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Project Runway - Season 3, Episode 5

Previously on Project Runway: Keith got Alison and Jeffrey on his team. Keith made them do all the difficult work. Keith got caught cheating. Keith got tossed out on his ass. Aaaahhhhhhh. Now that we've dispensed with him for the rest of eternity (ooh, except perhaps an awesome reunion show), we've got ourselves a show, here. The rest of the designers soldiered on with their three-piece outfits. "Angela" took the win, by which I mean Angela was the figurehead of the team with Michael and Laura, who really took the win. Robert's outfit was dull, but it was Bonnie who became the latest victim of the normal-people witch hunt, the better to stack the deck with assholes and lunatics. Ten designers remain. Who will be out tonight?

Opening credits. Whatever happened to the bit where Uli claims that her inner bitch is going to come out? That was awesome.

Morning. Jeffrey, you'll be surprised to learn, is annoyed that Angela won the previous challenge, even though he admits that he and Macy's aren't exactly a match made in heaven. Oh, well then I'm sure that once he has a challenge that's tailor-made (no pun intended) to his "ugly-ass deconstructed rags" aesthetic, he'll totally win. Michael is also bemoaning the fact he's never won a challenge. Robert has elimination rather than victory on his mind. He says he needs to prove to the judges that he can make clothes that aren't boring. Didn't Robert start out really strong? What happened to him?

Runway. Heidi comes out to tell the designers about their next challenge. She's already holding the velvet bag, so I sense some model change in the wind. Excellent. All of the models emerge. Heidi tells everyone that indeed, they're going to do things differently this week. The models will be picking the designers instead of vice versa. Sweet! Since there are 12 models and 10 designers, the last two buttons left in the bag will be the two eliminated models. Uh, oh. That sounds dangerous. This means that a legitimately awesome model (such as Nazri or Lindsay) could get booted. Exciting! Let's get to it. First up is Alexandra. She interviews that she wanted to work with someone she hadn't worked with before. She chooses Alison. Clarissa picks Angela. Clarissa must have dug into the funny mushrooms before coming out on stage. Angela opens her mouth into a hideous grin. I think I've pegged what I find most annoying about Angela. She's a camera whore. You can tell that her demeanor instantly changes when the camera's pointed her way, and she starts mugging, which is so irritating.

Anyway. Amanda's next, and she chooses Kayne. Nazri takes Michael. Oooh, that'll be a good pair. Lindsay takes Uli. Oooh, that'll be a good pair also. Danielle the Sevenhead doesn't hesitate for a second, but sticks with her buddy Robert. Marilinda chooses Jeffrey. Now that I think about it, Marilinda is really here by the skin of her teeth. She's been the model for two eliminated designers, and that usually spells doom for a model. Marilinda just keeps on surviving. She's a cockroach! Camilla takes Laura. That means all my favorite models have been spared, so many thanks to Lady Luck. Weird-looking Jia sticks with weird-looking, weird-designing Vincent. So Bradley is last picked yet again. Aw. Katie, Javi, and Katia are still up on stage, and I frankly don't care which two get booted. Heidi pulls Katie's name, so she's with Bradley. Bye, Javi and Katia! I don't have to worry that I'm confusing you with Jia and Katie anymore!

Now for the actual challenge. Heidi explains that the designers will have to modernize the look of a famous fashion icon. There are 10 icons pictured in the workroom, but the designers won't get to choose which icon they'll be working with. Nope, the model has to choose one for them. Awesome. The designers look wary. The models look evilly pleased. The models wander off to change, and Alison turns to Jeffrey to give him a knowing nod and a smile, which I swear happens in every single episode. The models, now actually dressed, meet Tim in the workroom to choose icons. They eye the pictures, trying to figure out which one to snag. Tim tells them that when he says "go", they can choose a picture. Tim won't discover for a few seconds that when you yell "Go!" to a group of people, you should really take a big step away from them first. Clarissa interviews that she was ready to fight for the death to get Audrey Hepburn. Her fingers twitch. Heh. Tim gives the word, and the models swarm all over. Pictures are literally flying up into the air. Now Tim gets the hell out of the way. Hehehehe. Danielle the Sevenhead interviews that she knew it was going to be a fight. Katie, who's too bitty to get into it with her elbows, winds up with the leftover picture. Cher. Ouch. Somewhere, Cher sees herself being chosen last and resolves to have a few more plastic surgeries. Tim gleefully announces that he's never done it this way before, but "Models, I'm sending in the designers!" Tim's so great.

The designers come in. Angela whores for the camera some more by jumping up and down excitedly when Clarissa shows her that she got Audrey Hepburn. Nazri got "Pam motherfuckin' Grier" for Michael. Perfect. Danielle the Sevenhead got Jackie O. for Robert. Perfect. Marilinda got Madonna for Jeffrey. Perfect. If there's someone who can appreciate cracked-out clothing, it's certainly Madonna. Amanda got Marilyn Monroe for Kayne. Perfect. Lindsay got Diana Ross for Uli. While I wouldn't call that a perfect match, an outfit that would look good on Diana Ross would look good on Lindsay, so that was probably the smart choice. Tim interrupts to say that the designers have two days and $150 to complete the outfit. They also have half an hour to talk things over with their models before fabric shopping. Camilla has chosen Katherine Hepburn for Laura. Perfect! These models are some smart cookies. Smart cookies!?!? Man, I've been hanging around with my mom way too much this week. Alexandra has chosen Farrah Fawcett for Alison. While I admit the whole Farrah worship thing was before my time, was she really considered a fashion icon? I thought her defining trendsetting had to do with her hairstyle. Whatever. Jia has picked Twiggy for Vincent. Poor Twiggy. And Bradley? "I don't know shit about Cher," he despairs. Does that mean he's straight? Suck. He and Katie try and work out what to do, and he interviews that he should probably start paying more attention to celebrities. Hehehe. Oh, Bradley.

Let's all go to the fabric store. Man, I feel like I know Mood like the back of my hand now. Michael selects a hot pink fabric. He's excited about the challenge. Robert gets some fabric that he calls pale turquoise, but it looks more baby blue on my screen. It's pretty. He continues to worry about making boring clothes. Back at the workroom, the designers have seven hours until the end of the day. Kayne is adorably pumped for his Marilyn Monroe dress. He's already finished part of the outfit, which is black leather, and looks like it's going to be wonderful. Uli frets that she's the only one using crazy colored print fabric for once. Hahaha. Vincent says something about bell-like sleeves or whatever. It's getting to the point where Vincent's voice is like the adults in Peanuts. Three hours later, people are plugging away in the sewing room. Bradley asks Angela what's up with one of the machines, and she says that she re-thread it. Apparently, she did a suck ass job, because nothing's coming out right. She tries to play the "hey, it's just broken" card, but Bradley's not buying. He switches over to Alison's machine, so when she comes in, she's got nowhere to work. People grouse about it, and Angela actually comes in to complain that people are badmouthing her, because it's not like she broke the machine! The evil machine-breaking elf did it!

Jeffrey sees that his pal Alison is without a machine, and is not happy about it. He interviews that Angela and "the rest of these inexperienced assholes" ruined it for the people who know what they're doing. Why is he making that plural? Who's an inexperienced asshole who ruined everything besides Angela? He yells at her that even if she didn't physically break it, if it goes wrong while she's on it, she's the one who needs to be responsible to fix it. He says it has nothing to do with whether or not he likes her (although I suspect it's more personal than he's letting on -- think he'd screech at Alison like this?), but she needs to take responsibility. Angela just yells at him to shut up. The fight then does proceed into the "Well, you're a doodyhead!" territory, and Laura, who thought she had left her children behind, only to find this new pack of brats, leaps into the fray. "If you're so fucking successful, and you know so much, what are you doing here, Jeff?" He's like "Am I even fighting with you? Huh?" He starts imitating Laura by quacking a lot in an interview. He thinks this is funny. It is not.

Still? The first time I saw this episode, I was all like "Oh, here goes Jeffrey again, with his infuriating rampant sense of entitlement." But on seeing this again, I'm dismayed to say that while he's as insufferable a jerk as always, at the core, he's right. I really don't understand how these sewing machine arguments break out time and time again if everyone is assigned their own. Angela was on Bradley's machine. Why? Where is hers? She probably broke it, then moved on to Bradley's. It also broke, or she broke it. So without fixing it, telling anyone it was broken, or asking if it was OK to use someone else's, she just leaps ahead and leaves her mess behind for someone else to find. Then she has the gall to be angry when someone calls her on it? What a goddamned bitch. Laura's argument was basically "Jeffrey's an asshole." Which he is. Plus, throwing a big "Oh, woe is me to be surrounded by such fools" tantrum certainly doesn't raise him in my estimation. But that doesn't make him wrong about Angela.

Commercials. Graceful elephants make me want to drink gin. Or something.

Back in the workroom, Michael is unhappy that everyone is ganging up on Angela for "thrills and giggles". That is very sweet of him, but with respect, that's not why they're ganging up on her, he wasn't even there to see why people are mad at her, and I daresay he wouldn't be rainbows and sunshine if she'd fucked up his sewing machine. On the other hand, he interviews that he's not trying to play "Captain Save-A-Ho", which is possibly the funniest thing ever uttered on this show. Jeffrey points out the domino effect of people having to work on other people's machines now that she's ruined one. Well if she re-thread it incorrectly, why not just fix it yourself? She didn't smash it with a mallet. Michael isn't interested in fighting with anyone, so he backs off. He interviews that there's more tension in the workroom now, but he's trying to stay true to himself. He gives his mom a call. At this point, Gnat and I give each other nervous looks, because we all know what a lot of screentime and a call to Mom can mean on this show. He interviews that his parents have always been big supporters of him being a designer. He signs off by asking his mom to send his love to the rest of the family. Aw.

With fifteen minutes left, Vincent decides that he doesn't like the tan linen fabric he's purchased. I'm glad it only took him six hours and forty-five minutes to figure that out. Robert takes the fabric off his hands to make a jacket for his dress. He says that it will be young and modern. Time runs out. Back at the Atlas, Kayne says that he'll be excited to see Jeffrey and Bradley's dresses. Cause they're Madonna and Cher! Jeez, it's like he's got a checklist of gay stereotypes that he's working his way through. Next to him, I'm practically a lumberjack. Jeffrey says he's looking forward to seeing Laura's. And he grins because ISN'T THAT HILARIOUS? HE SAID HE WANTS TO SEE LAURA'S DRESS, BUT HE DOESN'T LIKE HER, SO IT'S A JOKE. GET IT? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!! God, he's such a fucking tool.

Morning. Kayne even takes off his sunglasses homosexually. At least he takes them off indoors. He gets about a bazillion points for that. He shows us the sheer, black stretch fabric he's using. OK. Angela blathers something about Audrey Hepburn's style. She's wearing a shirt that reads "B is for BIATCH." Um...ha? Alison says she's modernizing her '70s dress by giving it a high waistband, which is "pretty hawwt reeiat now". I really can't place that accent at all. Bradley's working on a shiny top, and Jeffrey makes another stupid-ass joke, then laughs at his own devastating wit. Can we get five minutes away from your Festival of Hilarity, dude? I mean, you've got me laughing so hard, I need to come up for air. Bradley interviews that he hopes Cher would like the outfit, but he has no trouble making fun of it when Vincent comes over to look. Shortly thereafter, Tim comes in to say that the designers will have fifteen minutes with their models today, so that they can do fittings and whatnot. Usually, the designers don't get to do this until right before the show, so they're happy to hear they can tackle it early this time.

The models come in and get dressed. Michael interviews that when he saw his dress on Nazri, he didn't like it. It was pretty, but that's not what he was going for with this outfit. He decides to try and make some changes to the outfit before the runway show. Meanwhile, Bradley finds that the pants he's made for Katie are far too tight. "Cameltoe!" she exclaims, and I'm surprised this is the first time that word has made an appearance on this show. It's got to happen all the time. As Kayne works on his dress, Amanda talks on and on and on and on about where she went last night and what she ate and who's buying what for her. Kayne looks like he's about to kill her. Or himself. In the sewing room, she continues her neverending stream of chatter. Now Robert and Michael start to get that glazed look in their eyes. After she wanders out of the room, Robert says that he was about to lose his mind. The three of them make twittery noises and crack up. Heh.

Commercials. I'm sorry, but I'm still not willing to treat September 11 as entertainment. I don't care how moving and respectful the film is. I still find it incredibly tacky to be like "Come relive this tragedy! That'll be ten dollars! Don't forget to stock up on Raisinettes!"

As the fittings wrap up, Tim asks everyone to gather. He introduces Nathaniel Hawkins (to us - the designers already know him), the lead stylist who gets the models ready for the show each week. What follows amounts to little more than tedious product placement for hair care products, but he does say that the winner of this week's challenge will have their look captured in an ad for Elle magazine. Everyone's excited. Bradley jokes that he likes the company's hair gel. Let's just skip the rest of this filler segment.

Back in the workroom, there are two hours left. Tim comes back to check on everyone's progress. Robert's up first. To his horror, Tim finds his outfit, in Robert's own words, "incredibly plain". Tim's much happier about Kayne's outfit, encouraging him to include the cascading ruffle Kayne wants to put in. Michael tells Tim he kept the top of his previous dress, but is replacing the skirt with hotpants. Tim responds that he hates hotpants, but can't deny that they're back in style. Bradley's shiny top is a real problem. It's like "armor" or the "Tin Woodsman in the Wizard of Oz". I'm surprised there isn't a shot of Kayne's head whipping around at the mention of what is no doubt his favorite movie. With thirty minutes left, there's a final work montage. Don't even tell me Angela's putting another one of her goddamned rosettes on her dress. Robert works on details that "no one will ever see or appreciate". Michael worries that Nina will instantly hate his hotpants. And....time's up.

Morning. The designers strut around in varying states of undress. I'm afraid none of them are good-looking enough for this to thrill me. Well, Alison and Bradley are, but one is on the wrong team, and one never wanders around with his shirt off. Michael says he needs to get a lot done before the show. Workroom. Models. Two hours to get ready. Standard operating procedure. Models get fitted. Michael goes into a whirlwind to get his pants done. Robert is disappointed in his outfit. Amanda actually babbles to the point where Kayne tells her to shut up, which was pretty damn rude. He pledges to use her again in the future, since she's such a good model, but wants to duct tape her mouth shut. Michael finishes up the pants. Hair and makeup get done. Jeffrey tells the stylist he doesn't want Marilinda to look like a hooker. Because Madonna would certainly never appear in an outfit of questionable taste. Showtime. Robert says that his linen dress is wrinkling like crazy. Go figure. He interviews that he needs a miracle.

Commercials. I'm not sure an entire movie can be built around David Duchovny getting racked in the balls.

Runway. Heidi explains the whole challenge again, saying that the winner of this challenge will not receive immunity. She introduces the judges. Michael Kors is finally back. Nina, of course. And today's guest judge is Diane Von Furstenberg, who was an excellent guest judge last season, so yay. Let's hit it! Up first is Alexandra, in Alison's dress. Eh, I find it pretty unremarkable. It's a white skirt with some ruffle at the bottom, and a chocolate brown sleeveless top. The top is V-necked down to the bellybutton, and the inner seam is laced with white ruffle. See, I told you Farrah Fawcett was useless as design inspiration. Next up in Katie in Bradley's Cher outfit. It's...not pretty. The top is shiny, reflective material, almost like aluminum foil. It's got short sleeves and comes down to the midriff. The bottom is composed of simple white pants (with some extra straps) that are too tight. Next is Clarissa in Angela's Audrey Hepburn dress. It's fairly boring. It's a tight-fitting black textured dress with black ruffle at the bottom. I will say that I really like the way it's fit in the back. It gives Clarissa a very classic, rounded look.

Next is Amanda in Kayne's Marilyn Monroe dress. It's great. I'm not wild about the color combination, but the design is terrific. There's a black, fur boa draped around her shoulders, and the dress is a sleeveless V-neck in see-through black fabric over...brown? White? Nothing? It's impossible to tell through the black. The whole thing is accented with black leather, and the cascading ruffle Kayne talked about earlier. It's a terrific outfit, and Amanda really sells the Marilyn Monroe image. Camilla in Laura's Katherine Hepburn outfit. It is exactly the same style Laura always does. I don't know if that's a complaint or not, because the exact same style Laura always does is beautiful. This is a collared pink top with some flowing straps hanging down, and tight tan pants. Laura voices-over that she likes her outfit, but is concerned because it's not as dramatic an icon as some of the others have. Sigh. Jia in Vincent's Twiggy dress. One shoulder is black. The other is a bright plaid, which comes down to form the rest of the thigh-length dress. There are crescent moon-shaped pockets, a wide belt, and black leggings. The only good thing about it is the choice of that plaid, which is very Twiggyesque. Next is Nazri, in Michael's Pam Grier outfit. It's awesome. It's hot pink, sleeveless, and opens to show some skin in the middle, but is held closed by a belt. Beneath that is a short ruffle, which overlays the hotpants a little.

Next is Danielle the Sevenhead in Robert's Jackie Onassis outfit. Er. First of all, what happened to that lovely light blue fabric he bought? I know he borrowed the tan linen from Vincent, but the top underneath the tan jacket is dark blue. I can't even really see the top, because of the jacket. And about that jacket. It looks disturbingly similar to the messy jacket the judges didn't like last week. It's wide, but pulled together at the waist with a thin cord. I hate it. It makes her look like she's wearing a burlap sack. The tan linen skirt is much sharper, but the tan with the tan is exactly the kind of boring Robert is trying to escape. Next is Lindsay in Uli's Diana Ross dress. Lindsay does a little "I'm a star!" pose behind the screen before she comes out. Heh. Uli's dress is very pretty, as always. It's bright purple and the straps cross at the neck before opening a little at the chest to show some cleavage. The bottom is loose and flowing, and there seems to be a muted animal print in the purple. It's cool. Oh, for the love of fuck. We don't need a subtitle to know who this ill-fitting, shredded mess belongs to. Yes, it's Marilinda in Jeffrey's Madonna dress. It's hideous. The top is red leather that doesn't fit in the chest at all. The bottom is a short, black, silky-looking skirt that seems to be sewn onto the top at random places. There are also chunky black boots. Bleh.

The designers step onto the runway, and the judges tabulate their scores. Step forward when called. Alison. Laura. Uli. Jeffrey. If Heidi has called your name... Forty thousand years of silence. Heidi, really. Since you're leaving six behind, and it's obvious that those six are the highest and lowest scores, just say it. Anyway, these four are safe. Duh. Back to the winners and losers. The models emerge. The judges start with Kayne. They love everything about it. Vincent. They ask about his icon, and he says that it's Twiggy. He goes on to describe her by saying things like "Twiggy was incredible. She was such a simple, fun, playful woman..." Meanwhile, Twiggy's watching this over on the set of America's Next Top Model, thinking "Was? Did I die?" Diane becomes my instant hero by saying "First of all, Twiggy is still alive. So let's talk about it in the present tense." LOVE. The judges dislike the outfit. Michael Kors calls out the ugly pockets. Michael Knight describes his bold color choice as a match for Pam Grier's bold personalities in her kickass movies. Heidi thinks it's a very sexy outfit. Diane loves the proportions. Nina and Kors agree that either the top or bottom could be successfully worn separately. Robert looks down, knowing his chance of being in the top three is slim to none at this point.

Bradley. The judges really dislike the outfit, because Cher wears just about anything, so he had a lot to choose from. Michael points out the tight crotch of the pants. Heidi says it's like an old Halloween costume you buy at the mall. Ouch. Angela talks about her fabric's texture. The judges inexplicably love it. Heidi says she'd like a dress like that in every color. I mean, it's certainly not ugly, but huh? Robert. He talks about how tailored and clean Jackie O. always looked, as there's a lingering shot on that awful cord holding the jacket together. Ugh. Nina doesn't like the color or fabric choice. Michael points out that in every decade, Jackie always looked impeccable, neat, and sharp, and that Robert's outfit is nothing like that. I have to agree. The designers are dismissed, and the models are reminded about the magazine spread waiting for the winner.

Deliberations. Nina is never bored with Kayne. Everyone loves his dress. Angela's dress gets more odd raves. Michael's presentation was flawless. To transition into the bottom three, Heidi asks the other judges "Who do we hate?" Yowch. Nina brings up Vincent first. Well, of course. He's consistently sucked since the very beginning. And yet he's STILL HERE. Bradley's outfit had nothing to do with his icon, and was poorly made. Robert's was boring, and the judges are puzzled that he couldn't design for what seems like the perfect icon for him. The judges reach a decision. The designers are brought back out.

This week's nice thing about someone I don't like: The employees at the Einstein Brothers bagel shop near the lab are stupid, rude, and unhelpful, but I was there the other day, and got pretty much the best apple I've ever had in my life.

Elimination. Angela is in. Next up is the winner. And it will be... Michael. Sweet. Kayne tries to give the "it's an honor just to be nominated" smile, but his lips are so pursed, he looks like he's been sucking a lemon for half an hour. Heidi tells Michael his look was perfect, and tells him he's won the ad in Elle magazine. He does a happy little boogie dance. He leaves the runway and gives Nazri the good news. They hug gleefully. Angela senses the camera isn't on her, and joins in the hug. Fuck off, twit. Michael vows to be ready for the next challenge. Back on the runway, Kayne is obviously in. Vincent is in. Sigh. Robert couldn't have chosen a worse fabric, and the judges were bored. Bradley biffed an easy icon, and his outfit was cheap-looking. Robert... Is... In. Heidi says they believe in his talent, but he has to wake them up. Aw, that means Bradley is out. It's understandable, but still a shame. He interviews that this is serious high fashion, and he made a Tinker Toy. Haha. It's things like that I'm going to miss. He says that given his current level, he did what he did. Er...that you did. Good-bye, Bradley. Feel free to come over and watch the rest of the episodes at my place. The episode wraps up by showing us Nazri's photo shoot, which looks like it took place the same day, given that Michael is still in the same outfit he wore for the runway show. They must have armed guards at the door, because there are cameras everywhere, but Angela's not jumping in front of them.

Next week on Project Runway: The next few challenges are going to get tougher. Folks peer under an opening garage door. Robert wants someone to shut up. Laura hates everyone else's outfits.

Overall Grade: B