Zoo Food

Top Chef - Season 4, Episode 2

Previously on Top Chef: Sixteen chefs arrived in Chicago to prove that they're interesting enough to fight on TV. Oh, and they think they can cook, too. Jennifer and Zoi admitted they toss the tuna in places besides the kitchen. Stephanie's hands nervously shook out of control, but she needn't have worried, as her duck platter won the first Elimination Challenge. Mark's dish was unimpressive, but since Nimma's taste buds are all set to Bitter, she was unable to season anything properly, and got booted. Fifteen chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. Um, we weren't at our best this week. Still fighting hangovers from St. Patrick's Day, the best anyone could rustle up was some cheese and crackers.

A lovely morning dawns on Chicago. Dale and Spike rouse themselves out of bed, while Stephanie and Valerie do some morning exercise. Last season's chefs were big on exercise, too. Were I in their place, I'd be getting as much sleep as I could. Stephanie is happy to have proved herself to the others by winning the first Elimination Challenge, but is realistic about winning more. That's refreshing. God knows, we've certainly had plenty of "I won one challenge, so I am going to DOMINATE this entire competition!" Valerie interviews that she and Stephanie worked together many years ago, so she's relieved that she's got a friend in the house. Oh, for fuck's sake. We're not even two minutes into the episode, and we already know how it's going to end. So Valerie and Stephanie are friends? Well, this couldn't possibly turn out the way it did when Dale and Saran told us they were friends. Or when Casey and Lia told us they were friends. Or when Casey said she and Tre had a brother/sister relationship. Or when Marisa and Josie told us they were friends. Or when... Well, you get the drift. I hate, hate, hate this editing tactic. I suppose it's supposed to offer some wry, ironic comment on the state of friendship in a competition, but it's been done so much, all it does is kill any suspense the episode may have had.

In the Kitchen, Spike is telling Mark that he was sad to see Nimma go. It must be because of all that mad phat socializing she did. Spike says he thought it was going to be Mark eliminated, and I can't tell how serious he is. Mark laughs it off, but was humbled by his low placement. He's ready to kick ass in today's Quickfire. Jennifer and Zoi decide to keep a little distance between them, lest they not appear like they're actually competing against each other. Everyone trudges out for the day.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs meet Padma at a Farmer's Market, where she explains that they'll be creating an entree with ingredients found here. Ryan and Valerie are pleased, the latter because she frequents this market all the time. Wow, Valerie's in great shape! And she's got a friend in the house. I'll bet she's in this competition for the long haul! Padma says that the Quickfire does have a catch. The entire entree cannot be composed of more than five ingredients (although salt, pepper, sugar, and oil won't count towards the five). Anything else, whether bought at the market or taken from the Kitchen will count. They'll have $25 and 30 minutes to shop, and the winner will get immunity in the upcoming Elimination Challenge. Spike grins. He's got odd teeth. Padma lets them loose, and the chefs stampede for the market, almost trampling some kids. Heh.

Everyone tries to take stock before deciding what to buy. "Are these all the tomatoes you have?" Jennifer asks a vendor who's got about a hundred visible. How many are you planning on using, Jennifer? Spike isn't even bothering with that, taking some time out to enjoy a guitarist. He basically doesn't care if he does well in the Quickfire or not. Richard buys some eucalyptus. Mark has a lot of issues, from bumping people to not wanting to wait in line to messing with a vendor's stuff, which she doesn't appreciate. Dale disdains the people buying frozen meat. Mark buys some lettuce, then runs off without taking it. Dude, shop much? I understand the chefs are under a lot of pressure right now, but a Farmer's Market isn't the most complicated arena. He realizes soon after time is called that he doesn't have his lettuce, but he doesn't have time to look for it. Everyone returns to the Kitchen, where they meet Padma and this week's guest judge, Wylie Dufresne. He's a molecular gastronomist, so you know Richard is happy to see him. Padma reminds everyone that they're allowed to use salt, pepper, sugar, and oil without counting them towards the five ingredients. The chefs have thirty minutes to cook, and Padma starts the clock.

Chefs scatter in a mad panic. Dishes are grabbed. Vegetables are mauled. Richard comes off as a bit defensive when he says that molecular gastronomy is not "whiz-bang gadget-gizmo", but rather, using science to make food taste better. Whatever helps you sleep at night, sir. I'm all about food and all about science, but I don't think it's necessary to understand the scientific properties of cookies before you can make them taste good, you know? It'd certainly be interesting, just not necessary. Mark interviews that he's going to use butter in place of his missing lettuce. That's an odd substitution. "I'm out of pecans, so I'm just going to use pickle juice!" I don't know what he's making, so maybe it'll work out. It just sounded strange. Spike is unhappy with the meat he's purchased. Well, maybe you could concentrate a little more on examining your ingredients and less on grooving to the mellow sounds of wandering minstrels next time. Valerie interviews that it's hard to elbow one's way in to find burner space, which is at a premium. She manages. Everyone plates their food, and time runs out.

Padma and Wylie go down the line. Richard has braised chicken and called his entree "chicken soup", though there's nothing soupy about it. In addition to the chicken there is apples, apple cider, butter, and the eucalyptus, which he says is being used more for aroma than flavor. Wylie says that the eucalyptus isn't very strong. Ryan has tossed together lettuce, radishes, fingerling potatoes, extremely rare sirloin, and Dijon mustard. So it's a steak salad. Wow, complicated. Dale has combined mushrooms, shallots, radishes, butter, and an egg. Wylie enjoys the mushrooms. He would. Get a haircut, hippie! I kid. It's my latent tendency to view anyone who likes mushrooms with suspicion. Valerie has seared rib eye steak on top of some sweet potato puree and arugula, and it's topped with a tomato/peach marmalade. Sounds good. Wylie seems to enjoy it.

Spike explains his disappointment with the tenderloin tips he got, but he's combined them with apples, apple cider, rosemary, and bread. Wylie and Padma seem upset that they can't eat it as a sandwich. I'm confident in their fork-handling abilities. Erik has pan seared a lamb chop, with carrots and potatoes on the side, topped with mint and garlic. Mark has topped sirloin with peach cream, and it rests on mushrooms and turnip puree. Oh, I see how the butter substitutes for lettuce, now. Wylie likes the combination of peach and turnip, but what he really likes is Mark's hippie sideburns. Andrew has made petite lamb chops with peach chutney (damn, lots of peaches today -- they must have looked good at the market), onions, mint, potatoes, and balsamic vinegar. Take a moment to count those ingredients up. Yeah. Padma reminds him that vinegar was never part of the deal as far as freebie ingredients, so he's disqualified. He says in interview that he tends to be scatterbrained, and can only focus on so many things at a time. OK, could one of those things be a challenge rule that Padma explained twice? That'd be great. I'd love to watch Andrew try to change the radio station when he drives. He'd probably plow into a river.

Results. First in Wylie's bottom three is Spike, who should have been able to work around his unexpected beef. I didn't mean that as dirty as it sounded. Erik just presented a piece of meat, some carrots, and some potatoes, which wasn't composed or impressive. Richard's dish was oily. Richard is disappointed, because molecular gastronomists should always stick together or something. Now, to the good news. Ryan's dish was moist and juicy. So Erik is in the bottom three for an overly simplistic plate, while Ryan presents...a salad, and gets top marks. Pass the bowl, Wylie. Valerie pulled a lot of flavor out of her few ingredients (she's unstoppable!), and the bitterness of Mark's turnip played off the sweet peach nicely. Today's Quickfire winner is... Mark's sideburns! They, along with the rest of him, are happy to have immunity, and to be redeemed from last week's disappointing Elimination Challenge.

Commercials. I know I shouldn't be such an easy target, but this Shaft-esque Glad bag commercial makes me giggle every single time.

Elimination Challenge. The knife block is getting a good workout this season. Everyone draws a knife, starting with Manuel. Have we heard more than three words out of this guy? I'd forgotten he existed. He and Camille should start a club. The knife he draws has "Vulture" printed on it. The chefs are wary, hoping that nobody's going to have to cook and eat vulture. Dale pulls "Bear", and Antonia starts racking her brains to figure out bear-braising techniques. Ryan pulls "Lion". Andrew hopes for lion as well, because he... Can make a purring sound. Or something. Dear Andrew's doctor: Up the dosage. Love, World. He pulls "Penguin" from the knife block. Antonia pulls "Gorilla", which sets her mind at rest about having to cook these particular animals. The rest of the chefs pull knives, and everyone is sorted into teams:

Bear: Dale, Nikki, and Spike
Lion: Ryan, Erik, and Richard
Penguin: Andrew, Jennifer, and Lisa
Gorilla: Valerie, Stephanie, and Antonia
Vulture: Manuel, Mark, and Zoi

Valerie is thrilled to work with her BFF Stephanie. Nothing's gonna stop them now! Antonia knows Stephanie can cook, having tried her winning duck from last week's Elimination Challenge, but is iffy about Valerie. Padma explains that they won't be cooking the actual animals they drew, but they do figure into the challenge. The chefs will be catering a cocktail party at the local zoo, and the dishes they make must be centered around the main foods in the animal's diet. That's a neat idea. And if I were invited to this party, you wouldn't be able to pry me away from the Penguin table. Team Vulture is understandably less than thrilled. Zoi wonders if they'll have to cook decomposing carcasses and roadkill. That would make for an interesting party. Padma tells everyone they'll have three hours of Kitchen prep before heading for the zoo.

The chefs walk over to a counter, where there are lists of their animals' diets. Team Vulture is relieved to see that vultures eat quail, rabbit, small fish, lamb, and chicken. Team Gorilla's list includes leafy greens, root vegetables, fruit, eggs, corn, and grains. Antonia and Stephanie start tossing out ideas, but Valerie is more shy about contributing. They also talk about buying fish, because even though fifteen seconds ago, Padma said that the meals should be centered around their animal's diet -- their vegetarian animal's diet, mind you -- it'd be a swell idea to just go ahead and ignore that. Valerie interviews that she had some concerns about this, as well she might. We never hear her voice these concerns to the others, though, and she meekly goes along with their ideas. Team Lion naturally finds a lot of meat on their list, and Richard is already excited about using his gadgets. Team Penguin is obviously going to focus on fish.

Nikki suggests using honeycomb for Team Bear, which is a cool idea. She also explains that the Bear team is "Dale, Spike, and myself", so I should thank her for giving me an opportunity to make my seasonal plea to STOP ABUSING "MYSELF". Would Nikki say "Myself is going to the store now"? When she gets/got married, is she going to say "Myself do"? Not that I expect her to be an expert grammarian, but this and misplaced apostrophes drive me completely bonkers. Oh, and "comprised of"! Arrrgh! What's that? Oh, the show. Nikki says that she has to be tough in the kitchen, in order to prove herself in a male-dominated field. Even more so because she's on a team with Dale, who interviews that he's a control freak, and to give up that control is very unnerving for him. He doesn't particularly want to work in a team. Shocker. Next, you'll be telling me that the sun rose in the east today.

The next morning, the female chefs discuss which of the animals they'd like to be. They settle on bear, for the nice fur coat. Meanwhile, a wormhole in the apartment has made it evening in the game room, where Dale and Mark argue over which is scarier: vulture or bear. Mark gives the Standard Speech. Team Gorilla discusses ideas, and Stephanie interviews that she doesn't have a lot of catering experience. Yeah, I have to say... Cooking for individual guests and cooking for a room full of people to all eat the same thing at the same time are completely different animals. So, Stephanie is nervous, but confident that her team will do well. Valerie explains that Team Gorilla is going to do four hors d'oeuvres: lamb and edamame lettuce cups, banana bread, crab salad on a celery root chip, and black olive blinis with fennel and mascarpone. I can almost buy the crab, but I still can't believe they're going to throw lamb at the judges and think they've aced the vegetarian diet aspect of the challenge. Antonia is still skeptical of Valerie's skills.

The chefs head to Whole Foods to shop. They get $500 and half an hour. Everyone dashes around. A very sneaky editor plays Spike's interview that he's "molesting the produce section" over a clip of him picking up an extremely phallic squash. Hehehe. Lisa slips on some errant greens, and goes down right onto her kneecap. Lawsuit! Richard talks to the butcher, and interviews that Team Lion is going to be making bison tartare, a beet salad with goat cheese foam, chicken sate (that is, satay -- it's only spelled S-A-T-E if you're speaking Indonesian, so I'm giving the predictably-awful Titles Department their inaugural [sic] on that one, gray area be damned), and prime rib with horseradish foam. Those molecular gastronomists and their foams. Nikki makes Team Bear put some food back so she can afford table decorations. That's either a really good idea or a really bad idea, and I can't figure out which. Dale is unhappy about this. Ryan slam dunks a last-minute ingredient into Team Lion's cart just as shopping time runs out, then does a hilarious little happy dance.

Back in the Kitchen, the usual chaos ensues. Dale interviews that he has no idea what to think of his teammates, because you can't size up their potential until you see how they cook. Dale is one of those people who makes good points, but you try like hell to avoid agreeing with them, because they're so douchey about it. Nikki describes Team Bear's menu for us. It includes a venison loin with roasted squash, some seared salmon, blueberry-stuffed mushrooms, and cheese & honeycomb on bread. That's a very bear-like menu, so kudos on those ideas. Lisa tells us about Team Penguin's menu. Fish, fish, fish, and fish. Sorry, I mean Thai shrimp and crab salad, Spanish white anchovies with zucchini, squid ceviche, and a yuzu/mint flavored "glacier" jelly-mold made possible by Andrew's "thickening agent". Ew.

Richard plays with some of his gizmos, thoroughly confusing Erik, who's more of a "soul chef". And now "Soul Man" is stuck in my head. Thanks for nothing, Erik. Stephanie touts her banana bread as a necessary item in a gorilla-themed menu. I'm ready to make even more fun of her for the non-gorilla parts of the menu, but I love banana bread so much, I let it pass. Valerie worries what will happen when you make blinis ahead of time, rather than serving them right out of the pan. She thinks it'll work out all right. The vultures circling her head beg to differ. Ptom stops by to kick off the Ptimewasting segment. I'm not happy to see it. Nothing he says is of any importance, but we are let in on Team Vulture's menu. It's going to be braised chicken on a tostada chip, a Moroccan lamb meatball, and an anchovy on a quinoa croquette.

Spike pokes Andrew's glacier, wondering if its weirdness will be a benefit or a detriment. Meanwhile, Nikki's mushroom caps have turned black. They look disgusting, though we're told that they taste fine. Dale says that he doesn't want to serve something so visually gross, and Spike concurs in interview that they look like turds, which most people would agree belong nowhere near their mouths. Nikki suggests taking them to the zoo anyway, and topping them with something like chives to make them more appealing. Stephanie discovers that the chips she's made to top with the ill-advised crab salad are too soggy, and tosses them back in the fryer. Antonia interviews that they weren't cooked all the way through the first time, and Stephanie worries that they won't turn out, and that a small lapse in judgment could send her home. Eh, I'd rather go home for a careless error than a colossal one. Everyone wraps up their food for transport, and time runs out.

Commercials. OK, this low-fat chip commercial is kind of silly, but I'm a total sucker for cute little piggies.

Lincoln Park Zoo. Tonight's featured animals make an appearance. Well, all of them but the poor, neglected vulture. They're too busy circling Valerie's head to hang out at a zoo. The chefs walk into the main room, and Manuel gets a few precious seconds of screentime, telling us that they've got an hour to set everything up. I'm not sure if this extra hour was explained to them when Padma first introduced the challenge. As setup proceeds, Nikki wants to try making the blackened mushrooms look pretty, so Dale puts some extra cheese on top. He describes this as "putting perfume on a pig". That's "lipstick on a pig", dude. Learn your idioms before trying to use them to insult people. See what I mean about Dale? Everything he's said, from his reluctance to work in team challenges to not wanting to serve ugly mushrooms, has made total sense, but I still want to smack him upside the head with a halibut. Speaking of nonplussed team members, Antonia is not feeling Valerie's blinis. She interviews that she's happy to help execute them, but they're not something she'd eat or enjoy. Ouch. Valerie frets over them. Stephanie frets over her soggy-ass chips. Antonia suggests dumping them, and just mixing some greens and topping them with the crab for a quick salad.

The judges enter shortly before the guests. Padma, Ptom, and Wylie are there, of course, along with Gail Simmons. Yay, Gail! The party starts. People swarm around Team Penguin's station. Team Bear is hit with yet more mushroom woes. Dale interviews that a guest found them cold, so the team decides to just pull them altogether. Wylie enjoys Team Lion's beet salad with yuzu, ras al hanout, and goat cheese foam. Gail likes their bison tartare. Over at Team Vulture, Mark presents Gail and Padma with a marinated anchovy that makes me want to dive head first through the television to grab. Both judges love it, and also enjoy Zoi's Moroccan lamb meatball. Ptom and Wylie arrive at Team Gorilla's table. Ptom wonders what happened to the chips, and Antonia says they were too soggy to serve. The crab is no better received without the chips than with them. Stephanie frets some more. Valerie presents her blinis, and no matter how bad they taste, I have to give her some love for pronouncing "mascarpone" correctly. Antonia presents her minced lamb with edamame. Even if lamb shouldn't be on the menu, it does look very tasty.

Limecrete: "I loves me some edamame."
LabRat (with a heavy sigh): "You can't love to eat something after you spend all day dissecting it."

Poor biochemist. Padma shoves a handful in her mouth. She and Wylie agree that it was really good. Stephanie's banana bread is served with salted caramel sauce and a meringue, which sounds absolutely wonderful. Over at Team Bear's table, Nikki presents Padma with the Chimay cheese and honeycomb on cranberry-pecan bread. It goes over well, as does the soy-glazed salmon a la plancha (i.e., salmon that's been grilled on a metal plate) with pickled vegetables and peanuts. Padma again crams as much into her mouth as she can fit. Delicate!

Our glamorous hostess.

Gail wonders what happened to the mushrooms on the menu, and Nikki makes the unwise decision to let the judges have some of the food deemed unfit for public consumption. That'll end well. On to Team Penguin! Wylie is intrigued by Andrew's glacier, while Ptom clearly couldn't care less about it. Andrew has also made a very tasty-looking squid ceviche. Lisa presents her Thai shrimp and crab salad.

A zoo employee interviews that Team Penguin was her favorite table. Another liked Team Gorilla, with the notable exception of Valerie's blinis, which "tasted a little bit like dirt". Ouch. Yet another guest liked the tables that stayed true to their animal's diet (read: everyone except Team Gorilla). The judges discuss their impressions. Team Bear's mushroom was forgettable, and the Pecorino cheese clashed with the other flavors. Team Lion's bison tartare was good, as were their beets. Team Penguin's squid ceviche was a winner, and Team Vulture's anchovy impressed everyone. Team Gorilla is the clear loser, with their cold blinis and watery crab salad. The judges leave, and the chefs pack up. Valerie frets. Dale frets. It's getting a bit old, this fretting.

Commercials. I can buy the bonding-over-corn-chips thing. Just not the bonding-over-corn-chips-with-no-beverages-in-sight thing.

Judges Table. I note that the predictably-awful Titles Department has just given up on putting in the apostrophe at all, so there goes the one thing they consistently did well. Figures. The chefs sweat it out in the Kitchen until Padma comes back to summon Teams Vulture and Penguin to the table. They look nervous, but break into wide smiles and hugs when told they're the top two. Zoi gives Manuel a kiss on the cheek. The judges start with Team Vulture. Mark's anchovy was the standout there, though Zoi's meatball is praised as well. Team Penguin's glacier was a nice touch, and Andrew's squid ceviche was refined. Andrew thanks them, and gets even more jittery than he usually is. Wylie announces the winner of the Elimination Challenge, which is Andrew. He bends over, as if he's about to puke. That's happy puke, though. He's thrilled to have impressed a chef he respects as much as Wylie. Padma asks him to send out the losers. Andrew's win is applauded back in the Kitchen, and he tells the rest of the chefs that the judges want to see Teams Gorilla and Bear. He can't resist putting an SNL "Da BEARS!" spin on it.

Odd Asian music. Gong. The losing teams walk into the judging room. Nikki has decided to put on a pair of Yoko Ono glasses that do not suit her at all. Ptom tells the chefs that they called these teams out because they had the three worst dishes. Namely, Team Bear's mushrooms and Team Gorilla's crab salad and blinis. So, Spike and Antonia should be pretty relieved right about now. Nikki describes the visual problem with the mushrooms, and Dale is quick to pipe in that he didn't want to serve them, because they looked like shit.

Entire viewing party: "Shut up!"

He makes a misstep when he admits to masking the mushrooms with the Pecorino that Ptom hated. Nobody on Team Bear tasted the mushrooms after the cheese was added. They never should have served them at all. It makes me feel dirty to agree with Dale, but it's true. They should have just said something like "The mushrooms didn't work out, so we decided not to serve them". They might still have gotten in trouble, but not for crappy food. Dale tries to disavow any responsibility for the mushrooms, but unconvincingly tells Nikki he's not trying to blame her. Nobody believes him. Spike, in particular, mutters something about Dale fixing the mushrooms himself. See, I buy that Dale wasn't happy about serving them, but not that they were served over his strong protests. He agreed to give them to the judges, and he was the one who put the cheese on. I actually agree (there's that dirty feeling again) that Nikki should shoulder the majority of the mushroom blame, but again, his good point is drowning in his snide attitude.

Now, Team Gorilla. Land sakes, how tall is Antonia? Either she's an Amazon, or Stephanie and Valerie are tiny. Stephanie clears up my confusion about whether the chefs were informed in advance of their hour of prep time at the zoo. They were, which makes her pre-mixing of the crab a big mistake. Valerie says she didn't realize her blinis would get so soggy, but that there simply wasn't time to make them to order. The texture wasn't the only problem, though. Ptom says that the rutabaga overpowered everything, and that the blinis weren't cooked all the way through. Gail didn't feel there was much of a connection between the blini and the topping. Antonia is just standing there keeping her mouth shut, when the judges pounce on her. If she were forced to choose one of her two losing teammates to hire (based on these poor dishes), which of them would it be? Eek! Antonia answers "Stephanie" without much hesitation. The chefs are dismissed.

Back in the Kitchen, Valerie complains in interview about Antonia backstabbing her, which she didn't. Deliberations. Valerie's blinis tasted bad and were executed poorly. Stephanie's crab was watery, but she redeemed herself with that excellent banana cake. Nikki's mushrooms got off to a bad start, and Dale made them worse. The fact that nobody on Team Bear bothered to taste their food before they served it (which they didn't really, just gave a bite or two to the judges) is a real sticking point. "It looked like something a bear would produce, not eat," Gail says. Oh, snap! The judges reach a decision.

Commercials. The winner of the most boring Project Runway season shows up on the boring America's Next Top Model ripoff. Maybe they were hoping the two borings would cancel each other out.

Elimination. The judges lay the blame for the mushrooms at Nikki's feet, which is fair. You should have just tossed them, Nikki. Stephanie's crab salad sucked. Valerie's blinis sucked. Ptom throws it over to Padma for the cut. Valerie. Please pack your knives and go. What? This is so shocking! Valerie makes her most Rachel Dratchian face to date. She interviews that you feel good when the judges like your food, and feel lousy when they don't. Scintillating. She's happy to have made new friends, and wishes she could have stuck around longer. At the very least, she's gracious about the fact that a bad decision sent her home, and doesn't spend her last televised minute whining that the judges suck for eliminating such a burning talent. Go back to the ranks of Too Nice and Normal to Succeed on Reality Television, Valerie. It's not such a bad club.

Overall Grade: B-