America's Next Top Model - Season 1, Episode 7
Previously on France's Next Top Model: The girls left the Big Apple for Paris, the city of Lights, Love, and Molestation. Everyone hated Robin. Everyone loved Kesse. Well, everyone except for the judges, who sent her back to Arkansas. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Paris. Adrianne and Elyse head down for breakfast and talk about how bad it sucks that Kesse's gone. Why are the pictures in the background blurred out? Weird. Robin and Shannon are back in the hotel room, also lamenting the loss. They consult their Bibles, I guess looking for the Book of Kesse ("Thou shalt not shop for moisturizer when thou art in the midst of a timed challenge." - Kesse 3:7). Back at the breakfast table, Adrianne interviews about the divide between these two factions. "I believe in God. I'm just not psychotic about it," she deadpans. Heh.
Later, the girls get made up by Very Special Makeup Artist Tyra Banks for their black and white close up photo, shot by Very Special Photographer Tyra Banks. There is absolutely no point to this scene except to show how wonderful and creative Tyra is. That's fine, Tyra. Keep stroking your ego for a minute or two. I'm going to get a glass of water.
OK, I'm back. The girls interview how much they want to win the competition. Robin says that she wants to win because it will bring her great power. Because the chicks you see thrusting their boobs at you from the pages of Cosmopolitan RULE THE WORLD. After the shoot, the girls head to Carven, which is apparently the oldest couture company in Paris. Um...impressive? The girls test out some perfume and check out the one-of-a-kind clothing available. Of course fucking Shannon selects the ugliest thing in the room as her favorite. Let me see if I can describe this shirt. It's covered in silver sequins, except for a heart shape made of red sequins placed right where your heart would be. Also, a white fur collar. It's completely hideous. The girls then meet Pascal, the creative director. He looks like he's about 4'8", but I think models are supposed to be really tall, so maybe my comparison is off. Montage of the girls trying on those high-fashion clothes you see in magazines and on runways, but never in real life, because they're expensive and fugly. Pascal gives them gift bags of...something. Perfume, maybe? They never show us, which was kind of irritating.
Evening. Tyra Mail arrives letting the girls know that they'll have some free time tomorrow. Adrianne wants to go see Jim Morrison's grave. Robin wants to go shopping. Well, this conundrum is easily solved. They could either split up for the day, do both, or agree that both activities are totally stupid, given that you can go shopping anytime and Jim Morrison is an overrated hack. Of course, what fun would going for the easy solution be when you can throw a giant tantrum? Elyse suggests the compromise of going to the grave, then shopping, saying she doesn't want to split into two groups. Er....why? So she can spend more quality time with Robin? I am at a loss to explain why Elyse thinks they all need to stick together. Robin reacts predictably, saying she wants to go shopping, and doesn't budge from that. She even manages to somehow bring up Elyse's atheism as some sort of reason why she shouldn't have to do something that Adrianne wants to do.
I just give up on Robin. Every week she pulls something like this. I don't have the strength to keep railing against every selfish, rude, hypocritical, annoying, obnoxious, self-serving, disingenuous, bitchy, prissy, whiny, fucked-up thing she does. Suffice it to say she's an awful human being, and I wouldn't piss on her if she were on fire. Elyse flees the room in tears. I want to feel bad for her, but, I mean...catch up, Elyse. Robin has been like this from Day 1. Stop trying to be her friend and write her off as the useless bitch she is. Adrianne goes down to comfort Elyse, and makes a lot of very astute statements about how Robin's Shield of Christianity is really a smokescreen so she can get away with murder. That seems to calm Elyse down. Adrianne interviews that she wouldn't be surprised if Robin actually worshipped Satan instead of Jesus. I'd say they're both wrong. Robin worships Robin.
Morning. All pretense of friendship is gone, and the polarization between Elyse/Adrianne and Shannon/Robin is complete. Elyse and Adrianne set off to find Jim Morrison's grave, which they cannot do, because I believe his body was moved after his grave was defaced a bunch of times. I can't imagine someone caring about Jim Morrison that much. Did the Doors really set the music world aflame? Enough to make a stupid movie starring stupid Val Kilmer? Whatever. I'm sure the musicians I admire have their share of detractors. Anyhow, Elyse doesn't particularly want to do this, but she doesn't mind hanging out with Adrianne, which Adrianne appreciates. Robin and fucking Shannon hit the Gap. Yes, the Gap. Because they really want to soak up that French culture. When everyone gets back to the hotel, they have to hurry up and get ready to head back to Carven. Pascal describes their upcoming challenge, which is really kind of skeevy. He uses some artful euphemisms, but the gist is that the girls will be taken out to dinner by some Frenchmen, and whoever kisses their asses the most successfully wins the challenge, a night in a luxury suite.
Evening. The girls are wearing clothes from Carven. Robin's dress sure is pretty. That's about the only nice thing about Robin in this scene, as she completely ignores everyone else to read her Bible, which would be rude in a normal setting, let alone a challenge in which you're supposed to be fawning over some guy. Adrianne calls Robin a bitch in an interview, and does a hilarious impression of fucking Shannon's 400-toothed maniacal smile. The night on the town sequence is boring and not worth talking about, suffice it to say that Adrianne wins the challenge, and picks Elyse to share the room with her. Merry music plays as Adrianne and Elyse jump on the enormous bed. Adrianne relaxes in the enormous tub. Elyse wolfs down some chocolate cake. They pretend they're having a romantic evening together, and Adrianne carries Elyse over the threshold. In bed, they both giggle as they whip off their tops. I think someone slipped them some funny mushrooms. "Good night, slut-ho," Adrianne says as they settle in for the night.
Morning. Fucking Shannon brushes her enormous teeth. Today is the photo shoot, and it will be an ad for diamonds. Orange Jay will be doing the makeup and directing the girls on set. This is normally where I'd pitch a fit about Orange Jay and how much I hate him, but he's really very tolerable this week. He tells the girls that this will be a nude shot. The editors actually insert the sound of crickets chirping, which was completely awesome. They meet Patrick, the photographer, and they're off to hair and makeup. Fucking Shannon cries, and Robin again consults her Bible ("You shall bend to my will. To deny me is to be eliminated." - Tyra 1:4) as Adrianne disrobes. Adrianne looks terrific. I mean, I'm not getting any lustful stirrings or anything, but still.....nice. Elyse gears up to go next. Orange Jay wins some points with me by trying to placate a bitch-faced Robin and a nervous Shannon. He tells them that the room will be sectioned off so nobody will see them. He describes ways of appearing nude without actually being nude. He asks them to share their concerns with him. It's actually really respectful. Where's the Orange Jay that harangued Nicole for not wanting to go to a stupid party? Robin cites religion again, some more and refuses to do the shoot. Wow, isn't it great that what God wants and what is convenient for Robin always seem to sync up? That is so freaky! A plainly terrified Shannon says she wants to try the band (that's the thing they wrap around your chest to sort of invisibly hide your boobs), and it's my first official liking Shannon moment, ever. Robin, all alone out on her limb, backpedals furiously and says she'd like to try the band too.
Orange Jay gossips with Elyse that Robin is acting all shy about her body now, but flashed him her boobs and jiggled them at him while at Carven, which I find a little hard to believe. Apparently, Tyra saw this happen too, so what do I know? Maybe Robin's a wanton sex goddess when the cameras aren't rolling. Elyse starts her posing session and looks equally as wonderful as Adrianne did. They've got the sort of competitive vibe/friendship that Kahlen and Naima had in Cycle 4. When Orange Jay goes back to get Shannon for her turn, she's changed her mind and doesn't want to do the shoot anymore. Hmmm...interesting that she would flip after being left alone with Robin for a few minutes. Orange Jay is on the same page I am, and asks if Robin has anything to do with her decision. Shannon (back to fucking Shannon because my liking her lasted about forty-five seconds) denies this, but it's clear that's what has happened. Now supported by her sycophantic backup, Robin also refuses to do the shoot. Insert your own rant about how evil Robin is here.
The girls pack up to leave Paris. Adrianne loved her time there, but Robin isn't so gushing. She interviews that the moments she had in Paris weren't her "most happiest". Nor her most grammatical, I assume. Actually, who am I kidding? They probably were her most grammatical. We should count ourselves lucky that we can understand her without an interpreter. Also, maybe your moments in Paris would have been "more happier" if you hadn't been such an obnoxious brat the whole time. Back in New York, the girls return to their hotel. They're being consolidated into a single room, which Adrianne notes with an extremely saracastic "spectacular". Heh. I started off not liking Adrianne too much, and now she's giving Elyse a run for her money in the My Best Friend department. The girls learn there will be an elimination the next day, so really putting them all in one room upon their return from Paris was completely pointless.
Robin interviews that she's proud that she stuck by her guns, and if she's eliminated, it's basically God's fault. Handy. The girls enter the Chamber of Doom. The guest judge is Derek Khan, who is the girls' stylist, and has makeup on that makes him look like someone's slugged him in the eye. Whatever. He's almost as much of an attention whore as Giselle was, so I'll be ignoring him. The final challenge is to create a high-fashion outfit in ten minutes out of components that the girls will find upstairs. And...they're off! And...they're back! Elyse looks wonderful. The judges love her outfit, her photo, and everything about her. Yay! Fucking Shannon is wearing some sort of shimmering silver outfit that makes her look like a baked potato ready to toss onto the grill. The judges discuss the lack of a photo, and point out that if she doesn't want to simulate nudity, then perhaps she SHOULDN'T BE A MODEL. She's so dumb. There are no complaints about Adrianne. Janice calls her photo "exquisite", and it really is. Robin. Her outfit is fine (by the judges' standards, not mine). Tyra shreds her for being unashamed of her nudity at Carven, but covering up at the shoot. Robin tries to explain herself, but the judges don't want to hear it. They tell her she could have been a role model for plus-sized women everywhere by doing the shoot. I think that's a little far-fetched, but as long as they're yelling at her, I'm happy. The judges are tired of her attitude and "perfect" facade. Everyone hates her. Especially Jesus.
Deliberations. More of the same. Elimination. Elyse is safe. Adrianne is safe, and needs to show more femininity in person, or whatever. Would Shannon and Robin please step forward? Robin, it's great that you have such a rigid moral code - when it suits you. Shannon, you're boring. But boring wins over bitchy, and finally...FINALLY, Robin is eliminated. Oh, thank the blessed virgin. I never thought I'd be so happy to see fucking Shannon safe. Shannon hugs the other girls as Robin leaves. I could almost swear that Adrianne gives her the evil eye on the way out. Robin's exit interview is typically meaningless blather, capped by the phrase "my work here is done." Well, if your job was to annoy the everloving piss out of me? Mission accomplished.
"Next week" on America's Next Top Model: Fashion week. The girls will strut their stuff, and we're going to have a winner! And it's not going to be Robin! Hooray!
Overall Grade: B+
No comments:
Post a Comment