America's Next Top Model - Season 7, Episode 1
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Geez, what drug addled your memory? It was five minutes ago! Thirty-three girls came to Los Angeles for a teaspoon of fame, and twenty of them discovered that they're too plain even for this show. Ouch.
Los Angeles. The girls walk down Hollywood Boulevard, peering at the stars on the sidewalk. I don't know, I pretty much stopped considering those stars as some sort of talent benchmark the day I heard Britney Spears has one. They walk into a large room with a runway, where Miss J awaits them. Yep, we're diving right into the first challenge. Miss J introduces the guys behind Elmer Ave, a Los Angeles design team. Ugh. You just need to catch one glimpse of them to know exactly what they and their clothes are like; it's basically a fashion design team made up of four Jeffreys. Feh. Then the stage is stormed by a bunch of ugly male models. Sorry to be so harsh, but there are thirteen guys up there, and maybe two of them are bordering on cute. One of the Elmer guys tells the girls what their challenge will be. On his word, they have to snag a male model of their choosing, take his clothes, and wear them down the runway, trying to feminize them as much as possible. Hey, not a bad idea. It'd be better if the clothes weren't essentially unisex anyway, but whatever. Elmer says go, and the girls stampede. Melrose interviews that a lot of the girls were trying to select hot models, but that she was concentrating on the clothes. Megg yells some more, and it looks like my prediction that I'll be telling her to shut up a lot is going to come true even sooner than I expected.
The impromptu runway shows begins. Since every piece of the clothing is ugly to the exact same degree, there's really nothing to focus on but the girls. They go alphabetically. AJ rocks it out. I think she may be my favorite at this early stage. Amanda is boring. Anchal seems fine, but interviews that she really only needs to work on two things: her confidence and her body. Um. That's a bit like saying that you've got walking down, but just need to work on two things: when your left foot moves, and when your right foot moves. Anchal's a bit of a mystery to me. Brooke is competent. Caridee looks freaking ridiculous. Christian tells us she "rules the runway". Only if the runway is a kingdom where everyone strikes awkwardly dumb poses. Eugena isn't very good. Jaeda apparently hopes that by not wearing pants, nobody will look at her face. Megan isn't very good. Megg gets to the end of the runway and whips her hair around, because she's so HARDCORE. She's not even speaking, and I still desperately want her to shut up. Melrose is confident. She has a really horrible walk. Michelle sucks. Monique is fine. Wow, that's it? There are no girls past the letter M in the competition? Odd. The Elmer guys decide the winner, and since I have no respect for their taste in clothing, I don't know why I'm so surprised when I have no respect for their choice of winner, either. It's Melrose. She's won a prize that she won't find out about until later.
When the girls walk out, they're met by a Monster Escalade. I guess the Monster Humvee retired. The girls squeal when they see it. Squeal when they get into it. Squeal when they discover Tyra Mail with their house key inside. Squeal when they get out of the car. The poor driver looks like he's about to shoot out his eardrums with a nail gun. The model pad is swank, as usual, with its swimming pool and jacuzzi. I'm particularly impressed by the spacious, wood-paneled kitchen. That room is pretty. It's also almost literally the only room in the house without giant pictures of Tyra plastered everywhere. I wonder if Tyra's ego will ever get so big that it pops. There's even a letter from Tyra blown up to poster size that we hear in voiceover. The entire point of the letter is to encourage girls to shit-talk each other in the confessional, but what's really funny is that it's signed with XOXO at the end. I was always given to understand that XO meant hugs and kisses, but Tyra insists on pronouncing each letter, like she's reading off a Tic-Tac-Toe board. The girls love the house. AJ strips down and jumps into the pool. Brooke runs for the confessional to make a fake phone call about how excited she is. Hmm. Brooke seems like a pretty unobjectionable girl so far. But between this and the "rapping" last hour, I think someone told her once upon a time that she's funny, and she's really...not.
There are only eleven beds for thirteen girls, and Brooke tells us that she and Christian got hosed. It looks like they get some sort of shaggy sofa to sleep on. Meanwhile, Monique moves all of Eugena's stuff off of a bed, and replaces it with her own stuff. She then pours a little bit of water on the comforter to "mark her territory". Nice of her to use that phrase. Now I don't even have to make a "bitch" joke! Needless to say, Eugena is not pleased when she returns to discover that her bed has been poached. Monique pretends she has pissed on the sheets, which Eugena doesn't buy for a second. She actually makes a far smaller deal out of it than I would have in the same situation. She and Monique have a little spat, but Monique snots that she's going to stay right where she is, in the bed under a poster of Tyra. Except that all the beds have a poster of Tyra over them. And shouldn't both Eugena and Monique have beds anyway? I thought Brooke and Christian were the bedless ones. Anyhow, the point is that Eugena meekly goes to sleep on the shaggy sofa, instead of waiting until Monique's back was turned and throwing all her stuff into the pool, which is what I wish had happened. Monique smarmerviews that she "deserves" a bed, just as she "deserved" to be in the competition. Seems to me the only thing Monique deserves is an angry cobra shoved down her blouse, but I'd be more than willing to give her a Purple Heart if it meant she'd just go the fuck away. I hope that fight for her bed was worth $100,000 to her, since with that little tantrum, she just pissed away any chance she'd win this season.
The bedroom isn't the only center of drama at the moment. Melrose is trying to set up some house rules involving doing the dishes in the kitchen, and the other girls don't appreciate her acting like their mommy. Of course, she's not really demanding anything outlandish, and the kitchen almost immediately becomes completely encrusted with grimy-ass dishes, so maybe Melrose has a more valid point than the show would like us to believe. But I'm sure that'll be the last time this hour that Melrose is made out to be bitchier than she really is. The dishes aren't the only mess these girls have made. The bathtub has a disgusting ring, and there are about three overflowing trashcans. They've been there two days! I don't think Motley Crue could trash a place this fast. The next day, Melrose calls another house meeting, this time to discuss when people are going to take their showers. She asks if they all can try to keep them short out of respect for everyone else. Oh my God, what a snatch! I'll give you one guess who has problems with the whole respect-for-others idea. Yes, once again, Monique loudly refuses to do anything that would cause even partial inconvenience. But I shouldn't be too hard on her. She does, after all, "deserve" a longer shower than everyone else.
Tyra Mail! This season's mail doesn't come in plain old envelopes. No, the Tyra Mail is too swank for that now, so it's inserted into a fake glossy magazine. Oh, Tyra. You're so classy. The Tyra Mail reads "People think models are stupid, anorexic, drug-addled bitches. Are YOU?" The fact that the editors don't immediately cut to a shot of Monique is dropping this episode's grade by a half-letter. The girls discuss the mail, but have no idea what it could mean. A voice I can't quite identify self-righteously denies being anorexic. She doesn't refute the "stupid, drug-addled bitches" part.
The Monster Escalade drops the girls at their photo shoot. Tyra comes out and pretends to be a screaming diva, calling the girls bitches no less than five times. It'd be funnier if it didn't go on and on and on and on and on. And on. After she finally wraps up her tantrum, OJ emerges and tells the girls that Tyra really isn't like that at all; she was just embodying the stereotypes that people assign to models. Heh. Nice how Tyra can't even let people see her being an obviously fake jerk without having one of her minions come out to justify it. OJ tells the girls that this photo shoot will be the most controversial one in ANTM history, but we're forced to spend the commercial break on the edge of our seats, wondering what it could be. When we return, OJ reveals that the girls will be made up to look like different model stereotypes. Oh, sweet Jesus! How controversial! Someone fetch my smelling salts! He gives each of them their specific stereotype, and tells Melrose that her prize for winning the earlier challenge is that she gets to be a diva-for-a-day, which seems to entail a quick massage and having a personal assistant for ten minutes.
The girls go into hair and makeup, and we begin the shoot. Monique's stereotype is that she's throwing her cell phone at her assistant. Hahahahaha! That is the closest Tyra's ever come to openly insulting another professional model. Take that, Naomi! Monique sucks. She alternates between giving the exact same boring model pose, and scowling at the camera like it just stole her parking space at K-Mart. The woman who wordlessly plays her cowering assistant looks way better. Caridee's stereotype is the dumb blonde, which she plays to the hilt. Not that she's good at it because she's actually a dumb blonde or anything. Heaven forfend. Speaking of playing to type, Megg's stereotype is a strung-out, drunken drug addict. She always looks like that! Eugena's stereotype is a black model that the industry wants to portray as white. That's a stereotype? Whatever. She does quite a good job. Megan's is the diva-with-a-lapdog. Yeah, that's just a stereotype. That never really happens! And the lapdog's name is Tyra Banks, because it's been nearly four minutes since we've seen or heard anything about her, and we can't have that. Megan does a great job. Anchal is the "narcissistic model", and now there's curiously no mention of Tyra at all. Anchal seems to do fine, but is still a little shaky in her confidence.
Christian is the "model turned actress". She gives the exact same pose twenty times in a row. Zzzzz. Brooke is the "backstabbing bitch". I love that her photo is her pulling another girl's hair and pretending to shove her down the stairs. She has fun playing Mean Girl. AJ is on the "casting couch". She looks awesome, especially considering she has to spend the shoot straddling a somewhat slimy-looking guy. Jaeda is the model who "gets a lot of plastic surgery". Too bad they can't really do a little work on her, because her fug is like whoa. She just lays there like a corpse the whole time. Michelle is the "bulimic model", while her sister Amanda is the "anorexic model". I guess this is supposed to be the controversial part. Looks to me like they're simultaneously shunning and glorifying eating disorders, but I don't really take this show very seriously, so I'm not going to write my congressman or anything. Both Michelle and Amanda do excellent jobs.
And finally, Melrose. After having a personal assistant (of whom she asked for a cup of hot water, and that's about it) and a massage, Melrose is called to the set. But her stereotype of "diva who won't get out of bed for less than $10,000 a day" has apparently gripped her brain, because she's not there. What sort of shocking, prissy, Lindsay Lohanesque behavior is she indulging in? She's having her makeup retouched, because it got smudged during her massage. OH. MY. GOD. What a fucking bitch. When she makes it to the set all of ten minutes late, OJ asks what the holdup was. She tells him, and he interprets her perfectly reasonable excuse as a snotty attitude. Funny, when OJ himself is about the snottiest snot that ever snotted a snot. She tries to put on a haughty face in her photo, which OJ calls "bad acting" after every single shot. I hate OJ so, so much. Having sufficiently beaten Melrose down, he ends the shoot, and she flees to cry in the bathroom. I officially apologize for calling her a bitch in the first half of the episode. I try not to be taken in too much by editing, but it seems we've got another case of Cassandra (that is, the editors trying to create a bitch where none exists) on our hands. Watch, now that I've said that, she'll punch Megan in the nose next week.
Back at the model pad, new Tyra Mail awaits. Time to eliminate someone! Melrose says she's been "humbled" by the photo shoot experience, but what she should really be humbled by is the stupid, pink, Punky Brewster lookin' hat she's wearing. The girls walk into a new Chamber of Doom. It is way too bright, and the alternating blue and silver panels make it look like the bridge of the Enterprise. After showing it off, Tyra outlines the grand prizes. A contract with Elite models (which Tyra brags about by saying she was with them for a long time -- a couple of years). A cover and six-page spread in Seventeen magazine (which Tyra brags is the first magazine she ever posed for. She also slips in a "When I was 15 in eleventh grade..." hoping we'll be impressed by how smart she is). And finally, a contract with Cover Girl cosmetics worth $100,000. Curiously, Tyra doesn't insert some bragging comment here. Maybe she needs to catch her breath. No surprise judges this season, as Nigel, Miss J, and Twiggy are all present and accounted for. Twiggy looks good! You'd never know she was dead.
Time for evaluations. The judges say Megan's photo is great, except when she tilts her head a certain way, her nose can look a bit piggy. They tell Monique she looks crazy in her shot, which is true. Caridee was good at being the dumb blonde, but struck very "modely" poses. I understand where the judges are coming from, but what else is she supposed to do? Pick her nose? Tyra tells Anchal that she's almost "too pretty". Her shot looks great, and I'm glad they made her take out those ridiculous blue contacts. Tyra asks Nigel to explain to Anchal that individuality can be beautiful, because he's part Indian as well. It's nice to see Anchal gain a bit of confidence in her natural beauty, but I'm warning Tyra and Nigel right now that I'm going to have limited sympathy for the confidence problems of good-looking people. Tyra rearranges Megg's outfit so she doesn't look so terrible at judging. Her shot makes her look too strung out. I can't imagine how the girl who desperately wants everyone to see how HARDCORE she is overreacted to this shoot. Amanda's anorexic shot is haunting, but her face is a bit anxious, which she attributes to having all the girls watching her photo session. Michelle's bulimic shot is scarily good. It's kind of disturbing.
The judges make Melrose take off her ugly blazer and put her hair in a ponytail. Miss J tells her that she photographs "old", and Tyra reads off all the complaints about her "attitude" that OJ had noted. Shut up, Tyra. And fire OJ. He's ugly, incompetent, a horrible shill, and a giant asshole. Melrose apologizes and says that it'll never happen again. Brooke's shot makes her look too angry, as if she forgot she's still supposed to look pretty. Don't you love how the girls who embraced their stereotypes don't look "modely" enough, while the girls who tried to be pretty are too "modely"? You'd almost think a boring girl is going to go home, instead of one who turned in a genuinely bad performance. Nah. I think Eugena looks wonderful, but Twiggy and Tyra find her shot bland. AJ, who seemed so vibrant up until now, is taciturn and nervous in front of the judges. They immediately pounce on it, so that they'll later be able to eliminate her for having no personality. Her shot is great, but her neck is hidden, which makes her look slouchy. She tries to blame the fact that she has a high collar, but Tyra insists on demonstrating good and bad neck poses. Tyra pulls Christian's hair up. Christian can't believe that the Great Tyra Banks is really touching her. The judges don't like her photo. It's really bland, and she didn't offer a variety of poses. Jaeda needs to "bring out her femininity". Bitches, please. Burt Reynolds is more feminine than Jaeda.
The girls are sent off. Deliberations. AJ needs confidence. Jaeda is a man, baby! Eugena is resting on her laurels, whatever that means. Amanda and Michelle really captured the mood of their photos. Megg's eyes are too narrowed in her shot. Anchal is great. Christian bores the shit out of Miss J and Twiggy and Limecrete. I may have added that last bit. Brooke is mediocre. Megan gives off a Kim vibe, but is more feminine. Caridee's stereotype was too easy. Well, you're the ones who gave it to her, freaks. Monique gets a lot of bullshit comments to ensure that they don't have to cut her yet, so she can keep on being a rancid bitch. Melrose flipped out, and looks old. She did not, in any way, shape, or form "flip out".
Elimination. Michelle is safe. Caridee. AJ. Megan. Anchal. Megg. Monique. Amanda. Jaeda. Eugena. Brooke. Would Melrose and Christian please step forward? Melrose threw a bunch of attitude, while Christian is boring. We all know what that means. Melrose gets her picture and collapses on the ground in tears of relief. Christian gets a hug from Tyra and the other girls, and is sent on her way. She has a refreshing exit interview, in which she doesn't pretend not to be crushed. She believes she wanted it more than any other girl in the house. That may be, but she's about as suited to modeling as I am. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Makeover meltdowns! It looks like Jaeda wins the freakout award, which is funny when you realize that she needs the most work. The other girls are finally fed up with Monique, and give the bitch some of her own medicine.
Overall Grade: B
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
The Girl Who Marks Her Territory, Part 1
America's Next Top Model - Season 7 Casting Special
After two cycles of not being able to fully recap ANTM (either because of time commitments or because the show's quality slid down into a cesspool of suck), I've decided to not even attempt it this time. Still, the siren song of Tyra's bitches calls out to me, so I thought I'd least take a stab at putting mini-recaps up. I know the future me, looking back sixty years from now, will appreciate being able to say "Oh, yeah. I remember what a dumb skank Cyndel was. Heh heh heh. Pass the prunes."
So, we're back for Cycle 7! Whee! These girls just keep getting homelier and homelier. In a couple of cycles, they'll be those toothless women who argue endlessly with the cashier at the ghetto supermarket near my apartment. We start off with thirty-three girls, and while it would be deliciously wonderful to make them all share the model pad, we're going to have to whittle them down to the usual thirteen. We meet some of the hopefuls at the airport. Melrose is fairly pretty and fairly bitchy, so we know she'll be making it. Amanda and Michelle are twins. But I'm sure they'll be the only hopefuls who try to use some sort of hook to get into the competition. There's a surprise waiting for the girls when they land at the Los Angeles airport; Miss J in full...regalia, waiting to lead them outside and have them pose for a photographer. Ooh, cruel idea. I love it. I look like hell after I've been traveling. We only see a few of them get their picture taken, but they seem to do pretty well.
All of the girls wind up at some hotel or other, and are greeted by those tiresome twins from the last cycle, who seem to make their entire living out of spinning in circles. No, really. Their job is to show people what bored seven-year-olds have been doing to amuse themselves since cavemen days. Sigh. Tyra appears from behind them, and the girls squeal as always. The twins vanish for the rest of the episode. So they twirled for fourteen seconds on a television show. I bet they make more in a year than I'll make in my life. Sigh. We go into the panel interviews with Tyra and the Jays, and meet more of the girls. Caridee "doesn't care what anyone thinks of [her]". That may surprise you, given that Caridee will spend the rest of the hour trying to scrounge attention and approval from anyone unlucky enough to cross her path, but whatever. Anchal is an Indian-American who "strongly" identifies with her culture -- except she wears light blue contact lenses to cover her dirty, shameful dark eyes. Sigh. Mortifying as that is for legitimately cultural Indian-American women, at least Anchal doesn't seem as stupefyingly idiotic as Gina was. She's cuter, too. Michelle (one of the twins -- the model twins, not the stupid twirling ones) tells Tyra she used to play basketball in college. She says it as if she were recounting a tale of yore from days long past. Michelle, you're eighteen. You were in college for two months, six weeks ago. Shut up.
More girls come in and humiliate themselves for Tyra and the Jays. Becky is semi-cute. Monique comes in and tells Tyra that she deserves to be in the competition more than the other girls. When asked why, she breaks down into tears as she recounts the horrific story of...being made fun of by her siblings, because her skin's a little darker than theirs. OH, MY GOD!!!! POOR MONIQUE!!!! Come here, you poor dear. Let me get you a cup a tea. Man, I can't believe people gave all that money and attention to those stupid Katrina victims, when here we have Monique; a genuine survivor. Eugena comes in and tells the judges that she's mean, but "in moderation". Hmm. She does say that she thought Cycle 6 was boring, which makes her my new best friend. Brooke is a white girl who lamely tries to rap and thinks we should be proud of her for dropping out of high school to be on reality television. Yeah, you're a role model, Brooke.
Interstitial scenes wherein the girls stage their own boring walk-off, but at least nobody's fighting about chapstick.
More panel interviews. Megan is asked about a tragedy in her past, and tells the judges about surviving a plane crash, partly because her dying mother covered Megan with her own body. Pfft. You call that a tragedy? Get back to me when your skin's a slightly different shade than your sister's. Evita has two children and a husband in Iraq. All respect to that, of course, but she says it about a zillion times, clearly trying to cash in on sympathy to coast into the model pad. AJ battled cervical cancer. She's a rocker type of girl, and I like her instantly. Cyndel is an entertainer. That is, she entertains people by taking off all of her clothes and jiggling her vagina in their faces. But she's not a stripper, damn it! She's an entertainer. She tells Tyra that stripping is just another form of modeling, and Tyra recoils with disgust. It's fairly awesome.
No matter what you see next, know that I'm not making up any of these names. Jaeda is ugly. Jaslene is fugly. Leangela was abandoned at a young age, and had to live in foster homes, but wound up becoming the first African-American homecoming queen in her town. That's cool. Ginger is our token conservative that the judges like to beat up on for being narrow-minded. She seems pretty harmless. Megg yells a lot, but still manages to be really boring. Some other girls are even more boring, to the point that I couldn't find a single thing about them worth noting.
Time for the first elimination. The girls are cut from thirty-three to twenty-one in the usual stampede fashion. OJ is wearing a sleeveless shirt in the mistaken believe that he is attractive. I always love when Tyra's gargantuan ego peeks through, so the fact that the girls have to find their photo by opening a folder with a giant picture of her face plastered across it amuses me no end. A bunch of girls squeal with joy upon finding their pictures. Wow, Cyndel didn't make the cut. Shocking.
OJ gives the remaining girls access to makeup and a wall of wigs and hair extensions, and tells them they have fifteen minutes to do whatever they like. They do, and some of them are hilariously incompetent at making themselves presentable. After they're finished, OJ tells them that those who chose to use the wigs will have an advantage, because they can use them to artfully cover themselves for their next challenge -- a nude photo shoot. The girls freak out; particularly Ginger.
They go up one by one, with various bits being blurred. Not that I get any sexual charge out this, but I still think it's a bit icky to have girls that turned eighteen about four hours ago running around naked. My straight male friends are going to hunt me down for saying that. If they watched this show. Which they inexplicably don't. Becky yells at another girl for giving her a hard time for not being wild about the shoot. She says, somewhat snottily, that she's going to do it, despite not wanting to. And do it she does. I mean... Yay for Becky, but calm the hell down. Ginger really, really doesn't want to pose nude, but winds up tossing off her towel, allowing the photographer to take two quick shots, then covering up again. One of the other girls says that if Ginger is going to be so inflexible, she should automatically be eliminated. Those two shots notwithstanding? I agree.
That evening, the girls gather so that Tyra can whittle them down to the final thirteen. She does that incredibly annoying thing where she announces that "the next name I am going to call is..." Just give us the names! It's not like they haven't been publicly available on the web for about three weeks! And here we go. Melrose. Duh. Jaeda. Ew, gross. Michelle. Eugena. Brooke. She does another lame rap. She's cute and seems nice, but needs to knock that shit off. Anchal. AJ. Yay! Christian. Who? Oh, she must be one of those girls that's so boring, I didn't even make a note about her panel interview. Megg. I sense a lot of "shut up" will be flying in her direction. Megan. Caridee. Amanda. She's relieved, as is Michelle. Twin competitors. I wonder how they'll handle those eliminations. And the "last name that I'm going to call" is...Monique. Well, sure. After all the hell she's gone through, she surely deserves a spot. Poor, slightly blacker Monique.
Evita is mad, because she made such a sacrifice leaving her two children behind (fatherless, since he's in Iraq, remember? Remember when she said her husband is in Iraq? Because he's there. In Iraq.) to come and compete. Well, you get to go back and take care of them now, so leave, fruitcake. Ginger doesn't think making it into the competition is worth compromising her morals. Hooray for your morals, Ginger, but maybe you should have considered them before applying to be in a competition where it's not exactly unheard of to be nude. Twit. So there are our thirteen! I'm calling Melrose to get third place. The bitch always does. Stick around for the second part of the premiere, so we can see who won't last long enough to cry about her makeover!
Overall Grade: B
After two cycles of not being able to fully recap ANTM (either because of time commitments or because the show's quality slid down into a cesspool of suck), I've decided to not even attempt it this time. Still, the siren song of Tyra's bitches calls out to me, so I thought I'd least take a stab at putting mini-recaps up. I know the future me, looking back sixty years from now, will appreciate being able to say "Oh, yeah. I remember what a dumb skank Cyndel was. Heh heh heh. Pass the prunes."
So, we're back for Cycle 7! Whee! These girls just keep getting homelier and homelier. In a couple of cycles, they'll be those toothless women who argue endlessly with the cashier at the ghetto supermarket near my apartment. We start off with thirty-three girls, and while it would be deliciously wonderful to make them all share the model pad, we're going to have to whittle them down to the usual thirteen. We meet some of the hopefuls at the airport. Melrose is fairly pretty and fairly bitchy, so we know she'll be making it. Amanda and Michelle are twins. But I'm sure they'll be the only hopefuls who try to use some sort of hook to get into the competition. There's a surprise waiting for the girls when they land at the Los Angeles airport; Miss J in full...regalia, waiting to lead them outside and have them pose for a photographer. Ooh, cruel idea. I love it. I look like hell after I've been traveling. We only see a few of them get their picture taken, but they seem to do pretty well.
All of the girls wind up at some hotel or other, and are greeted by those tiresome twins from the last cycle, who seem to make their entire living out of spinning in circles. No, really. Their job is to show people what bored seven-year-olds have been doing to amuse themselves since cavemen days. Sigh. Tyra appears from behind them, and the girls squeal as always. The twins vanish for the rest of the episode. So they twirled for fourteen seconds on a television show. I bet they make more in a year than I'll make in my life. Sigh. We go into the panel interviews with Tyra and the Jays, and meet more of the girls. Caridee "doesn't care what anyone thinks of [her]". That may surprise you, given that Caridee will spend the rest of the hour trying to scrounge attention and approval from anyone unlucky enough to cross her path, but whatever. Anchal is an Indian-American who "strongly" identifies with her culture -- except she wears light blue contact lenses to cover her dirty, shameful dark eyes. Sigh. Mortifying as that is for legitimately cultural Indian-American women, at least Anchal doesn't seem as stupefyingly idiotic as Gina was. She's cuter, too. Michelle (one of the twins -- the model twins, not the stupid twirling ones) tells Tyra she used to play basketball in college. She says it as if she were recounting a tale of yore from days long past. Michelle, you're eighteen. You were in college for two months, six weeks ago. Shut up.
More girls come in and humiliate themselves for Tyra and the Jays. Becky is semi-cute. Monique comes in and tells Tyra that she deserves to be in the competition more than the other girls. When asked why, she breaks down into tears as she recounts the horrific story of...being made fun of by her siblings, because her skin's a little darker than theirs. OH, MY GOD!!!! POOR MONIQUE!!!! Come here, you poor dear. Let me get you a cup a tea. Man, I can't believe people gave all that money and attention to those stupid Katrina victims, when here we have Monique; a genuine survivor. Eugena comes in and tells the judges that she's mean, but "in moderation". Hmm. She does say that she thought Cycle 6 was boring, which makes her my new best friend. Brooke is a white girl who lamely tries to rap and thinks we should be proud of her for dropping out of high school to be on reality television. Yeah, you're a role model, Brooke.
Interstitial scenes wherein the girls stage their own boring walk-off, but at least nobody's fighting about chapstick.
More panel interviews. Megan is asked about a tragedy in her past, and tells the judges about surviving a plane crash, partly because her dying mother covered Megan with her own body. Pfft. You call that a tragedy? Get back to me when your skin's a slightly different shade than your sister's. Evita has two children and a husband in Iraq. All respect to that, of course, but she says it about a zillion times, clearly trying to cash in on sympathy to coast into the model pad. AJ battled cervical cancer. She's a rocker type of girl, and I like her instantly. Cyndel is an entertainer. That is, she entertains people by taking off all of her clothes and jiggling her vagina in their faces. But she's not a stripper, damn it! She's an entertainer. She tells Tyra that stripping is just another form of modeling, and Tyra recoils with disgust. It's fairly awesome.
No matter what you see next, know that I'm not making up any of these names. Jaeda is ugly. Jaslene is fugly. Leangela was abandoned at a young age, and had to live in foster homes, but wound up becoming the first African-American homecoming queen in her town. That's cool. Ginger is our token conservative that the judges like to beat up on for being narrow-minded. She seems pretty harmless. Megg yells a lot, but still manages to be really boring. Some other girls are even more boring, to the point that I couldn't find a single thing about them worth noting.
Time for the first elimination. The girls are cut from thirty-three to twenty-one in the usual stampede fashion. OJ is wearing a sleeveless shirt in the mistaken believe that he is attractive. I always love when Tyra's gargantuan ego peeks through, so the fact that the girls have to find their photo by opening a folder with a giant picture of her face plastered across it amuses me no end. A bunch of girls squeal with joy upon finding their pictures. Wow, Cyndel didn't make the cut. Shocking.
OJ gives the remaining girls access to makeup and a wall of wigs and hair extensions, and tells them they have fifteen minutes to do whatever they like. They do, and some of them are hilariously incompetent at making themselves presentable. After they're finished, OJ tells them that those who chose to use the wigs will have an advantage, because they can use them to artfully cover themselves for their next challenge -- a nude photo shoot. The girls freak out; particularly Ginger.
They go up one by one, with various bits being blurred. Not that I get any sexual charge out this, but I still think it's a bit icky to have girls that turned eighteen about four hours ago running around naked. My straight male friends are going to hunt me down for saying that. If they watched this show. Which they inexplicably don't. Becky yells at another girl for giving her a hard time for not being wild about the shoot. She says, somewhat snottily, that she's going to do it, despite not wanting to. And do it she does. I mean... Yay for Becky, but calm the hell down. Ginger really, really doesn't want to pose nude, but winds up tossing off her towel, allowing the photographer to take two quick shots, then covering up again. One of the other girls says that if Ginger is going to be so inflexible, she should automatically be eliminated. Those two shots notwithstanding? I agree.
That evening, the girls gather so that Tyra can whittle them down to the final thirteen. She does that incredibly annoying thing where she announces that "the next name I am going to call is..." Just give us the names! It's not like they haven't been publicly available on the web for about three weeks! And here we go. Melrose. Duh. Jaeda. Ew, gross. Michelle. Eugena. Brooke. She does another lame rap. She's cute and seems nice, but needs to knock that shit off. Anchal. AJ. Yay! Christian. Who? Oh, she must be one of those girls that's so boring, I didn't even make a note about her panel interview. Megg. I sense a lot of "shut up" will be flying in her direction. Megan. Caridee. Amanda. She's relieved, as is Michelle. Twin competitors. I wonder how they'll handle those eliminations. And the "last name that I'm going to call" is...Monique. Well, sure. After all the hell she's gone through, she surely deserves a spot. Poor, slightly blacker Monique.
Evita is mad, because she made such a sacrifice leaving her two children behind (fatherless, since he's in Iraq, remember? Remember when she said her husband is in Iraq? Because he's there. In Iraq.) to come and compete. Well, you get to go back and take care of them now, so leave, fruitcake. Ginger doesn't think making it into the competition is worth compromising her morals. Hooray for your morals, Ginger, but maybe you should have considered them before applying to be in a competition where it's not exactly unheard of to be nude. Twit. So there are our thirteen! I'm calling Melrose to get third place. The bitch always does. Stick around for the second part of the premiere, so we can see who won't last long enough to cry about her makeover!
Overall Grade: B
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Black and White
Project Runway - Season 3, Episode 10
Previously on Project Runway: Vincent got eliminated. True, there were a lot of other things to fill the hour, but we don't have to care about those. Vincent got eliminated! Vincent! Woooooo! Five designers remain. Who will be out tonight?
Opening credits. Laura was faaaaaaabulously glamorous. Until, of course, pregnancy intervened.
Atlas. The guys are happy that they're in the final five. Kayne interviews that all of them deserve to be in the top five. Laura and Uli talk about the former's near elimination last week. She's shaken up by it, but wants to focus and get to the final three. Everyone wanders off to the runway. Heidi comes out and asks if they're ready for their next challenge. Everyone's always, like, "Bring it on!". I wish one of these times, someone would say "Actually, no. Can you give us a day or two to catch up on sleep?". Heidi tells them they won't get their challenge on the runway, but at a party later, at which there will be some special guests that will be an important part of the challenge. The designers are well-seasoned in the traps that Heidi springs on them by now, so there's no more of this "Oooh...a party!" attitude going around. They know they're in for a mindfuck. Especially since I notice that nobody chose models. They're just disappearing left and right!
Evening. The designers walk into a club and pop some champagne for a toast, which I swear they do about every thirteen minutes this season. Everyone clinks glasses. I hope that's cider in your glass, preggo! The designers discuss who they think the special guests are going to be, which you'd think they'd have done before the party. Heh, I'll bet they came here straight from the runway, despite the passage-of-time shots. Kayne thinks it's going to be Destiny's Child, which is at least a step up from when he thought the glamorous jetsetter they'd be designing for was going to be Tara freaking Reid. Heidi comes in and tells everyone that she'll be introducing the two special guests, and then the challenge. Enter Special Guest #1 -- Vincent. Jeez, he's like a rash you can't get rid of. He trips all over himself walking over to Heidi. Uli says "Aw, a real person!" which is so adorable. Neither the designers nor he know what's going on. But before we can get to that, please welcome Special Guest #2 -- Angela. Hahahaha! The look on Jeffrey's face will keep me happy and warm for a long time. Angela looks even more bewildered than she did when she was a contestant, and is, of course, wearing another fucking hideous bubble skirt.
Heidi finally lets us in on the advantages to winning earlier challenges (which both Vincent and Angela did). Turns out they get a second chance in the competition. Wow. They're back in. All of the other designers would have been given the same second chance, had they been eliminated. Except for Laura, who has inexplicably never won one yet. Everyone's shocked, including Vincent and Angela. Kayne downs his champagne in one gulp, which was a little too showy to be funny. Since I can't just say "the designers think", since they've now been split into two camps, I'm calling Vincent and Angela the Ghost Designers. Kayne refers to them as cockroaches. Uli says that the party was officially over once they found out the Ghost Designers were coming back. Heidi tells the Ghost Designers that they have to win this upcoming challenge in order to remain in the competition. If they do not win, they're automatically ejected again. At this point, I settle down a little bit, secure in the knowledge that there isn't a snowball's chance in hell either one of them can pull this off, unless the challenge is "Throw together the tackiest outfit you can imagine." So there will be a total of three eliminations tonight. The Ghost Designers are thrilled. They join the others to hear about the next challenge.
The challenge will be to design a cocktail party outfit, using only black and white fabric. Shot of Uli. Hehehe. The strange disappearance of the models is finally explained, as Heidi tells everyone they will use the models they had in the last challenge, so Cassandra and Jia are coming back. Heidi leaves, and the models come in. They mingle. Michael becomes the first of the many designers this hour to overreact to the three-elimination announcement, so we'll talk about it here. Even if they seriously consider Angela or Vincent a threat to win the challenge, they've got a free boot. One of the Ghost Designers is automatically going to be out, so it's not a triple elimination. At worst, it'll be a double elimination, and again, that's only if Basket Hat or Bubble Skirt wins. So yeah, I get why they're nervous about the whole thing, but there's no need to freak out to this extent. Uli tells Lindsay that it'll be really embarrassing if she goes out before Angela. Hahahaha! Bitchy Uli is funny. In an interview, Jeffrey basically shrugs the Ghost Designers off, saying that he doesn't have to like that they're back, but "the good news is..." He trails off and stares into space. Mark your calendars. Jeffrey just cracked me up. Cassandra and Angela clink glasses. Don't get your hopes up, Cassandra.
Night falls. Morning dawns at the Atlas. Kayne insincerely welcomes Vincent back. Vincent says he's excited to make the cocktail dress in the most unemotional, deadpan voice I've ever heard out of him. Angela tells Laura that she didn't care so much when she was eliminated, but now she's charged. She wants to make final three. Laura tells her that Angela's win was a team win, so it doesn't seem quite so fair that Angela gets to come back. Ouch! I mean, it's true, but that's one of those things one saves for the interviews, Laura. Angela takes it better than I would, simply saying that she disagrees. Laura persists that Angela didn't win the challenge on her own, and Angela says that design is what matters in the fashion world, not construction. There's a shot of Laura looking unconvinced, and there are flashback scenes to Michael and Laura coming up with ideas that Angela rode to victory. It snaps back to Laura still looking thoughtful. Heh, they should have just gone whole-hog and done the wavy line flashback dissolve, like in Scooby Doo. She interviews that Angela's team members carried a whole lot more weight than Angela thinks. Angela says that everyone else is going to be thinking the same thing, and Laura pulls no punches as she agrees. Man. I can understand Laura not being wild about having to compete against people she thought she had already beaten, but if she feels so strongly that Angela is a talentless hack, why get so worked up about her return? If she sucks, she won't win. If she doesn't win, she's out. I'm not saying she should stop interviewing bitchy things about other designers, because that's awesome. I'm just not thrilled to see yet another round of Let's Shred Angela To Her Face.
Workroom. Tim gathers the designers. He tells them that since everyone's using the same color palette, everything will be resting on the design and silhouette of the outfit. Makeup and styling of the model will also be very important. Fifteen minutes to sketch, one day to complete the outfit, and $100 budget. Angela asks if they have to use both black and white, or if they can choose one or the other. Tim responds that they have to use both colors. Everyone wanders off to sketch. Kayne and Laura are going to try and address judges' previous critiques. Kayne interviews that he's going to do a very "edited" cocktail dress, while Laura is going to do a "youthful silhouette". She says that she's beginning to doubt herself more and more. Tim comes into to get everyone for fabric shopping, and drops yet another bomb on them. The designers must work every bit of fabric that they purchase into the outfit. They can't have any leftover scraps. Jaws drop. Laura interviews that it will be crucial to not buy even an extra inch of fabric. Jeffrey opts for a more succinct "What the fuck?".
Commercials. Sean Penn yells a lot in his new movie. I know, I'm shocked too.
Mood. Kayne recaps the challenge. Except he says that the designers have to use black or white fabric. Time to fire up the Schoolhouse Rock DVD and force Kayne to enjoy a little "Conjunction Junction". Jeffrey interviews that everyone has to be smart about fabric purchase, because while they don't want extra, they also don't want to run out. Is Jeffrey feeling OK? He's been completely rational and tolerable so far tonight. Vincent runs around wildly. Laura measures fabric. Angela switches out one shade of white for another. Uli picks up yet another wacky print. Back at the workroom, there are 11 hours until the deadline. Kayne refers to the Ghost Designers by interviewing that Heidi has allowed two "heifers" to come back. Yeowch. I can't wait until the reunion show. Michael's working on a fairly simple asymmetrical white dress, and says he'll make a cummerbund for it. Angela says she's making a leather shrug with an Eduardian collar. No, really. Jeffrey says something about a minidress. He pins his name on last week's winning outfit. He wants to win a third challenge, not least of which because his win last week "pissed everybody off". Um, no it didn't. The other designers actually didn't seem to care that much, but I guess that won't fly in a universe where everything revolves around Jeffrey. I had to open my fat mouth about how non-annoying he was being. Way to go, me. Vincent says that the people at the fabric store gave him an extra half-yard of one of his fabrics. It's pretty telling that right off the bat, I'm suspicious that the fabric store people messed up, rather than Vincent. They just randomly tossed in an extra half-yard? Doubtful. He's upset.
Eight and a half hours left. Work montage. While Angela's off in the sewing room, Jeffrey tells the other designers that he never wanted to see her again, then laughs as if that's totally hilarious. Dude, nobody cares. They didn't take your side when you were an ass to her mom, they didn't take your side when you openly insulted her for no apparent reason, and they're not taking your side now. Uli tries to head off another stupid tantrum by kidding that Jeffrey and Uli herself will be the eliminated designers this week. Vincent passive-aggressively says that people's true natures are becoming apparent. Laura has no patience for that shit, and asks him point-blank if he feels that people are treating him poorly now that he's been eliminated and has come back. He refuses to give a straight answer, because he's a pussy. Not a pussy is Michael, who is trying to gently talk Kayne down from what he feels is a bad outfit. The entire thing is black, and it's a mini, so Michael thinks it's looking a little hookerish. He tries to tell Kayne all of this without hurting his feelings, which is nice. Kayne asks for an honest opinion of a belt, and Michael says "It cheapens your dress." Michael is awesome. Kayne is worried. A bit later, Tim comes in to tell everyone that they'll have half an hour right now to do some preliminary fitting with the models. Camilla and Laura discuss how to make her dress look youthful. Laura says that both of them were shocked at last week's judging, and doesn't seem put off by Camilla's suggestions. Imagine how Jeffrey would react if Marilinda were like, "How can we improve on this?". Laura's confidence is still very shaken.
Commercials. Zach Braff is full of self-doubt about his place in the world in his new movie. I know, I'm shocked too.
Tim gathers the designers and models, and... Ugh. It's Collier Strong again. Listen, I have no doubt he's a very talented makeup artist. He's probably also a really nice guy. But every time he shows up, it's just a signal that we're in for an abominably boring, product placement filler segment used only to shill cosmetics. And hey! It's an abominably boring, product placement filler segment used only to shill cosmetics! I'm not bothering to go over his conversations with the designers.
Three hours left. Tim makes the rounds. He likes Uli's dress, but notes she has a lot of extra fabric. She says that she'll ball it up and use it to make a necklace. Clever. Tim warns her not to make a necklace that will distract from the rest of the dress. Vincent is wishy-washy about creating a shawl to use up his extra fabric. Jeffrey tells Tim he's making tights out of some shiny black fabric that sort of looks like leather. Tim asks if the tights will dress down the rest of the outfit (presumably because women don't go to cocktail parties in fucking tights). Jeffrey considers this. Tim asks Kayne where his white fabric is, because there isn't any. Kayne holds up a white belt and asks if it counts as a fabric. I'm pretty sure Tim's "Oh, Jesus" is all the response we'll ever need. He's also not wild about Michael's cummerbund or the fact that his dress is semi-translucent. Angela talks about ruching the sides of her dress with elastic. Tim tells her she's being awfully ambitious, and that for now, she should focus just on what she has to do. And now, Laura. Hoo boy. She just tells Tim straight out that she doesn't know if the judges will like it, and that she can't exhaust herself "designing for the Olsen twins". Heh. Even when she's upset, she's wonderfully matter-of-fact. She begins to break down as she says that she was so sure she had done a good job in the last challenge, and that she was just blindsided by being in the bottom two. She goes on to say that she wanted to make a big career change in her life, but that it's becoming too exhausting. She likes the dress she's made, but is just trying to focus on this one challenge right now. Tim assures her that she'll work it out.
Two hours. Vincent interviews that he had no choice but to make a scarf to use up the extra fabric. After a quick work montage, time runs out. Night! Morning! Laura feels a little better after getting a video message from her husband and the kids. She continues to concentrate on getting through this single challenge. Uli thinks this will be the most exciting elimination to date. Kayne admits to "dropping the ball" on this challenge, but as usual, he still loves his dress. At the workroom, Tim tells everyone they'll have two hours to finish up and get the models ready. Michael is wearing a red paisley blazer that only he can bring off. Tim reminds the designers that any scrap of fabric bigger than a postcard must be used. There is some surprising news as Tim tells Vincent that Jia has had an accident. To his credit, Vincent's initial reaction is to be worried about her instead of what this means for his outfit. Tim tells him that they've brought in Javi, one of the eliminated models. Vincent doesn't remember her at all. He's worried that there's no seam allowance in his outfit.
The models come in. Kayne has added a single white ribbon to the back of his dress. I'm thinking that's not going to fly. Jeffrey tempts Fate by telling Marilinda that his outfit's going to win again. Well, of course. Because as always, everyone else's sucks. Kayne interviews that Jeffrey's outfit was costumey and cheap-looking. Kayne. Interviewed that someone else's outfit was costumey and cheap-looking. And he's right. Ask the question "Would this outfit look better with leggings?" a hundred times, and 99 of those times, the correct answer is "No." This ain't the exception. Laura went a different direction with her silhouette, but has no idea how it will be received by the judges. Javi is a little meatier than Jia, so she's having trouble fitting into Vincent's outfit. The models go into makeup. Laura tells the makeup artist that she wants Camilla to look young, then rolls her eyes, because she knows how silly it is that she has to obsess about this crap. Heh. As Javi gets made up, Vincent starts to sew her into the dress. Yeek. With five minutes left, Tim comes in to check and make sure people don't have fabric left over. Most people just shoved them in purses, which is such a cop-out. Everyone heads to the runway.
Commercials. Jessica Simpson is a well-meaning, yet somewhat doofy girl in her new movie. I know, I'm shocked too.
Runway. Heidi comes out in a fairly ugly outfit and recaps the challenge, talking about how people get "second chances" in the world of fashion. Michael Kors and Nina are on hand to judge, and our guest judge this week is designer Zac Posen, who looks about twenty-two years old. If there's ever a movie about Zac Posen, it'll be a crime if he's not played by Ben Savage, and that's all I'll say about that. Let's hit it!
First up is Clarissa, in Angela's dress. It's tacky. The dress is black and backless, and has a lot of those frills along the edge. The black leather shrug is accented by a foofy white collar, and guess what's on the bustline. A granny circle? Ding ding ding! Next is Amanda, in Kayne's dress. The front is just this mass of black fabric. I mean, I know he was accused of throwing everything but the kitchen sink into his outfits, but I don't think the answer to that is something that looks like a solid black x-ray smock. There is some action in the back. The dress is backless, and there is a ring of white ribbon that pulls the black components of the outfit together. I don't know that I like it, but it is interesting.
Next is Camilla, in Laura's dress. It's beautiful. I think the original fabric is white, but Laura has crafted extremely intricate black detail as the overlay. The bustline and cuffs have scalloped rings which are a little iffy, but there's a little frill of black at the bottom that is super cute. Next is Nazri, in Michael's dress. It's well-crafted, but boring. It's an asymmetrical, off-the-shoulder white dress, with a shiny black cummerbund that has some sort of unidentifiable black detail on it. I think it may be flower shapes. The cummerbund is too wide for my tastes, and it just looks to me like he didn't put much imagination into this. Next is Marilinda, in Jeffrey's dress. I do like the fabric choice. The top has polka dots in ascending sizes and the bottom is a checkerboard pattern. The top has a lacy frill that would look better without the shoulder straps, and the miniskirt is cute, but not at all appropriate for a cocktail party. There's no need to even go into the faux-leather leggings, which look ridiculous. Next is Lindsay, in Uli's outfit. It's adorable, but I can see where the judges think Uli is one-note. The wacky black and white print has been made into a short, but flowing hippie dress with wide-cuffed sleeves. The extra fabric has been fashioned into a ball necklace, which I feel Uli deserves about a hundred bonus points for, seeing how easy it would have been to shove her extra fabric in a purse and call it a day. Finally, we have Javi, in Vincent's dress. Fitting issues aside, this isn't attractive. It's a plain white top and a plain black bottom. In fact, Vincent's lucky he had to make a scarf to accentuate the outfit, because it would be the most boring thing on the planet otherwise.
The designers step onto the runway. The models emerge. The judges start with Michael. They all love his outfit of course, because he's totally going to win the season, so even his less remarkable outfits are going to draw raves. Aha! I was right about the floral shapes on the cummerbund. One thing I do agree with is that Nina says Michael always thinks about the complete look, from hair and makeup to earrings and such. He does really know how to complement his garments well. He used the extra fabric to line his purse, which is better than just stowing it there, I guess. Vincent. Nina hates his outfit, and the judges all think it looks too short and cheap. They also hate the shawl, and when Vincent tries to defend it by saying that that's where the extra fabric had to go, Zac has him hold the shawl up to the bottom of the skirt. It makes it look like the skirt is longer, and thus, more elegant. Good one, Zac. Uli. The judges don't like the necklace, or the fact that the dress' sleeves are so long. Uli says she wanted the sleeves to be level with the bottom hem of the skirt, but it does look better when she pulls them up.
Angela explains her outfit. The judges feel it's costumey (if I had a nickel for every time that word was uttered on this show...), and that her tactic of stuffing the purse with fabric straps was unnecessary, given the stiffness of the purse itself. Jeffrey. Michael Kors thinks it looks cheap. Black leather leggings cheap? Get the hell out! Zac feels that it doesn't really work on either the chic, sophisticated level or on the rock and roll level. Nina finally nails him for being one-note, which he is. People never get tired of saying that about Laura or Uli, but this is the first time that someone's taken Jeffrey to task for his constant "deconstruction". Thank you, Nina. Laura. She used her extra fabric to make a matching purse. Cool! The judges love it, and say that the outfit is more youthful than ones Laura has done in the past. Kayne. He explains that he wanted to show an edited dress, but the judges still don't like it. Zac thinks the front is nice, but the back is poor. Nina doesn't like that he used minimal white. The designers are sent off.
Deliberations. Angela had a vampire ruffled shrug. Heh. Michael has flawless presentation. Vincent is wacky and had poor proportions. Jeffrey's was loud. Zac likes the ease of Uli's dress, but Nina says that they keep getting the same dress in different versions, which I can't really argue with. Kayne tried to adapt, but failed at it. Laura maintained her own point of view, but grew as a designer. A decision is made. The designers are brought back out.
This week's nice thing about someone I don't like: All of the people I couldn't stand in high school had the good grace to not come to the ten-year reunion. Whew. That evening was far less awkward than it could have been.
Elimination. We start with this week's winner. Congratulations... Laura. Yay! Michael offers additional congratulations as she leaves the runway. Since we're coming down to the end, she doesn't get immunity, a nifty prize, or any second chances. The only thing she accomplished by winning was the welcome double-booting we're about to witness. Thanks, Laura! Angela...you're out! Vincent...you're out! Whee! Michael is in. Uli is in. That leaves Kayne and Jeffrey. Kayne didn't use the colors he was supposed to, and his taste level still isn't up to par. Jeffrey's outfit looked cheap and he's all edge, with no elegance. Kayne. Is. Out. Jeffrey leaves the runway, and Uli hugs him backstage. Ew, Uli. Don't do that. Heidi gives Kayne the double kiss. He thanks her for the opportunity. In his final interview, he says that he doesn't want to be a seamstress all his life. Uli calls him "our sunshine". He's proud of what he can do and what he's shown, "dirty laundry" and all. He tells us he's not really a bitch, he just plays one on TV. Never too early to start looking good to potential employers. He leaves a good-bye note that's longer than the Dead Sea scrolls pinned to his dress in the workroom. Aw, he was fun. But he's definitely leaving at the right time.
We get a short postscript about Jia, who was injured in a bicycle accident, but is all better and back to modeling now. Yay! And she never has to model another Vincent creation again. Double yay! Next week on Project Runway: The next challenge determines the final three. Michael is stuck on something. Uli is predictable. Laura is told not to bore Nina. Tim makes an announcement that makes Jeffrey happy, so whatever it is? I hate it already.
Overall Grade: A-
Previously on Project Runway: Vincent got eliminated. True, there were a lot of other things to fill the hour, but we don't have to care about those. Vincent got eliminated! Vincent! Woooooo! Five designers remain. Who will be out tonight?
Opening credits. Laura was faaaaaaabulously glamorous. Until, of course, pregnancy intervened.
Atlas. The guys are happy that they're in the final five. Kayne interviews that all of them deserve to be in the top five. Laura and Uli talk about the former's near elimination last week. She's shaken up by it, but wants to focus and get to the final three. Everyone wanders off to the runway. Heidi comes out and asks if they're ready for their next challenge. Everyone's always, like, "Bring it on!". I wish one of these times, someone would say "Actually, no. Can you give us a day or two to catch up on sleep?". Heidi tells them they won't get their challenge on the runway, but at a party later, at which there will be some special guests that will be an important part of the challenge. The designers are well-seasoned in the traps that Heidi springs on them by now, so there's no more of this "Oooh...a party!" attitude going around. They know they're in for a mindfuck. Especially since I notice that nobody chose models. They're just disappearing left and right!
Evening. The designers walk into a club and pop some champagne for a toast, which I swear they do about every thirteen minutes this season. Everyone clinks glasses. I hope that's cider in your glass, preggo! The designers discuss who they think the special guests are going to be, which you'd think they'd have done before the party. Heh, I'll bet they came here straight from the runway, despite the passage-of-time shots. Kayne thinks it's going to be Destiny's Child, which is at least a step up from when he thought the glamorous jetsetter they'd be designing for was going to be Tara freaking Reid. Heidi comes in and tells everyone that she'll be introducing the two special guests, and then the challenge. Enter Special Guest #1 -- Vincent. Jeez, he's like a rash you can't get rid of. He trips all over himself walking over to Heidi. Uli says "Aw, a real person!" which is so adorable. Neither the designers nor he know what's going on. But before we can get to that, please welcome Special Guest #2 -- Angela. Hahahaha! The look on Jeffrey's face will keep me happy and warm for a long time. Angela looks even more bewildered than she did when she was a contestant, and is, of course, wearing another fucking hideous bubble skirt.
Heidi finally lets us in on the advantages to winning earlier challenges (which both Vincent and Angela did). Turns out they get a second chance in the competition. Wow. They're back in. All of the other designers would have been given the same second chance, had they been eliminated. Except for Laura, who has inexplicably never won one yet. Everyone's shocked, including Vincent and Angela. Kayne downs his champagne in one gulp, which was a little too showy to be funny. Since I can't just say "the designers think", since they've now been split into two camps, I'm calling Vincent and Angela the Ghost Designers. Kayne refers to them as cockroaches. Uli says that the party was officially over once they found out the Ghost Designers were coming back. Heidi tells the Ghost Designers that they have to win this upcoming challenge in order to remain in the competition. If they do not win, they're automatically ejected again. At this point, I settle down a little bit, secure in the knowledge that there isn't a snowball's chance in hell either one of them can pull this off, unless the challenge is "Throw together the tackiest outfit you can imagine." So there will be a total of three eliminations tonight. The Ghost Designers are thrilled. They join the others to hear about the next challenge.
The challenge will be to design a cocktail party outfit, using only black and white fabric. Shot of Uli. Hehehe. The strange disappearance of the models is finally explained, as Heidi tells everyone they will use the models they had in the last challenge, so Cassandra and Jia are coming back. Heidi leaves, and the models come in. They mingle. Michael becomes the first of the many designers this hour to overreact to the three-elimination announcement, so we'll talk about it here. Even if they seriously consider Angela or Vincent a threat to win the challenge, they've got a free boot. One of the Ghost Designers is automatically going to be out, so it's not a triple elimination. At worst, it'll be a double elimination, and again, that's only if Basket Hat or Bubble Skirt wins. So yeah, I get why they're nervous about the whole thing, but there's no need to freak out to this extent. Uli tells Lindsay that it'll be really embarrassing if she goes out before Angela. Hahahaha! Bitchy Uli is funny. In an interview, Jeffrey basically shrugs the Ghost Designers off, saying that he doesn't have to like that they're back, but "the good news is..." He trails off and stares into space. Mark your calendars. Jeffrey just cracked me up. Cassandra and Angela clink glasses. Don't get your hopes up, Cassandra.
Night falls. Morning dawns at the Atlas. Kayne insincerely welcomes Vincent back. Vincent says he's excited to make the cocktail dress in the most unemotional, deadpan voice I've ever heard out of him. Angela tells Laura that she didn't care so much when she was eliminated, but now she's charged. She wants to make final three. Laura tells her that Angela's win was a team win, so it doesn't seem quite so fair that Angela gets to come back. Ouch! I mean, it's true, but that's one of those things one saves for the interviews, Laura. Angela takes it better than I would, simply saying that she disagrees. Laura persists that Angela didn't win the challenge on her own, and Angela says that design is what matters in the fashion world, not construction. There's a shot of Laura looking unconvinced, and there are flashback scenes to Michael and Laura coming up with ideas that Angela rode to victory. It snaps back to Laura still looking thoughtful. Heh, they should have just gone whole-hog and done the wavy line flashback dissolve, like in Scooby Doo. She interviews that Angela's team members carried a whole lot more weight than Angela thinks. Angela says that everyone else is going to be thinking the same thing, and Laura pulls no punches as she agrees. Man. I can understand Laura not being wild about having to compete against people she thought she had already beaten, but if she feels so strongly that Angela is a talentless hack, why get so worked up about her return? If she sucks, she won't win. If she doesn't win, she's out. I'm not saying she should stop interviewing bitchy things about other designers, because that's awesome. I'm just not thrilled to see yet another round of Let's Shred Angela To Her Face.
Workroom. Tim gathers the designers. He tells them that since everyone's using the same color palette, everything will be resting on the design and silhouette of the outfit. Makeup and styling of the model will also be very important. Fifteen minutes to sketch, one day to complete the outfit, and $100 budget. Angela asks if they have to use both black and white, or if they can choose one or the other. Tim responds that they have to use both colors. Everyone wanders off to sketch. Kayne and Laura are going to try and address judges' previous critiques. Kayne interviews that he's going to do a very "edited" cocktail dress, while Laura is going to do a "youthful silhouette". She says that she's beginning to doubt herself more and more. Tim comes into to get everyone for fabric shopping, and drops yet another bomb on them. The designers must work every bit of fabric that they purchase into the outfit. They can't have any leftover scraps. Jaws drop. Laura interviews that it will be crucial to not buy even an extra inch of fabric. Jeffrey opts for a more succinct "What the fuck?".
Commercials. Sean Penn yells a lot in his new movie. I know, I'm shocked too.
Mood. Kayne recaps the challenge. Except he says that the designers have to use black or white fabric. Time to fire up the Schoolhouse Rock DVD and force Kayne to enjoy a little "Conjunction Junction". Jeffrey interviews that everyone has to be smart about fabric purchase, because while they don't want extra, they also don't want to run out. Is Jeffrey feeling OK? He's been completely rational and tolerable so far tonight. Vincent runs around wildly. Laura measures fabric. Angela switches out one shade of white for another. Uli picks up yet another wacky print. Back at the workroom, there are 11 hours until the deadline. Kayne refers to the Ghost Designers by interviewing that Heidi has allowed two "heifers" to come back. Yeowch. I can't wait until the reunion show. Michael's working on a fairly simple asymmetrical white dress, and says he'll make a cummerbund for it. Angela says she's making a leather shrug with an Eduardian collar. No, really. Jeffrey says something about a minidress. He pins his name on last week's winning outfit. He wants to win a third challenge, not least of which because his win last week "pissed everybody off". Um, no it didn't. The other designers actually didn't seem to care that much, but I guess that won't fly in a universe where everything revolves around Jeffrey. I had to open my fat mouth about how non-annoying he was being. Way to go, me. Vincent says that the people at the fabric store gave him an extra half-yard of one of his fabrics. It's pretty telling that right off the bat, I'm suspicious that the fabric store people messed up, rather than Vincent. They just randomly tossed in an extra half-yard? Doubtful. He's upset.
Eight and a half hours left. Work montage. While Angela's off in the sewing room, Jeffrey tells the other designers that he never wanted to see her again, then laughs as if that's totally hilarious. Dude, nobody cares. They didn't take your side when you were an ass to her mom, they didn't take your side when you openly insulted her for no apparent reason, and they're not taking your side now. Uli tries to head off another stupid tantrum by kidding that Jeffrey and Uli herself will be the eliminated designers this week. Vincent passive-aggressively says that people's true natures are becoming apparent. Laura has no patience for that shit, and asks him point-blank if he feels that people are treating him poorly now that he's been eliminated and has come back. He refuses to give a straight answer, because he's a pussy. Not a pussy is Michael, who is trying to gently talk Kayne down from what he feels is a bad outfit. The entire thing is black, and it's a mini, so Michael thinks it's looking a little hookerish. He tries to tell Kayne all of this without hurting his feelings, which is nice. Kayne asks for an honest opinion of a belt, and Michael says "It cheapens your dress." Michael is awesome. Kayne is worried. A bit later, Tim comes in to tell everyone that they'll have half an hour right now to do some preliminary fitting with the models. Camilla and Laura discuss how to make her dress look youthful. Laura says that both of them were shocked at last week's judging, and doesn't seem put off by Camilla's suggestions. Imagine how Jeffrey would react if Marilinda were like, "How can we improve on this?". Laura's confidence is still very shaken.
Commercials. Zach Braff is full of self-doubt about his place in the world in his new movie. I know, I'm shocked too.
Tim gathers the designers and models, and... Ugh. It's Collier Strong again. Listen, I have no doubt he's a very talented makeup artist. He's probably also a really nice guy. But every time he shows up, it's just a signal that we're in for an abominably boring, product placement filler segment used only to shill cosmetics. And hey! It's an abominably boring, product placement filler segment used only to shill cosmetics! I'm not bothering to go over his conversations with the designers.
Three hours left. Tim makes the rounds. He likes Uli's dress, but notes she has a lot of extra fabric. She says that she'll ball it up and use it to make a necklace. Clever. Tim warns her not to make a necklace that will distract from the rest of the dress. Vincent is wishy-washy about creating a shawl to use up his extra fabric. Jeffrey tells Tim he's making tights out of some shiny black fabric that sort of looks like leather. Tim asks if the tights will dress down the rest of the outfit (presumably because women don't go to cocktail parties in fucking tights). Jeffrey considers this. Tim asks Kayne where his white fabric is, because there isn't any. Kayne holds up a white belt and asks if it counts as a fabric. I'm pretty sure Tim's "Oh, Jesus" is all the response we'll ever need. He's also not wild about Michael's cummerbund or the fact that his dress is semi-translucent. Angela talks about ruching the sides of her dress with elastic. Tim tells her she's being awfully ambitious, and that for now, she should focus just on what she has to do. And now, Laura. Hoo boy. She just tells Tim straight out that she doesn't know if the judges will like it, and that she can't exhaust herself "designing for the Olsen twins". Heh. Even when she's upset, she's wonderfully matter-of-fact. She begins to break down as she says that she was so sure she had done a good job in the last challenge, and that she was just blindsided by being in the bottom two. She goes on to say that she wanted to make a big career change in her life, but that it's becoming too exhausting. She likes the dress she's made, but is just trying to focus on this one challenge right now. Tim assures her that she'll work it out.
Two hours. Vincent interviews that he had no choice but to make a scarf to use up the extra fabric. After a quick work montage, time runs out. Night! Morning! Laura feels a little better after getting a video message from her husband and the kids. She continues to concentrate on getting through this single challenge. Uli thinks this will be the most exciting elimination to date. Kayne admits to "dropping the ball" on this challenge, but as usual, he still loves his dress. At the workroom, Tim tells everyone they'll have two hours to finish up and get the models ready. Michael is wearing a red paisley blazer that only he can bring off. Tim reminds the designers that any scrap of fabric bigger than a postcard must be used. There is some surprising news as Tim tells Vincent that Jia has had an accident. To his credit, Vincent's initial reaction is to be worried about her instead of what this means for his outfit. Tim tells him that they've brought in Javi, one of the eliminated models. Vincent doesn't remember her at all. He's worried that there's no seam allowance in his outfit.
The models come in. Kayne has added a single white ribbon to the back of his dress. I'm thinking that's not going to fly. Jeffrey tempts Fate by telling Marilinda that his outfit's going to win again. Well, of course. Because as always, everyone else's sucks. Kayne interviews that Jeffrey's outfit was costumey and cheap-looking. Kayne. Interviewed that someone else's outfit was costumey and cheap-looking. And he's right. Ask the question "Would this outfit look better with leggings?" a hundred times, and 99 of those times, the correct answer is "No." This ain't the exception. Laura went a different direction with her silhouette, but has no idea how it will be received by the judges. Javi is a little meatier than Jia, so she's having trouble fitting into Vincent's outfit. The models go into makeup. Laura tells the makeup artist that she wants Camilla to look young, then rolls her eyes, because she knows how silly it is that she has to obsess about this crap. Heh. As Javi gets made up, Vincent starts to sew her into the dress. Yeek. With five minutes left, Tim comes in to check and make sure people don't have fabric left over. Most people just shoved them in purses, which is such a cop-out. Everyone heads to the runway.
Commercials. Jessica Simpson is a well-meaning, yet somewhat doofy girl in her new movie. I know, I'm shocked too.
Runway. Heidi comes out in a fairly ugly outfit and recaps the challenge, talking about how people get "second chances" in the world of fashion. Michael Kors and Nina are on hand to judge, and our guest judge this week is designer Zac Posen, who looks about twenty-two years old. If there's ever a movie about Zac Posen, it'll be a crime if he's not played by Ben Savage, and that's all I'll say about that. Let's hit it!
First up is Clarissa, in Angela's dress. It's tacky. The dress is black and backless, and has a lot of those frills along the edge. The black leather shrug is accented by a foofy white collar, and guess what's on the bustline. A granny circle? Ding ding ding! Next is Amanda, in Kayne's dress. The front is just this mass of black fabric. I mean, I know he was accused of throwing everything but the kitchen sink into his outfits, but I don't think the answer to that is something that looks like a solid black x-ray smock. There is some action in the back. The dress is backless, and there is a ring of white ribbon that pulls the black components of the outfit together. I don't know that I like it, but it is interesting.
Next is Camilla, in Laura's dress. It's beautiful. I think the original fabric is white, but Laura has crafted extremely intricate black detail as the overlay. The bustline and cuffs have scalloped rings which are a little iffy, but there's a little frill of black at the bottom that is super cute. Next is Nazri, in Michael's dress. It's well-crafted, but boring. It's an asymmetrical, off-the-shoulder white dress, with a shiny black cummerbund that has some sort of unidentifiable black detail on it. I think it may be flower shapes. The cummerbund is too wide for my tastes, and it just looks to me like he didn't put much imagination into this. Next is Marilinda, in Jeffrey's dress. I do like the fabric choice. The top has polka dots in ascending sizes and the bottom is a checkerboard pattern. The top has a lacy frill that would look better without the shoulder straps, and the miniskirt is cute, but not at all appropriate for a cocktail party. There's no need to even go into the faux-leather leggings, which look ridiculous. Next is Lindsay, in Uli's outfit. It's adorable, but I can see where the judges think Uli is one-note. The wacky black and white print has been made into a short, but flowing hippie dress with wide-cuffed sleeves. The extra fabric has been fashioned into a ball necklace, which I feel Uli deserves about a hundred bonus points for, seeing how easy it would have been to shove her extra fabric in a purse and call it a day. Finally, we have Javi, in Vincent's dress. Fitting issues aside, this isn't attractive. It's a plain white top and a plain black bottom. In fact, Vincent's lucky he had to make a scarf to accentuate the outfit, because it would be the most boring thing on the planet otherwise.
The designers step onto the runway. The models emerge. The judges start with Michael. They all love his outfit of course, because he's totally going to win the season, so even his less remarkable outfits are going to draw raves. Aha! I was right about the floral shapes on the cummerbund. One thing I do agree with is that Nina says Michael always thinks about the complete look, from hair and makeup to earrings and such. He does really know how to complement his garments well. He used the extra fabric to line his purse, which is better than just stowing it there, I guess. Vincent. Nina hates his outfit, and the judges all think it looks too short and cheap. They also hate the shawl, and when Vincent tries to defend it by saying that that's where the extra fabric had to go, Zac has him hold the shawl up to the bottom of the skirt. It makes it look like the skirt is longer, and thus, more elegant. Good one, Zac. Uli. The judges don't like the necklace, or the fact that the dress' sleeves are so long. Uli says she wanted the sleeves to be level with the bottom hem of the skirt, but it does look better when she pulls them up.
Angela explains her outfit. The judges feel it's costumey (if I had a nickel for every time that word was uttered on this show...), and that her tactic of stuffing the purse with fabric straps was unnecessary, given the stiffness of the purse itself. Jeffrey. Michael Kors thinks it looks cheap. Black leather leggings cheap? Get the hell out! Zac feels that it doesn't really work on either the chic, sophisticated level or on the rock and roll level. Nina finally nails him for being one-note, which he is. People never get tired of saying that about Laura or Uli, but this is the first time that someone's taken Jeffrey to task for his constant "deconstruction". Thank you, Nina. Laura. She used her extra fabric to make a matching purse. Cool! The judges love it, and say that the outfit is more youthful than ones Laura has done in the past. Kayne. He explains that he wanted to show an edited dress, but the judges still don't like it. Zac thinks the front is nice, but the back is poor. Nina doesn't like that he used minimal white. The designers are sent off.
Deliberations. Angela had a vampire ruffled shrug. Heh. Michael has flawless presentation. Vincent is wacky and had poor proportions. Jeffrey's was loud. Zac likes the ease of Uli's dress, but Nina says that they keep getting the same dress in different versions, which I can't really argue with. Kayne tried to adapt, but failed at it. Laura maintained her own point of view, but grew as a designer. A decision is made. The designers are brought back out.
This week's nice thing about someone I don't like: All of the people I couldn't stand in high school had the good grace to not come to the ten-year reunion. Whew. That evening was far less awkward than it could have been.
Elimination. We start with this week's winner. Congratulations... Laura. Yay! Michael offers additional congratulations as she leaves the runway. Since we're coming down to the end, she doesn't get immunity, a nifty prize, or any second chances. The only thing she accomplished by winning was the welcome double-booting we're about to witness. Thanks, Laura! Angela...you're out! Vincent...you're out! Whee! Michael is in. Uli is in. That leaves Kayne and Jeffrey. Kayne didn't use the colors he was supposed to, and his taste level still isn't up to par. Jeffrey's outfit looked cheap and he's all edge, with no elegance. Kayne. Is. Out. Jeffrey leaves the runway, and Uli hugs him backstage. Ew, Uli. Don't do that. Heidi gives Kayne the double kiss. He thanks her for the opportunity. In his final interview, he says that he doesn't want to be a seamstress all his life. Uli calls him "our sunshine". He's proud of what he can do and what he's shown, "dirty laundry" and all. He tells us he's not really a bitch, he just plays one on TV. Never too early to start looking good to potential employers. He leaves a good-bye note that's longer than the Dead Sea scrolls pinned to his dress in the workroom. Aw, he was fun. But he's definitely leaving at the right time.
We get a short postscript about Jia, who was injured in a bicycle accident, but is all better and back to modeling now. Yay! And she never has to model another Vincent creation again. Double yay! Next week on Project Runway: The next challenge determines the final three. Michael is stuck on something. Uli is predictable. Laura is told not to bore Nina. Tim makes an announcement that makes Jeffrey happy, so whatever it is? I hate it already.
Overall Grade: A-
Monday, September 11, 2006
Couture de France
Project Runway - Season 3, Episode 9
Previously on Project Runway: The designers were told to create an outfit for a hip-happenin' jetsetter -- themselves. Angela squealed happily, despite not knowing the first thing about how to approach the challenge. Everyone whipped their clothes together, then were whisked off to Paris. Catherine Malandrino popped in as a "host judge", and her first duty was to boot Angela right back to the states. Six designers remain. Who will be out tonight?
Opening credits. Jeez, check out Katie's outfit in the lineup. I realize simple, black dresses probably aren't her style, but man. If she can't even dress herself, it's no wonder she was punted early.
Paris! Either the color is washed out on purpose, or my TV sucks more than I thought, because the flag looks green, white, and red. Music almost directly stolen from the Amelie soundtrack brings us back to Parsons Paris. Tim gathers the designers in the workroom, and this must have been shot immediately after Angela left, because everyone's still wearing their jetsetting outfits. Tim informs Jeffrey that he has immunity for this challenge, and while I hate him, at least I don't have to spend the next hour hoping against hope that this'll be the week. Tim asks Catherine to introduce the next challenge. It will be to create a "couture" gown, which Tim will now attempt to explain. True couture designers have to be licensed, so the designers will only be implementing certain facets of couture. Emphasis is placed on very personal elements, such as hand-sewn hems, embroidery, and beading. I'm still confused. If the only difference between couture and non-couture is that someone sewed some intricate beading on, why is it taken so seriously, to the point that you need a governmental license? I'm not criticizing couture; I genuinely don't understand what sets it apart from other high-fashion gowns. Catherine tells everyone that they have two days to put their gowns together, which elicits the standard "Wah, that's not much time" response from the designers. The gowns will be presented at a party that Catherine will throw. After she leaves, Tim tells everyone that they can get settled in the hotel, and then he's taking them out to dinner. This is the first welcome announcement that the designers have heard in a while.
Hotel Lutetia. Kayne lists off his roommates one by one. He could have just said that he's in a room with all the other guys, but I suppose then he wouldn't be listening to himself for as long. He loves the view from their room, which is on the top floor. Laura's still getting adjusted to the fact that she's in France. Uli is happy to be back "home" in Europe. Jeffrey eats a kiwi like a monkey. I'm not just saying that to make fun of him. Seriously. He literally eats it like a chimpanzee would. The editors insert a clip of him being glad that Angela's gone that's clearly out of sequence, just to make him look like more of a dick. You don't need to do that, guys. He doesn't need the help. Tim comes in and admires the rooms. Everyone leaves for dinner. Michael interviews that he's very inspired by the city, as we see beautiful shots of everyone walking through Paris, admiring the pyramid in the courtyard of the Louvre and such. Laura voices-over that everyone walked to a French restaurant. No offense, Laura, but duuuuuuuuuuuuuuh. She's happy to have a little time to relax. Kayne toasts Jeffrey's first win. Aw, that's sweet. Night falls.
Morning. I have got to believe that they're washing the color out of these shots on purpose. God knows why, because it just makes the city look smoggy. Laura interviews that she's more worried about elimination now, because she seems to feel that all the weak links are gone. She's either very kind for ignoring the fact that Vincent's still here, or she's not fully awake yet. Tim shows up at the hotel room to find the guys sketching ideas for their gowns. He tells that they'll have more time to do that later, and takes everyone to the subway, where a man who's probably curious about the camera crew chats up Jeffrey. They take a long staircase up, which has got to be killing poor, pregnant Laura, and Jeffrey interviews that he's feeling very inspired by the city. Tim drops them off in a picturesque spot to draw for another half an hour. Michael interviews that he doesn't want to do anything too edgy or avant-garde, because he hasn't done this type of work before. But I thought being edgy was part of the whole couture thing? Nevermind. I'm not even going to pretend that I know what I'm talking about with this challenge. You'll never guess what effect couture gowns have on Vincent. That's right, it turns him on! That'd be the fourth reference to his sexual stimulation from clothing on this show. If he gets this much of a charge out of clothes, his poor wife must never be allowed to get undressed. How did she ever conceive a child? Everyone wraps up their drawings, and Tim gathers them to go shopping.
Fabric store. One hour to shop, and 300 Euros (that's about $375). Go! Laura's a little flustered, because she's so used to shopping at Mood. Uli wants to stick with a pattern she's comfortable with, but can add more to later. Jeffrey picks up a beautiful yellow plaid. He says that his inspiration is the Statue of Liberty. I'm so glad he spent all that time telling us how inspirational he finds Europe, only to pick an American landmark as his basis. He also interviews that he wants to be the first designer to win a challenge while having immunity. As a self-made goal, he could do worse, but he's making it sound like it'd be somehow more impressive than Michael's back-to-back win, which is isn't.
Workroom. Eight hours left. The designers have been assigned European models, because there's no way Bravo was going to fly all of our usual models out to Paris to hang out for three hours. Tim tells them that the gowns will need to be refitted for the models in New York. He gives them until midnight, then takes his leave with an awkwardly-placed "Make it work" in French. I wonder if he feels silly having to spout that catchphrase over and over. Uli interviews that there wasn't much time to figure out what to do, so she immediately began draping. She says that she's not using any crazy prints or colors this time, obviously taking last week's criticisms to heart. Laura wants to take a basic black dress with white collar and cuffs and "vamp it up". Michael wants to keep the basic silhouette of his dress very simple so that he'll have time for all the hand-sewing he's going to do. Kayne says that he's going to love his dress when he's through; that he'd put it on his best pageant girl. Laura tries to gently head him off at the pass by saying that if a he's designing to dress a pageant girl, he's in for some trouble. He says that it won't look overly pageanty at all, but Laura's unconvinced, interviewing that Kayne has a Vegas vibe that is already starting to show in this week's garment. Jeffrey interviews that it looks like more of a prom gown than a couture gown. Kayne hopes that it'll fit the model. Laura pulls a face.
One hour left. Vincent has stripped down to a wifebeater and shorts for apparently no reason. I guess he was overtaken by arousal from being surrounded by clothing and had to jerk off right there in the workroom. Ew, I grossed myself out. That's rare. He tries to convince us (and likely, himself) that his gown will be very classy and couture. Laura is again unconvinced. She has a completely awesome interview in which she sums up precisely what I think of Vincent. Let me see if I can get it all. "Vincent is, like, a legend in his own mind. He spends a lot of time working on his pattern on the mannequin, stepping back, admiring his work, and asking us other designers over for what he calls 'an opinion', but it's really he just wants us to come admire his work." She's so got him pegged. Kayne obligingly pays Vincent's gown some lip service before escaping back to his own workstation. Thirty minutes left. Laura asks Michael if he can pull off the scalloping he's got going. He says he'll damn sure try. Time winds down. Off to bed.
Day Two. Michael and Jeffrey are up, but Vincent's still in bed. Jeffrey turns on one of those loud electric shavers, and Vincent yells from beneath the covers that he's sleeping, and what's wrong with Jeffrey? I don't believe I have enough bandwidth to cover what's wrong with Jeffrey, but it looks like it's time to get up, Vincent. I can't be too hard on him. I'm impossible to get out of bed, too. Vincent calls Jeffrey a fuck, while Jeffrey stands on the balcony, shaving and looking mildly disturbed. That was funny.
Workroom. Twelve hours left. Everyone gets started, and Tim comes in to check on their progress. Michael has taped his model's headshot to the mannequin's neck. Hehehe. He's got his basic dress done, but still needs to incorporate all of the detail. He's worried about time, as is Tim, judging from his wrinkled forehead. Laura... Holy hell, what is Laura wearing? She's got a collared white shirt on, with the collar sticking straight up. The bottom of the shirt is tied into a knot that's resting on her pregnant belly. The only thing she's missing is a banjo and a jug with three X's on it. Tim confirms that she's done with the dress, and can focus on the collar, which is where all of the design element rests. Tim wants to know how far she's going to take the collar, and she responds that it's her only real shot at making an artistic statement, so I guess pretty far. The first thing Tim says to Kayne about his garment is "I want to say this to you in the spirit of somebody who wants you only to succeed." Rut roh. Tim goes on to say that the dress isn't working for him, mostly because of the visible black boning beneath the gold cloth of the bodice. Yeah, that's tacky. Kayne extrapolates this out to mean that Tim hates the entire outfit, which I don't think is the case. He also interviews that while Tim may hate it, Kayne himself thinks it's gorrrrrrrrrrgeous. Oh, well then I'm sure the judges will love it too. After all, didn't they fall all over themselves to compliment Kayne the last time he ignored Tim's advice? Oh, wait. Twit.
Commercials. You know who I'm really impressed by at parties? People who can't manage to wrangle ice cubes into their glass.
Six hours left. Jeffrey has worked himself up into a cackling fit, comparing the challenge to having two days to make an atom bomb. Laura tells the other designers that she's worried that Kayne (who isn't present) will have "his head handed to him on a ree-deek-coo-lus plate tomorrow". She seems genuinely concerned for him, which is nice. She says that she doesn't want to see him get hurt. "Who cares if he gets hurt?" Jeffrey retorts. "No one will buy that [gown]. Unless it's Halloween." See, editors? No need to splice misleading interview clips together. In the sewing room, Kayne says that he doesn't really have the time to change anything about his design as a response to Tim's criticisms, which is bullshit, but whatever. Laura has a sign on her workbench that reads "CAUTION -- 'FLEURCHAMPS' MAKING IN PROGRESS". Hehehe. Ouch. Poor, tasteless Angela. Vincent hates Laura's dress. He tells Jeffrey that it's horrible. Jeffrey agrees, saying that Laura only knows how to do one style of dress. So Jeffrey pretty much hates everyone's dress but his own. Shocking, I know. I guess I'm not more bothered about it because this week, his criticisms are more apt. Kayne's dress does look tacky and Laura does stick within a narrow design aesthetic.
Night falls. Four hours left. Michael is hand-ruching his fabric, and Vincent interviews that it's very poorly done. I guess Laura and Michael just don't understand how to make high-fashion gowns like Vincent "Basket Hat" Libretti does. Michael is nervous about it, and Jeffrey attacks a chicken leg as he tells him that Michael's given himself a lot of work to do. I think we've filled our quota of shots of Jeffrey eating now, show. Thanks. Jeffrey goes on to say that what Michael's doing is what Malan was attempting to do when he got eliminated, which Michael cautiously takes as a compliment. Vincent stresses over the time crunch. Uli feels pretty good about her garment, saying that you can still tell that it's an "Uli dress", but that it's more of a couture gown. She's constructed some wonderful braiding that is not attached to the dress yet. Jeffrey and Laura have a mini-spat over the hand-made things they've made before, but it doesn't really progress to anything. I have to say I'm relieved. It's nice to get back to an episode that's more about the clothes and the challenge than it is about how much a designer's attitude sucks. Work montage. Midnight hits, and everyone heads for the hotel. Cool little electronic gates open for the designers to board the subway, and Uli makes a face like she's scared one of them is about to take her arm off. Laura interviews that everyone's exhausted, but especially her, due to the pregnancy. I can certainly buy it. She's one of the most put-together people I've ever seen on television, and she looks like death warmed over right about now. Back at the hotel, Laura heads to bed while the others stay up for a drink and to rehash the challenge. Kayne once again disdains Tim's advice.
Morning. The designers are all dressed and ready to go except for Kayne. There's a shot of him shaving, and... Slow down, Kayne! Man, if I shaved with quick little downward strokes like that, it'd take me three hours. He interviews that everyone's very focused on the challenge. After more washed-out shots of Paris, we're back at the workroom. There are three hours until the party. Uli interviews that Vincent's dress is not finished, and that his fabric choice reminds her of a sofa. She's right. I think my grandmother had some chairs upholstered in a very similar pattern. Michael is still nervous about never having fully hand-sewn a garment before. Tim pops in to tell them he's sending in the models, and that they have two and a half hours to get fully ready. Laura wants to know if they'll be having a traditional runway walk, but Tim won't spill the beans.
Various European models whose names I'm not bothering to learn stream in. The designers begin the fitting. Tim asks Vincent what he's doing. He's still got to sew the bottom hem. Tim asks him if he's got time to hand-sew the hem, and Vincent is confident that he can. Michael's model is smaller than he expected, so he has to take the dress in four sizes. Yipes. Laura tells her model that she's going to be warm in her wool dress. Her model doesn't seem to care. Kayne fits his model, and throws out a few more "Gorrrrrgeous!" Laura pulls another face. Vincent is gluing the shit out of his dress. No, really. Again, I don't pretend to know dick about couture gowns, but after all the condescending twaddle he's been throwing towards Laura and Michael this episode, he's slathering glue all over a dress that is supposed to emphasize hand-sewn detail. Not only is he gluing details onto the dress, but he's actually gluing the hem he assured Tim he had time to sew onto the bottom. He has an interview in which he dismissively snots that of course he didn't have time to finish. Making a couture gown in two days is impossible. Well, sure. It's not like there are five other people standing in the room who did just that. Models are still getting dressed when Tim gives the five-minute warning. Michael tells his model that he realizes his dress isn't the best, but he wants her to act as if it's the prettiest gown she's ever seen. Tim announces that it's time to go, and practically has to drag Vincent out with a hook.
Commercials. I know this will bring a mob with torches and pitchforks to my door, but Bob Dylan is an awful singer. A terrific musician, and a gifted songwriter, but an awful, awful singer.
The designers and models stroll down the street. That cannot be comfortable for those poor girls. At least the New York models only have to walk a short distance, and all indoors. Tim grandly presents the party destination: a large boat on the Seine. Neat. As everyone approaches the boat, dark and foreboding music sweeps in. Are these people about to be attacked by sharks? We don't exactly see what happens next, but it appears as if someone on a balcony lobs an egg down on the group. I've freeze-framed it on the culprit, but I can't really figure out an age or gender. Really, it looks like Fat Elvis. What an ass. Who knows why he/she did this, but it may have been racial, since the egg landed splat in front of Michael's model, smattering the bottom of the dress with goo. Aw, that sucks. Michael, already unhappy about how his gown looks, is sunk even lower in despair. He naturally heads straight for the champagne. Catherine greets everyone, and says she's very impressed at first view with what the designers have achieved in two days. They have a toast. Kayne has an interview in which he's drawn a very thin moustache and beard on his face, tilts a beret at a kicky angle, and enthusiastically jabbers in a broad French accent. Heh. I'm glad he's having fun.
The boat takes off for a lovely cruise down the river. Catherine makes the rounds. She tries to read Jeffrey's neck tattoos, and he's thrilled, because he's finally getting the attention that the damn things were put there for. She has his model do a turn, and tells him that it was very daring and audacious to do an evening gown in cotton. Next is Laura. Catherine thinks it's very interesting to do an evening gown that covers the arms. She tells Kayne that it's brave to have such an open lace in the back, but that it fits his model perfectly. She approaches Michael's dress to look at the detail up close, but we never hear her reaction to it. She asks Vincent about his inspiration. He can't come up with anything, so he launches into some of the most poorly-covered ass-kissing I've ever had the embarrassment to witness. "You are one of the most sensational women I've ever laid my eyes on. Everything about you -- your hair, [something, something], your persona..." Jeffrey shakes his head, and even though he's wearing sunglasses, you can feel his eyes rolling. And for one, brief, shining moment? I totally feel you, Jeffrey. Vincent continues on in this vein until he asks Catherine if she feels the dress is too "throwback" or if it's modern. "It's an interesting dress," she says. Huh. Guess that brown-nosing about her "persona" didn't work. Who woulda thunk?
Catherine would like to see the dresses in motion and tells them the models are going to do a walk. Tim explains that Catherine will be scoring the dresses, and that her scores will be added to the New York judging scores. We'll get to the actual outfits then. Walk, walk, walk. Tim collects the scorecards, and with that dispensed with, everyone's free to enjoy the rest of the evening. Ah. We finally see Catherine talk with Uli about her garment, which she calls "light" and "effortless". Catherine was very carefully diplomatic with all the designers. She didn't say that she outright liked or disliked anything. Well played, madam. Kayne compliments the models. More shots of Paris, and everything's beautiful, and everyone's having a wonderful time, and there's romantic music that takes us into the break with an honest-to-goodness closing-circle wipe. I'm surprised they didn't make it heart-shaped.
Commercials. This season's "fan favorite" will win $10,000 at the reunion special. Come on. We all know it's going to be Keith. Snerk.
New York. Welcome back, designers! Hope they didn't confiscate all your deodorant. Laura interviews that she enjoyed the trip, but is anxious to see who's moving on to the next round. Man, Kayne wasn't kidding about people being focused. I really hope everyone didn't walk off the plane and directly into the workroom to get ready for the show, but that's what we see. Although I suppose it would be amusing to see someone fall asleep while Nina's trying to critique them. Tim tells the designers they have two hours to fit their models and get them ready. The models come in. Camilla's adorable when she smiles. Kayne describes the challenge to Amanda, and interviews that he has to make considerable sizing changes from the model in Paris. Marilinda barks. She's a perfect match for Jeffrey. Vincent assures Jia of something as he, you guessed it, glues some more shit to his dress. Laura makes the unpleasant discovery that the collar that was so voluminous and vibrant in Paris is now crushed and wilted. She tries to spruce it up with her hands. Boring hair and makeup montage. Someone has given Camilla an ill-advised wig or weave.
Runway. Heidi comes out and asks if the designers enjoyed their trip to Paris. Michael, always the gentleman, thanks her. Heidi goes on to describe the entire challenge, which takes even longer than usual. Michael Kors and Nina are present, and our guest judge this week is "legendary" fashion designer Richard Tyler. Never heard of him. Not that that means anything, but what does mean something is his greasy, slicked-back mullet, unattractive stubble, and ill-fitting, boring gray blazer. Heidi tells us he's recently designed the Delta flight attendant uniforms, the ugliness of which I specifically noticed. I get the feeling I'm not going to put too much stock in this guy's opinion. Heidi reminds the designers that she said there will be a benefit to winning that will be revealed in a later challenge, which I thought referred to the jetsetter challenge, but I guess not. Let's start the show!
First up is Amanda, in Kayne's dress. Amanda is so, so pretty. The dress looks lovely from afar, although I have no idea how closely it adheres to the whole "couture" thing. The bodice is sleeveless and gold. The skirt is long and flowing, and incorporates gold and copper and brown. The back is fastened with an asymmetrical lace-up. We get a closeup on the dress, and here's the problem. The very black boning that Tim brought up earlier is clearly visible. Bleh. Next up is Camilla, in Laura's dress, and I just want to rip that wig off her head. The outfit looks exponentially less pretty than it did in Paris. It's a basic black dress with a deep lace collar in both the front and back, and the same frilly lace at the cuffs. Laura was unsuccessful in trying to breathe life back into the collar, so it looks flat and dull. She recognizes that she's in trouble on this one. Next is Lindsay, in Uli's dress. It's beautiful. Again, I don't know how close she came to "couture", because it looks very similar to dresses Uli's made before, but I've always liked Uli's work, so I'm happy. The dress is light purple, and there are two crisscrossed braiding straps on the shoulders. These come down to a semi-sheer bodice with some intricate detail sewn in. Then there are more braids at the waist that hang down, along with the flowing purple fabric, to make a fairly straight line. It's beautiful. Nina purses her lips, which worries me.
Next is Marilinda, in Jeffrey's dress. Bad thing first. I don't care for the draping. It's Jeffrey's typical "deconstructed" look, which means that I can't tell where one part of the dress ends and another begins. It just looks random, which I find unattractive. However. Marilinda really sells this outfit. The color is vibrant and pretty. It's the first thing that I've seen from Jeffrey that makes it look like he's trying to make the woman feel attractive, rather than using her as a moving billboard to proclaim how hardcore he is. He's thrilled with Marilinda, voicing-over that she was worlds better at showcasing the dress than the European model, and he's right. Jia, in Vincent's dress. It doesn't look as bad as I thought it would, but it's still not good. I don't know what his deal with shoulders is, but they're always awful. The top of the outfit is shiny gold. The bottom is that sofa-looking fabric that Uli mentioned. There's a fabric rose glued on the back that would do Angela proud. Vincent crazies-over that his outfit has a level of sophistication that the other designers lacked. Yeah, the negative fifty level. Nazri, in Michael's dress. It's my least favorite of his garments to date. I appreciate his efforts in trying something new, but the hand-ruching on his dress looks messy and uneven. The dress itself is a lovely shade of blueish-purple, but looks like it doesn't fit in the chest. The back is nice, though. Michael voices-over that he's sweating like a whore in church, and expects to be in the bottom two.
The designers wait on the runway while the scores are tabulated. Nobody is declared automatically safe. The models come back out. Uli. She describes how she tried to raise her quality level for this challenge by hiding the seams, which are usually very visible. Good answer. Heidi loves that it's toned down. Michael Kors also likes it, but it doesn't appeal as much to Richard. No, it wouldn't, since it doesn't make Lindsay look like she just staggered off the set as an extra in an Elvira movie. Kayne. He explains what he put into the outfit. The judges feel that it's too busy; that he throws too many elements into several of his outfits. I can't disagree, though I think they're being a little too hard on this particular dress. Jeffrey. Nina thinks he made the most creative gown on the runway. Michael Kors approves of the color choice. Richard says that he can tell that Marilinda loves wearing it. I agree, though I don't think that someone's score should be affected by how well the model acts. Shannon willingly strutted down the runway in exploding cupcakes, while made up to look like a deranged mime; doesn't mean it was pretty.
Vincent is asked what he made by hand. He says he used very expensive fabric, and that his outfit is soft and feminine. What that answer has to do with the question is beyond me. I guess we should be glad he's talking about the outfit at all, and not into a full psychotic episode where he thinks he's Mayor McCheese. He does point out some detail in the sleeve. Michael Kors dislikes the sleeve, but knows that's a matter of taste. What isn't is the fact that the sleeves don't fit at all. Nina points out that the dress would make more sense (and fit better) if the front were the back and vice versa. Another good point. Richard hates the rose on the back, and yeah. If there's one thing you want to avoid when your fabric looks like a couch cushion, it's a design element that looks like a couch cushion button cover. Michael. He gets in a preemptive strike about how this was his first time hand-ruching. The judges point out how messy it looks. Michael describes the egg incident, which doesn't really explain the ruching mess, but whatever. Heidi and Richard dislike the fabric that sticks up on the bodice. That's what was making it look so ill-fitted. When Nazri tucks the flaps of fabric in, it looks tons better. Laura's lifeless collar is taken to task. Michael Kors says that Camilla looks like a French maid. The designers are dismissed.
Deliberations. Catherine loved Uli's dress. Heidi likes it, too. Michael Kors appreciates the hand-work that went into it. Catherine gave Jeffrey a high score as well. The judges again bring up Marilinda's energy on the runway, and again, that shouldn't be the point. Catherine thinks Michael's was too heavily-draped. Richard seems to think that Michael should have somehow been prepared for the egg attack. Yep, it's official. Richard Tyler is a moron. Sometimes, you can judge a book by its cover. Catherine wasn't wild about Kayne's, and the judges are getting more and more fed up with his "taste level". Vincent's sucks from top to bottom. Hilariously, Catherine's notes on his dress are "NO... NO. NO. NO." Laura's looked old and uninteresting. The judges come to a decision.
This week's nice thing about someone I don't like: Generally, when I drive to and from Kansas City, half my time is spent yelling at truckers to get out of the left lane. This past weekend, if they got into the left lane at all, they passed quickly and smoothly, then got the hell back over.
Elimination. Tonight, we're going to start with the challenge's winner. It's Jeffrey. Eh. I suppose we can make this into a Choose Your Own Adventure. If you like Jeffrey, read paragraph (A). If you don't, read paragraph (B).
(A) Fair enough, I suppose. I liked Uli's dress more, but there's no denying that she sticks to her familiar design, while Jeffrey takes more risks, which is part of what couture is about. Plus, that fabric choice? Flawless.
(B) Of course Jeffrey won. Uli is quietly competent, always making pretty garments, while keeping the drama to a minimum. How is that any fun? Let's give the win to the villain with questionable taste so that we can justify his ride to the final three. Not that the show has ever let people sail into the finals on controversial personality alone. Wendy who? Santino what?
Heidi announces that starting with this challenge, no further winners will have immunity. I guess there's still that "advantage to winning" that we know nothing about. Jeffrey's happy, and refreshingly non-annoying in his interview. Back on the runway, Uli's in. Michael's in. Kayne's in. That leaves Laura and Vincent in the bottom two. I'm telling you right now, if this is another of those bullshit eliminations where Vincent is spared while someone far more talented gets cut, I will draw blood. I'm not quite sure whose. Vincent's dress lacked finishing and detail, and fit poorly. Laura's was predictable. Laura. Is. In. Oh, thank the heavens. FINALLY. The basket hat didn't do it, and the construction paper dress didn't do it, but we're finally free of Crazy McGee. He sad for "whatever reason he was judged out". Yeah, it was hard to call, Vincent. He's disappointed, but is not sorry he took the chance. Project Runway was a beautiful thing that, you guessed it, gets him off. Vincent? Go away. Far away.
Next week on Project Runway: Heidi introduces two very special guests. Laura cries. Laura! Cries! Perhaps we'll learn the fate of Clarissa, the model who apparently vanished into the ether the moment Angela was eliminated.
Also, I'm sensing some patterns. Here's my official prediction, barring a major fashion disaster: Next week, Kayne. Then Uli. That'll leave Jeffrey, Laura, and Michael to show at Fashion Week. Jeffrey will get third, Laura will get second, and Michael will win.
Overall Grade: B+
Previously on Project Runway: The designers were told to create an outfit for a hip-happenin' jetsetter -- themselves. Angela squealed happily, despite not knowing the first thing about how to approach the challenge. Everyone whipped their clothes together, then were whisked off to Paris. Catherine Malandrino popped in as a "host judge", and her first duty was to boot Angela right back to the states. Six designers remain. Who will be out tonight?
Opening credits. Jeez, check out Katie's outfit in the lineup. I realize simple, black dresses probably aren't her style, but man. If she can't even dress herself, it's no wonder she was punted early.
Paris! Either the color is washed out on purpose, or my TV sucks more than I thought, because the flag looks green, white, and red. Music almost directly stolen from the Amelie soundtrack brings us back to Parsons Paris. Tim gathers the designers in the workroom, and this must have been shot immediately after Angela left, because everyone's still wearing their jetsetting outfits. Tim informs Jeffrey that he has immunity for this challenge, and while I hate him, at least I don't have to spend the next hour hoping against hope that this'll be the week. Tim asks Catherine to introduce the next challenge. It will be to create a "couture" gown, which Tim will now attempt to explain. True couture designers have to be licensed, so the designers will only be implementing certain facets of couture. Emphasis is placed on very personal elements, such as hand-sewn hems, embroidery, and beading. I'm still confused. If the only difference between couture and non-couture is that someone sewed some intricate beading on, why is it taken so seriously, to the point that you need a governmental license? I'm not criticizing couture; I genuinely don't understand what sets it apart from other high-fashion gowns. Catherine tells everyone that they have two days to put their gowns together, which elicits the standard "Wah, that's not much time" response from the designers. The gowns will be presented at a party that Catherine will throw. After she leaves, Tim tells everyone that they can get settled in the hotel, and then he's taking them out to dinner. This is the first welcome announcement that the designers have heard in a while.
Hotel Lutetia. Kayne lists off his roommates one by one. He could have just said that he's in a room with all the other guys, but I suppose then he wouldn't be listening to himself for as long. He loves the view from their room, which is on the top floor. Laura's still getting adjusted to the fact that she's in France. Uli is happy to be back "home" in Europe. Jeffrey eats a kiwi like a monkey. I'm not just saying that to make fun of him. Seriously. He literally eats it like a chimpanzee would. The editors insert a clip of him being glad that Angela's gone that's clearly out of sequence, just to make him look like more of a dick. You don't need to do that, guys. He doesn't need the help. Tim comes in and admires the rooms. Everyone leaves for dinner. Michael interviews that he's very inspired by the city, as we see beautiful shots of everyone walking through Paris, admiring the pyramid in the courtyard of the Louvre and such. Laura voices-over that everyone walked to a French restaurant. No offense, Laura, but duuuuuuuuuuuuuuh. She's happy to have a little time to relax. Kayne toasts Jeffrey's first win. Aw, that's sweet. Night falls.
Morning. I have got to believe that they're washing the color out of these shots on purpose. God knows why, because it just makes the city look smoggy. Laura interviews that she's more worried about elimination now, because she seems to feel that all the weak links are gone. She's either very kind for ignoring the fact that Vincent's still here, or she's not fully awake yet. Tim shows up at the hotel room to find the guys sketching ideas for their gowns. He tells that they'll have more time to do that later, and takes everyone to the subway, where a man who's probably curious about the camera crew chats up Jeffrey. They take a long staircase up, which has got to be killing poor, pregnant Laura, and Jeffrey interviews that he's feeling very inspired by the city. Tim drops them off in a picturesque spot to draw for another half an hour. Michael interviews that he doesn't want to do anything too edgy or avant-garde, because he hasn't done this type of work before. But I thought being edgy was part of the whole couture thing? Nevermind. I'm not even going to pretend that I know what I'm talking about with this challenge. You'll never guess what effect couture gowns have on Vincent. That's right, it turns him on! That'd be the fourth reference to his sexual stimulation from clothing on this show. If he gets this much of a charge out of clothes, his poor wife must never be allowed to get undressed. How did she ever conceive a child? Everyone wraps up their drawings, and Tim gathers them to go shopping.
Fabric store. One hour to shop, and 300 Euros (that's about $375). Go! Laura's a little flustered, because she's so used to shopping at Mood. Uli wants to stick with a pattern she's comfortable with, but can add more to later. Jeffrey picks up a beautiful yellow plaid. He says that his inspiration is the Statue of Liberty. I'm so glad he spent all that time telling us how inspirational he finds Europe, only to pick an American landmark as his basis. He also interviews that he wants to be the first designer to win a challenge while having immunity. As a self-made goal, he could do worse, but he's making it sound like it'd be somehow more impressive than Michael's back-to-back win, which is isn't.
Workroom. Eight hours left. The designers have been assigned European models, because there's no way Bravo was going to fly all of our usual models out to Paris to hang out for three hours. Tim tells them that the gowns will need to be refitted for the models in New York. He gives them until midnight, then takes his leave with an awkwardly-placed "Make it work" in French. I wonder if he feels silly having to spout that catchphrase over and over. Uli interviews that there wasn't much time to figure out what to do, so she immediately began draping. She says that she's not using any crazy prints or colors this time, obviously taking last week's criticisms to heart. Laura wants to take a basic black dress with white collar and cuffs and "vamp it up". Michael wants to keep the basic silhouette of his dress very simple so that he'll have time for all the hand-sewing he's going to do. Kayne says that he's going to love his dress when he's through; that he'd put it on his best pageant girl. Laura tries to gently head him off at the pass by saying that if a he's designing to dress a pageant girl, he's in for some trouble. He says that it won't look overly pageanty at all, but Laura's unconvinced, interviewing that Kayne has a Vegas vibe that is already starting to show in this week's garment. Jeffrey interviews that it looks like more of a prom gown than a couture gown. Kayne hopes that it'll fit the model. Laura pulls a face.
One hour left. Vincent has stripped down to a wifebeater and shorts for apparently no reason. I guess he was overtaken by arousal from being surrounded by clothing and had to jerk off right there in the workroom. Ew, I grossed myself out. That's rare. He tries to convince us (and likely, himself) that his gown will be very classy and couture. Laura is again unconvinced. She has a completely awesome interview in which she sums up precisely what I think of Vincent. Let me see if I can get it all. "Vincent is, like, a legend in his own mind. He spends a lot of time working on his pattern on the mannequin, stepping back, admiring his work, and asking us other designers over for what he calls 'an opinion', but it's really he just wants us to come admire his work." She's so got him pegged. Kayne obligingly pays Vincent's gown some lip service before escaping back to his own workstation. Thirty minutes left. Laura asks Michael if he can pull off the scalloping he's got going. He says he'll damn sure try. Time winds down. Off to bed.
Day Two. Michael and Jeffrey are up, but Vincent's still in bed. Jeffrey turns on one of those loud electric shavers, and Vincent yells from beneath the covers that he's sleeping, and what's wrong with Jeffrey? I don't believe I have enough bandwidth to cover what's wrong with Jeffrey, but it looks like it's time to get up, Vincent. I can't be too hard on him. I'm impossible to get out of bed, too. Vincent calls Jeffrey a fuck, while Jeffrey stands on the balcony, shaving and looking mildly disturbed. That was funny.
Workroom. Twelve hours left. Everyone gets started, and Tim comes in to check on their progress. Michael has taped his model's headshot to the mannequin's neck. Hehehe. He's got his basic dress done, but still needs to incorporate all of the detail. He's worried about time, as is Tim, judging from his wrinkled forehead. Laura... Holy hell, what is Laura wearing? She's got a collared white shirt on, with the collar sticking straight up. The bottom of the shirt is tied into a knot that's resting on her pregnant belly. The only thing she's missing is a banjo and a jug with three X's on it. Tim confirms that she's done with the dress, and can focus on the collar, which is where all of the design element rests. Tim wants to know how far she's going to take the collar, and she responds that it's her only real shot at making an artistic statement, so I guess pretty far. The first thing Tim says to Kayne about his garment is "I want to say this to you in the spirit of somebody who wants you only to succeed." Rut roh. Tim goes on to say that the dress isn't working for him, mostly because of the visible black boning beneath the gold cloth of the bodice. Yeah, that's tacky. Kayne extrapolates this out to mean that Tim hates the entire outfit, which I don't think is the case. He also interviews that while Tim may hate it, Kayne himself thinks it's gorrrrrrrrrrgeous. Oh, well then I'm sure the judges will love it too. After all, didn't they fall all over themselves to compliment Kayne the last time he ignored Tim's advice? Oh, wait. Twit.
Commercials. You know who I'm really impressed by at parties? People who can't manage to wrangle ice cubes into their glass.
Six hours left. Jeffrey has worked himself up into a cackling fit, comparing the challenge to having two days to make an atom bomb. Laura tells the other designers that she's worried that Kayne (who isn't present) will have "his head handed to him on a ree-deek-coo-lus plate tomorrow". She seems genuinely concerned for him, which is nice. She says that she doesn't want to see him get hurt. "Who cares if he gets hurt?" Jeffrey retorts. "No one will buy that [gown]. Unless it's Halloween." See, editors? No need to splice misleading interview clips together. In the sewing room, Kayne says that he doesn't really have the time to change anything about his design as a response to Tim's criticisms, which is bullshit, but whatever. Laura has a sign on her workbench that reads "CAUTION -- 'FLEURCHAMPS' MAKING IN PROGRESS". Hehehe. Ouch. Poor, tasteless Angela. Vincent hates Laura's dress. He tells Jeffrey that it's horrible. Jeffrey agrees, saying that Laura only knows how to do one style of dress. So Jeffrey pretty much hates everyone's dress but his own. Shocking, I know. I guess I'm not more bothered about it because this week, his criticisms are more apt. Kayne's dress does look tacky and Laura does stick within a narrow design aesthetic.
Night falls. Four hours left. Michael is hand-ruching his fabric, and Vincent interviews that it's very poorly done. I guess Laura and Michael just don't understand how to make high-fashion gowns like Vincent "Basket Hat" Libretti does. Michael is nervous about it, and Jeffrey attacks a chicken leg as he tells him that Michael's given himself a lot of work to do. I think we've filled our quota of shots of Jeffrey eating now, show. Thanks. Jeffrey goes on to say that what Michael's doing is what Malan was attempting to do when he got eliminated, which Michael cautiously takes as a compliment. Vincent stresses over the time crunch. Uli feels pretty good about her garment, saying that you can still tell that it's an "Uli dress", but that it's more of a couture gown. She's constructed some wonderful braiding that is not attached to the dress yet. Jeffrey and Laura have a mini-spat over the hand-made things they've made before, but it doesn't really progress to anything. I have to say I'm relieved. It's nice to get back to an episode that's more about the clothes and the challenge than it is about how much a designer's attitude sucks. Work montage. Midnight hits, and everyone heads for the hotel. Cool little electronic gates open for the designers to board the subway, and Uli makes a face like she's scared one of them is about to take her arm off. Laura interviews that everyone's exhausted, but especially her, due to the pregnancy. I can certainly buy it. She's one of the most put-together people I've ever seen on television, and she looks like death warmed over right about now. Back at the hotel, Laura heads to bed while the others stay up for a drink and to rehash the challenge. Kayne once again disdains Tim's advice.
Morning. The designers are all dressed and ready to go except for Kayne. There's a shot of him shaving, and... Slow down, Kayne! Man, if I shaved with quick little downward strokes like that, it'd take me three hours. He interviews that everyone's very focused on the challenge. After more washed-out shots of Paris, we're back at the workroom. There are three hours until the party. Uli interviews that Vincent's dress is not finished, and that his fabric choice reminds her of a sofa. She's right. I think my grandmother had some chairs upholstered in a very similar pattern. Michael is still nervous about never having fully hand-sewn a garment before. Tim pops in to tell them he's sending in the models, and that they have two and a half hours to get fully ready. Laura wants to know if they'll be having a traditional runway walk, but Tim won't spill the beans.
Various European models whose names I'm not bothering to learn stream in. The designers begin the fitting. Tim asks Vincent what he's doing. He's still got to sew the bottom hem. Tim asks him if he's got time to hand-sew the hem, and Vincent is confident that he can. Michael's model is smaller than he expected, so he has to take the dress in four sizes. Yipes. Laura tells her model that she's going to be warm in her wool dress. Her model doesn't seem to care. Kayne fits his model, and throws out a few more "Gorrrrrgeous!" Laura pulls another face. Vincent is gluing the shit out of his dress. No, really. Again, I don't pretend to know dick about couture gowns, but after all the condescending twaddle he's been throwing towards Laura and Michael this episode, he's slathering glue all over a dress that is supposed to emphasize hand-sewn detail. Not only is he gluing details onto the dress, but he's actually gluing the hem he assured Tim he had time to sew onto the bottom. He has an interview in which he dismissively snots that of course he didn't have time to finish. Making a couture gown in two days is impossible. Well, sure. It's not like there are five other people standing in the room who did just that. Models are still getting dressed when Tim gives the five-minute warning. Michael tells his model that he realizes his dress isn't the best, but he wants her to act as if it's the prettiest gown she's ever seen. Tim announces that it's time to go, and practically has to drag Vincent out with a hook.
Commercials. I know this will bring a mob with torches and pitchforks to my door, but Bob Dylan is an awful singer. A terrific musician, and a gifted songwriter, but an awful, awful singer.
The designers and models stroll down the street. That cannot be comfortable for those poor girls. At least the New York models only have to walk a short distance, and all indoors. Tim grandly presents the party destination: a large boat on the Seine. Neat. As everyone approaches the boat, dark and foreboding music sweeps in. Are these people about to be attacked by sharks? We don't exactly see what happens next, but it appears as if someone on a balcony lobs an egg down on the group. I've freeze-framed it on the culprit, but I can't really figure out an age or gender. Really, it looks like Fat Elvis. What an ass. Who knows why he/she did this, but it may have been racial, since the egg landed splat in front of Michael's model, smattering the bottom of the dress with goo. Aw, that sucks. Michael, already unhappy about how his gown looks, is sunk even lower in despair. He naturally heads straight for the champagne. Catherine greets everyone, and says she's very impressed at first view with what the designers have achieved in two days. They have a toast. Kayne has an interview in which he's drawn a very thin moustache and beard on his face, tilts a beret at a kicky angle, and enthusiastically jabbers in a broad French accent. Heh. I'm glad he's having fun.
The boat takes off for a lovely cruise down the river. Catherine makes the rounds. She tries to read Jeffrey's neck tattoos, and he's thrilled, because he's finally getting the attention that the damn things were put there for. She has his model do a turn, and tells him that it was very daring and audacious to do an evening gown in cotton. Next is Laura. Catherine thinks it's very interesting to do an evening gown that covers the arms. She tells Kayne that it's brave to have such an open lace in the back, but that it fits his model perfectly. She approaches Michael's dress to look at the detail up close, but we never hear her reaction to it. She asks Vincent about his inspiration. He can't come up with anything, so he launches into some of the most poorly-covered ass-kissing I've ever had the embarrassment to witness. "You are one of the most sensational women I've ever laid my eyes on. Everything about you -- your hair, [something, something], your persona..." Jeffrey shakes his head, and even though he's wearing sunglasses, you can feel his eyes rolling. And for one, brief, shining moment? I totally feel you, Jeffrey. Vincent continues on in this vein until he asks Catherine if she feels the dress is too "throwback" or if it's modern. "It's an interesting dress," she says. Huh. Guess that brown-nosing about her "persona" didn't work. Who woulda thunk?
Catherine would like to see the dresses in motion and tells them the models are going to do a walk. Tim explains that Catherine will be scoring the dresses, and that her scores will be added to the New York judging scores. We'll get to the actual outfits then. Walk, walk, walk. Tim collects the scorecards, and with that dispensed with, everyone's free to enjoy the rest of the evening. Ah. We finally see Catherine talk with Uli about her garment, which she calls "light" and "effortless". Catherine was very carefully diplomatic with all the designers. She didn't say that she outright liked or disliked anything. Well played, madam. Kayne compliments the models. More shots of Paris, and everything's beautiful, and everyone's having a wonderful time, and there's romantic music that takes us into the break with an honest-to-goodness closing-circle wipe. I'm surprised they didn't make it heart-shaped.
Commercials. This season's "fan favorite" will win $10,000 at the reunion special. Come on. We all know it's going to be Keith. Snerk.
New York. Welcome back, designers! Hope they didn't confiscate all your deodorant. Laura interviews that she enjoyed the trip, but is anxious to see who's moving on to the next round. Man, Kayne wasn't kidding about people being focused. I really hope everyone didn't walk off the plane and directly into the workroom to get ready for the show, but that's what we see. Although I suppose it would be amusing to see someone fall asleep while Nina's trying to critique them. Tim tells the designers they have two hours to fit their models and get them ready. The models come in. Camilla's adorable when she smiles. Kayne describes the challenge to Amanda, and interviews that he has to make considerable sizing changes from the model in Paris. Marilinda barks. She's a perfect match for Jeffrey. Vincent assures Jia of something as he, you guessed it, glues some more shit to his dress. Laura makes the unpleasant discovery that the collar that was so voluminous and vibrant in Paris is now crushed and wilted. She tries to spruce it up with her hands. Boring hair and makeup montage. Someone has given Camilla an ill-advised wig or weave.
Runway. Heidi comes out and asks if the designers enjoyed their trip to Paris. Michael, always the gentleman, thanks her. Heidi goes on to describe the entire challenge, which takes even longer than usual. Michael Kors and Nina are present, and our guest judge this week is "legendary" fashion designer Richard Tyler. Never heard of him. Not that that means anything, but what does mean something is his greasy, slicked-back mullet, unattractive stubble, and ill-fitting, boring gray blazer. Heidi tells us he's recently designed the Delta flight attendant uniforms, the ugliness of which I specifically noticed. I get the feeling I'm not going to put too much stock in this guy's opinion. Heidi reminds the designers that she said there will be a benefit to winning that will be revealed in a later challenge, which I thought referred to the jetsetter challenge, but I guess not. Let's start the show!
First up is Amanda, in Kayne's dress. Amanda is so, so pretty. The dress looks lovely from afar, although I have no idea how closely it adheres to the whole "couture" thing. The bodice is sleeveless and gold. The skirt is long and flowing, and incorporates gold and copper and brown. The back is fastened with an asymmetrical lace-up. We get a closeup on the dress, and here's the problem. The very black boning that Tim brought up earlier is clearly visible. Bleh. Next up is Camilla, in Laura's dress, and I just want to rip that wig off her head. The outfit looks exponentially less pretty than it did in Paris. It's a basic black dress with a deep lace collar in both the front and back, and the same frilly lace at the cuffs. Laura was unsuccessful in trying to breathe life back into the collar, so it looks flat and dull. She recognizes that she's in trouble on this one. Next is Lindsay, in Uli's dress. It's beautiful. Again, I don't know how close she came to "couture", because it looks very similar to dresses Uli's made before, but I've always liked Uli's work, so I'm happy. The dress is light purple, and there are two crisscrossed braiding straps on the shoulders. These come down to a semi-sheer bodice with some intricate detail sewn in. Then there are more braids at the waist that hang down, along with the flowing purple fabric, to make a fairly straight line. It's beautiful. Nina purses her lips, which worries me.
Next is Marilinda, in Jeffrey's dress. Bad thing first. I don't care for the draping. It's Jeffrey's typical "deconstructed" look, which means that I can't tell where one part of the dress ends and another begins. It just looks random, which I find unattractive. However. Marilinda really sells this outfit. The color is vibrant and pretty. It's the first thing that I've seen from Jeffrey that makes it look like he's trying to make the woman feel attractive, rather than using her as a moving billboard to proclaim how hardcore he is. He's thrilled with Marilinda, voicing-over that she was worlds better at showcasing the dress than the European model, and he's right. Jia, in Vincent's dress. It doesn't look as bad as I thought it would, but it's still not good. I don't know what his deal with shoulders is, but they're always awful. The top of the outfit is shiny gold. The bottom is that sofa-looking fabric that Uli mentioned. There's a fabric rose glued on the back that would do Angela proud. Vincent crazies-over that his outfit has a level of sophistication that the other designers lacked. Yeah, the negative fifty level. Nazri, in Michael's dress. It's my least favorite of his garments to date. I appreciate his efforts in trying something new, but the hand-ruching on his dress looks messy and uneven. The dress itself is a lovely shade of blueish-purple, but looks like it doesn't fit in the chest. The back is nice, though. Michael voices-over that he's sweating like a whore in church, and expects to be in the bottom two.
The designers wait on the runway while the scores are tabulated. Nobody is declared automatically safe. The models come back out. Uli. She describes how she tried to raise her quality level for this challenge by hiding the seams, which are usually very visible. Good answer. Heidi loves that it's toned down. Michael Kors also likes it, but it doesn't appeal as much to Richard. No, it wouldn't, since it doesn't make Lindsay look like she just staggered off the set as an extra in an Elvira movie. Kayne. He explains what he put into the outfit. The judges feel that it's too busy; that he throws too many elements into several of his outfits. I can't disagree, though I think they're being a little too hard on this particular dress. Jeffrey. Nina thinks he made the most creative gown on the runway. Michael Kors approves of the color choice. Richard says that he can tell that Marilinda loves wearing it. I agree, though I don't think that someone's score should be affected by how well the model acts. Shannon willingly strutted down the runway in exploding cupcakes, while made up to look like a deranged mime; doesn't mean it was pretty.
Vincent is asked what he made by hand. He says he used very expensive fabric, and that his outfit is soft and feminine. What that answer has to do with the question is beyond me. I guess we should be glad he's talking about the outfit at all, and not into a full psychotic episode where he thinks he's Mayor McCheese. He does point out some detail in the sleeve. Michael Kors dislikes the sleeve, but knows that's a matter of taste. What isn't is the fact that the sleeves don't fit at all. Nina points out that the dress would make more sense (and fit better) if the front were the back and vice versa. Another good point. Richard hates the rose on the back, and yeah. If there's one thing you want to avoid when your fabric looks like a couch cushion, it's a design element that looks like a couch cushion button cover. Michael. He gets in a preemptive strike about how this was his first time hand-ruching. The judges point out how messy it looks. Michael describes the egg incident, which doesn't really explain the ruching mess, but whatever. Heidi and Richard dislike the fabric that sticks up on the bodice. That's what was making it look so ill-fitted. When Nazri tucks the flaps of fabric in, it looks tons better. Laura's lifeless collar is taken to task. Michael Kors says that Camilla looks like a French maid. The designers are dismissed.
Deliberations. Catherine loved Uli's dress. Heidi likes it, too. Michael Kors appreciates the hand-work that went into it. Catherine gave Jeffrey a high score as well. The judges again bring up Marilinda's energy on the runway, and again, that shouldn't be the point. Catherine thinks Michael's was too heavily-draped. Richard seems to think that Michael should have somehow been prepared for the egg attack. Yep, it's official. Richard Tyler is a moron. Sometimes, you can judge a book by its cover. Catherine wasn't wild about Kayne's, and the judges are getting more and more fed up with his "taste level". Vincent's sucks from top to bottom. Hilariously, Catherine's notes on his dress are "NO... NO. NO. NO." Laura's looked old and uninteresting. The judges come to a decision.
This week's nice thing about someone I don't like: Generally, when I drive to and from Kansas City, half my time is spent yelling at truckers to get out of the left lane. This past weekend, if they got into the left lane at all, they passed quickly and smoothly, then got the hell back over.
Elimination. Tonight, we're going to start with the challenge's winner. It's Jeffrey. Eh. I suppose we can make this into a Choose Your Own Adventure. If you like Jeffrey, read paragraph (A). If you don't, read paragraph (B).
(A) Fair enough, I suppose. I liked Uli's dress more, but there's no denying that she sticks to her familiar design, while Jeffrey takes more risks, which is part of what couture is about. Plus, that fabric choice? Flawless.
(B) Of course Jeffrey won. Uli is quietly competent, always making pretty garments, while keeping the drama to a minimum. How is that any fun? Let's give the win to the villain with questionable taste so that we can justify his ride to the final three. Not that the show has ever let people sail into the finals on controversial personality alone. Wendy who? Santino what?
Heidi announces that starting with this challenge, no further winners will have immunity. I guess there's still that "advantage to winning" that we know nothing about. Jeffrey's happy, and refreshingly non-annoying in his interview. Back on the runway, Uli's in. Michael's in. Kayne's in. That leaves Laura and Vincent in the bottom two. I'm telling you right now, if this is another of those bullshit eliminations where Vincent is spared while someone far more talented gets cut, I will draw blood. I'm not quite sure whose. Vincent's dress lacked finishing and detail, and fit poorly. Laura's was predictable. Laura. Is. In. Oh, thank the heavens. FINALLY. The basket hat didn't do it, and the construction paper dress didn't do it, but we're finally free of Crazy McGee. He sad for "whatever reason he was judged out". Yeah, it was hard to call, Vincent. He's disappointed, but is not sorry he took the chance. Project Runway was a beautiful thing that, you guessed it, gets him off. Vincent? Go away. Far away.
Next week on Project Runway: Heidi introduces two very special guests. Laura cries. Laura! Cries! Perhaps we'll learn the fate of Clarissa, the model who apparently vanished into the ether the moment Angela was eliminated.
Also, I'm sensing some patterns. Here's my official prediction, barring a major fashion disaster: Next week, Kayne. Then Uli. That'll leave Jeffrey, Laura, and Michael to show at Fashion Week. Jeffrey will get third, Laura will get second, and Michael will win.
Overall Grade: B+
Monday, September 04, 2006
Party Foul
Project Runway - Season 3, Episode 8
Previously on Project Runway: The designers made clothes for the "everyday" woman, assuming the everyday woman had a lifetime to inflict emotional abuse or pass on undeserved rampant senses of entitlement (also known as their sisters and mothers, respectively). Robert had no idea how to dress a woman that doesn't have Barbie's measurements. Angela's mother was a passive-aggressive nit, but was fortunate enough to be paired with Jeffrey, who wiped out any transgression she ever could have committed by being his usual unpleasant self. Vincent inexplicably won the challenge, while Robert was very explicably eliminated. Seven designers remain. Who will be out tonight?
Opening credits. Stacey is nowhere to be seen. I can't even pick her out of a freeze frame of the final lineup of all fifteen contestants.
Morning. Atlas. Gay porn shot of Kayne. Stop assaulting me, Kayne's armpit hair! He interviews that it was tough to see Robert go, but is understandably glad that he himself is still in the running. Vincent says he was happy for his win, which is shown over a shot of him looking like he'd like to blow his brains out. Is this Vincent when he's happy? I guess I should just be glad he's not still talking about how his own outfits make him want to jizz. Laura interviews that being pregnant will not stop her from being competitive on the show. Bitch, please. Fighting off an axe-wielding maniac while simultaneously balancing Chile's budget wouldn't stop you from being competitive on the show. Meanwhile, Jeffrey's being typically tiresome (something about "letting" Angela smoke), so let's just move on. Angela interviews that she would have been relieved to see Jeffrey eliminated. You and me both, sister.
Runway. Heidi comes out holding the velvet bag. Yay, velvet bag! Her bangs are aggressively ugly this week. She brings out the models, two of which will have to go tonight. This will be the second time some poor model will be eliminated in the week after one where she didn't even walk. Sad. Every single one of the seven designers sticks with the model they already have. Zzzzz. Zulema may have been a bitch, but at least she kept things interesting. That means Alexandra (Alison's model) and Danielle the Sevenhead (Robert's model) will be the ones to go. All of my favorites are still in it. I don't think I've ever seen the models I enjoy the most last this long. Amanda, being the last model chosen, comes backstage and freaks the fuck out because she's still in the running. The other models look at her blankly. Lindsay cements herself even further as one of my favorites by interviewing that while all the models want to win, "Amanda feels she 'deserves' [complete with air-quote fingers -- Limecrete] a lot of things." Lindsay is awesome. Back on the runway, Heidi tells the designers that the next challenge is to design an outfit for a hip, international jetsetter. Kayne seems to think that it's going to be Tara Reid, like anyone has the slightest bit of respect for her these days. Heidi sends them off, and adds that there are benefits to winning this challenge that won't be revealed until a later one. Nothing about immunity is mentioned.
At the workroom, Tim lets the designers in on the fact that the "hip, international jetsetter" that they will be designing for is, in fact, themselves. Well, there goes my guess about flight attendants. I take it from Angela's spaz attack that we're supposed to find this challenge shocking and/or fascinating. I frankly don't. I'm interested to see the outfits, but the challenge itself seems pretty dull. Uli is excited for this challenge, while Vincent, still looking like he's about to throw himself into the East River, interviews that he's never made menswear before. Hey, Keith "never" "made" womenswear, and he took the first challenge. Tim tells the designers that they'll be modeling their own looks, so yet another model will be eliminated for a show she didn't walk in. Sigh. The designers again only have one day to complete the outfit, and have a budget of $75. Yipes, that's not much. Tim gives them fifteen minutes to sketch.
We get a montage of interviews from the designers about what they feel a "jetsetter" is, which is boring. Vincent and Kayne make note of the fact that a jetsetter's outfit should travel well. Angela interviews that she has some trouble with the jetsetter concept, since she and her husband live on a farm. Her hair has magically recurled itself in between her two interviews. Nice job, editors. Laura wants to save time by making a simple cocktail dress. Vincent continues to fret over his lack of menswear experience. Jeffrey wants to do a rock n' roll outfit. Time runs out, and Tim leads the designers out into the rainy street to go shop for fabric. Kayne picks out a fabric best described as "gay Monarch butterfly". Jeffrey disdains the fabric (calling it very "Liberace"), because he disdains everything. Yawn. Sadly, I agree with him on this one. He buys some purple wool.
Back at the workroom, people lay out their fabrics. Uli has bought a whole bunch of wacky-ass prints. I think she's used a wacky-ass print in every single challenge in which the designers bought their own materials. She says that the party dresses she wears are something "you can wear the whole evening; even if you get vaaaysted." Hahaha. I'll bet Drunk Uli is fun. Angela continues scratching her head over the whole jetsetting outfit idea. Vincent stands around in his underwear, examining his pants on the table to try and get an idea of how to make them. He does seem admirably determined to get over this hurdle.
Hey, remember last week when Jeffrey and Angela's mom didn't get along? Remember how there was a bunch of fighting, and Jeffrey was a fuckstick about the whole thing? Remember how Jeffrey's outfit wound up sucking? No, you don't. Of course you don't! Why else would the show feel the need to rehash the whole fucking thing right now? I'll save us some time. Jeffrey and Angela have another stupid spat. The end.
Commercials. I think I'll pass on that show about annoying people helping other annoying people buy overpriced houses from yet more annoying people.
It seems to be the modus operandi to have one of the designers recap the entire challenge after the first commercial break. I'll assume you can cast your mind back ten minutes without the help. Vincent continues plugging away, and is very pleased with himself for being able to make a pair of men's pants. Even though I think Vincent should have been eliminated the very first week, that is really impressive. Tim comes in to check on everyone. He doesn't really understand Jeffrey's outfit, but leaves him to his own devices. Laura's trying to break out of her usual mold, and is feeling pretty good about her cocktail dress so far. Of course, as she explains to us, she felt good about the last one too, which the judges hated. Tim hates Kayne's idea of draping the butterfly print across the back of his shirt, saying that it looks very "Elvis". He's right. Kayne shooes him away, of course, because Tim's advice sucks. People who ignore his criticisms are always fine. Right, Raymundo? Lupe? Nick? Malan? Katie? Tim tells Michael to give more thought to the shirt he'll be wearing under the jacket he's designed. Michael seems amenable, but is worried about the time crunch. Angela's outfit is looking arty-craftsy, as she is wont to do. Tim doesn't like it, but quickly realizes that she's not going to change her design. He tells her she can stick to her guns, as long as she's willing to stand by it at the judging. After telling the designers that they can't count on any additional time in the morning, Tim takes his leave.
Two hours until the deadline. Work montage. Kayne works on Vincent's sewing machine, because God forbid anyone use their own fucking machine on this show. Angela messes something up on a machine. No news there. Jeffrey dislikes other people's outfits. Still no news. Angela has stuck those goddamned rosettes in a flower shape on each buttcheek of her pants. Wake me if these people do anything they haven't done in four other episodes. Jeffrey finishes his outfit, and of course is massively proud of himself, because he only operates on two levels: (1) Yay, me! (2) Boo, someone who's not me! After the deadline has passed, and everyone's back at the Atlas, Michael gives Kayne some modeling tips. He makes it look pretty effortless. The next morning, people wake up and look suitably horrible. Especially Angela, who wears two of the ugliest outfits ever constructed in quick succession. Still, I shouldn't complain. At least they're not bubble skirts. Laura interviews that she's not ready to be eliminated. The designers leave, and... Gaaaack! Angela's wearing a bubble skirt! Why did I have to open my fat mouth?
Workroom. Tim tells the designers they have an hour to get themselves through hair and makeup and to get dressed. A couple of tiresome scenes follow, in which Jeffrey fancies himself funny. I hiked seven miles through a forest today. I don't have the energy for Jeffrey. Angela's hair is straightened. Then it magically recurls itself again. Then it magically restraightens itself again. Who needs to design? She could make a living just doing that trick. She looks much better with straighter hair, which I've come to expect. Other people get their hair and makeup done, but Michael wisely decides that it's unnecessary for him, and uses the time to finish up his shirt. Designers disrobe to get their outfits on. I'm now more intimately acquainted with Kayne's manboobs than I ever needed to be. Laura looks... I'd better save it for the runway show. She joins the ever-growing list of people who finds Kayne's outfit tacky.
Commercials. Yeah. If the volume of a woman's eyelashes ever causes you to spill a drink, you're officially too shallow.
Runway. Heidi comes out to address the other judges, since the designers are still backstage. The guest judge this week will be Francisco Costa, creative director of Calvin Klein. Blah blah challenge recap, and we're off! First up is Vincent, who still looks morose. He also looks freaking boring. I mean, congrats on being able to make pants and all, but he's wearing a plain black sweater, plain black pants, and flip flops. Yeah, he's totally the next great American designer. We know the next silhouette is going to be Jeffrey, because he tries to strike an awesome "ROCK ON!" pose, but it lands closer to "HEIL HITLER!" The outfit itself isn't bad. Black pants and shirt, but unlike Vincent, he's provided some ornamentation. There's a silver pattern on the chest, and ugh... Studded buttons on his crotch. Anywhere know where I put my ipecac? He's also made a short blazer out of the purple wool, which looks very good. Don't think I'm not pained by admitting that he's made a cool outfit, and that he's adhered to the challenge's parameters really well. Oh, Angela. Angela, Angela, Angela. She's got a raspberry-colored peasant tank top and brown linen pants. There are some ill-advised accessories at her beltline, but the real travesty are those awful flower rosettes on her ass. Francisco is slack-jawed.
Next up is Laura. Wowsers. Laura looks fan-freaking-tastic. Her dress is a simple, sleeveless, peach-colored garment that's bunched at the waist, and has a bow in the back that trails down to the bottom of the dress. My boss said that she didn't care for the color, because it's too close to Laura's skin tone, but I think it looks great. She's helped by the fact that the stylists have made her hair look wonderful. Up next is Michael. He's made white cargo pants with hanging straps for that ghetto look he's striving for. He's followed Tim's advice and layered two white short-sleeve shirts on top. He looks fairly good, though I don't see much in the way of jetsetting except those straps. And he's also very good at the modeling itself, which is especially offset by the fact that Kayne is next. Kayne walks down the runway like he's doing a sobriety test. He's made a belt that reads "KAYNE" in rhinestones. And that butterfly print on his back? Just as tacky as Jeffrey and Tim and Laura and I thought. Finally, Uli comes out, puts her hands on her hips, and stomps down the runway like she's about to kick all of our asses. Her dress is long, and has several layers of different wacky-ass prints. It's a little Chiquita Banana girl for my tastes, but is vibrant and would certainly get her noticed at "international parties". Her silhouette does a little kick as she leaves the runway.
The designers line up on the runway, and the judges tabulate their scores. Heidi introduces the judges for the designers' benefit. Then to the questions. Uli explains that her dress is versatile, and can be worn on the beach with flip-flops, or she can put on higher shoes to go straight to a party. I can buy that. Francisco wipes his eye as he says he appreciates her design talent, but thinks it's over-the-top. Michael Kors thinks the dress is too limited in the geography of the parties where it would work. For example, it would look great in the Caribbean, but not London. The judges also warn Uli that she's becoming a bit one-note (which is exactly what they told Chloe, so shut up, judges). Angela presents her "Angela details" AKA fucking rosettes AKA those things that people have expressly told her are hideous. Kors tells her that she's chosen the worst fabric possible for her shorts, given that linen wrinkles so easily. Francisco wipes his eye again as he tells her what an impractical fabric choice she's made. Dude, it's called Visine. Look into it. Laura explains her dress. There's not much to it. Francisco questions the knot in the back and if she could sit on a plane comfortably, but Kors defends her by saying that the knot could easily be put to the front temporarily. Has Nina said a single word yet? Oh, here she goes. She says that Laura's dress will look chic and smart in pretty much every setting.
Jeffrey smarms about his outfit. Francisco thinks he looks great. Heidi thinks he stretched the budget very well, and Nina thinks his outfit is very current. Vincent stresses the comfort and wearability of his outfit. Well, there's no way he could have emphasized his design choices, given that he didn't seem to make any. Francisco thinks he looks great. Francisco is a "creative director"? And he thinks solid black on solid black, with absolutely no elaboration either in design or construction is terrific? Um, OK. No wonder he thought Uli's outfit was over-the-top. Nina and Kors are not impressed. The nerve of them expecting some DESIGN to go into a DESIGN challenge. Michael explains his outfit, and mentions that his fabric is seersucker, which was brilliant. As Kors says, seersucker travels well because it's already wrinkled, so you can't mess it up. All the judges think he looks clean and smart. I can't keep up with Kayne's jabber about his outfit. His enthusiasm does not sway the judges. Nina brings up Elvis, which is exactly what Tim warned Kayne against. Bozo. Kors admires the construction, but says that Kayne's outfit looks like a costume.
Heidi tells the designers that one of them will be the winner, and one of them will be out... But not tonight. Heidi elaborates that they want to see how the outfits travel. Laura has apparently taken up the banner from Alison, because she turns to Jeffrey with a knowing smile. She leaves the nod out, though. The designers will be sent on a trip. Horrible clown grin from Angela. Heidi tells them there are plane tickets waiting for them at the Atlas, and they have one hour to pack and get to the airport. Uh, huh. Sure, I have to show up a minimum of two hours in advance of my flight out of a Midwestern city, but I'm sure the designers can get to their apartments, pack, get to the airport, and get through security with a camera crew in tow in the most populated city in America in an hour. I guess Heidi never said the plane actually takes off in an hour, so she's probably just imposing some phoney-baloney time limit on them that makes no difference whatsoever. The designers jog off the runway.
Commercials. Ooh, a new Josh Hartnett movie! Just because every single one of his previous ones have sucked doesn't mean this one has to!
Nobody knows what's going on or where they're going or what to pack or how long they'll be gone. It's still raining as the designers walk back to the Atlas and discover that their tickets don't have a destination printed on them. You know, they're those special tickets that don't have to have all the information printed out beforehand. You can get them at any airport or travel agent. In Fantasyland. More various filler interviews about how nobody knows anything. Yawn. Once at the airport, the designers go to a kiosk, swipe their passports, and type in some sort of confirmation number. Turns out they're off to Paris. Good thing they're flying Delta, because United clearly states that they fly the friendly skies, and if they did that, they'd have to leave Jeffrey behind. All of the designers are excited to go to Paris. Kayne's eyes about bug out of his head. Laura's just happy because it sounds like their seats are in first class. Heh. They board, and the flight attendant brings them champagne and thinks to herself, "Crap. Why couldn't their jetsetting challenge be to design a new outfit for us? I look like a vampiric hooker." As the designers settle, Tim boards the plane. Everyone's happy to see him. Let's hope he won't be in charge of giving the safety lecture. Kayne will just tune him out, and then what would he do when the oxygen masks drop? Laura says that she's very comfortable in her dress, though she did move the knot to the front. Jeffrey's just looking forward to getting some sleep.
The plane takes off, and there's unfortunately not a cartoon of the designers' heads bobbling in the window as a cartoon plane flies across a cartoon map. Accordion music brings us to Paris. It's very beautiful, but after a few years of watching America's Next Top Model and The Amazing Race, watching other people's wonder and delight at discovering Paris has worn really thin. Get back to me when you can fly me to Paris, show. Vincent interviews that his outfit didn't wrinkle at all on the trip. The designers pull up to Parsons' Paris location. They stream into Le Chambre de Travailler. That's the workroom. Maybe. Sorry, I minored in Spanish. Angela loves her new surroundings. Not to give away the ending, but oof. Uli wonders why there are only six workstations, and is reminded that someone's still got to be eliminated. That kills everyone's joy. Michael steels himself for the elimination, though he's got to know that he's safe this week. Kayne interviews that he wants to make the final three. I don't see it happening, frankly. The music wants us to think that one of these people is about to get stabbed in the shower. It changes to a peppier beat when Tim brings in Catherine Malandrino, a fashion designer who's acting as a guest judge. He also informs the designers that someone's getting eliminated pretty much right now. Dun dun duuuuuuun!
Commercials. Look, I like a lot of people on Project Runway. On the show. I really don't care how they spend their free time.
Laura interviews that it's pretty cruel to fly someone to Paris, eliminate them moments later, then send them back home. Yep. Tim explains that Catherine's score plus the original judging scores will determine the winner and loser. Catherine has a heavy accent, but manages to tell the designers that she's there to judge how well the outfit traveled. The camera pans the designers, and of course as it passes Angela, she gives another of her patented huge, fake grins. God, I hate those. The designers will walk from the back table to the front table and back again. Angela's linen wrinkled horribly. She claims she likes it better that way. Kayne's is fine. Vincent's is fine. Jeffrey's is fine. Laura's is fine. Michael's is fine. Uli's is fine. Wasn't that riveting? Tim collects the scorecards. Laura is in. Vincent is in. And now the winner, which Catherine will announce. She says it was a close race between Michael and Jeffrey. Ultimately, Jeffrey wins. I can't say he doesn't deserve it, but I'm not going to pretend to be happy that the little worm just scrounged up some validation for his shitty attitude. He is, of course, completely graceless about it in his interview. So Michael is naturally in. Uli is in. That leaves Kayne and Angela. For some reason, the bottom two admonitions fall to Catherine, who can barely pronounce the designers' names. She tells Kayne that he looks ridiculous, as if he were a fake pop star. Angela is coming from another world (boy, I'll say so), and doesn't represent a jetsetter. Angela. Is. Out.
Of course, with every other elimination so far on this show (except for Keith), Tim tells the person that he's sorry, that everyone will miss him/her, or that someone had to go. In this case, he just bluntly tells Angela to clean up her workspace and go. And with every other elimination so far on this show (including Keith), the eliminated designer got to have first crack at some closing comments. In this case, we immediately cut to fucking Jeffrey who fucking tells us how fucking happy he is that Angela just got flown halfway across the world and cut in five minutes. Listen, I'm not sorry that Angela is eliminated. She has arguably the worst taste of anyone in the history of this show (possibly excepting Lupe), pathetically hogged every iota of attention that she could, and rode people's coattails through multiple challenges. That said? Fucking grant the woman some decency and respect. I actively felt really sorry for her here, and when you make me want to stick up for someone who sewed granny-circle flowers on her ass, something's not right. In her final interview (Oh, she gets one? We don't just have to listen to other people slag her?), she says that she's really learned a lot, and that you can't let other people's opinion of you rattle you. Well, maybe you ought to take their criticisms of your rosettes to heart, sweetie.
Next week on Project Runway: A difficult challenge. Perhaps a party of some kind? I don't know; they really ought to give Catherine subtitles. Laura is beginning to look really pregnant. Kayne is beginning to look really eliminated. Jeffrey's a dick some more. I know. I'm just as tired of typing it as you are of reading it.
Overall Grade: C-
Previously on Project Runway: The designers made clothes for the "everyday" woman, assuming the everyday woman had a lifetime to inflict emotional abuse or pass on undeserved rampant senses of entitlement (also known as their sisters and mothers, respectively). Robert had no idea how to dress a woman that doesn't have Barbie's measurements. Angela's mother was a passive-aggressive nit, but was fortunate enough to be paired with Jeffrey, who wiped out any transgression she ever could have committed by being his usual unpleasant self. Vincent inexplicably won the challenge, while Robert was very explicably eliminated. Seven designers remain. Who will be out tonight?
Opening credits. Stacey is nowhere to be seen. I can't even pick her out of a freeze frame of the final lineup of all fifteen contestants.
Morning. Atlas. Gay porn shot of Kayne. Stop assaulting me, Kayne's armpit hair! He interviews that it was tough to see Robert go, but is understandably glad that he himself is still in the running. Vincent says he was happy for his win, which is shown over a shot of him looking like he'd like to blow his brains out. Is this Vincent when he's happy? I guess I should just be glad he's not still talking about how his own outfits make him want to jizz. Laura interviews that being pregnant will not stop her from being competitive on the show. Bitch, please. Fighting off an axe-wielding maniac while simultaneously balancing Chile's budget wouldn't stop you from being competitive on the show. Meanwhile, Jeffrey's being typically tiresome (something about "letting" Angela smoke), so let's just move on. Angela interviews that she would have been relieved to see Jeffrey eliminated. You and me both, sister.
Runway. Heidi comes out holding the velvet bag. Yay, velvet bag! Her bangs are aggressively ugly this week. She brings out the models, two of which will have to go tonight. This will be the second time some poor model will be eliminated in the week after one where she didn't even walk. Sad. Every single one of the seven designers sticks with the model they already have. Zzzzz. Zulema may have been a bitch, but at least she kept things interesting. That means Alexandra (Alison's model) and Danielle the Sevenhead (Robert's model) will be the ones to go. All of my favorites are still in it. I don't think I've ever seen the models I enjoy the most last this long. Amanda, being the last model chosen, comes backstage and freaks the fuck out because she's still in the running. The other models look at her blankly. Lindsay cements herself even further as one of my favorites by interviewing that while all the models want to win, "Amanda feels she 'deserves' [complete with air-quote fingers -- Limecrete] a lot of things." Lindsay is awesome. Back on the runway, Heidi tells the designers that the next challenge is to design an outfit for a hip, international jetsetter. Kayne seems to think that it's going to be Tara Reid, like anyone has the slightest bit of respect for her these days. Heidi sends them off, and adds that there are benefits to winning this challenge that won't be revealed until a later one. Nothing about immunity is mentioned.
At the workroom, Tim lets the designers in on the fact that the "hip, international jetsetter" that they will be designing for is, in fact, themselves. Well, there goes my guess about flight attendants. I take it from Angela's spaz attack that we're supposed to find this challenge shocking and/or fascinating. I frankly don't. I'm interested to see the outfits, but the challenge itself seems pretty dull. Uli is excited for this challenge, while Vincent, still looking like he's about to throw himself into the East River, interviews that he's never made menswear before. Hey, Keith "never" "made" womenswear, and he took the first challenge. Tim tells the designers that they'll be modeling their own looks, so yet another model will be eliminated for a show she didn't walk in. Sigh. The designers again only have one day to complete the outfit, and have a budget of $75. Yipes, that's not much. Tim gives them fifteen minutes to sketch.
We get a montage of interviews from the designers about what they feel a "jetsetter" is, which is boring. Vincent and Kayne make note of the fact that a jetsetter's outfit should travel well. Angela interviews that she has some trouble with the jetsetter concept, since she and her husband live on a farm. Her hair has magically recurled itself in between her two interviews. Nice job, editors. Laura wants to save time by making a simple cocktail dress. Vincent continues to fret over his lack of menswear experience. Jeffrey wants to do a rock n' roll outfit. Time runs out, and Tim leads the designers out into the rainy street to go shop for fabric. Kayne picks out a fabric best described as "gay Monarch butterfly". Jeffrey disdains the fabric (calling it very "Liberace"), because he disdains everything. Yawn. Sadly, I agree with him on this one. He buys some purple wool.
Back at the workroom, people lay out their fabrics. Uli has bought a whole bunch of wacky-ass prints. I think she's used a wacky-ass print in every single challenge in which the designers bought their own materials. She says that the party dresses she wears are something "you can wear the whole evening; even if you get vaaaysted." Hahaha. I'll bet Drunk Uli is fun. Angela continues scratching her head over the whole jetsetting outfit idea. Vincent stands around in his underwear, examining his pants on the table to try and get an idea of how to make them. He does seem admirably determined to get over this hurdle.
Hey, remember last week when Jeffrey and Angela's mom didn't get along? Remember how there was a bunch of fighting, and Jeffrey was a fuckstick about the whole thing? Remember how Jeffrey's outfit wound up sucking? No, you don't. Of course you don't! Why else would the show feel the need to rehash the whole fucking thing right now? I'll save us some time. Jeffrey and Angela have another stupid spat. The end.
Commercials. I think I'll pass on that show about annoying people helping other annoying people buy overpriced houses from yet more annoying people.
It seems to be the modus operandi to have one of the designers recap the entire challenge after the first commercial break. I'll assume you can cast your mind back ten minutes without the help. Vincent continues plugging away, and is very pleased with himself for being able to make a pair of men's pants. Even though I think Vincent should have been eliminated the very first week, that is really impressive. Tim comes in to check on everyone. He doesn't really understand Jeffrey's outfit, but leaves him to his own devices. Laura's trying to break out of her usual mold, and is feeling pretty good about her cocktail dress so far. Of course, as she explains to us, she felt good about the last one too, which the judges hated. Tim hates Kayne's idea of draping the butterfly print across the back of his shirt, saying that it looks very "Elvis". He's right. Kayne shooes him away, of course, because Tim's advice sucks. People who ignore his criticisms are always fine. Right, Raymundo? Lupe? Nick? Malan? Katie? Tim tells Michael to give more thought to the shirt he'll be wearing under the jacket he's designed. Michael seems amenable, but is worried about the time crunch. Angela's outfit is looking arty-craftsy, as she is wont to do. Tim doesn't like it, but quickly realizes that she's not going to change her design. He tells her she can stick to her guns, as long as she's willing to stand by it at the judging. After telling the designers that they can't count on any additional time in the morning, Tim takes his leave.
Two hours until the deadline. Work montage. Kayne works on Vincent's sewing machine, because God forbid anyone use their own fucking machine on this show. Angela messes something up on a machine. No news there. Jeffrey dislikes other people's outfits. Still no news. Angela has stuck those goddamned rosettes in a flower shape on each buttcheek of her pants. Wake me if these people do anything they haven't done in four other episodes. Jeffrey finishes his outfit, and of course is massively proud of himself, because he only operates on two levels: (1) Yay, me! (2) Boo, someone who's not me! After the deadline has passed, and everyone's back at the Atlas, Michael gives Kayne some modeling tips. He makes it look pretty effortless. The next morning, people wake up and look suitably horrible. Especially Angela, who wears two of the ugliest outfits ever constructed in quick succession. Still, I shouldn't complain. At least they're not bubble skirts. Laura interviews that she's not ready to be eliminated. The designers leave, and... Gaaaack! Angela's wearing a bubble skirt! Why did I have to open my fat mouth?
Workroom. Tim tells the designers they have an hour to get themselves through hair and makeup and to get dressed. A couple of tiresome scenes follow, in which Jeffrey fancies himself funny. I hiked seven miles through a forest today. I don't have the energy for Jeffrey. Angela's hair is straightened. Then it magically recurls itself again. Then it magically restraightens itself again. Who needs to design? She could make a living just doing that trick. She looks much better with straighter hair, which I've come to expect. Other people get their hair and makeup done, but Michael wisely decides that it's unnecessary for him, and uses the time to finish up his shirt. Designers disrobe to get their outfits on. I'm now more intimately acquainted with Kayne's manboobs than I ever needed to be. Laura looks... I'd better save it for the runway show. She joins the ever-growing list of people who finds Kayne's outfit tacky.
Commercials. Yeah. If the volume of a woman's eyelashes ever causes you to spill a drink, you're officially too shallow.
Runway. Heidi comes out to address the other judges, since the designers are still backstage. The guest judge this week will be Francisco Costa, creative director of Calvin Klein. Blah blah challenge recap, and we're off! First up is Vincent, who still looks morose. He also looks freaking boring. I mean, congrats on being able to make pants and all, but he's wearing a plain black sweater, plain black pants, and flip flops. Yeah, he's totally the next great American designer. We know the next silhouette is going to be Jeffrey, because he tries to strike an awesome "ROCK ON!" pose, but it lands closer to "HEIL HITLER!" The outfit itself isn't bad. Black pants and shirt, but unlike Vincent, he's provided some ornamentation. There's a silver pattern on the chest, and ugh... Studded buttons on his crotch. Anywhere know where I put my ipecac? He's also made a short blazer out of the purple wool, which looks very good. Don't think I'm not pained by admitting that he's made a cool outfit, and that he's adhered to the challenge's parameters really well. Oh, Angela. Angela, Angela, Angela. She's got a raspberry-colored peasant tank top and brown linen pants. There are some ill-advised accessories at her beltline, but the real travesty are those awful flower rosettes on her ass. Francisco is slack-jawed.
Next up is Laura. Wowsers. Laura looks fan-freaking-tastic. Her dress is a simple, sleeveless, peach-colored garment that's bunched at the waist, and has a bow in the back that trails down to the bottom of the dress. My boss said that she didn't care for the color, because it's too close to Laura's skin tone, but I think it looks great. She's helped by the fact that the stylists have made her hair look wonderful. Up next is Michael. He's made white cargo pants with hanging straps for that ghetto look he's striving for. He's followed Tim's advice and layered two white short-sleeve shirts on top. He looks fairly good, though I don't see much in the way of jetsetting except those straps. And he's also very good at the modeling itself, which is especially offset by the fact that Kayne is next. Kayne walks down the runway like he's doing a sobriety test. He's made a belt that reads "KAYNE" in rhinestones. And that butterfly print on his back? Just as tacky as Jeffrey and Tim and Laura and I thought. Finally, Uli comes out, puts her hands on her hips, and stomps down the runway like she's about to kick all of our asses. Her dress is long, and has several layers of different wacky-ass prints. It's a little Chiquita Banana girl for my tastes, but is vibrant and would certainly get her noticed at "international parties". Her silhouette does a little kick as she leaves the runway.
The designers line up on the runway, and the judges tabulate their scores. Heidi introduces the judges for the designers' benefit. Then to the questions. Uli explains that her dress is versatile, and can be worn on the beach with flip-flops, or she can put on higher shoes to go straight to a party. I can buy that. Francisco wipes his eye as he says he appreciates her design talent, but thinks it's over-the-top. Michael Kors thinks the dress is too limited in the geography of the parties where it would work. For example, it would look great in the Caribbean, but not London. The judges also warn Uli that she's becoming a bit one-note (which is exactly what they told Chloe, so shut up, judges). Angela presents her "Angela details" AKA fucking rosettes AKA those things that people have expressly told her are hideous. Kors tells her that she's chosen the worst fabric possible for her shorts, given that linen wrinkles so easily. Francisco wipes his eye again as he tells her what an impractical fabric choice she's made. Dude, it's called Visine. Look into it. Laura explains her dress. There's not much to it. Francisco questions the knot in the back and if she could sit on a plane comfortably, but Kors defends her by saying that the knot could easily be put to the front temporarily. Has Nina said a single word yet? Oh, here she goes. She says that Laura's dress will look chic and smart in pretty much every setting.
Jeffrey smarms about his outfit. Francisco thinks he looks great. Heidi thinks he stretched the budget very well, and Nina thinks his outfit is very current. Vincent stresses the comfort and wearability of his outfit. Well, there's no way he could have emphasized his design choices, given that he didn't seem to make any. Francisco thinks he looks great. Francisco is a "creative director"? And he thinks solid black on solid black, with absolutely no elaboration either in design or construction is terrific? Um, OK. No wonder he thought Uli's outfit was over-the-top. Nina and Kors are not impressed. The nerve of them expecting some DESIGN to go into a DESIGN challenge. Michael explains his outfit, and mentions that his fabric is seersucker, which was brilliant. As Kors says, seersucker travels well because it's already wrinkled, so you can't mess it up. All the judges think he looks clean and smart. I can't keep up with Kayne's jabber about his outfit. His enthusiasm does not sway the judges. Nina brings up Elvis, which is exactly what Tim warned Kayne against. Bozo. Kors admires the construction, but says that Kayne's outfit looks like a costume.
Heidi tells the designers that one of them will be the winner, and one of them will be out... But not tonight. Heidi elaborates that they want to see how the outfits travel. Laura has apparently taken up the banner from Alison, because she turns to Jeffrey with a knowing smile. She leaves the nod out, though. The designers will be sent on a trip. Horrible clown grin from Angela. Heidi tells them there are plane tickets waiting for them at the Atlas, and they have one hour to pack and get to the airport. Uh, huh. Sure, I have to show up a minimum of two hours in advance of my flight out of a Midwestern city, but I'm sure the designers can get to their apartments, pack, get to the airport, and get through security with a camera crew in tow in the most populated city in America in an hour. I guess Heidi never said the plane actually takes off in an hour, so she's probably just imposing some phoney-baloney time limit on them that makes no difference whatsoever. The designers jog off the runway.
Commercials. Ooh, a new Josh Hartnett movie! Just because every single one of his previous ones have sucked doesn't mean this one has to!
Nobody knows what's going on or where they're going or what to pack or how long they'll be gone. It's still raining as the designers walk back to the Atlas and discover that their tickets don't have a destination printed on them. You know, they're those special tickets that don't have to have all the information printed out beforehand. You can get them at any airport or travel agent. In Fantasyland. More various filler interviews about how nobody knows anything. Yawn. Once at the airport, the designers go to a kiosk, swipe their passports, and type in some sort of confirmation number. Turns out they're off to Paris. Good thing they're flying Delta, because United clearly states that they fly the friendly skies, and if they did that, they'd have to leave Jeffrey behind. All of the designers are excited to go to Paris. Kayne's eyes about bug out of his head. Laura's just happy because it sounds like their seats are in first class. Heh. They board, and the flight attendant brings them champagne and thinks to herself, "Crap. Why couldn't their jetsetting challenge be to design a new outfit for us? I look like a vampiric hooker." As the designers settle, Tim boards the plane. Everyone's happy to see him. Let's hope he won't be in charge of giving the safety lecture. Kayne will just tune him out, and then what would he do when the oxygen masks drop? Laura says that she's very comfortable in her dress, though she did move the knot to the front. Jeffrey's just looking forward to getting some sleep.
The plane takes off, and there's unfortunately not a cartoon of the designers' heads bobbling in the window as a cartoon plane flies across a cartoon map. Accordion music brings us to Paris. It's very beautiful, but after a few years of watching America's Next Top Model and The Amazing Race, watching other people's wonder and delight at discovering Paris has worn really thin. Get back to me when you can fly me to Paris, show. Vincent interviews that his outfit didn't wrinkle at all on the trip. The designers pull up to Parsons' Paris location. They stream into Le Chambre de Travailler. That's the workroom. Maybe. Sorry, I minored in Spanish. Angela loves her new surroundings. Not to give away the ending, but oof. Uli wonders why there are only six workstations, and is reminded that someone's still got to be eliminated. That kills everyone's joy. Michael steels himself for the elimination, though he's got to know that he's safe this week. Kayne interviews that he wants to make the final three. I don't see it happening, frankly. The music wants us to think that one of these people is about to get stabbed in the shower. It changes to a peppier beat when Tim brings in Catherine Malandrino, a fashion designer who's acting as a guest judge. He also informs the designers that someone's getting eliminated pretty much right now. Dun dun duuuuuuun!
Commercials. Look, I like a lot of people on Project Runway. On the show. I really don't care how they spend their free time.
Laura interviews that it's pretty cruel to fly someone to Paris, eliminate them moments later, then send them back home. Yep. Tim explains that Catherine's score plus the original judging scores will determine the winner and loser. Catherine has a heavy accent, but manages to tell the designers that she's there to judge how well the outfit traveled. The camera pans the designers, and of course as it passes Angela, she gives another of her patented huge, fake grins. God, I hate those. The designers will walk from the back table to the front table and back again. Angela's linen wrinkled horribly. She claims she likes it better that way. Kayne's is fine. Vincent's is fine. Jeffrey's is fine. Laura's is fine. Michael's is fine. Uli's is fine. Wasn't that riveting? Tim collects the scorecards. Laura is in. Vincent is in. And now the winner, which Catherine will announce. She says it was a close race between Michael and Jeffrey. Ultimately, Jeffrey wins. I can't say he doesn't deserve it, but I'm not going to pretend to be happy that the little worm just scrounged up some validation for his shitty attitude. He is, of course, completely graceless about it in his interview. So Michael is naturally in. Uli is in. That leaves Kayne and Angela. For some reason, the bottom two admonitions fall to Catherine, who can barely pronounce the designers' names. She tells Kayne that he looks ridiculous, as if he were a fake pop star. Angela is coming from another world (boy, I'll say so), and doesn't represent a jetsetter. Angela. Is. Out.
Of course, with every other elimination so far on this show (except for Keith), Tim tells the person that he's sorry, that everyone will miss him/her, or that someone had to go. In this case, he just bluntly tells Angela to clean up her workspace and go. And with every other elimination so far on this show (including Keith), the eliminated designer got to have first crack at some closing comments. In this case, we immediately cut to fucking Jeffrey who fucking tells us how fucking happy he is that Angela just got flown halfway across the world and cut in five minutes. Listen, I'm not sorry that Angela is eliminated. She has arguably the worst taste of anyone in the history of this show (possibly excepting Lupe), pathetically hogged every iota of attention that she could, and rode people's coattails through multiple challenges. That said? Fucking grant the woman some decency and respect. I actively felt really sorry for her here, and when you make me want to stick up for someone who sewed granny-circle flowers on her ass, something's not right. In her final interview (Oh, she gets one? We don't just have to listen to other people slag her?), she says that she's really learned a lot, and that you can't let other people's opinion of you rattle you. Well, maybe you ought to take their criticisms of your rosettes to heart, sweetie.
Next week on Project Runway: A difficult challenge. Perhaps a party of some kind? I don't know; they really ought to give Catherine subtitles. Laura is beginning to look really pregnant. Kayne is beginning to look really eliminated. Jeffrey's a dick some more. I know. I'm just as tired of typing it as you are of reading it.
Overall Grade: C-
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