And the Winner Izzzzz.....

Top Chef - Season 7, Episode 14

Previously on Top Chef: A season of Top Chef. More specifically, Kelly got eliminated, along with any hope of a satisfying end to this dismal season. Three chefs remain. Who will be Top Chef?

Opening menu. In addition to the regular grub, Panny and Phooey brought along some falafel and hummus. It may not have been Singaporean, but it was tasty. Be sure to keep your eyes peeled for Drinking Game tipoffs! Believe me, you'll need something to entertain you for the next hour.

Monday Morning Quarterback session. As you may remember, the final three chefs were summoned back to Judges' Table mere moments after it ended. When they go back out, they discover that the knife block has been set up. Padma tells them that in order to give them as much time as possible to plan their final meal, the challenge will be given out now. Each of the chefs will prepare four courses. The first course will be a vegetable course, the second will be fish, the third will be meat, and the fourth will be the dreaded dessert. Oddly, the chefs will have no control over which meat and fish to cook with; Eric and Ptom will be choosing proteins for them. Sure, why not restrict what food they can use here in the third episode? Makes sense to me! What's that you say? It's not the third episode? It is, in fact, the finale, after which we're supposed to know who the most talented chef is? Even though they aren't able to express any kind of individuality via ingredient selection in the two main courses? Maybe it's handy that I don't care who wins now. If I did, this would infuriate me.

Speaking of infuriating, let's meet the guest sous chefs! Are they celebrity cooks? Are they eliminated contestants? Nope, it's previous winners. Hey, that's a great idea. I mean there have been six seasons, and three of the winners have been kind of assy, but the chances that they'd be the three... Oh. They are. Actually, I'm not being entirely fair. Hung and Michael V. weren't my favorite people, but I certainly couldn't begrudge them the win based on talent, and I've frankly mellowed on both of them since their seasons. Ilan, on the other hand, is the biggest cockbite this show has ever cast. The fact that they rewarded him with the win brought me within a hare's breath of never watching the show again, and the fact that they keep bringing him back, like he's some kind of beloved elder statesman, is salt on the wound.

The chefs pick knives to see which sous chef they'll be working with. All of them hope to either get Michael or Hung. See? Go away, Ilan. Go away forever. Ed picks first and gets Ilan. Wah-wah. Kevin gets Michael, which he's thrilled with, because they used to work with each other and still maintain a friendly relationship. That leaves Hung with Angelo, which pleases Angelo no end. Back at the hotel, the chefs get to know their sous chefs a bit better. Angelo feels a bit ill, and turns in early to try and sleep it off. The previous winners tell the contestants not to try anything fancy, and just cook their own style of food. Which they can't do because they don't get to choose their main ingredients, but whatever. Everyone turns in for the night.

In the morning, Angelo feels no better, and a doctor is brought in to examine him. After he looks him over, he gives him about a 20% chance of being well enough to cook the final meal. In the meantime, Hung will have to communicate with him by phone in order to shop and prep as much as he can for him. Sounds sucky. Before they head off to the store, though, Eric and Ptom present the proteins for the fish and meat courses. The fish is red mullet, cuttlefish, cockles, and slipper lobster. The meats are pork belly and duck. The duck is a full bird; plucked, but not broken down. In order to stifle creativity even further, the main component of the fish course MUST be the mullet, and the main component of the meat course MUST be the duck, and the other proteins MUST be incorporated somewhere. Whoever designed this as the final challenge MUST be shrooming.

Shopping. There's a $300 budget. Weirdly, every single sign in the grocery store is in English, with American pricing. Ilan gets on Ed's nerves. Please. You don't even have to have a nervous system for Ilan to get on your nerves. Ilan could get on a coral reef's nerves. Hung does the best he can at trying to get the necessary ingredients with only Angelo's sickly phone voice for help.

LabRat: "And this year's Top Chef is... Hung again!"

Heh. I could actually get behind that. Shopping winds down, and the chefs head back to the kitchen for their three hours of prep. Hung grabs the limited amount of foie gras, so Kevin and Ed have to scramble to come up with different ideas. Lots of prep work is done. Hung's spastic nature works to his advantage, and he tears through a huge chunk of work. Ed gives full control of the dessert to Ilan. Wah-wah. Back at the hotel, the doctor is telling Angelo that an antibiotic injection may improve his condition, even if the chances aren't great. Angelo's willing to try, and drops trou. The next day, he's still not feeling 100% better, but his symptoms have abated enough for him to cook without bringing all the diners down with dysentery. That's nice for them (and of course for him), but it sure would have injected some much-needed excitement into this snoozer of a finale.

The chefs get another three hours of prep. Kevin discusses plating with Michael, who wonders what the other two competitors are going to do. "That's their problem," Kevin sniffs. "I'm not here to be nice." DRINK! Angelo is happy with the mountain of work that Hung was able to get through. He's not entirely satisfied with the menu, but recognizes that he should be grateful that he's able to compete at all at this point. The final three dissect each other's chances of winning. Time winds down, and the chefs get everything plated. The diners get seated. A lot of Names are present, as usual.

First course. Keep in mind that this is the vegetable course, and see if you can pick out what's weird. I'll leave you little clues. Angelo has pickled royale mushrooms, with char siu bao PORK BELLY, on a bed of noodles and watermelon tea. Kevin has an eggplant/zucchini/pepper terrine, with tomato, jalapeno, and a black garlic puree. I bet I'd like that one. Ed has a chilled summer corn veloute, with fried black COCKLES. The diners tuck in. Angelo's dish has very bold and local flavors, but Ptom thinks it needs work. Susan Feniger thinks Kevin's needs some oomph, and playfully hits the Name next to her when he disagrees. Eric agrees with another French Name that Ed's dish was well done.

Second course. Angelo has put the sauteed red mullet into Asian-style bouillabaisse, with poached cuttlefish. Kevin has pan-seared mullet, with cuttlefish "noodles", pork belly, cockles, slipper lobster, and cigala. Ed has stuffed red mullet, with glazed slipper lobster, and cuttlefish with zucchini pesto. Wow, I sure do love seeing the same six ingredients over and over again. It's super exciting. Tasting. Kevin gets positive reviews. Ed's dish is overcomplicated. Angelo's broth is tasty and memorable.

Meat course. Angelo has sauteed duck breast with foie gras topped with a cinnamon marshmallow and a tart cherry shooter on the side. Ew. Kevin has roasted duck breast with a duck dumpling, caramelized bok choy, and orange/coriander sauce. Ed has done duck two ways. There's roasted breast, and there's braised, stuffed duck neck with baby spinach. Tasting. Kevin's dumpling is nice, and his duck is the best cooked of the bunch. Angelo's plate is good, aside from the cherry shot, which nobody likes or understands. Ed's dish is layered with flavor, and his greens are outstanding.

Dessert course. Ed isn't entirely pleased with Ilan's cake or the cream that goes with it. Well, perhaps you could have spent some of the final challenge helping plan or execute your own dessert. Just a thought. The plates go out. Angelo's "Thai Jewel" is a coconut/vanilla cream with crushed ice and exotic fruits. Or as they call them in Singapore... Fruits. Kevin presents an updated version of the Singapore Sling. The frozen drink is on top, and below it lurks a bunch of tropical fruit. Ed has sticky toffee date pudding, with "fleur de sel creme chantilly", a fancy way of saying "whipped cream with salt in it". Kevin's interpretation of the Singapore Sling gets a lot of yummy noises from the diners. Angelo's dessert was comforting, but borders on the savory. Ed's dessert is meh. It's okay, but nothing special.

The chefs try each other's food back in the kitchen, and say nice things about what their competitors put out. They then emerge to applause from the diners, and though I know I can't reach through the television and taste anyone's food (would that I could), nothing I just saw looked that impressive or that terrible. Except the cherry shooter. Maybe if the chefs had been allowed free reign to cook their final meal, we could have seen someone really play to their strengths and put up an outstanding dish. Padma raises her glass and thanks the other diners, which shifts us directly into Judges' Table.

The judges do their best to convince us that the meal blew them away, but it seems cursory. The chefs are brought out, and Padma thanks them for an amazing meal, in same tone of voice that you'd use to thank someone for pointing out that your shoelace is untied. Angelo's fish course had a great broth, and embraced local culture, but his meat course cherry shooter was a terrible idea. Ed's stuffed duck neck was a great addition, and his spinach was beautiful. His dessert was bland and unimpressive. Ed attempts to explain himself by essentially saying that he didn't want to do an actually impressive dessert at the risk of messing it up. Because there are so many more challenges to prove yourself?

Panny: "Wow, I've never seen someone throw himself under the bus so effectively."

Kevin's vegetable course could have used a bit more spice. His duck was superbly cooked, and his dessert was fantastic. The chefs are dismissed. Deliberations. The judges continue trying to convince us that the challenge idea was awesome. I continue to disagree. Angelo's vegetable course was too heavy, while Kevin's was timid, and Ed's was flavorful. Ed's fish course was confusing, Kevin's was in harmony, and Angelo's was great. Angelo fell down on the meat course, though. Ed did a great job conceiving his duck course, while Kevin executed his well. Angelo and Kevin did a wonderful job with dessert, while Ed's was shockingly pedestrian. The judges reach a decision. I reach for a second cup of coffee so I can stay awake.

Final decision. Ptom says that the winner is the chef who took the most risks, and made the best overall meal. That winner is... Kevin. The other two congratulate him. The judges do the same before the group is joined by the sous chefs and Kelly, who I guess was allowed to hang around so everyone could go back together and save on airfare. Angelo and Ed both interview that they're very happy for Kevin. Kevin himself is thrilled to be the first African American Top Chef, and can't wait to share the news with his friends, family, and the guys at the barbershop.

Tim: "Ice Cube is waiting at home to congratulate him."

So, there you go. Let's get right to the season postmortem, I guess. This... Was not a good one. It's not often that I can't really articulate why I didn't like something, but I am finding it a bit difficult to pinpoint why this season was so disappointing. Is it the whole Kenny thing? I spent the first part of the season raging against his "obvious" win being telegraphed. That feeling ruined a lot of episodes for me, so does the fact that I was wrong, wrong, wrong mean that those episodes weren't so horrendous after all? I can't go back and adjust my past self's reaction, so I still don't look at those episodes with any fondness, but how can I hold the show responsible for that?

Is it the whole Kevin thing? I made no secret of the fact that I consider him a pill, and crowning the guy who won one challenge (perhaps one and a quarter, if you count his team Quickfire) as the best of the bunch doesn't make much sense. But by the same token, Ptom said that the winner had the riskiest, best final meal, and looking back, I have to agree that that person is Kevin. His vegetable course didn't rely on meat, his cuttlefish "noodles" were a great idea, his duck was cooked the best, and his dessert was nearly declared a Singaporean national treasure on the spot. And his conduct really wasn't that bad. I'm not aching to go out for a beer with him, but he didn't annoy me half as much as other contestants have.

Is it the fact that the challenges in the final few episodes were so poorly planned? Nothing about Quickfire immunity for the final four, messing with the chefs' plans in order to pad your party menu, or composing the show-us-your-best meal of the same six proteins is a good idea. A lot of this season's challenges were brilliant, but if you end your song on a hideous, jarring chord, that's all the audience is going to remember.

Is it the fact that it's coming on the heels of a terrific season, in which any of the final four could probably have whomped the winners of any other season? Whose food would you go running for: Winner Kevin's or Third-Place Kevin's?

None of these reasons is that much cause for placing this season as my second-to-least favorite. And yet it is. Only Season 2 was worse, and that's because they could barely find the time to even mention food, because they had to spend every episode displaying a disgusting array of screaming and assault. This was a pretty genial, wonderfully diverse cast. This season had every reason to succeed. Why did it land with such a thud?

Overall Grade: C
Overall Season Grade: C-

Bite My Cockle

Top Chef - Season 7, Episode 13

Previously on Top Chef: Cheeeeeeefs! Iiiiiiiiin! Spaaaaaaaace! Meals fit for the final frontier were prepared. Tiffany's mussels froze. Angelo won a shitload of prizes, while poor Tiffany was brought back down to Earth. Boo! Four chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. All the usual victuals, plus some wonderful salami. I don't know what it is about meat in stick and/or tubular form that elevates the viewing party spread to the next level, but there it is. Drinking Game Rule #13: Take a drink whenever Angelo says "heart".

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Well, there actually isn't one for once, because the chefs spend the beginning part of the episode getting themselves acclimated to Singapore after a short break at home. They reconnect in a local market, and after they spend a few minutes catching up, they're approached by Ptom and a man named Seetoh, who's identified as the "King of Singapore street food". Is there an earldom I could get in on? The chefs get up and accompany Seetoh on an exploration of the many booths and stalls that the food market has to offer. It's a scene that's fun to watch, and dear God, does it make me hungry, but there isn't much to report. Kevin says that no matter what the competition throws at him, he's going to enjoy the experience.

LabRat: "So let's go find some hookers."

At the end of the tour, the chefs spot Padma, and know it signifies a challenge ahead. Hilariously, they all cringe when they see her, as if she's the obnoxious aunt you can't escape from at Thanksgiving. Indeed, the chefs have arrived at the Quickfire Challenge, in which they must prepare street food of their own, using a wok. A ton of local ingredients have been provided. Padma is just bursting to announce the final twist: For the first time this late in the competition, the winner of the Quickfire will receive immunity in the Elimination Challenge. That... Is fucking stupid. Why is this advantage offered? To what end? I know they like throwing the chefs for a loop, but this really has no benefit for the audience. Naturally, the chefs are happier about it than I am. Padma gives the chefs half an hour to get their dishes ready, and starts the clock.

Angelo is very comfortable with preparing Asian food, and assumes an air of confidence bordering on the edge of arrogance. I've always marveled at people who say they know all about "Asian" food, as if they were masters of the entire continent and the gazillion cuisines cooked there. Everyone soon hits the first roadblock when they discover that the ingredients are marked in Cantonese. People have to choose their ingredients based on taste, which should lead to some interesting combinations. Ed obsesses over Angelo's experience, while Angelo obsesses over the vast abundance of ingredients. With five minutes left on the clock, he changes his mind and switches his main focus from crab to frogs' legs. After a mad dash to plate, time runs out.

Angelo is nervous, saying that his heart almost popped out of his shirt. DRINK! Padma and Seetoh go down the line. Angelo presents his chili frog legs, with pineapple, tomato paste, and a rambutan salad. Kelly has made a Chinese noodle dish with lobster, cockle, bean sprouts, and Chinese broccoli. Kevin has done a seafood stew with lobster, calamari, and cuttlefish, and finished it off with some mushrooms, ginger, and crispy shallots. That sounds good. Padma asks him if he's ever used a wok before, and when he admits that he hasn't, she jumps down his throat for not practicing with one during the break. He says that he spent his time studying ingredients, rather than trying to learn a new piece of equipment. And for all I've said against Kevin, and for all that I think that any professional chef should know how to use a wok, I'm with him on this one. None of the chefs can prepare for every eventuality, so he concentrated on playing to his strengths. It's a perfectly valid strategy. Ed has stir fried some noodles with black pepper sauce, steamed lobster, and gai lan (Singaporean asparagus). Eh. That sounds like something you'd get in an American restaurant dedicated to Pan-Asian food. It doesn't sound bad, just not very authentic.

Results. Seetoh has nothing but nice things to say about all four of the dishes. Angelo put a lot of nicely robust ingredients together. Kelly captured the essence of the ocean. Kevin made a complex, sophisticated cuttlefish dish. Ed infused his noodles with a ton of flavors. The winner of the challenge and its attendant immunity is... Ed. Ed is immediately all smiles. Angelo is pissed, which Ed is all too delighted by. Padma tells the chefs that immunity will play a huge role in the Elimination Challenge. Well, duh. That's why it shouldn't be offered this late. Padma keeps the crappy ideas coming by explaining that for this week's Elimination Challenge, the chefs will again be working as one team. Um... They do realize that this is part of the finale, yes? The producers are aware that this isn't episode four, where team challenges and immunity make sense? We're getting to the point where the judges have to discern very specific details of individual talent, and you're not going to find that in a chef with guaranteed safety or a dish that is affected by having to work around competitors' wishes and input. Horrifically bad planning this week. Angelo is understandably disappointed.

Let's get down to the details of this nonsense. The chefs will work as a team to cater a party hosted by Dana Cowin, who wants to see a multicultural menu. I can see why it's important to be in Singapore for a bunch of American chefs to cook for American judges at a party thrown by an American. The chefs will have to cook each dish to order, so no dumping a giant serving platter on the table and calling it a day. The chefs are dismissed back to their hotel, where they settle in to plan their menu. Kevin wants to work with cockles. Angelo waffles over chicken livers, while Kelly volunteers to make a red curry with fish and prawns. Ed is drawn to pork belly. Kelly wonders aloud if they need to make more than four dishes. "I personally don't think so," Ed says. Kevin agrees that if they weren't doing things to order, it'd be a different situation, but with the time limit, it makes more sense for each chef to focus on one thing. Kelly twists her mouth, wanting to agree, but visibly worried that it won't be impressive enough. Ed reiterates twice more that it really only makes sense for each chef to do one dish, and that's eventually what they agree to do. After that's settled, everyone just sits around tensely. Angelo interviews that everybody's hearts are on the line. DRINK!

The next day, the chefs put the finishing touches on their plans. They're still not wild about having to collaborate. Ed jokes about using the hotel jelly to make his dish, and Angelo tersely tells him he wishes that Ed would take this a little more seriously. Normally, I'd tell Angelo to lighten up, as Ed was clearly just teasing, but since Ed has that dumbass immunity, I'm with Angelo. Of course, Angelo then turns around and jokes that Ed should just serve a plateful of cilantro and bean paste, so what do I know? Ed obsesses over Angelo's experience with Asian food some more. Sigh. I was really excited for these Singapore episodes, but I've found little to like so far about anything but the tour of the street market. Speaking of which, the chefs head there to pick up additional ingredients, and must rely on the opinions of the vendors as to what the best product is. Ed discovers some fritter batter that catches his eye, and he decides on the spur of the moment that he's now going to do two dishes instead of one. Not that he shares this information with his "team". Angelo says he's happy that Ed has immunity, because it's a double-edged sword.

Tiffany: "You only think that because you don't have it."

Back at whatever kitchen they've been assigned to, the chefs get started on their one hour of prep work. Angelo whips himself into a hysterical froth. Ed needles him annoyingly, grinning in interview that he's working on getting Angelo eliminated. So far, all he's accomplished is a large need to shut the fuck up. Kevin implores his cockles to wake up. Kelly seems happy with how her prawn curry is coming along. Into this scene walks Ptom, and this is usually where I'd tell you that he spends a fair chunk of the episode Ptimewasting. But not tonight! Lest you think I'm warming up to tell you that Ptom's presence during the prep actually accomplishes something positive for once, it's actually the polar opposite. He's miffed that the chefs are only serving four dishes, and essentially orders them to double it. Got that? He's directly affecting the food prepared and the focus put into each dish, which he will then turn around and judge the quality of. What a douche.

Ed sucks up, and tells Ptom that he was planning to make two dishes all along. Oh, maybe you could find a couple of ingredients up Ptom's ass, since you seem content to root around in there. At this point, nothing about this episode has had anything to do with selecting a talented chef; it's all been reality show bullshit. So I don't see why I should spend an inordinate amount of time covering it. Let's just hit the highlights. The non-immune chefs are not pleased with Ed, but don't have time to make a big deal of it, as they need to get going on their second dishes. Kelly cuts herself, and leaks blood all over the floor. Time runs out.

Interstitial. The chefs go prawn fishing, which looks like all kinds of fun, though that's probably because they edited out all the boring parts of fishing, which is about nine-tenths.

The next day, the chefs head for the beach club where the party is taking place. After an additional ninety minutes of prep, it's go time. Angelo tells us that the chefs are cooking their hearts out. DRINK! Ed needles him some more. The Singaporean waitstaff enters, and Ed brings them up to speed on the menu. The judges get seated at their table. In addition to Padma, Gail, and Ptom, we have Seetoh and Dana Cowin. I'm blinded by the multiculturalism. Kevin's cockles won't open. They finally start to cooperate as the first orders come trickling in. There are issues with the waitstaff that mostly boil down to the language barrier, but the chefs are able to roll with the punches. The first set of dishes go out for the judges, who are wearing earpieces for some reason. Kelly has made a chilled cucumber yogurt soup with bitter melon. Everyone likes the bright zing it has. Kevin's clam chowder has "flavors of Southeast Asia", whatever that means. This is the dish with the aforementioned cockles, and the judges heartily enjoy it. Angelo's sweet-and-spicy shrimp broth has ginger and prawn dumplings. The judges love this one too, calling it complicated, yet comforting.

The next batch of dishes goes out. Angelo has a lamb tartare with a rambutan ceviche and curry oil. It's another hit. Dana doesn't usually enjoy tartares, but likes this one. Ed has sweet-and-sour pork, with crispy rice and potato cakes, finished with some gai lan. Also a hit. Ed douches at Angelo some more. I get the sense that we're supposed to find this mischievous and delightful, but honestly, he's just getting on my nerves.

Next batch. Kevin has done a 63-degree farm egg with pearl tapioca and some radish. It's his version of a congee, which was the only thing that brought me solace the last time I had the flu. It's another hit, and the riskiest thing Kevin has made in a while. Kelly has seared prawns in a spicy red coconut curry, and some crispy prawn heads on top. A guava salad is served on the side. More positive response, though Ptom is more measured about it this time. Ed has banana fritters with red chili paste. I'd be curious to try those. The judges are over the moon for them. Service winds down. Dana stands up and thanks the diners for coming to the party.

Phooey (as the guests): "Shut up, you crusty old white lady!"

Fret 'n sweat. The chefs are pretty pleased with how they operated as a team. Padma comes in and summons everyone to Judges' Table. Once they're lined up, Ptom tells them that they've put forth the best food of the season for this challenge. We get into the individual dishes, and it's mostly all good news. Angelo's tuna tartare was smooth, and his prawn soup was intense and bold. The only problem was that the soup was too thick and a bit too salty, almost as if it were a sauce instead of a soup. Gail tells him the flavors were so intense that it was kind of like a smack in the face.

Panny: "Luckily, she's into that."

Kelly's cucumber soup was terrific, but her fish had some texture issues. The curry was good, but could have used a bit more heat. Her guava/apple salad was nice and refreshing. Ed's pork was delicious, as were his fritters. His rice cakes could have used some deep frying, but otherwise, he's golden. Kevin's clam chowder was refined, but could have used some heat. Sensing a theme? His congee, on the other hand, was terrific. Seetoh says it could have used a bit of texture, but it's a minor quibble. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. Ed did a great job, despite his immunity. Ptom says that Kelly's shrimp dish was good, but didn't stand out. Here's where I would pause and ask him how he thinks her shrimp dish would taste if she had been allowed to focus on just doing that, instead of having to throw that soup together as well. Would she have done the same things? Would she have made it more complex, since she'd have had more time to think about it? Would her preparation have been cleaner if she hadn't been in such a panic and cut her hand? In other words, would Kelly's shrimp have been as disappointing if you, the HEAD JUDGE, hadn't had a direct influence on its preparation? Kelly's soup had some problems with its fish, but it was better than Angelo's salty broth. His tartare, on the other hand, was perfection. Kevin's chowder was elegant, and his congee was outstanding. Ptom thinks it would have been better with some herbaceous elements. Hang on, I have to go add "Herbaceous Elements" to the Awesome Band Name list.

Elimination. First, the winner. The theme of the season stays strong, as Ed sweeps another episode. LabRat is delighted. Limecrete is less so, though I admit that his fritters looked great. Now, to the bad news. Kelly. Please pack your knives and go. Crap, crap, crap. She gives the other chefs hugs, as Angelo begins to weep. In her final interview, she admits that the competition was a lot tougher than she thought it was going to be, which makes her thankful for what she has back home. She shakes the judges' hands, and tells them that she's a better chef because of this experience. Aw, that was sweet. She wishes she could have won, but seems as at peace with her elimination as one can be.

The final three are jazzed to make it to the finals. Who will win?!?! Will it be Lackluster Winner #1, Lackluster Winner #2, or Lackluster Winner #3?!?! The suspense is killzzzzzzzzzzzzz........... As the episode closes, Padma comes in and asks to see everyone at Judges' Table again. "Even me?" Ed says. Yes, even you, Ed. Being teacher's pet only gets you so far.

Overall Grade: C-

Beaumont, We Have a Problem

Top Chef - Season 7, Episode 12

Previously on Top Chef: We got taken out to the ballgame, but nobody bought us any peanuts or Cracker Jacks. Angelo declined to help Amanda out of her jam, while Kevin declined to act like an adult. Ed won the challenge, while Amanda won a trip back home. Five chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. In addition to the usual fine spread of meats, cheeses, and wines, our gracious hosts put together a spectacular fruit salad. I'm glad I was able to get my hands on such fine peaches before summer ends. For Drinking Game Rule #12, why don't you take a nice swig whenever Ed and Tiffany interact in such a way that their partners back home probably wouldn't appreciate.

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Kevin admits he's dodged some big bullets. And how. Take a look at the seventeen chefs that started out the season, and tell me you thought he would make it to this point. Out on the smoking patio, Angelo and Kelly talk about their lives back home. Kelly misses her husband, while Angelo talks about his marriage imploding because his ex-wife's family didn't approve of his career. Huh? What's to disapprove of? It's not like he sells Shake Weights out of his basement. The chefs head out for the day.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma and Dana Cowin, who always shows up to guest judge towards the end of the season. Ed describes one of the quirks of the social media age, and tells us he's Facebook friends with her, even though he's sure she has no idea who he is. Heh. Much like last week, the challenge is fairly uninspired. All the chefs have to do is select a wine, then make a dish to pair with that wine. Even if the pairings turn out to matter a great deal -- which they won't -- this gives the chefs almost complete freedom, and thus, no restrictions to challenge their skills. This kind of Quickfire is fine once in a while, but not two in a row, and not for the final five chefs, who should have an obstacle or two. So, let's skip the wine selection and get to the good part. The "good part", incidentally, is not Padma's outfit. She looks like she needs to rush off and open doors for Upper East Side apartment dwellers. The good part is that there is a prize attached to this Quickfire. The winner gets a trip to London, which would be fantastic. I love London.

Padma starts the hour countdown, and the chefs rush off to get their ingredients. Kevin attempts to braise his pork belly in the pressure cooker. Kelly asks anyone if they've got some spare time, which confused me greatly until I realized that she was asking if anyone had some spare thyme. She's working with wild boar and blue cheese. Ed grabs a ribeye, as does Tiffany. Kevin realizes that his pork belly will never be done on time, and decides to start from scratch with quail. He's upset about the whole situation, but it's too late to do anything about it. Time runs out.

Padma and Dana go down the line. Tiffany has crusted her beef with cocoa and black pepper, and serves it atop a spring risotto. Huh, I never would have considered pepper and cocoa together. It sounds intriguing. Kevin has put forth some grilled quail with apples, and a fennel salad with apple vinaigrette. Angelo has sauteed foie gras with black salt and a fennel salad in a cumin/basil broth. WANT. That looks fantastic. Kelly has wild boar tenderloin in blackberry sauce with mache and a blue cheese emulsion. Ed's grilled ribeye is served with potato risotto and a mushroom ragout. Results. First in the bottom two is Kevin, whose quail couldn't stand up to the wine. He's followed by Kelly, whose blue cheese foam took her dish off the charts, and not in the good way. The top two are Angelo, whose dish was good and substantial, and Tiffany, who made a terrific reduction and seasoned her meat well. The winner of the challenge and the trip to London is... Angelo. He's pleased to have gotten his groove back without having to go on an expensive beach vacation and pick up Taye Diggs.

Padma tells the chefs that the final Elimination Challenge will be more important than ever, as it will determine the chefs who will go on to cook in the final rounds in... Singapore. Oh, snap! That sounds fun. Especially if they ask the chefs to impress locals with Singaporean food. Angelo tells us that he "feels Asian inside -- 100% I tingle when I think about it." Settle down, spaz. He really wants to go to the finals now, more than ever. DRINK! Padma tells the chefs that they'll be getting the details of this challenge at NASA, which geeks everyone out. Kelly happily tells us that she went to space camp when she was a kid. Nerd! Later, the chefs head to the Goddard Space Flight Center, where they're met by Ptom and Vicki Kloeris, the head food scientist for NASA. Now, I don't have anything against adults with braces, but this lady reminds me so much of a grownup version of Logainne SchwartzandGrubenierre, I'm just going to go ahead and call her Logainne for the rest of the recap. I'm gunning for firstht prizttth!

Panny: "That low lighting in the flight center is not doing her any favors."

My science nerd heart flutters when the chefs get a video message from two of the astronauts on the space station, who gamely release some freeze-dried food packets so they can float around in zero gravity. They explain that the challenge is for the chefs to make a dish that fulfills all of the requirements to be served in space, nutritionally, taste-wise, and of course, practically. So, no poached eggs, please. The winning dish will be recreated at the NASA food labs and flown up to the space station. That's pretty awesome. The chefs will be serving a table of eight diners that will include Buzz Aldrin. Logainne hints that successfully freeze-dried food will not contain a lot of sugar, nor will it be presented in gigantic chunks. Astronauts love themselves some spicy food, though. The chefs are equal parts excited and terrified at this point.

Shopping. Ed stocks up on Moroccan ingredients. Tiffany inquires after fresh whitefish. Angelo rams his cart into some poor, unsuspecting shopper. Kevin's game plan is to make comfort food to remind the astronauts of home. Back in the Kitchen, the chefs get started on their prep work. Tiffany puts some mussels in the fridge. Kevin notes with concern that the other chefs are going for more ethnic dishes, while he's focusing on pure Americana. Tiffany is proud of her sauce. Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste. The segment stays true to its name. Towards the end of prep time, Kelly discovers that the refrigerator has gotten too cold. Tiffany's mussels have frozen, and are now unusable. She gives us the titular quote that I simply could not improve upon. Back at the house, Tiffany frets, and Ed tries to buck up her spirits. Kevin tells us for perhaps the thousandth time this episode that despite his mistakes, he's resilient and will keep on fighting for the win. Consider it understood. No need for another thousand reminders.

The next day, the chefs discover a note in their kitchen. It tells them that that their ride to the challenge is waiting, and whoever wins the challenge gets to keep the car. Nice! If the prospect of getting their food shot into space wasn't enough incentive, this certainly is. Once at their destination, the chefs get an additional hour to get their food ready. The executive chef of the trade center where they're cooking tells them to ask if they need anything. Unfortunately, he's not able to provide the one thing they truly need, which is a lot more square footage. Everyone is crammed into a pretty tight space. Tiffany decides to finish her sauce a different way, since she won't be able to use her mussels. An adorable shot of her working at IHOP back in the day is shown. Angelo thinks his sauce is too sweet, and course corrects. Ed decides to leave a layer of fat on his ribs. Same goes for the ones in the pan. Thank you! I'm here all week! A frustratingly tight plating area is set up.

Out in the appropriately space-themed dining room, the diners get seated. In addition to Padma, Ptom, and Eric, we have Buzz Aldrin, Logainne, Anthony Bourdain, and astronauts Sandra Magnus and Leland Melvin. It's a good thing he's an astronaut, because if he weren't, there's nowhere for a "Leland Melvin" to go except accounting or chess-playing. Kelly's dish goes out first. She has made pan-roasted Alaskan halibut, with an artichoke and fennel barigoule, and some salsa verde. The diners like the fish a great deal, but the amount of sauce presents a problem for Logainne. "You couldn't have this much extraneous fluid in space," she says, giving me something to nonsensically quote for a week. Thanks, Logainne! Sandra likes the crunch of the artichokes, saying that it's not often a texture found in space foods.

Ed finishes up his plating in a sea of sweat. He explains his Moroccan influence to the diners, and presents yogurt-marinated rack of lamb, with an eggplant puree and a couscous croquette on hummus. That looks delightful. Again, the flavors are great, but there is a practical problem. In this case, it's the bone jutting out of the lamb. Astronauts can't wander to the curbside trashcan, so they try to generate as little waste as possible. Eric sniffs that the dish is too complicated, and Anthony nails him, saying that Ed captured the spirit of Moroccan food perfectly. Kevin has made New York strip steak with a bacon/jalapeno marmalade, corn puree, and crisped onions. Again, the food is well-received, and again, there's a bit of an issue, because there's no way the onions would be able to maintain their texture in the freeze-drying process. Sandra likes it anyway. She shares the story of a cosmonaut who left the USSR to go up into space, and by the time he came back down, it was Russia. There's a mindfuck for you. Hey, your country completely changed identities while you were gone. Hope that's okay!

Tiffany is up next, and regrets not being able to use those mussels. She's got pan-seared Alaskan halibut with a coconut curry, snow pea shoots, and jasmine rice. Not to speak for others, but I'm not sure an astronaut who downs a load of curry would be very popular with his shipmates. Eric is not wild about her sauce, saying that it doesn't really come together to elevate the halibut. Anthony loves the inclusion of fish sauce. Leland talks about greedy astronauts on the space station who didn't share their ice cream the last time he made a delivery. Well, that was a little stingy of them. He didn't exactly roll up in a van with a bell on it to deliver it. Angelo comes out with his ginger-lacquered short ribs, with a horseradish creme fraiche sauce, pickled mushrooms, and a pea puree. DRINK! Buzz enjoys the mushrooms, though he wonders how they would be packaged for a space journey. Ptom hates the candied ginger, but likes everything else. Eric again comes up with a miniscule complaint, and Bourdain again nails him for being too picky. It's kind of awesome. Back in the kitchen, Angelo is emotional, because he feels like he "put his heart on the plate". Ew. Padma thanks the diners, and dinner winds down.

Interstitial. The chefs tear into each other's leftovers, and anxiety permeates the room. Nobody out-and-out screwed up, so anyone could take the challenge at this point. Kevin reminds us again that he really, really, really wants to go to the finals. YES. WE'VE. GOT. IT.

Judges' Table. What's this? Odd Asian Music and Gong are back! Here I thought they were gone forever. Welcome! All the chefs come into the dining room. Ptom congratulates them on a wonderful meal, and tells them that the difference between the winner and loser is very small. That will be cold comfort to the losing chef, but it's nice to hear that everyone turned it out. Bourdain tells Ed that a million things could have gone wrong with his Moroccan dish, but nothing did, and he really pulled it off. Eric says that it was too complicated, but clearly shows that Ed has talent. Tiffany's fish was well-cooked, but her tomatoes were a bit mealy, and the skin on the peppers was bitter. Tiffany explains her troubles with the mussels, and the judges seem to understand what she was aiming for. Bourdain wishes she would have used a stronger fish to stand up to her sauce.

Kelly's artichokes were perfect. Angelo's crystallized ginger was too sugary, but the rest of the plate was great. Angelo responds that he wanted to focus on precision, and that he feels like he "made love" to his short ribs. I'm starting to sense that Angelo's choice of profession was not his ex-wife's problem; it's that he constantly says things like that. Bourdain admits that he has no idea what Angelo is blathering on about, but that he loved the dish. Kevin's meat was cooked perfectly, and the bacon/jalapeno sauce gave it a nice kick. Ptom's only problem was that he wishes the steak would have been cut thicker. Because it's not like Logainne specifically warned the chefs against doing just that. Except for the part where she did. Nimrod. Anthony calls his dish a bit safe, but Kevin is ready for that one, admitting that he was purposely aiming for familiar, comforting food. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. Ed accomplished his goals, had a nice presentation, and displayed great technique. Eric's favorite was Kelly's dish, but her food wasn't particularly creative. Angelo's plate was great, though Ptom harps again on the ginger. Kevin paid attention to the astronauts' wishes, and his food was delicate, if a bit boring. Tiffany's curry sauce was great, but she had multiple little problems that all worked against her. The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. First, the good news. The challenge winner will not only have their food served in space, and not only get a copy of Bourdain's new book, and not only win a car, and not only move onto the finals in Singapore, but has been invited to watch one of the two remaining shuttle launches at Cape Canaveral. Damn, tonight's winner is cleaning up! That winner is... Angelo, who has won all those prizes in addition to his Quickfire London trip. For once, he's struck almost speechless, and needs some time to process all this good news. He's dismissed back to the Kitchen. Now, for the bad news. Each of the remaining four chefs did an admirable job, but someone has to be the unlucky one to go home. Tiffany. Please pack your knives and go. NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Kevin thanks Jesus. Oh, shut up, prick. Jesus hates you.

Tiffany thanks the judges for the opportunity, and goes back to the Kitchen, where Angelo gives her a giant hug. In her final interview, she tells us that it's difficult to come so far and not be able to go on to the finals. It's hard for us too, girl! The remaining chefs come back to say good-bye. Ed sings Tiffany's praises as he hugs her. DRINK! Tiffany is naturally upset, but tells us that she's happy to have been part of the competition. And don't forget the free wedding and honeymoon you got! That should help cheer you up on the trip back home.

Overall Grade: B

Seventh Inning Retch

Top Chef - Season 7, Episode 11

Previously on Top Chef: Enough intrigue and espionage to keep Harriet M. Welsch happy for a long time. Frozen puff pastry continued its reign as some sort of Harry Potterish cursed object, nearly bringing Angelo down. Tiffany swept the challenges, while Alex kept a stiff upper lip on his way out the door. Six chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. It was the Week of Rapidly Disintegrating Ingredients in our apartment, so I made some banana bread before the scent of overripe fruit could completely take over, and LabRat yanked some of the final tomatoes from the garden to make salsa. Both were well-received, though nothing could compete with the summer sausage Timiffany laid out. That was one tasty pig. Hop on board for Drinking Game Rule #11: Take a drink for every horrible wordplay phrase or pun that Ptom utters. Including the one revisited in the "Previously on" segment. DRINK!

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Angelo is hitting all the usual stops of people trying to encourage success without doing the heavy lifting. We zoom through mantras, prayer, and motivational speeches. Not to say that Angelo doesn't put the work in. I just think it would take less time to examine your choices and try to avoid poor decisions, rather than set up a shrine to Mario Batali in your closet. The only other thing you need to know? Ed prancing around the house wearing Tiffany's dress. The shocking thing is that it fits pretty darn well.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs are met in the Kitchen by Padma and this week's guest judge, Rick Moonen. He's familiar to us as a Top Chef: Masters contestant, and nobody at the viewing party likes him. How's that for a quick bio? Padma must have traveled through time to hear me whining about how bad the cliches and puns are on this show, and starts spewing food idioms one after the other just to twist the knife. Or maybe those food idioms are the basis for this week's challenge. Whichever. The chefs will each select a saying that incorporates food and cook a dish using that very food. Meh. In essence, all the challenge is asking is: "Pick an ingredient. Make a dish with it." The idioms have little to do with the actual cooking. What does have an effect is that the winning dish will be incorporated into a line of frozen foods. The picking order is randomly determined via knife pull:

Kevin - "Bringing Home the Bacon"
Amanda - "The Big Cheese"
Kelly - "Sour Grapes"
Ed - "Hot Potato"
Tiffany - "Spill the Beans"
Angelo - "Bigger Fish to Fry"

The chefs have an hour to put their dishes together, and Padma starts the countdown. Everyone scatters. Amanda decides to make macaroni and cheese, saying that a good version of it would certainly be welcome in the frozen food aisle. I can't argue with that. Ed certainly does. He interviews that she's just been lucky to have lasted as long as she has, because she's sloppy and has no technique. I seem to have a temporary case of Mother Hen Syndrome, because that struck me as unnecessarily harsh. Even if it's true. Angelo calls her a "dark horse", implying she'll sneak right by you if you underestimate her. Tiffany opens a can of beans, saying that cooking dried beans would take too long. Angelo and Ed dash around the Kitchen, giving Kelly a chance to tout her own organization and calm. Last minute panic strikes everyone else, and a mad dash to get everything plated ensues. Time runs out, and Rick and Padma go down the line.

Ed has made herb and roasted garlic gnocchi with spring vegetables and a mushroom fricassee. Tiffany wants to play up her fish skills for Rick, and has made pan-seared cod over stewed beans, Swiss chard, bacon, and carrots. Kevin has made bacon three ways: bacon puree, chopped bacon with snap peas, and a bacon froth with a poached egg on top. Tasty as that sounds, there are major problems here, and Angelo echoes the viewing party's sentiments when he says that Kevin did not consider the challenge parameters when making his dish. I'd take it back even further and say that he didn't consider the challenge parameters when choosing his ingredient. Bacon is one of the most delicious things on the planet, but it's not something you go hunting for in the frozen food aisle. And if there was one thing to make bacon even more inappropriate for a frozen meal, it's to feature foam and a poached egg. I'm guessing the last time you were strolling past the Totino's Party Pizzas you weren't thinking to yourself, "You know, what I really want to pop in the oven is a frozen poached egg and reconstituted bacon bubbles."

Kelly has made pan-roasted chicken breast, and serves it with caramelized Brussels sprout leaves, golden raisins, and a red grape sauce. Angelo has chili-crusted tilapia satay, with an Asian tartar sauce, sambal, and Sriracha. Sounds like spicy on top of spicy on top of spicy. Angelo tries to quickly outline his complicated procedure for breading his fish in cornstarch to get a glutenous coating. Rick has no feedback. Amanda's macaroni and cheese includes three cheeses, bacon, mushrooms, and jalapenos. To each his own, but for this mushroom-hater, she's just ruined a classic. For no reason that I can think of, she's also cooked a pork chop to serve alongside the mac and cheese.

Results. First in the bottom two is Kelly, whose grapes did not meld well with Brussels sprouts. The only thing that melds well with Brussels sprouts is a trashcan. Amanda's mac and cheese was far too heavy. She disagrees in interview, saying that she can usually get behind the judges' critiques of her food, but not in this case. On the plus side, Kevin's dish featured bacon in a nice, light way. Ed's gnocchi was well-thought and well-executed. For all the reasons discussed above, the winner is pretty much a foregone conclusion, and indeed, Ed takes the challenge. Angelo takes a little shot at him in interview, saying that Ed will look good on the packaging, since he kind of looks like a potato. I've been talking about Potato Faces in movies and on TV for years, but can't ever articulate what I mean. To paraphrase a more well-known quote: I may not be able to define Potato Face, but I know it when I see it.

Elimination Challenge. This one makes a lot more sense than the Quickfire. The chefs will be going to the Nationals' stadium to make fine dining versions of concession stand food. Rather than serving hordes of fans (except...well, you'll see), the dishes will be served during the pre-game. The chefs think the challenge sounds like grand fun, until Padma tells them that although they'll be presenting six dishes, they'll all be working together as one team. Faces fall. Amanda recalls the chaos of putting together a menu the last time everyone had to work together. Of course, Kenny's not around to crow about being such an awesome alpha male anymore, so theoretically, there should be a lot less dick measuring this time around. Let's find out.

Padma gives the chefs fifteen minutes to plan. Tiffany gets on my nerves for the first time when she whines about Kelly having the audacity to... Are you ready? Talk a lot during the brainstorming session. I really don't understand where all of the anti-Kelly sentiment springs from in this household. Sure, she can be a little supercilious, but not to the degree that other people should be this upset over it. In fact, this complaint comes in the middle of Kelly's very intelligent idea that the menu doesn't have to be cohesive, but should have variety, lest the judges tear into them for not collaborating enough. Amanda hops on board with Tiffany, saying that Kelly's always thinking about herself. Yeah, Kelly. Why can't you just consider Amanda's feelings, and let her win the season? It's not like you're competing against her or anything. I've said before that being in a competition doesn't excuse you for being a dick, but the flip side applies as well. You should be respectful of your competitors, but that doesn't preclude you from doing your level best to beat them. In other words, I'm sure you're a lovely person, but you just landed on my Marvin Gardens hotel. Pay up, please.

In the end, it's decided that as long as nobody's dish is too similar to anyone else's, it's pretty much everyone for themselves. Sounds good to me. The chefs split their $2000 budget up and head for the store. Angelo dithers over buns. Wow, I'll never need that sentence again, ever. Amanda wants to "make a statement" by making tuna tartare. Well, I'm sure she'll be successful if the statement she wants to make is "Please avoid my food at all costs." Hey, I love tuna tartare. Just not when it's been sitting in the open air for hours. Kevin agrees with me, saying it's "not baseball food". I'm not sure we should be running to someone who just screwed up the notion of "frozen food" for semantic arguments, but I can't fault him on this one.

Later, the chefs get to the Kitchen for three hours of prep time. Angelo worries, because the pork he's cooking needs two and half hours to braise. Better get hopping then, Sparky. Tiffany decides to emulate a booth at the Texas state fair that serves sausage and peppers, and works on rolling up a gazillion meatballs. Amanda chops up her tuna in advance, not wanting to do a temperature-sensitive technique in a kitchen she has yet to see. One wonders where this methodical thinking process was when she was conceiving her dish. Ed and Kevin complain about Amanda going to Angelo for advice about putting her tuna through a meat grinder. If I were more kindly disposed, I'd agree that putting faith in Angelo's ideas sure didn't do Tamesha any good, but they're on a single team, all she's asking about is grinding tuna meat, and you two sound like naggy tools. Huh. I guess that Mother Hen Syndrome has evaporated.

Ed has to make more than five hundred shrimp and corn poppers, and is racing to get done on time. He runs around the Kitchen, hysterically snapping at Tiffany and crashing into racks of pans, making for a very comedic off-screen sound effect. Angelo ribs him for being a Tasmanian devil that runs around the Kitchen, and somehow manages to avoid being struck by lightning. Ed manages to finish with just a few seconds to spare. That night at the house, the chefs realize that there will be no waitstaff to rudely order around this time. They'll have to serve the food themselves. That leads to some logistical problems, since nobody knows if plates will just be set out, or they'll have to take individual orders. Kelly worries aloud that she has to cook her crabcakes in batches, so she's not sure how taking orders can work. Angelo calls her "strategical". Really, Dubya? Is she part of a "nucular" family, too? Kevin shrugs that they really can't make any decisions until they see what they have to work with, and Angelo unwisely responds with "I'll do it." That's all Kevin has to hear to completely abdicate himself from any responsibility or problems having to do with service.

Nationals Park. The chefs arrive at the narrow little concession kitchen and get an hour to finish up their food. Kevin tells us that Angelo is in charge of taking orders, but that he doesn't really trust him. Well pick one, you whiny baby. You can be happy that Angelo gets to deal with all the service issues and you get to avoid them, or you can be happy that you don't trust him to do a good job and he'll screw up in front of the judges. You don't get to sit there and complain that someone isn't doing a good enough job of shooting himself in the foot. God, what it is about Kevin? He isn't the most objectionable contestant we've ever seen -- not by a long shot. In fact, he's pretty middle-of-the-road; no more interesting than, say, Nikki. But every time he opens his mouth, I just want to shove a grapefruit in it.

Phooey: "Damn, there sure are a lot of bitches this season."

The chefs do their best to find the space and equipment they need. Angelo realizes what a mistake he made the previous evening. He's only now figuring out that he can't take/deliver orders and plate his food. Of course, having someone else plate his food isn't an option because they might intentionally screw him over. How, I don't know. Arrange his pork unattractively? Stiff the judges on sauce? Angelo attempts to wriggle out of his lackluster commitment by handing out order pads so other chefs can take orders, and Kevin immediately shuts him down. He interviews that no matter what type of restaurant you work in, attempting to have everyone handle both service and cooking leads to a completely dysfunctional situation. He somehow manages to be entirely correct, and yet is still such a dick about it that I want to defend Angelo. I won't, but I have to admit the impulse was there. They finally cobble together a system of who's going to cook, who's going to plate, and who's going to serve. Once it's all settled, Ed tells Angelo he's changed his mind, and can't help him out anymore. "Are you joking?" Angelo says with horror. "Yeah," Ed responds. Ha! Nice one. Ptom drops by to Ptimewaste with some of the Nationals players. There's that one guy, that other guy, and that other other guy.

Kender: "Don't worry that you've never heard of any of them. They're the Nationals."

The players wander around the tight space, inspecting the food, chatting with the chefs, and just generally getting in the way. The chefs are relieved when they finally leave. Kelly is concerned that her bacon might make her crabcake sandwich too salty, and that the judges will disapprove of serving it open-faced. There's nothing she can really do about it now, though, and she just hopes for the best. Speaking of which, Amanda notices that the laws of chemistry do not suspend themselves for her, and the tuna that's been sitting in the open air is oxidizing and losing all its color. Angelo declines to help (in interview), though he knows some secrets for improving her food. Tiffany is more upstanding, and offers some helpful critiques of Kevin's chicken skewer. She doesn't want anyone to be eliminated based on something she's done, said, or hasn't said. Good for her. A slapdash menu is hung above the counter. Ed is passive-aggressive about Angelo taking up some space, and Angelo offers a terse suggestion that they just find a solution without all the petty bitching. Time winds down. Hungry patrons swarm in.

Service begins. Angelo calls out orders. Kelly and Tiffany's dishes are immediately pegged as crowd favorites. They're thrilled to be so popular. The baseball players return to get one of each dish so they can help judge. I'd worry that all this fried food won't do their game any favors, but it's the Nationals, so nobody cares. They pretty much like every dish, though one of the guys thinks that Ed's fritters are like biting into a caterpillar. Once they've eaten, they wander off, not stopping to talk to any of the fans who try to engage them in conversation. Well... Thanks for stopping by, guys. That was invaluable. Other fans happily munch on their gourmet snacks in the stands. The judges stop by the counter. Padma actually looks quite good in a simple Nationals jersey. Certainly better than she looks in "high-fashion" armadillo tank tops and ridiculous sun hats.

Kelly has a an open-faced crabcake BLT with a spicy herb aioli and sweet potato fries seasoned with Old Bay. Tiffany has an Italian meatball sub with tomato marinara, fennel, a basil pesto, and mozzarella. Amanda's got a tuna tartare with fennel, mushrooms, lemon, and a fava bean puree. That doesn't sound good, and not just because of the mushrooms and oxidized tuna. She knows she's in trouble, presentation-wise, but likes the flavor of her dish. Rick gives her props for gumption, but indeed, the sickly gray appearance of the tuna gives Eric pause. Ptom does enjoy the vegetables, but doesn't mention the fish itself. Kelly's crabcake has excellent flavor, but Padma does detect a lot of salt coming from the bacon. As the judges taste Tiffany's dish, a short clip of a fan pointing to her meatball sub and asking "Is this a meatball sub?" is shown. Let us pray that this fan has nothing to do with lawmaking. Or education. Or healthcare. Or anything, really. The sub is very popular with the judges, though Eric finds it a bit challenging to eat.

Angelo watches Ed put one of his sandwiches together. "More pickle?" Ed asks. "Yes. That's what she said," Angelo responds. Heh. Always a classic. When alien excavators dig down to this era's cultural relics, they're going to find a lot of "That's what she said" and "Your Mama" jokes. Works for me! Both Angelo and Ed are calmer, and happy to have found a balance in the service. Angelo interviews that Kevin is still being sulky about the whole thing. The judges return for the rest of their food. Angelo has made sweet glazed pork on a lobster roll (aka - hot dog bun), with spicy cucumber, Asian pear, and sweet sesame pickles. Kevin has a chicken kabob with Romesco sauce, scallions, shoestring fries, and a smoked paprika aioli. Ed has shrimp and corn risotto fritters, with a jalapeno aioli. Flavor aside, he's just happy that he managed to get them all done in time.

The judges have nothing but nice things to say about the fritters. They've got nice heat and texture, especially given the challenging serving conditions. Kevin's worried, because his dish is not getting ordered a lot. He wanted to give some crunch by putting his shoestring fries on top of the chicken, but ironically, crunch is the last thing he gets. Eric says that the fries became soggy from sitting on top of the sauce and hot chicken. Various fans aren't impressed, either. Angelo's pork is tasted. Hilariously, one of the fans is wearing a shirt that exactly matches the food basket. Nice camouflage! Angelo's use of the hot dog bun sinks him. It's too doughy, and kills the flavor and finish of his pork. Various fans talk about which of the dishes were their favorites. Ptom supposes that the chefs must have worked together well to serve so many people, but "there's no I in team". No, but there's a me!

Interstitial. Angelo talks to his Russian fiancee on the phone. He does not pull a Mel Gibson, so it's all very boring.

When we come back, a bit of that night's baseball game is played. I can't claim to be the biggest sports fan in the world, but there is a fun sort of energy that comes from living in a city with such baseball fever. Plus, I get to make fun of this:

Wow! Those seats must be upwards of 1/10 full! Parking must be a nightmare! In the fret 'n sweat, Angelo fiddles with a baseball. Kelly is amazed that after all these challenges, her stomach still feels sick as she waits for the results.

Tim: "That's actually the tuna tartare."

Padma enters, and summons everyone to Judges' Table. When they enter the dining room, Padma asks Angelo how it was decided that he expedite the food. He brings up his volunteering the night before the game, and Tiffany stops him, wanting to air the full saga of how Angelo wound up having to stick to his offer, despite his attempt to back out. Kevin, sensing an opportunity, makes sure to tell the judges how shitty he thought Angelo's behavior was, because after all, no takesies backsies. I don't really understand the point of hashing this all out at Judges' Table, since service wasn't an issue for good OR ill, but I guess some people aren't happy unless they've got something to complain about.

Moving on to food. Ed's fritters were hot and creamy on the inside, and his sauce was nicely spicy. His was a very tidy dish, which Tiffany's was not. Still, the judges loved the flavors. Tiffany giggles, and admits that she's one of those people who insists on a bit of juice spurting out of hamburgers and the like. Everyone has a good chuckle. That's the top two, and Rick gets to announce the winner. This season has had an impressive number of episode sweeps, and the streak continues, as Ed takes the challenge. He wins Rick's book and a trip to Australia. It's pretty telling that upon winning the book, Ed's face reads "Oh. Thanks, I guess," and upon winning the trip, he cracks into a wide grin. Enjoy Australia! I hope it takes your mind off of... Well, other stuff. Ed and Tiffany are dismissed.

Once they're gone, the judges turn to the other chefs. Amanda took an admirable risk, but it didn't pay off. Her fish gave off an air of not being fresh. Ptom asks the others if they would have tartared their fish the day of the challenge, rather than the day before. Naturally, Kevin is the only one to answer, saying that he wouldn't have even chosen that dish, but if he had, he certainly would have done it the day of. You know who Kevin is? Kevin is that guy who took names of people that were talking when the teacher was out of the room, then complained on the playground because nobody wanted to play Four Square with him. Ptom tells Amanda that maybe it would have been worth it to be in a time crunch in service of better food. I actually don't fault her for trying to do as much the day before as possible, but she certainly doesn't explain her thought processes well here. Kevin is told that he had a good idea, but his concept didn't come across in the food. The skewer was too long, the fries were soggy, and the whole thing just came across as disappointing. Kevin says that he was trying to get all of his flavors stacked so they could be eaten as one bite, and Ptom tells him that that's wholly unnecessary.

Kelly's crabcakes had excellent flavor, though they lacked a little crunch, and the sandwich was a touch too salty. So it was fine, but not outstanding. Angelo's pork was cooked well, but the flavor got sucked into a doughy piece of bread. He should know better, since he runs a sandwich shop. Padma adds that in addition to the bread, the rest of the components were too sweet. Angelo says he put Napa cabbage in to cut the sweetness, but he can't snow this panel; Eric points out that Napa cabbage is plenty sugary in and of itself. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. Kevin's plate had too much going on, and his aioli and Romesco sauce were too similar to each other. His skewer was so long, fans and judges alike were spearing their own uvulas. I don't think that should be taken too seriously into account, but I do like to say "uvula". Putting his fries on top of the skewer was pointless and counterproductive. Amanda should have cut her tuna later. Her vegetables were good, but Eric is literally offended by her final product's appearance. Angelo didn't correct the problems with his pork's flavors, and his spongy bread sucked all the juice out. Kelly's crab was great, but the rest of her components didn't do her any favors. "It is what it is," Kelly drones back in the Kitchen. DRINK! The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. Ptom tells the chefs that they were supposed to make ballpark food, but unfortunately they "made a few errors." ERRORS, GET IT?!?!?!?! BECAUSE IT'S BASEBALL?!?!?! ISN'T THAT HILARIOUS?!?!?!?! Sigh. And when you're done sighing, DRINK! Kelly got the crab right, but nothing else. Amanda's tuna was too oxidized to enjoy. Kevin's fries were soft. Angelo's sandwich was sweet and soggy. Padma delivers the bad news. Amanda. Please pack your knives and go. She thanks the judges for the "awesome opportunity". She gives Kevin and Angelo a hug, and pulls Kelly into a reluctant hug back in the Kitchen. She tells us with great import that this is an experience that she is going to remember for the rest...of her life. Well, yeah. Who wouldn't? She's sad to leave, and proud that she's the only sous chef to have made it this far. She also made it to the final six without winning a single challenge, but I guess I can't expect her to be as jazzed about that accomplishment.

Overall Grade: B-

Spyro Gyro

Top Chef - Season 7, Episode 10

Previously on Top Chef: War of the Restaurants. Alex's army decided he wasn't even competent enough to pass boot camp, and stuck him on dish duty in the mess hall. Kenny exulted in his status as a four-star general, and though nobody disputed his ability to rally the troops, his food marksmanship was less than stellar. No amount of medal-polishing could make up for the fact that his dishes pretty much sucked, and he was gloriously eliminated. Seven chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. I had to make good on last week's bet, and made an old family sweet and sour meatball recipe, some lemon squares, and a batch of blueberry muffins. Our gracious hosts provided the hummus, and once the wine was popped, a grand feast was had by all. Please to enjoy Drinking Game Rule #10. It may be a little late for it now, but since it keeps coming up over and over: Take a drink whenever you come across mention of the pea puree, whether on the show or in these recaps. Including that one. DRINK!

Oh, and I have a little tangential business to get to. Firstly, I have to credit LabRat for coming up with this week's post title. Be grateful that you aren't being subjected to the horrible puns that were swirling around my head. Okay, maybe one: Boris Not-Gudenov. Awful, right? Secondly, someone pointed me towards Ptom's blog about last week's episode. I was going to link to it when quoting the relevant portions, but forgot that Bravo has literally the worst website ever created by supposed professionals. I lost my patience after five attempts. The gist was that he's been getting some crap about Kenny being eliminated over Alex, and snarkily pointed out that duh, Alex was on the winning team, and thus not eligible for elimination. He also snarkily pointed out that each challenge is judged individually, so Kenny's past successes were not taken into account. I heartily agree with his decisions on both counts, but I don't think his tone is called for. I don't blame people for asking about the results, since rules were pretty obviously bent around for the elimination in the second episode, and because it seems like chefs' past successes are considered pretty often. Ptom's blog also addressed the pea puree incident again. DRINK! Ptom reports that other chefs have admitted that they actually saw Alex making his own puree (DRINK!), so there you go. Mystery solved. Still, it makes me wonder why there was all that whispering and gossip behind Alex's back if it was known he didn't do anything shady. Strange. All right, then. Ready to step into this week's shiny, Kenny-free episode?

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Naturally, we have to cover the whole Kenny vs. Alex debate again. Kevin -- who's had six seasons to watch and nine episodes to participate in -- still doesn't seem to get how team challenges work. He whines about Alex's team carrying him to unfair safety. Alex isn't too worked up about the whole situation, shrugging that he makes a handy venting target for Kevin to complain about his friend getting eliminated. That's a mature way of looking at it. He's also correct when he interviews that rules aside, he had nothing to do with the blue team making bad food. Point, set, match. Angelo is exhausted and unfocused after the stress of Restaurant Wars. He seems the most shaken by Kenny's elimination, because if one of the alpha males can be eliminated well before the finals, what does that mean for the other? The chefs head out for the day.

Quickfire Challenge. The chefs enter the Kitchen to find a bunch of boxes with question marks painted on the side. Nobody butts one with their head to see if a power-up comes out. Padma and guest judge Wylie Dufresne are there to greet them before Padma explains the rules of this week's Quickfire. It's a peach. At first glance, it's a repeat of the mystery box challenge. The chefs will have to incorporate all of the ingredients into a dish, but in a fun twist, more mystery boxes will appear as the dishes are cooking. The dish will have to actually evolve in real time as more ingredients are thrown into the mix. Good idea! Well done, challenge producers. None of the chefs are as thrilled as I am that they've been put into this situation, but they perk up when they learn that the winner will receive $10,000. The clock is set at forty minutes, and Padma starts the countdown.

The initial mystery box contains a large rockfish, fava beans, and an unlabeled can. Alex does not have his own can opener, and casts around for someone else's. Thing is, they have their own cans to open, and aren't anxious to hand over the goods. This is played as a we-hate-Alex kind of scene -- complete with Frankenbytes -- but I doubt the motives were that personal. People just want to open their own damn cans first. Those cans turn out to contain hominy. Angelo is completely lost without his rival to butt up against. He turns this way and that, indecisive about how he wants to prepare his dish. A guy in a suit and dark glasses enters to deliver the next mystery box. "Oh my God!" Amanda squawks, as if this is some wholly unexpected event. Or maybe she just said that because the messenger is kind of hot. The second box contains squid and black garlic. Jeez, whatever vision the chefs had at first blush will surely go out the window when confronted with these.

A few minutes later, Mr. Hot delivers another box. "Are you kidding me?" Alex groans. Seriously, were any of you present when Padma was telling you about the challenge parameters? Or were you all daydreaming about how you were going to spend your ten-thousand dollars? The third mystery box contains ramps and passion fruit. By this point, nobody knows what the hell they're doing, and are just trying to compose a dish that won't make the judges projectile vomit. The fourth mystery box arrives with jicama inside. That's the last one, and the chefs have a final ten minutes to get everything ready. Everyone's sweaty and miserable, but manages to get food on the plates. Time runs out.

Padma and Wylie go down the line. Alex has rockfish with a fava bean puree, ramp fondue with leeks, and squid sauteed in the black garlic. He bemoans his terrible Quickfire record, and says that this mess will probably fare no better. Tiffany has had a good idea, and made fish stew, which allows all sorts of things to be tossed in at the last minute without changing the overall picture. She's added some saffron to the mystery box ingredients. Kelly has done a version of Yucatecan seafood stew. Wylie finds it spicy, though I can't tell if he considers that good or bad. Amanda has crispy-skinned rockfish, with a squid fricassee and leek/mushroom fondue. Kevin serves rockfish and red pepper flake-marinated squid on a hominy/black garlic puree, with a jicama/passion fruit salad. Ed serves rockfish sashimi, with a hominy/basil puree, and grilled squid marinade. Angelo has a smoky hominy pot-au-feu, with squid, rockfish tataki, and a passion fruit gelee.

Results. The bottom two starts off with Alex, whose bean and passion fruit puree was good, but nothing else was. Amanda joins him for oily food. The top two starts with Tiffany, for well-integrated, flavorful components. Kevin's puree was nice, and his fish was well-cooked. The winner of the challenge, and the big cash prize is... Tiffany. Yay! She's thrilled that she can meet her fiancee at home with something other than an excuse for why she's been flirting with Ed for several weeks. She may not have phrased it that way.

Elimination Challenge. We continue with the episode's mystery theme, as Padma tells the chefs they'll be cooking for members of the CIA. That's the actual CIA, not the chefy one. Spies often have to adopt disguises, and the chefs will have to do the same thing. They'll be given a classic dish, and must cook it in such a way that it's physically unrecognizable, but still retains the flavors of the classic. Interesting. The chefs draw knives to determine their dishes:

Amanda - French onion soup
Ed - Chicken Cordon Bleu
Angelo - Beef Wellington
Kelly - Kung Pao shrimp
Tiffany - Gyro
Kevin - Cobb salad
Alex - Veal parmesan

Padma tells the chefs that they'll be serving to a bunch of CIA officers, including the head of the organization, Leon Panetta. Amanda fantasizes about being recruited as a spy and seducing secrets out of the KGB. It won't be such a romantic idea when you see what those guys look like. The chefs will serve at CIA headquarters, and the winner of the challenge will win a trip to Paris. Nice! Nice, that is. Not Nice. The chefs head off to the store with a $200 budget. Alex interviews that he's only been a chef for about six years, and was an event videographer before that. He spins this as a positive, saying that someone without as much experience is more open to new ideas and experimentation. Kelly has never cooked Chinese food in her life, and has the very smart idea to track down a prepared Kung Pao sauce and note the ingredients so she can recreate it. I like the way she thinks. See, I knew I've been on her side for a good reason. Angelo has to include puff pastry in his dish, and heads for the frozen food aisle to pick some up. The other chefs are taken aback, because that stuff was about half the reason John got eliminated in the first episode. The other half being his hair.

Back in the Kitchen, the chefs have two and a half hours to get their food prepared. They banter about what their spy names would be. Tiffany, who loves La Femme Nikita, chooses Brigitte. She's disguising her gyro by deconstructing it into separate components. Amanda (code name - Natasha) is disguising French onion soup by... Making French onion soup. Kelly hopes to disguise her Kung Pao shrimp by turning it into a soup. More Frankenbytes manufacture some we-hate-Alex quotes. I mean, I'm sure that he's pretty much as unpopular as the quotes suggest. I just doubt Tiffany and Kelly are strutting around the Kitchen sneering about how much he sucks. He packs his veal parmesan into tortellini, which sounds pretty good. Angelo's choice to use prepackaged frozen puff pastry is dissected some more. Ed comes up with a code name of Muffin Winthrop (hehehehe), while Alex opts for the more well-worn Doctor Zhivago. Ed is disguising his dish by turning it inside out, putting the ham and cheese on the outside, rather than encasing it in the chicken as usual. Kevin's grand plan to disguise his Cobb salad is to change the textures. To his credit, he realizes how weak an idea this is, and just focuses on making it taste as good as possible. Time runs out.

The next day, the chefs arrive at CIA headquarters. An appropriately big deal is made of their surroundings. Once ensconced in the kitchen, the chefs have an additional hour and a half to get their food prepared. Angelo worries that his dish isn't as creative or complex as he wants it to be. He really is falling apart this week. Kelly has plenty of time to get all her food done, but still takes the shortcut of putting her rice in the rice cooker, rather than preparing it on the stove. Amanda likes the flavors of her soup, but is anxious that she didn't disguise it enough. "Helen Keller would be able to guess what the dish is," she snarks. Oh, a Helen Keller joke! I appear to have fallen through a wormhole and popped back out in eighth grade, when people were still telling those.

Kender: "Isn't that the idea? That Helen Keller would be able to identify the dish?"

Alex shares his strategy of not cooking anything that he's ever made before, saying that it's worked out for him so far. Well, it's kept him safe, but he certainly hasn't been racking up the challenge wins. But hey, he's won more than Amanda, so what do I know? Ed disdains this method, grousing that Alex's style of cooking is totally unimpressive. Are they trying to turn Alex into the Robin of the season now that Stephen is gone? Kelly frets over her rice cooker, while Tiffany frets over the simplicity of her dish. She interviews that if one component goes awry, the entire dish's concept will collapse. It turns out Kelly was right to worry, because her rice has overcooked into complete mush. She tells Tiffany that it's "unedible" and interviews that she's used to cooking rice in Colorado, where it takes an hour minimum to cook. Yeesh, what a chore. Tiffany sends her to start some new rice on the stove, which she should have done in the first place. And while we're correcting little mistakes in order to make our lives better, Kelly? Inedible.

Time begins to wind down. Tiffany helps Kelly plate, interviewing that she wants to beat the other chefs because she outcooks them, not because of some technicality. I heartily endorse that attitude. The diners get seated, and time runs out. Padma introduces Leon Panetta, and service starts. Angelo is disheartened by the way his dish has come out, and wonders why he can't get his head in the game this week. He and Kelly serve first, and their dishes are not identified for the diners. Angelo has tartlets with slivers of beef on top. His dish is easily identified, and is not well-received. It was overly salty and the much-discussed puff pastry is hard. Eric Ripert, filling in for Gail this week, says that it looks like Angelo took some shortcuts. Kelly has spicy shrimp broth with rice and a Szechuan shrimp tempura. Ooh, that sounds good. When will I learn to eat before I settle in to write these recaps? Wylie kids Leon about knowing what it is before the spymaster does. It takes the panel a long time to figure out what it is, and once they do, they give it generally positive reviews. Wylie thinks there may be a bit too much broth, but overall, everyone really likes it.

Kevin helps Tiffany wipe her plates down before time runs out. The two of them are up next. Tiffany's plate has roasted leg of lamb, with smoky eggplant, tomatoes, and pickled onions. Once it's identified as a gyro, everyone sings its praises. Eric calls it the most elegant gyro he's ever eaten. Sweet! Kevin has romaine lettuce, tomato, bacon, Roquefort cheese, avocado, cucumber, and turkey. In other words, he's served a Cobb salad as a Cobb salad. Fortunately for him, it tastes good, and Ptom is prenaturally disposed to liking Cobb salads in general. At this point, a note arrives for Leon. Duty calls, and he must leave for the rest of the meal. In the kitchen, Alex brings Amanda some veal to test. She finds it close to overcooked, but makes sure to tell us in interview that although Alex has execution problems, and his ouster would help her chances, she'd hate to see her buddy get eliminated.

She and Alex are the next ones to serve. Amanda has consomme with oxtail marmalade, caramelized onions, and shaved gruyere. She's done the best she can to disguise a very easily identifiable dish, but her marmalade is way too sweet. One of the diners compares it to honey-lemon cough syrup. Yikes. Alex's plate has veal and parmesan tortellini, with tomato sauce and tempura cheese. Really? Tempura cheese? I wonder how that tastes. I originally thought the veal was going into the tortellini as well, but it's on the plate as a big chunk of meat, topped with tortellini stuffed with parmesan. The diners find the meat amazingly tough, and though they feel he did perhaps the best job with his disguise, the major execution problems ruin his concept. Ed's plate goes out solo. It's roasted chicken breast, with a ham and cheese croquette, and a spring onion soubise. His dish receives the converse of the reaction to Alex's. The food itself is great, and impresses the entire table, but he didn't really put much thought into the disguise. Service wraps up, and Padma thanks the remaining CIA staff. The chefs tear into the leftovers, and catch an inkling of which way the wind might be blowing. Kelly gently tells Amanda that her soup is a little sweet, while Angelo is blown away by Tiffany's eggplant.

Interstitial. The chefs chat about the secrets Leon Panetta holds. Angelo jokes that he knows the whereabouts of an extra-terrestrial living in Los Angeles, pointing at Alex. He does have kind of a big head.

Fret 'n sweat. The chefs discuss how important the challenge's concept will be to the judging, or if good food will be enough to save a bad idea. We're about to find out. Padma enters, and summons Tiffany, Kelly, and Ed to the dining room. It's not hard to peg this group as the top three, and they're happy to hear it. That settles the question of concept vs. execution, because nobody was impressed with Ed's disguise. Kelly's concept was great, and her spicy broth was balanced nicely with the rice. Tiffany's gyro was high-end and delicious. Ed's dish was perfectly executed. Wylie gets to announce the winner of the challenge and the trip to Paris, which turns out to be... Tiffany. She squeals with delight. I believe this may be the first time in Top Chef history that a chef has won both the Quickfire and the Elimination Challenges in more than one episode. And since I love Tiffany, I'm ecstatic that she's raised the bar for all future contestants. She's just thrilled that no matter the outcome of the season, Top Chef has paid for her wedding, and has now given her a honeymoon trip as well.

Back in the Kitchen, Kevin initially thinks Ed has won, before the top three makes it clear that Tiffany has emerged victorious. It's funny, with all the Kenny vs. Angelo talk, and all the Alex-needs-to-step-up-and-prove-himself grunting from Kevin and Ed, the men of this season seem to be curiously blind to the threat the women pose. I'm not saying they're sexist, but considering all of the challenges Kelly and Tiffany have excelled in, you'd think they'd be noted as potential usurpers. Instead, the guys walk around bumping chests and seeing who can pee the farthest, while Tiffany quietly puts away a double episode sweep. Her win is applauded before she shares the bad news that the judges would like to see Alex, Amanda, and Angelo. Not a good week for the A's, I'm afraid.

The bottom three head out to the dining room. Amanda probably takes the wrong tack when she explains that she knows she didn't do a great job disguising her dish, but was aiming more for flavor than concept. Wylie agrees that she didn't seize various opportunities to mask the soup better. Ptom suggests a panna cotta, apparently forgetting that that particular dish may as well be served with a little card that reads: "Please eliminate me tonight!" That wasn't Amanda's only problem, though. Her marmalade was far too sweet. Angelo didn't put any creativity into his concept, and the disappointment of the puff pastry could have easily been avoided with a little of the reinvention specifically requested by the challenge.

Alex's disguise was well thought-out, but his execution was way off the mark. He tells the judges that he wanted to try some new, creative techniques, which gives them the opportunity to nail him on one of those tiresome Catch-22s the judges are so fond of. This chestnut says that if you try to do something new, you should be eliminated for wandering out of your comfort zone. If you stay in your comfort zone, you should be eliminated for not taking enough risks. I understand that there's a delicate balance between successful food and a wide range of technique, but they often (as in this case) do not straddle this line well when it comes to deliberation. Unfortunately for Alex, it doesn't matter much, because no matter what risks he took, the result was bad food, pure and simple. Ptom tells all three chefs that they've essentially turned in their worst work of the competition. After that, they're dismissed. Angelo beats up on himself back in the Kitchen. Kelly interviews that while he's a nice guy, it'd be much smoother sailing in the competition if he got eliminated.

Deliberations. None of the bottom three addressed the challenge parameters well, and all of them put out terrible dishes. Wait, I thought Alex did approach the challenge with all of the appropriate creativity, but just didn't cook the food well. Didn't they just finish saying that? The judges admit that he had a viable idea, but add that he couldn't carry it through. Amanda failed on just about every level. Angelo's Beef Wellington would "make Julia Child very sad". That's about the worst thing anyone could ever say about my cooking. The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. I really need to come up with a shorthand term for those ridiculously terrible wordplay phrases Ptom recites each week. You'd think somebody would have noticed at this point how cringeworthy they are, and yet... "You were asked to take a dish and disguise it, and in all your cases, your cover was blown." Hork. Padma delivers the bad news. Alex. Please pack your knives and go. He thanks the judges, and shrugs in his final interview that at this point, there's no allowable margin of error. He's unhappy with his overall placement, but takes the events of the competition in stride, choosing not to make a big deal over false accusations of pea puree theft (DRINK!) and anger over his Restaurant War contributions. Yeah, I think he's gotten a bum rap in that household; it makes me somewhat sad for him. He doesn't seem to mind as much, saying that he strives every day to make himself a better person. Well, he may have been unfairly maligned by his competitors, but if he's taking suggestions: Be nicer to your waitstaff.

Overall Grade: B

Eating Crow

Top Chef - Season 7, Episode 9

Previously on Top Chef: Global cuisine! Brazil apparently has the most difficult food on the planet. Alex's popularity plummeted. Tiffany swept the episode's challenges, while Stephen just got swept. Out the door. Eight chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening menu. I brought some very nice cheese, but was completely overshadowed by LabRat, who brought a huge honking cantaloupe that he grew in the back garden. Jerk. I'll have to console myself with Drinking Game Rule #9: Take a drink whenever someone claims not to care that other people don't like them. If they mention the magical phrase "not here to make friends," chug the whole thing.

Monday Morning Quarterback session. Amanda wakes up with her pirate pants pajamas, and laments that her buddy Stephen got eliminated. Kenny wakes up with his Jupiter-sized ego, and whines that he can't understand why the judges are suddenly no longer interested in falling all over themselves to pat him on the back. My certainty that this wad is going to win the season weighs heavily on my soul.

Quickfire Challenge. It appears as though Episode 9 of this season will be a complete redo of Episode 9 of last season. Normally, I'd be grumpy about this, but I heartily enjoy the tag team challenge. Each team member gets ten minutes to cook, and although immunity is not up for grabs, a ten-thousand-dollar prize is. As in last season, the chefs draw knives to select team captains. Kevin winds up getting first choice, while Ed gets second. The teams shake out to be:

Blue: Kevin, Kenny, Kelly, and Amanda
Red: Ed, Tiffany, Angelo, and Alex

Ed has mixed feelings. He got to scoop up his crush, but had to take his least favorite person as well. Alex interviews that being chosen last doesn't matter to him. I'll count that as a "not caring what people think," so DRINK! Padma gives the chefs forty-five seconds to decide the order in which they'll cook. The first-position chefs take their marks, and everyone else slips on the blindfolds. Ready? Go!

Kenny versus Tiffany. Kenny brags about himself, because if his ego isn't stroked every twenty seconds... I don't know, Mount Vesuvius will erupt or something. Tiffany is being as strategic as she can. She gets pans heating so the others won't have to wait. She leaves the head on the snapper she's prepping so her teammates will know right off the bat what they're cooking. Smart! Kenny works on a mustard sauce and gets some prawns ready to cook. The whistle blows, and Amanda and Alex leap into the fray. Here's another echo of last season, in which the chefs the rest of the team deemed the most useless are put into second-position, so they're neither choosing the ingredients, nor responsible for the final product. Amanda picks up Kenny's brainwave, and runs to blanch some pasta, which is exactly what he envisioned. All Alex is shown doing is sprinkling salt on the fish, which causes Tiffany's face to contort in horror.

When the whistle goes off, Kevin and Ed come in as third-position. Tiffany asks Alex if he seasoned the fish, and when he affirms that he did, she takes the gentlest tack possible in calling him a moron, hoping that Ed will be able to see the salt that is pretty much invisible against the white skin of the snapper. Kevin doesn't have much to do but some grunt work, and tears through it. The whistle blows. As Angelo interviews that his team station is a giant wreck that looks like a Tasmanian devil blew through, he runs around, grabs some salt, and throws a big fistful onto the fish. People who live in glass Tasmanian devil houses... Alex is upset, I guess because he was hoping the salt already on the fish would glow an unearthly shade of green so that Angelo could see it. Meanwhile, the steady flow of the blue team continues, as Kelly is easily able to see what the others were going for. She sears the prawn and gets everything else ready in a snap. Angelo figures out the fish is too salty, and throws in some cilantro to try and counterbalance it. Time runs out.

Padma introduces the guest judge who will cast the deciding vote on which team's dish is better: Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. The chefs are blown away. Nancy says she's delighted to be there. Well, sure. It must be nice to cast a vote that doesn't bring on a maelstrom of criticism from conservative cable news networks. Kevin explains the blue team's dish. It's sauteed shrimp with angel hair pasta, a mustard sauce, marinated tomatoes, and crispy basil. One of these days I'm going to nail down what chefs think the difference between prawn and shrimp is, if any. On this show at least, they use the terms interchangeably. Nancy likes the al dente pasta and the homey (meaning Californian) feel of the shrimp. Ed presents the red team's dish. It's roasted red snapper in aromatic broth, with wilted greens and some maitake mushrooms. Nancy finds it tasty and wholesome, but the cilantro didn't do its job, and she immediately picks up on the oversalting. Tiffany grouses about Alex in interview. Yep, he pretty much screwed them. Nancy pretends she's got a difficult choice before awarding the win to Kevin's team.

Limecrete: "Well, of course she'd pick blue over red."

The blue team is excited. Amanda is happy to have won her first challenge. I'd be a little less excited if the only way I could achieve a win is to have three other people helping me out, but who am I to stand in the way of her joy? Padma thanks Nancy for the judging help, and Nancy wishes everyone luck on her way out. Alex's popularity among the other chefs plummets some more.

Elimination Challenge. I wouldn't be calling this episode a carbon copy of last season if the Elimination Challenge wasn't the same as well. It's time for the traditional Restaurant Wars, and every season, I must disclose the fact that I don't enjoy this challenge as much as the rest of the viewing audience seems to. It strikes me that people are asked to do things they wouldn't necessarily have to do as a chef, and that competitors are often both rewarded and punished for things that aren't their doing. Some are better than others, though, so let's see how this one goes. Kenny feeds his ego again. The chefs will remain in the same teams, and will be taking over a pre-existing restaurant. Hooray! No footage of people buying tablecloths and hanging paper lanterns! The teams will present three-course menus, with two options for each course. Everyone is responsible for at least one dish. The red team isn't happy to have Alex the Anchor weighing them down, especially when they learn that former New York Times restaurant critic Frank Bruni will be guest judging.

I'm skipping a pointless shill segment, and moving right into shopping. Ed and Angelo discuss minimizing Alex's role as much as possible. It goes without saying that they're going to stick him in front-of-house. Kevin overhears this from the backseat, and crabs that people in a team should all work together. It's easy to say that when you're satisfied with all of your teammates. I'm curious to know how he'd handle having Alex on his side, given his previous comments about him. Team members arrive at Whole Foods and the restaurant supply store, and try to synchronize their shopping lists. The red team is spazzing over their ingredients, and Kenny and Amanda watch from the side, grateful to be on the blue team.

Back in the Kitchen, the teams have two hours to prep. Angelo says that the red team's roles just naturally fell into place. If by "naturally" he means "announced authoritatively that he would be head chef and assigned duties to everyone else", then sure. He tells Alex to butcher the meat. Dishes are explained, but I'm going to ignore the menus until we get to the actual meal. Well, except to say that the red team is hilariously working on a pea puree. I really should have made that goo part of the drinking game. Kelly will be front-of-house for the blue team, and works on a cold soup and dessert so she won't be torn between kitchen duties and dining room duties. I like the methodical way she thinks. Prepare yourself for a shock. Kenny will be assuming the executive chef role for the blue team. Meanwhile, Alex is doing a wretched job of butchering the meat, which is his sole responsibility. Angelo loses his patience, and takes over. Alex retreats to prep Tiffany's fish, while Tiffany frets about how organized the other team seems to be.

The next day, the chefs arrive at the restaurant, with four hours to get everything ready. The red team decides to call their restaurant "EVOO" (extra virgin olive oil), which is a terrible name. Not as bad as "Revolt", but still. Angelo says it refers to the Mediterranean flavors they're going to create. I doubt that name will evoke such an image. There's only one kitchen in this restaurant, so the teams are very intermingled as they cook. Tiffany discovers that Alex hasn't cleaned the red team's fish properly. I know editing affects a lot, but has he done a single thing correctly this week? Anything? Kenny tells us that the blue team's restaurant name is "2121", which is the address of the Top Chef house. Not particularly creative, but better than the competition. I'm just going to stick with "red" and "blue". Angelo notes how well the blue team is communicating, but cautions against being overconfident. Amanda tries to figure out how to use a wood-burning grill, interviewing that every grill has its own personality.

Tiffany: "Really? Because you don't."

Kenny writes himself another chapter in the epic story of KENNY VS. ANGELO: MASTER CHEF TAKES ON YOUNG UPSTART, that he's been fantasizing about since the first episode. He delights in Angelo losing his patience and temper over Alex's screwups. Alex bristles at being condescended to, but can't do much about it, because have I mentioned the massive screwups? He and Kelly head out to the front of the house to meet the servers and get everything set up. Kelly interviews that she's never really done this kind of work in a restaurant before, and doesn't want to get eliminated for something she never claimed to be a master of. Laurine is sitting at home, watching this and thinking, "Exactly. Fuckers." That's always been one of my problems with Restaurant Wars. A person who is a perfectly good chef could be eliminated for non-chef reasons, and a sub-par chef can safely hide from having to cook anything. Of course, Kelly has also bragged that you have know a bit of everything when opening a restaurant, so she kind of walked into this one.

She nervously chats with her servers, while Alex is a total douche to his. He brags about this in interview, not quite getting that if these servers screw him over, he doesn't get to fire them. The blue team serves up a plate of each of their dishes so that the servers can taste them, and thus explain them better to diners. Alex disdains this method, because he pictures himself such a lyrical poet that just describing the food to the servers is good enough. Oy. Kenny says that the red team's servers will go into the dining room with "negative energy". He seems to be a practical sort of person, so I'll interpret that in less of a Professor Trelawney kind of way, and more as a "the red team's servers have no incentive to do a good job," which I totally agree with. Time winds down. Food finishes cooking. Final instructions are given. And just like that, the restaurants are open for business.

Diners get seated and food starts going out. One of the red team servers is missing three crudos (crudoes?) for one of her tables. It's almost as if the red team's servers have no incentive to do a good job! As Alex explains the snafu to his table, the judges walk in. Gail makes a bitchy comment about there not being anyone at the hostess stand. Because you're instantly greeted in every restaurant ever, and never have to wait the full ten seconds that she has to. Gail, though normally my favorite judge, will not be covering herself in glory tonight. A server seats the judges, and Alex comes over to greet them. Padma introduces Frank Bruni. Alex nervously explains the Mediterranean influence, and withdraws to get the food. The judges clink glasses as the first course comes out. Angelo has made a confit of tomato soup with some squash and an olive crouton. Tiffany has made a crudo of black bass and yellowtail snapper with a lemon-caper relish. Alex describes the microgreens on top as a "summer salad". Ptom asks why, and Alex responds in what he thinks is an amusing way that it just sounds better than saying "microgreens". The judges aren't impressed. As to the food, Angelo's soup is a hit, but Tiffany's fish is too salty. You'd think she'd keep an eye on that after the disastrous Quickfire.

The second course is a while in coming, and Padma rudely shouts "How we doin'?!?!" across the restaurant. She follows this up with a whiny "I waaant my second cooooourse," like she's a fucking toddler. This is another thing I don't like about Restaurant Wars. We're meant to accept these judges as sophisticated diners, yet they often act like they just got denied chicken nuggets for breakfast. If the judges weren't Top Chef luminaries, and acted like this in a real restaurant, their entree would wind up being spit soup with a loogie crouton. Kevin cringes at the red team's disorganization. The second course is finally brought out before Padma can throw herself down on the floor screaming, or Ptom can scrawl with crayon all over the walls. Tiffany has made a pan-seared striped bass, with stewed spinach, fennel, chorizo, and clams. Ed has a slow-baked turbot with eggplant caviar and a black olive jus. Both of the dishes get generally positive reviews. Everyone loves Ed's fish, and while Tiffany's may have been a touch overcooked, it's got good flavors.

Third course. Alex has a pan-seared lamb chop on top of the oft-discussed pea puree, with smoked bacon and Parmesan foam. Trying to hearken back to more successful times, are we? He initially misidentifies the lamb as pork, but quickly corrects himself after Ptom makes a snide comment. Angelo and Ed have cooperated on a seared rib eye steak, with crushed walnut potatoes and a balsamic fig reduction. I'm not the biggest walnut fan, but that sounds pretty good. Frank enjoys the lamb, but has some texture issues. The steak is so-so, but the potatoes are a hit. The fact that it's not a terribly Mediterranean dish is brought up. True, but I'd hope that's mostly overlooked if it tastes good enough. Frank found the service spotty, and guesses that the team's focus was more on the kitchen than the dining room. Very perceptive.

On to the blue team! Interstitial. Amanda has to redo steak, because she's not cooking it to the proper doneness. She wants to stand there and debate Kelly about it, and talk about all the problems she's having with this unfamiliar grill. Kelly doesn't want to hear it, and just tells her to keep an eye on it.

Kelly greets the judges as they come in the door. She describes the menu as "Progressive American". As we've discussed before, calling your food "American" means that you can do whatever the hell you'd like to it. Kelly comes back to the kitchen and asks for the first course. Kenny interviews that he's not bringing his ego to this particular challenge. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Whew! I need to wipe a couple of tears away before I continue. Okay, I'm ready. Kelly has made a chilled sweet corn soup with Maryland blue crab salad. Kenny's first course offering is beet salad with a warm chorizo/citrus vinaigrette. That makes it sound simple, which it's not. As is often the case, he's thrown everything but the kitchen sink onto this plate, from endive to candied nuts to pickled kumquat. Kelly's soup is deemed too thin and weak. Kenny's dish has far too many components, and is muddied.

Second course. Amanda's New York strip steak is grilled with roasted sunchokes and maitake mushrooms. Kevin made a pan-roasted halibut with white beans, a fennel marmalade and a tomato/fennel emulsion. Amanda's steak is too thin, and though the meat is a big disappointment, the sauce is good. Kevin's fish is not only visually appealing, but tastes good, too. Kelly makes sure to check in to make sure everything is okay. Kenny knows that executive chef is a risky position to take, but is confident in his abilities. My jaw fails to hit the ground.

Third course. Kenny has made crispy aged goat cheese on top of a strawberry-rhubarb relish, with some fresh arugula on the side. Kelly has made a dark chocolate ganache tart, with blackberry/chocolate chunk ice cream. I'm surprised we didn't hear more about how difficult dessert was to put together; Kelly seemed to have no issue with it whatsoever. Her tart is a huge hit with the judges, though the ice cream doesn't have enough flavor. Kenny's cheese plate is described as "awful". It's salty and mushy and according to Frank, a "horror show". Yikes. I'd be excited if I hadn't decided long ago that Kenny is destined to win the season. I begin trying to puzzle out how the judges will shift blame onto someone else to avoid eliminating him.

The judges talk. Ptom thinks the services went fairly well, all things considered. Frank says that both teams had better luck with fish than with other dishes. He hates the name "EVOO", so we're certainly in agreement on that one. Both teams had both hits and misses with their food. Tiffany's first-course fish was the weak point of the red team's menu, while Kelly's soup and both of Kenny's dishes didn't do the blue team any favors. Kelly's service was miles better than Alex's, though. Frank says that neither team should have announced their theme, because they painted themselves into a corner as far as sticking to it. Everyone packs up and heads back to the Kitchen.

Judges' Table. Padma asks to see the red team out in the dining room. The blue team is left to stew in anxiety. Amanda tries to hold on to her sense of confidence, but there's no getting around the fact that the winners are called first 99.9999% of the time. Indeed, when the red team comes out to face the judges, they're told they are the winning team. They are genuinely shocked. Alex admits to his nerves, but reports that he was calm and collected at every table but the judges'. Angelo's soup was pretty and flavorful. Tiffany's (second-course) bass was good, and Ed's turbot was fantastic. Ptom asks about the lamb dish, and Angelo responds that Alex conceptualized it, and Ed/Angelo executed it. Ptom enjoyed that dish vastly. There's nothing that pea puree can't achieve! Frank gets to announce the individual winner, and Ed's turbot wins the day. I'm happy to see it; he's come a long way from Assville.

WhiteTiffany: "You get to bang [Black]Tiffany as a reward."

Heh. No such luck for him, I'm afraid. He wins a trip to a Napa winery and a huge bottle of wine. Back in the Kitchen, the blue team has the good grace to clap for Ed's win before heading out to face the judges. They are as stunned with their loss as the red team was with their win. Kenny explains his surprise, going into all the chaos and miscommunication the red team had. True as that may be, Gail explains that the diners in a restaurant don't really give a good goddamn about the behind-the-scenes drama, as long as the food is good and the service is smooth. Frank gives Kelly a royal backhanded compliment, telling her that she had a clumsy charisma that served her well in front-of-house. "Thank you, [crap nugget]," she says, though the "crap nugget" is silent. She admits she likes her soups on the thinner side, but her corn soup went too far in that direction. Kenny's beet salad was a muddled mess. Frank tells him it was a beet salad "done through the guise of a Hamburger Helper". Ouch. Kenny can't stop some rage from fleeting across his face.

Kevin's halibut was a bright spot, but Amanda's steak was overcooked and dry. Just like last week. It's a good thing she works at a place called "The Water Grill", because meat is not her friend. A hurt Amanda apologizes and says that she's surprised Frank found the meat overcooked. Ptom corrects her to say that all four of the judges felt the same way on this point. Amanda quivers, near tears. Kenny's cheese course had ambition, but the execution was way off. Kenny's ego, having not only been denied food for the past few minutes, but is actively being starved, snaps. Rather than trying to defend his food on any level, he casts around for a way to make his menu acceptable, landing on Alex as a handy target. See, Alex only conceptualized his dish, and didn't actually cook anything. Therefore, he should be sent home, despite being on the winning team.

You know, if it weren't Kenny making this point, I would probably be more sympathetic to it. Alex really did stink up this challenge. And after all, the judges have shown no inclination to stick to team structure when picking a loser. Why not pluck someone off the winning team if they didn't contribute the required amount of work? I'm trying to look at it from a Kenny-happy judging panel's point of view, not mine. I would be enraged if they did this, just as I was in the school challenge. It can't be denied that Alex did minimal work, and did that minimal work poorly. Thems the breaks in team challenges, though. You rise or fall as a group. Sorry your food sucked, Kenster, but that doesn't mean the rules magically change in your favor. Or at least, it shouldn't.

Ptom asks if that means Alex didn't conceive his dish. Kevin jumps in to agree, and says that Ed and Angelo did all the work on it. Okay, but doing all the work doesn't mean they conceived it. I'm struggling to understand how important it is that Alex came up with the idea for the lamb. Is that enough, or was he responsible for actually preparing most or all of it? It's clear how Kenny and Kevin feel. They tell the judges that Alex needs to go. Padma dismisses them. I write an "A" in my notebook, ready for either Alex or Amanda to be eliminated. They are the natural secondary choices after Kenny's Shield of Invincibility is activated. The blue team wastes no time in jumping down Alex's throat when they get back to the Kitchen. Kevin sounds about eleven (both in age and volume) as he leaps up and screams "Your ass should be going!!! You didn't do a fucking thing!!!" How's that goal to control your temper coming along, Kevin? The red team, very calm under the circumstances, essentially tells him to shove it, saying that they were very clear to the judges about who did what. Kenny tries to argue it logically, pointing out all the ways in which Alex didn't help. Alex brings up the prep work he did (poorly, but still), and Angelo sticks up for him, telling him he doesn't need to justify anything to the blue team. Wow, Angelo has come a long way, too. Assville is losing residents at a steady rate!

Deliberations. Kelly soup was thin and flavorless. Amanda's steak was awful, and it was the only thing she was responsible for. Kevin didn't do a lot of work, but he did it well. Kenny did well as a leader, but hideously poorly as a cook. His two dishes were the worst things about the blue team's menu. Frank says that Alex may not have pulled his weight, but in a team challenge, if the rest of the people pull you through, it's understood that everyone's safe for the time being. Thank you for that much-needed reminder, Frank. Not that it does Jacqueline much good. The judges reach a decision.

Elimination. I fill out the "A" in my notebook with "manda". Ptom gives each chef some blather about what they did well and what they did poorly. It's all the stuff you've already heard. The viewing party tells me that it may just be Kenny's time, and I scoff loudly. "Have you even been watching this season? He's going to win," I snort. They hem and haw, and I offer to make three courses of my own for next week's viewing party if Kenny gets eliminated. If not, then I'm to be rewarded by goodies provided by other people. I lean back in my chair, satisfied, and wait to bathe in an aura of bet-winning superiority. Ptom throws it over to Padma for the big news. Kenny. Please pack your knives and go. My mind is immediately torn into two pieces. The quieter piece says "Damn. Not only have I lost the bet, but I've got all those recaps, published for the entire world to see, crowing about how obvious Kenny's win is being telegraphed. I look dumb." The louder piece of my mind? Says this.

Final interview. Firstly, Kenny makes sure to get a dig in at Alex, because rules be damned, Kenny should be on top. Aren't you gone yet? No? Okay, I'll let you finish. After warbling something about how "the beast is gone," he wraps up by saying that it's anybody's game now. Even in defeat, his ego demands a healthy meal. You know, one of the things that sets Top Chef apart from other reality shows is that I always feel like they crown a winner that they truly believe cooks good food. I may not always be happy with the personality of the victor, but that's the whole point... A sunny disposition doesn't mean someone can cook better than an ass, and I'm happy that the show awards the win based on merit. I really thought they were dancing dangerously close to the line this season. I was convinced that Kenny, despite clear misses in the kitchen, would sail to an undeserved victory based on nothing more than his bluster and background. With him gone, this season has suddenly attained an air of suspense it was sorely lacking. I could not have been more wrong in my previous recaps. I was wrong, wrong, wrong. And I've never been happier to say so. Now, I'm off to the store. A bet's a bet.

Overall Grade: B-