Block Party

Top Chef - Season 4, Episode 3

Previously on Top Chef: Zoi and Jennifer? Still lesbians. Richard wanted to wow people with his culinary gadgetry. Valerie made crappy blinis for the zoo party, while Andrew's glacier and squid won the day. The elimination telegraphed from the first sixty seconds of the episode came to fruition, and Valerie got chopped. Fourteen chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. Feeling guilty over not making anything for the first two episodes, I whipped together some cinnamon sugar pitas and a low-fat cinnamon cream cheese dip to go with it. Not bad.

A time-lapse morning comes to Chicago. Andrew and Spike slap each other around playfully, while Ryan brushes his teeth, and Dale puts his contacts in. Don't feel bad for needing to forcibly pry your eyes open, Dale. I have to put mine in the same way. Richard's faux-hawk is already standing at attention when he wakes up. Jeez, dude. You ever wash that stuff? Stephanie says it was tough to see Valerie go, because all the ladies of the house want to see a woman make it to the finals. My advice is to not make crappy blinis. Andrew interviews that part of being a chef is being an entertainer. I'm not so sure I agree with that, but whatever. Everyone heads out for the day.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs come into the Kitchen, where they're met by Padma and this week's guest judge, Rick Bayless. I can't decide if Rick's had Botox, or he's just kind of strangely put together. He's got a lot of experience turning Mexican food into a fine dining experience, and it's with that in mind that today's Quickfire is introduced. The chefs will be creating an upscale taco. Erik interviews that tacos are indicative of the street food aspect of Mexican cuisine, and to try and reinvent them as a gourmet item bugs him. We'll see he's not alone in that assessment. Padma starts off the thirty-minute time limit. Chefs scatter, while joyous Latin music pipes up in the background.

Miguel has a lot of experience cooking in Mexican restaurants, so his idea to dress up the taco is by using cactus petals. Avocados are in high demand. Spike interviews that he has no intention of making anything but a street food taco, because that's what tacos are all about. Well, ignoring challenge parameters is certainly what Spike's all about. Andrew chops up some plantains and gets to cooking some duck. Richard is giddy over the "reinvent" part of the challenge, because he excels at food experimentation. He starts thinly slicing some jicama to use as the taco shell. Interesting. Ryan is also using jicama, but as a filling, along with some pomegranate and squash. Mark can't understand why so many of his competitors are making street food. Time winds down, and Padma and Rick go down the line. Miguel is the only one to get Spanish guitar backup music. He wanted to do a traditional T'A-coh. He used cho-RRRRRRREEEEEE-soh, made a quick pee-CAHN VERRRRRRR-day, and used toh-mah-TEE-yohs, along with some other Mexican-inspired ingredients with unnecessary accents. Just cause he's a native doesn't excuse him from the Ricotta Rule.

Tiffany: "Saying it like that doesn't make it taste better."

Lisa's taco doesn't look upscale in the slightest, and contains skirt steak, caramelized onions, grilled pineapple, and a cabbage slaw. Rick's teeth can't bite through the tough steak. Ew. Andrew's taco contains duck breast, and is served alongside a plantain jam with Cotija cheese. Sounds great. Erik has made a chipotle-braised chicken taco with avocado, pomegranate salsa, and some guacamole. Not only is that not upscale, but the pomegranate salsa looks like crap. Literally. Although Spike said he had no intention of even trying to make an upscale taco, he kind of did. It's ground pork marinated in sweet soy, with some chili powder, and a bright tomatillo sauce on the side. Ryan has grilled squash tacos, with chickpeas stewed in chilis. The last entry we see is Richard's. His jicama shells are very neat and pretty, and they're filled with avocado, papaya, and cilantro stems.

Results. Rick thinks there were a lot of good flavors to be had, although a lot of people simply made a taco without really considering the "upscale" half of the challenge. First in the bottom three is Erik, thanks to his messy plate. Erik interviews that "fine dining" and "Mexican" don't go together anyway, so Rick can go screw himself. Well, that's an awfully vehement response to a mild criticism. Lisa's skirt steak was far too tough. Ryan is also in the bottom three, seemingly because he wrapped his taco in a piece of paper, which isn't fancy enough. Um, OK. Care to judge on the food, Rick? On to the top three. Andrew's flavors were nice and refined, and his presentation was beautiful. Richard's had street food taste in a fine dining package. Spike's had excellent flavor. The winner of the Quickfire Challenge and immunity is Richard, which pisses Spike off. Apparently, Spike feels he can ignore selected parts of challenges and still win. Handy. Aside from immunity, Richard's taco will also appear on the menu in Rick's restaurant. That's totally why he won; Rick wanted the entry with the neatest presentation.

Padma tells the chefs to divide themselves into a red team and a blue team before they'll be taken to the site of the Elimination Challenge. Spike disdains the people flocking towards immune Richard, because they'll have a better chance of being eliminated. Well, that's true if you're selecting a loser at random, but you're not. Richard's been really strong so far, so it's not unlikely that he'd help propel his team to victory. In any event, the chefs eventually split into:

Red: Zoi, Dale, Ryan, Spike, Andrew, Erik, and Jennifer
Blue: Manuel, Stephanie, Nikki, Mark, Richard, Antonia, and Lisa

As Zoi and Jennifer interview about what it'll be like to work together as well as with five other people, we see that the chefs have notepads out. They also keep in constant communication in the car ride to the challenge site. Lord knows why. What could they have to jot down? "Ideas for Challenge: 1) Find out what challenge is. 2) ???" Only Antonia seems to get that brainstorming is kind of pointless right now. I think I may be taking a shine to Antonia.

Commercials. If my sister were such a shallow bitch, I really wouldn't care what she thought of my girlfriend.

Elimination Challenge. The chefs pull up to a very pretty, tree-lined neighborhood. Padma tells them that Chicago is a city made up of neighborhoods. As opposed to those cities that are made up of cheese logs, I guess. This particular neighborhood is holding their annual block party the next day, and the chefs will be in charge of cooking for it. They expect to have about forty adults and seventy children present. That is a terrible adult-to-child ratio. How can you hope to enjoy a party when everyone of age is expected to look after an average of 1.75 children? There's an added twist, of course. Padma informs the chefs that they won't be shopping for this challenge in the traditional sense. Instead, they'll be going door-to-door in the neighborhood, and must collect their ingredients from the houses themselves. One hopes the producers informed the people of the neighborhood about this ahead of time. Richard is happy to have immunity, as he's not "super social". No kidding? Tomorrow, the chefs will have three hours to prep and cook, but for now, get to knocking!

The chefs split into their teams. The Red team sends Ryan in on point, because he's the pretty boy. Jennifer goes with him. I doubt the elderly man who answers the first door is interested in either one. The chefs tackle houses in pairs, and everyone who answers the door clearly expects them. Jennifer ransacks some marshmallows for the kids. Ooh, good idea.

LabRat: "Keep saying 'It's for the children!' Nobody can resist that."

Jennifer also grabs some pork loin, and some veeeeeeeeeery conveniently-placed salad dressing, label side out. Why, it's the very dressing that sponsors the show! How lucky! Ryan grabs a bunch of some very delectable fruit. Antonia and Nikki find a lot of pasta at the first house, so Nikki hits upon the idea to make mac and cheese. Andrew and Spike discover one of those women who packs food away like a nuclear holocaust is expected next week. Surprisingly, it's not my mother. Spike hands Andrew a veeeeeeeeeery conveniently-placed barbecue sauce, label side out. Why, it's the very barbecue sauce that sponsors the show! How lucky! As they leave, Antonia approaches the house, and Spike tells her that they've cleaned it out already. This is a fib, as Spike gleefully informs us that there was plenty of food left in Pack Rat's pantry. He's happy about misleading the Blue team, but says that he doesn't really consider it sabotage. I agree. The Red team can check for themselves.

Back at the cars, the teams look over their groceries and try to decide what to do. Richard interviews that the Blue team is going to take a more upscale approach. Paella is discussed. The Red team is keeping it simple, with foods you'd expect at a neighborhood block party, like corn dogs and sliders. Ryan interviews that although they want to make the people happy, he's keeping in mind that the judges have to be wowed, too.

The next day, the chefs stream into the Kitchen to do their three hours of prep. The Blue team's menu consists of paella (Richard), a slaw (Lisa), some BBQ pulled pork (Manuel), a bean salad (Antonia), an inside-out cookie (Mark), a "sexy drink" and some fruit cobbler (Stephanie), and mac and cheese (Nikki). Nikki wonders if she can melt the Velveeta she's gotten into a sauce that won't coagulate. Has Nikki never seen a commercial? Meltability is, like, Velveeta's entire selling point! Richard hopes making paella, which is a very atypical food for a block party, won't come back to bite him in the ass. Meanwhile, Stephanie is going to try and redeem herself from last week's chip disaster by making another one to stick in the fruit cobbler.

Over at the Red team, lots of meat is ground. Jennifer hopes that neither she nor Zoi is eliminated. Hey, have you heard they're a couple? The Red team's menu consists of sliders (Jennifer), corn dogs (Erik), pork skewers (Dale), sangria (Andrew), a Waldorf salad (Ryan), pasta salad (Zoi), taco salad (Spike), and S'mores (Nobody yet -- you can't make S'mores ahead of time, silly! These people would never create food that wouldn't hold up to sitting around for hours!) Erik interviews that there's no team leader, and that he works with corn dogs at his restaurant. He...does? Is the restaurant in the middle of a circus?

Zoi isn't happy to be stuck with the pasta salad. She quite correctly says that it's unlikely that a simple pasta salad is going to carry her on to victory, and regrets not saying something earlier. Dale is a little unhappy that they're not putting a more elegant twist on the food, as the Blue team is doing. I don't fully understand Zoi and Dale's position. If everyone is responsible for their own dish, what's to stop them from changing it any way they please, as Stephanie's doing over there with the cinnamon chip for the fruit? Why doesn't Zoi do something else with the pasta? Why doesn't Dale put an upscale twist on his pork? The challenge is simply to make good food. It doesn't have to be an entirely cohesive menu, and I doubt the rest of the team would fight that hard for something as banal as pasta salad.

Ptom stops by to Ptimewaste. Nikki explains that the "sexy drink" is simple syrup with lavender and fresh citrus that will be carbonated at the block party. Ooh, I'm getting all turned on! Ptom asks her what makes it sexy, and she laughs that it's the lavender. Okay, then. Erik tells Ptom that he's very comfortable with corn dogs, and that the Red team is putting forth a real team effort on each of the dishes. Ryan tells Ptom his Waldorf salad is vinegar-based instead of the more traditional mayonnaise-based. Ptom tells Ryan that mayonnaise is generally what keeps everything fresh, and Ryan stares at him with a deer-in-the-headlights look. Ryan really needs to settle down by the fire some snowy evening with a food dictionary. Jennifer tries to cover by saying that the roasted apples will provide the creamy element. Huh? Time begins to wind down, and the chefs pack everything up for transport. Nikki worries that her mac and cheese's sauce will dry out as it sits for hours. Erik worries that the sitting time will make his corn dogs soggy. Don't worry, guys. I'm sure the laws of physics will reverse themselves to cut you a break. Time runs out. Ryan reminds us that somebody's going to be eliminated. Thanks for reminding me. I had forgotten, what with the way it happens every week.

Commercials. If you liked watching vapid, spoiled women wander around California being boring, you'll love watching vapid, spoiled women wander around New York being boring!

The block party is in full swing, and someone has drawn a very fetching "Welcome, Top Chef" picture on the street in chalk, complete with chef's hat and knife. Oh, my God, they've got a dunking booth. I love dunking booths! I often wish I could have sat in one. I'm confident I could be insulting enough to get people to throw things. People walk their dogs, a kid whales on a pinata, and the whole thing looks like grand fun. Spike hopes to impress everyone. The chefs only have twenty minutes to set everything up, so it's a bit of a frenzy. Andrew's jazzed to serve the people their own food. The neighborhood folks line up, and cheer on both teams. As Erik feared, his corn dogs have gotten soggy, though not to the point that he thinks they need to be tossed. And as Nikki feared, her mac and cheese has dried up, and looks as disgusting as her mushrooms did last week. I hope nobody drew Nikki in the office Top Chef pool. She tries to hide it from the neighborhood with aluminum foil, and adds as much cream and butter as she can to soften it up. Some neighborhood folks tend their own grills, adding some veeeeeeeeeery conveniently-placed charcoal, label side out. Why, it's the very charcoal that sponsors the show! How lucky!

The judges approach. Feh, we've got Ted Allen this week instead of Gail. I swear, I used to like him. It's just that he's become increasingly tiresome in his guest judge spots, and capped it off with that inexcusable attack on Saran. The bloom's off this rose. Bring Gail back! Everyone starts eating. Manuel reiterates that the Blue team wants to provide a more upscale experience, not just with the food, but with the plating. They're trying to get as far away from buffet style as they can. Spike hand-fires the S'mores for the Red team. S'mores are always good for a "yaaaaay!", and the crowd does not disappoint. A lady recognizes her peaches in the sangria. Andrew interviews that the Red team really got the whole concept of the block party down. Richard explains to Ted that the Blue team's paella has clams, oysters, sausage, and shrimp in it. Sounds good to me. The Blue team also has ribs with Mexican chocolate barbecue sauce. That's the first I've heard of it, but okay. That sounds tasty. Stephanie presents the fruit crumble with her cinnamon sugar wontons.

Nikki gives Ptom and Rick her mac and cheese, which is topped with bacon and breadcrumbs. The blue team also hands over their inside-out cookie, which is a chocolate chip cookie rolled in crushed Oreo cookie, and then the inside of the Oreo is used to make a cream for a smiley face on top. Stephanie prepares a "sexy drink" for them, and interviews that the judges tend to walk away before eating, so the chefs have no idea of how they did. Padma and Ted get some cold taco salad from the Red team. It has chorizo, avocado, shrimp, jalapeno, cabbage, and some lime dressing. Jennifer's sliders are ground beef with a little bit of turkey, some bacon, and a Provolone cheese sauce. Dale presents his grilled pork tenderloin kebabs, which are served with charred pineapple, red onion, and a smoked red curry barbecue sauce. That sounds so good. Spike prepares some S'mores for the judges. Padma, graceful as ever, drops a glob of marshmallow out of her mouth, and onto Ted's shoe.

Rick and Ptom get some of Ryan's chicken Waldorf salad and Erik's corn dogs with pomegranate ketchup and spicy mustard. The Red team also has a entire dip bar set up, which is a good idea. Zoi stirs her pasta salad. Some kids jump in a moon bounce. Aw, they've got a moon bounce, too? I wish my neighborhood threw parties like this. The judges withdraw to compare notes. A neighborhood lady says she liked Dale's pork, but was disappointed in the Blue team's paella. Some guy liked Jennifer's sliders. Another guy noticed how soft Erik's corn dogs were. A lady really enjoyed the Blue team's fruit crumble. Ryan and Spike go to play some low-hoop basketball with the neighborhood kids.

LabRat: "You're traveling."

Richard is unimpressed by the Red team's sliders, but sees the way they're casually hanging out with the folks of the neighborhood, and worries that the Blue team got demolished. Antonia tells him that the Blue team worked their asses off. Spike climbs into the dunking booth, but Andrew cannot sink him. They're both confident that they really satisfied the neighborhood. The chefs take off, and Manuel interviews that it's unfortunate that someone's going to be eliminated, but that's the nature of the game. Thanks for reminding me. I had forgotten, what with the way Ryan told me the same thing ten minutes ago.

Commercials. OK, forget the food. The commercial with the multi-directional, pulsating, temperature-controlled shower heads really makes my mouth water.

The chefs wait for the results in the Kitchen. Spike and Dale are convinced the Red team did really well. Padma comes in, and summons the Blue team to Judges' Table. The Red team gets nervous. Spike tries to rationalize by saying that nobody knows why the Blue team got called first. Um, because this show's most tedious aspect is that they always call the winning team first? That's my guess! Oh, and I note the predictably-awful Titles Department has now reinserted the much-needed apostrophe into "Judges' Table". Silly me, expecting consistency, even in their errors. The Blue team comes into the judging room, where Ptom tells them the two teams were very close. He's disappointed in some of the food, especially considering the people on it. I guess that's a dig at challenge winners like Richard, Mark, and Stephanie. Padma asks if there was a distinct leader, and Nikki answers that it was more of a team effort. Rick tells Nikki that her mac and cheese sauce hardened into a brick. Ptom takes Richard to task for making a paella that was more of a pilaf.

Stephanie is asked what she did, and she says she conceptualized the dessert, and helped with the drink. Miguel's starting to sweat, although he will not speak a word throughout this segment, as is the curse of the No Screentime Club. Padma says that the judges loved the drink, and the Blue team wins by a small margin, seemingly based on that. Antonia's bean dish was nice, as was Stephanie's dessert. The cinnamon wonton contributed heavily to the team's success, and Stephanie wins her second Elimination Challenge. She's all over the board. She appears surprised, but recovers into a nice Reality Cliche pattern, saying something about keeping up her game. The Blue team is happy, but Ptom warns them not to be too thrilled with themselves, as they barely squeaked out this win. Padma asks them to send the Red team in. Stephanie announces her win back in the Kitchen, which causes Ryan's jaw to drop and Andrew to take another swig of beer. No hearty applause this time. The Red team trudges out, and the Blue team toasts themselves for not sucking quite as much.

Odd Asian music. Gong. The Red team lines up in the firing squad position. Padma informs them that they were the weaker team, and asks Ryan why he thinks this is so. "I honestly can't tell you," he says. Spike pipes up to say that he thought they kicked the Blue team's collective ass, and Padma shoots him down. Rick says that the judges all found Erik's corn dog a "universal disappointment". Erik, who you'll remember bragged about his daily experience with corn dogs earlier, now shrugs that they were the best he could do, implying there's not much to be done with hot dogs. The judges describe the soggy outer layer, and although nobody questions that it happened during transport, it's not like said transport was sprung on the chefs. They knew the food would have to hold up over time. Zoi employs one of my least favorite phrases when she says that they made corn dogs because they were trying to appeal to the Middle-American-with-kids block party aesthetic.

LabRat: "Yes! Keep talking about the kids, and you'll be fine."

Heh. Seriously, though, I hate, hate, hate the term "Middle America". It's almost never used in anything but an insulting context. In this instance, what's meant by "Middle America block party"? What do they serve at block parties on the coasts? Lobster bisque? I'm sure it has useful applications, but until it's used to mean something other than "homogeneous mass of uncultured, chain-restaurant lovin', WalMart shoppin', Bush-votin', gay-hatin' hicks", I'm not a fan.

Ptom says he understands what they were going for, but not to the extent that they'd "dumb down" their food. See? Ted asks if the Waldorf salad held up to the extent that it needed to. Ryan is sure that it did, because he kept the components separate and on ice until they needed to be mixed. Rick says that a traditional Waldorf salad is very crisp, and Ryan's had so much chicken in it, it went soggy. Although I'm somewhat impressed that the Red team really stands by the meal they put out, the bashing of Middle America continues, as Spike informs the judges that they have really good palates that taste food better than others, but the team was cooking for the neighborhood. Yeah, just give us meat-flavored gruel. Ted says that they can judge a jelly donut as competently as a sous-vide duck. Spike doesn't back down, saying that everyone on the team tasted everything, and that they really made the block party. Ptom tells them that if everyone tasted Zoi's bland, oily pasta salad and thought it was good, then they have really poor palates. Zing!

Erik and Zoi both try to explain that pasta salad wasn't her idea or wish, and Rick astutely says that they're really sticking together as a team, but when things are decided by committee, the results can suffer. Andrew manages to miss the point completely, saying that there's no way that the Blue team brought as much commitment and teamwork to the challenge. How utterly irrelevant, thank you. Ptom reminds them that someone's going home. Thanks for reminding me. I had forgotten, what with the way Manuel told me the same thing ten minutes ago. Andrew wiggas that they'd have to drag him out with security guards, because "this is mah house".

Kender: "Interestingly, we can provide those."

That'd make for an exciting scene, but no such luck. Padma dismisses the chefs. Once they're gone, she mentions that they were certainly surprised to lose. "I thought it was pretty clear that they were the losing team," Ptom sniffs, apparently forgetting that two minutes ago, he told the Blue team they won by the skin of their teeth. Ted and Rick agree that making food to appeal to the Common Man instead of the judges is condescending, as good food can be enjoyed by everyone. Ryan's Waldorf salad and Erik's corn dogs were the clear losers of the day, though Zoi's pasta salad is also roundly criticized. Ted makes the good point that even if Zoi didn't want to do pasta salad, once she agreed to do it, she should have made a good one. Back in the Kitchen, Zoi curses a blue streak, angry at herself for not canning the pasta salad idea when she had the chance. The judges make their decision.

Commercials. Wait, so is that David Beckham golfing? Does he golf? Why does it matter? What does any of that have to do with a marker? What toads were they licking at the ad agency when this was cooked up?

Elimination. Ptom tells the Red team that this should have been a simple challenge. Ryan's salad was watery, unseasoned, and unfocused. Zoi should be able to make a pasta salad, regardless of her feelings towards it. If there's one thing Erik should know inside-out, it's corn dogs, and he should have been anticipated their sogginess. He throws it over to Padma for the chopping. Erik. Please pack your knives and go. In his final interview, he tells us he did what he could, and that you have to take the bad with the good. Nicely Zen. He gets a group hug back in the Kitchen. Zoi looks guilt-ridden. Erik will miss the friends he's made, and wishes everyone else the best. Aw. Zoi says it would have been embarrassing to go home for pasta salad, but on a personal level, she wishes Erik could have stuck around longer. I heartily agree; there are far more annoying fish to fry. Erik leaves, and Zoi wipes away a tear. Erik closes by saying that losing on the show will not affect his career, which he expects to be long and fruitful. He exits with no bitterness whatsoever, a virtue that other people would be wise to cultivate.

Overall Grade: B