Leave it to Cleaver

Harper's Island - Season 1, Episode 5

Previously on Harper's Island: DEATH! MAYBE!

The morning after her drunken evening followed by her almost drowning, Trish walks around in a meltdown on the inn's lawn. I can't decide whether I'm relieved or miffed that we didn't see Trish wake up in a meltdown, shower in a meltdown, get dressed in a meltdown, and wander outside in a meltdown. Henry finds her, and beseeches her to calm down and take some time for herself. She says there's far too much to do with the wedding, but Sinister Dad appears and convinces her to hang out with him for a while. MEANWHILE, Abby wakes up in her clothes at Jimmy's place. She wakes up in her clothes a lot. Did she even pack pajamas? There's a knock at the door, and it turns out to be her father, who has breakfast plans with Jimmy. There's a lot of awkward avoidance of whether Abby and Jimmy knocked boots last night or not. I get that they're not anxious to talk about it, but it'd have been nice to let us in on a little information.

MEANWHILE, Trish and her dad take a leisurely bike ride through the woods. They chat about how little quality time they spend together, until that conversation is thankfully interrupted by Lucy's purse dog, whom Trish spots out of the corner of her eye. There's some very odd conversation about how they thought Lucy had left the island. Wait, why do they think that? Did someone send another fake text message? Wouldn't it strike them as weird that Lucy would leave before the wedding without even talking to someone face-to-face? Is this just a clumsily inserted line of dialogue to cover the fact that it's ridiculous that nobody's wondered where Lucy is for two days?

They decide to follow the purse dog, and are in a fairly jolly mood. Well, they are until their bikes set off a trip wire that springs a giant log trap. This murderer must have loved The Goonies. The log swings lower than you'd think, and smashes the bikes at wheel-level, rather than at human-head-level. It's enough to send Trish and her Sinister Dad sprawling to the ground. They're knocked out for a while, and are a bit banged up -- Trish has come down with a case of Twisted Ankle Cliche -- but manage to pull themselves together. Trish's cell phone has been smashed to bits, and Sinister Dad helps her hobble back towards the inn, notably passing a "NO TRESPASSING" sign.

MEANWHILE, Madison approaches JD and asks why he has "pictures" all over him. She declares them creepy, and JD tells her she's the one who's creepy. YES! Thank you! Someone finally said it! The two of them hatch a plot to set off a bunch of fireworks for attention. So JD is heavily inked, does drugs, and sets off explosives for attention. That nasty case of Cliche that Trish has come down with seems to be catching. Maggie corners Henry with pointless questions about tablecloths and napkin rings until they're startled by the fireworks exploding at their feet. Henry is upset, though you'd think he'd be grateful to escape the tedium of niggling wedding details. Also, I refuse to believe that Trish wouldn't have selected all of that stuff before-hand. What? Nitpicking tiny little plot holes is fun! Try it sometime!

MEANWHILE, Malcolm has unsettling dreams about Booth's death. He awakens to find forest detritus by his bed, clothes on Booth's bed, and the shower running in his bathroom. He creeps into the bathroom and rips the curtain back to find...nobody. Weird. He's surprised by Token Black (hereafter known as Danny), who has come in to ask about breakfast. Danny wonders where Booth has gotten to. Malcolm acts suspicious, and kicks the satchel of money further under his bed. Good hiding place, dude. Nobody would ever think to look there.

MEANWHILE, Abby, Jimmy, and the sheriff have a leisurely breakfast, giggling over the fact that the sheriff hated Jimmy back when he was dating Abby. He tells Abby he's got some of her stuff and some of her late mother's back at the house, so if she has time, she's welcome to come over and go through it. She waffles.

MEANWHILE, the groomsmen decide to look for Booth. Malcolm plays along. Madison stops by JD's room to see if he's up for more mayhem (for someone claiming to have spirits as friends, you'd think the creepy brat could come up with something better than the floating-candy-bar-in-the-pool gag). He blows her off, but not before they bond over the fact that both of their families have issues.

MEANWHILE, Trish and Sinister Dad hobble through the woods. Since they're alone, and have got nothing but time, they finally have it out over the fact that Sinister Dad doesn't like Henry. Sinister Dad says it comes down to him not trusting Henry, so Trish spills the beans about Katherine and Richard having an affair, though she tactfully leaves out all the sadomasochistic sex parts.

MEANWHILE, Henry is still under Maggie's thumb concerning the wedding details. Abby stops by long enough to recap everything we just saw at breakfast, but runs away before she can get pulled into selecting salad forks. Smart girl. Maggie hasn't been able to contact the reverend about the wedding rehearsal(for obvious reasons), so Henry says he'll go down to the church and take care of it. He leaves a message for Trish, hoping she'll get back soon, but soon has a more pressing concern. He arrives at the church to find a raccoon carcass on the altar, split down the middle and crawling with bugs. Ew.

MEANWHILE, Sinister Dad is moping that the affair makes him feel like a cliche. Oh, no! This Cliche Disease is spreading faster than Swine Flu! Just as Sinister Dad is about to explain the complications of his relationship with Katherine, Trish spots a figure in the woods. It doesn't look like anyone we've met. They call to him, asking if they can use his phone, and his response is to sic his attack dog on them. They hobble away as fast as they can, and manage to take cover in an abandoned truck. They are having a terrible morning. I'm glad Trish isn't the superstitious type, or this wedding would be so off.

MEANWHILE, Henry has summoned the sheriff to the church. They've finally figured out that the reverend is missing (lots of mail stacked up and unanswered messages), so the sheriff sends the deputy to check his house while he and Henry attend to the raccoon carcass. Malcolm is also in the woods, swearing to Booth's grave that he'll give Booth's share of the money to his mother and that he won't let Booth take any blame for what's happened. Oh, I guess Booth really is dead. Never mind all of my jabbering last week. Abby is also out and about, stopping by the sheriff's house. She leaves him a message, and lets herself in. Henry tells the sheriff about the deer in the bathtub, and admits his suspicions of Shane. Shane couldn't have pulled the raccoon trick, though, because he's still locked up for that whole attempting-to-murder-JD thing. They have a heart-to-heart about JD's issues, and about how happy the sheriff is that Henry decided to have the wedding on Harper's Island, since it's given him the chance to reconnect with Abby. Henry says it'll just take some time for Abby to get over her bad memories, including the ones the sheriff gave her. Ouch. Henry attempts a graceful exit by going to get the box of trashbags by the altar, and discovers a spent firecracker. Rut roh!

MEANWHILE, Sinister Dad and Trish hope they've out-waited the attack dog, and attempt to leave the truck. Sinister Dad arms himself with a convenient broken bottle, and climbs out. The dog is waiting on the roof of the truck, and immediately attacks. Sinister Dad stabs it to death with the bottle.

MEANWHILE, Abby has been wending her way through her dad's house, looking at pictures of her mom (who looks so much like Valerie Harper, that it may as well be Valerie Harper), digging through boxes of fugly sweaters, and eventually, climbing up into the attic, where she discovers a genuine Wall of Crazy. It seems the sheriff is obsessed not only with the Wakefield murders, but other similar murder sprees. When she hears her father return home, she hightails it out of the attic, but jars a file cabinet open in her haste. She manages to get downstairs in time to meet her father, who apologizes for the way he treated her seven years ago. She's far too distracted by his Wall of Crazy to care, and leaves to go blab about the whole thing to Jimmy.

MEANWHILE, Sinister Dad and Trish are being far too blase about the day they've had. They agree to table the whole Katherine/Richard thing until after the wedding. The purse dog comes to take stock of the dead attack dog, as does the creepy guy from the woods. Half of his face is covered in burn scars.

MEANWHILE, the groomsmen contend with the possibility that either Booth stole the money, or that whoever killed the guy on the boat found Booth, too. It's about time they started giving actual weight to the whole dead-body-on-a-boat thing. Malcolm breaks his promise and pretends to consider that Booth took the money and went to his mother's house. They all agree to table the matter until after the wedding. There's a lot of tabling going around. Maybe it's a side-effect of the Cliche Disease.

MEANWHILE, Trish and Henry reunite. The sheriff finds the open file cabinet, but is interrupted by a phone call from the deputy, who has found the reverend's hearing aid. Henry goes to ask Madison where JD is. She creepily brats something about having "lots of friends" on the island, and lies that she hasn't seen JD all day. Creepy brat. Henry berates her into telling him where JD is, which turns out to be...JD's room. Did Henry not think to look there? What a dink. Henry tells JD that he got the message at the church. JD says he doesn't know what Henry's talking about, which I believe. Too easy. Henry doesn't buy it, and tells JD that the two of them are finished, and he doesn't want to see JD again. JD doesn't have much of a problem with that, and smiles that he's got one more surprise for Henry that he thinks he'll really like. Yeeks.

MEANWHILE, the sheriff and deputy follow some tracks from the site of the hearing aid. Back at the Church of Awkwardness, Katherine is telling Sinister Dad she wishes they'd had a big church wedding (*wince*), the groomsmen are concocting a story to cover for the missing Booth (*wince*), and Blond Tool admits to Henry that he once tried to score with Trish, but got shot down (*wince*). Everyone else arrives, and Maggie takes over rehearsal duties for the reverend. The sheriff finds a line that leads into the water. At the Church of Awkwardness, people finally notice that others are missing. Lucy is still expected tomorrow (??), but the news of Booth's "family emergency" and Chloe's non-appearance are puzzling (*wince*). I guess they just didn't want to pay the actress who plays Chloe for sixty seconds of screentime this week. Shea talks to Trish about how happy her wedding day was (*wince*). Henry assures her that their relationship will be different than Shea and Richard's. One would hope. Leather whips and creepy children are expensive.

MEANWHILE, the sheriff begins tugging at the line. I clutch LabRat's arm, fully expecting something grosser to pop out of the water than the catfish the deputy suggests. The rehearsal begins. Madison comes down the aisle. At the back, Sinister Dad wishes Trish every happiness. Aw, he's gotten over his dislike of Henry! How nice of him to redeem himself before... Well...

The sheriff tugs the line. The wedding party assembles at the altar. Maggie summons Abby forward at the point where she'd do her Bible reading. Abby walks right in between Trish and Henry, which there's no way someone would do at a wedding. I'll let it go at the rehearsal. And speaking of letting things go...

The sheriff tugs the line. Body parts begin to emerge from the water. Maggie calls for Sinister Dad to approach and light the Unity candle. The sheriff pulls the reverend's head out of the water, complete with a fish-hook through the eye. Bleh. He attempts to call Abby (why she'd be first on the list is a mystery), but she turns her phone off in deference to the wedding rehearsal. Maggie asks for someone to turn off the lights. Since when do you hit the lights for the Unity candle? And speaking of hitting...

Abby runs to the back of the church to get the light switch. When she flips the switch, some gears begin to grind. We get a good look at the sharpened spade in the center of the chandelier hanging over the altar. So does Sinister Dad. Right before it splits him in the forehead.

Next week on Harper's Island: DEATH! THAT THE CHARACTERS ACTUALLY KNOW ABOUT!

Overall Grade: B