Food on the Fly

Top Chef - Season 1, Episode 4

Previously on Top Chef: The chefs were divided into two teams. Well, actually they were divided into the blue team and a loose association of individuals forced to collaborate on the same project, or red team for short. Stephen and Candice fought over essentially nothing. Candice called Stephen a tool and a douchebag, so she's obviously smarter than we've all given her credit for. The teams served their food to a group of children, which rubbed Tiffani and Harold the wrong way, cause it's not like kids are actually people or anything. The red team overcame their differences enough to win the challenge, thanks mostly to Miguel and Lisa. Though mostly everyone on the blue team was ripe for elimination, Tiffani was spared by immunity, and Lee Anne was spared by being awesome. Brian's mushy carrots were declared the dealbreaker, and he was cut loose. Nine chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

San Francisco. At the IHOF, everyone's just waking up. Dave interviews that he's been doing really poorly, and needs to "step it up". Stephen hopes that the rest of the challenges will be individual, the better to not elucidate the fact that nobody can stand him. Candice interviews that a lot of the other chefs are trying to tear her down. Really? The only person I've seen who's overtly bitchy to Candice is Stephen, and he's overtly bitchy to everyone. That's thankfully it for the Pointless Morning After Elimination of the Week interviews, and everyone heads out.

Quickfire Challenge. KatieBot meets the chefs on the street, and tells them that the theme for this week's challenges is food on the fly, or things that must be prepared rapidly and without fanfare. The Quickfire this week is testing versatility and invention. KatieBot points out the number of specialty markets in the Mission district, and tells the chefs that they'll get $20 and half an hour to buy ingredients from one particular store. An Asian grocer? Nope. A Jewish deli? Try again. It's actually a gas station rest stop. Hah! That's clever. Most of the chefs laugh good naturedly. Miguel interviews that obviously, this is the last place a chef would ever go to get groceries, but you can tell he's amused and anxious to do something fun. Less amused are Harold and Tiffani, who I'm starting to think had to have their senses of humor surgically removed. Hey, that self-importance takes up a lot of room. Harold isn't into this challenge at all. Harold isn't into most of the challenges, because I guess he thought going on a reality show wouldn't involve competing in dramatic and off-kilter tasks. I'd be curious to know what he thought this experience was going to be, other than a shortcut to some diet fame. KatieBot tells the chefs that in addition to the things they purchase at the gas station, they're welcome to use any dried herbs or spices in the Kitchen.

Everyone streams into the store. Stephen has trouble finding the fine wines he was apparently hoping to discover in the local Pump 'n Munch. Candice laughs at a bunch of the high-falootin' chefs who are so completely out of their element. Tiffani starts grabbing donuts, interviewing that she's going to make a "Grispee Greme bred puddeen". I'm sorry, that's a Krispy Kreme bread pudding. Tiffani's got a cold, and her nose is all stopped up, which has the odd side effect of making her sound completely adorable in all of her interviews this week. People rib Andrea a bit, knowing she must be in health food hell right about now. Dave's all excited about the challenge. Miguel is buying a lot of the same ingredients as Tiffani, so she yells at him for being a copycat. She interviews that she had brought up making donut bread pudding a couple of days previously. Really? So she was planning for this challenge before she even knew what it was? Interesting. I think Tiffani caught her cold from some errant bullshit. She whines that she got the donuts first. Miguel shrugs her off. It's hard to tell whether he's really taking the idea of making a bread pudding from her or not. I'm not a huge Tiffani fan, but there's nothing shown onscreen to indicate that she's mistaken or lying. If Miguel really is being a copycat, that's an ass thing to do. Still, it's not like you can't make bread pudding a bunch of different ways, and it's also not as if they have a wealth of ingredients to choose from.

Back in the Kitchen, KatieBot starts the timer. There's only half an hour to throw the dish together. The winner will be immune from elimination, as always. Go! People run all over the place. Miguel interviews that he hasn't won a Quickfire, but thinks he's got a good shot at this one, given his love of junk food. Harold wins back a little bit of love by looking straight into the camera and deadpanning "I bought spam. I...bought spam," with a look of complete "Can you believe this shit?" on his face. Hehehe. Lee Anne teases him about becoming spam's new spokesperson. Stephen's using spam, too. You know, I've never tasted spam. It looks kinda gross, but this episode has my curiosity piqued. More frantic cooking. Andrea laughingly interviews that her clients are going to pass out when they see her cooking with candy and such. Hehehe. Stephen blatantly cheats by putting fresh herbs on his plate. This isn't him forgetting that they were told they could only use dried herbs. He and Harold actually interview that he knew very well what he was doing, but went ahead anyway. Bleh. Tiffani accuses Miguel in an interview of "not habbing any creatibe thoughts on his own". Sure, that must be why he won the sexy dessert challenge. And beat your ass into the ground on the monkfish challenge. Better put a robe on, Tiffani. Your insecurity is showing. With one minute left, everyone makes their finishing touches. Time's up.

The guest judge this week is Jefferson Hill, who is the chef at a restaurant stationed at Neiman Marcus. He and KatieBot go down the line, starting with Miguel. Miguel has made pumpkin donut bread pudding, a little shotglass of coconut water topped with chocolate foam, and a few orange-flavored breath strips. I love that little touch. Jefferson dismisses everything as sickly sweet. Tiffani brings her hand to her face, knowing she's screwed. Andrea has made cup o' noodles topped with beef jerky. She's made the sauce for the noodles out of Reese's peanut butter cups. I have to say it looks really good. "Too peanut buttery," Jefferson sniffs. Um, there's no such thing. Candice has made gazpacho out of spicy tomato soups and some half and half. Jefferson snots that it tastes like nacho cheese sauce. Candice interviews that she didn't use any cheese, and that Jefferson is the first guest judge to be a gratuitous dick. Not in those words, of course, but that's what it boils down to. Harold has prepared some eggs on toast, crisped spam, some relish and Funyuns as the garnish, and has emulsified his sauce with the filling from an ice cream sandwich. Neat. Jefferson criticizes the relish before he even eats it. Tiffani interviews that Jefferson's critiques were "on point but a liddle harsh nonedeless for a gas station".

In fact, there's a pretty clear gradient here. Guest judges like Hubert Keller and Laurent Manrique, who are the executive chefs at fancy restaurants, were very complimentary and respectful of the chefs (except Ken, but he had it coming). Elizabeth Faulkner, who is still in charge of a business (albeit a smaller, less glamorous one), was a little snooty, but found good things to say about a lot of people. And Jefferson Hill, who essentially works in a glorified food court at the mall, is a self-important dick. Pretty telling, that. Tiffani sucks up to him by saying she tried to cut the sweetness of the donuts in her bread pudding by adding graham crackers and blueberries. It does look tasty. Jefferson tells her it's too soft and dry. Dave's put together a hangover platter. Heh, cool. There's a bean and beef burrito that's been torched briefly. Also, there's some tomato soup and a cinnamon roll. That's not nearly greasy enough to take care of an actual hangover, but I like his thinking. Jefferson... Wait, did he actually just compliment someone? I have to go back. Yes, he did! He tells Dave he's come up with a very creative idea. You'll note he says absolutely nothing about how it tastes. Weird. Lee Anne's dish is a Funion-battered [sic] spiedini, accented with Oscar Mayer lunchmeat.

Pretentious chef to English dictionary: Spiedini. Noun. Formally, it's any skewer of meat or fish grilled over flame or under a broiler. Lee Anne's more informal definition is fried mozzarella cheese slapped between two pieces of bread. Those two meanings don't really jive, but whatever. "This one is very good," Jefferson says in the same tone of voice you'd use to say "I'd like to confirm my 10:15 appointment to be audited". Lisa's is scrambled eggs with cheese on toast, topped with chili, and accented by slabs of pistachio-dust-topped hotdogs for decoration. Looks good. Jefferson dismisses it as just "pork and beans, with eggs". Sorry, I guess they were out of rack of lamb AT THE GAS STATION. Ooh, Stephen. It's always fun to watch two egotistical shitheads throw down against each other, because no matter who loses, it's someone you hate. He has a typically smarmy interview saying his plate looks more well balanced than the other chefs'. No, what his plate looks like is what it always looks like. Artistic, minimalistic, and fairly inedible. There's a shot of coconut water infused with paprika and green tea, peanuts and tarragon with charred spam, a line of dried peas, a wilted basil leaf over some vanilla dumpling, and a chili/mango syrup. KatieBot busts him for using fresh herbs, which he's not allowed to do. Is he disqualified? Or even taken to task at all? Don't be silly. Stephen lies that he didn't intentionally use an ingredient that wasn't allowed. It turns out not to matter, because Jefferson, of course, hates everything. KatieBot asks him for his decision, inquiring if there were any real disasters. He points out Candice's gazpacho. She's embarrassed. Forced to pick a winner from among these people he clearly feels far superior to, he goes with Lee Anne. Yay! She's pleased, but hopes to win a long challenge. Frankly, I'd be happy with her consistently winning only the Quickfires, since it's the only challenge with a demonstrable benefit.

Commercials. I see that the caveman FedEx commercial is supposed to be funny, but it's....really not. Also, I know it's just a throwaway joke and not to be taken seriously, but humans and dinosaurs? Not so much with the co-existing.

Elimination Challenge. KatieBot gets right to the point. The challenge will be to create a gourmet entree that can be reheated in the microwave. The winner will be judged by a group of local women who belong to the Junior League. Harold complains in an interview... I know, I'm shocked, too. Anyway, Harold complains in an interview that he doesn't want to encourage people to eat food out of microwaves, since it would drive away business. It'd be like McDonald's suggesting someone buy a Whopper. He's got a point. Still, he says that he'd rather people "come to the restaurant and let [him] and the staff take care of them," which is pretty rich coming from the guy who wouldn't condescend to make an edible meal for children. Tomorrow night, someone's getting eliminated. Well, then "Elimination Challenge" is a good name for it. Everyone goes to the grocery store. They've got $50, and an hour to shop. Candice is still humiliated for being called out in the Quickfire. Tiffani says that because her audience is all women, she knew she could appeal to them with fish. Um, what? Do men not eat fish? Whatever. She says she bought some escolar, because it has a good fat content for reheating. Smart thinking. Stephen hopes to "educate" the women with a Oaxacan tamale. Harold reiterates that he's not into the challenge at all. That'd be the third one in a row. I'm so over him. He's going to make some soup, involving lobster. Dave says he's working on a lasagna with fire-roasted marinara and slow-cooked alfredo. He buys some colorful vegetables. Lisa, being a mom, says that she's got some experience in this type of challenge. She's going to make an herb-roasted chicken and undercook it, so that the microwave will finish it perfectly. Interesting. Miguel tells Andrea and Lisa that he's making meatloaf. They look skeptical. What's wrong with meatloaf? Everyone hangs around outside making fun of Stephen for buying a bunch of esoteric ingredients. He's called the mad scientist, and his cooking is compared to a chaotic chem lab. Dave snots that regular people don't eat the sort of froufrou things Stephen makes.

Back in the Kitchen, the chefs are given ninety minutes to get everything ready. Lee Anne greets Harold's lobster, which is still walking around alive on the table. Hehehe. Nobody can ever say she's not nice to strangers. There's some frantic preparation. Miguel shouts out how much time is left after only fifteen minutes have elapsed. Dude, I think you can put that off for a while. People get snippy with each other, which Dave attributes to them cooking under unusual conditions and time constraints. Fair enough. Tom checks in, and is typically unhelpful. I'll get back to him at the judging. Dave chants "salt, salt, salt" to himself, remembering where he tripped up on the last challenge. Tom tells us that Candice is making quiche, which is ambitious, given that pastry doesn't always do well in the microwave. Very true. Stephen tends to be style over substance. Duh. Lisa has an edge, due to her experience with home cooking. Well, thanks Tom. I'm glad we had this little chat. Tiffani glazes her fish with Asian highlights like soy and miso. They'll act as a sort of marinade overnight, then enhance the flavor of the fish when they're heated in the microwave the next day. Smart. Miguel has made his meatloaf, and added ginger, honey, Chinese fire-spice, and barbecue sauce. Lee Anne is making lemongrass chicken over steamed jasmine rice. That sounds so good. Ew, except for the coconut milk she's adding. Harold puts raw shrimp into his soup so that the microwave won't overcook them.

Andrea's making a Quinoa pilaf with curried sweet potatoes. She acts like her motives are a big secret, even though we all have known her cooking style from the word go. Miguel chops mushrooms like the wind. Impressive. Candice blathers something about how she thinks the moms will like her quiche, because she knows other people who happen to be moms and like quiche. Um, thanks Candice. Five minutes left. People have to start boxing up their food to be refrigerated. Lisa says that she didn't have time to cool her pasta and season it, nor to grill her chicken. I don't understand. How can you not find time to make pasta and throw some chicken on the grill in an hour and a half? Did she kill the chicken herself? Dave's lasagna looks like vomit. Harold makes a comment about how Dave has a "magical lasagna". I'll admit to having absolutely no idea what that means. Is he complimenting it? Insulting it? Ridiculing it? Dave takes it as if Harold has just spit in his face. He's stressed because of the time limit, and unfortunately takes it out by deciding that Harold and Stephen are assholes who are making fun of him. Which they may be, but we've really seen no evidence of that. He goes on and on about it in an interview. Dave's being a drama queen, and we all know how I feel about those.

Commercials. Use this credit card because M. Night Shyamalan uses it. Sure, if it means I can do one really great thing, then coast on it for the rest of my life like he's doing.

Next day. People flit around the IHOF nervously. Lisa shrugs that she can't do anything about her unfinished chicken; just microwave it and hope it turns out well. Stephen feels making a tamale is a safe bet. Everyone heads out. They pull up to a gorgeous mansion, where they're greeted by the judges. Oh, goody. Jefferson Hill is there, too. The chefs will have to make a short presentation, outlining what they've made, then serve the ladies. The ladies will decide the winner, and the judges will decide who's eliminated. Andrea's confident, because this type of woman is her core audience. Harold interviews that being a good cook isn't enough. You have to sell your product and be personable. Where was he with that attitude last week? Miguel says that he wants his food to have universal appeal. Andrea and Stephen do that thing where they pretend to be self-deprecating about not knowing a lot about microwaves, but really the intention is to show off at how above microwaves they are. Miguel knocks Stephen down a few notches by saying that the microwave was a godsend to his single-parent household. The Junior League ladies gather on the veranda by the pool. Yes, these are the harassed working mothers we've heard so much about. I don't mean to insult them. The Junior League does a lot of great volunteer work. I'm just saying that the women who do such work can afford to take the time to volunteer, because they tend to be pretty wealthy. Tiffani interviews that they have "den minnudes to ged reddy".

Dave is up first. He very wisely plays off how horrible his lasagna looks by saying that his motives were flavor and functionality. And just because it looks bad doesn't mean it is. Stir some apple butter into cottage cheese sometime. It's really good, and good for you. That said? It looks like a chunky shitbomb. Anyway, Dave. His lasagna is double-sauced, and the colorful vegetables he's put on the side are a nice touch. The women are very complimentary. Dave is pleased. Stephen's up next. I'm not even going to attempt to describe all the weird-ass ingredients he's put into his tamale. He begins to talk and talk, lecturing the women on the origins of his ingredients, and basically being the smug prick he always is. Upon being asked if she knows what a plantain is, one of the women rolls her eyes awesomely. Tiffani nails it in an interview, saying that Stephen's food always has an air of condescension. The judges look horrified. Nobody thinks his tamale is hot enough, and someone says it's also too dry. What, the tamale, or Stephen? *rimshot* Thank you! I'll be here all week. Try the veal.

Harold has made a coconut (bleh) seafood soup with lobster and shrimp, and a pea-shoot biscuit on the side. He charms the ladies. It works. They love his soup. Tiffani's next, with her miso and mirin-glazed escolar (aka sea bass). Tiffani is very easy and natural in her presentation. If she were like this all the time, she may have turned out to be my favorite contestant. Everyone loves it. Speaking of favorite contestants, here's Lee Anne. The ladies respond well to her lemongrass chicken stir-fry. I respond less well to that tan newsboy cap she insists on wearing in some of her interviews. Candice is pretty obviously nervous as she presents her spinach/shrimp quiche. Turns out she has good reason to be. The crust doesn't hold together well, and someone mentions overcooked shrimp. Lisa has made two cheese gratin with herbed chicken breast. She interviews that her presentation didn't go as well as she'd hoped, which she attributes to not being pleased with her dish. That's understandable. The ladies seem to feel that the herb flavor is overpowering the chicken. I'm as skeptical of that as I was of "too peanut buttery" earlier. I like a lot of herb flavor. I've never experienced something being "too herby". Andrea's pilaf includes leeks, mushrooms, chicken/turkey sausage, and the quinoa (a rice-like grain from the Andean region of South America - thanks, internet!). There's also the sweet potato mash. She plays up the health angle, and is completely at home in front of this audience. She even mentions the whole "eat this, and you'll take a nice dump later" argument, which is not the first time. Stop talking about people's poop, Andrea. Dave is proud of her for always sticking to her principles, food-wise. Miguel has added edamame to his meatloaf. I love edamame. I love saying edamame. It's almost as much fun as the word "pumpernickel". He doesn't use the microwave's full power, but the convection setting. This makes the meatloaf cold in the center. Ouch. He's disappointed in himself. All the chefs fret in the kitchen with worry.

Commercials. Aw, a cute little snail! There are far too few snails on TV these days.

Judges' table. Gail says that a lot of people who were previously very strong were weak in this challenge, and vice versa. Oh, that's right. I was going to call a brief sidebar about the judges, wasn't I? Well, now's as good a time as any, I suppose. I'll preface this by saying that I have no doubt that the judges (Tom and Gail, anyway) are extremely qualified to judge the competence of the dishes presented to them. I'm sure they're very smart, fair people. They are also complete duds. They don't distinguish themselves in any way. They're not funny or acerbic or witty or enthusiastic or anything. They just sit there, say their boring piece, and are done. You know something's wrong when I'm pining for the days of Michael Kors. Tom is supposed to be a mentor as well as judge. This idea may be flawed from the start, as I don't know how good an idea it is to have someone who checks in during the process be allowed to form a final judgement. Even if that weren't the case, Tom falls pretty flat in this other regard as well. They're just all so dull. Especially KatieBot.

Anyhow. Jefferson says that there were three good dishes, three bad, and three mediocre. KatieBot and Gail agree that Dave's was very good. Andrea impressed Tom. KatieBot leaves to go get the top three. She asks Andrea, Harold, and Tiffani to join the judges. Andrea senses that this is good news, saying "Well, how do ya like me now?". Hehehe. I hope one of these weeks, they summon the worst three in first. Just to shake things up. The three are told that they were voted the favorites. Harold was charming and the soup turned out well. Tiffani's escolar was cooked perfectly, and its high oil content helped it to not dry out. Andrea managed to add a note of finesse to her normally earthy granola type stuff. The women have voted Tiffani the winner. She's happy about it, calling herself the "microwabe queen". Take some Nyquil! Her prize, of course, is to ask the bottom three to go to the judges' table. That'd be Stephen, Lisa, and Candice. Miguel wishes them luck.

They sit down with the judges. Stephen is embarrassed. Not because he made bad food, of course. He just doesn't want to be lumped in with losers like Lisa and Candice. YOU. WERE. THE. THREE. WORST. IN. THIS. COMPETITION. ONE. OF. YOU. WILL. BE. GOING. HOME. Lisa admits to the problems she had with time. Gail points out that it didn't look appetizing at all, and again brings up the overpowering herbs. Jefferson tells Candice her quiche was doomed from the start. The dough was rubbery. Tom follows up on that point, and Candice apologizes. Tom tells her she doesn't need to apologize, as it's not a personal insult, but that her inexperience is really starting to show. Stephen had clashing, confusing flavors. Gail calls it "almost inedible". He pretty meekly accepts the criticisms, because although he's a tool and a douchebag, he knows who not to mouth off to. They're sent off. Deliberations. Tom nails Stephen as being too wrapped up in the "dogma of cooking". That's exactly it. Just like Santino thought more about making a statement with his clothes than about making actual, wearable garments, Stephen is more interested in arty pretentions of food. Candice's quiche was a mess. Lisa. Herbs. Gail says that all she tasted in Lisa's chicken was the bitter end of rosemary. I hereby announce that if I ever write a play, it shall be entitled "The Bitter End of Rosemary".

Commercials. There's an ad for the French Culinary Institute, and I could almost swear Miguel is in it. Isn't he a hotel chef? What's up with that?

The bottom three are called back in. Tom pretends to have a little tantrum in which he wishes he could send all three of them home. It's made to look like he's in an angry mood, but you can sort of tell that he's been planning that speech for a while. The judges are disappointed, and Tom tells them that they can't blame any of their failings on the microwave, since other chefs did quite well with it. Tom, would you like to point out where any of these people tried to blame the microwave? No? Maybe that's because it NEVER HAPPENED. KatieBot wraps it up. THE. DECISION. TONIGHT. WAS. UNANIMOUS. CANDICE. PLEASE. PACK. YOUR. KNIVES. AND. GO. She thanks the judges for the opportunity. All three of the chefs head back to the Kitchen. She tearfully bids the other chefs goodbye, and they all give her a heartfelt "awwww", because they were all hoping it'd be Stephen to get cut. Even Stephen apologizes for the way he's treated her. That had to be hard for him, though I'll point out he made sure to sit on that apology until she got canned. She interviews that she's proud of herself for making it this far, and that she can "finally be comfortable now, being Candice". Because she was such a shy violet? Well, I'm glad she made herself more likable before she went. I'm sure she finds great comfort in that.

Next week on Top Chef: Yeah, you know what? I'm sick of watching these previews that obviously give away who's going to wind up at the winners'/losers' table. I don't like spoilers, so I'm not going to watch the previews anymore.

Overall Grade: B