Restaurant Wars

Top Chef - Season 1, Episode 7

Previously on Top Chef: Ted Allen threw a "dinner party". One hopes the guests were informed in advance that they'd be taped. Doesn't that sound like a delightful and relaxing evening? Miguel screwed up royally. Tiffani told the judges that he should be eliminated, then sort of lied about it afterwards. Miguel didn't buy it, and declared war on her. Dave's a big ball of emotions, and was told he needed to keep his crazy jags under control. Andrea was eliminated. No, for real this time. Six chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

San Francisco. At the IHOF, Tiffani rehashes the acrimony at the end of the last challenge, saying that Miguel attacked her for his own professional failures and that he can't handle the truth, even though he asked for it. Smug as she sounds right now, I can't find anything to argue with in that statement. Miguel's ready to play even harder, and blahs about the people who want him gone. He likes to talk about the Ethics of Competition a lot, but I note he tends to forget the little things, like, say...not pouring a bunch of salt into a recipe that calls for sugar. That may fall under that whole competitive vibe he's trying to nurture. Dave wants to earn some confidence by winning a challenge. I'm all for it if it'll mean he'll stop crying and whining all the time. Everyone heads out.

Quickfire. The chefs come into the Kitchen, and I'm displeased to note that instead of a guest judge, Tom is the one standing next to KatieBot. Bleh. Harold describes the incredible spread of ingredients laid out, from condiments to meats to breads. KatieBot tells them that the theme for the week is "business". Tom brags about his culinary accomplishments and blinks a lot. I realize with a small amount of satisfaction that my transition into full-on hating him is now complete. One of Tom's businesses is a sandwich-type place, a branch of which will be opening in San Francisco soon. The Quickfire Challenge will be to create a sandwich. It can be whatever kind of sandwich the chef chooses. KatieBot tells them that the winner of the challenge will not receive immunity. Everyone looks appropriately nonplussed. However, the winner will have their sandwich featured on the menu when the new restaurant opens. Tiffani's jazzed about that. They have thirty minutes to throw the sandwich together, and they're off.

Lee Anne's nervous. Miguel's nervous. Harold wisely interviews that since he's familiar with the menu at this restaurant, he's going to try and create something that will complement it well. Stephen wants to do something brunch-like. Dave disdains the brunch idea. Tiffani tells Dave to watch his bacon, and I catch a glimpse of a tattoo under her sleeve. I wonder what it is. I mean, what the tattoo is of. I do know what a tattoo is. As time winds down, everyone goes into that hysterical preparation mode that happens every week. I always think of sandwiches as such a laid-back kind of food that it's weird to see people in such a tizzy over them. Miguel interviews that he knew the most creative sandwich would win, so he's got the challenge in the bag. Well, let's see about that. Time's up.

Tom starts with Stephen, who calls his creation a "breakfast and lunch sandwich". Huh. If only there were a way to combine the ideas of breakfast and lunch into one short word. He even says he "rises pretty late". God, he's such a pretentious twit. His sandwich is a sunny-side up egg on brioche with ham and cheese. Yawn. Substitute an English muffin for the brioche, and you could get it at McDonald's. Oops, he's not done talking. He's also put on plantains, mango, fennel, lime, olive oil, chili peppers, and good GOD. It's gone from an overly simplistic sandwich to an overly complicated one. By this point, Carmen Miranda could wear this thing on her head. Tom says it's good, and moves on to Dave. He's called his sandwich Grape Ape. Heh. It's grilled sourdough with arugula, mushrooms, bacon, ham and peppers. It's finished off with grape jelly. Huh. I wonder how that would taste on things like ham. Tom likes it, and tells Dave it's nice to see him "going back to his flavors". You can pretty much assume I'm rolling my eyes every time Tom gives "feedback" like that. Tiffani's sandwich is enormous, and is called French toast Toad-in-the-Hole. It's roast beef, cheese, rosemary, and fennel seed. Tom can't get his mouth around it, and Tiffani says she was "literally embarrassed". If I'm ever in charge of the world, nobody will be accepted into a job, a college, or be allowed on television until they can use the word "literally" correctly.

Lee Anne's sandwich is salami and fried egg on foccacia. She's also incorporated sunchokes, which I've never had. They sound good. Tom takes a few bites, and it becomes apparent that she needed to chop the greens, because there's all sorts of stray food clinging to the bread and hanging out of Tom's mouth. Gross. Harold tells Tom about his plan to go for something that's vacant on the menu, but in the same style. It's a grilled sourdough with mortadella, black olive aioli, and dandelion. People cook with dandelions? I learn all sorts of things from this show. Harold interviews that Tom's a pioneer, and that they share a lot of the same philosophies. Ew, I hope that's not true. Miguel has made a vegetarian deconstructed falafel. And by "deconstructed", he means it doesn't resemble a sandwich at all. The falafel is now on the outside instead of the inside, but only on the bottom. It'd be a stretch to even call this an open-faced sandwich. Miguel's supplied a fork and knife, but Tom says he's going to eat it with his hands in fairness to everyone else. Stephen interviews that he has no idea what Miguel was thinking, and that he really needs to think about the challenge's parameters more. That's true, which is really scary coming from Stephen, given what went down in the monkfish challenge. Tom likes the flavors, but Miguel just nods sadly, knowing that he's blown it.

Judging. Tom again tells Dave that he's back on his game, flavor-wise, which really doesn't make any sense, since he was working off of Andrea's recipe last week. Stephen had an ambitious idea, but the flavors were all over the place. Not surprising. Harold's was good, although the grapes on the side would have been better served in the sandwich itself. Miguel would have won, were he to have MADE A SANDWICH. Lee Anne and Tiffani don't get any feedback. Tom has decided on the winner, and it is Harold. He's pleased, but says in an interview that he'd really rather have immunity. Hahahahaha!!!! Take that, Tom! Miguel is delusional about why he lost.

Elimination Challenge. KatieBot tells the chefs that they'll be taken to a raw restaurant space with two separate dining rooms. They'll be split into two teams, and will need to design what their space will look like, in addition to the menus. They'll have $1000 for all of their supplies. Lee Anne is worried about who will wind up on her team - for good reason, as it turns out. Dave pulls red. Tiffani pulls red. Stephen pulls blue. Harold pulls red. That's all we need. Tiffani interviews that the perfect team would have been her, Harold, and Lee Anne, since Dave takes everything way too personally. Lee Anne is in agreement with her, saying that her initial thoughts on her teammates were "Oh God. I'm fucked." Hehehe. Poor Lee Anne. A member of the winning team will win the challenge. A member of the losing team will be sent home. Gee, ya think? Tom tells them to brainstorm on the way to the restaurant.

Commercials. I think one ego-fueled chef show is enough. Get lost, Celebrity Cooking Showdown.

Evening. Wow, I didn't realize it took the chefs seven hours to walk out of the Kitchen and onto the street. In the red team's car, Tiffani tries to head off any potential Dave problems at the pass by saying that all three of them need to recognize that none of the decisions they make are personal. A valiant effort, Tiffani, but I think it's a losing battle. Dave says that Tiffani's headstrong, and needs to listen more. Also probably true. This is just an example of two people who are destined to not get along. It makes me wonder how they worked so well together before. In the blue team's car, Lee Anne asks for ideas about the overall restaurant concept. She and Stephen are both thinking Spain is very cutting-edge as far as what people like these days. Hey, sounds good to me. I love Spanish food. Miguel tries to throw in a bunch of menu ideas, not really getting that Latin America and Spain are not the same thing. He says in an interview that the other two really took charge of ideas, and that he's more at home in the kitchen. Everyone arrives at the restaurant space. Tom tells them that thirty guests will be coming, and they will choose which of the two dining rooms to patronize. They'll be judged on ambiance, teamwork, and of course, food. They look out at their dining areas. It's just two fairly blank rooms at this point.

Tiffani has given their restaurant its name, "American Workshop". Boring. Dave will be in charge of the dining room aspect, while Harold and Tiffani will take care of things in the kitchen. They decide that setting up the room as a family-style communal table will make serving easier. Good idea. Tiffani and Dave complain about each other some more, though Tiffani does laughingly admit that it'd be far worse to have Stephen on her team. Hehehe. The blue team has named their restaurant "Sabor", which is "taste" in Spanish. Lee Anne explains that Stephen will be on dining room duty, while she and Miguel will be in the kitchen. Stephen says that he'll be yapping about wines and such. Oh, will he ever. He also smarmerviews about how Dave's style of cooking is common, while his own is much more refined. He does not deign to explain why that's necessarily to his advantage in this challenge.

Morning. The teams are shopping for food supplies. The blue team will be making a tapas trio, red snapper on paella cake, and olive oil ice cream. Olive oil ice cream? OK. It looks like half of their overall budget can be spent on food. Miguel interviews that the budget is really tight. Lee Anne tries to reign in Stephen's habit of buying a bunch of expensive crap they don't need. The red team shops as well. They're making tuna tartare, roast chicken, fall vegetables, and fruit crisp. Tiffani wants to be methodical in her shopping. I guess that's another pointed dig at Dave. Miguel reports back that the snapper is $7.99 per pound. Lee Anne tells him to pick up seven pounds. He buys it and brings it back to Lee Anne and Stephen. Lee Anne notes that something's wrong, and looks at the receipt. Turns out the fish is not so much $7.99 per pound. More like $17.99 per pound. Miguel does that thing where he apologizes, but not really. Much as Barry did when he drove his car into a tree, his tone implies that this is something that just kind of happened to him, rather than something he did wrong. Lee Anne is furious, and tells him that she wouldn't have ordered that much fish had she known the actual price. She asks him to try and return some of the fish if he can. She interviews that she got put on a team with "the big thinker and the no-thinker". Harsh, but true.

Five hours until opening. Stephen interviews that their menu is fairly intricate. Lee Anne takes charge in the kitchen. Dave starts to cut onions, and Tiffani tells him not to, suggesting a whole onion instead. This is of course another opportunity for Dave to interview that Tiffani's a hardass, and doesn't allow input from others. Gee, I'm starting to get the feeling that Dave and Tiffani have wildly varying styles which interferes with their ability to work together. I know, it's probably nothing. He also says that she's the one who's going to have to take responsibility if they lose. Huh. By that reasoning, she's also the one who should get all the credit if they win, right? More on that later. Lee Anne interviews that while Dave shuttled back and forth from the dining room to the kitchen, Stephen just kind of did his thing in the dining room without really consulting her or Miguel. She should be grateful to be rid of him for a little while. There are a series of shots showing Lee Anne finding fault with a lot of whatever Miguel's doing. He doesn't appreciate the micromanaging. Well, sure. It's not like the second she takes her eye off of him, he'll do something stupid like misinterpret the price of fish by 10 dollars. Oh, wait. Tom checks in, and is typically unhelpful and a waste of both the chefs' and the audience's time.

Dave and Stephen go shopping for dining room supplies, where the other half of the budget will be spent. These are things like flatware, glassware, decorations, etc. Dave has a detailed list of what he needs. Stephen browses the crystal. Lee Anne interviews that Stephen has "champagne tastes on a beer budget". Both teams say that they're putting a lot of faith into the guys doing the shopping, and that there's a lot of pressure on them. Harold is relieved that Dave took it on, recognizing that he would not be good at this aspect of the challenge. Dave whines some more to the camera about Tiffani's bossiness, which doesn't really have anything to do with what he's doing, so I guess he's just venting about things in general. He checks out at just under his $500 limit. Stephen is still shopping. He tells the clerk he'd like to keep the total under $400, and the clerk tells him that the stuff he's already asked for puts him well over $1000. Hehehe. Miguel scores his first point of the episode by interviewing that he and Lee Anne knew that Stephen was going to go "waaaaaaaaaaaay [complete with crazy eyes -- Limecrete] over budget". I never get tired of other chefs making fun of Stephen. Dave returns with two hours until opening and gets to work in the dining room. Lee Anne is worried that Stephen's not back yet, and interviews about how doing an ultra-refined dinner service with a time and money limit is sometimes just not possible. Stephen tries to cut his costs at the store by canceling several of his requests. He's burning a lot of time. Miguel and Lee Anne are frustrated.

Commercials. Use Glad trashbags or you're going to be killed by falling debris.

If the subtitles are to be believed, Stephen returns an hour later than Dave. Yipes. He begins putting the dining room together. Miguel interviews that Stephen pays too much attention to the little details, whereas Miguel doesn't pay enough attention to them. I may have added on that last part. KatieBot comes in and introduces tonight's guest judge. His name is Jeffrey Chodorow, and apparently, he's a genius restauranteur and businessman. Several of the chefs recognize him. I've never heard of him, so you'll forgive me if I'm not as impressed as I should be. KatieBot rehashes the entire challenge. Jeffrey tells them that there's actually a prize for winning tonight. The winning chef will accompany him and some other people to the Cannes Film Festival. I have no idea what that has to do with food, but it sounds like a nifty prize nonetheless. Everyone's excited. Dave's doing that shoulder roll thing again. KatieBot makes a bad pun in a failed effort to demonstrate the new sense of humor software she's had installed. The chefs head back to the kitchen.

45 minutes until opening. Lee Anne starts preparing the fish, and finds that it hasn't been scaled. She's mad, and asks Miguel (whom she refers to as "Chunk" - hehehe) if he didn't ask the grocer to scale them. He instantly tries to disavow responsibility for it. I'm sort of with him - maybe it's not odd to assume that the fish would be skinned. Still, if someone has to take the blame for buying unscaled fish, it's going to be the person who, you know, bought it. Lee Anne starts trying to cut the skin off, but time's against her. Stephen interviews that he's moving at a pace beyond 100 miles per hour because he's so short on time. To be fair, he is moving quite quickly...for him. Tom needles him. Shut up, Tom. Dave is in better shape, although he's running around nervously, as always. The people in the kitchen do wrap-up work. Dave and Stephen tack up their ugly, eighth-grade art project menus.

Diners come in. I wonder how these people were chosen. "Hey, you! Want to come in and eat free food? You'll be on TV and everything!" People choose one dining room or the other. Dave explains to some diners that he's seating strangers together so they can get the whole social experience. That alone would probably drive me to the other dining room, but I appreciate that some people don't mind this sort of situation. Stephen begins babbling about wine to two women seated at a table. Normally, that'd be fine (well, kind of), but there's a line of people waiting to be seated that he's ignoring to give his lecture. Unacceptable. Not only that, but he's also ignoring the food that's sitting in the kitchen, waiting to be served. Severely unacceptable. Dave's a lot smoother with his transitions between host duty and serving duty. Stephen just keeps on talking. The diner he's talking to looks like he'd like to stab himself in the eye with a fork, just so he'd have an excuse to leave. Lee Anne threatens to start serving the food herself if Stephen doesn't shake a leg. He's predictably pissed, apparently believing that a helpful poltergeist will serve the food for him.

Dave explains the menu to some diners. A random woman really likes the chicken. Stephen talks about the differences between the two menus again. We really get it now. A random man likes the Spanish food. Another woman is one of those people. Let's see if I can explain this. You know how when you ask a layperson's opinion about a topic that you're an expert on, you're just kind of fishing for their general impressions? Say you were administering a peanut butter taste test. You'd want to hear things like "I like this one better because it's sweeter." "I don't like this one as much, because it's too thick." But if you get one of those people, they'll pretend they have much more specialized knowledge than they really do, and you'll be treated to a thesis on how they can tell this one's not as good because the nuts weren't shelled at the proper temperature, and it's obvious that the salt you used came from the entirely wrong region of Argentina or whatever. So this lady is talking about if the components of the dinner really fit the theme, and blah blah blah. It's roast chicken, lady. Just tell him if you like the seasonings. I salute Dave for not cracking her over the head with a wine bottle. Stephen continues being useless.

The judges seat themselves in the blue team's dining room. Stephen goes into his wine blather. The food sits in the kitchen getting cold. After he finally serves the judges, Tom finds some fish scales in his plate. Rut roh. Stephen reports this back in the kitchen, and Lee Anne is mortified. In the dining room, KatieBot scores her first point ever by saying that Stephen is always trying to educate people about food and wine, but really comes off as arrogant instead. Preach it, robot lady! Tom shrugs it off, because he's a douchebag. After they eat, they move to the red team's dining room. Dave serves them, and is happy about the way they seem to be responding to him and to the food. Jeffrey tells Gail that the blue team took more risks, but the red team served comfort food really well. Dave shoulder rolls. Dude, go to a chiropractor. Surveys are passed out. That lady gabs some more about consistency and gives her friend a hard time about her rating. Shut up, lady. Go be pedantic somewhere else. A nice, normal woman and jolly man in the red team's dining room liked the social interaction aspect of their meal. Stephen lets us know that the blue team served 17 people, while the red team got 13, which will be a factor in the final score. A drag queen liked the blue team's food. Another man didn't like the blue team's service. The chefs freak out in the kitchen.

Commercials. If the people on Celebrity Cruises are as obnoxious as they seem on the commercials, I'll pass.

Judges' table. I don't know if I've ever mentioned that I appreciate the apostrophe placement there. Every little bit helps. There are several posters hung up at work right now advertising an upcoming blood drive that read "Walk In's Welcome". Am I supposed to believe that these people are capable of sticking a needle into my vein, when they can't even stick an apostrophe into a sentence? We're told for the seventeen thousandth time about the two separate concepts the teams had. The red team's theme didn't hold up throughout the whole meal. The blue team's patrons had to wait too long between courses. KatieBot goes to call in the teams. She summons the red team first. Stephen pretends he's not nervous. He tells Miguel that their food was "fly". He is not even close to cool enough to be able to pull that off, even ironically. The red team members seat themselves at the table. They are told that they're the winning team. Dave and Tiffani are jubilant. Harold just has a wry smile. Their customer satisfaction rating was a 26/30. I'm guessing the missing four is because of that lady. They high-five each other. KatieBot tells them the food went over well, Dave was an excellent server, and the concept was well-received. That being said, they now have to figure out who gets the prize. Jeffrey asks each of them to explain why they should be the one to win.

Tiffani says that she contributed the name. I realize that you have to toss in everything you think is going to bolster your case, but big fucking deal. She also takes credit for the vegetables, and says that while Harold and Dave both did excellent jobs, she would have done just as well in their positions. Dave shakes his head and does that goddamn shoulder roll some more. KatieBot notes it, and asks for his opinion. He says that his running the front of the house was a big reason why they won, which is true. He adds that Tiffani had the overall vision, but that she can't really expect to be given credit for what all of them achieved. Again true, but this is the time to remember back when Dave said that if the red team lost, it would clearly be Tiffani's fault since she incorporated so many of her ideas into the concept. Now they won, and Tiffani's influence is suddenly no longer valid? Tiffani tries to explain herself, and Dave loses it, yelling at her for interrupting. One could assert that Dave shaking his head during Tiffani's explanation could be construed as an interruption as well, but one won't. And Dave's off. Here he sits at the winner's table a mere one week after the judges told him to keep his emotions in check, and he begins ranting at Tiffani for all the shit she's thrown him over the past 24 hours. Harold's just sitting back and soaking it all in. Heh. Dave continues his tantrum about Tiffani's bossy attitude, and tosses out the "I'm not your bitch, bitch" line that the show's been gleefully pimping since before the season even started. Sorry, but I'm not charmed. Also, he's making out that Tiffani was this enormous tyrant that he was forced to struggle under, but he was completely in charge of the dining room. The decoration, the service, everything. He's got one hell of a nerve acting as if his opinions didn't count for anything. Plus, YOUR TEAM WON. CALM DOWN.

The judges are through listening to him, and ask Harold for his opinion. Harold says that he himself shouldn't be the winner, because all he did was cook. He was competent, but not extraordinary. The judges ask who he would choose to send to Cannes. He gives a very nice little speech about how great it was to work next to Tiffani, and how comfortable he is with her. Then he pulls the rug out from under her (and me, frankly) by choosing Dave, due to the pressure of his dining room duties. Jeffrey agrees, citing service as the number one asset, which means Dave is the winner. It's a fair decision, but I don't think Jeffrey has really paused to consider that he'll be trapped on an airplane with Dave for several hours. I hope he brings headphones along. He's pleased. I roll my eyes, because Dave's such a simp. The red team is dismissed, and asked to send the blue team in. They tell the blue team about Dave's win, and he hugs Lee Anne. Tiffani starts singing "Dave's goin' to Fraaaance!" as if he didn't just call her a bitch forty seconds ago. Weird.

The blue team members seat themselves. I'm nervous because Lee Anne's on the line. Please don't axe my favorite! They're told that the biggest complaint was that the service was too spread out. Stephen actually has the nerve to argue that the customers were satisfied, because they told him so. So I guess KatieBot doctored the surveys just to try to trick him? Twit. She tells him as much, basically saying that just because he believes the customers were satisfied, it doesn't mean they were. Their customer satisfaction rating was 22/30. Stephen continues to knot his own noose by saying that he could have had the food out on time if he weren't so busy giving his educational lectures. Well, EXACTLY. How is that a selling point? Lee Anne is asked what went wrong. She says that she wasn't comfortable with the team she had, which is about the closest Lee Anne's ever come to directly insulting someone. She adds that Miguel didn't know a lot about Spanish cuisine, but was content to sit back and be the sous chef, which is true, according to his earlier interviews. Tom tells him he should have fought for a theme he was more familiar with, and Miguel says he was outvoted. Tom gives him a bunch of crap for taking a secondary role.

But. But. I mean, they're all trying to be top chefs. You can't have three leaders. If all of them approached the task thinking they'd better not back down until their ideas are incorporated, nothing would ever be agreed upon, and nothing would ever get done. If everyone's the boss, then nobody's doing the work. In effect, Miguel's role in this team is the same as Harold's on the other team, and you'll note that Harold wasn't taken to task for it. Tom goes onto say that Lee Anne was in charge of the kitchen, and Stephen was in charge of the house, so Miguel doesn't seem to fit in anywhere. I just don't get this line of reasoning. What was he supposed to be in charge of? And if he really wasn't in charge of something, shouldn't the fact that the blue team lost be an indication that someone who was in charge should be eliminated? Eliminate Miguel because he screwed up the fish purchase. Eliminate Miguel because he's been weak in all challenges for the past two weeks. Eliminate Miguel because he didn't contribute enough work. But this whole routine of criticizing Miguel because he failed to demand authority is dumb. In short, Tom's full of shit as always.

Of course, Miguel then manages to piss away any defensive feelings I may have had for him. Tom brings up the whole fish-scale thing, and Miguel doesn't even attempt to explain it. He just says that he worked hard to create a nice meal, and whatever the judges decide is what they're going to decide. So much for "playing hard", I guess. Tom asks Lee Anne if they should get rid of Miguel. She says that she honestly has yet to be "wowed" by one of Miguel's dishes. Yeeps. Remember back when Miguel looked like such a strong competitor? We're a long way from there. She tries to cushion the blow by offering to buy Miguel a beer once the show is over, and apologizing to him. Aw. Stephen also picks Miguel out as the weak link tonight. I'd actually say that Stephen is the weakest, but the producers probably don't want to eliminate him, because everyone's having too much fun hating him. The blue team is dismissed. Deliberations. Lee Anne is responsible for the overly ambitious concept and poor planning. I realize they have to pin something on Lee Anne, but it's fairly obvious she did the best she could while stuck with teammates who did nothing but drag her down. Can't really criticize her swimming when she's got an anchor tied to each leg. Miguel has settled into a pattern of taking a backseat. Tom says that he even "took a backseat to Andrea, of all people". Yes, because Andrea's so, so horrible. I HATE YOU. I realize that if Top Chef continues into another season, I have no reasonable hope of Tom being replaced, but I could not be more sick of this self-satisfied asshole. Stephen's too wrapped up in his own persona. Funny how the judges don't recognize the same is true of Tom, but whatever.

Commercials. I can't even watch the 30-second spots for Blow Out, so I can't even imagine the seizures that the actual show would induce.

The blue team is called back in. The same criticisms are rehashed. I'm fairly sick of the judges saying "This isn't called Top Sous Chef" or "This isn't called Top Somellier". It's not clever. Stop. The judges have made their final decision. MIGUEL. PLEASE. PACK. YOUR. KNIVES. AND. GO. Well, I won't lose any sleep over this one. He attempts to be classy on his way out, which would be nice if I hadn't seen any of the other crap he's been pulling for two weeks. He does call himself "Chunk LeFunk", though, which was pretty funny. Lee Anne is typically complimentary in her sorry-to-see-you-go interview. Miguel hugs everyone, even his sworn enemy Tiffani. Blah blah blah opening doors. Blah blah blah passion for cooking. Peace out, Chunk. You'll always have your Fatass Snackmaster Challenge win to look back on with pride.

Overall Grade: C+