Blind Confusion

Top Chef - Season 1, Episode 5

Previously on Top Chef: Andrea was reinstated into the competition, which made Stephen unhappy, because if there's one thing he likes to do, it's burn bridges. The chefs were asked to create a dish that would taste good when reheated in the microwave. Huh, looks like the show forgot about that whole section where their guest judge was a pompous ass. Interesting. Stephen was condescending to some upper crust women, which did not sit well. Nor did his tamale. I know I ragged on Gail last week, but her horrified look at Stephen's presentation really was priceless. Everyone loved Andrea's poop-inducing creation. Candice's quiche failed to impress. Lisa wasn't "on top of her game". Tally mark! At the judges' table, Stephen and Lisa got yelled at, but it was Candice who got herself ejected. Eight chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

San Francisco. IHOF. Miguel snoozes. Andrea does yoga. Lisa is disappointed in her performance in the previous challenges, and wants to bounce back. Andrea says that Stephen pretty much ignores her now. It looks like that since her elimination, he treats her like a ghost that's haunting the Kitchen. A ghost that found herself in the top three last week, while he was in the bottom three. Stephen interviews that the competition is "dwelling" down. Hahaha. Yes, Stephen is all about class and sophistication, but doesn't know the word "dwindling". Lee Anne continues to taunt me by wearing that goddamn tan newsboy cap. Everyone leaves the IHOF, and we get very significant shots of the car they take. Subtle. Cut me a check, and I'll consider mentioning what brand.

Quickfire. Everyone wanders into the Kitchen. KatieBot introduces this week's guest judge, who will hopefully not be a complete fuckwad. His name is Mike Yakura, and he owns a restaurant that fuses French and Asian styles of cooking. Sounds good. The Quickfire this week is pretty cool. Each chef will have five minutes to identify twenty mystery ingredients. Not only that, but the chefs will be blindfolded. Awesome. Everyone's nervous. On first viewing, I thought Lisa said she was going to "take" the challenge, but what she actually said is that she's going to "tank" it. Heh. Those are two very different statements. The only person who seems semi-confident is Andrea. Oh, and Stephen of course, because he's "always in the top three percentile of whatever [he does]". Well, he's certainly in the top three percent of people who misuse words in a desperate attempt to appear smart. I'll bet he's one of those goons who uses the word "whom" all the time, even if it's incorrect.

Lee Anne's up first. OK, these ingredients are not things like oregano or jalapeno. You know, things you can actually identify. These are tough. You could wave them in front of my face for half an hour, and I still wouldn't know what a lot of them are. A sampling: longan (a Chinese tropical fruit), tamarind (tropical tree fruit), hibiscus (flower extract), agave (sweetener), konnyaku (Japanese potato), etc. I've never even heard of some of these things. The only one we see Lee Anne get correct is the tamarind. She interviews that the chefs are not allowed to speak once they return from their challenge. Now, there's a bunch of intercut scenes with the rest of the chefs. We see the other ingredients. Nopal (cactus), kampyo (dried gourd), chili paste (one of the few things not needing an explanation), durian (Asian fruits), nato (fermented soybeans), umeboshi (a plum), ghee (clarified butter), etc. Andrea seems to do fairly well, even as she gags on the things she doesn't like. Hehehe. Other chefs are hit and miss. Stephen identifies the ghee and curry paste. Dave gets the nopal and tamarind. Harold and Lisa get the chili paste. Everyone talks about how humbling the challenge was. Dave says that if it had been a blindfolded junk food challenge, he'd have gotten them all. I'm equally confident in that arena, but then, I've seen the rest of this episode, so I'll shut my fat yap.

Everyone gathers for the results. Mike commends them, given the difficulty of the challenge. Tiffani and Miguel, who you'll remember have consistently been frontrunners in this competition, have each only gotten one right. Ouch. Four people got three right: Harold, Lee Anne, Stephen, and Lisa. So much for being in the top three "percentile", Stephen. The winner only got four right. But that's enough. And that winner is... Andrea. That makes sense. She does seem to be the most familiar with unusual things like Asian fruits and such. I guess that means Dave got two right. I also have to say that I am grinning with delight at the fact that Andrea, who a lot of people had completely written off, just kicked their asses, and is immune from elimination. Dave is pleased. Stephen has a smarmy interview. I'm just going to call them smarmerviews from now on.

KatieBot begins to explain this week's Elimination Challenge, which will test the chefs' ability to fuse two culinary cultures. MIKE. DO. YOU. WANT. TO. SHOW. EVERYBODY. THEIR. NEW. RESTAURANT? Mike exits for a moment, and returns with a street vendor cart. Yes, it's street food. Lee Anne's excited about it. Lisa isn't. Hey, where's the normal Harold interview in which he says how above this challenge he is because he's a restaurant chef? He must not be feeling well. KatieBot says that each of the fusion dishes will be a mix of Latin food and something else. Everyone has to draw knives to find what culture they'll be representing. Turns out there are two of each one, so that means people will have partners. Everyone draws a knife and pairs up. Dave and Tiffani. Harold and Lisa. Miguel and Andrea. Lee Anne and Stephen. Ooh, my favorite and my least favorite together. Twisted. Lee Anne's interview is very diplomatic. "I got partnered with Stephen. Personality-wise, I don't necessarily agree with Stephen on some of his opinions, and the way he chooses to voice them." That is by far the nicest way of calling someone an arrogant dickhead I've seen on reality TV. You go, Lee Anne. She and Stephen have to fuse Latin/Chinese. Ooh, she'll be good at that. Tiffani and Dave have Latin/Moroccan. Lisa and Harold have Latin/Japanese. Miguel and Andrea have Latin/Indian, so I'm guessing their food will put you to sleep fourteen seconds after you ingest it. Andrea already has ideas about what to do. The food will be given out free to the public, and the chefs will have the afternoon to shop for ingredients. Then, two hours in the morning before taking the food to the Mission district of San Francisco, which has a lot of Latin citizens.

Commercials. You know what really keeps a marriage alive? Crinkle-cut French fries.

Evening. Each team has been given $200 and 1 hour to shop at each location. They work on food ideas in their [---] cars. Still waiting for my check, here. Lee Anne and Stephen are discussing possible dishes, and not doing a bad job of communicating. True, you should expect two adults to be able to have a mature exchange of ideas, but let's not forget that one of these people is Stephen, so I guess we need to credit him when he's able to walk away from a conversation without a haughty snort. Everyone will be shopping in their specialty shops first, then will meet up together at the Latin food market. Stephen smarmerviews that he only has experience with four-star dining; not street food. He and Lee Anne don't seem to have any difficulty picking out their Chinese ingredients. In the Tiffani and Dave car, there's a pretty telling display of their personalities. Tiffani fires rapid questions at Dave (who begins to give his usual equivocal answers), then interrupts him before he can finish anything he's saying. I'm not necessarily insulting them. Bossy people and doormats can work together quite well. They pick up their Moroccan ingredients, including a jaunty little fez for Dave that cracks Tiffani up. I'm starting to warm back up to her again. We'll see how long it lasts. In Miguel and Andrea's car, they talk about various ideas, but it appears that Andrea's really the one taking point on this one. She suggests an Indian spice/lentil burrito. Miguel doesn't have a problem with acceding to all her requests. A similar dynamic is shaping up between Lisa and Harold, as they shop for their Japanese ingredients. Lisa defers to Harold's ideas, since he has more experience in this area. They seem to really like one another, which makes me ridiculously happy for some reason.

Later, at the Latin market, all eight chefs shop for more ingredients. Tiffani interviews that since everyone was all crammed in together, if you see something you want, you have to grab it immediately. She gets all fake intense about it, and it's actually really cute. What is this soft spot I have for all these people tonight? Well, except Stephen. Good to know I'm not entirely off form. Miguel's fluent Spanish comes in handy when ordering meat from the resident butcher. Stephen has a lot more trouble communicating with him. Well, sure. He can barely speak English, let alone Spanish. Miguel interrupts in Spanish, though I can't tell if it's to help convey what Stephen's saying or to just bait Stephen into getting aggravated. Lee Anne narrates all this for us with devious glee. Everyone checks out and goes home.

IHOF. Everyone's goofing around. Miguel has his Fat Bastard wig on. Most people are holding a bottle with some kind of giggle juice in it. They decide to actually throw together the challenge that Dave was talking about earlier: identifying junk food while blindfolded. Oh, sweet. Dave and Miguel will be the contenders. Tiffani and Lee Anne prepare the samples. Lee Anne introduces the challenge, doing a pretty funny imitation of KatieBot. It's no Timpression, but what is? Ready? GO! Miguel's up first. Whoppers. Ding! Pork & Beans. Ding! He's already doing better than the other challenge. Lucky Charms. Ding! KC Masterpiece BBQ Sauce. Ding! I think that one's a bit fishy, since I think they sponsor the show, but whatever. Cold pizza. Bzzzt! How do you miss that? Come on! Dave's blindfolded. Chocolate donut. Bzzzt! Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing. Ding! Whoppers. Ding! Doritos. Ding! Time's up. Hey, where's Lisa? She doesn't seem to be present for this. Did she go to bed already? Lee Anne drags out announcing the winner for as long as she can. Hmm, who else do we know that does that, BRAVO? The winner of the Fatass Snackmaster Challenge is... Miguel. Lee Anne refers to him as Miguel "Don't Touch My Mayonnaise" Morales. Hahaha. He asks Dave to share the honors with him. That whole segment was totally hilarious.

Morning. Lee Anne and Lisa are cooking something. How cool would it be to live in a house of chefs? Well, living with them would probably suck, but at least mealtimes would be something to look forward to. Lisa is confident about the upcoming challenge, and doesn't want to let Harold down. Miguel's excited about getting out onto the street. Everyone heads to the Kitchen. It looks like they walk there from the IHOF. They've got two hours to get everything ready. Tiffani has pulled her hair into twin braid pigtails. Aw. We finally get to see what the teams will be offering. Lee Anne and Stephen will have char siu pork and pickled Asian slaw as the Chinese half of their dish, and avocado cream on a sope tart shell as the Latin half. Sounds good, though I'm generally not a fan of any slaw. They're also making a lychee verhito (a virgin mohito) to drink. Harold and Lisa are making seared tuna with daikon sprouts (Japanese) with a jicama and avocado salad (Latin). Hmm. Now, you'll find no greater champion for seared tuna or sushi than I. Still, undercooked fish? As street food? I don't know about that. Tiffani and Dave are serving curry pork with stone fruit chutney (Moroccan), and flour gorditas with pickled carrots and red onion (Latin). Basically, it's a new spin on a Cuban sandwich. Tiffani says she tries to be very mellow when she cooks, while Dave is a whirling mass of chaos. Andrea and Miguel are making masala chicken burrito with spiced lentils (Indian) in a flour tortilla with Spanish rice (Latin). Sounds tasty. Andrea says that Miguel is very competitive, while she is very non-competitive, so they're like yin and yang. It's not apparent whether she thinks that's a benefit or detriment.

With thirty minutes left, Tom checks in. He tells us that because Andrea has immunity, it's a little odd for Miguel to let her have all the control, since he'll be the one to go if they lose. He asks Harold if he planned for his tuna to be so rare, and comments on their jicama salad as well. Lee Anne slips him a piece of pork, then laughs at him when it's too hot to chew. Hehehe. Two moments whiz by, but seem pretty important on second viewing. Lisa asks Harold if he's packed the jicama, and he seems not to have heard her. Miguel thanks Andrea for working so hard, since she could have slacked due to her immunity. She warmly tells him that she wouldn't do that, because they're a team. Harold and Lisa finish early, and are fairly cocky about their chances. Everyone packs up as time runs out.

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Everyone wheels their carts into the Mission district. I don't think I saw this section of San Francisco when I visited. Harold is wearing Dave's rising sun headband. Good, for once it actually makes sense. Andrea describes the area as being full of Latin people and homeless people. Ah. Lee Anne's not happy with their cart placement. As Harold and Lisa set up, they discover that they've left the jicama behind. Normally, I'd understand, because there's always such a mad dash to get ready. But they were done early. You can bet if I finished a task early, I'd quadruple-check that I've got everything I need. Someone (Lisa) finally describes jicama. Thank you. I've never heard of it, and was wondering. She defines it as a apply-turnip-potatoey thing that's crunchy, and somewhat sweet. OK, then. She and Harold make "we're screwed" faces. Andrea and Miguel dish out their stuff. Andrea's found a bindi to wear. They've also made some tamarind punch. Man, I'm thirsty. I'll be right back. OK. My Diet Rite White Grape soda is no tamarind punch, but it'll do. Tiffani and Dave have a line waiting from the moment they open their stand. It must be the fez. Dave says that they actually had a Middle Eastern customer who said that they flavors reminded her of home. Dave works the crowd, while Tiffani assembles the sandwiches. Looks like they're really working well together. Lee Anne and Stephen are less so. Stephen's wearing a full-on suit. To "sell" street food. He has trouble relating to the people on the street. Please try to contain your shock. Lee Anne makes the best of the situation that she can. She interviews that people seemed to be frightened of him. "He is very white," she grins. I love her. Back at Harold and Lisa's cart, they remake their salad with all the ingredients they did bring along. They seem to have a bit of trouble convincing people to take it.

The judges do their walkthrough. Lee Anne and Stephen present the judges with their dish. Stephen interviews (yes INTERviews - he's refreshingly normal in this one) that their plan was to class up the idea of street food a bit. The judges really like it. Andrea and Miguel are less impressive. Their food has to be served on a plate with a fork and knife. That, added to the tamarind punch, makes their dish hard to eat on the street. One of the judges also comments that their rice is a touch bland. The judges don't really comment on Dave and Tiffani's sandwich, but Dave is happy that they've managed to seamlessly marry the two cultures' flavors. Harold and Lisa give the judges their revised salad. Tom says that something's missing, and realizes that they don't have the jicama. Harold and Lisa cop to forgetting it. Tom immediately asks who should be assigned blame for it. Harold tries to volunteer, but Lisa says it's really because of both of them. Gail says that the jicama would have really brought the salad together.

Sidebar. I really liked this episode. A lot. But this little section is a steaming pile of unfair bullshit. This is why Tom shouldn't be allowed to check in with the chefs during the process of their cooking if he's going to be judging it later. It's impossible for him to be impartial. Do you honestly believe that the judges would be like "You know what this salad could use? Jicama!" if they didn't know that it was planned for some stage? No way. The judges' job is to evaluate the final product. If they don't like Harold and Lisa's salad because the fish was too rare or because the avocado was sour or whatever, that's fine. But to punish them for a misstep that the judges shouldn't even be aware of is over the line. It'd be like if I dropped a plate of cookies I intend to serve my guests. As long as I only serve the ones that never hit the floor, the guests have no reason to know about the mishap. Plus, don't you love the fact that Tom's first response to learning that the jicama isn't there is figuring out who to point the finger at so he can shred them later? Ass.

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We come back to the Mission Cultural Center. It is painted all over in bright colors, and is perhaps the coolest building interior I've seen in a long time. This is where the judges' table will be set up this week. The judges rehash the challenge. They think picking a winner and loser will be more difficult this week. Mike liked the flavor of Miguel and Andrea's, but is unimpressed with their creativity, calling their dish an inside-out burrito. Dave and Tiffani had a good idea of portability with their sandwiches, plus there was a nice blend of cool and hot flavors. Mike thinks that Harold and Lisa's salad didn't really work as street food, because you need a bowl and utensil to eat it. Fair point. Lee Anne and Stephen fused the two cultures' flavors well. The chefs wait in another room. KatieBot enters and asks Dave, Tiffani, Stephen, and Lee Anne to join the judges. Everyone immediately knows if they're considered good or bad this week. They need to shake up this format. Miguel and Andrea are surprised. Tom tells the top two teams that these two dishes may be the strongest two of the entire competition so far. They're complimented along the same lines as the previous deliberations. Mike tells Lee Anne and Stephen that he's going to steal their drink to serve in his own restaurant. Heh. He also loved their pork. Check that, he actually "fucking loves it". I like to see an enthusiastic judge. The winners of the challenge are Dave and Tiffani. They shake hands, and are very happy for the win. They go back to the other room, and Dave calls in everyone else by name. Um, I think you can just say that the judges want to see all of them. Lisa congratulates Dave and Tiffani on their win. Tiffani wishes the loser teams luck.

We start out with the jicama bullshit. As predicted, Tom can't wait to get to the blaming. He says the last person he saw with the jicama was Lisa. She accepts responsibility for it. I have to keep track of the times that these chefs show remarkable class, which not only makes all the defensive, abrasive contestants on other reality shows look pretty deplorable, it does the same for the attacking judges here. It's actually a very refreshing change to see people in a competition act this way. Anyway, Lisa accepting jicama blame (especially when it shouldn't even be an issue) - one point. The judges bring up the fact that it wasn't really street food, and Harold plays it off by saying it was a way of showcasing something new. Mike thinks their salad was forgettable. Tom tries again to force the chefs into being jerks by asking them who should go home if their team loses. He's shot down immediately. Lisa says "me". She says that this is her third trip to the losers' table. One point. She adds that she's the only non-professional chef at this point. Harold jumps in to say that she is, indeed, a professional and not to sell herself short. One point. She points out that she's not classically trained like everyone else. Tom says that he'd love to eat at her house if he's ever in LA. She says she'd love to have him. I'll give that another point.

They turn to Andrea and Miguel. Harold and Lisa had to use a fork. Andrea and Miguel didn't, but chose to. That, added to the drink, made their dish overcomplicated. Mike says "It's a fucking burrito. You just put shit inside of it, and roll it up". Dude, I curse a lot too, but dial it down a notch. Interestingly, Miguel says that the open face was Andrea's idea, so that she could leave it up to the patrons. This scene is played as if Miguel just threw Andrea to the wolves, but he may have meant it as a compliment; that Andrea was trying to provide some options to the customer so that more people would be happy. Andrea does take it as an attack, but takes it magnanimously, interviewing about how important this is to Miguel, so she understands that he has to cast the blame onto her if he has any chance of survival. One point. Tom says that he doesn't understand Miguel's reasoning in putting all his faith in someone who has immunity and who's already been eliminated once. For fuck's sake, Tom, are you going to play the double-argument card again? No. You can eliminate Andrea, then refer to her as not having what it takes. You can reinstate Andrea, and treat her as any other normal contestant. But not both. It is completely unjust to say that Andrea's welcome back into the competition, but has to wear some sort of scarlet E on her chest for the rest of the show. Also, it seems painfully clear that Andrea didn't manipulate Miguel into trusting her so that she could intentionally sink her team and get him kicked off. The judges just look like complete idiots right now, which doesn't give me a lot of faith in their ability to competently pick winners and losers. Andrea says that if anything she did has endangered Miguel's ability to stay in the competition, she'd like to offer him her immunity. Fifty billion points. Miguel whips his head around, and has the good grace to look a little ashamed. The judges don't go for that, though, so they dismiss the chefs, saying that Harold, Lisa, and Miguel will be the only ones up for elimination.

Further deliberations. Harold didn't stick to the challenge's parameters. Lisa isn't mean enough to be a successful chef. That's really what they just sort of said. I'm not even going to start deconstructing what's wrong with that idea. Suffice it to say that I think it's crap. Miguel and Andrea's burrito was a lazy idea. Miguel should have taken control of his team, or whatever. The judges reach a decision.

Commercials. Here, kids. Why not have a tasty mouthful of disinfectant for lunch?

The bottom three are called back in. Tom tells Harold that he thinks he goes into challenges with a preconceived notion of what he wants to do, which hurts his creativity. OK, I'll buy that. Lisa's a good cook, but lacks "killer instinct". Miguel painted himself into a corner by trusting stupid, immune, previously-eliminated Andrea. LISA. PLEASE. PACK. YOUR. KNIVES. AND. GO. Yeah, I had a feeling it'd be her. And honestly, overall I'd agree with it. She seems like she's more of a woman that likes to cook rather than someone who'd want to get into the intricacies of doing it professionally. That said, the reasoning for cutting her was not cool at all. She thanks the judges and says she's really enjoyed the experience. Aw. She repeats her invitation for Tom to come over to dinner sometime. One hundred billion points. They head back to the other room, and Lisa hugs everyone goodbye. Dave tears up, and interviews about her integrity. Tiffani's shocked. Lisa tells them all that they're all special and have a great heart. Once she leaves the room, Harold falls apart. He interviews that they've lost the mom of the house, and that he feels partly responsible for her loss. He's angry and clearly blinking back tears. "It's the nature of the game we're playing, guys," Miguel says. That's true, but I also think he's trying to expunge a little Andrea-blaming guilt of his own. Lisa's final interview is that her motivation for coming is to see how she stacks up against professional chefs, and that the experience she's gotten is richer than any amount of money. You can tell she means it. She's an awesome lady, and I cannot believe that I am starting to cry. Stupid Top Chef.

Overall Grade: A-