The Amazing Race - Season 12, Episode 7
Previously on The Amazing Race: Six teams ditched Lithuania for the sparkling shores of Dubrovnik, Croatia. Azaria and Hendekea were so jittery, they didn't notice they had purchased the wrong kind of tickets until it was too late. Ron and Christina bonded their way into first place, while the Bickersons' relationship continued to disintegrate. Though Nicolas and Donald plodded along, Azaria and Hendekea's flight woes were too great to overcome, and the siblings were eliminated. Five teams remain. Who will be eliminated next?
Opening credits. That's not much ornamentation for a church where gay people preside.
Dubrovnik, Croatia. The giant stone cross watches over all. After Phil's Opening Blather, Ron and Christina are off the mat at 2:19 AM. Rrrrrrrip! The clue tells them to travel to Ancona, Italy. Teams are required to take a bus to Split, Croatia, then a ferry across the Adriatic Sea to Ancona. It'd be fun to live in a place called Split. The pun possibilities are endless. Ronald and Christina grab a taxi. She interviews that it's imperative that their relationship remain cohesive if they want to maintain their high finish placements. Although this team has been one of the better ones at learning phrases in the local tongues so far, they're both pretty hopeless at Italian. Christina can't place "Prego" beyond a jar of marinara sauce. The Pinkies leave the mat at 2:55 AM. Wow, so the Bickersons lost a lot of time during that whole cab fiasco last week. Vyxsin counts the fat wad of cash everyone gets for the leg, and both of them are very excited about Italy. She interviews that they've been doing well lately, and they will never let each other be less than their very best. Then maybe she can do something about his eyebrows. Goth is one thing. Drag night at the ManHole is another.
The Bickersons leave at 3:45 AM. Ouch. Nathan talks about their difficulties in the last leg. There's a black and white flashback for the forgetful people who can't think back as far as the "Previously on..." segment three minutes ago. Jennifer explains that once the two of them get riled up, they can't stop, and it's a difficult problem to fix. She doesn't know where their relationship is going to go from here. At any rate, it's nice to hear her say something rational, instead of "He just doesn't knooooow how to treeeeeeat meeeeee!". Ronald and Christina reach the bus station, where random, well-groomed cats are wandering around, and learn that the first bus to Split doesn't leave until 5 AM. Ronald and Christina learn it, that is. Not the cats. The cats probably already knew. The Pinkies catch up, and Ronald and Christina voice-over that every time they see Kynt and Vyxsin, it's like being at a Kabuki theater. Hehe. The Bickersons catch up, and the three teams smile over the fact that there's no way anyone else is going to make the first bus. And indeed, they don't.
TK and Rachel leave the mat at 5:37 AM. They're still a little weirded out by not having seen any other teams for a long time. I realize that I'm starting to get really sick of Rachel's tights. The two of them head for the bus station, and grab the 6 AM bus to Split, hoping to catch up with the others later. Nicolas and Donald are last off the mat at 7:06 AM. They know they're not in the best position, and have some stiff competition, so they're hoping for an equalizing point in the near future. They're in luck, as the next scene brings us to Split, where all five teams meet up on the same ferry. On the way across, the Pinkies talk about how this is the point where they really need to get serious about the race. And what could provide more focus than checking up on one's eyeliner? Nothing, that's what.
At 9:40 PM, the teams arrive in Ancona. Damn, that was a long trip. The teams bolt from the ferry, and all of them run right past the bank of clues, except for TK and Rachel. Nice focus, Pinkies! Rachel tries to grab a clue surreptitiously, but Nicolas spots her. Soon, all the teams catch the snap. Rrrrrrrip! The next clue directs the teams to drive themselves to the town of Empoli, in the heart of Tuscany. Once there, they'll head for a specific airfield, where the next clue awaits. The teams have also been given Blackberries to take along, and I'll just tell you right now that the sole reason these have been provided is so the teams can get a short message from home at some point during the drive. I'm sure they're nice to receive, but they're boring as hell to watch, so just know that everyone will get their message, everyone will be happy about it, and TK stands for Thomas Kyle. Everyone gets going, and they discover that their cars are stick shift. I steel myself for the scene where the next team gets eliminated because they couldn't be bothered to prepare themselves for this obvious eventuality before the race. Refreshingly, the only person to have an issue with stick is Kynt, so Vyxsin volunteers to drive.
Empoli is near Florence, and doesn't seem to be on a lot of maps, so most teams pull over for directions. The Bickersons find a shrewd local at a gas station, who points out the fastest way to get there isn't the main roads that go up through Bologna, but a shortcut through Forli. The Bickersons are pleased to have an edge. Ronald and Christina chart the way through Bologna on their map. The Pinkies/Nicolas/Donald get the Bologna tip from locals. TK and Rachel are told to go through Rome. After getting directions, the teams head back to their cars, and the cameraman gets a shot of the clue that Rachel has left behind on the table. Uh, oh. TK and Nicolas discuss highways, but Rachel would rather rely on their own information than follow other teams. She looks good in glasses. Why I am so conscious of Rachel's fashion choices this week? Weird. The Bickersons spot the highway to Forli. As TK and Rachel approach the highway to Rome, they realize that they can't find their clue, and have no idea where to go without it. They pull over and start fruitlessly rooting through the car. This is where any other team in the history of the race would be hysterical, but TK and Rachel are so mellow, they just kind of mutter about it. After a while, they decide to go back to where they got directions, hoping the clue will still be there, and already mentally preparing themselves for elimination.
Commercials. What a waste of a perfectly good piano.
TK and Rachel are frustrated. I can tell because she raises her hand to her head. Calm down, lady! You're freaking out! Everyone drives. TK and Rachel get back to the cafe or wherever they were when they got directions, and a lady springs out of her seat, and opens her purse to get the clue they left behind. They're ecstatic, and Rachel gives her a big hug, revealing a tramp stamp. TK laughs that he's too mellow for this, and Rachel says the clue is like gold. They finally get going to Empoli, hoping that their route is faster than everyone else's. The Bickersons are making good time, but the teams going through Bologna (Ronald/Christina/Pinkies/Nicolas/Donald) hit heavy traffic. It turns out the road to Florence is completely shut down, and won't reopen until 6 AM. Ronald and Christina pull out their map to plan a way around, while Nicolas and Donald decide to pull over and sleep until the road opens. The Bickersons arrive at Empoli, and are shocked that they are the first team there. The airfield doesn't open until 7 AM, but there are number tags on the gate. Jennifer yanks the tag #1. Ronald/Christina and the Pinkies unhappily search for a way to Empoli. It's taking so long, that guess who the next ones there are? Yes, it's TK and Rachel! They jump in joy when they pull tag #2, and celebrate with the Bickersons.
The road to Florence opens, so Nicolas and Donald can get moving again. Ronald congratulates Christina on doing such a good job with some really tough navigation. Vyxsin, on the other hand, has no idea where she's going. She starts to panic, which she calls in interview a "sinking, icky feeling". Icky? What'ere. 7 AM arrives, so the gate is opened for the Bickersons/TK/Rachel. They run for the cluebox. Roadblock! Fast Forward! Phil explains that in this Roadblock, the chosen team member will go up in an Ultralight (a small plane, not unlike a motorized hang-glider). Once up in the air, the Roadblocker will direct the pilot around the countryside, searching for the name of their next destination (Vinci) spelled out on the ground. Once they've found it, they come back down, and exchange the correct word for the next clue. Each flight has a thirty-minute time limit, and if the Roadblocker cannot find "Vinci" within that half hour, they must land and wait for the Ultralight to refuel before trying again.
Nathan and TK take on the Roadblock, but Jennifer wants to talk about taking the Fast Forward. Phil tells us there's only one on the entire race. As you know, whichever team completes the Fast Forward first skips all the remaining tasks, and goes right to the pitstop. In this Fast Forward, the team must find Fabio studios to take part in a "local, seafaring tradition". What the teams don't know is that this tradition is getting a tattoo. And not one of those henna ones that wear off in a few months. The real deal. The tattoo will be "ff" in a very Shakespearean sort of font. Jennifer wants to head for it, but Nathan doesn't think they need it, because they're in first place right now. I've often said it's silly not to take the Fast Forward when you know you'll never get another chance to do so, but admit I've had to rethink my position as the Fast Forward tasks have gotten more and more extreme. In any event, both lead teams stick with the Roadblock. As Nathan and TK take off, Jennifer complains to Rachel that they should have gone for the Fast Forward. I hope she thanked Nathan later when she heard what she avoided.
The guys zip around like mosquitoes, enjoying the scenic vistas of Italy. The girls realize that other teams are arriving. It's Christina/Ronald and Nicolas/Donald. It's pretty amazing that the "let's find another way around" and the "let's wait until the highway opens" strategies shook out to the exact same amount of time. Ronald and Christina read the clue, and Christina wants to stay and take the Roadblock. She and Ronald start looking around for the number tags. Nicolas and Donald are a bit worried over how vague the Fast Forward clue is, but decide to go for it. Jennifer is pissed, because she and Nathan have yet to win a leg. I can see where she's coming from, but would point out that she still has a shot to win the entire race, while people who did win legs, like Azaria/Hendekea and Jason/Lorena, are now sitting in Eliminationville. Nicolas and Donald know they're taking a risk, and try to prepare themselves for whatever horror awaits them at the Fast Forward. Meanwhile, Ronald and Christina can't find the numbers. She waffles about taking the Fast Forward, and he snaps at her for being indecisive. Even though Ronald has more of a point in being peeved this time than in previous legs, it's the first time Rachel has heard his carping, and she mutters that she has "no forgiveness or respect for the way that Ron talks to his daughter".
The Pinkies are still lost, and Vyxsin is in full-on freakout mode. Ronald and Christina finally spot the tags, and Christina pulls #3. Up in the air, Nathan spots the "Vinci", and signals his pilot to land. He and Jennifer exchange a happy hug when his answer is accepted, and they get the next clue. Rrrrrrrip! Teams must now drive themselves to the town of Vinci, and find Leonardo da Vinci's birthplace. As they get going, Nathan explains to Jennifer that he didn't want to take the Fast Forward because they just woke up. I guess he didn't want to risk getting lost on the way there or something. Jennifer crabs that they would have gotten first place, and he responds that some Fast Forwards don't work out. Aw, thanks for the lovely memory. TK runs out of time without spotting the location name, and has to come back for refueling. Christina takes off, and Ronald is glad she took this one, as he might have "peed in his pants" on this task. Heh. TK goes back up. Nicolas and Donald find the studio, and discover what they have to do. They're stymied, because a tattoo is forever, but if they leave, they could very well be eliminated. Don rubs his arm. Nicolas' slack jaw becomes more pronounced than ever.
Commercials. Come buy stuff at Toys 'R Us! Now with 50% more Chinese lead paint!
Nicolas and Donald ultimately agree to get the tattoo. Guess they're not Jewish. Although that brings up an interesting point. Would it be entirely fair to plan a task that certain contestants are forbidden from taking part in? I wondered the same thing when Ari in Season 6 pledged to keep kosher throughout the race, but was spared the moral dilemma when he was such a crappy racer, he was the first one out. I guess it's not unfair to push people's limits like this, because Nicolas and Donald always have the option of backing out and going back to the Roadblock. They settle into their chairs, and the artists start buzzing away. The Bickersons pull over for directions to Vinci. Christina directs her pilot to fly along the river, and spots the "Vinci". TK still hasn't found it. Donald wishes he'd have gotten the Fast Forward where they just ask you to shave all your hair off, and gives us the titular quote. Nicolas says the tattoo is a good investment.
In what is becoming a theme with the Bickersons, they park their car, figure out that the place they want is quite a distance away, and decide to run it, rather than just getting back in the car and driving there. Weirdos. Christina lands, and gets her clue. TK keeps on searching. The Pinkies keep on driving. Nicolas and Donald are done at the tattoo parlor, and are directed to drive to the pitstop, the Boboli Gardens in Florence. The Bickersons reach the next cluebox. Rrrrrrrip! Detour! Invention or Tradition. In Invention, teams walk a short distance to a replica of a centuries-old crane designed by Leonardo da Vinci. Using materials nearby, they must build another replica, and use the crane to lift a large stone. When the stone is high enough, they can slide a mirror underneath to see where this leg's pitstop is. In Tradition, teams go a distance to a group of men in tights. They will perform a traditional flag routine dating back to the Renaissance that the teams must then learn and perform. When the team gets it right, the "lead flagman" will give them a flag with the pitstop's name stitched into it. The Bickersons head for Tradition. Ronald and Christina are almost to Vinci.
TK has to land and refuel again, during which the Pinkies arrive. They mention the Fast Forward, but decide to stick around, and assign the Roadblock to Vyxsin. Rachel whisperingly begs TK to find the damn name. Nicolas and Donald pull up to the pitstop, where they are heralded by a little bugle tune. The greeter welcomes them to Florence. Man, the teams have been everywhere in this episode. Ancona, Bologna, Forli, Empoli, Vinci, Florence, Rome. That's quite a tour of Italy. For winning the leg, Nicolas and Donald get a five-night trip to Cancun. I'd prefer a less Americanized part of Mexico, but hey, not bad. Especially the private tour of Chichen Itza. Donald interviews that he's completely wrapped up in the race now, and that their odds of winning keep improving. The Bickersons reach Tradition, and go about learning the flag-twirling moves. Nathan says that despite being 5'2", Jennifer's really competitive. Er...what? Is competitive spirit tied to height now? That's like being impressed with someone's organizational skills, even though they're 6'3". Anyway, Jennifer naturally picks up the moves a lot faster than Nathan does.
Ronald and Christina arrive in Vinci. TK and Vyxsin fly around, then come in for a landing. TK still hasn't found the "Vinci", but Vyxsin has, so TK and Rachel are back to last place again. They fret. The Bickersons perform the flag routine, but they're not sufficiently synchronized, so they get a drumroll, and a "NO!". Hehe. Ronald and Christina reach the Detour, and head for Tradition, saying that Invention would probably be too complicated. Jennifer leads Nathan through another try at the flag routine. Drumroll. "SI!" They get their clue, and run off in better spirits than they've been in throughout the entire race. Ronald and Christina reach the flags, and begin to learn the routine. TK finally spots "Vinci" and gets the next clue. The Pinkies drive. The Bickersons arrive at the mat as team number two. They hug. Ronald and Christina fail their first attempt at the flag routine. The Pinkies get directions to Vinci. Ronald and Christina do a better job with the flags, and get a hearty "SI!". They thank the clue-wrangler profusely. They run out to triumphant trumpet music, Ronald hilariously running backwards with his arms above his head in a victory gesture. When they get back to the car, Ronald begins driving before Christina is fully in. She's a lot nicer about it than I would have been.
The Pinkies reach the Detour clue, and choose Invention. TK and Rachel are hot on their heels. When the Pinkies see what building the crane entails, they ditch for Tradition. While they're driving for the flags, TK and Rachel reach the clue. Rachel wants to do Tradition, but TK suggests doing Invention, simply because it's closer. She agrees, and they head for the crane. The Pinkies have somehow gotten lost in between the cluebox and the flags. I have no idea how. Vyxsin is now entirely in that state of mind where you can't do anything right, like the Bickersons were last week. Kynt yells at her to stop the car so he can drive, because she's not capable. He's about as masterful as a chihuahua, though, so she refuses. He threatens to jump out of the car. TK and Rachel arrive at the crane and stare at the pieces thoughtfully. I guess the suicide threat worked, so Vyxsin and Kynt switch places. I'd call that an unhealthy aspect of their dating relationship if they had one. Kynt derides Vyxsin's temper tantrum, and she snaps that the leg has had a definite trend of nothing going right, and will continue to do so.
Commercials. LabRat is convinced that CoverGirl has morphed Drew Barrymore beyond all recognition.
Vyxsin's prophecy comes true, because Kynt has managed to kill the gear shift (or she did it when they parked). They switch places again, but she doesn't have any more luck with it. Vyxsin is even more hysterical now, and sings a rousing chorus of Poor Us, We're Out of It. TK and Rachel, despite having just as many problems this leg as the Pinkies, don't waste any time with recriminations or panic attacks, and just methodically work through their crane assembly. The Pinkies give up on their car, and decide to run for the Detour. Phil reminds us that they'll get a replacement car, but no time credit. Ronald and Christina reach the mat as team three. TK and Rachel finish building the crane, and are in really good moods, considering the day they've had. They slide the mirror box under the raised stone, see the lettering, and leave to go to the pitstop. They spot the Pinkies as they drive off, and are shocked that they've once again clawed their way out of last place. The Pinkies find Tradition.
Now that they've got nothing to do but get to the pitstop without any more problems, TK and Rachel have a problem. Their car blows a tire. As they pull over to change it, Rachel says she can't believe the incredibly bad day they're having. And yet they still keep calm heads. The Pinkies finish Tradition, and dash off. TK gears up for a turbo tire change. The Pinkies head for the pitstop, certain they're last, but smart enough to know that they shouldn't give up. TK zooms through his tire change. So now it's a race to the mat. A team approaches the pitstop. Who will it be? Team number four is... TK and Rachel, who have saved themselves through sheer composure. They're shocked, but incredibly relieved. Later, the Pinkies trudge up to the mat. Phil tells them they're the last team to arrive. We've been promised no non-elimination legs this season, but that was a big, fat lie, because the Pinkies are spared in the first of two. Which means that Nicolas and Donald permanently altered their bodies, and didn't even get to outlast another team because of it. That's kind of assy. The Pinkies give each other a half-hearted hug.
LabRat: "Yeah, make sure you don't kiss or anything."
The punishment for non-eliminated teams in the past has ranged from nothing, to having their money taken away, to having their money and possessions taken away, to incurring a thirty-minute penalty in the next leg if they don't come in first place. This time around, the punishment is something called a Speed Bump, in which the Pinkies will have to complete an extra task in the next leg that no other team will have to do. That's not a bad idea at all. The Pinkies interview that they've had a horrible day, and are worried about the "three-headed serpent" of the Speed Bump that will spring out of nowhere and halt them in their tracks. They pledge to do their best.
Next week on The Amazing Race: The Pinkies try and get shifty. Ronald reverts back to treating Christina like crap.
Overall Grade: B
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Friday, December 21, 2007
Cherry On Top of the Sundae That's Already Melted
The Amazing Race - Season 12, Episode 6
Previously on The Amazing Race: Seven teams left Burkina Faso for Lithuania. Ronald and Christina continued to work on their communication skills, while Nicolas and Donald rose and fell like a thimble in a hurricane. The Bickersons fought all over the place. The IBs almost became road pancakes. Somehow, their plan to "flirt their way through the race" didn't work out when it became apparent that they'd have to, like, accomplish tasks and stuff, and they got punted to go be interchangeable back in La-La Land. Six teams remain. Who will be eliminated next?
Opening credits. Surely, that train zooming by behind the Pinkies isn't in the graveyard. It's called resting in peace, city planners.
Vilnius, Lithuania. A trio of towering, white crosses huddles together for company. Phil's Opening Blather asks if Nathan is willing to "change his behavior" to convince Jennifer that he's the "guy for her". Huh. I must have nodded off during the part that they take her to task for being just as much of an asshole as he is, because seriously... It's not like she just graduated from finishing school. The Crap Task was apparently not enough product placement to cram down our throats, so we open the leg with even more. Soon, this show will just be an hour-long commercial that they broadcast from different countries. I'll do us all the favor of skipping this, and get right to TK and Rachel, leaving the mat first at 1:00 AM. Rrrrrrrip! The clue tells them to get to Dubrovnik, Croatia, 900 miles away. When they land, they'll go to the base of the Fort of St. Lawrence, where the next clue awaits.
The Pinkies leave at 1:01 AM, and let us know that teams will be getting $109 for this leg. I'm a little sad that money hasn't figured into this season the way it has before. Forcing teams to be thrifty was good television. I'm obligated to inform you that the Pinkies are wearing matching pink cowboy hats. They're as tasteful as they sound. Both teams head for the airport. TK and Rachel interview that keeping cool heads and mellow attitudes is not only good race strategy, but helpful for their overall experience and relationship. It's too bad the Bickersons haven't left the mat yet, or we could have had a smash cut to them screaming at each other over who's more of a douchebag. Rachel kids that Croatia sounds like a hotbed of gymnast activity. The Pinkies hope to finally score a first-place finish.
Ronald and Christina leave the mat at 1:15 AM, and are very excited about Croatia. Christina interviews that their mat placements tend to reflect how their relationship is going at the time. I think that may be true. Christina wants to get a taxi, but Ronald crabs that there aren't any around, and they need to do something else. It's his usual brand of having a good point, but expressing it in a needlessly bitchy way. As they jog to a hotel to call ahead for a reservation, Christina voices-over that she's trying to tackle Ronald's nagging head-on, and she does a good job of diffusing it when she tells him not to criticize, then points out that he should be just as nice to her as he is to the hotel desk clerk. Azaria and Hendekea leave the mat at 1:20 AM. Hendekea interviews that Azaria is a bit of a control freak, but she trusts him to know what he's doing. They grab a taxi.
At the airport, TK/Rachel and the Pinkies bond over their pseudo-outsider status, and team up to do some internet research. They conclude that Czech Airlines will have the earliest flight, and Kynt sends TK and Rachel to go start a line for when the office opens, while he and Vyxsin continue to mess around on the computer. Back at the hotel, Ronald and Christina manage to reserve a ticket on Polish Air that leaves Vilnius at 6:25 AM, connects in Warsaw, and gets into Dubrovnik at 11:20 AM. Nice work, you two. I doubt there's an earlier flight than that. The Bickersons leave the mat at 1:29 AM. Jennifer thinks the race experience has been great, but tainted by their fighting. I'd say the same thing about watching it, so thanks a lot. She thinks the rest of the race will be the true test of whether their relationship can survive. Oh, I sure hope you guys can work it ou...zzzzzzzz. In Azaria and Hendekea's cab, she's explaining to the cameraman that she has a Croatian friend, and thus knows how to say "There's a party in my pants!" in Croatian. Haha! Isn't that always the way with multilingual friends? You learn dirty words first, which is why the only thing I know how to say in Hindi is "motherfucker". They get to the airport, and decide to get in line behind a snoozing TK/Rachel.
Nicolas and Donald leave the mat at 1:42 AM. It's early, so I won't pick on all these people for having as much trouble pronouncing Dubrovnik as they had with Ouagadougou. They're not thrilled to be in last place right now, but Donald says he's motivated to really give it his all this leg. Nicolas points out that there aren't enough teams left to just hope you don't screw something up, but that you really have to play aggressively now. Ronald and Christina get out of their cab, and sneeze their thanks at the driver. They see the other teams lined up at Czech Air, and decide to hop in line to double-check that their ticket is the best route. The Pinkies are still over at the computer. The Bickersons and Nicolas/Donald join the line, Nicolas kidding that he had dibs on the front. Hehe. Kynt wonders why everyone is lining up at an airline that may not have the best tickets, and Vyxsin says that it's because they're sheep. Can't argue with that. They decide to go to an agency office that deals with more than one airline. Good idea. Man, some of these people are way sharper than I would be at an airport in the middle of the night.
An old alliance is reborn when Christina pulls Azaria and Hendekea aside to let them know about the Polish Air tickets. She hands over the phone number, but doesn't know the country code they'll need to connect. Azaria thinks that'll be easy to figure out, and the siblings ditch the line for an information counter. The Pinkies find an open agency, and inquire about early tickets to Dubrovnik. I'm sure that one of the hardest things for a team to see while sitting motionless in a line is another team that appears to be making good progress elsewhere. The people in the Czech Air line see the Pinkies doing business, and begin to get fidgety. The Bickersons decide to leave the line and go see if they can get in on some of this travel agency action. They waffle about it, even as they make their way over. Ronald and Christina soon follow suit.
Christina asks the Pinkies if they mind if she asks the agent some questions, and Kynt says that he'd rather let her finish up his transaction first. That's reasonable, and Christina nods in understanding. Ronald, however, still isn't the greatest at either people skills or at reading a social situation, so he goes ahead and starts asking the agent about what time other offices open and such. Kynt again points out that he's doing business with her right now, and Ronald is welcome to get in line. Ronald gets pissy and stalks out, and Christina apologizes for him. "It's OK. I have a dad, too," Vyxsin responds. Hehehehe. Ronald is out in the hallway trying to get sympathy from TK/Rachel and Nicolas/Donald, who couldn't care less. I would imagine that Nicolas and Donald, in particular, aren't about to leap to Ronald's defense in matters of courtesy. Christina exits the office and shuts him down again, while Nicolas and Donald happily note that the more teams ditch the line, the more they move up.
Azaria and Hendekea can't connect to Polish Air, so they wander off and decide to have a fight about nothing. Azaria grips Hendekea's shoulder and tells her in a very parental tone not to give him attitude. I love my older sister dearly, but if Veruca ever tried that with me, she'd be looking down the business end of a profanity-laced tirade. Hendekea doesn't seem to care that much. An agent arrives to open the Czech Air office. The Bickersons note this, and since the Pinkies are still tying up the travel agency, decide to go back to the line they've already abandoned. TK and Rachel find out that Czech Air leaves Vilnius at 6:00 AM (whoops, forget what I said about Ronald and Christina's flight clearly being the best), connects through Prague, and gets into Dubrovnik at 11:20 AM (whoops, forget about me asking you to forget the other comment). The Bickersons poke their heads in and determine that there are plenty of seats on the flight. Azaria and Hendekea rejoin the line, and continue to crab at each other. Azaria's still being a dick, and Hendekea's still blowing him off. Christina interrupts their fighting to suggest that they go check up on the Pinkies, since they're last in line anyway. Thrilled to have something other than their screwup to focus on, they agree.
They arrive to find the Pinkies learning about the Czech Air flight. They also ask about availability, and Kynt again asks to finish up his own transaction. In the other line, TK and Rachel book tickets, and Nicolas and Donald step up and ask for the same thing. The agent suggests business class, but Nicolas tells her (per the rules of the race), that they have to get economy seats. Christina suggests to Ronald that they just stick with their original reservations. I guess she found out that the two flights get in at the same time. The office where they need to pick up their tickets hasn't opened yet. The Pinkies are told about the Polish Air flight. Since the arrival times are the same, the Pinkies wisely choose to give themselves some departure padding, and select the Polish Air flight, which leaves later. They get their tickets, and hustle down to the Polish Air counter. Ronald and Christina soon get their tickets as well. Azaria and Hendekea ask for tickets on the Polish Air flight. In a telling moment that I didn't catch on the first viewing, Azaria asks for economy seats, but Hendekea is babbling about how much of a hurry they're in at the same time and in a louder voice.
Nicolas and Donald get the Czech Air tickets. The Bickersons are next in line, but now that the flight is leaving so soon, check-in has closed. Dun dun duuuuuun! The Bickersons do what they do best, and whine a lot, trying to make their point by saying they already asked the agent about these tickets and were told everything was fine. Nice try, chumps, but you asked about ticket availability. There could be fifty seats open, but it doesn't help you if check-in has already closed. Thankfully, the agent isn't one of those wishy-washy types, and just curtly apologizes before moving on to the next person in line. The Bickersons jog off unhappily. They go to the agency where Azaria and Hendekea are still doing business, and Azaria sends them to the Polish Air office to see if they can get tickets on the flight that leaves at 6:25 AM. Ew, don't help them. Azaria and Hendekea get tickets, and the Bickersons soon follow.
The Czech Air flight takes off, and yeah, there are oodles of empty seats. Hah! Suck it, Bickersons. The teams on the Polish Air flight check in, and Hendekea asks for seats near the front of the plane. The check-in agent tells them that that's not really an option, since they're flying business class. Hendekea's face seizes in terror, and she calls Azaria over to tell him. They understandably panic, and run off to the travel agency to work something out. The Bickersons, the Pinkies, and Ronald/Christina board with no problems, while Azaria and Hendekea attempt to beg for economy seats. Unfortunately, there are no more economy seats available, which is probably why they got business class in the first place. So, they're screwed.
Commercials. I really hope Muses have better inspirations to impart than easy-heat pastas.
Azaria and Hendekea have no choice but to ask for the next flight to Dubrovnik. Hendekea wishes they hadn't run around the airport like fools. So in a way, it's Christina's fault! They get a flight that connects through Frankfurt, and make sure to ask for economy seats this time. Heh. The agent confirms that their competitors are connecting through Prague, and tells them that the Prague airport is currently bogged down with all sorts of delays, so they won't make it on time. I'm not sure if she's just trying to soothe Azaria and Hendekea, but it does seem to calm them down. Well, let's see if she's right. The Czech Air flight lands in Prague at 7:20 AM, where TK/Rachel and Nicolas/Donald learn that, indeed, they're too late to catch the connection. Oh, this show. They hurry off to a ticket counter, where TK and Rachel get tickets on a flight to Dubrovnik that connects through Vienna. And, guess what? Those are the last ones, so Nicolas and Donald are screwed again. Yikes. At this point, Nicolas is just like "Any flight. Any airline. Just get me to fucking Dubrovnik." The agent offers tickets on a flight that connects through Zagreb. He takes them, and the two flights take off.
Dubrovnik, Croatia. It is really beautiful, and looks almost tropical. At 11:20 AM, the Polish Air flight arrives, and the Bickersons run out of the airport to the taxis, putting them in first place. Boo! The Pinkies and Ronald/Christina are hot on their heels. Christina shows off her Croatian by saying "Fast. Fast. Fast," and the driver gestures at the cab, implying that they'd probably get there faster if she got in. Hehe. Once in their taxis, the teams all enjoy the spectacular view of the city and the water. The Bickersons and the Pinkies arrive at the harbor, and spot a red and yellow flag. They run down to it, but it's not the cluebox. So the first ones to actually reach the clue are Ronald and Christina. I love all these changes of fortune (provided that it's due to luck or racing mistakes, rather than interference). It's one of the things that makes this show exciting. Ronald and Christina open the clue. Rrrrrrrip! Roadblock! "Who has a builder's eye?" Phil explains that in this Roadblock, the chosen team member has to help renovate the city walls that were destroyed in the Yugoslav civil war of the 1990s. That's a neat idea, but the task itself isn't that complicated. The team member goes to a pile of 150 stones, and searches for one of eight that fits into a hole in a stone wall. When they find a stone that fits, they'll get the next clue. That's it? Meh.
Ronald takes the Roadblock. As the other two teams continue to search for the cluebox, he gets started, and appears to finish the Roadblock in seconds. Yeah, not the most compelling task ever. Fortunately, it's redeemed by what comes next. Rrrrrrrip! Teams must now make their way to the top of the Fort of St. Lawrence, and ride a tandem zip-line over the water to the roof of another fort. The next cluebox will be there. Ronald and Christina joyfully run off, while the Bickersons/Pinkies appear to finally get their bearings. Ronald and Christina fret about safety and nausea, but allow themselves to be strapped into the zip-line. They clutch hands. Whoooosh! The ride looks awesome, which Christina confirms as they get unhooked. Onto the next clue. Rrrrrrrip! Detour! Short & Long or Long & Short. In Short & Long, teams rappel down the fort to the base. They then run to another wall, and scale it via a rope ladder. Then, they'll make their way through the streets of Dubrovnik to a specific plaza, where the next cluebox awaits. Phil explains that the physical strain of this task is fairly short, but navigating the confusing streets could be difficult. In Long & Short, teams get on another tandem zip-line, and ride it straight into the water below. They then swim to a fishing boat that they'll row around the city walls to a marked section of the harbor. Guess what it's marked with. Yep, it's the very flag that the other teams first spotted. Once they arrive, it's a short distance to the same plaza. So, this choice is much more physically punishing, but won't require a lot of navigation. Interesting.
LabRat and I quickly agree that Short & Long looks much more appealing. Ronald and Christina ignore us, and go for Long & Short. The Pinkies and Bickersons finally arrive at the Roadblock, where it's taken on by Nathan and Kynt. The girls stand aside, kidding that the task is just like a game of Tetris. Ronald and Christina zoom down their second zip-line, and splash into the water. Nathan finishes the Roadblock, and the Bickersons take off for the fort roof. Ronald and Christina reach their fishing boat, where Christina gives the worst rowing advice ever, suggesting that Ronald turn himself around and face the direction that they're headed. I'm a terrible rower, and even I know that you sit backwards. Maybe Christina has just never been on a float trip. Ronald gamely gives it a try. The Bickersons strap in. Whoooosh! They get to the Detour clue, and choose Long & Short. Ronald crabs his way into using the correct method to row. The Bickersons spot him, and pledge to kick his butt at the rowing. They whooosh down their second zip-line.
Kynt finishes the Roadblock. Ronald complains that he's tired and that rowing has sapped all his energy. Again with this? It's like he and Christina thrive on carefully weighing their Detour options, then deliberately choosing the one they'll be worse at. The Bickersons reach the boat, where Nathan declares that he has no idea how to row it. Jennifer helps out by carping that there's a team in front of them. Sigh. Well, now I have to take back what I said about Christina giving the worst rowing advice ever, because Ronald tops her by suggesting that they each take an oar. Maybe that would work out for the Yale sculling team, but not these two. They manage to make slow progress. The Bickersons fight. It's so rote by this point, I can't bring myself to go into details. You know they suck, just as they've always sucked, so let's move on. Ronald and Christina row contentedly, and interview that your relationship with your teammate is critical to winning the race, which is, of course, our cue to check in with how much the Bickersons hate each other.
The Pinkies strap in. Whoooosh! They reach the Detour clue, and choose Short & Long. Ronald and Christina spot the Bickersons gaining on them, and speed up. The Bickersons are too busy screaming at each other to notice. The Pinkies suit up for their rappel. Kynt tells Vyxsin she looks kinda hot in her straps, which only reminds me of how not dating these two are. She makes it down the wall in a breeze. The Bickersons figure out that when they stop fighting, they actually row better. Uncanny. Kynt hops down the wall. Ronald and Christina reach the harbor barely ahead of the Bickersons, and the two teams go in separate directions to find the plaza. Vyxsin scales the rope ladder, and Kynt offers encouragement by saying "Little pink kitten, you're at the top!" Heh. The Bickersons find the plaza seconds before Ronald and Christina, so they're again in first place. Boo! Rrrrrrip! Teams must now travel four miles by taxi to the pitstop, a giant stone cross that overlooks the city. This episode sure is cross-heavy. No matter, though. The cross won't offer any sanctuary to the team that arrives last. The Bickersons and Ronald/Christina run off to find cabs.
Kynt scales the ladder. Vyxsin calls him a little Goth action hero as he reaches the top. They take off to find the plaza. The Bickersons find a cab, but in one of those moments you couldn't write if you tried, the driver kicks them out for being too wet. Hahahahaha! Now, this is where you and I would try to talk him into allowing us to ride in his cab by being polite. The Bickersons opt for being whiny and confrontational, which somehow fails to soften the driver's heart. Ronald and Christina find a driver who doesn't care about moisture, so they're on their way to the cross. They pass by the Bickersons, and Jennifer raises her arms in a how-could-you-do-this-to-me gesture, as she is wont to do when people are beating her fair and square. Jennifer begins wailing about how unfair the situation is, and how much their relationship sucks. This is the point where you can see that race fatigue has begun to set in on her. She's never been the best at bouncing back from setbacks, but she's reached the point that she doesn't even want to try. It's normally a very sad thing to witness, but in her case, I'm all for it.
Commercials. The National Treasure sequel? Oh, Helen Mirren. This is so beneath you.
Jennifer continues her meltdown, so Nathan takes charge of the team by asking a nearby motorist if he's a taxi. The guy replies in the negative, so the Bickersons ask if he can just drop them at the stone cross real quick. Uh, what? The guy agrees. As they get going, the Bickersons offer to give him some money, because "none of the taxis would take [them]", due to their dampness. I like how one driver now represents the entire taxi fleet of Dubrovnik. Anyway, the Bickersons are secure in their decision to completely ignore the whole "take a taxi" part of the clue. I'm sure that will work out well for them. The Pinkies wend their way through the streets.
2:39 PM. TK and Rachel arrive on their flight from Vienna. They grab a cab to the Fort of St. Lawrence. Ronald and Christina approach the pitstop, and hustle up the stone stairs to the cross. Besides the greeter, there are men in costume who give them a gun salute. Ronald and Christina practically hit the deck. Hehe. They jump on the mat, and Phil gives them the good news that they are team number one. They jump in glee and give each other a hug. Phil is just as surprised at their placement as the rest of us. He tells them that for coming in first, they've won a twelve-and-a-half-foot catamaran. Meh. I'd prefer a trip.
Limecrete: "What are the two of them going to do with a catamaran?"
LabRat: "Fight over how to sail it".
Christina smilingly interviews that success in the race is all about teamwork. Speaking of exemplary teamwork, let's check in with the Bickersons. Ronald and Christina's cab is leaving as they pull up to the cross, so they were not far behind at all. They run up the steps, and freak out at the gun salute. They hop on the mat, where Phil tells them they are the "second team to arrive". Uh, oh. It's never a good sign when Phil says "X team to arrive" rather than "team number X". They don't notice this, and are happy enough, until Phil gives them the dreaded "However..." He tells the Bickersons that they did not take a legal form of transportation to get to the pitstop, so they must go back to the plaza and catch a cab back to the cross before he can check them in. He wishes them luck and tells them to "make haste". Oh, I don't think that's necessary. The Bickersons are plenty hasty. It's totally not their fault that this happened; "take a taxi" is such an ambiguous phrase! On their way back to the plaza, Nathan gives us the titular quote. While they're en route, the Pinkies complete the Detour, and get their pitstop clue. They're up to the intellectual challenge of puzzling through the complex "take a taxi" instruction.
TK and Rachel reach the Roadblock, where Rachel takes it on. Nathan and Jennifer re-rip their clue at the plaza, where Jennifer reads off the instructions in the snottiest, most sarcastic voice imaginable. Oh, fuck you, princess. You wouldn't be in this situation if you weren't such a colossal dumbass. Rachel finishes the still-boring Roadblock, and she and TK start to make their way up to the fort's roof. Finally in a cab, Jennifer whines that she doesn't want to deal with the race anymore, and doesn't even want to be there. Yep, she's in full-on quitter mode. If she can't pull herself out of this headspace, they won't last long. That's a good thing. The Pinkies arrive at the pitstop, and run up the steps, giving a little shriek when the gun goes off. Phil welcomes them as team number two. They high-five, and pull each other into a sort of half hug. Yeah, they're totally dating. TK and Rachel get strapped into the zip-line. Whoooosh! They reach the Detour clue, and choose Short & Long. The Bickersons check in as team three. Phil notes that they're treating each other a little coldly. They explain that they're not thrilled with each other, and Jennifer doesn't know if they're going to make it. Oh, but you're both such wonderful people! I refuse to believe such an intelligent, warm, friendly couple can't make a go of it.
Nicolas and Donald's plane arrives from Zagreb, and there are no subtitles given for arrival time, because they don't want to tell us that it's probably about 4:30 PM by now. Hey, wait. How come Azaria and Hendekea couldn't get the Vienna or Zagreb flights in Vilnius, rather than their crappy Frankfurt one? Maybe these airlines don't operate out of that airport. Nicolas and Donald have no idea what place they're in. I suspect they know they're not in first. TK and Rachel rappel. Azaria and Hendekea arrive (no arrival time given here, either), and grab a taxi to the harbor. Nicolas and Donald arrive at the Roadblock, and Donald takes it. Azaria and Hendekea's cab driver tells them that he's seen "many, many" teams already come through today. This does not improve their mood. Donald plods along at the Roadblock, and for the first time, Nicolas starts to get snippy and impatient with him. Donald has the grace not to respond with something like "Sorry. I know this task should be as easy as finding a hair salon." TK and Rachel ascend the rope ladder. Nicolas quietly explains to the cameraman that Donald is being too methodical in his approach to the Roadblock, and taking way too much time to select each stone. He's not nasty about it or anything, but you can tell how worried he is about their placement. Azaria and Hendekea make progress. TK and Rachel finish the ladder. Nicolas needles Donald about going faster.
Commercials. The little girls trying to stay awake long enough to catch Santa are cute, but I doubt they're interested in receiving those giant snowshoes you're peddling.
Donald finishes the Roadblock, so it's off to the fort roof. Azaria and Hendekea have gotten out of their cab, but still haven't found the cluebox. TK and Rachel finish the Detour, and get a taxi to the pitstop. Nicolas and Donald get strapped into the zip-line, and Nicolas spots Azaria and Hendekea approaching the Roadblock. Better step on it, you two. Whoooosh! Azaria takes the Roadblock. Hendekea spots Nicolas and Donald zooming overhead to the Detour clue, where they select Long & Short, so that Donald can rest in the boat. Not to mention that navigating a maze of streets isn't really their strong suit. Azaria dashes to and fro with his stones. Nicolas and Donald whoooosh down the second zip-line. Azaria finishes the Roadblock. TK and Rachel are thrilled to arrive at the mat as team number four. Quick aside: I'm grateful to my local CBS affiliate for running a small crawl about the bad weather at the bottom of the screen, rather than breaking into the show to inform me that it's snowing. Maybe they've figured out that people are remarkably good at discerning the weather by looking out the window.
Azaria and Hendekea dash to the roof and get strapped in, resolving to overtake "Gramps". Whoooosh! They get to the Detour, and choose Long & Short. For some reason, Nicolas... You know, the one who suggested this Detour so that Donald could rest? Well, he's letting his grandfather do all the rowing, while keeping up his stream of helpful advice, such as "we need to go faster". Donald asks him if he'd like to row for a while. Hey, good idea! Why didn't somebody think of this before? Azaria and Hendekea whooosh down the second zip-line. Oof, this is going to be a close one. Especially since Nicolas didn't change position when he took the oars, and is facing the wrong direction (AKA the Christina Method). Donald tries to give him some rowing advice, which is not well-received. They approach the harbor. Azaria and Hendekea try to avoid running over some swimmers with their boat. Hehehe. Nicolas and Donald disembark, and soon find the clue that sends them to the pitstop. Donald thinks he knows where to find a cab. Azaria and Hendekea disembark. Nicolas and Donald wander. Azaria and Hendekea get the pitstop clue. Nicolas and Donald have to go into a nearby business to ask where to find a taxi. They eventually get one. Azaria and Hendekea are right on their tails. Aiiieee! This is a nail-biter!
Nicolas and Donald's cab encounters some cars backed up on the road leading to the cross, so they lose some time. This is probably less suspenseful than it seems, because it's not like Azaria and Hendekea would find a faster way there. There's only one access road. Still... Aiiieee! The mini-jam loosens up. Both cabs zoom along. One of them approaches the pitstop. Who will it be? It's Nicolas and Donald, who stride up to the mat as team number five. Nicolas remarks that they're "surviving by the hair on their chinny-chin-chin". Heh. Azaria and Hendekea arrive, and hustle up the steps to the mat, barely taking notice of the gun salute. They've got bigger problems to worry about. They are last, and they are eliminated. They're naturally disappointed, and Hendekea says the worst part is that "Nobody beat us. We beat ourselves". I can't disagree. Azaria says he's really proud of the way Hendekea has put up with him, and is very impressed by her. Hendekea knows he just wants her to strong and happy, so as with most siblings on this show, their relationship hasn't changed an iota. It's interesting that those kinds of teams are the most stable ones. As for Azaria and Hendekea, we go out on them staring pensively at the Croatian sunset. OK, let's not get too melodramatic. It's elimination from a reality show, not the end of Beaches.
"Next week" on The Amazing Race: Donald is stymied by a Fast Forward. Kynt tries to be masterful with Vyxsin. Hahahaha! Oh, wait. He's serious. Allow me to laugh even harder. HAHAHAHA!
Overall Grade: B+
Previously on The Amazing Race: Seven teams left Burkina Faso for Lithuania. Ronald and Christina continued to work on their communication skills, while Nicolas and Donald rose and fell like a thimble in a hurricane. The Bickersons fought all over the place. The IBs almost became road pancakes. Somehow, their plan to "flirt their way through the race" didn't work out when it became apparent that they'd have to, like, accomplish tasks and stuff, and they got punted to go be interchangeable back in La-La Land. Six teams remain. Who will be eliminated next?
Opening credits. Surely, that train zooming by behind the Pinkies isn't in the graveyard. It's called resting in peace, city planners.
Vilnius, Lithuania. A trio of towering, white crosses huddles together for company. Phil's Opening Blather asks if Nathan is willing to "change his behavior" to convince Jennifer that he's the "guy for her". Huh. I must have nodded off during the part that they take her to task for being just as much of an asshole as he is, because seriously... It's not like she just graduated from finishing school. The Crap Task was apparently not enough product placement to cram down our throats, so we open the leg with even more. Soon, this show will just be an hour-long commercial that they broadcast from different countries. I'll do us all the favor of skipping this, and get right to TK and Rachel, leaving the mat first at 1:00 AM. Rrrrrrrip! The clue tells them to get to Dubrovnik, Croatia, 900 miles away. When they land, they'll go to the base of the Fort of St. Lawrence, where the next clue awaits.
The Pinkies leave at 1:01 AM, and let us know that teams will be getting $109 for this leg. I'm a little sad that money hasn't figured into this season the way it has before. Forcing teams to be thrifty was good television. I'm obligated to inform you that the Pinkies are wearing matching pink cowboy hats. They're as tasteful as they sound. Both teams head for the airport. TK and Rachel interview that keeping cool heads and mellow attitudes is not only good race strategy, but helpful for their overall experience and relationship. It's too bad the Bickersons haven't left the mat yet, or we could have had a smash cut to them screaming at each other over who's more of a douchebag. Rachel kids that Croatia sounds like a hotbed of gymnast activity. The Pinkies hope to finally score a first-place finish.
Ronald and Christina leave the mat at 1:15 AM, and are very excited about Croatia. Christina interviews that their mat placements tend to reflect how their relationship is going at the time. I think that may be true. Christina wants to get a taxi, but Ronald crabs that there aren't any around, and they need to do something else. It's his usual brand of having a good point, but expressing it in a needlessly bitchy way. As they jog to a hotel to call ahead for a reservation, Christina voices-over that she's trying to tackle Ronald's nagging head-on, and she does a good job of diffusing it when she tells him not to criticize, then points out that he should be just as nice to her as he is to the hotel desk clerk. Azaria and Hendekea leave the mat at 1:20 AM. Hendekea interviews that Azaria is a bit of a control freak, but she trusts him to know what he's doing. They grab a taxi.
At the airport, TK/Rachel and the Pinkies bond over their pseudo-outsider status, and team up to do some internet research. They conclude that Czech Airlines will have the earliest flight, and Kynt sends TK and Rachel to go start a line for when the office opens, while he and Vyxsin continue to mess around on the computer. Back at the hotel, Ronald and Christina manage to reserve a ticket on Polish Air that leaves Vilnius at 6:25 AM, connects in Warsaw, and gets into Dubrovnik at 11:20 AM. Nice work, you two. I doubt there's an earlier flight than that. The Bickersons leave the mat at 1:29 AM. Jennifer thinks the race experience has been great, but tainted by their fighting. I'd say the same thing about watching it, so thanks a lot. She thinks the rest of the race will be the true test of whether their relationship can survive. Oh, I sure hope you guys can work it ou...zzzzzzzz. In Azaria and Hendekea's cab, she's explaining to the cameraman that she has a Croatian friend, and thus knows how to say "There's a party in my pants!" in Croatian. Haha! Isn't that always the way with multilingual friends? You learn dirty words first, which is why the only thing I know how to say in Hindi is "motherfucker". They get to the airport, and decide to get in line behind a snoozing TK/Rachel.
Nicolas and Donald leave the mat at 1:42 AM. It's early, so I won't pick on all these people for having as much trouble pronouncing Dubrovnik as they had with Ouagadougou. They're not thrilled to be in last place right now, but Donald says he's motivated to really give it his all this leg. Nicolas points out that there aren't enough teams left to just hope you don't screw something up, but that you really have to play aggressively now. Ronald and Christina get out of their cab, and sneeze their thanks at the driver. They see the other teams lined up at Czech Air, and decide to hop in line to double-check that their ticket is the best route. The Pinkies are still over at the computer. The Bickersons and Nicolas/Donald join the line, Nicolas kidding that he had dibs on the front. Hehe. Kynt wonders why everyone is lining up at an airline that may not have the best tickets, and Vyxsin says that it's because they're sheep. Can't argue with that. They decide to go to an agency office that deals with more than one airline. Good idea. Man, some of these people are way sharper than I would be at an airport in the middle of the night.
An old alliance is reborn when Christina pulls Azaria and Hendekea aside to let them know about the Polish Air tickets. She hands over the phone number, but doesn't know the country code they'll need to connect. Azaria thinks that'll be easy to figure out, and the siblings ditch the line for an information counter. The Pinkies find an open agency, and inquire about early tickets to Dubrovnik. I'm sure that one of the hardest things for a team to see while sitting motionless in a line is another team that appears to be making good progress elsewhere. The people in the Czech Air line see the Pinkies doing business, and begin to get fidgety. The Bickersons decide to leave the line and go see if they can get in on some of this travel agency action. They waffle about it, even as they make their way over. Ronald and Christina soon follow suit.
Christina asks the Pinkies if they mind if she asks the agent some questions, and Kynt says that he'd rather let her finish up his transaction first. That's reasonable, and Christina nods in understanding. Ronald, however, still isn't the greatest at either people skills or at reading a social situation, so he goes ahead and starts asking the agent about what time other offices open and such. Kynt again points out that he's doing business with her right now, and Ronald is welcome to get in line. Ronald gets pissy and stalks out, and Christina apologizes for him. "It's OK. I have a dad, too," Vyxsin responds. Hehehehe. Ronald is out in the hallway trying to get sympathy from TK/Rachel and Nicolas/Donald, who couldn't care less. I would imagine that Nicolas and Donald, in particular, aren't about to leap to Ronald's defense in matters of courtesy. Christina exits the office and shuts him down again, while Nicolas and Donald happily note that the more teams ditch the line, the more they move up.
Azaria and Hendekea can't connect to Polish Air, so they wander off and decide to have a fight about nothing. Azaria grips Hendekea's shoulder and tells her in a very parental tone not to give him attitude. I love my older sister dearly, but if Veruca ever tried that with me, she'd be looking down the business end of a profanity-laced tirade. Hendekea doesn't seem to care that much. An agent arrives to open the Czech Air office. The Bickersons note this, and since the Pinkies are still tying up the travel agency, decide to go back to the line they've already abandoned. TK and Rachel find out that Czech Air leaves Vilnius at 6:00 AM (whoops, forget what I said about Ronald and Christina's flight clearly being the best), connects through Prague, and gets into Dubrovnik at 11:20 AM (whoops, forget about me asking you to forget the other comment). The Bickersons poke their heads in and determine that there are plenty of seats on the flight. Azaria and Hendekea rejoin the line, and continue to crab at each other. Azaria's still being a dick, and Hendekea's still blowing him off. Christina interrupts their fighting to suggest that they go check up on the Pinkies, since they're last in line anyway. Thrilled to have something other than their screwup to focus on, they agree.
They arrive to find the Pinkies learning about the Czech Air flight. They also ask about availability, and Kynt again asks to finish up his own transaction. In the other line, TK and Rachel book tickets, and Nicolas and Donald step up and ask for the same thing. The agent suggests business class, but Nicolas tells her (per the rules of the race), that they have to get economy seats. Christina suggests to Ronald that they just stick with their original reservations. I guess she found out that the two flights get in at the same time. The office where they need to pick up their tickets hasn't opened yet. The Pinkies are told about the Polish Air flight. Since the arrival times are the same, the Pinkies wisely choose to give themselves some departure padding, and select the Polish Air flight, which leaves later. They get their tickets, and hustle down to the Polish Air counter. Ronald and Christina soon get their tickets as well. Azaria and Hendekea ask for tickets on the Polish Air flight. In a telling moment that I didn't catch on the first viewing, Azaria asks for economy seats, but Hendekea is babbling about how much of a hurry they're in at the same time and in a louder voice.
Nicolas and Donald get the Czech Air tickets. The Bickersons are next in line, but now that the flight is leaving so soon, check-in has closed. Dun dun duuuuuun! The Bickersons do what they do best, and whine a lot, trying to make their point by saying they already asked the agent about these tickets and were told everything was fine. Nice try, chumps, but you asked about ticket availability. There could be fifty seats open, but it doesn't help you if check-in has already closed. Thankfully, the agent isn't one of those wishy-washy types, and just curtly apologizes before moving on to the next person in line. The Bickersons jog off unhappily. They go to the agency where Azaria and Hendekea are still doing business, and Azaria sends them to the Polish Air office to see if they can get tickets on the flight that leaves at 6:25 AM. Ew, don't help them. Azaria and Hendekea get tickets, and the Bickersons soon follow.
The Czech Air flight takes off, and yeah, there are oodles of empty seats. Hah! Suck it, Bickersons. The teams on the Polish Air flight check in, and Hendekea asks for seats near the front of the plane. The check-in agent tells them that that's not really an option, since they're flying business class. Hendekea's face seizes in terror, and she calls Azaria over to tell him. They understandably panic, and run off to the travel agency to work something out. The Bickersons, the Pinkies, and Ronald/Christina board with no problems, while Azaria and Hendekea attempt to beg for economy seats. Unfortunately, there are no more economy seats available, which is probably why they got business class in the first place. So, they're screwed.
Commercials. I really hope Muses have better inspirations to impart than easy-heat pastas.
Azaria and Hendekea have no choice but to ask for the next flight to Dubrovnik. Hendekea wishes they hadn't run around the airport like fools. So in a way, it's Christina's fault! They get a flight that connects through Frankfurt, and make sure to ask for economy seats this time. Heh. The agent confirms that their competitors are connecting through Prague, and tells them that the Prague airport is currently bogged down with all sorts of delays, so they won't make it on time. I'm not sure if she's just trying to soothe Azaria and Hendekea, but it does seem to calm them down. Well, let's see if she's right. The Czech Air flight lands in Prague at 7:20 AM, where TK/Rachel and Nicolas/Donald learn that, indeed, they're too late to catch the connection. Oh, this show. They hurry off to a ticket counter, where TK and Rachel get tickets on a flight to Dubrovnik that connects through Vienna. And, guess what? Those are the last ones, so Nicolas and Donald are screwed again. Yikes. At this point, Nicolas is just like "Any flight. Any airline. Just get me to fucking Dubrovnik." The agent offers tickets on a flight that connects through Zagreb. He takes them, and the two flights take off.
Dubrovnik, Croatia. It is really beautiful, and looks almost tropical. At 11:20 AM, the Polish Air flight arrives, and the Bickersons run out of the airport to the taxis, putting them in first place. Boo! The Pinkies and Ronald/Christina are hot on their heels. Christina shows off her Croatian by saying "Fast. Fast. Fast," and the driver gestures at the cab, implying that they'd probably get there faster if she got in. Hehe. Once in their taxis, the teams all enjoy the spectacular view of the city and the water. The Bickersons and the Pinkies arrive at the harbor, and spot a red and yellow flag. They run down to it, but it's not the cluebox. So the first ones to actually reach the clue are Ronald and Christina. I love all these changes of fortune (provided that it's due to luck or racing mistakes, rather than interference). It's one of the things that makes this show exciting. Ronald and Christina open the clue. Rrrrrrrip! Roadblock! "Who has a builder's eye?" Phil explains that in this Roadblock, the chosen team member has to help renovate the city walls that were destroyed in the Yugoslav civil war of the 1990s. That's a neat idea, but the task itself isn't that complicated. The team member goes to a pile of 150 stones, and searches for one of eight that fits into a hole in a stone wall. When they find a stone that fits, they'll get the next clue. That's it? Meh.
Ronald takes the Roadblock. As the other two teams continue to search for the cluebox, he gets started, and appears to finish the Roadblock in seconds. Yeah, not the most compelling task ever. Fortunately, it's redeemed by what comes next. Rrrrrrrip! Teams must now make their way to the top of the Fort of St. Lawrence, and ride a tandem zip-line over the water to the roof of another fort. The next cluebox will be there. Ronald and Christina joyfully run off, while the Bickersons/Pinkies appear to finally get their bearings. Ronald and Christina fret about safety and nausea, but allow themselves to be strapped into the zip-line. They clutch hands. Whoooosh! The ride looks awesome, which Christina confirms as they get unhooked. Onto the next clue. Rrrrrrrip! Detour! Short & Long or Long & Short. In Short & Long, teams rappel down the fort to the base. They then run to another wall, and scale it via a rope ladder. Then, they'll make their way through the streets of Dubrovnik to a specific plaza, where the next cluebox awaits. Phil explains that the physical strain of this task is fairly short, but navigating the confusing streets could be difficult. In Long & Short, teams get on another tandem zip-line, and ride it straight into the water below. They then swim to a fishing boat that they'll row around the city walls to a marked section of the harbor. Guess what it's marked with. Yep, it's the very flag that the other teams first spotted. Once they arrive, it's a short distance to the same plaza. So, this choice is much more physically punishing, but won't require a lot of navigation. Interesting.
LabRat and I quickly agree that Short & Long looks much more appealing. Ronald and Christina ignore us, and go for Long & Short. The Pinkies and Bickersons finally arrive at the Roadblock, where it's taken on by Nathan and Kynt. The girls stand aside, kidding that the task is just like a game of Tetris. Ronald and Christina zoom down their second zip-line, and splash into the water. Nathan finishes the Roadblock, and the Bickersons take off for the fort roof. Ronald and Christina reach their fishing boat, where Christina gives the worst rowing advice ever, suggesting that Ronald turn himself around and face the direction that they're headed. I'm a terrible rower, and even I know that you sit backwards. Maybe Christina has just never been on a float trip. Ronald gamely gives it a try. The Bickersons strap in. Whoooosh! They get to the Detour clue, and choose Long & Short. Ronald crabs his way into using the correct method to row. The Bickersons spot him, and pledge to kick his butt at the rowing. They whooosh down their second zip-line.
Kynt finishes the Roadblock. Ronald complains that he's tired and that rowing has sapped all his energy. Again with this? It's like he and Christina thrive on carefully weighing their Detour options, then deliberately choosing the one they'll be worse at. The Bickersons reach the boat, where Nathan declares that he has no idea how to row it. Jennifer helps out by carping that there's a team in front of them. Sigh. Well, now I have to take back what I said about Christina giving the worst rowing advice ever, because Ronald tops her by suggesting that they each take an oar. Maybe that would work out for the Yale sculling team, but not these two. They manage to make slow progress. The Bickersons fight. It's so rote by this point, I can't bring myself to go into details. You know they suck, just as they've always sucked, so let's move on. Ronald and Christina row contentedly, and interview that your relationship with your teammate is critical to winning the race, which is, of course, our cue to check in with how much the Bickersons hate each other.
The Pinkies strap in. Whoooosh! They reach the Detour clue, and choose Short & Long. Ronald and Christina spot the Bickersons gaining on them, and speed up. The Bickersons are too busy screaming at each other to notice. The Pinkies suit up for their rappel. Kynt tells Vyxsin she looks kinda hot in her straps, which only reminds me of how not dating these two are. She makes it down the wall in a breeze. The Bickersons figure out that when they stop fighting, they actually row better. Uncanny. Kynt hops down the wall. Ronald and Christina reach the harbor barely ahead of the Bickersons, and the two teams go in separate directions to find the plaza. Vyxsin scales the rope ladder, and Kynt offers encouragement by saying "Little pink kitten, you're at the top!" Heh. The Bickersons find the plaza seconds before Ronald and Christina, so they're again in first place. Boo! Rrrrrrip! Teams must now travel four miles by taxi to the pitstop, a giant stone cross that overlooks the city. This episode sure is cross-heavy. No matter, though. The cross won't offer any sanctuary to the team that arrives last. The Bickersons and Ronald/Christina run off to find cabs.
Kynt scales the ladder. Vyxsin calls him a little Goth action hero as he reaches the top. They take off to find the plaza. The Bickersons find a cab, but in one of those moments you couldn't write if you tried, the driver kicks them out for being too wet. Hahahahaha! Now, this is where you and I would try to talk him into allowing us to ride in his cab by being polite. The Bickersons opt for being whiny and confrontational, which somehow fails to soften the driver's heart. Ronald and Christina find a driver who doesn't care about moisture, so they're on their way to the cross. They pass by the Bickersons, and Jennifer raises her arms in a how-could-you-do-this-to-me gesture, as she is wont to do when people are beating her fair and square. Jennifer begins wailing about how unfair the situation is, and how much their relationship sucks. This is the point where you can see that race fatigue has begun to set in on her. She's never been the best at bouncing back from setbacks, but she's reached the point that she doesn't even want to try. It's normally a very sad thing to witness, but in her case, I'm all for it.
Commercials. The National Treasure sequel? Oh, Helen Mirren. This is so beneath you.
Jennifer continues her meltdown, so Nathan takes charge of the team by asking a nearby motorist if he's a taxi. The guy replies in the negative, so the Bickersons ask if he can just drop them at the stone cross real quick. Uh, what? The guy agrees. As they get going, the Bickersons offer to give him some money, because "none of the taxis would take [them]", due to their dampness. I like how one driver now represents the entire taxi fleet of Dubrovnik. Anyway, the Bickersons are secure in their decision to completely ignore the whole "take a taxi" part of the clue. I'm sure that will work out well for them. The Pinkies wend their way through the streets.
2:39 PM. TK and Rachel arrive on their flight from Vienna. They grab a cab to the Fort of St. Lawrence. Ronald and Christina approach the pitstop, and hustle up the stone stairs to the cross. Besides the greeter, there are men in costume who give them a gun salute. Ronald and Christina practically hit the deck. Hehe. They jump on the mat, and Phil gives them the good news that they are team number one. They jump in glee and give each other a hug. Phil is just as surprised at their placement as the rest of us. He tells them that for coming in first, they've won a twelve-and-a-half-foot catamaran. Meh. I'd prefer a trip.
Limecrete: "What are the two of them going to do with a catamaran?"
LabRat: "Fight over how to sail it".
Christina smilingly interviews that success in the race is all about teamwork. Speaking of exemplary teamwork, let's check in with the Bickersons. Ronald and Christina's cab is leaving as they pull up to the cross, so they were not far behind at all. They run up the steps, and freak out at the gun salute. They hop on the mat, where Phil tells them they are the "second team to arrive". Uh, oh. It's never a good sign when Phil says "X team to arrive" rather than "team number X". They don't notice this, and are happy enough, until Phil gives them the dreaded "However..." He tells the Bickersons that they did not take a legal form of transportation to get to the pitstop, so they must go back to the plaza and catch a cab back to the cross before he can check them in. He wishes them luck and tells them to "make haste". Oh, I don't think that's necessary. The Bickersons are plenty hasty. It's totally not their fault that this happened; "take a taxi" is such an ambiguous phrase! On their way back to the plaza, Nathan gives us the titular quote. While they're en route, the Pinkies complete the Detour, and get their pitstop clue. They're up to the intellectual challenge of puzzling through the complex "take a taxi" instruction.
TK and Rachel reach the Roadblock, where Rachel takes it on. Nathan and Jennifer re-rip their clue at the plaza, where Jennifer reads off the instructions in the snottiest, most sarcastic voice imaginable. Oh, fuck you, princess. You wouldn't be in this situation if you weren't such a colossal dumbass. Rachel finishes the still-boring Roadblock, and she and TK start to make their way up to the fort's roof. Finally in a cab, Jennifer whines that she doesn't want to deal with the race anymore, and doesn't even want to be there. Yep, she's in full-on quitter mode. If she can't pull herself out of this headspace, they won't last long. That's a good thing. The Pinkies arrive at the pitstop, and run up the steps, giving a little shriek when the gun goes off. Phil welcomes them as team number two. They high-five, and pull each other into a sort of half hug. Yeah, they're totally dating. TK and Rachel get strapped into the zip-line. Whoooosh! They reach the Detour clue, and choose Short & Long. The Bickersons check in as team three. Phil notes that they're treating each other a little coldly. They explain that they're not thrilled with each other, and Jennifer doesn't know if they're going to make it. Oh, but you're both such wonderful people! I refuse to believe such an intelligent, warm, friendly couple can't make a go of it.
Nicolas and Donald's plane arrives from Zagreb, and there are no subtitles given for arrival time, because they don't want to tell us that it's probably about 4:30 PM by now. Hey, wait. How come Azaria and Hendekea couldn't get the Vienna or Zagreb flights in Vilnius, rather than their crappy Frankfurt one? Maybe these airlines don't operate out of that airport. Nicolas and Donald have no idea what place they're in. I suspect they know they're not in first. TK and Rachel rappel. Azaria and Hendekea arrive (no arrival time given here, either), and grab a taxi to the harbor. Nicolas and Donald arrive at the Roadblock, and Donald takes it. Azaria and Hendekea's cab driver tells them that he's seen "many, many" teams already come through today. This does not improve their mood. Donald plods along at the Roadblock, and for the first time, Nicolas starts to get snippy and impatient with him. Donald has the grace not to respond with something like "Sorry. I know this task should be as easy as finding a hair salon." TK and Rachel ascend the rope ladder. Nicolas quietly explains to the cameraman that Donald is being too methodical in his approach to the Roadblock, and taking way too much time to select each stone. He's not nasty about it or anything, but you can tell how worried he is about their placement. Azaria and Hendekea make progress. TK and Rachel finish the ladder. Nicolas needles Donald about going faster.
Commercials. The little girls trying to stay awake long enough to catch Santa are cute, but I doubt they're interested in receiving those giant snowshoes you're peddling.
Donald finishes the Roadblock, so it's off to the fort roof. Azaria and Hendekea have gotten out of their cab, but still haven't found the cluebox. TK and Rachel finish the Detour, and get a taxi to the pitstop. Nicolas and Donald get strapped into the zip-line, and Nicolas spots Azaria and Hendekea approaching the Roadblock. Better step on it, you two. Whoooosh! Azaria takes the Roadblock. Hendekea spots Nicolas and Donald zooming overhead to the Detour clue, where they select Long & Short, so that Donald can rest in the boat. Not to mention that navigating a maze of streets isn't really their strong suit. Azaria dashes to and fro with his stones. Nicolas and Donald whoooosh down the second zip-line. Azaria finishes the Roadblock. TK and Rachel are thrilled to arrive at the mat as team number four. Quick aside: I'm grateful to my local CBS affiliate for running a small crawl about the bad weather at the bottom of the screen, rather than breaking into the show to inform me that it's snowing. Maybe they've figured out that people are remarkably good at discerning the weather by looking out the window.
Azaria and Hendekea dash to the roof and get strapped in, resolving to overtake "Gramps". Whoooosh! They get to the Detour, and choose Long & Short. For some reason, Nicolas... You know, the one who suggested this Detour so that Donald could rest? Well, he's letting his grandfather do all the rowing, while keeping up his stream of helpful advice, such as "we need to go faster". Donald asks him if he'd like to row for a while. Hey, good idea! Why didn't somebody think of this before? Azaria and Hendekea whooosh down the second zip-line. Oof, this is going to be a close one. Especially since Nicolas didn't change position when he took the oars, and is facing the wrong direction (AKA the Christina Method). Donald tries to give him some rowing advice, which is not well-received. They approach the harbor. Azaria and Hendekea try to avoid running over some swimmers with their boat. Hehehe. Nicolas and Donald disembark, and soon find the clue that sends them to the pitstop. Donald thinks he knows where to find a cab. Azaria and Hendekea disembark. Nicolas and Donald wander. Azaria and Hendekea get the pitstop clue. Nicolas and Donald have to go into a nearby business to ask where to find a taxi. They eventually get one. Azaria and Hendekea are right on their tails. Aiiieee! This is a nail-biter!
Nicolas and Donald's cab encounters some cars backed up on the road leading to the cross, so they lose some time. This is probably less suspenseful than it seems, because it's not like Azaria and Hendekea would find a faster way there. There's only one access road. Still... Aiiieee! The mini-jam loosens up. Both cabs zoom along. One of them approaches the pitstop. Who will it be? It's Nicolas and Donald, who stride up to the mat as team number five. Nicolas remarks that they're "surviving by the hair on their chinny-chin-chin". Heh. Azaria and Hendekea arrive, and hustle up the steps to the mat, barely taking notice of the gun salute. They've got bigger problems to worry about. They are last, and they are eliminated. They're naturally disappointed, and Hendekea says the worst part is that "Nobody beat us. We beat ourselves". I can't disagree. Azaria says he's really proud of the way Hendekea has put up with him, and is very impressed by her. Hendekea knows he just wants her to strong and happy, so as with most siblings on this show, their relationship hasn't changed an iota. It's interesting that those kinds of teams are the most stable ones. As for Azaria and Hendekea, we go out on them staring pensively at the Croatian sunset. OK, let's not get too melodramatic. It's elimination from a reality show, not the end of Beaches.
"Next week" on The Amazing Race: Donald is stymied by a Fast Forward. Kynt tries to be masterful with Vyxsin. Hahahaha! Oh, wait. He's serious. Allow me to laugh even harder. HAHAHAHA!
Overall Grade: B+
Sunday, December 09, 2007
We've Really Burned Bridges, For Sure
The Amazing Race - Season 12, Episode 5
Previously on The Amazing Race: Burkina Faso was so wonderful, it could not be contained in one episode. The Pinkies charmed their way from village to village. Nathan and Jennifer couldn't match Azaria and Hendekea in speed, task ability, or communication with the locals, but it was soooooooo rude that the siblings reached the mat first. What gall they have. IB#1 made the completely reasonable, and perhaps even necessary decision to U-Turn Jason and Lorena, which caused some tension between her and IB#2, who has the strategic capability of a grapefruit. Phil may have left that last clause off. Jason and Lorena ended the race not with a bang, but a whimper, as they started in last and had no opportunity to catch up. Seven teams remain. Who will be eliminated next?
Opening credits. Nathan lobs an easy one to Jennifer. Good thing. I'm sure beating her in volleyball would be completely unfair.
Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso. Phil walks around in front of the Hotel De Ville, strolling past a statue that is asking for a Ricola. After his Opening Blather, Azaria and Hendekea are free to leave the mat at 6:45 AM. Rrrrrrrip! The clue tells them to travel more than 3,000 miles to Vilnius, Lithuania. Once there, they'll choose a marked car and drive to St. Anne's Church, where the next cluebox awaits. The church is extremely pretty. Azaria and Hendekea are snippy right off the mat. He barks at her for stepping into the street to hail a cab, and she barks at him because they kind of...need a cab. Nathan and Jennifer leave the mat at 6:46 AM. Jennifer pledges to use the "ball of fire" within them to "rage through" the leg and come in first. Jennifer is all about competition! As long as her competitors graciously step aside for her. The two lead teams grab taxis, and Azaria reads a part of the clue that says that all tickets must be purchased at an official airline ticketing office.
The airport ticket counter is closed, so Hendekea suggests going to find an internet connection somewhere. Jennifer cautions her that they can't buy tickets that way, but Hendekea was more in the mind of just researching what flights are available. The four of them find an information counter, and are told by a lady wearing an "Are You Ready?" T-shirt that there is another ticketing office in Ouagadougou itself, which she thinks opens at 9 AM. The teams decide to stick it out, and Jennifer hops online to check for Air France tickets. Meanwhile, Ronald and Christina are leaving the mat at 7:17 AM. They're still working on their communication. Christina tells us she's been consciously and repeatedly telling her dad that she loves him, which she knows makes him a little uncomfortable. He responds by rhapsodizing about Lithuanian pastries. Ah, the awkward parent-child bond. Nicolas and Donald leave the mat at 7:18 AM. They interview something patchy about how Donald may have issues with his memory. I don't know, it wasn't very clear. In any event, they have trouble spotting an available taxi.
The Pinkies are off at 7:22 AM. They hustle out of the pitstop, and spot an available cab before Nicolas and Donald are able to walk over to it. Kynt can't wait to get someplace with "spooky architecture". He should hang out in North St. Louis. From out of the cab window, we can see that it's raining. Again. It's like the same storm is following the teams around from country to country. Hey, maybe it's racing, too! Kynt baffles me by saying that he doesn't try to control Vyxsin, but he does try to guide her. Huh? She's pretty clearly worn the pants on this team from the very beginning. How odd. Nicolas and Donald find a cab. Ronald/Christina and the Pinkies catch up to the teams at the information booth. Nicolas and Donald find an internet cafe (or as Donald puts it, an "internet buffet") in town. Yum, all-you-can-eat Pentium chips. Hendekea calls Air France and learns of a flight connecting through Paris that leaves at 10:45 PM. Yikes, that's awfully late.
The IBs leave the mat at 7:44 AM. IB#2 tells the cab driver to take them to the Burkina Faso airport. Sure, why not? Don't you ask for the America airport? IB#1 points out that maybe it'd be a good idea to specify Ouagadougou, and IB#2 snits in interview that if the IBs hope to win this race, they're going to have to be a unified team. Well, maybe IB#1 would be more willing to listen to you if you weren't so damn stupid. IB#2 also still feels guilty about U-Turning Jason and Lorena, because she doesn't like to "hurt" people. Man, I'd love to play Monopoly with IB#2 sometime. I could explain how much it hurts my feelings when she expects the rent.
LabRat: "I'm surprised she even remembers the U-Turn."
TK and Rachel are last to depart, at 7:59 AM. Coming in second-to-last was very humbling, and they say they need to change their game to accommodate how fierce the competition is getting. Just tell IB#2 how horrible she is for being in front of you! She'll fold like a card table. Kynt informs the IBs of the 10:45 flight. Ronald is tired of sticking around, so he and Christina leave to go to the Air France ticket office in town, to see if they're open. Jennifer's bitchface does not approve, and she scoffs "let them go". TK and Rachel find the other teams, but the information booth is so crammed with racers by this point, they decide to stroll off and see if they can get some information elsewhere. Ronald and Christina have found that the Air France office is open. Ha! I love that the editors wedge in as much "Suck it, Jennifer!" footage as possible. Christina asks the ticket agent if she speaks English. Not much, as it turns out. I'm not sure why Christina doesn't ask any of the other people standing around, but she sticks with this lady, who we'll just call Eris for reasons that will become clear.
Christina asks for the quickest way to Vilnius in English, but manages "More quickly. More quickly." in French. Eris checks the computer, and finds a series of flights that go from Ouagadougou to Paris, then Prague, then Vilnius. It will get them into Vilnius at 9:30 PM, which Ronald is understandably not thrilled about. Christina thinks they should just go to Paris and fish around for better flights there. I've heard of worse ideas, but Ronald hasn't. He points out that it's not like they're running for a plane right now, so they have ample time to figure out what they're doing. Christina is only asking about Air France, so Ronald tells her to ask about other airlines. He's overly pushy about it, as usual, but at least this time he's got a point. Nicolas and Donald are on a computer, and find a flight that will get them into Vilnius at 1:25 PM. Much better. Eris has found a better route for Ronald and Christina, but if this show has taught us nothing else, it has taught us that ticket agents are always wrong. The flight she has found gets them into Vilnius at 2:10 PM.
Hendekea finds out about the 1:25 PM flight. She and Azaria head for the ticket office, with Nathan/Jennifer and the IBs on their heels. The Pinkies decide to stay at the airport. Nicolas and Donald arrive at the ticket office as Ronald and Christina are leaving. Hilariously, both teams get very hush-hush, because neither one wants to tip off the other about their flight information. Christina even voices-over that she wants to keep the information about her terrific flight under wraps. The flight that arrives forty-five minutes after the other one. Hehe. Nicolas asks Eris about the 1:25 PM flight. Azaria/Hendekea and Nathan/Jennifer arrive at the ticket office. Nicolas gets jumpy and tries to tell Eris not to book the other teams on the flight. Much as I've been fuming about the teams being pissy for not having their hands held, I must point out that doing that was a pretty stank move to pull. I'd be grumpier about it if it had any prayer of succeeding, which, of course it doesn't, because:
1) Eris can barely string five words together in English. I don't think a hurriedly-whispered devious plot is going to be interpreted correctly.
2) As in all cases (but the Japanese Liar, damn him), it's one thing to try and obscure information from other teams, but quite another to try and talk service personnel into ignoring their jobs to help you screw over your race competition.
3) As Hendekea points out, they're standing right there, and can hear every word Nicolas is saying.
Yeah, I wouldn't sign Nicolas up for spy duty anytime soon. Maybe we should call him Not-a Hari. The IBs arrive. Azaria and Hendekea step up to another agent, but pause to ask Nicolas and Donald what flight they're on. Nicolas doesn't want to give up the information. Azaria is obviously perturbed by this, but doesn't want to let on that he cares (especially since Jennifer is standing there, and if Azaria complains that another team isn't doing enough for him, he'll undoubtedly be struck by lightning). The agent that Azaria and Hendekea talk to has a better grasp of English than Eris, so they have no problem getting the 1:25 PM flight, which connects through Amsterdam. Then Eris tells Nicolas and Donald that there's no room on the same flight, which they specifically requested before Azaria and Hendekea even came into the building. Ouch. The only other flight Eris mentions goes through Prague, and gets into Vilnius at 5:35 PM. They don't have any other options for the time being, so they go ahead and book tickets, then head for the airport. Azaria happily tells Nathan that Nicolas and Donald got struck with "bad karma". On first viewing, I thought he was saying this because Nicolas wouldn't tell him what flight they were on, which pissed me off, but he's probably referring to the whole "don't-sell-this-flight-to-them" thing, and in that case, I have to agree. Donald tells Nicolas he did the best he could and "C'est la vie. That's French, in case you didn't know." Hahaha!
Nathan/Jennifer and the IBs talk to their agents. TK and Rachel have apparently wandered around for long enough, and arrive at the ticket office. Nathan and Jennifer get tickets on the flight that gets into Vilnius at 1:25 PM. Which they buy from Eris. Who just told Nicolas and Donald that there was no more room on it. What is this woman smoking? Did she just screw over Nicolas and Donald on purpose? Could she just not understand what they wanted? Is she dumb as a post? Tragically, these are questions that will go unanswered. TK and Rachel ask for the same tickets, but Eris tells them the flight is full, even though the other agent is currently selling said tickets to the IBs. Seriously, what the hell? Maybe Nathan/Jennifer and the IBs reserved tickets from the internet office, so there really were no seats left for Nicolas and Donald. That's just an idea, though. Nicolas and Donald find a different Air France office at the airport, and thankfully, someone who understands what they want. TK and Rachel buy tickets from Eris that connect through Frankfurt, and get them into Vilnius at 1:35 PM. Where was this flight when Eris told Nicolas and Donald the best she could do was 5:35 PM?!? Arrrrgh! Nathan and Jennifer are at the airport's Air France office (I guess to pick up their boarding passes or something), and Nicolas finds out they were able to get the 1:25 PM arrival after he was expressly told it was full. This does not fill him with joy. The Pinkies get the 1:35 PM flight. Nicolas and Donald find out about this flight soon after, and change their tickets. So after all that kerfluffle, they've lost ten minutes. Not bad.
IB#1 tells IB#2 that they need to get seats towards the front of the plane. I really don't know how much time that'll save once you arrive in a new country and have to go through customs, but at least she's trying to think strategically. Which is fine, but then she crosses the line by trying to lay claim to the entire office, telling Hendekea that they'd like to be alone. Man, Hendekea gets griped at a lot. She and Azaria actually do clear out (along with Nathan and Jennifer, muttering about people's "true colors").
After IB#1 gives us the titular quote, IB#2 takes the opportunity to reiterate her gripe that they're pissing everyone off, and are going to be on the business end of a U-Turn if everyone hates them. IB#1 points out that if they hadn't U-Turned Jason and Lorena, they may have been eliminated last week. It's still as true now as it was then. IB#2 has more of a point in this case, because it's probably not wise to raise the other teams' hackles over something as inconsequential as seat placement. Even so, I feel like nobody would U-Turn the IBs because they have the tendency to be bitchy. At least, I hope not. Using penalties out of spite is dumb and useless. TK is sagely telling Nathan and Jennifer that "people" (i.e., IB#2) are upset over the U-Turn, and teams that stress out tend to fall apart and get eliminated. IB#1 tells IB#2 that if she wants her to leave IB#2 alone for a while, that's fine, because IB#2 is clearly just going to be annoyed with whatever IB#1 says. Agreeing with IB#1 so much makes me feel dirty. It's really something that she possibly helped save IB#2 from elimination last week, and the way IB#2 repays her is by carping at her. They bicker about who's the more methodical thinker. IB#2 sits around looking consternated. Actually, she looks like she doesn't have a thought in her head.
Commercials. If you believe the advertising world, most of the gifts given this holiday season will involve jewelry. Sorry, people on my list. Diamond necklaces aren't in the cards.
We pick up with the IBs still being pissed at each other (though IB#1 calls it being "feisty" -- ick). That evening, Ronald and Christina are talking to Nathan and Jennifer, and learn that their wonderful 2:10 PM arrival time isn't so wonderful, after all. They decide that the 1:25 PM flight has too close of a connection time, so they're not going to even attempt to improve their tickets. I guess I can understand not wanting to cut a connection too closely, but to not even research what's available when you know for a fact that your tickets aren't the best you can do? That sounds like a mistake to me. They thank Nathan and Jennifer for the information, and leave to board their flight to Paris. Oh, maybe that's why they didn't try to get better tickets. If they did, they may have missed the option of catching the flight they already have. That's more understandable. All the teams eventually take off for Paris, and then their connections. Phil recaps the results of all this airline shuffling. To wit: The connection through Amsterdam (getting into Vilnius at 1:25 PM) carries Azaria/Hendekea, Nathan/Jennifer, and the IBs. The connection through Frankfurt (getting into Vilnius at 1:35 PM) carries the Pinkies, TK/Rachel, and Nicolas/Donald. The connection through Prague (getting into Vilnius at 2:10 PM) carries Ronald and Christina. Thanks, Phil.
Vilnius, Lithuania. A statue would like us to know that a field goal is good. Wait, that sounds familiar. Oh, great. I'm starting to repeat myself. The first flight arrives on schedule at 1:25 PM, and the three lead teams dash out of the airport to find the marked cars. Nathan and Jennifer find theirs first, and once they're on the way, Jennifer consults a map and tells Nathan to take a left. A gong noise lets the audience in on the fact that this may not have been exemplary navigation. The second flight arrives at 1:35 PM. The Pinkies run to an information booth to get directions to St. Anne's, which Kynt asks for in a very pronounced British accent for some reason. Nicolas and Donald spot the marked cars almost immediately, which means that they've already passed a couple of the teams on the earlier flight. TK and Rachel find theirs next, and happily note that the IBs are still running around the parking lot. Eventually, everyone finds their cars.
Nathan and Jennifer have gotten lost. As in all of their other setbacks so far, Nathan becomes immediately flustered. I'd call them Team Immediately Flustered if it didn't take so long to type. The wrong turn that they initially took also claims TK/Rachel and the IBs. At 2:10 PM, Ronald and Christina arrive in Vilnius. They know they're in last place, so Christina makes the smart decision to hire a taxi to lead them to St. Anne's. Ronald compliments her quick thinking. Aw. Nathan and Jennifer continue to drive around in circles, so even after all that hassle of buying tickets, Nicolas and Donald reach the church in first place. Whee! They spot the cluebox and get their next clue. Rrrrrrrip! Roadblock! "Who's a good listener?" Phil explains that in this Roadblock, the chosen team member has to be a Lithuanian messenger. They will choose one of four designated old women working nearby, who will hand them a package, which includes a slip of paper with a person's name. She will direct them to another location where the person can be found (all of these people will be in the same place), and the Roadblocker will exchange the package for another. Then, they'll deliver the second package to another specific person and location (which are not all the same place), where they'll receive the next clue.
Nicolas takes on the Roadblock, and approaches one of the adorable old women. She tells him to find Veinius. There's a name you don't hear too often. Veinius, like all of the first package recipients, will be in the Vilnius University courtyard. Nicolas jots down the information, thanks the woman, gets the package, and darts off. Azaria and Hendekea are next to the church, but manage to bypass the cluebox, so the Pinkies get there just ahead of them. Kynt and Hendekea take the Roadblock. Nicolas finds Veinius, who directs him to find Olga at a hair salon. This is like a big game of "Where in Vilnius is Carmen Sandiego?". Kynt's old woman (the Lithuanian old woman, that is -- not Vyxsin) sends him to find Egle. Hendekea's sends her to find what sounds like "Tomas", though I doubt that's what it really was.
As Nathan and Jennifer pull up to a store for directions, Nathan admonishes Jennifer that they've got to run, no matter what. Smash cut to Jennifer taking off in a jog, while Nathan whines that she needs to wait for him. Hahahaha! The shop-keeper tells them that the church is a twenty-minute walk away. Nathan and Jennifer are flustered. TK and Rachel get some directions, while the IBs are apparently hoping to trip over the church at some point. IB#2 says she's going to turn the car around, and when she backs up, we see out of IB#1's window that a bus is bearing down on their car. It's a legitimately scary moment, although now I'm thinking that the blaring horn and screeching brakes sounds were added in later. IB#1 freaks out, and IB#2 snips at her to relax. "Oh, my God. A bus almost just killed me. I'm sorry; I should relax," IB#1 rightfully gripes.
Ronald and Christina's taxi idea has paid off, and they reach the Roadblock ahead of all three lost teams. Although they know Christina is more of a listener, and Ronald more of a talker, they assign the task to him. I guess that's because she milked the camel, vaulted the ditch, and strapped the goat to a bicycle. All he's done so far is pedal across the ravine. He thinks he's got his hernia under control, and gets his first package, which sends him to find "Milde".
Nicolas asks around the neighborhood, but nobody has any idea where the hair salon he's looking for is. Kynt and Hendekea deliver their first packages. Kynt is sent to the Gaby Cafe, and Hendekea will be in search of the same hair salon that is giving Nicolas so much trouble. Nathan and Jennifer are running for the church. Why they've abandoned their car is beyond me. They manage to fight as they run, with Nathan saying that he can't believe the person Jennifer has turned into over the course of the race, and that it's "the ugliest thing [he's] ever seen". She assures him the feeling is mutual. Kynt finds the cafe, and delivers his package. He actually takes the time to drop into the chair across from the clue-wrangler, and asks for the next clue as if casually mentioning it over a nice lunch they were having. Hehe. He goes back to Vyxsin to read the clue. Rrrrrrrip! It directs teams to drive themselves to Lietuvos Liaudies Buities Muziejus. Oh, there. Phil explains that it's an outdoor ethnographic museum in the town of Rumsiskes. Once they manage to find that mouthful, they will follow a marked path to Dzukija Village, where the next clue awaits.
The Pinkies get directions and take off. TK and Rachel find their way to the church, where TK takes the Roadblock. The IBs are still lost, and for once, IB#2 is the one with the point when she suggests stopping to ask someone for help. IB#1 says that'll slow them down. Sure, why would you need to know where you're going? IB#2 essentially says the same thing. Nathan and Jennifer finally find the church, where Jennifer takes the Roadblock. Business at the hair salon must be awful, because nobody has any idea where it is. Hendekea is having just as much trouble as Nicolas in locating it. TK finds a guy who appears to be stoned to lead him to the university courtyard. I guess he sensed a kindred spirit. Ronald gets directions. TK arrives at the courtyard, and finds the person he's looking for wandering around in the middle of a fountain. Maybe everyone in Vilnius is stoned. TK is sent to a restaurant to deliver his second package. His stoner buddy knows exactly where it is.
Jennifer gets directions. Ronald drops off his first package, and is sent to the restaurant. The IBs convince a neighboring car to lead them to the church. Ronald strolls by the Non-Roadblockers on his way to the restaurant, and Christina unhelpfully alerts him to the fact that other teams are on his tail. "Don't give me pressure! Silence, sil vous plait!" he yells, which I would have supported coming from anyone but him. He's still got a lot of penance to do for the Amsterdam leg. Christina shrugs it off, and Ronald runs into a nearby hotel for directions. Thanks to his stoner buddy, TK has completed the Roadblock, and vaulted to second place from fifth. He and Rachel get some quick directions, and take off for the museum. Ronald drops off his second package, and thanks the clue-wrangler with "Merci beaucoup." I guess his brain is still stuck in Burkina Faso mode. He quickly corrects himself by thanking the clue-wrangler in Lithuanian, which makes him sound like he's sneezing. Christina is thrilled to see him return so quickly, and they head for the museum. Jennifer drops off her first package, and is sent to the same cafe as Kynt. A nearby local agrees to lead her there. Nicolas and Hendekea search fruitlessly for the hair salon.
Jennifer finds the cafe and gets her next clue. Hendekea finally finds someone who knows where the hair salon is, and I have to say, if this lady patronizes it, I can see why it's so unpopular. Hendekea successfully begs her to lead the way. Jennifer returns to Nathan, who is "so proud" of her. They'll never fight again! They head back to their car. Hendekea drops off her package, and returns to Azaria. Donald is looking none too happy, especially when the IBs arrive. IB#2 volunteers to take the Roadblock, but IB#1 vetoes her by saying IB#2 "interprets things wrong". Ouch. IB#1 runs off. Nicolas walks right by the salon without realizing it. Donald begins to smell elimination.
Commercials. I'm actually writing this back half of the recap off a commercial-free tape. Oh, no! Now I have no idea what to buy!
Donald tells the cameraman that he's been waiting for Nicolas for a few hours (yikes!), and since the IBs have caught up, elimination is looking pretty certain. He manages to say all this in a very matter-of-fact tone, with no apparent anger or disappointment in Nicolas, which was very nice to see. IB#1 gets her first package, and heads for the university courtyard. Nicolas finds someone who can lead him to the hair salon. God, finally. That was getting painful. The Pinkies reach the ethnographic museum. Oh, crud. It's one of those horrible product-placement tasks. I understand that flying all these people around the world isn't cheap, but that's what commercials and sponsored pitstop prizes are for. I refuse to accept that sending people to Lithuania (to a cultural museum, no less), and forcing them to participate in an extended ad for an American business is a worthy task. This particular one is made even worse by the misappropriation of Dave and Lori's Happy Tootling Nerd Music. BOO! On the plus side, I can ignore all the scenes involving this crappy task, which will save all sorts of time.
The Pinkies begin Crap Task. IB#1 drops off her first package. I'm praying she gets sent to the obscure hair salon, but no such luck. She's sent to the Shakespeare Hotel, where the maids no doubt yell "Out, out, damned spot!" every time they wash the sheets. IB#1 easily finds someone to lead her there. She and Nicolas drop off their second packages at about the same time. IB#1 gets back to the church first, so Nicolas has dropped from first to last place over the course of the Roadblock. Yeesh. Nicolas returns, and he and Donald take off before the IBs are done getting directions to the ethnographic museum. The Pinkies finish Crap Task, and proceed down the path to a church, where the next clue awaits. Rrrrrrrip! Detour! Phil explains that both of the Detour choices involve the Midsummer Festival currently being celebrated in the village. Locals rejoice all over the place. The Detour choice is Count Down or Step Up.
In Count Down, teams makes their way through the festivities to a marked section of picket fence. They then count every picket, and present the final number to a clue-wrangler. If they've arrived at the right number (717), they'll get their next clue. If they're wrong, it's back to the fence. What Phil doesn't mention are the mischievous costumed celebrants who will be actively trying to distract the counters. Heh. Good. In Step Up, the team members must hop up on wooden stilts, and walk along a marked path. If someone falls off the stilts at any point, they must go back to the start and try again. Once both team members make it, they'll get the next clue. The Pinkies head for Step Up. TK/Rachel and Ronald/Christina get started on Crap Task. The Pinkies reach the festival, and we all agree that it looks like grand fun. Kynt calls it his favorite moment of the race so far, and they certainly fit in better than anyplace they've been. Including Louisville. Despite the fact that the festival is so awesome, they soon discover that walking on stilts is no simple matter. TK/Rachel and Ronald/Christina finish Crap Task.
Villagers sing heartily as the Pinkies attempt to hobble along on their stilts. Kynt falls off shortly before the finish. Vyxsin falls soon after, and they head back to the start. The villagers just keep on singing. TK and Rachel reach the Detour, and choose Step Up. Ronald and Christina arrive, and choose the same thing. Jigga-what? If there's one task I wouldn't recommend for an elderly gentleman who's been steadily disintegrating before our very eyes, it's that one. Weirdos. Nathan and Jennifer speed through Crap Task. They would. Azaria and Hendekea get started on it. Nicolas/Donald and the IBs are still driving. TK and Rachel catch up to the Pinkies at the stilts. When Ronald and Christina arrive, Vyxsin suggests ditching for Count Down. Kynt agrees, and they jog to the fence. Ronald quickly falls off his stilts. "It's OK. Practice makes perfect," Christina says. "I don't want this hernia to pop out!" Ronald carps. Poor Ronald. If only there were something he could have done in place of this physically strenuous task. Something involving counting pickets, perhaps?
TK reaches the finish line. Rachel falls off her stilts. Kynt reads a section of the clue that tells them not to include fenceposts or gates in their final number. They begin counting. Nathan and Jennifer arrive, and choose Count Down. Jigga-what? So the old man with the hernia opted for the physical task, and these two, who have the patience of a toddler that just ate a hundred Pixy Stix, choose the concentration one? Morons. Azaria and Hendekea finish Crap Task. Nathan and Jennifer happily hoot and dance their way through the festival. They're all about getting into the spirit of the celebration. They reach the fence, and Jennifer asks Nathan to just stand back and let her tear through it. The Pinkies count pickets. Jennifer's hot on their heels. A group of children make a bunch of noise, and successfully throw the Pinkies' count off, so they backtrack to the beginning, even though they agreed as of picket #300. Set landmarks, people! Rachel, Christina, and Ronald hobble along. Azaria and Hendekea reach the Detour, and choose Step Up. Hendekea sounds notably less excited about it than Azaria.
Christina reaches the end of the stilt course, and kisses the clue-wrangler with relief. Ronald is still having trouble, and Rachel makes it to the end. That'll do it for her team, so she and TK get the clue that tells them to make their way on foot to the next pitstop, the Aukstaitja Windmill. Phil tells us that it was built in 1884, and is still functional. You go, Lithuanian agriculture! Last team to the windmill will have as much success as Don Quixote in getting any further. As TK and Rachel run for the mat, the Pinkies arrive at the correct number of pickets.
They get their clue, and easily spot the windmill. They don't have enough time to catch up, however, and TK and Rachel arrive at the mat as team number one. I like TK and Rachel, but this is some pretty clear evidence that a bunch of teams made some big mistakes today. The greeter is super-cool, as usual, and he gives them a jolly welcome. Phil tells them they've arrived first, and they scream in victory. They win an incredible ten-day trip to Japan, and will get to see the famous cherry blossoms, go to the top of Mount Fuji, see an imperial palace, go white-water rafting, and soak in some hot mineral springs. They're beside themselves with glee. Man, I would be too. Good prize. Jason and Lorena are watching this somewhere and spitting on their all-terrain bikes. TK interviews that they were alone for most of the day, and thought they were at the back of the pack, so they're extra relieved. The Pinkies soon reach the mat as team two.
Jennifer counts pickets. "86, 87, 88, 89, 100". Whoops! Azaria and Hendekea aren't having much luck at the stilts, and decide to switch tasks. Nathan and Jennifer are distracted by the nearby villagers, and tell them to shut up. Not so in the spirit of the festival now, are they? Fuckers. A few steps from the end of the stilt course, Ronald takes a nasty spill.
Non-commercials.
Ronald is in some pain, and Christina offers encouragement. Ronald goes back to start again. I have to say, it's pretty impressive that the ailing old man isn't giving up, when a couple of perfectly healthy teams couldn't hack it. Jennifer has reached a final picket count of 727, so if she hadn't skipped those numbers before, she'd have been correct. The clue-wrangler turns her down, and she sneers "Whaaat?", as if he's lying or something. Back to the fence, Tantrum Queen. Nathan says he'll also count this time, and Jennifer tells him to do it silently. Azaria and Hendekea agree to count separately. Ronald steadily makes his way down the stilt course. Barefoot, no less. He's wobbly, but makes it to the end, to applause from the crowd. Christina congratulates him, and they head for the windmill.
The IBs are asking for directions to the village. Nicolas and Donald have found their way there already, and easily complete the Crap Task. They're not far ahead of the IBs, though, and Nicolas tells Donald that they're going to have to pick up the pace. The IBs finish the Crap Task. Azaria/Hendekea and Nathan/Jennifer attempt to count pickets without letting the costumed locals distract them. Three guesses as to which of the teams handles it better. Yes, Nathan and Jennifer are not only distracted, but seem unable to grasp the idea that they might be better at counting the pickets separately if they weren't standing three inches apart. Azaria and Hendekea arrive at the correct number, get the clue, and head for the windmill. Ronald and Christina arrive at the mat as team three, which is amazing when you consider their late flight and slow Detour progress. Christina is extremely proud of the way Ronald ran the leg, and in the way he's been steadily treating her better. Jennifer actually stops Nathan from counting because his voice is annoying her, even though he had a good rhythm going. I'm ready for these two to be eliminated any time you are, Karma. You've been doing so well at weeding out the irritating teams. Why stop now?
Nicolas and Donald reach the Detour. Donald has a scrap of self-awareness, so they choose Count Down. Nathan and Jennifer arrive at the incorrect number again. The IBs reach the Detour, and choose Count Down. Jennifer manages to interrupt Nathan's counting again. He heads back to the first picket in aggravation, calling her a bitch on the way. I guess I should officially be against someone calling one's girlfriend nasty names to her face, but if the shoe fits... Once he reaches the beginning of the fence he asks why she would tell him to be quiet, then ask him a question in the middle of his count. And, point. He refuses to count pickets again, and says they're going to do the stilts. They bicker on their way over. She can't understand why he's being so mean to her. Nathan could probably tell her the reasons, if it weren't already obvious that he can't count that high. Azaria and Hendekea check in as team four. They're subdued, but pleased. Nicolas and Donald reach the Detour site, to Nathan and Jennifer's frustration. Jennifer wails as she topples from her stilts.
Nicolas and Donald begin counting. Nathan finishes the stilt course. The IBs arrive, and begin counting pickets in a frenzied panic. That'll go well for them. Jennifer finishes the stilt course, and the Bickersons (there we go) head for the windmill. Nicolas realizes he's been counting fenceposts and gates. The Bickersons reach the mat as team five. They're surprised that they're not eliminated, though I don't know why. They saw Nicolas and Donald behind them. The IBs have no counting system down, while Nicolas reaches a final number, and goes back to subtract the ones he knows are extra. The IBs enter their final stage of meltdown, and IB#1 crabs to IB#2 (as she's trying to count, of course) that she's on a team of her own. Nicolas methodically works out his answer. IB#1 passive-aggressively tells IB#2 that she can count the pickets, but if she's wrong, it's all her fault. Naturally. Nicolas' method pays off, and he has the correct answer. To the windmill! The IBs arrive at the incorrect number. Nicolas and Donald check in as team number six. Close one.
The sun sets. The IBs arrive at the correct number, and run for the windmill holding hands, because they've acted like such good friends lately. They are last, and they are eliminated. Sweet. IB#2 says that it breaks her heart, because it meant so much to her to do well in the competition. It meant so much that she bitched about IB#1 making the correct strategic choice last week, to the point that they completely fell apart. Let's put her on a Wheaties box. IB#1 is proud of herself for being able to put aside pedicures for a while to marvel at the fact that some people don't have as much money as she does. How noble.
Next week on The Amazing Race: Azaria and Hendekea fight. The Bickersons...bicker. Nice to see that Hell hasn't frozen over yet.
Overall Grade: B+
Previously on The Amazing Race: Burkina Faso was so wonderful, it could not be contained in one episode. The Pinkies charmed their way from village to village. Nathan and Jennifer couldn't match Azaria and Hendekea in speed, task ability, or communication with the locals, but it was soooooooo rude that the siblings reached the mat first. What gall they have. IB#1 made the completely reasonable, and perhaps even necessary decision to U-Turn Jason and Lorena, which caused some tension between her and IB#2, who has the strategic capability of a grapefruit. Phil may have left that last clause off. Jason and Lorena ended the race not with a bang, but a whimper, as they started in last and had no opportunity to catch up. Seven teams remain. Who will be eliminated next?
Opening credits. Nathan lobs an easy one to Jennifer. Good thing. I'm sure beating her in volleyball would be completely unfair.
Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso. Phil walks around in front of the Hotel De Ville, strolling past a statue that is asking for a Ricola. After his Opening Blather, Azaria and Hendekea are free to leave the mat at 6:45 AM. Rrrrrrrip! The clue tells them to travel more than 3,000 miles to Vilnius, Lithuania. Once there, they'll choose a marked car and drive to St. Anne's Church, where the next cluebox awaits. The church is extremely pretty. Azaria and Hendekea are snippy right off the mat. He barks at her for stepping into the street to hail a cab, and she barks at him because they kind of...need a cab. Nathan and Jennifer leave the mat at 6:46 AM. Jennifer pledges to use the "ball of fire" within them to "rage through" the leg and come in first. Jennifer is all about competition! As long as her competitors graciously step aside for her. The two lead teams grab taxis, and Azaria reads a part of the clue that says that all tickets must be purchased at an official airline ticketing office.
The airport ticket counter is closed, so Hendekea suggests going to find an internet connection somewhere. Jennifer cautions her that they can't buy tickets that way, but Hendekea was more in the mind of just researching what flights are available. The four of them find an information counter, and are told by a lady wearing an "Are You Ready?" T-shirt that there is another ticketing office in Ouagadougou itself, which she thinks opens at 9 AM. The teams decide to stick it out, and Jennifer hops online to check for Air France tickets. Meanwhile, Ronald and Christina are leaving the mat at 7:17 AM. They're still working on their communication. Christina tells us she's been consciously and repeatedly telling her dad that she loves him, which she knows makes him a little uncomfortable. He responds by rhapsodizing about Lithuanian pastries. Ah, the awkward parent-child bond. Nicolas and Donald leave the mat at 7:18 AM. They interview something patchy about how Donald may have issues with his memory. I don't know, it wasn't very clear. In any event, they have trouble spotting an available taxi.
The Pinkies are off at 7:22 AM. They hustle out of the pitstop, and spot an available cab before Nicolas and Donald are able to walk over to it. Kynt can't wait to get someplace with "spooky architecture". He should hang out in North St. Louis. From out of the cab window, we can see that it's raining. Again. It's like the same storm is following the teams around from country to country. Hey, maybe it's racing, too! Kynt baffles me by saying that he doesn't try to control Vyxsin, but he does try to guide her. Huh? She's pretty clearly worn the pants on this team from the very beginning. How odd. Nicolas and Donald find a cab. Ronald/Christina and the Pinkies catch up to the teams at the information booth. Nicolas and Donald find an internet cafe (or as Donald puts it, an "internet buffet") in town. Yum, all-you-can-eat Pentium chips. Hendekea calls Air France and learns of a flight connecting through Paris that leaves at 10:45 PM. Yikes, that's awfully late.
The IBs leave the mat at 7:44 AM. IB#2 tells the cab driver to take them to the Burkina Faso airport. Sure, why not? Don't you ask for the America airport? IB#1 points out that maybe it'd be a good idea to specify Ouagadougou, and IB#2 snits in interview that if the IBs hope to win this race, they're going to have to be a unified team. Well, maybe IB#1 would be more willing to listen to you if you weren't so damn stupid. IB#2 also still feels guilty about U-Turning Jason and Lorena, because she doesn't like to "hurt" people. Man, I'd love to play Monopoly with IB#2 sometime. I could explain how much it hurts my feelings when she expects the rent.
LabRat: "I'm surprised she even remembers the U-Turn."
TK and Rachel are last to depart, at 7:59 AM. Coming in second-to-last was very humbling, and they say they need to change their game to accommodate how fierce the competition is getting. Just tell IB#2 how horrible she is for being in front of you! She'll fold like a card table. Kynt informs the IBs of the 10:45 flight. Ronald is tired of sticking around, so he and Christina leave to go to the Air France ticket office in town, to see if they're open. Jennifer's bitchface does not approve, and she scoffs "let them go". TK and Rachel find the other teams, but the information booth is so crammed with racers by this point, they decide to stroll off and see if they can get some information elsewhere. Ronald and Christina have found that the Air France office is open. Ha! I love that the editors wedge in as much "Suck it, Jennifer!" footage as possible. Christina asks the ticket agent if she speaks English. Not much, as it turns out. I'm not sure why Christina doesn't ask any of the other people standing around, but she sticks with this lady, who we'll just call Eris for reasons that will become clear.
Christina asks for the quickest way to Vilnius in English, but manages "More quickly. More quickly." in French. Eris checks the computer, and finds a series of flights that go from Ouagadougou to Paris, then Prague, then Vilnius. It will get them into Vilnius at 9:30 PM, which Ronald is understandably not thrilled about. Christina thinks they should just go to Paris and fish around for better flights there. I've heard of worse ideas, but Ronald hasn't. He points out that it's not like they're running for a plane right now, so they have ample time to figure out what they're doing. Christina is only asking about Air France, so Ronald tells her to ask about other airlines. He's overly pushy about it, as usual, but at least this time he's got a point. Nicolas and Donald are on a computer, and find a flight that will get them into Vilnius at 1:25 PM. Much better. Eris has found a better route for Ronald and Christina, but if this show has taught us nothing else, it has taught us that ticket agents are always wrong. The flight she has found gets them into Vilnius at 2:10 PM.
Hendekea finds out about the 1:25 PM flight. She and Azaria head for the ticket office, with Nathan/Jennifer and the IBs on their heels. The Pinkies decide to stay at the airport. Nicolas and Donald arrive at the ticket office as Ronald and Christina are leaving. Hilariously, both teams get very hush-hush, because neither one wants to tip off the other about their flight information. Christina even voices-over that she wants to keep the information about her terrific flight under wraps. The flight that arrives forty-five minutes after the other one. Hehe. Nicolas asks Eris about the 1:25 PM flight. Azaria/Hendekea and Nathan/Jennifer arrive at the ticket office. Nicolas gets jumpy and tries to tell Eris not to book the other teams on the flight. Much as I've been fuming about the teams being pissy for not having their hands held, I must point out that doing that was a pretty stank move to pull. I'd be grumpier about it if it had any prayer of succeeding, which, of course it doesn't, because:
1) Eris can barely string five words together in English. I don't think a hurriedly-whispered devious plot is going to be interpreted correctly.
2) As in all cases (but the Japanese Liar, damn him), it's one thing to try and obscure information from other teams, but quite another to try and talk service personnel into ignoring their jobs to help you screw over your race competition.
3) As Hendekea points out, they're standing right there, and can hear every word Nicolas is saying.
Yeah, I wouldn't sign Nicolas up for spy duty anytime soon. Maybe we should call him Not-a Hari. The IBs arrive. Azaria and Hendekea step up to another agent, but pause to ask Nicolas and Donald what flight they're on. Nicolas doesn't want to give up the information. Azaria is obviously perturbed by this, but doesn't want to let on that he cares (especially since Jennifer is standing there, and if Azaria complains that another team isn't doing enough for him, he'll undoubtedly be struck by lightning). The agent that Azaria and Hendekea talk to has a better grasp of English than Eris, so they have no problem getting the 1:25 PM flight, which connects through Amsterdam. Then Eris tells Nicolas and Donald that there's no room on the same flight, which they specifically requested before Azaria and Hendekea even came into the building. Ouch. The only other flight Eris mentions goes through Prague, and gets into Vilnius at 5:35 PM. They don't have any other options for the time being, so they go ahead and book tickets, then head for the airport. Azaria happily tells Nathan that Nicolas and Donald got struck with "bad karma". On first viewing, I thought he was saying this because Nicolas wouldn't tell him what flight they were on, which pissed me off, but he's probably referring to the whole "don't-sell-this-flight-to-them" thing, and in that case, I have to agree. Donald tells Nicolas he did the best he could and "C'est la vie. That's French, in case you didn't know." Hahaha!
Nathan/Jennifer and the IBs talk to their agents. TK and Rachel have apparently wandered around for long enough, and arrive at the ticket office. Nathan and Jennifer get tickets on the flight that gets into Vilnius at 1:25 PM. Which they buy from Eris. Who just told Nicolas and Donald that there was no more room on it. What is this woman smoking? Did she just screw over Nicolas and Donald on purpose? Could she just not understand what they wanted? Is she dumb as a post? Tragically, these are questions that will go unanswered. TK and Rachel ask for the same tickets, but Eris tells them the flight is full, even though the other agent is currently selling said tickets to the IBs. Seriously, what the hell? Maybe Nathan/Jennifer and the IBs reserved tickets from the internet office, so there really were no seats left for Nicolas and Donald. That's just an idea, though. Nicolas and Donald find a different Air France office at the airport, and thankfully, someone who understands what they want. TK and Rachel buy tickets from Eris that connect through Frankfurt, and get them into Vilnius at 1:35 PM. Where was this flight when Eris told Nicolas and Donald the best she could do was 5:35 PM?!? Arrrrgh! Nathan and Jennifer are at the airport's Air France office (I guess to pick up their boarding passes or something), and Nicolas finds out they were able to get the 1:25 PM arrival after he was expressly told it was full. This does not fill him with joy. The Pinkies get the 1:35 PM flight. Nicolas and Donald find out about this flight soon after, and change their tickets. So after all that kerfluffle, they've lost ten minutes. Not bad.
IB#1 tells IB#2 that they need to get seats towards the front of the plane. I really don't know how much time that'll save once you arrive in a new country and have to go through customs, but at least she's trying to think strategically. Which is fine, but then she crosses the line by trying to lay claim to the entire office, telling Hendekea that they'd like to be alone. Man, Hendekea gets griped at a lot. She and Azaria actually do clear out (along with Nathan and Jennifer, muttering about people's "true colors").
After IB#1 gives us the titular quote, IB#2 takes the opportunity to reiterate her gripe that they're pissing everyone off, and are going to be on the business end of a U-Turn if everyone hates them. IB#1 points out that if they hadn't U-Turned Jason and Lorena, they may have been eliminated last week. It's still as true now as it was then. IB#2 has more of a point in this case, because it's probably not wise to raise the other teams' hackles over something as inconsequential as seat placement. Even so, I feel like nobody would U-Turn the IBs because they have the tendency to be bitchy. At least, I hope not. Using penalties out of spite is dumb and useless. TK is sagely telling Nathan and Jennifer that "people" (i.e., IB#2) are upset over the U-Turn, and teams that stress out tend to fall apart and get eliminated. IB#1 tells IB#2 that if she wants her to leave IB#2 alone for a while, that's fine, because IB#2 is clearly just going to be annoyed with whatever IB#1 says. Agreeing with IB#1 so much makes me feel dirty. It's really something that she possibly helped save IB#2 from elimination last week, and the way IB#2 repays her is by carping at her. They bicker about who's the more methodical thinker. IB#2 sits around looking consternated. Actually, she looks like she doesn't have a thought in her head.
Commercials. If you believe the advertising world, most of the gifts given this holiday season will involve jewelry. Sorry, people on my list. Diamond necklaces aren't in the cards.
We pick up with the IBs still being pissed at each other (though IB#1 calls it being "feisty" -- ick). That evening, Ronald and Christina are talking to Nathan and Jennifer, and learn that their wonderful 2:10 PM arrival time isn't so wonderful, after all. They decide that the 1:25 PM flight has too close of a connection time, so they're not going to even attempt to improve their tickets. I guess I can understand not wanting to cut a connection too closely, but to not even research what's available when you know for a fact that your tickets aren't the best you can do? That sounds like a mistake to me. They thank Nathan and Jennifer for the information, and leave to board their flight to Paris. Oh, maybe that's why they didn't try to get better tickets. If they did, they may have missed the option of catching the flight they already have. That's more understandable. All the teams eventually take off for Paris, and then their connections. Phil recaps the results of all this airline shuffling. To wit: The connection through Amsterdam (getting into Vilnius at 1:25 PM) carries Azaria/Hendekea, Nathan/Jennifer, and the IBs. The connection through Frankfurt (getting into Vilnius at 1:35 PM) carries the Pinkies, TK/Rachel, and Nicolas/Donald. The connection through Prague (getting into Vilnius at 2:10 PM) carries Ronald and Christina. Thanks, Phil.
Vilnius, Lithuania. A statue would like us to know that a field goal is good. Wait, that sounds familiar. Oh, great. I'm starting to repeat myself. The first flight arrives on schedule at 1:25 PM, and the three lead teams dash out of the airport to find the marked cars. Nathan and Jennifer find theirs first, and once they're on the way, Jennifer consults a map and tells Nathan to take a left. A gong noise lets the audience in on the fact that this may not have been exemplary navigation. The second flight arrives at 1:35 PM. The Pinkies run to an information booth to get directions to St. Anne's, which Kynt asks for in a very pronounced British accent for some reason. Nicolas and Donald spot the marked cars almost immediately, which means that they've already passed a couple of the teams on the earlier flight. TK and Rachel find theirs next, and happily note that the IBs are still running around the parking lot. Eventually, everyone finds their cars.
Nathan and Jennifer have gotten lost. As in all of their other setbacks so far, Nathan becomes immediately flustered. I'd call them Team Immediately Flustered if it didn't take so long to type. The wrong turn that they initially took also claims TK/Rachel and the IBs. At 2:10 PM, Ronald and Christina arrive in Vilnius. They know they're in last place, so Christina makes the smart decision to hire a taxi to lead them to St. Anne's. Ronald compliments her quick thinking. Aw. Nathan and Jennifer continue to drive around in circles, so even after all that hassle of buying tickets, Nicolas and Donald reach the church in first place. Whee! They spot the cluebox and get their next clue. Rrrrrrrip! Roadblock! "Who's a good listener?" Phil explains that in this Roadblock, the chosen team member has to be a Lithuanian messenger. They will choose one of four designated old women working nearby, who will hand them a package, which includes a slip of paper with a person's name. She will direct them to another location where the person can be found (all of these people will be in the same place), and the Roadblocker will exchange the package for another. Then, they'll deliver the second package to another specific person and location (which are not all the same place), where they'll receive the next clue.
Nicolas takes on the Roadblock, and approaches one of the adorable old women. She tells him to find Veinius. There's a name you don't hear too often. Veinius, like all of the first package recipients, will be in the Vilnius University courtyard. Nicolas jots down the information, thanks the woman, gets the package, and darts off. Azaria and Hendekea are next to the church, but manage to bypass the cluebox, so the Pinkies get there just ahead of them. Kynt and Hendekea take the Roadblock. Nicolas finds Veinius, who directs him to find Olga at a hair salon. This is like a big game of "Where in Vilnius is Carmen Sandiego?". Kynt's old woman (the Lithuanian old woman, that is -- not Vyxsin) sends him to find Egle. Hendekea's sends her to find what sounds like "Tomas", though I doubt that's what it really was.
As Nathan and Jennifer pull up to a store for directions, Nathan admonishes Jennifer that they've got to run, no matter what. Smash cut to Jennifer taking off in a jog, while Nathan whines that she needs to wait for him. Hahahaha! The shop-keeper tells them that the church is a twenty-minute walk away. Nathan and Jennifer are flustered. TK and Rachel get some directions, while the IBs are apparently hoping to trip over the church at some point. IB#2 says she's going to turn the car around, and when she backs up, we see out of IB#1's window that a bus is bearing down on their car. It's a legitimately scary moment, although now I'm thinking that the blaring horn and screeching brakes sounds were added in later. IB#1 freaks out, and IB#2 snips at her to relax. "Oh, my God. A bus almost just killed me. I'm sorry; I should relax," IB#1 rightfully gripes.
Ronald and Christina's taxi idea has paid off, and they reach the Roadblock ahead of all three lost teams. Although they know Christina is more of a listener, and Ronald more of a talker, they assign the task to him. I guess that's because she milked the camel, vaulted the ditch, and strapped the goat to a bicycle. All he's done so far is pedal across the ravine. He thinks he's got his hernia under control, and gets his first package, which sends him to find "Milde".
Nicolas asks around the neighborhood, but nobody has any idea where the hair salon he's looking for is. Kynt and Hendekea deliver their first packages. Kynt is sent to the Gaby Cafe, and Hendekea will be in search of the same hair salon that is giving Nicolas so much trouble. Nathan and Jennifer are running for the church. Why they've abandoned their car is beyond me. They manage to fight as they run, with Nathan saying that he can't believe the person Jennifer has turned into over the course of the race, and that it's "the ugliest thing [he's] ever seen". She assures him the feeling is mutual. Kynt finds the cafe, and delivers his package. He actually takes the time to drop into the chair across from the clue-wrangler, and asks for the next clue as if casually mentioning it over a nice lunch they were having. Hehe. He goes back to Vyxsin to read the clue. Rrrrrrrip! It directs teams to drive themselves to Lietuvos Liaudies Buities Muziejus. Oh, there. Phil explains that it's an outdoor ethnographic museum in the town of Rumsiskes. Once they manage to find that mouthful, they will follow a marked path to Dzukija Village, where the next clue awaits.
The Pinkies get directions and take off. TK and Rachel find their way to the church, where TK takes the Roadblock. The IBs are still lost, and for once, IB#2 is the one with the point when she suggests stopping to ask someone for help. IB#1 says that'll slow them down. Sure, why would you need to know where you're going? IB#2 essentially says the same thing. Nathan and Jennifer finally find the church, where Jennifer takes the Roadblock. Business at the hair salon must be awful, because nobody has any idea where it is. Hendekea is having just as much trouble as Nicolas in locating it. TK finds a guy who appears to be stoned to lead him to the university courtyard. I guess he sensed a kindred spirit. Ronald gets directions. TK arrives at the courtyard, and finds the person he's looking for wandering around in the middle of a fountain. Maybe everyone in Vilnius is stoned. TK is sent to a restaurant to deliver his second package. His stoner buddy knows exactly where it is.
Jennifer gets directions. Ronald drops off his first package, and is sent to the restaurant. The IBs convince a neighboring car to lead them to the church. Ronald strolls by the Non-Roadblockers on his way to the restaurant, and Christina unhelpfully alerts him to the fact that other teams are on his tail. "Don't give me pressure! Silence, sil vous plait!" he yells, which I would have supported coming from anyone but him. He's still got a lot of penance to do for the Amsterdam leg. Christina shrugs it off, and Ronald runs into a nearby hotel for directions. Thanks to his stoner buddy, TK has completed the Roadblock, and vaulted to second place from fifth. He and Rachel get some quick directions, and take off for the museum. Ronald drops off his second package, and thanks the clue-wrangler with "Merci beaucoup." I guess his brain is still stuck in Burkina Faso mode. He quickly corrects himself by thanking the clue-wrangler in Lithuanian, which makes him sound like he's sneezing. Christina is thrilled to see him return so quickly, and they head for the museum. Jennifer drops off her first package, and is sent to the same cafe as Kynt. A nearby local agrees to lead her there. Nicolas and Hendekea search fruitlessly for the hair salon.
Jennifer finds the cafe and gets her next clue. Hendekea finally finds someone who knows where the hair salon is, and I have to say, if this lady patronizes it, I can see why it's so unpopular. Hendekea successfully begs her to lead the way. Jennifer returns to Nathan, who is "so proud" of her. They'll never fight again! They head back to their car. Hendekea drops off her package, and returns to Azaria. Donald is looking none too happy, especially when the IBs arrive. IB#2 volunteers to take the Roadblock, but IB#1 vetoes her by saying IB#2 "interprets things wrong". Ouch. IB#1 runs off. Nicolas walks right by the salon without realizing it. Donald begins to smell elimination.
Commercials. I'm actually writing this back half of the recap off a commercial-free tape. Oh, no! Now I have no idea what to buy!
Donald tells the cameraman that he's been waiting for Nicolas for a few hours (yikes!), and since the IBs have caught up, elimination is looking pretty certain. He manages to say all this in a very matter-of-fact tone, with no apparent anger or disappointment in Nicolas, which was very nice to see. IB#1 gets her first package, and heads for the university courtyard. Nicolas finds someone who can lead him to the hair salon. God, finally. That was getting painful. The Pinkies reach the ethnographic museum. Oh, crud. It's one of those horrible product-placement tasks. I understand that flying all these people around the world isn't cheap, but that's what commercials and sponsored pitstop prizes are for. I refuse to accept that sending people to Lithuania (to a cultural museum, no less), and forcing them to participate in an extended ad for an American business is a worthy task. This particular one is made even worse by the misappropriation of Dave and Lori's Happy Tootling Nerd Music. BOO! On the plus side, I can ignore all the scenes involving this crappy task, which will save all sorts of time.
The Pinkies begin Crap Task. IB#1 drops off her first package. I'm praying she gets sent to the obscure hair salon, but no such luck. She's sent to the Shakespeare Hotel, where the maids no doubt yell "Out, out, damned spot!" every time they wash the sheets. IB#1 easily finds someone to lead her there. She and Nicolas drop off their second packages at about the same time. IB#1 gets back to the church first, so Nicolas has dropped from first to last place over the course of the Roadblock. Yeesh. Nicolas returns, and he and Donald take off before the IBs are done getting directions to the ethnographic museum. The Pinkies finish Crap Task, and proceed down the path to a church, where the next clue awaits. Rrrrrrrip! Detour! Phil explains that both of the Detour choices involve the Midsummer Festival currently being celebrated in the village. Locals rejoice all over the place. The Detour choice is Count Down or Step Up.
In Count Down, teams makes their way through the festivities to a marked section of picket fence. They then count every picket, and present the final number to a clue-wrangler. If they've arrived at the right number (717), they'll get their next clue. If they're wrong, it's back to the fence. What Phil doesn't mention are the mischievous costumed celebrants who will be actively trying to distract the counters. Heh. Good. In Step Up, the team members must hop up on wooden stilts, and walk along a marked path. If someone falls off the stilts at any point, they must go back to the start and try again. Once both team members make it, they'll get the next clue. The Pinkies head for Step Up. TK/Rachel and Ronald/Christina get started on Crap Task. The Pinkies reach the festival, and we all agree that it looks like grand fun. Kynt calls it his favorite moment of the race so far, and they certainly fit in better than anyplace they've been. Including Louisville. Despite the fact that the festival is so awesome, they soon discover that walking on stilts is no simple matter. TK/Rachel and Ronald/Christina finish Crap Task.
Villagers sing heartily as the Pinkies attempt to hobble along on their stilts. Kynt falls off shortly before the finish. Vyxsin falls soon after, and they head back to the start. The villagers just keep on singing. TK and Rachel reach the Detour, and choose Step Up. Ronald and Christina arrive, and choose the same thing. Jigga-what? If there's one task I wouldn't recommend for an elderly gentleman who's been steadily disintegrating before our very eyes, it's that one. Weirdos. Nathan and Jennifer speed through Crap Task. They would. Azaria and Hendekea get started on it. Nicolas/Donald and the IBs are still driving. TK and Rachel catch up to the Pinkies at the stilts. When Ronald and Christina arrive, Vyxsin suggests ditching for Count Down. Kynt agrees, and they jog to the fence. Ronald quickly falls off his stilts. "It's OK. Practice makes perfect," Christina says. "I don't want this hernia to pop out!" Ronald carps. Poor Ronald. If only there were something he could have done in place of this physically strenuous task. Something involving counting pickets, perhaps?
TK reaches the finish line. Rachel falls off her stilts. Kynt reads a section of the clue that tells them not to include fenceposts or gates in their final number. They begin counting. Nathan and Jennifer arrive, and choose Count Down. Jigga-what? So the old man with the hernia opted for the physical task, and these two, who have the patience of a toddler that just ate a hundred Pixy Stix, choose the concentration one? Morons. Azaria and Hendekea finish Crap Task. Nathan and Jennifer happily hoot and dance their way through the festival. They're all about getting into the spirit of the celebration. They reach the fence, and Jennifer asks Nathan to just stand back and let her tear through it. The Pinkies count pickets. Jennifer's hot on their heels. A group of children make a bunch of noise, and successfully throw the Pinkies' count off, so they backtrack to the beginning, even though they agreed as of picket #300. Set landmarks, people! Rachel, Christina, and Ronald hobble along. Azaria and Hendekea reach the Detour, and choose Step Up. Hendekea sounds notably less excited about it than Azaria.
Christina reaches the end of the stilt course, and kisses the clue-wrangler with relief. Ronald is still having trouble, and Rachel makes it to the end. That'll do it for her team, so she and TK get the clue that tells them to make their way on foot to the next pitstop, the Aukstaitja Windmill. Phil tells us that it was built in 1884, and is still functional. You go, Lithuanian agriculture! Last team to the windmill will have as much success as Don Quixote in getting any further. As TK and Rachel run for the mat, the Pinkies arrive at the correct number of pickets.
They get their clue, and easily spot the windmill. They don't have enough time to catch up, however, and TK and Rachel arrive at the mat as team number one. I like TK and Rachel, but this is some pretty clear evidence that a bunch of teams made some big mistakes today. The greeter is super-cool, as usual, and he gives them a jolly welcome. Phil tells them they've arrived first, and they scream in victory. They win an incredible ten-day trip to Japan, and will get to see the famous cherry blossoms, go to the top of Mount Fuji, see an imperial palace, go white-water rafting, and soak in some hot mineral springs. They're beside themselves with glee. Man, I would be too. Good prize. Jason and Lorena are watching this somewhere and spitting on their all-terrain bikes. TK interviews that they were alone for most of the day, and thought they were at the back of the pack, so they're extra relieved. The Pinkies soon reach the mat as team two.
Jennifer counts pickets. "86, 87, 88, 89, 100". Whoops! Azaria and Hendekea aren't having much luck at the stilts, and decide to switch tasks. Nathan and Jennifer are distracted by the nearby villagers, and tell them to shut up. Not so in the spirit of the festival now, are they? Fuckers. A few steps from the end of the stilt course, Ronald takes a nasty spill.
Non-commercials.
Ronald is in some pain, and Christina offers encouragement. Ronald goes back to start again. I have to say, it's pretty impressive that the ailing old man isn't giving up, when a couple of perfectly healthy teams couldn't hack it. Jennifer has reached a final picket count of 727, so if she hadn't skipped those numbers before, she'd have been correct. The clue-wrangler turns her down, and she sneers "Whaaat?", as if he's lying or something. Back to the fence, Tantrum Queen. Nathan says he'll also count this time, and Jennifer tells him to do it silently. Azaria and Hendekea agree to count separately. Ronald steadily makes his way down the stilt course. Barefoot, no less. He's wobbly, but makes it to the end, to applause from the crowd. Christina congratulates him, and they head for the windmill.
The IBs are asking for directions to the village. Nicolas and Donald have found their way there already, and easily complete the Crap Task. They're not far ahead of the IBs, though, and Nicolas tells Donald that they're going to have to pick up the pace. The IBs finish the Crap Task. Azaria/Hendekea and Nathan/Jennifer attempt to count pickets without letting the costumed locals distract them. Three guesses as to which of the teams handles it better. Yes, Nathan and Jennifer are not only distracted, but seem unable to grasp the idea that they might be better at counting the pickets separately if they weren't standing three inches apart. Azaria and Hendekea arrive at the correct number, get the clue, and head for the windmill. Ronald and Christina arrive at the mat as team three, which is amazing when you consider their late flight and slow Detour progress. Christina is extremely proud of the way Ronald ran the leg, and in the way he's been steadily treating her better. Jennifer actually stops Nathan from counting because his voice is annoying her, even though he had a good rhythm going. I'm ready for these two to be eliminated any time you are, Karma. You've been doing so well at weeding out the irritating teams. Why stop now?
Nicolas and Donald reach the Detour. Donald has a scrap of self-awareness, so they choose Count Down. Nathan and Jennifer arrive at the incorrect number again. The IBs reach the Detour, and choose Count Down. Jennifer manages to interrupt Nathan's counting again. He heads back to the first picket in aggravation, calling her a bitch on the way. I guess I should officially be against someone calling one's girlfriend nasty names to her face, but if the shoe fits... Once he reaches the beginning of the fence he asks why she would tell him to be quiet, then ask him a question in the middle of his count. And, point. He refuses to count pickets again, and says they're going to do the stilts. They bicker on their way over. She can't understand why he's being so mean to her. Nathan could probably tell her the reasons, if it weren't already obvious that he can't count that high. Azaria and Hendekea check in as team four. They're subdued, but pleased. Nicolas and Donald reach the Detour site, to Nathan and Jennifer's frustration. Jennifer wails as she topples from her stilts.
Nicolas and Donald begin counting. Nathan finishes the stilt course. The IBs arrive, and begin counting pickets in a frenzied panic. That'll go well for them. Jennifer finishes the stilt course, and the Bickersons (there we go) head for the windmill. Nicolas realizes he's been counting fenceposts and gates. The Bickersons reach the mat as team five. They're surprised that they're not eliminated, though I don't know why. They saw Nicolas and Donald behind them. The IBs have no counting system down, while Nicolas reaches a final number, and goes back to subtract the ones he knows are extra. The IBs enter their final stage of meltdown, and IB#1 crabs to IB#2 (as she's trying to count, of course) that she's on a team of her own. Nicolas methodically works out his answer. IB#1 passive-aggressively tells IB#2 that she can count the pickets, but if she's wrong, it's all her fault. Naturally. Nicolas' method pays off, and he has the correct answer. To the windmill! The IBs arrive at the incorrect number. Nicolas and Donald check in as team number six. Close one.
The sun sets. The IBs arrive at the correct number, and run for the windmill holding hands, because they've acted like such good friends lately. They are last, and they are eliminated. Sweet. IB#2 says that it breaks her heart, because it meant so much to her to do well in the competition. It meant so much that she bitched about IB#1 making the correct strategic choice last week, to the point that they completely fell apart. Let's put her on a Wheaties box. IB#1 is proud of herself for being able to put aside pedicures for a while to marvel at the fact that some people don't have as much money as she does. How noble.
Next week on The Amazing Race: Azaria and Hendekea fight. The Bickersons...bicker. Nice to see that Hell hasn't frozen over yet.
Overall Grade: B+
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Let's Name Our Chicken Phil
The Amazing Race - Season 12, Episode 4
Previously on The Amazing Race: Ronald got a hernia, which is bad news for his comfort and racing ability, but good news in that he became less likely to rail at his daughter. The teams traveled to Burkina Faso, where they were schooled by camels before being schooled in an actual school. Azaria and Hendekea approached each task calmly and thoughtfully, and surged into the lead. Funny how that works. Lorena and Jason (Lorena, anyway) approached each task loudly and hysterically, and sank to last place. Funny how that works. Julia very helpfully gave Lorena the advice she needed to pass the sisters, leading to their sad, but very deserved elimination. Eight teams remain. Who will be eliminated next?
Opening credits. Jason and Lorena skip happily through the forest. The scene where she encounters a ladybug and breaks down into wrenching sobs must have been edited out.
There was a town in Burkina Faso, and Bingo was its name-o. The local kids play and dance, as Phil explains that Burkina Faso is coming into its own, as far as hosting international festivals of art, music, and filmmaking. Wow, really? That's pretty cool. I accidentally listen to Phil's Opening Blather, which is just as suspense-killing as I remember. Crud. Azaria and Hendekea's arrival time isn't mentioned, so this may be one of those weird pitstops that's not twelve hours long. In any event, they get their first clue at 7:58 AM. Rrrrrrrip! It tells them to follow a marked path to another small village, where they will need to find the tribal chief. He has a difficult name they don't bother to subtitle, so Tribal Chief it is. Phil explains to us that the chief will hand over the next clue, along with a "customary gift of generosity". That's meant to be very mysterious, and perhaps would have been, if they hadn't inserted a crowing rooster sound. Really, show. Suspense. It's a good thing.
Teams aren't getting any money for this leg of the race. Whee! Azaria says that Hendekea has physical limitations. "Physical limitations, like I'm a [blurred word]," she replies. Ooh, I wonder what went there. Something that relates to "a gimp leg". My guess? Retard. They easily find Tribal Chief, and he directs them to select a nearby chicken and stuff it into a mesh bag. Hendekea picks a docile one, and it goes into the bag with no trouble. Tribal Chief hands over the next clue. Rrrrrrrip! Teams must now travel a hundred miles by taxi to the town of Bouda Pelegtanga, where the next clue awaits. Also, teams must keep their chicken with them at all times to successfully complete the leg. Oh, it's like that school project where they make you babysit a sack of flour for a week. Only this bag of flour is a lot more noisy, and prone to pooping. Unless there's a thriving industry in transporting people three hundred feet across Bingo that I don't know about, it looks like taxis have been provided. Azaria and Henkedea hop into one, and Azaria asks Hendekea what he can do to make her move faster. She snaps that she's going as fast as she can. Yeah, it's not like she's slacking. You'd think an engineer would know something about why the taller teammate moves faster.
TK and Rachel leave the mat at 8:12 AM. TK says that if they put too much pressure on themselves, they'll start screwing up, so they're going to keep on being as calm as possible. Nathan and Jennifer leave the mat at 8:13 AM. Jennifer notes that since they've placed in the top three in the past couple of legs, getting first place is not beyond their reach. Certainly not if other teams politely step aside and give Queen Jennifer her due. Uh, spoiler. In other distressing news, Nathan is wearing black socks with shorts. Kynt and Vyxsin leave the mat at 8:14 AM. Kynt says that they're both very sincere, genuine people, despite what you might think when faced with their Goth exterior. Given that they act about as Gothic as a Girl Scout bake sale, I think the denizens of the world can manage. Ronald and Christina are off at 8:15 AM. They're happy with the way both their relationship and their race placement are improving. Nicolas and Donald leave at 8:16 AM. Nicolas says that Donald's life experience is a "great pool to draw from". Unfortunately, that pool has one of those "NO RUNNING" signs spray-painted on the edge, and Donald can't keep up with the jogging pace that Nicolas has set.
Wacky music plays as this knot of teams goes to grab their chickens. TK and Rachel have no problem, but Nathan and Jennifer's flaps its way out of the bag. A nearby little boy giggles in delight. Hehe. They work it out, and both teams grab taxis. TK encourages Rachel to give his chicken a smooch. No, not like that, perv. Azaria and Hendekea are still enjoying the beauty of Africa. They've traveled to Ethiopia before, and Hendekea says the people in Africa are "always so happy and friendly and warm". Let's not go nuts. It's insulting to act all "Ewww! Poor people!" like the IBs last week, but I'm not sure it's much less insulting to treat the entire continent like the It's A Small World ride. Vyxsin, Ronald, and Donald grab chickens, then cabs. Ronald lets his "good chicken" partway out of the bag, and it rewards him by pecking him in the hand. Meanwhile, the IBs are leaving the mat at 8:38 AM. IB#1 says that they're equal partners in the team, and that they'll both speak their minds. As will the chicken they try to stuff into the bag. He makes a narrow escape, but they manage to trap another one. In the cab, IB#1 gives us the titular quote, as their rooster's comb is very reminiscent of Phil's spiky, wet hair last week. There's a hilarious flashback for the forgetful.
Azaria and Hendekea pull up at Bouda Pelegtanga, and Hendekea darts off to take a quick pee break. This somehow pisses Azaria off (so to speak), because I guess Hendekea should have trained herself not to expel any liquid before coming on the race. Damn her and her functioning kidneys! Since she's off squeezing the Charmin, Nathan/Jennifer and TK/Rachel get to the cluebox first. Rrrrrrrip! Detour! Shake Your Pan or Shake Your Booty. In Shake Your Pan, teams head over to a gold mining pit and use "local methods" to pan for a minimum of one ounce of gold. I'm glad we're traveling to exotic locations and such, but their "local method" is exactly the same as ours. Is there more than one way to pan for gold? It'd be like using the "local method" to tie your shoe. Once the team has enough gold, they can turn it in for the next clue. Phil says that although the task is physically demanding, the outcome is measured objectively. An ounce is an ounce.
In Shake Your Booty, teams "learn" a traditional local dance, then perform it for a panel of "local celebrities" and a large crowd of onlookers. Why, yes. This is a shameless ploy to remind people of American Idol. Nice catch. The dance must also incorporate some creative dance moves, so basically, the team can just get out there and do whatever they want. If the judges are impressed, the team gets a clue. If they're not, the team has to sit and wait for ten minutes before getting a clue. The people demonstrating the dance are dressed up in body-encompassing costumes, and it's a shame they don't force the contestants to wear them. Phil warns that the outcome of this task is subjective. Eh, this is kind of weak. Panning for gold will take a while no matter what, and there's nothing stopping a team from simply choosing Shake Your Booty, intentionally sucking, and taking a ten-minute breather. They may not even lose any time on the other teams, and have accomplished nothing in the meantime. Bleh.
Anyhow, Nathan and Jennifer know a lot about making themselves look foolish in front of a large audience, so they pick Shake Your Booty, as do TK and Rachel. Azaria and Hendekea get the Detour clue and choose the same thing. Remember Lorena and Jason? They're just now leaving the mat at 10:07 AM. Lorena says that yesterday was tough, but she's hoping to keep her cool and work her way back up to the front of the pack. Hope springs eternal. THEY PLEDGE NOT TO GIVE UP. Sorry, I don't mean to yell at you, but they will repeat this sentiment approximately four hundred trillion times over the next forty minutes, so we must be sure you understand that THEY WON'T GIVE UP. Nicolas and Donald's taxi passes Kynt and Vyxsin, who Nicolas refers to as "The Pinkies". Heh. That's way more apt than "The Goths". Jason snags a chicken. He and Lorena hop in their taxi, and now there's nothing to do but hope a team ahead of them screws up, somehow. It's certainly been known to happen. Ronald and Christina pass the Pinkies. The curse of the slow cab driver! You never know when it will strike.
Nathan and Jennifer learn their dance moves. It's a lot of stomping and thrusting poles into the ground. Jennifer's danced for the LA Clippers, and she tries to coach Nathan along. They walk out into the Circle of Judgement. They stomp. They thrust their poles. The music would have us know that a nearby costumed dancer is unimpressed. More stomping. A local laughs heartily at how dumb they look. Azaria and Hendekea practice on the sidelines. Nathan and Jennifer finish their dance, and just in case you thought they didn't do too badly, the editors help you out by inserting cricket noises. One of the judges tells them they had no creativity, which is true. They sure stomped a lot, but I didn't see them add anything extra. Jennifer is disappointed, because a ten-minute penalty could "cost [them] first place". Let's stick a little bookmark in this moment. Nicolas and Donald reach the Detour, and choose Shake Your Pan. After the sweet dance moves Donald broke out last week? Christina tells us that Ronald is a really wild dancer, so they head for Shake Your Booty. On the walk over, Christina advises him to smile the whole time. Rub some Vaseline on your teeth! Make a rambling speech about U.S. Americans!
After ten seconds of instruction, TK and Rachel have decided the dance is too difficult, and they ditch to go mine for gold. Ooh, big mistake. Performance tasks on this show rarely have to be any good. They just would have had to go out there, be enthusiastic, and throw in a couple of original moves. They'd have been passed in a heartbeat. TK and Rachel wander off in no particular direction, as is their wont. Nicolas and Donald reach the mining pits. Azaria and Hendekea dance, and although it doesn't look appreciably different from Nathan and Jennifer's, they're passed. They thank the judges and get their clue, and Jennifer's perma-bitchface deepens. Nathan complains that they're not in first place anymore. You mean the first place you were in for five minutes because Hendekea had to pee? Yeah, I wouldn't be too proud of that.
Azaria and Hendekea open their clue. Rrrrrrrip! They must now make their way on foot to the Pelegtanga Market to find the next cluebox. Oh, and "Caution: U-Turn ahead". Oh, a new race twist? What will it be? Something cool, like the Intersection, or something irritating, like the Yield? Let's find out! Phil explains that there are only two U-Turns on the race, and a team may only use it once. A U-Turn forces a team behind you to go back and complete the Detour option that they haven't already done. Ooh, twisted! I'm not a huge fan of race aspects that allow someone to screw over another team (I'm a reward merit and punish incompetence kind of guy -- If you're fast and smart, you're first. If you're slow and/or dumb, you come in last and are eliminated). Still, I much prefer this kind of interference to the Yield, because the U-Turned team will only be limited by how well they complete the other task, and aren't just waiting out the clock.
Azaria and Hendekea grab their chicken and take off. The Pinkies reach the Detour and choose Shake Your Booty. Nathan and Jennifer's penalty time runs out, and they get the clue that sends them to Pelegtanga Market. Azaria and Hendekea choose to pass the U-Turn without using it, and the market's cluebox is nearby. Rrrrrrrip! Teams must now take a taxi to another market: Tampouy Goat Market, on the outskirts of Ouagadougou. Their taxi driver seems to know exactly where it is. TK and Rachel are still wandering around, looking for the gold mining pits. They could have danced three times by now. Nicolas and Donald make good progress on the gold. Ronald and Christina dance, and interpret the "shake your booty" Detour title very literally. The locals laugh at them. Nicolas and Donald think they have enough gold. Ronald and Christina are told their "free creativity" was not very good, and they step to the side to wait out their ten-minute penalty. Nicolas and Donald's gold is approved, so they tore through that Detour pretty damn quick. They pick up their chicken and leave, meeting TK and Rachel on their way out, and telling them that it's no sweat.
Nathan and Jennifer choose not to U-Turn anybody, get their clue, and head for the goat market. The IBs reach the Detour, and naturally choose Shake Your Booty. Jason and Lorena's cab is still way behind, and they pass the time by bonding with their chicken. TK and Rachel aren't finding any gold, because they refuse to actually get down into the pit, and are just sort of swiping at the surface of the muck. They're also trying to sift through the rubble with their hands instead of rinsing it off so they can see the gold. Sigh. The Pinkies dance. Kynt improvises some impressive rod-twirling moves that are very ninja-esque. Vyxsin stomps in the background, and the two of them end their dance with very dramatic poses. The crowd applauds, and they easily pass the Circle of Judgement. Nicolas and Donald have gone in the wrong direction. They're lucky TK and Rachel are around, or it'd be their trademark. "We're clueless!" Nicolas exclaims, as he clutches...the clue. The Pinkies choose not to U-Turn anybody. In the taxi, Kynt says that the African people they've met have been very warm and welcoming. Vyxsin cradles the chicken like a baby. Hehe. Ronald and Christina's penalty time runs out, and they manage to reach the U-Turn just ahead of Nicolas and Donald. Neither team uses it, and they grab taxis to the goat market.
TK is finally dredging up some gold. The IBs are "dancing". That is to say, they're crawling on the ground so that IB#2 can show plenty of boob. They also do some sort of snake-charmer-waist-wiggle. They finish, and await the judges' decision. TK and Rachel turn in their gold, and get their clue. The IBs miraculously pass the Circle of Judgement.
LabRat: "Well, at least nobody can say Azaria and Hendekea got through on the race card, because these two sucked."
The IBs get their clue, and spot the Pelegtanga Market. TK and Rachel also see it, but won't be able to catch up in time. IB#1 prepares to use the U-Turn, although IB#2 doesn't want to. "It's a game. They understand it, and they would absolutely do it to us." Thank you. Like I said, I generally don't enjoy teams throwing a wrench into each others' works, but if the U-Turn or the Yield is part of the game, it's not rude or unfair to use it, and it's very unwise to ignore it. TK prays the IBs don't U-Turn them. The IBs prepare to do the deed.
Commercials. I have to say, I really enjoy this "Things You Can Do With One Finger" ad, even if I'll never be wealthy enough to worry about private brokers.
The IBs don't realize TK and Rachel have slipped so far, and think Jason and Lorena are the team behind them. So they U-Turn Jason and Lorena. IB#2 is crabbing that it's "wrong", but IB#1 makes the same point I just did. The U-Turn is part of the game. If a game allows you to send someone back three spaces, or make them fork over a lot of pink rent money, or declare that they're not allowed to talk until someone says their full name, then you're not being mean, because you both knew this was a possible outcome when you agreed to abide by the game's rules. And if we set aside morality for a moment, this was the wisest thing the IBs could have done at this point. They know Jason and Lorena are trailing. They know Jason and Lorena have come in first in a previous leg. The more you can make a struggling team bleed time, the better the chances are that they'll be eliminated, and improve your chances in the competition. In fact, anyone who used the U-Turn at this point would have done well to pick Jason and Lorena. If you U-Turn someone right behind you, you may knock them down a place or two, but they'll still be in the race, and out for revenge. Knocking out the last-place team is the best move, especially for the IBs, who are in sixth place, and may very well need this U-Turn to survive.
They paste up the pictures of themselves and of Jason and Lorena, complimenting their own picture as they run for the clue. TK and Rachel reach the U-Turn, and are relieved to see what's happened. TK interviews that the IBs made a bad strategic move, because it'll put "a target on their back". BZZZT! Stop making me take IB#1's side so much! They did what they thought they had to do to stay in the race. It was not only a reasonable choice, it was the smart one, and the only way it'd put a target on their backs is if Jason and Lorena can make up three tasks' worth of time on everyone. It's not impossible, but it sure is unlikely. The IBs bicker about the U-Turn choice as they run for the taxi. IB#1 says she doesn't want to be out of the game so that they could act nice towards a competitor. Seriously, IB#2. Why don't you ask Julia how that worked out for her? The IBs and TK/Rachel get into their taxis. IB#1 tells the camera that she knows Jason and Lorena will hate them, but they had no choice. She says she loves Jason and Lorena, but U-Turning them was the smartest thing to do. No argument here. IB#2 brings up bad karma, and IB#1 makes another good point (stop it!) by saying that there is no bad karma in a game. As long as you're following the rules, you're not being evil.
Jason and Lorena reach the Detour, and choose Shake Your Booty. Azaria and Hendekea see three or four goats crammed into a small basket on the back of a motorcycle. Eesh. Those poor things. Nathan and Jennifer see a similar motorcycle basket crammed with chickens. Azaria and Hendekea reach the market, jump out of the taxi, and grab the clue. Rrrrrrrip! Roadblock! "Who's ready for a juggling act?" Phil explains that in this Roadblock, the chosen team member has to load up a bicycle with an unwieldy amount of supplies, including a live goat. Then they have to ride the bike to deliver the goods to a vendor, who will hand over the next clue. Azaria takes it on. Nathan and Jennifer aren't far behind, and Jennifer takes the Roadblock. Azaria reads off the list of supplies: three African print blankets, a free-standing plant, two big, yellow jugs, a bundle of sticks, two tea kettles, two rings of twine, and the aforementioned goat in a laundry basket. The Roadblockers get started by picking out goats. Azaria forces the twine rings over his own head. Jennifer kindly apologizes to her goat as she straps him down. "Is this too tight?" she asks. "BAAAAAAAAA!" the goat bleats unhappily. Aw.
Jason and Lorena do a dance that includes a lot of squatting. Lorena says she's always loved dancing, and Jason adds that the dance floor is where he first fell in love with her. That's sweet. Lorena grins. She's spent so much time howling that I don't think I've had time to say how pretty she is, but when she's not a hopeless emotional wreck, she's really attractive. They finish, and the judges tell them their dance was very good. Off they go! TK and Rachel's taxi passes the IBs'. The IBs stress about doing well at the Roadblock. Speaking of which, Azaria and Jennifer finish loading their supplies, and begin asking around for directions to the correct vendor. As Jennifer and an onlooker consult her clue, her goat raises his head and tries to take a corner of it off. Hahaha! Both of the Roadblockers get guides, and I guess they don't really have to ride the bikes to get credit for the task, because they're just walking them.
The next group of teams arrives at the Roadblock. Vyxsin takes it on, as do Christina and Nicolas. They make their way over to the pile of supplies. Jason and Lorena are discovering that they've been U-Turned, and are understandably not thrilled with the situation. They head back to pan for gold, and are still hoping to catch up. I'm all for powering through a tough task no matter how grim the outlook seems. Jennifer is rudely snapping "faster!" at the locals. She's having trouble finding the vendor, because she doesn't speak "a lick of French". Azaria does speak a little, so he manages to track the vendor down. As he drops off his supplies, Jennifer finds her vendor. Azaria gets his clue. Rrrrrrrip! Teams must now take a taxi to the pitstop, the Hotel de Ville in Ouagadougou. I suppose the teams will be going someplace new next week, and I'm going to miss hearing the word "Ouagadougou" so much. Phil reminds us that teams must check in with "chicken in hand". Hehe. And no matter how healthy a team's chicken is, last one to the mat is a rotten egg.
Jennifer gets her clue. Azaria and Hendekea haul ass to their taxi. Jennifer is tired from the task, so she and Nathan are walking. They're still hot on Azaria and Hendekea's trail, though, and Azaria tries to impart to their driver that he doesn't want to get passed. Nathan tries to hug and congratulate Jennifer on a job well done, but she feels sweaty and gross, and shrugs him off. Lorena and Jason tear through Shake Your Pan. Why couldn't they have been this nice and functional in the other legs? Ronald begins lecturing Christina again (in Chinese, no less) about how to load the bike, but when she asks him to back off, he does. Progress! Vyxsin has problems keeping her bike righted, which is pretty integral to the whole load-things-onto-it process. Nicolas is able to ride his loaded bicycle. Impressive. Christina walks with hers. Jason and Lorena find wads of gold. TK/Rachel and the IBs reach the Roadblock, and Rachel and IB#1 take it on. They get started, and TK guilts IB#2 about using the U-Turn. She actually buys into the idea that it was a strategic mistake. Oh, for crying out loud. This is what Galileo must have felt like as he tried to explain the whole heliocentrism thing. Jason and Lorena are done with the gold. THEY'RE NOT GIVING UP.
Commercials. Sorry those slutty twins didn't deliver your pizza, kid. Maybe next time.
Nicolas and Christina look for their vendors. Vyxsin continues to wrestle with her bike. Rachel and IB#1 have issues tying the jugs onto the back of theirs. Jason and Lorena are now free to head for the Roadblock. THEY'RE NOT GIVING UP. Vyxsin's finally done loading, and rides off to look for her vendor. She's struck by the conditions surrounding her, particularly the piles of garbage on the side of the road. A pack of kids willingly leads her towards the vendors. It's very heartwarming. No, really. Rachel has to fix one of her knots. IB#1 apologizes to her unhappy goat, wary of getting bitten. Azaria leans out of the window of his taxi to wave at Nathan and Jennifer, which is such blatant Fate-tempting, I'm surprised they didn't blow a tire on the spot. Azaria tells Hendekea to focus her mind. She's like "Yeah. Run for the mat. Consider it understood." Both teams approach the Hotel de Ville. It's a sprint to the mat! Azaria and Hendekea are in the lead. Azaria drops something, which Nathan gleefully yells out. Azaria somehow fails to care, and keeps running.
And then, oh how I wish I were making this up, Jennifer screams out "Come ON, you guys! You've got first three times! [which, no they haven't]". It's like I've fallen through the looking glass. What the holy fuck is up with these people and their twisted senses of morality? This is The Amazing Race, not The Amazing Share. In this alternate universe, when you play a game, you play to lose. You should willingly help opposing teams through tough tasks, never use game-allowed penalties on someone else, and graciously allow others to pass you, as long as they ask. See, this is what happens when you start giving ribbons to every kid that enters the science fair. Thankfully, Azaria and Hendekea realize that this isn't kindergarten, and beat Nathan and Jennifer to the mat by about a second. The greeter welcomes everyone, and Phil ascertains that both teams have their chickens. They do, so Phil announces that Azaria and Hendekea are team number one, and have won motor scooters. Nathan and Jennifer are team two. Jennifer is frustrated because "everyone should have their time" to come in first, and Azaria and Hendekea have "already had their time". I highlight the word competition in the nearest dictionary and chuck it at Jennifer's head. Hendekea somehow finds a polite way to say "Um, blow it out your ass, princess".
IB#1 and Rachel are still madly loading down their bikes. Nicolas finds his vendor, gets the clue, and pats Christina's head on his way back. Heh. Christina soon finds her vendor as well. Vyxsin rides by a pile of fish with flies swarming all over it. She finds her vendor. Jason and Lorena AREN'T GIVING UP. Rachel finishes loading, and stuffs the clue in her bra. Ha! It's the little things that make this show great. She rides off. Nicolas, Christina, and Vyxsin return to get their taxis, and the IBs worry that things aren't looking good for them. I guess we're not supposed to notice that things would be looking even worse if they hadn't U-Turned Jason and Lorena. Now that Vyxsin has time to think, the weight of the poor conditions that the people around her must live in closes in on her, and she begins to cry. You can tell that Kynt has absolutely no idea how to handle this, but he comforts her as best he can. Rachel looks for her vendor, as does IB#1, who must have finished loading at some point. Jason and Lorena AREN'T GIVING UP. IB#2 frets that they're going to catch up. IB#1 and Rachel flail. Jason and Lorena stay firm in their resolve to NEVER GIVE UP.
Commercials. If I ever feel compelled to start keeping sorrowful diary entries about my joint pain, I will have officially become the most boring person on the planet.
Jason doesn't want to lose the race because of a "stupid U-Turn". Sorry, but that's not quite what has happened; it's pretty much the same situation as Double D. Yes, the U-Turn put you into a bad position, but you weren't exactly kicking ass when it came along. Rachel and IB#1 continue to hunt for their vendors. Meanwhile, it's another sprint to the mat! This time, it's between Ronald/Christina and Nicolas/Donald. Although Ronald's hernia is causing him significant pain, Nicolas and Donald manage to walk in the wrong direction again, giving Ronald and Christina the edge to check in (with their chicken, natch) as team three, their highest placement so far. Nicolas and Donald stroll to the mat and check in as team four (ditto). Nicolas gives Christina a low five and puts his arm on her shoulder. I guess he doesn't know that he's supposed to be whining about how she should have stood aside and let him and Donald check in first. Both teams are thrilled to be "climbing the ladder".
Rachel and IB#1 finally find their vendors. They get their clues, and head back. Well, IB#1 heads back. In the grand tradition of TK and Rachel not being particularly good at knowing where they're going, Rachel doesn't know where she's going. She walks in the wrong direction. IB#1 makes it back, and TK asks if she's seen Rachel. She has, but is pretty certain Rachel is heading in the wrong direction. Rachel has no clue where she is. Jason and Lorena AREN'T GIVING UP. The Pinkies and their chicken check in as team five. Phil asks them what the reaction to their makeup and outfits has been, and they praise how tolerant the locals are. The greeter smiles gently. Vyxsin calls it a "life-altering" experience, so perhaps she's rethinking how important that glitter eyeshadow is in the grand scheme of things. She has a very cool interview, in which she says that while she and Kynt are of course focused on doing well in the race, she's not blind, and it's heartbreaking to see such wonderful people have to make do with so little. There's the nice middle ground between "Everything in Africa is wonderful!" and "Ew, stinky Africans!" I was looking for.
Jason and Lorena AREN'T GIVING UP. They pledge to "screw over the blonds". Really? Because the IBs are currently getting screwed over by checking in as team six. Rachel has managed to make it back to her vendor, who points her in the right direction. She finally makes it back to TK, and they leave for the pitstop. If she hadn't gotten so lost, they may well have gotten ahead of the IBs, so tell me again what a huge strategic mistake IB#1 made. Yeah, that's what I thought. So everyone's gone by the time Jason and Lorena make it to the Roadblock. Jason takes it on. THEY AREN'T GIVING UP. We don't spend too much time watching him complete the task, because what's the point, really? He finishes up, and they leave for the pitstop.
TK and Rachel check in as team seven. Rachel seems really surprised, though I don't see why. Lorena cries softly in their taxi. Jason says it's OK, and that they'll make a million dollars another way. Camel farm? Nah, probably not. They smile at each other. They reach the mat with their chicken, and are eliminated. They tell each other they did really well. Phil asks about their future, and Lorena says they'll definitely be staying together. She interviews that the race has given her lots to appreciate, and she can pretty much put the whole marriage idea on hold for a while. They hug, which the chicken between them does not appreciate. Jason asserts that two people can have a "deeper love" when they're not bound by marriage. Not to mention the fact that she can't take half his money. Ah, romance.
Next week on The Amazing Race: Ronald hurts himself at the Detour, as part of his quest to fall apart piece by piece. The IBs bicker, and possibly get knocked into the Great Beyond by a speeding bus. Yikes!
Overall Grade: B
Previously on The Amazing Race: Ronald got a hernia, which is bad news for his comfort and racing ability, but good news in that he became less likely to rail at his daughter. The teams traveled to Burkina Faso, where they were schooled by camels before being schooled in an actual school. Azaria and Hendekea approached each task calmly and thoughtfully, and surged into the lead. Funny how that works. Lorena and Jason (Lorena, anyway) approached each task loudly and hysterically, and sank to last place. Funny how that works. Julia very helpfully gave Lorena the advice she needed to pass the sisters, leading to their sad, but very deserved elimination. Eight teams remain. Who will be eliminated next?
Opening credits. Jason and Lorena skip happily through the forest. The scene where she encounters a ladybug and breaks down into wrenching sobs must have been edited out.
There was a town in Burkina Faso, and Bingo was its name-o. The local kids play and dance, as Phil explains that Burkina Faso is coming into its own, as far as hosting international festivals of art, music, and filmmaking. Wow, really? That's pretty cool. I accidentally listen to Phil's Opening Blather, which is just as suspense-killing as I remember. Crud. Azaria and Hendekea's arrival time isn't mentioned, so this may be one of those weird pitstops that's not twelve hours long. In any event, they get their first clue at 7:58 AM. Rrrrrrrip! It tells them to follow a marked path to another small village, where they will need to find the tribal chief. He has a difficult name they don't bother to subtitle, so Tribal Chief it is. Phil explains to us that the chief will hand over the next clue, along with a "customary gift of generosity". That's meant to be very mysterious, and perhaps would have been, if they hadn't inserted a crowing rooster sound. Really, show. Suspense. It's a good thing.
Teams aren't getting any money for this leg of the race. Whee! Azaria says that Hendekea has physical limitations. "Physical limitations, like I'm a [blurred word]," she replies. Ooh, I wonder what went there. Something that relates to "a gimp leg". My guess? Retard. They easily find Tribal Chief, and he directs them to select a nearby chicken and stuff it into a mesh bag. Hendekea picks a docile one, and it goes into the bag with no trouble. Tribal Chief hands over the next clue. Rrrrrrrip! Teams must now travel a hundred miles by taxi to the town of Bouda Pelegtanga, where the next clue awaits. Also, teams must keep their chicken with them at all times to successfully complete the leg. Oh, it's like that school project where they make you babysit a sack of flour for a week. Only this bag of flour is a lot more noisy, and prone to pooping. Unless there's a thriving industry in transporting people three hundred feet across Bingo that I don't know about, it looks like taxis have been provided. Azaria and Henkedea hop into one, and Azaria asks Hendekea what he can do to make her move faster. She snaps that she's going as fast as she can. Yeah, it's not like she's slacking. You'd think an engineer would know something about why the taller teammate moves faster.
TK and Rachel leave the mat at 8:12 AM. TK says that if they put too much pressure on themselves, they'll start screwing up, so they're going to keep on being as calm as possible. Nathan and Jennifer leave the mat at 8:13 AM. Jennifer notes that since they've placed in the top three in the past couple of legs, getting first place is not beyond their reach. Certainly not if other teams politely step aside and give Queen Jennifer her due. Uh, spoiler. In other distressing news, Nathan is wearing black socks with shorts. Kynt and Vyxsin leave the mat at 8:14 AM. Kynt says that they're both very sincere, genuine people, despite what you might think when faced with their Goth exterior. Given that they act about as Gothic as a Girl Scout bake sale, I think the denizens of the world can manage. Ronald and Christina are off at 8:15 AM. They're happy with the way both their relationship and their race placement are improving. Nicolas and Donald leave at 8:16 AM. Nicolas says that Donald's life experience is a "great pool to draw from". Unfortunately, that pool has one of those "NO RUNNING" signs spray-painted on the edge, and Donald can't keep up with the jogging pace that Nicolas has set.
Wacky music plays as this knot of teams goes to grab their chickens. TK and Rachel have no problem, but Nathan and Jennifer's flaps its way out of the bag. A nearby little boy giggles in delight. Hehe. They work it out, and both teams grab taxis. TK encourages Rachel to give his chicken a smooch. No, not like that, perv. Azaria and Hendekea are still enjoying the beauty of Africa. They've traveled to Ethiopia before, and Hendekea says the people in Africa are "always so happy and friendly and warm". Let's not go nuts. It's insulting to act all "Ewww! Poor people!" like the IBs last week, but I'm not sure it's much less insulting to treat the entire continent like the It's A Small World ride. Vyxsin, Ronald, and Donald grab chickens, then cabs. Ronald lets his "good chicken" partway out of the bag, and it rewards him by pecking him in the hand. Meanwhile, the IBs are leaving the mat at 8:38 AM. IB#1 says that they're equal partners in the team, and that they'll both speak their minds. As will the chicken they try to stuff into the bag. He makes a narrow escape, but they manage to trap another one. In the cab, IB#1 gives us the titular quote, as their rooster's comb is very reminiscent of Phil's spiky, wet hair last week. There's a hilarious flashback for the forgetful.
Azaria and Hendekea pull up at Bouda Pelegtanga, and Hendekea darts off to take a quick pee break. This somehow pisses Azaria off (so to speak), because I guess Hendekea should have trained herself not to expel any liquid before coming on the race. Damn her and her functioning kidneys! Since she's off squeezing the Charmin, Nathan/Jennifer and TK/Rachel get to the cluebox first. Rrrrrrrip! Detour! Shake Your Pan or Shake Your Booty. In Shake Your Pan, teams head over to a gold mining pit and use "local methods" to pan for a minimum of one ounce of gold. I'm glad we're traveling to exotic locations and such, but their "local method" is exactly the same as ours. Is there more than one way to pan for gold? It'd be like using the "local method" to tie your shoe. Once the team has enough gold, they can turn it in for the next clue. Phil says that although the task is physically demanding, the outcome is measured objectively. An ounce is an ounce.
In Shake Your Booty, teams "learn" a traditional local dance, then perform it for a panel of "local celebrities" and a large crowd of onlookers. Why, yes. This is a shameless ploy to remind people of American Idol. Nice catch. The dance must also incorporate some creative dance moves, so basically, the team can just get out there and do whatever they want. If the judges are impressed, the team gets a clue. If they're not, the team has to sit and wait for ten minutes before getting a clue. The people demonstrating the dance are dressed up in body-encompassing costumes, and it's a shame they don't force the contestants to wear them. Phil warns that the outcome of this task is subjective. Eh, this is kind of weak. Panning for gold will take a while no matter what, and there's nothing stopping a team from simply choosing Shake Your Booty, intentionally sucking, and taking a ten-minute breather. They may not even lose any time on the other teams, and have accomplished nothing in the meantime. Bleh.
Anyhow, Nathan and Jennifer know a lot about making themselves look foolish in front of a large audience, so they pick Shake Your Booty, as do TK and Rachel. Azaria and Hendekea get the Detour clue and choose the same thing. Remember Lorena and Jason? They're just now leaving the mat at 10:07 AM. Lorena says that yesterday was tough, but she's hoping to keep her cool and work her way back up to the front of the pack. Hope springs eternal. THEY PLEDGE NOT TO GIVE UP. Sorry, I don't mean to yell at you, but they will repeat this sentiment approximately four hundred trillion times over the next forty minutes, so we must be sure you understand that THEY WON'T GIVE UP. Nicolas and Donald's taxi passes Kynt and Vyxsin, who Nicolas refers to as "The Pinkies". Heh. That's way more apt than "The Goths". Jason snags a chicken. He and Lorena hop in their taxi, and now there's nothing to do but hope a team ahead of them screws up, somehow. It's certainly been known to happen. Ronald and Christina pass the Pinkies. The curse of the slow cab driver! You never know when it will strike.
Nathan and Jennifer learn their dance moves. It's a lot of stomping and thrusting poles into the ground. Jennifer's danced for the LA Clippers, and she tries to coach Nathan along. They walk out into the Circle of Judgement. They stomp. They thrust their poles. The music would have us know that a nearby costumed dancer is unimpressed. More stomping. A local laughs heartily at how dumb they look. Azaria and Hendekea practice on the sidelines. Nathan and Jennifer finish their dance, and just in case you thought they didn't do too badly, the editors help you out by inserting cricket noises. One of the judges tells them they had no creativity, which is true. They sure stomped a lot, but I didn't see them add anything extra. Jennifer is disappointed, because a ten-minute penalty could "cost [them] first place". Let's stick a little bookmark in this moment. Nicolas and Donald reach the Detour, and choose Shake Your Pan. After the sweet dance moves Donald broke out last week? Christina tells us that Ronald is a really wild dancer, so they head for Shake Your Booty. On the walk over, Christina advises him to smile the whole time. Rub some Vaseline on your teeth! Make a rambling speech about U.S. Americans!
After ten seconds of instruction, TK and Rachel have decided the dance is too difficult, and they ditch to go mine for gold. Ooh, big mistake. Performance tasks on this show rarely have to be any good. They just would have had to go out there, be enthusiastic, and throw in a couple of original moves. They'd have been passed in a heartbeat. TK and Rachel wander off in no particular direction, as is their wont. Nicolas and Donald reach the mining pits. Azaria and Hendekea dance, and although it doesn't look appreciably different from Nathan and Jennifer's, they're passed. They thank the judges and get their clue, and Jennifer's perma-bitchface deepens. Nathan complains that they're not in first place anymore. You mean the first place you were in for five minutes because Hendekea had to pee? Yeah, I wouldn't be too proud of that.
Azaria and Hendekea open their clue. Rrrrrrrip! They must now make their way on foot to the Pelegtanga Market to find the next cluebox. Oh, and "Caution: U-Turn ahead". Oh, a new race twist? What will it be? Something cool, like the Intersection, or something irritating, like the Yield? Let's find out! Phil explains that there are only two U-Turns on the race, and a team may only use it once. A U-Turn forces a team behind you to go back and complete the Detour option that they haven't already done. Ooh, twisted! I'm not a huge fan of race aspects that allow someone to screw over another team (I'm a reward merit and punish incompetence kind of guy -- If you're fast and smart, you're first. If you're slow and/or dumb, you come in last and are eliminated). Still, I much prefer this kind of interference to the Yield, because the U-Turned team will only be limited by how well they complete the other task, and aren't just waiting out the clock.
Azaria and Hendekea grab their chicken and take off. The Pinkies reach the Detour and choose Shake Your Booty. Nathan and Jennifer's penalty time runs out, and they get the clue that sends them to Pelegtanga Market. Azaria and Hendekea choose to pass the U-Turn without using it, and the market's cluebox is nearby. Rrrrrrrip! Teams must now take a taxi to another market: Tampouy Goat Market, on the outskirts of Ouagadougou. Their taxi driver seems to know exactly where it is. TK and Rachel are still wandering around, looking for the gold mining pits. They could have danced three times by now. Nicolas and Donald make good progress on the gold. Ronald and Christina dance, and interpret the "shake your booty" Detour title very literally. The locals laugh at them. Nicolas and Donald think they have enough gold. Ronald and Christina are told their "free creativity" was not very good, and they step to the side to wait out their ten-minute penalty. Nicolas and Donald's gold is approved, so they tore through that Detour pretty damn quick. They pick up their chicken and leave, meeting TK and Rachel on their way out, and telling them that it's no sweat.
Nathan and Jennifer choose not to U-Turn anybody, get their clue, and head for the goat market. The IBs reach the Detour, and naturally choose Shake Your Booty. Jason and Lorena's cab is still way behind, and they pass the time by bonding with their chicken. TK and Rachel aren't finding any gold, because they refuse to actually get down into the pit, and are just sort of swiping at the surface of the muck. They're also trying to sift through the rubble with their hands instead of rinsing it off so they can see the gold. Sigh. The Pinkies dance. Kynt improvises some impressive rod-twirling moves that are very ninja-esque. Vyxsin stomps in the background, and the two of them end their dance with very dramatic poses. The crowd applauds, and they easily pass the Circle of Judgement. Nicolas and Donald have gone in the wrong direction. They're lucky TK and Rachel are around, or it'd be their trademark. "We're clueless!" Nicolas exclaims, as he clutches...the clue. The Pinkies choose not to U-Turn anybody. In the taxi, Kynt says that the African people they've met have been very warm and welcoming. Vyxsin cradles the chicken like a baby. Hehe. Ronald and Christina's penalty time runs out, and they manage to reach the U-Turn just ahead of Nicolas and Donald. Neither team uses it, and they grab taxis to the goat market.
TK is finally dredging up some gold. The IBs are "dancing". That is to say, they're crawling on the ground so that IB#2 can show plenty of boob. They also do some sort of snake-charmer-waist-wiggle. They finish, and await the judges' decision. TK and Rachel turn in their gold, and get their clue. The IBs miraculously pass the Circle of Judgement.
LabRat: "Well, at least nobody can say Azaria and Hendekea got through on the race card, because these two sucked."
The IBs get their clue, and spot the Pelegtanga Market. TK and Rachel also see it, but won't be able to catch up in time. IB#1 prepares to use the U-Turn, although IB#2 doesn't want to. "It's a game. They understand it, and they would absolutely do it to us." Thank you. Like I said, I generally don't enjoy teams throwing a wrench into each others' works, but if the U-Turn or the Yield is part of the game, it's not rude or unfair to use it, and it's very unwise to ignore it. TK prays the IBs don't U-Turn them. The IBs prepare to do the deed.
Commercials. I have to say, I really enjoy this "Things You Can Do With One Finger" ad, even if I'll never be wealthy enough to worry about private brokers.
The IBs don't realize TK and Rachel have slipped so far, and think Jason and Lorena are the team behind them. So they U-Turn Jason and Lorena. IB#2 is crabbing that it's "wrong", but IB#1 makes the same point I just did. The U-Turn is part of the game. If a game allows you to send someone back three spaces, or make them fork over a lot of pink rent money, or declare that they're not allowed to talk until someone says their full name, then you're not being mean, because you both knew this was a possible outcome when you agreed to abide by the game's rules. And if we set aside morality for a moment, this was the wisest thing the IBs could have done at this point. They know Jason and Lorena are trailing. They know Jason and Lorena have come in first in a previous leg. The more you can make a struggling team bleed time, the better the chances are that they'll be eliminated, and improve your chances in the competition. In fact, anyone who used the U-Turn at this point would have done well to pick Jason and Lorena. If you U-Turn someone right behind you, you may knock them down a place or two, but they'll still be in the race, and out for revenge. Knocking out the last-place team is the best move, especially for the IBs, who are in sixth place, and may very well need this U-Turn to survive.
They paste up the pictures of themselves and of Jason and Lorena, complimenting their own picture as they run for the clue. TK and Rachel reach the U-Turn, and are relieved to see what's happened. TK interviews that the IBs made a bad strategic move, because it'll put "a target on their back". BZZZT! Stop making me take IB#1's side so much! They did what they thought they had to do to stay in the race. It was not only a reasonable choice, it was the smart one, and the only way it'd put a target on their backs is if Jason and Lorena can make up three tasks' worth of time on everyone. It's not impossible, but it sure is unlikely. The IBs bicker about the U-Turn choice as they run for the taxi. IB#1 says she doesn't want to be out of the game so that they could act nice towards a competitor. Seriously, IB#2. Why don't you ask Julia how that worked out for her? The IBs and TK/Rachel get into their taxis. IB#1 tells the camera that she knows Jason and Lorena will hate them, but they had no choice. She says she loves Jason and Lorena, but U-Turning them was the smartest thing to do. No argument here. IB#2 brings up bad karma, and IB#1 makes another good point (stop it!) by saying that there is no bad karma in a game. As long as you're following the rules, you're not being evil.
Jason and Lorena reach the Detour, and choose Shake Your Booty. Azaria and Hendekea see three or four goats crammed into a small basket on the back of a motorcycle. Eesh. Those poor things. Nathan and Jennifer see a similar motorcycle basket crammed with chickens. Azaria and Hendekea reach the market, jump out of the taxi, and grab the clue. Rrrrrrrip! Roadblock! "Who's ready for a juggling act?" Phil explains that in this Roadblock, the chosen team member has to load up a bicycle with an unwieldy amount of supplies, including a live goat. Then they have to ride the bike to deliver the goods to a vendor, who will hand over the next clue. Azaria takes it on. Nathan and Jennifer aren't far behind, and Jennifer takes the Roadblock. Azaria reads off the list of supplies: three African print blankets, a free-standing plant, two big, yellow jugs, a bundle of sticks, two tea kettles, two rings of twine, and the aforementioned goat in a laundry basket. The Roadblockers get started by picking out goats. Azaria forces the twine rings over his own head. Jennifer kindly apologizes to her goat as she straps him down. "Is this too tight?" she asks. "BAAAAAAAAA!" the goat bleats unhappily. Aw.
Jason and Lorena do a dance that includes a lot of squatting. Lorena says she's always loved dancing, and Jason adds that the dance floor is where he first fell in love with her. That's sweet. Lorena grins. She's spent so much time howling that I don't think I've had time to say how pretty she is, but when she's not a hopeless emotional wreck, she's really attractive. They finish, and the judges tell them their dance was very good. Off they go! TK and Rachel's taxi passes the IBs'. The IBs stress about doing well at the Roadblock. Speaking of which, Azaria and Jennifer finish loading their supplies, and begin asking around for directions to the correct vendor. As Jennifer and an onlooker consult her clue, her goat raises his head and tries to take a corner of it off. Hahaha! Both of the Roadblockers get guides, and I guess they don't really have to ride the bikes to get credit for the task, because they're just walking them.
The next group of teams arrives at the Roadblock. Vyxsin takes it on, as do Christina and Nicolas. They make their way over to the pile of supplies. Jason and Lorena are discovering that they've been U-Turned, and are understandably not thrilled with the situation. They head back to pan for gold, and are still hoping to catch up. I'm all for powering through a tough task no matter how grim the outlook seems. Jennifer is rudely snapping "faster!" at the locals. She's having trouble finding the vendor, because she doesn't speak "a lick of French". Azaria does speak a little, so he manages to track the vendor down. As he drops off his supplies, Jennifer finds her vendor. Azaria gets his clue. Rrrrrrrip! Teams must now take a taxi to the pitstop, the Hotel de Ville in Ouagadougou. I suppose the teams will be going someplace new next week, and I'm going to miss hearing the word "Ouagadougou" so much. Phil reminds us that teams must check in with "chicken in hand". Hehe. And no matter how healthy a team's chicken is, last one to the mat is a rotten egg.
Jennifer gets her clue. Azaria and Hendekea haul ass to their taxi. Jennifer is tired from the task, so she and Nathan are walking. They're still hot on Azaria and Hendekea's trail, though, and Azaria tries to impart to their driver that he doesn't want to get passed. Nathan tries to hug and congratulate Jennifer on a job well done, but she feels sweaty and gross, and shrugs him off. Lorena and Jason tear through Shake Your Pan. Why couldn't they have been this nice and functional in the other legs? Ronald begins lecturing Christina again (in Chinese, no less) about how to load the bike, but when she asks him to back off, he does. Progress! Vyxsin has problems keeping her bike righted, which is pretty integral to the whole load-things-onto-it process. Nicolas is able to ride his loaded bicycle. Impressive. Christina walks with hers. Jason and Lorena find wads of gold. TK/Rachel and the IBs reach the Roadblock, and Rachel and IB#1 take it on. They get started, and TK guilts IB#2 about using the U-Turn. She actually buys into the idea that it was a strategic mistake. Oh, for crying out loud. This is what Galileo must have felt like as he tried to explain the whole heliocentrism thing. Jason and Lorena are done with the gold. THEY'RE NOT GIVING UP.
Commercials. Sorry those slutty twins didn't deliver your pizza, kid. Maybe next time.
Nicolas and Christina look for their vendors. Vyxsin continues to wrestle with her bike. Rachel and IB#1 have issues tying the jugs onto the back of theirs. Jason and Lorena are now free to head for the Roadblock. THEY'RE NOT GIVING UP. Vyxsin's finally done loading, and rides off to look for her vendor. She's struck by the conditions surrounding her, particularly the piles of garbage on the side of the road. A pack of kids willingly leads her towards the vendors. It's very heartwarming. No, really. Rachel has to fix one of her knots. IB#1 apologizes to her unhappy goat, wary of getting bitten. Azaria leans out of the window of his taxi to wave at Nathan and Jennifer, which is such blatant Fate-tempting, I'm surprised they didn't blow a tire on the spot. Azaria tells Hendekea to focus her mind. She's like "Yeah. Run for the mat. Consider it understood." Both teams approach the Hotel de Ville. It's a sprint to the mat! Azaria and Hendekea are in the lead. Azaria drops something, which Nathan gleefully yells out. Azaria somehow fails to care, and keeps running.
And then, oh how I wish I were making this up, Jennifer screams out "Come ON, you guys! You've got first three times! [which, no they haven't]". It's like I've fallen through the looking glass. What the holy fuck is up with these people and their twisted senses of morality? This is The Amazing Race, not The Amazing Share. In this alternate universe, when you play a game, you play to lose. You should willingly help opposing teams through tough tasks, never use game-allowed penalties on someone else, and graciously allow others to pass you, as long as they ask. See, this is what happens when you start giving ribbons to every kid that enters the science fair. Thankfully, Azaria and Hendekea realize that this isn't kindergarten, and beat Nathan and Jennifer to the mat by about a second. The greeter welcomes everyone, and Phil ascertains that both teams have their chickens. They do, so Phil announces that Azaria and Hendekea are team number one, and have won motor scooters. Nathan and Jennifer are team two. Jennifer is frustrated because "everyone should have their time" to come in first, and Azaria and Hendekea have "already had their time". I highlight the word competition in the nearest dictionary and chuck it at Jennifer's head. Hendekea somehow finds a polite way to say "Um, blow it out your ass, princess".
IB#1 and Rachel are still madly loading down their bikes. Nicolas finds his vendor, gets the clue, and pats Christina's head on his way back. Heh. Christina soon finds her vendor as well. Vyxsin rides by a pile of fish with flies swarming all over it. She finds her vendor. Jason and Lorena AREN'T GIVING UP. Rachel finishes loading, and stuffs the clue in her bra. Ha! It's the little things that make this show great. She rides off. Nicolas, Christina, and Vyxsin return to get their taxis, and the IBs worry that things aren't looking good for them. I guess we're not supposed to notice that things would be looking even worse if they hadn't U-Turned Jason and Lorena. Now that Vyxsin has time to think, the weight of the poor conditions that the people around her must live in closes in on her, and she begins to cry. You can tell that Kynt has absolutely no idea how to handle this, but he comforts her as best he can. Rachel looks for her vendor, as does IB#1, who must have finished loading at some point. Jason and Lorena AREN'T GIVING UP. IB#2 frets that they're going to catch up. IB#1 and Rachel flail. Jason and Lorena stay firm in their resolve to NEVER GIVE UP.
Commercials. If I ever feel compelled to start keeping sorrowful diary entries about my joint pain, I will have officially become the most boring person on the planet.
Jason doesn't want to lose the race because of a "stupid U-Turn". Sorry, but that's not quite what has happened; it's pretty much the same situation as Double D. Yes, the U-Turn put you into a bad position, but you weren't exactly kicking ass when it came along. Rachel and IB#1 continue to hunt for their vendors. Meanwhile, it's another sprint to the mat! This time, it's between Ronald/Christina and Nicolas/Donald. Although Ronald's hernia is causing him significant pain, Nicolas and Donald manage to walk in the wrong direction again, giving Ronald and Christina the edge to check in (with their chicken, natch) as team three, their highest placement so far. Nicolas and Donald stroll to the mat and check in as team four (ditto). Nicolas gives Christina a low five and puts his arm on her shoulder. I guess he doesn't know that he's supposed to be whining about how she should have stood aside and let him and Donald check in first. Both teams are thrilled to be "climbing the ladder".
Rachel and IB#1 finally find their vendors. They get their clues, and head back. Well, IB#1 heads back. In the grand tradition of TK and Rachel not being particularly good at knowing where they're going, Rachel doesn't know where she's going. She walks in the wrong direction. IB#1 makes it back, and TK asks if she's seen Rachel. She has, but is pretty certain Rachel is heading in the wrong direction. Rachel has no clue where she is. Jason and Lorena AREN'T GIVING UP. The Pinkies and their chicken check in as team five. Phil asks them what the reaction to their makeup and outfits has been, and they praise how tolerant the locals are. The greeter smiles gently. Vyxsin calls it a "life-altering" experience, so perhaps she's rethinking how important that glitter eyeshadow is in the grand scheme of things. She has a very cool interview, in which she says that while she and Kynt are of course focused on doing well in the race, she's not blind, and it's heartbreaking to see such wonderful people have to make do with so little. There's the nice middle ground between "Everything in Africa is wonderful!" and "Ew, stinky Africans!" I was looking for.
Jason and Lorena AREN'T GIVING UP. They pledge to "screw over the blonds". Really? Because the IBs are currently getting screwed over by checking in as team six. Rachel has managed to make it back to her vendor, who points her in the right direction. She finally makes it back to TK, and they leave for the pitstop. If she hadn't gotten so lost, they may well have gotten ahead of the IBs, so tell me again what a huge strategic mistake IB#1 made. Yeah, that's what I thought. So everyone's gone by the time Jason and Lorena make it to the Roadblock. Jason takes it on. THEY AREN'T GIVING UP. We don't spend too much time watching him complete the task, because what's the point, really? He finishes up, and they leave for the pitstop.
TK and Rachel check in as team seven. Rachel seems really surprised, though I don't see why. Lorena cries softly in their taxi. Jason says it's OK, and that they'll make a million dollars another way. Camel farm? Nah, probably not. They smile at each other. They reach the mat with their chicken, and are eliminated. They tell each other they did really well. Phil asks about their future, and Lorena says they'll definitely be staying together. She interviews that the race has given her lots to appreciate, and she can pretty much put the whole marriage idea on hold for a while. They hug, which the chicken between them does not appreciate. Jason asserts that two people can have a "deeper love" when they're not bound by marriage. Not to mention the fact that she can't take half his money. Ah, romance.
Next week on The Amazing Race: Ronald hurts himself at the Detour, as part of his quest to fall apart piece by piece. The IBs bicker, and possibly get knocked into the Great Beyond by a speeding bus. Yikes!
Overall Grade: B
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