Top Chef - Season 12, Episode 1
For a show that's clearly past its prime, Top Chef should be commended for doing their damndest to keep things fresh. I can't even pretend to care what's happening on The Amazing Race these days, and that used to be appointment television. Top Chef treads well-worn territory, and some of the casting for Season 12 may as well be published as the Reality Show Archetype Checklist, but some changes are being attempted too. Some are more successful than others.
In the promising column: This season is located in Boston. I may hate their accents, but there's no denying that I'm very interested in the city's food culture. Starting with sixteen contestants that is almost immediately whittled down to fourteen is a lot more manageable than the seasons where they fling close to two dozen people at us. That immediate whittling is due to a new concept called the Sudden Death Quickfire. We'll get to the details in a moment, but on first glance, it struck me as a good way to keep the season moving along at a good clip and to keep the contestants on their toes. Judge feedback is a lot more direct and up-front. I'm a little wary of snark for snark's sake, but it's interesting to see judges criticize food as they eat it, right to the chef's face, rather than sitting on it like some giant secret until it pops out at Judges' Table. And speaking of Judges' Table, all the contestants are called in so that the top three and bottom three are discussed in front of everyone. That should make for some fascinating interpersonal dynamics.
In the not-so-promising column: As this show gets longer in the tooth, casting becomes more and more of a challenge. We'll get to some of the individual people in a moment, but as a group, they seem a bit milquetoast and recycled. A few of them have been brought to the show by their association with previous contestants, which is a bummer. There are plenty of talented chefs in the country; there's no need to be so incestuous. Though it's tough to judge the judges after a single episode, let's give it a whirl, anyway. Tom seems completely over the entire enterprise. His boredom is palpable. Previous contestant (and All-Stars winner) Richard Blais is present as a guest judge, possibly a permanent one. And while he may be an amazing chef, he falls flat in this role. That's about it for my initial complaints, and none of them are insurmountable.
So, shall we get to the details of this first episode from the cradle of American liberty? As always, it's tough to get much of a sense of the contestants, other than the handful that the editors wish to focus on. It'll take a while to figure out who's worth rooting for, and who's a secret asshole, and who can break out of the Reality Show Character Rut. For now, though, the rut is in full swing. Shall we call her "Joy" or "Nice, Relatable Lady Who's Out Of Her Depth"? (Laurine and Carrie say hi, by the way.) Is that "Aaron" or "Guy Who Correctly Assumes He's Not Talented Enough And Will Attempt To Get Attention By Being A Jerk"? (Ken and Eli send their regards.) We'll obviously learn more about these people as we go along, but for now, they're essentially all That One Guy, and That Type of Lady Who...
We begin the festivities with the aforementioned Sudden Death Quickfire. How it works is that the chef who performs the worst is up for immediate elimination. The only way to save himself/herself is to directly challenge another chef to an additional challenge. If the initial loser loses again, then they're out. If they win the subsequent challenge, then both chefs get to stay. It seems very well-designed, and I'm looking forward to seeing how these shake out. The first Quickfire is the always-popular mise-en-place relay race. I generally like this challenge, but feel like it's too early in the season for it. Since we have no sense of the contestants (and they have no sense of each other), the teams and placements are entirely arbitrary. So, that's a disappointment, but it's still a pretty fun challenge.
Since we're in Boston, we get thematically-appropriate ingredients. Someone has gone to the trouble of researching and concluding that it should take about equal amounts of time to break down each of the following: 3 lobsters, 20 oysters, 8 mackerel, and 21 clams. I'd like to see the raw data and footage of the testing that went into reaching these numbers. Not because I don't believe it - it just sounds like it'd be interesting to watch. There will be four teams of four (Green, Yellow, Red, Blue), and the person that takes the longest to finish on the team that completes all four tasks last will be the unfortunate soul up for elimination. So even if you suck, having three capable teammates will pull you through on this one. Ready? Go!
There's immediately some grumbling and pissing matches about who should take each ingredient on each team, but again, since we know nothing of these people's actual strengths and weaknesses yet, it's fairly pointless. All you need to know is that the Green team speeds through their tasks with razor-sharp focus, and everyone on the Red team is terrible. The Red team is last to finish, and the stopwatches show that George took the longest on his task (shucking the clams). He's asked to select which chef to go head-to-head against in the final challenge, and he picks fellow Red teammate Gregory, mostly because Gregory insisted on taking the mackerel, which he then took forever to break down. It sounds petty, but given that George doesn't know anything about anyone in the room, it's a decent enough choice. The final challenge is twenty minutes to prepare a dish with any of the four ingredients. George makes a pan-seared mackerel in a very Greek style, while Gregory goes for style points by making a chilled trio with the lobster, oyster, and mackerel. How he chills food in twenty minutes is beyond me, and it's never shown or remarked upon, I think. Neither one of the dishes blows Padma and Richard away, but Richard selects Gregory as the winner, which means that George will never even get to unpack his suitcase. Bye, George! I'll never forget the time we shared!
Elimination Challenge. The chefs will be manning booths at a Top Chef food festival, alongside previous contestants and some Big Name Chefs. Whew. There's been an unfortunate trend of front-loading the season with team challenges, and I'm glad to see that the chefs will be rising and falling on their own merits in the first big one. The chefs will be serving 250 diners, and are tasked with making an updated version of the very first dish they ever made. So, it'll be fifteen grilled cheese sandwiches or scrambled eggs? Because those are everyone's first dishes. So when you see congee and fried chicken and such later, know that all these people are liars.
The shopping and prep montage is mostly boring, except for giving Aaron another chance to be a tool by openly deriding Katie's choice to make a broccoli salad. Except here I am paying attention to him, so mission accomplished, I guess? That, and... Well, you know when someone makes a good point, but does it in such an assy way that you're reluctant to agree with them? That's where we are here, because although I'd cheerfully push Aaron into a vat of fish guts, he's right. Katie's salad looks overly simplistic, and kind of gross to boot. Katsuji is Mexican, Japanese, and Jewish, and he celebrates his jumbled heritage by throwing every ingredient ever grown or invented into his dish. Meanwhile, Michael tells us that he's totally going to win this competition because he's got "the personality, the look, and the style". I'll just go ahead and remind you that this is a cooking competition in case you've forgotten, because it seems that Michael has.
Service. Boston native Stacy is anxious about representing for the hometown, and is adorably giddy when she gets good feedback on her chicken dish and when she meets the mayor of Boston, who strolls through to shake hands and get some camera time. No judgment. If I were the mayor of my town, going to local food festivals would be number one on the agenda. That, and stemming crime or WHATEVER. Joy makes fried chicken skin with grits, and Js*afl8jfaeKlkhj. Whoops, sorry about that. I was choking on my own drool. And for yet more chicken, Doug (or Dougie, as he asks to be called) gets rave reviews for his chicken with pickled jalapenos and watermelon. As I mentioned before, the judges are lot more forthcoming with their critiques, telling the chefs right there at their booths that their dishes are too sour or contrived or whatever. Richard has the nerve to criticize a couple of them for annoying molecular gastronomy trends like bacon salt and olive oil snow. Physician, heal thyself.
Though there are dishes the judges like and dishes the judges dislike, they seem utterly befuddled by two: They're impressed by Gregory's Haitian stewed chicken with fried bananas and Scotch Bonnet chilis, and less impressed by Katsuji's everything-including-the-kitchen-sink-and-maybe-some-stuff-down-the-garbage-disposal-as-well dish of "Petroleum" Shrimp, with saffron couscous, chili aioli, and a "fondue" of squid ink. Just in case you ever wanted a puddle of gray sludge running down your plate. Aaron may have a lot of bluster, but bluster doesn't save him from Padma having to spit out the pork belly he serves her, which is conservatively 87% fat. I've never seen her look so pissed off, except maybe when Howie took away her power to eliminate. The judges also hate Michael's chilled corn soup with pickled cherries and Sriracha caviar. But don't worry, he knows why they didn't like it. It's because the judges have unsophisticated palates, and just don't understand the dish. Sure, that seems likely. In case my sarcastic tone didn't come across in that last sentence, just picture my eyes rolling out of my head and across the room while reading it.
Judges' Table. All of the contestants are brought in to witness their compatriots' triumph and defeat. In the top three are Dougie's excellent fried chicken, Gregory's confusing, but tasty Haitian chicken, and Mei, who I haven't really mentioned, but whose congee With carmelized pork, fish sauce caramel, and black garlic puree looked amazing. So amazing that she wins. That really does sound like a dish I'd inhale in a very ungentlemanly manner. Down at the bottom are Katie, with her poorly-conceived and poorly-executed broccoli salad, Katsuji's giant mess of a dish, and Michael's corn soup, which is likened to "fishy cereal". Bleh. Tom throws it over to Padma, and Michael is unsurprisingly axed. He humbly accepts his loss, and in his final interview, promises to learn from his mistakes and to work on expanding his understanding on how to appeal to a broad range of tastes. Nah, just joshing you. He spits out excuses as to why the judges are dumb dummies who don't understand his genius. OK, well, thanks for stopping by, Michael. See ya never.
Overall Grade: B
Showing posts with label E1. Show all posts
Showing posts with label E1. Show all posts
Monday, October 20, 2014
Thursday, October 03, 2013
Swamp People
Top Chef - Season 11, Episode 1
It's a real bummer that Top Chef didn't have a ninth or tenth season that I could write about - I guess they just vanished into the ether. Nah, I'm just funning you. I actually did watch Season 9, but sure am glad I didn't have the time to devote any internet ink to it. Texas was a pretty terrible season. Barbecue challenge after barbecue challenge after barbecue challenge! And what was that bullshit about making contestants do shit like snow-ski or whatever-the-fuck?
It was bad enough that I actually did wind up skipping Season 10. It's kind of a shame, because I've heard Seattle has an amazing food culture, and just by happenstance, I wound up eating at a contestant's restaurant for the first time ever. His name is Sheldon, and I know nothing about him other than he got pretty far in the competition, he has a restaurant in Hawaii (Star Noodle), and that restaurant is delightful. Highly recommended!
Which brings us to Season 11, which I'm approaching with cautious optimism. The prizes are mostly the same, except the jackpot is now $125,000. New Orleans is a good choice for setting - they love their food, and more importantly, they have a diverse population - thus, diverse cuisine. One thing I did NOT miss about Bravo shows is the incredible amount of bloat. And not just by having nineteen contestants, though that is far too many. No, now the game is gummed up by Last Chance Kitchen and Padma's Picks and some incredibly intrusive viewer's vote thing that takes up a third of the screen. "Which protein won't be coming near your dinner table? 35% of the losers who vote in these things said turtle! Tee-hee!" God, shut up. I won't be engaging with any of that. The good news is that Top Chef is still able to snag my interest by focusing on interesting food, and with any luck, interesting people. So let's brave the Louisiana bayou and dive into some good ol' Creole cuisine. It'll make you hungry, I guar-ON-tee! I'm sorry, I'm not proud of that. I promise I'll never do it again.
As I said, there are 19 contestants, and I'm afraid I don't have the three hours necessary to describe all of them. Hell, the show doesn't even bother to focus on more than a handful. So let's just hit the highlights. Sara's main characteristic is a rockabilly, Rosie-the-Riveter kind of style, which suits her nicely. Shirley is a motormouth, and seems pretty awesome. Nina's dad was Prime Minister of St. Lucia. Cool! Carrie is cute as a button and very nervous, which makes me think she's cannon fodder. Janine is Australian and wants to prove that hot blondes can be talented chefs, and aren't just eye candy. She goes on to prove this by wearing sandals and cutoff shorts for the first challenge. Shatter that glass ceiling, ma'am! I can feel my respect for your professionalism skyrocketing! The other designated hottie is Jason, who seems to have focused all of his time on developing a sick set of abs and a rockin' haircut, and forgot to develop a personality beyond the douchebag level. Oh, well. There are only so many hours in the day, right?
There is no Quickfire this week, so we spring straight into the Elimination Challenge. The chefs are randomly tossed beads that have one of three plastic animal figures on them. Those animals represent the proteins the chefs have to base their dishes around: Alligator, frog legs, or turtle. I've had the first two, which weren't bad. I'm reluctant to try turtle, because they're one of those animals that humans tend to bond with emotionally, and it feels kind of disloyal to eat them. Of course, pigs fit that role too, so I probably don't know what I'm talking about. Bring on the turtle soup! A lot of the chefs haven't tried any of these meats, either, which I found surprising. If I can eat alligator in the middle of the country, a New York chef should probably be able to get her hands on a plate of it, for cripes sake.
Boring shopping segment. Boring prep segment, except it's fun to see the first-challenge jitters. People cut themselves and fall down, and generally are just spazzing all over the place. Tom (I think I'll drop the Ptom moniker - I've mellowed on him a bit...FOR NOW) drops by to Timewaste - it's all very familiar and comforting. The chefs will be presenting their food at a party by the literal edge of the swamp. Guests will be wearing beads, and will present them to the chef who has their favorite dish. So, the three chefs with the most beads will automatically go to Winners' Circle, while the three with the least number of beads will be up for the chop. I rather like having this kind of challenge right out of the gate, because the base talent level is always so hard to judge after one dish. It's better to have the field narrowed by the Wisdom of Crowds for now.
There's a ridiculous segment where the chefs arrive at the swamp to discover that they have to set up the prep tables and burners themselves. Were we supposed to derive some suspense or drama out of watching people wrestle with extendable table legs? Thankfully, it's short, and the chefs do some final prep work before the guests arrive. You can tell a challenge is good when I wish I were attending the party the food is being served at. Although I could probably do without the swarms of mosquitos and punishing humidity, so never mind. Food is served, guests are charmed, and beads are presented. Back at the fret 'n sweat, a television screen pops up to show the chefs the judges' deliberations in real time, which is interesting. It takes out the contestant suspense about who will be top and bottom, but adds a layer of tension, since their merits and mistakes are being debated for the whole room to hear. Maybe it's just for this challenge, since the winners and losers are essentially already known, but if it lasts, it'll be an interesting development to follow.
Fun fact about the top three: Each of the three animal proteins is represented. Another fun fact about the top three: This may be the first time ever that the top three in the first challenge is composed entirely of women. Progress! And none of them are wearing hot pants! Isn't that nutty, Janine? Sara made a General Tso (or Tao) alligator, which despite being extremely spicy, appealed to both the guests and judges. Nina had curried turtle meatballs, which look so good, I can't even tell you. And Carrie, who I was so convinced would be a hot mess of nerves, proves me wrong and takes the third top spot with chilled frog legs with zucchini. Nina is the big winner, but doesn't get anything but the obligation to call in the bottom three.
I see (or hear, rather) that Odd Asian Music and Gong are still getting work in this tough economy, which is nice. The bottom three are people I haven't mentioned yet. Aaron attempted to make pasta. In the swamp. It didn't go well, shockingly. Patty at first attempted to make a roulade, which fell apart. She then just tears it apart and presents poorly-tenderized fried alligator. Ramon made a dashi, and in an effort to keep it cold, added a bunch of ice. Guess what happened to the flavors when the ice melted? Patty cries a bit in disappointment with herself (I so want to make a joke about crocodile tears, here), but she needn't worry. The judges realize that she and Aaron couldn't quite fix a bad situation, while Ramon doesn't understand how water works. Ramon gets punted to Last Chance Kitchen, and we go out on a season preview featuring a lot of jazz and bizarre facial hair. Here's hoping it's a good one, guys.
Overall Grade: B
It's a real bummer that Top Chef didn't have a ninth or tenth season that I could write about - I guess they just vanished into the ether. Nah, I'm just funning you. I actually did watch Season 9, but sure am glad I didn't have the time to devote any internet ink to it. Texas was a pretty terrible season. Barbecue challenge after barbecue challenge after barbecue challenge! And what was that bullshit about making contestants do shit like snow-ski or whatever-the-fuck?
It was bad enough that I actually did wind up skipping Season 10. It's kind of a shame, because I've heard Seattle has an amazing food culture, and just by happenstance, I wound up eating at a contestant's restaurant for the first time ever. His name is Sheldon, and I know nothing about him other than he got pretty far in the competition, he has a restaurant in Hawaii (Star Noodle), and that restaurant is delightful. Highly recommended!
Which brings us to Season 11, which I'm approaching with cautious optimism. The prizes are mostly the same, except the jackpot is now $125,000. New Orleans is a good choice for setting - they love their food, and more importantly, they have a diverse population - thus, diverse cuisine. One thing I did NOT miss about Bravo shows is the incredible amount of bloat. And not just by having nineteen contestants, though that is far too many. No, now the game is gummed up by Last Chance Kitchen and Padma's Picks and some incredibly intrusive viewer's vote thing that takes up a third of the screen. "Which protein won't be coming near your dinner table? 35% of the losers who vote in these things said turtle! Tee-hee!" God, shut up. I won't be engaging with any of that. The good news is that Top Chef is still able to snag my interest by focusing on interesting food, and with any luck, interesting people. So let's brave the Louisiana bayou and dive into some good ol' Creole cuisine. It'll make you hungry, I guar-ON-tee! I'm sorry, I'm not proud of that. I promise I'll never do it again.
As I said, there are 19 contestants, and I'm afraid I don't have the three hours necessary to describe all of them. Hell, the show doesn't even bother to focus on more than a handful. So let's just hit the highlights. Sara's main characteristic is a rockabilly, Rosie-the-Riveter kind of style, which suits her nicely. Shirley is a motormouth, and seems pretty awesome. Nina's dad was Prime Minister of St. Lucia. Cool! Carrie is cute as a button and very nervous, which makes me think she's cannon fodder. Janine is Australian and wants to prove that hot blondes can be talented chefs, and aren't just eye candy. She goes on to prove this by wearing sandals and cutoff shorts for the first challenge. Shatter that glass ceiling, ma'am! I can feel my respect for your professionalism skyrocketing! The other designated hottie is Jason, who seems to have focused all of his time on developing a sick set of abs and a rockin' haircut, and forgot to develop a personality beyond the douchebag level. Oh, well. There are only so many hours in the day, right?
There is no Quickfire this week, so we spring straight into the Elimination Challenge. The chefs are randomly tossed beads that have one of three plastic animal figures on them. Those animals represent the proteins the chefs have to base their dishes around: Alligator, frog legs, or turtle. I've had the first two, which weren't bad. I'm reluctant to try turtle, because they're one of those animals that humans tend to bond with emotionally, and it feels kind of disloyal to eat them. Of course, pigs fit that role too, so I probably don't know what I'm talking about. Bring on the turtle soup! A lot of the chefs haven't tried any of these meats, either, which I found surprising. If I can eat alligator in the middle of the country, a New York chef should probably be able to get her hands on a plate of it, for cripes sake.
Boring shopping segment. Boring prep segment, except it's fun to see the first-challenge jitters. People cut themselves and fall down, and generally are just spazzing all over the place. Tom (I think I'll drop the Ptom moniker - I've mellowed on him a bit...FOR NOW) drops by to Timewaste - it's all very familiar and comforting. The chefs will be presenting their food at a party by the literal edge of the swamp. Guests will be wearing beads, and will present them to the chef who has their favorite dish. So, the three chefs with the most beads will automatically go to Winners' Circle, while the three with the least number of beads will be up for the chop. I rather like having this kind of challenge right out of the gate, because the base talent level is always so hard to judge after one dish. It's better to have the field narrowed by the Wisdom of Crowds for now.
There's a ridiculous segment where the chefs arrive at the swamp to discover that they have to set up the prep tables and burners themselves. Were we supposed to derive some suspense or drama out of watching people wrestle with extendable table legs? Thankfully, it's short, and the chefs do some final prep work before the guests arrive. You can tell a challenge is good when I wish I were attending the party the food is being served at. Although I could probably do without the swarms of mosquitos and punishing humidity, so never mind. Food is served, guests are charmed, and beads are presented. Back at the fret 'n sweat, a television screen pops up to show the chefs the judges' deliberations in real time, which is interesting. It takes out the contestant suspense about who will be top and bottom, but adds a layer of tension, since their merits and mistakes are being debated for the whole room to hear. Maybe it's just for this challenge, since the winners and losers are essentially already known, but if it lasts, it'll be an interesting development to follow.
Fun fact about the top three: Each of the three animal proteins is represented. Another fun fact about the top three: This may be the first time ever that the top three in the first challenge is composed entirely of women. Progress! And none of them are wearing hot pants! Isn't that nutty, Janine? Sara made a General Tso (or Tao) alligator, which despite being extremely spicy, appealed to both the guests and judges. Nina had curried turtle meatballs, which look so good, I can't even tell you. And Carrie, who I was so convinced would be a hot mess of nerves, proves me wrong and takes the third top spot with chilled frog legs with zucchini. Nina is the big winner, but doesn't get anything but the obligation to call in the bottom three.
I see (or hear, rather) that Odd Asian Music and Gong are still getting work in this tough economy, which is nice. The bottom three are people I haven't mentioned yet. Aaron attempted to make pasta. In the swamp. It didn't go well, shockingly. Patty at first attempted to make a roulade, which fell apart. She then just tears it apart and presents poorly-tenderized fried alligator. Ramon made a dashi, and in an effort to keep it cold, added a bunch of ice. Guess what happened to the flavors when the ice melted? Patty cries a bit in disappointment with herself (I so want to make a joke about crocodile tears, here), but she needn't worry. The judges realize that she and Aaron couldn't quite fix a bad situation, while Ramon doesn't understand how water works. Ramon gets punted to Last Chance Kitchen, and we go out on a season preview featuring a lot of jazz and bizarre facial hair. Here's hoping it's a good one, guys.
Overall Grade: B
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Fairy Tale...Ending
Top Chef: Just Desserts: Season 2, Episode 1
Well, we're back for a new season of pastry, and at first glance, it appears the producers have learned a valuable lesson about casting. That is, that it perhaps isn't the wisest idea to recruit your contestant pool from the Cuckoo's Nest Ward over at the local asylum. The new group of fourteen chefs naturally has its fair share of obnoxious people you'd cheerfully push into a kiddie pool full of alpaca droppings, but at least everybody appears to have all their marbles. Oh, and Johnny has dropped a bunch of weight.
In the first Quickfire, the chefs are immediately thrown into pairs, the better to bring their personality disorders to the surface right away. The pairs are tasked with making a modern soda fountain treat. Orlando/Megan and Craig/Lina sink to the bottom, more for unoriginal ideas than for bad food, which is a promising sign as far as talent goes. The Carlos/Rebecca and Amanda/Nelson teams take the top two spots, with Amanda and Nelson winning the challenge and its attendant immunity.
For the Elimination Challenge, the chefs are thrown into teams yet again. Evil. This time, the teams are given famous fairy tales, and are told to create a showpiece and two plated desserts that represent each story. Nerves fray almost immediately. Restraining one's ego to work with other people with input and opinions is, like, so hard and stuff!
Matthew/Amanda/Carlos/Chris do great sugar work for "Little Red Riding Hood" and Rebecca/Sally/Orlando/Nelson make a lovely architectural showpiece for "Goldilocks and the Three Bears", so these two teams go to Winners' Circle, with the former team winning the challenge. Once they're done not getting anything for their win, Katzie/Craig/Megan and Melissa/Vanarin/Lina trudge out to Losers' Table. Huh, it's almost as if the teams with four people were able to get more and better work done with an extra pair of hands! Weird!
That's not to say that these two teams don't deserve to be at Losers' Table, because ugh. The showpiece that Katzie and Megan put together for "Jack and the Beanstalk" has a bunch of flaws and cracks, and Craig mostly just runs around being useless. Melissa/Vanarin/Lina have "Hansel and Gretel", which has a dessert inspiration WRITTEN INTO THE STORY that Lina chooses to ignore in favor of making a giant, ugly cake house, then lies about at Judges' Table. It doesn't work, she gets booted, and all is right with the world.
Overall Grade: B+
Well, we're back for a new season of pastry, and at first glance, it appears the producers have learned a valuable lesson about casting. That is, that it perhaps isn't the wisest idea to recruit your contestant pool from the Cuckoo's Nest Ward over at the local asylum. The new group of fourteen chefs naturally has its fair share of obnoxious people you'd cheerfully push into a kiddie pool full of alpaca droppings, but at least everybody appears to have all their marbles. Oh, and Johnny has dropped a bunch of weight.
In the first Quickfire, the chefs are immediately thrown into pairs, the better to bring their personality disorders to the surface right away. The pairs are tasked with making a modern soda fountain treat. Orlando/Megan and Craig/Lina sink to the bottom, more for unoriginal ideas than for bad food, which is a promising sign as far as talent goes. The Carlos/Rebecca and Amanda/Nelson teams take the top two spots, with Amanda and Nelson winning the challenge and its attendant immunity.
For the Elimination Challenge, the chefs are thrown into teams yet again. Evil. This time, the teams are given famous fairy tales, and are told to create a showpiece and two plated desserts that represent each story. Nerves fray almost immediately. Restraining one's ego to work with other people with input and opinions is, like, so hard and stuff!
Matthew/Amanda/Carlos/Chris do great sugar work for "Little Red Riding Hood" and Rebecca/Sally/Orlando/Nelson make a lovely architectural showpiece for "Goldilocks and the Three Bears", so these two teams go to Winners' Circle, with the former team winning the challenge. Once they're done not getting anything for their win, Katzie/Craig/Megan and Melissa/Vanarin/Lina trudge out to Losers' Table. Huh, it's almost as if the teams with four people were able to get more and better work done with an extra pair of hands! Weird!
That's not to say that these two teams don't deserve to be at Losers' Table, because ugh. The showpiece that Katzie and Megan put together for "Jack and the Beanstalk" has a bunch of flaws and cracks, and Craig mostly just runs around being useless. Melissa/Vanarin/Lina have "Hansel and Gretel", which has a dessert inspiration WRITTEN INTO THE STORY that Lina chooses to ignore in favor of making a giant, ugly cake house, then lies about at Judges' Table. It doesn't work, she gets booted, and all is right with the world.
Overall Grade: B+
Saturday, December 04, 2010
Baggage Handlers
Top Chef - Season 8, Episode 1
And...cue the crazy circus music. In an apparent quest to be on television year-round, a new season of Top Chef is already upon us. Ever heard of the phrase "Absence makes the heart grow fonder," Bravo? How can I miss you if you won't go away? Though I love Top Chef, I'm approaching this new season with a certain amount of trepidation, for a few reasons. As I mentioned, there's the fact that we've reached a point where there's barely a week of breathing room between seasons, and it's tough to work up excitement for something that's become so constant.
Secondly, Top Chef seems to have hit its peak, and has begun to coast. Naturally, that's just my opinion, and I'm more than willing to be proven wrong. And besides, it isn't the show's fault, necessarily. It happens to all reality shows. The format becomes stale. In an attempt to remain fresh, the challenges get stranger and less connected to anything that tests real-world skills. And each time around, the producers try to top the previous cast, so the contestants become even more zany/crazy/angry/stupid/delusional/whatever, and start to resemble a mental ward, rather than real people with real lives and real jobs. Chart The Amazing Race's contestants over time if you'd like to see this in action. Or hell, just look at Seth.
And finally, to admit another personal bias, I distrust All-Star seasons in general. Every one I've seen has been monumentally disappointing, and while there's always the chance you'll wind up mellowing on someone you used to hate, it's far more likely that you'll sour on someone you used to like. That's always sad.
All that said, it's still grand fun to go to the Top Chef viewing party, even with an annoying head cold that prevents the usual influx of wine. So, LabRat and I headed on over for a fun evening with friends, and I resolved to place the quality of the All-Star season low on my priority list. Imagine my surprise when this premiere episode not only didn't annoy me, but turned out to be immensely enjoyable. Who woulda thunk it? So, while I don't think I'll be able to give the episodes the full recap treatment, let's at least delve into the highlights. First things first, of course. We have to reacquaint ourselves with the returning chefs, and the impressions they last left us with:
Tiffani - Season 1: The aggressive villain of Season 1, I waffled back and forth on her, even at the time. There were times that I actively liked her. There were times that I actively hated her. There's no doubt she often grated on my nerves, but even with her often snide attitude, I always respected her talent. When Season 2 came along and wound up being nothing but jerks with snide attitudes, Tiffani climbed even higher in my estimation.
Stephen - Season 1: The passive-aggressive villain of Season 1, I didn't waffle nearly as much on him. He was a condescending jackass. So much so that he became the inspiration for the smarmerview. While he had strong talents in wine selection, service, and pissing people off, he's one of two chefs this season that I frankly don't believe deserve inclusion. His food was never anything to write home about.
Elia - Season 2: No better example of how someone can start off being a favorite and slide to someone you'd cheerfully elbow in the jaw can be found on reality television. She spots the next competitor on our list and "hopes he matured". Yeah. Because you were such a paragon of adulthood. Nice to see you've learned absolutely nothing in the time since your shitty season.
Marcel - Season 2: Now, here's where it gets tricky. Everyone hated Marcel. Everyone. All of the other contestants. Contestants from other seasons. The rest of the viewing party. And while I agreed with all of their complaints -- he's an asshole, he's self-satisfied, he has a stupid, hipster haircut -- I offer this small defense: There is no faster way to get me to defend someone than when the people attacking him are as bad or worse. Marcel was a total jerk. But he wasn't nearly as jerky as the goons, witches, and childish twats that tormented him. It remains to be seen if this defense can survive when Marcel is surrounded not by shit-starters and false accusations, but by actual talented chefs who conduct themselves like adults. Perhaps I'll join the haters club, after all.
Tre - Season 3: A talented competitor who managed to show confidence without being arrogant about it. He could certainly teach Kenny a lesson or two in how to comport oneself. Tre was eliminated earliest of all the All-Stars, falling victim to Restaurant Wars, which often cuts unexpected people for off-kilter reasons. I'm looking forward to seeing how he uses this second opportunity.
Dale L. - Season 3: An adorable guy who I really liked during his season, though he seemed to stumble into the finals. Once there, he made some standout dishes, but couldn't compete with Hung's technical skills. While others excelled at high-end cuisine, Dale knew how to elevate comfort food without losing the comfort.
Casey - Season 3: Here's a good example of people who need to be included in the All-Stars. Personable, talented chefs who quite simply shot themselves in the foot on one challenge. There are several of them sprinkled throughout the cast, and Casey was one of the best. We were convinced she was going to be the first female winner up until that fateful foot-shooting. Let's hope that even if her food hasn't changed, her ability to defend it has.
Richard - Season 4: Another foot-shooter. Richard dominated most of the season, winning challenge after challenge. His molecular gastronomy delighted judges and diners alike, but he choked in the finals, paving the way for Stephanie's win. He was a good egg the whole way, and I'm glad to see him back, though he looks like he's lost an alarming amount of weight.
Spike - Season 4: Welcome to the second of the two chefs who did not deserve to be asked back. What makes Spike an All-Star? The fact that he concentrated way more on game tactics than food? The fact that he appeared at Losers' Table in more than half of the episodes he competed in? The fact that he went out by mouthing off to the guest judge? Oh, it's probably that last one. He's total cannon fodder.
Antonia - Season 4: From the discussions I've had with other Top Chef fans, and from what I've read on the web, I seem to be the only one who's excited to have Antonia back. I loved her. I cheered madly when she won challenges, defended her against her detractors, and was thrown into a funk by her elimination. You've got at least one fan out here, girl! Go kick some ass!
Dale T. - Season 4: Even with Spike and Lisa around to serve as the jerkweeds of Season 4, this walking PSA about anger management managed to out-douche them both. Unpleasant even at the best of times, he was a gigantic tool from premiere to elimination. He didn't even deserve said elimination, but I rejoiced anyway, thrilled to be free of his terrible attitude and laughable belief in his own street cred.
Jamie - Season 5: The only member of Team Rainbow to survive for any appreciable amount of time, our viewing party likes to giggle about Jamie, both for her overconfidence (leading to inevitable disappointment) and for her dependence on scallops. We immediately devise a drinking game rule about taking a sip when she uses her little bivalve friends. Jamie didn't make a huge impression on me (either good or bad) her first time around, so in a sense, she's got the freshest start.
Fabio - Season 5: The Italian charmer was a big hit with all the ladies (and gentlemen who enjoy other gentlemen) at our viewing party, even if we could only understand every third word he said. He excelled at pasta, but I honestly don't remember much else about his food. He's really more memorable as a personality than a chef.
Carla - Season 5: Hootie! Definitely in the running as my favorite Top Chef contestant of all time. Kind, genuine, loveable, and talented, Carla is the only person on God's green Earth that I can hear "I put love into my food," from and believe it. She's another finale foot-shooter, and I dearly hope she puts on another strong showing.
Jenc - Season 6: Oof, I hadn't realized how distractingly alike she and Casey look. I enjoyed Jenc's ruthless efficiency, and had no problem with her status as one of Season 6's Golden Children. She was effortlessly competent towards the beginning of the season, but unfortunately, began to unravel with each passing challenge. Can she stay in it for the long haul this time?
Mike - Season 6: Clearly cast as the bad boy of his season, he stepped up to the plate by haranguing the well-intentioned old lady with cancer. Though there wasn't much to recommend him, attitude-wise, he did show an impressive range of cooking styles. Vegetarian food was not among them.
Angelo - Season 7: The serious chef who talked way too much about his heart and soul (as he does even now in his intro), he dominated a good portion of his season. Too bad it was the most boring season to date. He was felled by sickness in the finale, though it's unclear how much that factored into his loss.
Tiffany - Season 7: If some chefs are included because they shot themselves in the foot, Tiffany stands as an example of a chef who did nothing wrong, but lost on the details. She didn't stand out at the beginning of the season, but blossomed into a powerful competitor, and a highly entertaining one to boot. Would that she could have won, though any of the final five would have been better than Kevin.
All the chefs size each other up, and it's refreshing to hear so many of them say that they've got some stiff competition on their hands, rather than all of that "I'm gonna win every challenge!" bullshit we're usually treated to in the first episode. This season returns to the welcoming reality show bosom of New York City, and the chefs head to the Kitchen to meet Ptom and Padma and get started.
Quickfire Challenge. Padma explains that over the course of the season, $500,000 worth of cash and prizes will be handed out, with $200,000 of that going to the winner. First, there's the little niggling problem of having to beat seventeen other people. So, let's get to it. In the first Quickfire, the chefs will split into teams broken down by season, and they'll have to make a dish representative of the city in which the season was filmed. The entire winning team gets immunity, and Quickfire is even quicker than usual - only twenty-five minutes of prep. Ready? Go!
The Season 4 chefs have the most members, but after a lot of cross-talking, they settle on a Chicago-style hot dog. Angelo and Tiffany aim for Maryland-style crab spice and rockfish. The Season 5 folks decide to do a trio of apple dishes. Jamie is pleased with this idea, because she can focus on her own food, and the less she actually has to work with other people, the better. After all, as she says, she's a stronger chef than the other two. Yeah, so much stronger that they both pounded your ass into the ground during your actual season. She does realize that she's on tape, yes? The Season 3 chefs work on pork a la Miami. Lots of tropical fruit is involved. Elia and Marcel work on fish tacos with an apple wrapper to represent Los Angeles. Meh.
Stephen and Tiffani are making a cioppino (seafood stew) to represent San Francisco. I fucking love cioppino, but is it doable in under half an hour? Also, I should report that Stephen is wearing a suit and tie under his chef's coat. Jenc and Mike believe they can represent Las Vegas with Italian food. I guess Vegas can be represented by just about any food, but I wouldn't have picked Italian. With only a few minutes left, Angelo interviews that in the chaos, Stephen jostled him and caused him to drop all the rockfish on the floor. He hurriedly tries to get more cooked in time. Tre is having issues getting the pork done. Time runs out.
Ptom and Padma go down the line. Tiffani/Stephen have made a cioppino gazpacho with sourdough bread. Does that mean their cioppino is cold? I don't think I cotton to that. Elia/Marcel have shrimp "tacos" (which are really more like open-faced sandwiches) on guacamole in an apple wrapper. Tre/Dalel (Dale L)/Casey have done pork tenderloin on an avocado/lime puree, with tostones and mango/habanero sauce. Sounds good. Dalet (Dale T)/Richard/Spike/Antonia have made a deconstructed Chicago dog with pork and black pepper sausage, red bacon, and Richard's liquid-nitrogen-based mustard ice cream. Carla/Fabio/Jamie have their apple trio: Curried apple soup with gingered almonds, pasta with caramelized apple, and rib eye with apple slaw. Jenc/Mike have made bucatini with a bacon lobster carbonara. Well, I don't know how representative of Vegas it is, but it sure looks good. Tiffany/Angelo have managed to get some rockfish on the plate. It's surrounded by crab cake "essence" (which really just means they threw a shitton of Old Bay seasoning in), lemongrass, and jalapeno.
Results. Kicking off the bottom is Marcel/Elia, whose apple wrapper was too thin, and whose shrimp was bland. Next is Tiffani/Stephen, who had way too much raw garlic. Carla/Fabio/Jamie didn't have a cohesive dish, and only Jamie's soup was a real standout. Naturally, Jamie is pleased as punch to hear that. The stew that Tiffany/Angelo put out had a tiny bit too much salt. That leaves the other teams in the top. Tre/Dalel/Casey represented Miami well, and the pork had great flavors. Dalet/Richard/Spike/Antonia had an inventive plate. Jenc/Mike had outstanding pasta. The winning team with its precious immunity is... Dalet/Richard/Spike/Antonia. They exchange hugs and kisses while Mike sucks a lemon.
Elimination Challenge. The idea for this challenge is what really sealed this episode as a winner, so hats off to whoever came up with it. Servers enter, and place a cloche in front of each chef. They pull the lids off to reveal... Ingredients. But not just any ingredients! They are the ingredients to the dish that got each chef sent home. This evening's challenge will be to make the dish that caused an elimination, but to make it a success this time. The chefs are fortunately allowed a little creative interpretation, so they're not forced to remain true to every awful detail. They'll have three hours of prep now, and two hours on-site. The challenge's winner will not only have a warm feeling of correcting a past mistake, but they'll have $10,000 to go along with it. Oh, and Anthony Bourdain will be joining the Judges' Table regularly, so prepare yourselves for some acid. Either the criticism kind or the drug kind will do.
Prep time starts. A couple of chefs immediately set off on similar paths, which is to hide the worst thing about the original dish. Spike will mask his hideous frozen scallops with other ingredients, while Dalet will scale way back on that butterscotch, which he admits was a terrible idea in the first place. A couple of other chefs are not off to such promising starts, because they never saw anything wrong with their original creations. Fabio enjoyed his pasta with crawfish and crab stew, while Elia saw no issue with her red snapper steamed in ti leaves. She pledges to modify the dish as little as possible. Sure, why not cleave to the preparation that sent you packing? Sounds like a fine plan.
Stephen has a unique problem, in that he got kicked off for dicking around in the dining room instead of cooking, so he doesn't really have any experience with the three appetizer dishes he's tasked with making. Jamie got chopped for making Eric Ripert's black bass with braised celery that she hated then and hates now.
LabRat: "If I had been on this show, returning or not, I would have made it my mission to know the dish that sent me home backwards and forwards."
Angelo plugs away on his Singaporean noodles. Mike bemoans his ingredient limitations, because have I mentioned he's not great with vegetarian fare? Jenc vows not to overseason her dish. Carla took a lot of suggestions from Casey (who served as her finale sous chef) at the time, and while she doesn't lay any blame for her loss at Casey's feet, she's sticking to her own ideas this time around. The first chunk of prep time runs out.
Interstitial. Elia recounts the head-shaving incident. Sure, why wouldn't we want to relive the worst part of the worst season?
When the chefs arrive on-site to do their final two hours of prep, Ptom splits them into two groups of nine. The nine who aren't cooking will be eating in the dining room with the judges. Everyone is naturally jazzed to have the opportunity to size up each other's food. Group 2 tags out after Ptom, and Group 1 (Stephen, Elia, Richard, Dalet, Tiffany, Tiffani, Tre, Fabio, and Angelo) gets to cooking. Stephen seems way more pressed for time than the others, as he has to make a trio of dishes. Tiffani does her best to help him get plated in time, but it's a losing battle. Richard doesn't let petty little things like time limits get in his way, and continues plating his food well after the buzzer sounds. The other chefs are not pleased to witness this. The dishes go out to the dining room, and Gail says that this will be a trip down memory lane for better or for worse. "Hopefullyforbeeeetter," Padma singsongs. "I'm hoping better." Then she points to a plate. "I remember that dish!"
Viewing Party Tiffany: "She's already drunk."
There sure are a lot of Tiffanys (Tiffanies?) running around. What Group 2 doesn't realize is that a television has been brought into the kitchen, so Group 1 can witness what everyone is saying about their food. Elia chooses not to watch, because she can't bear to hear any criticism. She really hasn't changed a whit. The diners find a big ol' fish scale in her dish. Richard, Dalet, and Angelo get glowing reviews. Tre, Tiffany, and Tiffani's don't rank as highly, but they don't make out too badly. Stephen, on the other hand, did not do well. The diners find it swampy, muddled, and unappealing. Antonia offers some gentle criticism of Fabio's plate, but Bourdain isn't having any of that. "I hated the whole dish. I keep tasting it. I keep poking it. Just to make sure I actually hate it as much as I think I do. I really, really, really hate it." Ouch. Elia's doesn't fare much better. Dalel rips it to shreds, to the point that Antonia mutters to herself about how harsh he's being.
Time for the groups to switch places. Of course, these new diners know full well that they're being watched. Nothing noteworthy happens during Group 2's cooking prep. Group 1 gets seated in the dining room. Ptom sloshes his wine all over the table. Fabio tells Bourdain that the final tally of times he said he hated Fabio's food rounded out at eleven. Tiffani tries to cut the tension with a very apt comparison to an awkward Thanksgiving dinner, but Fabio isn't interested in making Bourdain comfortable. Time runs out in the kitchen, and the dishes are sent out. The television is brought in for Group 2, so now they know that Group 1 heard everything they said. Antonia braces herself for the onslaught of criticism.
The diners dig in. Antonia needn't have worried too much, because Richard and Tre love her sausage with cilantro, and roasted cherry blossoms with pea puree (DRINK!). Tiffany is not as big a fan. Spike's plan to hide the scallops doesn't fool anybody, but he pulled it off masterfully. Jamie and Mike skate by with good reviews, but Dalel's dumpling was not executed well. Carla did fine, though Angelo got a nasty bite of nerve ending in his steak. Gail heartily endorses Casey's pork belly, saying she really redeemed herself. Marcel's dish has uni (sea urchin) with a dot of caviar (or olive) on top, giving it the unfortunate effect of being a bowl of eyeballs staring up at you:
Tre hates the overpowering vanilla, and Fabio allows that it takes balls to put a dish like this out. Back in the kitchen, Marcel doesn't take this as anything but a grand compliment, which it may not have been. Jenc's duck is mildly disappointing. That's it for dinner, so it's time to find out who gets the dubious distinction of First One Out. The chefs trudge back to the fret 'n sweat, and begin the traditional process of dissecting everything about the challenge. Padma walks in, and summons Spike, Jamie, Richard, and Angelo to Judges' Table. The other chefs applaud mildly. Once the top four are out in the dining room, Ptom addresses Richard, saying that they want to acknowledge that he made a great dish, but his work after time ran out has disqualified him from the win. He was so focused on his work that he didn't even realize he had done it. What's done is done, though, and he's sent back to the Kitchen.
That leaves Spike, Jamie, and Angelo in the top three. Jamie's fish had a nice, crispy skin, and the celery turned out well. She admits that even with this triumph, she has absolutely no plans to serve this dish in future. Heh. Angelo made the wise decision to leave the watermelon tea off his plate this time. Spike successfully managed to hide the inferior flavor of his main component. The winner of the challenge, and the $10,000 is... Angelo. He's enormously pleased with his win, and unlike the last time he won the first challenge, realizes that he wasn't destined to get it, but had to beat out some stiff competition. He gets more mild applause back in the Kitchen. Dalet is displeased, because Richard's disqualification was "bullshit". Yeah, why bother with time limits? Let's just let people cook as long as they like. And hey, if there's something about the dish the judges don't like, why don't we let the chefs fix it and send out a second plate? And why declare a winner at all? Let's just watch these people pat each other on the back for three months.
Angelo delivers the bad news. The judges would like to see Fabio, Stephen, and Elia at Losers' Table. Odd Asian Music and Gong are back, though the gong is a lot more diminished than in seasons past. Once the chefs are lined up, the judges start with Stephen. He describes his unfamiliarity with the original platter, but the judges have a lot more technical issues with it than conceptual. The soup dumpling was monochromatic and had an unpleasant texture. The proportions of ingredients in all of the dishes were way off. Elia made absolutely no changes to the poor dish she put out way back when. Gail's portion of fish was almost raw, and Elia cops to not testing them.
Fabio points out that the issues the judges had were that his stew was too light (which is what he was going for), and the weirdness of the paper it was served in (which is a cosmetic issue, and has nothing to do with food). In fact, he calls out Bourdain directly, saying that while he has no issue with taking constructive criticism, he's not here to sit back and have people make fun of him. Ba-zing! That would have been awesome, even if he weren't entirely correct, which he is. The chefs are dismissed. On her way out, Elia tells the judges not to eliminate her, because she has a lot more to do. As long as it doesn't have to do with correcting her previous mistakes, listening to food criticism, or maturing in her attitude towards her competitors at all, I suppose.
Deliberations. Elia didn't make any of the necessary changes. Fabio's dish was indecisive. Not to my mind. Fabio's either. Stephen's proportions were wrong, and he had no method for improving a platter he had no hand in the first time around. The judges reach a decision.
Elimination. Rehashes of the same problems. Let's get right to the chop. Elia. Please pack your knives and go. Anything that wipes any remnant of Season 2 from our collective memory is fine by me. See ya! Well, I guess I should cover her final interview. She's upset, and says what everyone's thinking, which is that the first contestant eliminated wasted his/her time even participating. The other chefs offer hugs and applause, but Elia still walks away disappointed.
This season on Top Chef: You know the drill. Challenges. Cooking. "This isn't called Top Somethingorother!" Chaos. Paula fucking Deen (bleh). Muppets. A hospital visit. Fights. Angry Asian ladies. Jenc totally calls the judges on missing something. I'm telling you, if the chefs backtalk the judges every week, I'm automatically calling this the best season ever.
Overall Grade: B+
And...cue the crazy circus music. In an apparent quest to be on television year-round, a new season of Top Chef is already upon us. Ever heard of the phrase "Absence makes the heart grow fonder," Bravo? How can I miss you if you won't go away? Though I love Top Chef, I'm approaching this new season with a certain amount of trepidation, for a few reasons. As I mentioned, there's the fact that we've reached a point where there's barely a week of breathing room between seasons, and it's tough to work up excitement for something that's become so constant.
Secondly, Top Chef seems to have hit its peak, and has begun to coast. Naturally, that's just my opinion, and I'm more than willing to be proven wrong. And besides, it isn't the show's fault, necessarily. It happens to all reality shows. The format becomes stale. In an attempt to remain fresh, the challenges get stranger and less connected to anything that tests real-world skills. And each time around, the producers try to top the previous cast, so the contestants become even more zany/crazy/angry/stupid/delusional/whatever, and start to resemble a mental ward, rather than real people with real lives and real jobs. Chart The Amazing Race's contestants over time if you'd like to see this in action. Or hell, just look at Seth.
And finally, to admit another personal bias, I distrust All-Star seasons in general. Every one I've seen has been monumentally disappointing, and while there's always the chance you'll wind up mellowing on someone you used to hate, it's far more likely that you'll sour on someone you used to like. That's always sad.
All that said, it's still grand fun to go to the Top Chef viewing party, even with an annoying head cold that prevents the usual influx of wine. So, LabRat and I headed on over for a fun evening with friends, and I resolved to place the quality of the All-Star season low on my priority list. Imagine my surprise when this premiere episode not only didn't annoy me, but turned out to be immensely enjoyable. Who woulda thunk it? So, while I don't think I'll be able to give the episodes the full recap treatment, let's at least delve into the highlights. First things first, of course. We have to reacquaint ourselves with the returning chefs, and the impressions they last left us with:
Tiffani - Season 1: The aggressive villain of Season 1, I waffled back and forth on her, even at the time. There were times that I actively liked her. There were times that I actively hated her. There's no doubt she often grated on my nerves, but even with her often snide attitude, I always respected her talent. When Season 2 came along and wound up being nothing but jerks with snide attitudes, Tiffani climbed even higher in my estimation.
Stephen - Season 1: The passive-aggressive villain of Season 1, I didn't waffle nearly as much on him. He was a condescending jackass. So much so that he became the inspiration for the smarmerview. While he had strong talents in wine selection, service, and pissing people off, he's one of two chefs this season that I frankly don't believe deserve inclusion. His food was never anything to write home about.
Elia - Season 2: No better example of how someone can start off being a favorite and slide to someone you'd cheerfully elbow in the jaw can be found on reality television. She spots the next competitor on our list and "hopes he matured". Yeah. Because you were such a paragon of adulthood. Nice to see you've learned absolutely nothing in the time since your shitty season.
Marcel - Season 2: Now, here's where it gets tricky. Everyone hated Marcel. Everyone. All of the other contestants. Contestants from other seasons. The rest of the viewing party. And while I agreed with all of their complaints -- he's an asshole, he's self-satisfied, he has a stupid, hipster haircut -- I offer this small defense: There is no faster way to get me to defend someone than when the people attacking him are as bad or worse. Marcel was a total jerk. But he wasn't nearly as jerky as the goons, witches, and childish twats that tormented him. It remains to be seen if this defense can survive when Marcel is surrounded not by shit-starters and false accusations, but by actual talented chefs who conduct themselves like adults. Perhaps I'll join the haters club, after all.
Tre - Season 3: A talented competitor who managed to show confidence without being arrogant about it. He could certainly teach Kenny a lesson or two in how to comport oneself. Tre was eliminated earliest of all the All-Stars, falling victim to Restaurant Wars, which often cuts unexpected people for off-kilter reasons. I'm looking forward to seeing how he uses this second opportunity.
Dale L. - Season 3: An adorable guy who I really liked during his season, though he seemed to stumble into the finals. Once there, he made some standout dishes, but couldn't compete with Hung's technical skills. While others excelled at high-end cuisine, Dale knew how to elevate comfort food without losing the comfort.
Casey - Season 3: Here's a good example of people who need to be included in the All-Stars. Personable, talented chefs who quite simply shot themselves in the foot on one challenge. There are several of them sprinkled throughout the cast, and Casey was one of the best. We were convinced she was going to be the first female winner up until that fateful foot-shooting. Let's hope that even if her food hasn't changed, her ability to defend it has.
Richard - Season 4: Another foot-shooter. Richard dominated most of the season, winning challenge after challenge. His molecular gastronomy delighted judges and diners alike, but he choked in the finals, paving the way for Stephanie's win. He was a good egg the whole way, and I'm glad to see him back, though he looks like he's lost an alarming amount of weight.
Spike - Season 4: Welcome to the second of the two chefs who did not deserve to be asked back. What makes Spike an All-Star? The fact that he concentrated way more on game tactics than food? The fact that he appeared at Losers' Table in more than half of the episodes he competed in? The fact that he went out by mouthing off to the guest judge? Oh, it's probably that last one. He's total cannon fodder.
Antonia - Season 4: From the discussions I've had with other Top Chef fans, and from what I've read on the web, I seem to be the only one who's excited to have Antonia back. I loved her. I cheered madly when she won challenges, defended her against her detractors, and was thrown into a funk by her elimination. You've got at least one fan out here, girl! Go kick some ass!
Dale T. - Season 4: Even with Spike and Lisa around to serve as the jerkweeds of Season 4, this walking PSA about anger management managed to out-douche them both. Unpleasant even at the best of times, he was a gigantic tool from premiere to elimination. He didn't even deserve said elimination, but I rejoiced anyway, thrilled to be free of his terrible attitude and laughable belief in his own street cred.
Jamie - Season 5: The only member of Team Rainbow to survive for any appreciable amount of time, our viewing party likes to giggle about Jamie, both for her overconfidence (leading to inevitable disappointment) and for her dependence on scallops. We immediately devise a drinking game rule about taking a sip when she uses her little bivalve friends. Jamie didn't make a huge impression on me (either good or bad) her first time around, so in a sense, she's got the freshest start.
Fabio - Season 5: The Italian charmer was a big hit with all the ladies (and gentlemen who enjoy other gentlemen) at our viewing party, even if we could only understand every third word he said. He excelled at pasta, but I honestly don't remember much else about his food. He's really more memorable as a personality than a chef.
Carla - Season 5: Hootie! Definitely in the running as my favorite Top Chef contestant of all time. Kind, genuine, loveable, and talented, Carla is the only person on God's green Earth that I can hear "I put love into my food," from and believe it. She's another finale foot-shooter, and I dearly hope she puts on another strong showing.
Jenc - Season 6: Oof, I hadn't realized how distractingly alike she and Casey look. I enjoyed Jenc's ruthless efficiency, and had no problem with her status as one of Season 6's Golden Children. She was effortlessly competent towards the beginning of the season, but unfortunately, began to unravel with each passing challenge. Can she stay in it for the long haul this time?
Mike - Season 6: Clearly cast as the bad boy of his season, he stepped up to the plate by haranguing the well-intentioned old lady with cancer. Though there wasn't much to recommend him, attitude-wise, he did show an impressive range of cooking styles. Vegetarian food was not among them.
Angelo - Season 7: The serious chef who talked way too much about his heart and soul (as he does even now in his intro), he dominated a good portion of his season. Too bad it was the most boring season to date. He was felled by sickness in the finale, though it's unclear how much that factored into his loss.
Tiffany - Season 7: If some chefs are included because they shot themselves in the foot, Tiffany stands as an example of a chef who did nothing wrong, but lost on the details. She didn't stand out at the beginning of the season, but blossomed into a powerful competitor, and a highly entertaining one to boot. Would that she could have won, though any of the final five would have been better than Kevin.
All the chefs size each other up, and it's refreshing to hear so many of them say that they've got some stiff competition on their hands, rather than all of that "I'm gonna win every challenge!" bullshit we're usually treated to in the first episode. This season returns to the welcoming reality show bosom of New York City, and the chefs head to the Kitchen to meet Ptom and Padma and get started.
Quickfire Challenge. Padma explains that over the course of the season, $500,000 worth of cash and prizes will be handed out, with $200,000 of that going to the winner. First, there's the little niggling problem of having to beat seventeen other people. So, let's get to it. In the first Quickfire, the chefs will split into teams broken down by season, and they'll have to make a dish representative of the city in which the season was filmed. The entire winning team gets immunity, and Quickfire is even quicker than usual - only twenty-five minutes of prep. Ready? Go!
The Season 4 chefs have the most members, but after a lot of cross-talking, they settle on a Chicago-style hot dog. Angelo and Tiffany aim for Maryland-style crab spice and rockfish. The Season 5 folks decide to do a trio of apple dishes. Jamie is pleased with this idea, because she can focus on her own food, and the less she actually has to work with other people, the better. After all, as she says, she's a stronger chef than the other two. Yeah, so much stronger that they both pounded your ass into the ground during your actual season. She does realize that she's on tape, yes? The Season 3 chefs work on pork a la Miami. Lots of tropical fruit is involved. Elia and Marcel work on fish tacos with an apple wrapper to represent Los Angeles. Meh.
Stephen and Tiffani are making a cioppino (seafood stew) to represent San Francisco. I fucking love cioppino, but is it doable in under half an hour? Also, I should report that Stephen is wearing a suit and tie under his chef's coat. Jenc and Mike believe they can represent Las Vegas with Italian food. I guess Vegas can be represented by just about any food, but I wouldn't have picked Italian. With only a few minutes left, Angelo interviews that in the chaos, Stephen jostled him and caused him to drop all the rockfish on the floor. He hurriedly tries to get more cooked in time. Tre is having issues getting the pork done. Time runs out.
Ptom and Padma go down the line. Tiffani/Stephen have made a cioppino gazpacho with sourdough bread. Does that mean their cioppino is cold? I don't think I cotton to that. Elia/Marcel have shrimp "tacos" (which are really more like open-faced sandwiches) on guacamole in an apple wrapper. Tre/Dalel (Dale L)/Casey have done pork tenderloin on an avocado/lime puree, with tostones and mango/habanero sauce. Sounds good. Dalet (Dale T)/Richard/Spike/Antonia have made a deconstructed Chicago dog with pork and black pepper sausage, red bacon, and Richard's liquid-nitrogen-based mustard ice cream. Carla/Fabio/Jamie have their apple trio: Curried apple soup with gingered almonds, pasta with caramelized apple, and rib eye with apple slaw. Jenc/Mike have made bucatini with a bacon lobster carbonara. Well, I don't know how representative of Vegas it is, but it sure looks good. Tiffany/Angelo have managed to get some rockfish on the plate. It's surrounded by crab cake "essence" (which really just means they threw a shitton of Old Bay seasoning in), lemongrass, and jalapeno.
Results. Kicking off the bottom is Marcel/Elia, whose apple wrapper was too thin, and whose shrimp was bland. Next is Tiffani/Stephen, who had way too much raw garlic. Carla/Fabio/Jamie didn't have a cohesive dish, and only Jamie's soup was a real standout. Naturally, Jamie is pleased as punch to hear that. The stew that Tiffany/Angelo put out had a tiny bit too much salt. That leaves the other teams in the top. Tre/Dalel/Casey represented Miami well, and the pork had great flavors. Dalet/Richard/Spike/Antonia had an inventive plate. Jenc/Mike had outstanding pasta. The winning team with its precious immunity is... Dalet/Richard/Spike/Antonia. They exchange hugs and kisses while Mike sucks a lemon.
Elimination Challenge. The idea for this challenge is what really sealed this episode as a winner, so hats off to whoever came up with it. Servers enter, and place a cloche in front of each chef. They pull the lids off to reveal... Ingredients. But not just any ingredients! They are the ingredients to the dish that got each chef sent home. This evening's challenge will be to make the dish that caused an elimination, but to make it a success this time. The chefs are fortunately allowed a little creative interpretation, so they're not forced to remain true to every awful detail. They'll have three hours of prep now, and two hours on-site. The challenge's winner will not only have a warm feeling of correcting a past mistake, but they'll have $10,000 to go along with it. Oh, and Anthony Bourdain will be joining the Judges' Table regularly, so prepare yourselves for some acid. Either the criticism kind or the drug kind will do.
Prep time starts. A couple of chefs immediately set off on similar paths, which is to hide the worst thing about the original dish. Spike will mask his hideous frozen scallops with other ingredients, while Dalet will scale way back on that butterscotch, which he admits was a terrible idea in the first place. A couple of other chefs are not off to such promising starts, because they never saw anything wrong with their original creations. Fabio enjoyed his pasta with crawfish and crab stew, while Elia saw no issue with her red snapper steamed in ti leaves. She pledges to modify the dish as little as possible. Sure, why not cleave to the preparation that sent you packing? Sounds like a fine plan.
Stephen has a unique problem, in that he got kicked off for dicking around in the dining room instead of cooking, so he doesn't really have any experience with the three appetizer dishes he's tasked with making. Jamie got chopped for making Eric Ripert's black bass with braised celery that she hated then and hates now.
LabRat: "If I had been on this show, returning or not, I would have made it my mission to know the dish that sent me home backwards and forwards."
Angelo plugs away on his Singaporean noodles. Mike bemoans his ingredient limitations, because have I mentioned he's not great with vegetarian fare? Jenc vows not to overseason her dish. Carla took a lot of suggestions from Casey (who served as her finale sous chef) at the time, and while she doesn't lay any blame for her loss at Casey's feet, she's sticking to her own ideas this time around. The first chunk of prep time runs out.
Interstitial. Elia recounts the head-shaving incident. Sure, why wouldn't we want to relive the worst part of the worst season?
When the chefs arrive on-site to do their final two hours of prep, Ptom splits them into two groups of nine. The nine who aren't cooking will be eating in the dining room with the judges. Everyone is naturally jazzed to have the opportunity to size up each other's food. Group 2 tags out after Ptom, and Group 1 (Stephen, Elia, Richard, Dalet, Tiffany, Tiffani, Tre, Fabio, and Angelo) gets to cooking. Stephen seems way more pressed for time than the others, as he has to make a trio of dishes. Tiffani does her best to help him get plated in time, but it's a losing battle. Richard doesn't let petty little things like time limits get in his way, and continues plating his food well after the buzzer sounds. The other chefs are not pleased to witness this. The dishes go out to the dining room, and Gail says that this will be a trip down memory lane for better or for worse. "Hopefullyforbeeeetter," Padma singsongs. "I'm hoping better." Then she points to a plate. "I remember that dish!"
Viewing Party Tiffany: "She's already drunk."
There sure are a lot of Tiffanys (Tiffanies?) running around. What Group 2 doesn't realize is that a television has been brought into the kitchen, so Group 1 can witness what everyone is saying about their food. Elia chooses not to watch, because she can't bear to hear any criticism. She really hasn't changed a whit. The diners find a big ol' fish scale in her dish. Richard, Dalet, and Angelo get glowing reviews. Tre, Tiffany, and Tiffani's don't rank as highly, but they don't make out too badly. Stephen, on the other hand, did not do well. The diners find it swampy, muddled, and unappealing. Antonia offers some gentle criticism of Fabio's plate, but Bourdain isn't having any of that. "I hated the whole dish. I keep tasting it. I keep poking it. Just to make sure I actually hate it as much as I think I do. I really, really, really hate it." Ouch. Elia's doesn't fare much better. Dalel rips it to shreds, to the point that Antonia mutters to herself about how harsh he's being.
Time for the groups to switch places. Of course, these new diners know full well that they're being watched. Nothing noteworthy happens during Group 2's cooking prep. Group 1 gets seated in the dining room. Ptom sloshes his wine all over the table. Fabio tells Bourdain that the final tally of times he said he hated Fabio's food rounded out at eleven. Tiffani tries to cut the tension with a very apt comparison to an awkward Thanksgiving dinner, but Fabio isn't interested in making Bourdain comfortable. Time runs out in the kitchen, and the dishes are sent out. The television is brought in for Group 2, so now they know that Group 1 heard everything they said. Antonia braces herself for the onslaught of criticism.
The diners dig in. Antonia needn't have worried too much, because Richard and Tre love her sausage with cilantro, and roasted cherry blossoms with pea puree (DRINK!). Tiffany is not as big a fan. Spike's plan to hide the scallops doesn't fool anybody, but he pulled it off masterfully. Jamie and Mike skate by with good reviews, but Dalel's dumpling was not executed well. Carla did fine, though Angelo got a nasty bite of nerve ending in his steak. Gail heartily endorses Casey's pork belly, saying she really redeemed herself. Marcel's dish has uni (sea urchin) with a dot of caviar (or olive) on top, giving it the unfortunate effect of being a bowl of eyeballs staring up at you:
Tre hates the overpowering vanilla, and Fabio allows that it takes balls to put a dish like this out. Back in the kitchen, Marcel doesn't take this as anything but a grand compliment, which it may not have been. Jenc's duck is mildly disappointing. That's it for dinner, so it's time to find out who gets the dubious distinction of First One Out. The chefs trudge back to the fret 'n sweat, and begin the traditional process of dissecting everything about the challenge. Padma walks in, and summons Spike, Jamie, Richard, and Angelo to Judges' Table. The other chefs applaud mildly. Once the top four are out in the dining room, Ptom addresses Richard, saying that they want to acknowledge that he made a great dish, but his work after time ran out has disqualified him from the win. He was so focused on his work that he didn't even realize he had done it. What's done is done, though, and he's sent back to the Kitchen.
That leaves Spike, Jamie, and Angelo in the top three. Jamie's fish had a nice, crispy skin, and the celery turned out well. She admits that even with this triumph, she has absolutely no plans to serve this dish in future. Heh. Angelo made the wise decision to leave the watermelon tea off his plate this time. Spike successfully managed to hide the inferior flavor of his main component. The winner of the challenge, and the $10,000 is... Angelo. He's enormously pleased with his win, and unlike the last time he won the first challenge, realizes that he wasn't destined to get it, but had to beat out some stiff competition. He gets more mild applause back in the Kitchen. Dalet is displeased, because Richard's disqualification was "bullshit". Yeah, why bother with time limits? Let's just let people cook as long as they like. And hey, if there's something about the dish the judges don't like, why don't we let the chefs fix it and send out a second plate? And why declare a winner at all? Let's just watch these people pat each other on the back for three months.
Angelo delivers the bad news. The judges would like to see Fabio, Stephen, and Elia at Losers' Table. Odd Asian Music and Gong are back, though the gong is a lot more diminished than in seasons past. Once the chefs are lined up, the judges start with Stephen. He describes his unfamiliarity with the original platter, but the judges have a lot more technical issues with it than conceptual. The soup dumpling was monochromatic and had an unpleasant texture. The proportions of ingredients in all of the dishes were way off. Elia made absolutely no changes to the poor dish she put out way back when. Gail's portion of fish was almost raw, and Elia cops to not testing them.
Fabio points out that the issues the judges had were that his stew was too light (which is what he was going for), and the weirdness of the paper it was served in (which is a cosmetic issue, and has nothing to do with food). In fact, he calls out Bourdain directly, saying that while he has no issue with taking constructive criticism, he's not here to sit back and have people make fun of him. Ba-zing! That would have been awesome, even if he weren't entirely correct, which he is. The chefs are dismissed. On her way out, Elia tells the judges not to eliminate her, because she has a lot more to do. As long as it doesn't have to do with correcting her previous mistakes, listening to food criticism, or maturing in her attitude towards her competitors at all, I suppose.
Deliberations. Elia didn't make any of the necessary changes. Fabio's dish was indecisive. Not to my mind. Fabio's either. Stephen's proportions were wrong, and he had no method for improving a platter he had no hand in the first time around. The judges reach a decision.
Elimination. Rehashes of the same problems. Let's get right to the chop. Elia. Please pack your knives and go. Anything that wipes any remnant of Season 2 from our collective memory is fine by me. See ya! Well, I guess I should cover her final interview. She's upset, and says what everyone's thinking, which is that the first contestant eliminated wasted his/her time even participating. The other chefs offer hugs and applause, but Elia still walks away disappointed.
This season on Top Chef: You know the drill. Challenges. Cooking. "This isn't called Top Somethingorother!" Chaos. Paula fucking Deen (bleh). Muppets. A hospital visit. Fights. Angry Asian ladies. Jenc totally calls the judges on missing something. I'm telling you, if the chefs backtalk the judges every week, I'm automatically calling this the best season ever.
Overall Grade: B+
Monday, September 20, 2010
Death by Chocolate
Top Chef: Just Desserts - Season 1, Episode 1
Previously on Just Desserts: A bunch of Top Chef contestants who couldn't make a panna cotta if the recipe was tattooed on their junk. Wouldn't it be nice if there were chefs who could turn out a batch of cookies without burning down the building? The Top Chef producers certainly thought so, and have given us this spinoff, in which twelve pastry chefs will compete to see who can induce the most cavities. I feel like I may have a more discerning eye when it comes to these dishes than in the original Top Chef, not only because I like to do a lot of experimental baking, but because I live with the biggest sweet tooth in the world. Thanks to LabRat, more desserts come and go through this apartment than through Willy Wonka's factory. Ready to go? Grab a bowl of Reese's Pieces, and let's hit it!
Gail Simmons welcomes us to the competition. We have to wait approximately two seconds before the first hilarious comment spews forth from one of the contestants, who says that it's about time for pastry chefs to "come forward", as if they're forced to lurk in shadow, and don't have a four hour chunk of time devoted to worshipping them nightly on Food Network. Big, pissy catfights are previewed. Unlike baseball, there is crying in pastry preparation. Joining Gail on the judging panel will be head judge Johnny Iuzzini, Hubert Keller, and someone we've never seen on the panel before, a magazine editor named Dannielle Kyrillos (who unfortunately is introduced by telling someone that there's a party going on in her mouth). The prizes should sound familiar to you: A feature in Food & Wine magazine, a showcase at a food show, a car, and $100,000.
Opening menu. Part of the reason that I didn't contribute much to the Top Chef Season 7 finale is because I was gearing up for this. A dessert premiere plus a birthday potluck at work induced me to make a triple batch of good, old-fashioned chocolate chip cookies. LabRat enjoyed the cookies, but not the news that my stirring arm was exhausted.
The opening credits are oddly bright and neon, bringing a cruise down the Las Vegas strip to mind much more than any dessert. After that little seizure-inducing intro, we catch up with contestants arriving at the City airport. Why don't I identify the city for you? Would that I could. They never tell us, which is supremely weird. Let's meet the crew wandering out into the bright sunshine of Undisclosed Location. Seth Caro is from New York City. He tells us people think he looks like Mark Wahlberg. Yeah, if Mark Wahlberg got Lisa Rinna's lips grafted onto his face. Tania Peterson is a Jewish atheist artist. Let's hope she doesn't confine herself to baking for events that only fit that mold. She seems cool, but I long to fix her hair. Bangs aren't for everyone. A double decker bus swings by to pick them up, along with Erika Davis and Heather Hurlbert, who have just shown up. Heather is a graduate of the Culinary Institute of America, and has won pastry awards. That's awards for pastry, not awards of pastry, although that would be awesome.
At the next gate, the bus picks up Zac Young, Eric Wolitzky, and Malika Ameen. Then, it's off to the bus station to pick up Tim Nugent who talks up his ice creams and gelatos. Gelatoes? Whatever its plural, I'm craving a big ol' scoop of it right now. Stupid ninety degree day in late September. Tim kids that he's been referred to as the Snow Queen.
LabRat: "Because of all the coke I did ten years ago."
In short order, we get another Heather (Heather Chittum), Yigit Pura, and Morgan Wilson. His order of priorities is: job, kid, climbing fake rock walls, and his girlfriend. I hope she's cool with being at the end of that list. He opines that pastry chefs can easily do a savory chef's job, but the converse situation leads to mediocre food at best. Let's test that theory, shall we? Once everyone's settled on the bus, they're joined by Gail and Johnny, who hope the chefs can pull out some artistry and inventiveness. The chefs nod mutely. Gail wastes no time in getting right to the point.
Ugly neon brings us to the first Quickfire Challenge. The chefs will be making their signature desserts. That's fairly straightforward. They'll have a $50 budget, and an hour and a half to get their desserts ready. The winner will score immunity. During the shopping segment, we get a bit more biographical info. Yigit tells us that being a pastry chef involves "preciseness". And communicating in English involves knowing the word "precision". Eric admits that he works in a bakery, but still considers himself a pastry chef. Hey, don't split hairs on my account. A good cinnamon roll makes me just as happy as any truffle could. Erika reminds us that baking requires exact measurements, and in a competition where there are no recipes allowed, that can be nearly impossible. Yeah, but there are basic ratios that bakers use. I'm not saying it won't be challenging; it looks terrifyingly difficult. Just that it's not like the chefs have to remember the exact amount of baking powder that goes into each preparation. Malika overshares that she and her husband are getting a divorce.
Back in the Kitchen, the chefs ooh and aah over all the equipment provided for them, before springing into their prep time. Tania overshares that she and her husband have been trying to get her pregnant for three years. Listen, folks. I wish you all luck in this competition. Truly. But feel free to leave me out of the inner workings of your personal lives. I promise, the very second that your crumbling marriage or your faulty uterus becomes my business, I'll let you know. Zac tells us that Seth is "literally running laps around the Kitchen", and unlike 99% of previous reality show competitors, he actually uses literally correctly. Gold star for him.
About fifteen minutes into the preparations, Gail and Johnny stride in and ask the chefs to stop what they're doing. Twist ahead! The chefs must now take the signature dishes they're working on, and translate them into cupcakes. Naturally, the news hits some people harder than others, because it's a lot easier to turn a regular cake into a cupcake that it is to transform, say, pudding. Once the chefs are turned loose again, the word "fuck" is liberally contributed to the conversation. Morgan says that everyone just crapped their pants. Well, don't serve that. Malika intends to turn meringue into the actual holder to put filling into. I've heard worse ideas. Tim attempts to freeze his semifreddo. Seth hopes his basil, which is his primary ingredient, will adapt well to the new preparation. Time winds down, and cupcakes start hitting the plates. Malika discovers that the oven her meringues were in has had the temperature turned up. I brace myself for a big hissyfit, but if anything, Malika underreacts. It's far too late to do anything about her browned meringues, but it turns out not to matter, as she's caught by the buzzer without having time to fill them.
Gail and Johnny go down the line. Tania has made a chocolate cupcake filled with chicory mousse, with mesquite flour and a creme fraiche caramel. Yes, please. Heatherc (that's Heather C.) has made a carrot cupcake with creme fraiche cream cheese icing, and fried carrots on top. Spew. In news unrelated to that monstrosity, she's got some sort of Band-aid or patch on her forehead that juts down onto the bridge of her nose. Zac has turned a deconstructed lemon meringue into a vanilla bean cupcake, with lemon curd and a blood orange marshmallow. Danielle has a chocolate cupcake with a mint chip filling and a toasted meringue. Did people just not have time to make proper icings or are meringues really this overused? Eric has a devil's food cupcake with a coffee buttermilk icing. Tim has attempted to make a frozen pistachio semifreddo. Johnny allows that it's very tasty, even as it completely fails as a cupcake. Seth has a steamed Malaysian coconut cake, with a basil buttercream and candied pine nuts. I would not enjoy that at all, but have to admit that it's far and away the most creative thing I've seen so far. Morgan's got a dark chocolate souffle cake, with a tangerine slice and caramel buttercream. Malika's got nothing.
Results. Malika understandably kicks off the bottom three, and is unsurprisingly joined by Tim. Zac is the only person in the bottom three who actually made a cupcake, which he notes enthusiastically. Johnny describes Zac's marshmallow texture as "horrible". Ouch. Now, to the good news. Seth's cupcake was herbaceous and well-adapted from the original idea. Tania's cupcake was moist and had a good flavor combination. Heatherc's fried carrot topping was contemporary, unique, and disgusting. I contributed one of those adjectives. I'll let you puzzle out which. The winner of the first Quickfire and its attendant immunity is... Seth. He's disingenuously modest about it before telling us that Harold (who he's worked with) won the first challenge, then went on to win the entire season, so why shouldn't be Seth be destined for the same? Of course, the problem with that reasoning is that Harold won the first Elimination Challenge, not the first Quickfire, so perhaps Seth should avoid that hubris until the round is over, lest he wind up looking foolish. I'm sure that would never happen, though.
Speaking of the first Elimination Challenge, let's get to it. The chefs will be working with the most popular dessert ingredient in the business. I speak, of course, of chocolate. Two guys haul in a table stacked with it. It looks quite yummy, as does one of the guys hauling the table. LabRat is too busy grumbling that white chocolate isn't really chocolate at all to bother noticing hot dudes. Chocolate may be popular, but it's also very temperamental, so the chefs have their work cut out for them. At least the challenge itself is fairly simple: Make a luxurious chocolate dessert. The desserts will be served to fifty diners, including Jacques Torres, a luminary in the world of chocolate. The chefs will have four hours to put everything together, then one hour to plate and serve.
The chefs are dismissed for the day, and head back to their lofts. I hear Undisclosed City has lovely living spaces. Beds are haggled over. Thermostat settings are discussed. Heatherc has graduated from a flesh-colored bandage to a white covering that is threatening to swallow her face. The line to have her prepare food for you forms at the left. Zac loudly proclaims that he needs his own bathroom, because he's got "bathroom issues". Wow, oversharing AND gross. Nice combo.
The next day, the chefs return to the Kitchen for their four hours of prep. Morgan adds whisky to his dough. Heatherh (Heather H.) and Yigit discover that they have similar techniques, which makes Yigit anxious, as Heatherh clearly has some training and experience on her side. Morgan burns a tray of his flan. He does his best to work around it, interviewing that "failure is not an option". Sure it is. It's just not an attractive one. Zac feels like he has a lot to prove after his poor Quickfire performance. Eric mechanically folds his batter for minutes on end. Johnny stops by to... Ptimewaste? Is that applicable here? Let's see if his walkthrough is the least bit relevant. And, no. It's just as pointless as ever. Tania tackles her white chocolate mousse last, and finds out that the texture is all wrong, almost like hummus. Yikes. It's too late to correct, and she hopes that the flavors will pull her through.
Time quickly runs out, and the chefs move their desserts into the Dining Room. Before you know it, diners are streaming in and chowing down. The judges stop by Morgan's table first. In addition to Gail, Johnny, and Dannielle, Jacques Torres is present as promised. Morgan has made chocolate fried pie, with a milk chocolate bourbon flan. Heatherc's got a bittersweet chocolate torte, with a mini whoopie pie with marshmallow fluff that she's made. Tasting. Morgan's flan has separated, and the dish as a whole does not get positive feedback. Heatherc's dessert has the first whoopie pie Jacques Torres has ever had. I confess that I haven't had them, either. If we're aiming for that sort of combination, we tend to go more for moon pies or ice cream sandwiches around these parts. And by "these parts", I mean "me". Jacques says that Heatherc would have done better to put a citrus flavor into the sandwich cream, rather than the marshmallow.
Eric has a brownie lightly spiced with ancho chili, accented with ginger and cinnamon. It looks fantastic. Heatherh has made a dark chocolate mousse torte, with a caramel/chocolate/Grand Marnier sauce. Zac blows "disco dust" (which is edible glitter) all over his dessert. Along with a fine spray of spittle, no doubt. His dessert is several differing textures of chocolate. It's very sculptural. He calls it a chocolate fondant "brownie sundae". Tasting. The judges enjoy Zac's plate, but Jacques calls him on blowing all over his food. Eric's brownie is moist and rich, but Jacques doesn't think it's very decadent. Boo! I suppose that was one of the challenge parameters, but I don't have LabRat's sweet tooth, and so that spiced brownie was a lot more appealing to me than some chocolate cake with chocolate sauce, finished with chocolate dust and chocolate whipped cream, to be eaten with a chocolate fork. Heatherh's dessert is very elegant, and extremely tasty to boot.
Tania has an orange blossom/honey ganache and a flourless chocolate torte topped with an Earl Grey/white chocolate mousse. She admits up front that her mousse's texture isn't ideal, but she's happy with her flavors. Once the judges leave her table, her mistakes get the better of her, and she surreptitiously dabs away some tears. The other chefs catch it, and Malika pulls her in for a hug. Aw. Danielle has made a chocolate free form tart with whipped cream, hazelnut brittle, and some banana. You know, I like all those ingredients, but her dessert doesn't look good. It's goopy and unappealing. Zac agrees with me in interview. Tasting. Dannielle (that's judge-Dannielle, not contestant-Danielle -- you can tell by the stupid spelling judge-Dannielle's parents have saddled her with) finds it takes a lot of work to get a proper bite of Danielle's dessert. Jacques thinks the components are boring, but they come together to form something interesting. Tania's mousse is grainy as promised, but Dannielle likes the shape (which is a pretty teardrop) and the candied kumquat on top. Johnny remains unimpressed.
Seth has got a Madras curry and chocolate palette, with a raspberry gelee. The internet is not being very helpful on "palette", so I'll just report that it appears to be a fudge-like brownie. There are lots of additional little surprises, like liquid nitrogen-shattered raspberries and candied rose. Yigit has made a flourless chocolate genoise, with a custardless ice cream. Wow, that sure does sound luxurious! Tasting. Yigit's rubbery ice cream is lacking something. Ooh, I have a guess! Is it custard? Dannielle calls Seth's dessert a "pug" in that it's tiny, but powerful. Johnny enjoys the curry.
Tim has a milk chocolate ganache, mixed with bittersweet chocolate ganache, chocolate cake, chocolate whipped cream, and cocoa nibs on top. I just went into diabetic shock. Malika has got a bittersweet chocolate layer cake, with braised cherries and cocoa nib nougatine (brown nougat). Johnny congratulates her for finishing this time, aiming for friendly and coming off as condescending. Erika's voice rises four octaves as she describes her chocolate banana caramel crunch bar.
Panny: "I don't know nothing 'bout birthin' no babies, Miss Scarlet!"
Tasting. "The crunch Erika put on the bottom is, like, 'Pow Pow!' It wakes you up," Dannielle jabbers. Yeah, I'm not feeling this lady. That could prove to be a problem, since I'm being asked to consider her opinion as expert. She seems nice and all, but fairly inept so far. Right now, all I'm hearing is a college sophomore they pulled off the quad to judge a dessert competition. Tim's cake is a bit dense, but the flavors are all good. Malika's dessert screams chocolate. Service winds down.
Interstitial. Zac is either stupid or being deliberately obtuse when he jumps down Danielle's throat for an offhand comment she makes about how she feels like barfing after eating too much chocolate, taking it as a slam against his dessert. Either way, it's obnoxious. Shut up, Zac. You're not a quarter as cute as you think you are.
We enter into the fret 'n sweat on an establishing shot of a street sign that reads "Vine". Could our Mystery Location have been identified? Are we in Los Angeles? Until they say so, I say we just go on assuming we could be anywhere. Gail comes in, and summons Seth, Heatherh, and Zac to Judges' Table. Morgan doesn't know the protocol as to who gets called first in this iteration of the show, but sniffs that his dessert was much better than the three people who just got called. Apparently, he's the only one who thinks so, as the summoned chefs learn that they're the top three.
Zac immediately begins weeping. Jeez. He'll be fun as television fodder, but man, would he ever be exhausting to spend time with. He makes a rambling, inapt comparison between making dessert and giving birth. The judges wait patiently through this twaddle before telling him that his dessert demonstrated a lot of different textures and techniques. Dannielle's "party in my mouth" comment is mercifully gotten out of the way before Jacques admonishes Zac for blowing the glitter into his food. Heatherh's dessert was aesthetically pleasing and well-balanced. Seth didn't rely on immunity, and everyone enjoyed the curry flavoring in his dessert. Seth says he's shocked that all four judges liked it. I write that as "says he's shocked" instead of "is shocked", because I have yet to hear a statement come out of his mouth that doesn't seem forced, couched, and designed to fit a personality type that he's trying way too hard to craft for himself. I wish Seth and I were off to a better start, because his food is really quite interesting. If he lays off his posturing and focuses on his desserts, we can turn this distressing situation around.
Jacques gets the privilege of announcing the first ever Elimination Challenge winner for Just Desserts, and that honor goes to... Heatherh. Seth finally has a genuine reaction. He is not pleased. He stands stiffly, arms crossed, eyes blinking, as Heatherh and Zac share a hug. Heatherh is thrilled and surprised to have won. I'm pleased for her win, even if her dessert didn't thrill me as much as a couple of others. Probably because unlike her fellow winning chefs, she appears to care more about her food than her image. Gail puts her concerned face on, and asks the winning chefs to send back some of their colleagues. Heatherh is warmly congratulated back in the Kitchen. Seth shares the bad news as quickly as he can. The judges would like to see Danielle, Tania, and Morgan. "Whatever," Morgan spits. I'm fully convinced that he's that above-it-all, and isn't seething. Also, I was born yesterday.
The three losing chefs trudge in to Losers' Table. Strange how one of the Quickfire top three is in the losing group now, and vice versa. Danielle is asked why she thinks she's there, and she admits she doesn't know, saying she liked her flavors and textures. Johnny tells her that her dessert was exceedingly difficult to eat, and that it exploded all over the plate the moment it was touched with a fork. She explains her free form tart concept, and Jacques points out that if the dessert was taken layer by layer, the flavors didn't work anymore. Tania is obviously in the bottom for her mousse's off-putting texture. She says as much, throwing in an "At the end of the day.." DRINK! Gail liked the chocolate layer under the mousse, but there wasn't enough of it to counterbalance the mistakes.
Morgan tells the judges he thinks he had a delicious array of temperatures and textures. Johnny asks if the flan was supposed to have two layers. It did not, which means it separated. That's not a good thing. Morgan says he noticed that, but was hoping the judges wouldn't. There's a fresh approach: "I was hoping you'd be idiots." Dannielle thinks the flan brought a jarring contrast to the overall dessert. At least, that's a concise version of what she says. I know she's new, but she needs some work. Morgan, who two minutes ago said that his dessert was better than the winners', and two seconds ago said that he was hoping the judges would overlook an obvious mistake, now says that he only included the flan because he didn't want to be judged on not attempting enough. Pick a shitty defense and stick with it. The chefs are dismissed.
Back in the Kitchen, Morgan doesn't want to talk with the safe chefs about what the judges hated about his dessert. I suppose I can't fault him for that, although he's unnecessarily smarmy about it. Deliberations. Johnny says Morgan's biggest problem was himself. I'll say. He tried to do too much, and wound up spreading himself too thin. His dessert was unfocused, and didn't concentrate enough on chocolate. Johnny thinks Tania had plenty of time to remake her mousse. I don't see how he could know that. Her Earl Grey didn't lend enough flavor, and the overall dessert was far too timid. Danielle was too defensive. Eh, I didn't really get that sense. Her dessert didn't work at all if it was eaten as intended. The judges reach a decision.
Elimination. All three losing chefs failed at featuring chocolate. Morgan has technique, but took on too much. Danielle should have taken more time to construct her dessert. Tania should have corrected her mistakes. The first chef eliminated is... Tania. Please pack your tools and go. Wait, really? The woman who admitted up front that she made a technical error, and thus theoretically knows how to correct for it next time goes home over the guy who reached for any excuse short of "A wizard did it" to explain his crappy dessert? That mousse must have been truly wretched. Or they just can't eliminate the season's designated douchebag this early. Tania thanks the judges for the opportunity. In her final interview, she acknowledges that being the first to go is generally accepted as the worst thing that can happen. It's true, and I wish she could have stuck around longer. She cries a bit, and says that although she's totally bummed out, she knows she's got a fantastic husband who supports her waiting for her back home. Bon voyage, Tania. You got a raw deal. Here's hoping you get knocked up soon.
Overall Grade: B
Previously on Just Desserts: A bunch of Top Chef contestants who couldn't make a panna cotta if the recipe was tattooed on their junk. Wouldn't it be nice if there were chefs who could turn out a batch of cookies without burning down the building? The Top Chef producers certainly thought so, and have given us this spinoff, in which twelve pastry chefs will compete to see who can induce the most cavities. I feel like I may have a more discerning eye when it comes to these dishes than in the original Top Chef, not only because I like to do a lot of experimental baking, but because I live with the biggest sweet tooth in the world. Thanks to LabRat, more desserts come and go through this apartment than through Willy Wonka's factory. Ready to go? Grab a bowl of Reese's Pieces, and let's hit it!
Gail Simmons welcomes us to the competition. We have to wait approximately two seconds before the first hilarious comment spews forth from one of the contestants, who says that it's about time for pastry chefs to "come forward", as if they're forced to lurk in shadow, and don't have a four hour chunk of time devoted to worshipping them nightly on Food Network. Big, pissy catfights are previewed. Unlike baseball, there is crying in pastry preparation. Joining Gail on the judging panel will be head judge Johnny Iuzzini, Hubert Keller, and someone we've never seen on the panel before, a magazine editor named Dannielle Kyrillos (who unfortunately is introduced by telling someone that there's a party going on in her mouth). The prizes should sound familiar to you: A feature in Food & Wine magazine, a showcase at a food show, a car, and $100,000.
Opening menu. Part of the reason that I didn't contribute much to the Top Chef Season 7 finale is because I was gearing up for this. A dessert premiere plus a birthday potluck at work induced me to make a triple batch of good, old-fashioned chocolate chip cookies. LabRat enjoyed the cookies, but not the news that my stirring arm was exhausted.
The opening credits are oddly bright and neon, bringing a cruise down the Las Vegas strip to mind much more than any dessert. After that little seizure-inducing intro, we catch up with contestants arriving at the City airport. Why don't I identify the city for you? Would that I could. They never tell us, which is supremely weird. Let's meet the crew wandering out into the bright sunshine of Undisclosed Location. Seth Caro is from New York City. He tells us people think he looks like Mark Wahlberg. Yeah, if Mark Wahlberg got Lisa Rinna's lips grafted onto his face. Tania Peterson is a Jewish atheist artist. Let's hope she doesn't confine herself to baking for events that only fit that mold. She seems cool, but I long to fix her hair. Bangs aren't for everyone. A double decker bus swings by to pick them up, along with Erika Davis and Heather Hurlbert, who have just shown up. Heather is a graduate of the Culinary Institute of America, and has won pastry awards. That's awards for pastry, not awards of pastry, although that would be awesome.
At the next gate, the bus picks up Zac Young, Eric Wolitzky, and Malika Ameen. Then, it's off to the bus station to pick up Tim Nugent who talks up his ice creams and gelatos. Gelatoes? Whatever its plural, I'm craving a big ol' scoop of it right now. Stupid ninety degree day in late September. Tim kids that he's been referred to as the Snow Queen.
LabRat: "Because of all the coke I did ten years ago."
In short order, we get another Heather (Heather Chittum), Yigit Pura, and Morgan Wilson. His order of priorities is: job, kid, climbing fake rock walls, and his girlfriend. I hope she's cool with being at the end of that list. He opines that pastry chefs can easily do a savory chef's job, but the converse situation leads to mediocre food at best. Let's test that theory, shall we? Once everyone's settled on the bus, they're joined by Gail and Johnny, who hope the chefs can pull out some artistry and inventiveness. The chefs nod mutely. Gail wastes no time in getting right to the point.
Ugly neon brings us to the first Quickfire Challenge. The chefs will be making their signature desserts. That's fairly straightforward. They'll have a $50 budget, and an hour and a half to get their desserts ready. The winner will score immunity. During the shopping segment, we get a bit more biographical info. Yigit tells us that being a pastry chef involves "preciseness". And communicating in English involves knowing the word "precision". Eric admits that he works in a bakery, but still considers himself a pastry chef. Hey, don't split hairs on my account. A good cinnamon roll makes me just as happy as any truffle could. Erika reminds us that baking requires exact measurements, and in a competition where there are no recipes allowed, that can be nearly impossible. Yeah, but there are basic ratios that bakers use. I'm not saying it won't be challenging; it looks terrifyingly difficult. Just that it's not like the chefs have to remember the exact amount of baking powder that goes into each preparation. Malika overshares that she and her husband are getting a divorce.
Back in the Kitchen, the chefs ooh and aah over all the equipment provided for them, before springing into their prep time. Tania overshares that she and her husband have been trying to get her pregnant for three years. Listen, folks. I wish you all luck in this competition. Truly. But feel free to leave me out of the inner workings of your personal lives. I promise, the very second that your crumbling marriage or your faulty uterus becomes my business, I'll let you know. Zac tells us that Seth is "literally running laps around the Kitchen", and unlike 99% of previous reality show competitors, he actually uses literally correctly. Gold star for him.
About fifteen minutes into the preparations, Gail and Johnny stride in and ask the chefs to stop what they're doing. Twist ahead! The chefs must now take the signature dishes they're working on, and translate them into cupcakes. Naturally, the news hits some people harder than others, because it's a lot easier to turn a regular cake into a cupcake that it is to transform, say, pudding. Once the chefs are turned loose again, the word "fuck" is liberally contributed to the conversation. Morgan says that everyone just crapped their pants. Well, don't serve that. Malika intends to turn meringue into the actual holder to put filling into. I've heard worse ideas. Tim attempts to freeze his semifreddo. Seth hopes his basil, which is his primary ingredient, will adapt well to the new preparation. Time winds down, and cupcakes start hitting the plates. Malika discovers that the oven her meringues were in has had the temperature turned up. I brace myself for a big hissyfit, but if anything, Malika underreacts. It's far too late to do anything about her browned meringues, but it turns out not to matter, as she's caught by the buzzer without having time to fill them.
Gail and Johnny go down the line. Tania has made a chocolate cupcake filled with chicory mousse, with mesquite flour and a creme fraiche caramel. Yes, please. Heatherc (that's Heather C.) has made a carrot cupcake with creme fraiche cream cheese icing, and fried carrots on top. Spew. In news unrelated to that monstrosity, she's got some sort of Band-aid or patch on her forehead that juts down onto the bridge of her nose. Zac has turned a deconstructed lemon meringue into a vanilla bean cupcake, with lemon curd and a blood orange marshmallow. Danielle has a chocolate cupcake with a mint chip filling and a toasted meringue. Did people just not have time to make proper icings or are meringues really this overused? Eric has a devil's food cupcake with a coffee buttermilk icing. Tim has attempted to make a frozen pistachio semifreddo. Johnny allows that it's very tasty, even as it completely fails as a cupcake. Seth has a steamed Malaysian coconut cake, with a basil buttercream and candied pine nuts. I would not enjoy that at all, but have to admit that it's far and away the most creative thing I've seen so far. Morgan's got a dark chocolate souffle cake, with a tangerine slice and caramel buttercream. Malika's got nothing.
Results. Malika understandably kicks off the bottom three, and is unsurprisingly joined by Tim. Zac is the only person in the bottom three who actually made a cupcake, which he notes enthusiastically. Johnny describes Zac's marshmallow texture as "horrible". Ouch. Now, to the good news. Seth's cupcake was herbaceous and well-adapted from the original idea. Tania's cupcake was moist and had a good flavor combination. Heatherc's fried carrot topping was contemporary, unique, and disgusting. I contributed one of those adjectives. I'll let you puzzle out which. The winner of the first Quickfire and its attendant immunity is... Seth. He's disingenuously modest about it before telling us that Harold (who he's worked with) won the first challenge, then went on to win the entire season, so why shouldn't be Seth be destined for the same? Of course, the problem with that reasoning is that Harold won the first Elimination Challenge, not the first Quickfire, so perhaps Seth should avoid that hubris until the round is over, lest he wind up looking foolish. I'm sure that would never happen, though.
Speaking of the first Elimination Challenge, let's get to it. The chefs will be working with the most popular dessert ingredient in the business. I speak, of course, of chocolate. Two guys haul in a table stacked with it. It looks quite yummy, as does one of the guys hauling the table. LabRat is too busy grumbling that white chocolate isn't really chocolate at all to bother noticing hot dudes. Chocolate may be popular, but it's also very temperamental, so the chefs have their work cut out for them. At least the challenge itself is fairly simple: Make a luxurious chocolate dessert. The desserts will be served to fifty diners, including Jacques Torres, a luminary in the world of chocolate. The chefs will have four hours to put everything together, then one hour to plate and serve.
The chefs are dismissed for the day, and head back to their lofts. I hear Undisclosed City has lovely living spaces. Beds are haggled over. Thermostat settings are discussed. Heatherc has graduated from a flesh-colored bandage to a white covering that is threatening to swallow her face. The line to have her prepare food for you forms at the left. Zac loudly proclaims that he needs his own bathroom, because he's got "bathroom issues". Wow, oversharing AND gross. Nice combo.
The next day, the chefs return to the Kitchen for their four hours of prep. Morgan adds whisky to his dough. Heatherh (Heather H.) and Yigit discover that they have similar techniques, which makes Yigit anxious, as Heatherh clearly has some training and experience on her side. Morgan burns a tray of his flan. He does his best to work around it, interviewing that "failure is not an option". Sure it is. It's just not an attractive one. Zac feels like he has a lot to prove after his poor Quickfire performance. Eric mechanically folds his batter for minutes on end. Johnny stops by to... Ptimewaste? Is that applicable here? Let's see if his walkthrough is the least bit relevant. And, no. It's just as pointless as ever. Tania tackles her white chocolate mousse last, and finds out that the texture is all wrong, almost like hummus. Yikes. It's too late to correct, and she hopes that the flavors will pull her through.
Time quickly runs out, and the chefs move their desserts into the Dining Room. Before you know it, diners are streaming in and chowing down. The judges stop by Morgan's table first. In addition to Gail, Johnny, and Dannielle, Jacques Torres is present as promised. Morgan has made chocolate fried pie, with a milk chocolate bourbon flan. Heatherc's got a bittersweet chocolate torte, with a mini whoopie pie with marshmallow fluff that she's made. Tasting. Morgan's flan has separated, and the dish as a whole does not get positive feedback. Heatherc's dessert has the first whoopie pie Jacques Torres has ever had. I confess that I haven't had them, either. If we're aiming for that sort of combination, we tend to go more for moon pies or ice cream sandwiches around these parts. And by "these parts", I mean "me". Jacques says that Heatherc would have done better to put a citrus flavor into the sandwich cream, rather than the marshmallow.
Eric has a brownie lightly spiced with ancho chili, accented with ginger and cinnamon. It looks fantastic. Heatherh has made a dark chocolate mousse torte, with a caramel/chocolate/Grand Marnier sauce. Zac blows "disco dust" (which is edible glitter) all over his dessert. Along with a fine spray of spittle, no doubt. His dessert is several differing textures of chocolate. It's very sculptural. He calls it a chocolate fondant "brownie sundae". Tasting. The judges enjoy Zac's plate, but Jacques calls him on blowing all over his food. Eric's brownie is moist and rich, but Jacques doesn't think it's very decadent. Boo! I suppose that was one of the challenge parameters, but I don't have LabRat's sweet tooth, and so that spiced brownie was a lot more appealing to me than some chocolate cake with chocolate sauce, finished with chocolate dust and chocolate whipped cream, to be eaten with a chocolate fork. Heatherh's dessert is very elegant, and extremely tasty to boot.
Tania has an orange blossom/honey ganache and a flourless chocolate torte topped with an Earl Grey/white chocolate mousse. She admits up front that her mousse's texture isn't ideal, but she's happy with her flavors. Once the judges leave her table, her mistakes get the better of her, and she surreptitiously dabs away some tears. The other chefs catch it, and Malika pulls her in for a hug. Aw. Danielle has made a chocolate free form tart with whipped cream, hazelnut brittle, and some banana. You know, I like all those ingredients, but her dessert doesn't look good. It's goopy and unappealing. Zac agrees with me in interview. Tasting. Dannielle (that's judge-Dannielle, not contestant-Danielle -- you can tell by the stupid spelling judge-Dannielle's parents have saddled her with) finds it takes a lot of work to get a proper bite of Danielle's dessert. Jacques thinks the components are boring, but they come together to form something interesting. Tania's mousse is grainy as promised, but Dannielle likes the shape (which is a pretty teardrop) and the candied kumquat on top. Johnny remains unimpressed.
Seth has got a Madras curry and chocolate palette, with a raspberry gelee. The internet is not being very helpful on "palette", so I'll just report that it appears to be a fudge-like brownie. There are lots of additional little surprises, like liquid nitrogen-shattered raspberries and candied rose. Yigit has made a flourless chocolate genoise, with a custardless ice cream. Wow, that sure does sound luxurious! Tasting. Yigit's rubbery ice cream is lacking something. Ooh, I have a guess! Is it custard? Dannielle calls Seth's dessert a "pug" in that it's tiny, but powerful. Johnny enjoys the curry.
Tim has a milk chocolate ganache, mixed with bittersweet chocolate ganache, chocolate cake, chocolate whipped cream, and cocoa nibs on top. I just went into diabetic shock. Malika has got a bittersweet chocolate layer cake, with braised cherries and cocoa nib nougatine (brown nougat). Johnny congratulates her for finishing this time, aiming for friendly and coming off as condescending. Erika's voice rises four octaves as she describes her chocolate banana caramel crunch bar.
Panny: "I don't know nothing 'bout birthin' no babies, Miss Scarlet!"
Tasting. "The crunch Erika put on the bottom is, like, 'Pow Pow!' It wakes you up," Dannielle jabbers. Yeah, I'm not feeling this lady. That could prove to be a problem, since I'm being asked to consider her opinion as expert. She seems nice and all, but fairly inept so far. Right now, all I'm hearing is a college sophomore they pulled off the quad to judge a dessert competition. Tim's cake is a bit dense, but the flavors are all good. Malika's dessert screams chocolate. Service winds down.
Interstitial. Zac is either stupid or being deliberately obtuse when he jumps down Danielle's throat for an offhand comment she makes about how she feels like barfing after eating too much chocolate, taking it as a slam against his dessert. Either way, it's obnoxious. Shut up, Zac. You're not a quarter as cute as you think you are.
We enter into the fret 'n sweat on an establishing shot of a street sign that reads "Vine". Could our Mystery Location have been identified? Are we in Los Angeles? Until they say so, I say we just go on assuming we could be anywhere. Gail comes in, and summons Seth, Heatherh, and Zac to Judges' Table. Morgan doesn't know the protocol as to who gets called first in this iteration of the show, but sniffs that his dessert was much better than the three people who just got called. Apparently, he's the only one who thinks so, as the summoned chefs learn that they're the top three.
Zac immediately begins weeping. Jeez. He'll be fun as television fodder, but man, would he ever be exhausting to spend time with. He makes a rambling, inapt comparison between making dessert and giving birth. The judges wait patiently through this twaddle before telling him that his dessert demonstrated a lot of different textures and techniques. Dannielle's "party in my mouth" comment is mercifully gotten out of the way before Jacques admonishes Zac for blowing the glitter into his food. Heatherh's dessert was aesthetically pleasing and well-balanced. Seth didn't rely on immunity, and everyone enjoyed the curry flavoring in his dessert. Seth says he's shocked that all four judges liked it. I write that as "says he's shocked" instead of "is shocked", because I have yet to hear a statement come out of his mouth that doesn't seem forced, couched, and designed to fit a personality type that he's trying way too hard to craft for himself. I wish Seth and I were off to a better start, because his food is really quite interesting. If he lays off his posturing and focuses on his desserts, we can turn this distressing situation around.
Jacques gets the privilege of announcing the first ever Elimination Challenge winner for Just Desserts, and that honor goes to... Heatherh. Seth finally has a genuine reaction. He is not pleased. He stands stiffly, arms crossed, eyes blinking, as Heatherh and Zac share a hug. Heatherh is thrilled and surprised to have won. I'm pleased for her win, even if her dessert didn't thrill me as much as a couple of others. Probably because unlike her fellow winning chefs, she appears to care more about her food than her image. Gail puts her concerned face on, and asks the winning chefs to send back some of their colleagues. Heatherh is warmly congratulated back in the Kitchen. Seth shares the bad news as quickly as he can. The judges would like to see Danielle, Tania, and Morgan. "Whatever," Morgan spits. I'm fully convinced that he's that above-it-all, and isn't seething. Also, I was born yesterday.
The three losing chefs trudge in to Losers' Table. Strange how one of the Quickfire top three is in the losing group now, and vice versa. Danielle is asked why she thinks she's there, and she admits she doesn't know, saying she liked her flavors and textures. Johnny tells her that her dessert was exceedingly difficult to eat, and that it exploded all over the plate the moment it was touched with a fork. She explains her free form tart concept, and Jacques points out that if the dessert was taken layer by layer, the flavors didn't work anymore. Tania is obviously in the bottom for her mousse's off-putting texture. She says as much, throwing in an "At the end of the day.." DRINK! Gail liked the chocolate layer under the mousse, but there wasn't enough of it to counterbalance the mistakes.
Morgan tells the judges he thinks he had a delicious array of temperatures and textures. Johnny asks if the flan was supposed to have two layers. It did not, which means it separated. That's not a good thing. Morgan says he noticed that, but was hoping the judges wouldn't. There's a fresh approach: "I was hoping you'd be idiots." Dannielle thinks the flan brought a jarring contrast to the overall dessert. At least, that's a concise version of what she says. I know she's new, but she needs some work. Morgan, who two minutes ago said that his dessert was better than the winners', and two seconds ago said that he was hoping the judges would overlook an obvious mistake, now says that he only included the flan because he didn't want to be judged on not attempting enough. Pick a shitty defense and stick with it. The chefs are dismissed.
Back in the Kitchen, Morgan doesn't want to talk with the safe chefs about what the judges hated about his dessert. I suppose I can't fault him for that, although he's unnecessarily smarmy about it. Deliberations. Johnny says Morgan's biggest problem was himself. I'll say. He tried to do too much, and wound up spreading himself too thin. His dessert was unfocused, and didn't concentrate enough on chocolate. Johnny thinks Tania had plenty of time to remake her mousse. I don't see how he could know that. Her Earl Grey didn't lend enough flavor, and the overall dessert was far too timid. Danielle was too defensive. Eh, I didn't really get that sense. Her dessert didn't work at all if it was eaten as intended. The judges reach a decision.
Elimination. All three losing chefs failed at featuring chocolate. Morgan has technique, but took on too much. Danielle should have taken more time to construct her dessert. Tania should have corrected her mistakes. The first chef eliminated is... Tania. Please pack your tools and go. Wait, really? The woman who admitted up front that she made a technical error, and thus theoretically knows how to correct for it next time goes home over the guy who reached for any excuse short of "A wizard did it" to explain his crappy dessert? That mousse must have been truly wretched. Or they just can't eliminate the season's designated douchebag this early. Tania thanks the judges for the opportunity. In her final interview, she acknowledges that being the first to go is generally accepted as the worst thing that can happen. It's true, and I wish she could have stuck around longer. She cries a bit, and says that although she's totally bummed out, she knows she's got a fantastic husband who supports her waiting for her back home. Bon voyage, Tania. You got a raw deal. Here's hoping you get knocked up soon.
Overall Grade: B
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Primary Race
Top Chef - Season 7, Episode 1
Welcome back, food fans! Though Iron Chef is fun, I must confess that I was really ready for Top Chef to come back. I even sat through a bunch of Chopped episodes, despite my disgust for the entire judging panel (save Freitag and Guarnaschelli), just to get my culinary fix. This season comes to us from our nation's capital, which is a beautiful place, though I don't know much about its restaurants or cuisine. Seventeen chefs are here to prove that they have what it takes to wow the judges with their cooking prowess, and have enough of a crap personality to become a deeply-unsatisfactory winner. Hooray!
Padma introduces the opening montage. One lady wants to stick her success in her mom's face. One guy needs the money so he can support Asian orphanages. A bunch of people want to fight on television. In the best news ever, Toby Young has been booted from the judging panel, and has been replaced by Eric Ripert. I have no idea whom to credit for this change, but once I figure it out, the thank you card is in the mail. The prizes will sound familiar to you: A feature in Food and Wine, a showcase at their event in Aspen, and $125,000.
Opening menu. We always tend to go a bit crazy on the first and last episodes of a season. This time around was no exception. LabRat made a tomato/basil/mozzarella salsa to top some bruschetta, and used tomatoes and basil he plucked from our garden the day before. I'm on a wild dessert tear, and made buttercream cupcakes. Tim outdid us all with candy sushi. I swear I was looking forward to a nice unagi roll before I realized it was made out of Rice Krispie Treats and gummi worms. The viewing party's Top Chef drinking game is also in effect, so feel free to play along at home. Rule #1: Take a drink whenever someone refers to getting "thrown under the bus". The observant among you will have realized that someone already said it in the opening montage, so knock back that glass!
Ready to get acquainted? Tiffany Derry is from Beaumont, Texas. She started work at the International House of Pancakes, and by simply deciding to always work harder than the people around her, has risen to be an executive chef in Dallas. Of course, judging by my local IHOP, it's not difficult to work harder than the other employees, but I like her style. She thinks it'd be nice to be the first African American contestant to win Top Chef. Ah, yes. As I mentioned in the blurblet for this episode, we have an incredibly refreshing cast on our hands. Last time around, the entire pool was lily white by episode seven. This time, nearly half of the contestants are minorities, and there isn't just one token black guy that gets punted when all of the cannon fodder is out of the way. Stephen Hopcraft is one of those unfortunate souls who has been kidnapped at gunpoint and forced to abandon his family to go on a reality show. Tracey Bloom is an executive chef in Atlanta, Georgia. I predict Dawn French will play her in the movie. Kenny Gilbert has been cooking since he was knee-high to a grasshopper. He's confident.
The chefs arrive on the rooftop of one of the Smithsonian buildings to meet and greet. Alex Reznik enjoys the view, and is looking forward to cooking in D.C. Kelly Liken owns a restaurant with her husband in Vail, Colorado. I'm always in awe and a little bit suspicious of couples who spend all day working together, then all night living together. There is something to be said for alone time. Kelly tells us that she was voted one of the top young, female chefs in the country. That's quite a few qualifiers. Did you guys know I was voted the best Jewish, bee-fearing, crossword-loving, public-transportation-commuting, television blogger in the country? Lynne Gigliotti works for the CIA. Not that CIA. She's an instructor at the Culinary Institute of America, and tells us with a bit of deadpan cattiness that she's not some flashy young star with tattoos and weird hair, but her food tastes good. I'm taking a real shine to her already. Oh, and speaking of weird hair, we see her chatting with a guy who doesn't seem to have noticed the rats' nest that has formed atop his head. Curiously, I haven't seen a single tattoo. That's strange, given the human canvases we had last season.
Arnold Myint is an executive chef and owns three restaurants. Geez, why does he even need to be on this show? Oh, he's the one whose family supports all those orphanages. That explains it. Kids ain't cheap. His bio video includes him dancing around his restaurant like he's backup for Lady Gaga. He also talks about getting a wardrobe stylist and facial before he came on the show, so it seems safe to say that Team Rainbow has a new recruit. Kevin Sbraga puts together a frou-frou plate in his bio video, then talks about how New Jersey chefs don't get enough respect. He's familiar with Kenny, and is unnerved to be competing against him, pegging him as his biggest threat. I always love how these people try to rank competitors in a cooking contest before a single dish has been prepared. Jacqueline Lombard is the traditional contestant who is "here to prove" that a self-taught, catering chef can win the competition.
Timothy Dean is the hometown hero, as he was born and raised in D.C. Hmm. It'll be tough to refer to the Tim and Tiffany of the viewing party when there are a Tim and Tiffany competing. Frankly, it seems as though the racial difference is the simplest one, so thanks for the candy sushi, WhiteTim! BlackTim wants to win in honor of his late wife. That ought to shut down anyone attempting to trash talk him. Angelo Sosa is easily identifiable as the unavoidable, arrogant contestant. That doesn't mean he's not talented, but I'm already bracing myself for choppy waters ahead.
Padma and Ptom come out to greet the chefs. Padma was putting on some baby weight at the time, and it really suits her. The rats' nest known as John Somerville finds it surreal to actually be in this situation. If I saw that head bent over a plate of my food, I'd be calling for the check. Ptom always sounds stilted and uncomfortable when he's forced to recite reality show patter, and his opening blather is no exception, so let's just skip ahead to this season's first...
Quickfire Challenge. It's a replay of the mise en place relay race. The first round will be to peel ten potatoes, after which the last five chefs will be eliminated. The remaining contestants will have to dice ten cups of onions, after which the last four chefs will be eliminated. The third round will be to break down four chickens, after which the last four chefs will be eliminated. The final four will have to cook a dish with the aforementioned ingredients to win the challenge and its attendant prize of $20,000. Not bad! Kevin would like to win. No way, really?!? The chefs take their starting positions. Ready? Go! Ptom stands over everyone with his tinny rape whistle and monitors their work. Kenny immediately leaps into the lead. Amanda Baumgarten has apparently seen Season Five's relay race, and decides to pay homage by pulling a Richard and gouging her hand.
Kenny is the first to finish, followed by Angelo. Others soon fall into place. When the round is over, Arnold, Kelly, Jacqueline, Amanda, and Stephen are the five eliminated chefs. The wardrobe stylist and facial didn't help peel potatoes faster? Damn! Round two begins. As befits his role as The Arrogant One, Angelo is more intent on beating Kenny than anything else. It doesn't work. Kenny once again leads the pack. After the onion settles, we meet Andrea Curto-Randazzo just in time to see her eliminated. Some guy we haven't met, along with Tracey and John are also cut. Round three begins. The whistle's note is barely done reverberating before Kenny is done yet again. He's followed by Angelo, Tim, and Kevin, so Lynne, Tiffany, Alex, and some lady we haven't met yet are out. In fact, they won't bother to introduce her for the whole hour, so let's do it now. Tamesha Warren, America. America, Tamesha Warren. Alex is mad, because he "was a quarter of a chicken away from $20,000". Well, sure. Who among us hasn't said that at some point in our lives?
After the commercials, we go into the final round. The final four chefs have half an hour to throw their dishes together. Tim works on a potato gallette with chicken and fresh herbs. Kevin is making a poached, boneless chicken wing in chicken broth with the onions, some potatoes, and mushroom. Kenny goes for Moroccan spice chicken two ways. He wants to show the other chefs that he's the alpha male of the group, but Lynne is more interested in cajoling the winner into buying them booze. I know it's only the first episode, but so far, every word out of her mouth makes me like her more. Angelo makes roasted chicken with a sauce of curried onion jam and potato noodles. Time winds down, and the chefs wrap up their preparations.
Padma and Ptom go down the line, then pronounce judgment (with a lovely shot of the Capitol in the background). Tim's dish had too much cream. Kevin's broth was too salty. That leaves it between Kenny and Angelo, which it will probably be for the remainder of the season. I hope there's a surprise or two down the line, because we really don't need another season of Golden Child domination. The ultimate winner of the challenge and the money is... Angelo. He's very pleased, saying that he'd like to win every single challenge. Golden Child status aside, I have the feeling that he's going to be disappointed on that score sooner rather than later.
Elimination Challenge. Padma explains that since they're in a place that represents all Americans, the chefs will be making a dish that represents where they're from. Hilariously, we see a proud Canadian flag waving in the background as she says this. The chefs will be serving 300 guests at the annual Cherry Blossom Festival. That sounds fun, although I find it a bit weird for the first challenge to be catering, because that's really not the best venue for the chefs to put their best, representative dishes forward. Ptom says that the chefs will be broken into four groups, and that within each group, someone will be up for the win, and someone will be up for elimination. The final four chefs of the Quickfire get to choose the chefs they'll be competing against in the mini-groups. Angelo gets to pick first, and the groups shake out to be:
Group #1: Angelo, Tiffany, Kelly, and John
Group #2: Kenny, Tracey, Lynne, and Stephen
Group #3: Kevin, Arnold, Amanda, and Jacqueline
Group #4: Tim, Alex, Tamesha, and Andrea
That leaves one odd man out, who's named Ed Cotton. He's miffed at being chosen last, and rattles off his impressive resume. Of course, he doesn't realize that being picked last would suggest the team-choosing chefs believe he's stronger rather than weaker, so he should probably leave "Critical Thinking" off of that CV. As the Quickfire winner, Angelo gets to place Ed, so he puts him in Kenny's group. The chefs will have $300 to shop, and four hours to prep, plus one hour to set up at the event.
The chefs head back to their living quarters, which turns out to be a beautiful townhouse. Rooms are divvied up via the time-tested method of sticking all the snorers together, although it looks like non-snorer Arnold may be stuck with log-sawing roommates. John kicks back and journals. I've freeze-framed the shot of his diary, and can make out "Tough nite sleeping as it always is in a big city. Lots of noise, lights, phones, and pillows that were a bit soft." What a goofball. Soft pillows are more of a distraction than sixteen roommates? And if you're going to take the trouble to write everything out, why not just go the extra letter and write night? His diary anticipates an upcoming challenge. Ya think? He also mentions something about the Easter Egg Roll at the White House, and Obama throwing out the first pitch at a baseball game. He interviews that he wants to "give the judges a piece of who [he is]." I'm sure anyone he's prepared food for without a hairnet has had a piece of him.
Shopping. Everyone floods the meat counter, because no matter what part of America you hail from, your food had better contain something that used to have a heartbeat. Jacqueline stocks up on chicken liver and spills apples all over the floor. John grabs a bunch of store-brand puff pastry that he's never tried before. Back at the Kitchen, prep time begins. Several chefs have spent some of their food budget on decorative flowers. The viewing party becomes a sea of heads shaking in disdain. The Reliably Shitty Titles Department gets an early jump this season by misidentifying the four hour prep time as one hour.
Timothy gets started on rockfish to symbolize the Chesapeake Bay region. Alex's family is from Russia (holla!), so he works on a deconstructed short rib borscht with creme fraiche. Alex is kind of cute when he's not wearing those hideously unflattering glasses. Amanda giggles that Kevin was silly for choosing her, because she's going to totally destroy him. If she can avoid chopping off more of her hand, that is. Kevin works on a sous vide Pennsylvania lamb with a lemon pistachio marmalade and spring onions. Sounds good. Jacqueline is making a duo of chicken liver mousse to put into apple cups. She decides to make it lighter by omitting a lot of the butter fat. Sure, why not make a completely unnecessary change to the taste and texture of mousse? It's not like you're being critiqued by a French judge or anything. Angelo has Arctic char with shallots, chili tapioca, and a smoked bacon froth. John is from Michigan. LabRat rolls his eyes. Apparently, they've got some good maple sap up there, so John is making a maple mousse Napoleon with macadamia nuts and vanilla sauce.
Tracey sizes up Stephen's food. He's making a potato-crusted ribeye to symbolize Ohio. Sounds good to me. It does not sound good to Tracey, because the only food served between New York and Las Vegas is pig slop. What a twat. Kenny is representing Colorado with a cinnamon-coffee-rubbed trout with a black bean mole, goat cheese polenta, and quinoa.
LabRat: "Ah, yes. When I think of Colorado, I always think of mole and quinoa."
Meanwhile, John has already ruined his macadamia nuts by setting the oven incorrectly. I hate to keep making fun of him, because he seems like a lovely guy, but come on. I need something to work with here. If a reality show competitor wants me on their team, being nice is great, but they also have to be either competent or funny. Miraculously good-looking doesn't hurt, either. Where was I going with this idea? Oh, yeah. John's a mess. Jacqueline decides not to strain her chicken liver puree. She calls this "risky", but a "safe bet". Um. Do these sentences not pass through some sort of logic filter before they leave her mouth? Time runs out, and through the magic of television, we arrive at the event hall. The chefs do their final preparations. Jacqueline discovers that the mousse has not magically strained itself on the trip over, and is grainy. She tries to cook it down to a smoother texture.
Guests begin to arrive. Serving gets underway. The judges stride in, led by Padma's newly-swelled breasts. She, Ptom, Gail, and Eric head for Amanda's table first. Amanda has made neo-classical Californian food. Bleh. It's a red snapper carpaccio with clementines, sencha oil, and a daikon/caraway gelee. Arnold explains that he's from Nashville. So, seafood? I'm sorry, is it too soon for that joke? Arnold also has a Thai background, so he's made a kaffir lime and basil cake with a palm sugar anglaise, and a "Myint" julep. That's a pretty weak tie to Tennessee, but it looks like a nice dish, overall. Kevin presents his lamb. Jacqueline explains that she's made a low-fat chicken liver mousse. Gail is already horrified by the idea. Tasting #1. Amanda's fish is messy and underseasoned. Kevin's lamb is tender and tasty. Jacqueline's grainy mousse is universally disliked. Arnold's dish isn't discussed on camera.
Commercials. As we return, Bravo sneaks in a shot of a gay couple holding hands on their way in to the festival. Don't let any military personnel see you! Stephen has accented his potato-crusted ribeye with a celery root puree and a scarlet stadium mustard vinaigrette. Heh. I like that stadium mustard touch. Ed is from Boston, and has made sauteed cod cakes with Boston baked beans and a shaved fennel salad. Lynne is from the New York area, and has a corn-camembert ice cream on waffles, with a bacon-praline and caramel sauce. Curiosity about that corn aside, it looks wonderful. Tracey is from Atlanta, and has made stone-ground grits, with rock shrimp and a maple cheddar sauce. Kenny has the aforementioned trout. Tasting #2. Tracey's shrimp is bland. How can that be?!?! She's from a city!!!!!! Ed's cod has too much breading. Stephen's ribeye just tastes like deep-fried anything. One of the guys from The Bachelor didn't like it either, as if anyone gives a good goddamn what he thinks about anything. Kenny's is the only one to get a positive reaction (although Lynne's food isn't mentioned). Looks like he chose his "team" well.
Alex presents his borscht. Tamesha finally gets to open her mouth. She's from Barbados originally, and has made a jerk chicken sphere on top of polenta, with mango, papaya, and jicama. Andrea was inspired by Miami Italian food. I wasn't aware that Miami had that many Italians. She's made pork with chorizo/potato gnocchi, calabaza squash, and an orange gremolata. Tim's pan-seared rockfish includes pickled leek, dill, and a grilled crostini, finished with ginger and sesame seeds. Tasting #3. Andrea's food is good, but has little to do with Miami. Alex's borscht is a big hit, both taste-wise and as a method of deconstruction. Tim's sauces are indistinct, and his fish had too thick a skin on it to cook well. Tamesha is ignored yet again.
Tiffany is from Texas, and wanted to give her food some Southern flair. She's made a Cajun shrimp and crawfish salad, with some chicken-fried tomatillos and a bacon-sherry vinaigrette. Yes, please. Kelly, who bragged earlier that she had this challenge in the bag because she cooks regional cuisine every day at her restaurant in Colorado, has made New York strip steak. As a dish to represent where she's from. In Colorado. A New York strip steak. Whatever. Anyway, it's crusted in spices, and served with fiddlehead fern and a wild mushroom sauce. Angelo represents small town Connecticut with his Arctic char. John presents his maple Napoleon. Tasting #4. Angelo's fish is great, though Gail and Ptom have a slight disagreement over the amount of dill in it. Angelo tells some guests that they can lick their bowls, but his pronunciation, along with a high level of background noise, makes it sound like Angelo just told a group of complete strangers to go lick their balls. Kelly's steak is well-seasoned. John's maple mousse is nothing but sugar. The judges taste no maple at all. Tiffany's food isn't mentioned. The event winds down.
Back in the Kitchen, the chefs settle in for the fret 'n sweat. Padma comes in and summons Kevin, Alex, Kenny, and Angelo to Judges' Table. They're told they are the top of their groups. That's three of the top four Quickfire placers. I guess Tim didn't do such a good job of choosing competitors. Gail's initial impression of Kenny's plate was that it needed editing, but she has to admit that it turned out to be extremely well-balanced. Kevin's was the exact opposite; it looked overly simple until the judges tasted it. The components of Angelo's dish all made themselves known, and were all wonderful. Alex did a great job of deconstructing his borscht. Eric gets to announce the winner, which is... Angelo. Wow, the rare double win! He's very proud of himself, saying that he's going to "set the presidents" for the whole season. I know we're in D.C., but precendents, Angelo. Unless this is just another weird speech pattern of his, and he really did want those people to lick their balls. No prize is given. Only the duty to inform the bottom four that they're wanted at Losers' Table.
Angelo tells the waiting chefs that the judges want to see Stephen, John, Tim, and Jacqueline. Tim is confused and flustered. The four of them trudge out to the dining room, where the judges inform them that they had the least successful dishes of the evening. Now, in the first challenge, the chefs have a unique opportunity not available in later challenges. This is probably the only episode in which "I thought I could pull this off, because X, Y, and Z, but here's why it didn't work out," could be accepted as a legitimate excuse. As long as you can articulately explain where you went wrong, you'll probably get a second chance. Let's see how these four handle it, shall we? Stephen's ribeye was so thin that it was destined to be overcooked. He says he thought he could crisp the outside so that the inside remained medium rare, but couldn't. Eric tells him his meat turned out like chicken nuggets.
Jacqueline had a bad concept from the beginning. Liver is supposed to be fatty. If you thought "this is risky, but a safe bet" was the most illogical, stupid thing she could ever say, prepare to be amazed. "I've never made these without my recipes. I've served this dish hundreds of times around the country." Oy. Does she do this a lot? "I wanted to stay clean, so I jumped in a mud puddle." "I'm a staunch Republican, so I voted for Bill Clinton." Ptom asks her if she's made it hundreds of times, or just served it hundreds of times. She tries to dance around that question by admitting it was underseasoned, but Ptom nails her, saying that's not what he asked her. She says she's made it hundreds of times, and Ptom wonders why she needs a recipe. She doesn't really have a response to that, muttering that it's not memorized. Well, I guess Jill can take heart. She no longer holds the record for the worst defense of her food.
John's food had no maple flavor and the puff pastry was soggy. John admits that buying pre-prepared pastry might not have been the right choice, but that it was just an instrument to bring the mousse up to the mouth. Double oy. Would that be the mousse that the judges just said they didn't like? Gail points out that the pastry made up a good third of the plate, so John can't really act like it was some inconsequential component. John says that he guesses that he just did something stupid. Triple oy. Tim liked his cut of rockfish, but Eric says that leaving the skin on made it chewy and unpleasant. Ptom brings up the fact that Tim had his choice of competitors, and here he sits at the bottom of his self-selected pile. Tim says he's let himself down more than the judges, but knows that he can put forth better food, given the chance. The chefs are dismissed.
Deliberations. The bottom four made a lot of mistakes. John not only had bad food, but buying pre-prepared dough doesn't fit the challenge parameter of representing himself. His cream was grainy and thin. Stephen had a bad idea when it came to preparation technique, and got caught up in his background story. Jacqueline had a better idea, but made a terrible mousse. The judges can't believe she used low-fat liver as a selling point. Tim's fish skin ruined everything. The judges reach a decision.
Interstitial. Some of the chefs spend the long wait during the fret 'n sweat playing games. Some of the other chefs disapprove. I fail to care.
Elimination. The bottom four chefs all had execution problems. Ptom tells Stephen that if "Cleveland rocks," his dish certainly didn't. I don't know who puts these terrible puns and attempts at acerbic wit into Ptom's scripts, but I wish they'd stop. He can't sell them. That's not an insult; he does well when he's simply explaining his reaction to something. They need to just let him be direct, and stop trying to make him a showman. Jacqueline's mousse was completely terrible. The only thing John represented was a first-year pastry student. Tim could have done a better job with his fish and a much better job representing his region. We go over to Padma for the chop. John. Please pack your knives and go. I sure am glad that there's a dessert iteration of this show coming up, because the contestants in this main version prove over and over again how hard they suck at it. Except for my girl Carla. Hootie!
John thanks the judges for the opportunity, and leaks some tears in his final interview. Aw. He admits that making a dessert on this show is always a big risk, which is why I wonder why he chose to take that risk on the first challenge. Play to your strengths first - then prove you can go outside of your comfort zone. He gets good-bye hugs back in the Kitchen, and tells us that he feels like he's let down his family and supporters back home. Oh, I wouldn't say that, necessarily. Some people just aren't cut out for this kind of contest; it doesn't mean they can't cook. Still, I have to admit that not having to look at giant, nasty dreads for the rest of the season is a definite perk.
This season on Top Chef: Washington. Running. Cooking. Holy shitballs. Yelling. Fighting. The CIA. This time, it is that CIA. Baseball. Boats. Rambunctious children. Crying. Cursing. Astronauts. Mike, for some inconceivable reason. Nancy Pelosi. Angelo is "literally going to be a sniper". AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! That's it. I've decided that every time someone misuses literally, they owe me a dollar. I'll be a millionaire in five years.
Overall Grade: B
Welcome back, food fans! Though Iron Chef is fun, I must confess that I was really ready for Top Chef to come back. I even sat through a bunch of Chopped episodes, despite my disgust for the entire judging panel (save Freitag and Guarnaschelli), just to get my culinary fix. This season comes to us from our nation's capital, which is a beautiful place, though I don't know much about its restaurants or cuisine. Seventeen chefs are here to prove that they have what it takes to wow the judges with their cooking prowess, and have enough of a crap personality to become a deeply-unsatisfactory winner. Hooray!
Padma introduces the opening montage. One lady wants to stick her success in her mom's face. One guy needs the money so he can support Asian orphanages. A bunch of people want to fight on television. In the best news ever, Toby Young has been booted from the judging panel, and has been replaced by Eric Ripert. I have no idea whom to credit for this change, but once I figure it out, the thank you card is in the mail. The prizes will sound familiar to you: A feature in Food and Wine, a showcase at their event in Aspen, and $125,000.
Opening menu. We always tend to go a bit crazy on the first and last episodes of a season. This time around was no exception. LabRat made a tomato/basil/mozzarella salsa to top some bruschetta, and used tomatoes and basil he plucked from our garden the day before. I'm on a wild dessert tear, and made buttercream cupcakes. Tim outdid us all with candy sushi. I swear I was looking forward to a nice unagi roll before I realized it was made out of Rice Krispie Treats and gummi worms. The viewing party's Top Chef drinking game is also in effect, so feel free to play along at home. Rule #1: Take a drink whenever someone refers to getting "thrown under the bus". The observant among you will have realized that someone already said it in the opening montage, so knock back that glass!
Ready to get acquainted? Tiffany Derry is from Beaumont, Texas. She started work at the International House of Pancakes, and by simply deciding to always work harder than the people around her, has risen to be an executive chef in Dallas. Of course, judging by my local IHOP, it's not difficult to work harder than the other employees, but I like her style. She thinks it'd be nice to be the first African American contestant to win Top Chef. Ah, yes. As I mentioned in the blurblet for this episode, we have an incredibly refreshing cast on our hands. Last time around, the entire pool was lily white by episode seven. This time, nearly half of the contestants are minorities, and there isn't just one token black guy that gets punted when all of the cannon fodder is out of the way. Stephen Hopcraft is one of those unfortunate souls who has been kidnapped at gunpoint and forced to abandon his family to go on a reality show. Tracey Bloom is an executive chef in Atlanta, Georgia. I predict Dawn French will play her in the movie. Kenny Gilbert has been cooking since he was knee-high to a grasshopper. He's confident.
The chefs arrive on the rooftop of one of the Smithsonian buildings to meet and greet. Alex Reznik enjoys the view, and is looking forward to cooking in D.C. Kelly Liken owns a restaurant with her husband in Vail, Colorado. I'm always in awe and a little bit suspicious of couples who spend all day working together, then all night living together. There is something to be said for alone time. Kelly tells us that she was voted one of the top young, female chefs in the country. That's quite a few qualifiers. Did you guys know I was voted the best Jewish, bee-fearing, crossword-loving, public-transportation-commuting, television blogger in the country? Lynne Gigliotti works for the CIA. Not that CIA. She's an instructor at the Culinary Institute of America, and tells us with a bit of deadpan cattiness that she's not some flashy young star with tattoos and weird hair, but her food tastes good. I'm taking a real shine to her already. Oh, and speaking of weird hair, we see her chatting with a guy who doesn't seem to have noticed the rats' nest that has formed atop his head. Curiously, I haven't seen a single tattoo. That's strange, given the human canvases we had last season.
Arnold Myint is an executive chef and owns three restaurants. Geez, why does he even need to be on this show? Oh, he's the one whose family supports all those orphanages. That explains it. Kids ain't cheap. His bio video includes him dancing around his restaurant like he's backup for Lady Gaga. He also talks about getting a wardrobe stylist and facial before he came on the show, so it seems safe to say that Team Rainbow has a new recruit. Kevin Sbraga puts together a frou-frou plate in his bio video, then talks about how New Jersey chefs don't get enough respect. He's familiar with Kenny, and is unnerved to be competing against him, pegging him as his biggest threat. I always love how these people try to rank competitors in a cooking contest before a single dish has been prepared. Jacqueline Lombard is the traditional contestant who is "here to prove" that a self-taught, catering chef can win the competition.
Timothy Dean is the hometown hero, as he was born and raised in D.C. Hmm. It'll be tough to refer to the Tim and Tiffany of the viewing party when there are a Tim and Tiffany competing. Frankly, it seems as though the racial difference is the simplest one, so thanks for the candy sushi, WhiteTim! BlackTim wants to win in honor of his late wife. That ought to shut down anyone attempting to trash talk him. Angelo Sosa is easily identifiable as the unavoidable, arrogant contestant. That doesn't mean he's not talented, but I'm already bracing myself for choppy waters ahead.
Padma and Ptom come out to greet the chefs. Padma was putting on some baby weight at the time, and it really suits her. The rats' nest known as John Somerville finds it surreal to actually be in this situation. If I saw that head bent over a plate of my food, I'd be calling for the check. Ptom always sounds stilted and uncomfortable when he's forced to recite reality show patter, and his opening blather is no exception, so let's just skip ahead to this season's first...
Quickfire Challenge. It's a replay of the mise en place relay race. The first round will be to peel ten potatoes, after which the last five chefs will be eliminated. The remaining contestants will have to dice ten cups of onions, after which the last four chefs will be eliminated. The third round will be to break down four chickens, after which the last four chefs will be eliminated. The final four will have to cook a dish with the aforementioned ingredients to win the challenge and its attendant prize of $20,000. Not bad! Kevin would like to win. No way, really?!? The chefs take their starting positions. Ready? Go! Ptom stands over everyone with his tinny rape whistle and monitors their work. Kenny immediately leaps into the lead. Amanda Baumgarten has apparently seen Season Five's relay race, and decides to pay homage by pulling a Richard and gouging her hand.
Kenny is the first to finish, followed by Angelo. Others soon fall into place. When the round is over, Arnold, Kelly, Jacqueline, Amanda, and Stephen are the five eliminated chefs. The wardrobe stylist and facial didn't help peel potatoes faster? Damn! Round two begins. As befits his role as The Arrogant One, Angelo is more intent on beating Kenny than anything else. It doesn't work. Kenny once again leads the pack. After the onion settles, we meet Andrea Curto-Randazzo just in time to see her eliminated. Some guy we haven't met, along with Tracey and John are also cut. Round three begins. The whistle's note is barely done reverberating before Kenny is done yet again. He's followed by Angelo, Tim, and Kevin, so Lynne, Tiffany, Alex, and some lady we haven't met yet are out. In fact, they won't bother to introduce her for the whole hour, so let's do it now. Tamesha Warren, America. America, Tamesha Warren. Alex is mad, because he "was a quarter of a chicken away from $20,000". Well, sure. Who among us hasn't said that at some point in our lives?
After the commercials, we go into the final round. The final four chefs have half an hour to throw their dishes together. Tim works on a potato gallette with chicken and fresh herbs. Kevin is making a poached, boneless chicken wing in chicken broth with the onions, some potatoes, and mushroom. Kenny goes for Moroccan spice chicken two ways. He wants to show the other chefs that he's the alpha male of the group, but Lynne is more interested in cajoling the winner into buying them booze. I know it's only the first episode, but so far, every word out of her mouth makes me like her more. Angelo makes roasted chicken with a sauce of curried onion jam and potato noodles. Time winds down, and the chefs wrap up their preparations.
Padma and Ptom go down the line, then pronounce judgment (with a lovely shot of the Capitol in the background). Tim's dish had too much cream. Kevin's broth was too salty. That leaves it between Kenny and Angelo, which it will probably be for the remainder of the season. I hope there's a surprise or two down the line, because we really don't need another season of Golden Child domination. The ultimate winner of the challenge and the money is... Angelo. He's very pleased, saying that he'd like to win every single challenge. Golden Child status aside, I have the feeling that he's going to be disappointed on that score sooner rather than later.
Elimination Challenge. Padma explains that since they're in a place that represents all Americans, the chefs will be making a dish that represents where they're from. Hilariously, we see a proud Canadian flag waving in the background as she says this. The chefs will be serving 300 guests at the annual Cherry Blossom Festival. That sounds fun, although I find it a bit weird for the first challenge to be catering, because that's really not the best venue for the chefs to put their best, representative dishes forward. Ptom says that the chefs will be broken into four groups, and that within each group, someone will be up for the win, and someone will be up for elimination. The final four chefs of the Quickfire get to choose the chefs they'll be competing against in the mini-groups. Angelo gets to pick first, and the groups shake out to be:
Group #1: Angelo, Tiffany, Kelly, and John
Group #2: Kenny, Tracey, Lynne, and Stephen
Group #3: Kevin, Arnold, Amanda, and Jacqueline
Group #4: Tim, Alex, Tamesha, and Andrea
That leaves one odd man out, who's named Ed Cotton. He's miffed at being chosen last, and rattles off his impressive resume. Of course, he doesn't realize that being picked last would suggest the team-choosing chefs believe he's stronger rather than weaker, so he should probably leave "Critical Thinking" off of that CV. As the Quickfire winner, Angelo gets to place Ed, so he puts him in Kenny's group. The chefs will have $300 to shop, and four hours to prep, plus one hour to set up at the event.
The chefs head back to their living quarters, which turns out to be a beautiful townhouse. Rooms are divvied up via the time-tested method of sticking all the snorers together, although it looks like non-snorer Arnold may be stuck with log-sawing roommates. John kicks back and journals. I've freeze-framed the shot of his diary, and can make out "Tough nite sleeping as it always is in a big city. Lots of noise, lights, phones, and pillows that were a bit soft." What a goofball. Soft pillows are more of a distraction than sixteen roommates? And if you're going to take the trouble to write everything out, why not just go the extra letter and write night? His diary anticipates an upcoming challenge. Ya think? He also mentions something about the Easter Egg Roll at the White House, and Obama throwing out the first pitch at a baseball game. He interviews that he wants to "give the judges a piece of who [he is]." I'm sure anyone he's prepared food for without a hairnet has had a piece of him.
Shopping. Everyone floods the meat counter, because no matter what part of America you hail from, your food had better contain something that used to have a heartbeat. Jacqueline stocks up on chicken liver and spills apples all over the floor. John grabs a bunch of store-brand puff pastry that he's never tried before. Back at the Kitchen, prep time begins. Several chefs have spent some of their food budget on decorative flowers. The viewing party becomes a sea of heads shaking in disdain. The Reliably Shitty Titles Department gets an early jump this season by misidentifying the four hour prep time as one hour.
Timothy gets started on rockfish to symbolize the Chesapeake Bay region. Alex's family is from Russia (holla!), so he works on a deconstructed short rib borscht with creme fraiche. Alex is kind of cute when he's not wearing those hideously unflattering glasses. Amanda giggles that Kevin was silly for choosing her, because she's going to totally destroy him. If she can avoid chopping off more of her hand, that is. Kevin works on a sous vide Pennsylvania lamb with a lemon pistachio marmalade and spring onions. Sounds good. Jacqueline is making a duo of chicken liver mousse to put into apple cups. She decides to make it lighter by omitting a lot of the butter fat. Sure, why not make a completely unnecessary change to the taste and texture of mousse? It's not like you're being critiqued by a French judge or anything. Angelo has Arctic char with shallots, chili tapioca, and a smoked bacon froth. John is from Michigan. LabRat rolls his eyes. Apparently, they've got some good maple sap up there, so John is making a maple mousse Napoleon with macadamia nuts and vanilla sauce.
Tracey sizes up Stephen's food. He's making a potato-crusted ribeye to symbolize Ohio. Sounds good to me. It does not sound good to Tracey, because the only food served between New York and Las Vegas is pig slop. What a twat. Kenny is representing Colorado with a cinnamon-coffee-rubbed trout with a black bean mole, goat cheese polenta, and quinoa.
LabRat: "Ah, yes. When I think of Colorado, I always think of mole and quinoa."
Meanwhile, John has already ruined his macadamia nuts by setting the oven incorrectly. I hate to keep making fun of him, because he seems like a lovely guy, but come on. I need something to work with here. If a reality show competitor wants me on their team, being nice is great, but they also have to be either competent or funny. Miraculously good-looking doesn't hurt, either. Where was I going with this idea? Oh, yeah. John's a mess. Jacqueline decides not to strain her chicken liver puree. She calls this "risky", but a "safe bet". Um. Do these sentences not pass through some sort of logic filter before they leave her mouth? Time runs out, and through the magic of television, we arrive at the event hall. The chefs do their final preparations. Jacqueline discovers that the mousse has not magically strained itself on the trip over, and is grainy. She tries to cook it down to a smoother texture.
Guests begin to arrive. Serving gets underway. The judges stride in, led by Padma's newly-swelled breasts. She, Ptom, Gail, and Eric head for Amanda's table first. Amanda has made neo-classical Californian food. Bleh. It's a red snapper carpaccio with clementines, sencha oil, and a daikon/caraway gelee. Arnold explains that he's from Nashville. So, seafood? I'm sorry, is it too soon for that joke? Arnold also has a Thai background, so he's made a kaffir lime and basil cake with a palm sugar anglaise, and a "Myint" julep. That's a pretty weak tie to Tennessee, but it looks like a nice dish, overall. Kevin presents his lamb. Jacqueline explains that she's made a low-fat chicken liver mousse. Gail is already horrified by the idea. Tasting #1. Amanda's fish is messy and underseasoned. Kevin's lamb is tender and tasty. Jacqueline's grainy mousse is universally disliked. Arnold's dish isn't discussed on camera.
Commercials. As we return, Bravo sneaks in a shot of a gay couple holding hands on their way in to the festival. Don't let any military personnel see you! Stephen has accented his potato-crusted ribeye with a celery root puree and a scarlet stadium mustard vinaigrette. Heh. I like that stadium mustard touch. Ed is from Boston, and has made sauteed cod cakes with Boston baked beans and a shaved fennel salad. Lynne is from the New York area, and has a corn-camembert ice cream on waffles, with a bacon-praline and caramel sauce. Curiosity about that corn aside, it looks wonderful. Tracey is from Atlanta, and has made stone-ground grits, with rock shrimp and a maple cheddar sauce. Kenny has the aforementioned trout. Tasting #2. Tracey's shrimp is bland. How can that be?!?! She's from a city!!!!!! Ed's cod has too much breading. Stephen's ribeye just tastes like deep-fried anything. One of the guys from The Bachelor didn't like it either, as if anyone gives a good goddamn what he thinks about anything. Kenny's is the only one to get a positive reaction (although Lynne's food isn't mentioned). Looks like he chose his "team" well.
Alex presents his borscht. Tamesha finally gets to open her mouth. She's from Barbados originally, and has made a jerk chicken sphere on top of polenta, with mango, papaya, and jicama. Andrea was inspired by Miami Italian food. I wasn't aware that Miami had that many Italians. She's made pork with chorizo/potato gnocchi, calabaza squash, and an orange gremolata. Tim's pan-seared rockfish includes pickled leek, dill, and a grilled crostini, finished with ginger and sesame seeds. Tasting #3. Andrea's food is good, but has little to do with Miami. Alex's borscht is a big hit, both taste-wise and as a method of deconstruction. Tim's sauces are indistinct, and his fish had too thick a skin on it to cook well. Tamesha is ignored yet again.
Tiffany is from Texas, and wanted to give her food some Southern flair. She's made a Cajun shrimp and crawfish salad, with some chicken-fried tomatillos and a bacon-sherry vinaigrette. Yes, please. Kelly, who bragged earlier that she had this challenge in the bag because she cooks regional cuisine every day at her restaurant in Colorado, has made New York strip steak. As a dish to represent where she's from. In Colorado. A New York strip steak. Whatever. Anyway, it's crusted in spices, and served with fiddlehead fern and a wild mushroom sauce. Angelo represents small town Connecticut with his Arctic char. John presents his maple Napoleon. Tasting #4. Angelo's fish is great, though Gail and Ptom have a slight disagreement over the amount of dill in it. Angelo tells some guests that they can lick their bowls, but his pronunciation, along with a high level of background noise, makes it sound like Angelo just told a group of complete strangers to go lick their balls. Kelly's steak is well-seasoned. John's maple mousse is nothing but sugar. The judges taste no maple at all. Tiffany's food isn't mentioned. The event winds down.
Back in the Kitchen, the chefs settle in for the fret 'n sweat. Padma comes in and summons Kevin, Alex, Kenny, and Angelo to Judges' Table. They're told they are the top of their groups. That's three of the top four Quickfire placers. I guess Tim didn't do such a good job of choosing competitors. Gail's initial impression of Kenny's plate was that it needed editing, but she has to admit that it turned out to be extremely well-balanced. Kevin's was the exact opposite; it looked overly simple until the judges tasted it. The components of Angelo's dish all made themselves known, and were all wonderful. Alex did a great job of deconstructing his borscht. Eric gets to announce the winner, which is... Angelo. Wow, the rare double win! He's very proud of himself, saying that he's going to "set the presidents" for the whole season. I know we're in D.C., but precendents, Angelo. Unless this is just another weird speech pattern of his, and he really did want those people to lick their balls. No prize is given. Only the duty to inform the bottom four that they're wanted at Losers' Table.
Angelo tells the waiting chefs that the judges want to see Stephen, John, Tim, and Jacqueline. Tim is confused and flustered. The four of them trudge out to the dining room, where the judges inform them that they had the least successful dishes of the evening. Now, in the first challenge, the chefs have a unique opportunity not available in later challenges. This is probably the only episode in which "I thought I could pull this off, because X, Y, and Z, but here's why it didn't work out," could be accepted as a legitimate excuse. As long as you can articulately explain where you went wrong, you'll probably get a second chance. Let's see how these four handle it, shall we? Stephen's ribeye was so thin that it was destined to be overcooked. He says he thought he could crisp the outside so that the inside remained medium rare, but couldn't. Eric tells him his meat turned out like chicken nuggets.
Jacqueline had a bad concept from the beginning. Liver is supposed to be fatty. If you thought "this is risky, but a safe bet" was the most illogical, stupid thing she could ever say, prepare to be amazed. "I've never made these without my recipes. I've served this dish hundreds of times around the country." Oy. Does she do this a lot? "I wanted to stay clean, so I jumped in a mud puddle." "I'm a staunch Republican, so I voted for Bill Clinton." Ptom asks her if she's made it hundreds of times, or just served it hundreds of times. She tries to dance around that question by admitting it was underseasoned, but Ptom nails her, saying that's not what he asked her. She says she's made it hundreds of times, and Ptom wonders why she needs a recipe. She doesn't really have a response to that, muttering that it's not memorized. Well, I guess Jill can take heart. She no longer holds the record for the worst defense of her food.
John's food had no maple flavor and the puff pastry was soggy. John admits that buying pre-prepared pastry might not have been the right choice, but that it was just an instrument to bring the mousse up to the mouth. Double oy. Would that be the mousse that the judges just said they didn't like? Gail points out that the pastry made up a good third of the plate, so John can't really act like it was some inconsequential component. John says that he guesses that he just did something stupid. Triple oy. Tim liked his cut of rockfish, but Eric says that leaving the skin on made it chewy and unpleasant. Ptom brings up the fact that Tim had his choice of competitors, and here he sits at the bottom of his self-selected pile. Tim says he's let himself down more than the judges, but knows that he can put forth better food, given the chance. The chefs are dismissed.
Deliberations. The bottom four made a lot of mistakes. John not only had bad food, but buying pre-prepared dough doesn't fit the challenge parameter of representing himself. His cream was grainy and thin. Stephen had a bad idea when it came to preparation technique, and got caught up in his background story. Jacqueline had a better idea, but made a terrible mousse. The judges can't believe she used low-fat liver as a selling point. Tim's fish skin ruined everything. The judges reach a decision.
Interstitial. Some of the chefs spend the long wait during the fret 'n sweat playing games. Some of the other chefs disapprove. I fail to care.
Elimination. The bottom four chefs all had execution problems. Ptom tells Stephen that if "Cleveland rocks," his dish certainly didn't. I don't know who puts these terrible puns and attempts at acerbic wit into Ptom's scripts, but I wish they'd stop. He can't sell them. That's not an insult; he does well when he's simply explaining his reaction to something. They need to just let him be direct, and stop trying to make him a showman. Jacqueline's mousse was completely terrible. The only thing John represented was a first-year pastry student. Tim could have done a better job with his fish and a much better job representing his region. We go over to Padma for the chop. John. Please pack your knives and go. I sure am glad that there's a dessert iteration of this show coming up, because the contestants in this main version prove over and over again how hard they suck at it. Except for my girl Carla. Hootie!
John thanks the judges for the opportunity, and leaks some tears in his final interview. Aw. He admits that making a dessert on this show is always a big risk, which is why I wonder why he chose to take that risk on the first challenge. Play to your strengths first - then prove you can go outside of your comfort zone. He gets good-bye hugs back in the Kitchen, and tells us that he feels like he's let down his family and supporters back home. Oh, I wouldn't say that, necessarily. Some people just aren't cut out for this kind of contest; it doesn't mean they can't cook. Still, I have to admit that not having to look at giant, nasty dreads for the rest of the season is a definite perk.
This season on Top Chef: Washington. Running. Cooking. Holy shitballs. Yelling. Fighting. The CIA. This time, it is that CIA. Baseball. Boats. Rambunctious children. Crying. Cursing. Astronauts. Mike, for some inconceivable reason. Nancy Pelosi. Angelo is "literally going to be a sniper". AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! That's it. I've decided that every time someone misuses literally, they owe me a dollar. I'll be a millionaire in five years.
Overall Grade: B
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