Party Foul

Project Runway - Season 3, Episode 8

Previously on Project Runway: The designers made clothes for the "everyday" woman, assuming the everyday woman had a lifetime to inflict emotional abuse or pass on undeserved rampant senses of entitlement (also known as their sisters and mothers, respectively). Robert had no idea how to dress a woman that doesn't have Barbie's measurements. Angela's mother was a passive-aggressive nit, but was fortunate enough to be paired with Jeffrey, who wiped out any transgression she ever could have committed by being his usual unpleasant self. Vincent inexplicably won the challenge, while Robert was very explicably eliminated. Seven designers remain. Who will be out tonight?

Opening credits. Stacey is nowhere to be seen. I can't even pick her out of a freeze frame of the final lineup of all fifteen contestants.

Morning. Atlas. Gay porn shot of Kayne. Stop assaulting me, Kayne's armpit hair! He interviews that it was tough to see Robert go, but is understandably glad that he himself is still in the running. Vincent says he was happy for his win, which is shown over a shot of him looking like he'd like to blow his brains out. Is this Vincent when he's happy? I guess I should just be glad he's not still talking about how his own outfits make him want to jizz. Laura interviews that being pregnant will not stop her from being competitive on the show. Bitch, please. Fighting off an axe-wielding maniac while simultaneously balancing Chile's budget wouldn't stop you from being competitive on the show. Meanwhile, Jeffrey's being typically tiresome (something about "letting" Angela smoke), so let's just move on. Angela interviews that she would have been relieved to see Jeffrey eliminated. You and me both, sister.

Runway. Heidi comes out holding the velvet bag. Yay, velvet bag! Her bangs are aggressively ugly this week. She brings out the models, two of which will have to go tonight. This will be the second time some poor model will be eliminated in the week after one where she didn't even walk. Sad. Every single one of the seven designers sticks with the model they already have. Zzzzz. Zulema may have been a bitch, but at least she kept things interesting. That means Alexandra (Alison's model) and Danielle the Sevenhead (Robert's model) will be the ones to go. All of my favorites are still in it. I don't think I've ever seen the models I enjoy the most last this long. Amanda, being the last model chosen, comes backstage and freaks the fuck out because she's still in the running. The other models look at her blankly. Lindsay cements herself even further as one of my favorites by interviewing that while all the models want to win, "Amanda feels she 'deserves' [complete with air-quote fingers -- Limecrete] a lot of things." Lindsay is awesome. Back on the runway, Heidi tells the designers that the next challenge is to design an outfit for a hip, international jetsetter. Kayne seems to think that it's going to be Tara Reid, like anyone has the slightest bit of respect for her these days. Heidi sends them off, and adds that there are benefits to winning this challenge that won't be revealed until a later one. Nothing about immunity is mentioned.

At the workroom, Tim lets the designers in on the fact that the "hip, international jetsetter" that they will be designing for is, in fact, themselves. Well, there goes my guess about flight attendants. I take it from Angela's spaz attack that we're supposed to find this challenge shocking and/or fascinating. I frankly don't. I'm interested to see the outfits, but the challenge itself seems pretty dull. Uli is excited for this challenge, while Vincent, still looking like he's about to throw himself into the East River, interviews that he's never made menswear before. Hey, Keith "never" "made" womenswear, and he took the first challenge. Tim tells the designers that they'll be modeling their own looks, so yet another model will be eliminated for a show she didn't walk in. Sigh. The designers again only have one day to complete the outfit, and have a budget of $75. Yipes, that's not much. Tim gives them fifteen minutes to sketch.

We get a montage of interviews from the designers about what they feel a "jetsetter" is, which is boring. Vincent and Kayne make note of the fact that a jetsetter's outfit should travel well. Angela interviews that she has some trouble with the jetsetter concept, since she and her husband live on a farm. Her hair has magically recurled itself in between her two interviews. Nice job, editors. Laura wants to save time by making a simple cocktail dress. Vincent continues to fret over his lack of menswear experience. Jeffrey wants to do a rock n' roll outfit. Time runs out, and Tim leads the designers out into the rainy street to go shop for fabric. Kayne picks out a fabric best described as "gay Monarch butterfly". Jeffrey disdains the fabric (calling it very "Liberace"), because he disdains everything. Yawn. Sadly, I agree with him on this one. He buys some purple wool.

Back at the workroom, people lay out their fabrics. Uli has bought a whole bunch of wacky-ass prints. I think she's used a wacky-ass print in every single challenge in which the designers bought their own materials. She says that the party dresses she wears are something "you can wear the whole evening; even if you get vaaaysted." Hahaha. I'll bet Drunk Uli is fun. Angela continues scratching her head over the whole jetsetting outfit idea. Vincent stands around in his underwear, examining his pants on the table to try and get an idea of how to make them. He does seem admirably determined to get over this hurdle.

Hey, remember last week when Jeffrey and Angela's mom didn't get along? Remember how there was a bunch of fighting, and Jeffrey was a fuckstick about the whole thing? Remember how Jeffrey's outfit wound up sucking? No, you don't. Of course you don't! Why else would the show feel the need to rehash the whole fucking thing right now? I'll save us some time. Jeffrey and Angela have another stupid spat. The end.

Commercials. I think I'll pass on that show about annoying people helping other annoying people buy overpriced houses from yet more annoying people.

It seems to be the modus operandi to have one of the designers recap the entire challenge after the first commercial break. I'll assume you can cast your mind back ten minutes without the help. Vincent continues plugging away, and is very pleased with himself for being able to make a pair of men's pants. Even though I think Vincent should have been eliminated the very first week, that is really impressive. Tim comes in to check on everyone. He doesn't really understand Jeffrey's outfit, but leaves him to his own devices. Laura's trying to break out of her usual mold, and is feeling pretty good about her cocktail dress so far. Of course, as she explains to us, she felt good about the last one too, which the judges hated. Tim hates Kayne's idea of draping the butterfly print across the back of his shirt, saying that it looks very "Elvis". He's right. Kayne shooes him away, of course, because Tim's advice sucks. People who ignore his criticisms are always fine. Right, Raymundo? Lupe? Nick? Malan? Katie? Tim tells Michael to give more thought to the shirt he'll be wearing under the jacket he's designed. Michael seems amenable, but is worried about the time crunch. Angela's outfit is looking arty-craftsy, as she is wont to do. Tim doesn't like it, but quickly realizes that she's not going to change her design. He tells her she can stick to her guns, as long as she's willing to stand by it at the judging. After telling the designers that they can't count on any additional time in the morning, Tim takes his leave.

Two hours until the deadline. Work montage. Kayne works on Vincent's sewing machine, because God forbid anyone use their own fucking machine on this show. Angela messes something up on a machine. No news there. Jeffrey dislikes other people's outfits. Still no news. Angela has stuck those goddamned rosettes in a flower shape on each buttcheek of her pants. Wake me if these people do anything they haven't done in four other episodes. Jeffrey finishes his outfit, and of course is massively proud of himself, because he only operates on two levels: (1) Yay, me! (2) Boo, someone who's not me! After the deadline has passed, and everyone's back at the Atlas, Michael gives Kayne some modeling tips. He makes it look pretty effortless. The next morning, people wake up and look suitably horrible. Especially Angela, who wears two of the ugliest outfits ever constructed in quick succession. Still, I shouldn't complain. At least they're not bubble skirts. Laura interviews that she's not ready to be eliminated. The designers leave, and... Gaaaack! Angela's wearing a bubble skirt! Why did I have to open my fat mouth?

Workroom. Tim tells the designers they have an hour to get themselves through hair and makeup and to get dressed. A couple of tiresome scenes follow, in which Jeffrey fancies himself funny. I hiked seven miles through a forest today. I don't have the energy for Jeffrey. Angela's hair is straightened. Then it magically recurls itself again. Then it magically restraightens itself again. Who needs to design? She could make a living just doing that trick. She looks much better with straighter hair, which I've come to expect. Other people get their hair and makeup done, but Michael wisely decides that it's unnecessary for him, and uses the time to finish up his shirt. Designers disrobe to get their outfits on. I'm now more intimately acquainted with Kayne's manboobs than I ever needed to be. Laura looks... I'd better save it for the runway show. She joins the ever-growing list of people who finds Kayne's outfit tacky.

Commercials. Yeah. If the volume of a woman's eyelashes ever causes you to spill a drink, you're officially too shallow.

Runway. Heidi comes out to address the other judges, since the designers are still backstage. The guest judge this week will be Francisco Costa, creative director of Calvin Klein. Blah blah challenge recap, and we're off! First up is Vincent, who still looks morose. He also looks freaking boring. I mean, congrats on being able to make pants and all, but he's wearing a plain black sweater, plain black pants, and flip flops. Yeah, he's totally the next great American designer. We know the next silhouette is going to be Jeffrey, because he tries to strike an awesome "ROCK ON!" pose, but it lands closer to "HEIL HITLER!" The outfit itself isn't bad. Black pants and shirt, but unlike Vincent, he's provided some ornamentation. There's a silver pattern on the chest, and ugh... Studded buttons on his crotch. Anywhere know where I put my ipecac? He's also made a short blazer out of the purple wool, which looks very good. Don't think I'm not pained by admitting that he's made a cool outfit, and that he's adhered to the challenge's parameters really well. Oh, Angela. Angela, Angela, Angela. She's got a raspberry-colored peasant tank top and brown linen pants. There are some ill-advised accessories at her beltline, but the real travesty are those awful flower rosettes on her ass. Francisco is slack-jawed.

Next up is Laura. Wowsers. Laura looks fan-freaking-tastic. Her dress is a simple, sleeveless, peach-colored garment that's bunched at the waist, and has a bow in the back that trails down to the bottom of the dress. My boss said that she didn't care for the color, because it's too close to Laura's skin tone, but I think it looks great. She's helped by the fact that the stylists have made her hair look wonderful. Up next is Michael. He's made white cargo pants with hanging straps for that ghetto look he's striving for. He's followed Tim's advice and layered two white short-sleeve shirts on top. He looks fairly good, though I don't see much in the way of jetsetting except those straps. And he's also very good at the modeling itself, which is especially offset by the fact that Kayne is next. Kayne walks down the runway like he's doing a sobriety test. He's made a belt that reads "KAYNE" in rhinestones. And that butterfly print on his back? Just as tacky as Jeffrey and Tim and Laura and I thought. Finally, Uli comes out, puts her hands on her hips, and stomps down the runway like she's about to kick all of our asses. Her dress is long, and has several layers of different wacky-ass prints. It's a little Chiquita Banana girl for my tastes, but is vibrant and would certainly get her noticed at "international parties". Her silhouette does a little kick as she leaves the runway.

The designers line up on the runway, and the judges tabulate their scores. Heidi introduces the judges for the designers' benefit. Then to the questions. Uli explains that her dress is versatile, and can be worn on the beach with flip-flops, or she can put on higher shoes to go straight to a party. I can buy that. Francisco wipes his eye as he says he appreciates her design talent, but thinks it's over-the-top. Michael Kors thinks the dress is too limited in the geography of the parties where it would work. For example, it would look great in the Caribbean, but not London. The judges also warn Uli that she's becoming a bit one-note (which is exactly what they told Chloe, so shut up, judges). Angela presents her "Angela details" AKA fucking rosettes AKA those things that people have expressly told her are hideous. Kors tells her that she's chosen the worst fabric possible for her shorts, given that linen wrinkles so easily. Francisco wipes his eye again as he tells her what an impractical fabric choice she's made. Dude, it's called Visine. Look into it. Laura explains her dress. There's not much to it. Francisco questions the knot in the back and if she could sit on a plane comfortably, but Kors defends her by saying that the knot could easily be put to the front temporarily. Has Nina said a single word yet? Oh, here she goes. She says that Laura's dress will look chic and smart in pretty much every setting.

Jeffrey smarms about his outfit. Francisco thinks he looks great. Heidi thinks he stretched the budget very well, and Nina thinks his outfit is very current. Vincent stresses the comfort and wearability of his outfit. Well, there's no way he could have emphasized his design choices, given that he didn't seem to make any. Francisco thinks he looks great. Francisco is a "creative director"? And he thinks solid black on solid black, with absolutely no elaboration either in design or construction is terrific? Um, OK. No wonder he thought Uli's outfit was over-the-top. Nina and Kors are not impressed. The nerve of them expecting some DESIGN to go into a DESIGN challenge. Michael explains his outfit, and mentions that his fabric is seersucker, which was brilliant. As Kors says, seersucker travels well because it's already wrinkled, so you can't mess it up. All the judges think he looks clean and smart. I can't keep up with Kayne's jabber about his outfit. His enthusiasm does not sway the judges. Nina brings up Elvis, which is exactly what Tim warned Kayne against. Bozo. Kors admires the construction, but says that Kayne's outfit looks like a costume.

Heidi tells the designers that one of them will be the winner, and one of them will be out... But not tonight. Heidi elaborates that they want to see how the outfits travel. Laura has apparently taken up the banner from Alison, because she turns to Jeffrey with a knowing smile. She leaves the nod out, though. The designers will be sent on a trip. Horrible clown grin from Angela. Heidi tells them there are plane tickets waiting for them at the Atlas, and they have one hour to pack and get to the airport. Uh, huh. Sure, I have to show up a minimum of two hours in advance of my flight out of a Midwestern city, but I'm sure the designers can get to their apartments, pack, get to the airport, and get through security with a camera crew in tow in the most populated city in America in an hour. I guess Heidi never said the plane actually takes off in an hour, so she's probably just imposing some phoney-baloney time limit on them that makes no difference whatsoever. The designers jog off the runway.

Commercials. Ooh, a new Josh Hartnett movie! Just because every single one of his previous ones have sucked doesn't mean this one has to!

Nobody knows what's going on or where they're going or what to pack or how long they'll be gone. It's still raining as the designers walk back to the Atlas and discover that their tickets don't have a destination printed on them. You know, they're those special tickets that don't have to have all the information printed out beforehand. You can get them at any airport or travel agent. In Fantasyland. More various filler interviews about how nobody knows anything. Yawn. Once at the airport, the designers go to a kiosk, swipe their passports, and type in some sort of confirmation number. Turns out they're off to Paris. Good thing they're flying Delta, because United clearly states that they fly the friendly skies, and if they did that, they'd have to leave Jeffrey behind. All of the designers are excited to go to Paris. Kayne's eyes about bug out of his head. Laura's just happy because it sounds like their seats are in first class. Heh. They board, and the flight attendant brings them champagne and thinks to herself, "Crap. Why couldn't their jetsetting challenge be to design a new outfit for us? I look like a vampiric hooker." As the designers settle, Tim boards the plane. Everyone's happy to see him. Let's hope he won't be in charge of giving the safety lecture. Kayne will just tune him out, and then what would he do when the oxygen masks drop? Laura says that she's very comfortable in her dress, though she did move the knot to the front. Jeffrey's just looking forward to getting some sleep.

The plane takes off, and there's unfortunately not a cartoon of the designers' heads bobbling in the window as a cartoon plane flies across a cartoon map. Accordion music brings us to Paris. It's very beautiful, but after a few years of watching America's Next Top Model and The Amazing Race, watching other people's wonder and delight at discovering Paris has worn really thin. Get back to me when you can fly me to Paris, show. Vincent interviews that his outfit didn't wrinkle at all on the trip. The designers pull up to Parsons' Paris location. They stream into Le Chambre de Travailler. That's the workroom. Maybe. Sorry, I minored in Spanish. Angela loves her new surroundings. Not to give away the ending, but oof. Uli wonders why there are only six workstations, and is reminded that someone's still got to be eliminated. That kills everyone's joy. Michael steels himself for the elimination, though he's got to know that he's safe this week. Kayne interviews that he wants to make the final three. I don't see it happening, frankly. The music wants us to think that one of these people is about to get stabbed in the shower. It changes to a peppier beat when Tim brings in Catherine Malandrino, a fashion designer who's acting as a guest judge. He also informs the designers that someone's getting eliminated pretty much right now. Dun dun duuuuuuun!

Commercials. Look, I like a lot of people on Project Runway. On the show. I really don't care how they spend their free time.

Laura interviews that it's pretty cruel to fly someone to Paris, eliminate them moments later, then send them back home. Yep. Tim explains that Catherine's score plus the original judging scores will determine the winner and loser. Catherine has a heavy accent, but manages to tell the designers that she's there to judge how well the outfit traveled. The camera pans the designers, and of course as it passes Angela, she gives another of her patented huge, fake grins. God, I hate those. The designers will walk from the back table to the front table and back again. Angela's linen wrinkled horribly. She claims she likes it better that way. Kayne's is fine. Vincent's is fine. Jeffrey's is fine. Laura's is fine. Michael's is fine. Uli's is fine. Wasn't that riveting? Tim collects the scorecards. Laura is in. Vincent is in. And now the winner, which Catherine will announce. She says it was a close race between Michael and Jeffrey. Ultimately, Jeffrey wins. I can't say he doesn't deserve it, but I'm not going to pretend to be happy that the little worm just scrounged up some validation for his shitty attitude. He is, of course, completely graceless about it in his interview. So Michael is naturally in. Uli is in. That leaves Kayne and Angela. For some reason, the bottom two admonitions fall to Catherine, who can barely pronounce the designers' names. She tells Kayne that he looks ridiculous, as if he were a fake pop star. Angela is coming from another world (boy, I'll say so), and doesn't represent a jetsetter. Angela. Is. Out.

Of course, with every other elimination so far on this show (except for Keith), Tim tells the person that he's sorry, that everyone will miss him/her, or that someone had to go. In this case, he just bluntly tells Angela to clean up her workspace and go. And with every other elimination so far on this show (including Keith), the eliminated designer got to have first crack at some closing comments. In this case, we immediately cut to fucking Jeffrey who fucking tells us how fucking happy he is that Angela just got flown halfway across the world and cut in five minutes. Listen, I'm not sorry that Angela is eliminated. She has arguably the worst taste of anyone in the history of this show (possibly excepting Lupe), pathetically hogged every iota of attention that she could, and rode people's coattails through multiple challenges. That said? Fucking grant the woman some decency and respect. I actively felt really sorry for her here, and when you make me want to stick up for someone who sewed granny-circle flowers on her ass, something's not right. In her final interview (Oh, she gets one? We don't just have to listen to other people slag her?), she says that she's really learned a lot, and that you can't let other people's opinion of you rattle you. Well, maybe you ought to take their criticisms of your rosettes to heart, sweetie.

Next week on Project Runway: A difficult challenge. Perhaps a party of some kind? I don't know; they really ought to give Catherine subtitles. Laura is beginning to look really pregnant. Kayne is beginning to look really eliminated. Jeffrey's a dick some more. I know. I'm just as tired of typing it as you are of reading it.

Overall Grade: C-