Harper's Island - Season 1, Episode 1
Did you ever read And Then There Were None, and think to yourself: "Well, this is pretty good, but I wish they'd more than double the amount of characters. And maybe make it a little grosser. And have fewer self-righteous British people." Well, your wish has been granted! CBS has given us a murder mystery show, a genre I find difficult to resist. So, let's jump in with both feet, shall we? I don't know half these people's names or their relation to the plot, but let's not let that stop us.
It seems we've all been invited to the wedding of the season. Good thing they've got all of us as guests, as most of the characters seem to be members of the actual wedding party. Doesn't leave a lot of folks to fill out the pews. The wedding is part of a week-long party on Harper's Island, off the coast of Seattle. A week-long party? Don't any of these characters have jobs? Oh, sorry. They have names like Shea and Cal and Hunter, so of course they don't. We begin with a champagne party on the ferry in Seattle. The day is bright and sunny and nobody's wearing flannel or drinking coffee, so perhaps this is some other Seattle. After all, we didn't get any shots of the Space Needle; it's probably Seattle, Florida.
Our blushing bride, Trish gazes lovingly at her frog-faced groom, Henry. Trish's dad is vaguely sinister. MEANWHILE, Henry's friends are boozy, frat types, so you know they won't last long. MEANWHILE, Henry's lecherous uncle Marty arrives with a mariachi band (don't ask), and flirts with a blonde named Chloe, much to her British beau Cal's consternation. Hey, I thought we specifically requested fewer self-righteous Brits! I guess one's not too bad. Uncle Marty also takes a moment to adjourn to the restroom and shove a gun down the back of his pants. Couldn't he have done that before he left home? MEANWHILE, Trish's sister Shea wanders around, carping at her daughter, a creepy little brat named Madison. Oh, please make her the first victim. There's a swarm of other people, too, but none as important as Abby, who dithers in her cab.
Abby was childhood friends with Henry on Harper's Island, and is nervous about going back, as her mother was brutally murdered there several years back, along with several other people. Um, yeah. I know he's your friend, Abby, but maybe just send a card and a nice toaster. She ignores me, and boards the boat. MEANWHILE, some generic bridesmaids (one of whom has an honest-to-goodness purse dog) discuss the previous murders on Harper's Island, committed by a man named Wakefield. A dive-bombing bird interrupts their conversation, which I wish would happen more in real life. MEANWHILE, despite the fact that the most recent guests boarded, like, four seconds ago, Trish decides that they simply can't wait any longer for Cousin Ben to show up, and signals for the ferry to leave. MEANWHILE, we see what none of the guests can - Cousin Ben tied to the underside of the boat, a respirator in his mouth so he can breathe and observe his impending doom. The boat starts, the propeller whirls toward Ben, and one of those big blood bubbles comes up and bursts on the surface like a really gnarly zit. Ick. Good-bye, Cousin Ben! I'll never forget you!
The boat arrives at Harper's Island, where Abby runs into her old boyfriend, Jimmy the fishmonger. The guests head for the inn where they'll be the sole occupants for the week. Nobody carries any luggage. It must have been brought up by a fleet of servants a la Gosford Park or something. MEANWHILE, Abby thinks it'd be a swell idea to take a stroll through the woods and find the tree where she discovered her mother's corpse hanging from a branch. I'll bet Abby wrote a lot of bad poetry in eighth grade. She's surprised by Henry, who has followed her into the woods for no discernible reason. MEANWHILE, an unobserved shadowy figure watches them.
MEANWHILE, Cal, despite being a straight adult male, takes a bubble bath. He ponders an engagement ring, waffling over whether or not to pop the question to Chloe. He does not, preferring to pop some bubbles instead. Chloe's hair bothers me. MEANWHILE, Madison continues being a creepy brat by using a magnifying glass to torture a snail. Seriously. I know she's a minor, and thus off-limits, but think how much water cooler buzz this show would generate if they killed off the kid. Not to mention sparing us all a lot of irritation. Think about it, CBS. MEANWHILE, Jimmy bickers gently with his friend, and goes to help unstick the ferry's propeller, pulling a cord out, but nobody notices that detaching the cord also detaches Cousin Ben's head. Ew.
Trish keeps getting text messages from someone named Hunter Jennings, and MEANWHILE, Hunter is also busily sending e-mails to her sinister father. At a party that evening, Henry teleports around, simultaneously dancing with Trish, bonding with Abby, and pleading with his loser brother JD through JD's locked door. MEANWHILE, Hunter lures Trish out of the party and comes on to her, seeming surprised that she's pretty gung ho about this whole marriage thing. MEANWHILE, Uncle Marty is also kept busy, dancing with Chloe, then magically appearing outside in time to overhear Trish's sinister father plotting to bust up the wedding with Hunter. Uncle Marty vaguely threatens Trish's sinister father while they both smoke cigars, and why don't you just whip them out, already?
MEANWHILE, Trish whines to Shea that she doesn't know what to do, despite being madly in love with Henry. Shea duhs that maybe Trish might want to come clean with the man she plans to spend the rest of her life with, which makes Trish all pissy, because she's still warm for Hunter's form. MEANWHILE, Henry sends Abby into town to look for JD, somehow knowing that he's wandered off, despite not seeing him all evening. Abby heads for the local bar, which is in a small town, and thus is required by law to break out into a bar fight within three minutes. Abby barely has time to reconnect with old friends and flirt with Jimmy some more before said fight breaks out between JD and some yokel. The fight is broken up by the local sheriff, who turns out to be Abby's father. The two haven't spoken in some time, which is kind of assy of Abby.
MEANWHILE, Cal and Chloe wander down to the beach, where Chloe decides to be sexy by stripping off and running into the water. When Cal follows, Chloe screams and hides underwater so Cal will think she's drowned. I actually thought she had discovered Cousin Ben's head, but I guess she's just being "funny". Then when Cal doesn't find that trick adorable, and dunks her in retaliation, she becomes furious. Bitch. She runs back to the shore and tosses Cal's clothes into the water, where the engagement ring falls out of his pants pocket. He wails in despair, even though the past forty seconds should have made him want to ditch that ring as quickly as possible.
MEANWHILE, Trish and Henry have sex. After they're done, she goes to the bathroom, just in time for Henry to see an incoming message from Hunter on her phone. Trish suggests getting separate rooms until the wedding, to perpetuate the ridiculous myth that either of them is virginal or pure. Henry agrees, looking froggier than ever. MEANWHILE, Madison becomes even brattier and creepier, destroying Cousin Ben's unclaimed gift bag and standing over her sleeping mother, only to do her best twins-from-Shining impersonation when Shea wakes up. MEANWHILE, Uncle Marty wanders through the woods for no reason, and falls through a wooden bridge, getting stuck halfway. Someone approaches him from underneath, but doesn't respond to his calls for help. Instead, we hear some nasty metallic swiping sounds, and Uncle Marty cries out in pain (though not to any great extent, given what we're about to see). He manages to pull the gun out of his pants and fire downwards through the bridge, but it doesn't seem to have any effect. The metallic swipes continue and Uncle Marty eventually collapses. The camera pulls back to reveal that he's been bisected. Ewwwwwwwwww. You can't show a hard dick in an R-rated movie, but a human body cut in half on network television is peachy.
MEANWHILE, Abby discovers a newspaper clipping describing her mother's murder taped to her mirror. She is not pleased to find it.
Next week on Harper's Island: Someone dies. That's the point, isn't it? The promos promise that anyone can be a victim, showing shots of the other characters, including the purse dog. Fifi, no!
Overall Grade: B+
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