Eating Crow

Top Chef - Season 7, Episode 9

Previously on Top Chef: Global cuisine! Brazil apparently has the most difficult food on the planet. Alex's popularity plummeted. Tiffany swept the episode's challenges, while Stephen just got swept. Out the door. Eight chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. I brought some very nice cheese, but was completely overshadowed by LabRat, who brought a huge honking cantaloupe that he grew in the back garden. Jerk. I'll have to console myself with Drinking Game Rule #9: Take a drink whenever someone claims not to care that other people don't like them. If they mention the magical phrase "not here to make friends," chug the whole thing.

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Amanda wakes up with her pirate pants pajamas, and laments that her buddy Stephen got eliminated. Kenny wakes up with his Jupiter-sized ego, and whines that he can't understand why the judges are suddenly no longer interested in falling all over themselves to pat him on the back. My certainty that this wad is going to win the season weighs heavily on my soul.

Quickfire Challenge. It appears as though Episode 9 of this season will be a complete redo of Episode 9 of last season. Normally, I'd be grumpy about this, but I heartily enjoy the tag team challenge. Each team member gets ten minutes to cook, and although immunity is not up for grabs, a ten-thousand-dollar prize is. As in last season, the chefs draw knives to select team captains. Kevin winds up getting first choice, while Ed gets second. The teams shake out to be:

Blue: Kevin, Kenny, Kelly, and Amanda
Red: Ed, Tiffany, Angelo, and Alex

Ed has mixed feelings. He got to scoop up his crush, but had to take his least favorite person as well. Alex interviews that being chosen last doesn't matter to him. I'll count that as a "not caring what people think," so DRINK! Padma gives the chefs forty-five seconds to decide the order in which they'll cook. The first-position chefs take their marks, and everyone else slips on the blindfolds. Ready? Go!

Kenny versus Tiffany. Kenny brags about himself, because if his ego isn't stroked every twenty seconds... I don't know, Mount Vesuvius will erupt or something. Tiffany is being as strategic as she can. She gets pans heating so the others won't have to wait. She leaves the head on the snapper she's prepping so her teammates will know right off the bat what they're cooking. Smart! Kenny works on a mustard sauce and gets some prawns ready to cook. The whistle blows, and Amanda and Alex leap into the fray. Here's another echo of last season, in which the chefs the rest of the team deemed the most useless are put into second-position, so they're neither choosing the ingredients, nor responsible for the final product. Amanda picks up Kenny's brainwave, and runs to blanch some pasta, which is exactly what he envisioned. All Alex is shown doing is sprinkling salt on the fish, which causes Tiffany's face to contort in horror.

When the whistle goes off, Kevin and Ed come in as third-position. Tiffany asks Alex if he seasoned the fish, and when he affirms that he did, she takes the gentlest tack possible in calling him a moron, hoping that Ed will be able to see the salt that is pretty much invisible against the white skin of the snapper. Kevin doesn't have much to do but some grunt work, and tears through it. The whistle blows. As Angelo interviews that his team station is a giant wreck that looks like a Tasmanian devil blew through, he runs around, grabs some salt, and throws a big fistful onto the fish. People who live in glass Tasmanian devil houses... Alex is upset, I guess because he was hoping the salt already on the fish would glow an unearthly shade of green so that Angelo could see it. Meanwhile, the steady flow of the blue team continues, as Kelly is easily able to see what the others were going for. She sears the prawn and gets everything else ready in a snap. Angelo figures out the fish is too salty, and throws in some cilantro to try and counterbalance it. Time runs out.

Padma introduces the guest judge who will cast the deciding vote on which team's dish is better: Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. The chefs are blown away. Nancy says she's delighted to be there. Well, sure. It must be nice to cast a vote that doesn't bring on a maelstrom of criticism from conservative cable news networks. Kevin explains the blue team's dish. It's sauteed shrimp with angel hair pasta, a mustard sauce, marinated tomatoes, and crispy basil. One of these days I'm going to nail down what chefs think the difference between prawn and shrimp is, if any. On this show at least, they use the terms interchangeably. Nancy likes the al dente pasta and the homey (meaning Californian) feel of the shrimp. Ed presents the red team's dish. It's roasted red snapper in aromatic broth, with wilted greens and some maitake mushrooms. Nancy finds it tasty and wholesome, but the cilantro didn't do its job, and she immediately picks up on the oversalting. Tiffany grouses about Alex in interview. Yep, he pretty much screwed them. Nancy pretends she's got a difficult choice before awarding the win to Kevin's team.

Limecrete: "Well, of course she'd pick blue over red."

The blue team is excited. Amanda is happy to have won her first challenge. I'd be a little less excited if the only way I could achieve a win is to have three other people helping me out, but who am I to stand in the way of her joy? Padma thanks Nancy for the judging help, and Nancy wishes everyone luck on her way out. Alex's popularity among the other chefs plummets some more.

Elimination Challenge. I wouldn't be calling this episode a carbon copy of last season if the Elimination Challenge wasn't the same as well. It's time for the traditional Restaurant Wars, and every season, I must disclose the fact that I don't enjoy this challenge as much as the rest of the viewing audience seems to. It strikes me that people are asked to do things they wouldn't necessarily have to do as a chef, and that competitors are often both rewarded and punished for things that aren't their doing. Some are better than others, though, so let's see how this one goes. Kenny feeds his ego again. The chefs will remain in the same teams, and will be taking over a pre-existing restaurant. Hooray! No footage of people buying tablecloths and hanging paper lanterns! The teams will present three-course menus, with two options for each course. Everyone is responsible for at least one dish. The red team isn't happy to have Alex the Anchor weighing them down, especially when they learn that former New York Times restaurant critic Frank Bruni will be guest judging.

I'm skipping a pointless shill segment, and moving right into shopping. Ed and Angelo discuss minimizing Alex's role as much as possible. It goes without saying that they're going to stick him in front-of-house. Kevin overhears this from the backseat, and crabs that people in a team should all work together. It's easy to say that when you're satisfied with all of your teammates. I'm curious to know how he'd handle having Alex on his side, given his previous comments about him. Team members arrive at Whole Foods and the restaurant supply store, and try to synchronize their shopping lists. The red team is spazzing over their ingredients, and Kenny and Amanda watch from the side, grateful to be on the blue team.

Back in the Kitchen, the teams have two hours to prep. Angelo says that the red team's roles just naturally fell into place. If by "naturally" he means "announced authoritatively that he would be head chef and assigned duties to everyone else", then sure. He tells Alex to butcher the meat. Dishes are explained, but I'm going to ignore the menus until we get to the actual meal. Well, except to say that the red team is hilariously working on a pea puree. I really should have made that goo part of the drinking game. Kelly will be front-of-house for the blue team, and works on a cold soup and dessert so she won't be torn between kitchen duties and dining room duties. I like the methodical way she thinks. Prepare yourself for a shock. Kenny will be assuming the executive chef role for the blue team. Meanwhile, Alex is doing a wretched job of butchering the meat, which is his sole responsibility. Angelo loses his patience, and takes over. Alex retreats to prep Tiffany's fish, while Tiffany frets about how organized the other team seems to be.

The next day, the chefs arrive at the restaurant, with four hours to get everything ready. The red team decides to call their restaurant "EVOO" (extra virgin olive oil), which is a terrible name. Not as bad as "Revolt", but still. Angelo says it refers to the Mediterranean flavors they're going to create. I doubt that name will evoke such an image. There's only one kitchen in this restaurant, so the teams are very intermingled as they cook. Tiffany discovers that Alex hasn't cleaned the red team's fish properly. I know editing affects a lot, but has he done a single thing correctly this week? Anything? Kenny tells us that the blue team's restaurant name is "2121", which is the address of the Top Chef house. Not particularly creative, but better than the competition. I'm just going to stick with "red" and "blue". Angelo notes how well the blue team is communicating, but cautions against being overconfident. Amanda tries to figure out how to use a wood-burning grill, interviewing that every grill has its own personality.

Tiffany: "Really? Because you don't."

Kenny writes himself another chapter in the epic story of KENNY VS. ANGELO: MASTER CHEF TAKES ON YOUNG UPSTART, that he's been fantasizing about since the first episode. He delights in Angelo losing his patience and temper over Alex's screwups. Alex bristles at being condescended to, but can't do much about it, because have I mentioned the massive screwups? He and Kelly head out to the front of the house to meet the servers and get everything set up. Kelly interviews that she's never really done this kind of work in a restaurant before, and doesn't want to get eliminated for something she never claimed to be a master of. Laurine is sitting at home, watching this and thinking, "Exactly. Fuckers." That's always been one of my problems with Restaurant Wars. A person who is a perfectly good chef could be eliminated for non-chef reasons, and a sub-par chef can safely hide from having to cook anything. Of course, Kelly has also bragged that you have know a bit of everything when opening a restaurant, so she kind of walked into this one.

She nervously chats with her servers, while Alex is a total douche to his. He brags about this in interview, not quite getting that if these servers screw him over, he doesn't get to fire them. The blue team serves up a plate of each of their dishes so that the servers can taste them, and thus explain them better to diners. Alex disdains this method, because he pictures himself such a lyrical poet that just describing the food to the servers is good enough. Oy. Kenny says that the red team's servers will go into the dining room with "negative energy". He seems to be a practical sort of person, so I'll interpret that in less of a Professor Trelawney kind of way, and more as a "the red team's servers have no incentive to do a good job," which I totally agree with. Time winds down. Food finishes cooking. Final instructions are given. And just like that, the restaurants are open for business.

Diners get seated and food starts going out. One of the red team servers is missing three crudos (crudoes?) for one of her tables. It's almost as if the red team's servers have no incentive to do a good job! As Alex explains the snafu to his table, the judges walk in. Gail makes a bitchy comment about there not being anyone at the hostess stand. Because you're instantly greeted in every restaurant ever, and never have to wait the full ten seconds that she has to. Gail, though normally my favorite judge, will not be covering herself in glory tonight. A server seats the judges, and Alex comes over to greet them. Padma introduces Frank Bruni. Alex nervously explains the Mediterranean influence, and withdraws to get the food. The judges clink glasses as the first course comes out. Angelo has made a confit of tomato soup with some squash and an olive crouton. Tiffany has made a crudo of black bass and yellowtail snapper with a lemon-caper relish. Alex describes the microgreens on top as a "summer salad". Ptom asks why, and Alex responds in what he thinks is an amusing way that it just sounds better than saying "microgreens". The judges aren't impressed. As to the food, Angelo's soup is a hit, but Tiffany's fish is too salty. You'd think she'd keep an eye on that after the disastrous Quickfire.

The second course is a while in coming, and Padma rudely shouts "How we doin'?!?!" across the restaurant. She follows this up with a whiny "I waaant my second cooooourse," like she's a fucking toddler. This is another thing I don't like about Restaurant Wars. We're meant to accept these judges as sophisticated diners, yet they often act like they just got denied chicken nuggets for breakfast. If the judges weren't Top Chef luminaries, and acted like this in a real restaurant, their entree would wind up being spit soup with a loogie crouton. Kevin cringes at the red team's disorganization. The second course is finally brought out before Padma can throw herself down on the floor screaming, or Ptom can scrawl with crayon all over the walls. Tiffany has made a pan-seared striped bass, with stewed spinach, fennel, chorizo, and clams. Ed has a slow-baked turbot with eggplant caviar and a black olive jus. Both of the dishes get generally positive reviews. Everyone loves Ed's fish, and while Tiffany's may have been a touch overcooked, it's got good flavors.

Third course. Alex has a pan-seared lamb chop on top of the oft-discussed pea puree, with smoked bacon and Parmesan foam. Trying to hearken back to more successful times, are we? He initially misidentifies the lamb as pork, but quickly corrects himself after Ptom makes a snide comment. Angelo and Ed have cooperated on a seared rib eye steak, with crushed walnut potatoes and a balsamic fig reduction. I'm not the biggest walnut fan, but that sounds pretty good. Frank enjoys the lamb, but has some texture issues. The steak is so-so, but the potatoes are a hit. The fact that it's not a terribly Mediterranean dish is brought up. True, but I'd hope that's mostly overlooked if it tastes good enough. Frank found the service spotty, and guesses that the team's focus was more on the kitchen than the dining room. Very perceptive.

On to the blue team! Interstitial. Amanda has to redo steak, because she's not cooking it to the proper doneness. She wants to stand there and debate Kelly about it, and talk about all the problems she's having with this unfamiliar grill. Kelly doesn't want to hear it, and just tells her to keep an eye on it.

Kelly greets the judges as they come in the door. She describes the menu as "Progressive American". As we've discussed before, calling your food "American" means that you can do whatever the hell you'd like to it. Kelly comes back to the kitchen and asks for the first course. Kenny interviews that he's not bringing his ego to this particular challenge. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Whew! I need to wipe a couple of tears away before I continue. Okay, I'm ready. Kelly has made a chilled sweet corn soup with Maryland blue crab salad. Kenny's first course offering is beet salad with a warm chorizo/citrus vinaigrette. That makes it sound simple, which it's not. As is often the case, he's thrown everything but the kitchen sink onto this plate, from endive to candied nuts to pickled kumquat. Kelly's soup is deemed too thin and weak. Kenny's dish has far too many components, and is muddied.

Second course. Amanda's New York strip steak is grilled with roasted sunchokes and maitake mushrooms. Kevin made a pan-roasted halibut with white beans, a fennel marmalade and a tomato/fennel emulsion. Amanda's steak is too thin, and though the meat is a big disappointment, the sauce is good. Kevin's fish is not only visually appealing, but tastes good, too. Kelly makes sure to check in to make sure everything is okay. Kenny knows that executive chef is a risky position to take, but is confident in his abilities. My jaw fails to hit the ground.

Third course. Kenny has made crispy aged goat cheese on top of a strawberry-rhubarb relish, with some fresh arugula on the side. Kelly has made a dark chocolate ganache tart, with blackberry/chocolate chunk ice cream. I'm surprised we didn't hear more about how difficult dessert was to put together; Kelly seemed to have no issue with it whatsoever. Her tart is a huge hit with the judges, though the ice cream doesn't have enough flavor. Kenny's cheese plate is described as "awful". It's salty and mushy and according to Frank, a "horror show". Yikes. I'd be excited if I hadn't decided long ago that Kenny is destined to win the season. I begin trying to puzzle out how the judges will shift blame onto someone else to avoid eliminating him.

The judges talk. Ptom thinks the services went fairly well, all things considered. Frank says that both teams had better luck with fish than with other dishes. He hates the name "EVOO", so we're certainly in agreement on that one. Both teams had both hits and misses with their food. Tiffany's first-course fish was the weak point of the red team's menu, while Kelly's soup and both of Kenny's dishes didn't do the blue team any favors. Kelly's service was miles better than Alex's, though. Frank says that neither team should have announced their theme, because they painted themselves into a corner as far as sticking to it. Everyone packs up and heads back to the Kitchen.

Judges' Table. Padma asks to see the red team out in the dining room. The blue team is left to stew in anxiety. Amanda tries to hold on to her sense of confidence, but there's no getting around the fact that the winners are called first 99.9999% of the time. Indeed, when the red team comes out to face the judges, they're told they are the winning team. They are genuinely shocked. Alex admits to his nerves, but reports that he was calm and collected at every table but the judges'. Angelo's soup was pretty and flavorful. Tiffany's (second-course) bass was good, and Ed's turbot was fantastic. Ptom asks about the lamb dish, and Angelo responds that Alex conceptualized it, and Ed/Angelo executed it. Ptom enjoyed that dish vastly. There's nothing that pea puree can't achieve! Frank gets to announce the individual winner, and Ed's turbot wins the day. I'm happy to see it; he's come a long way from Assville.

WhiteTiffany: "You get to bang [Black]Tiffany as a reward."

Heh. No such luck for him, I'm afraid. He wins a trip to a Napa winery and a huge bottle of wine. Back in the Kitchen, the blue team has the good grace to clap for Ed's win before heading out to face the judges. They are as stunned with their loss as the red team was with their win. Kenny explains his surprise, going into all the chaos and miscommunication the red team had. True as that may be, Gail explains that the diners in a restaurant don't really give a good goddamn about the behind-the-scenes drama, as long as the food is good and the service is smooth. Frank gives Kelly a royal backhanded compliment, telling her that she had a clumsy charisma that served her well in front-of-house. "Thank you, [crap nugget]," she says, though the "crap nugget" is silent. She admits she likes her soups on the thinner side, but her corn soup went too far in that direction. Kenny's beet salad was a muddled mess. Frank tells him it was a beet salad "done through the guise of a Hamburger Helper". Ouch. Kenny can't stop some rage from fleeting across his face.

Kevin's halibut was a bright spot, but Amanda's steak was overcooked and dry. Just like last week. It's a good thing she works at a place called "The Water Grill", because meat is not her friend. A hurt Amanda apologizes and says that she's surprised Frank found the meat overcooked. Ptom corrects her to say that all four of the judges felt the same way on this point. Amanda quivers, near tears. Kenny's cheese course had ambition, but the execution was way off. Kenny's ego, having not only been denied food for the past few minutes, but is actively being starved, snaps. Rather than trying to defend his food on any level, he casts around for a way to make his menu acceptable, landing on Alex as a handy target. See, Alex only conceptualized his dish, and didn't actually cook anything. Therefore, he should be sent home, despite being on the winning team.

You know, if it weren't Kenny making this point, I would probably be more sympathetic to it. Alex really did stink up this challenge. And after all, the judges have shown no inclination to stick to team structure when picking a loser. Why not pluck someone off the winning team if they didn't contribute the required amount of work? I'm trying to look at it from a Kenny-happy judging panel's point of view, not mine. I would be enraged if they did this, just as I was in the school challenge. It can't be denied that Alex did minimal work, and did that minimal work poorly. Thems the breaks in team challenges, though. You rise or fall as a group. Sorry your food sucked, Kenster, but that doesn't mean the rules magically change in your favor. Or at least, it shouldn't.

Ptom asks if that means Alex didn't conceive his dish. Kevin jumps in to agree, and says that Ed and Angelo did all the work on it. Okay, but doing all the work doesn't mean they conceived it. I'm struggling to understand how important it is that Alex came up with the idea for the lamb. Is that enough, or was he responsible for actually preparing most or all of it? It's clear how Kenny and Kevin feel. They tell the judges that Alex needs to go. Padma dismisses them. I write an "A" in my notebook, ready for either Alex or Amanda to be eliminated. They are the natural secondary choices after Kenny's Shield of Invincibility is activated. The blue team wastes no time in jumping down Alex's throat when they get back to the Kitchen. Kevin sounds about eleven (both in age and volume) as he leaps up and screams "Your ass should be going!!! You didn't do a fucking thing!!!" How's that goal to control your temper coming along, Kevin? The red team, very calm under the circumstances, essentially tells him to shove it, saying that they were very clear to the judges about who did what. Kenny tries to argue it logically, pointing out all the ways in which Alex didn't help. Alex brings up the prep work he did (poorly, but still), and Angelo sticks up for him, telling him he doesn't need to justify anything to the blue team. Wow, Angelo has come a long way, too. Assville is losing residents at a steady rate!

Deliberations. Kelly soup was thin and flavorless. Amanda's steak was awful, and it was the only thing she was responsible for. Kevin didn't do a lot of work, but he did it well. Kenny did well as a leader, but hideously poorly as a cook. His two dishes were the worst things about the blue team's menu. Frank says that Alex may not have pulled his weight, but in a team challenge, if the rest of the people pull you through, it's understood that everyone's safe for the time being. Thank you for that much-needed reminder, Frank. Not that it does Jacqueline much good. The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. I fill out the "A" in my notebook with "manda". Ptom gives each chef some blather about what they did well and what they did poorly. It's all the stuff you've already heard. The viewing party tells me that it may just be Kenny's time, and I scoff loudly. "Have you even been watching this season? He's going to win," I snort. They hem and haw, and I offer to make three courses of my own for next week's viewing party if Kenny gets eliminated. If not, then I'm to be rewarded by goodies provided by other people. I lean back in my chair, satisfied, and wait to bathe in an aura of bet-winning superiority. Ptom throws it over to Padma for the big news. Kenny. Please pack your knives and go. My mind is immediately torn into two pieces. The quieter piece says "Damn. Not only have I lost the bet, but I've got all those recaps, published for the entire world to see, crowing about how obvious Kenny's win is being telegraphed. I look dumb." The louder piece of my mind? Says this.

Final interview. Firstly, Kenny makes sure to get a dig in at Alex, because rules be damned, Kenny should be on top. Aren't you gone yet? No? Okay, I'll let you finish. After warbling something about how "the beast is gone," he wraps up by saying that it's anybody's game now. Even in defeat, his ego demands a healthy meal. You know, one of the things that sets Top Chef apart from other reality shows is that I always feel like they crown a winner that they truly believe cooks good food. I may not always be happy with the personality of the victor, but that's the whole point... A sunny disposition doesn't mean someone can cook better than an ass, and I'm happy that the show awards the win based on merit. I really thought they were dancing dangerously close to the line this season. I was convinced that Kenny, despite clear misses in the kitchen, would sail to an undeserved victory based on nothing more than his bluster and background. With him gone, this season has suddenly attained an air of suspense it was sorely lacking. I could not have been more wrong in my previous recaps. I was wrong, wrong, wrong. And I've never been happier to say so. Now, I'm off to the store. A bet's a bet.

Overall Grade: B-