Second Helping

Top Chef - Season 3, Episode 10

Previously on Top Chef: The chefs split into two teams to face off in the "anticipated" restaurant challenge. Then both teams sucked. The end. Eight chefs still remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. Aside from the ever-popular fancy cheese and secret blueberry muffin recipe, there was an odd, yet good concoction of cucumber, (fat-free) cream cheese, olives, and (fat-free) salad dressing on bread. A completely guilt-free snack! You know, until the weekend rolled around and I ate my weight in birthday cake.

Sunny beaches! Ill-advised bathing suits! People playing jai alai! Why, this must be Miami. Over at Chef's Manor, Casey and Brian lay out in the sun. Casey looks completely sizzled. Inside, Tre says that the competition is starting to wear on people. Tell me about it. Oh, he means for them. He thinks he's got what it takes to win. CJ talks about how competitive he is. He reacquaints us with his battle with testicular cancer. I'm not sure if he's trying to draw a parallel between fighting to stay alive in an arbitrarily-judged reality program and fighting to stay alive...period. I hope not; the link is tenuous at best. Envelopes are pushed under the door for both teams, and they contain even more criticisms from the food critic blogger, because we didn't get our fill at Judges' Table last week. I'll spare you all the blather, and just say that both teams hope to fix the mistakes they made in their restaurants' soft openings. I'm going to really try not to go for the "soft opening" joke.

We then cut straight to the Kitchen for tonight's Quickfire Challenge. The chefs come in, where Padma and Ptom await. Padma reiterates that both teams did a fairly patchy job with their restaurants. The challenge has changed a little for their second try. There must now be two options for each course. Also, the team that wins the Quickfire will get an additional $200 to shop for wine, and the help of a sommelier that Ptom knows. Gee, who could it be? Maybe the only sommelier to have any sort of connection with this show? I'm almost insulted that they don't just tell us straight out that it's going to be Stephen, because DUUUUUUUUUUUUH. Anyhow, the Quickfire is a kind of relay race. Howie is happy to have Hung on his team for this one, because if there's one thing Hung does well, it's run around like a chipmunk on meth. Hung congratulates himself for this quality, although he uses the word "finesse", which doesn't really apply to people who need to be addressed about almost bisecting their competitors. The race consists of four components: shuck fifteen oysters, finely dice five onions, break down four chickens, and crack and separate three eggs, then beat the whites until they're stiff enough to defy gravity for five seconds. Both teams have two minutes to decide who's going to do what.

The teams break. Team Manic easily decides to put Brian on oysters, what with them being part of his livelihood and all. Casey says that Tre is adept at breaking down chickens, so of the tasks remaining, she volunteers to chop the onions, which she calls "not brain science". Uh, oh. You know what the show does to confident people, Casey? I'll start baking the humble pie. Over on Team Depressive, Hung gleefully volunteers for the chicken. Dale is quietly panicking. He interviews that he sucks at shucking oysters and that his knife skills are crappy. I'd grouse over a chef saying he's got crappy knife skills in addition to his weak sense of smell, but I've got to admit it's refreshing to hear something other than "I rock at everything! All will bow before my mighty cooking prowess!" from these folks. Howie goes ahead and pre-excuses himself from any blame, saying that he knows he's not very fast, but the team wanted him to take on the oysters. The teams take their positions. Ptom actually signals the beginning of the race with a whistle. Heh.

Brian and Howie start tearing into their oysters. Man, I wish poor, slow Saran was around to compete in this challenge. Hot, shucking action ensues. Howie shucks and places each oyster individually, while Brian does all the shucking, then all the placing. Howie doesn't do too bad, but to nobody's surprise, Brian finishes first, so Casey gets the go-ahead to start dicing the onions. She's sliced into a couple by the time Howie completes the oysters. Saram gets started on Team Depressive's onions. Oh, did I say "gets started"? No, what Saram does is annihilate the onions. She may as well have waved a wand over them and used one of those pseudo-Latin spells from Harry Potter. Casey is totally dusted. Other chefs interview about how unimpressive she is. See, this is what comes from that "not brain science" crack. If I ever woke up and found myself on a reality show, I'd make nothing but non-committal statements, if only so I could never be hoisted by my own petard.

Saram interviews that her quick knife skills stem from starting at a young age, cooking her first meal at age 3 or 4. How did she reach the stove? She finishes working her magic, and Hung goes into a similar whirlwind on the chickens. The rest of his teammates take giant steps back. Heh, I can't blame them. Hung certainly has his faults, but lack of speed isn't one of them, and he's done with the chickens while Casey is still working on those onions. Dale gets going on the eggs. Casey finally finishes her onions, and Tre gets started on the chickens. By this point, unless Dale faints or is abducted by aliens, there's no way Team Depressive can lose. Neither of those things happens, so Team Depressive wins the day. They rejoice, which makes me unhappy with my choice of nicknames. Oh, well. Too late now. Casey apologizes to the rest of Team Manic. Before the chefs leave, Ptom tells them that "renowned designer [Madonna's Brother]" will work with both teams to fine tune their concepts and designs. My heart sinks. I guess that attention from last week wasn't enough. Padma dismisses everyone.

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The sun sets. I guess it took the chefs a few hours to walk the fifteen feet to their restaurant spaces. Madonna's brother shows up to offer his "expertise". I refuse to spend any more time than necessary on this twat, so let's just hit the salient points. He gives Team Depressive some generic advice. Dale interviews that he's an asshole (sweet), but that eventually, the team swallowed its pride and listened to his suggestions. He wanders over to Team Manic and tells them to come up with a food-related quote that can be stenciled on the walls.

Tiffany: "Where else could I ever see such a grand design idea? Oh, yeah. The last time I was at a fucking Einstein Bros."

Later that night, the teams reconvene at Chef's Manor. Team Depressive begins discussing ideas while Tre is outside jumping rope (for exercise, not fun -- although that is a wonderfully amusing idea). He indulges in a bit of eavesdropping, and hears that they're going to offer a rabbit and gnocchi dish as part of the first course, which he thinks sounds just as heavy as the food they were criticized for last week. He goes inside and reports on this to the rest of Team Manic. They easily come up with a tweaked menu, and Tre offers to do a bread pudding for dessert, which he can do "in his sleep". More confidence? I'll start whipping up another humble pie. No more tonight, though. I'm running out of eggs. Casey says that she and Tre are like brother and sister, partly because they're both from Dallas. Dallas? A few weeks ago, Casey would have had us believe she could spit off her front porch and hit the Mexican border. Jeez, this is like someone from Minneapolis being all "I'm practically Canadian!" Tre tells us he's here to win.

The next day, the chefs head off to shop for food and wine. They have $800 and forty-five minutes to load up. The store only has a small amount of rabbit meat for sale, so Team Depressive buys game hens instead. Team Manic's menu includes salmon or scallops for the first course, carrot ginger soup or lobster salad for the second, and monkfish or that beef tenderloin from last week (minus the smoking problems) for the third. Tre reiterates that dessert will be one of those easy-peasy bread puddings. Over at the wine store, Team Depressive gets $500, and Team Manic gets $300. They also have forty-five minutes to shop. Dale and Hung meet up with the "mystery" sommelier. Why, it's Stephen! You could knock me over with a feather! You know, provided the feather is glued to a wrecking ball. Apparently, the news that rabbit is no longer on the menu hasn't been passed on to this half of the team, because Stephen starts telling them what would pair well with it. The editing suggests that he then goes on to give one of his patented, long-winded lectures about wine. Aw, I miss the Season 1 windbags and villains. Stephen could smarm Hung into the ground, and Tiffani would demolish Howie. Good times. Wine is purchased.

Back at the restaurants, Brian and Dale make alterations in the decor. I guess the new tablecloths and such were just given to them. Dale thinks their new space looks like Valentine's Day just threw up all over the room. Hehe. He does admit it's more "modern" and "edgy". As on Project Runway, "edgy" is used here to mean "ugly". Team Manic has acquired their food quote, which is from Through the Looking Glass. The murder of anthropomorphic oysters always makes me hungry! The teams have four hours to prep their food, and they'll both be serving thirty people again. Hung says that they have to prepare three times as much food as last week. Er... Here's a fun SAT question for you: Casey is to geography as Hung is to ______.

The judges come into the Kitchen. Ted Allen again? Me want Gail! Bring back Gail! The guest judge this week is Geoffrey Zakarian, whom Tre refers to as "anal". Ooh. Padma wishes both teams luck. Mad preparations begin. Someone pours two full bottles of olive oil into a pot simultaneously. My arteries seize in terror, and I tell them to shut up, because yum. Brian greets the waitstaff out front. Assuming the setup is the same, I was wrong last week. They didn't get two waiters. They got three. Yeah, that service should have been really, really easy. The other three members of Team Manic focus on their individual dishes back in the Kitchen. Tre continues his executive chef duties by checking in with all of them. He trusts Casey, who has a lot of experience working the line, but is more reluctant to rely on the less experienced CJ. Team Depressive has changed their restaurant's name to Quatre (four in French). There's a tiresome conversation involving Madonna's brother that I'm skipping. We're finally let in on Team Depressive's full menu. The same tuna tartare from last week is being offered for the first course, along with the poussin (a schmancy word for the game hens). They've made the wise decision to dump Howie's risotto and are offering lamb or halibut for the second course. The third will be the dessert crepe or a panna cotta with fresh berries.

Saram tells Hung to remake something so that it's crispier. I don't know what she's referring to. Howie vows to continue getting along with his teammates. Ptom drops in to tell the chefs that he'll be staying in the Kitchen with them tonight to observe. Huh, interesting. Is he afraid someone's going to cheat again? The chefs are anxious.

Commercials. Even Christian Bale can't get me to see a Western.

Diners stream in and read the menus. Brian and Dale greet guests. Dale says that his teammates are relying on him to provide great service, so he'll gladly be an asshole in the back of the house if that's what it takes. Saram shouts out the first orders to Hung and Howie. She interviews that people work better when the judges are watching. Brian delivers the first set of orders to Team Manic. Dale slightly envies the rapport they have. Saram confirms some orders with a Team Depressive waitress, shushing Hung, who's butting in. The judges head to Team Depressive's restaurant first. Dale and Stephen greet them. Is Stephen wearing...cowboy boots? With a suit? Oy. Ted disdains Dale's serving outfit, which is a collared short-sleeve shirt and jeans. So, the pinstripe/boot combination doesn't worry him? Good thing Carson handled the clothing on Queer Eye. Stephen knifes a cork off a bottle of champagne to applause from the judges. Dale takes down the judges' orders before some very special guests come in. Team Depressive gets to serve Saran and Rochester Joey tonight! Meanwhile, Team Manic gets Lia and Camille, who are both looking quite fine this evening.

Brian excitedly cracks the news to the rest of Team Manic. Dale takes a more circuitous route, telling the other Team Depressive chefs that they have some VIP guests. Saram doesn't understand, and snips that all the guests are VIP. When Dale spills the news of their former competitors, Saram holds a beat, then coos "Aw, how cute!" Heh. Hung, on the other hand, asks "Who's [Saran] and [Amarillo Joey]?". He's not forgetful. I asked a physics professor to explain this for me, and he says that once you're not in Hung's immediate vicinity, you don't exist anymore, what with the universe revolving around him and all. The judges are served Team Depressive's first course. Hung's tuna tartare is just as popular as it was last week. Geoffrey finds serving tuna tartare cliche. Instead of going into another rant, let's just refer back to the Damned If They Do/Damned If They Don't Extravaganza. The game hen is served with mint gnocchi, sweet pea puree, carrots, and hazelnuts. I like almost nothing on that plate, but must admit that it's beautifully presented. Dale asks Ted how he likes it, and gets some warm praise. Dale happily takes credit. Shrewd little game player.

Back in the Kitchen, Saram is telling Howie that his lamb is a little undercooked. He tells her it just needs to rest for a minute, but she disagrees, saying that they're a little too rare. He continues to argue (not intensely or anything) that they haven't rested, and Saram ends the back and forth with a firm "do them over". Howie angrily slams them into the oven. When the lamb meets with her approval, she allows it to be served (with white beans and "haricot verts" -- why they felt the need to refer to white beans in English and green beans in French is beyond me). The halibut is also offered in this course, and it is served with grapes, grape sauce, and braised leeks. Both the lamb and halibut are met with approval by the judges. Detroit Joey has other ideas. He nails the lamb as a Howie creation, sneering that everything on the plate is undercooked. Not that he's bitter.

Stephen chats up the judges and other various guests about the wine, just like he did the last time. Dale says that Stephen has the reputation of being an "ostentatious chatterbox". He pulls Stephen into the back, and gently tells him that he's not a big fan of "over-service", but that everything else is fantastic. Stephen looks crushed. Dale serves the desserts to the judges. The panna cotta has fresh berries, as promised. The crepe is topped with oranges, whipped cream, and an orange Grand Marnier sauce. A random couple enjoys the crepe immensely. Looks like Team Depressive is doing all right for themselves tonight. The judges excuse themselves, and head over to Team Manic's restaurant, where Brian seats them. CJ informs the other Team Manic chefs that this round of food is going to the judges. Ptom sits off in the corner, looking a bit lonely as he eats by himself. He also holds his utensils very strangely, which I think was referred to in the "reunion" episode, but I really can't remember, on account of the fact that I couldn't watch four continuous seconds of that episode without falling asleep. Tre calmly directs the preparations.

The first course is served. Padma gets the same seared sea scallop on corn and black truffle custard as last week. Well, it's the same dish. I doubt it's the same scallop. The other first course dish is Tre's salmon, which is cured in beet juice, and served with a Macadamia nut pesto and some grapefruit. I sometimes suspect that the judges exaggerate how bad a dish is when they don't like it, but in this case, it appears that they really, genuinely detest it. Padma takes one bite, and her face falls in on itself. Ted calls it the worst dish he's had in a long, long time. Geoffrey calls it a "car wreck in Times Square". So it sucks at under three miles per hour? Ted gulps some wine to wash the taste of the salmon out of his mouth. Yikes. Casey finishes up a chilled carrot and ginger soup as one of the second course options. It also has some sake and rice wine vinegar in it. Casey uses sake a lot. A diner enjoys it. The other option for the second course is CJ's lobster salad, which includes arugula and caramelized cauliflower. Two women find the lobster salty.

The first dish of the third course comes out. It's the monkfish with mascarpone-whipped potatoes, served on a beurre blanc (butter sauce). The same lady who found the lobster salty thinks this dish is gorgeous. The other option is the beef tenderloin, now with properly smoked potatoes. Padma finds the monkfish overcooked. Geoffrey thinks both of the third course options are forgettable. Tre brings out his dessert, which is an apple, cherry, and brioche bread pudding, with a cinnamon and brandy Anglaise sauce on the side that Tre pours on himself. He's hardly out of earshot before Ted is tearing into it. In the bad way. He says there's nothing custardy about it, and the apples are undercooked. A dining couple bonds over their mutual disdain of the dessert. The teams hash out how they think they did. Dale thinks Team Depressive's improvement was miraculous.

Commercials. If I ever get myself a mandroid, I'm going to get one that isn't so damn creepy looking.

Judges' Table. The chefs chat in the Kitchen, and they all think they did a better job than last time. Saram praises Hung's speed. Hung just sits there. I think he may be exhausted. The chefs raise their plastic cups to each other. Out in the dining room, the judges agree that tonight was a completely different experience than last week. They begin their discussion with Team Depressive. Geoffrey says their food was really good and "on point". The game hen was great. The halibut was great. The lamb was great (though Ptom found the puree a bit chunky). Ted takes a moment to shred Dale's outfit again. If there's one person who doesn't get to whine about appropriate challenge outfits, it's Ted. Gail, where are you? The judges switch over to talking about Team Manic, which Geoffrey thinks had an "honesty" that Team Depressive lacked. No, that comment is never explained. Everyone liked Tre's scallop dish, but his salmon was an "absolute catastrophe" and "disgusting". CJ's lobster was salty and overdressed. The bread pudding was nasty, though Ted liked the table-side presentations. The judges select a winner.

Padma comes back to the Kitchen and summons Team Depressive to the table. They're told they are the winning team. They're all smiles, and they hug. Even Howie. Saram tells the judges she had a good time working with the guys. Ptom tells them they made great improvements. Padma asks Geoffrey to pick an individual winner, and he says that it all comes down to food. He selects Saram. Yay! She deserves it. I don't know what the food tasted like, but she runs a tight ship. She's thrilled to win her first challenge. Padma asks them to send in the other team, and they head back to the Kitchen. Team Manic applauds for Saram, but they're clearly bummed. Odd Asian music. Gong. Team Manic comes into the dining room and stands there grimly. Padma informs them that they're the losing team, and Ptom tells Brian that the service was "too easy" for him. Huh? He goes on to say that Brian didn't focus on the details of the food that went out. That makes no sense, as the only issues the judges had with Team Manic came from their food's flavors, which Brian had nothing to do with. Tre takes responsibility for the first course dishes. He admits the salmon's pesto was "on the strong side". Geoffrey says it was dreadful, and Ptom asks why Tre would combine nuts, garlic, and cheese with marinated fish. Tre thought the texture would work, but the judges make it clear that there was nothing good about it. Geoffrey does compliment the scallop.

Moving on to the second course. Padma asks about CJ's motivations for the lobster salad. CJ's talks about the flavors he used, and Ptom tells him that it was overly salty. Casey's carrot soup that everyone enjoyed is completely passed over, so that she can be taken to task for the overcooked monkfish. Once that's dealt with, it's on to the horrible bread pudding of Tre's. Ted doesn't expect them to be pastry chefs, but thinks bread puddings are easy. They're asked if they have any experience with them, and CJ cops to knowing his way around a bread pudding. Mistake. Geoffrey leaps down his throat for not holding Tre's hand through dessert preparation. CJ duhs that he thought Tre would be all right on his own. When he's asked his opinion of the final product, CJ says that Tre's bread pudding was "a little boring". Meow! This is where Howie would explode, but Tre's a lot more stoic. Geoffrey asks why CJ didn't "watch Tre's back". CJ doesn't have an answer to that. Ptom asks CJ what happened with his hand-picked team, and CJ shrugs that he thought they did a good job. Ptom tells them that Team Depressive learned a lot more from their mistakes in the soft opening. The chefs are asked if they have anything more to say, and are dismissed when they don't.

Team Manic tells Team Depressive what happened. Ptom tells the other judges that Team Manic suffered from overconfidence and lack of intensity. Probably true. Ted and Geoffrey agree that there was a leadership problem. There is some more incomprehensible criticism of Brian. Tre didn't run a good kitchen, and Ted says that CJ and Casey "abdicated leadership", which was a "failing". Um, you do know what a leader is, right? The thing about a team leader is that there's one of them. You can't whine about three people not showing leadership when the fourth has been specifically designated "executive chef". Can Ted please go elsewhere before he loses every shred of credibility? In a more understandable vein, Tre failed as an executive chef, and his salmon and bread pudding were beyond bad. CJ didn't support Tre enough. Brian didn't do a lot of work. Casey's monkfish wasn't good. The judges pretend that this is a difficult decision.

Commercials. Tim Gunn doesn't need help from a model that looks like a second-rate Posh Spice.

Elimination. Ptom says that the judges expected more in the hard opening. Casey's monkfish was subpar. Again, Brian's service was "too easy", because they can't come up with a real criticism. CJ put the team together, then removed himself from responsibility, only making one dish that wasn't particularly successful. Tre made two really bad dishes. Padma delivers the bad news. Tre. Please pack your knives and go. He takes the loss with magnanimity. He knew agreeing to be executive chef would put him in a precarious position, so the decision is understandable. He hugs the other chefs. Brian interviews that Tre was one of the best chefs in the house, and that he thought he'd last until the end. Yeah, I thought so, too. CJ is sorry to see him go, but respects that Tre "took it as a man". No ugly crying here. The chefs applaud as he goes, and Tre calmly interviews that if an executive chef can't lead the team, then the executive chef is a flaw. He thinks that the show has given him the knowledge he needed to open his own restaurant, and that he won't make the same mistakes again. I'll bet. I like a man who's ruthlessly competent.

Overall Grade: B+

Restaurant Wars - Part III

Top Chef - Season 3, Episode 9

Previously on Top Chef: Howie bullied Saram. Hmm, do we need to go that far back in time for evidence of Howie's shitty attitude? It's almost guaranteed to pop up every twenty minutes or so. The chefs were split into two teams to provide bar food, and Tre's artful use of bacon blew the judges away. Saran's lack of speed and tearful breakdown in the face of more Howie bullying sent her packing. You know, in addition to the unacceptable way she didn't appreciate being treated as a tart instead of as someone who makes them. Eight chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. I tried out a simple recipe for crab dip that turned out okay, but it certainly wasn't anything to write home about. Luckily, Tiffany's spinach balls and spiced dry pasta saved the evening. I'll have to try for more of a crowd pleaser next week.

It's another sunny morning in Miami. For once, the chefs are already up and dressed when we join them at Chef's Manor. CJ is sorry to see Saran go, saying that Howie showed a complete lack of tact and civility. CJ has basically given up on any pretense of polite interaction with him. I'm surprised it took him this long. Howie interviews that he'll go home for his own screwup; not someone else's. Fair enough, but it didn't sound like his food last week was any better than Saran's. Plus, that "baby of the house" crack had nothing to do with food, so he can stop pretending that Saran was this huge anchor that he had to kick himself free from. Saram shrugs off the house drama. She seems to shrug off all of the curveballs of reality television faster than any of the other chefs. Everyone heads out for the day.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs come into the Kitchen, where they are met by Padma and this week's guest judge, Daniel Boulud. He's apparently another one of those big wheels that's well-known in the culinary world and completely anonymous otherwise. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure he's a fantastic chef. I just feel strange each week when they present me with Master So-and-So, who I'm told to be severely impressed by, and who about a third of the time turns out to be some jackhole. Hung is practically licking Daniel's shoes. Dale agrees that Daniel is one of the ten best chefs in the country, if not the world. OK, so what sort of refined culinary challenge is this master chef to judge? Who can prepare the best escargot? Whose rack of lamb reigns supreme? Heavens, no. He's to judge which of the chefs can prepare the best burger that's not already on some chain restaurant's menu. Wow, classy. Daniel actually has some burger experience, having come up with some burger that includes truffles, and costs more than a hundred dollars. Yeah, pass. He likes to fuse American casual style with French cuisine. Padma gives them the traditional thirty minutes to prepare their burger, and says that from now on, the winner of the Quickfire will no longer receive immunity. Uh, oh! Nowhere to hide, now!

Ready? Go! Everyone scatters. Hung is in his usual spaz mode as he smashes up shrimp and runs them to the stove. Saram wants her burger to be healthier than beef, so she's working with crab. She tries to talk herself out of being nervous. Brian is working with the same ingredients of the seafood sausage that served him well before. CJ throws some shrimp and scallops into a blender. Casey seems to be one of the few to use beef. The top of the pepper mill falls off right into her skillet. She's surprised at how many people are using fish, saying she doesn't want to do anything wild or wacky on this challenge. Tre works on a kind of surf 'n turf. Dale is going to plop a fried egg on his burger, which sounds pretty gross to me. Howie uses truffle butter. The time crunch looks to be affecting people more than usual on this one. Everyone hysterically flings their burgers together. One of Dale's burgers is so fat that it's probably not even cooked in the center. Yummy, E. coli! Padma counts down the final seconds. As he whips around, CJ knocks a bowl to the ground. A lot of people appear to finish at the literal last second. Whew.

Padma and Daniel go down the line. Hung has made a shrimp burger with tempura flakes, a sweet sauce, and a shiitake "bacon". Daniel says it's "very nice". Hung giggles like a schoolgirl. Brian has made a scallop, shrimp, and sea bass "burger" with a sweet chili glaze. Why is "burger" in quotes? Because when you take a lump of fish and put it between slices of what appears to be French bread, it's called a sandwich. In fact, Daniel says there is too much bread. Saram has made a crab "burger" with a citrus remoulade, and an orange/endive salad. This time, there's not even any bread. This is a crab cake on a lettuce bed. At best, it could be called a "wrap", but it is certainly not a burger. CJ has made an actual burger. It's made of scallop mousse and shrimp, and has tangerine and what appears to be radicchio. Daniel really likes it, and Casey starts to think that maybe seafood wouldn't have been a bad choice, after all. She has made a sort of patty melt with ground chuck, Port-Salut cheese, and grilled onions. I wish all these sandwiches/burgers didn't have so much lettuce hanging off of them. I know it's popular, but for me, it just gets in the way. Lettuce belongs in salads, damn it!

Tre's surf 'n turf "burger" is tiger shrimp and some petit filet with a horseradish sour cream between slices of ciabatta bread. THAT'S A SANDWICH. All burgers may be sandwiches, but not all sandwiches are burgers. Do I need to make a Venn diagram? Dale has made a tuna and asparagus burger, which is topped with the fried egg and a mirin/soy aioli. I love Dale, but that is not to my tastes at all. Howie has made a black truffle burger with Taleggio cheese, heirloom tomato, and some radicchio. There are also some little glasses to the side with different things in them (one is similar to brown sugar, one is similar to mayonnaise), but they're never explained. Daniel thinks the burger is nice and moist.

LabRat: "That's the brow sweat topping."

Padma gathers everyone to hear the results. Daniel says that everyone had good execution, but that some of them were really more warm sandwiches than burgers. Thank you! Vindication from one of the ten best chefs in the world, or whatever! His least favorites were Saram and Tre, and he never offers any reasons other than the fact that they didn't make burgers. Fair enough. I don't care how tasty your chocolate mousse is, if the challenge was to make the best mince pie. Although I do have to say that were I to choose a sandwich, Tre's sounds really good. Now, to the good news. Howie's burger was very satisfying. CJ's texture was good, and Daniel loved the "firework of flavor". Heh. Dale made the best bread choice of the non-bun burgers. Hung is also included for reasons of "fire". Methinks Daniel likes some spice. Padma asks him for the winner, and he selects CJ. The other chefs applaud, and CJ is happy to win his first Quickfire. Padma reminds him that he doesn't have immunity, but he will have an advantage in the upcoming Elimination Challenge, which starts...

Right now! This week's Elimination Challenge is the perennial Restaurant Wars, which Dale calls one of the "most anticipated" challenges of any season. I hope he got a nice kickback for saying that, because NOT. If you're new to Top Chef, here's the gist of the Restaurant War challenge: The chefs are split into two teams, and they each have to turn a raw space into a mini-restaurant. The chefs are responsible for the name, decoration, menu, and service of their restaurant. Patrons show up and decide which of the restaurants they'll eat at, and their comments are often taken into account at the judging. Is this really the favorite challenge of a lot of viewers? Do people honestly tune into what is ostensibly a show about cooking to watch people pick out flatware? If so, they're nutty. The chefs will have twenty-four hours to get the place ready.

As winner of the Quickfire, CJ gets to choose who will be on his team. A palpable wave of relief washes over him. He diplomatically says that there are people he works well with and people he doesn't work so well with. The camera does the dirty work for him, and we get a shot of Tre for the former, and a shot of Howie for the latter. CJ picks Tre and Brian without even thinking, but hesitates over the third name. He eventually goes for Casey. That team is all smiles, while the folks left behind to work with Howie look grim; Howie included. Hung thinks that both Saram and Howie are "hot-heads", and worries that they won't be able to work together to beat the other team. I'm thoroughly enjoying the fact that he's immediately wringing his hands over his teammates' attitudes. There's a reason you were left behind as well, Mr. Certified Professional Asshole. I do feel sorry for Dale to be stuck on this team, though.

Padma and Daniel take the chefs to their restaurant spaces, each of which is about as big as a two-car garage. Padma gives them half an hour to come up with a restaurant concept and to assign the following four tasks to a team member: head chef, front-of-house, design, and sous chef. "Design" is a really obvious and awkward overdub. Each team will recieve $700 for food, and $2500 for supplies like plates, forks, decoration, etc. Each restaurant should be set up for thirty guests, and the teams will be sharing the Kitchen. The teams jog off to discuss ideas. Since the teams are (almost) split perfectly down the psychological disorder divide, CJ's team is Team Manic, while poor Dale is stuck on Team Depressive. We start with Team Depressive, where Dale is immediately talked over by Howie (of course), who wants to do a French influenced, American contemporary kind of thing. They settle on doing a bistro style restaurant, and agree on certain courses, like tuna and risotto.

Over at Team Manic, CJ suggests that Brian take the front of the house, Tre should be head chef, Casey should take design, and CJ himself will be the sous chef. Everyone agrees. Tre thinks being head chef should be no problem. As far as names, CJ floats his sister's name April, and everyone else is all "fine, whatever". Team Depressive wants to call their place "The Garage", because that's basically what they're standing in. Howie thinks he belongs in the Kitchen, and I wholeheartedly agree. Dale and Hung agree to take the front-of-house, and Dale gives it over to Saram and Howie to decide who should be head and who should be sous chef. Saram volunteers to be head chef, and Howie, perhaps seeing which way the tide is turning after last week, instantly agrees. He seems to finally be realizing that fighting within a team isn't doing him any favors, so he reluctantly says he'll try to get along with Saram. I guess he read the pamphlet I mailed him, which was entitled DUUUUUUUUUH.

Commercials. Yep, I'll be sure to check out that caveman partying website. Right after I win the Iditarod.

Morning. Ah, here are the shots of people waking up at Chef's Manor. I guess they're obligated to show it at least once per episode. CJ wears his watch to bed? Weirdo. He describes the challenge again, while Brian picks out a suit to wear for his front-of-house duties. Tre thinks Team Depressive is going to lose, because... Look who's on it. Speaking of Team Depressive, they chat out on the balcony, as Dale interviews that all four of them are very headstrong and stubborn. Before you know it, everyone's being whisked off for the day. CJ, Tre, Saram, and Howie go to buy food, while the others are driven to the supply store. Saram has picked up that unfortunate "myself" habit from Brian. Both teams are doing "contemporary American" food, which essentially means they can do whatever they want. Saram thinks working with Howie isn't difficult, as long as you know how to deal with him. Brian and Casey buy supplies. They help each other out, in that Casey helps Brian calm down a bit, and Brian squashes Casey's idea to put scented elements in their restaurants, because that "offends" people. Dale and Hung have not gotten that memo, and they stock up on scented candles. After a final montage of people stocking up, everyone heads back to the Kitchen.

Four hours until service. Boring montage of Dale, Hung, Brian, and Casey cleaning and decorating their restaurant spaces. CJ assists Tre in the Kitchen. Team Manic is preparing a corn and truffle custard with sea scallops as the first course, and crusted beef tenderloin on smoked potatoes as the third course. I don't know whether they're just withholding the information on the second course for now, or this is just another treat from the notoriously awful title department. We get the full menu from Team Depressive. The first course will be a tuna tartare (Hung), the second will be a mushroom risotto (Howie), and the third will be a braised lamb shank (Saram). Saram and Howie are both super-focused on their own food, the implication being that everyone's too busy to fight. Howie says that he prepares risotto a different way than most chefs. Saram notes that Tre is a lot more flustered than in previous challenges. Ah, here is Team Manic's second course. It is grouper with shellfish and artichoke hearts. Sounds good. Tre worries that prepping the second course is eating up too much of CJ's time. Chaotic cooking. Chaotic decorating. "Queer Eye's got nothing on my ass," Dale quips. Hehe.

With one hour before service, Ptom comes by to Ptimewaste. He learns that Tre's beef tenderloin was cut into individual portions before being cooked and tells Team Depressive that risotto can be tough to pull off, because it has such timing issues. After he's done talking with the teams, Ptom comes to complain to us that Team Manic should have cooked the tenderloins together, then carved them table-side. Yes, that would be charming, but as we'll see in a bit, it's not like they've got people or time to spare for that sort of display. He also says that Team Depressive has more restaurant experience than Team Manic, so the entire thing will come down to teamwork. This will also turn out to be false. So, thanks for more Ptimewasting!

Hung is spazzing as usual, and knocks over a container, spilling liquid all over the floor. He spazzes even more about cleaning up. Saram tries futilely to calm him down. Half an hour before service, some good-hearted folks come in to serve as the teams' waiters and waitresses. Ah, caterer-waiting. Something with which I have vast experience. Though I enjoy the glamorous world of publically-funded science, it (surprise!) doesn't pay all that well. So I work part-time as a waiter for a catering company. If you thought I was insufferable and pedantic about cooking, wait until they start talking about things I actually know. They're put to work polishing wineglasses, and whatnot. Tre gets caught up working on something, and by the time he realizes the potatoes need to come off the smoker, they've been sitting in there for about four minutes too long. Rut roh! Final montage of cooking, plating, and menu-writing.

Commercials. Buy this car, so a kid who can't time his bladder activity won't have to wet his pants.

Diners start showing up, and choose which restaurant they prefer. Howie recaps the challenge. I'll assume you're familiar with it. Dale seats people. Brian welcomes the judges for Team Manic. "Suddenly", more people walk in, so he gets flustered, because he has to seat them all. Um... You know, never mind. Let's save the front-of-house talk for later. Just keep an eye out for asterisks. Casey and CJ get the amuse-bouche plated in a hurry. Have we heard a word about this before now? Eh, whatever. It's a bluepoint oyster with a ginger and watermelon granita, which is served with some Spanish wine. Ptom and Daniel agree that the oyster is "washed out", and doesn't really have any flavor. Then Ptom discovers that the bread plates are dusty*. This isn't the way Brian wanted to start service. The next course is brought out, and for some reason, Brian has one of the waiters describe the seared sea scallop on corn, with the black truffle custard. Daniel can't figure out if the custard is overcooked on purpose or not.

The grouper with shellfish, basil pistou, artichoke hearts, and cherry tomatoes is brought out. The judges are missing silverware*. Brian goes back to the Kitchen, and asks if all three of his teammates are needed back there, because he really needs some help. As he wanders off to get more silverware, he complains that he doesn't even know how many people are out there*. Tre sends Casey out to assist Brian and to calm him down. Casey comes out and presents the beef tenderloin, which is crusted with wild mushrooms and Gorgonzola. Even on television, you can tell that the potatoes are way too burnt. Indeed, nobody likes the potatoes at all. One diner calls them "horrible". Casey presents the pre-dessert, which is a mango, lemongrass, and sake sorbet. Sounds interesting. Padma actually calls it "too cold", which I'm going to throw a fit about if it comes up at Judges' Table. The actual dessert is an apple tarte tatin (spelled correctly this time) with brandy sauce and an English cream. This dessert seems to be the only thing everyone really enjoys. Two diners clink wineglasses.

Dale is handling the influx of diners fairly well, saying that he waited tables for eight years, though the process is taking some time to come back to him. He says he's all smiles out in the front, and saves all his ranting and bitching for the back. That's definitely the way to do it, though I certainly don't care for the way he's haranguing and cursing at people he met an hour ago. The judges come in and seat themselves, and Dale tells them he'll be right with them. Ted immediately picks up on the scented candle, and disapproves. As Dale comes back by, Ptom tells him that Ted is having a problem with the candle, so can he please take it away. What follows is a split-second look from Dale to Ted, clearly reading "Are you serious, or are you that full of shit?" before he politely agrees, and takes it away. Haha! A guy I was going to call Pretentious Twat 2: Electric Twattening also insults the candle, takes it off the table, and covers it with his napkin before smugly declaring he needs a new one. I've since read that this pretentious twat is actually Madonna's brother, so I can't be too mean. If showing up to reality show restaurants and being prissy is the only way he can find to get some attention, no insult of mine can wound.

After waiting a while, the judges get the first course, which is the tuna tartare with egg vinaigrette, a Nicoise olive puree, and an herb salad. It looks good. Dale tells the judges straight out that Hung was responsible for this dish, and declaring who did what is an interesting move, game-wise. The judges all like the tartare, calling it delicate and subtle. Well, those two adjectives are not Hung's strong suits, so he must have really knocked this one out of the park. Back in the Kitchen, Hung interviews that Howie is cooking three massive batches of risotto all at once, and that risotto should be cooked one-by-one, to order. LabRat nods sagely, only to become perturbed when the judges complain that it's been fifteen minutes between courses. We like slow meals.

The risotto is served in due time, and it's got wild mushrooms, foie gras, and black truffles (by which I assume they mean truffle butter). The judges find it rich, and Padma says that it's not something she'd serve in the summer. Good thing this was filmed in the spring, then. Nice try, though. Dale presents Saram's braised lamb shank, which is served on sunchoke potatoes and baby vegetables. I want to know what those round nuggets on the plate are. Daniel and Ted agree that this has been a very heavy menu. Madonna's brother complains about the lamb, and says that if that was a vegetable medley, he's a monkey. What an odd comparison. And monkey? Did Hung bring his along? Anyway, Madonna's brother, Madonna's brother, Madonna's brother. There, I hope that was enough attention to satisfy him for a while, so that he'll shut up and go away.

The final course for Team Depressive is a sweet crepe with dark chocolate and an orange Grand Marnier sauce. That sounds good, though the presentation isn't. Gelatinous blobs are rarely appetizing. Once Dale's gone, Ted says that he's appreciated the table-side presentations. Hey, Team Manic did table-side presentations as well. They just weren't as competent. The dessert is the third rich course in a row. After they're done eating, the judges excuse themselves, and we get a nice time-lapse shot of the setting crescent moon. The members of Team Manic toast each other. Brian is exhausted. CJ frets over the upcoming elimination, having no idea how Team Depressive did. Dale is equally worried, saying that Team Depressive was hosed by the waiters*, that the food didn't go over well, and that he might be eliminated for not having cooked anything. But if the food wasn't well-received, isn't it good that he didn't cook anything? Whatever.

*Anyhow, here's as good a place as any to wax intellectual about service in the Restaurant Wars challenge. Let me preface this by saying that these contestants are or are trying to be professional chefs. As far as I'm concerned, they shouldn't be judged at all on lack of serving talent. In the real world, sure. It behooves a chef to know how service works. On this show, I'd be perfectly happy with Brian going up at Judges' Table and saying "I'm sorry you were missing a fork, but counting silverware is not part of my job description." All that said, and admitting that this is pure speculation... Serving food for this challenge would not be and should not be so freaking difficult. Every season, there are a bunch of service issues. Why? Are the guests arriving at various intervals? No, it looked like everyone showed up at about the same time. Seating -- easy. Did the waiters and contestants have to memorize or even write down diners' orders or preferences? No, it was a set menu, and everyone got the same thing. Orders -- easy. Was there a never-ending onslaught of diners to feed? Nope, each restaurant was set up for thirty people, and had servers provided. Anticipating demand -- easy.

OK, I'm going to assume each team got two servers (plus the contestant responsible for front-of-house), and that the 30 diners were split into five four-top tables and five two-top tables. If that's the way it shook out, each server was responsible for about three tables. Three. That's about twelve people maximum, all having the same food that should theoretically be ready to go back in the Kitchen. And here people are, scrambling around like chickens with their heads cut off. The missing flatware and the dusty plates should have been spotted, but are easy to let go on a "first night". But "I'm getting killed out here! I need help!" is just silly. I know it's easy to sit at home with a glass of wine and sneer at incompetence in a challenge I don't have all the information about, but it grates to see people lose their shit over carrying four plates of food a grand total of twenty feet, when I'm going to spend every Saturday in September doing quintuple that, with a smile.

Commercials. There's nothing Geek Squad hasn't seen! Including your porn.

Judges' Table. In the Kitchen, Howie tries to calm the other chefs (!) by saying that none of his restaurant openings have ever gone smoothly. In the dining room, Padma is telling the other judges that there was a secret shopper of sorts for this challenge. An "undercover blogger" named Andrea Strong ate at both restaurants, and has written out comments for the judges. A blogger? Who the fuck cares what some asshole on the internet thinks about Top Chef? Er...strike that. Padma says the criteria for this challenge was based on concept, decor, food, and service. Again, if the chef and owner of a restaurant are the same person, that's fine. If a chef is merely head of the kitchen, three of those things are not within their purview. Team Manic's decor gets nicer reviews, since all the judges are horrified by Team Depressive's scented candles. Daniel says it felt more like a massage parlor than a restaurant.

LabRat: "You're French; you should like that."

Hung's tuna tartare gets good reviews. Howie's risotto was far too rich for a "warm night in Miami". As opposed to those snowy winter nights Florida is famous for. Tre's potatoes were too smoky. Team Manic's service was poor, because Brian was so flustered. Ptom says that both teams had their plusses and minuses. Really? The only plusses I've heard about are Hung's tuna, Team Manic's dessert, and Dale's table-side presentations. Speaking of Dale, he's telling the other chefs that he served his ass off. It's about this point that Padma enters the Kitchen, and summons Team Manic to the table. Because the winners are called first every week, Team Depressive immediately starts licking their wounds, with Hung saying they tried their best, and Saram saying that all of them did a "fucking great job". I'd rather do a great job fucking. *rimshot*

Team Manic enters the dining room, and Padma tells them right off the bat that they are not the winning team. I'd be excited that they're finally calling the losers in first, but I've seen the rest of this episode. Padma lets them know about the secret blogger, and Casey looks to the heavens in a "Oh, no. Not one of those snotty jerks!" kind of way. How could she think bloggers would be overly judgmental? What a goddamn bitch! I'm totally kidding. Anyway, Andrea really liked Team Manic's decor, and Brian laughingly tells Padma that she can stop there. Unfortunately, like most bloggers, safe to criticize from behind their computer screens (*ahem*), Andrea then tries to go for biting wit, and lands closer to just plain bitchy instead. She talks in detail about how Brian was sweating, and implores him to get some Right Guard. CJ laughs at him. I feel sorry for him. Padma kindly tells him she didn't notice anything like that, but did note his flustered state. Brian admits to it, and mentions that none of the members of Team Manic have any front-of-house experience. He takes full responsibility for anything that may have gone wrong in that regard.

Padma goes on to read to read more of Andrea's comments about topping a perfectly good oyster with a "Watermelon Slurpee". Nobody really has an answer to this, and CJ says that she's perfectly on point so far, including about Brian's sweating problem. Padma launches into more comments from Andrea about Tre's over-smoked potatoes. OK, I get the idea of having someone who's not a judge offer comments, because the chefs should be trying to impress everyone who ate at their restaurants. And I get the idea of using a blogger who writes about food. I'm perfectly willing to accept her comments. But then why not just have her sit in at Judges' Table? Why is Daniel (one of the "top ten chefs in the country, if not the world") sitting there mutely while Padma recites woman-on-the-street commentary? It's weird and off-putting. Tre admits that he lost track of the potatoes. Ptom pulls one of those knife-twisting moves where he tries to get Tre, CJ, and Casey to turn on Brian as causing their loss. As I always like to see, they do not give him the pleasure, and stick together as a team. CJ says that every restaurant has opening-night problems. Team Manic is dismissed, and is asked to send in Team Depressive.

Which they do. Odd Asian music. Gong. Padma opens by saying that the judges had quite a few problems with their restaurant. Dale describes the concept of "contemporary American/bistro", which as I've said, really just shakes out to "non-ethnic food". Saram admits to nominating herself head chef. Ptom says that was a brave move. Hmm. Padma asks how the menu was derived, and Saram says they did it as a team. Ptom brings up Andrea's blog. Interestingly, Saram's "Oh, no. Not one of those snotty jerks!" reaction is to look down to the floor, rather than Casey's appeal to God. Padma reads off a comment about the "suffocating stink" of the scented candles. This is what I mean. The judges noticed that themselves. Why do we need Andrea's thoughts about it? Padma asks whose idea the candles were. Dale takes responsibility for that, and says that most of the supply store's candles were scented, and that he has a weak sense of smell. He's a chef, and has a weak sense of smell? Isn't that kind of like a partially deaf conductor? Ted doesn't accept Dale's excuse, saying the vanilla scent blew him away, and that Team Manic didn't have any problems finding proper candles. Fair enough. Dale also takes responsibility (along with mentioning Hung) for the rest of the decor as well. He liked the black tablecloths he picked out, but Andrea didn't, saying it was like "eating off Billy Idol", which she wouldn't want to do. Eesh. I know I'm no sparkling wit, but that is not clever. Besides, the issue of the tablecloths is purely a matter of taste. You can't eliminate someone for liking different colors than you, no more than you can eliminate someone because they used a green vegetable you happen to hate in one of their salads.

On to things that actually matter. Hung is asked how he felt about his tuna tartare. He says that he was very happy with it, and Ptom tells him how much the judges liked it, apart from a little too much white asparagus. Howie's risotto was less successful. Andrea said that it was sticky and gummy. Daniel asks what he used to finish it, and Howie says he used Parmesan, heavy cream, and black truffle butter. Ptom points out that the creaminess of risotto should come from the rice. Howie begins to describe his experiences with risotto, but Ptom cuts him off by saying risotto shouldn't mound up on a plate; it should be more flowing. Howie, not having any teammate to pawn this one off on, snaps that he thought his risotto was fine, and that none of the risotto he tasted was gummy or "crap". Ted asks about the "seasonality" of the menu. Saram admits to trepidation about the heaviness of the menu, but thought the two first courses would be light enough that the lamb shank wouldn't be overdoing it. Somehow, Ted takes this to mean that everyone was focused on their own dishes, rather than wanting to present a cohesive menu. Huh? If Howie's risotto had turned out better, there wouldn't have been any problem. I've got to say, Ted is wearing on me. I miss Gail. Howie says that he doesn't have any problems with eating heavier items.

Tiffany: "Well, clearly."

Howie would eat a braised lamb shank at any time of year, sort of implicitly saying that again, this is a matter of taste; not something that was out-and-out incorrect. He's right. Saram takes full responsibility for the overall menu. Team Depressive is dismissed. The chefs fret in the Kitchen. CJ wonders how they're going to pick a winner. Deliberations. Brian's serving inconsistency lasted through at least half the meal. Padma thinks Dale having a weak sense of smell is odd. Ptom says Dale's lack of smell accounts for the overpowering candles, and that he had a lack of taste in the restaurant's decor. This from the man who wears animal prints with the top couple of buttons undone. I don't think people who embrace the 1973 gigolo aesthetic get to comment on other people's tastes. Dale tells the other chefs that he felt like he was getting "pounded on". No, that was last week. Another *rimshot*! Howie's risotto was crappy. Tre's potatoes were crappy. Ted preferred Team Manic. Ptom is disappointed in both teams.

"Suddenly", Ptom "gets" an idea, which is not at all contrived. Padma rests her chin on her fist, as if to say "Please, tell me about this idea that has just now occurred to you, and was not either planned in advance or suggested by the producers right after dinner." The judges "reach" a "decision" that Daniel approves of. But what about Andrea? Shouldn't you guys call her?

Commercials. Hehe. I love how the title department, who are often completely mystified by apostrophes and ampersands, took great pains to avoid ending their poll question with a preposition.

Elimination. Dale seems certain that he's getting chopped. Howie continues his mysterious streak of not sucking by telling him and Brian that they should be commended for having the courage to volunteer for front-of-house, given that it's not what they do. Padma sadly strolls into the Kitchen like she's about to send one of them to the gas chamber. She summons Brian and Dale to the dining room. The two of them shake hands on their way out. Ptom says that opening a restaurant is very difficult. Dale's decor didn't match the food. Since this will turn out to have no effect on judging, I'll pass over what bullshit that is. Brian's service was lacking. After a proper dramatic pause, Padma tells them that nobody is getting eliminated this week. I'm sure a lot of people saw that as an unsatisfying cop-out, but I'm pleased. Not only because I like both Brian and Dale, but because the issues that they were just reprimanded for have nothing to do with being a good chef.

Both Brian and Dale are incredibly relieved. Dale, who was no doubt expecting to be eliminated, allows a couple of his pent-up tears to leak out. Padma says that both restaurants will open again tomorrow night, and this time, someone really will be cut. Daniel gives them copies of his book (of course) to hand out to all the chefs. Chefs still cook, right? They don't all just schmooze in dining rooms and travel the world to eat gross things for the public's entertainment and yell at aspiring famewhores on TV and write books and yell "BAM!" a lot, do they? Dale and Brian go back to the Kitchen to tell the others that everyone gets a do-over. Saram hopes that Team Depressive can fix its mistakes. The chefs hug. Tre's a bit deflated, but is glad to "fight another day". Both Brian and Dale promise to kick the challenge's ass next week.

To be continued...

Overall Grade: B

Guilty Pleasures

Top Chef - Season 3, Episode 8

Previously on Top Chef: The chefs were asked to prepare a frozen pasta meal. Howie dripped more sweat than the coal-shovelers on the Titanic. Saran was slow. Hung got in trouble for not pressing his point hard enough, because the whole world loves assholes, right? Howie sweated out the very last of his likability. Baton Rouge Joey refused to listen to Hung's sensible advice and had a tearful elimination that both surprised me with its heartfelt emotion and relieved me, since I don't have to sit around thinking up cities anymore. Nine chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. This was the most crowded Top Chef night ever. Me! LabRat! Danger! Timiffany! Beebers! Aussie Nat! Virginia! I could barely follow what was going on with the show, not only because we were chattering, but because some of us had just come straight from the casino, and I was busy bemoaning my bad luck with wine and snacks. Besides the usual platter of fine cheeses, Beebers was good enough to bring along some chocolate chip cookies, still hot from the oven. Sweet. Literally.

Miami. Some lady on the beach looks as red as a lobster. Come inside, ma'am! Over at Chef's Manor, the remaining chefs hash out the previous elimination, as always. Dale points out that Saran is the last remaining chef from New York, and also seems to be worried about not fitting in, because he still sees himself as the short, fat gay kid. I'm just going to go ahead and take that as a shout-out, no matter how impossible it is. Howie? Still not here to make friends. Aw, really? But he's doing so well at it! Everyone heads out for the day.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs come into the Kitchen to see Padma, a guest judge, and an embarrassed-looking young woman standing behind a table set up with ice cream and various mix-ins. The embarrassed-looking woman starts demonstrating the process of beating candy and cookies into the ice cream, because it's so complicated. Hung thinks he'll be able to work something tasty out of an ice cream challenge. Padma introduces the guest judge, whose name is Govind Armstrong. Govind owns a pair of restaurants in Los Angeles and Miami, and has, of course, authored a book. God forbid a chef just cook these days. Tre is happy that Govind is out there scoring some points for African-American chefs. Padma says that this round is all about "guilty pleasures", but Death Becomes Her is nowhere in sight. For the Quickfire Challenge, the chefs are to create an original flavor by mixing anything they'd like with the sweet-cream flavor of ice cream. Please, no bacon and avocado. There's some talk about "going with your heart" and having a "blank canvas", but really, there are only so many things that are going to taste good in ice cream, and most of them have been discovered already. The chefs have forty-five minutes to throw their ice cream together.

And...go! Yeesh, this is a good week for this challenge. We're going through one of those massive heatwaves that makes everyone tired and cranky. I've got a fever, baby, and the only prescription is ice cream! The chefs fly into hyperdrive mode. Saram starts sharpening a knife huge enough to hack her way through a dense jungle, but it looks like she's just going to maul a watermelon. Dale's immediate idea is to make a sort of peach cobbler. People chop nuts, toss chocolate sauce, and slice up fat wads of butter. Howie torches some berries, knowing that they go well with sweet-cream. Hung, who has apparently never seen this show before, goes for some texture by chopping up cauliflower. Eeeewww. Dale describes what Hung is doing, and doesn't even feel the need to comment on it beyond that, knowing we'll reach the obvious conclusion. Tre is equally bemused at Casey's use of Sriracha. Time runs out.

Padma and Govind go down the line. Tre has candied some hazelnuts and mixes it into the ice cream with raspberry ginger sauce, some cherries, and some shiso. It sounds okay, but looks awfully busy. I don't particularly want my ice cream to look like jambalaya. Govind calls it "interesting", which is never a good sign. Hung has a ton of flavors to mix in, including candied pistachio nuts, white chocolate, mint, tempura flakes, a gelee, tamarind butter sauce, and cauliflower foam. He really is married to this Everything But The Kitchen Sink style of cooking, isn't he? Govind asks for the reasoning behind one of the ingredients (probably the cauliflower), and Hung says it is to "refresh the palate". Uh huh. Speaking of people looking to score points for using weirdass flavors, Casey has used Poblano peppers, dried apricot, and potato chips in addition to the Sriracha. In an interview, Casey seems pleased that her ice cream made Govind shudder, not really considering that there are a lot of things that spark a shudder, and not all of them are good. Dale has stuck to his much simpler idea of cobbler topping, flambeed peaches, candied pecans, and Grand Marnier. Govind really likes the cobbler topping. Howie has included macerated mixed berries in balsamic vinegar, sea salt, and sugar. Whew, am I glad he said "macerated", and not what I heard at first. Govind enjoys the scorched berries. That's all the chefs we see, so I have no idea what Saran, CJ, Saram, and Brian came up with. I would have liked to have seen what Brian would go for without access to seafood.

Padma asks for the bad news first. Hung's ice cream had far too many competing flavors, so he has sunk to the bottom for the fifth challenge in a row. This episode is a turning point of sorts, when I went from watching this show as a cooking competition (into which they toss some "outrageous" personalities to spice it up) to watching it as pure show (in which outrageous personalities bounce off of each other, and the "area of expertise" that they demonstrate is simply background). If I continue to watch this show to see chefs excel because they're good at cooking, I'm going to be constantly disappointed, because Bravo doesn't care about that. They care about keeping Hung around because he's a smarmy twit, and watching him eat crow week after week is fun. In short, this show is fast becoming America's Next Top Model. The contestants are just there to look pretty, go through humiliating challenges, fight, and get eliminated. Their cooking skill is almost entirely incidental. Which is fine, and I know that the observation deserves a big "DUUUUUUUUUUUH", but it wasn't always like this. Merit used to count for something. Look at me, becoming all old man about reality shows. "In my day, people got eliminated for sucking! Now, get off my lawn!"

Anyway, it will shock you to learn that Hung's reasoning for doing poorly in the Quickfire is that he's just far too refined and elegant to appeal to the great unwashed masses with his ice cream flavors. Yep, you've heard it again. Hung is simply too talented to do well in these challenges. Joining him in the bottom is Casey, whose Sriracha didn't work with the ice cream at all. She fails to bluster and pontificate about how she's just misunderstood, so her days are probably numbered. Now, for the good news. Dale's flavors were all there "for a reason". Heh. Nice burn on Hung. Howie's was also good, and his textures worked out well with the sea salt. I knew sea salt works with everything! Padma asks for the winner, and Govind says it's a tough call. I can say with hindsight that this is probably a lie, as the Quickfire winner will be spending a lot of time with Govind for the rest of the episode. Since both ice creams were fine, Govind is free to choose the person he'd rather be stuck with, and that person is obviously Dale. Dale is thrilled to finally win a challenge, and Padma reminds us all that he has immunity as well. Hooray!

Elimination Challenge. Padma tells the chefs that they're off the hook for now, and instead of a challenge tonight, they'll have the chance to enjoy a bit of Miami nightlife. The chefs break into cheers and applause, which is why they're all willingly participating in a televised fishbowl, and not serving on various think tanks. I mean, seriously. I don't think I'm that jaded (I've been hoodwinked plenty by those crafty reality show producers), and I wasn't taken in by this for a single second. Anyone who's told "Forget about having a challenge -- you're free to party!" and believes it deserves what they get. They all seem to buy it, which causes so much collective eye-rolling at the viewing, we could power Chicago for a week. Back at Chef's Manor, the chefs primp and prepare for their night out. Dale and Saran talk about what they're going to wear, and interview about how they're bestest buds. Howie irons a shirt and talks about how his work is far more important these days than going out on the town. I'm sure Howie's legions of friends are disappointed to hear that. Brian says that it was nice to see everyone looking their finest and to be able to see someplace besides Chef's Manor, the Kitchen, or the Judges' Table. At 9:30, the chefs leave, and find a limo waiting for them. CJ tries to cram himself inside. Heh. Everyone's goofy and happy. The limo pulls up outside of a club, where Padma, Govind, and the knife block await. Wah wah waaaaaah. The chefs' bubbles almost audibly pop.

Commercials. White Castle seems to be actively calling their customers weirdo losers. Now there's some truth in advertising I wasn't prepared for.

Behind Govind and Padma are two large mobile kitchen trailers. All the chefs are angry and disappointed. Padma wishes them a good evening, Casey responds with a "Good evening, Padma" that has a tangible "you rancid bitch" hanging off the end. Saram interviews that Saran and Casey were upset because they'd have to take part in a challenge with their cleavage showing. Saram herself doesn't give a damn. Hehe. Can we talk about Saram's boobs every week now? Padma describes the nearby club, and tells the chefs that they'll be cooking in an overnight challenge. Another withering death glare from Casey. The chefs will be preparing late night bar food in the two mobile kitchens. They'll be split into two teams. Each team gets $300 and half an hour to shop for food. Then they'll have another 90 minutes to cook before the customers stumble up to eat, all "Leeemme tell ya waat I never llliked about yoooou." The teams should presumably have the same number of members, and there are an odd number of chefs right now. But wait! Because Dale won the Quickfire, he really and truly does have the night off. He gets to go and hang out with Govind at his restaurant. Aw, it's like a cute little date! CJ kiddingly talks about how much he envies and hates Dale right now.

Padma instructs the chefs to pull a knife from the knife block to determine the teams. The black team winds up being Hung, Saram, Tre, and Brian (who misuses "myself" yet again). The orange team winds up being Saran, Casey, and CJ. Instead of including Howie, they just figure having a literal anchor would be more efficient, so they wander over to the shore to drag one up. OK, not really, but that's probably what they should have done. CJ says that Saran isn't the fastest chef in the world, but competent and thoughtful. Howie isn't exactly what he'd call a team player, and is in fact the center of all the household's controversy. Brian feels sorry for CJ, noting that Casey seems to be enraged, Saran seems to be petrified, and Howie seems to be...Howie. Saran has good reason to be petrified, pointing out that every time Howie has been on a team, that team has wound up in the bottom. Will the third time be the charm? Spoiler: No.

Padma gives the word, and the chefs run towards their mobile kitchens, dropping their knives on the table as they pass. If I were on the orange team, I'd have kept mine with me. The chefs have fifteen minutes to explore the kitchens to see what kind of equipment they'll be working with. Brian immediately offers to stand out in front at the table and do a cold seafood bar. Naturally. The black team starts figuring out how to split the stations most efficiently. Dale and Govind are heading back for the limo, and Dale offers to get the door for Govind. Aw! Date night is on! The black team easily comes to a consensus. Meanwhile, in the orange kitchen, Howie tosses out a lot of ideas, and the others mull them over. They bicker over what's best to serve. Let's get what Howie says next verbatim: "There's very little about being liked that has to do with being a good leader. Like, I don't need you to like me for me to lead you. You just need to respect and understand what I'm saying, and know that if you follow me, we're going to get to the Promised Land." Just three little sentences, and yet, this needs some serious annotation.

"There's very little about being liked that has to do with being a good leader."

Patently untrue. OK, I'll grant him that people's bosses shouldn't be their friends. I get that you can't treat employees (students, children, etc.) as equals, because if they think you're their friend, they're going to treat you as such, which means you'll have none of the authority you're supposed to have over them. BUT. There's a vast difference between "treating people as equals/friends" and "being liked". If the only way you can find to get people to listen to you is to be a rampant asshole, you're not being a good leader. People don't want to follow someone they can't stand. You can be firm without being brutish. You can point out mistakes without constantly harping on someone. In fact, this mistaken idea of Howie's pretty clearly illustrates just why he's such a bad leader.

"Like, I don't need you to like me for me to lead you."

Still untrue, but the big thing is...lead? What leading? Were there leaders assigned to this challenge? No. Everyone has the same say as everyone else, and yet here comes Howie, trying to drive the menu of the entire team. If I were on this team, and couldn't get my ideas across diplomatically (which they obviously cannot), I'd flat out tell him that he doesn't get any input into what I'll be cooking, and I'll sink or swim on my own food, thankyouverymuch.

"You just need to respect and understand what I'm saying, and know that if you follow me, we're going to get to the Promised Land."

Is anyone out there confused about what "respect and understand what I'm saying" means to Howie? It doesn't mean that you should take the time to listen to his ideas, weigh their pros and cons, then bring up any reasoned objections you may have. Heaven forfend. No, it means that you should just meekly accept whatever he says, and do it. His way or the highway. That's leadership to him. Also, "Promised Land"? Is that what he's calling the losers' table these days, because King Leadership spends an awful lot of time there.

See, I told you this heatwave was making everyone cranky. Saran brings up an idea about French fries with different kinds of mayonnaise, but CJ disapproves of that. She tries to say something else (it sounded like something about falafel), but her voice is lost in the din. Casey explains that they have minimal time to plan, so they just kept tossing out things they'd want to eat if they were drinking. I still don't understand why there has to be this much collaboration. As long as two people aren't making food that's too similar, who cares what the rest of your team is making? It doesn't have to be a cohesive menu. The chefs descend upon Fresh Market, where the poor manager has to open the store after hours for these freaks to get supplies. The orange team actually has to stand there and discuss how to buy food. Not what to buy. Just who's going to go to which aisle and get what. There is such a thing as too much teamwork, folks.

We're let in on the teams' menus. On the orange team, Howie is making Cuban sandwiches, Saran is making sliders and vanilla milkshakes (ew -- would you want a milkshake after you've been out drinking?), Casey is making quesadillas and chocolate-covered bananas, and CJ is making ceviche tacos and a cafe con leche. Shock of shocks, the orange team's idea to divide the shopping list instead of just buying the ingredients for the food they're each responsible for is not working out. Saran is starting to shut down. She doesn't want to be doing this challenge, she doesn't want to be dressed up, and she doesn't want to be bickering over shopping minutiae. CJ reiterates that Howie has no concept of teamwork. The black team is doing fine, of course. Hung will be making teriyaki chicken wings and onion rings. Tre is making bacon-wrapped shrimp (now that's some fine post-drinkin' food) and cheese grits. Saram is making jerked soft tacos. Brian is doing a raw oyster bar that includes a ceviche. Saram says they'll be making hot chocolate as well. She could not sound more pleased, and after last week, I don't blame her. The black team comes in just under-budget, and exchanges high fives. More talk about Howie's lack of teamwork and poor CJ trying to reign in the various moods the rest of his teammates are in.

A little past midnight, the chefs get back to their mobile kitchens. Casey, who's still wearing a little dress and hoop earrings, completes the ensemble with a paper diner hat. Hahaha! CJ starts chopping shrimp for the ceviche. The black team hums along nicely. Over at date night, Govind and Dale are having a private four-course dinner and clinking wine glasses. Dale is having a great time. He'll probably have an even better time after the cameras are turned off. Bamp-chicka-bamp-bamp! At quarter to one, Ptom stops by the mobile kitchens to Ptimewaste. In addition to preparing the raw bar, Brian's going to be in charge of expediting the food and also hyping it. He's certainly enthusiastic enough. In the kitchen itself, Ptom is asking if Brian's the leader, and Tre kids that once the patrons see his guns, they're going to want to come back there. Hehe. And on a personal note...yowsa. Those are some nice arms.

The orange team tells Ptom that they're set up to serve about two hundred people. Saran finishes her prep work, and offers to help other people out. She takes on the milkshakes. She looks for some ice, but Howie tells her that milkshakes shouldn't be made with ice; they should just be milk and ice cream. Saran thinks such a shake would be too rich, as she voices-over that every time Howie speaks, it comes out as an attack. I don't know, that was the most civil exchange I've seen Howie conduct in quite a while. Brian bounces excitedly at the driver's seat of the mobile kitchen and whoops it up. It's nice to see not everyone is hating life right now. CJ says the other team is being loud and annoying, and that he tuned them out the best he could to concentrate on his own tense, depressing team. He leaves out the "tense" and "depressing" bits, but we all know he's thinking it. All the final prep work gets done. The black team sets up a system to get food out quickly. Saran writes the menu on a board out front. CJ doesn't think the orange team is entirely ready to deal with a flood of "drunk morons". The black team is more than ready. Time runs out.

Commercials. Someone needs to teach the Bravo announcer how to pronounce the word "forward".

At quarter to two, the "drunk morons" are allowed to attack the mobile kitchens. Tre recaps the challenge for any of you who may be drunk, and have thus forgotten during the past two minutes. Two women who look like grown up versions of the Patil twins from Harry Potter chow down. Brian easily attracts people with his joyful cries. Casey is using a softer approach, asking people one-on-one if they'd like to try a burger. She interviews that the patrons really didn't know what was going on, and were just lining up for free food. Hey, sounds good to me. Brian has no trouble serving, even leading a crowd chant of "Grits! Grits! Grits! Grits!" as Tre plates them up. CJ can't match Brian's medicine-show level of salesmanship, and Saran is having problems getting the food out quickly enough. She freely admits to being pissy through this challenge. Would you like to hear more about how Howie is a bulldog and how Saran is slow? CJ would be happy to oblige.

The judges come by to taste everything. When Ptom approaches the orange kitchen, CJ charms him the best he can, but can't cover up the fact that there is no food ready. Govind is over at the black kitchen, where Brian and Saram describe all their dishes. Tre says that Govind really liked the grits. In fact, all the food seems to be met with approval. Ted Allen is there, and confirms that everyone on the black team is getting along like a house on fire. Ptom finally gets some food over at the orange kitchen. The slider is a simple little hamburger, served with fried plantain chips. The plantain chips are a good idea, but the burger is pretty unimpressive. The ceviche taco they show looks burnt. Casey's four-cheese quesadilla looks pretty good, and Padma really likes it. Then she takes a bite of Howie's Cuban sandwich, and her smile fades quickly.

Speaking of quickly, the black team is moving a lot more food. Various drunk patrons talk about how good Brian's seafood was. One of the Patil twins liked Hung's onion rings. Hippie Guy liked Saran's slider. A Latino gentleman calls Howie's Cuban sandwich "messed up". Padma tells everyone that she'll see them at Judges' Table, and the judges take off. Dale stops by to ask CJ how everything went. A bleeped curse word is the response. Dale fails to be bowled over in surprise, and gives CJ a commiserating hug. Saram has no idea who's going home, but Saran knows which way the wind is blowing as far as which team is going to lose.

Commercials. "You have better things to do than search for a lid." Like chopping sixty pounds of cheese, apparently.

Judges' Table. Ptom points out that the black team had a bigger crowd of people around them (thanks to Brian), and seemed to be able to serve the food a lot more efficiently. Govind and Ted agree that Tre's shrimp and grits were among their favorites of the night. Ptom liked Brian's ceviche, but Ted points out that making a flavorful ceviche is almost effortless, using the ingredients that Brian did. Padma asks about Hung's onion rings, which Ptom liked, but he hated Hung's teriyaki chicken. Govind liked the chicken, saying he got a good piece.

Danger: "Oh, we know you got a good piece. It just wasn't chicken."

Ted liked the orange team's slider, but Govind says his was a little dry and underseasoned. Ptom, always a fan of attitude over flavor, says that Saran seemed to be a little out of it the entire time. He also detested her milkshake. Casey's quesadilla gets good reviews. Howie's Cuban sandwich was so-so, but should have been better and more authentic, given that it was being served in Miami. That makes some sense. Don't even try to serve unimpressive fried ravioli to St. Louisans. Padma comes back to the Kitchen and summons the black team to the table. They're told they are the winning team, and are all smiles. Their food was well-seasoned and very accessible. Padma asks them how it felt to have the rug pulled out from under them, and Brian diplomatically answers that they took full advantage to throw a "party in the parking lot". He also clearly describes the division of the kitchen workstations and how they devised a menu off of that. Govind compliments him for his energy level, saying that this is one of the few times you want to act as excited as your customers. Hehe. Ted's still in love with Tre's bacon. That sounded dirtier than I meant it. Govind gets to pick a winner, and he selects Tre. Eh. I like him, but thought Brian deserved this one. Tre wins a copy of Govind's book (zzzz), and a free VIP pass to various clubs around the world (better). He's calmly pleased. Padma dismisses the chefs, and asks them to send out the orange team.

Tre's win is applauded in the Kitchen, and Brian duhs that the judges want to see the rest of them. Dale's the only one who gets to escape the judges this week. Odd Asian music. Gong. The orange team enters the dining room. Padma tells them they're the losing team, and asks them how they felt about the challenge. Casey is only too glad to blast it as horrible, because she doesn't dress this way to work, and doesn't even like to be seen looking all dressed up by her coworkers. Saran agrees, calling the challenge "demoralizing", and that she felt out of her element running around in heels and a low-cut shirt. Casey is asked what she did, and she tells them she made the dessert and quesadillas, and that she expedited the food. We all know she's fine this week, so we move on to Howie's Cuban sandwich. The judges rather mildly take him to task for it being less than authentic. Saran's hamburgers weren't seasoned enough.

Ptom brings up the bad "team dynamic", telling Saran that being "demoralized" must have rubbed off on the others. I see. So her not wanting to lean over a hot grill with the low-cut shirt that you essentially forced her to wear is unprofessional. Gotcha. Howie may have waited until Saram brought him up before attacking her last week, but this week, he doesn't waste any time. Without any questioning or provocation, he tells the judges that Saran wasn't pulling her weight on the team; that she was making the burgers far too slowly. Casey says that this is news to her. Nobody ever brought up the fact that the burgers were coming out too slowly, and they could have fixed it if someone (read: Howie) had. CJ is asked why he didn't take more of a leadership role, and he says that by the time he realized it was an issue, him going back to badger Saran wouldn't have helped anything.

Saran, like Casey, says that this is the first she's heard of it, and that she and Howie's personalities didn't mesh well. She brings up the fact that her ideas were squashed, but didn't want to spend valuable time arguing about it. Ptom makes my point from earlier. Why not just say "Know what? Here's what I'm cooking. Deal with it." Saran doesn't have a response to that, and begins to tear up, which won't help her case at all. Howie starts his usual irrelevant attacks ("You're the baby of the team." -- Which has what to do with slow hamburgers? Exactly.) Saran glances at CJ and Casey with a "Can you believe this shit?" look on her face. CJ sticks up for Saran, saying that Howie's "baby" insult was a little extreme. Howie blahs some more, and Saran now faces the judges with "See? See what I have to contend with?" on her face. If only she had said something like that out loud. Something like "He's welcome to talk about me not pulling my weight all night long, but you know what? He worked with Casey and [Milwaukee] Joey, and they lost. He worked with Saram, and they lost. If my obvious incompetence in team settings was putting me in danger, I'd be pointing fingers too." Unfortunately, she just stands there sniveling. Padma dismisses the chefs.

Back in the Kitchen, she tearfully tells the other chefs "Apparently, I'm the baby of the house." "If that's how I came across, that's not what I was saying," Howie responds. Um, no that's not how you "came across". THOSE WERE YOUR EXACT WORDS, YOU STUPID FUCKING COCKBITE. CJ and Saran tell him it was an asshole thing to say, which we all know will never penetrate his shell of assholishness, so *sigh*. CJ makes the interesting point that Howie tries to play this "integrity role", and then starts up with insults and recrimination. Howie denies playing any role, saying he's just being himself. Unfortunately, I think that's true. Back in the dining room, the judges deliberate. They think Howie didn't communicate to Saran that her speed was lacking. Casey played it safe. CJ wasn't able to pull the team together. Saran's milkshake sucked. Ted drops about fifty points in my estimation when he derides Saran for being demoralized over her outfit. Yes, how dare she not enjoy being presented as a hottie instead of as a professional. [I've since read Ted has "corrected his position" -- God forbid it be called an apology -- on his Bravo blog. Tough. He said it, so he gets to take the heat for it. -- Limecrete] Padma seems to be more understanding, but thinks that Saran should have been able to bounce back. Howie's sandwich was a big, doughy mess. Back in the Kitchen, Howie says he's not trying to hurt anybody's feelings, but has to be an asshole to survive. Yes, because Harold was such a douchebag. The judges reach a decision.

Commercials. You're not going to topple Google. It's become a verb, for God's sake.

Elimination. Ptom thinks the challenge-from-nowhere shouldn't have thrown them that much. I heartily agree, but probably not for the same reasons. Casey was oblivious to her teammates. CJ didn't do a satisfactory job as front man. Saran's heart wasn't in this challenge from the beginning. Howie has had conflict on every team challenge so far. Whew, I was beginning to fear that they couldn't see that. His failure to compromise sabotaged his team, and ultimately himself. Ptom says that the loss lies primarily in those latter two, and gives it over to Padma for the final decision. Saran, please pack your knives and go. I'm shocked! Or I would have been if we hadn't gotten that "Saran's the last person from New York!" bit or that "Saran's my best friend in the house!" bit or the recent systematic elimination of anyone who refuses to be a blatant scumwad.

She comes back to hug the others good-bye. She interviews that she's angry she didn't really get to give the competition her all, but that some of the other competitors have been cooking for a decade longer than she has. She says she used to think of herself as competitive, but seeing how other people act, has realized that this really isn't her game. Micah was right! Saran giggles that she's just too nice to succeed in this kind of competition. That sort of statement would normally rub me the wrong way, but in this case, she's entirely correct. She closes by saying that there's a fine line between being competitive and being an asshole. I'd say there's a big, sweaty line between them.

Overall Grade: C-

Freezer Burn

Top Chef - Season 3, Episode 7

Previously on Top Chef: I assume we're all ignoring last week, right? The show certainly does, which I have absolutely no problem with. OK, it never existed. Whee! So, "last week", the time crunch threw some chefs for a loop, and Casey almost got bisected by Hung, the Omnispaz. Speaking of Hung, he was sure that his arrrrrrrrroz con pollo would blow the stars of a telenovela away, but it turns out it just blew. Howie's braised pork was much more popular, and the guest judge announced that he was the "weiner". He handed over his prize to Fresno Joey, Hung couldn't perceive a world in which everyone doesn't fall all over themselves to compliment his food, and Lia joined Camille in the Land of People Too Normal To Succeed On Reality Television. Ten chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. Our waistlines have been expanding this summer, so Timiffany tried to head them off at the pass by preparing fat-free potato skins. Fat-free cheese, fat-free sour cream, etc. Then I went and ruined everything by bringing the ingredients for S'mores. Mwahahahaha! In addition to Timiffany, LabRat, and I, we were also joined by Aussie Nat and her "mum" Virginia, who's over from Down Under for a while.

Virginia: "So this is a real episode, then?"
Limecrete: "Yes. Someone's definitely going home tonight."
Virginia: *satisfied nod*

Miami. Wait, what's this? There appears to be some sort of water falling from the sky! My wish fulfilled! As the chefs wake, they hash out Lia's elimination. Brian thought she was going to be one of the last people standing. Since we're contractually obligated to hear EVERY SINGLE WEEK about how once someone gets eliminated, the remaining chefs get more competitive, CJ steps in and gets that out of the way. He's bummed about Lia's elimination, saying he felt closest to her. Dale stammers out something about how everyone left is versatile, so they should be able to handle whatever challenge is thrown at them. Eh, I doubt it. It was nice of him to say, though. All this niceness drives Macon Joey out onto the patio. He interviews that you have to do whatever's necessary to stay, so if that means throwing someone "over the bus" (A [sic] AND a tally mark! Rare double whammy!), or "over the balcony", then that is going to start happening. Portentous rain.

The day forces itself to become more sun-dappled for the Quickfire. Can't have rain when we're supposed to be in good moods. The chefs walk into the Kitchen, and are met by Padma and this week's guest judge, Rocco DiSpirito. I know his name, of course, but never had any interest in his show, so this is my first real exposure to him. Brian refers to him as a "chef celebrity", which makes me suspect that he's more interested in image than in food, which I'm not a fan of. We'll see how it goes. He tells the chefs that they have to stay curious about food, because it is ever-changing. The more the chefs learn about food and cooking techniques, the better they'll be able to respond to various challenges. So for today's Quickfire, the chefs won't actually have to cook anything at all. Instead, they'll be taking part in a "Culinary Bee". Answer correctly, and you're still in. Answer incorrectly, and you're out. Last chef standing gets immunity. This is a very cool idea. Howie's excited for this challenge, saying that he's a "thinker" and an "academic". I must say these are two labels I would not hasten to attach to Howie after watching him in the previous ten challenges. CJ predicts Hung will do well, as does Hung's smug face. CJ does warn us that the one thing that can hold Hung back is the "Assholarian Factor". Well, that settles it. I have to go make a giant poster with "I [HEART] CJ" on it. That simply cannot be topped.

Let's get started, kids. Everyone gets five seconds to answer each question, and every question will be to identify something based either on sight or taste. We begin by giving Howie an easy one: tasting tomato paste. He's correct, and Padma dings the bell on the counter. Not to be too much of a stickler, but the bell is for wrong answers, Padma! Hey, you watch Spellbound forty times, and you'll be pedantic about it, too. San Francisco Joey goes up and incorrectly identifies casava root (yuca) as lotus root. He pawns off his answer on Padma's hotness and Rocco's assholishness, even though both of them are just kind of standing around, not being particularly hot or assholish. Saram chokes something down and sputters that it's peanut butter. No, sesame! No, tahini! It is tahini, but Padma says that they have to take her first answer, so she's out. OK, I understand the sesame thing, but how could tahini be taken for peanut butter? It'd be like "Um, I think that's strawberry jelly. No, wait! It's pickle juice!"

Brian correctly identifies quail eggs. Saran takes a swig of what she calls cherry vinegar, but what is actually raspberry vinegar. She chokes her eliminated way back to the table. Dale incorrectly identifies taro as water chestnuts. Go have some dim sum, Dale. You'll get acquainted with taro in a hurry. It's really freaking good. CJ misidentifies daikon radish sprouts as peppercress. I have no clue what either of those things are. CJ makes a "Eh, what are ya gonna do?" face, and heads back to the table. Hung correctly identifies oatmeal. Tre misidentifies mirin as "simple syrup" (according to the subtitles, anyway -- I couldn't understand him). Casey gags on hers, and almost runs out of time before spitting out "fish paste". In more ways than one. She's correct. Let's get it on for Round 2. Howie correctly identifies tapioca pearls. Brian has no trouble with kidney beans, and once again sends a little dagger through my heart by saying it was down to "Howie, Casey, Hung, and myself [sic]". Does Brian have a birthday coming up? He mirrors CJ's earlier interview, saying he's a little worried about Hung, since he's the young chef, and has a "nice little ego" going on. Hehe.

Hung struts up to the table. Padma puts the ingredient down on the table, and tells him that he's to taste it. Hung examines it, and identifies it as annato seed. Padma asks if he doesn't want to taste it. He pops a little in his mouth, a look of "I suppose I'll humor you, though it's completely unnecessary" on his face. "Celery seed." Whoopsie! Is someone not as perfect as he thinks? Hahaha! That was completely awesome. This is literally the third challenge in a row that Hung has thought he had in the bag before failing miserably. How many more is it going to take before that gargantuan ego deflates a bit? By this point, he's got so much egg on his face, he's making breakfast. CJ interviews that Hung came off as a total douche, and I doodle "Mr. Limecrete Jacobson" across my notebook.

Limecrete: "I can tell I'm going to have to look up how to spell comeuppance for the entry about this episode."

Casey gets an easy one, and obviously has no problems identifying bowtie pasta. Howie sniffs in an interview about how easy that was. Round 3. Howie starts off by correctly identifying a cheese slicer, which is about forty times easier than anything shown so far, including the bowtie pasta. Brian gets lime leaves correct. Casey gets Chinese Five-Spice correct. Round 4. Howie misidentifies hearts of palm as bamboo shoots. Brian gets miso correct. Casey gets chayote correct. Round 5. Brian misidentifies eggplant as heirloom tomato. It sure doesn't look like eggplant to me. Apparently, it's a Japanese variety. So, if Casey can get the next one right, she wins. She tastes her ingredient and starts out with "What is..." Hah! Someone watches Jeopardy. She almost runs out of time again, but gets her answer right with roasted red bell peppers. Casey scores the win and immunity for the second time. Hooray! Casey has been weirdly growing on me these past couple of episodes. I'm not sure why.

Elimination Challenge. Padma and Rocco talk about how big the frozen dinner market is in the United States. Rocco product-places a frozen Mediterranean pasta dinner as an awkward segue into the challenge. The chefs will draw knives to be randomly paired for teams. And...draw! Casey/Dale. Brian/Saran. CJ/Tre. Howie/Saram. And you know who that leaves. Yes, a burst of sweet karma explodes in the Kitchen, as Hung and Waco Joey are thrown together. CJ is thrilled that he pulled Tre, knowing that any team involving Howie, Hung, or Cincinnati Joey is unlikely to be a bucket of sunshine and rainbows. Saram is worried, interviewing that Howie tends to be bulldogish and hard-headed. Yes, those two labels seem far more apt than "thinker" and "academic". The teams must now come up with their own Italian-style Mediterranean frozen pasta meal. They must make fifteen individual portions, and the food must be able to be reheated in ten minutes. Everyone gets two hours of prep time tonight, and an hour to pack up their meals tomorrow. Brian and Saran make confused faces, like, "It takes an hour to pack?". When the meals are ready, the chefs will head for Fresh Market to serve them to shoppers. And hey, each member of the winning team gets two tickets to Italy. It's an actual prize for once! I guess product placement isn't all bad. The chefs are pumped. Xenia Joey would love to send his mother and sister to Italy. Padma dismisses the chefs.

Everyone pops open their bags of frozen pasta. CJ and Tre quickly pick up on the fact that the ingredients are all frozen separately, as does Hung. He's happy that Canton Joey is his partner, because he has an Italian background, while Hung himself "understands the science" behind the frozen meals. Heh, I like how the "science" is "put stuff in the freezer one by one". So technical! Casey and Dale easily agree upon making meatballs for their dish, while Saran frets that she and Brian have very different styles of cooking. Saran likes to keep things simple, while Brian... Yeah, he likes to go a little nuts. Saram and Howie are at odds from the word "go". Howie interviews that she's kind of a whiner, and somehow avoids being struck by lightning. It seems his main problem with her is that he cooks more simple food than she does, so he gets the feeling that she looks down on him. I have no idea if that's true or not.

Commercials. Tim Gunn is finally coming back to my television screen. Yay!

Unnecessary recap of the challenge, courtesy of Dale this week. He may be taking over the Greek Chorus position from Casey. The chefs head off to the market for half an hour of shopping with a hundred-dollar budget. Lots of people buy chicken. Howie goes for the shrimp instead, saying that if you offer someone a piece of chicken and a piece of shrimp, they'll always go for the shrimp. I guess I can get behind that argument. Chicken is good, but you can get it anywhere. Not that shrimp is so lah-dee-dah, but it's certainly not an everyday kind of food. Dale and Casey go ahead with their meatball idea. CJ and Tre continue to get along swimmingly, buying some truffles for their dish. Howie needles Saram about pretty much everything in their basket. Saram interviews that she doesn't like confrontation, so she essentially shrugs and lets him have his way. Howie interviews that he doesn't mind going home for his own screwup, but he'll be damned if he's sent home for someone else's inability to work in a team. I guess "inability to work in a team" translates to "won't meekly accept everything I say". Man, I liked Howie in those early episodes, but it's quickly slipping away. Lots of pasta is bought. Everyone checks out.

Back at the Kitchen, everyone springs into their two hours of prep time. Howie and Saram manage to be civil to each other for four seconds. Hung tenderizes some chicken with the palm of his hand. CJ and Tre continue their happy partnership, almost having a kind of telepathy about who's going to take care of what. Casey describes the difficulty of making tasty food that's been frozen and thawed. She knows the meatballs she and Dale are making will freeze well, and they decide to make an equally freezable pesto to go along with it. Hung brags for the second time that he "understands the science" behind making frozen pasta. Hey, I have two science degrees, and they never once tried to teach me the intricacies of frozen pasta. I guess it was just too complicated for my feeble brain to comprehend. Annapolis Joey sets to work on his sauce, and pretty much tunes Hung out. Brian gossips to Tre about how slow Saran works. We get a first-hand look as Saran leisurely cores and slices some red peppers. Even the music is all "Doo-do-doo! We've got all the time in the world!". Brian sighs that he could have gotten everything done faster on his own.

Virginia: "She just can't cut the mustard."

The facade of civility between Howie and Saram begins to crumble, as they bicker about what to do with a pile of raw fennel. As always, Howie drips sweat into his food. It's as nasty as ever. Saram interviews that Howie is really hard to read. No, he's not. He wants to do everything his own way, and woe to those who question him. There. Easy. Howie actually comes close to saying that because Saram hasn't won any challenges, she doesn't have the right to an opinion. No, really. Yup, I'm thinking the bloom is off this rose. Fuck him. Ptom stops by to Ptimewaste. Saram seems to bullshit her way through just fine. Ptom's obviously not crazy about the fact that Casey and Dale are using tinned artichokes instead of fresh ones. Dale says they're just using them as a needed time-saver, which has certainly served him well in the past. Saran and Brian are fine. Hung makes sure that he relays to Ptom how utterly he understands the complicated process of freezing ingredients separately. CJ and Tre may as well have a beam of light shine on them from the heavens and a chorus of angels singing a Hallelujah every time they're on-screen.

As much shit as I'm giving Hung about constantly referencing the fact that he knows he's supposed to freeze ingredients separately, I do have to admit to some sympathy for him here, because no matter how many times he explains this concept to El Paso Joey, he's just not getting through. Georgetown Joey just piles all of the ingredients together, either not understanding what Hung is talking about, or more likely, is completely ignoring him. Hung gives up and lets him package everything incorrectly, which is surprising. Time winds down. Saran starts packing food up. Casey tastes one of the meatballs and practically has an orgasm. Guess they're good. CJ, Tre, and the chorus of angels that is following them around all enjoy how the chicken turned out. Tre reaffirms the old stereotype of black folks knowing their way around chicken. He also notices that despite the fact that everyone saw that ingredients were supposed to be frozen separately, most teams are throwing all of them together. He and CJ are much quicker to catch the snap, and they remember to pop everything into the freezer separately. I never want to type the word "separately" again. Howie gripes some more about Saram. I've stopped listening. Casey and Dale wrap up early and help Brian and Saran package their food. Time runs out.

Chef's Manor. Dale has slipped into his black tank top that makes him look like he's trying out for A Chorus Line. Hung complains to CJ and Tre about not being able to make his point to Wheeling Joey about how to freeze the ingredients. CJ, who's just as confused as I am, asks Hung point blank why he didn't just insist on doing it the right way. Seriously. It's not as if Hung's ever afraid to come off as condescending or supercilious. Why pick now to spare someone's feelings? I mean I know that there are perfectly polite ways to press a point, but I'm assuming Hung's no good at those. He never gives CJ an answer, so I guess he was just too much of a wuss to make Altoona Joey do things properly.

Speaking of whom, Tulsa Joey thinks Rocco will expect more out of him in this challenge, because of his Italian background. Which, like assuming that a guest judge will favor Howie because they're both from Florida, is really doubtful. Pueblo Joey knows everyone is on edge. Howie? Still whining about Saram. Dale and Saran completely blow him off. Saram lounges in the hot tub with a cigarette. I fail to register anything she says or who's with her, because she's topless, and I'm filled with anticipation over whether or not her boobs are going to pop up above the surface of the water. Unfortunately, they never do. Robbed! Howie. Whining. I'll let you know if his record stops skipping.

Commercials. Left-side parallel parking gives me the shakes.

Morning. Once in the Kitchen, everyone has an hour to separate their food into the fifteen portions and package it. But as you know, everyone except CJ and Tre had a massive brain fart and froze everything together, so they're done in about five minutes. CJ and Tre leisurely break up their individually-frozen ingredients and put them into bags. Hung knows he's in trouble. I don't know if the other teams have figured it out or not. Time runs out, and the chefs head for Fresh Market. Each team gets one burner and two saute pans. They still have ten minutes to reheat their food, but we're let in on a new twist, in that the fifteen portions will be "sold" to customers, who are presumably picking their favorite of the bunch. Teams decide who's going to cook and who's going to schmooze and pack for the customers. Saram is being overtly (even excessively) friendly to Howie, but he just grunts monosyllabic responses. The judges come in, and Padma starts the ten-minute countdown.

Cooking begins. CJ and Tre are completely at ease. CJ explains that they really only need six minutes to cook. The laws of physics have failed to rearrange themselves overnight, so Hung discovers that each of their portions has frozen into a solid block. Once everything's heated, the teams taste their food to make sure it's OK. Casey and Dale are still having no trouble getting along, and as Dale puts it, they are ready to "sell these bitches". Heh. Hung and Sacramento Joey find that the pasta has absorbed the moisture from the sauce overnight, so now the pasta becomes mushy as it heats. Science! The chefs start putting bits of their food into plastic cups for customers to try. People eat, and generally seem to enjoy most of the food. A baby sits in its stroller, looking frustrated. Rocco stops by to try Casey and Dale's food. The meatballs are made of turkey and pork, and they've made a pesto sauce, and put everything on orecchiette pasta with some vegetables. It looks good. He asks them if they tasted it, and how they think they did. They rate themselves at about a nine. A customer who enjoyed them comes back to "buy" a portion.

Gail stops by Brian and Saran's table. They've made chicken rigatoni with Greek olives, peppers, sundried tomatoes, and rosemary. I never got into sundried tomatoes like the rest of the country did, but it looks good overall. Saran explains that there's a flavor packet that goes with it that includes Parmesan, pine nuts, and parsley. That's a good idea. It heats just as quickly as CJ and Tre's, and Gail tells them it's very tasty. Brian thinks they've got a good shot at winning. Padma goes to the Howie/Saram table. They've made Mediterranean shrimp pasta (looks like tri-colored fusilli) with fennel and sundried tomato vinaigrette. That's it? That's what all this team's agita has been about? Padma notices everything clumping together in the pan, which Howie plays off as them wanting the pasta to absorb the sauce's liquid so it would steam in the pan.

Ptom goes to the Hung/Independence Joey table. They've made tri-colored fusilli with chicken, and a garlic and sundried tomato sauce. Jeez, what's up with the sundried tomatoes? Ptom realizes that everything was frozen together, and asks Hung what's up, because they discussed the individual-freeze method the previous day. Hung tries to come up with a way to say "It's all his fault" without actually saying those words. St. Paul Joey picks up on it, though, and interviews that Hung was trying to lay the blame on him, saying that if Hung really wanted to get a point across, he should have been more aggressive about it. This is such a weird situation. Hung is essentially right in that the fault for freezing everything together lies entirely on Dover Joey's shoulders, and the idea that he should have somehow beaten Texarkana Joey into submission is bullshit. And yet... New Orleans Joey kind of has a point. He's essentially admitting that he's dense, and needs things spelled out for him, and there's no question that Hung should have been more assertive. Still, Hung pretty much did spell things out, and I have limited patience with the "you should have stopped me from [blank]" argument. Down that road lies shit like "My son was drunk, high, on the phone, speeding, and not wearing a seatbelt when he got into that fatal car crash, but it's everyone else's fault!"

Anyway, Rocco heads for Tre and CJ's table. They're serving chicken with black truffle and Parmesan linguini. It also has kale and a tomato confit. Someone finally asks what I've been wondering about for forever, as Rocco inquires into how they could afford black truffle on such a meager budget. CJ says they just used truffle butter, which goes a long way. I guess they soak regular mushrooms in it or something? Well, there's one mystery cleared up. They proudly show off their individually-frozen ingredients, and Rocco seems impressed. CJ bemoans the fact that he hasn't won a challenge yet, and notes that this is definitely the one to win. What, he'd rather get a free trip abroad than go out drinking with Anthony Bourdain? Who could have predicted that?

Happy people eating montage. A rather scholarly looking gentleman announces to Brian and Saran that they had his favorite. CJ and Tre take a while to "sell" their first box, which I guess is the producers' way of attempting to inject a little suspense into an episode that could not have a more obvious outcome. A pretty lady with an accent cheerfully opts for Dale and Casey's food. Howie and Saram still have an awful lot of empty boxes. They agree that they should have frozen the stock separately. Ya think? One lady seems to like the fact that Hung and Montgomery Joey's pasta is really soft. A lady who looks like she's used Homer Simpson's makeup gun gets a box from CJ and Tre. Dale and Casey easily pass out all of their food. Howie and Saram have given out three. Howie knows which teams are in trouble. My newt knows which teams are in trouble.

Commercials. Oh, The Nanny Diaries. Here's one of those rare times that I hope the movie completely rewrites the book.

Judges' Table. The chefs wait in the Kitchen. Saram thinks their food tasted fine, but knows that she's going to be on the judges' shitlist. She again duhs that they should have frozen things separately. Well, there's nothing you can do about it now, so let it go. Howie stews silently. For now. Out in the dining room, Padma is saying that she enjoyed this challenge. Rocco says that professional chefs are coming to terms with the fact that "home replacement" is an important food category. Padma mixes up her scripts, saying that this challenge was all about timing. Um...no, it wasn't. Ptom bemusedly wonders why most everyone (and specifically Hung) seemed to understand that ingredients should have been frozen separately, and then didn't do it. Rocco easily pegs the two teams that had the most problems. Ptom says that Hung and Juneau Joey's food was overcooked. Gail agrees, adding that even if it hadn't been, the food itself was pretty bland and unmemorable. Howie and Saram's was flavorless, and they chose the wrong pasta. Gail mentions something about their saffron as well. Stop picking on saffron! Saffron rules the spice rack!

Now, to the good news. Casey and Dale's meatballs were very tasty. Ptom didn't care for the use of tinned artichokes, though he at least describes his issue in terms of flavor (too much citric acid) rather than laziness or some other such crap. Rocco had a problem with them too, because the meatball he got was still a little frozen inside. Ew, I hate when that happens. CJ and Tre's flavors were extremely successful. Ptom thinks their flavors weren't very Mediterranean. Rocco disagrees, and asks what wasn't Mediterranean about it. Ptom and Padma bring up the truffle, but Rocco isn't buying. Brian and Saran's was "good". The top two teams are easily decided upon, and Padma comes back to the Kitchen to summon Casey/Dale and Tre/CJ to the table. Nobody claps for them, as they have in previous episodes. Hmm. Once in the dining room, they're given the good news and asked if they thought the challenge was difficult. CJ didn't think it was particularly hard, and Tre very intelligently points out that they noted that they had an hour to pack their food, which was a clear hint about freezing things separately. The truffle butter is brought up, and Tre says he wanted flavors that were both Italian and Mediterranean.

LabRat: "Italy IS in the Mediterranean."

CJ adds that they didn't know for sure that their food would cook so quickly, but that they assumed it would. Good thing that turned out to be true. On to Casey and Dale. Dale says that every aspect of their food was worked out as a team. Casey had the initial idea for the meatball, and Dale had been thinking along the same lines. Rocco brings up his issue with his meatball being undercooked, and Ptom mentions his problem with the tinned artichoke. Dale and Casey just nod. They're asked why they chose to do a pesto sauce, and Dale describes how pesto freezes extremely well and keeps forever. Rocco tells them it was one of the most balanced and beautiful pestos he's ever seen, and he liked their choice of pasta as well.

All four of the chefs are asked what going to Italy would mean to them. Tre wants to "further his education", since he plans to open an Italian restaurant someday. That's a wise answer, regardless of whether or not it's true. CJ "has a relationship" with Italy and uses the non-word "synergize". I angrily slash through the "Mr. Limecrete Jacobson" on my notebook. Casey thinks Italy is "amazing" and it would be "amazing" to go there, especially on someone else's dime. True as that is, it's not what judges want to hear. Dale thinks just being in Italy would help him "feel the heartbeat" of its cuisine. Rocco gets to announce the winner. They have the nerve to insert a dramatic pause, as if there weren't neon arrows pointing to CJ and Tre. Indeed, they are the winners, and are naturally thrilled. All four chefs hug. Tre finally allows himself to smile. Heh. Padma asks them to send the loser teams out to the table. Who could it possibly be?

Commercials. I'm all for having better drivers, but pardon my skepticism that a "Parent-Teen Driving Contract" will do much good.

The top teams come back to the Kitchen, where CJ does a merry jig. Haha! The other chefs applaud. Saram asks for the bad news. CJ tells them the judges want to see Honolulu Joey/Hung and Howie/Saram. I'm floored. CJ wishes them luck. Our old friends Odd Asian Music and the gong announce the losers' entrance. Padma asks Hung and Ottumwa Joey what went wrong. Hung describes the mushy pasta, and readily admits that it turned out as such because they froze everything together. Gail asks why that happened, and Hung says that he wanted to freeze things separately, but Provo Joey went ahead with mixing the ingredients. He's actually not nasty about it at all, which I appreciated. Springfield Joey says that he didn't hear Hung's instructions, and Ptom gleefully sows discord, as he is wont to do. He tells Olympia Joey that Hung's putting all the blame on him, which Hung denies. He is and he isn't. He thinks Santa Fe Joey packaged the food incorrectly, but I think he's willing to buy Ann Arbor Joey's excuse that he just didn't hear or understand him. Padma asks why Hung didn't insist on doing things the correct way. Hung says there's only so many times he can bring something up, and Trenton Joey falls back on that weak "he should have made me" excuse. There's some quick bickering about pasta choice before the judges turn to Howie and Saram.

Howie describes choosing the pasta they did because it had a lot of ridges to pick up sauce. He thinks they went wrong in the same way the other teams did; by not freezing their ingredients separately, everything would up in big blocks of ice. Saram essentially agrees. They're asked why they didn't follow the "model", so to speak, and Howie says that it wasn't clear what system they were supposed to follow. Rocco calls bullshit on that. Ptom takes Saram to task for "taking a backseat". Oh, fun. Ptom's about to go into another one of his Dogma of Cooking lectures. Why even have any food at all?

Saram shrilly snaps that she disagrees, and rather hysterically outlines things she told Howie to include, like tomato paste. Howie, of course, is unable to differentiate between Saram saying she contributed work (refuting the judges) and Saram saying she contributed work (attacking Howie). Everything is viewed through the lens of his ego. I'll bet people around him hear "What do you mean by that!?!?!" a lot. So he goes on the attack, pissing and moaning about how Saram was his last choice to be on a team with, and wah wah wah poor me. Saram does the smart thing and says that she's not going to get into a yelling match, and points out to the judges that if there's a problem with the team dynamic, they can pretty obviously see where it's originating from, as Howie can be "bulldogish". Ptom tries to say something about how being stubborn can be worth it, but Saram points out that working with him is like running up against a brick wall.

Tiffany: "A really sweaty brick wall."

Padma dismisses the chefs. Deliberations. Ptom thinks both teams had problems with communication, and asks which of the teams had the worse food. Rocco thinks both of them were "depressingly bad". Gail reiterates that Hung and Enid Joey's food was really forgettable. They show a shot of their food, and that chunky sauce clinging to the pasta really does look rather gross. Ptom thinks they had some good flavors, and Padma brings up the fact that they weren't able to "sell" any, despite the fact that it was free. Gail can't understand why Hung wasn't able to deliver on the food, if he knew so much about how to make it work. Rocco seems to accept Richmond Joey's knock-me-down-and-scream-in-my-ear excuse. Howie and Saram's food was dry. Rocco didn't like the flavor combination, and prefers Howie's outright aggression to Saram's passive-aggressive behavior. Ptom still thinks Saram didn't contribute much to what turned out to be a sucky dish. A gold star to those who can see the gaping hole in that argument. It is at this point I'm willing to bet money that Saram's getting the axe tonight.

Back in the Kitchen, Saram is futilely trying to explain to Howie that she was trying to argue for herself, not against him, apologizing if that's how she came off. It's a worthy effort, but that kind of thing only works on people who realize that the world doesn't revolve around them, so Howie just continues pissing and moaning and whining and cursing. Saram just frankly tells him that his problem is in the way he speaks to other people, and he certainly can't come up with a response to that one. You can almost see his brain trying to process "other people?". Meanwhile, Gail is saying that Howie's nerves and temper are starting to affect the way he cooks. The chefs in the Kitchen are all starting to gang up on Howie for expecting Saram to read his mind and his moods. Howie snaps that he has "no problems speaking his mind", and CJ inserts a brilliant "You don't?". Hahahaha! Howie whines that he doesn't need CJ "analyzing" him, and CJ clarifies that he was just being sarcastic, like, DUUUUUUUUUUUUH. Howie is upset that everyone's being so mean, and like I said in the short entry for this episode, it is truly hilarious that the people who are the first to whine about how others treat them are the ones who have spent the most time yipping about how this is a competition, and they're not here to make friends. The judges reach a decision.

Commercials. Top Chef is nominated for an Emmy. Wait, for last season? Wow, if they think that shit was quality, I'd hate to see what they thought was bad.

Elimination. Ptom thinks the challenge's concept was pretty basic, and that both teams made dishes that just weren't up to par. Hung should have been more of a leader. Providence Joey didn't pay enough attention, and didn't work well within his team. Howie didn't focus on his flavors or on making a great dish. Saram didn't convince Ptom that she gave her all. My eyes roll out of my head. I pop them back in just in time to witness the decision. I'm ready to see Saram take the fall, when all of a sudden, Padma completely pulls the rug out from under me. "[Nome] Joey. Please pack your knives and go." Whaaaat? Really? What a strange decision. He's certainly never been my favorite, but I'd have expected any of the other three to go home before him, based on this challenge. He thanks the judges for the opportunity, and Ptom tells him he's a great guy who just had a bad day. He hugs Hung as he voices-over that he wasn't going to go out screaming like a lunatic. Who are you, and what have you done with Laramie Joey? He interviews that he wants to go out like a professional, and his face is beet red and leaking tears. He hugs everyone good-bye, and breaks down into wracking sobs. He'll miss everyone, and is given a hearty round of applause. No, really. Where's the guy who whined about watermelon and vowed to throw people off the balcony? He breaks down one final time, as he says he's proud of what he's done here, and is going to go back home with his head held high. Where that home is, I have no idea.

Overall Grade: B