America's Next Top Model - Season 1, Episode 6
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Elyse and Adrianne entertained visitors. The girls entertained notions of Elyse having a movie-of-the-week eating disorder. Nobody was entertained by Giselle, though, so she was sent packing.
New York. The girls rehash the elimination as always. Adrianne and Elyse don't seem too broken up about Giselle being gone. Their only concern is that a member of the Coven will have to move into their room. I can understand their alarm. Religion divides the suite even more than it did before, which the show "subtly" informs us of by showing the Coven (and Kesse) quietly reading their Bibles as Adrianne and Elyse discuss their tits. Can you say "tits" on TV now? Huh. I wonder when that became OK. Kesse comes over to talk to them. She seems to be the one bridge between the girls. Aw.
Morning. The girls head to the Wilhelmina modeling agency. The guy who handles the women's division is named Pink. No, really. As with all "experts" on this show (except Miss J.), he gives watered down and sometimes bullshit advice. Apparently modeling is competitive. Who knew? He also describes what go-sees are, and gives some basic critiques of their portfolios. Then he breaks the news that the girls are headed to Paris. They freak out. He also informs them that they will only be allowed to take along one bag. There's a lingering shot on Robin. Yeah, no kidding, editors.
Hotel. The girls have three hours to pack and get to the airport. Elyse joyfully interviews over some very merry music that Robin is having trouble sticking to the "one bag" rule. I also tend to overpack, so I can't pick on Robin for this one. I like to have clothes appropriate for anything I might do while out of town, and this is when I'm going to freaking Kansas City, nevermind halfway across the world. Elyse, Robin, and Adrianne call their boyfriends to say goodbye, because it looks like they won't be able to call from France. Fucking Shannon is frustrated because she's never had a boyfriend or even a real date. I don't understand. Why aren't the guys lining up to go out with a raspy-voiced, big-toothed, moronic virgin who never does anything but sit in her room reading the Bible and lecturing others on the evils of homosexuality? Weird. "Please, Lord, send me a boyfriend," she wails like she's ordering a cheeseburger. She drools over a magazine foldout of a hunky, religious male model. We know he's religious because he lists his favorite book as The Bible. I want to know what magazine asks its models what their favorite book is like the public gives a rat's ass. The show's trying to be all sneaky about this guy, but it's awfully suspicious that he happens to show up in this episode. Whoops, is that a spoiler? No, because it was in last week's preview! Whatever, show. Adrianne interviews that she's happy about Paris, saying "This is definitely the best day of my life," in a tone of voice she'd use to confirm her 10AM dental appointment.
Heh. Cheesy accordion music plays over a shot of a cheesy cartoon map of a plane taking off from New York, and cheesy shots of the girls pasted in the windows with bobbling heads. That shot was so cheesy that I think I got my recommended daily allowance of calcium.
Paris. The girls have to give the address of their hotel to a driver who does not speak English, so of course this task falls to fucking Shannon, because she's so smart and sophisticated. Dumbasses. It's raining a bit, and I notice out of the corner of my eye that there's a motorist trying to dislodge a flyer stuck under their wipers by flicking them back and forth. Hee. The French are as lazy as we are. Kesse interviews that she loves Paris, and she really would like to escape the boredom of Arkansas. Understandable. Jeezum Crow, Adrianne is wearing the camouflage bandana again. Give it a rest, lady. Robin expected to see "people on boats with violins". Huh? Does she think she's in Venice? And even if she did....huh? Elyse's uncle lives in Paris, so she's been here before, and likes the city. The entire point of this scene? Paris is pretty.
The owner of the hotel they're staying at welcomes them when they arrive. He seems really friendly and likable, which is why it's such a shame that his establishment seems like kind of a craphole. The girls have to drag their luggage up several flights of stairs, and when they get to their room (singular), they are horrified to find that it's a tiny little space with three beds. No phone. No TV. Itty bitty bathroom. Even I'm cringing at how little room there is, and I can fall asleep face down on a hardwood floor. Elyse immediately suggests they draw names for the beds, because she knows if she doesn't, people will claim them. Smart girl. Name drawing commences. Kesse picks her own name and says "moi", and fucking Shannon has no idea what she's talking about. She's actually looking around the room for a girl named Moi. The producers practice some voodoo behind the scenes to make sure that Robin is the unlucky one chosen to sleep on the floor. Kesse, always the kind one, offers to share her bed, but Robin says that she can handle an air mattress. I have to say she was much more gracious about sleeping on the floor than I expected her to be.
Evening. The girls go out to hit the town. There's a completely pointless scene in which Robin and Shannon get sketched by a street artist who offers to marry Robin. They're grossed out. The girls have to change for dinner, and some of them pack themselves like sardines into the bathroom. Adrianne snots that she has no problem changing in front of the other girls, and infers that the others think that changing in front of other women makes you a big ol' dyke. Well, I don't have a problem changing in front of others either, but I might be a touch more reluctant if cameras were taping my every move. I like you, Adrianne, but get over yourself. She puts herself back into my good graces by joking around with Elyse about how to talk about her "cooch" in French. Robin shoots her a death glare, and schoolmarms in an interview about how she "doesn't want to hear that". Hmm, I don't remember you being so respectful of what people want to hear when you used the Bible to openly call Elyse an idiot back in Episode 2, Robin, so how about shutting the fuck up? Adrianne, of course, doesn't give a shit what Robin thinks.
Tyra meets the girls for dinner, and actually looks really pretty. She sometimes comes off as kind of plastic and artificial-looking to me, but she seems naturally beautiful in this shot. Adrianne looks really nice too. I like her in glasses. Kesse interviews again about how she longs to break free from her drudge of a life, saying "I want this really bad." Uh, oh. I've watched enough reality TV to know that Kesse is not long for this world. When the girls get back to the hotel, they discover Tyra Mail about a photo shoot in the morning. Everyone's exhausted, and as people try to catch some sleep, Robin starts blow-drying her hair. I wonder what it's like to be that blissfully hypocritical. She doesn't like Adrianne's language, but has no problem doing something that incredibly rude? Elyse agrees with me, as usual. Call me, Elyse!
Morning. Ugly hotel room, but with a nice view of the Eiffel Tower. The girls arrive at the photo shoot, and learn that it's for Wonderbra, so they'll be in their underwear. Fucking Shannon doesn't want to show off her body to a bunch of strangers. Well, it's a good thing she's not trying to break into a career that involves people taking pictures of her in varying states of undress, isn't it? Adrianne interviews that Shannon is completely sheltered. She's never masturbated. She's never watched a porn. While I wouldn't exactly decide someone's sheltered based on those two criteria, I can see where she's coming from. Orange Jay asks fucking Shannon about her opinion of masturbation as a general practice, and my eardrums commit suicide in protest. I'm just gonna pop over to the emergency room real quick.
OK, I'm back from surgery. My new eardrums are working pretty well. So long as I never have to associate Orange Jay with masturbation ever again. The photographer introduces the girls to the male model who will be posing with them, and surprise! It's Brad, the model that fucking Shannon luuuuurves. Fucking Shannon starts screeching "OH MY WORD!!!!" at the top of her lungs, like, back off, Annie Wilkes. When are you going to break Brad's kneecaps with a sledgehammer? "Are you the model?" she asks stupidly. No, Shannon. He just hangs out in random French hotel rooms in his underwear. "I believe so, yes," he replies, because he can't say "Are you fucking retarded?" The shoot begins. Fucking Shannon does look pretty good. I should point out that she's pressing her chest to his back, so you can't see her bra at all, which is the entire point of the shoot. Not that the photographer, the judges, or anyone else will notice this. Elyse looks phenomenal. Kesse looks scared to death. Adrianne plays with her boobs before her session. Keep it coming, editors. That never stops being funny. Her shot isn't great, and again, we can't see the bra. Robin's sucks too (though I'd say her underwear set suits her very well), and she blah blah blahs about nothing because she's in love with the sound of her own voice.
After the shoot, Brad invites the girls out to dinner with him, because the producers forced him at gunpoint to do so. He's not even out the door before fucking Shannon starts squealing with joy. What a freakshow. We cut to that evening at dinner. Brad seems very polite and cute. Robin intentionally draws Brad out into saying that he likes the Bible so that he and fucking Shannon will have something to talk about. Aww. That was actually really sweet. More Nice Robin, please. When asked for another book he enjoys, he can't come up with another title. OK, I'm over him. Of course he can't come up with another book, because overly religious people don't feel the need to expand their minds beyond their own narrow set of rules and regulations. That's what makes them such dangerous people. They willfully keep themselves in a constant state of ignorance so they can make all their decisions easily, pass moral judgement on others, and just claim it's God's will when called on any of their bullshit. Wow, where did that tangent come from? Anyway, there's this show about models and stuff. Let's talk about that. Robin pushes fucking Shannon into going out with Brad after dinner. Again, awwww. There's some slow fades and romantic music to make it look like they have a very nice evening, but I suspect that Brad thinks fucking Shannon is as crazy as I do.
When the girls return to the hotel, they get some Tyra Mail that informs them that there will an elimination the next day after some go-sees. The next day, they head to the Marilyn modeling agency. They meet Marilyn, who immediately hands them off to her assistant, Emma. Emma gives them directions to the go-sees that are horrifically complicated. The girls look totally lost and for once, I can't blame them. They have five go-sees to....go see, and they're on a strict schedule. They head out and split up. Robin would rather take a cab than the metro. We're meant to think that she's really spoiled for thinking this, but maybe she just watches The Amazing Race, too. Cabs are faster and more direct. The girls wander. Elyse gets directions from a cute guy on the subway. Robin recruits a Fern. OK, she totally watches The Amazing Race. Fucking Shannon gets to go-see #1, and starts talking really loudly to the woman sitting 20 inches away from her. No, louder than that. So loud that I thought something was wrong with my TV until the woman physically shushes her, and even gives her the open palms of "Back off, weirdo."
Kesse is totally lost. She tries to get directions, and gets suckered into visiting a shop instead. Adrianne is hopping over a subway turnstile. Kesse is sampling various moisturizers. Really. Given a task with a time limit and confounding directions, Kesse is spending time comparing skin creams. Elyse is up to go-see #3 before Kesse even hits #1. Sigh. Have fun in Arkansas, sweetie. Robin is at go-see #2. Adrianne is so very lost, and is standing around aimlessly, when some gross old guy tries to feel up her skirt. Right there in front of the cameras! Ew. She feels dirty, and is kind of stymied by it. That's pretty much it for that incident. I expected the show to make a much bigger deal out of that. Turns out that go-see #5 is actually the elimination ceremony. Elyse gets there first. Then Robin, who gives her Fern some money in gratitude. He seems pleased. Kesse arrives, not having gotten to all of her appointments because she was too busy buying Oil of Olay or whatever. Adrianne and fucking Shannon seem to arrive at the same time. Upon hearing that this is the elimination, Robin babbles some more about how since she believes in God, she's never nervous. Or something. Yeah, it made no sense. Adrianne and Elyse promise each other that they'll pretend to miss the other if she's eliminated. Ha! I want to hang out with them. As long as Adrianne doesn't talk much.
Elimination. The girls enter the Chamber of Doom (or I guess the Chambre de Peril in this case). Tyra introduces the judges, as usual. Beau! Shave! Gah! He's so schlubby. The guest judge is Marilyn, who spent all of fifteen seconds with the girls, so whatever. Elyse was popular with the clients (at the go-sees). Plus, her photo is really great. Hooray for Elyse. Fucking Shannon made it to all her go-sees, but was described as being too safe. Something about how being blandly blond and pretty isn't what French people are looking for. The judges love her shot. I don't like it as much, but I do have to admit it's better than her other ones have been. Adrianne missed one of her go-sees, plus the clients felt she was "low fashion" and could only model jeans. On the one hand, that's true, and on the other, so what? I think that more people buy their clothes at Target than French boutiques, so shut up, clients. Kesse also missed one of her go-sees, and says it's because she "lost track of time". That's one way to put it. The clients described her as "not right for fashion". What does that even mean? These clients sound like assholes. Her photo is OK, but she looks really nervous, as she has in many shots. Robin hit all her go-sees, but the judges don't like that she hired a guide, because they were robbed of scenes of her wandering lost around the streets of Paris. I don't blame her one bit, and I am not a Robin fan. Her shot sucks. She looks really pissed off at Brad, which the judges note. Ironically, her shot is the best one for showing off the bra, but nobody seems to care about that.
Deliberations. Everyone hates Robin for the wrong reasons. They say she's old, fat, and they don't like that she had help finding places she's unfamiliar with. Shut up, judges. Adrianne was really disappointing this week. They love fucking Shannon. Bleh. They really love Elyse. Yay! Keese was unimpressive.
Elimination. Elyse is safe. Fucking Shannon. Tyra rips her for being too pretty by American standards, as if she could do anything about that. Tyra says that she wants the winner to take not just the country, but the world by storm. OK, first of all...not. Secondly, Tyra, how about you take a quick peek at the NAME OF YOUR FUCKING SHOW? Stop making me defend Robin and fucking Shannon. It makes me feel all dirty. Speaking of Robin, she's safe too. Would Kesse and Adrianne please step forward? Kesse is pretty, but lacks fire. Adrianne has a "shell". Nice to see that the bullshit the judges piled on Naima was alive and well in Cycle 1. Adrianne has a lot of built up goodwill, though, so it will be Kesse going home. Awww. I have to say, I really like Kesse, but I think that was the right choice. Well, the right choice between these two, because obviously fucking Shannon should have gone home about 4 weeks ago. Kesse always looked a little ill at ease in front of the camera. Still, this was a hard one for the judges, and this is clearly the first girl to go home that the others will miss. Everyone's crying and hugging. Kesse tells them she loves them and wishes them luck. Adrianne's makeup is a mess from her tears. Oh.....bye, Kesse. If you'll excuse me, I've got something in my eye.
"Next week" on America's Next Top Model: With the only unconditionally sweet competitor gone, the rift widens between the Christians and the "pagans". Um, thanks for assigning that label to everyone who doesn't blindly follow Christ, Tyra. The girls meet French boys. A nude photo shoot sends Robin over the edge. It looks like she refuses to do it. You go, girl! Stick to your principles! Maybe it'll mean we can finally get rid of your obnoxious ass.
Overall Grade: C
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