Restaurant Wars - Part III

Top Chef - Season 3, Episode 9

Previously on Top Chef: Howie bullied Saram. Hmm, do we need to go that far back in time for evidence of Howie's shitty attitude? It's almost guaranteed to pop up every twenty minutes or so. The chefs were split into two teams to provide bar food, and Tre's artful use of bacon blew the judges away. Saran's lack of speed and tearful breakdown in the face of more Howie bullying sent her packing. You know, in addition to the unacceptable way she didn't appreciate being treated as a tart instead of as someone who makes them. Eight chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. I tried out a simple recipe for crab dip that turned out okay, but it certainly wasn't anything to write home about. Luckily, Tiffany's spinach balls and spiced dry pasta saved the evening. I'll have to try for more of a crowd pleaser next week.

It's another sunny morning in Miami. For once, the chefs are already up and dressed when we join them at Chef's Manor. CJ is sorry to see Saran go, saying that Howie showed a complete lack of tact and civility. CJ has basically given up on any pretense of polite interaction with him. I'm surprised it took him this long. Howie interviews that he'll go home for his own screwup; not someone else's. Fair enough, but it didn't sound like his food last week was any better than Saran's. Plus, that "baby of the house" crack had nothing to do with food, so he can stop pretending that Saran was this huge anchor that he had to kick himself free from. Saram shrugs off the house drama. She seems to shrug off all of the curveballs of reality television faster than any of the other chefs. Everyone heads out for the day.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs come into the Kitchen, where they are met by Padma and this week's guest judge, Daniel Boulud. He's apparently another one of those big wheels that's well-known in the culinary world and completely anonymous otherwise. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure he's a fantastic chef. I just feel strange each week when they present me with Master So-and-So, who I'm told to be severely impressed by, and who about a third of the time turns out to be some jackhole. Hung is practically licking Daniel's shoes. Dale agrees that Daniel is one of the ten best chefs in the country, if not the world. OK, so what sort of refined culinary challenge is this master chef to judge? Who can prepare the best escargot? Whose rack of lamb reigns supreme? Heavens, no. He's to judge which of the chefs can prepare the best burger that's not already on some chain restaurant's menu. Wow, classy. Daniel actually has some burger experience, having come up with some burger that includes truffles, and costs more than a hundred dollars. Yeah, pass. He likes to fuse American casual style with French cuisine. Padma gives them the traditional thirty minutes to prepare their burger, and says that from now on, the winner of the Quickfire will no longer receive immunity. Uh, oh! Nowhere to hide, now!

Ready? Go! Everyone scatters. Hung is in his usual spaz mode as he smashes up shrimp and runs them to the stove. Saram wants her burger to be healthier than beef, so she's working with crab. She tries to talk herself out of being nervous. Brian is working with the same ingredients of the seafood sausage that served him well before. CJ throws some shrimp and scallops into a blender. Casey seems to be one of the few to use beef. The top of the pepper mill falls off right into her skillet. She's surprised at how many people are using fish, saying she doesn't want to do anything wild or wacky on this challenge. Tre works on a kind of surf 'n turf. Dale is going to plop a fried egg on his burger, which sounds pretty gross to me. Howie uses truffle butter. The time crunch looks to be affecting people more than usual on this one. Everyone hysterically flings their burgers together. One of Dale's burgers is so fat that it's probably not even cooked in the center. Yummy, E. coli! Padma counts down the final seconds. As he whips around, CJ knocks a bowl to the ground. A lot of people appear to finish at the literal last second. Whew.

Padma and Daniel go down the line. Hung has made a shrimp burger with tempura flakes, a sweet sauce, and a shiitake "bacon". Daniel says it's "very nice". Hung giggles like a schoolgirl. Brian has made a scallop, shrimp, and sea bass "burger" with a sweet chili glaze. Why is "burger" in quotes? Because when you take a lump of fish and put it between slices of what appears to be French bread, it's called a sandwich. In fact, Daniel says there is too much bread. Saram has made a crab "burger" with a citrus remoulade, and an orange/endive salad. This time, there's not even any bread. This is a crab cake on a lettuce bed. At best, it could be called a "wrap", but it is certainly not a burger. CJ has made an actual burger. It's made of scallop mousse and shrimp, and has tangerine and what appears to be radicchio. Daniel really likes it, and Casey starts to think that maybe seafood wouldn't have been a bad choice, after all. She has made a sort of patty melt with ground chuck, Port-Salut cheese, and grilled onions. I wish all these sandwiches/burgers didn't have so much lettuce hanging off of them. I know it's popular, but for me, it just gets in the way. Lettuce belongs in salads, damn it!

Tre's surf 'n turf "burger" is tiger shrimp and some petit filet with a horseradish sour cream between slices of ciabatta bread. THAT'S A SANDWICH. All burgers may be sandwiches, but not all sandwiches are burgers. Do I need to make a Venn diagram? Dale has made a tuna and asparagus burger, which is topped with the fried egg and a mirin/soy aioli. I love Dale, but that is not to my tastes at all. Howie has made a black truffle burger with Taleggio cheese, heirloom tomato, and some radicchio. There are also some little glasses to the side with different things in them (one is similar to brown sugar, one is similar to mayonnaise), but they're never explained. Daniel thinks the burger is nice and moist.

LabRat: "That's the brow sweat topping."

Padma gathers everyone to hear the results. Daniel says that everyone had good execution, but that some of them were really more warm sandwiches than burgers. Thank you! Vindication from one of the ten best chefs in the world, or whatever! His least favorites were Saram and Tre, and he never offers any reasons other than the fact that they didn't make burgers. Fair enough. I don't care how tasty your chocolate mousse is, if the challenge was to make the best mince pie. Although I do have to say that were I to choose a sandwich, Tre's sounds really good. Now, to the good news. Howie's burger was very satisfying. CJ's texture was good, and Daniel loved the "firework of flavor". Heh. Dale made the best bread choice of the non-bun burgers. Hung is also included for reasons of "fire". Methinks Daniel likes some spice. Padma asks him for the winner, and he selects CJ. The other chefs applaud, and CJ is happy to win his first Quickfire. Padma reminds him that he doesn't have immunity, but he will have an advantage in the upcoming Elimination Challenge, which starts...

Right now! This week's Elimination Challenge is the perennial Restaurant Wars, which Dale calls one of the "most anticipated" challenges of any season. I hope he got a nice kickback for saying that, because NOT. If you're new to Top Chef, here's the gist of the Restaurant War challenge: The chefs are split into two teams, and they each have to turn a raw space into a mini-restaurant. The chefs are responsible for the name, decoration, menu, and service of their restaurant. Patrons show up and decide which of the restaurants they'll eat at, and their comments are often taken into account at the judging. Is this really the favorite challenge of a lot of viewers? Do people honestly tune into what is ostensibly a show about cooking to watch people pick out flatware? If so, they're nutty. The chefs will have twenty-four hours to get the place ready.

As winner of the Quickfire, CJ gets to choose who will be on his team. A palpable wave of relief washes over him. He diplomatically says that there are people he works well with and people he doesn't work so well with. The camera does the dirty work for him, and we get a shot of Tre for the former, and a shot of Howie for the latter. CJ picks Tre and Brian without even thinking, but hesitates over the third name. He eventually goes for Casey. That team is all smiles, while the folks left behind to work with Howie look grim; Howie included. Hung thinks that both Saram and Howie are "hot-heads", and worries that they won't be able to work together to beat the other team. I'm thoroughly enjoying the fact that he's immediately wringing his hands over his teammates' attitudes. There's a reason you were left behind as well, Mr. Certified Professional Asshole. I do feel sorry for Dale to be stuck on this team, though.

Padma and Daniel take the chefs to their restaurant spaces, each of which is about as big as a two-car garage. Padma gives them half an hour to come up with a restaurant concept and to assign the following four tasks to a team member: head chef, front-of-house, design, and sous chef. "Design" is a really obvious and awkward overdub. Each team will recieve $700 for food, and $2500 for supplies like plates, forks, decoration, etc. Each restaurant should be set up for thirty guests, and the teams will be sharing the Kitchen. The teams jog off to discuss ideas. Since the teams are (almost) split perfectly down the psychological disorder divide, CJ's team is Team Manic, while poor Dale is stuck on Team Depressive. We start with Team Depressive, where Dale is immediately talked over by Howie (of course), who wants to do a French influenced, American contemporary kind of thing. They settle on doing a bistro style restaurant, and agree on certain courses, like tuna and risotto.

Over at Team Manic, CJ suggests that Brian take the front of the house, Tre should be head chef, Casey should take design, and CJ himself will be the sous chef. Everyone agrees. Tre thinks being head chef should be no problem. As far as names, CJ floats his sister's name April, and everyone else is all "fine, whatever". Team Depressive wants to call their place "The Garage", because that's basically what they're standing in. Howie thinks he belongs in the Kitchen, and I wholeheartedly agree. Dale and Hung agree to take the front-of-house, and Dale gives it over to Saram and Howie to decide who should be head and who should be sous chef. Saram volunteers to be head chef, and Howie, perhaps seeing which way the tide is turning after last week, instantly agrees. He seems to finally be realizing that fighting within a team isn't doing him any favors, so he reluctantly says he'll try to get along with Saram. I guess he read the pamphlet I mailed him, which was entitled DUUUUUUUUUH.

Commercials. Yep, I'll be sure to check out that caveman partying website. Right after I win the Iditarod.

Morning. Ah, here are the shots of people waking up at Chef's Manor. I guess they're obligated to show it at least once per episode. CJ wears his watch to bed? Weirdo. He describes the challenge again, while Brian picks out a suit to wear for his front-of-house duties. Tre thinks Team Depressive is going to lose, because... Look who's on it. Speaking of Team Depressive, they chat out on the balcony, as Dale interviews that all four of them are very headstrong and stubborn. Before you know it, everyone's being whisked off for the day. CJ, Tre, Saram, and Howie go to buy food, while the others are driven to the supply store. Saram has picked up that unfortunate "myself" habit from Brian. Both teams are doing "contemporary American" food, which essentially means they can do whatever they want. Saram thinks working with Howie isn't difficult, as long as you know how to deal with him. Brian and Casey buy supplies. They help each other out, in that Casey helps Brian calm down a bit, and Brian squashes Casey's idea to put scented elements in their restaurants, because that "offends" people. Dale and Hung have not gotten that memo, and they stock up on scented candles. After a final montage of people stocking up, everyone heads back to the Kitchen.

Four hours until service. Boring montage of Dale, Hung, Brian, and Casey cleaning and decorating their restaurant spaces. CJ assists Tre in the Kitchen. Team Manic is preparing a corn and truffle custard with sea scallops as the first course, and crusted beef tenderloin on smoked potatoes as the third course. I don't know whether they're just withholding the information on the second course for now, or this is just another treat from the notoriously awful title department. We get the full menu from Team Depressive. The first course will be a tuna tartare (Hung), the second will be a mushroom risotto (Howie), and the third will be a braised lamb shank (Saram). Saram and Howie are both super-focused on their own food, the implication being that everyone's too busy to fight. Howie says that he prepares risotto a different way than most chefs. Saram notes that Tre is a lot more flustered than in previous challenges. Ah, here is Team Manic's second course. It is grouper with shellfish and artichoke hearts. Sounds good. Tre worries that prepping the second course is eating up too much of CJ's time. Chaotic cooking. Chaotic decorating. "Queer Eye's got nothing on my ass," Dale quips. Hehe.

With one hour before service, Ptom comes by to Ptimewaste. He learns that Tre's beef tenderloin was cut into individual portions before being cooked and tells Team Depressive that risotto can be tough to pull off, because it has such timing issues. After he's done talking with the teams, Ptom comes to complain to us that Team Manic should have cooked the tenderloins together, then carved them table-side. Yes, that would be charming, but as we'll see in a bit, it's not like they've got people or time to spare for that sort of display. He also says that Team Depressive has more restaurant experience than Team Manic, so the entire thing will come down to teamwork. This will also turn out to be false. So, thanks for more Ptimewasting!

Hung is spazzing as usual, and knocks over a container, spilling liquid all over the floor. He spazzes even more about cleaning up. Saram tries futilely to calm him down. Half an hour before service, some good-hearted folks come in to serve as the teams' waiters and waitresses. Ah, caterer-waiting. Something with which I have vast experience. Though I enjoy the glamorous world of publically-funded science, it (surprise!) doesn't pay all that well. So I work part-time as a waiter for a catering company. If you thought I was insufferable and pedantic about cooking, wait until they start talking about things I actually know. They're put to work polishing wineglasses, and whatnot. Tre gets caught up working on something, and by the time he realizes the potatoes need to come off the smoker, they've been sitting in there for about four minutes too long. Rut roh! Final montage of cooking, plating, and menu-writing.

Commercials. Buy this car, so a kid who can't time his bladder activity won't have to wet his pants.

Diners start showing up, and choose which restaurant they prefer. Howie recaps the challenge. I'll assume you're familiar with it. Dale seats people. Brian welcomes the judges for Team Manic. "Suddenly", more people walk in, so he gets flustered, because he has to seat them all. Um... You know, never mind. Let's save the front-of-house talk for later. Just keep an eye out for asterisks. Casey and CJ get the amuse-bouche plated in a hurry. Have we heard a word about this before now? Eh, whatever. It's a bluepoint oyster with a ginger and watermelon granita, which is served with some Spanish wine. Ptom and Daniel agree that the oyster is "washed out", and doesn't really have any flavor. Then Ptom discovers that the bread plates are dusty*. This isn't the way Brian wanted to start service. The next course is brought out, and for some reason, Brian has one of the waiters describe the seared sea scallop on corn, with the black truffle custard. Daniel can't figure out if the custard is overcooked on purpose or not.

The grouper with shellfish, basil pistou, artichoke hearts, and cherry tomatoes is brought out. The judges are missing silverware*. Brian goes back to the Kitchen, and asks if all three of his teammates are needed back there, because he really needs some help. As he wanders off to get more silverware, he complains that he doesn't even know how many people are out there*. Tre sends Casey out to assist Brian and to calm him down. Casey comes out and presents the beef tenderloin, which is crusted with wild mushrooms and Gorgonzola. Even on television, you can tell that the potatoes are way too burnt. Indeed, nobody likes the potatoes at all. One diner calls them "horrible". Casey presents the pre-dessert, which is a mango, lemongrass, and sake sorbet. Sounds interesting. Padma actually calls it "too cold", which I'm going to throw a fit about if it comes up at Judges' Table. The actual dessert is an apple tarte tatin (spelled correctly this time) with brandy sauce and an English cream. This dessert seems to be the only thing everyone really enjoys. Two diners clink wineglasses.

Dale is handling the influx of diners fairly well, saying that he waited tables for eight years, though the process is taking some time to come back to him. He says he's all smiles out in the front, and saves all his ranting and bitching for the back. That's definitely the way to do it, though I certainly don't care for the way he's haranguing and cursing at people he met an hour ago. The judges come in and seat themselves, and Dale tells them he'll be right with them. Ted immediately picks up on the scented candle, and disapproves. As Dale comes back by, Ptom tells him that Ted is having a problem with the candle, so can he please take it away. What follows is a split-second look from Dale to Ted, clearly reading "Are you serious, or are you that full of shit?" before he politely agrees, and takes it away. Haha! A guy I was going to call Pretentious Twat 2: Electric Twattening also insults the candle, takes it off the table, and covers it with his napkin before smugly declaring he needs a new one. I've since read that this pretentious twat is actually Madonna's brother, so I can't be too mean. If showing up to reality show restaurants and being prissy is the only way he can find to get some attention, no insult of mine can wound.

After waiting a while, the judges get the first course, which is the tuna tartare with egg vinaigrette, a Nicoise olive puree, and an herb salad. It looks good. Dale tells the judges straight out that Hung was responsible for this dish, and declaring who did what is an interesting move, game-wise. The judges all like the tartare, calling it delicate and subtle. Well, those two adjectives are not Hung's strong suits, so he must have really knocked this one out of the park. Back in the Kitchen, Hung interviews that Howie is cooking three massive batches of risotto all at once, and that risotto should be cooked one-by-one, to order. LabRat nods sagely, only to become perturbed when the judges complain that it's been fifteen minutes between courses. We like slow meals.

The risotto is served in due time, and it's got wild mushrooms, foie gras, and black truffles (by which I assume they mean truffle butter). The judges find it rich, and Padma says that it's not something she'd serve in the summer. Good thing this was filmed in the spring, then. Nice try, though. Dale presents Saram's braised lamb shank, which is served on sunchoke potatoes and baby vegetables. I want to know what those round nuggets on the plate are. Daniel and Ted agree that this has been a very heavy menu. Madonna's brother complains about the lamb, and says that if that was a vegetable medley, he's a monkey. What an odd comparison. And monkey? Did Hung bring his along? Anyway, Madonna's brother, Madonna's brother, Madonna's brother. There, I hope that was enough attention to satisfy him for a while, so that he'll shut up and go away.

The final course for Team Depressive is a sweet crepe with dark chocolate and an orange Grand Marnier sauce. That sounds good, though the presentation isn't. Gelatinous blobs are rarely appetizing. Once Dale's gone, Ted says that he's appreciated the table-side presentations. Hey, Team Manic did table-side presentations as well. They just weren't as competent. The dessert is the third rich course in a row. After they're done eating, the judges excuse themselves, and we get a nice time-lapse shot of the setting crescent moon. The members of Team Manic toast each other. Brian is exhausted. CJ frets over the upcoming elimination, having no idea how Team Depressive did. Dale is equally worried, saying that Team Depressive was hosed by the waiters*, that the food didn't go over well, and that he might be eliminated for not having cooked anything. But if the food wasn't well-received, isn't it good that he didn't cook anything? Whatever.

*Anyhow, here's as good a place as any to wax intellectual about service in the Restaurant Wars challenge. Let me preface this by saying that these contestants are or are trying to be professional chefs. As far as I'm concerned, they shouldn't be judged at all on lack of serving talent. In the real world, sure. It behooves a chef to know how service works. On this show, I'd be perfectly happy with Brian going up at Judges' Table and saying "I'm sorry you were missing a fork, but counting silverware is not part of my job description." All that said, and admitting that this is pure speculation... Serving food for this challenge would not be and should not be so freaking difficult. Every season, there are a bunch of service issues. Why? Are the guests arriving at various intervals? No, it looked like everyone showed up at about the same time. Seating -- easy. Did the waiters and contestants have to memorize or even write down diners' orders or preferences? No, it was a set menu, and everyone got the same thing. Orders -- easy. Was there a never-ending onslaught of diners to feed? Nope, each restaurant was set up for thirty people, and had servers provided. Anticipating demand -- easy.

OK, I'm going to assume each team got two servers (plus the contestant responsible for front-of-house), and that the 30 diners were split into five four-top tables and five two-top tables. If that's the way it shook out, each server was responsible for about three tables. Three. That's about twelve people maximum, all having the same food that should theoretically be ready to go back in the Kitchen. And here people are, scrambling around like chickens with their heads cut off. The missing flatware and the dusty plates should have been spotted, but are easy to let go on a "first night". But "I'm getting killed out here! I need help!" is just silly. I know it's easy to sit at home with a glass of wine and sneer at incompetence in a challenge I don't have all the information about, but it grates to see people lose their shit over carrying four plates of food a grand total of twenty feet, when I'm going to spend every Saturday in September doing quintuple that, with a smile.

Commercials. There's nothing Geek Squad hasn't seen! Including your porn.

Judges' Table. In the Kitchen, Howie tries to calm the other chefs (!) by saying that none of his restaurant openings have ever gone smoothly. In the dining room, Padma is telling the other judges that there was a secret shopper of sorts for this challenge. An "undercover blogger" named Andrea Strong ate at both restaurants, and has written out comments for the judges. A blogger? Who the fuck cares what some asshole on the internet thinks about Top Chef? Er...strike that. Padma says the criteria for this challenge was based on concept, decor, food, and service. Again, if the chef and owner of a restaurant are the same person, that's fine. If a chef is merely head of the kitchen, three of those things are not within their purview. Team Manic's decor gets nicer reviews, since all the judges are horrified by Team Depressive's scented candles. Daniel says it felt more like a massage parlor than a restaurant.

LabRat: "You're French; you should like that."

Hung's tuna tartare gets good reviews. Howie's risotto was far too rich for a "warm night in Miami". As opposed to those snowy winter nights Florida is famous for. Tre's potatoes were too smoky. Team Manic's service was poor, because Brian was so flustered. Ptom says that both teams had their plusses and minuses. Really? The only plusses I've heard about are Hung's tuna, Team Manic's dessert, and Dale's table-side presentations. Speaking of Dale, he's telling the other chefs that he served his ass off. It's about this point that Padma enters the Kitchen, and summons Team Manic to the table. Because the winners are called first every week, Team Depressive immediately starts licking their wounds, with Hung saying they tried their best, and Saram saying that all of them did a "fucking great job". I'd rather do a great job fucking. *rimshot*

Team Manic enters the dining room, and Padma tells them right off the bat that they are not the winning team. I'd be excited that they're finally calling the losers in first, but I've seen the rest of this episode. Padma lets them know about the secret blogger, and Casey looks to the heavens in a "Oh, no. Not one of those snotty jerks!" kind of way. How could she think bloggers would be overly judgmental? What a goddamn bitch! I'm totally kidding. Anyway, Andrea really liked Team Manic's decor, and Brian laughingly tells Padma that she can stop there. Unfortunately, like most bloggers, safe to criticize from behind their computer screens (*ahem*), Andrea then tries to go for biting wit, and lands closer to just plain bitchy instead. She talks in detail about how Brian was sweating, and implores him to get some Right Guard. CJ laughs at him. I feel sorry for him. Padma kindly tells him she didn't notice anything like that, but did note his flustered state. Brian admits to it, and mentions that none of the members of Team Manic have any front-of-house experience. He takes full responsibility for anything that may have gone wrong in that regard.

Padma goes on to read to read more of Andrea's comments about topping a perfectly good oyster with a "Watermelon Slurpee". Nobody really has an answer to this, and CJ says that she's perfectly on point so far, including about Brian's sweating problem. Padma launches into more comments from Andrea about Tre's over-smoked potatoes. OK, I get the idea of having someone who's not a judge offer comments, because the chefs should be trying to impress everyone who ate at their restaurants. And I get the idea of using a blogger who writes about food. I'm perfectly willing to accept her comments. But then why not just have her sit in at Judges' Table? Why is Daniel (one of the "top ten chefs in the country, if not the world") sitting there mutely while Padma recites woman-on-the-street commentary? It's weird and off-putting. Tre admits that he lost track of the potatoes. Ptom pulls one of those knife-twisting moves where he tries to get Tre, CJ, and Casey to turn on Brian as causing their loss. As I always like to see, they do not give him the pleasure, and stick together as a team. CJ says that every restaurant has opening-night problems. Team Manic is dismissed, and is asked to send in Team Depressive.

Which they do. Odd Asian music. Gong. Padma opens by saying that the judges had quite a few problems with their restaurant. Dale describes the concept of "contemporary American/bistro", which as I've said, really just shakes out to "non-ethnic food". Saram admits to nominating herself head chef. Ptom says that was a brave move. Hmm. Padma asks how the menu was derived, and Saram says they did it as a team. Ptom brings up Andrea's blog. Interestingly, Saram's "Oh, no. Not one of those snotty jerks!" reaction is to look down to the floor, rather than Casey's appeal to God. Padma reads off a comment about the "suffocating stink" of the scented candles. This is what I mean. The judges noticed that themselves. Why do we need Andrea's thoughts about it? Padma asks whose idea the candles were. Dale takes responsibility for that, and says that most of the supply store's candles were scented, and that he has a weak sense of smell. He's a chef, and has a weak sense of smell? Isn't that kind of like a partially deaf conductor? Ted doesn't accept Dale's excuse, saying the vanilla scent blew him away, and that Team Manic didn't have any problems finding proper candles. Fair enough. Dale also takes responsibility (along with mentioning Hung) for the rest of the decor as well. He liked the black tablecloths he picked out, but Andrea didn't, saying it was like "eating off Billy Idol", which she wouldn't want to do. Eesh. I know I'm no sparkling wit, but that is not clever. Besides, the issue of the tablecloths is purely a matter of taste. You can't eliminate someone for liking different colors than you, no more than you can eliminate someone because they used a green vegetable you happen to hate in one of their salads.

On to things that actually matter. Hung is asked how he felt about his tuna tartare. He says that he was very happy with it, and Ptom tells him how much the judges liked it, apart from a little too much white asparagus. Howie's risotto was less successful. Andrea said that it was sticky and gummy. Daniel asks what he used to finish it, and Howie says he used Parmesan, heavy cream, and black truffle butter. Ptom points out that the creaminess of risotto should come from the rice. Howie begins to describe his experiences with risotto, but Ptom cuts him off by saying risotto shouldn't mound up on a plate; it should be more flowing. Howie, not having any teammate to pawn this one off on, snaps that he thought his risotto was fine, and that none of the risotto he tasted was gummy or "crap". Ted asks about the "seasonality" of the menu. Saram admits to trepidation about the heaviness of the menu, but thought the two first courses would be light enough that the lamb shank wouldn't be overdoing it. Somehow, Ted takes this to mean that everyone was focused on their own dishes, rather than wanting to present a cohesive menu. Huh? If Howie's risotto had turned out better, there wouldn't have been any problem. I've got to say, Ted is wearing on me. I miss Gail. Howie says that he doesn't have any problems with eating heavier items.

Tiffany: "Well, clearly."

Howie would eat a braised lamb shank at any time of year, sort of implicitly saying that again, this is a matter of taste; not something that was out-and-out incorrect. He's right. Saram takes full responsibility for the overall menu. Team Depressive is dismissed. The chefs fret in the Kitchen. CJ wonders how they're going to pick a winner. Deliberations. Brian's serving inconsistency lasted through at least half the meal. Padma thinks Dale having a weak sense of smell is odd. Ptom says Dale's lack of smell accounts for the overpowering candles, and that he had a lack of taste in the restaurant's decor. This from the man who wears animal prints with the top couple of buttons undone. I don't think people who embrace the 1973 gigolo aesthetic get to comment on other people's tastes. Dale tells the other chefs that he felt like he was getting "pounded on". No, that was last week. Another *rimshot*! Howie's risotto was crappy. Tre's potatoes were crappy. Ted preferred Team Manic. Ptom is disappointed in both teams.

"Suddenly", Ptom "gets" an idea, which is not at all contrived. Padma rests her chin on her fist, as if to say "Please, tell me about this idea that has just now occurred to you, and was not either planned in advance or suggested by the producers right after dinner." The judges "reach" a "decision" that Daniel approves of. But what about Andrea? Shouldn't you guys call her?

Commercials. Hehe. I love how the title department, who are often completely mystified by apostrophes and ampersands, took great pains to avoid ending their poll question with a preposition.

Elimination. Dale seems certain that he's getting chopped. Howie continues his mysterious streak of not sucking by telling him and Brian that they should be commended for having the courage to volunteer for front-of-house, given that it's not what they do. Padma sadly strolls into the Kitchen like she's about to send one of them to the gas chamber. She summons Brian and Dale to the dining room. The two of them shake hands on their way out. Ptom says that opening a restaurant is very difficult. Dale's decor didn't match the food. Since this will turn out to have no effect on judging, I'll pass over what bullshit that is. Brian's service was lacking. After a proper dramatic pause, Padma tells them that nobody is getting eliminated this week. I'm sure a lot of people saw that as an unsatisfying cop-out, but I'm pleased. Not only because I like both Brian and Dale, but because the issues that they were just reprimanded for have nothing to do with being a good chef.

Both Brian and Dale are incredibly relieved. Dale, who was no doubt expecting to be eliminated, allows a couple of his pent-up tears to leak out. Padma says that both restaurants will open again tomorrow night, and this time, someone really will be cut. Daniel gives them copies of his book (of course) to hand out to all the chefs. Chefs still cook, right? They don't all just schmooze in dining rooms and travel the world to eat gross things for the public's entertainment and yell at aspiring famewhores on TV and write books and yell "BAM!" a lot, do they? Dale and Brian go back to the Kitchen to tell the others that everyone gets a do-over. Saram hopes that Team Depressive can fix its mistakes. The chefs hug. Tre's a bit deflated, but is glad to "fight another day". Both Brian and Dale promise to kick the challenge's ass next week.

To be continued...

Overall Grade: B