Shot in the Dark

Harper's Island - Season 1, Episode 4

Previously on Harper's Island: DEATH! Not to mention, a move to a DEATHLY timeslot on Saturdays.

Shea and Madison approach a psychic who's setting up to entertain the ladies at Trish's bachelorette party. Madison, who never passes up an opportunity to be a creepy brat, gets the job done. Shea slips the psychic a list of names and birthdays for horoscopal purposes. I can't wait to trademark "horoscopal". Madison hovers over the creepy cards in the deck, fortunately skipping over the cliche "Death" and heading straight for "The Tower". Well played, show. They talk about spirits and death and blah blah blah.

MEANWHILE, Abby is at the bar again, getting a recipe from Nikki to paste into a scrapbook as a wedding present. Thanks a lot, cheapskate. You make enough money to subsist as a writer in Los Angeles and you can't get an actual wedding present? No wonder a serial killer is after you. Jimmy enters, and flirts with Abby via the time-tested method of joking about how he has an STD. Hot.

MEANWHILE, Henry is somehow surprised to find Trish naked (save her diamond earrings, of course), even though the two of them have been having sex like clockwork since they arrived on the island. I mean, it's nice to see two people in love, but come up for air, guys. Some banter is exchanged about Henry's bachelor party, and then they have sex again. Enjoy it while you can! Bodies have to start surfacing at some point, and I doubt that'll put anyone but Chloe in a romantic mood.

MEANWHILE, Shea and Madison take their leave of the psychic, and Madison is yet again a creepy brat, prattling on about spirits and cradling the stolen Tower card in her hands. How is the psychic supposed to tell accurate fortunes now, brat? I suppose that's the last thing on the psychic's mind, because as she scans the list of female guests, she sees Abby's name, and immediately begins to drip blood from her nose. Funny how she didn't have a psychic reaction to Lucy, whose charred corpse is rotting in a pit somewhere.

MEANWHILE, Jimmy has a heart-to-heart with Abby, apologizing on behalf of Shane, expressing sympathy over Kelly's death, and hoping that Abby can still have a good time while she's on the island. Abby's hot for Jimmy, so she's more receptive to the whole "Woo! Fun on the island!" idea than a normal person would be after Kelly's murder and nearly getting filleted in Shane's shack.

MEANWHILE, Blond Tool describes his ideas for Henry's bachelor party to Token Black and Nerd (hereafter known as Booth). He says he's found a stripper for later, but she's a townie, so he hopes she'll have some actual teeth in her head. Henry shows up, and discovers that the guys have also planned to take him fishing, which he loves. This destination wedding is getting lamer by the second. Come, spend a week with us! We'll offer skeet-shooting and fishing! I think I'd rather save the vacation days. And hey, as an added bonus, I wouldn't be murdered! Blond Tool whips out the additional guest invited to the fishing party: An inflatable doll named Muffin. I guess if the stripper isn't hot, it's nice to have a Plan B. Malcolm (the other groomsman, who was awesome in that one episode of Dead Like Me, and will thus have brownie points with me forever) is inside, pitching his idea for a beer company to Sinister Dad and Richard. He asks for $100,000 in start-up costs to get the suds flowing.

MEANWHILE, Shea surprises Trish by unpacking their dead mother's tea set, and the two of them get to bonding over how they'll have a nice tea party as part of the bachelorette activities. Madison, who can spoil a moment like no other child, creepily brats her way into shattering one of the teacups. She insists she didn't do it. That will probably turn out to be true in some dumb, it-was-the-spirits kind of way. And yet... Shut the fuck up, Madison.

MEANWHILE, the groomsmen and Muffin are out fishing. Malcolm is depressed, because Richard vetoed the idea to loan him start-up money. Token Black spots some gulls hanging out at a certain patch of water, which signals lot of fish, so they head over. I'm skipping yet another Abby/Jimmy flirt scene. Consider their flirting understood now. They need to have sex or get in a fight or be murdered because this storyline is getting milked more than the Octomom. Henry gets a bite in the new fishing spot, and though I was convinced they were going to bring up Cousin Ben's head, it's actually a big ol' fish. For some odd reason, Blond Tool reacts as if it were Cousin Ben's head. He freaks out and jumps into the water, using Muffin as a flotation device. Handy. That pointlessness dealt with, the groomsmen spot Hunter's boat. And then, the weirdness, in which none of these people act like actual people would in real life.

They see the large spatters of blood first, so Booth horks over the side of the boat, as this is naturally the role of the Hypochondriac Nerd. Then, Malcolm sees the body and the satchel full of money. That's enough to lure him onto the other boat, where he reaches into the satchel and picks up the gun. Seriously, people. You come across a grisly death scene and intentionally spread your fingerprints all over a weapon there? He wants to swipe the money, and all anyone can think about is whether to take the money or report the crime. At not one single point do they wonder who the dead body is. I'm going to be extremely generous, and assume that the gun blast rendered Hunter unrecognizable, because otherwise, this is asinine. Still, they should at least be curious about who it is and what happened here. Henry moves to call the harbor-master, and Malcolm shoots a hole in the bottom of Hunter's boat, which causes Henry to change his mind and allow Malcolm to take the money instead. Huh? Huh?!?!

MEANWHILE, Trish approaches Sinister Dad and Madison, who are playing cards, and are no doubt having a rousing conversation about how to be as off-putting as possible. She wonders where Cougar Stepmom (hereafter known as Katherine) has wandered off to. Madison thinks she may be by the pool, which leads Trish to walk to the...basement? Wine cellar? I don't know, but it's certainly not a swimming pool. She hears a female voice whimpering, and follows it until she sees Katherine chained to the ceiling. She panics for a second until it becomes clear that this is more sadomasochistic sex between Katherine and Richard. Rut roh! Trish runs off. Hey, how did Richard and Katherine know that there was chain-people-to-the-ceiling equipment in the basement? Was it in the brochure?

MEANWHILE, I'm skipping yet another Jimmy/Abby flirt scene. Let's rejoin the groomsmen, who run into Cal on their way back into the inn. He babbles a bit about how much about fish he knows, and is clearly feeling a bit left out of the festivities. The groomsmen, understandably nervous, blow him off and head to the privacy of a room, where they dump their fish in the bathtub. Geez, these bathtubs are seeing a lot of non-bath action. I hope they're well-cleaned after all these people are dead. The groomsmen stare at the pile of money, a lot of which is extremely bloody. Good luck spending that. "Oh, this? Cut myself shaving. In the jugular vein." It adds up to $250,000, which works out to $50,000 per groomsman, assuming they don't turn the money in. Malcolm pulls Henry aside to basically beg for his share, saying he's completely broke. Henry promises to think about it. In fact, all of the groomsmen, rather than doing anything an actual person would do (take the money and hide it, turn it in, fight about what to do, etc.), decide to just table the matter and go enjoy the bachelor party. No, really. "Let's leave this bloody pile of cash behind and go have some beer!" HUH?!?!

MEANWHILE, Abby stops by the local paper to pick up a copy of an article about Henry catching a fish to paste in her lame scrapbook. At first, I was surprised that Harper's Island, which is apparently about the size of koi pond, needs its own local paper, but then I remembered that people are murdered regularly here, so it's probably necessary to keep abreast of everything. While she waits for her article, Abby sees a stack of articles about John Wakefield on the counter. The girl working there says that somebody requested all the information the paper had about him, but she isn't sure who. Abby takes her article and wanders out in a daze, almost getting run over by the psychic. She drops her lame scrapbook into a puddle, and it's pretty much ruined.

MEANWHILE, Trish runs to Henry and blubbers "Katherine and Richard..." before pulling him into a comforting hug. If I were Henry, I'd be like "Katherine and Richard what? Want to talk to me? Are hurt? Got into an argument? Are having sadomasochistic sex in the basement?" Henry, as with the bloody money, is completely disinterested, and content to just stand there and hug her. The ladies then gather for some bachelorette activity. Nobody gives a solitary thought to where Lucy might be. Not a one. Are there any humans on this island? Will the twist be that this is all an imaginary play in Madison's mind or some shit? Act like people! Katherine hands out pink hoodies with "Henry and Trish" embroidered on them, saying she had black ones made for the guys. Katherine has been watching too much Grease. The perky lady we see for all of three seconds in every episode (hereafter known as Maggie), interrupts Trish's pouting to pull her and Shea into the adjoining room, where they discover that someone has completely destroyed the rest of their mother's tea set. Aw. Shea is no fool, and immediately asks where Madison is. Yeah, no kidding, lady. Abby, still wearing her Pink Lady jacket, says she'll look for her, and soon finds her sitting with some of the smashed china, being her usual creepy, bratty self. She says that the spirits told her she's not going to get to be a flower girl. Unfortunately, we cut to commercial before someone can slap the shit out of her and send her to her room.

MEANWHILE, the groomsmen are finally realizing that whoops, they've tampered with a crime scene and taken a bunch of money that probably belongs to some unsavory characters. Welcome to Duuuuuuuuuuuuuhsville, gentlemen. And yet, they still manage to make dumb jokes about prison sex. When two burly guys with guns come into the bar, the groomsmen panic and dash out to the patio for a conference. Funny, my first thought on seeing the two burly guys was "Yum." But then, I haven't stolen anything from them. Henry and the groomsmen decide to hide the money until they figure out how to turn it in without being killed or arrested. Helpful thoughts to have. Two hours ago. They draw straws to determine who has to hide the cash, and after a stupid false start thanks to Blond Tool, it winds up being Booth.

MEANWHILE, the psychic is telling Trish's fortune. Trish is trashed, because every time someone says "Henry", they have to drink. Putting aside the fact that the fortunes would be off thanks to a missing card, Madison, the psychic tells Trish that she is going to be betrayed. Trish makes a veiled dig at Katherine, but the psychic intimates that the betrayer will be male, and oddly enough, also be Trish's savior.

MEANWHILE, as Booth wanders through the woods, because God forbid he hide the money in the inn itself, the guys (and Muffin) hang out at the local bar. They're there enough to have their names engraved on the stools. Blond Tool and Token Black chat about Malcolm, and how he's now calm enough to put aside his feelings about the money, and will soon join them to help Henry enjoy his party. Are you panicked or are you in party mode, freaks? Pick a mode, because you can't be in both. Cal dances dorkily by the jukebox. Richard mopes alone at a table. Henry approaches him, and tells him that Trish spilled the beans about the sadomasochistic sex in the basement. Richard is undisturbed, daring Henry to tell on him. It looks like he knows something we don't. Ooh, maybe he's being pimped out!

MEANWHILE, it's Abby's turn with the psychic. She hands over her mother's necklace, and Trish mists over about her own dead mother. Still no mention of Lucy, by the way. The psychic takes Abby's necklace, promptly freaks out, and flees the room. Trish takes this as an opportunity to get drunker. And speaking of drunk, Blond Tool is hanging over Henry talking about what a great day it's been. Yeah, awesome, what with the blood and gunshots and all. The two burly guys enter, looking for Blond Tool. Blond Tool pawns them off on Henry. I can see why he's best man; he's such a caring friend. The two burly guys ask Henry about the money. Not THE money. The money for the stripper. Because they're bouncers. Why the stripper can't collect her own money is beyond me. I guess because then we wouldn't have had scary guys with guns to suspect of shady dealings. We've already got those, and they're in the wedding party.

MEANWHILE, and speaking of which, Booth wanders through the woods. He hears someone approaching, and pulls the gun. It turns out to be Malcolm, who is "watching his back". Watching the greenback, is more like it. Booth lowers the gun in relief, and...accidentally shoots himself in the leg. This is why you don't give firearms to hypochondriac nerds. Actually, it isn't clear that that's what just happened. Someone could have shot him from the woods. He's in shock, and isn't even in pain, but is losing a lot of blood. That's another odd thing. That shit would hurt. Malcolm wants to run and get help, but Booth doesn't want to be left alone. Malcolm cradles him as blood spurts out of his leg.

MEANWHILE, the stripper strips. It turns out that Henry knew her when she was little. That's a fascinating story. After her pseudo-naughty-because-this-is-network-TV dance, she flirts with Cal, which makes Blond Tool jealous. Malcolm enters, and though he is visibly upset, lies about having seen Booth. Curious. Oh, and elsewhere, the psychic is accosting Abby and telling her to get her ass off the island, tout de suite. So Abby goes over to Jimmy's place for a nice hug. Yeah, that makes everything better.

MEANWHILE, Malcolm is back at the inn. He's got the satchel of money, but is a good enough guy to at least be sad about his dead friend, whose body is still lying in the woods, for all we know. I'm not sensing a long lifespan for Malcolm. Too bad. Chris Gauthier is a good actor. And what the hell is up with Booth, anyway? Is he dead or alive? Who shot him, if anyone? Could this be a fakeout? Nobody suspects the hypochondriac nerd, after all.

MEANWHILE, a drunken Trish spots Muffin floating in the pool, and falls in trying to pull her out. Alcohol and night swimming - it's a winning combination! She enjoys the refreshing water, until she notices that the automatic cover is closing. She nearly drowns, but is rescued at the last moment by Richard, who is able to revive her with CPR. One could almost call him her savior, no?

Next week on Harper's Island: DEATH!

Overall Grade: B-