, appalled.
MEANWHILE, Abby shows Henry and JD her father's Wall of Crazy. They determine that the sheriff has been tracking someone for a long time, whether it's Wakefield or a copycat. They find a stack of postcards accusing the sheriff of being a liar, though about what, they have no idea. They teleport back to the inn, where they tell the sheriff about Uncle Marty's body. They also confront him with a picture from his Wall of Crazy about Wakefield still being alive, which he denies. JD says that the only way to make sure is to dig up Wakefield's grave, which the sheriff can't endorse. He tosses JD into the hotel's walk-in cooler. JD snarks that the sheriff is just trying to look like a hero, and the sheriff retorts that it's an odd coincidence that JD wasn't present for Sinister Dad's death, that he discovered his uncle, and that he was the last person to see Kelly alive. Snap! He locks JD in the walk-in, and leaves, pausing only to tell Abby that he's getting her off the island tomorrow.
MEANWHILE, Trish goes to confront Katherine. She tells Katherine that Richard lied about his whereabouts earlier in the morning, and Katherine denies having been with him. So where has Richard been, hmmmmm? Henry and Abby reconvene, and decide to go ahead with JD's whole dig-up-Wakefield's-grave plan.
MEANWHILE, Cal and Chloe finally get back to the inn, where the other members of the wedding party fill them in on the fun they've missed. After they've absorbed the news, Chloe points out that the head spade that killed Sinister Dad has been missing from the maritime museum since the scavenger hunt. Danny comes in, and informs everyone that the sheriff said that nobody's allowed to leave until they've been questioned, like, DUH. They finally realize that they may be thought of as suspects, and not just witnesses. I'm going out on a limb, and predicting that no member of the wedding party was ever valedictorian.
MEANWHILE, the sheriff questions Katherine. She says that Richard used to fantasize about Sinister Dad dying, so he could take over the company, but that they were never serious threats, just jokes. Trish interrupts to insist Katherine show the sheriff articles that Katherine found. Um, why is Trish even there? I can understand her being present (along with Shea) for Madison's interview, but what business does she have here now? Katherine doesn't seem to mind, and shows the sheriff a bunch of newspapers she found in Richard's briefcase. They're the very articles about the Wakefield murders that Abby spotted when she was putting together her stupid scrapbook. Another loose end tied up! Also, it seems that Richard knows more about Wakefield than he admitted. Plus, he was the only one present when Trish almost drowned. It's looking bleaker and bleaker for him. The sheriff asks Katherine and Trish to keep this information to themselves.
MEANWHILE, JD passes the time by constructing a tower of canned vegetables. Madison lets him out of the walk-in, saying she snagged the key from Maggie's desk. She tells him people think Richard killed Sinister Dad, but it doesn't seem to upset her much, being a creepy brat and all. JD takes off, and Madison gleefully kicks over the vegetable tower.
MEANWHILE, Abby and Henry, instead of going directly to Wakefield's grave while it was still light out, have sensibly decided to dig it up in the dead of night. By themselves. After telling nobody where they'd be. Twits. Just as they reach the coffin, the sheriff shows up, looking for the missing JD. Abby apologizes, but says she needs to know the truth. The sheriff says he'll allow them to open the coffin, and when they do, they discover a skeleton grinning up at them. That seems to settle the issue, although we could also have just discovered where Lucy wound up. Abby and the sheriff discuss the issue while Henry does all the work of filling in the grave. The sheriff has suspected there has been a Wakefield copycat for years, but never imagined that he or she would come to this island. JD is still not cleared of suspicion. Abby also apologizes for going through her father's things, and the two of them make up over the fights and problems they've had since the original murder spree. The sheriff plans to send most of the guests home tomorrow, but tells Henry that he'll have to bring JD in. JD is hiding in the trees nearby, and overhears everything.
MEANWHILE, Cal and Chloe discuss their relationship. She hopes to become engaged, and promises to be less critical of Cal's overthinking everything. He promises he'll propose, but not on the same day Trish's dad was slaughtered. She's placated for the time being, and snuggles up to him to go to sleep. He stares intently into the middle distance.
MEANWHILE, Richard wanders around outside. Alone. "Stick together" just doesn't have the same weight it once did. He's on the phone with what sounds like his lawyer. He says that he hasn't been charged with anything, but doesn't want to make another move without the lawyer present. He's also worried about what Shea will do, now that she knows he's been cheating on her, and is royally pissed. He looks through the window at Madison, who's playing solitaire. He insists he's not interested in money, but wants to fight for "share...." That was probably going to be "shared custody", though I suppose it could have been "Cher tickets". I don't think shared custody is going to be much of a viable option, though, because before Richard can get the sentence out, he's speared with a harpoon. Eep. Madison looks up, and appears to see what's going on. Richard manages to groan her name before the harpoon is pulled back, and Richard is pulled somewhat comically off-screen. Madison actually didn't see any of this, but is simply looking at her reflection in the window.
MEANWHILE, JD runs through the woods to a cabin. He knocks on the door, and is admitted by Burnface McGee, looking like an even crazier Gary Busey.
Now, that was a satisfying episode. Figures that just as we get the real excitement rolling, I read that the show has been cancelled. Hopefully, that just means there won't be a Season 2, and they'll burn off the rest of Season 1 so we can at least get some closure.
Next week on Harper's Island: DEATH!
Overall Grade: A
Previously on Harper's Island: DEATH! IN FULL VIEW OF OTHER CHARACTERS!
Finally! Finally, the characters of Harper's Island can no longer wander around in blissful ignorance, planning scavenger hunts and going fishing. Everyone in the church freaks out over Sinister Dad being cleaved by the head spade, and with good reason. It's fairly gross. Hilariously, everyone is too busy with their own shock to worry about young Madison staring at her grandfather's bloody corpse until she starts emitting piercing screams. Richard takes his jacket off and puts it over Sinister Dad's face. The blood soon leaks through. The sheriff hears the commotion and busts into the church. Wait a minute. Two weeks ago -- that is to say, thirty seconds ago in the show's universe -- the sheriff was down by the water's edge, fishing out the reverend's body parts. I envy these characters' teleportation powers. He first rushes to Abby to make sure she's not hurt. Aw. Abby's in too much of a daze to explain what happened, but it's not too difficult to piece together. No pun intended. He asks the rest of the wedding party to step outside. Most are only too glad to get out of there, but Henry has to drag a hysterical Trish.
Katherine sits catatonic in a pew. The sheriff rouses her, and leads her outside, where everyone else continues to freak out. Who the hell is that old lady standing next to Abby? The sheriff asks a blood-spattered Maggie and Henry to get everyone back to the inn, and strongly recommends that everyone stick together; it's certainly not the time to be wandering off by themselves. Abby gets a call from an unknown caller, and when she answers, hears only "Ave Maria". It makes her more visibly upset than Sinister Dad's gruesome death. Madison spots JD hiding behind a nearby tree. He puts his finger to his lips, and she nods, content to keep his presence a secret.
Back at the inn, the groomsmen and Beth are having some stiff drinks, and discussing the situation with all the sensitivity and intelligence you'd expect. That is to say, not much. They agree that the wedding will have to be postponed (ya think?), and Blond Tool wants to leave the island immediately, because when a murder has been committed, the witnesses are free to take off whenever they'd like. MEANWHILE, the sheriff and deputy are processing the scene at the church. The annoying coroner shows up. They agree that the reverend was probably killed to give the murderer time to set up this convoluted booby trap, and that the modus operandi is very Wakefield-esque. The annoying coroner thinks the victim was randomly chosen, but the sheriff points out the notebook on the altar with a schematic of where everyone was standing. But that notebook hasn't been sitting around in the church; it's Maggie's. Very suspicious.
MEANWHILE, Shea brushes Madison's hair, which always makes Madison feel better. I'm thinking it may not do the trick this time. Henry tends to Trish, but is distracted by a knock at the door. It's Abby, stopping by to check on them, and Henry steps outside to confer with her. Trish glares at Richard and Katherine. Henry tells Abby he doesn't know what to do, and Abby tells him to just be there for Trish. Which he was doing before she interrupted. He lets her in on the fight he and JD had, and that JD said there was one more surprise for Henry. They fret over whether JD is capable of murder. I doubt that the guy whose big idea for getting attention is firecrackers would be able to set up the chandalier contraption.
MEANWHILE, Cal and Chloe are just returning from an ill-fated sailing excursion, during which they lost their wind and couldn't get back in time for the rehearsal. So, having now reached the mainland, they rush to the church to catch up with everyone. Hah! Just kidding, of course. No, the people who are monumentally late to the wedding rehearsal in which Chloe is supposed to be a member decide that there's plenty of time to stop by the local bar to call Trish. I guess so much time may have passed that they figure the rehearsal is over anyway, but then why not just go back to the inn? Oh, because then Cal wouldn't hear a story from Nikki about a local hick who found Cal's ring on the beach and proposed to his on-again-off-again girlfriend.
MEANWHILE, Abby returns to her room, where she discovers that JD has broken in. She's understandably frightened, but JD babbles that his surprise was a Roman candle in the Unity candle. He thinks the pseudo-theory that Wakefield is alive that Abby spouted when she was facing off with Shane could actually be true. He thinks he spotted Wakefield outside of the church, and discovered something else that he wants to show her. She's hesitant, but eventually agrees, because she's attracted to drama and danger like a mosquito to a bug zapper.
MEANWHILE, Richard tells Trish, Henry, Madison, Shea, and Katherine that the sheriff's on his way to talk to all of them. He gives a gung-ho "We're a family, let's stick together!" speech that makes Trish pop. She spills the affair he's having with Katherine to everyone else, just in time for the sheriff to overhear it. Whoopsie! The sheriff thinks starting the questioning with Richard would be expedient. Heh.
MEANWHILE, Cal tries to convince the hick that the ring is his. He's as successful as you'd expect. He walks back to Chloe, who can't get Trish on the phone, for obvious reasons. He relates the story of the lost ring, which gets Chloe first misted up with romance, then fired up to do battle with the hicks. Awesome. This reminds me of a roommate I had in college who we used to sic on utility companies when they tried to pull shit. She was an expert at completely demolishing them, and had the ironic name of Honey.
MEANWHILE, JD and Abby walk through the woods. So much for "stick together", I guess. Abby has the modicum of good sense to be troubled by the danger she's in, but not enough to not put herself into that danger. JD leads her to a tree, and pulls a knife. She's really scared now, but not so much that she, you know, puts up a fight or runs away or anything. Luckily for her, instead of stabbing her, JD directs her attention to the top of the tree, where a body is strung up. He moves to cut it down, which she doesn't want him to do for some unknown reason. He does it anyway, and the bottom half of Uncle Marty falls to the ground, followed a few seconds later by his top half. Yay, there is so much being resolved in this episode!
MEANWHILE, Trish apologizes to Shea for shattering her marriage in front of an audience. Shea had no idea Richard was cheating on her. That dispensed with, Trish must then admit that she told Sinister Dad about the affair earlier this morning, causing Shea fresh pain. She's especially pissed that Richard betrayed Sinister Dad, after all the generosity Sinister Dad bestowed upon him. In the other room, the sheriff is talking to Richard. Richard married Shea shortly after starting work for her family, and started sleeping with Katherine six weeks ago. He hated Sinister Dad, and slept with his wife in part to humiliate him, but swears he didn't murder him, claiming to have spent the day with Madison. The sheriff tries out a question about the Wakefield murders, but Richard doesn't know much about them.
MEANWHILE, Henry is wandering around the lawn by himself for no apparent reason. Seriously, that "stick together" direction was good advice, you nimrods. He runs into Abby, who must inform him of Uncle Marty's death. JD shows up, and Henry attacks. The two of them roll around the lawn, with Abby trying to break them up. She eventually pries them apart, and she and JD convince Henry that the killer is either Wakefield or a very good copycat.
MEANWHILE, Chloe approaches the dancing hicks, and pretends to have slept with the guy. Normally, I'd be annoyed by this pointless distraction of a plotline, but it's actually pretty amusing. Her ploy works. Girl Hick explodes with rage, and flings the ring across the bar, where Cal recovers it. He and Chloe dash out of the bar, Chloe giggling happily. Heh.
MEANWHILE, a few more loose ends are attended to, as Beth attempts to call Lucy. Malcolm joins her, and asks her if Lucy is in Seattle, hanging out with a guy. Beth says that that's what everyone's been saying, but can't confirm it. I think an inkling of truth might be seeping into the minds of the younger, stupider members of the wedding party. Malcolm perpetuates the lie that Booth is back with his family, and he and Beth huddle together in worry.
MEANWHILE, the sheriff plays War with Madison as he interviews her. Despite being in shock the last time we saw her, now she's all chatty and happy. Creepy brat. She tells the sheriff that she spent the day with Richard, swimming and playing ping pong. He seems satisfied, and steps outside. Madison asks Shea if she did well, telling her that she repeated everything Richard asked her to say. Shea turns to Trish, appalled.
MEANWHILE, Abby shows Henry and JD her father's Wall of Crazy. They determine that the sheriff has been tracking someone for a long time, whether it's Wakefield or a copycat. They find a stack of postcards accusing the sheriff of being a liar, though about what, they have no idea. They teleport back to the inn, where they tell the sheriff about Uncle Marty's body. They also confront him with a picture from his Wall of Crazy about Wakefield still being alive, which he denies. JD says that the only way to make sure is to dig up Wakefield's grave, which the sheriff can't endorse. He tosses JD into the hotel's walk-in cooler. JD snarks that the sheriff is just trying to look like a hero, and the sheriff retorts that it's an odd coincidence that JD wasn't present for Sinister Dad's death, that he discovered his uncle, and that he was the last person to see Kelly alive. Snap! He locks JD in the walk-in, and leaves, pausing only to tell Abby that he's getting her off the island tomorrow.
MEANWHILE, Trish goes to confront Katherine. She tells Katherine that Richard lied about his whereabouts earlier in the morning, and Katherine denies having been with him. So where has Richard been, hmmmmm? Henry and Abby reconvene, and decide to go ahead with JD's whole dig-up-Wakefield's-grave plan.
MEANWHILE, Cal and Chloe finally get back to the inn, where the other members of the wedding party fill them in on the fun they've missed. After they've absorbed the news, Chloe points out that the head spade that killed Sinister Dad has been missing from the maritime museum since the scavenger hunt. Danny comes in, and informs everyone that the sheriff said that nobody's allowed to leave until they've been questioned, like, DUH. They finally realize that they may be thought of as suspects, and not just witnesses. I'm going out on a limb, and predicting that no member of the wedding party was ever valedictorian.
MEANWHILE, the sheriff questions Katherine. She says that Richard used to fantasize about Sinister Dad dying, so he could take over the company, but that they were never serious threats, just jokes. Trish interrupts to insist Katherine show the sheriff articles that Katherine found. Um, why is Trish even there? I can understand her being present (along with Shea) for Madison's interview, but what business does she have here now? Katherine doesn't seem to mind, and shows the sheriff a bunch of newspapers she found in Richard's briefcase. They're the very articles about the Wakefield murders that Abby spotted when she was putting together her stupid scrapbook. Another loose end tied up! Also, it seems that Richard knows more about Wakefield than he admitted. Plus, he was the only one present when Trish almost drowned. It's looking bleaker and bleaker for him. The sheriff asks Katherine and Trish to keep this information to themselves.
MEANWHILE, JD passes the time by constructing a tower of canned vegetables. Madison lets him out of the walk-in, saying she snagged the key from Maggie's desk. She tells him people think Richard killed Sinister Dad, but it doesn't seem to upset her much, being a creepy brat and all. JD takes off, and Madison gleefully kicks over the vegetable tower.
MEANWHILE, Abby and Henry, instead of going directly to Wakefield's grave while it was still light out, have sensibly decided to dig it up in the dead of night. By themselves. After telling nobody where they'd be. Twits. Just as they reach the coffin, the sheriff shows up, looking for the missing JD. Abby apologizes, but says she needs to know the truth. The sheriff says he'll allow them to open the coffin, and when they do, they discover a skeleton grinning up at them. That seems to settle the issue, although we could also have just discovered where Lucy wound up. Abby and the sheriff discuss the issue while Henry does all the work of filling in the grave. The sheriff has suspected there has been a Wakefield copycat for years, but never imagined that he or she would come to this island. JD is still not cleared of suspicion. Abby also apologizes for going through her father's things, and the two of them make up over the fights and problems they've had since the original murder spree. The sheriff plans to send most of the guests home tomorrow, but tells Henry that he'll have to bring JD in. JD is hiding in the trees nearby, and overhears everything.
MEANWHILE, Cal and Chloe discuss their relationship. She hopes to become engaged, and promises to be less critical of Cal's overthinking everything. He promises he'll propose, but not on the same day Trish's dad was slaughtered. She's placated for the time being, and snuggles up to him to go to sleep. He stares intently into the middle distance.
MEANWHILE, Richard wanders around outside. Alone. "Stick together" just doesn't have the same weight it once did. He's on the phone with what sounds like his lawyer. He says that he hasn't been charged with anything, but doesn't want to make another move without the lawyer present. He's also worried about what Shea will do, now that she knows he's been cheating on her, and is royally pissed. He looks through the window at Madison, who's playing solitaire. He insists he's not interested in money, but wants to fight for "share...." That was probably going to be "shared custody", though I suppose it could have been "Cher tickets". I don't think shared custody is going to be much of a viable option, though, because before Richard can get the sentence out, he's speared with a harpoon. Eep. Madison looks up, and appears to see what's going on. Richard manages to groan her name before the harpoon is pulled back, and Richard is pulled somewhat comically off-screen. Madison actually didn't see any of this, but is simply looking at her reflection in the window.
MEANWHILE, JD runs through the woods to a cabin. He knocks on the door, and is admitted by Burnface McGee, looking like an even crazier Gary Busey.
Now, that was a satisfying episode. Figures that just as we get the real excitement rolling, I read that the show has been cancelled. Hopefully, that just means there won't be a Season 2, and they'll burn off the rest of Season 1 so we can at least get some closure.
Next week on Harper's Island: DEATH!
Overall Grade: A
Monday, May 11, 2009
Leave it to Cleaver
Harper's Island - Season 1, Episode 5
Previously on Harper's Island: DEATH! MAYBE!
The morning after her drunken evening followed by her almost drowning, Trish walks around in a meltdown on the inn's lawn. I can't decide whether I'm relieved or miffed that we didn't see Trish wake up in a meltdown, shower in a meltdown, get dressed in a meltdown, and wander outside in a meltdown. Henry finds her, and beseeches her to calm down and take some time for herself. She says there's far too much to do with the wedding, but Sinister Dad appears and convinces her to hang out with him for a while. MEANWHILE, Abby wakes up in her clothes at Jimmy's place. She wakes up in her clothes a lot. Did she even pack pajamas? There's a knock at the door, and it turns out to be her father, who has breakfast plans with Jimmy. There's a lot of awkward avoidance of whether Abby and Jimmy knocked boots last night or not. I get that they're not anxious to talk about it, but it'd have been nice to let us in on a little information.
MEANWHILE, Trish and her dad take a leisurely bike ride through the woods. They chat about how little quality time they spend together, until that conversation is thankfully interrupted by Lucy's purse dog, whom Trish spots out of the corner of her eye. There's some very odd conversation about how they thought Lucy had left the island. Wait, why do they think that? Did someone send another fake text message? Wouldn't it strike them as weird that Lucy would leave before the wedding without even talking to someone face-to-face? Is this just a clumsily inserted line of dialogue to cover the fact that it's ridiculous that nobody's wondered where Lucy is for two days?
They decide to follow the purse dog, and are in a fairly jolly mood. Well, they are until their bikes set off a trip wire that springs a giant log trap. This murderer must have loved The Goonies. The log swings lower than you'd think, and smashes the bikes at wheel-level, rather than at human-head-level. It's enough to send Trish and her Sinister Dad sprawling to the ground. They're knocked out for a while, and are a bit banged up -- Trish has come down with a case of Twisted Ankle Cliche -- but manage to pull themselves together. Trish's cell phone has been smashed to bits, and Sinister Dad helps her hobble back towards the inn, notably passing a "NO TRESPASSING" sign.
MEANWHILE, Madison approaches JD and asks why he has "pictures" all over him. She declares them creepy, and JD tells her she's the one who's creepy. YES! Thank you! Someone finally said it! The two of them hatch a plot to set off a bunch of fireworks for attention. So JD is heavily inked, does drugs, and sets off explosives for attention. That nasty case of Cliche that Trish has come down with seems to be catching. Maggie corners Henry with pointless questions about tablecloths and napkin rings until they're startled by the fireworks exploding at their feet. Henry is upset, though you'd think he'd be grateful to escape the tedium of niggling wedding details. Also, I refuse to believe that Trish wouldn't have selected all of that stuff before-hand. What? Nitpicking tiny little plot holes is fun! Try it sometime!
MEANWHILE, Malcolm has unsettling dreams about Booth's death. He awakens to find forest detritus by his bed, clothes on Booth's bed, and the shower running in his bathroom. He creeps into the bathroom and rips the curtain back to find...nobody. Weird. He's surprised by Token Black (hereafter known as Danny), who has come in to ask about breakfast. Danny wonders where Booth has gotten to. Malcolm acts suspicious, and kicks the satchel of money further under his bed. Good hiding place, dude. Nobody would ever think to look there.
MEANWHILE, Abby, Jimmy, and the sheriff have a leisurely breakfast, giggling over the fact that the sheriff hated Jimmy back when he was dating Abby. He tells Abby he's got some of her stuff and some of her late mother's back at the house, so if she has time, she's welcome to come over and go through it. She waffles.
MEANWHILE, the groomsmen decide to look for Booth. Malcolm plays along. Madison stops by JD's room to see if he's up for more mayhem (for someone claiming to have spirits as friends, you'd think the creepy brat could come up with something better than the floating-candy-bar-in-the-pool gag). He blows her off, but not before they bond over the fact that both of their families have issues.
MEANWHILE, Trish and Sinister Dad hobble through the woods. Since they're alone, and have got nothing but time, they finally have it out over the fact that Sinister Dad doesn't like Henry. Sinister Dad says it comes down to him not trusting Henry, so Trish spills the beans about Katherine and Richard having an affair, though she tactfully leaves out all the sadomasochistic sex parts.
MEANWHILE, Henry is still under Maggie's thumb concerning the wedding details. Abby stops by long enough to recap everything we just saw at breakfast, but runs away before she can get pulled into selecting salad forks. Smart girl. Maggie hasn't been able to contact the reverend about the wedding rehearsal(for obvious reasons), so Henry says he'll go down to the church and take care of it. He leaves a message for Trish, hoping she'll get back soon, but soon has a more pressing concern. He arrives at the church to find a raccoon carcass on the altar, split down the middle and crawling with bugs. Ew.
MEANWHILE, Sinister Dad is moping that the affair makes him feel like a cliche. Oh, no! This Cliche Disease is spreading faster than Swine Flu! Just as Sinister Dad is about to explain the complications of his relationship with Katherine, Trish spots a figure in the woods. It doesn't look like anyone we've met. They call to him, asking if they can use his phone, and his response is to sic his attack dog on them. They hobble away as fast as they can, and manage to take cover in an abandoned truck. They are having a terrible morning. I'm glad Trish isn't the superstitious type, or this wedding would be so off.
MEANWHILE, Henry has summoned the sheriff to the church. They've finally figured out that the reverend is missing (lots of mail stacked up and unanswered messages), so the sheriff sends the deputy to check his house while he and Henry attend to the raccoon carcass. Malcolm is also in the woods, swearing to Booth's grave that he'll give Booth's share of the money to his mother and that he won't let Booth take any blame for what's happened. Oh, I guess Booth really is dead. Never mind all of my jabbering last week. Abby is also out and about, stopping by the sheriff's house. She leaves him a message, and lets herself in. Henry tells the sheriff about the deer in the bathtub, and admits his suspicions of Shane. Shane couldn't have pulled the raccoon trick, though, because he's still locked up for that whole attempting-to-murder-JD thing. They have a heart-to-heart about JD's issues, and about how happy the sheriff is that Henry decided to have the wedding on Harper's Island, since it's given him the chance to reconnect with Abby. Henry says it'll just take some time for Abby to get over her bad memories, including the ones the sheriff gave her. Ouch. Henry attempts a graceful exit by going to get the box of trashbags by the altar, and discovers a spent firecracker. Rut roh!
MEANWHILE, Sinister Dad and Trish hope they've out-waited the attack dog, and attempt to leave the truck. Sinister Dad arms himself with a convenient broken bottle, and climbs out. The dog is waiting on the roof of the truck, and immediately attacks. Sinister Dad stabs it to death with the bottle.
MEANWHILE, Abby has been wending her way through her dad's house, looking at pictures of her mom (who looks so much like Valerie Harper, that it may as well be Valerie Harper), digging through boxes of fugly sweaters, and eventually, climbing up into the attic, where she discovers a genuine Wall of Crazy. It seems the sheriff is obsessed not only with the Wakefield murders, but other similar murder sprees. When she hears her father return home, she hightails it out of the attic, but jars a file cabinet open in her haste. She manages to get downstairs in time to meet her father, who apologizes for the way he treated her seven years ago. She's far too distracted by his Wall of Crazy to care, and leaves to go blab about the whole thing to Jimmy.
MEANWHILE, Sinister Dad and Trish are being far too blase about the day they've had. They agree to table the whole Katherine/Richard thing until after the wedding. The purse dog comes to take stock of the dead attack dog, as does the creepy guy from the woods. Half of his face is covered in burn scars.
MEANWHILE, the groomsmen contend with the possibility that either Booth stole the money, or that whoever killed the guy on the boat found Booth, too. It's about time they started giving actual weight to the whole dead-body-on-a-boat thing. Malcolm breaks his promise and pretends to consider that Booth took the money and went to his mother's house. They all agree to table the matter until after the wedding. There's a lot of tabling going around. Maybe it's a side-effect of the Cliche Disease.
MEANWHILE, Trish and Henry reunite. The sheriff finds the open file cabinet, but is interrupted by a phone call from the deputy, who has found the reverend's hearing aid. Henry goes to ask Madison where JD is. She creepily brats something about having "lots of friends" on the island, and lies that she hasn't seen JD all day. Creepy brat. Henry berates her into telling him where JD is, which turns out to be...JD's room. Did Henry not think to look there? What a dink. Henry tells JD that he got the message at the church. JD says he doesn't know what Henry's talking about, which I believe. Too easy. Henry doesn't buy it, and tells JD that the two of them are finished, and he doesn't want to see JD again. JD doesn't have much of a problem with that, and smiles that he's got one more surprise for Henry that he thinks he'll really like. Yeeks.
MEANWHILE, the sheriff and deputy follow some tracks from the site of the hearing aid. Back at the Church of Awkwardness, Katherine is telling Sinister Dad she wishes they'd had a big church wedding (*wince*), the groomsmen are concocting a story to cover for the missing Booth (*wince*), and Blond Tool admits to Henry that he once tried to score with Trish, but got shot down (*wince*). Everyone else arrives, and Maggie takes over rehearsal duties for the reverend. The sheriff finds a line that leads into the water. At the Church of Awkwardness, people finally notice that others are missing. Lucy is still expected tomorrow (??), but the news of Booth's "family emergency" and Chloe's non-appearance are puzzling (*wince*). I guess they just didn't want to pay the actress who plays Chloe for sixty seconds of screentime this week. Shea talks to Trish about how happy her wedding day was (*wince*). Henry assures her that their relationship will be different than Shea and Richard's. One would hope. Leather whips and creepy children are expensive.
MEANWHILE, the sheriff begins tugging at the line. I clutch LabRat's arm, fully expecting something grosser to pop out of the water than the catfish the deputy suggests. The rehearsal begins. Madison comes down the aisle. At the back, Sinister Dad wishes Trish every happiness. Aw, he's gotten over his dislike of Henry! How nice of him to redeem himself before... Well...
The sheriff tugs the line. The wedding party assembles at the altar. Maggie summons Abby forward at the point where she'd do her Bible reading. Abby walks right in between Trish and Henry, which there's no way someone would do at a wedding. I'll let it go at the rehearsal. And speaking of letting things go...
The sheriff tugs the line. Body parts begin to emerge from the water. Maggie calls for Sinister Dad to approach and light the Unity candle. The sheriff pulls the reverend's head out of the water, complete with a fish-hook through the eye. Bleh. He attempts to call Abby (why she'd be first on the list is a mystery), but she turns her phone off in deference to the wedding rehearsal. Maggie asks for someone to turn off the lights. Since when do you hit the lights for the Unity candle? And speaking of hitting...
Abby runs to the back of the church to get the light switch. When she flips the switch, some gears begin to grind. We get a good look at the sharpened spade in the center of the chandelier hanging over the altar. So does Sinister Dad. Right before it splits him in the forehead.
Next week on Harper's Island: DEATH! THAT THE CHARACTERS ACTUALLY KNOW ABOUT!
Overall Grade: B
Previously on Harper's Island: DEATH! MAYBE!
The morning after her drunken evening followed by her almost drowning, Trish walks around in a meltdown on the inn's lawn. I can't decide whether I'm relieved or miffed that we didn't see Trish wake up in a meltdown, shower in a meltdown, get dressed in a meltdown, and wander outside in a meltdown. Henry finds her, and beseeches her to calm down and take some time for herself. She says there's far too much to do with the wedding, but Sinister Dad appears and convinces her to hang out with him for a while. MEANWHILE, Abby wakes up in her clothes at Jimmy's place. She wakes up in her clothes a lot. Did she even pack pajamas? There's a knock at the door, and it turns out to be her father, who has breakfast plans with Jimmy. There's a lot of awkward avoidance of whether Abby and Jimmy knocked boots last night or not. I get that they're not anxious to talk about it, but it'd have been nice to let us in on a little information.
MEANWHILE, Trish and her dad take a leisurely bike ride through the woods. They chat about how little quality time they spend together, until that conversation is thankfully interrupted by Lucy's purse dog, whom Trish spots out of the corner of her eye. There's some very odd conversation about how they thought Lucy had left the island. Wait, why do they think that? Did someone send another fake text message? Wouldn't it strike them as weird that Lucy would leave before the wedding without even talking to someone face-to-face? Is this just a clumsily inserted line of dialogue to cover the fact that it's ridiculous that nobody's wondered where Lucy is for two days?
They decide to follow the purse dog, and are in a fairly jolly mood. Well, they are until their bikes set off a trip wire that springs a giant log trap. This murderer must have loved The Goonies. The log swings lower than you'd think, and smashes the bikes at wheel-level, rather than at human-head-level. It's enough to send Trish and her Sinister Dad sprawling to the ground. They're knocked out for a while, and are a bit banged up -- Trish has come down with a case of Twisted Ankle Cliche -- but manage to pull themselves together. Trish's cell phone has been smashed to bits, and Sinister Dad helps her hobble back towards the inn, notably passing a "NO TRESPASSING" sign.
MEANWHILE, Madison approaches JD and asks why he has "pictures" all over him. She declares them creepy, and JD tells her she's the one who's creepy. YES! Thank you! Someone finally said it! The two of them hatch a plot to set off a bunch of fireworks for attention. So JD is heavily inked, does drugs, and sets off explosives for attention. That nasty case of Cliche that Trish has come down with seems to be catching. Maggie corners Henry with pointless questions about tablecloths and napkin rings until they're startled by the fireworks exploding at their feet. Henry is upset, though you'd think he'd be grateful to escape the tedium of niggling wedding details. Also, I refuse to believe that Trish wouldn't have selected all of that stuff before-hand. What? Nitpicking tiny little plot holes is fun! Try it sometime!
MEANWHILE, Malcolm has unsettling dreams about Booth's death. He awakens to find forest detritus by his bed, clothes on Booth's bed, and the shower running in his bathroom. He creeps into the bathroom and rips the curtain back to find...nobody. Weird. He's surprised by Token Black (hereafter known as Danny), who has come in to ask about breakfast. Danny wonders where Booth has gotten to. Malcolm acts suspicious, and kicks the satchel of money further under his bed. Good hiding place, dude. Nobody would ever think to look there.
MEANWHILE, Abby, Jimmy, and the sheriff have a leisurely breakfast, giggling over the fact that the sheriff hated Jimmy back when he was dating Abby. He tells Abby he's got some of her stuff and some of her late mother's back at the house, so if she has time, she's welcome to come over and go through it. She waffles.
MEANWHILE, the groomsmen decide to look for Booth. Malcolm plays along. Madison stops by JD's room to see if he's up for more mayhem (for someone claiming to have spirits as friends, you'd think the creepy brat could come up with something better than the floating-candy-bar-in-the-pool gag). He blows her off, but not before they bond over the fact that both of their families have issues.
MEANWHILE, Trish and Sinister Dad hobble through the woods. Since they're alone, and have got nothing but time, they finally have it out over the fact that Sinister Dad doesn't like Henry. Sinister Dad says it comes down to him not trusting Henry, so Trish spills the beans about Katherine and Richard having an affair, though she tactfully leaves out all the sadomasochistic sex parts.
MEANWHILE, Henry is still under Maggie's thumb concerning the wedding details. Abby stops by long enough to recap everything we just saw at breakfast, but runs away before she can get pulled into selecting salad forks. Smart girl. Maggie hasn't been able to contact the reverend about the wedding rehearsal(for obvious reasons), so Henry says he'll go down to the church and take care of it. He leaves a message for Trish, hoping she'll get back soon, but soon has a more pressing concern. He arrives at the church to find a raccoon carcass on the altar, split down the middle and crawling with bugs. Ew.
MEANWHILE, Sinister Dad is moping that the affair makes him feel like a cliche. Oh, no! This Cliche Disease is spreading faster than Swine Flu! Just as Sinister Dad is about to explain the complications of his relationship with Katherine, Trish spots a figure in the woods. It doesn't look like anyone we've met. They call to him, asking if they can use his phone, and his response is to sic his attack dog on them. They hobble away as fast as they can, and manage to take cover in an abandoned truck. They are having a terrible morning. I'm glad Trish isn't the superstitious type, or this wedding would be so off.
MEANWHILE, Henry has summoned the sheriff to the church. They've finally figured out that the reverend is missing (lots of mail stacked up and unanswered messages), so the sheriff sends the deputy to check his house while he and Henry attend to the raccoon carcass. Malcolm is also in the woods, swearing to Booth's grave that he'll give Booth's share of the money to his mother and that he won't let Booth take any blame for what's happened. Oh, I guess Booth really is dead. Never mind all of my jabbering last week. Abby is also out and about, stopping by the sheriff's house. She leaves him a message, and lets herself in. Henry tells the sheriff about the deer in the bathtub, and admits his suspicions of Shane. Shane couldn't have pulled the raccoon trick, though, because he's still locked up for that whole attempting-to-murder-JD thing. They have a heart-to-heart about JD's issues, and about how happy the sheriff is that Henry decided to have the wedding on Harper's Island, since it's given him the chance to reconnect with Abby. Henry says it'll just take some time for Abby to get over her bad memories, including the ones the sheriff gave her. Ouch. Henry attempts a graceful exit by going to get the box of trashbags by the altar, and discovers a spent firecracker. Rut roh!
MEANWHILE, Sinister Dad and Trish hope they've out-waited the attack dog, and attempt to leave the truck. Sinister Dad arms himself with a convenient broken bottle, and climbs out. The dog is waiting on the roof of the truck, and immediately attacks. Sinister Dad stabs it to death with the bottle.
MEANWHILE, Abby has been wending her way through her dad's house, looking at pictures of her mom (who looks so much like Valerie Harper, that it may as well be Valerie Harper), digging through boxes of fugly sweaters, and eventually, climbing up into the attic, where she discovers a genuine Wall of Crazy. It seems the sheriff is obsessed not only with the Wakefield murders, but other similar murder sprees. When she hears her father return home, she hightails it out of the attic, but jars a file cabinet open in her haste. She manages to get downstairs in time to meet her father, who apologizes for the way he treated her seven years ago. She's far too distracted by his Wall of Crazy to care, and leaves to go blab about the whole thing to Jimmy.
MEANWHILE, Sinister Dad and Trish are being far too blase about the day they've had. They agree to table the whole Katherine/Richard thing until after the wedding. The purse dog comes to take stock of the dead attack dog, as does the creepy guy from the woods. Half of his face is covered in burn scars.
MEANWHILE, the groomsmen contend with the possibility that either Booth stole the money, or that whoever killed the guy on the boat found Booth, too. It's about time they started giving actual weight to the whole dead-body-on-a-boat thing. Malcolm breaks his promise and pretends to consider that Booth took the money and went to his mother's house. They all agree to table the matter until after the wedding. There's a lot of tabling going around. Maybe it's a side-effect of the Cliche Disease.
MEANWHILE, Trish and Henry reunite. The sheriff finds the open file cabinet, but is interrupted by a phone call from the deputy, who has found the reverend's hearing aid. Henry goes to ask Madison where JD is. She creepily brats something about having "lots of friends" on the island, and lies that she hasn't seen JD all day. Creepy brat. Henry berates her into telling him where JD is, which turns out to be...JD's room. Did Henry not think to look there? What a dink. Henry tells JD that he got the message at the church. JD says he doesn't know what Henry's talking about, which I believe. Too easy. Henry doesn't buy it, and tells JD that the two of them are finished, and he doesn't want to see JD again. JD doesn't have much of a problem with that, and smiles that he's got one more surprise for Henry that he thinks he'll really like. Yeeks.
MEANWHILE, the sheriff and deputy follow some tracks from the site of the hearing aid. Back at the Church of Awkwardness, Katherine is telling Sinister Dad she wishes they'd had a big church wedding (*wince*), the groomsmen are concocting a story to cover for the missing Booth (*wince*), and Blond Tool admits to Henry that he once tried to score with Trish, but got shot down (*wince*). Everyone else arrives, and Maggie takes over rehearsal duties for the reverend. The sheriff finds a line that leads into the water. At the Church of Awkwardness, people finally notice that others are missing. Lucy is still expected tomorrow (??), but the news of Booth's "family emergency" and Chloe's non-appearance are puzzling (*wince*). I guess they just didn't want to pay the actress who plays Chloe for sixty seconds of screentime this week. Shea talks to Trish about how happy her wedding day was (*wince*). Henry assures her that their relationship will be different than Shea and Richard's. One would hope. Leather whips and creepy children are expensive.
MEANWHILE, the sheriff begins tugging at the line. I clutch LabRat's arm, fully expecting something grosser to pop out of the water than the catfish the deputy suggests. The rehearsal begins. Madison comes down the aisle. At the back, Sinister Dad wishes Trish every happiness. Aw, he's gotten over his dislike of Henry! How nice of him to redeem himself before... Well...
The sheriff tugs the line. The wedding party assembles at the altar. Maggie summons Abby forward at the point where she'd do her Bible reading. Abby walks right in between Trish and Henry, which there's no way someone would do at a wedding. I'll let it go at the rehearsal. And speaking of letting things go...
The sheriff tugs the line. Body parts begin to emerge from the water. Maggie calls for Sinister Dad to approach and light the Unity candle. The sheriff pulls the reverend's head out of the water, complete with a fish-hook through the eye. Bleh. He attempts to call Abby (why she'd be first on the list is a mystery), but she turns her phone off in deference to the wedding rehearsal. Maggie asks for someone to turn off the lights. Since when do you hit the lights for the Unity candle? And speaking of hitting...
Abby runs to the back of the church to get the light switch. When she flips the switch, some gears begin to grind. We get a good look at the sharpened spade in the center of the chandelier hanging over the altar. So does Sinister Dad. Right before it splits him in the forehead.
Next week on Harper's Island: DEATH! THAT THE CHARACTERS ACTUALLY KNOW ABOUT!
Overall Grade: B
Sunday, May 03, 2009
Shot in the Dark
Harper's Island - Season 1, Episode 4
Previously on Harper's Island: DEATH! Not to mention, a move to a DEATHLY timeslot on Saturdays.
Shea and Madison approach a psychic who's setting up to entertain the ladies at Trish's bachelorette party. Madison, who never passes up an opportunity to be a creepy brat, gets the job done. Shea slips the psychic a list of names and birthdays for horoscopal purposes. I can't wait to trademark "horoscopal". Madison hovers over the creepy cards in the deck, fortunately skipping over the cliche "Death" and heading straight for "The Tower". Well played, show. They talk about spirits and death and blah blah blah.
MEANWHILE, Abby is at the bar again, getting a recipe from Nikki to paste into a scrapbook as a wedding present. Thanks a lot, cheapskate. You make enough money to subsist as a writer in Los Angeles and you can't get an actual wedding present? No wonder a serial killer is after you. Jimmy enters, and flirts with Abby via the time-tested method of joking about how he has an STD. Hot.
MEANWHILE, Henry is somehow surprised to find Trish naked (save her diamond earrings, of course), even though the two of them have been having sex like clockwork since they arrived on the island. I mean, it's nice to see two people in love, but come up for air, guys. Some banter is exchanged about Henry's bachelor party, and then they have sex again. Enjoy it while you can! Bodies have to start surfacing at some point, and I doubt that'll put anyone but Chloe in a romantic mood.
MEANWHILE, Shea and Madison take their leave of the psychic, and Madison is yet again a creepy brat, prattling on about spirits and cradling the stolen Tower card in her hands. How is the psychic supposed to tell accurate fortunes now, brat? I suppose that's the last thing on the psychic's mind, because as she scans the list of female guests, she sees Abby's name, and immediately begins to drip blood from her nose. Funny how she didn't have a psychic reaction to Lucy, whose charred corpse is rotting in a pit somewhere.
MEANWHILE, Jimmy has a heart-to-heart with Abby, apologizing on behalf of Shane, expressing sympathy over Kelly's death, and hoping that Abby can still have a good time while she's on the island. Abby's hot for Jimmy, so she's more receptive to the whole "Woo! Fun on the island!" idea than a normal person would be after Kelly's murder and nearly getting filleted in Shane's shack.
MEANWHILE, Blond Tool describes his ideas for Henry's bachelor party to Token Black and Nerd (hereafter known as Booth). He says he's found a stripper for later, but she's a townie, so he hopes she'll have some actual teeth in her head. Henry shows up, and discovers that the guys have also planned to take him fishing, which he loves. This destination wedding is getting lamer by the second. Come, spend a week with us! We'll offer skeet-shooting and fishing! I think I'd rather save the vacation days. And hey, as an added bonus, I wouldn't be murdered! Blond Tool whips out the additional guest invited to the fishing party: An inflatable doll named Muffin. I guess if the stripper isn't hot, it's nice to have a Plan B. Malcolm (the other groomsman, who was awesome in that one episode of Dead Like Me, and will thus have brownie points with me forever) is inside, pitching his idea for a beer company to Sinister Dad and Richard. He asks for $100,000 in start-up costs to get the suds flowing.
MEANWHILE, Shea surprises Trish by unpacking their dead mother's tea set, and the two of them get to bonding over how they'll have a nice tea party as part of the bachelorette activities. Madison, who can spoil a moment like no other child, creepily brats her way into shattering one of the teacups. She insists she didn't do it. That will probably turn out to be true in some dumb, it-was-the-spirits kind of way. And yet... Shut the fuck up, Madison.
MEANWHILE, the groomsmen and Muffin are out fishing. Malcolm is depressed, because Richard vetoed the idea to loan him start-up money. Token Black spots some gulls hanging out at a certain patch of water, which signals lot of fish, so they head over. I'm skipping yet another Abby/Jimmy flirt scene. Consider their flirting understood now. They need to have sex or get in a fight or be murdered because this storyline is getting milked more than the Octomom. Henry gets a bite in the new fishing spot, and though I was convinced they were going to bring up Cousin Ben's head, it's actually a big ol' fish. For some odd reason, Blond Tool reacts as if it were Cousin Ben's head. He freaks out and jumps into the water, using Muffin as a flotation device. Handy. That pointlessness dealt with, the groomsmen spot Hunter's boat. And then, the weirdness, in which none of these people act like actual people would in real life.
They see the large spatters of blood first, so Booth horks over the side of the boat, as this is naturally the role of the Hypochondriac Nerd. Then, Malcolm sees the body and the satchel full of money. That's enough to lure him onto the other boat, where he reaches into the satchel and picks up the gun. Seriously, people. You come across a grisly death scene and intentionally spread your fingerprints all over a weapon there? He wants to swipe the money, and all anyone can think about is whether to take the money or report the crime. At not one single point do they wonder who the dead body is. I'm going to be extremely generous, and assume that the gun blast rendered Hunter unrecognizable, because otherwise, this is asinine. Still, they should at least be curious about who it is and what happened here. Henry moves to call the harbor-master, and Malcolm shoots a hole in the bottom of Hunter's boat, which causes Henry to change his mind and allow Malcolm to take the money instead. Huh? Huh?!?!
MEANWHILE, Trish approaches Sinister Dad and Madison, who are playing cards, and are no doubt having a rousing conversation about how to be as off-putting as possible. She wonders where Cougar Stepmom (hereafter known as Katherine) has wandered off to. Madison thinks she may be by the pool, which leads Trish to walk to the...basement? Wine cellar? I don't know, but it's certainly not a swimming pool. She hears a female voice whimpering, and follows it until she sees Katherine chained to the ceiling. She panics for a second until it becomes clear that this is more sadomasochistic sex between Katherine and Richard. Rut roh! Trish runs off. Hey, how did Richard and Katherine know that there was chain-people-to-the-ceiling equipment in the basement? Was it in the brochure?
MEANWHILE, I'm skipping yet another Jimmy/Abby flirt scene. Let's rejoin the groomsmen, who run into Cal on their way back into the inn. He babbles a bit about how much about fish he knows, and is clearly feeling a bit left out of the festivities. The groomsmen, understandably nervous, blow him off and head to the privacy of a room, where they dump their fish in the bathtub. Geez, these bathtubs are seeing a lot of non-bath action. I hope they're well-cleaned after all these people are dead. The groomsmen stare at the pile of money, a lot of which is extremely bloody. Good luck spending that. "Oh, this? Cut myself shaving. In the jugular vein." It adds up to $250,000, which works out to $50,000 per groomsman, assuming they don't turn the money in. Malcolm pulls Henry aside to basically beg for his share, saying he's completely broke. Henry promises to think about it. In fact, all of the groomsmen, rather than doing anything an actual person would do (take the money and hide it, turn it in, fight about what to do, etc.), decide to just table the matter and go enjoy the bachelor party. No, really. "Let's leave this bloody pile of cash behind and go have some beer!" HUH?!?!
MEANWHILE, Abby stops by the local paper to pick up a copy of an article about Henry catching a fish to paste in her lame scrapbook. At first, I was surprised that Harper's Island, which is apparently about the size of koi pond, needs its own local paper, but then I remembered that people are murdered regularly here, so it's probably necessary to keep abreast of everything. While she waits for her article, Abby sees a stack of articles about John Wakefield on the counter. The girl working there says that somebody requested all the information the paper had about him, but she isn't sure who. Abby takes her article and wanders out in a daze, almost getting run over by the psychic. She drops her lame scrapbook into a puddle, and it's pretty much ruined.
MEANWHILE, Trish runs to Henry and blubbers "Katherine and Richard..." before pulling him into a comforting hug. If I were Henry, I'd be like "Katherine and Richard what? Want to talk to me? Are hurt? Got into an argument? Are having sadomasochistic sex in the basement?" Henry, as with the bloody money, is completely disinterested, and content to just stand there and hug her. The ladies then gather for some bachelorette activity. Nobody gives a solitary thought to where Lucy might be. Not a one. Are there any humans on this island? Will the twist be that this is all an imaginary play in Madison's mind or some shit? Act like people! Katherine hands out pink hoodies with "Henry and Trish" embroidered on them, saying she had black ones made for the guys. Katherine has been watching too much Grease. The perky lady we see for all of three seconds in every episode (hereafter known as Maggie), interrupts Trish's pouting to pull her and Shea into the adjoining room, where they discover that someone has completely destroyed the rest of their mother's tea set. Aw. Shea is no fool, and immediately asks where Madison is. Yeah, no kidding, lady. Abby, still wearing her Pink Lady jacket, says she'll look for her, and soon finds her sitting with some of the smashed china, being her usual creepy, bratty self. She says that the spirits told her she's not going to get to be a flower girl. Unfortunately, we cut to commercial before someone can slap the shit out of her and send her to her room.
MEANWHILE, the groomsmen are finally realizing that whoops, they've tampered with a crime scene and taken a bunch of money that probably belongs to some unsavory characters. Welcome to Duuuuuuuuuuuuuhsville, gentlemen. And yet, they still manage to make dumb jokes about prison sex. When two burly guys with guns come into the bar, the groomsmen panic and dash out to the patio for a conference. Funny, my first thought on seeing the two burly guys was "Yum." But then, I haven't stolen anything from them. Henry and the groomsmen decide to hide the money until they figure out how to turn it in without being killed or arrested. Helpful thoughts to have. Two hours ago. They draw straws to determine who has to hide the cash, and after a stupid false start thanks to Blond Tool, it winds up being Booth.
MEANWHILE, the psychic is telling Trish's fortune. Trish is trashed, because every time someone says "Henry", they have to drink. Putting aside the fact that the fortunes would be off thanks to a missing card, Madison, the psychic tells Trish that she is going to be betrayed. Trish makes a veiled dig at Katherine, but the psychic intimates that the betrayer will be male, and oddly enough, also be Trish's savior.
MEANWHILE, as Booth wanders through the woods, because God forbid he hide the money in the inn itself, the guys (and Muffin) hang out at the local bar. They're there enough to have their names engraved on the stools. Blond Tool and Token Black chat about Malcolm, and how he's now calm enough to put aside his feelings about the money, and will soon join them to help Henry enjoy his party. Are you panicked or are you in party mode, freaks? Pick a mode, because you can't be in both. Cal dances dorkily by the jukebox. Richard mopes alone at a table. Henry approaches him, and tells him that Trish spilled the beans about the sadomasochistic sex in the basement. Richard is undisturbed, daring Henry to tell on him. It looks like he knows something we don't. Ooh, maybe he's being pimped out!
MEANWHILE, it's Abby's turn with the psychic. She hands over her mother's necklace, and Trish mists over about her own dead mother. Still no mention of Lucy, by the way. The psychic takes Abby's necklace, promptly freaks out, and flees the room. Trish takes this as an opportunity to get drunker. And speaking of drunk, Blond Tool is hanging over Henry talking about what a great day it's been. Yeah, awesome, what with the blood and gunshots and all. The two burly guys enter, looking for Blond Tool. Blond Tool pawns them off on Henry. I can see why he's best man; he's such a caring friend. The two burly guys ask Henry about the money. Not THE money. The money for the stripper. Because they're bouncers. Why the stripper can't collect her own money is beyond me. I guess because then we wouldn't have had scary guys with guns to suspect of shady dealings. We've already got those, and they're in the wedding party.
MEANWHILE, and speaking of which, Booth wanders through the woods. He hears someone approaching, and pulls the gun. It turns out to be Malcolm, who is "watching his back". Watching the greenback, is more like it. Booth lowers the gun in relief, and...accidentally shoots himself in the leg. This is why you don't give firearms to hypochondriac nerds. Actually, it isn't clear that that's what just happened. Someone could have shot him from the woods. He's in shock, and isn't even in pain, but is losing a lot of blood. That's another odd thing. That shit would hurt. Malcolm wants to run and get help, but Booth doesn't want to be left alone. Malcolm cradles him as blood spurts out of his leg.
MEANWHILE, the stripper strips. It turns out that Henry knew her when she was little. That's a fascinating story. After her pseudo-naughty-because-this-is-network-TV dance, she flirts with Cal, which makes Blond Tool jealous. Malcolm enters, and though he is visibly upset, lies about having seen Booth. Curious. Oh, and elsewhere, the psychic is accosting Abby and telling her to get her ass off the island, tout de suite. So Abby goes over to Jimmy's place for a nice hug. Yeah, that makes everything better.
MEANWHILE, Malcolm is back at the inn. He's got the satchel of money, but is a good enough guy to at least be sad about his dead friend, whose body is still lying in the woods, for all we know. I'm not sensing a long lifespan for Malcolm. Too bad. Chris Gauthier is a good actor. And what the hell is up with Booth, anyway? Is he dead or alive? Who shot him, if anyone? Could this be a fakeout? Nobody suspects the hypochondriac nerd, after all.
MEANWHILE, a drunken Trish spots Muffin floating in the pool, and falls in trying to pull her out. Alcohol and night swimming - it's a winning combination! She enjoys the refreshing water, until she notices that the automatic cover is closing. She nearly drowns, but is rescued at the last moment by Richard, who is able to revive her with CPR. One could almost call him her savior, no?
Next week on Harper's Island: DEATH!
Overall Grade: B-
Previously on Harper's Island: DEATH! Not to mention, a move to a DEATHLY timeslot on Saturdays.
Shea and Madison approach a psychic who's setting up to entertain the ladies at Trish's bachelorette party. Madison, who never passes up an opportunity to be a creepy brat, gets the job done. Shea slips the psychic a list of names and birthdays for horoscopal purposes. I can't wait to trademark "horoscopal". Madison hovers over the creepy cards in the deck, fortunately skipping over the cliche "Death" and heading straight for "The Tower". Well played, show. They talk about spirits and death and blah blah blah.
MEANWHILE, Abby is at the bar again, getting a recipe from Nikki to paste into a scrapbook as a wedding present. Thanks a lot, cheapskate. You make enough money to subsist as a writer in Los Angeles and you can't get an actual wedding present? No wonder a serial killer is after you. Jimmy enters, and flirts with Abby via the time-tested method of joking about how he has an STD. Hot.
MEANWHILE, Henry is somehow surprised to find Trish naked (save her diamond earrings, of course), even though the two of them have been having sex like clockwork since they arrived on the island. I mean, it's nice to see two people in love, but come up for air, guys. Some banter is exchanged about Henry's bachelor party, and then they have sex again. Enjoy it while you can! Bodies have to start surfacing at some point, and I doubt that'll put anyone but Chloe in a romantic mood.
MEANWHILE, Shea and Madison take their leave of the psychic, and Madison is yet again a creepy brat, prattling on about spirits and cradling the stolen Tower card in her hands. How is the psychic supposed to tell accurate fortunes now, brat? I suppose that's the last thing on the psychic's mind, because as she scans the list of female guests, she sees Abby's name, and immediately begins to drip blood from her nose. Funny how she didn't have a psychic reaction to Lucy, whose charred corpse is rotting in a pit somewhere.
MEANWHILE, Jimmy has a heart-to-heart with Abby, apologizing on behalf of Shane, expressing sympathy over Kelly's death, and hoping that Abby can still have a good time while she's on the island. Abby's hot for Jimmy, so she's more receptive to the whole "Woo! Fun on the island!" idea than a normal person would be after Kelly's murder and nearly getting filleted in Shane's shack.
MEANWHILE, Blond Tool describes his ideas for Henry's bachelor party to Token Black and Nerd (hereafter known as Booth). He says he's found a stripper for later, but she's a townie, so he hopes she'll have some actual teeth in her head. Henry shows up, and discovers that the guys have also planned to take him fishing, which he loves. This destination wedding is getting lamer by the second. Come, spend a week with us! We'll offer skeet-shooting and fishing! I think I'd rather save the vacation days. And hey, as an added bonus, I wouldn't be murdered! Blond Tool whips out the additional guest invited to the fishing party: An inflatable doll named Muffin. I guess if the stripper isn't hot, it's nice to have a Plan B. Malcolm (the other groomsman, who was awesome in that one episode of Dead Like Me, and will thus have brownie points with me forever) is inside, pitching his idea for a beer company to Sinister Dad and Richard. He asks for $100,000 in start-up costs to get the suds flowing.
MEANWHILE, Shea surprises Trish by unpacking their dead mother's tea set, and the two of them get to bonding over how they'll have a nice tea party as part of the bachelorette activities. Madison, who can spoil a moment like no other child, creepily brats her way into shattering one of the teacups. She insists she didn't do it. That will probably turn out to be true in some dumb, it-was-the-spirits kind of way. And yet... Shut the fuck up, Madison.
MEANWHILE, the groomsmen and Muffin are out fishing. Malcolm is depressed, because Richard vetoed the idea to loan him start-up money. Token Black spots some gulls hanging out at a certain patch of water, which signals lot of fish, so they head over. I'm skipping yet another Abby/Jimmy flirt scene. Consider their flirting understood now. They need to have sex or get in a fight or be murdered because this storyline is getting milked more than the Octomom. Henry gets a bite in the new fishing spot, and though I was convinced they were going to bring up Cousin Ben's head, it's actually a big ol' fish. For some odd reason, Blond Tool reacts as if it were Cousin Ben's head. He freaks out and jumps into the water, using Muffin as a flotation device. Handy. That pointlessness dealt with, the groomsmen spot Hunter's boat. And then, the weirdness, in which none of these people act like actual people would in real life.
They see the large spatters of blood first, so Booth horks over the side of the boat, as this is naturally the role of the Hypochondriac Nerd. Then, Malcolm sees the body and the satchel full of money. That's enough to lure him onto the other boat, where he reaches into the satchel and picks up the gun. Seriously, people. You come across a grisly death scene and intentionally spread your fingerprints all over a weapon there? He wants to swipe the money, and all anyone can think about is whether to take the money or report the crime. At not one single point do they wonder who the dead body is. I'm going to be extremely generous, and assume that the gun blast rendered Hunter unrecognizable, because otherwise, this is asinine. Still, they should at least be curious about who it is and what happened here. Henry moves to call the harbor-master, and Malcolm shoots a hole in the bottom of Hunter's boat, which causes Henry to change his mind and allow Malcolm to take the money instead. Huh? Huh?!?!
MEANWHILE, Trish approaches Sinister Dad and Madison, who are playing cards, and are no doubt having a rousing conversation about how to be as off-putting as possible. She wonders where Cougar Stepmom (hereafter known as Katherine) has wandered off to. Madison thinks she may be by the pool, which leads Trish to walk to the...basement? Wine cellar? I don't know, but it's certainly not a swimming pool. She hears a female voice whimpering, and follows it until she sees Katherine chained to the ceiling. She panics for a second until it becomes clear that this is more sadomasochistic sex between Katherine and Richard. Rut roh! Trish runs off. Hey, how did Richard and Katherine know that there was chain-people-to-the-ceiling equipment in the basement? Was it in the brochure?
MEANWHILE, I'm skipping yet another Jimmy/Abby flirt scene. Let's rejoin the groomsmen, who run into Cal on their way back into the inn. He babbles a bit about how much about fish he knows, and is clearly feeling a bit left out of the festivities. The groomsmen, understandably nervous, blow him off and head to the privacy of a room, where they dump their fish in the bathtub. Geez, these bathtubs are seeing a lot of non-bath action. I hope they're well-cleaned after all these people are dead. The groomsmen stare at the pile of money, a lot of which is extremely bloody. Good luck spending that. "Oh, this? Cut myself shaving. In the jugular vein." It adds up to $250,000, which works out to $50,000 per groomsman, assuming they don't turn the money in. Malcolm pulls Henry aside to basically beg for his share, saying he's completely broke. Henry promises to think about it. In fact, all of the groomsmen, rather than doing anything an actual person would do (take the money and hide it, turn it in, fight about what to do, etc.), decide to just table the matter and go enjoy the bachelor party. No, really. "Let's leave this bloody pile of cash behind and go have some beer!" HUH?!?!
MEANWHILE, Abby stops by the local paper to pick up a copy of an article about Henry catching a fish to paste in her lame scrapbook. At first, I was surprised that Harper's Island, which is apparently about the size of koi pond, needs its own local paper, but then I remembered that people are murdered regularly here, so it's probably necessary to keep abreast of everything. While she waits for her article, Abby sees a stack of articles about John Wakefield on the counter. The girl working there says that somebody requested all the information the paper had about him, but she isn't sure who. Abby takes her article and wanders out in a daze, almost getting run over by the psychic. She drops her lame scrapbook into a puddle, and it's pretty much ruined.
MEANWHILE, Trish runs to Henry and blubbers "Katherine and Richard..." before pulling him into a comforting hug. If I were Henry, I'd be like "Katherine and Richard what? Want to talk to me? Are hurt? Got into an argument? Are having sadomasochistic sex in the basement?" Henry, as with the bloody money, is completely disinterested, and content to just stand there and hug her. The ladies then gather for some bachelorette activity. Nobody gives a solitary thought to where Lucy might be. Not a one. Are there any humans on this island? Will the twist be that this is all an imaginary play in Madison's mind or some shit? Act like people! Katherine hands out pink hoodies with "Henry and Trish" embroidered on them, saying she had black ones made for the guys. Katherine has been watching too much Grease. The perky lady we see for all of three seconds in every episode (hereafter known as Maggie), interrupts Trish's pouting to pull her and Shea into the adjoining room, where they discover that someone has completely destroyed the rest of their mother's tea set. Aw. Shea is no fool, and immediately asks where Madison is. Yeah, no kidding, lady. Abby, still wearing her Pink Lady jacket, says she'll look for her, and soon finds her sitting with some of the smashed china, being her usual creepy, bratty self. She says that the spirits told her she's not going to get to be a flower girl. Unfortunately, we cut to commercial before someone can slap the shit out of her and send her to her room.
MEANWHILE, the groomsmen are finally realizing that whoops, they've tampered with a crime scene and taken a bunch of money that probably belongs to some unsavory characters. Welcome to Duuuuuuuuuuuuuhsville, gentlemen. And yet, they still manage to make dumb jokes about prison sex. When two burly guys with guns come into the bar, the groomsmen panic and dash out to the patio for a conference. Funny, my first thought on seeing the two burly guys was "Yum." But then, I haven't stolen anything from them. Henry and the groomsmen decide to hide the money until they figure out how to turn it in without being killed or arrested. Helpful thoughts to have. Two hours ago. They draw straws to determine who has to hide the cash, and after a stupid false start thanks to Blond Tool, it winds up being Booth.
MEANWHILE, the psychic is telling Trish's fortune. Trish is trashed, because every time someone says "Henry", they have to drink. Putting aside the fact that the fortunes would be off thanks to a missing card, Madison, the psychic tells Trish that she is going to be betrayed. Trish makes a veiled dig at Katherine, but the psychic intimates that the betrayer will be male, and oddly enough, also be Trish's savior.
MEANWHILE, as Booth wanders through the woods, because God forbid he hide the money in the inn itself, the guys (and Muffin) hang out at the local bar. They're there enough to have their names engraved on the stools. Blond Tool and Token Black chat about Malcolm, and how he's now calm enough to put aside his feelings about the money, and will soon join them to help Henry enjoy his party. Are you panicked or are you in party mode, freaks? Pick a mode, because you can't be in both. Cal dances dorkily by the jukebox. Richard mopes alone at a table. Henry approaches him, and tells him that Trish spilled the beans about the sadomasochistic sex in the basement. Richard is undisturbed, daring Henry to tell on him. It looks like he knows something we don't. Ooh, maybe he's being pimped out!
MEANWHILE, it's Abby's turn with the psychic. She hands over her mother's necklace, and Trish mists over about her own dead mother. Still no mention of Lucy, by the way. The psychic takes Abby's necklace, promptly freaks out, and flees the room. Trish takes this as an opportunity to get drunker. And speaking of drunk, Blond Tool is hanging over Henry talking about what a great day it's been. Yeah, awesome, what with the blood and gunshots and all. The two burly guys enter, looking for Blond Tool. Blond Tool pawns them off on Henry. I can see why he's best man; he's such a caring friend. The two burly guys ask Henry about the money. Not THE money. The money for the stripper. Because they're bouncers. Why the stripper can't collect her own money is beyond me. I guess because then we wouldn't have had scary guys with guns to suspect of shady dealings. We've already got those, and they're in the wedding party.
MEANWHILE, and speaking of which, Booth wanders through the woods. He hears someone approaching, and pulls the gun. It turns out to be Malcolm, who is "watching his back". Watching the greenback, is more like it. Booth lowers the gun in relief, and...accidentally shoots himself in the leg. This is why you don't give firearms to hypochondriac nerds. Actually, it isn't clear that that's what just happened. Someone could have shot him from the woods. He's in shock, and isn't even in pain, but is losing a lot of blood. That's another odd thing. That shit would hurt. Malcolm wants to run and get help, but Booth doesn't want to be left alone. Malcolm cradles him as blood spurts out of his leg.
MEANWHILE, the stripper strips. It turns out that Henry knew her when she was little. That's a fascinating story. After her pseudo-naughty-because-this-is-network-TV dance, she flirts with Cal, which makes Blond Tool jealous. Malcolm enters, and though he is visibly upset, lies about having seen Booth. Curious. Oh, and elsewhere, the psychic is accosting Abby and telling her to get her ass off the island, tout de suite. So Abby goes over to Jimmy's place for a nice hug. Yeah, that makes everything better.
MEANWHILE, Malcolm is back at the inn. He's got the satchel of money, but is a good enough guy to at least be sad about his dead friend, whose body is still lying in the woods, for all we know. I'm not sensing a long lifespan for Malcolm. Too bad. Chris Gauthier is a good actor. And what the hell is up with Booth, anyway? Is he dead or alive? Who shot him, if anyone? Could this be a fakeout? Nobody suspects the hypochondriac nerd, after all.
MEANWHILE, a drunken Trish spots Muffin floating in the pool, and falls in trying to pull her out. Alcohol and night swimming - it's a winning combination! She enjoys the refreshing water, until she notices that the automatic cover is closing. She nearly drowns, but is rescued at the last moment by Richard, who is able to revive her with CPR. One could almost call him her savior, no?
Next week on Harper's Island: DEATH!
Overall Grade: B-
Thursday, April 23, 2009
The Hunter Becomes the Hunted
Harper's Island - Season 1, Episode 3
Previously on Harper's Island: DEATH!
We open this week's episode on members of the wedding party frolicking in the inn's swimming pool. Trish, Henry, Trish's Sinister Dad, and Richard (Shea's husband) pass the time skeet shooting. Some random bridesmaid named Beth says she's going to spend the day in the spa. Jeez, this inn really is all-inclusive. Henry chats with Richard about how much Trish's family sucks. That's not what he says, but it's what he means. Madison continues being a creepy brat. Sinister Dad's wife cougars around in the background. Someone slips Henry a note that spills the fact that Hunter Jennings is in town and staying at a local motel.
MEANWHILE, the sheriff and coroner are examining Kelly's body. The sheriff, seemingly suspicious already, wants the coroner to check thoroughly into whether it was suicide or not. They pry Kelly's eyelids open to see that her eyes are literally covered in red liquid, ostensibly blood. Ew. The coroner tuts-tuts about kids these days and tattoos, and why don't you just offer us all a Werther's Original Butterscotch, grandpa? We return from the commercial just in time to see him take a sample of the red liquid with a needle. Eeeeeew. He confirms that Kelly had sex shortly before she died, but there's not much mystery there.
MEANWHILE, back at the pool, the groomsmen talk about the loud sex Cal and Chloe had all night. Dude, Cal was hanging upside down for hours. And that was before the sex. Ba dum bump! He's in no condition to pork his girlfriend. The Blond Tool (Sully, but I'm going to stick with Blond Tool for now), can't believe that Chloe is actually into her boyfriend, despite the fact that she shot down his oh-so-smooth graveyard pickup line, and the fact that she's been having monkey sex with Cal all night. Pick up the hint, ass. He doesn't. Instead, he swims over to the couple and offers an insincere apology to Cal for abandoning him in the forest. Cal ignores him.
MEANWHILE, the sheriff talks to Abby about Kelly. They agree that she wasn't suicidal, but given that it's them, they can't even agree without getting into a pointless fight. The sheriff asks if Abby knows of anyone else that was hanging around Kelly, and although Abby clearly saw JD wandering around in Kelly's place, she lies and says she doesn't know anything.
MEANWHILE, Hunter nags Trish some more. She's still unreceptive. Thus concludes the four-hundredth time we've seen this same exact conversation. On the plus side, we at least get a tiny bit of additional information in that Trish accidentally reveals to Hunter that her Sinister Dad is double-crossing him.
MEANWHILE, Abby goes to JD's room to tell him about Kelly's death. His response? "That's weird." I guess Henry's plea for JD to be less of a depressive Froot Loop didn't take. He does open up enough to tell Abby he doesn't know what could have happened to Kelly, and that she seemed in good spirits when they were fucking. Always a plus. MEANWHILE, Richard and Cougar Stepmother have sadomasochistic sex. Kinky! MEANWHILE, Beth and Shea are admiring Trish in her wedding dress. Shouldn't Beth be at the spa? And shouldn't someone be wondering where Lucy is? Beth intercepts a message from Hunter on Trish's phone. She's got to stop leaving that thing lying around. Beth snarks that back in college, Trish may have said she wanted Hunter gone, but her body gave out other signals. Trish says she's dealing with it. This plotline bores me. Will someone kill one of the principal members of it, please?
MEANWHILE, Richard and Cal talk about how weird it is that someone as wimpy and wan as Cal landed someone like Chloe. This is how we know this takes place in TV Land, because Cal's perfectly fine-looking, and Chloe isn't all that. Cal worriedly watches Blond Tool attempt to chat Chloe up yet again. He and Hunter should start a Take The Hint, Dumbass - She's Not Interested club. Shouldn't Richard be having nasty sex with Cougar Stepmom right now? These characters sure like to teleport.
MEANWHILE, Henry stops by Hunter's motel, and charms the desk lady into handing over a key to Hunter's room. He searches it, and finds out that Sinister Dad has been paying for Hunter's oh-so-intricate Nag Trish Into Calling Off the Wedding plan. Hunter returns to the room, and Henry hides in the closet until it's safe to make his escape. MEANWHILE, in the spa, Blond Tool allows the attendant to cover him with sticky goo while Chloe watches. They flirt with each other. This scene is fucked up in about a hundred ways. And where's Beth? The attendant puts cucumber slices on Blond Tool's eyes, which allows Cal to sneak in and dump pillow feathers all over him. This island is certainly full of mysteries. Like where someone got their hands on a down-filled pillow, which haven't been around since the days of Donna Reed. Blond Tool jumps up and chases Cal out, past a giggling Chloe, who was in on the prank. The guys run past the other groomsmen (and Sinister Dad), who are...waiting for their turn to be covered in goo? What is going ON on this island? Murderer? A little help, please?
MEANWHILE, someone runs down JD with a red truck. Now, who do we know who owns one of those? Abby stops by the sheriff's office. He's got a picture of her on his desk. She's not smiling. Couldn't he have picked a shot that makes him a little happier? Maybe one from the good old days before his wife got slaughtered? The two talk, and once again agree that Kelly probably didn't commit suicide. Abby snaps at him for not investigating more, and if she's so het up about justice being served, maybe she shouldn't have lied to him about not seeing anyone hanging around her the day of her death. Shane's name comes up, because Kelly used to date him, broke his heart, and because Shane's name should always come up when something horrible happens.
The sheriff teleports over to Shane's place. Shane is typically unhelpful, and when the sheriff leaves, we see that Shane has JD bound and gagged in his truck. Abby, following in her father's footsteps, teleports over to talk to Nikki, the bar manager who discovered Kelly's body. They talk about Kelly and Shane's bad breakup, and they wonder why Kelly never got a restraining order against him. Because nothing on the island is 500 feet from anything else? And yet there are still two and a half bodies, two heads, and a purse dog lying around undiscovered.
MEANWHILE, Hunter confronts Sinister Dad about being sold out to Trish. Sinister Dad says that he had to lie to avoid both of them being discovered. Hunter, perhaps finally realizing that his plan to cajole Trish into dumping her fiancee isn't working, says he'll leave Trish alone and take off for good if Sinister Dad forks over another $50,000. Yeah, blackmailing someone sinister on Murder Island is pretty much in line with Hunter's intellect. MEANWHILE, someone slips Trish a note purporting to be from Hunter, and asking her to come to one of the inn's rooms to work things out. Yawn. Why isn't anyone dying?
MEANWHILE, Abby is really Nancy Drewing her way around this episode. Where's her lesbian friend with the fat, blond cousin? Abby teleports over to Shane's place, and discovers JD, still gagged, and with a noose around his neck, standing on a chair. Shane catches her, of course. He brandishes a knife in her direction. MEANWHILE, Trish timidly makes her way to the room that the note summoned her to. At the last minute, she reconsiders her engagement ring, and doesn't enter. Good thing for her, because it is Henry, not Hunter, who waits within. MEANWHILE, Abby babbles to Shane about John Wakefield and swears that Kelly didn't commit suicide so he won't kill her (or JD, whom I guess he blames for the "suicide"). Shane actually uses the word "daft", which I refuse to believe he'd ever say. Their insane conversation gives the sheriff enough time to bust in, though I don't think Abby knew he was there. A surprised Shane drops the knife and accidentally knocks JD off the chair. Whoops. He begins to choke, but Abby grabs the knife and cuts him down.
Later that night, there's some sort of special dinner. I can't imagine it's the rehearsal dinner, because the priest would have to be at the rehearsal, and... Well, you know. And really, someone ought to have missed Lucy by this point. Henry confronts Sinister Dad (that's happening a lot tonight - poor Sinister Dad), saying that he knows what he and Hunter planned, and that it's not going to work. Abby and her dad finally make some headway into not bickering every time they speak. MEANWHILE, Cal offers an insincere apology to Blond Tool, who gets all mad (especially when the rest of the groomsmen make fun of him), but is held in check by Henry, who points out that he and Cal are even now. Hunter walks directly into the party. Isn't his presence on the island supposed to be a secret to everyone but Trish and her Sinister Dad (and now Henry)? What is he doing walking right into the party? He's there to send a threatening text message to Sinister Dad about the blackmail money, but he could have done that from anywhere. Why blow his cover? Oh, because he's Hunter, and Hunter is indescribably stupid.
Henry makes a toast which sounds rather charming, but is really a veiled challenge to Sinister Dad. Sinister Dad has more pressing things on his mind, as he walks outside and hands a check to Hunter, warning him to never talk to Trish again. Hunter hops in a speedboat and gets ready to leave. MEANWHILE, the sheriff is exploring Kelly's place. With a flashlight, of course, because God forbid someone on television ever turn the goddamned lights on. He discovers a very creepy figure of a bear, with eyes as red as Kelly's were. MEANWHILE, Hunter finds a satchel in the boat. It's crammed with money and a gun. MEANWHILE, the coroner calls the sheriff, and reports that the substance found in Kelly's eyes was not blood, but red ink. The sheriff is disturbed, especially when he finds a newspaper clipping that has a picture of him, with the eyes colored in red. A note is scrawled across it that reads "YOU FOUND HER, NOW FIND ME". Yeeks. MEANWHILE, Hunter's boat dies. Guess who's not far behind? Yes, when Hunter yanks open the engine compartment, a double-barreled shotgun -- in fact, one of the very skeet-shooting weapons we saw at the beginning of the episode -- pops up and blows him away. Yaaaaaaaaay! No more tedious "Trish, whyyyyyyyy don't you leeeeeeeave Henry for meeeeeeeee?" scenes! Thank you, murderer!
Next week on Harper's Island: DEATH!
Overall Grade: C+
Previously on Harper's Island: DEATH!
We open this week's episode on members of the wedding party frolicking in the inn's swimming pool. Trish, Henry, Trish's Sinister Dad, and Richard (Shea's husband) pass the time skeet shooting. Some random bridesmaid named Beth says she's going to spend the day in the spa. Jeez, this inn really is all-inclusive. Henry chats with Richard about how much Trish's family sucks. That's not what he says, but it's what he means. Madison continues being a creepy brat. Sinister Dad's wife cougars around in the background. Someone slips Henry a note that spills the fact that Hunter Jennings is in town and staying at a local motel.
MEANWHILE, the sheriff and coroner are examining Kelly's body. The sheriff, seemingly suspicious already, wants the coroner to check thoroughly into whether it was suicide or not. They pry Kelly's eyelids open to see that her eyes are literally covered in red liquid, ostensibly blood. Ew. The coroner tuts-tuts about kids these days and tattoos, and why don't you just offer us all a Werther's Original Butterscotch, grandpa? We return from the commercial just in time to see him take a sample of the red liquid with a needle. Eeeeeew. He confirms that Kelly had sex shortly before she died, but there's not much mystery there.
MEANWHILE, back at the pool, the groomsmen talk about the loud sex Cal and Chloe had all night. Dude, Cal was hanging upside down for hours. And that was before the sex. Ba dum bump! He's in no condition to pork his girlfriend. The Blond Tool (Sully, but I'm going to stick with Blond Tool for now), can't believe that Chloe is actually into her boyfriend, despite the fact that she shot down his oh-so-smooth graveyard pickup line, and the fact that she's been having monkey sex with Cal all night. Pick up the hint, ass. He doesn't. Instead, he swims over to the couple and offers an insincere apology to Cal for abandoning him in the forest. Cal ignores him.
MEANWHILE, the sheriff talks to Abby about Kelly. They agree that she wasn't suicidal, but given that it's them, they can't even agree without getting into a pointless fight. The sheriff asks if Abby knows of anyone else that was hanging around Kelly, and although Abby clearly saw JD wandering around in Kelly's place, she lies and says she doesn't know anything.
MEANWHILE, Hunter nags Trish some more. She's still unreceptive. Thus concludes the four-hundredth time we've seen this same exact conversation. On the plus side, we at least get a tiny bit of additional information in that Trish accidentally reveals to Hunter that her Sinister Dad is double-crossing him.
MEANWHILE, Abby goes to JD's room to tell him about Kelly's death. His response? "That's weird." I guess Henry's plea for JD to be less of a depressive Froot Loop didn't take. He does open up enough to tell Abby he doesn't know what could have happened to Kelly, and that she seemed in good spirits when they were fucking. Always a plus. MEANWHILE, Richard and Cougar Stepmother have sadomasochistic sex. Kinky! MEANWHILE, Beth and Shea are admiring Trish in her wedding dress. Shouldn't Beth be at the spa? And shouldn't someone be wondering where Lucy is? Beth intercepts a message from Hunter on Trish's phone. She's got to stop leaving that thing lying around. Beth snarks that back in college, Trish may have said she wanted Hunter gone, but her body gave out other signals. Trish says she's dealing with it. This plotline bores me. Will someone kill one of the principal members of it, please?
MEANWHILE, Richard and Cal talk about how weird it is that someone as wimpy and wan as Cal landed someone like Chloe. This is how we know this takes place in TV Land, because Cal's perfectly fine-looking, and Chloe isn't all that. Cal worriedly watches Blond Tool attempt to chat Chloe up yet again. He and Hunter should start a Take The Hint, Dumbass - She's Not Interested club. Shouldn't Richard be having nasty sex with Cougar Stepmom right now? These characters sure like to teleport.
MEANWHILE, Henry stops by Hunter's motel, and charms the desk lady into handing over a key to Hunter's room. He searches it, and finds out that Sinister Dad has been paying for Hunter's oh-so-intricate Nag Trish Into Calling Off the Wedding plan. Hunter returns to the room, and Henry hides in the closet until it's safe to make his escape. MEANWHILE, in the spa, Blond Tool allows the attendant to cover him with sticky goo while Chloe watches. They flirt with each other. This scene is fucked up in about a hundred ways. And where's Beth? The attendant puts cucumber slices on Blond Tool's eyes, which allows Cal to sneak in and dump pillow feathers all over him. This island is certainly full of mysteries. Like where someone got their hands on a down-filled pillow, which haven't been around since the days of Donna Reed. Blond Tool jumps up and chases Cal out, past a giggling Chloe, who was in on the prank. The guys run past the other groomsmen (and Sinister Dad), who are...waiting for their turn to be covered in goo? What is going ON on this island? Murderer? A little help, please?
MEANWHILE, someone runs down JD with a red truck. Now, who do we know who owns one of those? Abby stops by the sheriff's office. He's got a picture of her on his desk. She's not smiling. Couldn't he have picked a shot that makes him a little happier? Maybe one from the good old days before his wife got slaughtered? The two talk, and once again agree that Kelly probably didn't commit suicide. Abby snaps at him for not investigating more, and if she's so het up about justice being served, maybe she shouldn't have lied to him about not seeing anyone hanging around her the day of her death. Shane's name comes up, because Kelly used to date him, broke his heart, and because Shane's name should always come up when something horrible happens.
The sheriff teleports over to Shane's place. Shane is typically unhelpful, and when the sheriff leaves, we see that Shane has JD bound and gagged in his truck. Abby, following in her father's footsteps, teleports over to talk to Nikki, the bar manager who discovered Kelly's body. They talk about Kelly and Shane's bad breakup, and they wonder why Kelly never got a restraining order against him. Because nothing on the island is 500 feet from anything else? And yet there are still two and a half bodies, two heads, and a purse dog lying around undiscovered.
MEANWHILE, Hunter confronts Sinister Dad about being sold out to Trish. Sinister Dad says that he had to lie to avoid both of them being discovered. Hunter, perhaps finally realizing that his plan to cajole Trish into dumping her fiancee isn't working, says he'll leave Trish alone and take off for good if Sinister Dad forks over another $50,000. Yeah, blackmailing someone sinister on Murder Island is pretty much in line with Hunter's intellect. MEANWHILE, someone slips Trish a note purporting to be from Hunter, and asking her to come to one of the inn's rooms to work things out. Yawn. Why isn't anyone dying?
MEANWHILE, Abby is really Nancy Drewing her way around this episode. Where's her lesbian friend with the fat, blond cousin? Abby teleports over to Shane's place, and discovers JD, still gagged, and with a noose around his neck, standing on a chair. Shane catches her, of course. He brandishes a knife in her direction. MEANWHILE, Trish timidly makes her way to the room that the note summoned her to. At the last minute, she reconsiders her engagement ring, and doesn't enter. Good thing for her, because it is Henry, not Hunter, who waits within. MEANWHILE, Abby babbles to Shane about John Wakefield and swears that Kelly didn't commit suicide so he won't kill her (or JD, whom I guess he blames for the "suicide"). Shane actually uses the word "daft", which I refuse to believe he'd ever say. Their insane conversation gives the sheriff enough time to bust in, though I don't think Abby knew he was there. A surprised Shane drops the knife and accidentally knocks JD off the chair. Whoops. He begins to choke, but Abby grabs the knife and cuts him down.
Later that night, there's some sort of special dinner. I can't imagine it's the rehearsal dinner, because the priest would have to be at the rehearsal, and... Well, you know. And really, someone ought to have missed Lucy by this point. Henry confronts Sinister Dad (that's happening a lot tonight - poor Sinister Dad), saying that he knows what he and Hunter planned, and that it's not going to work. Abby and her dad finally make some headway into not bickering every time they speak. MEANWHILE, Cal offers an insincere apology to Blond Tool, who gets all mad (especially when the rest of the groomsmen make fun of him), but is held in check by Henry, who points out that he and Cal are even now. Hunter walks directly into the party. Isn't his presence on the island supposed to be a secret to everyone but Trish and her Sinister Dad (and now Henry)? What is he doing walking right into the party? He's there to send a threatening text message to Sinister Dad about the blackmail money, but he could have done that from anywhere. Why blow his cover? Oh, because he's Hunter, and Hunter is indescribably stupid.
Henry makes a toast which sounds rather charming, but is really a veiled challenge to Sinister Dad. Sinister Dad has more pressing things on his mind, as he walks outside and hands a check to Hunter, warning him to never talk to Trish again. Hunter hops in a speedboat and gets ready to leave. MEANWHILE, the sheriff is exploring Kelly's place. With a flashlight, of course, because God forbid someone on television ever turn the goddamned lights on. He discovers a very creepy figure of a bear, with eyes as red as Kelly's were. MEANWHILE, Hunter finds a satchel in the boat. It's crammed with money and a gun. MEANWHILE, the coroner calls the sheriff, and reports that the substance found in Kelly's eyes was not blood, but red ink. The sheriff is disturbed, especially when he finds a newspaper clipping that has a picture of him, with the eyes colored in red. A note is scrawled across it that reads "YOU FOUND HER, NOW FIND ME". Yeeks. MEANWHILE, Hunter's boat dies. Guess who's not far behind? Yes, when Hunter yanks open the engine compartment, a double-barreled shotgun -- in fact, one of the very skeet-shooting weapons we saw at the beginning of the episode -- pops up and blows him away. Yaaaaaaaaay! No more tedious "Trish, whyyyyyyyy don't you leeeeeeeave Henry for meeeeeeeee?" scenes! Thank you, murderer!
Next week on Harper's Island: DEATH!
Overall Grade: C+
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Fire Island
Harper's Island - Season 1, Episode 2
Previously on Harper's Island: DEATH!
Abby wakes up, and having been through the trauma of coming home to the island where half a dozen people were slaughtered, getting into a bar fight, and being taunted with her mother's death by an unknown prankster, she decides the best thing to do is go jogging alone through the woods where she found her mother's corpse. Seriously, Abby. Sleep in. Order up an omelette. She spots a deer, and is so enchanted, she stops to gawk at it. I guess that comes from her living in Los Angeles for a while, because seeing a deer isn't exactly that unheard of, especially on an island covered by forests. She's startled by Jimmy and his asshole brother (Shane), who are hunting the deer. She objects to this, and when Jimmy and Shane explain that they're culling the weak ones that will starve come winter anyway, Abby stalks off, muttering that she'd rather not actually be present for said culling, thank you.
MEANWHILE, Hunter again tries to cajole Trish out of marrying Henry. She doesn't want to hear it. Man, if the only tricks Hunter has up his sleeve are "charm" and nagging, this is a very ill thought-out plan. I think Trish has been wearing that pearl necklace for the entirety of her screen-time. Jeez, lady. I know you're well-heeled and everything, but give it a rest.
MEANWHILE, someone has broken into the local maritime museum and stolen some sort of sharpened spade. The only reason this is shown is because that sharpened spade will naturally be showing up momentarily in a rather nasty way. Apparently, we the audience are so stupid, we would have seen the murder and thought "Hey, where did that sharpened spade come from? How could a serial killer possibly have lain his or her hands on such an array of weapons?"
Jimmy and Shane come back to Shane's truck to discover the deer, dead and splayed across the hood, with "PSYCHO" scrawled across the windshield in blood. They're consternated, I imagine because this could have been done by anyone who's ever met Shane. MEANWHILE, Henry continues his habit of talking to JD through closed doors. He asks JD to maybe try to be less of a depressive Froot Loop this week after last night's bar fight with Shane, and JD's like "It's not my fault Shane's a douche." Point. Oh, and he's frantically washing copious amounts of blood off of his hands.
Trish dashes from her meeting with Hunter to join Henry and the wedding party on the patio, where Henry has been explaining the extended scavenger hunt he and Trish are sending the rest of them on. Wait, wait, wait. Henry has clearly been hanging out with everyone for quite some time, and this is after his heart-to-door with JD. How long has Hunter been whining to Trish? Didn't that conversation only last a few minutes? Where has Trish been? Very curious. P.S. - Spending a week doing things like wedding-themed scavenger hunts would have me throwing myself out of the hotel window long before any murderer got to me. Some tooly, blond groomsman talks Cal into switching teams. Not like that, perv. He just switches scavenger hunt teams so that he can hit on Cal's girlfriend. Class-ay. Chloe's disappointed that she and Cal aren't on the same team. I guess she's not mad anymore about that whole dunking thing.
We see the same perky lady we saw for all of three seconds last week for all of three seconds this week as she drops some scavenger hunt supplies off at the church. The priest thanks her. MEANWHILE, Trish and Henry essentially have sex on their wedding cake. So much for those separate rooms, huh? The priest we just met goes wandering through the woods, where he steps into one of those hunting snares that loops around the ankle and suspends him upside down. The murderer steps up and lops off his head with that sharpened spade. Thank goodness they showed its theft from the maritime museum! I'd be completely lost, otherwise! Still, I think it was casually mentioned that Trish used to work at that museum. Just sayin'.
MEANWHILE, Abby and the rest of her scavenger hunt team hang out at the local bar. It's, like, ten in the morning, alkies. Abby runs into a creepy girl named Kelly, whose mother was also murdered by Wakefield. Haunted as Abby is, she doesn't have half the case of cuckoos Kelly has. Abby reveals that her father sent her away after the murders. Oh, I was under the impression she had abandoned her father. Oopsie! Anyhoo, Shane enters and is douchey some more. We get it. They wander outside where Jimmy waits, and Shane suggests that Abby might be responsible for the message on his windshield. Sure. She doesn't want to watch you kill a deer, but she killed one with her bare hands, then smeared a bloody message on your ride. Good thinking, douche. Abby and Jimmy chat, at one point saying that the island isn't very big. You'd think someone would have stumbled across Uncle Marty's body by this point, especially since everyone's tromping all over this place this episode.
Speaking of which, Chloe is at a graveyard with the rest of her scavenger hunt team. Fun! She finds Wakefield's grave, which makes her feel all thrilled and spooked, so the blond tool decides there couldn't be a better time to hit on her. The dudes on this island have no game. MEANWHILE, Trish and Lucy (she of the purse dog) have the exact same conversation Trish and Shea had last week about Hunter. The cake sex wasn't marriage-affirming enough? MEANWHILE, Kelly catches up with Abby to ask if she can come to Los Angeles and live with her. The deer-in-the-headlights look Abby gives her is enough to strike enough sanity into Kelly that she takes it back. JD wanders around in the background. MEANWHILE, Henry talks to Jimmy, and suggests that maybe he could convince Shane not to be such a douchebag. The odds aren't good. Henry is nice enough to invite both of them to the bonfire on the beach that night.
So, I guess the scavenger hunt is off? Cal wanders through the woods and steps into another one of those snare traps. He's hoisted into the air and hangs upside-down. MEANWHILE, Henry finds a puddle of blood in his room that leads to the bathroom, where he finds a severed deer head in his bathtub. Man, the deer on this island aren't having a good week. MEANWHILE, Trish walks in on her sinister father talking with Hunter, only catching the end of the conversation. Her sinister father is able to lie his way out by pretending that he was sending Hunter away on Trish's behalf. The blond tool stumbles across Cal hanging in the woods. He snags Cal's map, lying on the ground, and abandons him, promising to send help back. Well, what do you want? He's a tool.
Abby must have scented blood, and didn't want to miss an opportunity to be in the middle of the action, because she comes into Henry and Trish's room for no reason other than to discover Henry cleaning up after the Bambi incident. Abby tells him that Jimmy and Shane were hunting deer earlier, and he freaks out. She manages to keep him from dashing off to kick Shane's ass, promising to talk to Jimmy. Henry probably didn't take this to mean she'd run off and flirt with her old flame some more, which is what happens. She then teleports over to Kelly's place to let her know that it's just peachy if Kelly moves in with her. Abby loves her some drama. JD wanders in the background some more, this time in considerably less clothing. After Abby leaves to teleport somewhere else, Kelly sexes JD up, saying that this is the best day of her life. Uh, oh.
That night, the bonfire kicks into high gear. Then, a whole bunch of shit goes down, which will give my poor MEANWHILE quite a workout. Someone sends a text to Henry purporting to be Uncle Marty, who has, ahem, stepped away from the festivities to woo a young lady. Henry buys it, so I guess nobody will be looking for Uncle Marty for a while. What about the duo of heads rolling around the island? MEANWHILE, Jimmy and Shane arrive, and Henry immediately punches Shane in the face. A fight miraculously doesn't break out, and Shane just stalks off. Lucy drops her purse dog, who darts into the woods past Hunter who has obviously not departed. Planning to whine to Trish some more, are we? MEANWHILE, Chloe wonders where Cal is, which prompts Blond Tool to remember that he was supposed to send someone to cut Cal down. A mini-search party goes off to find him. MEANWHILE, the police...hey! They actually find a body! Finally! Someone has hanged poor Kelly, who really shouldn't have said anything about this being the best day ever. Hey, murderer? Perhaps you could lay off the incidental characters like Priest and Kelly and maybe whittle down the main cast a bit? There's still a lot of them!
MEANWHILE, Lucy wanders through the woods. There's a lot of that going around. She looks for her purse dog, but finds a Burmese tiger trap instead. You know, those pits dug in the ground and covered with leaves and dirt. She plunges to the bottom. MEANWHILE, the search party finds Cal. He's fine. Lucy sits dazed in the pit, calling for help. Her purse dog stands shivering at the top, but isn't able to lend much help when the murderer steps up and douses Lucy with gasoline. Like Uncle Marty last week, she's considerably less panicked than she should be, seeming miffed at most. That changes when the murderer lights a match and drops it on her. Hey, where did he or she find a box of matches and some gasoline? We didn't see them stolen from anywhere! Lucy flails around in the pit, roasting to death. See, if she had had a dog of respectable size, this wouldn't have happened.
Next week on Harper's Island: DEATH!
Overall Grade: B
Previously on Harper's Island: DEATH!
Abby wakes up, and having been through the trauma of coming home to the island where half a dozen people were slaughtered, getting into a bar fight, and being taunted with her mother's death by an unknown prankster, she decides the best thing to do is go jogging alone through the woods where she found her mother's corpse. Seriously, Abby. Sleep in. Order up an omelette. She spots a deer, and is so enchanted, she stops to gawk at it. I guess that comes from her living in Los Angeles for a while, because seeing a deer isn't exactly that unheard of, especially on an island covered by forests. She's startled by Jimmy and his asshole brother (Shane), who are hunting the deer. She objects to this, and when Jimmy and Shane explain that they're culling the weak ones that will starve come winter anyway, Abby stalks off, muttering that she'd rather not actually be present for said culling, thank you.
MEANWHILE, Hunter again tries to cajole Trish out of marrying Henry. She doesn't want to hear it. Man, if the only tricks Hunter has up his sleeve are "charm" and nagging, this is a very ill thought-out plan. I think Trish has been wearing that pearl necklace for the entirety of her screen-time. Jeez, lady. I know you're well-heeled and everything, but give it a rest.
MEANWHILE, someone has broken into the local maritime museum and stolen some sort of sharpened spade. The only reason this is shown is because that sharpened spade will naturally be showing up momentarily in a rather nasty way. Apparently, we the audience are so stupid, we would have seen the murder and thought "Hey, where did that sharpened spade come from? How could a serial killer possibly have lain his or her hands on such an array of weapons?"
Jimmy and Shane come back to Shane's truck to discover the deer, dead and splayed across the hood, with "PSYCHO" scrawled across the windshield in blood. They're consternated, I imagine because this could have been done by anyone who's ever met Shane. MEANWHILE, Henry continues his habit of talking to JD through closed doors. He asks JD to maybe try to be less of a depressive Froot Loop this week after last night's bar fight with Shane, and JD's like "It's not my fault Shane's a douche." Point. Oh, and he's frantically washing copious amounts of blood off of his hands.
Trish dashes from her meeting with Hunter to join Henry and the wedding party on the patio, where Henry has been explaining the extended scavenger hunt he and Trish are sending the rest of them on. Wait, wait, wait. Henry has clearly been hanging out with everyone for quite some time, and this is after his heart-to-door with JD. How long has Hunter been whining to Trish? Didn't that conversation only last a few minutes? Where has Trish been? Very curious. P.S. - Spending a week doing things like wedding-themed scavenger hunts would have me throwing myself out of the hotel window long before any murderer got to me. Some tooly, blond groomsman talks Cal into switching teams. Not like that, perv. He just switches scavenger hunt teams so that he can hit on Cal's girlfriend. Class-ay. Chloe's disappointed that she and Cal aren't on the same team. I guess she's not mad anymore about that whole dunking thing.
We see the same perky lady we saw for all of three seconds last week for all of three seconds this week as she drops some scavenger hunt supplies off at the church. The priest thanks her. MEANWHILE, Trish and Henry essentially have sex on their wedding cake. So much for those separate rooms, huh? The priest we just met goes wandering through the woods, where he steps into one of those hunting snares that loops around the ankle and suspends him upside down. The murderer steps up and lops off his head with that sharpened spade. Thank goodness they showed its theft from the maritime museum! I'd be completely lost, otherwise! Still, I think it was casually mentioned that Trish used to work at that museum. Just sayin'.
MEANWHILE, Abby and the rest of her scavenger hunt team hang out at the local bar. It's, like, ten in the morning, alkies. Abby runs into a creepy girl named Kelly, whose mother was also murdered by Wakefield. Haunted as Abby is, she doesn't have half the case of cuckoos Kelly has. Abby reveals that her father sent her away after the murders. Oh, I was under the impression she had abandoned her father. Oopsie! Anyhoo, Shane enters and is douchey some more. We get it. They wander outside where Jimmy waits, and Shane suggests that Abby might be responsible for the message on his windshield. Sure. She doesn't want to watch you kill a deer, but she killed one with her bare hands, then smeared a bloody message on your ride. Good thinking, douche. Abby and Jimmy chat, at one point saying that the island isn't very big. You'd think someone would have stumbled across Uncle Marty's body by this point, especially since everyone's tromping all over this place this episode.
Speaking of which, Chloe is at a graveyard with the rest of her scavenger hunt team. Fun! She finds Wakefield's grave, which makes her feel all thrilled and spooked, so the blond tool decides there couldn't be a better time to hit on her. The dudes on this island have no game. MEANWHILE, Trish and Lucy (she of the purse dog) have the exact same conversation Trish and Shea had last week about Hunter. The cake sex wasn't marriage-affirming enough? MEANWHILE, Kelly catches up with Abby to ask if she can come to Los Angeles and live with her. The deer-in-the-headlights look Abby gives her is enough to strike enough sanity into Kelly that she takes it back. JD wanders around in the background. MEANWHILE, Henry talks to Jimmy, and suggests that maybe he could convince Shane not to be such a douchebag. The odds aren't good. Henry is nice enough to invite both of them to the bonfire on the beach that night.
So, I guess the scavenger hunt is off? Cal wanders through the woods and steps into another one of those snare traps. He's hoisted into the air and hangs upside-down. MEANWHILE, Henry finds a puddle of blood in his room that leads to the bathroom, where he finds a severed deer head in his bathtub. Man, the deer on this island aren't having a good week. MEANWHILE, Trish walks in on her sinister father talking with Hunter, only catching the end of the conversation. Her sinister father is able to lie his way out by pretending that he was sending Hunter away on Trish's behalf. The blond tool stumbles across Cal hanging in the woods. He snags Cal's map, lying on the ground, and abandons him, promising to send help back. Well, what do you want? He's a tool.
Abby must have scented blood, and didn't want to miss an opportunity to be in the middle of the action, because she comes into Henry and Trish's room for no reason other than to discover Henry cleaning up after the Bambi incident. Abby tells him that Jimmy and Shane were hunting deer earlier, and he freaks out. She manages to keep him from dashing off to kick Shane's ass, promising to talk to Jimmy. Henry probably didn't take this to mean she'd run off and flirt with her old flame some more, which is what happens. She then teleports over to Kelly's place to let her know that it's just peachy if Kelly moves in with her. Abby loves her some drama. JD wanders in the background some more, this time in considerably less clothing. After Abby leaves to teleport somewhere else, Kelly sexes JD up, saying that this is the best day of her life. Uh, oh.
That night, the bonfire kicks into high gear. Then, a whole bunch of shit goes down, which will give my poor MEANWHILE quite a workout. Someone sends a text to Henry purporting to be Uncle Marty, who has, ahem, stepped away from the festivities to woo a young lady. Henry buys it, so I guess nobody will be looking for Uncle Marty for a while. What about the duo of heads rolling around the island? MEANWHILE, Jimmy and Shane arrive, and Henry immediately punches Shane in the face. A fight miraculously doesn't break out, and Shane just stalks off. Lucy drops her purse dog, who darts into the woods past Hunter who has obviously not departed. Planning to whine to Trish some more, are we? MEANWHILE, Chloe wonders where Cal is, which prompts Blond Tool to remember that he was supposed to send someone to cut Cal down. A mini-search party goes off to find him. MEANWHILE, the police...hey! They actually find a body! Finally! Someone has hanged poor Kelly, who really shouldn't have said anything about this being the best day ever. Hey, murderer? Perhaps you could lay off the incidental characters like Priest and Kelly and maybe whittle down the main cast a bit? There's still a lot of them!
MEANWHILE, Lucy wanders through the woods. There's a lot of that going around. She looks for her purse dog, but finds a Burmese tiger trap instead. You know, those pits dug in the ground and covered with leaves and dirt. She plunges to the bottom. MEANWHILE, the search party finds Cal. He's fine. Lucy sits dazed in the pit, calling for help. Her purse dog stands shivering at the top, but isn't able to lend much help when the murderer steps up and douses Lucy with gasoline. Like Uncle Marty last week, she's considerably less panicked than she should be, seeming miffed at most. That changes when the murderer lights a match and drops it on her. Hey, where did he or she find a box of matches and some gasoline? We didn't see them stolen from anywhere! Lucy flails around in the pit, roasting to death. See, if she had had a dog of respectable size, this wouldn't have happened.
Next week on Harper's Island: DEATH!
Overall Grade: B
Thursday, April 09, 2009
Lots and Lots and Lots of Indians Went Out to Dine
Harper's Island - Season 1, Episode 1
Did you ever read And Then There Were None, and think to yourself: "Well, this is pretty good, but I wish they'd more than double the amount of characters. And maybe make it a little grosser. And have fewer self-righteous British people." Well, your wish has been granted! CBS has given us a murder mystery show, a genre I find difficult to resist. So, let's jump in with both feet, shall we? I don't know half these people's names or their relation to the plot, but let's not let that stop us.
It seems we've all been invited to the wedding of the season. Good thing they've got all of us as guests, as most of the characters seem to be members of the actual wedding party. Doesn't leave a lot of folks to fill out the pews. The wedding is part of a week-long party on Harper's Island, off the coast of Seattle. A week-long party? Don't any of these characters have jobs? Oh, sorry. They have names like Shea and Cal and Hunter, so of course they don't. We begin with a champagne party on the ferry in Seattle. The day is bright and sunny and nobody's wearing flannel or drinking coffee, so perhaps this is some other Seattle. After all, we didn't get any shots of the Space Needle; it's probably Seattle, Florida.
Our blushing bride, Trish gazes lovingly at her frog-faced groom, Henry. Trish's dad is vaguely sinister. MEANWHILE, Henry's friends are boozy, frat types, so you know they won't last long. MEANWHILE, Henry's lecherous uncle Marty arrives with a mariachi band (don't ask), and flirts with a blonde named Chloe, much to her British beau Cal's consternation. Hey, I thought we specifically requested fewer self-righteous Brits! I guess one's not too bad. Uncle Marty also takes a moment to adjourn to the restroom and shove a gun down the back of his pants. Couldn't he have done that before he left home? MEANWHILE, Trish's sister Shea wanders around, carping at her daughter, a creepy little brat named Madison. Oh, please make her the first victim. There's a swarm of other people, too, but none as important as Abby, who dithers in her cab.
Abby was childhood friends with Henry on Harper's Island, and is nervous about going back, as her mother was brutally murdered there several years back, along with several other people. Um, yeah. I know he's your friend, Abby, but maybe just send a card and a nice toaster. She ignores me, and boards the boat. MEANWHILE, some generic bridesmaids (one of whom has an honest-to-goodness purse dog) discuss the previous murders on Harper's Island, committed by a man named Wakefield. A dive-bombing bird interrupts their conversation, which I wish would happen more in real life. MEANWHILE, despite the fact that the most recent guests boarded, like, four seconds ago, Trish decides that they simply can't wait any longer for Cousin Ben to show up, and signals for the ferry to leave. MEANWHILE, we see what none of the guests can - Cousin Ben tied to the underside of the boat, a respirator in his mouth so he can breathe and observe his impending doom. The boat starts, the propeller whirls toward Ben, and one of those big blood bubbles comes up and bursts on the surface like a really gnarly zit. Ick. Good-bye, Cousin Ben! I'll never forget you!
The boat arrives at Harper's Island, where Abby runs into her old boyfriend, Jimmy the fishmonger. The guests head for the inn where they'll be the sole occupants for the week. Nobody carries any luggage. It must have been brought up by a fleet of servants a la Gosford Park or something. MEANWHILE, Abby thinks it'd be a swell idea to take a stroll through the woods and find the tree where she discovered her mother's corpse hanging from a branch. I'll bet Abby wrote a lot of bad poetry in eighth grade. She's surprised by Henry, who has followed her into the woods for no discernible reason. MEANWHILE, an unobserved shadowy figure watches them.
MEANWHILE, Cal, despite being a straight adult male, takes a bubble bath. He ponders an engagement ring, waffling over whether or not to pop the question to Chloe. He does not, preferring to pop some bubbles instead. Chloe's hair bothers me. MEANWHILE, Madison continues being a creepy brat by using a magnifying glass to torture a snail. Seriously. I know she's a minor, and thus off-limits, but think how much water cooler buzz this show would generate if they killed off the kid. Not to mention sparing us all a lot of irritation. Think about it, CBS. MEANWHILE, Jimmy bickers gently with his friend, and goes to help unstick the ferry's propeller, pulling a cord out, but nobody notices that detaching the cord also detaches Cousin Ben's head. Ew.
Trish keeps getting text messages from someone named Hunter Jennings, and MEANWHILE, Hunter is also busily sending e-mails to her sinister father. At a party that evening, Henry teleports around, simultaneously dancing with Trish, bonding with Abby, and pleading with his loser brother JD through JD's locked door. MEANWHILE, Hunter lures Trish out of the party and comes on to her, seeming surprised that she's pretty gung ho about this whole marriage thing. MEANWHILE, Uncle Marty is also kept busy, dancing with Chloe, then magically appearing outside in time to overhear Trish's sinister father plotting to bust up the wedding with Hunter. Uncle Marty vaguely threatens Trish's sinister father while they both smoke cigars, and why don't you just whip them out, already?
MEANWHILE, Trish whines to Shea that she doesn't know what to do, despite being madly in love with Henry. Shea duhs that maybe Trish might want to come clean with the man she plans to spend the rest of her life with, which makes Trish all pissy, because she's still warm for Hunter's form. MEANWHILE, Henry sends Abby into town to look for JD, somehow knowing that he's wandered off, despite not seeing him all evening. Abby heads for the local bar, which is in a small town, and thus is required by law to break out into a bar fight within three minutes. Abby barely has time to reconnect with old friends and flirt with Jimmy some more before said fight breaks out between JD and some yokel. The fight is broken up by the local sheriff, who turns out to be Abby's father. The two haven't spoken in some time, which is kind of assy of Abby.
MEANWHILE, Cal and Chloe wander down to the beach, where Chloe decides to be sexy by stripping off and running into the water. When Cal follows, Chloe screams and hides underwater so Cal will think she's drowned. I actually thought she had discovered Cousin Ben's head, but I guess she's just being "funny". Then when Cal doesn't find that trick adorable, and dunks her in retaliation, she becomes furious. Bitch. She runs back to the shore and tosses Cal's clothes into the water, where the engagement ring falls out of his pants pocket. He wails in despair, even though the past forty seconds should have made him want to ditch that ring as quickly as possible.
MEANWHILE, Trish and Henry have sex. After they're done, she goes to the bathroom, just in time for Henry to see an incoming message from Hunter on her phone. Trish suggests getting separate rooms until the wedding, to perpetuate the ridiculous myth that either of them is virginal or pure. Henry agrees, looking froggier than ever. MEANWHILE, Madison becomes even brattier and creepier, destroying Cousin Ben's unclaimed gift bag and standing over her sleeping mother, only to do her best twins-from-Shining impersonation when Shea wakes up. MEANWHILE, Uncle Marty wanders through the woods for no reason, and falls through a wooden bridge, getting stuck halfway. Someone approaches him from underneath, but doesn't respond to his calls for help. Instead, we hear some nasty metallic swiping sounds, and Uncle Marty cries out in pain (though not to any great extent, given what we're about to see). He manages to pull the gun out of his pants and fire downwards through the bridge, but it doesn't seem to have any effect. The metallic swipes continue and Uncle Marty eventually collapses. The camera pulls back to reveal that he's been bisected. Ewwwwwwwwww. You can't show a hard dick in an R-rated movie, but a human body cut in half on network television is peachy.
MEANWHILE, Abby discovers a newspaper clipping describing her mother's murder taped to her mirror. She is not pleased to find it.
Next week on Harper's Island: Someone dies. That's the point, isn't it? The promos promise that anyone can be a victim, showing shots of the other characters, including the purse dog. Fifi, no!
Overall Grade: B+
Did you ever read And Then There Were None, and think to yourself: "Well, this is pretty good, but I wish they'd more than double the amount of characters. And maybe make it a little grosser. And have fewer self-righteous British people." Well, your wish has been granted! CBS has given us a murder mystery show, a genre I find difficult to resist. So, let's jump in with both feet, shall we? I don't know half these people's names or their relation to the plot, but let's not let that stop us.
It seems we've all been invited to the wedding of the season. Good thing they've got all of us as guests, as most of the characters seem to be members of the actual wedding party. Doesn't leave a lot of folks to fill out the pews. The wedding is part of a week-long party on Harper's Island, off the coast of Seattle. A week-long party? Don't any of these characters have jobs? Oh, sorry. They have names like Shea and Cal and Hunter, so of course they don't. We begin with a champagne party on the ferry in Seattle. The day is bright and sunny and nobody's wearing flannel or drinking coffee, so perhaps this is some other Seattle. After all, we didn't get any shots of the Space Needle; it's probably Seattle, Florida.
Our blushing bride, Trish gazes lovingly at her frog-faced groom, Henry. Trish's dad is vaguely sinister. MEANWHILE, Henry's friends are boozy, frat types, so you know they won't last long. MEANWHILE, Henry's lecherous uncle Marty arrives with a mariachi band (don't ask), and flirts with a blonde named Chloe, much to her British beau Cal's consternation. Hey, I thought we specifically requested fewer self-righteous Brits! I guess one's not too bad. Uncle Marty also takes a moment to adjourn to the restroom and shove a gun down the back of his pants. Couldn't he have done that before he left home? MEANWHILE, Trish's sister Shea wanders around, carping at her daughter, a creepy little brat named Madison. Oh, please make her the first victim. There's a swarm of other people, too, but none as important as Abby, who dithers in her cab.
Abby was childhood friends with Henry on Harper's Island, and is nervous about going back, as her mother was brutally murdered there several years back, along with several other people. Um, yeah. I know he's your friend, Abby, but maybe just send a card and a nice toaster. She ignores me, and boards the boat. MEANWHILE, some generic bridesmaids (one of whom has an honest-to-goodness purse dog) discuss the previous murders on Harper's Island, committed by a man named Wakefield. A dive-bombing bird interrupts their conversation, which I wish would happen more in real life. MEANWHILE, despite the fact that the most recent guests boarded, like, four seconds ago, Trish decides that they simply can't wait any longer for Cousin Ben to show up, and signals for the ferry to leave. MEANWHILE, we see what none of the guests can - Cousin Ben tied to the underside of the boat, a respirator in his mouth so he can breathe and observe his impending doom. The boat starts, the propeller whirls toward Ben, and one of those big blood bubbles comes up and bursts on the surface like a really gnarly zit. Ick. Good-bye, Cousin Ben! I'll never forget you!
The boat arrives at Harper's Island, where Abby runs into her old boyfriend, Jimmy the fishmonger. The guests head for the inn where they'll be the sole occupants for the week. Nobody carries any luggage. It must have been brought up by a fleet of servants a la Gosford Park or something. MEANWHILE, Abby thinks it'd be a swell idea to take a stroll through the woods and find the tree where she discovered her mother's corpse hanging from a branch. I'll bet Abby wrote a lot of bad poetry in eighth grade. She's surprised by Henry, who has followed her into the woods for no discernible reason. MEANWHILE, an unobserved shadowy figure watches them.
MEANWHILE, Cal, despite being a straight adult male, takes a bubble bath. He ponders an engagement ring, waffling over whether or not to pop the question to Chloe. He does not, preferring to pop some bubbles instead. Chloe's hair bothers me. MEANWHILE, Madison continues being a creepy brat by using a magnifying glass to torture a snail. Seriously. I know she's a minor, and thus off-limits, but think how much water cooler buzz this show would generate if they killed off the kid. Not to mention sparing us all a lot of irritation. Think about it, CBS. MEANWHILE, Jimmy bickers gently with his friend, and goes to help unstick the ferry's propeller, pulling a cord out, but nobody notices that detaching the cord also detaches Cousin Ben's head. Ew.
Trish keeps getting text messages from someone named Hunter Jennings, and MEANWHILE, Hunter is also busily sending e-mails to her sinister father. At a party that evening, Henry teleports around, simultaneously dancing with Trish, bonding with Abby, and pleading with his loser brother JD through JD's locked door. MEANWHILE, Hunter lures Trish out of the party and comes on to her, seeming surprised that she's pretty gung ho about this whole marriage thing. MEANWHILE, Uncle Marty is also kept busy, dancing with Chloe, then magically appearing outside in time to overhear Trish's sinister father plotting to bust up the wedding with Hunter. Uncle Marty vaguely threatens Trish's sinister father while they both smoke cigars, and why don't you just whip them out, already?
MEANWHILE, Trish whines to Shea that she doesn't know what to do, despite being madly in love with Henry. Shea duhs that maybe Trish might want to come clean with the man she plans to spend the rest of her life with, which makes Trish all pissy, because she's still warm for Hunter's form. MEANWHILE, Henry sends Abby into town to look for JD, somehow knowing that he's wandered off, despite not seeing him all evening. Abby heads for the local bar, which is in a small town, and thus is required by law to break out into a bar fight within three minutes. Abby barely has time to reconnect with old friends and flirt with Jimmy some more before said fight breaks out between JD and some yokel. The fight is broken up by the local sheriff, who turns out to be Abby's father. The two haven't spoken in some time, which is kind of assy of Abby.
MEANWHILE, Cal and Chloe wander down to the beach, where Chloe decides to be sexy by stripping off and running into the water. When Cal follows, Chloe screams and hides underwater so Cal will think she's drowned. I actually thought she had discovered Cousin Ben's head, but I guess she's just being "funny". Then when Cal doesn't find that trick adorable, and dunks her in retaliation, she becomes furious. Bitch. She runs back to the shore and tosses Cal's clothes into the water, where the engagement ring falls out of his pants pocket. He wails in despair, even though the past forty seconds should have made him want to ditch that ring as quickly as possible.
MEANWHILE, Trish and Henry have sex. After they're done, she goes to the bathroom, just in time for Henry to see an incoming message from Hunter on her phone. Trish suggests getting separate rooms until the wedding, to perpetuate the ridiculous myth that either of them is virginal or pure. Henry agrees, looking froggier than ever. MEANWHILE, Madison becomes even brattier and creepier, destroying Cousin Ben's unclaimed gift bag and standing over her sleeping mother, only to do her best twins-from-Shining impersonation when Shea wakes up. MEANWHILE, Uncle Marty wanders through the woods for no reason, and falls through a wooden bridge, getting stuck halfway. Someone approaches him from underneath, but doesn't respond to his calls for help. Instead, we hear some nasty metallic swiping sounds, and Uncle Marty cries out in pain (though not to any great extent, given what we're about to see). He manages to pull the gun out of his pants and fire downwards through the bridge, but it doesn't seem to have any effect. The metallic swipes continue and Uncle Marty eventually collapses. The camera pulls back to reveal that he's been bisected. Ewwwwwwwwww. You can't show a hard dick in an R-rated movie, but a human body cut in half on network television is peachy.
MEANWHILE, Abby discovers a newspaper clipping describing her mother's murder taped to her mirror. She is not pleased to find it.
Next week on Harper's Island: Someone dies. That's the point, isn't it? The promos promise that anyone can be a victim, showing shots of the other characters, including the purse dog. Fifi, no!
Overall Grade: B+
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Jane on Hiatus
Hectic holidays + Exhausting work schedule + Helping a convalescing parent + Death in the family = No time or mental energy.
I'll still be watching Top Chef, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to take a break from writing about it. Check out the quality links at Blogging Top Chef - there are some funny people out there.
I'll still be watching Top Chef, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to take a break from writing about it. Check out the quality links at Blogging Top Chef - there are some funny people out there.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Eleven Chefs A Suckin'
Top Chef - Season 5, Episode 6
Happy Holidays from the cast and crew of Top Chef, all of whom do their best to whip up the Christmas spirit in August. Hanukkah doesn't rate a mention, which Hosea Rosenberg and Leah Cohen don't seem to mind.
The Quickfire is to create a quick holiday meal in one pot. Everyone manages the one-pot rule, though the holiday theme is quickly forgotten by everyone, including Padma and guest judge Martha Stewart. Jeff, Eugene, and Fabio fall to the bottom, but keep their gripes to interview, lest they draw the wrath of the convicted felon. Hosea, Jamie, and Ariane take the top three. Ariane wins yet another challenge, much to Jamie's consternation. She's sick of being second-best, though if she knew what the rest of the episode held, I think she'd be happy to remain there.
The Elimination Challenge involves making hors d'oeuvres for a large charity ball, hosted by guest judge Natasha Richardson. I guess Martha had to check in with her parole officer. The chefs pull knives to see which verse of The Twelve Days of Christmas must inspire their dish. Shopping and cooking ensues, but when the chefs come in the next day to do their final preparations, they discover that an overstuffed fridge has swung open, ruining Hosea and Radhika's food. There are a tense few minutes before a magical cornucopia of replacement food appears and a magical time extension gives Hosea and Radhika a chance to whip up something new. All the other chefs pitch in to help them get things done, which was nice to see.
The judges aren't especially impressed with anyone's food, though they manage to choose Hosea, Radhika, Stefan, and Jeff as the top contenders. Hosea wins the challenge, but he and Radhika make sure to spread the credit around. Also nice to see. Some of these people certainly have the potential to be assy, but look at this crew, and then think back to Season 2. Yeah. Jamie, Melissa, and Eugene fall to the bottom three. After the judges deliberate for a while, Ptom comes back to the Kitchen, rips everyone for making lackluster food, then announces that as a Christmas gift for all the goodwill the chefs have shown, nobody's getting eliminated. That, or eliminating someone after a challenge goes awry would be a breach of contract and would open them up to a lawsuit. Happy Holidays!
Happy Holidays from the cast and crew of Top Chef, all of whom do their best to whip up the Christmas spirit in August. Hanukkah doesn't rate a mention, which Hosea Rosenberg and Leah Cohen don't seem to mind.
The Quickfire is to create a quick holiday meal in one pot. Everyone manages the one-pot rule, though the holiday theme is quickly forgotten by everyone, including Padma and guest judge Martha Stewart. Jeff, Eugene, and Fabio fall to the bottom, but keep their gripes to interview, lest they draw the wrath of the convicted felon. Hosea, Jamie, and Ariane take the top three. Ariane wins yet another challenge, much to Jamie's consternation. She's sick of being second-best, though if she knew what the rest of the episode held, I think she'd be happy to remain there.
The Elimination Challenge involves making hors d'oeuvres for a large charity ball, hosted by guest judge Natasha Richardson. I guess Martha had to check in with her parole officer. The chefs pull knives to see which verse of The Twelve Days of Christmas must inspire their dish. Shopping and cooking ensues, but when the chefs come in the next day to do their final preparations, they discover that an overstuffed fridge has swung open, ruining Hosea and Radhika's food. There are a tense few minutes before a magical cornucopia of replacement food appears and a magical time extension gives Hosea and Radhika a chance to whip up something new. All the other chefs pitch in to help them get things done, which was nice to see.
The judges aren't especially impressed with anyone's food, though they manage to choose Hosea, Radhika, Stefan, and Jeff as the top contenders. Hosea wins the challenge, but he and Radhika make sure to spread the credit around. Also nice to see. Some of these people certainly have the potential to be assy, but look at this crew, and then think back to Season 2. Yeah. Jamie, Melissa, and Eugene fall to the bottom three. After the judges deliberate for a while, Ptom comes back to the Kitchen, rips everyone for making lackluster food, then announces that as a Christmas gift for all the goodwill the chefs have shown, nobody's getting eliminated. That, or eliminating someone after a challenge goes awry would be a breach of contract and would open them up to a lawsuit. Happy Holidays!
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Italian. Wedding. Soup.
Top Chef - Season 5, Episode 5
Ah, what could be better than being joined with your soulmate in wedded bliss? How about having a bridal shower and having your bosses pick up the tab? That shrewd Gail Simmons parlays her judge status into a free party by agreeing to have the chefs cater her bridal shower.
First, in the Quickfire, the chefs compete tournament style to see who can identify the most sauce ingredients. It's a very cool challenge, and Hosea emerges victorious.
Then, the chefs are split into four teams for the bridal shower challenge, and are tasked with finding inspiration in Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, or Something Blue. That old chestnut is tonight's theme. Well, actually, the theme is how assy Stefan is, as Jamie, Hosea, Jeff, Leah, Stefan's twice-ex-wife, or the editors would be happy to tell you. But the poem is the secondary theme, and it throws more than one contestant for a loop.
Teams Old (Jeff/Stefan/Hosea) and Borrowed (Jamie/Ariane/Radhika) ultimately land in the top two, with Ariane scoring a surprise and seemingly undeserved win, much to Jamie's chagrin. Teams New (Eugene/Daniel/Carla) and Blue (Melissa/Leah/Fabio) sink to the bottom. The former's dish is just a complete mess from top to bottom. Eugene makes conceptual mistakes and gunks up his rice, Daniel screws up Carla's portion of the dish, and Carla refuses to attack her teammates. Ptom considers all three of these things unforgivable, though I'll bet you can spot the one that doesn't belong. In the end, Daniel takes a walk for just not getting it, and tortures us with a never-ending sports metaphor on his way out.
Ah, what could be better than being joined with your soulmate in wedded bliss? How about having a bridal shower and having your bosses pick up the tab? That shrewd Gail Simmons parlays her judge status into a free party by agreeing to have the chefs cater her bridal shower.
First, in the Quickfire, the chefs compete tournament style to see who can identify the most sauce ingredients. It's a very cool challenge, and Hosea emerges victorious.
Then, the chefs are split into four teams for the bridal shower challenge, and are tasked with finding inspiration in Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, or Something Blue. That old chestnut is tonight's theme. Well, actually, the theme is how assy Stefan is, as Jamie, Hosea, Jeff, Leah, Stefan's twice-ex-wife, or the editors would be happy to tell you. But the poem is the secondary theme, and it throws more than one contestant for a loop.
Teams Old (Jeff/Stefan/Hosea) and Borrowed (Jamie/Ariane/Radhika) ultimately land in the top two, with Ariane scoring a surprise and seemingly undeserved win, much to Jamie's chagrin. Teams New (Eugene/Daniel/Carla) and Blue (Melissa/Leah/Fabio) sink to the bottom. The former's dish is just a complete mess from top to bottom. Eugene makes conceptual mistakes and gunks up his rice, Daniel screws up Carla's portion of the dish, and Carla refuses to attack her teammates. Ptom considers all three of these things unforgivable, though I'll bet you can spot the one that doesn't belong. In the end, Daniel takes a walk for just not getting it, and tortures us with a never-ending sports metaphor on his way out.
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