Ham-Fisted

Top Chef - Season 6, Episode 8

Previously on Top Chef: Mike had no faith in Robin's cooking ability. The fact that everything turned out just fine isn't mentioned, because that doesn't fit into the neat picture of Robin-as-useless-old-woman that we're supposed to be sold on by now. Jenc won the challenge with an assist from Kevin, while Bryan's calm facade began to show some cracks. Ashley got sent on her less-than-merry way, but probably regrets it less now that she's seen she left at just about the time everyone gets sick of being stuck with the same group of people for twenty-four hours a day, and they all begin to plot each other's demises. Nine chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening credits. I wasn't able to write this long version of the episode's events back when it aired, because I was busy ruining our trip to New York by falling ill a day before we left. I'm filling in the blanks months later, so think of me as a psychic Limecrete who magically knows not only how the episode turns out, but the entire season. Also, Sarah Palin will continue to make an idiot of herself, but you probably didn't need time-traveling me to tell you that.

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Michael rues being in the bottom two for the first time, and vows never to suffer through it again. He compares himself to Babe Ruth. Honey, please. I'm sure your food is delicious, but your name will not be entered into the history books. Unless you accidentally trip over a cat and drown in the toilet or something. Eli calls home to vent about his emotional stress. We finally learn why he acts like a dumb kid who lives with his parents. It turns out that he's a dumb kid who lives with his parents. Mystery solved! He tells us that Top Chef can change your "entire culinary career". So don't come on this show hoping to change your secretarial career, because it ain't happening. Robin does pilates out on the lawn to help herself find balance. I've never indulged in the practice, but if it involves imitating Robin's technique of thrashing around in a swimming motion like Michael Phelps on speed, I'll pass. She tells us that surviving cancer has made her a stronger person. I'll bet. The chefs head out for the day.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs enter the Kitchen, where they are met by Padma and this week's guest judge. For those who are sticklers for facts, his name is Charlie Palmer. For the rest of us, he looks so much like Cliff Clavin that I'm just going to call him that for the rest of the episode. Cliff discloses that he's worked with Bryan and Michael in the past, but promises not to show them any favoritism. Padma announces that this week's challenges are all about pairing. As you know, caring about how food is paired is a relatively recent development in our culture, and is still thought of as very sophisticated, so what better way to completely piss all over this idea than by asking the chefs to make a dish to pair with an overpriced potato chip? Welcome to tonight's Quickfire! There are six flavors of overpriced potato chip to choose from, and the chefs will have forty-five minutes to throw something together. Ready? Go!

The chefs scatter. Michael and Bryan spend some time talking about their prior relationships with Cliff. I don't care enough to transcribe any of it. Jenc is nervous. She describes herself as a perfectionist who wants everything to be perfect. Oh, is that what a perfectionist is? I was under the impression it was someone who punches a series of little holes in paper so that it can be torn easily. Eli's feeling confident about his pairing skills. Ash feels he's been held back by being too influenced by other people's strategies, and says he's going to focus on his own ideas from now on. Let's see how that works out for him. Time runs down. Everyone plates their food.

Padma and Cliff go down the line. The flavor of overpriced potato chip each chef has chosen doesn't really matter very much, so let's just focus on what they've made. Eli has prepared a potato clam salad with cold fennel and celery, with a white truffle sauce. Sounds good. Kevin's got a warm bean confit and tomato salad with herbs and creamed corn. Bryan has made seared rib-eye with pickled onion, sauteed mushrooms, and a chive puree. As is often the case on this show, the meat looks way too rare for even a blood-lover such as myself. Robin's got a sweet corn panna cotta with an avocado mousseline in the style of a parfait. Mike has done a spinoff of chilaquiles. Michael's made tuna tartare with avocado, pickled onions, and jalapenos. That's a lot of strong flavors. Ash has put together a chilled soup of cucumber and avocado with creme fraiche, crab, and roasted red pepper. Sounds tasty, but for the pairing with the barbecue-flavored overpriced potato chip. Laurine has swordfish with spinach, asparagus, and a fava bean puree. OK, the flavors sound good, but that combination would send you sprinting for the bathroom faster than an Ex-Lax smoothie. Jenc has a sauteed pork chop with tomato sauce, scallions, and some feta. She embarrassed, because it's way overdone. Who knows, maybe Cliff will be one of those people that likes their meat charred. I'm dating one of those philistines, myself. No such luck for Jenc, and her food brings on looks of consternation.

Results. The bottom three starts off with Robin, who had weird textures and a bad pairing. Ash's combination of ingredients didn't work well together. Jenc's pork chop was way too overdone. The top three kicks off with Eli, who did a good job with his execution and flavor concept. Bryan's execution was spot-on, though his idea was a bit unoriginal. Kevin made a good pairing and good food. The winner turns out to be... Eli, who takes his first challenge win. He's happy. Less happy is Ash, who somehow manages to shift through surprise, warmth, envy, and bitterness in one five-second sentence.

Elimination Challenge. The chefs are asked to draw knives. Michael describes more of his past experiences with Cliff. I still don't care. If he or Bryan do it again, I still won't care. Save the rest of the tales for the grandkids, please. The knives turn out to have different sections of pig written on them. Kevin is thrilled to have a pork challenge, telling us that he works with it so much, he's got a pig tattoo on his body. Everyone gets a part assigned to them, save Jenc, who pulls the "WILD" knife, and gets to cook with any pig section she wants. She picks pork belly without hesitation. The second half of the challenge is that the dish will be served as 150 tasting portions, and must be successfully paired with a Pinot noir.

Later, the chefs are taken to taste various Pinots. As with all wine tastings, it doesn't interest anyone who isn't physically putting the wine on his or her tongue. Each chef selects an individual wine to work with. Eli ridicules other chefs' wine palates. It sucks that we all can't be as sophisticated as he is. Perhaps we can join him in the cultural elite if all of our mommies do our laundry for us. After wine selection, the chefs head to the store with a $300 food budget. Kevin buys up as much bacon and other pork fat as he can. Laurine opts for duck fat, and talks about her intention to make a rillette. She hasn't made one with pork before, but assumes her experience in rabbit will carry her through. Ash is going to top his pork with polenta and a cherry demi-glace.

But enough of all this talk of stupid things like food and cooking. Let's head back to the house so we can watch these people act like fourth-grade girls. Robin is indulging in her usual logorrhea, and is driving everyone else up the wall. She correctly pegs the tension in the house as her losing a popularity contest, though she seems to stop short of wondering why that is. Sure, you can't please everyone, but when eight disparate personalities all flee from you, the common denominator is you. Now, I'm about to be very hard on the people who dislike Robin, but let it be known that I'm not wild about her, either. She's annoying the piss out of me right now, and I just spent ten seconds with her. I can't even imagine having to live with the woman. It's just that there are valid ways to argue with and distance yourself from people you don't like, and then there's these jerkoffs.

She drops some passive-aggressive crap about cleaning some part of the kitchen, and Eli, that grand sophisticate, snipes at her to stop copping such an attitude, and -- I swear I'm not making this up -- tells her she's not his mother. No, really. I suppose the editors left "Why can't I go to Tommy's birthday party?!? I hate you! I wish I'd never been born!" on the cutting room floor. Robin carps that she wouldn't want to be Eli's mother, because she would have raised him better. Really? I wouldn't want to be Eli's parent, because I'd want my adult child to get his own damn place and pay his own damn rent. Eli jogs downstairs so he can badmouth Robin with the rest of the Heathers, notably Mike. That's the thing. Not liking Robin is perfectly valid, but you can't really take the moral high ground if your counter-strategy is to whine, gossip, and make fun of her straight to her face, like you're Gretchen Weiners all of a sudden.

With that obnoxious tangent behind us, we can get back to the challenge at hand. The next day, the chefs get started on their four hours of prep time. Ash's vow to showcase his own ideas and strengths has lasted about twenty-six minutes, and he's once again turned to his competitors for ideas. After talking to Mike, Ash kills the polenta idea, and decides on a different preparation. Kevin works on a dish that he knows has great flavor, but worries that it's overly simple. Bryan frets that he doesn't have enough time to braise his ribs. Michael tells us he's always been more of a culinary risk-taker than his brother. Robin, you'll be shocked to hear, isn't here to make friends. I'm honestly confused. Reality show competitors must realize how dumb and hackneyed they sound when they use such a beaten-to-death phrase. They must. How could they not? It's been uttered and whined and spat and hissed more times than I can count. It's been said for years now. It's been said so often, it's gotten to the point where it's lost of all its original meaning and become a giant joke. It's become nearly impossible to use without irony, and yet every season of every show features someone saying it like they just coined the phrase. IT'S OLD. CATCH THE SNAP.

Jenc wants to redeem herself after her poor Quickfire performance, and works on a light, summer version of pork and beans. Eli is also working with pork belly, but doesn't worry about competition from Jenc, because his dish is heartier and "more exciting", while hers is "basic". Looks like someone's a bit too proud of his Quickfire win. Tell you what, Eli. You can be disdainful of Jenc when you can manage your own electric bill. Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste. Ash lies, and tells Ptom that he's finally cooking his own style of food. Mike is working on Lebanese meatballs, and brags that he's offered a wider range of world cuisine than any other contestant. He says it in that naturally douchey way he has, so I want to ridicule him, but you know what? He's right. He's shown good range by incorporating a healthy mix of different cultures' foods, and still manages to integrate them into weird challege parameters, which is pretty impressive. We see that people are still on edge, as Michael and Bryan snap nastily at each other over the plastic wrap. I hear that's how the Boer War started.

Time runs out. The chefs and their food are driven over to the party venue where they'll be serving. Everyone gets another hour to get their food ready. It flies by, and soon the guests are streaming in. Once the first wave of diners decimates the food tables, the judges deem it safe to show up. And do they ever show up. Padma is trying to get away with an actual sun hat, and looks patently ridiculous, like she's auditioning for the role of Daisy in a summer stock production of The Great Gatsby. Tony is wearing his Bono sunglasses again. Guest judge Dana Cowin has a blouse with white pinwheels that opens to below her boobs. Maybe that's why all these people cultivated an interest in food; they can hide their tragic fashion choices under a chef's coat or apron.

All the dishes are paired with the Pinot noir the chef chose earlier. That's the extent of the detail I'm going to go into about that. Michael has braised pork cheeks in root beer, and serves it with some truffle, a steamed bun, and cherry sauce with the Pinot and some vanilla bean. All of the judges enjoy it, as do the diners we're shown. Ash puts forth some chilled pork tenderloin on top of a cherry/corn salad. That's it. I often say that making your food complex doesn't automatically qualify it as better than simple food done well, but this is just sad. On top of that, this overly simple dish isn't even good. The judges find the meat clammy, overcooked, and oversalted. Of course, Toby is the one who calls it oversalted, so I'm tossing that criticism out on principle. I'm not sure if it's his nationality or his lack of culinary credentials that renders him totally useless on judging the level of seasoning, but if he calls something salty, it means it's perfectly fine. If he calls something perfectly fine, it means it's bland.

Eli has braised pork belly on a roasted carrot puree, with celery and fennel. The judges like the dish, though Cliff doesn't think it pairs well with the wine Eli's selected. Kevin has made pork leg pate, with mushroom salad and pickled cherries. It's dressed with a mayonnaise dressing made from rendered pork fat. He spins a nice tale about knowing that the winery his Pinot comes from also has hazelnut trees, so he incorporated that flavor into the mushroom. The judges not only gobble up his pate, but his story as well. Mike presents his pork shoulder Lebanese meatballs on a bed of orange blossom yogurt. Dana feels the orange flavor is overpowering, but Ptom doesn't mind it. Bryan has made braised pork spare rib on parsnip puree. It gets fairly good reviews from the judges, though they aren't doing somersaults over it.

Jenc has braised pork belly in soy sauce, and serves it on a salad of tomato, olive, celery, truffle, and apple. How this is a play on pork and beans is beyond me. The judges all heartily enjoy it. Cliff, as with all the dishes, ignores everything but the wine pairing. Laurine has pork butt rillettes topped with golden raisin/pearl onion chutney, which is all resting on arugula salad. It's not a hit. Dana compares it to cat food. Robin has brined pork loin, stuffed with sweet potato roulade and sour cherry/coffee sauce. Nobody likes it. Toby finds it slimy, and none of the judges can discern much flavor. The party wraps up.

Sweat 'n fret. Mike tells the other chefs that if the challenge were based on diner feedback, he'd be in the winners' circle. Robin says that a bunch of diners said that she was their favorite. Mike snorts in derision. Padma comes back, and summons Michael, Kevin, Jenc, and Bryan to the table. Eli rushes to the nearest phone to call his mom and complain that the mean judges don't appreciate his genius. OK, that didn't happen, but can't you picture it? The four Golden Children go out to Winners' Table, and are congratulated on having the best dishes (as well as the best wine pairings). Michael was successfully daring. Jenc's pork belly was light and tasty. Toby compares her Pinot to a hairy armpit. But as a compliment. Because it's European! Get it?!? I guess I should be glad Toby isn't likable, because if he were, I'd constantly be embarrassed for him. Kevin hit all the right flavors for his wine. Bryan had a strong pork flavor and a good pairing. Cliff gets to announce the winner, which turns out to be Kevin. He wins the opportunity to be a guest chef at the next Pinot pork party. It's not a wad of cash, but Kevin's elated, so I won't stand in the way of his happiness. Padma sends them back to the Kitchen.

Kevin gets the most tepid applause ever heard for his win. These aren't even golf claps; they're putt-putt claps. Michael tells the rest of the chefs that the judges want to see Ash, Laurine, and Robin. Once they leave, the Heathers waste no time in tearing into Robin once more. Michael at least pretends it's about her food, but Mike and Eli don't even bother doing that. Sending Robin home is the "right decision" because she's old and talks too much. Well, sure. How could a chatty person over forty know how to cook? See, this is why I can't get on the anti-Robin bandwagon, no matter how obnoxious she is. There's a difference between disliking her and trying to bully and belittle her out of the competition. I even kind of see parallels with the Marcel situation, though the Robin-bashing is infinitely less infuriating. Odd Asian Music and Gong agree with me, and have stormed off the episode in protest without even doing their jobs as the losing chefs come out to face the judges.

Robin stands by what she made, claiming she complemented the wine's flavors without dominating them. Toby's main complaint is that there wasn't enough meat on the plate, saying that if he had to pay twelve dollars for it, he'd have been very unhappy. Gee, you'd almost think the challenge called for the chefs to make TASTING PORTIONS. Ass. Ptom has a more legitimate complaint, saying that the texture of the sauce was a little gummy. Ash admits that upon hearing what everyone else was making, he began to worry that his was too simple. So again, he's basing the entire concept of his food on the work of others. Ptom says that simple food is fine, but the chef still has to develop flavor out of it, which Ash didn't. Ash unwisely describes his original idea, which Cliff says would have been a much better direction to go in. Laurine liked the idea she had, but says that she ran out of time before she could get the rillette done. Cliff asks her about her preparation methods, and when she talks about braising in chicken stock, he corrects her to say that rillettes are poached in fat, which is where all the flavor comes from. Laurine doesn't have much to say to that. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. Robin had no pork flavor in her dish, and missed the mark on her wine pairing. Toby hated her sauce. Ash's dish was totally amateur, and he didn't even make his overly-basic food correctly. Laurine's rillette wasn't a rillette, and what she did make was dry and off-putting. The judges make a decision.

Interstitial. Isn't Robin stupid and ugly and old and useless? Let's round up a group of villagers with torches and pitchforks to tell her so!

Elimination. Laurine goofed her food and her pairing. Ash has no confidence, and his dish fell completely flat. Robin was stingy with the meat. Ptom hands it over to Padma for the chop. Ash. Please pack your knives and go. Yeah, it's his time. I like him, but he's become way too focused on how out of his league he is, to the point that it became true. He's glad for the opportunity to have met such amazing chefs, and regrets not sticking with his original idea. He smilingly says that he'll feature the pork with polenta and cherry sauce on his menu when he gets back home, and will invite all of the judges except Padma over to taste it. Ouch! Kitty's got claws!

Overall Grade: C-