The Girl Who Becomes America's Next Top Model

America's Next Top Model - Season 7, Episode 12

CariDee wins. In equally surprising news, the sun rose in the east today.

First, the girls go for their traditional Cover Girl photo and commercial. Eugena does quite well, but since the producers don't want her in the final two, she's cut for the mysterious "not wanting it enough" reason, which the judges unpack anytime they need to make a bogus elimination. Same goes for "losing her spark". It's down to Melrose and CariDee in the final runway walk in creepy bride outfits. Melrose is typically neurotic and typically competent, while CariDee is typically spazzy and winds up kind of sucking. Not that it matters in the least, since CariDee has been the obvious winner for about three weeks now.

The Girl Who Grates

America's Next Top Model - Season 7, Episode 11

Dancing. Melrose goes a bit mental, and everyone hates her. The girls are forced to pair off and take a picture in a pool of freezing water, which reduces CariDee to a quivering mess. Everyone's shot looks fairly good, but Michelle sacrificed herself for naught, as her sister joins her in Loserville.

The Girl Who Sticks Her Foot in Her Mouth

America's Next Top Model - Season 7, Episode 10

Yawn. OK, so. CariDee really, really wants to be a model, whereas Michelle isn't sure she has the passion and drive. Tyra Oprahs some shit about how she'll show her great love for the girls by...ripping them to shreds. Aw, that's so sweet! The girls head out for their go-sees, which are pretty much identical to the go-see segment in every other season, ever. Someone's always got to be late getting back, and this time around it's Amanda and Michelle, who are disqualified. Melrose deservedly wins another challenge, even though her "strategy" of "working alone" really works out to "nobody likes me".

The photo shoot is photographed by Nigel. The girls are dressed as matadors and have to pose in front of a live, angry bull. CariDee makes a stupid remark about Nigel needing to take a stick out of his ass, and spends the rest of the episode getting smacked down for it, with good reason. Eugena shines in her photo, and Melrose looks quite good as well. The twins are mostly boring, and CariDee is back to looking developmentally disabled. At panel, the girls are asked who has the most and least potential, and their answers are refreshingly direct without being needlessly bitchy. Michelle selects herself for possibly having the least potential, not sure if she's really passionate about modeling. CariDee reads an apology letter to the judges that is so embarrassingly cutesy that I couldn't look at the screen. The twins wind up in the bottom two, and the judges punt Michelle for lacking the drive needed to succeed.

The Girl Who Breaks Down

America's Next Top Model - Season 7, Episode 9

Well, we've reached that point of the season which seems to hit every year in which I can't stand looking at these bitches for another second.

So... The girls go to an "acting" challenge which is a thin excuse to make them yell at each other. CariDee admits to having suicidal thoughts in the past, and is quickly awarded the win, I guess to prevent any further ones. The girls head to Spain and meet up with some male models that they'll be working with later. One of them is racist, and doesn't like black girls, and of course Jaeda gets stuck with him. The girls have to learn phonetic Catalan for a commercial. Eugena is surprisingly good, while CariDee is surprisingly bad. But it is Jaeda's similarly abysmal performance, coupled with another bout of insecurity that finally sends her home.

The Girl Who Wrecks the Car

America's Next Top Model - Season 7, Episode 8

And....action! Literally. This week's challenges are all about looking good while in motion. First, the girls pretend to play volleyball, which Anchal can't get into. Then, the girls pretend to attack a NASCAR driver, which Anchal can't get into. Then, the girls get their photo taken in an awesome windtunnel, which Anchal can't get into. Then, the girls have a Mad Libs judging challenge, which Anchal can't get into. Finally, six girls survive to compete in next week's episode, which Anchal can't get into.

The Girls Who Made It This Far

America's Next Top Model - Season 7, Episode 7

Previously on America's Next Top Model: Various pathetic bitches fought and "strutted" their "stuff" for our amusement. But just in case you missed any of it, it's time for one of those dumb clip shows. But it's not a waste of time, because there's all sorts of new content! Content apparently too lackluster to include in the original airings, but I'm sure it's going to be great! Just as I did for the last one, I'm only going to pay attention to the new footage. [If something has already been gone over in an old episode, and I'm glossing it over, I'll put it in brackets like this.]

We naturally open on a bunch of old shots of Tyra modeling, and get a few glimpses of our girls' audition tapes. Is that Brooke standing in front of that gorgeous mansion? I can't really tell. If it is, I need to find a way to get written into her will. Um...I totally loved all of your photos, Brooke! [The girls went through their panel interview. I'm so used to Melrose as a blonde now, but she looks better with brown hair. Thirteen finalists got chosen to live in the model pad.] Tyra reminds us that tonight, we get to relive it all from the beginning. Oh, good. I was just thinking to myself how much I miss watching Monique act self-entitled.

Opening credits. I know I said I wasn't going to focus on them this season, but I do have to point out that all of the previous winners are shown, except a conspicuously absent Adrianne. Makes sense, given that Tyra hates her guts now. Hehehe. [After the commercials, we see the girls run into the model pad and rhapsodize over it. Then it was off to the first photo shoot, where the girls wore ugly clothes. Melrose won the challenge, and Megg sparked off her streak of being totally HARDCORE.] When they get back to the pad, the girls are ambushed by Charlie (a stylist) and Sutan. They make the girls bring out all of their clothing, and Charlie carries in a garbage can marked "Fashion Trash". I love how he's wearing yellow rubber gloves, despite the can clearly being brand spanking new. I also love how this is 100% ripped from What Not To Wear. I don't even watch that show, and I know it's being scammed. Maybe that's why they never showed this scene.

Charlie and Sutan start tossing things they find gross, like something CariDee's mother used to wear. Christian gets a tank top trashed. Monique loses a pair of hiiiiiiiiiiideous sparkly silver boots. Girl, they just did you a huge favor. If you wore those things out, Whitney Houston would be tapping you on the shoulder, asking you where to get the good stuff. Eugena agrees that they're ugly. I'm glad she's with me, but Eugena really needs to look into Proactiv. Sutan goes to throw away what he thinks is an ugly outfit, but turns out to just be an ugly towel. Throw it away, anyway. I'm the biggest fan of green you're likely to meet, and I still think it's nasty. Both Charlie and Sutan love Melrose's stuff, and she smarmily interviews that she made a lot of the clothing that she brought. Ah, this must be where the other girls started to hate her. Pile on the girl who didn't get her clothing trashed! Anchal has way too much shit with rhinestones on it. Kayne is probably watching this somewhere, drinking champagne and thinking "Whatever, fuckers. Rhinestones rock." Sutan says the girls will someday thank the "two gay guys who came in here and raided your suitcases". Honey, if two gay guys are gonna come in and raid my suitcases, it ain't gonna be you. The girls are pissed off.

But help is on the way! The Monster Escalade drops the girls at a clothing store. Cripes, Charlie and Sutan are here, too. Two scenes, and I'm already tired of them. Sutan introduces the store as the new, hip-happening place for the Los Angeles elite to buy clothing. There's a little mini-challenge here in the store. The girls are to pick out a mini skirt, a nude bra and panty set, a large bag (to carry portfolios), a hair scrunchy, fitted jeans, a black cocktail dress, and a pair of sneakers. Yes, I'm sure that the Los Angeles elite go shopping for their cocktail dresses in the same store that carries scrunchies and sneakers. I can just see Nicole Kidman, all "Finally, a one-stop shop!". The challenge is that the girls have to grab all these items in five minutes. Sounds pretty tough. I doubt CariDee even remembers the list by this point. They begin, and the girls scatter. It's so weird to see Jaeda with long hair. Everyone grabs things they need as Charlie and Sutan harangue them annoyingly. Christian interviews something almost unintelligible. Seriously, I just rewound three times, and I'm still not sure what she said. Something about already owning everything on the list? Or something? Enunciate, Christian! Melrose gets a BZZZZZZ! sound for picking out a brown top, which is not on the list. Eugena's quite efficient. Christian gets a BZZZZZZ! for getting flip-flops, and Monique gets one for picking out a purple dress. I can't figure out if they're done and trying to grab extra stuff that the show will pay for, or are just stupid. Time runs out.

Back at the model pad, Melrose gets taken to task for acting like the "mom" of the house. As evidence of this, we're shown her recommending that the girls clean a dish before they use it, and offering to cook for everyone, as long as they do the dishes. Oh, my God! What a freaking bitch! How heinous of her to suggest a division of labor! Monique makes fun of her in the bedroom while wearing a pair of red wings and shouting into a sparkly gold microphone. How did those survive the Fashion Trash? She probably hid them in her ass. She goes on and on, and it's really not worth revisiting, because Monique's not smart enough to be funny, and isn't being incendiary enough to rant about. Oh, except she says "Die, bitch, die." which Melrose overhears. She understates in an interview that she's not interested in a friendship with Monique. Really? Why not? She's so likable! [The girls went to the photo shoot where Tyra "acted" like a bitch. Eugena and CariDee did well, while Melrose failed to kiss OJ's ass and got reamed for it. Man, that still makes me furious. Christian continues being marble-mouthed at panel. Maybe that's why she was eliminated four seconds later.] She interviews that she feels like she had more potential than Melrose, who was in the bottom two with her. I know hindsight is 20/20, but that statement makes Christian look even dumber now. Bye, sweetie! Take some diction classes!

Commercials. [When we return, the girls get their makeovers. Jaeda bawls when her hair gets chopped, because the girl whose hair gets chopped always freaks out. It's oddly comfortable in its reliability. Monique freaked out for no perceptible reason other than the fact that she's Monique.] Speaking of Monique acting like a rancid bitch (I know, it'd be more efficient to talk about the times Monique doesn't act like a rancid bitch, but I have to go with what the show tells me), someone eats her precious potato chips. Rather than respond like a human being, she throws away everyone else's chips. No, really. Not that the situation needs any further explanation, but we hear from Amanda that everyone pitched in the same amount, so all the food is community property. I guess Monique had dibs on the sour cream and onion or something. The other girls yell at her, but it's not like Monique has a self-aware bone in her body. She interviews that "Nice Monique" has gone out the window. Nice Monique? She must hang out with the Tooth Fairy. All the other girls can't even fathom why she acts the way she does. Suffice it to say they all know she's a psycho.

[Big wig photo shoot. Upon listening to OJ's critiques again, I'm reminded that this overprocessed bleach bomb wouldn't know how to direct a kindergarten play. He's so sucky. And did you hear he's going to be the main judge on Canada's Next Top Model? I guess it's about time we dump our loser celebrities on them. They did ship Elisha Cuthbert to us.] Megg melts down and cries that she can't model without listening to heavy metal music. Because she's HARDCORE. She...wants to be HARDCORE on every single photo shoot? Is she seriously that stupid? Is she seriously so stupid that "Is she seriously that stupid?" was a rhetorical question? Back at the model pad, she's cheered immensely by turning plastic flowerpots upside down and beating on them like drums. You guys, I was right. I think she may be retarded. [Megan got eliminated.] She interviews that she expected Monique to be in the bottom two with her (instead of Jaeda). We were all wishing that, Megan. Hey, whatever happened to the whole Queen Latifah segment? It's never mentioned.

[The girls "walked" a tightrope. Melrose did a good job, which didn't make Monique happy. DUH. Back at the pad, Melrose shoved Monique out of the phone room.] What we didn't see is Melrose trying to cook dinner, presumably for everyone. Monique grabs food away and repeats everything Melrose says, just to get under her skin. Because I guess Monique is six years old. In which case she really shouldn't be drinking that wine. I really wish someone had chopped all of her hair off in the night, like Harriet did to Laura Peters in "Harriet the Spy". That book fucking rocks. Sorry, when I'm trying to avoid an annoying scene, my mind goes to other places. [The girls tried to walk a straight line in high heels on cobblestones in front of Ronald McBre. Monique got sick. Unfortunately, it wasn't the bubonic plague. She begged off the photo shoot, which was the tilty platforms over the water one. Eugena wiped out, and CariDee popped out.]

Back at the model pad, a bird has gotten into the house, so this really is just like the last clip episode I watched. At least nobody thinks this bird is blind. Man, Nicole was a dumbass. She had no business winning her cycle. Not that I'm still bitter. Anchal climbs onto a wall partition to try and catch him. That was kind of hot. The girls try cajoling, poking, and throwing stuff at him. AJ actually almost catches him with her bare hands. Finally, he's herded out. Whew! Crisis averted. [Monique was cut. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! Melrose tried to keep from grinning wider than the Cheshire cat, but couldn't quite keep a lid on it, which makes me love her.] Commercials.

[The girls met with a contortionist and a model who looks like Pippi Longstocking gave up halfway through her sex change operation. Anchal was stretchier than she thought. Back at the pad, Melrose spewed gossip about Anchal that was overheard, and made Anchal upset. The fact that four others were also spewing gossip goes just as unmentioned here as it was then. Still bullshit. Eugena won a challenge. Tyra stopped by to Oprah about the girls' fears. Anchal spilled that she has heard people talking about her, and Melrose worried that she'd been singled out as "the mean one".] After Tyra leaves, Megg tells Melrose that she gets very frustrated with the way Melrose acts. Wow, I'm impressed. Megg managed to address a problem frankly, but honestly, and didn't come off as a total freak. Well done, Megg. OK, so Melrose now knows that she's been pegged as mean. The girls are politely bringing up valid concerns. This is where the words "I'm" and "sorry" should feature prominently. And they shouldn't precede words like "that you're all so oversensitive". Instead, she falls back on saying she's "misunderstood", and that INFURIATING thing where people say that they're just the way they are, and they're not going to change (what I like to call the "Accept me for the stupid asshole that I am!" defense). She goes on to dig herself even deeper with "I will not be walked on." and "I demand the same respect I give to all of you." And what respect would that be? Trashing them behind their backs? Listen, I think that other girls should be hanging on the same hook right about now, but it doesn't make her any less culpable. Melrose, I've been one of your biggest defenders. I've wandered all over the internet, trying to explain to legions of people who hate your guts why you're not so bad. But you're being a raging asshole. Shut up now, before you lose your last fan.

The other girls hate her even more now, and I can understand why. What's funny is that AJ talks to CariDee about the situation, and criticizes Melrose for throwing little jabs in her face. "I don't do that to [her]," AJ gripes. "It's so childish." Does AJ know she's being taped? [The girls posed as circus sideshow freaks. Megg sucked. Again. She cried. Again. The judges loved Melrose's photo, and Megg got cut.] Commercials. When we return, the girls do some watered-down yoga, then dance around with masks on. Why the masks are necessary, I can't imagine. [Michelle sort of admitted that she's sort of gay. There were a series of boring interview challenges, at which Melrose excelled, while AJ and Jaeda sucked royally.] AJ is pessimistic. Wah wah wah.

[Tyra dropped by for some more Diet Oprah interviews. The girls went to their celebrity couple photo shoot. AJ sucked. Jaeda "sucked".] Back at the model pad, Jaeda stages a fake elimination. She does an overwrought impression of Tyra that is pretty damn funny. She's certainly nailed the melodrama. It comes down to the twins in the bottom two. As Jaeda addresses each of them, CariDee rips a massive fart. Everyone cracks up. Including me. Jaeda winds up fake eliminating Amanda. [In the real elimination, Jaeda herself wound up in the bottom two, but AJ got eliminated. We are treated to another shot of her fugly hat, as if it hasn't burned into our brains like acid by now.] Commercials. [When we return, Tyra takes the "scary" black and white photos. Dita von Teese strutted her stuff, and the girls followed suit. They had a boring challenge on a dining room table, which Melrose won. Anchal was self-conscious some more. The girls posed with Fabio. Brooke got cut. The fact that Tyra was Queen of the Assholes that week is not mentioned.]

Now, only seven girls remain. Melrose, the "bold beauty with an eye for fashion". Eugena, the "sexy siren who sizzles on the runway". I promise I'm not making any of these descriptions up. Michelle, the "long tall tomboy and her photogenic twin," Amanda. I like how Amanda's so dull that "photogenic" was the only thing they could say about her. CariDee, the "stunner with the supersized personality". Anchal, the "gentle, breathtaking beauty". And finally, Jaeda, the "statuesque student". One of them will become...AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL. I like this final seven. I honestly wouldn't be upset if any of them won. As for predictions, Melrose is probably too disliked to win (although there's always an outlier), and the judges pretty much hate Eugena and Jaeda. Anchal's shyness may do her in, and Amanda tends to get outshined by her sister. So I'm going to tentatively guess a final two of Michelle and CariDee. Or my alternative guess is that the twins get double-eliminated, and Anchal takes the whole shebang.

Next week on America's Next Top Model: You're not the only one who can copy old material, Tyra: A photo shoot involving attacking a racecar driver. Um, OK. Some Mission Impossible sort of wire work. Anchal and Melrose throw down again.

Overall Grade: C

The Girl Who Graduates

America's Next Top Model - Season 7, Episode 6

Previously on America's Next Top Model: Michelle sort of came out. Janice Dickinson made the girls look foolish. Like they need the help. Melrose rocked the photo shoot, while AJ's "attitude" got her eliminated. I prefer to think it was because of the hat. Eight girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Model pad. Someone went grocery shopping, and the girls carp gently over what was purchased. Eugena is pretty much fed up with everyone else. She says that Jaeda's always whining about her hair, CariDee can't keep her clothes on, Anchal never stops complaining, and Melrose is a backstabbing ho. Despite being a firm Melrose fan now, I have no problems believing any of that. I wouldn't last a day in that house without going batshit. I'm impressed Eugena was able to last so long. Anchal is still self-conscious about her weight. I didn't notice it before, but the runway in the model pad is equipped with a camera and monitor, so the girls can actually watch themselves walking. Swanky. Night falls.

Morning. Brooke receives a package with a bunch of graduation-themed stuff in it. She's missing both graduation and prom to compete, which she's a little bummed about. Melrose wanders out into the backyard and "discovers" a bunch of photo equipment set up. She's met by Elyssa, who apparently produces all of the photo shoots. Elyssa's only there to introduce Tyra as the photographer, because without that introduction, Tyra wouldn't be able to make a grand entrance. We see some of the "work" that she's done as a photographer before she tells Melrose that she'll be shooting the girls today for an edgy black and white shot. She wants the girls to look angry and evil, but still exude sex appeal. To help with the evil part, the girls will be wearing some scary-ass contact lenses. Melrose is first, and has contacts that give her white irises. Brooke has the same ones. I guess we're supposed to think that the evil is being helped along by giving the girls really high bangs. I guess that works. The mall bangs the girls worked in junior high were pretty damn scary. Eugena's contacts are also white, but they're in a cat-eye shape. Cool! We never really get a closeup of Michelle.

Jaeda looks appropriately evil. She interviews that she doesn't like looking freaky; she'd rather be the pretty girl. There's a yearbook shot of her and a couple of sparkle-tooth "ding!" noises. Heh. Amanda's got the cat-eye, and starts off weak. When Tyra tells her to strike sharper poses, she does. Anchal's also got the silver cat-eye, and that color contrasting with her dark skin looks amazing. CariDee has the white iris effect. She enjoys being all scary, and does a great job. When she's done, she tells Tyra she's going to change back into Normal CariDee. I guess she doesn't realize that that's just as unsettling. Ba-zing!

That evening, the girls get some Tyra Mail that asks them if they're ready to flaunt their assets. I'm just glad it didn't say "flout" their assets, because learn the difference between those two words, America. CariDee gets all excited, hoping they'll be in lingerie. Why do I get the feeling that CariDee's bedpost has a lot of notch-marks in it? The next morning, the Monster Escalade drops the girls at a small theater. They're met by... Ick. It's that stylist (Sutan) that I dislike so much, I felt the need to comment on him before. I even suggested we see him look even more ridiculous, and let that be a lesson to be careful what we wish for. Here he is in drag, and yeah. Not an improvement. He says that the girls will be shown the fundamentals of being sexy, and introduces a "well-known" burlesque performer, Dita von Teese. She's very pretty, and does a little dance for the girls before sitting in a giant martini. No, really. Melrose tells Eugena that Dita is married to Marilyn Manson. Really? How does that guy keep scoring hot women? Rose McGowan could do so much better.

After getting dressed, she comes out and gives the girls a few tips on looking sexy without going over-the-top. She suggests using props, which leads us to a mini-challenge. The girls will need to strut their stuff across stage, using a prop. Sutan gives Anchal some unhelpful advice. She does her best with a sunflower, but is very uncomfortable. Michelle works a riding crop, interviewing that she's more used to being a tomboy. Melrose also has the riding crop, and struts around in a very stripper-like fashion, which Eugena gleefully points out to us. CariDee thinks Eugena doesn't have enough emotion, despite her gold pom-pons. Jaeda finds it difficult to act sexy with her short hair. She does fairly well with her pink boa. Amanda's got the sunflower. I think she kind of sucks, but Dita disagrees with me. The music ramps up for CariDee embarrassing strut. We're well beyond stripper and into streetwalker. Shocking. Brooke has a difficult time, but tries her best. Dita tells the girls to act with confidence and not second-guess themselves. Shot of Anchal, naturally.

Model pad. Jaeda is still going on about having long, luscious hair, and seriously. Enough with that now. Don't pull a Cassandra on us, Jaeda. Eugena interviews that she's tired of listening to Jaeda whine about her hair, and will be glad to see another girl go. She doesn't much care who. After the commercials, the girls get some Tyra Mail that mentions keeping their elbows off the table, but not their feet. CariDee must feel right at home. The Monster Escalade drops the girls at some house, where they meet Cathy Gould, the director of a modeling agency. With her is "supermodel" Kylie Bax. Not that I soak myself in the world of fashion or anything, but I've never heard of this woman. Let's not give her the "super" prefix just yet. Cathy introduces the upcoming challenge, which is so fucking stupid. Basically, the girls will walk up and down a dining room table, being "sexy" while people sit around watching them. Anchal is nervous again, because she doesn't have as toned a body as the other girls. Consider that theme understood, editors.

The challenge is really, really boring. The upshot is that Melrose does a great job, as usual, and Cathy feels that Anchal doesn't have a typical "runway body". I guess that's nicer than making a big MOOOOOOO sound. Melrose wins the challenge. The prize is an editorial spread in Seventeen. CariDee is pissed in her interview that Melrose wins so many challenges. Well, maybe you'd win if you didn't act like such a spazzy hooker all the time. Melrose gets to choose three friends to appear in the spread with her, and she picks Brooke, Michelle, and Amanda. There's a quick, badly-edited soundbite to make Eugena seem jealous of Melrose's win. Nice try, show. Melrose interviews that it's ironic that she's the oldest girl, but wins a spread in Seventeen. Melrose can correctly use the word ironic! I love her even more now. She and her chosen "friends" go to get their picture taken, and they're met by Atoosa Rubenstein. Fuck! Not that bitch again! Beau Quillian is present to help get the girls styled. Oof, someone's gone down in the world. At least he looks a little better now. The girls get photographed, and they all look quite nice.

That evening, at the model pad, Anchal whines about her lack of confidence, and blah blah I'll let you know if anything new pops up. CariDee tells her that once she starts eating better, she'll feel better. Anchal says that having CariDee talk to her and coach her helps her a lot. And if you watched this scene with a puzzled frown, because Melrose told her almost the exact same things and was branded a horrendous bitch for doing so, you're in good company. Commercials. When we return, CariDee reads a passage of Tyra Mail written in the melodramatic vein of a romance novel. I'm really distracted by the fact that a lot of the girls have huge bangs and weird high ponytails for no reason in this scene. Are they having a Debbie Gibson lookalike contest?

The next morning, the Monster Escalade drops the girls at a very nice estate. You'll can tell it's nice, because I used the word "estate" instead of "house". OJ springs out, plants his hands on his hips, and looks just as ugly and ridiculous as ever. He tells the girls to try and find the right side of the sexy/sleazy line, and lets them know that the photo shoot today will be recreations of romance novel covers. They show Melrose being excited at the news, but I'm more drawn by Jaeda's extremely sour face in the background. Each of the girls has a separate story to portray, which we'll get to when they're photographed. OJ introduces the photographer, Randee St. Nicholas. Nice name. What, Titty McGee was already taken? The girls get some makeup done before coming out to meet their costar. Why, it's Fabio! I guess his pressing schedule of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter commercials eased up a little bit. The girls are excited to meet him, Eugena saying how well she remembers his covers when she was a little girl. Heh, seriously. How old is he now? OK, I was curious enough to look it up. He's forty-seven, and looks damn fine for it. I'd like to know what he does as far as skin care.

CariDee is up first. She's portraying a peasant girl in love with a rich man. She actually reigns in the spazzy hooker routine, and looks very good. Fabio and OJ are impressed. Amanda is leaving Fabio for another woman. Er, I don't remember romance novels being heavy on the lesbian love, but whatever. Amanda is confused about how to convey this. Jeez, no kidding. Consequently, she doesn't do very well. She and Michelle talk with Fabio about how they like their own space, and are two very separate people. They ask if he ever wanted to be a twin, and he's all "Sure, why not?". Yeah, having an identical twin would be fun. Michelle's scenario is that she has a secret love child with Fabio. She says that lying in bed with a man and fake baby is very "different" for her. Well, I'd sure hope so. She's fairly uncomfortable during the shoot. Anchal is an Egyptian queen, and looks fucking awesome. There's just no other way to put it. Fabio is thrilled with her.

Eugena's scenario is getting caught with her secret lover. She's meh, as always. Jaeda plays a girl who falls in love with a vampire and gets bitten. Whoever styled her hair knows what he or she is doing, because she looks fantastic. She does several poses where she hangs limply, which makes sense given her story. When OJ suggests that she can do more active posing and grabbing, she jumps right in and does so. Brooke is next. She plays a woman desperately holding on to her man, who's leaving her. She clings to Fabio's leg and looks cartoonishly anguished. There's a lot of folderol about her growing up and finding herself as a person, and blah blah blah. Finally, there's Melrose, who plays a madam in a brothel. She does a fantastic job, of course. I know that there's no way in hell Melrose is going to win the season, because she's been given too much of the Bitch Edit (of course, I said the same thing about Jeffrey), but I'm pulling for her at this point.

Evening. Tyra Mail. Someone's gettin' eliminated. Brooke interviews that her high school graduation is during the panel judging tomorrow, and if she gets eliminated on the evening that she's supposed to be walking across stage to accept her diploma, that's going to suck. Indeed. Anchal worries that the guest judge is going to be Cathy, who thinks Anchal is a fatass. After commercials, we enter the Chamber of Doom on a picture of Tyra as a romance cover model. By herself, of course. And variations of the word "Tyra" and the word "Banks" appear three times. I'd ask to see the cover featuring Tyra's ego, but it'd be bigger than the AIDS quilt. And good God, check out her wig for panel. I don't even know how to describe it. It's voluminous and curly and juts out to one side. Combined with the fact that she appears to be kind of pissed off, she looks like she's about to shove Gretel in the oven. Prizes are recapped. Judges are introduced. Unfortunately for Anchal, her fear that Cathy would be the guest judge has come to pass. Boring! It should have been Fabio, or at least Dita. No final challenge this week, and we get right to the individual evaluations.

Up first is Anchal. Her black and white "scary" shot is terrific. The judges love it, but Tyra warns her to not let the makeup do all the work. It is true that the white contacts really contribute to the fact that the shot is so good. Not that that's Anchal's fault. Her romance cover shot is equally good. She is on fire this week. What was up with the forty bazillion segments about her body and confidence issues if she's going to do this well? Cathy likes the romance shot. Tyra warns Anchal not to back her butt up in a hoochie type of way. I confess that I'd have the same problem if asked to do that pose. Up next is Amanda. Her B&W shot isn't good. The judges disagree with me. Tyra brings up the fact that Amanda responded to direction well, which you'll want to remember. Her romance novel shot actually doesn't get a lot of comment, possibly because it's kind of dull, but the judges don't want to admit it. CariDee did a very nice job in the B&W, and Tyra loves how much she committed to the scary posing. Twiggy says that her romance novel shot shows a soft side previously unseen. I'd agree with that. In fact, the only criticism of CariDee that they can come up with is that she's wearing too much makeup to judging.

Brooke. They call her B&W shot "interesting". Ooh, that's not good news. Tyra says that there are two sides to Brooke: the newscaster girl and the photo shoot Brooke. Apparently, the photo shoot Brooke is good. I don't know, Tyra's babbling again. The judges like the longshot of her romance novel shot, but say that she has no expression in her eyes in the closeup. Twiggy likes Brooke's frown in the photo, but that's about the only good thing they say. Michelle. Her B&W features her sticking her tongue out to the side. It looks pretty good, and Tyra gives her credit for "stepping out of the box". Pardon me while I become totally juvenile for a moment. HAHAHAHAHA! OK, I'm done. Her romance novel shot isn't as good, since she's visibly uncomfortable. Michelle says it might be due to the fact that she's never laid in bed with another person. Tyra pounces upon this as a weak excuse that Michelle is trying to use to disavow responsibility for a bad shot. Jump to conclusions much, Tyra? She's offering a possible explanation for why she didn't do as well this week! It's perfectly reasonable! I think some chemicals in that shitty wig are soaking through to Tyra's brain.

Eugena. Tyra tells her she looks good with straight hair. She does. Her B&W shot is very good. The judges ask her how she was feeling when the picture was taken, and she cautiously opines that she was angry. Something about the way she phrases her answer sets the judges off again, and they tell her that she comes across as unlikeable. It progresses to the point where they directly order her to have manners and charm. Did the judges have some bad shrimp with dinner? Calm the fuck down, assholes! The judges tell her she has dead eyes again in her romance novel shot. Yeah, it's true.

Melrose. I think her B&W shot is gangly. Tyra thinks that she tried to come across as too glamorous. Her romance novel shot gets better reviews. Nigel calls it the best shot of the bunch. Tyra says that acting sexy comes easily to Melrose, but she needs to work on some other stuff. Even though being sexy was supposed to be the entire point of this episode, but there's no stopping the Avalanche of Bitch Tyra's got going right now. Jaeda. Her B&W is, and I hate the overuse of this word, but it's true -- FIERCE. The judges want her to be more enthusiastic at judging, so they'll probably cut her for losing her "spark" at some point, like they did to Toccara. Her romance novel cover is one of the ones towards the beginning, where she was trying to act like the undead woman she is presumably becoming. She looks pretty good. The judges say she looks uncomfortable and out of character. Of course, the fact that she responded well to OJ's direction (just as Amanda responded to Tyra's) is never brought up, and the later shots where she was clearly NOT uncomfortable aren't shown or mentioned, because the judges have a hard-on for beating up on Jaeda. Whatever. Fuck off, judges.

The girls are dismissed. Commercials. Deliberations. Twiggy likes Brooke, but Nigel and Cathy agree that she gives off too much of a pageant vibe. Anchal is exotic and sexy, but is "too pretty", whatever that means. Amanda has reached her "defining moment", which I don't take from these bland-ass pictures at all. The usual bullshit about Jaeda. CariDee is great, but is too eager. Eugena's attitude stinks. Melrose is uncomfortable being "freaky". Or something. Michelle didn't have the best week, and of course Tyra has to bring up the whole "excuses" thing, which MICHELLE NEVER DID. GAH! SHUT THE FUCK UP, TYRA. Elimination. Amanda is safe. CariDee. Anchal. Melrose. Jaeda. Well, good. Michelle is safe. Would you like to place bets on whether or not Tyra brings up the "excuses" thing again? You wouldn't? I don't blame you. Would Brooke and Eugena please step forward? Now, this is odd. Because after all the stupid crap these judges have been spewing for the past five minutes, this is actually the correct bottom two, in my opinion. Uncanny.

Brooke has a great personality, but doesn't have much model potential. Eugena has obvious potential, but has no respect or humility. At this point, I'm entirely convinced that Eugena is on her way out, so I'm shocked to see her get her photo. Wow. She gives Brooke a hug. Brooke starts to cry as she walks over to hug the other girls, and bemoans that fact that she's missing her high school graduation to get eliminated. A fair enough thing to bemoan. Tyra, still in her ungracious bitch mode, cannot let this pass unchallenged. Brooke wails piteously, and begins to walk out while expressing love for her fellow contestants. Tyra interrupts to harangue her for having the nerve to be upset at getting eliminated on the eve of her graduation, snotting that a lot of girls would be happy to be in Brooke's place right now. Really? I'm not sure I'd agree that there are many people who would like to be on the business end of a bullshit lecture delivered by a megalomaniacal cunt. Brooke has the good grace to agree and hug Tyra, rather than spitting in her face, which is what I wish she would have done.

Brooke's final interview talks about how she didn't see this elimination coming at all. Yeah, I'm with her on that one. Not that I disagree with her booting. We see her portfolio, and it's really weak. She says that she's given a lot up to be here, but that she wouldn't change anything, given the chance to do it over. She's a good egg. Back to the Future fadeout. Thankfully, this gives us a better view of Jaeda's impressive rack.

Next week on America's Next Top Model: A photo shoot involving attacking a racecar driver. Um, OK. Some Mission Impossible sort of wire work. Anchal and Melrose throw down again.

Overall Grade: C-

The Girl Who Punk'd Ashton

America's Next Top Model - Season 7, Episode 5

Previously on America's Next Top Model: Melrose asked the other girls to keep down their caterwauling so she could get a little sleep. This apparently makes her the spawn of Satan. AJ got covered in fake blood. Jaeda got covered in bullshit criticism. Megg got covered in finally going the fuck home. Nine girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Beautiful shot of the moon. The girls hang out in the backyard of the model pad, listening to CariDee play the guitar and sing. She's actually not bad. Jaeda is shaken by being in the bottom two for the second time. AJ interviews that she was closest to Megg, so losing her is like "losing this huge spirit". Not to mention a HARDCORE one. Don't fret, AJ. Maybe you'll see Megg sooner than you think. Spoiler! Melrose makes fun of the other girls for bawling at Megg's elimination. I'm starting to like Melrose more and more.

Morning. Everyone makes the observation that Amanda and Michelle are two very different people. Michelle is the "more outgoing" one. They proceed to prove this to us by her telling Jaeda that she might be gay. Shocked looks all around. Please. I so called this a long time ago. Eugena doesn't know if Michelle just came out or if she's "straddling the fence". There's some imagery for you. The twins go downstairs to get on the phone. Amanda interviews that she didn't really want to talk about this; she just wants it to go away. It doesn't sound like she disapproves, just that she doesn't want her sister's sexuality being scrutinized so publicly, which I can certainly get behind.

Tyra Mail. It says something about stupid questions. The girls hop in the Monster Escalade, and are dropped off at a studio of some sort. They're met by Mark Steines, one of the hosts of Entertainment Tonight, and a man I've never heard of because who watches Entertainment Tonight anymore? They show us some clips of him in action, in case we all thought he was lying. He tells the girls he's there to teach them how to conduct a good interview. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! Not the interview challenges! They're always so goddamn boring! They all get to hold a microphone and ask him a question. Zzzzz. There's wacky music to let us know how much the girls suck. Actually, a few of them aren't bad. CariDee, Michelle, and Melrose all do a good job. Ah, yes. About Melrose. As she goes up to talk to Mark, the girls call her "Mel-stank" (um...good one) and Smell-rose (better). It looks like AJ is leading the charge. And any chance that I'd buy this Melrose-as-bitch edit just withered and died. These bitches are calling her names to her face in front of a complete stranger in the middle of a challenge. Fucking twats. She asks them what is up with this treatment, then blows them off to go up to Mark. AJ, Jaeda, and Michelle make snotty, dismissive faces as she does her faux interview. God knows why, because she blows all of them out of the water. Melrose nails it in an interview, saying the girls are far too concerned with her, and not enough with themselves. Preach it, Melrose.

Model pad. Michelle thinks Amanda's not being herself. AJ asks if she's uncomfortable with her sister possibly being bi. Amanda doesn't really know how to respond. And...scene. After the commercials, the girls get some Tyra Mail that reads "BEWARE OF SUPERMODEL. SHE BITES!!!" Well, AJ certainly does. Geez, remember when she was my favorite? Seems like a million years ago. The girls get into the Monster Escalade, which drops them at some design studio. Mark is there. He tells them that they'll be working the red carpet at an opening here tonight. The girls are excited. AJ is wearing the ugliest hat in creation. Mark tells the girls that they'll have an earpiece so that he can help them. And the subject of their interview tonight will be...Janice Dickinson. Score. CariDee knows immediately what sort of hell they're in for. Jaeda interviews that she's seen Janice be "being kind of like...not a bitch, but...kind of like, yeah, kind of a bitch." Hehehe. Jaeda's so cute these days. Begin!

CariDee asks Janice what makes her so "overpungent". I have no idea what word she was actually going for there. And, oof. In news not related to the challenge, CariDee sure has large bags under her eyes. Brooke asks Janice what makes her so bitchy. Scratching record sound. Anchal sucks. Eugena starts off well, but is interrupted by a bird shitting on Janice. Hahahaha! Michelle is blah, though she gives a good effort. Amanda sucks. AJ sucks, and it's all her ugly hat's fault. Melrose does very well. Jaeda royally sucks. Janice sprints off with her microphone. After the evening is over, Mark and Janice come out to announce the winner, who will do an actual interview for Entertainment Tonight. Janice jumps on AJ's ugly hat again. Nice. AJ interviews that she loves her hat; she doesn't care what Janice thinks. That's nice, sweetie. Maybe you can show your hat to Megg later. Spoiler! Mark selects Melrose as the challenge winner. Janice excitedly agrees. AJ is relieved not to have won. Did she actually think she stood a chance?

Model pad. Tyra sneaks in and surprises the girls. I suppose we haven't had enough boring segments this week, because it's time for those Tyresome one-on-one interviews we get every season. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! Tyra tells the girls she's going to offer her guidance and share her vast knowledge and experience. I don't know why I'm constantly amazed at Tyra's gargantuan ego. She spots a drawing of herself on the refrigerator that AJ has done. It's not bad. Of course, Tyra would love any drawing in which she is the subject. Anyway, interviews. AJ wastes no time in getting teary, and calling Melrose out as "abrasive". Aw, I guess we can't all be as nice as AJ, who publicly calls people names. Cunt. Yeah, I said it. Melrose comes in with her ugly pink beret on. It certainly is the week of hideous headgear. She freely admits that sometimes her overconfidence can push others away. Tyra asks if she's scared to feel vulnerable. Um...duh, Tyra. Eugena is too cold. CariDee suffered from the heartbreak of psoriasis. Michelle is worried that Amanda isn't being herself. Amanda is withdrawn. She's worried for Michelle, knowing what a rough road an alternate sexual orientation can be.

Commercials. When we return, Michelle and Amanda get on the phone to tell their mother that Michelle basically just announced that she might be bi. Yeah, might be nice to tell the folks before the CW tells them. Their mom is kind of like "Uh.....OK, then." When she's done being stunned, she tells Michelle that she loves her no matter what. Aw. And she can't tell Amanda and Michelle apart on the phone. Heh. Oh, and apparently it's Mother's Day. Hahahahahaha! Happy Mother's Day, I'm a lesbian! Oh, man. Melrose goes to do her reward interviews. She talks to other people on CW shows, including that hot guy who plays Dick on Veronica Mars. Welcome to my short list of blonds, Ryan Hansen. Melrose does wonderfully. I'm going to go buy some posterboard and make a "GO, MELROSE!" sign with glitter. Back at the model pad, the girls get some Tyra Mail, which tells them that they'll be working with the person that knows them best. CariDee thinks it might be family members, which was my first guess as well. CariDee and I are thinking alike! Someone punch me!

The next day, the Monster Escalade drops the girls somewhere. I don't know, it's some studio or something. OJ pops out to greet them. Man, you'd think I'd be used to him after all these seasons, but I still cringe every time he appears onscreen. He tells the girls that they'll be posing with...themselves. They'll be shot once, go get made up again, then be shot again. And the theme? They'll be posing as celebrity couples. Zzzzzz. He assigns them their specific celebrities, which we'll get to later. OJ introduces the photographer, Matthew. The girls go to get made up in their first outfits. They pose in a set made up to look like a club, with some seriously awful extras "dancing" and "partying" behind them. Eugena's up first, as Jay-Z and Beyonce. Her Jay-Z is fine, but as Beyonce, she dances around like a complete hoochie. Anchal is next as Oprah and Stedman (about whom I know nothing). Her wig as Stedman is terrible. She looks like a Jehri-curled Charlie Chaplin. She does well as Oprah, though. CariDee is Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. She looks stupid as Brad, and has to corral a bunch of screaming little kids. Hah! I'm not feeling the Angelina either. Maybe I just don't like her bad wig.

AJ is Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony. She sucks at both. Brooke is Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. She does fine, though I don't know how challenging it is to look like white trash. For her Britney shot, they make her carry an eight-foot python named Banana. Hehehe. To her credit, she works well with Banana after some initial revulsion. Jaeda is Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston. She gives both of them some great energy, and winds up looking pretty damn good. Aw, you go, Jaeda. Michelle is Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi. Heh. She gives a perfect little Ellen dork dance. As Portia, her hair looks off. What is up with the stylists today? Amanda is Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. She's really boring, but I don't think it's her fault, given the boring people she has to portray. Melrose is Donald and Melania Trump. She does a very glamorous Melania. OJ tells her that almost every frame is useable. As Donald, she gives a hilarious pinchy face. I'm augmenting my "GO, MELROSE!" poster with little hearts made out of puff paint.

Model pad. Someone's getting eliminated! AJ is still wearing her fugly hat. Traditional hash out of who they think will wind up in the bottom two. Jaeda feels she did well at the photo shoot, but knows she did horribly in the other challenges this week. She says she don't know what she'll do if she winds up in the bottom two again. Don't tempt Tyra like that, Jaeda. After the commercials, we enter into the Chamber of Doom. No portrait of Tyra this week. Because what celebrity could burn as brightly as she? She asks the girls if they've had a whirled-wind of a week. IT'S WHIRLWIND! WHIRLWIND!!!!! Sorry, that's a pet peeve of mine. The prizes are recapped, and the judges are introduced, including guest judge Matthew, this week's photographer. Shit, there's a final challenge this week. And double shit, it's another interview challenge. The girls have to watch a clip of the Jays at a finale party and comment upon it. Unfortunately, they probably can't speak the truth, which is that both Jays look like crap on toast in this clip. As far as the challenge goes, it's a complete redux of the other ones, with the same girls doing well and the same girls doing poorly. Zzzzz.

Individual evaluations. CariDee is first. She did fairly well at the final challenge, and the judges inexplicably love her photo. Again. I think her Brad/Angelina shot is really unremarkable. Jaeda. She sucked at the interviews, but her Bobby/Whitney shot is great. The judges like the Bobby half more than the Whitney, saying she looks scared in that shot. Oh, she does not. The judges are impressed with Brooke's commentary challenge, and think she did an equally impressive job as Kevin/Britney. Yeah, I like the Britney half. I'm not feeling the Kevin photo, but then, I doubt that I ever could. She raps lamely again, much as she did way back when. Eugena looks embarrassed on her behalf. Amanda was too timid in her commentary. Nigel finds her Demi/Ashton shot the most convincing so far. Yes, if by "convincing" he means "dull".

Eugena was catty in her commentary, but Tyra doesn't seem too put off by it. The judges like the Jay-Z half of her shot, because it doesn't show her dead eyes. AJ's commentary was like "bad public access". Her Marc/Jennifer shot is cheesy and bland. Aw, you should have worn your ratty old hat, AJ! That would have won the judges over for sure. Michelle was very staccato in her commentary, but her Ellen/Portia photo kicks all kinds of ass. It really is awesome. At least the Ellen half. Melrose did a fantastic job in every challenge this week, and rocked the photo as well. I'm stringing my "GO, MELROSE!" poster with candy necklaces. AJ makes a snotty face. Eat it, bitch. Anchal's commentary sucked. But wow, did she nail the Oprah shot. The Stedman's not that great, but nobody cares much about him. Just like in real life.

Deliberations. Melrose was spectacular this week. Eugena is dead inside. Jaeda lacks confidence. CariDee is a keeper. Brooke performed strongly this week. AJ is incapable of being glamorous. Amanda has potential. Michelle is great. Matthew prefers Amanda, while Nigel prefers Michelle. Well, one of you isn't a regular judge, so I know who's going to win this fight. Anchal is too insecure. The judges chow down on donuts. Don't ask. It's a long story that's not amusing enough to go into. Elimination. Brooke is safe. Melrose. Another snotty face from AJ, like, GET OVER YOURSELF. Amanda is safe. CariDee. Michelle. Eugena. Anchal. Will Jaeda and AJ please step forward? Brief sidebar. Every week, when it gets down to two girls, I type out their names before Tyra says them, so I can attempt to stay ahead of her. And I'll be damned, but every week, Tyra says them in the opposite order, so that I have to go back and rewrite it. It's like she's doing it out of spite!

AJ takes nice pictures, but has no desire. Jaeda has no confidence. Both of them lack passion. And...Jaeda is spared from the gallows yet again. Yes! AJ makes a move to knock fists with her, but Jaeda doesn't see it, and leaves her hanging. Hahahaha! Tyra and AJ give each other weird little Japanese-lookin' bows. AJ hugs the girls. Even Melrose, though she tells her to "be nice". Shut up, AJ. Her portfolio is quite good, and she voices-over that Tyra eliminated her for the right reasons. Well, thanks for being mature about your elimination, AJ. Perhaps you could apply some of that maturity to not coining nicknames that would make a third-grader look ancient by comparison. She wears her disgusting hat in her final interview. Begone, AJ. You make me tired. Back to the Future fadeout. And then AJ is voted last week's Cover Girl (that audience-favorite poll online). The pull quote even praises her attitude. Hahahaha.

Next week on America's Next Top Model: Eugena hates everyone else in the house. The girls dress as transvestite vampires. Or something. Burlesque is involved. Don't you need to have actual thighs to be good at that?

Overall Grade: C+

The Girl Who Joined the Circus

America's Next Top Model - Season 7, Episode 4

Previously on America's Next Top Model: Monique was a bitch. Monique was a bitch. Monique was a bitch. Monique got eliminated. Ten girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Model pad. Everyone is relieved that Monique isn't darkening their doorstep anymore. Although I guess she darkens everything, given her horrific childhood problems. A bunch of girls pile into the large shower, apparently trying to recreate Act II of a straight porn movie. They squeal and shriek and have a grand old time. Melrose gets out of bed and comes into the bathroom to ask them to keep it down, so that she can get a few hours of sleep before they have to get up. Isn't she a rancid bitch? No, seriously. The show would like us to think that Melrose is being an insufferable snot...for asking people to stop screaming in the middle of the night. Nice try, show. Megg interviews that she doesn't appreciate Melrose's attitude, because she just wants to rock n' roll, and have a good time. How very HARDCORE of her. Brooke interviews that Melrose rubs everyone the wrong way, and that she's a know-it-all. Yeah, people who want to get three hours' sleep before a competition are such assholes.

Jaeda interviews that her confidence has been shaky ever since they slashed all of her hair off. She says that modeling is way harder work than she thought it'd be. Meanwhile, someone asks Anchal if she wants to come eat with them, and she assents, even though she just ate. She goes to the kitchen and starts cooking four eggs, all of them for herself. I'm not one to give people shit for eating a lot. If I did, I'd instantly be struck by a bolt of lightning. But, yeah. Anchal does seem to be packing it in. She interviews that she doesn't have a flat stomach like the other girls, and has actual hips and larger breasts. I like how she snuck that one in there. Heh. She says she grew up hearing a lot of criticism (shots of her as a kid...aw), but she just takes it in and doesn't say anything.

Tyra Mail! Key words include "twisted", "stretch", and "bend over backwards". Hey, maybe they really are making a porn. The Monster Escalade drops the girls off at a building with some colored lights and a few sad balloons for decoration. They're met by Stacey McKenzie, a very gifted drag queen who models and is a judge on Canada's Next Top Model. Sorry, what? She's not a drag queen? She's a woman? Hehehe. Good one. But, anyway... Huh? She actually is a woman? Um... Wow. If this is what Canada considers a model, it's no wonder nobody ever takes them seriously about anything. "She" introduces a man named Jonathan, a contortionist who's going to show the girls some extreme poses. Bend, stretch, blah blah blah. Stacey pretends that the girls would have to do these poses for a high fashion show, just as OJ pretended that actual high fashion shows would have tilt-a-whirl runways that dump the models into a pool. Tyra? Sweetie? Give up the ghost.

The girls, now wearing fugly leotards, attempt to do some leg stretches. Anchal is surprisingly gifted at pulling her leg over her head, which she interviews was a shock to her. After they're done, Melrose tells her she's surprised at her. "Why, you didn't think I could do it?" Anchal snots. Melrose says that it's not that, it's just that she didn't know Anchal had that talent. And I'll remind you that Anchal herself didn't know, which she just told us ten seconds ago. Anchal goes on to ask the group that if she's so flexible, why isn't she skinny? Melrose answers that flexibility has nothing to do with being skinny, and that Anchal has to exercise. Anchal says she does exercise. Melrose says that she hasn't seen her. Anchal snaps that she hasn't exercised in the model pad, but she does at home. Then she interviews that she doesn't see why Melrose has to concern herself with Anchal's body. This scene is, again, played from the "Isn't Melrose a catty snatch?" angle. And is, again, unfair. Why should Melrose concern herself with your body? Maybe because you just asked everyone why you're not skinny. Sorry your compliment fishing expedition didn't bring in the haul you were expecting, Anchal. Reap what you sow.

Evening. Model pad. Melrose, Jaeda, Brooke, Michelle, and Amanda are hanging out in the hot tub discussing Anchal. Michelle opens with the fact that Anchal is equal parts insecure and looking for compliments. Melrose agrees, saying she thinks Anchal may sometimes put on a wounded front so that someone will reassure her. She didn't mean to insult her, but obviously offended her. Jaeda interviews that Melrose comes across as pushy, but has good intentions. When did Jaeda become so awesome? Meanwhile, in the terrace above the hot tub, the other girls (save Eugena) are smoking and eavesdropping. The hot tub girls say that since this is a competition, they should just let Anchal eat and not exercise, and thus suck. Jaeda says that Anchal is beautiful and doesn't know it. Melrose says that Anchal certainly does know it, given the fact that the judges tell her so every week. Melrose thinks Anchal's not working her beauty well. I have to say, I agree with pretty much everything these hot tub gossips are saying. Anchal does fish for compliments, is insecure, and is not using her beauty to deliver good pictures. This is all fact, often substantiated by Anchal herself. The one legitimately bitchy thing Melrose says is that she considered Anchal her stiffest competition at first, but that she's "not becoming more beautiful" to her. CariDee interviews that they heard Melrose trashing Anchal. I guess Michelle, Amanda, Brooke, and Jaeda are all imaginary. So of course Anchal bursts into tears and runs inside. She cries as AJ comforts her, calling the other girls "fake". Commercials.

When we return, Anchal interviews that she was hurt by Melrose's comments. Sepia-toned flashback for those viewers whose memory doesn't span beyond three minutes. AJ gives her a hug, and interviews that she hates Melrose, and that it takes a lot of strength not to "retaliate" when she says mean things. Again, I'll totally buy that Melrose is annoying, but she's not half as bad as these people are making her out to be. Anchal vows to do the best she can in the competition. Later, the girls are whisked off to dinner where they await a "special guest". The guest turns out to be Twiggy. The dinner conversation is boring and unimportant; it's just another opportunity for the other girls to interview about Melrose's annoying habits. This one is that she kisses up to people. And yeah, this time I can't argue the point. Take it down a couple of notches, brown-noser.

Morning. Tyra Mail! It says something about "knocking you off your pedestal". Brooke thinks they'll be jousting, which would have been cool. The Monster Escalade drops the girls at an art gallery, where they meet a designer named Bao. She explains the next challenge, which will be to strike a dramatic and artistic pose to show off her collection of gowns. Jaeda is literally slack-jawed with worry. She knows she didn't do well at the contortionist stretches. Bao introduces a jeweler named Erica, who tells the girls that they may select one of the ten pieces of jewelry behind her to wear in the challenge. The girls get made up and stretch. When they're ready, they strut out to the main room, where pedestals await for them to stand on. The gowns are actually pretty cool; they manage to be interesting while avoiding that pitfall of being ugly. The girls are told to select their first pose. It looks like they have to hold that for a while, then choose another one. Guests stroll around and look at the girls. Amanda stumbles a bit. Melrose interviews that she's pretty confident in this challenge. After some more boring posing, the challenge ends. Bao gets to select the winner, and she chooses Eugena. Fair enough. She wins all the jewelry the girls wore, the total worth of which is about $32,000. Wow. After the challenge, it's time to pick on Melrose some more. She talks to the other girls about what she could have done better, and a bunch of them interview that she yaps a lot (which is true), and would like to see her gone. AJ makes a face behind her while she's blabbing. Heh. Hey, at least she's talking about how she can improve, and isn't all "Hey, I should have won! I'm so fabulous!" Commercials.

When we return, Tyra meets the girls at the model pad. It's another one of those hideously boring segments we get every season, where Tyra pretends to be Oprah to get the girls to open up to her. She wants to talk about the girls' fears. Melrose dreads being the "old one" (and she's twenty-three -- yikes). Jaeda wants to show confidence with her new hairstyle. Tyra mentions interpersonal relationships, which of course leads to the whole Anchal-overhearing-gossip thing. There's another sepia-toned flashback, and OH MY GOD, WE KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. WE WERE SITTING RIGHT HERE. Anchal cries as she talks about having no confidence in herself, which Jaeda interviews is fake. Wow. Tyra relates the story of being intimidated by another model that she couldn't stand up to. She doesn't name names, but I think we can just call this other model Caomi Nampbell. Melrose interviews that she now feels singled out as "the mean one". Yep, I'd say so. The girls get Tyra Mail that says that models are often "FREAKS of nature"; then we cut to the next day, as the girls are driven to their photo shoot out in the middle of nowhere.

They get out of the Monster Escalade in some ugly industrial yard, part of which has been converted into a circus-type setting. Finally a place where OJ fits in. He tells the girls they'll be portraying characters from turn of the century freakshows. I assume he means the turn from the 19th to the 20th century. The freakshows of this last century turn would be, like, Paris Hilton. OJ introduces Mike, the photographer, and the two give the girls their roles. The girls go to get made up. In the middle of preparation, OJ asks the girls to come outside to meet their special guest. It's Atoosa Rubenstein, editor-in-chief of Seventeen magazine, who will be sitting in for the shoot. AJ is up first. She's a cannibal, and there are bloody body parts strewn all over her cage. Plus, there's a hunky male model who gets to just lay there as she drips blood from her mouth all over him. It's pretty cool, actually. Brooke is rubber girl. I can't really concentrate on her shoot, because I'm listening to the music, which is ripped directly from the theme music to Dead Like Me. They should have used that for AJ's shoot! Man, that show was so great. Sigh. Canceled before its time. Michelle and Amanda are Siamese twins, joined at the foreheads. They start off kind of slow, but eventually get into it and give some good poses. Megg is the bearded lady. She sucks rocks, as always. OJ is disappointed in her, and she flees to the makeup trailer to get her beard taken off. She cries and says she has potential and knows she can do better. Megg, having seen your other pictures? No, you can't.

CariDee is the elephant woman, and her makeup job is really good. She has a little top hat and parasol. Eugena is the bird lady. She has a beak and poses in a cage. OJ seems to like her posing. Anchal is the "giant lady". She plays a tiny violin. They stop to do some touchup on her makeup, and OJ gives her some posing pointers. Atoosa comes over and spews a bunch of claptrap that amounts to literally no meaning. Actually, let me go back and get this verbatim: "I always feel like the best pictures, the most beautiful fashion pictures, is where there's like a real thing happening. So, like, get to that place." Gee, thanks, Atoosa! That's so helpful! I can see why they made you editor-in-chief! Anchal takes some more pictures hunched over a tiny table. OJ seems to think the second set is a big improvement. Jaeda is the strong-woman. She's had abs drawn on that look quite realistic. She also has a barbell and a feathered cape. After a few shots, OJ tells her to imitate the picture of Tyra in the model pad where her teeth are bared in anger. Jaeda does a weak growl. OJ tells her to commit to it, and she does a better one. He tells her that they'd like to spend less time coaxing her out of her shell, so that she can take more good photos. Melrose has an "old face/young body". She gives a nice variety of poses that drives OJ crazy. The good kind of crazy. Atoosa is impressed as well. Too bad I have no respect for her opinion anymore.

Evening. Model pad. Brooke would like to get through the Tyra Mail quickly, because Amanda's got to pee really bad. Hehe. Upcoming elimination. Anchal munches an ice cream bar. Mmm, I want one of those right now. Girls hash out who they think will be going. Jaeda's really anxious. Commercials. We come back to the Chamber of Doom, and a picture of Tyra as a lion tamer with a whip. I pick on Tyra a lot, but it's a really good photo. Tyra is pleased that nobody looks stupid at judging, for once, and recaps the prizes. She introduces the judges, including guest judge Atoosa Rubenstein. No final challenge, and we go straight to the photo evaluations. AJ is up first. The judges love her cannibal shot, and I agree that's it's great. Eugena finally gets compliments for her photo. It's not a terrific shot, but I will say that it's the best Eugena's done so far. Brooke. For the third week in a row, the judges like her photo more than I do. Twiggy actually articulates my feelings the best, saying that Brooke's body language as the rubber girl is great, but the face is a letdown. Michelle and Amanda. They bonk heads before stepping forward. Heh. Their photo is quite good, but Tyra points out that the way the light is hitting Amanda's chin makes it look swollen. Ew, she's right! I wish she hadn't pointed that out; I'd never have noticed otherwise. Anchal. The judges think her shot is generically beautiful, but she didn't convey "giant" well. She looks fine to me. She's hulking a bit, which really works.

Jaeda. Twiggy loves her snarling face as the strong-woman. Atoosa tells her that she took too long to direct, basically parroting OJ's line from earlier. Tyra tells her she would have preferred to see Jaeda look aloof as opposed to mean. OK, stop. First of all, Atoosa (and by the way, nice name -- you sound like a Pontiac), you're supposed to be judging on the photo; not the photo shoot. OJ's coaching should have nothing to do with how you view her at panel. Second of all, Atoosa (all-wheel drive and power windows come standard!), all of these girls get an allotted amount of frames to get a good shot. Jaeda received no more than anyone else, and she GOT THE SHOT. Maybe it came towards the end, and there weren't a lot of good shots to pick from, but so what? OJ gets to critique Jaeda about this; you don't. Third of all, Tyra, you never tire of yelling at the girls for refusing to follow OJ's direction. Jaeda did exactly what OJ asked of her (with the angry face), and now she's getting shredded for it. This entire critique of Jaeda was complete bullshit.

Melrose gets raves for her shot. I like it, too. Megg's shot is boring and awful. Again. Finally, the judges see it, too. Twiggy says she looks like she's waiting for the photo shoot to start. Nigel says that she looks a little down right now, and asks what the matter is. She cries, and says that she's capable of more than she's been giving in her photos. Don't fall for it, judges! Tyra tells her to put that insecurity into her photos, because it's not like the bearded lady has all sorts of fun being stuck in a freakshow. Hey, Tyra just made a good point! CariDee looks fairly awesome as the elephant lady. I'm just glad she didn't bug me this week. Of course, she didn't have a lot of screentime. The judges wet themselves over it. Megg is still crying. The girls are dismissed. Commercials.

Deliberations. Which freak is going home? Melrose did a fantastic job. Atoosa thinks Brooke is sweet (way to miss the point again, idiot), but Twiggy points out she has yet to deliver a great photo. Eugena may have just had a lucky shot, because Atoosa thinks she was dead-eyed for most of the shoot. Atoosa? Sweetie? JUDGE ON THE ACTUAL PHOTO YOU'RE GIVEN. Oh, one more thing. SHUT THE FUCK UP, ASSHOLE. AJ was wonderful. Twiggy thinks Megg is a disaster. Atoosa disagrees, because Megg has a good personality. Nigel points out that a good personality doesn't necessarily translate to good pictures, like, DUH. SHUT UP, ATOOSA. SHUUUUUUUT UUUUUUUUUP! Tyra tells the judges to judge Michelle and Amanda separately. They both seem to be fine, though the judges once again seem to prefer Michelle over Amanda, which I believe has happened just about every week. Twiggy thinks that Anchal is pretty, but can't model. CariDee rocked her trunk. Jaeda had to be pushed too much. Yeah, it's still bullshit. Twiggy didn't know the abs in her photo were fake. Hehehe.

Elimination. CariDee is safe. She spazzes, of course. Eugena. AJ. Melrose. Michelle. Anchal. She pumps her arms and says "Fee-Fi-Fo-Thank God" as she walks up. Hah! Amanda. Megg looks around to see how many girls are left. Not many, twit! Brooke is safe. Will Jaeda and Megg please step forward? Megg has a good personality (pffft), but it's not showing in the pictures. Tyra plainly hates Jaeda's guts no matter what she does, so whatever. Still, Jaeda's getting another chance, so Megg will be on her way. Yes! Megg thanks the judges for the opportunity, and says that she'll use this to make her stronger. In her final interview, she says she'll miss the other girls a lot. Well, some of them. She talks about becoming a musician-model. If she sings as well as she models (as we see her God-awful portfolio flash on screen), our eardrums are in trouble. Bye, Megg! Guess you weren't HARDCORE enough, after all. Back to the Future fadeout.

Next week on America's Next Top Model: Michelle says she might be gay. America yells "Ya think!?!?!?!" in unison. Janice Dickinson tears the girls to shreds, which is always fun.

Overall Grade: B-

The Girls Who Go To Texas

America's Next Top Model - Season 7, Episode 3

Previously on America's Next Top Model: Makeover drama. Most of which came from the always irritating OJ. Melrose and Monique hated each other. I guess the show would like us to pretend that everyone else in the house thinks Monique is a big, fluffy kitty. Megan refused to burst into tears at the drop of a moving wig, and she was sent home. Eleven girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Model pad. The girls have set up a mattress-surfing contraption on the stairs, and have all sorts of fun sliding down. I'm sure it's a little different from the mattress-surfing they usually do. Ba-zing! Jaeda misses her hair, but vows not to screw up the opportunity she has by continuing to freak out over it. Progress! AJ and Melrose agree that either Monique or Eugena should have gone home last week, because of their terrible attitudes. Welcome to "reality" television, ladies, where terrible attitudes are the inside track to making it to the final four. Melrose interviews that Monique has lashed out at everyone there. Well, not everyone, because she knows that Michelle could kick her ass five ways from Sunday, despite weighing forty-five pounds.

The girls climb into the Monster Escalade, and get some Tyra Mail about "watching their step" and being "on the line". Someone concludes from this that they're going bungee-jumping. No, but I can't wait for the inevitable day when that's the photo shoot. Melrose says she always tries to figure out what the Tyra Mail means, because "nothing that [they] do there is pointless." Hahahahahaha! Good one, Melrose. The girls walk into, like, someone's backyard, and find Miss J rigged up to a tightrope. Sort of. There are straps to hold onto to make sure you don't fall. Brooke interviews that Miss J is a royal mess. Hehehe. He walks across (in a black tutu, of course), then tells the girls that they'll be learning about balance and posture this week. All the girls walk the rope, and it's really boring. Insert more Monique hates Melrose hates Monique hates Melrose blah blah blah.

More Tyra Mail awaits the girls back at the model pad. It tells them that tomorrow, they'll "rock their own line". Melrose gets onto the phone with her mom, and Monique comes in, saying she called first dibs on it or whatever. It's funny that after the shit she pulled last week, Monique expects her sworn enemy to be like "Really? Oh, I'm so sorry! Here, take it!" Melrose, of course, won't give it up, though she's a lot more polite about it than she could have been. Monique just keeps on blathering, and Melrose says "this is the girl I was talking about" into the phone. Hehehe. I bet that killed Monique. I wonder if I would like Melrose half as much if Monique weren't around. The enemy of my enemy and all that. Melrose shuts the door to the phone room, physically pushing Monique out. Brooke sees which way the wind is blowing and basically begs them not to stir all that shit up again. Brooke's a sweetie. Monique walks away, more because she's a big puss than because she's ceding the point. When Melrose exits the phone room, Monique is lying in wait, and intentionally bumps her shoulder as she walks by. Melrose laughs, because Monique is about as intimidating as a Strawberry Shortcake coloring book. Monique complains to the only two people who will listen about what a bitch Melrose is: her mom and Eugena. I don't just mean the two people she currently has access to. Those are literally the only two people in the world who wouldn't be all "Fuck off". Eugena interviews that Monique gets stressed out too easily, and that this competition may be too much for her. No kidding. I doubt Monique could get through a game of Chinese Checkers without throwing a tantrum.

To "get back" at Melrose over the whole phone thing, Monique tells Eugena she's going to rub her stank underwear all over Melrose's bed. Shot of Melrose going to bed. Um...with a towel still wrapped around her wet hair. Do women actually do that? Anyway, Monique follows through on this threat by...lightly swabbing a tiny area of the comforter. So she not only doesn't have the balls to confront Melrose, but she can't even touch an area of the bed that Melrose will come into contact with. Yeah, you're scary. Melrose wakes up for about two seconds, but basically doesn't care. Jaeda is far more grossed out. The girls worry that Monique will come in the night and do stupid crap like pour lemonade on them. It's a distinct possibility. Commercials.

When we return, Monique is bragging to Anchal, who's like "Fuck off". See? Anchal's basically tired of both of them. Melrose tells Michelle (or Amanda) that's she not scared, because she's had lots of girls attack her before. Is that really something to brag about? Brooke's just excited for the challenge.

Veruca (splayed out on the bed, breast feeding): "Put in there that I like Brooke."

The girls are dropped off at the challenge, where they meet Miss J and Bre (from season 5), who looks ridiculous. She's dyed her hair brick red, which makes her look like Ronald McDonald's love child. There's a straight line marked on the ground (which is made of cobblestones), and the girls will have to put on gowns, high heels, and masquerade masks to walk it. Michelle interviews that the masks limit their sight severely, so the girls will be essentially blind as they do their high-heeled walk on cobblestones. Yeeks. Most of the girls stumble quite a bit, and I cringe in sympathy pain. Walking on uneven pavement is how I sprained my ankle, and I can see that happening here all too easily. AJ has no problems whatsoever, interviewing that she just naturally tends to walk in a straight line. Monique and Brooke do good jobs as well. Miss J gathers the girls, and says that the winner will be flown to Austin, Texas to do a fashion show that raises money for some Dennis-Quaid-endorsed charity. Hey, as long as it's not Randy Quaid, I'm happy. Brooke gets all excited, because she's from Texas, and would love to go home. Not that she'll get to see anything or anyone that she knows, but her excitement is rather cute. AJ is declared the winner, and gets to pick two girls to go with her. Brooke practically begs, and AJ kind of bitchily chooses Megg (who thinks this'll be rock and roll, because she's HARDCORE) and CariDee instead. Not that she owes it to Brooke or anything, but still. Throw the girl a bone. Brooke gets misty as she interviews that she really wanted to go. Aw.

Back at the model pad, Monique tells us that she started to feel really ill. Yeah, that'll happen when you have fire ants where your soul should be. Melrose thinks her "negative energy" is "breeding on itself". The next morning, AJ, Megg, and CariDee get on their plane for Texas. I will say that going to model in a fashion show put on by an actual celebrity is a way better challenge prize than these girls usually get. Once they get there, they meet up with a bunch of other models who will be walking in the show. Cycle 4's Rebecca (also known as Splat!), Coryn from Cycle 5 (who has finally introduced her eyebrows to some tweezers, thank God), April from Cycle 2, Fucking Shannon from Cycle 1, Mercedes from Cycle 2, Brittany from Cycle 4, and Camille from Cycle 2. Camille tells our current girls that she's in a new country every month. Yeah, maybe if she's a flight attendant now. Dennis Quaid comes out to meet them, and they pretty much melt. Hehe. The fashion show starts. Megg sucks, of course, though she calls the experience rock n' roll, because she's so HARDCORE. Fucking Shannon is still slack-jawed lo these many years later. Also, I would be remiss if I didn't mention that CariDee sniffs her palm backstage, like she just farted on it or something. She does a ridiculously spazzy turn on the runway. CariDee is one of those girls I don't like, but I feel bad for not liking. She seems like a nice enough sort, but she's so exhaustingly incompetent.

Back at the model pad, the other girls discover some Tyra Mail that reads "Time to walk the plank", and someone says that they'll be dressed up as pirates. Heh. No, but I'm sure that'll pop up in a season or two. Brooke goes in to check on Monique and ask her if she can get her anything. Aw. Brooke is certainly nicer than I would be to her. Brooke and Eugena interview that Monique looks like death, and she's going to go to the hospital. She does indeed get driven there, and wanders into the hospital, the emergency entrance of which looking like it's under massive construction. Shouldn't the emergency entrance be, you know, ACCESSIBLE? Commercials.

When we return, Monique interviews how horrific the hospital was, but all we see is her coming straight back home, and hearing that she's dehydrated and needs to get some fluids into her system. OK. I'm sure being dehydrated is no fun, but it's not like she's got heartworm or something. She still looks like hell in the morning, but drags herself to the Monster Escalade anyway. AJ, Megg, and CariDee come back, and head straight for the photo shoot. OJ meets all the girls at the shoot, and introduces them to two designers, whose work they'll be wearing. One of the designers tells them that the clothes are fragile, so they can't move around a lot. Too bad, Megg. I'm sure you wanted to do some headbanging, being so HARDCORE and all. Hair and makeup. Monique gives up having the strength to do the shoot, turns around, and gets driven right back to the model pad. Michelle holds no quarter with that, remembering that Danielle (in cycle 6) had an IV at one point, and made it to the shoot where she had to ride an elephant. I'll also mention that Joanie had her teeth yanked out and made it to the shoot, and let's not forget the whole food poisoning thing.

OJ tells the girls they're beginning to look like real models, and takes them to look at the runway. It's a series of boards suspended over a swimming pool. Megg pumps her arms in the air a lot. Know why? She's so HARDCORE! I knew you'd get it. OJ pretends that shows like this are not unrealistic. Um...yes, they are. And if he'd told the girls that big fat lie, I wouldn't care, but he's telling us, so allow me to tell him to shut the fuck up yet again. The girls get dressed. The dresses are ugly. The show starts. Hey, there's even a little audience to watch. The thing about these planks that comprise the runway is that they're not connected. Different sections of it tilt when you step on them, so it's really difficult to keep your balance. The girls are walking in high heels, so really anyone managing to stay upright is deserving of some serious respect, here. Brooke goes first. She's got the unfortunate distinction of being totally pretty in real life and in interviews, but looking kind of fug in her photos. She manages to get out and back without falling. Yay! Jaeda makes it as well, and I have to admit that she did a really good job this week overall. So...yay! Anchal stumbles quite a bit, but makes it. Yay! CariDee's left boob is hanging entirely out. One of the designers admiringly calls her "so Paris". Well...EXACTLY. When did that become a good thing? She does more ridiculous spazzy arm pumps at the end of the runway. Megg walks really slowly, so as not to fall into the pool, but in doing so, looks really boring. AJ does great. Michelle stumbles a bit, but manages to strike a pose at the end of the runway. Amanda does fine. Eugena. Ah, Eugena. Eugena is the one girl that doesn't quite make it back. Her foot slides on the runway, and she goes down, racking her knee against the side as she slips partway into the pool. Ouch. Melrose has the toughest outfit to walk in. It's a really long, flowy skirt. And she does great. She wobbles a tiny bit, but never loses concentration. Even OJ is impressed. He's not through torturing them, so he makes them do a final walk with multiple girls on the runway at the same time. On wobbling, wet, narrow planks. Even the background music could best be described as "Check Out These Crazy Bitches".

Back at the model pad, Eugena tells Monique how difficult the shoot was. Some Tyra Mail announces the upcoming elimination. The girls hash out who they think may be going. Jaeda isn't sure, but suspects Eugena blew the hardest at the photo shoot. Other girls talk about how they would have done the shoot no matter how sick they were, as Monique sits outside in a floppy sun hat, reading the Bible. It cracks me up how holy she thinks she is. Maybe Mary and Joseph weren't allowed to stay at the inn because Mary pretended to pee on someone's bed. She doesn't know how she's going to explain herself to the judges. I can't work up even the tiniest iota of caring. Commercials.

Tellingly, there's no portrait of Tyra as we enter the Chamber of Doom this evening. Methinks the lady doth not want to fly headlong into a pool and ruin her wig. The guest judge this week is one of the clothing designers from the photo shoot. There's also a final challenge. The girls will have to balance a bowl of fruit on their heads, and walk up to the judges' table and back. Mostly everyone sucks. AJ does well, as she has done with all the tasks this week. Jaeda also. Well done! I have no idea where this soft spot for Jaeda has come from, yet here it is. Eugena and Monique are so-so. Brooke lets the fruit slide right off her head, then finishes her walk with a smile. Hee. Now, it's time for individual photo evaluations. Jaeda is up first. Tyra feels her body pose isn't strong, but Twiggy disagrees, saying that Jaeda really sold the outfit. I'm just impressed with the fact that she's posing for the camera, and doesn't look like "Am I about to fall into this water?" at all. Amanda's is fine. Michelle's walk was sloppy, but her photo is good. Megg is HARDCORE. CariDee is fun in her incompetence. Whatever, Tyra. Her photo is awful. Tyra loves it, but no. She's winking at the camera, and looks like a deluded mental patient who just woke up to find drool all over her straitjacket. She's entering Baby Jane territory. And keep in mind that this is her best shot. Bleh. Twiggy finds Monique vacant. The judges tell her people won't care in the real world that she's sick. They say that she'll be judged tonight on previous performances and overall potential. Melrose. The judges love her photo, saying that she pulled off looking pissed off and gorgeous simultaneously. For the second week in a row, the judges like Brooke's photo, whereas I think it's really pretty bad. But since I like Brooke, I don't mind. AJ did a fantastic job of looking like she's on solid ground. Anchal did poorly at the final challenge, and the judges think her photo is meh. Eugena sucks. Again. We see her bloodied knee. Ew. Twiggy finds all of her photos disappointing. The girls are dismissed.

Deliberations. Michelle is more impressive in photos than in person. Jaeda is the most improved. Amanda is fine. Anchal is unique. AJ rocked everything today. Megg sucks, but Tyra likes her. Brooke is a cutie pie. Melrose looks like a real model. Eugena's sparkle doesn't show. Nigel thinks she's a dead fish, and Miss J thinks even a dead fish shows more vitality. CariDee is giving "model". I think she's giving "suck". At least the guest judge recognizes that she's a spaz. Monique is pretty, but the judges feel like she doesn't want to be here. This leads into perhaps the funniest thing I've ever seen on the judging panel. Tyra and all the judges break into a full-on, Reverend Horton Heatish gospel song entitled "She Don't Wanna Be Here!" I can't even begin to do it justice, so here:



Elimination. AJ is cut. Just kidding! She's actually the first one declared safe. Jaeda. Brooke. Anchal. Michelle. Melrose. Megg. Amanda. CariDee. She spazzes, of course. Will Eugena and Monique please step forward? You both suck ass. But one of you sucks ass to a slightly lesser degree. And that person is...Eugena. Oh, thank God. Monique just turns around walks out without saying a word to anyone. Eat it, bitch. And her final interview? Allow me to paraphrase: "Wah wah wah I hate Melrose". She felt her whole time there was wasted, and NO KIDDING. Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya, snatch. Back to the Future fadeout.

Next week on America's Next Top Model: Girls shower together. Melrose is the house mommy again. Anchal overhears some gossip about herself, and weeps piteously. It's like the worst version of junior high in that place. Actually, my junior high was the worst, but I'll bet the model pad is a close second.

Overall Grade: B+

The Girl Who Hates Her Hair

America's Next Top Model - Season 7, Episode 2

Previously on America's Next Top Model: 13 girls with varying tragic pasts and questionable sobriety moved into the model pad, which was decorated top to bottom with pictures of Tyra. There's probably a picture of her pasted on each girl's toothbrush. Monique was a snotty bitch, but OJ preferred to focus on Melrose's attitude, which caused her to...ask for her makeup to be retouched. Horrors! Michelle rocked her bulimia picture, which Tyra's voice-over is just a leeeeetle too proud about. Christian wanted to emulate Tyra in every way possible, and was the first eliminated. That's got to mean something, but I'm not sure what. Twelve girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening credits. I'm only going to mention them this week, because Tyra has shoehorned even more of herself into the show by singing in a little dance remix version of the credits, which sound fucking horrible. Oh, and Amanda and Michelle don't get separate credits, but have to share a screen, presumably because that makes room for another shot of Tyra.

Model pad. Michelle and Megan practice their walks on the runway in the living room. They really like each other, which is our first of many hints tonight that Michelle and Amanda may differ in a very important way. Let's just say they eat in different sections of the restaurant. Melrose has had the fear of God put into her (well, the fear of Tyra, which is the same thing on this show), and promises to work hard. Out in the hot tub, Monique trash talks Melrose to Eugena. Why are these two hanging out? Weren't they just fighting about the bed situation? Some lame Tyra Mail lets the girls in on the fact that they'll be having breakfast with the two Jays. The next morning, there are alarm clocks going off all over the house, which pisses Monique off because it's not like she needs to wake up at the same time as everyone else. Except she totally does. She whines about it. Anchal interviews that she can't stand Monique's bitchiness. I'd just let her sleep and leave without her.

Breakfast. It's boring, except that the girls thought they'd be getting their makeovers, and Miss J says that girls are always excited for them, but someone always busts out crying. Well, that's because you always intentionally make someone ugly so that they'll cry. Jaeda says "My hair grows so fast, I don't care. Shave it." This is what's known as an editor's wet dream. OJ blathers a lot of bullshit that amounts to the fact that he thinks the girls should rely on past tragedies to find that place of vulnerability when they model. Sure, your mom was a smack-addicted prostitute, but use the pain to work that bikini, girl! Really, the whole point of the breakfast was to get the girls out of the house for a while. When they get back, Tyra holds the door closed for way too long for it to be funny. We get it, Tyra. She pops out like a freaky jack-in-the-box, and the girls squeal like they're meeting Elvis. Oh my GOD, with the squealing. It's Tyra. You see her every seven minutes. The living room has been turned into an impromptu salon. Makeover time! Tyra introduces the stylist, Frederic. She tells each of the girls the style that they'll be getting, and emphasizes her descriptions by whipping the cloth off of a cheesy Six Flags-ish caricature of each of them. Snerk. The last picture to be revealed is Jaeda's. She looks worried, as well she should be. We know what the last girl always gets. Uglified, baby! She's having her hair sliced off to resemble the short style that Halle Berry once had. Yeah, you know what the difference is? Halle Berry is gorgeous, and Jaeda looks like a man. The girls will model their new looks in metallic swimsuits.

Go! Jaeda is already crying. Hehehehe. Brooke confidently tells her that she's going to look good. I think I'm getting to like Brooke. Meanwhile, Monique complains (I know, I'm surprised too) to Eugena that they're not doing enough to her. She doesn't want to look the same. Megg has gotten long, curly extensions. She looks better. Of course she interviews that she can do more headbanging with this style, because we all know how HARDCORE she is. Anchal is having her hair yanked out to give her a larger forehead. It obviously hurts like fuck, but she doesn't complain. I think I'm getting to like Anchal, too. After her hair is shortened and layered a bit, she's done. Her swimsuit shot is amazing. Melrose is going blonde, and she's not thrilled about it. She doesn't burst into tears or anything, but tells OJ that she thinks her hair "pops out" more with darker features. CariDee (which I've been typing incorrectly up until now, but am not interested enough to go back and fix) seemingly takes offense that not everyone wants to be blonde, but AJ says that in Melrose's position, she wouldn't want to be blonde either. Brooke has had her blonde hair dyed chocolate brown. She looks fine, but it's not a drastic improvement or anything. Michelle says she never really thought that much about her hair, because she's bad at "girly" things. Hint number two that Michelle may be more of a seafood fan than her sister. She looks good with wavy, auburn hair. Amanda's a little disappointed that they don't look alike anymore, and now they won't be able to trick people. Heh. She's gotten red hair, too, but it's darker and straight. She looks good, though I think Michelle looks better.

Jaeda begins to bawl as OJ takes the first snip at her hair. After it's been cut down, one of the stylists whines to OJ that he wishes she'd calm down. Well, terrible stylist, let's make you look (more) ridiculous and send you out into the world. We'll see how calm you are. Jaeda says that she doesn't like her short style, because it's taken away her femininity. Well, she says she's lost her "girlish thing goin' on." Honey, I think you lost your girlish thing a long time ago. She does, indeed, look silly with the shorter hair, though at least her boobs look good in the photo. That's something. CariDee's hair is still blonde, but it's longer and about fourteen times more voluminous. It's a little too '80s mall girl for my tastes. Eugena has gotten wavy extensions. She looks fine. Now get better taste in friends, please. Megan's short hair has been made icy blonde. I don't like it very much, but she seems pleased with it. Melrose cries while she awaits her makeover, and OJ puts this down to her being a control freak. Actually, between her plea for people to do their dishes, her house meeting about shower times, and her first interview tonight, in which she can be seen organizing spices or something, he's probably right. I don't know why her being anal-retentive makes me like her a little more, but it does. She looks so-so as a blonde. I agree with her that dark hair suits her better.

AJ tells Frederic that she doesn't like her lighter color and asks for a darker shade. I wasn't under the impression that she gets a say in the matter, but it appears as if he complies. She really doesn't look that much different when he's done; it's just a bit shorter and less spiky. Monique is upstairs crying on the toilet, because nobody's ever seen her without her weave. Wait, wasn't she just bitching five minutes ago about how she wished she could have a more drastic makeover? Is this girl completely schizophrenic? The Jays go up to talk to her and she says she's having a bad day. Keep in mind this is about twenty minutes after breakfast. She actually expects sympathy for being woken up by the alarm clocks. OJ rolls his eyes, and this is about the only time in history when I totally sympathize with him. He duhs to Monique that she's getting a new weave, and coaxes her downstairs. In fairness, she looks great after her makeover. Now, I can understand that seven seasons of girls whining about trivial shit would get on someone's nerves. But I don't care about OJ's nerves, so the next scene of him interviewing about the girls being ungrateful in a ridiculously self-righteous tone is irritating. Dude, you give the girls drastic makeovers for the drama it elicits. You have some gall to be all up in arms for them responding exactly the way they're supposed to. Douchebag. He goes in and "tells the girls off", which is in quotes because he's really, really bad at it. He leaves the pad, and AJ laughs at him behind his back, which is awesome. Commercials.

When we return, Megan's still in her bikini, and she's on the phone with her girlfriend. Aha! I knew Michelle liked her for a reason! Megan tells her girlfriend about her new ice blonde color, and gleefully reports the other girls' getting yelled at for being whiny twits. Jaeda and AJ hate their hair, but Megg loves hers, saying it works with every outfit as she plays air guitar. Because she's HARDCORE. Some Tyra Mail causes the girls to squeal in excitement again. I don't think pig farms have this much squealing. The Tyra Mail reads "True queens are natural beauties that don't need make-up to make it to the top...so don't wear any tomorrow. Got it!!!???" Was that "Got it!!!???" really necessary? And CariDee says "today" instead of "tomorrow" as if the Tyra Mail weren't just shown on-screen. So she was fed that line to give the impression the photo shoot is happening right away, when it's really the next day. Is this crappy editing because of the strike? Are these people new?

The Monster Escalade drops the girls off at an office building, where they head to the lobby to meet OJ, who looks just as hideous as ever. He tells the girls that today they have the opportunity to "make it up to him" for the tears they shed yesterday. In a way, it's kind of impressive that someone could make me want to punch him after almost every single sentence he utters. Anyway, it's time for a challenge. OJ introduces the line of cosmetics that Queen Latifah "created" for women of color. Listen, I love Queen Latifah. She's one of the few people I'm more than willing to accept as both a musician and an actress, and she rocks both. But chemist she is not. Anyway, challenge. When OJ gives the word, the girls have to run over to a table laid out with cosmetics, and have thirty seconds to put select some, and get into the elevator. The elevator will then stop at additional floors that have clothing and accessories/shoes on them. When it reaches the top, the girls will meet with a Cover Girl executive to present their total look. If any of the girls miss the elevator, they're automatically disqualified. Fascinating. Let's get to it! Go! The girls run for the makeup and frantically grab at it. There are hilarious spy graphics and music throughout this scene. After thirty seconds, the elevator doors close, leaving Megg behind. Guess she's too HARDCORE to hurry. The girls touch themselves up in their compact mirrors, and the elevator stops at the fifth floor for clothes. They all grab dresses successfully. I'm surprised they're able to get into them so quickly. Next stop -- fifteenth floor for shoes and accessories. Monique can't get back into the elevator in time. Yes!

Melrose interviews that everyone knew they're going to be in for a rough evening since Monique didn't get her way. Heh, no kidding. The girls reach the thirty-first floor where they meet the "Cover Girl executive", Queen Latifah herself. She brings out her personal makeup artist, and the two of them ask the girls what they think they represent in the makeup or whatever. Most of the girls give stupid pageant answers that aren't worth going over. However, it is worth noting that CariDee looks ridiculous. Imagine the stupidest outfit you'd ever find yourself mortified to be wearing in front of Queen Latifah. It's worse than that. Eugena dutifully sucks up to the product line, so she naturally wins the challenge. She's told to pick two friends, and she picks CariDee and Jaeda. They're going to get their picture taken and have it featured on the Cover Girl website. I know any publicity is good publicity, but laaaaaaaaaaaame. On the way back to the pad, the girls naturally chitter about meeting the Queen. Monique is pissed. Michelle intelligently decides to try and avoid her for the rest of the day.

Once home, Monique heads straight for the...well, I guess you'd have to call it a phone room. It's just a chair, a phone, and a glass door. Melrose interviews that she needs to call her landlord about getting her deposit back. Not that I'm going to defend what Monique does here for a second, but huh? You wait until you're in the middle of a televised competition to iron out housing details? Details like your deposit money, which will still be there later? I can't accept that Melrose's situation is as pressing as they try and make it seem here. Anyhow, to make a long story short, Monique intentionally stays on the phone for hours, just to piss the other girls off. She mostly spends the time talking with her mother, who is a classic enabler. Her baby can do no wrong! She even says "You tell them 'I am a Princess of the Throne'". Unironically. Wow, it's really shocking that Monique is so selfish, spoiled, and deluded. Amazingly, of all the girls with tempers, it's meek little Anchal who finally throws down with her, walking in and pressing down the receiver. Awesome. Go, Anchal! Monique screams at her, of course, but Anchal screams right back. Monique drags out the classic and tired "not here to make friends", which is so fucking cliche by now, I think that anyone on any reality show who says it should be instantly eliminated. Commercials.

Later. Everyone hates Monique. She interviews something defensive, but she's in full-on quick ghetto voice, and I don't catch most of it. Anchal discovers some Tyra Mail. "It's time to wig out, pump up the volume, and get amped. Can you handle it, baby???" Stop with the excessive punctuation, Tyra Mail! We get it! The girls hop in the Monster Escalade and are dropped at a studio for their photo shoot. Eugena, CariDee, and Jaeda are taken aside to do a quick shoot for winning the challenge. It's boring. Eugena interviews that the other girls may have been jealous, but she doesn't really care. Ah, I'm starting to see why she feels a certain kinship with Monique. Bitches of a feather. Today's photo shoot involves wearing crazy-ass wigs, which are enormous and often have moving parts. OJ brings out the wig designers, who actually refer to themselves as weavologists, and (apparently) don't expect that people will laugh in their faces upon learning this. Hair and makeup ensues. Well, wig-styling and makeup ensues.

Monique's wig is sort of half-pointy, half-circular, with a spinning little gold figure on top. OJ tells her she's doing pretty well. Anchal's wig is just all out rocker, going every direction, and has a windmill on top. OJ compliments her as well. Brooke has a wig reminiscent of the American flag. Upon being told to be crazy or zany, she just yells "Aaaah!" a couple of times, which OJ seems to think is genius. Amanda's wig is heart-shaped. She discusses posing with the photographer, and does a great job. Michelle is done up as a parrot, and seems quite amused by it. Megan just has a weird-looking blond wig that almost approaches femullet status, except it has rotating spinners on both sides. OJ admonishes her for not being emotional and vulnerable enough in her shot. I guess we're all supposed to feel a tug at our heartstrings when we have motorized hair buzzing around our ears.

Megg dances around and makes some crazy faces, because she's HARDCORE. Her wig is just a mass of blondeness, with no real rhyme or reason to it. AJ has an explosion of red and silver, which is almost like a lion's mane, so she has the smart idea to make growling faces at the camera. Eugena has a mass of black hair as the wig, but can't keep from striking dumb general model poses with her hand. The photographer (Tracy) gently tries to mold her into an acceptable pose, but she can't do it. Tracy interviews that Eugena had the attitude of knowing-it-all, but was really quite an amateur. CariDee's wig is like a flame. It looks quite cool. Melrose's is colorful. She looks like she's about to head for Carnivale. OJ thinks she does a wonderful job. Jaeda has a helicopter on her head, which OJ sets to spinning with a remote control. Apart from the fact that her boobs are wisely accentuated, she looks dumb. OJ thinks she's giving the same pose over and over, and when he asks her to try something different in her remaining four frames, she just gives the same bland, mannish face she always gives. Bleh. That's it for the photo shoot, and the girls head back to the pad. Tyra Mail! Upcoming elimination. Suddenly, Melrose freaks out because Monique flicks some water from her towel or something onto her face. She seems equal parts disgusted and amused. We're to take this as more evidence that Monique is a dumb snatch, but since we already know that, and this is about a hundred times milder than the whole phone thing, it's really anticlimactic. Commercials.

Chamber of Doom. We enter on a picture of Tyra in one of those crazy wigs. She looks good, though I now think I've seen more pictures of Tyra in my lifetime than I have of myself. She tells the girls that their makeovers make them look amazing. She recaps the prizes. Nigel, Miss J, and Twiggy are present to judge, as is Tracy, this week's photographer. Miss J looks dumb tonight in a preppy green shirt and headband. He's a like a low-rent Velma from Scooby-Doo. Time for the individual evaluations. No final challenge? Good, they usually suck. Melrose is up first. She seems to have come around on the whole blonde hair thing. The judges seem to like her photo, but I think it's meh. Her face looks expressionless and weird. Anchal. Judges: "Yay!" Limecrete: "Meh." Jaeda. Tyra tells her that she looks scared of her new haircut. Jaeda says she's still getting used to it. Tyra hears that perfectly reasonable response and threatens to eliminate her. Nice. As to her photo? Judges: "Boo!" Limecrete: "Meh." Seriously, I have yet to see a photo that is that good or that bad. Megg. She looks retarded in her picture. I don't mean that as just a politically incorrect insult. She actually looks literally retarded.

CariDee. I actually think she looks pretty sultry in this picture, but Nigel says her jaw is a little mannish, and she'll want to watch out for that. Eugena. Twiggy says she looks too masculine. What is with that word being thrown around so much? The only girl who looks remotely manly is Jaeda. The other judges hate the photo too. Tracy says that she gave Eugena a lot of direction, but the "look in her face" was that she knew it all. Not that I don't trust Tracy or anything, but perhaps judging on the body language of a girl you've never met isn't quite the pinnacle of impartiality. Tyra says that Eugena verbally said that she's better than the other girls in the previous season, which she did not. She said they were boring. Which they were. I'm not liking Eugena much this episode either, judges, but stop with the bullshit. Michelle. Everyone loves her photo. Amanda. Ditto. That wasn't a twin joke until I just typed that, so let's assume that's what I meant all along. Brooke. Nigel loves her photo, and I disagree strongly. Brooke is pretty, and her photo doesn't reflect that at all. Megan. The judges hate her photo. Yeah, it's not pretty. They say she got "lost" in all that hair. AJ. Her shot is greeted with mild approval, though Tyra says her nose looks a bit big. Monique. She looks good. Tyra reads OJ's comments that it was a tremendous improvement from the first shoot, but that the first shoot was so bad, there was nowhere to go but up. Snap! The girls are dismissed. Commercials.

Deliberations. Michelle and Amanda are great (though for the second consecutive week, the judges seem to favor Michelle). Eugena is an amateur. Brooke is cheerleadery. Megg has bad posture. AJ is fashionably awkward. Jaeda is easily distracted. Hee. Megan is boring. Rut roh. Anchal connects with the camera. Melrose has redeemed herself. Monique is pretty, but disappointing. CariDee is a drag queen, but a good one. Or something. The girls are called back in. Elimination time. Melrose is safe. Anchal. Amanda. Michelle. AJ. CariDee. Brooke. Eugena. Pardon my interruption to say that I've noticed this for several seasons now, and it's getting really annoying. When Tyra looks up to tell the girl to come get her photo, she flutters her eyelashes. Like, every single damn time. It bugs me. Anyway, Megg is safe. She pumps her fists, because she's so HARDCORE. Monique. Will Jaeda and Megan please step forward? They're both given bullshit critiques, but what Tyra really wants to say is that Jaeda is prone to crying on camera, while Megan is not. You know what that means. Jaeda gets her photo, and poor Megan, whose only crime is being able to keep a lid on her emotions, is cut. Boo! She wishes she could have shown a little more character, but doesn't seem to have any hard feelings. Aw. Call me, Megan. You seem like someone who'd be fun to have a drink with. Back to the Future fadeout.

Next week on America's Next Top Model: Miss J tightrope walks. Except not at all. Melrose and Monique throw down. Melrose? Kick her ass.

Overall Grade: C+