Mess Hall

Top Chef - Season 6, Episode 3

Previously on Top Chef: A bachelor/bachelorette party challenge offended Jenc and Ashley. The hot sun demolished a lot of the food. RoboBrian climbed the ladder to an Elimination Challenge win, while Eve discovered that if you're going to be on a show called Top Chef, it may be wise to cook something edible. Fifteen chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening credits. In addition to the familiar cast (wine, cheese, crackers, and summer sausage), LabRat cooked up some spicy Andouille sausage that he then declared unfit to share with the viewing party. Between you and me, I think he kept it home so we could hog it. Luckily, we didn't show up empty-handed. The Great Depression Cookies delighted all, as food shaped like letters of the alphabet is wont to do.

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Jenc is pissy, because the women's loss last week prevented her from being among the top chefs for the first time. Laurine says she's nervous, because she went to culinary school a long time ago, and made the decision to focus on a solid career, rather than being a "rock-star chef". At this point, I write down Laurine's name as being at the losers' table at the end of this episode, because that is some of the most naked foreshadowing I've ever seen. One of the themes for this evening, as you'll quickly discover, is that Top Chef is still one part cooking competition; nine parts television show. I'm confident the other theme will soon become apparent. Jesse worries, because she's been scraping the bottom of every single challenge so far, save the first one.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs enter the Kitchen, where they're met by Padma and Mark Peel, who was a contestant on Top Chef Masters, a fairly entertaining spinoff of this show that was fun to watch, and dull as dishwater to write about. It was disconcerting enough to just have Kevin, who closely resembles one of my friends. Now we've also got Mark Peel, who closely resembles another one of my friends. Two or three more, and we'll have a Twilight Zone episode in the works. There's one other thing worth noting in the Kitchen, which is mountain upon mountain of potatoes sitting on the counter. Padma explains that the Quickfire will be to create an "out of this world" dish featuring any of the many kinds of potatoes available. The normal time limit has been extended to forty-five minutes, I guess because potatoes take a while to cook. Jesse is excited, because she likes potatoes. Really? Wow! I never thought I'd see another person on Earth who enjoys potatoes! We're soulmates!

Padma starts the clock. Jenc grabs the mussels and focuses her razor-sharp concentration on getting her potato base seasoning right. Ron aims for snapper crusted with sweet potato, calling himself the Bob Marley of the kitchen. Ash hopes to impress with a sweet potato ice cream. Jesse works on a soup, because she loves it and finds it comforting. No fucking way! Me too! She likes potatoes. She likes soup. Don't even tell me she enjoys chocolate or bacon from time to time or I'm going to think we've been separated at birth. Mike works on a potato risotto, and lacking an opportunity to condescend to the inferior women in the Kitchen, condescends to us, instead. The audience laments that WonkaVision hasn't been perfected yet, and we can't transmit bricks through the screen and into his face. Ashley is attempting to make potato gnocchi, which is tough to pull off in forty-five minutes.

Preeti mixes asparagus and peppers with her potato, saying that after being on the bottom last week, she's really got to step it up. Don't bother, Preeti. After the look Ptom gave your clam-shucking attempts in the first episode, and the pissy lecture about swapping the shiso leaves in the second one, you may as well throw some raw potato on the plate and call it a day. Call it the Suyai Rule; once Ptom doesn't like your personality or the way you comport yourself, you could make a scale model reproduction of Big Ben out of potato and still get trashed for it.

Meanwhile... Minor drama! Kevin has told Preeti she could use his pot of boiling water, but it's gone by the time she goes over to use it. Not knowing this, she puts her food in Ashley's boiling water, which Ashley desperately needs. Given the type of people they tend to cast on Top Chef, it's resolved very rationally, all things considered. Preeti apologizes profusely, and while Ashley is panicked and very curt about it, she lets it go once she's got her food back on track. Jenc laughingly interviews that she, herself wouldn't have been nearly as nice if someone had screwed up her water. Ash realizes that his ice cream isn't getting cold fast enough. Jesse realizes that she's put too much cayenne pepper in her soup. Time runs out.

Padma and Mark go down the line. With no ice cream to present, Ash tells them that he's made a chilled, sweet potato custard with toasted pecans on top. Hehe. Nice. Mark says it has a nice texture, as Ash holds back a laugh. Bryan has made a vichyssoise with sunchoke and Yukon gold potatoes, and has included some applewood-smoked caviar as well. Sounds good. Mark tells him he's neatly avoided the gluey mess that it could have been. Preeti has aimed for "out of this world" through use of color. She's made saffron-poached banana fingerling potatoes and paired it with asparagus and tomato. It's a very pretty plate, I'll give it that. Michael has a confit of tuna with olive oil and confit of potato in chicken stock. It sounds good, but takes up only a lonely little corner of the plate, making it look kind of sad. Mark finds the potato underdone, but the rest is good.

Jenc presents her steamed mussels with Yukon gold and blue potatoes in a lemongrass potato sauce (with duck fat, chicken stock, ginger, and garlic). Yum. Robin has gone the breakfast route with purple and fingerling potatoes, white yams with pancetta, a bit of frisee and a fried egg on top. Hector is nearly unintelligible, but has made a trio of Latin-inspired potatoes, including sweet potato in fish sauce with lime, purple potatoes with ham, and fingerling potatoes with yeast, yellow chile, cream, and a slow-cooked egg. Really? Just plain yeast tossed in? Odd. Laurine has made a vegetarian potato "burger" with tomato, Swiss chard, and a mushroom bun with fingerling chips on the side. Mattin has made a beautiful plate of poached cod with little pools of puree. There are blue potato, Yukon gold, and sweet potato purees, lending a very "artist's palette" look to it. Kevin has made bacon-braised yam with potato sauce, served with asparagus, mushroom, and cauliflower on emulsified duck fat. Mike presents his potato risotto with king crab and mascarpone. Mark finds it salty, but Padma tries to soften the blow by giving him credit for a good idea. Ashley has pulled off her potato gnocchi with Hen of the Woods mushrooms and a homemade ricotta. Very impressive.

Eli has done a play on sweet potatoes with mushrooms, making a yam puree with pistachios, whipped bliss potato, and a bourbon maple syrup. Padma gets a pistachio shell in the mouth. Eli tempts Fate by saying that while he suspects that he doesn't have the winning dish, he won't be on the bottom. Ron has made some sweet potato-crusted yellowtail with a fennel and leek stew on the side. Mark tells him that his favorite part is the stew, and Ron grins, not picking up on the signal that the potato part of the dish should have taken center stage. Jesse is already beet red with embarrassment when the judges approach. She has made sweet potato soup with ginger, brown sugar, and cayenne pepper. I'd be curious to try a version of that with the correct amount of seasoning. I can't put brown sugar and cayenne together in my head. Jesse beats herself in the head. That's not figurative.

Results. Mark has been where the chefs are standing, and realizes that the time limit is the biggest challenge to overcome. That said, the bottom three are Eli, for tempting Fate (really it's for the sweetness of his food, but again - one part cooking; nine parts television), Ron's bland yam on top of overcooked fish, and naturally, Jesse's overly spicy soup.

Tiffany: "The Bland Yams will be the name of my next band."

Speaking of naturally, Jenc gets high marks for her mussels. Ash's custard is in the top as well, and the look on his face is utterly priceless. He goofed his dish up, pulled the idea to present it as if he meant it that way directly out of his ass, and beat out at least twelve other chefs. He tries to keep from cracking up. Rounding out the top three is Ashley, whose mushrooms were cooked perfectly and enhanced her potato gnocchi. The winner of the Quickfire will get immunity, but no shiny cash prize this time, I'm afraid. That winner is... Jenc. Mike calls this win "favoritism", because she's won all of two Quickfires, judged by different people. He'd be amusing if he weren't so fucking obnoxious.

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Elimination Challenge. Padma brings in a special guest. It's Colonel Dave Belote, of the local Air Force base. He tells the chefs that their challenge will be to cook a meal for 300 service personnel. Some of them are returning from duty, and some of them are on their way out, so this could be the last good meal they have for a while. He warns them that these soldiers have tasted food all over the world (read: "Don't assume they're rubes who will be happy with a bunch of greasy burgers,") and that they have nutritional requirements. Michael and Bryan are excited, because their little sister is in the Air Force. Padma tells the chefs that they'll be working in a single team, and will have four hours to cook. However, they won't know what ingredients or cooking equipment they'll be working with until the next day. This does not fill the room with glee.

Ashley: "I feel fortunate to be able to have the opportunity to cook for these people."
LabRat (as Ashley): "But I won't, because they don't allow gays in the military."

Back at the Resort (my name for their snazzy house), the chefs have a meeting to discuss how to handle the challenge. Mike may be a raging asshole, but he does have a very smart idea as to how to divide the work. Jenc will be in charge of the kitchen, making sure all the dishes are coordinated, while the remaining fourteen chefs split into teams of two, each of which will concentrate on their own dish. That way, if everything goes to hell, Jenc is protected by immunity. Jenc has no problem with that, only hoping that everyone is able to work well together. Teams are picked. Preeti aligns herself with Laurine because of their geographical connection. Geography also brings Eli and Kevin together, as well as a "fat kid" bond. Land mass isn't the only team-forming bond, though. There's also the matter of similar names. Ash and Ashley team up, as do Mike and Michael. Bryan/Mattin and Hector/Robin wind up together, probably because all four of them are desperate to avoid working with Jesse the anchor. Ron is too mild-mannered to speak up about his teammate preferences, so he gets put with her. He's not entirely happy about this.

The next morning, the chefs head for the Air Force base. Robin joins the chorus of voices clamoring to pledge support for this challenge and who they're cooking for. When the chefs arrive, they discover a mass of canned food. There are also no stoves or individual pots. It's mostly big ovens and enormous vats. The chefs despair.

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The chefs try to work out what they can possibly do with such limited ingredients and equipment. Kevin has worked with ROTC, and thus knows what to expect more than the others. Jenc collects each of the mini-teams' ideas for the menu, selects what she thinks are the best and most workable, and sets people to work. Michael reiterates how awesome it is to cook for the troops. OK, I'm not going to disparage this challenge, because I agree, it's an extremely worthy one. But please, consider the patriotism theme understood now. The second I think that, they deploy the flag-waving-over-a-bald-eagle-perched-on-top-of-Mom's-apple-pie megabomb. Preeti, you see, decided to become a chef... Because of 9/11. The only way she could make sense of those thousands of deaths was to cook. We never hear what the correlation between those two concepts are. Did she always want to cook, and the possibility of imminent death caused her to follow her dream? Did she just want to distract herself by thinking about complex sauces rather than terrorist cells? Who knows? You know, there's patriotism, and then there's just beating your audience in the face with spacious skies and amber waves of grain. They're laying this on waaaaaaaaaaay too thick.

Thankfully, we're returned to the food for a while. Michael is working on a soy/mustard pork belly, which he'll serve in a taco shell of lettuce. Since he's got that covered, Mike decides to make a simple salad with some poached shrimp. By the way, if you hadn't heard, Bryan's sister is in the Air Force. YAY, AMERICA! He and Mattin are making New York strip with cauliflower gratin and a mushroom demi-glace. Kevin and Eli are making braised pork with some potato salad on the side. Since they're both from Atlanta, they're going the Southern barbecue route. Ron and Jesse agree that they're both skilled at clam chowder, so they go for that. Hector and Robin work on a three-bean chili with chicken. I hope none of those airmen are getting on a plane right after this meal. Ash and Ashley find some very thick, almost brioche-like bread, and decide to make a chocolate bread pudding with peanut butter. Hey, guess what? Ash's brother is a Marine, and his father was in the navy, so he wants to do right by this challenge, so the troops can have a "taste of America" before they go. YAAY, AMERICA! Laurine and Preeti are working on a farfalle pasta salad. Laurine says it'll be good to have a dish that's both familiar and vegetarian.

The lack of equipment causes a lot of teams to run up against each other in terms of their cooking requirements. People freak out a bit, but Jenc has an iron plan that will get everyone into their needed cooking vessels in time. She directs people from place to place like an air-traffic controller, and does an excellent job at it. She's just the right level of strict, telling people to wash out certain vats for someone else's use, and shutting down pockets of distracting chatter that would throw the timetable off. Unsurprisingly, the only person who can't seem to handle the situation is Jesse, who is a bit hysterical in telling Mattin that he has to come out of the giant cooking vat so she and Ron can get the chowder done. No worries. Thanks to Jenc's organizational skills, everyone gets done on time. I may as well go ahead and tell you now that she will get absolutely no credit for this later, and it pisses me off. That would have been a total clusterfuck without her.

The chefs and their food are shuttled over to the hangar where everything will be served, and Michael says that emotion started to kick in for everyone, due to the importance of the challenge. YAAAY, AMERICA! Jenc continues her reign of kicking ass by directing where all of the food will go, as well as where all of the backup ingredients can be set for quick refills. Ash, Ashley, and Jenc don't have a lot of plating work to do, so they're going to fill in as helpers as the others serve. Preeti worries, because everyone else's food is so much more impressive than the boring pasta salad that she and Laurine put together. She's not wrong. Viewing party guest Tawdry Hepburn has been railing against the pasta salad idea since they brought it up. It is awfully basic. Eli thinks that Ron and Jesse's New England clam chowder doesn't make much sense on a hot, summer day. Be glad Jesse was able to turn out some food without burning the whole base down, Eli. Michael demonstrates to Mike how he wants his pork belly served.

The judges arrive. What the hell is Padma wearing? If they're going to spend an hour talking about how gravely important this challenge is to our identities as Americans, you'd think she could put on something a little classier than a skin-tight leopard-print dress, with come-fuck-me stiletto heels. I know this is Vegas, but Jesus. Not everyone needs to work the corner. Once the judges are in the hangar, the servicemen and women arrive. Bryan reiterates (though at this point, he's actually re-re-reiterating) how awesome it is to cook for the troops. YAAAAY, AMERICA!

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The service personnel begin to make their way through the line. Some of them have brought their families along, so there are some children in the mix. Jesse wants to make sure the entire meal is solid, because she's honored to be cooking for the Air Force. YAAAAAY, AMERICA! The judges pick up their plates so we can see the finished products. Mike has made Greek salad with cucumbers, chickpeas, olives, and olive oil-poached shrimp. Laurine and Preeti's aforementioned boring pasta salad includes broccoli, peppers, sun-dried tomatoes, and artichoke hearts. Ron and Jesse's clam chowder also has roasted corn in it, as well as celery, onion, and potato. Robin presents her and Hector's three-bean chicken chili. Kevin and Eli's "Taste of the South" includes Georgia-style pork shoulder and homemade potato salad. Colonel Belote looks delighted with it already, and he hasn't even eaten any. Kevin talks about the members of his family that have served in the military, and how important the challenge is to him and to the rest of us. YAAAAAAY, AMERICA! Mike hands out Michael's braised pork belly in a soy/mustard sauce. Bryan and Mattin's New York strip loin is exactly how I described it before. Jenc keeps the line flowing quickly.

The diners dig in, and everyone seems to love everything. The judges like the New York strip loin very much, and while Padma appreciates the pasta salad for being vegetarian and refreshing, it's not a creative or inspired dish at all. Hector and Robin's chicken chili has very authentic flavors, while Ron and Jesse's chowder is thick, but tasty. The judges question the wisdom of making hot, cream-based soup on a summer day, but don't seem to mind that much. Kevin and Eli's two dishes get rave reviews. Gail calls Michael's pork belly "super-mega-delicious", while Mike's Greek salad has undercooked shrimp. Ash and Ashley's bread pudding is a little dense, but is very satisfying. Jenc did a good job in her supervisory role. That's the most we'll hear about her contribution. Once the diners are fed, the chefs clean up their stations. Eli is confident in how he and Kevin did. Colonel Belote thanks the chefs for all they did for the Air Force, and Robin is happy to have done the country proud. YAAAAAAAY, AMERICA! The servicemen and women give the chefs a cheer. Ron calls the challenge the best experience of his career, because cooking for American troops is something he's always wanted to do. YAAAAAAAAY, AMERICA!

Interstitial. Some of the chefs talk about how nifty the Air Force base is. YAAAAAAAAAY, AMERICA!

Judges' Table. During their fret 'n sweat back in the Kitchen, the chefs talk about how much the challenge meant to them today. YAAAAAAAAAAY, AMERICA! Padma enters, and summons Kevin, Michael, Eli, and Mike to the table.

LabRat: "AKA 'Talent', 'Talent', 'Talent', and 'Douchebag'."

Padma informs the four of them that although the chefs worked as one team, there can only be one winner. Kevin gets credit for the pork shoulder, which Mark loved. Michael's inventiveness gets really high marks. It soon becomes apparent to the judges that Michael had everything to do with the pork belly, while Mike was in charge of the Greek salad. Weirdly, Eli's potato salad isn't even brought up, despite the fact that it was one of the most popular dishes amongst the judges. Padma asks Mark to announce the challenge winner, and it is... Michael. That racks up one Elimination Challenge win for each of the brothers. Padma asks the guys to send out Preeti and Laurine, and informs Mike that he'll be coming back for losers' table as well. The look on his face, as if someone has just punched him in the stomach, is the highlight of the evening. He's confused and pissed off.

Back in the Kitchen, Michael's win is applauded. Mike tells the others that he'll be going out again, and puts on one of the most unconvincing displays of "Whatever, I don't care" that I've ever seen. Jesse just looks thrilled that she's not the one being raked across the coals for once. Once back at the table, Mike tells the judges that he's mad because he just made the Greek salad because he had time and the overall menu was missing a salad. He doesn't consider that the salad has to be, you know, good, and seems shocked that they expected that. Mark goes on to say that the shrimp was undercooked, and the entire salad was underseasoned. Sound familiar? Once the judges are able to actually get across their point that they have to judge on what he presented them, no matter how unnecessary it was, Mike tries to cover by saying he's angry at himself, rather than them. He swears it won't happen again.

Now, we get to the part of the episode that really lays bare my initial argument: One part cooking competition; nine parts television show. Ptom asks Preeti and Laurine whose idea the pasta salad was. For no earthly reason I can think of, he refuses to accept that it was thrown into a team brainstorming session, and so it must be pinned to one of the two of them. To be fair, the pasta salad was uninventive. I've said before that any dish featured on this show that I could whip up without a sweat won't and shouldn't win any points. My problem here is that the judges aren't focusing on poor flavors or lack of creativity. They're focusing on the fact that Laurine and Preeti won't backstab each other. Laurine shoots herself in the foot even more when she says that she was focused on serving the servicemen and women, and completely forgot that she was taking part in a competition. Oof. The judges are predictably pissy with this answer, and continue to attempt to drive a wedge between Preeti and Laurine. They continue to fail. Padma sneers that maybe they'll just eliminate both of them. Sorry they didn't meet the high culinary standards of a woman who practically licks barbecue sauce off of her own caslapas in fast-food commercials, Your Highness.

The chefs are dismissed. Back in the Kitchen, Laurine nails it when she tells the others that all the judges wanted was for them to incriminate each other, but she refuses to do that. She gets a ton of points for that, not only for the sentiment, but for the fact that she was able to express it without resorting to the trite phrase "thrown under the bus". Deliberations. I'm going to skip them, because frankly, they don't mean a damn thing. The food isn't under discussion. What's really being debated is who's too boring to be on television. Laurine and Preeti are normal people who aren't interested in throwing tantrums, while Mike is a love-to-hate-him cockbite. Sure, he committed the exact same culinary sin as Eve, but we can't get rid of him, because then who will we laugh at and deride for the rest of the season?

Elimination. It's Preeti. I actually expected Laurine, but it doesn't really matter. Let's get to her final interview first. She says that she's learned a lot of things, and that to her, what really matters is pleasing the customer, not figuring out some crazy, cool thing she wants to try out on people. She doesn't have any regrets, because the experience just reaffirmed her commitment to what she does. What a healthy attitude. That's why she was doomed, and why it didn't matter whether it was her or Laurine that got eliminated this week, because neither of them was going to win the season. Nor will Jesse. Nor will Ron. Nor will Robin. Hector, Ash, and Mattin have an outside chance, but it's not likely. How can I possibly make such an assertion, when I have such a limited scope of these people's cooking abilities? Because no matter their skills, they're not Reality Show Winner archetypes. Sing it if you know it: One part cooking competition; nine parts television show. YAAAAAAAAAAAY, AMERICA!

Overall Grade: C-