Snacks on a Plane

Top Chef - Season 3, Episode 12

Previously on Top Chef: Howie tried to prove he's not a completely irredeemable dickhead by sacrificing himself to the bullshit challenge and its attendant appalling judging panel. It worked. Six chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. I wanted to tackle those Cheddar/chive biscuits that entire restaurants are built around. I should have probably taken a closer look at the recipe and halved it before I started, because soon my kitchen was overrun with them, like Tribbles. They weren't bad, though.

Morning at Chef's Manor. 6AM, to be precise. Peaceful "happy animals in the forest" music plays as we get shots of all the chefs sleeping. Into this blissful quiet comes a grinning Padma, who happily screams "Good moooooorning! Rise and shine!" as she rips the covers off of Casey. Yeah, it's going to take a while before I buy any of the judges as likable again. CJ sarcastically interviews about how nice and gentle Padma was. She doesn't rip the covers off of any of the guys, which was probably wise. We can have some surprises under those blankets. She tells them there's a surprise in the other room, and skips out. Dale knows to expect some horrible breakfast challenge. Aw, our chefs have finally learned to be appropriately suspicious. By the way, I completely covet Dale's shirt, which simply reads "SLEAZY". Awesome.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs come into the main room, still in their jammies. A complete challenge has been set up, and I have to wonder how they got that accomplished without waking anybody. Rows of spices, baking staples, and other ingredients line the counter. Padma tells them that their challenge is to make her breakfast in twenty minutes, using a product-placed blender. Saram points out that everyone has to cook in their sleeping clothes, and laughs over how ripped up CJ's are and how Casey's still in her robe. At least they let everyone put a shirt on. Nobody needs a hot oil spatter on their nips. Unless they're into that. Padma gives the word, and everyone scrambles for the food. Naturally, Hung goes into his usual spaz attack the minute the time starts, and as always, I'm torn between annoyance and a sort of admiration for how wholeheartedly he throws himself into these challenges.

Of course, speed without thought has consequences, and this time, it's a bottle of oil that Hung knocks onto the ground, where it shatters. Casey points out that running in a kitchen is not highly recommended, and that now there's oil and glass all over the floor in a room full of chefs in their socks (or in some cases bare feet). Hung interviews that he didn't think he was the one to knock the oil over (a sort of statement you should never make when you know your every move is being videotaped). He offers an insincere apology if he was, in fact, the culprit. Then there's a patched-in quote of him saying he doesn't much care about anyone else, he's just there to cook for himself. I highly doubt this is when he said that; they're just trying to make him sound more hateful. He really doesn't need the help. He raids the fridge, knocking out even more food, then abandoning it on the ground.

Dale tells us he ran a brunch place for a year in Chicago that won an award, but in that case, he had four hours to prep food and a nice, full kitchen. This is twenty minutes, a tiny cutting board, a blender, and a butane burner. Hung interviews that he's always in a hurry (shocker!), so he doesn't eat breakfast often. He sets to work on a steak and egg plate, which is very "traditional". I don't think many people eat steak and eggs for breakfast anymore. They eat it as late night food when they're drunk. Which actually means it's perfect for this challenge, as we all agree that Padma looks hungover as hell. Hung also works on a smoothie with several ingredients, including Grand Marnier. Yep, he knows how to work Padma this morning. Saram also knows her way around Padma's love of booze, directly following that statement up with one about how Padma's into healthy food. Heh. She's making French toast with whole-grain bread. Casey is also making French toast and eggs, and whipping together a salsa as well. She rushes to get something from the counter and almost wipes out on the oil Hung spilled. CJ is working on crepes, which "women love". Um... OK, then. I never really knew crepes were a gender issue, but whatever. Time runs out.

Padma starts off with CJ, who has make a shake out of blueberries, dates, and mascarpone. Quick side note. They've never really defined what criteria a Top Chef possesses, but I'd like to request one. A top chef pronounces the word "mascarpone" correctly. I don't know why supposed professionals insist on giving the r an all-expenses-paid trip to the first syllable, but they need to stop. CJ has also made a berries and cream crepe, with almond flavoring in the whipped cream on top. Padma likes it, which CJ attributes to the awesome power crepes have over women's ovaries or something. Saram presents her "rustic" French toast, which is served with prosciutto, eggs, and a big 'ol slice of grapefruit. Padma happily discovers that there is maple syrup on top. Casey also has French toast and grapefruit, but it looks totally different than Saram's. Her French toast incorporates the chunky salsa she's made, along with some spinach, and a sunny-side up egg. I like runny yolks, but this egg is practically begging for salmonella. Padma asks her if she makes a lot of brunch at home, and Casey almost embarrassedly admits she doesn't cook much at home. It's understandable. I don't examine maize DNA sequence in my free time.

Hung's steak and eggs includes some mushroom, onion, and, as the reliably shitty title department would have you believe, papaya. Hung hasn't actually lost his mind and put papaya on steak. The papaya is in the smoothie, which also incorporates banana, honey, and Grand Marnier. I can't believe people are given real money to produce these titles. Padma tells him she's not a usual fan of steak and eggs, but his dish is very good, and the smoothie is "fantastic". Ah, the power of alcohol. Dale says that since he's from the midwest, savory breakfasts are all about bacon. Preach it, brother! He didn't have access to bacon in this challenge, so he used ham to make a ham, apple, and onion frittata on a mustard hollandaise sauce. Padma tells him it's "very nice". Brian has poached egg with lobster (of course) and butter, and added a saute of red onion, lemon, smoked salmon, olives, and grape tomatoes. Yeesh, that's a lot going on. He's also made a blackberry/raspberry/banana smoothie, which doesn't turn out to be that smooth, as Padma discovers some blackberry seeds.

Time for the results. CJ makes fun of Hung for dropping the oil. Hung looks severely unamused, which is severely amusing. Padma doesn't pick any losers for this challenge. Really, everyone did well (except for Brian, who wasn't awful), and Padma always lets Ptom or the guest judge explain why certain people failed. Perhaps the production doesn't want her to come off as a bad guy, which is weird, when you think of the way they let Ptom carry himself. Anyhoo, the two people who impressed Padma the most were Hung and Saram. The win goes to Hung, in part because he used the blender more than Saram, and you've got to keep those sponsors happy. The chefs applaud him, including himself. Classy. Dale can't seem to decide if Hung won because he got Padma to like steak and eggs or because he plied her with liquor. I know what my money's on. As the winner of the Quickfire, Hung will get an advantage in the upcoming Elimination Challenge (hopefully a better "advantage" than Brian got last week), and also a copy of Padma's new cookbook: How To Put Booze In Everything. OK, that's not the real title, but it's probably a more accurate one.

Before she leaves, Padma tells the chefs that the game is about to change. The chefs look at her like "Yeah? What else is new?". She announces that the show is hitting the road, with the last stop in Aspen for the finale. The chefs will leaving Miami this very afternoon. They break into smiles and applause instantly, because they couldn't be more sick of their living space, no matter how nice it is. Hung comes to claim his cookbook, and Padma also hands him airplane tickets to hand out to everyone else. They all grab one, and agree to open them at the same time. They do, and break into wild cheers when they find out where they're headed. The audience, however, must be kept in suspense through the...

Commercials. I don't know why Miller even bothers advertising here. If I'm going to drink cheap beer, I'm going to drink cheap beer that helps the local economy.

OK, what fabulous destination are the chefs off to? New York! Oh. That's kind of a letdown. I mean, hooray for New York and everything, but every reality show ever usually takes place there. I was thinking it'd be someplace, well, new. CJ is excited to go to New York for the first time, so he can get a slice of pizza. Dude, go to Chicago. They're the ones who know pizza. Dale is looking forward to New York, saying his old goal was to make it to the final six. Now that he's done it, his new goal is to make it to the final four. Everyone packs. Brian pays some lip service to Miami, even though the chefs clearly can't wait to blow town. Everyone's proud of what they accomplished, everyone is excited for the next phase of the competition, and everyone wants to win.

A lovingly product-placed plane takes off, and sails shinily through the clear sky. Not shown? Any of this. The plane lands at Newark, and the chefs strut off the plane, where they're met by Padma. I covet yet another T-shirt, in this case CJ's, which has an upside-down tree on it. Padma tells them that in order to make it to Manhattan, the chefs will need to pass the next Elimination Challenge, which is taking place right here in the Newark airport. Casey emits a heavily sarcastic "very nice" which makes me giggle. The chefs are sent off to some scuzzy local hotel for the evening. CJ's upset that he won't get any pizza. I'm fairly certain the Newark airport can take care of that. When I came home from a month and a half abroad, I bought a hot dog in the Newark airport (served by a remarkably rude woman), and it was like heaven. Yay, American grease! But I digress. The chefs resignedly head out.

Elimination Challenge. The chefs come back to the airport, and walk into a large building near the tarmac, which turns out to house the airline kitchens. Everyone is required to wear plastic coverings on their heads, which looks especially goofy on Padma, who refuses to tuck in her bangs. She introduces the man standing next to her, who belongs to a group that is trying to upgrade airline food's poor image. I'd imagine the recent record-breaking amount of late/cancelled flights, lost luggage, making people sit on runways for hours at a stretch, kicking people off planes for wearing skirts, talking, or speaking their native language, and having passengers enjoy a river of excrement would be more of a concern than overcooked chicken, but what do I know?

The Elimination Challenge for the week is to devise a hot entree that will actually whet passengers' appetites. Of course, it's specified that the meals would be going to first-class passengers, and it's not like they've ever had trouble in the food department. It's those of us back in coach who have had to contend with the pig slop. The mystery man is finally dignified with a name (Gerry McLoughlin), as Padma tells the chefs they'll have two hours to prep and package their food, which will be presented to the judges and a group of "travel experts". Hung's advantage for winning the Quickfire is that he gets first choice of proteins, which nobody else may use. Wait, the Quickfire winner gets an actual edge in a challenge that can actually be completed? Am I watching the right show? Gerry gives them a tour of the facilities, which is exactly as exciting as it sounds. The only useful information we get out of it is some common sense (all the food on the plate is heated together, there isn't a lot of packaging space to work with, etc.) and that the food must cook for at least ten minutes. No tuna tartares here! Gerry wishes everyone luck.

The challenge begins, and time starts counting down. Hung steps up to choose his protein, and selects sea-bass (he also says he's going to accent it with some shrimp, but that doesn't seem to count against the other chefs' protein choices). He explains that he chose sea-bass because it's an oily fish, and thus it's difficult to dry out. Sounds reasonable, just as it did before. The other chefs appear to go for their proteins at the same time, so it's a bit chaotic. Dale's strategy is to appeal to as many people as possible, so he goes for peppercorn-crusted filet, which is a "slam dunk". I'll say; I freaking love that stuff. CJ has chosen halibut, and wants to make a kind of succotash pilaf. Brian works on a surf 'n turf of lobster (of course) and New York strip steak. There's a short montage of chefs frantically looking for various kitchen equipment, because they're not psychic enough to know where everything is in a room they've never been in before. CJ beats on a can with a knife, because nobody's been able to locate a can opener. Yeesh. Saram says that burner space is at a premium.

And...in comes Ptom to Ptimewaste. I guess one of the perks of baldness is that he doesn't have to wear a plastic head cover, although based on Ptom's usual clothing choices, it'd probably be a step up. He makes his way through the kitchen, and true to the name, we learn absolutely nothing interesting or essential to the challenge. That's fine; I can pay my credit card bill while I wait for him to shut up. As time begins to wind down, people start boxing up their meals. Brian realizes that CJ has fallen behind, and is unlikely to get things packaged in time. Hung is busy cleaning his knives, and we get an odd segment in which Dale takes him to task (in interview) for not doing CJ's work for him. The other chefs help CJ finish his preparations.

Listen, I'm all for being friendly to your competitors, even as you're trying to best them. Not understanding that is what did Tiffani in. And I'm all for the attitude that you should want to beat your competitors by having a superior product, rather than on some technicality. That said, helping CJ out of a jam that he put himself into is not Hung's responsibility. Sure, it'd be nice if he were kind enough to pitch in, but it's not a character flaw that he didn't. If this were a real life kitchen, in which all the chefs are supposed to be working together, fine. But it's not; it's a zero-sum game. If you and I play Monopoly, know that I love you, but if you land on my hotel, you're handing over the money, bitch.

Commercials. If you don't shop at WalMart, you're a bad mother, and your children will starve.

The chefs walk into a gigantic hangar that houses a large plane. The judges await them at the stairway leading up to the plane's doors. Gail still isn't back (crap!). Taking her place is Anthony Bourdain, who really needs more work to do if he's constantly available to be a backup judge. "You need me to show up and be grouchy? I'll be there in twenty minutes!" I might have to start calling him Anthony Seacrest. This week's guest judge is Jimmy Canora. I guess Gerry wasn't important enough. And rounding out the judges this week is a man who's far too old to be dressing for the Newsies audition he's apparently on his way to. Oh, wait. That's Ptom. He is wearing a leather jacket over a black t-shirt, a backwards newsboy cap, and leather shoes with no socks. No, really. It's like a thrift store fell on top of him, and this is how he emerged from the rubble. Even if he weren't such a shitty judge, would you be able to take criticism from anyone in this getup? Hung recaps the challenge for us. Padma reminds the chefs that they'll be cooking for "travel experts", and these experts unsurprisingly turn out to be a seemingly never-ending line of flight attendants. Once they've all finally boarded the plane, it's time to serve.

Brian and Dale are up first, one in each of the plane's galleys. They each have issues getting the equipment to cooperate with them. CJ helps Brian plate up, and his food is brought out. His strip steak is served with purple potato and a lobster hash. The steaks are enormous. Dale describes them as brontosaurus burgers. Hehe. I can't imagine the diners could eat all of it, and still have room for five other entrees. One woman with an unfortunate speaking voice tells her seatmate that the steaks are really tender and that the portions are very generous. The judges are less pleased, saying that the lobster is overcooked. Casey helps Dale plate up. He serves his peppercorn steak, which has a mushroom sauce and asparagus on top, and leeks on the side. But wait! There's more! He also serves a side dish of shrimp with zucchini and celery. A flight attendant who kind of looks a little like Nnenna loves his presentation. Jimmy thinks the sauce is really rich, and although Anthony likes the aggressive pepper on the steak (as would I), he thinks it's probably a bit too strong for the average person. Two seatmates agree that Dale's was better than Brian's. But not all is well in Daleville. It seems that instead of making eighteen portions, Dale has prepared seventeen. One poor flight attendant is left with an empty tray. Aw. Dale's response to this is a succinct "Oh, fuck".

Up next are Hung and Saram. The magic of television whips us through their cooking time, and CJ comes up to help Saram plate. She says that her vegetables held up well, but isn't too sure about how some of her fish turned out. She serves her seared salmon over leek fondue, which is topped with spinach. Sounds good to me. Her side dish is a spinach and fig couscous. Several flight attendants enjoy the salmon. One woman opines that regular flyers would like it as well. Well, who cares about regular people? Let's go over to Anthony and Ptom, who are bonding over their disdain of the dish. We spend a few seconds on them being their usual ray-of-sunshine selves before catching up with Hung. Casey helps him plate up. He takes out his Chilean sea-bass, which is topped with a tomato sauce, and served with baby squash and onions. Sounds good. It gets good reviews. Even Ptom mutters "pretty good", which translates to Normal Person English as doing a triple backflip and yelling "HOOOOOOOOOORAY!!!!".

Finally, CJ and Casey get ready to serve. Brian helps CJ plate. CJ worries that his vegetable side dish isn't up to par, but feels good otherwise. He takes out his halibut, which is seared and served with toasted farro and mint oil. His side dish is roasted broccolini with breadcrumbs in a vinaigrette. Nothing goes over well with the judges (we don't see how CJ fared with the flight attendants). Anthony drops the word "sickening", but we all know how prone to exaggeration he is, so that probably means "not great". Dale helps Casey plate. She worries that her meat may not have cooked all the way through, and is concerned over her portion size. She takes out her grilled veal medallions with crimini and apple brandy. I had no idea there was a food called crimini. If I didn't dislike mushrooms so much, I'd rush out and buy some now, just so I could enjoy saying the word "crimini" as much as possible. Crimini, crimini, crimini! Casey's side dish is a cauliflower gratin with Gruyere cheese. Ptom gives this one a "very good", so I guess that's like a ninety-nine Roman candle salute. Everyone likes all the food, though Jimmy points out that they don't often serve cauliflower to people stuck on a plane. Heh, no kidding. Padma thanks the flight attendants for "helping [the judges] decide", although I haven't seen any indication that their opinions are taken into account at all. Padma walks back to the coach seats to inform the chefs that she'll see them at Judges' Table. It's a safe bet. Everyone's nervous.

Commercials. We're asked to vote on the "fan favorite". Why not just save a lot of time and effort, and hand over the big toy check to CJ now?

Judges' Table. What a weird color scheme. Is this Newark or the set of Wake Up, San Francisco!? The judges agree that airplane cooking is a tough challenge. Dale's filet was spicy, but otherwise great. However, the fact that he didn't make enough portions is a "huge factor". Brian's steaks varied in doneness, but the real issue was his rubbery, overcooked lobster hash. Hung's sea-bass was a good choice, and well-executed. Both Casey's veal and her cauliflower were very successful, and she showed the qualities of a "chef", rather than a "cook". Again, I'd love for them to sit down one day and explain what they think the differences between those two things are. I'm not the only one who's curious. Saram's salmon had problems, and the couscous even more so. CJ's halibut was nearly overcooked, but the real issue was the broccolini, which the judges really seem to hate with a passion. Back in the other room, the chefs are telling one another that they've had a good ride, and are happy to have met one another. OK, one of you is about to be eliminated from a reality show. Nobody's going to the electric chair. Padma comes back and summons Hung, Casey, and Dale to the table.

The three of them enter the judging room, and Padma tells them they had the three top dishes of the challenge. So much for Dale's portion issue being a "huge factor". They tell him his filet may not have been that creative, but was cooked perfectly. Dale admits to miscounting the amount of food he needed. Hung is asked why he chose sea-bass, and he reiterates the point about the high fat content making sea-bass difficult to overcook. The judges all really liked it. Casey is complimented for both of her dishes. It not only had great flavor, but was very creative as well. Jimmy gets to announce the winner, and for the second consecutive week, it's Casey. Whee! She wins another actual prize: two first-class round trip tickets anywhere in the world. Oh, sweet! Casey says it feels good to be on such a roll. Padma tells the top three that they'll have to send in some of their colleagues. Gee, who could it be? The top three come back, and Casey is congratulated for her win. The bottom three head out to the judges.

Odd Asian music. Gong. Saram is asked how she thinks she did, and she admits that some of the fish portions cooked more than others, and that she should have separated them out better. Ptom gives her a condescending nod, like "of course you should have, you silly little fool". She did like how her leek fondue came out. Anthony tells her that his salmon was overcooked to the point of being cat food. More on this in a second. Padma tells her that the couscous had no flavor, and that she knows Saram is capable of a better couscous. CJ admits his food didn't turn out well, and the judges sneeringly agree. CJ sarcastically thanks them. He talks about his fish for a moment, before the judges tear the broccolini to shreds. It was "horrifying". It shouldn't be served in prison. Blah, blah, blah. Am I missing something? It's broccolini, bread, and some vinaigrette. I can certainly see how it could be unsuccessful. I could even see how it could turn out to be bad. But I simply do not understand how these three things could be combined to make something that disgusting. Brian is asked why he thinks he's here, and he says something about large portions, which doesn't really make sense. Ptom discerns that Brian is surprised to be in the bottom three, and tells him (along with help from Anthony, of course) that his lobster hash was "disgusting".

So... "Cat food." "Horrifying." "Disgusting." "Gross." "Massive hyperbole." Oh, sorry. That last one was me. OK, there have to be winners and losers in the challenge. Fine. And if there's one person who likes to exaggerate to make a point, it's me. But really? Were these three dishes exponentially worse than the other three, or simply not as good? All three of these chefs have won previous challenges. They know their way around food. I just don't see them producing mush that you wouldn't feed to a random stray. All this is conjecture, of course, but maybe it's time to take a weensy step back from the hissyfit ledge, judges. Brian vows that he'll never use lobster again. Oooh, really? He's asked the same question CJ was asked a moment earlier: Is this the dish that sends him home? He duhs (as did CJ) that it is not. Padma dismisses the bottom three, and they come back to the waiting room, describing the panel's criticisms as "brutal".

Deliberations. Brian should have realized his lobster was overcooked. Saram's salmon was poor, and the couscous was terrible. Padma says "Okay..." in a wary tone of voice that suggests she's about to say something in Saram's defense, but of course we cut out before we can hear any of it. CJ's side dish was "beyond help". Ptom calls the broccolini the "single worst thing they've had throughout the entire competition". Oh, come on. I know, it's not like I can taste the food they're eating, but I just don't buy that broccolini was worse than, oh say...Cheeto shitbombs.

Commercials. Yikes, it's official. I have already commented upon every commercial shown during this break. Wow. Let me go make a quick notation in my calendar for tomorrow: Obtain life.

Elimination. Ptom tells the bottom three that by this stage in the competition, they're expecting "first class" food from all the chefs. Shit. I thought we were past the Bad Pun Stage. Saram's salmon was so-so, and the couscous had no business being on the plate. Ptom reiterates to CJ that his broccolini was the single worst dish in three years of the competition. Still not buying it. Brian's lobster hash was really terrible. Padma delivers the bad news. CJ. Please pack your knives and go. Aw, crud. He thanks the judges for the experience and the feedback. The other chefs give him warm hugs. Well, they try. He's hard to reach, after all. He has a typically classy final interview, in which he says he's grateful for all the new connections he's made on the show, and how he's looking forward to what's coming next in his career. He'll gladly go out for a beer with Anthony and talk shit about his horrible broccolini. Oh, who needs Anthony? Come here for a beer, CJ! Assuming we can wedge you into my tiny apartment, you and your fake nut would be most welcome.

Overall Grade: B-