TV Dinner

Top Chef - Season 5, Episode 4

Previously on Top Chef: Team Rainbow came out, came together, and were blown apart in the span of about five seconds. The chefs made Thanksgiving dinner for the Foo Fighters. Ariane redeemed herself with a wonderful turkey, while Richard's goopy banana s'mores got him sent on his teary way. Thirteen chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening credits. Drinking Game Rule #4: Take a drink every time Radhika makes an Indian-style dish.

Monday Morning Quarterback Session. Ariane feels better about herself. Richard has left an emotional letter behind for his roommate Alex, who feels sad and alone now. Alex is getting married in a month, but promises to concentrate on cooking. Ah, the focus is shifting to a cast member who's been roundly ignored up to this episode. Guess what that means, kids? Jamie is bummed to lose her queer peers, but shrugs it off.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma and Rocco DiSpirito, who Fabio gently derides for being a phony Italian chef. Hehehe. The table is laden with breakfast items, which fills Jamie with dread, as she is not a breakfast person. Doesn't cook it, doesn't eat it. I rarely have time to eat breakfast, but if I did, and if someone else woke up early to cook it, I'd want it every morning. Today's Quickfire is to create a breakfast amuse-bouche. The chefs have half an hour, and Rocco mentions that bacon is always welcome. Well, sure. Ready? Go!

Stefan has a neat tool which cuts a perfect circle off the top of an eggshell. Jeff wants to throw all of his good breakfast ideas into this challenge, even though everyone is theoretically aiming for a single-bite dish. Daniel combines corn flakes and zucchini flowers. Weird. Ariane works on a stuffed French toast that is popular with her kids, while Fabio disdains American breakfasts altogether, opting instead for brioche and cappuccino. Leah wants to make sure her bacon, egg, and cheese flavors all make it onto the fork. Melissa ruins an egg. Time runs out, catching Carla by surprise. Whoops! Rocco and Padma go down the line.

To save time, let's just hit the highlights and lowlights. Stefan's huevos rancheros are overshadowed by the nifty way he's served them in the egg shells. I'd be concerned with the raw egg still clinging to the inside. Daniel has crusted his zucchini flowers with corn flakes, and stuffed them with a hash of potato, bacon, mushroom, and egg. It's still weird, but I'd be curious to try it. Ariane's French toast gets a favorable response, and she's visibly relieved that her success with the turkey wasn't a one-off. Jamie has put together bacon, lettuce, and tomato grilled bread, and topped it off with balsamic syrup.

Leah's a bit peeved that other chefs are getting away with two-bite or bigger dishes, when an amuse-bouche is supposed to just be one. She hopes that adhering to the challenge parameters will help her out. I almost have to rewind to make sure that a chef on this show realizes that ignoring challenge parameters can bite you in the ass. Uncanny! Her bite is bacon, quail egg, fried sage, and cheese on grilled bread. Yum. Fabio's brioche is topped with bruleed banana, and there's a big, honking glass of espresso cream on the side. He says that breakfast shouldn't be too heavy, and Padma points out that his espresso is so rich as to almost be pudding. Jeff has, like, three things lined up in a row, which would've been nice if the challenge had been to create an amuse-amuse-amuse bouche.

Results. The bottom two are Daniel, whose corn flakes overwhelmed the entire bite, and Fabio, whom Rocco wants to punish for having the nerve to be authentically Italian. Fabio grouses in interview that he should have listened to Rocco's hint about bacon, and next time, he'll just plop some bacon and "bullshit eggs" on toast, and he'll probably win. Heh. Fabio's really growing on me. Stefan had a great container. That's seriously why he's in the top three. Leah had a great arrangement of flavors. Jamie's dislike of breakfast doesn't hold her back, and she rounds out the top three. Rocco has a hard time choosing between her and Leah, but ultimately picks Leah, who scoops up her second consecutive Quickfire win. Along with immunity, she also wins a copy of Rocco's new book, which she accepts with a tight-lipped smile. I get the feeling that's getting tossed in a cardboard box in the basement when she gets home. She gives the Standard Speech. Meanwhile, Jamie is pissed, either at herself for coming close to a Quickfire win without getting it for the second time (which is fine), or at Leah for having the audacity to take two in a row (which is shitty). I'll give her the benefit of the doubt.

Elimination Challenge. Padma tells the chefs that it's super-duper important to have a high public profile as a chef. More people knowing about you means that more people will "seek out your restaurants, buy your books, and try your food". I love how "buy your books" comes before "try your food". This, combined with Rocco giving his book away as a challenge prize, makes this episode sort of sadly hilarious. I don't know whether to laugh or cry over the attitude that being a successful chef is about everything except making good food. As long as you're sufficiently pretty, or assy, or fight with your mother on television, or write books about how kitchens are akin to the TRENCHES OF WAR, or are the Southern equivalent of a black minstrel show, you'll be fine. Don't know rigatoni from radicchio? No problem, as long as you've got a nice rack that jiggles fetchingly as you whisk egg whites!

Anyhow, the Elimination Challenge is to create a dish that can be shown as a two-and-a-half-minute demonstration for a live television presentation. Despite my grouse just now, I think that's a really good idea. For a reality show challenge, that is. Not as a benchmark to determine who's a more talented chef. Adding to the hilarity that is this episode, several chefs immediately become jittery and nervous, because they don't want anything to do with live television. These people... People who cheerfully and willingly signed up to be followed by cameras 24/7 for weeks, taped as they brush their teeth, edited into a story arc that may not be particularly complimentary, have their every move and word eviscerated by sarcastic bloggers (ahem), and so forth... Are quaking in their boots at the thought of explaining food for 150 seconds. Awesome. Rocco explains that the recipe should be simple enough to follow at home. Not only is that more incentive for people to make something, but a more complicated recipe is all too easy to screw up as you demonstrate it. Presentation will figure into the judging, as well as the food. Fabio is not thrilled about having to cook and present something while chattering in perfect English.

The chefs go shopping for half an hour with a budget of $100. Fabio, Eugene, and Hosea all harass the fish guy about chopping and slicing their own fish, and he lets them have at it. Alex says he's the only guy who has enough guts to attempt dessert with a rose-infused creme brulee. Maybe the other chefs aren't spineless; they're just staying away from Alex's ideas this week because they've heard what's coming, too.

Back at the Kitchen, the chefs get an hour of cooking prep [I just mistyped that as coking prep, which would have been something to see]. Jeff works on something that sounds complicated, but will work out to be simpler than it appears. That's a good idea. I always like to feel like I've accomplished something when I try a new recipe. Fabio tells us that there is no way Alex can mix, cook, rest, and cool a creme brulee in one hour. Jamie is confident, as she's made her frisee salad with duck egg on live television before. She says her main concern is making sure the egg is cooked within the two-and-a-half minute time limit.

Leah is happy to have immunity for what she considers a very tough challenge. She works on seared duck breast with corn and blueberries, which she allows is an odd combination, but swears it works. I'll buy it; I once ordered calf liver in onion/blueberry sauce on a whim, and it turned out to be quite good. Radhika wants to "bring out [her] personality" with a spicy/sweet shrimp. I'm not sure if this particular preparation is Indian or not. Let's pretend it is. DRINK! Carla says her psyche will be destroyed if she winds up on the bottom. Ariane works on a beefsteak tomato salad with watermelon, feta, and other odd ingredients. Daniel says he's quite comfortable cooking in front of the camera, which somehow leads into an ambition to be in a movie. Time winds down, and the judges enter.

A small demonstration table is set up with a television camera pointed at it. Ptom, Gail, Padma, and Rocco all crowd around the person cooking and ask questions, which I would find a lot more disconcerting than just chatting to myself in front of a camera. Ariane's up first, and cruises through with no problem. Jamie, who has live television experience and has been kicking ass in challenges lately, is just a wee bit overconfident going in. Her ass is soon bitten when the egg doesn't have time to cook all the way. She doesn't know which is worse: Running out of time or plating undercooked food. She decides to plate the egg, but knows she's screwed up. She crosses her arms defensively and gets a sour look on her face. Alex says he's not much of a public speaker, and runs out of time before he's through explaining his creme brulee. Of course, he may have finished on time if Padma hadn't been pestering him with questions, but that's neither here nor there.

Jeff makes a malfouf (stuffed cabbage) roll with shrimp and muhammara (hot pepper) sauce. He does a good job, and his food appears to impress the judges. Fabio makes a good point, though, in that for the casual viewer at home (AKA his mother), "malfouf" and "muhammara" mean nothing, and all she wants to hear about is things like tuna, carrots, and asparagus. Hehehe. Fabio puts his charm to good use, and keeps the chefs entertained as he prepares his tuna salad. Daniel's skirt steak puts out a lot of smoke, but Padma says it's delicious. Stefan has the intelligence to make a completed pot of minestrone to swap in at the end of his demo, but he also has the personality of a mackerel.

Hosea sings the praises of wasabi peas. Eugene can't satisfactorily explain the difference between sashimi and sushi, which sends me off on an internet hunt (sushi is slices of raw fish, vegetables, or egg mixed with special rice; sashimi is simply the raw fish by itself). Melissa makes blackened habanero shrimp that are so spicy, Ptom has to go spit it out. Carla runs out of time. Radhika runs out of time. Leah runs out of time. She shrugs that she doesn't ever think she wants to do live television, and Padma and Ptom smarm simultaneously that she may have to. That's right, if you're a chef, there will be no hiding in the kitchen for you. You think all you have to do is prepare food that people will then purchase and eat? No. If you do not seek out television exposure voluntarily, you will be MARCHED ONTO A SET AT GUNPOINT.

Deliberations, Part I. Jamie's duck egg was raw. Leah had no confidence, but has immunity. Attempting to make creme brulee in an hour was unwise of Alex. Carla had a nervous energy that put Rocco off, and didn't make it through the demo, but her tortilla soup was good. Daniel had a lot of personality, almost to the point of mugging. His food was good, but the preparation was frenetic and messy. Stefan had a smart idea, but is as much fun to be around as mustard gas. Melissa's shrimp was beyond spicy. Jeff had a lot to work with but made it through with confidence and aplomb. Fabio is a dream guest for a talk show. Ariane hit it out of the park. Padma comes back to the fret 'n' sweat room and announces the bottom three, which are Melissa, Alex, and Jamie. The top three are Jeff, Fabio, and Ariane. Judges' Table will be the next day, and everyone is dismissed.

The chefs go home. Jamie cries herself to sleep. Alex crabs that he could have pussied out and made a salad, but wanted to do something more impressive. Ariane takes this as a shot at her, and points out that two-and-a-half minutes is not a lot of time, so she's not about to go out there and start sauteeing duck. Good for her, I say. Making a salad is pussying out when there are tons of other options. When you've got less than a commercial break to prepare something? Go for it. Leah tells Alex that he seems like he doesn't really care if he gets eliminated, because he's looking forward to his impending wedding. He admits that the competition is not the be-all, end-all of his world. Later, out on the patio, Leah tells Melissa that she's got to stand up for herself at Judges' Table, because nobody else is going to do it for her. Melissa tells us that hell yeah, she'll fight for her spot, now that somebody has told her to.

At 2AM, Ptom comes in and rouses Jeff, Ariane, and Fabio. Once they're all sufficiently alert, he tells them that the hosts of the Today show will be trying their dishes on-air and selecting a winner. That perks Fabio and Ariane right up. Jeff, on the other hand, is not super-happy to be serving a spicy, Middle Eastern dish to a bunch of ladies with unsophisticated palates at 6:30 AM. OK, I'll buy the not-wanting-Middle-Eastern-food-at-6:30AM argument, but "unsophisticated palates"? I'll give him Kathie Lee Gifford, because come on. But I have to think that Meredith Viera has eaten at some high-end places, you know? The chefs re-prepare their dishes. Meanwhile, the other chefs are assembled in front of a television at their apartment. The top three wait in the green room as their food goes out to the hostesses. Jeff is bemused by how many people are milling around outside a television studio in Manhattan on a weekday. Now who's unsophisticated? I kind of feel him, though. I went out for brunch in New York on a Friday afternoon, and was like "What's with all the kids? Go to school!"

Ptom explains to the hostesses how they'll be picking the challenge winner. They begin by sampling Ariane's beefsteak tomato salad. Meredith skips the watermelon, but all four make yummy noises. Fabio's food is eaten without much reaction one way or the other. Jeff's is met by confused faces before Kathie Lee makes a big production out of spitting it out. Why is she still on television, by the way? Who still likes her? The chefs back at the apartment make "Oh No She Di'int!" faces. Fabio says it's bad news when someone spits your food out, but again, it's Kathie Lee Gifford. I doubt many of us are anxious to emulate her or her tastes. The hostesses huddle up to choose a winner, and pick Ariane. She jumps up and down in jubilation backstage. Jeff and Fabio give her high-fives. Carla cheers for her back at the apartment. I'm still loving Carla these days. LabRat pointed out that she's that rare person on television who actually appears genuine, and isn't putting on some giant front for the cameras. Meredith comes back to congratulate Ariane (and the other two as well), and Ariane interviews that after this challenge and the Thanksgiving one, she's been pulled out of her Whirlpool of Despair. Good, because watching that was no fun.

Judges' Table. The top three come out to be congratulated one final time. Rocco gets to present Ariane with a special gift as challenge winner, and says that "nothing makes [him] happier than tools". He gives her a kit with about twenty-four kitchen implements in it.

LabRat: "I don't think those are the kind of 'tool' Rocco likes."

Ariane is also told that as winner, she'll be presenting a dish live on the Today show the morning after this episode of Top Chef airs. I'm not a morning person, so with all due respect to Ariane, I skipped it, deeming some extra Z's before having to get up for work far more appealing. She's very happy and excited.

Odd Asian music. Gong. Melissa, Jamie, and Alex come out to face the judges. Melissa likes spicy food, but understands that it may have been too hot for the judges. They don't even believe her statement that she tasted it, as the sheer heat rendered the judges nearly comatose. Gail says that Melissa shouldn't have used habanero, as it's a pepper too hot to be played around with by people at home. I bit into a habanero-stuffed olive once by accident, and oh my God. I like spicy food, but I was ready to dunk my head in a bucket of ice water. Jamie admits she got frazzled by the time limit. Ptom tells her that flipping the egg would have helped cook it faster. Jamie nods and says she's learned from her mistakes. Rocco points out how grim and angry she looked when she didn't do well, and she explains that she was angry at herself, not the judges.

Alex wanted to stand out by doing something different and to push himself. He says that's the whole point of the competition, and Ptom smarms (he's certainly full of that tonight, isn't he?) that the whole point of the competition is to win. Sure, Ptom, because you've never torn into someone for playing things too safe. I must be imagining those twenty episodes. Still, Alex should have known better than to prepare a dish that couldn't be made within the hour time limit, and he says that he didn't know what he was thinking, and set himself up for failure. He kicks himself for trying something so risky when the challenge called for something simple. It seems to me like he's hinting to the judges that he'd be okay with elimination, but I don't know that for sure.

Padma asks if anyone's got anything else to add, and Melissa remembers that she was supposed to stick up for herself, and intimate to the judges that she has more ambition than Alex. Unfortunately, Melissa's too meek to do something that venomous, so she just tells the judges that she really wants to be there. Then she repeats it about four times. The judges even give her an opening, asking if she thinks that means someone else doesn't want to remain in the competition, but she doesn't take the opportunity. Not that I think she should; that'd be supremely douchey. It's just that "I really want to be here. Really. A lot. Really." is not what I'd call standing up for yourself. Alex admits again that he messed the challenge up, and when asked why he should stay, says that he's a lot better than what he's shown so far. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations, Part II. All three of the losing chefs delivered inedible dishes. Jamie's egg was close to being good, but the execution was way off. Plus, her presentation sucked. Melissa was defensive of the amount of spice she put in, but Rocco says that it wasn't acceptable by any standard. Meanwhile, Melissa is talking to Fabio and Hosea, pretending she delivered some sort of Clarence Darrow defense of herself and some stunning indictment of Alex. Um, not. She was so mousy, even Alex isn't sure if she was trying to "throw him under the bus" or not. DRINK! Jamie points out that even if she is, it's too late for her now. He still thinks it's a fucked up thing to do, using the bus metaphor again. DRINK! The judges are saying that there's no way Alex could have made the dish work, given the time limit. They reach a decision.

Hey, remember that exceedingly weird two-second segment where Leah and Hosea flirted, and then it inexplicably went back to commercial? Welcome to the sequel. At least in this one, Carla makes an encouraging naughty face, like, "Get it, girl!" Heh.

Elimination. Melissa's food was just far too hot. Alex couldn't complete the task as given. Jamie presented a raw egg and a poor performance. Ptom throws it over to Padma for the chop. Alex, please pack your knives and go. The foghorn never lies! Naturally, Carla is the first to give him a good-bye hug. I'm telling you, she's awesome. There's no way in hell she'll win the season, as Ptom has no use for nice people, but I'll enjoy her while I can. Alex regrets taking such a big risk, but looks forward to heading home to be with his fiancee. So, he's fairly happy to go, and the other chefs are fairly happy to stay. Everyone wins!

Overall Grade: B+