Chef Overboard

Top Chef - Season 3, Episode 11

Previously on Top Chef: The show took a week off, and tried to lure us into watching a repeat non-episode with Ilan in it. Hah! Nice try. Before that, Saram ruled the Kitchen in the restaurant challenge do-over, while Tre made some awful salmon, leading to his surprising elimination. Seven chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. The string of Labor Day parties/BBQs took their toll on me, and to avoid feeling even more bloated, we had a light Top Chef night, dipping slices of bell pepper (aka the only vegetable that I'll eat raw) into fat-free ranch dressing.

Miami. CJ tosses a bit in bed as he interviews that he thinks he did the right thing by assigning Tre to be head chef for the restaurant challenge, based on his experience. OK, fine. What about telling the judges that you thought his bread pudding was boring? I mean, I think Tre's fate was sealed anyway, but let's not pretend it was all hearts and flowers. Hung was surprised at Tre's ouster, telling us that his elimination was the first one Hung feels bad about. Hung has minimal interest in other people? Shocking. Brian interviews that he's missing the comforts of home, from his wife to his dog to his restaurant. On first viewing, I gritted my teeth here, because that's some dangerous stuff to hear in the opening interview. Casey points out there are two women left. Thanks for the update. The chefs head out for the day.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs enter the Kitchen, where they are met by Padma and this week's guest judge, Michael Schwartz. He owns a restaurant. Standard oohs and aahs by contestants who are probably fed these lines about how awesome the guest judges are, but since it's pretty much the only way to hear about their credentials, have at it, Dale. He does. Padma says that this round is about food looking good and making the most of what you have. Um, isn't that sort of what every week is about? Michael tells them that food should look great and taste great. Wait, let me write that down. How often will I get such a perceptive, in-depth tip from a professional? I'll jot it down here next to "Don't serve rat poison as an appetizer." Padma tells the chefs they'll have to use some creativity for the Quickfire, then has them draw knives that have numbers on them. These numbers correspond to supermarket aisles. Aside from some basic provided supplies, the remaining ingredients must all come from that single aisle. Hey, that's a pretty nifty challenge idea. Well done. I'm less excited about the challenge's details: a ten-minute time limit, a ten-dollar budget, and twenty minutes to cook. Ugh. The chefs look grim. Padma dismisses everyone.

Off to the store! Howie has gotten the canned fruit/nectars/box juice/powder drinks aisle. Yikes. Although I love how "nectars" is apparently a large enough product category to warrant its own sign. Howie isn't happy with this development. Hung is over in the cereal/coffee/canned milk aisle. He wants to do something along the lines of something he made as a kid. CJ tells us he's in the "Spanish condiment" aisle, which has some nice possibilities, though as he tells us, there's really only so many ways one can pickle okra. Casey's in the cookies/crackers/bread aisle. Looks like she's got access to the jelly as well. She grabs some mango preserves, ginger snaps, and Nilla wafers, saying she's going to do a take on banana pudding. Dale is in the canned soup/dry soup/Chinese/Mexican aisle, which sounds the easiest to me. Dale disagrees, fruitlessly scanning the shelves for some good protein. He settles on Ramen noodles, black beans, and hominy. Fate smiles on Brian, setting him down in the canned seafood aisle. He's happy until he thinks back to Ptom's complaint that he relies on seafood too much. Since Ptom's idea of what's good and what's important changes every forty-five seconds, I wouldn't put that much stock in it, but Brian decides to change up his usual method, and opts for Spam. I've never tried it. I'm curious about it, though. Everyone checks out.

Back at the Kitchen, the chefs spring into their preparations. Saram says she wants to make "free-form lasagna", stuffed with white beans and sweet peas. Guess we know what aisle she got. Howie has already given up on himself, saying he doesn't like the challenge, and doesn't feel he'll be able to come up with something he'll be happy with. Grousing about Howie and his standards has become second-nature, but I feel him on this one. Ten dollars in the powdered drinks aisle? Hung is having far more fun, saying he's just playing around on this challenge as he beats some blue Froot Loops into dust. He building a little "Smurf village", as Dale calls it. The blue Froot Loops have made a river through brown "land", and there are domes of white, made out of God knows what. I didn't know Hung was capable of making something so immature, and that's a compliment. Brian interviews that he wants some of whatever drug Hung is taking. Pass some this way, too. Hung interviews that he just wants to express himself, because he loves eating. In fact, he "grew up eating". Wow! He ate as he grew up? He should write a book! Whimsical music caps off Hung's Adventures In Food Societies.

CJ is making curried potato risotto, and says that he went to add some sugar to it, but threw in a big helping of salt instead. Deja vu! Are there scores of chefs across the country who are continually having this issue? Should we dye sugar from here on out? CJ doesn't have time to fix his food. Howie is also having issues. He says he tried to make a sauce out of canned Mandarin oranges, but it fell apart. With a little more than two minutes left, the chefs go into their usual hyperdrive mode. With twenty seconds left, Howie decides that what he's made is crap, and pours it out, deciding to present nothing, rather than bad food. Time runs out.

Padma and Michael go down the line, starting with Saram. She's stuffed some ravioli noodles with white beans and sweet peas, topped it with crisped shallots, and the entire thing rests on a light tomato sauce. Nice job. "It's not as bad as I thought it'd be," Padma says. Saram gives her a "thanks a ton, snatch" face. Brian's Spam preparation is very pretty. He's made a sort of corned beef hash out of it, then paired it with fried egg, onions, and a drizzled balsamic reduction. Michael tells him it's great. Dale has mixed Ramen noodles with hominy, black beans, queso fresco, hot salsa, and has topped the whole thing with an egg, as he is wont to do. Michael tells him it certainly has a kick. So much so that he and Padma have to choke down some water before moving on to CJ.

This past weekend, I took care of a friend's cat while she was out of town. The cat has been having some stomach issues, with the result that it left a puddle for me to clean up that was so gooey, I couldn't tell which end it had come out of. What is the point of this disgusting story? Only that the puddle and the slop on CJ's plate look almost identical. CJ's is a bit more yellow. He's made his curried potato risotto with a bitter orange marinade, leeks, and hot banana peppers. He laughingly tells Padma and Michael about his salt/sugar mixup, which is really his only option at this point. Michael reluctantly takes a bite, then hurriedly moves on to Casey. She's made her pudding with the aforementioned mango preserves, Nilla wafers, and ginger snaps, and has also incorporated lemon and whipped cream. It looks good, and it sounds good. Hung's little food village is greeted by a phenomenally rude "What the fuck is that?!?" from Michael. It certainly is...colorful. There's a bright yellow egg sun, rising above a village made from cereal, chocolate drink powder, leeks, and whipped cream. There's a little drink (possibly milk) on the side.

Everyone laughs it up. CJ describes it as Candyland-meets-diorama. The only one not in on the joke is Michael, who seems to have had his sense of humor surgically removed, I guess to make room for his 1992 hipster beard. Hung knows that Michael's close-mindedness has doomed him in this challenge, and for once, his automatic condescension towards a judge who doesn't instantly love him is understandable. He makes a sour face, and the rest of the chefs give him a rousing round of applause as Padma and Michael move on. Howie tells them that he tried to make a banana mousse with Mandarin orange sauce, but it turned out so poorly that he didn't want to serve it. Padma's pretty much "whatever" about it, but there are disdainful interviews from Dale and CJ about how you should never give up and so on and so forth. I don't know. If Howie's food was really that gross, I don't blame him for not wanting people to eat it. So naturally, Howie's in the bottom of the challenge, along with CJ's sloppy, salty mess. The winner is someone who "took chances" and "made something look fabulous". Nope, not Hung. Brian's Spam wins the day. He's happy about it, because he hasn't heard about the "prize" that awaits him.

Want to know what "advantage" Brian has earned for winning the Quickfire? Well, in this week's Elimination Challenge, the chefs will band together into one team to cater an "ultra-exclusive" party. A party so exclusive they let camera crews wander around to film people chewing. There's some blah about the oh-so-sophisticated host and guests, but it's all bullshit and kind of boring to boot. The party will have sixty guests, and the chefs will have a budget of $350. No, that's not a typo. $350 total. So if the sixty guests don't include the host and the four judges, that means that each diner will get about $5.38 worth of food. In other words, this is one of those horribly-designed challenges that is clearly setting the chefs up to fail. God, I hate challenges in which it is almost impossible to excel.

And the bullshit keeps on coming! Brian's "prize" for winning the Quickfire is that he "gets" to choose who the team leader is going to be. Gee, what a great prize. Why not just offer him a few free rounds of Russian roulette? If he chooses himself as the leader, he sets himself up to be on the chopping block later when the strict budget leads to inevitably lackluster food. If he chooses someone else, he'll be accused of "not stepping up" or "pushing off responsibility" or some other such twaddle and be taken to task for it when the strict budget leads to inevitably lackluster food. So Brian's "advantage" is to be in an unwinnable position within an unwinnable challenge. Nice. This is why, if I ever woke up and found myself on this show, I'd start intentionally throwing the Quickfires once immunity is no longer given. Brian has to make a choice, and he chooses to elect himself team leader. He knows he's in a precarious position. Padma dismisses everyone.

Back at Chef's Manor, everyone starts trying to come up with ideas, even though this episode lost any pretense of suspense when the challenge parameters were outlined. Have I mentioned I don't care for this challenge? Let me restate that, just in case I've been unclear. The chefs try to come up with a number of dishes to make, and Brian fuses a few of them into mini-teams, like Dale/Hung and Casey/Saram. Howie will be working on his own (duh), and will be working on two separate dishes to make up for the fact that he didn't present one in the Quickfire. Everyone comes up with their own ideas for their own dishes, and although Brian seems perfectly happy with such a democratic process, Hung sniffs in an interview that he would have assigned people to do specific dishes. Sure, there's no way that would ever blow up in anyone's face. The chefs settle on a final menu.

Commercials. Er, why are there ads for little girls' dolls during a show where people call each other "dickheads" and say "fuck" in every other sentence?

Morning. Casey and Dale Greek chorus us through the challenge details. Brian fusses over the budget, as well he might. He's a little concerned about Howie, who tends to overspend. It looks like they decide to manage it the easy way, and just split the money seven ways ($50 per chef) once they get to the market. They've got half an hour to shop. Saram tells us that they're trying to put some variation into their menu, so that there's some vegetarian stuff, some fish, some meat, etc. Casey and Saram apparently have that condition from Memento where they forget everything the second it's happened, because they decide to make a dessert. Casey admits that this is risky. Howie has already gone over-budget by the time he's collected half of his groceries. He and Brian work through the basket, deciding what stays and what goes (and what might be covered by other chefs). Here's as good a place as any to mention that Howie works through this entire team challenge really well. I think having everyone gang up on him after he made Saran cry opened some doors. That, and I suspect that all the chefs are banding together in a "Wow, this challenge sucks donkey balls" kind of attitude. That may just be me projecting, but whatever. I'm going with it. Dale mentions that in order to save some money, he has forfeited some goat cheese in favor of yogurt and cream cheese. The chefs check out with 25 cents to spare.

The chefs leave the store as Howie reiterates that he's going to be a good team player. The cars approach some docks, and Brian wonders if the challenge is going to be on a boat. Howie has had experience catering on a boat, and isn't a fan. They've guessed correctly. Oddly intense music greets the chefs as they pull up to the dock. Padma greets them, and lets them know that they'll be working on the gigantic boat sitting five feet away. Wow, thanks for the info. I was so confused. The chefs grab their food, and head into the very cramped kitchen. CJ can barely stand up in it. The seven of them cram themselves in, then get started on their two hours of prep time. Dale works on cheese puffs. His yogurt/cream cheese substitution isn't working out as well as he'd hoped. Brian prepares some ahi tuna. Saram works on a tomato bread pudding. Casey thinly slices some beef by hand, because there's no slicer on board. CJ works on scallop/shrimp sausage on toasted brioche, and a salad to be served with it. He tells us that seafood sausage tends to be technical, so he'll need almost the full prep time to get this one thing done. Hung says that he has chosen to do a classic, making a salmon mousse to put on cucumber slices, then topping them with caviar. Sounds good to me. Of course, that may be because I have what Hung calls an "average palate". Ooga booga! I'll just be over here waving my club around before I go home to my cave to enjoy primitive things like salmon. He's also working with Dale on a chicken salad to be served on toast. So the chefs are making a slew of very simple dishes, which is, of course, all they can do with such little money.

Ptom stops by to Ptimewaste. He checks in with Howie, who's making asparagus and prosciutto cigars in some phyllo, and also some mushroom tartlets. Ptom seems surprised at how much work Howie has yet to do. He then wanders over to Brian, and asks him why he "chose" to be team leader. Um, because you essentially forced him into it? Douchebag. Brian gives a pageant answer about "accepting the opportunity to lead". I guess I shouldn't call it a pageant answer, since it made a modicum of sense. After asking Saram why she's making a dessert in addition to the tomato bread pudding ("because you need something sweet"), he's mercifully done. He comes out to address us, and whines that the chefs shouldn't be making so many dishes, because they're spreading themselves too thin, given the meager budget. It's a fair point, but you just know that if the chefs had done that, we'd be hearing a whine about how they put all their eggs in one basket, and there wasn't enough to satisfy a range of palates or whatever. Brian makes sure everyone is caught up, and announces the order that the dishes will be served. Howie reminds us yet again that he's been told he's not a team player, so he's "going out of [his] way to be less..."

Everyone at the viewing party: "You."

"...pushy or aggressive." Oh. That, too. He gets a little defensive as he reminds us that he's won a few challenges. Yes, and you've sucked at just as many. His mushroom tartlets are not pretty. In fact, they look like goose poop. Hung describes it as "dog diarrhea". Heh. That's very evocative, but they're not nearly runny enough for that. Wow, I don't think I've ever referred to so much animal excrement in a single recap before. Howie asks Brian to taste one to make sure he's happy with it. Brian tells him it's good, which is CJ's cue to interview that Brian is giving them plenty of breathing space, but isn't being aggressive enough in telling people if things aren't good enough. Brian explains that he feels his role is more of a facilitator than a boss. He's giving people the opportunity to succeed or fail based on their own skills. Sounds good to me. Time winds down.

Commercials. Ben Stiller and Jennifer Love Hewitt are both featured in this commercial break, and if you had told me ten years ago that he was going to turn out to be the more annoying of the two, I wouldn't have believed you. Ah, how time makes fools of us all.

We're back. A pelican looks just as disgusted with this challenge as I am. The judges board the boat. Where the hell is Gail? Is she ever coming back? At least she's not replaced by Ted Allen this week, because man, do I ever need a break from him. Padma summons the chefs to the deck to introduce the judges. Dana Cowin is sitting in for Gail this week, and Michael is still present as guest judge. That dispensed with, the chefs are released back to the kitchen, and the guests begin to board. Are there hoochie dresses? And how! The guests drink and mingle as the chefs finish prepping the food. Brian sets up a table with the food, then announces to everyone that it's ready. He tells us in interview that this was a mistake, because it means that everyone descends upon the table at the same time, like a plague of locusts. Normally, I'd say that they'd have conserved food by passing it around on trays, but since there's no staff available to do that, I'm not sure how he could have handled this any differently.

Saram tells a guest about her tomato bread pudding, which is topped with a basil cream. It's very pretty, though I'm not sure I'd like the flavor. Padma loves it. A random woman eats one of Howie's goose turds. The entire supply of food is wiped out quickly, and while Brian goes down to refill some trays, Padma is upstairs petulantly asking if there's going to be more food. Are the judges actively trying to be as obnoxious as possible this week? Shut the fuck up, lady. I can't believe anyone even has to explain this, but when all of your guests eat at the same time, the food goes quickly. Got that, Padma? Great. Next week, we'll tackle the alphabet. Casey is not enjoying all this chaos. Brian's ahi poke with shallots and pickled jicama goes out. Padma takes a bite, and a look of pure disgust crosses her face. Rut roh! Michael sniffs that it tastes like wakame. All right, then.

Hung goes out with his (and Dale's) apple/chicken curry salad and his own salmon mousse on cucumber. Saram takes Dale's yogurt puffs, which look a little sad. The judges hate the yogurt, and I'll save my fuming about that for Judges' Table. CJ takes out his shrimp and scallop sausage on brioche with the pickled ginger and jicama/radish salad on top. The guests seem to like it. Casey serves her beef carpaccio with watercress, fried capers, and a shiitake broth. The host tells her it's his favorite dish so far. Next is Howie's asparagus/prosciutto/Parmesan cigars. Michael says that it's ugly and greasy. Two guests salivate over the rumor of the upcoming chocolate mousse. Unfortunately for them, it's not going well down in the kitchen. Casey interviews that with such a restrictive challenge, they chose to buy packaged mousse, discovered that it didn't make very much, and attempted to expand the volume by adding whipped cream. It doesn't work, and the whole thing becomes a soupy mess. Casey and Saram pass it around to the other chefs, and they all agree that it shouldn't be served. Into the trash it goes.

The guests sip champagne, and give polite golf claps to the chefs when they emerge from the kitchen. Brian calls this "a huge round of applause", and I hate to say it, but...no. Padma thanks the chefs, then offers them some champagne. She also reminds them that they have serious matter to discuss at Judges' Table. Like how much bullshit this challenge was? Sadly, no. The chefs toast each other. The sun sets picturesquely.

Commercials. Georgia Rule is now available on DVD. I guess The Final Nail In The Coffin That Is Lindsay Lohan's Career wouldn't fit on the box.

Judges' Table. We get a pre-emptive idea of what the chefs think when they gather in the Kitchen, and Howie opens with "I thought every dish was good. I don't give a fuck what they say." Preach it, crabby! I mean, I don't know that every dish was good, but anything anti-judge tonight is fine by me. Out in the dining room, Padma asks Michael how he thought everything was. He calls it "flat and uninspired".

Tim: "Kind of like your hair."

Dana complains that most of the dishes were served on bread or toast. So the food wasn't impressive enough, certain ingredient substitutions weren't welcome, and there was too much bread as a basis. Wow, you'd almost think that there was an overly severe budgetary restriction! I'd like to issue this challenge to the judges. Take six dollars, and make a series of appetizers that will blow my mind (a single order of green beans at Ptom's restaurant is, like, ten dollars). Get the feeling I'll be waiting a while? Yeah, me too. Assholes.

There is some good news. Everyone liked Casey's carpaccio and CJ's seafood sausage. As far as the worst offenders, Dale had the temerity to not be able to afford goat cheese, and his yogurt was runny. Howie's asparagus cigars aren't a hit either, and Ptom whines that he doesn't like it when people refer to food as cigars. Are they trying to reach a record for Greatest Number of Stupid, Pointless Criticisms in a Single Episode? Because I think they've almost got it. Howie's mushroom tartlets also sucked. Since, as I've said, this challenge is completely unwinnable, the judges naturally conclude that Brian has failed as a leader. Padma comes back to the Kitchen, and summons everyone to the table.

Odd Asian music. Gong. Padma asks Brian how he thinks the challenge went. He says they "covered all the bases", which is sort of code for "nothing outright sucked, which is the best you chuckleheads can ask for in this challenge". Ptom asks why the chocolate mousse wasn't served, and seems to accept the reasoning that it didn't meet the chefs' expectations. Brian is asked why some people took on two dishes instead of one. Brian says that he allowed people to do whatever they thought they could handle, and that while he may be team leader, he's not these people's boss; they're chefs, not line cooks. This is an entirely fair answer, but that makes the judges look dumb, so they pounce on him for "not making tough decisions", because he "clearly thought" it was a mistake to allow people to take on extra work. I'm sorry, when did he say that he thought the people who made two dishes couldn't handle that many? Oh, right. HE DIDN'T, YOU FUCKING COCKBITES. Ptom looks to shore up his argument by turning to Saram, who did one dish. She gloriously destroys the point he's warming up to make by pointing out that she did attempt to do two dishes; the second one was the one they didn't serve. Hah! Dana points out her problem with the bread, and Brian duhs that you have to take shortcuts when you have such time and money restrictions.

Michael (whose microphone has stopped working in protest of this ridiculous discussion) says that he had problems with the color and presentation. Ptom attempts to needle Hung about how old the idea of a salmon mousse on cucumber is, and he picked the wrong guy to smarm at. Hung smarms in his sleep. He goes off on a long tangent about how classic some of the appetizers were, and how they've been successfully served for hundreds of years. Ptom complains that the chefs didn't put out their best. YOU SET THEM UP TO FAIL, YOU FUCKETY FUCKBAG. Padma asks Howie how he thinks his two dishes went over. Howie thinks they were fine. Ptom talks about how bad the mushroom tartlets looked, and Michael presses that Howie was all about integrity in the Quickfire, but put out crap in the Elimination Challenge. I've got the screen frozen here, and you can actually pinpoint the exact second that Howie decides these people aren't worth the fucking headache. Dale. Yogurt. We've covered it. Honestly, my brain just reached the same point Howie's has, so let's just summarize by saying the judges are full of shit, and by this point in the episode, I'm not prepared to accept their opinion on anything.

Anyhoo, Howie sees which way the wind is blowing, knows that there's absolutely no way to please these twats, and does the one thing that can completely take the wind out of their sails: he makes the decision for them. He asks to address the panel, and tells the judges that rather than risk sending Brian (who showed a "hell of a lot of leadership") home, he's going to withdraw himself from the competition. And...BAM! The judges are rendered totally powerless. Oh, Padma tries to make it seem like the judges are still in charge of the decision, but there's no way they could force someone to stay in the competition against their will, and they know it. I swear, Howie just earned back about 80% of the points he's lost with me over the course of this season. Ptom tries to sound disgusted as he dismisses the chefs, and a feeling of lovely, warm smugness washes over me as I see how utterly...neutered he is in this situation. Aaaaaah. Back in the Kitchen, Howie simply says that he'll be in charge of his own destiny, so "fuck them". Make that 85% of the points he's lost. In the dining room, the judges desperately try to convince themselves that they're making an actual decision, and that their deliberations aren't completely pointless. You and I know better, so let's just skip the rest.

Commercials. I know I like to rag on a lot of products, but those Glad steaming bags are great.

Elimination. Actually, there is an actual winner this week, and it's Casey. She even wins a real prize! It's a computer, and I'm informed it's a pretty snazzy one. Good for her. I have a weird soft spot for Casey. She, Saram, and CJ are all safe, and are allowed to leave the dining room. Now, the actual elimination. Duh, it's Howie. Please pack your knives and go. Can you tell I'm anxious to wrap this shit up? In his final interview, he says that he's not very proud of the way he's acted in the competition; that it put him in the mindset of being surrounded by enemies, when in fact, cooking is a "team sport". 90% of the points. He says that he has no regrets about his decision. He knows he's a good chef, and all anyone has to do to know that is to come taste his food. It's rich in sweaty goodness.

Overall Grade: D+