The Girl With The Twisted Catch Phrase, Part I

America's Next Top Model - Season 5, Episode 1

Previously on America's Next Top Model: Naima kicked all dem bitches' asses, yo! Limecrete took a stroll back in time to Cycle 1 to watch Adrianne jumpstart her career as a professional reality show famewhore.

Kick off the season with some horrifically awful audition tapes? Oh, let's do! Various girls beg to be on the show. Oh, cripes. One of the girls actually sent in an honest-to-goodness video of herself jumping on a trampoline. More like tramp-oline. I only wish that was the most degrading thing we'll see in this episode. And look, Tyra's being "funny" by doing a horrifically awful audition tape of her own! Yeah. Let's just move on from that, shall we?

36 semi-finalists arrive in Los Angeles, and the crazy jumps out at us from the get-go. Cassandra has her own "communications expert" that tells her how to act. Bre is from Harlem, but looks like she was dressed by a blind, retarded rodeo clown. Other freakshows follow. The semi-finalists meet and greet at the Beverly Hills Hilton. Ebony interviews that she's sizing up her competition and that these other girls are "gor-jus". Hilariously, we hear this over a shot of Sarah, which...well, we'll get to her later. The hideous Orange Jay arrives. Spew. I'll just save some time and call him OJ from now on. It still makes you think of oranges, plus it's associated with another psychopath! Perfect. The girls give their first of many, many, many "Woooooo!" shrieks upon meeting him. I'd shriek too, but for another reason. OJ welcomes them. Kyle interviews that she's so excited she almost peed herself. Normally, I'm against giving girls men's names in order to make them sound cute, but it works for her.

The next morning, the girls tromp outside for their first mini-challenge: basic posing. And the guest judge will be? Miss Jay! Yay! Posing, posing, posing. And then, wonder of wonders, Tyra comes out! To meet the girls! What do you mean, why am I using exclamation points!?! It's exciting! You can tell because the girls scream like they're meeting the freaking Beatles. I mean, you knew she was going to pop up sooner or later. Dial it back a bit. Nicole gushes that she's never even met a small celebrity, and here she is meeting the biggest star of all time: Tyra Banks! Nicole, I know you're from North Dakota, but I assume you can still get Entertainment Weekly delivered there. Work on your celebrity hierarchy trivia. Ebony runs out and hugs Tyra, then brags about it in an interview. I don't know why, but I like Ebony.

Later, it's time for the panel evaluations: basic runway walk, some questions, and showing off your body in a swimsuit. Bre is first, and as bad as she looked at the airport...that's how good she looks here. She's gorgeous. Miss J smells her armpits. Don't ask me. Kyle's up next, and describes working at the Dairy Queen in Michigan. If this little scene doesn't remind you of Parker Posey in Waiting For Guffman, get thee to a video store, now. She's pretty, too. Kim comes out with her butch haircut and her deep voice and interviews that she's a lesbian. No way! I never would have guessed! Probably because my gaydar exploded the second she walked out. Wow, she's pretty too. Good casting this season. Jayla is a Jehovah's Witness, but has strayed. She has sex, she doesn't go to church, blah blah blah. Oh, and she's a smoker, which she didn't really have to say, because girlfriend's teeth? I can't believe it's not butter. Other than that, she's cute. Next up is Nicole, whom I didn't really register when she was talking about how Tyra is a huge celebrity, but who now I instantly hate. She doesn't get along with her mom. Fascinating. She actually gets on her knees and begs to be in the competition. Wow, does she have a birthday coming up? I'd love to get her some dignity. Tyra and the Jays are not impressed. Nicole says that if she gets in, she won't complain about anything. I totally believe her. Don't you? That evening the girls buy a bunch of stuff at the grocery store, and they get into a ridiculous fight about chapstick. No, really. Nicole is fucking freaking out because she thinks the others will leave without getting the chapstick, and she's looking for it in, like, the motor oil aisle. Nice to see that vow to not complain lasted about three hours. Bre politely talks her down, but interviews that she's about ready to stuff her in a closet. Bre rocks.

Commercials. Crest Whitestrips. Paying attention, Jayla?

The next morning, the girls are...doing the Electric Slide in their hotel room. Um, what? Did someone slip me some hallucinogenic mushrooms? Time for some more panel interviews. Nik comes out looking not so great, with her hair pulled into a faux-mohawk and some glasses that don't really suit her. Then they cut to her in an interview, and she's beautiful. Her bathing suit rides up her butt. I don't quite know what to make of her. Next is Diane, who whips off her sunglasses in an aren't-I-cool gesture. I hated that, but then she kind of makes fun of herself for her broad Puerto Rican accent, so I don't completely hate her. She's not as stunning as some of the other girls, but has potential. She calls herself "Big D", though. Ew. Next! Oh, Susanna. Don't you cry for me. She cries for herself, because she's a breast cancer survivor. At age nineteen! All respect due to her for that, of course, but that still doesn't mean she's got what it takes to be a model, and she? Doesn't. I hate to be mean to someone who's been through that hell, but she is not in the least bit pretty. Various other girls we know have no chance do their generic model walks.

The next girl with some screen time is Cassandra, a Texas beauty queen. Oh, dear. We know how Tyra feels about pageant girls. She breezily answers some questions about current pageant winners, then Tyra asks her to name three Cover Girls. Ah, our old friend the cricket chirp is back. Missed you, editors! We never see her in a bathing suit, for some reason. Ashley's up, and she almost ties with Nicole in going from zero to hate in .4 seconds. She does know her fashion designers, though. Back in the hotel room, a fugly girl named Lisa fake interviews Cassandra as though she were in a pageant. Diane cracks up at her own lame "joke" about George Bush being dumb. Kim thinks Cassandra's obnoxious, but is pretty impressed that she embraces her annoying-beauty-queen demeanor so thoroughly. I like Kim. She reminds me of Elyse a little bit.

April is from Las Vegas and ugly. She loves her eyes. Who can tell with all that raccoon makeup and false lashes? Tyra and the Jays make her wash it all off and come back out. It's not an improvement. Tyra pretends to think differently, calling her a model in the making. Oh, then I'm sure she'll make the cut. She will, right? Spoiler: no. Ah, here's the aforementioned Fugly Lisa. She has a dumb haircut and bug eyes. She hates her mom, too. Tyra seems to love Lisa. Sigh. That evening the girls have sandwiches for dinner, and Nicole somehow cannot manage to make a cup of ramen noodles. How do you mess up ramen noodles? Everyone else hates her, and they get into another pointless fight, this one about who complains about what. This is almost as riveting as that chapstick blowout. And hey, Nicole was at the center of that one, too. Girls named Jessica and Adriana complain about the bitchiness of the other girls. On a reality show with models? Get out! Being well-adjusted gets you nowhere in this show, which is pretty much proven by the fact that we never see Jessica or Adriana again.

Commercials. Ooh, a movie about going to church! I am so there!

We're back. Next up is Sarah, and eek. I promised earlier we'd get to Sarah, didn't I? Shit. I want to support her, being a local girl and all (she's from Boonville, which I pass through on my way to and from Kansas City). But wow. Sarah's got lips. No, Sarah's got Lips. It looks like Sarah's lips ate Angelina Jolie's lips. Each one is about the size of a bratwurst. Bleh. Whitney's greatest asset is that she can sell pigs. No, really. Let's forget she even exists. Latricia has a voice like an air raid siren. And now for the most awesome part of the semi-finalist interviews. Krystle (one of the participants of the Complaining About Complainers fight) wants to take any money she gets and "put it toward the UN or helping out third-world countries". She's tired of people not helping the poor, y'all! Tyra asks her what community service she's done. Dead silence. Then more crickets. Hahahahaha!!! See ya, Krystle. Some boring chick named Melissa gets one line in, then disappears forever.

Now, Coryn. She seems nice and is fairly pretty but has serious eyebrow issues. She's like a not-as-cute Hera. She tells us her mom was on drugs. Was it Rogaine, by any chance? Regina is a natural redhead and has kind of a gravelly voice, so she gets two points from me right off the bat. She talks about how she wants to dye her hair blond and how she thinks she's fat (and she's not), so she loses those two points just as quickly as she got them. Ebony! She's got kind of a phony enthusiasm going and a doofy flower in her hair, but I still inexplicably like her. She's also the one with the titular catch phrase, "don't get it twisted". She never explains quite what that means, but it seems to signify something like "don't misunderstand me" or "I'm just keepin' it real". She knows pretty much all the other semi-finalists' names. Impressive. Too bad none of them like her. The girls amass and are told that they're going to take part in a "huge" fashion show, but that there's only room for 20 of them. Finally! Let's weed some of these bitches out! The 16 who don't make the cut have to sit in the audience and clap for the ones who do. Awesome. They stampede to the dressing room to find out who it's gonna be.

Commercials. Why does Eric Balfour keep getting work? He's untalented. He's ugly. He's like the male Claire Danes.

When we return, they replay the stampede to make sure that we get that they're excited. The ones who find their photos are the finalists. We see some of the lucky 20 find their pictures. Kyle's in. Coryn. Regina. April. Kim. Jayla. Bre (who's so very excited...she feels like she's "touching [her] star". Snerk.) Nicole. Ebony. Sarah. Fugly Lisa. Diane. We also get to talk to some of the losers. Bye, Susanna! See ya, Latricia! Mass chaos ensues backstage as the finalists get ready for the fashion show. One of the girls is Stacie, who we've never seen before, and will never see again. Um...congratulations? Ashley brags about how she's going to get the contract. I'm certainly close to putting a contract out on her, so she's not entirely wrong. Sarah worries about tripping, saying that heels are not exactly her forte. Sarah majored in understatement.

Let the "huge" fashion show begin! It is so huge, that the audience consists of the two Jays and the 16 loser girls! Huge! The show is pretty unremarkable. The only things of note are that Sarah does indeed stumble, Kim has a terrible runway walk, and Regina has more of a belly than I originally thought. Sorry for doubting you before, Regina.

OK, we need to get rid of more of these people. We'll take 20 down to 13 through the ancient art of the one-on-one interview. Man, are they boring. Although it is really funny when Fugly Lisa uses her one question to ask Tyra what it was like to work with Will Smith, and the editors insert the Scratching Record of Oh, No You Di'int Just Say That. Ooh, and when April talks about how smart she is by saying she has "a good head on [her] shoulder." Hah! Ebony inserts the word bananas randomly. Is she Gwen Stefani?

Commercials. OK, that MasterCard ad with all the product mascots getting together for dinner is pretty cute. But the Morton Salt girl shouldn't open her umbrella inside. It's bad luck.

Final deliberations. OJ is wearing a shirt that reads "Friend With Privileges". 1) Ew. 2) Who are you, Bruce Vilanch? 3) Ew. The only privilege I could see by being friends with OJ is that I'd look pretty hot by comparison. They discuss the various pros and cons of some of the girls. OJ does make a fairly astute point by saying Regina isn't heavy enough to be a plus-sized model, and isn't skinny enough to be a "normal" model. Evening. Time to announce the 13 girls who will actually take part in the competition. Let's get to it.

Cassandra. Nik. Kyle. Ashley. Brief sidebar: Tyra keeps saying "the next name that I'm going to call..." Tyra, we know it's the next name you're going to call by virtue of the fact that it is the next name you call. She is so irritating sometimes. OK. Bre. Kim. Sarah. Jayla. Coryn. Nicole. Diane. Fugly Lisa. And finally...Ebony! Yay!

Aw. I'm sorry to see Regina go. I don't know why Tyra hates redheads, but they never make the cut. Also, let's do some brief math. We know that 20 girls were just cut to 13. That leaves 7 losers. We know that Regina and April are two of them, because we saw them get their photos for the fashion show. Five losers. We know that Stacie is one of them because of her interview at the fashion show, and Whitney is one because she talks in her one-on-one about selling pigs or whatever. Three losers. And these three are very special losers. These three girls somehow managed to get through: the panel interviews, the scenes in between the interviews when everyone was fighting, the photo finding, the fashion show, the one-on-one interviews, and the final elimination without once being identified by name. Maybe one of them was one of the earlier girls who barely got any screen time, like Melissa or Jessica, but I don't think so. Wow. Doubly sucks to be them.

In the next hour of our season opener: The girls move into the model pad, and meet the mummified corpse of Robin Leach. Several people embarrass themselves at a runway show (including the show's narrator), and the girls take part in a "super" fashion shoot. Thirteen is such an unlucky number. Let's boot one more tonight, shall we?

Overall Grade: B