Fit For A Queen

Project Runway - Season 3, Episode 2

Previously on Project Runway: The designers' traditional first challenge of "innovation" took the form of ripping their living quarters to shreds. Keith had never made a dress in his life. Jeffrey thought everyone else was doing "remedial" work. Vincent threw a bunch of tacky shit together and thought it was artsy. The judges loved Keith's simple, elegant dress, granting him immunity in the next challenge. Despite Jeffrey's bluster, his craptacular outfit landed him in the bottom two. And Stacey, though a perfectly nice woman, was a bit out of her depth in the design department and was the first little Indian to get the axe. Fourteen designers remain. Who will be out tonight?

Opening credits. Alison drones "I'M. GOING. TO. WIN." KatieBot would be proud.

Morning. Angela feels bad about Stacey's elimination, but basically shrugs it off. Keith is shaving (with an old-fashioned shaving brush - get some Edge, Jasper) while voicing-over that he doesn't really care about immunity, because he knows he's going to create something beautiful. Malan says that he's feeling good and confident today, and that he really likes the other designers. Malan may as well have painted a bullseye on his forehead. And hey, everyone's room is magically put back together again after last week's destruction! Thanks, Mary Poppins!

Runway. Heidi comes out looking less attractive than usual. Gnat points out that it's probably because her hair is pulled back tightly behind her head, which makes her ears stick out. Anyway, it's time for the model selection. As with last season, the model paired with the winner of the season gets a spread in Elle. Keith gets to go first, and he snags Nazri without hesitation. Good idea. She's gorgeous. The rest of the designers will go in a random order. Vincent - Jia. Lindsay must be sighing with relief right now after the hell he put her through last week. Katie - Amanda. She's a cute redhead. Bradley jumps from Camilla to Clarissa. Neither model looks thrilled. Malan sticks with Moon. She's very pretty. Laura chooses Katie. Bonnie, wearing a stupid tan newsboy cap, jumps from Toni to Marilinda, saving Stacey's model from elimination. Kayne chooses Katia. Angela takes Camilla. Camilla looks relieved to be spared elimination, but you can tell she's not wild about being stuck with Angela. Uli takes Lindsay. Lindsay's gone up in the world. Although anyone would be "up" from Vincent. Jeffrey takes Javi. She's wearing her hair in the most unflattering style ever. We never get to see Michael or Robert choose their model, because how could that be important to the show? Feh. They probably stuck with their original models (Alexandra and Danielle the Sevenhead, respectively), so Alison gets to choose between Candace and Toni. She doesn't even pause before taking Toni. Burn! See ya, Candace! Model group hug backstage.

Back out on the runway, it's time to introduce the next challenge. The designers will be working for an "icon of American beauty". George Clooney? Oh. No, it's Tara Conner, the reigning Miss USA. I originally heard her name as Sarah Conner, which made me giggle endlessly. Who wouldn't love to see Miss USA toting two semi-automatics? The designers freak out, especially Kayne. I'd freak out too if I were in the same room with those eyebrows. Those things have been plucked to... Normally, I'd say "within an inch of their lives", but we're way beyond that. More to within an angstrom of their lives. Besides that, she's pretty. The designers will be creating evening gowns for her to judge. As you may or may not know, the evening gown competition of the Miss Universe pageant counts for 1/3 of the final score, and Tara will wear the winning design in the upcoming pageant. Everyone's excited. Of course, nobody knew at this point that Santino would be one of the judges at Miss Universe, so it probably didn't matter how tasteful these gowns turned out, as long as they have lots of shit hanging off of them. Heidi sends the designers to the workroom, and graciously allows Tara to change out of her poofy dress and tiara before meeting them there.

Workroom. Tim reiterates to the designers how important the gown is to the competition, so this is an important challenge. He asks Tara to describe what she's looking for. She says she's the second-shortest girl in the pageant, so she wants something elongating. Earth tones and monochromatic tones (besides white) are also a plus. Nobody who likes earth tones can be all bad. Finally, the dress shouldn't be too revealing. Tim adds that there is just one more thing. Uh, oh. We all know what that means, Columbo. He tells them that they'll be working in teams of two. Thud of Doom. Angela looks around. She interviews that she's never made a gown proper before, so she's hoping to get paired with someone who's got excellent construction skills. Shot of Kayne. All fourteen designers have half an hour to sketch ideas for Tara that they will then pitch to her. Tara will pick seven to be made.

The countdown starts, and people get to sketching. Jeffrey is nervous that this is going to be a "pageant" dress, because he doesn't have experience in that area. Those are his quotes, not mine. Um, it's an actual pageant dress. Does he think the gowns are going to be used as ironing board covers at the last minute? Learn grammar before you play with it, Junior. Malan is working on something that will give Tara a long, hourglass figure. Angela is drawing.... Well, nothing. She's pestering Kayne, trying to cajole him into having her on his team. Is she coasting? In the second episode? She's not even trying to come up with her own ideas! Not really sure you can ride other people's coattails to the end of the season, twit. Kayne sees right through her. Jeffrey interviews that she was "sussing people out" and "looking for a free ride". Hey, for once I agree with him, except the only "people" she was sussing was Kayne. Sorry if I shattered anyone's illusion of her clinging to Jeffrey's leg, begging to be on his team because his feather explosion dress last week was so wonderful. Tim enters to tell them that time is up. Angela takes her talons out of Kayne and wanders off. He looks up at the camera and whispers "She's getting on my nerves." Hehehehe.

Cute Bradley's up first. He's got the earth tones down. He also talks about fullness and ruffles. Laura tells Tara about her architectural background. Her drawing is very precise, and the gown looks simple and pretty, with sparkles drawn in. Heh. Michael's sketches have a Grecian goddess thing going on. Bonnie's asymmetrical sketch is actually very cute, but I can't tear myself away from her ugly hat on top of her ugly hair. I don't trust designers that can't make themselves look good. Jeffrey says something about a "strong warrior structure". Your guess is as good as mine. The porn jazz background music starts up as Keith fondles Tara's boobs and tells her she has gorgeous legs. No, really. It's like an Afterschool Special all of a sudden. Katie has a vague, green sketch of a dress that she says will make Tara lean and long. Vincent's dress is even more vague and he babbles crazily. Tara nods a lot, longing to be out of this conversation. Kayne. "I'mgoingtotalkamillionmilesaminute,becauseIhavesomuchtosaytoyou. IloveyouIwatchthepageantI'mwayintopageantsblahblahblah. TwoofmysistersdidpageantssoIknowalotaboutthemanyway..." Hehehe. Tara grins as he outlines his dress, because it's so obvious how into this challenge he is. Robert tells Tara to think JLo (or however it's spelled) at the Oscars. Yes, she certainly never wears anything revealing. Malan says that the silhouette is very important to him. Alison's sketch looks like a straitjacket. Uli talks about layers or panels. It went by fast, and she has a strong accent. Angela enters with a blank pad of paper. Sigh. She says she doesn't sketch, and asks Tara questions like how she feels about "umpire" waists. Is there such a thing, or is she just mispronouncing "empire"? She also asks how Tara feels about gloves. Tara gives a thumbs down on that. She even rolls her eyes a little bit. I like snarky beauty queens! Wait, is Angela asking Tara to give her ideas? After spending her sketching time begging Kayne to put her on his team? Man, is she dead weight.

Tim gathers everyone so that Tara can announce the seven team leaders. Keith. I guess she liked getting felt up. Uli. Vincent. Maybe he threatened to eat her lungs. Laura. Malan. Jeffrey. And of course, Kayne. Tara leaves and Tim lines up the designers to get picked. Being picked one by one like this is heartwrenching, isn't it? Tim will draw names randomly, and reminds the team leaders that teamwork will be considered in the judging. Uli interviews that she's nervous, because she's used to doing things alone. Vincent interviews that people really need to make sure that they team up with the right person. They don't show everyone desperately avoiding eye contact with him, but you know it's got to be happening.

Commercials. Hey, look at these neat color-changing sunglasses! Except that they don't really do that! But... Um... Buy them anyway!

Tim draws names. Laura chooses Michael. Kayne chooses Robert. He interviews that he probably would have chosen Angela, had she not pestered him during the sketching time. Sweet karma, how I love thee. Jeffrey chooses Alison. No doubt it's because she's such a fabulous designer and not because she's stacked. Malan takes Katie. Uli takes Bonnie. Keith takes Bradley. And who does that leave on the playground, all by herself? Poor, lazy Angela. Ha! Keith interviews that Bradley's aesthetic is wildly different from his own, but faced with a choice between him and Angela, it was easy. That leaves Vincent stuck with Angela. I'm trying to figure out whom I feel sorrier for, and failing. He tries to soften the blow by announcing that he'd be "happy to work with Alison." "Angela," she corrects. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Moby-ish music plays as Tim tells the teams that they have two days and a $300 budget. Everyone heads to Mood, the fabric store.

Hot! Fabric! Choosing! Action! Malan side-talks that the challenge is a good one for him, and selects some warm, brown fabric. The brown is warm, that is. Not the fabric. Although that may be warm, too. I think hunger is messing with my brain. OK, I've downed two bowls of oatmeal. That ought to help. Kayne selects an iridescent purple fabric, which he admits isn't the earth tone that Tara suggested. Actually, the undertones look sort of brown when the fabric shimmers. Besides, it's really pretty regardless. Jeffrey is completely disdainful of Kayne's fabric choice, wondering how he'll "explain it away". Vincent and Angela's meltdown begins almost immediately as she needles him about how much time they've got left and he needles her back about how she's making him nervous with the constant nagging. She explains in an interview that she's not inspired by Vincent's designs at all, and I have to say I feel her on that one. Imagine you were trapped into assisting the guy who sent that basket hat down the runway last week. Time runs out.

Workroom. Nine hours left. People unpack and start draping the mannequins. Robert interviews that he and Kayne keep cracking each other up, so it looks like they're both happy with the team. Laura interviews that she chose Michael because she thought he'd question what she normally does, presumably to keep her from becoming one-note. She's a bright one. Bonnie interviews that everyone's wondering if it's going to be a one-person or two-person elimination, hoping for the former. In the workroom, she tells Uli that she wants to see people start fighting. She's about to get her wish. Angela asks Vincent if he wants help draping the skirt, and he tells her to "hang", which he is too old to say. She has absolutely nothing to do, despite offering multiple times to help. Finally, she wanders away into the break room. Vincent calls for her soon after, but she's gone. I don't want to seem unsympathetic to Angela. I mean, she's stuck in the worst team, and she's got to be thinking that Vincent is an anchor who's dragging her to elimination. I'd probably be cantankerous in that situation, too. But she's already admitted to knowing nothing about gown construction. She can't do work if she's not in the workroom, and it's not as if she didn't put herself into this position by not doing a lick of work in the design part of this challenge. So I guess I am unsympathetic to Angela. Suck it up, princess.

Three hours left. Keith assumes that Bradley's worried about the team because Keith has immunity, and would slack off. He smarms that he's a great designer, so Bradley doesn't have anything to worry about, because he's going to turn out a good product. Glad you can make assumptions about Bradley's thoughts, then dismiss them, then act like an arrogant prick. Your parents must be so proud. Katie's glad that Malan has picked her, because she can learn a lot about gown construction from him. Malan interviews that he's self-taught as far as fashion goes. Soulful music starts up as he tells us that when he was a teenager, he took a stack of sketches to his mother, who threw them on the floor and told him that they'd never amount to anything. Well, that sucks. I have to say that my parents have been very supportive of everything I've ever wanted to try, and judging from the personalities of the people with mommy issues on TV, I'm very grateful for that. Malan hopes that appearing on Project Runway will prove his worthiness to his mother. This whole scene is very awkward. Plus, it's kind of weird that they're asking us to like Malan now, when he's been edited as a huge douchebag for the past two weeks.

Anyway, everyone goes into overdrive work mode. Bradley affects a mildly racist Asian accent. Bonnie makes a marking. Bradley spills water messily into his mouth. With ten minutes left, Angela brings up her concerns with Vincent's design, saying she made one like it in college. I thought she said she had never made gowns. She offers some advice, and Vincent ignores her, interviewing that he's the team leader, so it's his call. The notion that maybe she was trying to help because Vincent's got awful taste doesn't occur to him. He just interprets it as her trying to usurp power. She continues being bitchy and he continues being crazy. They deserve each other. Midnight hits. Uli's excited about going to bed. Hehe.

Commercials. Take this mood-enhancing drug so that you can enjoy making a salad with your loved ones.

Day Two. Tim enters the workroom and greets everyone. Uli shows him the layers she's sewing into the dress. Tim likes the concept, but tells her and Bonnie that it's going to need perfect finishing if they want to bring it off. Uli's satisfied with their progress so far. Tim advises Kayne to fold down the ruffles a bit. Worrysome "This Designer Is In Trouble" Music. It's hard to describe, but I've been hearing it since the beginning of last season, and when it plays, someone's getting a smackdown. Tim tells Vincent that he's disappointed in his dress. Vincent tries to play it off. Angela smiles smugly. OK, I hate her. Tim asks her how she feels, and she says that as a designer, she wouldn't want her name attached to this dress. Vincent pretends to not be upset in an interview, saying that "that's the type of person she is". The type to call out your shitty dress? Hey, Vincent. Remember when you gleefully told us that you get to make all the design decisions, because you're the team leader? Now you get to accept responsibility for those decisions. Man, this team is exhausting, because I can't stay on either side for long. They both suck.

Tim tells Malan that his dress looks heavy, and that it appears to have been carved out of a big log. He's pretty much right. The top is very ruffly and unflattering. Tim tells him and Katie to work hard. I fear that the WE LOVE TIM!!!! orgasm coming from every media outlet has hurt this show, because "work hard" and "I'm disappointed" and "be objective" aren't very helpful. I'm scared they're going to make him into a catchphrase machine, and I don't want to lose the wonderfully firm, yet respectful Tim Gunn, who gives the designers useable advice. Tim leaves. That's all the conferences we see. I sure do wonder who will be in the top and bottom! We've heard nary a peep from Michael and Laura (boo!) nor from Jeffrey and Alison (yay!). BRAVO just released this big statement scolding some newspaper for providing a spoiler for the first episode. Pretty disingenuous, when they make it impossible to not know who's going to tank. Plus there was that "Who do you think should be eliminated?" poll in a commercial during the first episode, which listed the people who wound up in the bottom three that week. Let's step up the editing, please. You're nominated for an Emmy now. Act like it.

Break room. Keith asks Angela if she and Vincent aren't getting along. She lies that they are. He calls her on it, clearly trying to sow discord. She gets her one good line in of the episode as she responds "Well, I don't value your opinion in this situation, so..." Hahaha! Suck it, Count Smarmula. Angela goes on to say that Vincent's made it clear that he's in charge of the dress, implying that he'll be the one to sink or swim on it. Katie's trying to take Tim's "heavy" admonition to heart, telling Malan that it looks like they've got too much fabric. She suggests losing some around the middle, but Malan says that he wants to keep it. Katie interviews that no woman is going to want to wear something like that on the runway, then bluntly tells Malan that if this dress gets called out during judging, he gets to defend it. She doesn't say it meanly; she just makes it clear that she's not going to take heat for ideas that weren't her own. Fair enough. It's his design, and he's resisting any change to it. Plus, she didn't get all passive-aggressive like Angela's being.

Work montage. Laura takes something off the bottom of her dress, saying it'll make the model look like she's pooping. Hehe. It's a crime that we haven't focused on her more tonight. Kayne tells Robert that they're going to sew rhinestones until their fingernails bleed. "She's a beauty queen, not a disco ball," Robert tosses back. Heh. I may come around on Robert. Forty-five minutes left. Angela and Vincent have the same fight about the dress that they've been having all episode. He smacks her down again as "team leader" and tells her she doesn't get to claim any credit if this dress wins. He's apparently hoping the runway show will be held in a parallel dimension. Time runs out.

Back at the Atlas, Angela incredulously tells her roommates that Vincent really supports the dress. Laura warns her that Vincent's successfully defended crap on the runway before. Angela vows to speak up for herself should it come to that on the runway. The men are discussing Angela as well. Keith thinks she's transparent. Score one for him. Vincent opines that she'll knife him in the back. Where have you been, Vincent? She'll knife you in the front with a big, wide grin as she does it. Jeffrey, sensing that he's gotten no attention this episode, leans out of the bathroom, and sums Angela up as a "Feminazi". Um, that really has nothing to do with why Angela's annoying at all. AT ALL. Shut up, ass. And put some clothes on.

Morning. Tim tells the designers they have two hours to get the models ready to go. The models come in. Dressing montage. Kayne is happy to discover that the dress fits his model well. Katie describes her team's fitting as nervewracking, because the gown turned out to be half a foot too short. Yeeks. She's worried about a double elimination for a design that's not hers. Vincent asks Angela how much time they've got. You know, the very thing he asked her to stop telling him in the fabric shop. After asking her to find out for sure, she insists that they have to be ready at 12:15. It's actually 12:30, so you can see how much she cares. He yells at her. At this point, I hope it is a double elimination. Freaks. Boring hair and makeup montage. Tim gathers everyone for the show. Malan is concerned about the length of the skirt, saying that there wasn't enough time to fix it.

Commercials. Why are there ambulance chaser commercials on this late at night?

Runway. Heidi enters with her hair pulled back again, so yuck. She recaps the challenge, then introduces the judges. Vera Wang is filling in for Michael Kors tonight. Cool! Nina is here, as is Tara Conner, of course. Tara gets to pick the winner, but all the judges get to collaborate on the loser. Let's start the show! First up is the Jeffrey/Alison dress, modeled by Toni. It's ugly. I'm sorry, it's "deconstructed". The bottom is flowing, brown fabric with vertical seams that make it look wrinkly. The waist is asymmetrical, which makes it look like it doesn't fit. The bodice is shiny gold fabric (no, really) at the waist and coming up over one boob, while the other is covered by darker gold fabric. Yuck.

Keith/Bradley dress, modeled by Nazri. It's a very flowing material in dark pink. There's a lot of quick cuts to designers and judges, so I can't really see specifics. Since we saw all of three minutes of this team this week, does it really matter? Vincent/Angela dress, modeled by Jia. This is the result of all that fighting? It's so...bland. It's a cleavage-baring, acid green dress that doesn't fit in the boobs at all. The shoulders have ill-advised extra fabric so that Jia looks much broader than she really is. The bottom is pretty, if unremarkable. Kayne/Robert dress, modeled by Katia. It's purty. The iridescent purple does seem to throw off earth tones as Katia walks. There are rhinestones around the neck and back which come down to meet the dress and continue on to the bellybutton. There are ruffles from the thigh down, and the whole effect is exactly what Tara asked for.

Malan/Katie dress, modeled by Amanda. It's unflattering. The copper color in the bottom is really nice, as is the downward angle of the waist where it meets the other fabric. But that other fabric. It's bunched and ruffled, and Tim was right that it makes her look heavy. Also, someone's chosen to give Amanda an unattractive slicked-back hairstyle for this show, which doesn't suit her or the dress at all. It's practically a femullet. Uli/Bonnie dress, modeled by Lindsay. The top is a mauve fabric, which opens at the waist to reveal a layer of brown fabric beneath. It's neat. It appears to be more revealing than Tara asked for, but the design is great overall. Laura/Michael dress, modeled by Katie. It's simple, but pretty. It's white, or off-white and is more fitted than flowing. There are sparkles in a cluster. As a dress, I think it's lovely, but it doesn't seem that suitable for a pageant. The designers step onto the runway. Good God, what is Angela wearing?

Gnat: "Good God, what is Angela wearing?"

Hot pink ruffled skirt, almost to the point of being a tutu. Nuff said. Will the following teams please step forward? Kayne/Robert. Malan/Katie. Uli/Bonnie. Vincent/Angela. If Heidi has not called your name, you're safe until the next challenge. Bye, people we scarcely saw this week! The remaining designers have the highest and lowest scores. Hmm, which could be which? There will be one winner and one elimination. Damn. The models come out. Tara loves Uli and Bonnie's gown. They particularly like the low back with the braiding of the two fabrics. Bonnie says she loved the design and got along well with Uli. Vera likes the modernity of the garment. Tara also really likes Kayne's design. She says that the more she looked at the color, the more she liked it. So just to recap real quick. In the first episode, Jeffrey snidely remarked on everyone's crappy designs, and wound up in the bottom two. This week, he snidely remarked on Kayne's fabric choice, which wound up being in the top two. He doesn't know how to use quotes or the word "Feminazi". Does he ever get tired of being a complete idiot, I wonder? I suspect not. People pity or are offended by idiots, and pity and offense are forms of attention, so I'm sure he's fine with it. Robert very kindly says that he questioned the fabric choice at first, but Kayne convinced him otherwise. I'd value Robert's opinion more if he weren't wearing sunglasses inside. What is with people doing that on television these days? They're SUNglasses.

Malan and Katie. Vera points out the over-detail of the ruffled top. Heidi agrees that there's too much going on in the top, and points out that one of Amanda's boobs looks bigger than the other. I didn't notice that before, but she's right. Malan says that if he were constructing this dress for Tara, it would be flatter, but something about Amanda's proportions throws it off. There's also a shot of the hemline, which is a mess. There isn't enough fabric in the bottom, which Malan says is because Amanda has such a long torso. Poor Amanda, having to stand there and take this. The judges ask Katie what she thinks of the dress, and she says she just went along with Malan's design, which deftly avoids answering the actual question. Well played, grasshopper. Heidi asks her who should be eliminated on her team if it came to that. She duhs that it would be Malan, since it's his design. Malan agrees, because there's really no blame that can be laid on Katie unless she messed up the construction, which doesn't appear to have happened.

Nina asks Vincent and Angela if they worked well together. Vincent takes about thirty words to say "no". Heidi asks Angela what she thinks of the dress. She says she thought it was too simple. Nina likes the back of the gown. Vincent takes the compliment happily, but doesn't seem as thrilled when Vera and Tara criticize the weird-looking shoulders. Angela says that it wouldn't stand out on the pageant runway, and Tara disagrees. Ouch. Tara goes on to say that it seems like Angela was trying to lead Vincent, which she'd have no way of knowing. She was fed that line. Tacky. Asked who should be eliminated, Vincent chooses Angela. You know, except embellish his response to ridiculous proportions. She says she's shocked, which...huh? The designers are dismissed. Deliberations. Vincent's gown is simple, but would be attractive if they fixed the shoulders. Angela showed no ability to work with Vincent. Vera plainly hates her, which is awesome. Uli's dress is a hit. Kayne's was elegant. Malan's dress was too distracting and the bottom was unfinished. They reach a decision, and the designers are brought back out.

This week's nice thing about someone I don't like: If there's one thing Claire Danes knows how to do convincingly, it's act like she's about to cry. She's nailed the watery eyes, the trembling chin, etc. If you ever need to pay someone to act like they're about to burst into sobs, she's your girl.

Robert is in. Bonnie is in. And now for the winner of this challenge, which Tara will announce. It's Kayne. He's ecstatic. Heidi tells him he's got immunity in the next challenge. Tara followed through on her promise to wear the gown, and she looked lovely in the spruced-up version they made for her. Too bad she didn't win. That honor went to Miss Puerto Rico, who promptly passed out backstage. Uli is in. Katie is in. She hugs Malan. Aw. Vincent is in. Whaaaa? I guess it's not that bad, in that I'm sure we'll have plenty of fodder for whatever crappy wad of fug he sends down the runway next. That leaves Malan and Angela. Malan's color choice and execution were poor. Angela's attitude sucked. Angela is... In. Really? Wow. That means Malan is out, and I actually feel a pang of sadness. A small one, but it's there. He cries and says that he's ashamed to be eliminated. He says that he's never had many friends, and that he hates to say goodbye to his fellow designers. He's upset, but still believes that he's capable of creating fashion. I certainly can't pretend to be Malan's greatest fan, but that was a rough elimination.

Next week on Project Runway: The design inspiration is one of "fashion's hottest accessories". Cocaine? Laura and Keith throw down. Kick his ass, Laura! Tim is unimpressed by Bradley's design. Bradley doesn't want to show something embarrassing at the runway show, which will be on his birthday. Eek. Jeffrey "kids" about wanting to see Bradley get eliminated on his birthday, but you know he's totally serious, and I just want to jam a squirrel up his rectum.

Overall Grade: C-