Seventh Inning Retch

Top Chef - Season 7, Episode 11

Previously on Top Chef: Enough intrigue and espionage to keep Harriet M. Welsch happy for a long time. Frozen puff pastry continued its reign as some sort of Harry Potterish cursed object, nearly bringing Angelo down. Tiffany swept the challenges, while Alex kept a stiff upper lip on his way out the door. Six chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. It was the Week of Rapidly Disintegrating Ingredients in our apartment, so I made some banana bread before the scent of overripe fruit could completely take over, and LabRat yanked some of the final tomatoes from the garden to make salsa. Both were well-received, though nothing could compete with the summer sausage Timiffany laid out. That was one tasty pig. Hop on board for Drinking Game Rule #11: Take a drink for every horrible wordplay phrase or pun that Ptom utters. Including the one revisited in the "Previously on" segment. DRINK!

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Angelo is hitting all the usual stops of people trying to encourage success without doing the heavy lifting. We zoom through mantras, prayer, and motivational speeches. Not to say that Angelo doesn't put the work in. I just think it would take less time to examine your choices and try to avoid poor decisions, rather than set up a shrine to Mario Batali in your closet. The only other thing you need to know? Ed prancing around the house wearing Tiffany's dress. The shocking thing is that it fits pretty darn well.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma and this week's guest judge, Rick Moonen. He's familiar to us as a Top Chef: Masters contestant, and nobody at the viewing party likes him. How's that for a quick bio? Padma must have traveled through time to hear me whining about how bad the cliches and puns are on this show, and starts spewing food idioms one after the other just to twist the knife. Or maybe those food idioms are the basis for this week's challenge. Whichever. The chefs will each select a saying that incorporates food and cook a dish using that very food. Meh. In essence, all the challenge is asking is: "Pick an ingredient. Make a dish with it." The idioms have little to do with the actual cooking. What does have an effect is that the winning dish will be incorporated into a line of frozen foods. The picking order is randomly determined via knife pull:

Kevin - "Bringing Home the Bacon"
Amanda - "The Big Cheese"
Kelly - "Sour Grapes"
Ed - "Hot Potato"
Tiffany - "Spill the Beans"
Angelo - "Bigger Fish to Fry"

The chefs have an hour to put their dishes together, and Padma starts the countdown. Everyone scatters. Amanda decides to make macaroni and cheese, saying that a good version of it would certainly be welcome in the frozen food aisle. I can't argue with that. Ed certainly does. He interviews that she's just been lucky to have lasted as long as she has, because she's sloppy and has no technique. I seem to have a temporary case of Mother Hen Syndrome, because that struck me as unnecessarily harsh. Even if it's true. Angelo calls her a "dark horse", implying she'll sneak right by you if you underestimate her. Tiffany opens a can of beans, saying that cooking dried beans would take too long. Angelo and Ed dash around the Kitchen, giving Kelly a chance to tout her own organization and calm. Last minute panic strikes everyone else, and a mad dash to get everything plated ensues. Time runs out, and Rick and Padma go down the line.

Ed has made herb and roasted garlic gnocchi with spring vegetables and a mushroom fricassee. Tiffany wants to play up her fish skills for Rick, and has made pan-seared cod over stewed beans, Swiss chard, bacon, and carrots. Kevin has made bacon three ways: bacon puree, chopped bacon with snap peas, and a bacon froth with a poached egg on top. Tasty as that sounds, there are major problems here, and Angelo echoes the viewing party's sentiments when he says that Kevin did not consider the challenge parameters when making his dish. I'd take it back even further and say that he didn't consider the challenge parameters when choosing his ingredient. Bacon is one of the most delicious things on the planet, but it's not something you go hunting for in the frozen food aisle. And if there was one thing to make bacon even more inappropriate for a frozen meal, it's to feature foam and a poached egg. I'm guessing the last time you were strolling past the Totino's Party Pizzas you weren't thinking to yourself, "You know, what I really want to pop in the oven is a frozen poached egg and reconstituted bacon bubbles."

Kelly has made pan-roasted chicken breast, and serves it with caramelized Brussels sprout leaves, golden raisins, and a red grape sauce. Angelo has chili-crusted tilapia satay, with an Asian tartar sauce, sambal, and Sriracha. Sounds like spicy on top of spicy on top of spicy. Angelo tries to quickly outline his complicated procedure for breading his fish in cornstarch to get a glutenous coating. Rick has no feedback. Amanda's macaroni and cheese includes three cheeses, bacon, mushrooms, and jalapenos. To each his own, but for this mushroom-hater, she's just ruined a classic. For no reason that I can think of, she's also cooked a pork chop to serve alongside the mac and cheese.

Results. First in the bottom two is Kelly, whose grapes did not meld well with Brussels sprouts. The only thing that melds well with Brussels sprouts is a trashcan. Amanda's mac and cheese was far too heavy. She disagrees in interview, saying that she can usually get behind the judges' critiques of her food, but not in this case. On the plus side, Kevin's dish featured bacon in a nice, light way. Ed's gnocchi was well-thought and well-executed. For all the reasons discussed above, the winner is pretty much a foregone conclusion, and indeed, Ed takes the challenge. Angelo takes a little shot at him in interview, saying that Ed will look good on the packaging, since he kind of looks like a potato. I've been talking about Potato Faces in movies and on TV for years, but can't ever articulate what I mean. To paraphrase a more well-known quote: I may not be able to define Potato Face, but I know it when I see it.

Elimination Challenge. This one makes a lot more sense than the Quickfire. The chefs will be going to the Nationals' stadium to make fine dining versions of concession stand food. Rather than serving hordes of fans (except...well, you'll see), the dishes will be served during the pre-game. The chefs think the challenge sounds like grand fun, until Padma tells them that although they'll be presenting six dishes, they'll all be working together as one team. Faces fall. Amanda recalls the chaos of putting together a menu the last time everyone had to work together. Of course, Kenny's not around to crow about being such an awesome alpha male anymore, so theoretically, there should be a lot less dick measuring this time around. Let's find out.

Padma gives the chefs fifteen minutes to plan. Tiffany gets on my nerves for the first time when she whines about Kelly having the audacity to... Are you ready? Talk a lot during the brainstorming session. I really don't understand where all of the anti-Kelly sentiment springs from in this household. Sure, she can be a little supercilious, but not to the degree that other people should be this upset over it. In fact, this complaint comes in the middle of Kelly's very intelligent idea that the menu doesn't have to be cohesive, but should have variety, lest the judges tear into them for not collaborating enough. Amanda hops on board with Tiffany, saying that Kelly's always thinking about herself. Yeah, Kelly. Why can't you just consider Amanda's feelings, and let her win the season? It's not like you're competing against her or anything. I've said before that being in a competition doesn't excuse you for being a dick, but the flip side applies as well. You should be respectful of your competitors, but that doesn't preclude you from doing your level best to beat them. In other words, I'm sure you're a lovely person, but you just landed on my Marvin Gardens hotel. Pay up, please.

In the end, it's decided that as long as nobody's dish is too similar to anyone else's, it's pretty much everyone for themselves. Sounds good to me. The chefs split their $2000 budget up and head for the store. Angelo dithers over buns. Wow, I'll never need that sentence again, ever. Amanda wants to "make a statement" by making tuna tartare. Well, I'm sure she'll be successful if the statement she wants to make is "Please avoid my food at all costs." Hey, I love tuna tartare. Just not when it's been sitting in the open air for hours. Kevin agrees with me, saying it's "not baseball food". I'm not sure we should be running to someone who just screwed up the notion of "frozen food" for semantic arguments, but I can't fault him on this one.

Later, the chefs get to the Kitchen for three hours of prep time. Angelo worries, because the pork he's cooking needs two and half hours to braise. Better get hopping then, Sparky. Tiffany decides to emulate a booth at the Texas state fair that serves sausage and peppers, and works on rolling up a gazillion meatballs. Amanda chops up her tuna in advance, not wanting to do a temperature-sensitive technique in a kitchen she has yet to see. One wonders where this methodical thinking process was when she was conceiving her dish. Ed and Kevin complain about Amanda going to Angelo for advice about putting her tuna through a meat grinder. If I were more kindly disposed, I'd agree that putting faith in Angelo's ideas sure didn't do Tamesha any good, but they're on a single team, all she's asking about is grinding tuna meat, and you two sound like naggy tools. Huh. I guess that Mother Hen Syndrome has evaporated.

Ed has to make more than five hundred shrimp and corn poppers, and is racing to get done on time. He runs around the Kitchen, hysterically snapping at Tiffany and crashing into racks of pans, making for a very comedic off-screen sound effect. Angelo ribs him for being a Tasmanian devil that runs around the Kitchen, and somehow manages to avoid being struck by lightning. Ed manages to finish with just a few seconds to spare. That night at the house, the chefs realize that there will be no waitstaff to rudely order around this time. They'll have to serve the food themselves. That leads to some logistical problems, since nobody knows if plates will just be set out, or they'll have to take individual orders. Kelly worries aloud that she has to cook her crabcakes in batches, so she's not sure how taking orders can work. Angelo calls her "strategical". Really, Dubya? Is she part of a "nucular" family, too? Kevin shrugs that they really can't make any decisions until they see what they have to work with, and Angelo unwisely responds with "I'll do it." That's all Kevin has to hear to completely abdicate himself from any responsibility or problems having to do with service.

Nationals Park. The chefs arrive at the narrow little concession kitchen and get an hour to finish up their food. Kevin tells us that Angelo is in charge of taking orders, but that he doesn't really trust him. Well pick one, you whiny baby. You can be happy that Angelo gets to deal with all the service issues and you get to avoid them, or you can be happy that you don't trust him to do a good job and he'll screw up in front of the judges. You don't get to sit there and complain that someone isn't doing a good enough job of shooting himself in the foot. God, what it is about Kevin? He isn't the most objectionable contestant we've ever seen -- not by a long shot. In fact, he's pretty middle-of-the-road; no more interesting than, say, Nikki. But every time he opens his mouth, I just want to shove a grapefruit in it.

Phooey: "Damn, there sure are a lot of bitches this season."

The chefs do their best to find the space and equipment they need. Angelo realizes what a mistake he made the previous evening. He's only now figuring out that he can't take/deliver orders and plate his food. Of course, having someone else plate his food isn't an option because they might intentionally screw him over. How, I don't know. Arrange his pork unattractively? Stiff the judges on sauce? Angelo attempts to wriggle out of his lackluster commitment by handing out order pads so other chefs can take orders, and Kevin immediately shuts him down. He interviews that no matter what type of restaurant you work in, attempting to have everyone handle both service and cooking leads to a completely dysfunctional situation. He somehow manages to be entirely correct, and yet is still such a dick about it that I want to defend Angelo. I won't, but I have to admit the impulse was there. They finally cobble together a system of who's going to cook, who's going to plate, and who's going to serve. Once it's all settled, Ed tells Angelo he's changed his mind, and can't help him out anymore. "Are you joking?" Angelo says with horror. "Yeah," Ed responds. Ha! Nice one. Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste with some of the Nationals players. There's that one guy, that other guy, and that other other guy.

Kender: "Don't worry that you've never heard of any of them. They're the Nationals."

The players wander around the tight space, inspecting the food, chatting with the chefs, and just generally getting in the way. The chefs are relieved when they finally leave. Kelly is concerned that her bacon might make her crabcake sandwich too salty, and that the judges will disapprove of serving it open-faced. There's nothing she can really do about it now, though, and she just hopes for the best. Speaking of which, Amanda notices that the laws of chemistry do not suspend themselves for her, and the tuna that's been sitting in the open air is oxidizing and losing all its color. Angelo declines to help (in interview), though he knows some secrets for improving her food. Tiffany is more upstanding, and offers some helpful critiques of Kevin's chicken skewer. She doesn't want anyone to be eliminated based on something she's done, said, or hasn't said. Good for her. A slapdash menu is hung above the counter. Ed is passive-aggressive about Angelo taking up some space, and Angelo offers a terse suggestion that they just find a solution without all the petty bitching. Time winds down. Hungry patrons swarm in.

Service begins. Angelo calls out orders. Kelly and Tiffany's dishes are immediately pegged as crowd favorites. They're thrilled to be so popular. The baseball players return to get one of each dish so they can help judge. I'd worry that all this fried food won't do their game any favors, but it's the Nationals, so nobody cares. They pretty much like every dish, though one of the guys thinks that Ed's fritters are like biting into a caterpillar. Once they've eaten, they wander off, not stopping to talk to any of the fans who try to engage them in conversation. Well... Thanks for stopping by, guys. That was invaluable. Other fans happily munch on their gourmet snacks in the stands. The judges stop by the counter. Padma actually looks quite good in a simple Nationals jersey. Certainly better than she looks in "high-fashion" armadillo tank tops and ridiculous sun hats.

Kelly has a an open-faced crabcake BLT with a spicy herb aioli and sweet potato fries seasoned with Old Bay. Tiffany has an Italian meatball sub with tomato marinara, fennel, a basil pesto, and mozzarella. Amanda's got a tuna tartare with fennel, mushrooms, lemon, and a fava bean puree. That doesn't sound good, and not just because of the mushrooms and oxidized tuna. She knows she's in trouble, presentation-wise, but likes the flavor of her dish. Rick gives her props for gumption, but indeed, the sickly gray appearance of the tuna gives Eric pause. Ptom does enjoy the vegetables, but doesn't mention the fish itself. Kelly's crabcake has excellent flavor, but Padma does detect a lot of salt coming from the bacon. As the judges taste Tiffany's dish, a short clip of a fan pointing to her meatball sub and asking "Is this a meatball sub?" is shown. Let us pray that this fan has nothing to do with lawmaking. Or education. Or healthcare. Or anything, really. The sub is very popular with the judges, though Eric finds it a bit challenging to eat.

Angelo watches Ed put one of his sandwiches together. "More pickle?" Ed asks. "Yes. That's what she said," Angelo responds. Heh. Always a classic. When alien excavators dig down to this era's cultural relics, they're going to find a lot of "That's what she said" and "Your Mama" jokes. Works for me! Both Angelo and Ed are calmer, and happy to have found a balance in the service. Angelo interviews that Kevin is still being sulky about the whole thing. The judges return for the rest of their food. Angelo has made sweet glazed pork on a lobster roll (aka - hot dog bun), with spicy cucumber, Asian pear, and sweet sesame pickles. Kevin has a chicken kabob with Romesco sauce, scallions, shoestring fries, and a smoked paprika aioli. Ed has shrimp and corn risotto fritters, with a jalapeno aioli. Flavor aside, he's just happy that he managed to get them all done in time.

The judges have nothing but nice things to say about the fritters. They've got nice heat and texture, especially given the challenging serving conditions. Kevin's worried, because his dish is not getting ordered a lot. He wanted to give some crunch by putting his shoestring fries on top of the chicken, but ironically, crunch is the last thing he gets. Eric says that the fries became soggy from sitting on top of the sauce and hot chicken. Various fans aren't impressed, either. Angelo's pork is tasted. Hilariously, one of the fans is wearing a shirt that exactly matches the food basket. Nice camouflage! Angelo's use of the hot dog bun sinks him. It's too doughy, and kills the flavor and finish of his pork. Various fans talk about which of the dishes were their favorites. Ptom supposes that the chefs must have worked together well to serve so many people, but "there's no I in team". No, but there's a me!

Interstitial. Angelo talks to his Russian fiancee on the phone. He does not pull a Mel Gibson, so it's all very boring.

When we come back, a bit of that night's baseball game is played. I can't claim to be the biggest sports fan in the world, but there is a fun sort of energy that comes from living in a city with such baseball fever. Plus, I get to make fun of this:

Wow! Those seats must be upwards of 1/10 full! Parking must be a nightmare! In the fret 'n sweat, Angelo fiddles with a baseball. Kelly is amazed that after all these challenges, her stomach still feels sick as she waits for the results.

Tim: "That's actually the tuna tartare."

Padma enters, and summons everyone to Judges' Table. When they enter the dining room, Padma asks Angelo how it was decided that he expedite the food. He brings up his volunteering the night before the game, and Tiffany stops him, wanting to air the full saga of how Angelo wound up having to stick to his offer, despite his attempt to back out. Kevin, sensing an opportunity, makes sure to tell the judges how shitty he thought Angelo's behavior was, because after all, no takesies backsies. I don't really understand the point of hashing this all out at Judges' Table, since service wasn't an issue for good OR ill, but I guess some people aren't happy unless they've got something to complain about.

Moving on to food. Ed's fritters were hot and creamy on the inside, and his sauce was nicely spicy. His was a very tidy dish, which Tiffany's was not. Still, the judges loved the flavors. Tiffany giggles, and admits that she's one of those people who insists on a bit of juice spurting out of hamburgers and the like. Everyone has a good chuckle. That's the top two, and Rick gets to announce the winner. This season has had an impressive number of episode sweeps, and the streak continues, as Ed takes the challenge. He wins Rick's book and a trip to Australia. It's pretty telling that upon winning the book, Ed's face reads "Oh. Thanks, I guess," and upon winning the trip, he cracks into a wide grin. Enjoy Australia! I hope it takes your mind off of... Well, other stuff. Ed and Tiffany are dismissed.

Once they're gone, the judges turn to the other chefs. Amanda took an admirable risk, but it didn't pay off. Her fish gave off an air of not being fresh. Ptom asks the others if they would have tartared their fish the day of the challenge, rather than the day before. Naturally, Kevin is the only one to answer, saying that he wouldn't have even chosen that dish, but if he had, he certainly would have done it the day of. You know who Kevin is? Kevin is that guy who took names of people that were talking when the teacher was out of the room, then complained on the playground because nobody wanted to play Four Square with him. Ptom tells Amanda that maybe it would have been worth it to be in a time crunch in service of better food. I actually don't fault her for trying to do as much the day before as possible, but she certainly doesn't explain her thought processes well here. Kevin is told that he had a good idea, but his concept didn't come across in the food. The skewer was too long, the fries were soggy, and the whole thing just came across as disappointing. Kevin says that he was trying to get all of his flavors stacked so they could be eaten as one bite, and Ptom tells him that that's wholly unnecessary.

Kelly's crabcakes had excellent flavor, though they lacked a little crunch, and the sandwich was a touch too salty. So it was fine, but not outstanding. Angelo's pork was cooked well, but the flavor got sucked into a doughy piece of bread. He should know better, since he runs a sandwich shop. Padma adds that in addition to the bread, the rest of the components were too sweet. Angelo says he put Napa cabbage in to cut the sweetness, but he can't snow this panel; Eric points out that Napa cabbage is plenty sugary in and of itself. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. Kevin's plate had too much going on, and his aioli and Romesco sauce were too similar to each other. His skewer was so long, fans and judges alike were spearing their own uvulas. I don't think that should be taken too seriously into account, but I do like to say "uvula". Putting his fries on top of the skewer was pointless and counterproductive. Amanda should have cut her tuna later. Her vegetables were good, but Eric is literally offended by her final product's appearance. Angelo didn't correct the problems with his pork's flavors, and his spongy bread sucked all the juice out. Kelly's crab was great, but the rest of her components didn't do her any favors. "It is what it is," Kelly drones back in the Kitchen. DRINK! The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. Ptom tells the chefs that they were supposed to make ballpark food, but unfortunately they "made a few errors." ERRORS, GET IT?!?!?!?! BECAUSE IT'S BASEBALL?!?!?! ISN'T THAT HILARIOUS?!?!?!?! Sigh. And when you're done sighing, DRINK! Kelly got the crab right, but nothing else. Amanda's tuna was too oxidized to enjoy. Kevin's fries were soft. Angelo's sandwich was sweet and soggy. Padma delivers the bad news. Amanda. Please pack your knives and go. She thanks the judges for the "awesome opportunity". She gives Kevin and Angelo a hug, and pulls Kelly into a reluctant hug back in the Kitchen. She tells us with great import that this is an experience that she is going to remember for the rest...of her life. Well, yeah. Who wouldn't? She's sad to leave, and proud that she's the only sous chef to have made it this far. She also made it to the final six without winning a single challenge, but I guess I can't expect her to be as jazzed about that accomplishment.

Overall Grade: B-

Spyro Gyro

Top Chef - Season 7, Episode 10

Previously on Top Chef: War of the Restaurants. Alex's army decided he wasn't even competent enough to pass boot camp, and stuck him on dish duty in the mess hall. Kenny exulted in his status as a four-star general, and though nobody disputed his ability to rally the troops, his food marksmanship was less than stellar. No amount of medal-polishing could make up for the fact that his dishes pretty much sucked, and he was gloriously eliminated. Seven chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. I had to make good on last week's bet, and made an old family sweet and sour meatball recipe, some lemon squares, and a batch of blueberry muffins. Our gracious hosts provided the hummus, and once the wine was popped, a grand feast was had by all. Please to enjoy Drinking Game Rule #10. It may be a little late for it now, but since it keeps coming up over and over: Take a drink whenever you come across mention of the pea puree, whether on the show or in these recaps. Including that one. DRINK!

Oh, and I have a little tangential business to get to. Firstly, I have to credit LabRat for coming up with this week's post title. Be grateful that you aren't being subjected to the horrible puns that were swirling around my head. Okay, maybe one: Boris Not-Gudenov. Awful, right? Secondly, someone pointed me towards Ptom's blog about last week's episode. I was going to link to it when quoting the relevant portions, but forgot that Bravo has literally the worst website ever created by supposed professionals. I lost my patience after five attempts. The gist was that he's been getting some crap about Kenny being eliminated over Alex, and snarkily pointed out that duh, Alex was on the winning team, and thus not eligible for elimination. He also snarkily pointed out that each challenge is judged individually, so Kenny's past successes were not taken into account. I heartily agree with his decisions on both counts, but I don't think his tone is called for. I don't blame people for asking about the results, since rules were pretty obviously bent around for the elimination in the second episode, and because it seems like chefs' past successes are considered pretty often. Ptom's blog also addressed the pea puree incident again. DRINK! Ptom reports that other chefs have admitted that they actually saw Alex making his own puree (DRINK!), so there you go. Mystery solved. Still, it makes me wonder why there was all that whispering and gossip behind Alex's back if it was known he didn't do anything shady. Strange. All right, then. Ready to step into this week's shiny, Kenny-free episode?

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Naturally, we have to cover the whole Kenny vs. Alex debate again. Kevin -- who's had six seasons to watch and nine episodes to participate in -- still doesn't seem to get how team challenges work. He whines about Alex's team carrying him to unfair safety. Alex isn't too worked up about the whole situation, shrugging that he makes a handy venting target for Kevin to complain about his friend getting eliminated. That's a mature way of looking at it. He's also correct when he interviews that rules aside, he had nothing to do with the blue team making bad food. Point, set, match. Angelo is exhausted and unfocused after the stress of Restaurant Wars. He seems the most shaken by Kenny's elimination, because if one of the alpha males can be eliminated well before the finals, what does that mean for the other? The chefs head out for the day.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs enter the Kitchen to find a bunch of boxes with question marks painted on the side. Nobody butts one with their head to see if a power-up comes out. Padma and guest judge Wylie Dufresne are there to greet them before Padma explains the rules of this week's Quickfire. It's a peach. At first glance, it's a repeat of the mystery box challenge. The chefs will have to incorporate all of the ingredients into a dish, but in a fun twist, more mystery boxes will appear as the dishes are cooking. The dish will have to actually evolve in real time as more ingredients are thrown into the mix. Good idea! Well done, challenge producers. None of the chefs are as thrilled as I am that they've been put into this situation, but they perk up when they learn that the winner will receive $10,000. The clock is set at forty minutes, and Padma starts the countdown.

The initial mystery box contains a large rockfish, fava beans, and an unlabeled can. Alex does not have his own can opener, and casts around for someone else's. Thing is, they have their own cans to open, and aren't anxious to hand over the goods. This is played as a we-hate-Alex kind of scene -- complete with Frankenbytes -- but I doubt the motives were that personal. People just want to open their own damn cans first. Those cans turn out to contain hominy. Angelo is completely lost without his rival to butt up against. He turns this way and that, indecisive about how he wants to prepare his dish. A guy in a suit and dark glasses enters to deliver the next mystery box. "Oh my God!" Amanda squawks, as if this is some wholly unexpected event. Or maybe she just said that because the messenger is kind of hot. The second box contains squid and black garlic. Jeez, whatever vision the chefs had at first blush will surely go out the window when confronted with these.

A few minutes later, Mr. Hot delivers another box. "Are you kidding me?" Alex groans. Seriously, were any of you present when Padma was telling you about the challenge parameters? Or were you all daydreaming about how you were going to spend your ten-thousand dollars? The third mystery box contains ramps and passion fruit. By this point, nobody knows what the hell they're doing, and are just trying to compose a dish that won't make the judges projectile vomit. The fourth mystery box arrives with jicama inside. That's the last one, and the chefs have a final ten minutes to get everything ready. Everyone's sweaty and miserable, but manages to get food on the plates. Time runs out.

Padma and Wylie go down the line. Alex has rockfish with a fava bean puree, ramp fondue with leeks, and squid sauteed in the black garlic. He bemoans his terrible Quickfire record, and says that this mess will probably fare no better. Tiffany has had a good idea, and made fish stew, which allows all sorts of things to be tossed in at the last minute without changing the overall picture. She's added some saffron to the mystery box ingredients. Kelly has done a version of Yucatecan seafood stew. Wylie finds it spicy, though I can't tell if he considers that good or bad. Amanda has crispy-skinned rockfish, with a squid fricassee and leek/mushroom fondue. Kevin serves rockfish and red pepper flake-marinated squid on a hominy/black garlic puree, with a jicama/passion fruit salad. Ed serves rockfish sashimi, with a hominy/basil puree, and grilled squid marinade. Angelo has a smoky hominy pot-au-feu, with squid, rockfish tataki, and a passion fruit gelee.

Results. The bottom two starts off with Alex, whose bean and passion fruit puree was good, but nothing else was. Amanda joins him for oily food. The top two starts with Tiffany, for well-integrated, flavorful components. Kevin's puree was nice, and his fish was well-cooked. The winner of the challenge, and the big cash prize is... Tiffany. Yay! She's thrilled that she can meet her fiancee at home with something other than an excuse for why she's been flirting with Ed for several weeks. She may not have phrased it that way.

Elimination Challenge. We continue with the episode's mystery theme, as Padma tells the chefs they'll be cooking for members of the CIA. That's the actual CIA, not the chefy one. Spies often have to adopt disguises, and the chefs will have to do the same thing. They'll be given a classic dish, and must cook it in such a way that it's physically unrecognizable, but still retains the flavors of the classic. Interesting. The chefs draw knives to determine their dishes:

Amanda - French onion soup
Ed - Chicken Cordon Bleu
Angelo - Beef Wellington
Kelly - Kung Pao shrimp
Tiffany - Gyro
Kevin - Cobb salad
Alex - Veal parmesan

Padma tells the chefs that they'll be serving to a bunch of CIA officers, including the head of the organization, Leon Panetta. Amanda fantasizes about being recruited as a spy and seducing secrets out of the KGB. It won't be such a romantic idea when you see what those guys look like. The chefs will serve at CIA headquarters, and the winner of the challenge will win a trip to Paris. Nice! Nice, that is. Not Nice. The chefs head off to the store with a $200 budget. Alex interviews that he's only been a chef for about six years, and was an event videographer before that. He spins this as a positive, saying that someone without as much experience is more open to new ideas and experimentation. Kelly has never cooked Chinese food in her life, and has the very smart idea to track down a prepared Kung Pao sauce and note the ingredients so she can recreate it. I like the way she thinks. See, I knew I've been on her side for a good reason. Angelo has to include puff pastry in his dish, and heads for the frozen food aisle to pick some up. The other chefs are taken aback, because that stuff was about half the reason John got eliminated in the first episode. The other half being his hair.

Back in the Kitchen, the chefs have two and a half hours to get their food prepared. They banter about what their spy names would be. Tiffany, who loves La Femme Nikita, chooses Brigitte. She's disguising her gyro by deconstructing it into separate components. Amanda (code name - Natasha) is disguising French onion soup by... Making French onion soup. Kelly hopes to disguise her Kung Pao shrimp by turning it into a soup. More Frankenbytes manufacture some we-hate-Alex quotes. I mean, I'm sure that he's pretty much as unpopular as the quotes suggest. I just doubt Tiffany and Kelly are strutting around the Kitchen sneering about how much he sucks. He packs his veal parmesan into tortellini, which sounds pretty good. Angelo's choice to use prepackaged frozen puff pastry is dissected some more. Ed comes up with a code name of Muffin Winthrop (hehehehe), while Alex opts for the more well-worn Doctor Zhivago. Ed is disguising his dish by turning it inside out, putting the ham and cheese on the outside, rather than encasing it in the chicken as usual. Kevin's grand plan to disguise his Cobb salad is to change the textures. To his credit, he realizes how weak an idea this is, and just focuses on making it taste as good as possible. Time runs out.

The next day, the chefs arrive at CIA headquarters. An appropriately big deal is made of their surroundings. Once ensconced in the kitchen, the chefs have an additional hour and a half to get their food prepared. Angelo worries that his dish isn't as creative or complex as he wants it to be. He really is falling apart this week. Kelly has plenty of time to get all her food done, but still takes the shortcut of putting her rice in the rice cooker, rather than preparing it on the stove. Amanda likes the flavors of her soup, but is anxious that she didn't disguise it enough. "Helen Keller would be able to guess what the dish is," she snarks. Oh, a Helen Keller joke! I appear to have fallen through a wormhole and popped back out in eighth grade, when people were still telling those.

Kender: "Isn't that the idea? That Helen Keller would be able to identify the dish?"

Alex shares his strategy of not cooking anything that he's ever made before, saying that it's worked out for him so far. Well, it's kept him safe, but he certainly hasn't been racking up the challenge wins. But hey, he's won more than Amanda, so what do I know? Ed disdains this method, grousing that Alex's style of cooking is totally unimpressive. Are they trying to turn Alex into the Robin of the season now that Stephen is gone? Kelly frets over her rice cooker, while Tiffany frets over the simplicity of her dish. She interviews that if one component goes awry, the entire dish's concept will collapse. It turns out Kelly was right to worry, because her rice has overcooked into complete mush. She tells Tiffany that it's "unedible" and interviews that she's used to cooking rice in Colorado, where it takes an hour minimum to cook. Yeesh, what a chore. Tiffany sends her to start some new rice on the stove, which she should have done in the first place. And while we're correcting little mistakes in order to make our lives better, Kelly? Inedible.

Time begins to wind down. Tiffany helps Kelly plate, interviewing that she wants to beat the other chefs because she outcooks them, not because of some technicality. I heartily endorse that attitude. The diners get seated, and time runs out. Padma introduces Leon Panetta, and service starts. Angelo is disheartened by the way his dish has come out, and wonders why he can't get his head in the game this week. He and Kelly serve first, and their dishes are not identified for the diners. Angelo has tartlets with slivers of beef on top. His dish is easily identified, and is not well-received. It was overly salty and the much-discussed puff pastry is hard. Eric Ripert, filling in for Gail this week, says that it looks like Angelo took some shortcuts. Kelly has spicy shrimp broth with rice and a Szechuan shrimp tempura. Ooh, that sounds good. When will I learn to eat before I settle in to write these recaps? Wylie kids Leon about knowing what it is before the spymaster does. It takes the panel a long time to figure out what it is, and once they do, they give it generally positive reviews. Wylie thinks there may be a bit too much broth, but overall, everyone really likes it.

Kevin helps Tiffany wipe her plates down before time runs out. The two of them are up next. Tiffany's plate has roasted leg of lamb, with smoky eggplant, tomatoes, and pickled onions. Once it's identified as a gyro, everyone sings its praises. Eric calls it the most elegant gyro he's ever eaten. Sweet! Kevin has romaine lettuce, tomato, bacon, Roquefort cheese, avocado, cucumber, and turkey. In other words, he's served a Cobb salad as a Cobb salad. Fortunately for him, it tastes good, and Ptom is prenaturally disposed to liking Cobb salads in general. At this point, a note arrives for Leon. Duty calls, and he must leave for the rest of the meal. In the kitchen, Alex brings Amanda some veal to test. She finds it close to overcooked, but makes sure to tell us in interview that although Alex has execution problems, and his ouster would help her chances, she'd hate to see her buddy get eliminated.

She and Alex are the next ones to serve. Amanda has consomme with oxtail marmalade, caramelized onions, and shaved gruyere. She's done the best she can to disguise a very easily identifiable dish, but her marmalade is way too sweet. One of the diners compares it to honey-lemon cough syrup. Yikes. Alex's plate has veal and parmesan tortellini, with tomato sauce and tempura cheese. Really? Tempura cheese? I wonder how that tastes. I originally thought the veal was going into the tortellini as well, but it's on the plate as a big chunk of meat, topped with tortellini stuffed with parmesan. The diners find the meat amazingly tough, and though they feel he did perhaps the best job with his disguise, the major execution problems ruin his concept. Ed's plate goes out solo. It's roasted chicken breast, with a ham and cheese croquette, and a spring onion soubise. His dish receives the converse of the reaction to Alex's. The food itself is great, and impresses the entire table, but he didn't really put much thought into the disguise. Service wraps up, and Padma thanks the remaining CIA staff. The chefs tear into the leftovers, and catch an inkling of which way the wind might be blowing. Kelly gently tells Amanda that her soup is a little sweet, while Angelo is blown away by Tiffany's eggplant.

Interstitial. The chefs chat about the secrets Leon Panetta holds. Angelo jokes that he knows the whereabouts of an extra-terrestrial living in Los Angeles, pointing at Alex. He does have kind of a big head.

Fret 'n sweat. The chefs discuss how important the challenge's concept will be to the judging, or if good food will be enough to save a bad idea. We're about to find out. Padma enters, and summons Tiffany, Kelly, and Ed to the dining room. It's not hard to peg this group as the top three, and they're happy to hear it. That settles the question of concept vs. execution, because nobody was impressed with Ed's disguise. Kelly's concept was great, and her spicy broth was balanced nicely with the rice. Tiffany's gyro was high-end and delicious. Ed's dish was perfectly executed. Wylie gets to announce the winner of the challenge and the trip to Paris, which turns out to be... Tiffany. She squeals with delight. I believe this may be the first time in Top Chef history that a chef has won both the Quickfire and the Elimination Challenges in more than one episode. And since I love Tiffany, I'm ecstatic that she's raised the bar for all future contestants. She's just thrilled that no matter the outcome of the season, Top Chef has paid for her wedding, and has now given her a honeymoon trip as well.

Back in the Kitchen, Kevin initially thinks Ed has won, before the top three makes it clear that Tiffany has emerged victorious. It's funny, with all the Kenny vs. Angelo talk, and all the Alex-needs-to-step-up-and-prove-himself grunting from Kevin and Ed, the men of this season seem to be curiously blind to the threat the women pose. I'm not saying they're sexist, but considering all of the challenges Kelly and Tiffany have excelled in, you'd think they'd be noted as potential usurpers. Instead, the guys walk around bumping chests and seeing who can pee the farthest, while Tiffany quietly puts away a double episode sweep. Her win is applauded before she shares the bad news that the judges would like to see Alex, Amanda, and Angelo. Not a good week for the A's, I'm afraid.

The bottom three head out to the dining room. Amanda probably takes the wrong tack when she explains that she knows she didn't do a great job disguising her dish, but was aiming more for flavor than concept. Wylie agrees that she didn't seize various opportunities to mask the soup better. Ptom suggests a panna cotta, apparently forgetting that that particular dish may as well be served with a little card that reads: "Please eliminate me tonight!" That wasn't Amanda's only problem, though. Her marmalade was far too sweet. Angelo didn't put any creativity into his concept, and the disappointment of the puff pastry could have easily been avoided with a little of the reinvention specifically requested by the challenge.

Alex's disguise was well thought-out, but his execution was way off the mark. He tells the judges that he wanted to try some new, creative techniques, which gives them the opportunity to nail him on one of those tiresome Catch-22s the judges are so fond of. This chestnut says that if you try to do something new, you should be eliminated for wandering out of your comfort zone. If you stay in your comfort zone, you should be eliminated for not taking enough risks. I understand that there's a delicate balance between successful food and a wide range of technique, but they often (as in this case) do not straddle this line well when it comes to deliberation. Unfortunately for Alex, it doesn't matter much, because no matter what risks he took, the result was bad food, pure and simple. Ptom tells all three chefs that they've essentially turned in their worst work of the competition. After that, they're dismissed. Angelo beats up on himself back in the Kitchen. Kelly interviews that while he's a nice guy, it'd be much smoother sailing in the competition if he got eliminated.

Deliberations. None of the bottom three addressed the challenge parameters well, and all of them put out terrible dishes. Wait, I thought Alex did approach the challenge with all of the appropriate creativity, but just didn't cook the food well. Didn't they just finish saying that? The judges admit that he had a viable idea, but add that he couldn't carry it through. Amanda failed on just about every level. Angelo's Beef Wellington would "make Julia Child very sad". That's about the worst thing anyone could ever say about my cooking. The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. I really need to come up with a shorthand term for those ridiculously terrible wordplay phrases Ptom recites each week. You'd think somebody would have noticed at this point how cringeworthy they are, and yet... "You were asked to take a dish and disguise it, and in all your cases, your cover was blown." Hork. Padma delivers the bad news. Alex. Please pack your knives and go. He thanks the judges, and shrugs in his final interview that at this point, there's no allowable margin of error. He's unhappy with his overall placement, but takes the events of the competition in stride, choosing not to make a big deal over false accusations of pea puree theft (DRINK!) and anger over his Restaurant War contributions. Yeah, I think he's gotten a bum rap in that household; it makes me somewhat sad for him. He doesn't seem to mind as much, saying that he strives every day to make himself a better person. Well, he may have been unfairly maligned by his competitors, but if he's taking suggestions: Be nicer to your waitstaff.

Overall Grade: B

Eating Crow

Top Chef - Season 7, Episode 9

Previously on Top Chef: Global cuisine! Brazil apparently has the most difficult food on the planet. Alex's popularity plummeted. Tiffany swept the episode's challenges, while Stephen just got swept. Out the door. Eight chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. I brought some very nice cheese, but was completely overshadowed by LabRat, who brought a huge honking cantaloupe that he grew in the back garden. Jerk. I'll have to console myself with Drinking Game Rule #9: Take a drink whenever someone claims not to care that other people don't like them. If they mention the magical phrase "not here to make friends," chug the whole thing.

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Amanda wakes up with her pirate pants pajamas, and laments that her buddy Stephen got eliminated. Kenny wakes up with his Jupiter-sized ego, and whines that he can't understand why the judges are suddenly no longer interested in falling all over themselves to pat him on the back. My certainty that this wad is going to win the season weighs heavily on my soul.

Quickfire Challenge. It appears as though Episode 9 of this season will be a complete redo of Episode 9 of last season. Normally, I'd be grumpy about this, but I heartily enjoy the tag team challenge. Each team member gets ten minutes to cook, and although immunity is not up for grabs, a ten-thousand-dollar prize is. As in last season, the chefs draw knives to select team captains. Kevin winds up getting first choice, while Ed gets second. The teams shake out to be:

Blue: Kevin, Kenny, Kelly, and Amanda
Red: Ed, Tiffany, Angelo, and Alex

Ed has mixed feelings. He got to scoop up his crush, but had to take his least favorite person as well. Alex interviews that being chosen last doesn't matter to him. I'll count that as a "not caring what people think," so DRINK! Padma gives the chefs forty-five seconds to decide the order in which they'll cook. The first-position chefs take their marks, and everyone else slips on the blindfolds. Ready? Go!

Kenny versus Tiffany. Kenny brags about himself, because if his ego isn't stroked every twenty seconds... I don't know, Mount Vesuvius will erupt or something. Tiffany is being as strategic as she can. She gets pans heating so the others won't have to wait. She leaves the head on the snapper she's prepping so her teammates will know right off the bat what they're cooking. Smart! Kenny works on a mustard sauce and gets some prawns ready to cook. The whistle blows, and Amanda and Alex leap into the fray. Here's another echo of last season, in which the chefs the rest of the team deemed the most useless are put into second-position, so they're neither choosing the ingredients, nor responsible for the final product. Amanda picks up Kenny's brainwave, and runs to blanch some pasta, which is exactly what he envisioned. All Alex is shown doing is sprinkling salt on the fish, which causes Tiffany's face to contort in horror.

When the whistle goes off, Kevin and Ed come in as third-position. Tiffany asks Alex if he seasoned the fish, and when he affirms that he did, she takes the gentlest tack possible in calling him a moron, hoping that Ed will be able to see the salt that is pretty much invisible against the white skin of the snapper. Kevin doesn't have much to do but some grunt work, and tears through it. The whistle blows. As Angelo interviews that his team station is a giant wreck that looks like a Tasmanian devil blew through, he runs around, grabs some salt, and throws a big fistful onto the fish. People who live in glass Tasmanian devil houses... Alex is upset, I guess because he was hoping the salt already on the fish would glow an unearthly shade of green so that Angelo could see it. Meanwhile, the steady flow of the blue team continues, as Kelly is easily able to see what the others were going for. She sears the prawn and gets everything else ready in a snap. Angelo figures out the fish is too salty, and throws in some cilantro to try and counterbalance it. Time runs out.

Padma introduces the guest judge who will cast the deciding vote on which team's dish is better: Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. The chefs are blown away. Nancy says she's delighted to be there. Well, sure. It must be nice to cast a vote that doesn't bring on a maelstrom of criticism from conservative cable news networks. Kevin explains the blue team's dish. It's sauteed shrimp with angel hair pasta, a mustard sauce, marinated tomatoes, and crispy basil. One of these days I'm going to nail down what chefs think the difference between prawn and shrimp is, if any. On this show at least, they use the terms interchangeably. Nancy likes the al dente pasta and the homey (meaning Californian) feel of the shrimp. Ed presents the red team's dish. It's roasted red snapper in aromatic broth, with wilted greens and some maitake mushrooms. Nancy finds it tasty and wholesome, but the cilantro didn't do its job, and she immediately picks up on the oversalting. Tiffany grouses about Alex in interview. Yep, he pretty much screwed them. Nancy pretends she's got a difficult choice before awarding the win to Kevin's team.

Limecrete: "Well, of course she'd pick blue over red."

The blue team is excited. Amanda is happy to have won her first challenge. I'd be a little less excited if the only way I could achieve a win is to have three other people helping me out, but who am I to stand in the way of her joy? Padma thanks Nancy for the judging help, and Nancy wishes everyone luck on her way out. Alex's popularity among the other chefs plummets some more.

Elimination Challenge. I wouldn't be calling this episode a carbon copy of last season if the Elimination Challenge wasn't the same as well. It's time for the traditional Restaurant Wars, and every season, I must disclose the fact that I don't enjoy this challenge as much as the rest of the viewing audience seems to. It strikes me that people are asked to do things they wouldn't necessarily have to do as a chef, and that competitors are often both rewarded and punished for things that aren't their doing. Some are better than others, though, so let's see how this one goes. Kenny feeds his ego again. The chefs will remain in the same teams, and will be taking over a pre-existing restaurant. Hooray! No footage of people buying tablecloths and hanging paper lanterns! The teams will present three-course menus, with two options for each course. Everyone is responsible for at least one dish. The red team isn't happy to have Alex the Anchor weighing them down, especially when they learn that former New York Times restaurant critic Frank Bruni will be guest judging.

I'm skipping a pointless shill segment, and moving right into shopping. Ed and Angelo discuss minimizing Alex's role as much as possible. It goes without saying that they're going to stick him in front-of-house. Kevin overhears this from the backseat, and crabs that people in a team should all work together. It's easy to say that when you're satisfied with all of your teammates. I'm curious to know how he'd handle having Alex on his side, given his previous comments about him. Team members arrive at Whole Foods and the restaurant supply store, and try to synchronize their shopping lists. The red team is spazzing over their ingredients, and Kenny and Amanda watch from the side, grateful to be on the blue team.

Back in the Kitchen, the teams have two hours to prep. Angelo says that the red team's roles just naturally fell into place. If by "naturally" he means "announced authoritatively that he would be head chef and assigned duties to everyone else", then sure. He tells Alex to butcher the meat. Dishes are explained, but I'm going to ignore the menus until we get to the actual meal. Well, except to say that the red team is hilariously working on a pea puree. I really should have made that goo part of the drinking game. Kelly will be front-of-house for the blue team, and works on a cold soup and dessert so she won't be torn between kitchen duties and dining room duties. I like the methodical way she thinks. Prepare yourself for a shock. Kenny will be assuming the executive chef role for the blue team. Meanwhile, Alex is doing a wretched job of butchering the meat, which is his sole responsibility. Angelo loses his patience, and takes over. Alex retreats to prep Tiffany's fish, while Tiffany frets about how organized the other team seems to be.

The next day, the chefs arrive at the restaurant, with four hours to get everything ready. The red team decides to call their restaurant "EVOO" (extra virgin olive oil), which is a terrible name. Not as bad as "Revolt", but still. Angelo says it refers to the Mediterranean flavors they're going to create. I doubt that name will evoke such an image. There's only one kitchen in this restaurant, so the teams are very intermingled as they cook. Tiffany discovers that Alex hasn't cleaned the red team's fish properly. I know editing affects a lot, but has he done a single thing correctly this week? Anything? Kenny tells us that the blue team's restaurant name is "2121", which is the address of the Top Chef house. Not particularly creative, but better than the competition. I'm just going to stick with "red" and "blue". Angelo notes how well the blue team is communicating, but cautions against being overconfident. Amanda tries to figure out how to use a wood-burning grill, interviewing that every grill has its own personality.

Tiffany: "Really? Because you don't."

Kenny writes himself another chapter in the epic story of KENNY VS. ANGELO: MASTER CHEF TAKES ON YOUNG UPSTART, that he's been fantasizing about since the first episode. He delights in Angelo losing his patience and temper over Alex's screwups. Alex bristles at being condescended to, but can't do much about it, because have I mentioned the massive screwups? He and Kelly head out to the front of the house to meet the servers and get everything set up. Kelly interviews that she's never really done this kind of work in a restaurant before, and doesn't want to get eliminated for something she never claimed to be a master of. Laurine is sitting at home, watching this and thinking, "Exactly. Fuckers." That's always been one of my problems with Restaurant Wars. A person who is a perfectly good chef could be eliminated for non-chef reasons, and a sub-par chef can safely hide from having to cook anything. Of course, Kelly has also bragged that you have know a bit of everything when opening a restaurant, so she kind of walked into this one.

She nervously chats with her servers, while Alex is a total douche to his. He brags about this in interview, not quite getting that if these servers screw him over, he doesn't get to fire them. The blue team serves up a plate of each of their dishes so that the servers can taste them, and thus explain them better to diners. Alex disdains this method, because he pictures himself such a lyrical poet that just describing the food to the servers is good enough. Oy. Kenny says that the red team's servers will go into the dining room with "negative energy". He seems to be a practical sort of person, so I'll interpret that in less of a Professor Trelawney kind of way, and more as a "the red team's servers have no incentive to do a good job," which I totally agree with. Time winds down. Food finishes cooking. Final instructions are given. And just like that, the restaurants are open for business.

Diners get seated and food starts going out. One of the red team servers is missing three crudos (crudoes?) for one of her tables. It's almost as if the red team's servers have no incentive to do a good job! As Alex explains the snafu to his table, the judges walk in. Gail makes a bitchy comment about there not being anyone at the hostess stand. Because you're instantly greeted in every restaurant ever, and never have to wait the full ten seconds that she has to. Gail, though normally my favorite judge, will not be covering herself in glory tonight. A server seats the judges, and Alex comes over to greet them. Padma introduces Frank Bruni. Alex nervously explains the Mediterranean influence, and withdraws to get the food. The judges clink glasses as the first course comes out. Angelo has made a confit of tomato soup with some squash and an olive crouton. Tiffany has made a crudo of black bass and yellowtail snapper with a lemon-caper relish. Alex describes the microgreens on top as a "summer salad". Ptom asks why, and Alex responds in what he thinks is an amusing way that it just sounds better than saying "microgreens". The judges aren't impressed. As to the food, Angelo's soup is a hit, but Tiffany's fish is too salty. You'd think she'd keep an eye on that after the disastrous Quickfire.

The second course is a while in coming, and Padma rudely shouts "How we doin'?!?!" across the restaurant. She follows this up with a whiny "I waaant my second cooooourse," like she's a fucking toddler. This is another thing I don't like about Restaurant Wars. We're meant to accept these judges as sophisticated diners, yet they often act like they just got denied chicken nuggets for breakfast. If the judges weren't Top Chef luminaries, and acted like this in a real restaurant, their entree would wind up being spit soup with a loogie crouton. Kevin cringes at the red team's disorganization. The second course is finally brought out before Padma can throw herself down on the floor screaming, or Ptom can scrawl with crayon all over the walls. Tiffany has made a pan-seared striped bass, with stewed spinach, fennel, chorizo, and clams. Ed has a slow-baked turbot with eggplant caviar and a black olive jus. Both of the dishes get generally positive reviews. Everyone loves Ed's fish, and while Tiffany's may have been a touch overcooked, it's got good flavors.

Third course. Alex has a pan-seared lamb chop on top of the oft-discussed pea puree, with smoked bacon and Parmesan foam. Trying to hearken back to more successful times, are we? He initially misidentifies the lamb as pork, but quickly corrects himself after Ptom makes a snide comment. Angelo and Ed have cooperated on a seared rib eye steak, with crushed walnut potatoes and a balsamic fig reduction. I'm not the biggest walnut fan, but that sounds pretty good. Frank enjoys the lamb, but has some texture issues. The steak is so-so, but the potatoes are a hit. The fact that it's not a terribly Mediterranean dish is brought up. True, but I'd hope that's mostly overlooked if it tastes good enough. Frank found the service spotty, and guesses that the team's focus was more on the kitchen than the dining room. Very perceptive.

On to the blue team! Interstitial. Amanda has to redo steak, because she's not cooking it to the proper doneness. She wants to stand there and debate Kelly about it, and talk about all the problems she's having with this unfamiliar grill. Kelly doesn't want to hear it, and just tells her to keep an eye on it.

Kelly greets the judges as they come in the door. She describes the menu as "Progressive American". As we've discussed before, calling your food "American" means that you can do whatever the hell you'd like to it. Kelly comes back to the kitchen and asks for the first course. Kenny interviews that he's not bringing his ego to this particular challenge. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Whew! I need to wipe a couple of tears away before I continue. Okay, I'm ready. Kelly has made a chilled sweet corn soup with Maryland blue crab salad. Kenny's first course offering is beet salad with a warm chorizo/citrus vinaigrette. That makes it sound simple, which it's not. As is often the case, he's thrown everything but the kitchen sink onto this plate, from endive to candied nuts to pickled kumquat. Kelly's soup is deemed too thin and weak. Kenny's dish has far too many components, and is muddied.

Second course. Amanda's New York strip steak is grilled with roasted sunchokes and maitake mushrooms. Kevin made a pan-roasted halibut with white beans, a fennel marmalade and a tomato/fennel emulsion. Amanda's steak is too thin, and though the meat is a big disappointment, the sauce is good. Kevin's fish is not only visually appealing, but tastes good, too. Kelly makes sure to check in to make sure everything is okay. Kenny knows that executive chef is a risky position to take, but is confident in his abilities. My jaw fails to hit the ground.

Third course. Kenny has made crispy aged goat cheese on top of a strawberry-rhubarb relish, with some fresh arugula on the side. Kelly has made a dark chocolate ganache tart, with blackberry/chocolate chunk ice cream. I'm surprised we didn't hear more about how difficult dessert was to put together; Kelly seemed to have no issue with it whatsoever. Her tart is a huge hit with the judges, though the ice cream doesn't have enough flavor. Kenny's cheese plate is described as "awful". It's salty and mushy and according to Frank, a "horror show". Yikes. I'd be excited if I hadn't decided long ago that Kenny is destined to win the season. I begin trying to puzzle out how the judges will shift blame onto someone else to avoid eliminating him.

The judges talk. Ptom thinks the services went fairly well, all things considered. Frank says that both teams had better luck with fish than with other dishes. He hates the name "EVOO", so we're certainly in agreement on that one. Both teams had both hits and misses with their food. Tiffany's first-course fish was the weak point of the red team's menu, while Kelly's soup and both of Kenny's dishes didn't do the blue team any favors. Kelly's service was miles better than Alex's, though. Frank says that neither team should have announced their theme, because they painted themselves into a corner as far as sticking to it. Everyone packs up and heads back to the Kitchen.

Judges' Table. Padma asks to see the red team out in the dining room. The blue team is left to stew in anxiety. Amanda tries to hold on to her sense of confidence, but there's no getting around the fact that the winners are called first 99.9999% of the time. Indeed, when the red team comes out to face the judges, they're told they are the winning team. They are genuinely shocked. Alex admits to his nerves, but reports that he was calm and collected at every table but the judges'. Angelo's soup was pretty and flavorful. Tiffany's (second-course) bass was good, and Ed's turbot was fantastic. Ptom asks about the lamb dish, and Angelo responds that Alex conceptualized it, and Ed/Angelo executed it. Ptom enjoyed that dish vastly. There's nothing that pea puree can't achieve! Frank gets to announce the individual winner, and Ed's turbot wins the day. I'm happy to see it; he's come a long way from Assville.

WhiteTiffany: "You get to bang [Black]Tiffany as a reward."

Heh. No such luck for him, I'm afraid. He wins a trip to a Napa winery and a huge bottle of wine. Back in the Kitchen, the blue team has the good grace to clap for Ed's win before heading out to face the judges. They are as stunned with their loss as the red team was with their win. Kenny explains his surprise, going into all the chaos and miscommunication the red team had. True as that may be, Gail explains that the diners in a restaurant don't really give a good goddamn about the behind-the-scenes drama, as long as the food is good and the service is smooth. Frank gives Kelly a royal backhanded compliment, telling her that she had a clumsy charisma that served her well in front-of-house. "Thank you, [crap nugget]," she says, though the "crap nugget" is silent. She admits she likes her soups on the thinner side, but her corn soup went too far in that direction. Kenny's beet salad was a muddled mess. Frank tells him it was a beet salad "done through the guise of a Hamburger Helper". Ouch. Kenny can't stop some rage from fleeting across his face.

Kevin's halibut was a bright spot, but Amanda's steak was overcooked and dry. Just like last week. It's a good thing she works at a place called "The Water Grill", because meat is not her friend. A hurt Amanda apologizes and says that she's surprised Frank found the meat overcooked. Ptom corrects her to say that all four of the judges felt the same way on this point. Amanda quivers, near tears. Kenny's cheese course had ambition, but the execution was way off. Kenny's ego, having not only been denied food for the past few minutes, but is actively being starved, snaps. Rather than trying to defend his food on any level, he casts around for a way to make his menu acceptable, landing on Alex as a handy target. See, Alex only conceptualized his dish, and didn't actually cook anything. Therefore, he should be sent home, despite being on the winning team.

You know, if it weren't Kenny making this point, I would probably be more sympathetic to it. Alex really did stink up this challenge. And after all, the judges have shown no inclination to stick to team structure when picking a loser. Why not pluck someone off the winning team if they didn't contribute the required amount of work? I'm trying to look at it from a Kenny-happy judging panel's point of view, not mine. I would be enraged if they did this, just as I was in the school challenge. It can't be denied that Alex did minimal work, and did that minimal work poorly. Thems the breaks in team challenges, though. You rise or fall as a group. Sorry your food sucked, Kenster, but that doesn't mean the rules magically change in your favor. Or at least, it shouldn't.

Ptom asks if that means Alex didn't conceive his dish. Kevin jumps in to agree, and says that Ed and Angelo did all the work on it. Okay, but doing all the work doesn't mean they conceived it. I'm struggling to understand how important it is that Alex came up with the idea for the lamb. Is that enough, or was he responsible for actually preparing most or all of it? It's clear how Kenny and Kevin feel. They tell the judges that Alex needs to go. Padma dismisses them. I write an "A" in my notebook, ready for either Alex or Amanda to be eliminated. They are the natural secondary choices after Kenny's Shield of Invincibility is activated. The blue team wastes no time in jumping down Alex's throat when they get back to the Kitchen. Kevin sounds about eleven (both in age and volume) as he leaps up and screams "Your ass should be going!!! You didn't do a fucking thing!!!" How's that goal to control your temper coming along, Kevin? The red team, very calm under the circumstances, essentially tells him to shove it, saying that they were very clear to the judges about who did what. Kenny tries to argue it logically, pointing out all the ways in which Alex didn't help. Alex brings up the prep work he did (poorly, but still), and Angelo sticks up for him, telling him he doesn't need to justify anything to the blue team. Wow, Angelo has come a long way, too. Assville is losing residents at a steady rate!

Deliberations. Kelly soup was thin and flavorless. Amanda's steak was awful, and it was the only thing she was responsible for. Kevin didn't do a lot of work, but he did it well. Kenny did well as a leader, but hideously poorly as a cook. His two dishes were the worst things about the blue team's menu. Frank says that Alex may not have pulled his weight, but in a team challenge, if the rest of the people pull you through, it's understood that everyone's safe for the time being. Thank you for that much-needed reminder, Frank. Not that it does Jacqueline much good. The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. I fill out the "A" in my notebook with "manda". Ptom gives each chef some blather about what they did well and what they did poorly. It's all the stuff you've already heard. The viewing party tells me that it may just be Kenny's time, and I scoff loudly. "Have you even been watching this season? He's going to win," I snort. They hem and haw, and I offer to make three courses of my own for next week's viewing party if Kenny gets eliminated. If not, then I'm to be rewarded by goodies provided by other people. I lean back in my chair, satisfied, and wait to bathe in an aura of bet-winning superiority. Ptom throws it over to Padma for the big news. Kenny. Please pack your knives and go. My mind is immediately torn into two pieces. The quieter piece says "Damn. Not only have I lost the bet, but I've got all those recaps, published for the entire world to see, crowing about how obvious Kenny's win is being telegraphed. I look dumb." The louder piece of my mind? Says this.

Final interview. Firstly, Kenny makes sure to get a dig in at Alex, because rules be damned, Kenny should be on top. Aren't you gone yet? No? Okay, I'll let you finish. After warbling something about how "the beast is gone," he wraps up by saying that it's anybody's game now. Even in defeat, his ego demands a healthy meal. You know, one of the things that sets Top Chef apart from other reality shows is that I always feel like they crown a winner that they truly believe cooks good food. I may not always be happy with the personality of the victor, but that's the whole point... A sunny disposition doesn't mean someone can cook better than an ass, and I'm happy that the show awards the win based on merit. I really thought they were dancing dangerously close to the line this season. I was convinced that Kenny, despite clear misses in the kitchen, would sail to an undeserved victory based on nothing more than his bluster and background. With him gone, this season has suddenly attained an air of suspense it was sorely lacking. I could not have been more wrong in my previous recaps. I was wrong, wrong, wrong. And I've never been happier to say so. Now, I'm off to the store. A bet's a bet.

Overall Grade: B-

We Aren't The World

Top Chef - Season 7, Episode 8

Previously on Top Chef: Pea puree! Pea puree? Pea puree. PEA PUREE?!?! Pea puree. Pea. Puree. Pea puree????? Pea puree!!!!! Pea puree. Andrea got eliminated. Nine chefs remain. Who will be pea puree tonight?

Opening menu. With LabRat in Georgia and the viewing party called on account of baseball, this was the first episode I've had to watch solo in a while. Witness the cinematic single tear streaming down my cheek. In honor of being single for the night, I tore into some bachelor chow. When you dine solo, there's no such thing as embarrassment. So, I baked a box of those Pepperidge Farm pastry shells and stuffed them with tuna fish mixed with capers and a bunch of random spices. Don't judge it till you've wolfed it down. While you're at it, wolf down Drinking Game Rule #8: Take a drink when somebody whines about having to make a dessert.

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Pea puree. Pea puree? Pea puree! To his credit, Ed is more perplexed about the whole situation than angry. Kelly, having performed horribly last week, has had the dickens sufficiently scared out of her, and is ready to redeem herself. Tiffany is getting a little nervous to be constantly in the middle, and really wants to win some challenges.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are welcomed in the Kitchen by Padma and guest judge Marcus Samuelsson, who won this past season of Top Chef Masters. Padma tells everyone that Washington, D.C. is a diverse city (natch), and the cuisine served reflects that. I'll bet you can guess the theme for the week. Padma goes on to report that Ethiopian food especially dominates the local food scene. Really? I mean, I love eating wildly different ethnic foods, but I don't know anyone who would put Ethiopian at the top of their list. Not that it's bad; just not the go-to choice. In any event, today's Quickfire will be to make an Ethiopian-inspired dish. The berbere spice blend, and the injera bread have been provided. When I went to a local Ethiopian place, I rather liked the sour notes of the injera, but nobody else I ate with agreed. When Marcus says it's a sourdough, he means it's a SOURdough.

The chefs have a longer time limit than usual, and get ninety minutes to throw everything together. Ready? Go! Amanda goes straight for the goat leg, while Alex grabs some beef tongue. As he reaches for a pressure cooker, Kelly runs up behind him and tries to snag it. She's not quick enough, though, so Alex goes back to his table triumphant, leaving Kelly to sneer in interview about how "aggressive" Alex is. Kevin agrees, crabbing that Alex's style of cooking is to throw a bunch of darts at a wall and hope it works, which it never does. He thinks Alex is the weakest chef left. Listen, if he stole the pea puree, I'm all for treating him like a pariah. In fact, if he stole the pea puree, I'm all for kicking him off the show. That said, it's not aggressive to get to a piece of equipment first and not let someone else yoink it. In fact, if anyone was being aggressive in this situation, it was Kelly. And as far as Alex being the weakest link, perhaps Kevin would like to review who's been at Losers' Table three times, and who's been there...never.

Angelo has worked at a kitchen that served Ethiopian cuisine, so he's in good shape. Kenny and Ed also have some experience in this arena. Kenny is confident that he can win. What a shock. The rest of the chefs are just winging it. Kelly has never even eaten Ethiopian food, let alone cooked it. Thus begins the curious disconnect this cast has with global cuisine. I don't want to suggest that they should be familiar with every culture's food. People have to specialize. But I do find it a little odd that someone who's made a career out of food hasn't carved out time to go to an Ethiopian restaurant once. It's not like there's a dearth of them. If she had said this about food from Rwanda or Madagascar, I'd understand. Ethiopia? Strange. She asks Ed if nuts are appropriate to add to the dish, and he guesses that they are. Tiffany hopes that making a hearty stew with the provided spices will work out all right. Time runs out.

Padma and Marcus go down the line. Kevin has braised chicken with chickpeas and yogurt, and a bit of cucumber and mint served on injera. Stephen has lamb and a meatball stew with yogurt sauce. Alex made beef and lamb tongue stew with cabbage and potatoes. That doesn't sound terribly Ethiopian, but who knows what you can do with enough spice. Alex admits he doesn't eat a lot of spicy food, and Padma gets a little dig in at his expense, saying that his dish isn't spicy at all. Kelly roasted some leg of lamb, and serves it with cauliflower, yogurt, and mint puree. Amanda's stewed goat leg is served on grilled injera. Sounds good. Kenny goes for another duo. He's got meat loaf and rib eye with curry and a spice blend. Angelo has a berbere-spiced doro wat with egg, mango, yogurt and mint on steamed injera. Marcus enjoys it very much. Ed has stewed lamb with beef tripe, and serves it with cauliflower, chickpeas, and braised greens. Tiffany has a beef goulash with poached egg, currants, ginger, garlic, peppers, and yogurt. Her food sounds great, as always, though I worry that goulash isn't inspired enough by Ethiopia.

Results. First in the bottom three is Kevin, whose flavors weren't bold enough. Stephen's cabbage was good, but the lamb meatballs were off. Alex's stew was dry. Now, to the top three. Amanda's goat and spices were fantastic. Angelo's food was authentic and beautiful. Marcus puts my worries to rest by assuring Tiffany that goulash and Ethiopian food actually have a lot of similarities, and that she had wonderfully hearty flavors. The winner of the challenge and the immunity is... Tiffany. Yay! I know there's no way the Cult of Kenny will let her win the season, so I've got to enjoy her while I can. Ed is thrilled as well, because she beat Angelo, with all of his experience and technique.

Elimination Challenge. Padma and Marcus roll in a map of the world, with nine countries marked off with flags. As with the Quickfire, the chefs will be making a dish inspired by the country that they get. Kenny is confident. Another shock! Everyone will need to make a hundred portions to serve at a center that houses international dignitaries. Padma warns the chefs that they will only have sternos to heat their food. Well, at least she told them about it before they showed up at the event. That should be some comfort. The chefs will draw knives to determine the order in which they pick their countries. Angelo hopes that he won't get stuck with Brazil. Tiffany picks the coveted #1 out of the knife block, and cheers in interview that it's her "freakin' lucky day!" Heh. She strides up to the map and snags Mexico, which makes sense. The assignments shake out to be:

Tiffany - Mexico
Kelly - Italy
Amanda - France
Kenny - Thailand
Alex - Spain
Angelo - Japan
Kevin - India
Ed - China
Stephen - Brazil

Stephen expresses his usual optimism, but his voice is tinged with anxiety. I had no idea Brazil was such an obstacle to chefs. It's like panna cotta. Shopping. The chefs have thirty minutes and $200 to get supplies. Kenny is outraged -- OUTRAGED!! -- that he didn't win the Quickfire. He tells us about the various difficulties he's endured over the years, and though he's got my sympathy for each and every one of them, I'm not going to celebrate his gargantuan ego. An ego that will only be encouraged when he sails into the finals on the whims of the producers. Stephen knows nothing about Brazil, and can only come up with Brazilian steakhouses as a reference point, so he buys a bunch of steak. Meanwhile, Kevin admits that he knows nothing about Indian cuisine. Oh, come on! If he's never cooked it before, that's fine, but to have no idea how to even begin getting ingredients for one of the most well-known cuisines in the world? These people are kind of sad. Or maybe Kevin has that short-term memory condition from Memento, as he asks an employee where to find the spices. Really? Not sure where those are after seven challenges?

Back at the Kitchen, the chefs start on their two hours of prep time. Kelly works on a cold dish to get around the issue of not having equipment at the venue. Ed has had Chinese girlfriends, and thus knows all about Chinese food. Oh, is that how that works? Awesome! I can't wait to impress LabRat with my newly-acquired powers of southern cooking. I don't even have to study! Stephen marinates some flank steak. Kenny wonders how Stephen is going to keep steak, rice, and beans hot with only chafing dishes to work with. Coming from Texas, Tiffany has no worries about making Mexican food. She puts together some tamales. Angelo works on tuna sashimi and makes some candied wasabi as well. I'm not a big wasabi fan, and candying it does not make it sound more appealing. Amanda is making beef bourguignon with potatoes and horseradish mousse. She grins that something simple and done poorly so often can really shine when done well. Alex braises some veal, and will be making potato tortas as well. I've made those. They're good, but flipping them is a bitch. Speaking of flipping, Alex trips over a mat on the floor and falls to the ground, almost smashing his face into one of the stoves. Yeeks. Kevin hopes he can make a serviceable spice blend.

Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste. Alex tells him that he wanted to get veal cheeks, but couldn't, and settled on veal shank. Tiffany tells him that generally, tamales don't have enough meat, which really gets on her nerves. I completely agree. They're so good, but two bites in and you're done. Tiffany aims to fix this problem. Ptom wonders if Padma is going to be extra hard on Kevin's Indian food, given her background. Kevin thinks it's likely. Kenny is confident. No way! He's working on pork spare ribs and Thai green curry. As time winds down, chefs begin full-on sprinting around the room to get things done. Alex asks if anyone has room in their hotboxes.

Amanda: "There's actually no room in my hotbox."
Limecrete: "That's what she said!"
Empty apartment: [silence]
Limecrete: "This really works better with the viewing party."

Ed makes sure to carefully label everything with his food in it. Hehe. I don't blame him. Time runs out. That night, Kevin talks to his family on the phone. He tells us that he needs to work on his temper, which can be short. He hasn't really blown his top inappropriately that I can remember, despite the little flashback they show where he denies putting pepper in something. Kelly receives a care package from her husband. She's thrilled to discover booze in it.

The next morning, the chefs head for the Meridian House for the event. Kelly recaps the challenge for those who may have missed the three other times it's been covered. The chefs get half an hour to get ready for guests. Amanda discovers that the beef that came out dry yesterday has not magically become juicy overnight. She cuts it into smaller pieces, hoping that her sauce can improve it. Alex chows down on his food. I thought this would lead to a scene in which he didn't have enough for the guests, but that never comes, so buen provecho, I guess. Stephen wants to keep his steak moist and his rice dry. He does not encourage said dryness by adding a bunch of stock to it, which makes it gummy. Tiffany has a lot of things to chop for her salsa, and falls behind. She manages to pull it together by the time guests begin arriving. A guest asks Kevin if he's well-versed in Indian cuisine, and he admits that it's his first time. His game plan is to tell everyone that he's made "stewed chicken with the flavors of India" rather than "curried chicken". That way, nobody can nail him for missing the mark. Clever.

The judges enter. Along with Ptom, Padma, Gail, and Marcus, Jose Andres has come by to judge. Eric Rip-who? They stop by Ed's table first. His Chinese tea-smoked duck breast is served with pot stickers in Szechuan jus. Alex has Spanish ham torta, olive and tomato salad, and braised veal cheeks. All this global cuisine is making my spellcheck go batshit. Ed interviews that he doesn't envy Alex having to make Spanish food for a well-known Spanish chef. Hey, didn't Alex tell Ptom that he couldn't get veal cheeks, and had to use veal shank? Why is his dish identified as cheek? Weird. Stephen's coffee-marinated flank steak is served with chimichurri sauce and Brazil nuts, on top of black beans and rice. Kelly has a beef carpaccio with a spring vegetable salad and a bit of Parmigiano-Reggiano cheese. It looks good, if a bit sparse. Kevin nervously presents his food to Padma. He's got stewed chicken with a leek and parsnip puree, some fried lentils, and a mixture of cucumber and mango. Naturally, there's some curry as well.

Tasting #1. Kelly's dish is simple, well planned, and delicious. The Italian ambassador says that her carpaccio represents Italy better than he does. Heh. Jose Andres doesn't feel Ed's dish represented China very well, but the Chinese ambassador disagrees. I think I'll trust the latter on this one. Also, what's all this talk about the countries being "represented"? I thought they just had to serve as an inspiration. There's a big difference. Kevin's food smells great, and Padma enjoys his crispy lentils. Stephen's use of coffee was a nice touch, but that's about the only good thing. Ptom grouses that when the entire dish is just meat, beans, and rice, the rice had better be cooked properly. Marcus says that Brazil could be evoked with all sorts of flavors, be they South American, African, or Portuguese, and that Stephen had none of these. The Swedish ambassador thinks it would be good if he bought it at a street cart. Ouch. Alex's food is sloppy and bland.

Amanda is worried that her beef bourguignon isn't representing France well. Angelo presents his sashimi of tuna ribbons in chili oil marinade with a soy infusion, and the candied wasabi. Tiffany has chicken tamales with queso fresco and a tomatillo sauce with pico de gallo. Kenny has tamarind-braised pork with a cold rice noodle salad and the Thai green curry.

Tasting #2. Amanda's beef is weak. The pieces are too small, and the guests notice its dryness. Angelo's tuna looks fresh and clean, but the rest of his components mask the taste of the fish. The Austrian ambassador likes it, though. Tiffany's food is pure Mexico, and tastes great. Ptom appreciates that he can actually taste the corn husk. The Bahamanian ambassador thinks they're amazing. Kenny's curry gets good reviews. Gail likes that it doesn't have too much coconut. A guest likes the heat level of his food. Amanda tells Angelo that she knows she screwed up her beef, and figures that she's going to get eliminated unless someone else messed up even more. Kelly assures Stephen that he won't go home for his steak, but allows that she didn't taste his rice and beans. Padma thanks Marcus for his help in judging, and sends him on his merry way.

Interstitial. Angelo wraps the toilet up in plastic wrap, so when Stephen goes in, he pisses all over the place. Everyone has a good chuckle.

Judges' Table. In their fret 'n sweat, Alex tries to come up with reasons the judges wouldn't like his food. He thinks his flavors were okay. Kelly conjectures that maybe his dish wasn't very Spanish. Padma enters, and asks to see Kelly, Kevin, and Tiffany. When they come into the dining room, they're happy to learn that they are the top three. Tiffany gives the Standard Speech. She had a good time with the challenge, and it showed in her food. It was delicious and made perfect sense for the challenge. Tiffany thanks the judges and giggles with glee. Kevin's inexperience with Indian food worked to his advantage, as his food strikes the judges as very creative. Jose adds that his food was layered nicely. Kelly took a simple dish, and made it very elegant. Jose gets to announce the winner, which turns out to be... Tiffany, who has pulled off the rare double win. And to that, I say... Double yay! She wins ten-thousand dollars, and another ten grand is given to Jose's charity of choice in her name. She's thrilled to have her wedding paid for in one fell swoop, and Jose is thrilled with the donation. Thrill all around! Padma asks the top three to send out the less fortunate.

Tiffany's win is applauded back in the Kitchen. After the clapping subsides, she shares the news that the judges would like to see Alex, Stephen, and Ed. I'm surprised Amanda isn't getting called out after all that buildup. When they come into the dining room, Padma starts with Stephen. His idea was fine, but the rice was mealy and overcooked. Gail questions the chimichurri sauce's connection to Brazil. Ptom cuts to the heart of the matter, and says that if everything had been prepared well, his concept wouldn't have mattered as much. As it is, he fell down on execution. Padma wonders how Alex went from winning to tumbling to the bottom. She acts like it's the first time that's happened. It's happened this very season multiple times:

Episodes 1 & 2 - Angelo wins, then slacks off due to immunity and goes to Losers' Table.
Episodes 3 & 4 - Arnold wins, then gets eliminated.
Episodes 5 & 6 - Kenny wins, then gets saved by the Cult of Kenny.
Episodes 6 & 7 - Kevin wins, then sinks to the bottom.

It's been a wildly inconsistent season. I guess Tiffany had better watch her back next week. Anyway, Alex. Jose calls his food a "little nightmare". Yikes. Alex says that he's upset with himself, and couldn't edit himself. He says that during the Ptimewaste, Ptom told him that his dish didn't need to be Spanish, but just inspired by Spain. Ptom takes that as an insult, rather than the explanation it is. It figures. Just as I think to myself that Ptom hasn't gotten on my nerves in a really long time, and I should think about retiring my insulting nickname for him, he has to be obnoxious. Alex slips him a pacifier, and assures him that he wasn't blaming Ptom for his dish's problems. There were definite problems, though. The meat was dry, the sauce was watery, and Spain was nowhere to be found on the plate. Ed's sauce was good, but his food promised sweet and sour flavors, which were nowhere in the dish. He also didn't render the fat off the duck, which it desperately needed. He doesn't come up with much of a defense, and just grimly agrees with the judges. He appears to be keeping a tight lid on some anger. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. Jose admits that it was a tough challenge. Stephen's garlic was too pungent, and his rice was terrible. Ed's food didn't live up to his description, the duck fat wasn't rendered, and there wasn't enough smoky flavor. Alex's techniques, ingredients, and presentation were all subpar. Ptom says that his ingredients were fine, but didn't work with them well. Any good chef should be able to work with beef cheeks. Except they weren't beef cheeks, they were veal cheeks. Except they weren't veal cheeks, it was veal shank. Feel free to start correctly identifying the FOOD on this FOOD show anytime. Is Mrs. Johnson's afternoon kindergarten class editing this season? The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. The losing chefs all showed poor technique. Stephen's sauce was overpowering, and his rice was awful. Alex's was sloppy and in no way Spanish. Ed's duck was disappointing. Padma gives the bad news. Stephen. Please pack your knives and go. He thanks the judges for allowing him to be "part of the process". Huh. He gets good-bye hugs, and interviews that it's tough to be eliminated for execution problems. He really enjoyed his time on the show, and is honored to have been chosen to participate, but says that nobody realizes how difficult and intense this experience is. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that plenty of us do.

Overall Grade: B-

The Princess and the Pea Puree

Top Chef - Season 7, Episode 7

Previously on Top Chef: Peer review. Angelo "helped" Tamesha and Stephen. Kenny was convinced that everyone is out to get him, because it's inconceivable that his food wasn't up to par. Kevin scored the win, while Tamesha found her way to Losers' Table, in spite of (or maybe even due to) Angelo's assistance. Kenny's Shield of Invincibility activated again, and Tamesha was sent on her way. Ten chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. Homemade gazpacho that had a real kick to it. I was in a hurry, and just sliced up some bell peppers for dip, but at least they're LabRat's homegrown ones, so I got some style points. Panny made mini banana/blueberry pies that I certainly did not eat three of. Kender and the Aussies were also there to try and make a dent in the spread. Or at least drink. Especially for Rule #7: Take a drink whenever someone's dish is centered around scallops.

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Kelly tells Stephen that her roommates keep getting eliminated, and it's just down to her and Andrea. Vultures suddenly appear and begin to circle. Kenny doesn't allow the thought that his food put him into the bottom of the last challenge to enter his head for even a moment. Nope, it's just cause the other chefs are threatened and jealous. The fact that there have been six elimination challenges, and Kenny has been in the bottom for three of them doesn't seem to affect his ego. How nice. Angelo is mildly upset about Tamesha's elimination. Tiffany vows not to let him give her any ideas, lest she reap the same reward.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma and Congressman Aaron Schock, who would be yummy if he didn't have all of those idiotic social policy positions. He opens by telling the chefs that the first day after winning an election is spent on ethics.

Tiffany: "Ah, a representative from Illinois talking about ethics. That makes total sense."

He gives the chefs (and us) a very interesting little summary of the ethics problem of feeding politicians. Lobbyists can't be arranging vast gourmet dinners to help influence votes, so a workaround solution had to be found. That solution is... Toothpicks! The Quickfire Challenge will be to create a delicious, bite-sized mini-dish that can be speared on the end of a toothpick. Neat. I like this idea. This is also a high-stakes challenge. The winner will not only receive immunity, but twenty-thousand dollars to go along with it. Yipes.

Padma starts the clock, and the chefs spring into their thirty minutes of prep time. Everyone rushes the fridges at the same time. Angelo says it's like the Running of the Bulls, and that everyone's on attack, fighting for their protein of choice.

Limecrete: "So...nothing at all like the Running of the Bulls."

Kelly works on a seared bay scallop. DRINK! Stephen is convinced that he's in line for the money and immunity. I can't decide if it's kind of sad that Stephen is able to keep up such self-confidence after winning precisely zero challenges (and being in the bottom of most of them), or if it's kind of heartening. He works on a meat and scallop surf 'n turf on a potato cake and Bearnaise sauce. DRINK! Alex brags about his experience with canapes, and works on a pan-seared scallop. DRINK! Jeez, there isn't going to be any wine left by the Elimination Challenge. Tiffany has a clear picture of what she wants to do, and starts on a pork roulade, while Amanda is typically frenetic, but settles on a lamb kabob. Andrea stacks up some fried chicken and waffles. Ooh, I like the way she thinks. Angelo is going to roll shrimp up into some pineapple. He attacks something on the cutting board, and dices it to bits in an instant. He's not my favorite contestant ever, but that was super-impressive. Ed has problems translating regular food into something he can get onto a toothpick. Time winds down.

Padma and Aaron go down the line. Kevin's got a grilled pork kabob in a sherry vinegar sauce. I'm not sure if it should count as on-a-toothpick if you've got a cup of sauce underneath it. A minor quibble, but I'm a sucker for challenge parameters. Andrea has buttermilk-fried chicken on a pecan-cheddar waffle, and a black pepper maple gravy. I can't picture how that gravy would taste. Ed did a duo of tuna. One is a crunchy confit, one is grilled with avocado and sweet-and-sour watermelon. Tiffany has made a crispy pork roulade with prosciutto, dates, and a red pepper coulis. It looks just as good as all of the other stuff Tiffany has made. I wish she'd get more attention and credit, because her food appeals to me more than anyone else's this season. Amanda has a lamb kabob with fried tomato and a salsa verde. Kenny has a tandoori-spiced salmon kabob with shrimp and a mango mojito relish. Angelo's pineapple plan hasn't worked out, so he serves a mixture of shrimp and cashew in a cucumber cup. Stephen sauces his food as he explains it. I'm not sure why he wasn't required to sauce before time ran out. That said, his scallop and beef on potato cake looks very good. Alex's scallop includes bacon, strawberries, and basil essence. That doesn't sound like a great combination. Kelly's scallop has salted watermelon and a watermelon vinaigrette.

Results. The bottom three are Alex (for a confusing, off-putting mixture of flavors), Ed (for just plain tasting bad), and Kelly (for a lack of flavor). Kelly is not a fan of being in the bottom. She vows to bring bigger and bolder flavors to the Elimination Challenge. Now, for the good news. Kevin's food stayed with Aaron, even as he tasted everyone else's. Angelo gets a "wow" for his fiery shrimp on a cool cucumber. Stephen's little bite was hearty and satisfying. The winner of immunity and the big, fat check is... Angelo. He gives the Standard Speech. Kevin is bitterly jealous.

Elimination Challenge. Padma tells the chefs that they'll be taking part in the old tradition of a power lunch. This theme won't have much to do with what's made and served, so really the challenge is just to make lunch at an area restaurant for twenty-four people. The only other wrinkle is that the chefs will be working with one of five specific proteins that they'll draw knives for. No worries, though, because the proteins are fairly standard:

Swordfish - Andrea and Tiffany
Porterhouse - Amanda and Kelly
Lobster - Angelo and Ed
Lamb chops - Kevin and Kenny
Salmon - Alex and Stephen

Padma explains that although there are two chefs per protein, this is not a head-to-head challenge. The dishes will have to stand up to all of the other ones. The chefs head off to shop with three-hundred dollars. That's kind of a lot, considering they don't have to buy their protein. I'd be heading for the good stuff. Stephen is as self-confident as ever. Andrea isn't generally a fan of swordfish, and says she'll be doing something different with it. She heads for the cashier, and her total doesn't even hit the $200 mark. Back at the Kitchen, the chefs have two hours to prep. Ed and Angelo realize that everyone else's proteins are pretty much set, but that they have to kill and break down theirs right there in the Kitchen. Tiffany chops olives as Angelo wrestles with his mutant lobsters. Alex is suffering from a surfeit of options. There are infinite ways to prepare salmon, and he can't decide what to do. Amanda has no experience with porterhouse steaks, and solves the problem by hacking the bones off, turning them into a bunch of strip steaks and fillets. Kelly doesn't approve.

Kevin's got some experience serving power brokers, and feels like he knows what they're looking for. Is this like he "knows" how to make baby food because he's got a baby? Angelo and Ed hurry to keep up with everyone. Andrea knows swordfish is usually served with some sort of tropical salsa, and you'd think she could make a good one, being from Miami and all. She doesn't want to go that direction, though, and says she'll be making a vanilla bean/mustard sauce. That is a very odd combination of flavors, and like her maple/black pepper gravy, I can't picture how it would taste. Time winds down, and Ed worries that he's had to spend too much time cracking out lobster meat.

That night, Alex tells the others that he's still not sure what he's going to do with his salmon. He mentions peas, and Andrea and Kenny tell him that Ed bought peas of his own for a puree. Alex rubs his chin. In another room, Ed tells Tiffany that he's got a pea puree [1]. Tiffany asks if it's cold, and Ed says that it'll be warm. Warm pea goo underneath lobster? Ick. Actually, cold pea goo wouldn't be any better. I'm not a big pea fan. Ed and Tiffany's friendship has not escaped notice, and Andrea tut-tuts that Tiffany's fiancee would be none too pleased if he knew about it. Tiffany hears this psychically, and assures us all that she's happy with the man she's got at home.

As we go into the commercials, the teaser treats us to three more utterances of "pea puree", so: [2], [3], and [4]. When we return, the chefs arrive at the Palm restaurant, where there are caricatures of people who have eaten there and politicians drawn on the wall. I get the whole Sardi's thing, but I don't see a wall full of goofy drawings as the hallmark of a great restaurant. I guess I'm in the minority on that one. The guy in charge of the restaurant comes back to give the chefs some contrived reality show blather. They've got a "fully-booked lunch". Except we've already been told they're serving twenty-four people. Ptom will be back in the kitchen during prep to keep an eye on things. Why? Um... Because... Shut up. That's why. The winning chef will get his or her dish put onto the menu, and their face drawn onto the wall. Stephen is still supremely self-confident and optimistic. I've decided it's heartening.

Everyone gets started. Amanda is still spazzing all over the place, and it's really starting to stick in Kelly's craw. Kelly tersely asks her to move her coolers so that people can walk around the kitchen, and to cook near her station. In essence, to get out of the fucking way. In addition to that, Amanda has neglected to bring any salt or pepper, and asks to borrow some of Kelly's. Wait, why doesn't this restaurant have any salt or pepper? I guess the challenge involved bringing everything you'd need, but if that's the case, I wish they'd told us that. Kelly declines to give Amanda any of her seasonings, and shuts down Alex as well. Amanda sneers in interview that Kelly is oversalting all of her food, anyway. Alex decides to make a pea puree [5]. He says it's risky, because the entire dish revolves around that pea puree [6]. Ptom drops by in that awful purple chef's coat of his. As promised, he's going to stay in the kitchen for the entire challenge. He nags them about keeping their stations clean. Everyone ignores him. Andrea asks Kelly if she has any extra butter, and before we hear if Kelly would relax her rules to give some to her pal, Amanda jumps in and offers some of hers.

Kenny wants his lamb to be more successful than it was last week. Angelo slices his finger, and hides it from Ptom as he walks by. Ptom is such a hall monitor this week. Ed goes back to the cooler, and cannot find his pea puree [7]. He asks about the pea puree again[8], as we see Alex working with his. Is it the same one? Let's not find out! Ed starts asking if anyone else has seen his pea puree [9]. Nobody has, and Ed wonders if someone has taken his pea puree [10]. He asks Stephen directly if he's got the pea puree [11]. Stephen says that no, he hasn't got the pea puree [12]. Ed then asks Alex if he's seen the pea puree [13]. Alex denies it, curiously not mentioning that he's got one of his own. Odd. Tiffany also notes this, saying that Alex is the only other person with a pea puree [14], and that he certainly didn't make it yesterday. Ed says he'll be pissed if Alex stole that pea puree [15]. And since there are cameras taping, if not everyone's every single move, then at least their entire cooking prep, and since there are receipts for everything bought at the store, it should be no trouble to figure out if Alex got grabby. Well, forget it. I'll tell you now that the paper trail and Ptom's supervision and the fact that there are a gazillion cameras everywhere means nothing. Nobody knows if Alex took Ed's puree or made his own. Wow, that's not annoying at all, show.

Tiffany kindly pulls Ed back from the brink, telling him he has to focus and make something else. She offers him some broccolini. Better watch it, Ed! That stuff can be dangerous. Ed is pissed off, but is able to contain himself enough to work on an alternative. Diners filter in. Kevin obsesses over Kenny. A soundbite of Ptom saying that he'll be tasting the chefs' dishes is crudely dubbed into the episode. What was the point of that? Of course he'll be tasting them; he's the head judge. And even if he hadn't said so, we can see him doing it. I don't know what is up with the editing this season, but it is wretched.

Padma introduces the diners/judges. Along with Padma, Gail, and Ptom back in the kitchen, there's Senator Mark Warner, Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborough, John Podesta, Top Chef Masters contestant Art Smith (who's lost a bunch of weight), and Bruce Bozzi (who manages/owns/whatevers the Palm). NBC correspondents Kelly O'Donnell, Luke Russert, and Savannah Guthrie are also judging.

The protein pairs are served together. First up are Kelly and Amanda. Kelly makes sure to tell everyone that her porterhouse steak is on the bone, and is served with a roasted shallot demi-glace and a potato/arugula/endive salad. Amanda serves a duo of New York strip steak and filet mignon in red wine, with French-style potatoes and arugula. Everyone really enjoys Amanda's steaks, but Kelly's portions are too big and too salty. You should know now that as each dish is discussed, the horrendous editing continues with a shot of Ptom putting a bite into his mouth. Every dish. Seriously. Ten shots of Ptom putting food in his mouth. For no reason. Sigh.

Andrea and Tiffany. Tiffany has swordfish with an olive and raisin tapenade on top, served with broccolini and bacon. Andrea's swordfish is pan-seared with Israeli couscous risotto, asparagus, and that odd vanilla bean/mustard butter sauce. Everyone except Padma thinks Andrea's sauce is far too sweet, while Tiffany's dish was zesty and distinctive, if a touch too well-done. Back in the kitchen, Tiffany resigns herself to being on the bottom, saying that she knows she overcooked the fish. Stephen and Alex. Stephen's salmon is served on a warm spinach/arugula salad, with a Worcestershire vinaigrette. Alex has applewood-smoked salmon with black Forbidden Rice and the much-discussed English pea puree [16]. Art loves the sweetness of the pea. Alex also has a good portion size, so nobody would leave lunch feeling heavy and gross. Stephen's salmon is messy and heavy.

Ed and Angelo. Ed struggles to finish on time, but makes it. Angelo's lobster is butter-poached, and served with lobster froth and a jicama/Asian pear/arugula salad. Was there a sale on arugula today? It's everywhere! Ed has a butter-poached lobster ballotine, with smoky eggplant caviar and English pea/asparagus fricassee. Angelo's lobster has texture issues, and nobody cares for the foam. Ed's lobster was flavorful, and the eggplant also worked really well, though the peas were unnecessary. Kevin and Kenny. Kenny's has a double chop of lamb, one with the bone, and one without. They're peppered, and served with fig/pistachio bread pudding, fig jam, broccolini, and a vanilla/morel demi-glace. Kevin has broiled a double-cut lamb chop, and serves it with olive and goat cheese rissole, a tomato concasse, and some mache on top. Kenny's lamb is good, but nobody likes the other things on his plate. Kevin's plate was strong flavor after strong flavor, and had no balance. Gail's portion is overcooked. Of course, "overcooked" on this show means a perfectly acceptable medium, but I suppose they have to stick to their standards.

Lunch winds down. Ptom reports that the prep was a little sloppy. Art spews his usual bullshit about how food is love. There is one person that I'll accept the food-as-love argument from, and her name is Carla. Meanwhile, Ed is complaining to Tiffany about his missing pea puree [17]. The gossip spreads quickly. Kevin tells us that Alex had pea puree [18] and if he stole Ed's pea puree [19], it's a grimy thing to do. I'd say it's a you-get-kicked-off-the-show thing to do.

Interstitial. Stephen gives a "seminar" on how to handle being at Losers' Table, and cracks everyone up.

Fret 'n sweat. Everyone gossips about the pea puree [20]. Alex interviews that some people think he took the pea puree [21], but that it was just a coincidence that they both had that component. He didn't even know that Ed was making a pea puree [22]. There's a damning black and white flashback to Andrea and Kenny telling Alex (the night after the two-hour Kitchen prep) that Ed bought peas and pureed them. That's not to say Alex didn't just make a puree of his own, but that still doesn't explain what happened to Ed's, and especially why the production can't figure out what happened. I can't begin to guess the truth, but if I were to indulge my inner conspiracy nut, I could come up with some wild theories:

1) Alex made his own puree, and Ed simply forgot his. This seems odd, as there would surely be some footage of Alex doing this, and the grocery store receipt would confirm the pea purchase.

2) Alex made a pea puree, but forgot it, and took Ed's by accident. That has the same problems as above, though.

3) Alex out-and-out stole the puree, but the producers can't prove it, and so shrouded the whole thing in mystery to avoid having to take any action.

4) Alex out-and-out stole the puree, the producers know it and can prove it, and are choosing not to do anything about it, because it would besmirch the show and wreck up the schedule to have to kick someone out without planning to.

5) A wizard did it.

Pick your favorite. Padma comes in, and summons Alex, Tiffany, and Ed to the table. When they come out to Judges' Table, Padma tells them they had the three best dishes of the night, rendering the entire pea incident almost moot. Almost. Tiffany begins leaking tears, admitting that she thought she'd be on the bottom. Luckily, the juices released a lot of flavor, wiping out any dryness the fish may have had. Ed's lobster was a challenge, but he overcame that challenge nicely. Art tells Alex that his fish was cooked perfectly, and he loved the pea puree [23]. Eesh, what a twist of the knife. The viewing party wonders why Ed doesn't mention something, but I think it would have looked like extremely sour grapes to stand at the Winners' Table and complain. Maybe Ed would have said something if he was on the bottom, but since he knows he's safe, it's wiser to keep his mouth shut. So he just stands there and looks pissed off, as does Tiffany. Art gets to announce the winner, which turns out be Alex. Well, since I have no idea if he's innocent or guilty, I'll just give that a "hmm".

Back in the Kitchen, Alex's win is greeted with steely eyes. Kenny interviews that the judges were impressed with the silky, delicious pea puree [24], and that there was no way Alex had the time to make a proper English pea puree [25]. All that aside, Alex informs the waiting chefs that the judges want to see Kelly, Andrea, and Kevin. I'm just now noticing that Odd Asian Music and Gong don't greet the losing chefs anymore. Did they get laid off? Kevin's tomato concasse was nothing but heat. Ptom found the chops overcooked, and though Kevin says he prefers lamb to be more medium than rare, Art questions the care put into the dish. OHMYGODSHUTUP. Why do they keep inviting this guy to be on the show? He's such a goddamn hack.

Andrea admits that she doesn't cook swordfish often, and Art tells her that it showed. The couscous was goopy and overcooked. The vanilla sauce was also way too sweet. Andrea does her best to explain herself without it sounding like an excuse, saying that she's tried that blend of vanilla and mustard before to great success. Gail makes the first shitty argument I've ever heard her put forth when she says that if they wanted to taste Andrea's usual fare, they'd just come to her restaurant. So... These people are supposed to invent new techniques out of whole cloth, just because they're coming on the show? That's moronic. Kelly's dish was way too salty, but to her credit, she knows it before the judges tell her. The chefs are dismissed. Back in the Kitchen, an awful Frankenbyte makes Amanda sound smugly triumphant about Kelly's food being too salty after she refused to share. Amanda probably does feel that way, but that quote was so obviously patched together from different sources, I'm not going to give her crap for it.

Deliberations. Andrea's fish was under the heat lamp for up to eight minutes. Art says that not liking a food or not working with it often doesn't give you an excuse to execute it poorly. I agree, up to a point. Kevin's flavors were disparate, and his cooking technique was bound to fail, though Art says he could "feel that his intentions were good." SHUT UP. Thanks a lot for unleashing the Miss Cleo of the food world on us, Oprah. Between him and Doctor Phil, I'm starting to question your sanity. Kelly put way too much salt in everything, which is a simple thing to avoid. Art questions her palate. Hey, a legitimate critique about food, and not some crap about how Kelly didn't pour enough of her soul into her steaks! Baby steps! The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. Gosh, it's actually sort of suspenseful when Angelo and Kenny aren't around to get a free pass. I honestly don't know who's going. Ptom gives us one those terrible wordplay phrases he's so bad at, and yet we cannot escape: It should have been a "power lunch", but made the judges want to take a "power nap". HAHAHAHAHAHA! GET IT?!?! Kevin's lamb was not cooked well. Kelly. Salt. Andrea's dish was unfocused, and her vanilla ruined the sauce. He throws it over to Padma. Andrea. Please pack your knives and go. Aw, nuts.

She hugs Kelly, and in her final interview, tells us that she never really got a chance to show herself. Oh, Andrea. I like you, but I'd say fourteen challenges is more than enough opportunity to show yourself. She says that the problems she had were more mental than anything else. That, I'll buy. This seems like such a self-esteem-grinding, degrading experience. She respects the judges, but doesn't need their validation. Padma gives her kind of a bitchy "that'll be all, thank you". Well, that was uncalled for. After telling the chefs in the Kitchen to "hug it out, bitches" (heh), Andrea reminds us that this is a game, and she just didn't play it well today. She closes by saying "at the end of the day" (DRINK!), she'll just have to accept it and move on. That's a healthy attitude. All I have to say to that is... Pea puree [26].

Overall Grade: B-