Sense and Sensuality

Top Chef - Season 2, Episode 11

Previously on Top Chef: People didn't like Marcel. Oh, great. Another episode centered around massive bullying. We've only had about seven of those. The challenge designers ran out of ideas and did an updated version of Restaurant Wars, which went about as well as doing an updated version of Star Wars. Michael needed excessive supervision. THE TELLTALE OLIVE PIT ruined Padma's evening. Nobody won, Michael lost, and good God, isn't this season over yet? Five gelatin genies remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Morning at the Cellblock. Chefs snooze. Sam looks like hell in the morning. Well, I'm sure everyone looks like hell in the morning, but Sam's the only one they show looking all scuzzy. He interviews that he's not looking to step on anyone else, but will "cook his way to the top", which is now stuck in my head to the tune of "Fake Your Way to the Top" from Dreamgirls. Damn. Elia also wants to make it to the finals. Hey, yeah. This is the last elimination round. Ilan interviews that he moved in with Elia last night, because she was lonely. Of course, he's contractually obliged to mention how much he dislikes Marcel in the same breath, because he's a psychotic douchebag. This season over yet? No? Crud. Marcel muses about knowing who his toughest competition was going to be from Day One.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs stream into the Kitchen. Padma meets them there, wearing a leather jacket that sticks out like a sore thumb, but she looks pretty, as usual. She introduces this round's guest judge, Eric Ripert, who looks like what would result if Val Kilmer and Jay Manuel had a baby. He's one of those chefs that is a big deal in the culinary world, but I've never heard of him, so I can't respond with an appropriate level of awe. Cliff is nervous to cook for him. Padma tells the chefs that eating is a sensual experience. I'm not sure anyone who saw me last night, as I was gnawing on a leg of fried chicken while trying to catch the bits of crumbling skin in my cupped hand, would agree. There's more talk about the Artistry of Cooking and such, but it's just a bunch of blah to lead us into the fact that for the Quickfire today, the chefs will be working with chocolate. Marcel interviews that working with chocolate is not his forte, so he's worried about what he's going to do. Padma tells the chefs that they have 90 minutes to throw together either a sweet or savory dish incorporating at least one of the two available flavors of chocolate. We see that one is bittersweet, so I guess the other one is just pure, milk chocolate.

The countdown starts. Marcel tells the camera that he'll be preparing potato "cannelloni", by which he may mean "cannoli". What the hell do I know? Wait. Potatoes and chocolate? Ew. Sounds like snacktime at Pee-wee's Playhouse. Sam tosses something in a pan. Ilan tastes something out of a bowl using a small utensil, so he successfully avoids pulling a Ken. Good for him. He pours melted chocolate into some molds as he explains that he's making chocolate truffles with sauteed chicken livers in the middle. Now, I happen to LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE sauteed chicken livers. And naturally, I enjoy chocolate as well. But that combination sounds totally disgusting. Marcel has problems with the fragility of his thin potato rolls. He trashes his first try, and immediately bounces back and make a much more successful batch. Sam dots some banana slices with green goo. Everyone plates their food. Time runs out.

The judges start with Elia. She says she was thinking along the lines of a mole, so she poached some chicken and topped it with a chili chocolate sauce, and added carmelized pecans. Eric finds the chocolate flavor very strong. Elia tries to play the "Mexican tradition" card, but Eric the Frenchman isn't having it. He says that even in Mexico, the chocolate flavor wouldn't be so overpowering. Zing! Elia has made a second dish as well, which is a ginger/chocolate mousse with strawberries and mint on a "crumble". Crumbled what, we're never told. Eric likes that one much better, and Padma says it's very creamy. Next is Sam, who reminds us all that he doesn't eat a lot of chocolate, being diabetic and all. He's avoided making a sweet dish, choosing instead to make shrimp and banana with chocolate chipotle, black bean, and cilantro pesto sauces. I just don't understand these combinations. Shrimp and banana? Note that Sam mispronounces "chipotle" in the exact same way Michael did, but since Sam is "The Hunk" and Michael was "The Goofy Screwup", nothing is ever said about it. Eric finds the banana flavor "surprising". It appears to be the good sort of surprise.

Cliff has made braised chicken with piquillo pepper, rosemary, and a chocolate sauce with potatoes. Eric calls it "tasty" and "well-balanced". Ilan says he has "attempted" to make a chocolate candy with encapsulated chicken livers. There's also some fried ginger and reduced sherry on the plate, but who cares? Chicken livers and chocolate! Marcel interviews that he couldn't believe Ilan would serve something like that, and says he feels a little bad for him. Hehe. When your mortal enemy pities you? Ouch. Eric says the chocolate is overpowering. So this is the third Quickfire in a row that Ilan has tanked. Perhaps he'd like to give that high horse a rest for a while. Marcel presents his potato cannellonis. Half are filled with chocolate mousse with vanilla powder, and half with coffee whipped cream. Unless "whip cream" is a real product, but I'm assuming that the morons in charge of titles on this show are just up to their usual standards of quality. Eric appears to be impressed, though not effusively so. Marcel is pleased.

Padma asks Eric how everyone did, and he says that cooking with chocolate is very difficult when you're not making a dessert. Seems to me like a couple of these plates were unabashedly dessert, but whatever. Anyway, Sam's was great, Marcel had an original idea, and Cliff's was tasty, but a bit unimaginative. Elia should have stuck to one dish. Eric didn't like her chicken, which she grouses about in an interview. Ilan's sucked horribly. I believe Eric's exact words are "shouldn't be served in a restaurant". Eric goes on to announce Sam as the winner with absolutely no hesitation. Marcel shakes Sam's hand. Cliff is still giddy over Eric's presence. We spring right into the Elimination Challenge with little fanfare. So little fanfare that they don't even show the usual Elimination Challenge graphic, accompanied by the usual "fwwwiiiiiiish!" knife sound. This challenge will determine which four chefs are going to the finals in Hawaii. The challenge? Sigh. Band together and create a five-course dinner. I swear there are three challenge types written on slips of paper, and they just pull one out each week. The only thing that makes this any different from the other "Band together and create an X-course dinner" challenges is that this one is going to be a romantic dinner for celebratory couples. Sam realizes how important doing well in this challenge will be.

Padma says that the challenge will take place in Santa Barbara, which she calls the most romantic destination in California. If you say so. There's a bad overdub of her adding that the city is also known for its culinary sophistication, which...not. No offense, Santa Barbara. Cliff's excited. Padma tells Sam that as the winner of the Quickfire, he gets to pick which course he'll prepare, and also which protein he'll use. None of the chefs can use the same proteins as each other. Shopping later today, then off to Santa Barbara tomorrow, where the chefs will pick out wines to pair with their courses. Padma wishes them luck, and she and Eric take their leave. Sam immediately chooses the first course. Ilan makes weird hand signals in the background. It appears like he's trying to get Sam to assign the other courses, which Sam doesn't get to do. Weird. Cliff interviews that the different-protein rule shouldn't cause any problems unless Sam decides to be mean and do a bouillabaisse. Heh. As Sam takes a couple of minutes to decide what he'd like to prepare (and note that nobody jumps down his throat for this -- hypocrites), Marcel and Elia discuss what they might like to do. Marcel thinks he may want to use lobster, but Sam announces that he'll be taking the first course, and will be using lobster and scallops. Other courses are divided up, and as usual, nobody wants to touch dessert with a ten-foot pole. It's times like this I wish Marisa were still around to grab dessert, brag about it, screw it up, and go all crazy at Judges' Table. That was fun. Sam prods Elia into doing dessert, saying the judges will give her credit for taking a risk. She falls for it. Er...she accepts, that is.

Commercials. I don't even like chocolate cake that much, but daaaaaaamn. That looks good.

Shopping. Cliff recaps the challenge. We run down the menu, but since the title department is involved, it's really anyone's guess what will actually show up on the table. Sam is making seared scallops with lobster plum sauce and beets. Ilan is making fideos with clams and saffron for the second course. Marcel is nonplussed to see that Sam is using beets, because his dish calls for them as well. Beets are really popular with this set of chefs. Didn't Betty use a ton of them? Anyway, Marcel refuses to change his vegetable idea, because Sam has already yoinked lobster out from underneath him. That's pretty dumb. Why risk alienating the diners with a barrage of beets just to prove a point? Marcel's making salmon with celeriac and beets, and there must be several different vegetables he could substitute in. Cliff's handling the fourth course, which will be sirloin with lentil puree and plum jam. Sounds good. Elia's making dessert, which will be called "The Kiss". It's a chocolate mousse with a chocolate heart served on a pastry heart, so it's partially based off the half of her Quickfire entry that Eric liked. No shopping drama. Could this episode actually be about, like, food and stuff? Awesome!

Santa Barbara. Birds and sailboats are happy to see everyone. Everyone stops by a wine store. They buy wine. It takes all of fifteen seconds. The chefs pull up to the restaurant at which they'll be serving dinner. Marcel thinks there will be plenty of time to get everything ready. Ptom meets them in the kitchen, and tells them they'll be cooking for about thirty people. I hope they knew the amount of food to buy before now. The chefs explore the kitchen, and Ptom starts the timer that gives them five hours of prep time. Sam interviews that he's very focused in the kitchen, and he starts right away. Ilan looks for a cutting board. Marcel wants to wash his vegetables in the sink, and Cliff's vegetables are kind of in the way. Marcel's snotty about it. Cliff interviews that Marcel's annoying. And for ONCE, the level of irritation at Marcel is actually in proportion to his behavior. Progress! Food chaos ensues. Aw, Marcel's putting little heart shapes on the salmon. He's nervous, because there's so much riding on the challenge. Sam thinks Marcel's insistence on using beets is silly. Elia makes a pan of chocolate (looks like there may be some caramel and/or butterscotch in there too -- mmm). She knows cutting heart shapes out of it is cheesy, but she's aiming for something romantic. Cliff says he doesn't plan on doing anything to screw up his chances of going to the finals. A loud siren starts going off. OK, not really, but it should have.

As time starts to run down, Sam asks Elia if she'll be able to help him plate his course. She considers this for a moment, then agrees. Sam then moves on to Marcel, and we'll need to plug in our translators now. "When my course goes, are you going to be able to help or are you gonna be stuck?". In human language: "I am asking you for a favor, but recognize that you may have more pressing issues." In Samese: "You will, of course, be willing to drop what you're doing and assist me, correct?". Marcel, being human, hears it as it should be heard, assesses how much work he has yet to do, and tells Sam that he doesn't think he'll be able to help. This gets translated back into Samese as "Fuck you", and so Sam concludes that Marcel acts like an adolescent twat. I really don't know, as in the Betty/Ilan situation, if Sam is being deliberately obtuse here, or is just plain stupid.

Limecrete: "Hey, So-and-So. Can you pick me up at the airport on Wednesday afternoon?"
So-and-So: "Hmm. It looks like I'm going to be stuck at work on Wednesday afternoon, so I won't be able to do that."
Limecrete: "Well, you're just adolescent!!!!!!!!"

I mean, how does that even make any sense? These goddamn people. The celebrating couples begin to arrive at the restaurant, and peruse the menu. I'm sure they're eating for free, which is nice, but I'd hate to show up to a romantic dinner and not have a choice of what I'm eating. I'm not sure my boyfriend would be in much of a romantic mood when my allergic reaction to Sam's scallops kicked in, and I began projectile vomiting. The judges have a table as well. Various adorable couples tell us how long they've been together. Aw. Cliff and Ilan help Sam plate up his course. Elia, though she's agreed to, doesn't help, because she has the nerve to be working on her own food. Of course, Sam doesn't utter a single ill word against her. These goddamn people. Sam's course is served, with odd porn jazz in the background. The judges really like it, as do the other diners. Meanwhile, Ilan's dish is coming right down to the wire, because he's waiting for the clams in his pans to open. Marcel comes over and asks if Ilan needs the entire line of burners (that's ten of them). Ilan mostly ignores him, but it looks like Marcel is given access to one burner. One burner to prepare thirty pieces of fish for the next course. Now, I'm not going to give Ilan grief for hogging the burners when his course is fifteen seconds from being served. He needs them to be ready. Fine. But let's just imagine Ilan's reaction, should their positions be reversed. I imagine something along the lines of Chernobyl.

Ilan's food goes out, and is well-received. One guy just nods nervously as his wife compliments the clams, like he's scared he'll say something wrong. Heh. The judges also really like it. Meanwhile, Sam's doing what he does best. Being a passive-aggressive little girl over the fact that Marcel was too busy to help him. He snots that he's certainly not going to help Marcel. In fact, Marcel interviews that nobody would help him, but Cliff is shown helping out. Not that the help is that stellar, as an entire pan of salmon slides right by Cliff, and onto the floor. It's unservable now, and Marcel worries about what he's going to do.

Commercials. I like Diane Keaton and everything, but any impulse I would have had to see this movie is now completely exhausted. All things in moderation, ad people.

The diners happily drink their wine. Meanwhile, Sam is interviewing that while he really wants to be the jerk and not help Marcel, he can't be that big of an asshole, so he does give Marcel some assistance. I'm not going to waste any time patting him on the back for overcoming a temper tantrum he should never have had in the first place. Even Ilan is helping plate Marcel's food. I guess if he can't convince anyone else to be in his cabal, he's not interested in being the sole bully. Marcel interviews that he's made up for the loss of fish by cutting the larger pieces in half. The diners and judges seem to enjoy it. Gail either really thinks the little potato hearts across the top of the fish are precious, or she's being extremely deadpan in making fun of them. I've decided it's the latter, so hehehehe. One of the diners isn't thrilled she's getting more beets. Cliff plates his food. The sirloin looks good. Marcel opines in an interview that Cliff likes to go the safe route, hoping another chef will screw up enough to deflect attention. This is the first plate to get real criticism from the judges. Padma trades her extremely rare piece of meat for Ptom's piece, which is more cooked through. Ptom can't see why Cliff would puree the lentils to serve as a side dish. Eric calls it "hotel food", which is a blanket criticism on this show.

Elia plates slowly. Someone tells her she's got to go faster if she's going to be done on time. She starts to freak out, because the pan of chocolate she wants to cut heart shapes out of is stuck to the tray. It's too hard to get the heart shapes out efficiently. Sam gives her good advice, which is to just rip the chocolate off the tray and break it up into little pieces by hand. She wants to save the hearts she's made already, but he says it won't look right if some people get hearts and some don't. He says the broken pieces of chocolate look much better than some cheesy heart shape anyway. Despite all this comfort, Elia throws up her hands in defeat, declaring that she's just done; she quits. She's having a meltdown over something this minor? Calm down, lady. She interviews that it looks and tastes good, but it wasn't up to the standard she wanted it to be, especially when it's served to a chef like Eric. She's on the verge of tears as she tells Ilan it's the first time in the whole competition that she's not happy with the food she put out. Various couples enjoy the dessert. All the judges can find to say about it is that she's not delivering a chocolate heart as promised on the menu. What the hell? If these people bust Elia's chops over serving them food that's not the shape they were expecting, I am going to be furious. Ilan interviews that Elia's a perfectionist, but he thinks the dessert turned out beautiful.

The judges talk about the meal. Padma and Gail think it's the best food they've seen so far. Ptom doesn't get what was romantic about it. I'd like to hear what he thinks would be a romantic meal. That sounds snide, but I actually mean it. What sets a food apart as "romantic" without going over the top? The other judges semi-disagree with Ptom, thinking the scallops were very romantic. Ilan thinks all the plates looked good tonight, so it may come down to who was the least romantic. Sam, Cliff, and Marcel fret over their chances. Marcel pops the cork off a bottle of wine with a knife, which used to impress me mightily, and pretty much doesn't anymore.

Cellblock. Ilan interviews that the chefs borrowed a camera for the evening, and that everyone was loopy and excited after the challenge. It's the usual kind of goofy 2:00 AM filming after people have had a few drinks, only there's less boob-flashing. They start talking about how Elia's always wanted to shave her head. Ilan, always a fan of the bandwagon, tells her that if she shaves her head, he will too. It becomes a kind of I-dare-you thing. Ilan is the first to actually go through with it, and Elia helps shave off his hair as Sam tells them they're out of their minds. Ilan looks much better afterwards. That haircut he had suits nobody. Elia's up next, and she happily starts shearing off her hair. Aw, I love Elia's hair! Boo! Cliff's giggly. Elia, in interview, pulls off a wig to reveal her bald head. She looks kind of Sinead O'Connor-y. It's not flattering. Cliff's already bald, and Sam opts out of the whole head-shaving thing. Oof, I don't blame him. He'd look goofy with a shaved head. And this is when Cliff interviews that they thought it'd be funny to shave Marcel's head as well. And if they all just sat their bald, drunk asses around a table and joked about how funny that would be, this entire scene would be pretty hilarious and entertaining.

Instead, Cliff goes to where Marcel's sleeping (which is a couch for some reason), and pulls him up. Someone turns the lights on. Cliff pulls Marcel up some more, Marcel, now aware that he isn't dreaming, tries to fight him off. Cliff is much bigger than him, and has no trouble getting him up and pinned to the floor. Ilan is joyously calling for Sam. Sam sits to the side, not participating, but with a wide grin pasted on his face as he watches. Cut to Sam interviewing that it was "an uncomfortable situation for all parties involved". Um, no. I'd say you looked quite comfortable, indeed. Ilan is now joyously calling to Elia for help in attacking Marcel. She's not in the room, and doesn't come, but knows exactly what's going on. Marcel interviews, with an odd sense of calm, about what was happening to him. He manages to break free and walk into another room. Ilan kiddingly tells Cliff to apologize to Marcel in a let's-appease-the-baby-with-no-sense-of-humor tone of voice. Cliff interviews that it was a stupid joke on the chefs' part. That indicates that the whole ordeal is over, and it wasn't. Sam eggs one of the other chefs into starting it up with Marcel AGAIN, and one of them (either Cliff or Ilan) approaches Marcel with the camera. But wouldn't you know it, Marcel's not in the best mood over the whole getting physically attacked thing, and shoves the camera out of his face. He interviews he went down the hall and just slept on the bathroom floor.

And at this point, I've completely lost my patience with this season, this show, and reality television in general. Assault dressed up as a practical joke is not entertaining. Mob rule against an annoying, but basically harmless person is not entertaining. From that scene on, I'm just going to give a short summary of what happens on this season of Top Chef, because spending a few hours writing about this set of people isn't fun anymore. At all.

In the morning, the chefs regret what they've done to Marcel. Oh, well that makes everything better. Ptom shows up, shooes everyone out of the room but Cliff, tells him he's broken the rules of the show by physically handling Marcel, and tosses him out of the competition. Cliff makes a surprised face, like, "Huh? There are consequences for assault?". To his credit, Cliff knows he brought it on himself. What's weird is that he seems most disappointed about not going to the finals, when I think his more pressing concern should be "You want a job? Weren't you one of those people who attacked someone you didn't like, and tried to disguise it as a joke? Yeah, don't call us. We'll call you." Ptom tells the other chefs what happened, and that there will still be a Judges' Table in the evening. Cliff says good-bye. Marcel shakes his hand, saying he wishes things didn't turn out the way they did. Cliff apologizes, and he's the only one to do so, though they all owe him an extremely large one. Marcel feels bad about the situation, and Cliff interviews that he wishes Marcel nothing but the best, and ironically, he's about the only one I believe when he says that. For him, it was a joke that got out of hand. For Sam and Ilan, who have expressed nothing but vile loathing for Marcel since Day One, this was much more serious. And yet, they won't be penalized a single bit, because they're not the ones who actually touched Marcel. Bullshit. I later read that Ptom wanted to pretty much disqualify everyone and declare Marcel the automatic winner of the season. Naturally, the producers wouldn't let him do that, but for the sentiment, let me say: Ptom, you're my hero.

Judges' Table. Ptom informs the others what has happened, which seems to genuinely surprise Padma and Gail. They also quickly agree that had things progressed normally, Cliff may very well have been the chef eliminated anyway. His food didn't particularly impress anyone. The chefs come in. Padma narrows her eyes at the chefs. Gail has a face like "Shaved heads? What the fuck ever." All the judges, save Eric, yell at Elia, Sam, and Ilan for participating (or not stopping) the attack on Marcel, and say several things about how antithetical that behavior is to what they're looking for in a winner. They decide to move on and discuss the food, but not before Padma calls the chefs idiots, so let me say: Padma, you're my hero.

Marcel's food was great, but lacked acidity. Elia's food was great, but she didn't do much for five hours' worth of work. Ilan's was fine. Sam's was great, but had a very strong sauce and didn't have quite enough lobster in it. After the chefs are dismissed, the judges deliberate. Sam and Ilan seem to be the favorites, while Marcel's salmon is found to be a bit boring, and Elia's dessert was lacking. Padma wants to see what Marcel will do in Hawaii. Ptom wonders why Elia even made a dessert, as if the chefs wouldn't have been torn new assholes if someone didn't make a dessert for a "romantic" meal. The judges reach a decision. The chefs come back in. Padma tells Sam and Ilan that they're moving onto the finale. Hooray for people that instigate and tolerate assaulting their competition! Padma then messes with me by telling both Elia and Marcel to pack their knives. Because they're both going to Hawaii as well. Eeesh, she pulled that off well. I was convinced they were both eliminated, and I thought there would be no way that Marcel could go home after what happened to him. Well done, Padma.

So, all four chefs are off to Hawaii. And I'll watch the shows, because now I have to see who wins. And then we can mercifully let these assholes sink back into obscurity where they belong.

Overall Grade: D-