America's Next Top Model - Season 5, Episode 8
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Well, really it was a clip show, but the producers pretend that's not the case and tell us what happened two weeks ago. Fugly Lisa got dirty. Kim got girly. Kyle got eliminated. Boo! She was so the prettiest contestant. Six girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight? Because, you know, somebody totally will be!
Bel Air. Kyle Mail! She's left a note wishing all the remaining girls luck. Kim cries in the confessional because she and Kyle were such good friends (read: Kim unloaded a bunch of crap, and Kyle listened to it). Bre is also upset because she was in the bottom two. Hey, yeah! She had no business there, either! What the crap was Tyra thinking? Fugly Lisa interviews that the other girls are considering her more of a threat now. I don't like how self-impressed Fugly Lisa is, but she's probably right. Tyra Mail! Somehow, the girls figure out just from the word "diva" that they'll be meeting Eva, the winner of Cycle 3. They're all excited, especially Bre, who's the most extroverted I've ever seen her as she rushes off to do her hair. Hee.
The Monster Humvee drops the girls at a studio called Poodle Parlor. It's official. All the good names for businesses are taken, so people have to resort to shit like that now. Eva is getting her picture taken in a not-at-all-staged-by-the-show photo shoot. Man, she doesn't even look like herself anymore. There are some magazine editors present as well. One of them is named Samara, and has long, dark hair, so she'll probably be crawling out of televisions to kill everyone any second now. Woo! That ought to spice up this episode. Kim and Nike laugh about how Kim has a little crush on Eva. Aw. Eva introduces the concept of entourages. One of her entourage members is her cousin. Ouch for him. After the "photo shoot", Eva sits down to answer the girls' questions. Oh, holy hell, she has an honest-to-God lap dog with her. Does she think she's Joan Crawford? None of the questions or answers are worth revisiting, of course.
After Eva takes off, Fugly Lisa wanders around and talks to various crew people standing around. Everyone looks totally bored. Here's a hint, Tyra. When the people on-screen are bored, think about the poor audience at home watching them be bored. Fugly Lisa interviews that talking to these people could be useful for her career (she calls it "networking"), but it's obvious she's just trying to kill some time. I doubt Eva's cousin is really going to be her springboard into the world of high fashion.
Back at the model pad, Fugly Lisa interviews that the air is thick with tension, so to lessen the pressure, she dresses up as this kind of trucker meets prostitute person and walks around talking to the girls. None of them are amused. I am, though. She even goes into the confessional and does an interview (in the trucker/prostitute character, of course) about how the other girls need to lighten up. Hehe. That was awesome. Bre interviews that Fugly Lisa has "lost her damn mind". Man, these girls do need to lighten up.
Commercials. I don't want kids ever, but that commercial where the baby presses the "M" on the learning pad thingy, and then says "Mama" tugs at my heartstrings. The mother's like 43, though. They couldn't have gotten a younger actress?
Tyra Mail. It's typically nonsensical. The Monster Humvee takes them to the "fashion district" of LA. Is there a fashion district? That's not what they call a bunch of clothing stores in a row, is it? Because I'd call that a mall. The girls are taken to another studio. Kim is wearing another goddamned striped sailor shirt. I'm more sick of those than I am of the airbrushed tank tops I still catch a glimpse of from time to time. I do like the return of Jayla's Italy shirt, though. What? It's a cool shirt! I'm wasting time describing the girls' outfits, because the next segment is a total bore. Basically, the girls select an entourage of their own, select makeup and clothes and whatnot, and also create a collage that helps express what's unique about them. They then present them for a prize. Simple, right? Really, though, it's just an excuse to show a guy from Cover Girl wandering around extolling the virtues of several products. I'm just going to skip all that crap.
That evening, the girls go to yet another studio for the presentation. There's a flunky there who says that they'll be presenting their collages to Benny Medina, who's apparently a big deal. I will soon know that at least Benny Medina thinks Benny Medina is a big deal. The flunky tells them that whoever exhibits the most star power will win a guest shot on this week's episode of Veronica Mars. Yes, I see a hand in the back. Uh, huh. The question is what on God's green Earth do collages have to do with demonstrating "star power"? The answer is "nothing". Thanks for a great question. On to the challenge! Nike's up first. She barely gets her name out of her mouth before Benny becomes a complete asshole towards her. In fact, he's like that with all the girls, so let's just hit the salient points with this equally boring segment. All of the collages look like something you'd find at a fourth-grade girl scout meeting. Oh, I wish I hadn't typed that, because now I'm craving Girl Scout cookies. Damn. Fugly Lisa actually works herself up into tears during her presentation. She seems a bit overwhelmed by the prize at stake. Of course none of the clothes, makeup, or hair the girls had factored into the challenge at all, so thanks for wasting our time with that crap, show. Anyway, Kim is randomly judged the winner. Whatever.
Well, they say bad things come in threes, so let's have our third boring segment in a row. Kim goes to the set of Veronica Mars. She reads her lines. And.....scene! Back at the model pad, Fugly Lisa passive-aggressively tells Kim she's happy for her win. Kim reports this to us via confessional at which Nicole is randomly present as well. Thanks for explaining that to us, show. I'm not sure I would have made the logical leap without the interview.
Commercials. I love Old Navy jeans, but this newest commercial is so vapid and insulting that I may have to boycott them, and fulfill my denim needs elsewhere.
Photo shoot. OJ explains that the girls will get to act all mad and cut loose for the photo. Fugly Lisa smiles because she knows this is right up her alley. OJ also introduces the girls to the photographer, Nadia, who's wearing ugly glasses in an unsuccessful attempt to look hip. After some hair and makeup work, the girls are also introduced to the agents that will be causing the anger in their shots; the MTV wildboyz. You'll forgive me for not knowing who these gentlemen are. MTV hasn't really been my thing since...well, I think the last time I watched MTV, Peter Gabriel's "Sledgehammer" video was playing, so there you go. Bre does her best sassy black chick voice as she tells one of them (the dwarf - dwarf is a PC term, right? I just have to avoid "midget"?) that she thinks he's going to be a problem. He tries to joke back with her, but she gives him the stone-face. Oooh, you don't mess with Bre.
Begin! Fugly Lisa's up first. Her scenario is finding the boys putting on her makeup. OK, then. She actually embraces the "crazy lady" persona a little too heartily. She needs to remember that she's still got to pose for the camera. Bre's scenario is that she's wrapped in a towel, and the boys have stolen her underwear. She's OK, but really gets the good shots when she becomes actually pissed that the boys start flinging panties in her face. Not that I expect her to thank them for it or anything, because...panties in the face. Nicole's scenario is that she's caught the boys (as her boyfriends) cheating on her with Kim. HAHAHAHA! BECAUSE KIM'S GAY!!!! GET IT? Whatever. Anyway, Nicole sucks, because she's laughing through the whole thing. Jayla's scenario is that the boys are feeding her dog pizza. She's not allowed to really scream, because she might frighten the dog. Well, that's kind of unfair. She does the best she can with her silent shrieks. Nike's scenario is that the boys have stolen her dresses. She screams as the boys jump up and down behind her. What she doesn't know is that with each leap, one of the boys' dicks flops out, which makes everyone laugh. Also a bit unfair. That's distracting! Oh, whatever. It's like a massive whatever just hangs over this entire episode. Kim's scenario is that she's mad that the boys are...jumping into the pool. WHATEVER.
After the shoot, the boys start paying attention to Nicole. Fugly Lisa, sensing the spotlight is not on her, comes into the room wearing the guys' underwear fashioned into a bulky diaper. Everyone's on to her game, even the boys, who call her "so Fatal Attraction". Yowch. Bre, in the highlight of the episode, goes outside, leans over to Jayla, and says "Why is she wearing a diaper, again?" Jayla: "I don't know." Bre: "OK, just thought I'd ask." Then, Fugly Lisa pees herself. On purpose. Mission accomplished. Attention gotten. Now, I'd like to ask her a question. Do you think Tyra is going to allow the winner of this season to be The Girl Who Pissed Herself For a Laugh? Bre nails it again when she says that no model would do something as disgusting as pee on herself at her job. Hey, yeah! I was just viewing it in terms of the show and the competition, but in a way, these photo shoots are the girls' job, which makes Fugly Lisa's stunt even more crass. There's a million interviews that boil down to the fact that the other girls think she's gross and crazy. She's not crazy, she's just an attention whore. Gross, I won't dispute.
Commercials. Shut up, Papa John. I like your garlic sauce, but that doesn't mean I need your overexcited ass on my TV.
Tyra Mail. Tomorrow, the girls meet with the judges and only five will continue on. Someone's getting eliminated. Well, we have no reason to doubt the Tyra Mail. Everyone's nervous. We go into the Chamber of Doom on a pretty disturbing shot of Tyra being tended to by her entourage. Why do we have to hear the prizes every damn week? The judges are introduced, along with guest judge Nadia, the photographer this week. The final challenge is to take a product and do poses with it. The items are toothpaste (print model), sunglasses (high fashion editorial) and chocolate (television endorsement). Nicole's typically flaky. Fugly Lisa's typically overexcited. Everyone else does fine. Well, they don't do fine with the chocolate endorsement. Most of the girls suck at it. Except Bre. Bre does a sultry voiceover about the chocolate, and just blows the judges away. Nigel even closes his eyes. Attagirl! What's even more brilliant is that after she's done, she screws her face up in disgust and says "I hate chocolate." Hah!
Photo deliberations. Nadia's put on the ugly glasses again. Girl, you can find more attractive frames at fucking Lenscrafters. Get on it. Jayla. The judges aren't thrilled with her product challenge, and say that her photo looks like a blow-up doll. They're totally right. Ugh. Nike. She did so-so at the product challenge, but her photo is great. She manages to be pretty and yet still look like she's screaming mad. Kim. Also so-so on the challenge. I'm surprised at how good her photo is. The judges like it, too. Fugly Lisa. As the judges discuss her product challenge, there's an obvious overdub just so that Tyra can show a shot of herself from earlier modeling days. Jeez, Tyra. You're a model, you've got this show, and you've got a talk show. Need we feed the ego this much? Her photo is not very good, which is just as surprising as Kim's good shot. You'd think Fugly Lisa would nail this photo shoot. But she's gone too far in being angry, and it doesn't translate well for the picture. Bre. The judges love, love, love her product challenge, though they give her some shit for trying to cover up her kind of working-class personality. Wow, that's almost as insulting as when they cut Diane for not having a "plus-size personality". Shut up, judges. They do love her photo, though. Nicole. She gets a solid meh on all counts.
Commercials. I'm not surprised Wendy's is running an entire line of ads playfully suggesting that you can hypnotize people into doing your bidding with their burgers. It's not as if they could sell them based on flavor or nutritional value.
Deliberations. Nadia says point blank that Fugly Lisa could never be a model. Tyra tries to speak up for her personality (that'd be the drunk, pee herself for a laugh personality), but Nadia remains firm. There's a shot of Twiggy saying that she loves the way Jayla looks, and I can almost swear that she's actually saying it about one of the other girls (she never uses Jayla's name), and that the editors put that in so that it looks like not all of the judges were all "ew". Just a hunch on my part. Tyra says that they've reached a decision, and that it's "strange". Hmm. "Elimination". Bre is safe. Yay! Kim is safe. Nike. Fugly Lisa. Would Jayla and Nicole please step forward? Oh, please let it be Jayla going home. Tyra criticizes both of them (fairly - neither of them did well this week), and tells them that both of them must pack their bags. At this point, I'm surprised, but willing to see Nicole go down if it means Jayla goes as well. But they're not packing their bags for elimination! They're going to London! All six of them! Nobody is eliminated! A few of those fuzzy-hatted guards come out. There's red, white, and blue confetti. There's a hilarious shot of Nicole looking extremely unamused that Tyra pulled this trick on her. Everyone dances around (including the guards). Nobody fades out.
Well, fuck. We finally came thisclose to getting rid of Jayla, and she gets to stay? Boo. Plus, how is this decision "strange"? It obviously came about because of Cassandra's exit from the competition. The producers were left with a certain amount of episodes and not enough girls to fill them. Solution? Don't eliminate anybody one week. I don't know how I'd feel about this fakeout if it weren't Jayla on the chopping block, but as it is? I'm not a fan.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Kim's gossip habit blows up in her face. Sounds good.
Overall grade: C-
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