The Hunter Becomes the Hunted

Harper's Island - Season 1, Episode 3

Previously on Harper's Island: DEATH!

We open this week's episode on members of the wedding party frolicking in the inn's swimming pool. Trish, Henry, Trish's Sinister Dad, and Richard (Shea's husband) pass the time skeet shooting. Some random bridesmaid named Beth says she's going to spend the day in the spa. Jeez, this inn really is all-inclusive. Henry chats with Richard about how much Trish's family sucks. That's not what he says, but it's what he means. Madison continues being a creepy brat. Sinister Dad's wife cougars around in the background. Someone slips Henry a note that spills the fact that Hunter Jennings is in town and staying at a local motel.

MEANWHILE, the sheriff and coroner are examining Kelly's body. The sheriff, seemingly suspicious already, wants the coroner to check thoroughly into whether it was suicide or not. They pry Kelly's eyelids open to see that her eyes are literally covered in red liquid, ostensibly blood. Ew. The coroner tuts-tuts about kids these days and tattoos, and why don't you just offer us all a Werther's Original Butterscotch, grandpa? We return from the commercial just in time to see him take a sample of the red liquid with a needle. Eeeeeew. He confirms that Kelly had sex shortly before she died, but there's not much mystery there.

MEANWHILE, back at the pool, the groomsmen talk about the loud sex Cal and Chloe had all night. Dude, Cal was hanging upside down for hours. And that was before the sex. Ba dum bump! He's in no condition to pork his girlfriend. The Blond Tool (Sully, but I'm going to stick with Blond Tool for now), can't believe that Chloe is actually into her boyfriend, despite the fact that she shot down his oh-so-smooth graveyard pickup line, and the fact that she's been having monkey sex with Cal all night. Pick up the hint, ass. He doesn't. Instead, he swims over to the couple and offers an insincere apology to Cal for abandoning him in the forest. Cal ignores him.

MEANWHILE, the sheriff talks to Abby about Kelly. They agree that she wasn't suicidal, but given that it's them, they can't even agree without getting into a pointless fight. The sheriff asks if Abby knows of anyone else that was hanging around Kelly, and although Abby clearly saw JD wandering around in Kelly's place, she lies and says she doesn't know anything.

MEANWHILE, Hunter nags Trish some more. She's still unreceptive. Thus concludes the four-hundredth time we've seen this same exact conversation. On the plus side, we at least get a tiny bit of additional information in that Trish accidentally reveals to Hunter that her Sinister Dad is double-crossing him.

MEANWHILE, Abby goes to JD's room to tell him about Kelly's death. His response? "That's weird." I guess Henry's plea for JD to be less of a depressive Froot Loop didn't take. He does open up enough to tell Abby he doesn't know what could have happened to Kelly, and that she seemed in good spirits when they were fucking. Always a plus. MEANWHILE, Richard and Cougar Stepmother have sadomasochistic sex. Kinky! MEANWHILE, Beth and Shea are admiring Trish in her wedding dress. Shouldn't Beth be at the spa? And shouldn't someone be wondering where Lucy is? Beth intercepts a message from Hunter on Trish's phone. She's got to stop leaving that thing lying around. Beth snarks that back in college, Trish may have said she wanted Hunter gone, but her body gave out other signals. Trish says she's dealing with it. This plotline bores me. Will someone kill one of the principal members of it, please?

MEANWHILE, Richard and Cal talk about how weird it is that someone as wimpy and wan as Cal landed someone like Chloe. This is how we know this takes place in TV Land, because Cal's perfectly fine-looking, and Chloe isn't all that. Cal worriedly watches Blond Tool attempt to chat Chloe up yet again. He and Hunter should start a Take The Hint, Dumbass - She's Not Interested club. Shouldn't Richard be having nasty sex with Cougar Stepmom right now? These characters sure like to teleport.

MEANWHILE, Henry stops by Hunter's motel, and charms the desk lady into handing over a key to Hunter's room. He searches it, and finds out that Sinister Dad has been paying for Hunter's oh-so-intricate Nag Trish Into Calling Off the Wedding plan. Hunter returns to the room, and Henry hides in the closet until it's safe to make his escape. MEANWHILE, in the spa, Blond Tool allows the attendant to cover him with sticky goo while Chloe watches. They flirt with each other. This scene is fucked up in about a hundred ways. And where's Beth? The attendant puts cucumber slices on Blond Tool's eyes, which allows Cal to sneak in and dump pillow feathers all over him. This island is certainly full of mysteries. Like where someone got their hands on a down-filled pillow, which haven't been around since the days of Donna Reed. Blond Tool jumps up and chases Cal out, past a giggling Chloe, who was in on the prank. The guys run past the other groomsmen (and Sinister Dad), who are...waiting for their turn to be covered in goo? What is going ON on this island? Murderer? A little help, please?

MEANWHILE, someone runs down JD with a red truck. Now, who do we know who owns one of those? Abby stops by the sheriff's office. He's got a picture of her on his desk. She's not smiling. Couldn't he have picked a shot that makes him a little happier? Maybe one from the good old days before his wife got slaughtered? The two talk, and once again agree that Kelly probably didn't commit suicide. Abby snaps at him for not investigating more, and if she's so het up about justice being served, maybe she shouldn't have lied to him about not seeing anyone hanging around her the day of her death. Shane's name comes up, because Kelly used to date him, broke his heart, and because Shane's name should always come up when something horrible happens.

The sheriff teleports over to Shane's place. Shane is typically unhelpful, and when the sheriff leaves, we see that Shane has JD bound and gagged in his truck. Abby, following in her father's footsteps, teleports over to talk to Nikki, the bar manager who discovered Kelly's body. They talk about Kelly and Shane's bad breakup, and they wonder why Kelly never got a restraining order against him. Because nothing on the island is 500 feet from anything else? And yet there are still two and a half bodies, two heads, and a purse dog lying around undiscovered.

MEANWHILE, Hunter confronts Sinister Dad about being sold out to Trish. Sinister Dad says that he had to lie to avoid both of them being discovered. Hunter, perhaps finally realizing that his plan to cajole Trish into dumping her fiancee isn't working, says he'll leave Trish alone and take off for good if Sinister Dad forks over another $50,000. Yeah, blackmailing someone sinister on Murder Island is pretty much in line with Hunter's intellect. MEANWHILE, someone slips Trish a note purporting to be from Hunter, and asking her to come to one of the inn's rooms to work things out. Yawn. Why isn't anyone dying?

MEANWHILE, Abby is really Nancy Drewing her way around this episode. Where's her lesbian friend with the fat, blond cousin? Abby teleports over to Shane's place, and discovers JD, still gagged, and with a noose around his neck, standing on a chair. Shane catches her, of course. He brandishes a knife in her direction. MEANWHILE, Trish timidly makes her way to the room that the note summoned her to. At the last minute, she reconsiders her engagement ring, and doesn't enter. Good thing for her, because it is Henry, not Hunter, who waits within. MEANWHILE, Abby babbles to Shane about John Wakefield and swears that Kelly didn't commit suicide so he won't kill her (or JD, whom I guess he blames for the "suicide"). Shane actually uses the word "daft", which I refuse to believe he'd ever say. Their insane conversation gives the sheriff enough time to bust in, though I don't think Abby knew he was there. A surprised Shane drops the knife and accidentally knocks JD off the chair. Whoops. He begins to choke, but Abby grabs the knife and cuts him down.

Later that night, there's some sort of special dinner. I can't imagine it's the rehearsal dinner, because the priest would have to be at the rehearsal, and... Well, you know. And really, someone ought to have missed Lucy by this point. Henry confronts Sinister Dad (that's happening a lot tonight - poor Sinister Dad), saying that he knows what he and Hunter planned, and that it's not going to work. Abby and her dad finally make some headway into not bickering every time they speak. MEANWHILE, Cal offers an insincere apology to Blond Tool, who gets all mad (especially when the rest of the groomsmen make fun of him), but is held in check by Henry, who points out that he and Cal are even now. Hunter walks directly into the party. Isn't his presence on the island supposed to be a secret to everyone but Trish and her Sinister Dad (and now Henry)? What is he doing walking right into the party? He's there to send a threatening text message to Sinister Dad about the blackmail money, but he could have done that from anywhere. Why blow his cover? Oh, because he's Hunter, and Hunter is indescribably stupid.

Henry makes a toast which sounds rather charming, but is really a veiled challenge to Sinister Dad. Sinister Dad has more pressing things on his mind, as he walks outside and hands a check to Hunter, warning him to never talk to Trish again. Hunter hops in a speedboat and gets ready to leave. MEANWHILE, the sheriff is exploring Kelly's place. With a flashlight, of course, because God forbid someone on television ever turn the goddamned lights on. He discovers a very creepy figure of a bear, with eyes as red as Kelly's were. MEANWHILE, Hunter finds a satchel in the boat. It's crammed with money and a gun. MEANWHILE, the coroner calls the sheriff, and reports that the substance found in Kelly's eyes was not blood, but red ink. The sheriff is disturbed, especially when he finds a newspaper clipping that has a picture of him, with the eyes colored in red. A note is scrawled across it that reads "YOU FOUND HER, NOW FIND ME". Yeeks. MEANWHILE, Hunter's boat dies. Guess who's not far behind? Yes, when Hunter yanks open the engine compartment, a double-barreled shotgun -- in fact, one of the very skeet-shooting weapons we saw at the beginning of the episode -- pops up and blows him away. Yaaaaaaaaay! No more tedious "Trish, whyyyyyyyy don't you leeeeeeeave Henry for meeeeeeeee?" scenes! Thank you, murderer!

Next week on Harper's Island: DEATH!

Overall Grade: C+