America's Next Top Model - Season 1, Episode 3
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Robin used the Bible to prove that she's a better person than everyone else. Yep, sounds pretty Christian to me. Ebony attempted to conceal Tyra mail. Katie was a slutbag, and got eliminated for it.
New York. Adrianne is surprised that Katie got cut, and is nervous for herself. I really wish they'd stop using Adrianne for exposition, because her slow, choppy speech drives me up the friggin wall. Nicole talks about her boyfriend back home. He apparently rides BMX for a living. She shows some pictures of him to the other girls, and they ooh and ahh over how ripped he is. Eh. I think he's pretty unremarkable. The nicest abs in the world don't make up for an ugly face. He's actually not ugly, just kinda plain. Nicole interviews that she wants independence and a life of her own, so the sneaky editors show her leaving a series of (unanswered) messages on her boyfriend's (Cory, I think) machine. Heh. Loser.
Morning. Tyra introduces the makeover session. Why, I do believe this is the first "Fierce!" of the series. And....ew. It's also the first introduction of Orange Jay. He hadn't dyed his hair bright blond at this point, so he looks a tiny bit better than he normally does, which is like saying that a puddle of vomit looks better without the chunks of corn swimming in it. Tyra and Jay talk about the looks that they have planned for the girls. Ebony, upon hearing that they're going to shave off the little patch of hair she has left, seems fine with that, saying "work me!" pleasantly. They don't have any ideas for Giselle, which made me laugh and laugh, because I dislike her for no very good reason. Nicole and Robin aren't thrilled. Nicole is going to have some expensive hair extensions taken out, and Robin's black hair is going to be dyed a lighter shade. They bitch and moan. God, shut up. Nicole's hair looks like a rat's nest, and Robin can dye her damn hair back, so they have nothing to complain about. The after picture of Nicole with straighter, shorter hair looks about 370 times better. Giselle cries as she's getting worked on, because she's an attention whore. Her "after" looks practically the same as her "before" except they've added some ill-advised red highlights. Elyse has been given a choppy, pixie haircut, and looks good. She interviews that it's not necessarily what she would have picked for herself, but she's not unhappy with it. Ebony looks about the same. Shannon's hair has been straightened, and as in Nicole's case, looks much, much better. I am starting to learn that a lot of women just can't pull off curly hair. At all. The camera catches Kesse with wax on her eyebrows and mustache line, and when she's sees that it's pointed at her, she goes bug-eyed and ducks behind a plant. Heh, that was cute. Her "after" photo makes her look more like Tyra than ever. She's happy with it. Adrianne looks fine, if not stunning. Robin continues to piss and moan, and thinks being a "diva" means being a lady. Between this and her definition of ironic a couple of weeks back, Robin needs to put down the Bible and pick up a freaking dictionary. She doesn't like the lighter color of her hair. I agree with her.
Orange Jay babbles about makeup. I wander away from the TV to get a drink, and when I get back, he's still going on about foundation or whatever. Zzzzzzzz.... Evening. Ebony throws one of her patented tantrums because it appears that the line of her head shaving is uneven. Isn't that easily fixable? She goes on and on (and on and on) about how bad it looks and poor her. She's got a point because a "trendy" "salon" being unable to simply shave someone's head is like a tenured English professor tripping over the alphabet. Still. Calm the fuck down, Ebony. Robin makes fun of her behind her back, making "blah blah blah" faces, which was 1) bitchy, 2) hypocritical, and 3) really funny. The other girls crack up. Nicole is still trying to reach her boyfriend. She says she can't get through the day without talking to him. Ugh, I hate chicks like that.
Morning. Orange Jay gives the girls crap for complaining about their makeovers. Sadly, this is just the first of many self-righteous snits from the little troll that we'll be treated to this week. Ebony totally pretends that she didn't have a shit-fit about her hair. I want to like Ebony, but she's making it very difficult. Orange Jay tells them that there will be a makeup challenge: they will have to transform from a daytime look to an evening one. The prize will be attending an industry party. Ebony (who is a makeup artist, we're told), gives Robin some helpful tips. Awww. The girls meet Derek Khan, and go window shopping in the ritzy stores on Madison Avenue. Actually, window shopping implies that things are purchased. The girls just go into stores and look at what they have. It's as exciting as it sounds. Robin actually plunks down almost $800 for a pair of boots. Hey, we all have our weaknesses.
Makeup challenge. They have ten minutes to create the evening look. Go! Frantic application of makeup ensues. Time is up. Everyone did kind of a sucky job, including Ebony the Makeup Artist. Orange Jay judges Elyse the winner for no apparent reason, but I like her, so it's fine by me. She's told she can pick three others to go with her. She chooses Nicole and Adrianne because they loaned various things to her. For the third name, she asks if anyone's mother's maiden name starts with G, and gets Robin. Elyse isn't happy. Well then, don't pick someone at random, stooge. Nicole actually declines her invitation, saying she doesn't feel well. Orange Jay starts into another whiny rant about how good this party could be for her career, and does she really wants to advance someone else at her own expense, and so on. Shut up, Jay. Elyse interviews that you can't afford to alienate the judges in this competition. That's true, and the power that this hideous little toad wields over the girls is nothing short of depressing. Orange Jay warns her once more that an elimination is looming, and Nicole says that if they eliminate her just because she doesn't feel up to sharing in a reward, then it's a stupid competition, and she doesn't want to win it. Wow, that was my first respecting Nicole moment, ever. Orange Jay implies that if she doesn't bend to his will, she'll wind up working at Burger King. SHUT UP, YOU UGLY, STUPID FUCK-KNUCKLE! I could not detest him more. In a way, he's got a tiny sliver of a point, because I suspect that Nicole doesn't want to go to the party because of the issues she's having with her boyfriend, which is stupid. Still, if she's really not feeling well, then trying to badger her into it is completely out of line. He's only doing it because her not treating this party as if it were the best thing ever, which....well, you'll see in a minute....makes him look like a fool, which he is.
Elyse, Adrianne, and Robin show up at the Indian consulate where the party is being held. So nobody went in Nicole's place, which kind of blows Jay's "putting someone else at an advantage" argument right out of the water. Are you ready for the mind-blowing importance of the people at this party? You know, the ones Orange Jay implied could make or break Nicole's career? A socialite. A former fashion editor. Puff Daddy's mother. There ya go! And what sage advice do they have for the models that did show up? Elyse is fit for runway work, Adrianne would make a good print model, and Robin would be a good spokesmodel. That's it. Wow, I'd totally be crying into my pillow if I missed out on this. Back at the hotel, Nicole finally reaches her boyfriend on the phone, and without so much as a hello, starts ripping into him about how she hasn't been able to reach him for a few days. He seems unimpressed by the argument that he should be at her beck and call. They fight some more, and are both idiots. She asks him if he wants her to drop out of the competition, and he says "I don't know" which means "yes" which means they're not just idiots, but passive-aggressive idiots.
Morning. Jon, the personal trainer, wakes the girls up and tells them they're going to work out. Robin is really late because she was primping in the mirror, and totally flakes out on her workouts. She's such a princess. Jon hates her, and loves Adrianne, and for once, I can see why. She likes exercising, and it shows. Giselle interviews that Robin has to have an attitude about everything. Does that lack of self-awareness ever hurt?
The photo shoot today is a beauty shot, with bizarre makeup. Oh, and some very special models, which are a bunch of snakes. Heh, this ought to be good. Giselle and Adrianne seem excited about posing with snakes, and Robin is - surprise! - upset about it. She's wearing red/yellow makeup across her eyes, and I have to say, looks really good. Elyse is given long, fake eyelashes and is told to act like she just popped out of an eggshell, which she does admirably. Kesse really doesn't look thrilled to have a snake wrapped around her, though her makeup is pretty. Ebony looks completely awesome. Shannon is boring, as always. Giselle has a bunch of glitter on her face. I can't decide if it's cool in an artsy sort of way or really stupid. She can take comfort that her snake is posing much better than any of the other girls'. Nicole looks the best she ever has. Adrianne has super-cool purple makeup splashed across her face, and brags about how natural she is with the snake, as if half the other girls weren't equally as calm. The photographer practically jizzes himself talking about how awesome she is. I really don't get it. The girls love Adrianne. The judges love Adrianne. The personal trainer loves Adrianne. The people at the Indian consulate love Adrianne. Photographers love Adrianne. I? Do not love Adrianne. I don't hate her, but I really am at a loss to explain why she's so popular. She's pretty, but not overly so. Her voice is extremely grating. She's one of those chicks that pretends to be really into beer and baseball so guys will think she's cool. I mean, it's nice that she doesn't whine about challenges and all, but still. I'm lost.
Tyra Mail. Elimination looms. In the morning, Adrianne cannot drag herself out of bed. Ebony notes that usually Adrianne is always talking and that the silence alerted her to the fact that something may be wrong. She's practically screaming in Adrianne's ear, which is so helpful when you're sick. Adrianne gets sent to the hospital, and she really does look wretched. She interviews in the cab as she's shivering and crying that she hates hospitals. There goes that badass image. I can't be too rough on her, though. When you're ill, you can pretty much act however you want (within reason). That's why there's so many sympathy-baiting hypochondriacs out there. Not that, you know, I know any. In completely unrelated news...Hi, Mom! Turns out Adrianne has a nasty case of food poisoning. Ouch. I wonder why nobody else got it. Tyra interviews that if Adrianne cannot make it to the judging, she'll be eliminated. Adrianne lies that she feels better and drags herself back to the hotel. OK, she gets a lot of respect for that. I'm still not falling into her love trap, though.
Judging. Tyra recaps the prizes and introduces the judges. The guest judge is some anal leakage from a diseased camel. Or Orange Jay for short. The final challenge will be to take a photo of Tyra with some extreme makeup and try and replicate it within 20 minutes. To save time, I'll just say that they all suck, and everyone looks like steaming ass. Adrianne. Janice is pleased that she pushed herself to the judging, because you should always put the judges' wishes before your own, Nicole. Everyone loves her photo, of course. Kesse. They like the look, but think she looks too scared of her snake in the photo. I have to say that's true. Nicole. As I said before, I think she looks better than she ever has. The judges make up some bullshit about "dead eyes" because they hate her for skipping the party. Everyone loves Elyse. Shannon. I know I said everyone looks bad, but Shannon goes that one better and looks downright awful. Seriously, she looks like a hooker that has just had her ass kicked in a barroom brawl. The photo is meh, but the judges seem to like it. Giselle. The judges like her photo more than she or I do. Take what you can get, Giselle. Robin. The judges yell at her for complaining about the makeover. Tyra whines a bit about the hair tragedies she's had to endure while Janice plays air violin in the background. Heh. They like her photo, though, and wow. I hate Robin as a person, but she takes some really terrific pictures. She's like the Keenyah of Cycle 1. Ebony. The judges say that her photo (which is great) needed the most retouching because of her skin texture. Uh, oh. That doesn't bode well.
Deliberations. Kimora thinks Nicole looks good in person, but not in her photographs. Hah! That's the exact opposite of what the photographer said earlier. Tyra says she feels like Nicole doesn't want to be there, which means that Orange Jay badmouthed her for not wanting to go to a party to meet a bunch of nouveau-riche wannabes. God, he's such an asshole. Robin's got an attitude problem. Ebony is harsh.
Elimination. Shannon is safe. Boo! I hate her. Kesse. Elyse. Giselle. Adrianne. Robin is told she's safe, and that she's spent her one free tantrum. She seems to take that gracefully. Would Ebony and Nicole please step forward? Ebony's skin texture is a problem, but not as much of a problem as Nicole's not bowing to Orange Jay's every whim, so she's cut. I'm not much of a Nicole fan, but what-the-fuck ever. She doesn't have any regrets, and is semi-relieved to be going home to her jerk boyfriend so the two of them can spend their jerky lives together and have jerky children. Bye, Nicole! At least I don't have to try to tell the difference between you and Shannon anymore.
"Next week" on America's Next Top Model: The girls do a commercial. Ebony wants to bring her girlfriend over, and Shannon has an anti-homosexuality rant, as if she were smart enough to form an opinion on anything other than lip gloss. Ebony fights with Giselle. Geez, I really need to make an "Ebony fights with [name]" macro.
Overall Grade: C-
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