How's That Face Feel?

The Amazing Race - Season 8, Episode 8

The Weavers suck.

The Weavers come in last.

The Weavers are saved by non-elimination.

Fuck this season.

Overall Grade: D-

You Look Ridiculous

The Amazing Race - Season 8, Episode 7

Oh, goody. We get to spend two hours with these people tonight instead of the usual one. The teams jet back to the United States (specifically Arizona) to take in some desert scenery. The Weavers would still like you to know that they don't need friends on the race, then proceed to spend the rest of the episode whining about how they don't have friends. They pat themselves on the backs for being great competitors, then harangue DJ Paolo about Yielding them, which is...part of the competition. They claim to live decent, Christian lives, then try to coerce locals into impeding other teams and throw garbage out of their car window at the Pink Ladies. Why won't they go away?

The first hour ends with the Pink Ladies in first, and the Paolos narrowly edging out the Bransens, who come in last. The Paolos do, however, show some charity, and remind the Bransens to put on all their clothes before checking in. Good call, since this is a non-elimination point. In the second hour, the Pink Ladies again come in first. Those poor Linzes. This time the Bransens edge out the Paolos, who are sent packing. When you're sort of disappointed to see the Paolos go because it means the Weavers are still around, you know something's wrong with the universe.

Oh, and along the way, there are some fairly cool tasks such as doing a 360-degree roll in a plane and some fairly lame tasks, such as finding clearly visible clue boxes with a compass. The best news, however, is that my VCR cut off the second hour, so I can't go back and watch it again, which means that I can guiltlessly stop writing about this crap-ass season. Go me!

Overall Grade: C

I'm Sick of Doing Stuff I Can't Do

The Amazing Race - Season 8, Episode 6

Wait, what was that? An episode that didn't completely blow snuck into this season! How nice.

The teams leave Panama and head to Costa Rica. The Weavers have sunk so low that even the Paolos hate them, which is twenty kinds of awesome. They're so unliked that a bunch of teams literally scuffle over who gets to Yield them, with the Paolos coming out on top. The Weavers are, in fact, yielded and break down into snotty fits, and for a moment it seems like we may be rid of them at last.

But all is not well in Mudville. Tammy Gaghan struggles at the Roadblock, which allows the Weavers to pass them, and when the Gaghans can't catch up, the last eye candy on the race is sent home, along with his tearful daughter.

Hmm. I guess the episode wasn't as good as I thought.

Overall Grade: B-

We're Getting Out of the Country, Girls

The Amazing Race - Season 8, Episode 5

Previously on The Amazing Race: The show tried to make us feel better about the South's horrific losses in Hurricane Katrina by showing us the most boring parts of it. I do hope that magnificent roadside office chair managed to survive the onslaught. Six families remain. Who will (or won't) be eliminated tonight?

Credits. Stop showing me the Aiellos. I just get a pang of sadness every time. And also a pang of hotness. Commercials. Maybe this show should stop referring back to earlier (read: better) seasons. It's just an additional reminder of how lame this one is.

New Orleans, Louisiana. Some really pretty shots of the city are followed by an extremely unpretty shot of Tony Paolo molesting Phil. After the normal blah-be-dee-blah, the Bransens are off at 12:40 AM. Elizabeth is wearing that goddamn hat again. Their clue tells them to fly to Panama City, Panama. Cool! Someplace interesting! Once there, they have to go to the Smithsonian Tropical Research Institute (which fascinates my science geek heart) and find some guy lounging in a hammock (which doesn't). Although lounging in a hammock waiting to give clues to wandering passersby does sound like an ideal way to spend a day to me. Walter is pleased that the Bransens are all equals on the race. I wouldn't say him lagging and panting while the girls try to hurry him along make them equals, exactly, but I'm happy he's happy. The Paolos leave at 12:41 AM. Marion weepily interviews that she wishes DJ would hug her and tell her he loves her. We're supposed to feel sorry for her, and maybe I would if she wasn't such an unpleasant person. Seems to me that not being hugged is a pretty fair consequence for being obnoxious. The Linzes leave at 12:49 AM. Megan interviews that she's not as physically fit as her brothers, which can slow them down. Yeah, but she's the smart one, which speeds them up. Tommy makes some joke about them going to Panama City, Florida to ogle girls at spring break. See, Meg? You contribute by not being like that.

The Bransens are calling the airport from their cab. They seem to only be able to choose between Continental or American. Maybe the clue specified that they had to take one of those carriers, but we never hear why no other airlines were considered. Thanks for nothing, editors. All three lead teams wind up waiting at the counter at Continental (which has the better flight) for them to open. We're back at the mat, where the Pink Ladies are leaving at 1:39 AM. Jeepers. How did they fall so far back? Christine gets even more annoying than she was last week as she interviews that she may be bossy, but her ideas are always the best. Yeah, that brainwave to carry your heavy packs for no reason while running through the French Quarter was a real winner, Christine. At 1:52, the Weavers take off. Linda does her customary reading of the destination as if she's never heard of it in her life. "Pennsylvania?" "Washington?" "Panama?" Rebecca interviews that her family doesn't need alliances, thank you very much. I'm sure that has to do with their strategy, and not that nobody else can stand them. Finally, the Gaghans at 1:54 AM. They don't mind being second-to-last at the finish. I should say not. They seem to wind up there a lot.

Everyone's excited to get out of the United States for a while. I don't blame them. It's pretty joyless here these days. They all line up at the Continental counter. The Linzes and Bransens get their tickets. Then, a shining example of why Marion remains hugless. She asks DJ "Do you want me to do it, or do you want to do it?" referring to buying the tickets. He says he'll handle it. She replies with "You got it. You'll do everything. Nobody can do anything but you." Passive? Meet aggressive. God, what a bitch. DJ and Marion snipe at each other as they step up to buy the tickets. First the Pink Ladies "joke" about them stepping out of line if they're going to hold everyone up with the bickering, then butt in with how shamefully DJ treats Marion. Yeah, she's really put upon. She certainly doesn't bring any of that poor behavior on herself. Plus, who raised DJ to be such a brat? A shiny new penny if you guessed Marion (I doubt Tony does much child-rearing). Also, mind your own business, Pink Ladies. These people suck.

The Paolos also manage to make the Continental flight, but the Pink Ladies are out of luck, so they (and the Gaghans and Weavers) are stuck on an American flight that arrives in Panama more than 3 hours later. The lead flight lands. Everyone grabs a taxi. Bicker, argue, mangled Spanish. The usual. They teams arrive at the docks. They have to take a boat to the institute, which is on an island, but the boats don't leave until 7:00 AM. Hope you enjoyed all that airport intrigue, since it didn't matter one damn iota. Everyone just lines up for the boats, same as they did for the airline tickets. Zzzzzz. The second plane arrives, and we get more of the same, though the mangled Spanish on the part of the Weavers is more offensive. Shocking. The trailing teams arrive at the docks, affirm the order they're leaving the next day, and go to sleep.

Morning. There's a lot of talk about "keeping the order", which makes me think someone's going to try and cut in line and cause some drama, but everyone's a good sport. Aw. That is so sweet. And dull. The teams start crossing the crocodile-infested river, which is part of the Panama Canal. It's very pretty, though I could do without the teams yelling "Andale!" and "Vamanos!" at their drivers. The Linzes have an extremely slow driver, and start getting passed by everyone. They're upset, but should count their blessings, because the Gaghan driver isn't even taking them to the right place. He says he's going to pick someone up elsewhere, then drop them at the institute. Aiiiiie!!! They freak out.

Commercials. I've only seen about 10 seconds of that little kid in the new Zorro movie, and I already want to push him in front of a bus.

The Gaghans discover that when they stop shrieking and start asking nicely, the driver will drop them off at the institute. See, that wasn't so hard. Want to pass the "nice" lesson along to Marion? "That was a scare," Tammy says, acting pretty good-natured for what just happened to them. She doesn't know that the Bad Luck Imp isn't done with her yet. The lead teams land and start asking people if they are the scientist they're looking for, Ricardo Diaz. The first one the Paolos ask isn't him. So there are multiple hammock dwellers? Heh. Everyone rushes around looking for Ricardo. Wow, that place is beautiful. Must be nice to work on a tropical island with hammocks set up everywhere. The Pink Ladies are first to find the clue. The clue contains not only the Detour, but the Fast Forward. The Pink Ladies are in first, so they turn up their noses at the Fast Forward, saying they won't need it. Well, that was dumb. Let's put aside for the moment the fact that by ditching the Fast Forward, they know they won't finish in first and thus won't have a good jump on the next leg or win a nifty prize. When there was a Fast Forward on every leg (back when the show was, you know, good), people really did need to spare using it until they really felt they needed it. But when there is only one on the entire race, there is literally zero point in not using it if you're the first to get the clue. None. Let's say you're in first place. You know that if you don't take the Fast Forward, then a lagging team will, and pass you by. You know that if you don't take the Fast Forward, you're going to spend the day doing strenuous tasks that you could have otherwise avoided. You know that if you don't take the Fast Forward, it's not going to be there for you on a later leg when you do need it. It's bad planning on the part of the producers, but it's also bad racing. Nowadays, you find a Fast Forward when you're in first place? You take it.

Anyhow, the Pink Ladies stupidly ignore the Fast Forward and concentrate on the Detour. The choices? Rhythm or Coos. Oh, that is a terrible pun. Is my Dad writing for the show now? In Rhythm, teams take a bus to a nearby neighborhood, and visit several locations to pick up four musical instruments (trumpet, trombone, saxophone, and conga drum). Once a team has all four instruments, they deliver them to a jazz club to get their next clue. In Coos, teams take the bus to a rainforest site and search the canopy with binoculars for wooden replicas of five local birds. They then circle the birds in wax pencil on what looks like a Denny's placemat. Circle the wrong birds, and you have to start over. The Pink Ladies go for the instruments. The Paolos have discovered Ricardo Diaz. They neglect to be complete dumbasses and go for the Fast Forward (although in their shoes, I would have assumed the Pink Ladies would have taken it). The Fast Forward is a tandem bungee jump over the Panama Canal. Looks fun, if terrifying. The Weavers find Ricardo Diaz, and choose the birds. The Gaghans are only now arriving at the institute as the Bransens find Ricardo Diaz, and choose birds. The Linzes get the clue, and head for the instruments. The Gaghans reach the clue as well, and continue their streak of being pleasant, fun, and dumb by going for the Fast Forward. Did they really think none of the other teams (who are all in front of them) would go for it? Sigh. I like the Gaghans, so it pains me to watch them continually race like complete doofs.

Christine. You know the Pink Lady who interviewed that she's bossy because she's got such good ideas? Yeah, she's asking people where the buses are. The buses...on the island. The island...that's surrounded by water. The pieces finally fall into place, and she realizes they have to take the boat back to the mainland first, but not before the fourteen people who still watch this show have rolled their eyes a few times. Everyone jumps into their boats. Linda calls to the Linz driver to go slowly. The Linzes hear this and call her a bitch, although not to her face or anything. The Gaghans' driver still sucks. The Pink Ladies give their driver a couple bucks to go faster. Apparently, the Linz driver isn't beholden to Linda, as they blow by the Weavers. A bunch of the boats go the wrong way (Do the boat drivers not know where the dock is? I don't understand that at all), so the Paolos manage to reach the docks first. The teams pile into their buses. Looks like each team gets their own. The Linzes and Pink Ladies decide to work together on the Detour. The Linzes pass along the story of Linda telling their driver to go slow, so the two teams share a lovely moment of Weaver hate together. The Gaghans are essentially following the Paolos so they should know that they'll never get the Fast Forward, but they're trying nonetheless, bless their dumb little hearts. Bill is getting the kids jazzed about jumping. He's hot.

Teams are getting directions to where they need to go. I guess the bus drivers either don't know or aren't allowed to tell them, so again, thanks for keeping the audience in the loop, show. Linda asks someone for directions (in Spanish) and he answers (in English) that he's going that way, so they can follow. The Pink Ladies hire a taxi to follow. Heh. The Linzes call the Godlewskis "The Pink Ladies" too. I thought only the Shroeders did that. The Linzes follow them. In the bus to the Fast Forward, DJ is explaining his fear of heights, saying he's scared he might pass out. Faced with this show of vulnerability, Marion tells him not to worry because she's sure he can do it, and that she'll be there to support him. Nah, just yanking your chain. She actually says that if he passes out, she'll kill him. The line to hug her and express your love for her forms at the left. The Gaghans think they may be able to beat the Paolos in a footrace to the bungee jump, and in their excitement, Tammy trips a little and Carissa bonks into the back of her, which propels Tammy into the back of a van. Yowch. Probably because of that, the Paolos grab the ticket for the bungee jump first. The Gaghans tell themselves that the Paolos will chicken out. Not bloody likely. In fact, Marion correctly states that if they don't do it, the Gaghans will, so they have no choice but to jump. Brian and Tony are paired up and jump with no problems, and Tony gives Brian a pretty sweet *mwwwaaaah!* on the side of his head. DJ and Marion are strapped together, about to jump into midair. It's DJ's worst nightmare, and it's beginning to look like he may back out.

Commercials. Man, am I sick of commercials that show how wonderful cars handle out by themselves in the desert. Who cares how cars handle when there's nobody else around? Show me how the cars handle when it's snowing and I'm stuck at the interbelt on Highway 40 during rush hour.

So of course DJ and Marion jump, because they have no choice. DJ kisses his mom on the forehead, mostly because he's glad he survived. Directly after this heartwarming scene, we hear "Son of a bitch!" from Bill Gaghan, because they have to go back to the Detour, which they should have done a long time ago. I'm a little surprised he yelled that in front of his kids, but we never see him say it, only hear him, so maybe it was edited in from an interview or something. Not that I fucking care that much about swearing, for fuck's sake. They decide to go for the instruments. The Paolos, meanwhile, are celebrating. Marion's mostly happy because DJ loves her now, but I think what he really loves is not being a splat mark on the sidewalk. They're off to the pit stop, the Miraflores Locks, which is the Pacific entrance to the Panama Canal.

The Bransens are lost, but the Weavers have found the bird park. Linda thanks God that they stopped and asked for directions, because without that particular divine intervention, I'm sure they would have just driven around in circles for hours. "Mom, can we ask for directions?" "No, I haven't gotten the go-ahead from God yet." They circle five birds, but they're not the right ones. No word on whether that's God's fault or not. The Bransens arrive and start their bird circling as well. The Linzes and Pink Ladies arrive at the Detour neighborhood and find their saxophones. The Paolos arrive at the pit stop, and win a trip to Panama. While they're standing in Panama. Heh. Sure, they'll be staying in a resort instead of the floor of a dock station, but it was still kinda funny. We get inspirational music as Marion talks about DJ kissing her, so he must really love her and such. Oh, crap. They're not getting The Redemption Edit, are they? The story arc where a team starts out as awful, but they don't lose, so the editors have to start showing any little nice moment in a desperate attempt to make us like them so we won't be upset when they win? Man, I hope not.

The Weavers have corrected the problem with their birds, so they're done. The clue sends them 2 miles to a baseball stadium for their next clue. I didn't know they enjoyed baseball in Panama. Aren't they soccer-crazy like the rest of the world? The Bransens get their birds on the first try, so they're off to the stadium as well. The Linzes and Pink Ladies have found their trumpets. One of the Pink Ladies talks about how well the two families work as a team. Oh, I see why. It's because when they find their conga drum, Christine directs one of the Linz boys to carry it for them. No wonder she thinks they work well together. They pick up the trombone as well, so they head for the jazz club. I don't think a single Pink Lady is carrying a single instrument. The Gaghans grabs themselves a Fern to help them find the instruments. The Linzes and Pink Ladies find the jazz club, where there are a bunch of awesome dancers. Not only are they dancing awesomely, but they completely ignore the families as they try to put the instruments in the proper cases. Heh. The teams head for the stadium. The Gaghans pick up their final instrument as the Weavers arrive at the stadium. Roadblock. It involves getting a homerun or a base hit against a championship Little League pitcher. If they don't get a hit within three pitches, they have to let any waiting teams go next.

Rolly takes on the Roadblock. He's swinging left-handed and gets a strike on the first pitch. The Bransens arrive and Elizabeth volunteers. Rolly strikes out, so she heads to the plate. She strikes out, too. The Linzes and Pink Ladies arrive, and Nick and Sharon will be the batters. As Rolly steps up to the plate, one of the Linzes does the "hey battabattabatta...SWING!" thing that people do at baseball games. This earns Linda's ire, and she snaps, "You guys, hush. We're encouraging everyone." Yeah, if by "everyone" you mean "Rolly". Plus, I don't remember you being so kind when you were telling their driver to go slowly. Plus plus, everyone does the battabattabatta thing. It's not rude. So in summary: shut up, Linda. Rolly (now magically right-handed) does hit a pitch and it's an easy out, but the ball rolls gently between the pitcher's legs. "Champion" little-leaguer my ass. The Weavers head for the pit stop, still griping about how rude the Linzes are and letting themselves bask in an aura of superiority at how much better people they are. I ask to retract my "shut up" and insert a "fuck off" in its place. Thanks.

The Gaghans drop off their instruments. Back at the stadium, Beth is being too critical in judging her pitches. You can't walk if you get four balls, Beth, so swing at everything. She does manage to crack one, so the Bransens are off. Nick Linz gets on base on his first try (though not on the first pitch). On the way to the pit stop, a Linz brother tells his siblings about Linda yelling at him. Megan says "I would have told her to go screw herself." Go, Meg! The Gaghans get to the stadium, and Bill takes the Roadblock. Sharon strikes out. Bill Gaghan steps up and cranks it out of the park on the first pitch. Nice! Oh, and hot. Sharon's still having problems. She says she's exhausted. From what? From one at-bat? From not carrying instruments?

Commercials. Oh, look. More various car commercials featuring their vehicle all by itself out in the desert.

Sharon finally gets a base hit. The Weavers arrive at the mat as team number two. Bleh. The Paolos and Weavers as the first two teams? What have I done to deserve this? The Gaghans, convinced that all the bad luck they've had this leg is behind them, find out that it's not the case as their bus is blocked by...it looks like someone delivering a soda machine. Probably not the product placement Pepsi was looking for. The Pink Ladies are putting all the clothes they brought on in case it's a non-elimination leg. Apparently, all they brought along was underwear. Seriously, each one of them has, like, twenty pairs of panties on. The Gaghans are still stuck. The Bransens hit the mat as team number 3. The Linzes are right behind as team 4. The Gaghans can finally proceed. The Pink Ladies are almost there, too. They giggle about wearing all their clothing. Who will it be?

My God, it's the Gaghans, second-to-last yet again. How do they keep doing that? The Pink Ladies are the last team to arrive, but are spared by the first non-elimination point. Phil takes all their money. Who cares? Money has barely been an issue at all so far. He also takes all their possessions, which is pretty much just their empty backpacks. A Pink Lady interviews that they all have wits, charm, and beauty. Hilariously, this is played over a shot of Christine (the one who wanted to take a bus off an island) wearing a sort of black beekeeper veil over her head. It's as flattering as it sounds. They vow to bounce back.

Next week on The Amazing Race: The teams cross a suspension bridge in what may be one of the most beautiful spots in the world, and still manage to bitch about it. The Weavers get their car stuck, and Linda throws a tantrum. Oh, won't that be lovely?

Overall Grade: C

Think Like An Office Chair

The Amazing Race - Season 8, Episode 4

Before we get to the previously, Phil would like us to know that a lot of the portions of Mississippi and Louisiana the episode takes place in were devastated by Hurricane Katrina. I don't think I'm giving away too much to say that if you'd never visited those places before, and had only this episode to go on, you'd probably wonder why that was such a big deal. Previously on The Amazing Race: Virginia. South Carolina. Crazy Weavers. Hot Aiellos. Alabama. Bullshit. No more Hot Aiellos. Seven families remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

I have to say that I kind of dreaded writing the entry for this episode, because it's so very boring. The only thing that pushed me forward is that I'm so anal, having a blank in the middle of the series would drive me crazy. However, the disclaimer is out there, so I'll probably gloss over a bunch of crap. Credits. Hunter is clearly pulling his punches. After tonight, I'm not so sure the fighting will be as playful. Commercials. Do women really envy each other's elbows? Really?

Huntsville, Alabama. We're still at the space shuttle Pathfinder at NASA, which I will now hate for eternity for being the site of boring, bullshit tasks and the end of the road for people I like. Eternal enmity was probably not what they were expecting when they agreed to be on the show. Phil wonders if the Weavers will continue being complete loons, and if the Gaghans can catch up. I think at least one of those is a pretty safe bet, Phil. The Bransens leave the mat at 1:15 PM. The clue tells them to find the largest office chair in the world. Zzzzzz. You can pretty much insert that Zzzzzz anytime Phil mentions a new task. The chair is in Anniston, Alabama. Walter is finally wearing a different shirt. The Linzes are off at 1:18 PM. That "Who Dey?" shirt seems to be making the rounds, which means that it never gets washed, which means ew. The Shroeders leave at 1:33 PM. Stassi refers to themselves as the underdogs. They're in third. Draw your own conclusions about Stassi's intelligence. The Pink Ladies leave at 1:44 PM. Tricia interviews that Sharon and Christine tend to butt heads. From my own reading of these two, that's probably because Sharon is decisive and headstrong, and Christine is kind of a stupid nit.

The Weavers don't leave until 3:34 PM, which makes sense, given that the loser bus was two hours behind last week. Linda always sounds completely confused when she reads the clue. The Shroeders are in their car talking about how phony and awful the Weavers are. This is probably why I don't hate the Shroeders more. The enemy of my enemy, and all that. The Paolos are off at 3:50 PM. They fight. I'm completely shocked. We get the most out of the other son (Brian), that we've ever heard. He says DJ and his mom fight so much because they are the same exact person. It's totally true. Brian seems fairly unobjectionable. I feel sorry for him being stuck with this crew. Finally, the Gaghans at 3:53 PM. They catch up to the Paolos with pretty much no effort.

In their car, Brian politely asks where they're going, and Marion screams ANNISTON!!!, then slices him across the neck with the clue, giving him a paper cut. Just in case you ever felt sorry for her when DJ reduced her to tears, you can take comfort in the fact that she's just as big an asshole as the rest of them. The two trailing teams take different highways, and Bill is confident that they've chosen the faster route. The Bransens have found the chair. Lauren climbs up, gets the clue, and climbs down. It's as exciting as it sounds. The clue sends them to Talladega, Alabama to find the International Motor Sports Hall of Fame. Their next clue will be in the museum there. It seems that teams actually passed Talladega on their way to Anniston, so everyone knows exactly where it is. It's good that the show had them backtrack, because otherwise the episode might have had a segment with a sliver of suspense or excitement. The Weavers are passing Talladega now, and worry that they'll be sent there. That's pretty sharp for a family that can't figure out what Pennsylvania is. The Linzes find the chair. The Shroeders find the chair. The Pink Ladies find the chair.

The Bransens have found the museum at Talladega, and pull their clue. It tells them to complete one lap around the track. Ah, but they won't be using cars. They'll be pedaling around in a goofy-lookin' contraption called a party bike. Whoo! Party! This is as hideously lame as the rest of the episode, but I have to wonder if this was changed at some point in deference to the Weavers. This episode doesn't have a Roadblock, and my guess is that originally, this was it, and that one of the team members either had to drive a racecar or ride alongside a racecar driver, but that they scrapped it to avoid seeming insensitive. So they did what they could on short notice, and tossed a few multi-person bikes out on the track. Voila. The Linzes have found the museum, too. Tommy says "How do you like dem apples?", because he speaks entirely in cliches. Is it wrong that I'm starting to find Alex kind of attractive? Probably. I'll try not to admit that again. The Shroeders are there too. The Bransens pedal as the Gaghans arrive at the chair. Guess Bill was right about his route being faster. As they leave, the Weavers arrive. They're unhappy when they read the clue, for good reason. Linda says "Oh, my Lord," which Blood Ray points out could be construed as taking the Lord's name in vain. Heh. The Paolos have finally found the chair, too. They seem to be in last so often. How come they haven't been eliminated yet?

The Bransens look to be about halfway done with the pedaling as the Linzes get started, so those Bransens must have made some good time with the driving today. The Shroeders get started on the bikes too, and the Bransens finish shortly thereafter. Their clue sends them to Hattiesburg, Mississippi, which one of the Bransen girls pronounces as "Huh-TEES-burg". Oy. They are supposed to find "The Southern Colonel". What is the Colonel, you ask? Is it a museum? Is it a nature trail? An art gallery? Anything that would be even remotely interesting or indicative of culture in Hattiesburg? Don't be ridiculous. The Southern Colonel is a trailer park (it looks to be a place that they sell mobile homes - I don't think people live there). You have got to be kidding me. That is just a giant FUCK YOU to Mississippi.

The Pink Ladies have found the track. The Weavers have an actual sympathetic moment as they try and pep themselves up for whatever awaits them at Talladega. Suddenly, they're there. Hey, what happened to the Gaghans? They open the clue, and are very displeased to find the "do one lap" clue within. I'd be displeased too, but could probably refrain from squealing like a pig, Rachel. She also calls Linda "mommy", which she is way too old to do.

Commercials. Bewitched is available on DVD and PSP. I have no idea what PSP is, but maybe by offering it, they can double their sales. Now twelve people will buy that movie.

The Weavers make their way onto the track. Wait! How did the Weavers make up the two-hour difference of the bus last week? This makes no sense. Although we never see them on the track with any of the four teams on the first bus, so maybe it's misleading. Mark Shroeder suggests stopping and raising the seats. The other Shroeders say no, so of course he stops. Stassi shrieks at him, while Char opts for a (justifiably) bitchy "we had momentum, Mark". When they start back up, Stassi groans that "one minute makes the biggest difference!" which is usually true, but again - they should have a two-hour lead on three teams at this point. The Linzes, Shroeders, and Pink Ladies finish biking. The Gaghans have found the racetrack. The Weavers bike. Linda pronounces Hattiesburg correctly, but goes for "colonial" instead of "colonel". There's inspirational music as the Weavers talk about their strength as a team. Um, you just pedaled a party bike around in a circle, because the producers (probably correctly) thought you'd fall apart at the sight of a racecar. It's understandable, but you don't earn a ton of respect for doing the watered-down task. Nice try, show.

The Gaghans are just getting started on the bike, so this editing is, indeed, wonky. The track is more than two miles long. Are you telling me that the Weavers (who left the chair at about the same time as the Gaghans) drove to Talladega, completed a two-mile course on a party bike, and left all before the Gaghans arrived? Something's fishy here. The Paolos arrive at Talladega, and Tony is absolutely thrilled with the clue, because he thinks he'll be in a racecar. Crushing his joy makes me happy. As the Gaghans wrap up and leave, they note the sky is becoming a bit threatening. It still looks calm but cloudy as the Paolos start pedaling, so I have no idea what the true order of events is in this episode.

The Linzes catch up to the Bransens on the highway. As they pass, Lauren moons them out the window. That'd usually be pretty funny, but mooning someone while your Dad sits three feet away? Ick. Because he's a wuss, Alex doesn't moon her back, but lifts his shirt up, then yells "Now it's your turn!" Heh. It's a family show, so we don't see how Lauren responds. She probably jiggled her boobies out the window while her father cheered her on. The Paolos pedal some more, and now it looks like the storm season that came right before the hurricanes is in full swing. Massive black clouds rise up, and there's a bunch of lightning as well. They show a shot of the storm as the Paolos hurry to their car, and it's the most impressive one I've seen in a long time.

One of the Bransen girls has a good idea, suggesting that they just pull into the nearest gas station in Hattiesburg, and look up Southern Colonel in the phone book. They find it easily, as do the Linzes. The clue says to search among the 37 trailer homes for a departure time the next morning. The times are 7:20 AM, 7:40 AM, and 8:00 AM. Unlike leading teams that find these sorts of clues in other seasons, Megan actually does the smart thing and insists upon finding the earliest time, rather than just hysterically pulling a ticket. Meanwhile, the Shroeders ask a police officer about the Colonel. He directs them to the right place, but Mark and Char are convinced that a trailer park couldn't possibly be what they're looking for. I kind of feel them on that one. I'd also have trouble believing that my destination would be that stupid. Char suggests looking in a phone book, but Mark dismisses that as too easy. Well, pick one, Mark. Either this place is a touristy-type thing, which means it would certainly be in the phone book, or it's a little out of the way thing, which means the police officer was probably right. Stassi is unhappy that they're not going to look in the phone book.

The Pink Ladies find a computer lab of some sort, and find the Colonel on the internet, complete with directions there. Nice! The Weavers get directions from some folks in a gas station. The Shroeders are still lost, and Stassi suggests stopping at a gas station for directions. Mark seems ambivalent about this as well. What the hell is his problem? He doesn't want to trust the police officer's directions. He doesn't want to look in a phone book. He doesn't want to stop at a gas station. Is he just expecting to trip over the Colonel at some point? What a tool. They actually wind up doing all three, as they find a phone book in a gas station that shows the police officer was right. Mark rips the phone book page out to take with them. That's pretty rude.

The Bransens and Linzes work together and find that the 7:20 AM departure time is the best, so they both grab one. The Pink Ladies and Weavers get to the Colonel at the same time. The Pink Ladies do the exactly wrong thing and just pull the first ticket they come to (7:40 AM). I don't understand how people mess this up so bad every season. They haven't seen another ticket, so for all they know, 7:40 is the latest departure time, which means there would be literally no disadvantage in looking for a better one. So stupid. Luckily for the Pink Ladies, the Weavers are equally as stupid, and pull the 8:00 departure time. The Shroeders are still lost, and Stassi is starting to lose her mind. They find the clue, and Stassi just weeps at how bad they're doing. They're in 5th. They started the leg in 3rd. Really no need for a tantrum just yet. The Pink Ladies have the unmitigated gall to tell them to look for 7:40 AM, as if they're sure it's the best time. The first trailer the Shroeders go into has the 8:00 time, and Mark actually suggests pulling it! He knows for a fact that's not the earliest time. Is everyone left on this show a complete moron? Stassi says as much, adding on that she does not want to have the same departure time as the Weavers. Understandable. The Gaghans arrive. Bill just pulls an 8:00 AM time. Sure, why not? Carissa says she doesn't like trailers because they're evil. I'd find that funnier if I weren't fuming about how fucking dumb these people are. The Paolos arrive, so the Shroeders panic and pull the first ticket they come to, which is an 8:00 AM. Stassi's crying again, so one of the Pink Ladies tries to soothe her by saying, get this, that the Shroeders will only be 20 minutes behind them. This somehow fails to comfort Stassi. She cries some more that one minute makes all the difference. This time she's right.

Commercials. I promise that if I ever need to transport twenty beach balls, I'll think about buying a Hyundai Santa Fe.

So of course the Paolos stumble across a 7:40 AM departure, because this season is populated by dumbasses. They take it because Marion says that they'll be leaving in less than five hours.

Blood Ray: "It's probably 11:00 PM."

Hahahaha. Man, this season would be becoming unbearable pretty quickly if I were watching it alone. Morning. The Bransens and Linzes leave at 7:20 AM. The clue tells them to drive to Richland, Mississippi and find a specific gas station. Once there, they'll have to look for a guy named Les to receive their next clue. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. Go to a gas station and get your next clue? This show does not deserve to call itself The Amazing Race. This is the stupidest fucking task in the history of this show, and I am not exaggerating. Whatever, let's just move on. The Pink Ladies and Paolos leave at 7:40 AM. The Weavers, Shroeders, and Gaghans are all leaving at 8:00 AM. They all deserve to leave at noon, with the way they've been playing. The Bransens and Linzes find Les. The clue tells them to go to Madisonville in the Pelican State (which is Louisiana), and find Fairview Riverside State Park. So that was Mississippi. Mobile homes and gas stations. Both teams figure out the Pelican State thing easily. The Pink Ladies blow right by the correct gas station. The Paolos have found it, though. The Pink Ladies actually see the Paolos turn in to the gas station (which is the right company as well), and decide that they must just be stopping off for something. Sure, ladies. They stopped at a gas station, but not the right one, because they need to buy snacks. Which, of course, they could never do at the correct gas station. DUMBASSES.

The Paolos get their clue and leave, now in third place. Frankly, they deserve third place right now. The Pink Ladies decide to turn around and go back to the gas station. Gee, ya think? They're mad. Hey, you told Stassi that 20 minutes doesn't make a difference. What's five to you? Apparently plenty. The Shroeders have spotted the gas station, and Stassi is still going on about how one minute (or maybe ticket) makes the biggest difference. We. Get. It. The Gaghans and Weavers are at the gas station too. Everyone gets the clue and takes off, except for the Shroeders who not only need gas, but have never heard of Madisonville, and they're from Louisiana. We're supposed to think they're dumb for this, but I'm certainly not familiar with every podunk town in Missouri. In the Gaghan car, Carissa sings a little ditty about finding a pen. The Shroeders unravel even more. Christine finds the highway they need on the map, and demands that the other Pink Ladies basically worship at her feet because she found the interstate. They give her high fives, but roll their eyes. Christine gets on my nerves too, ladies. Mark Shroeder, who apparently has a degree from the Denny Rogers Institute of Leading Your Family, tells Char not to get on the (correct) highway.

The Bransens and Linzes have found the park. Detour! Work vs. Play. In Work, you use a two-person saw to slice 12-inch diameter pieces off a log. Four slices and you're done. In Play, you row to a nearby riverboat and play Blackjack against a dealer. All four team members have to beat the dealer (or the dealer can bust). Win three times, and you're done. That sounds easier, but on reflection, having four people beat him would take a while. Add to that the time spent rowing, and I'd probably go for the log. Everyone has to put on "appropriate period clothing". Think Miss Kitty's saloon at Six Flags, only uglier. Both teams choose Play. The Shroeders have realized that they've missed their highway. Not only that, but the park they're looking for is 30 minutes from their house, and 5 minutes (!!!!) from where Mark used to work. And they've never heard of it, or the town it's in? DUMBASSES. They're suitably embarrassed. Back at the boat, the Linzes almost tip into the water, but don't. Boo! One of the Bransen girls doesn't know how to play Blackjack. Walter responds how I did: Oh, geez. The Paolos arrive and choose Work. Good choice on their part. The Pink Ladies arrive and choose Work as well. The card players are finding it more difficult to win than they thought, though the Bransens are through one round.

The Weavers are a bit lost, so the Gaghans are next to the Detour. They choose Play. The Linzes panic and bolt the card table to go do the logs. The Paolos are actually working well as a team to cut the logs. I'm surprised they didn't attempt to behead each other with the saws the second they got their hands on them. The Gaghans start to play, and the Bransens win their second round. The Paolos finish up their logs. They are currently in first place. Can you believe that shit? The clue tells them to get to the next pit stop: Preservation Hall in New Orleans, Louisiana. I've been there! Sorry, I'm contractually obliged to shout that whenever they go places I've been. I have a feeling they won't be indulging in the activities that I indulged in when I was in New Orleans, though. Wow, I never realized Lake Pontchartrain was that big. As the Paolos leave, the Bransens win their third round, so they're off as well. As they leave, the Weavers arrive. They choose Play. The Linzes and Pink Ladies are done with the logs. The Weavers have won two rounds while the Gaghans have yet to score. It looks like the Gaghans are hitting too often. I think the fastest way to win this would be to stay on anything 12 or over, and just hope the dealer busts. The Gaghans start to panic.

Commercials. Hey, Close to Home, you know what's really desperate? Invoking the name of a more popular show to try and drum up interest in yours.

The Gaghans give up, and leave to go do the logs. The Bransens and Linzes marvel at the size of Lake Pontchartrain. In the Pink Lady car, Christine wants to grab their bags to take with them when they get out of the car. I'm not really sure why, since they're on the way to the pit stop. They can pick up their stuff after they check in, I assume. The other ladies point out that it's not the best idea, since they have to run through the French Quarter. Christine first tries to be resolute ("Well, I'm taking my backpack!") to get respect. It doesn't work, so she cries to get sympathy. Christine is thirty-seven years old. Carissa is more mature than her. She interviews (during which she cries) that she cries to relieve tension when she's tired. I suppose I've heard of worse ways to relieve stress. It still seems like remarkably childish behavior on a woman pushing forty. Plus, she yells at the other Pink Ladies for making her cry. Like Mark, she needs to choose one. Either the other Pink Ladies are badgering her so much that she's upset (which...not - they just don't want to lug their backpacks), or she's just doing her normal cry to relieve stress routine, which she said doesn't mean much to her emotionally. She doesn't get to have it both ways.

The Weavers finish their Blackjack. You can tell they're in a hurry, because they don't badger the dealer about his relationship with the Lord. The Gaghans start sawing, and Carissa racks herself in the face with the saw. Sorry, but I laughed for about thirty full seconds after that. The Weavers are excited to see the Shroeders just arriving as they leave. Linda cautions them not to be too happy, since the Shroeders are familiar with the area. Irony! As a further insult to the Shroeders, it starts raining again as they choose Work. The Gaghans saw. Mark consults his Denny manual, and decides they need to change Detours. It's just as much game suicide as it was when the Rogers did it. They go across to the boat. The editing would suggest that they have won two rounds by the time the Gaghans are done sawing, but I don't buy it. The Weavers are going across the massive bridge, and Linda refers to Lake Pontchartrain as one of the five great lakes. She's a teacher. I'll leave it at that. The lead teams get into New Orleans. It looks like the show has actually blocked off parking spaces for them, which is kind of bullshit, but ranks pretty low on the bullshit scale when compared to a bunch of other things the producers have seen fit to throw at us this season, so whatever. The Paolos and Bransens search for Preservation Hall.

The Shroeders are musing about how close to home they are. Oh, they'll be even closer to their home soon enough. The Linzes have arrived in New Orleans. The Bransens have found Preservation Hall, and hit the mat in first. Well, I don't hate this particular team, so...yay? They win a trip to Orlando. The greeter grins awkwardly as they freak out. The Paolos arrive in second. The Paolos! Second! I don't think you need any more evidence as to how stupidly the other teams played this week. The Pink Ladies arrive. Christine isn't wearing her backpack, so nice empty threat, there. No wonder your sisters don't respect you. The Linzes hit the mat in third. The Weavers arrive. The Pink Ladies hit the mat in fourth. The Gaghans arrive. The Weavers hit the mat in fifth. Seeing a pattern? Yes, the editing again tries to be all tricky, but the Gaghans arrive in sixth, and the Shroeders are last. I'm fully expecting a non-elimination point. There are so many still to fit in. The Shroeders expect it, too. But we're all wrong. They're eliminated. Char is wracked with sobs that sound so miserable that I actually feel sorry for them. Still. Stop the bike to adjust the seats? Ignore directions given by local police officers? Pull a departure ticket without looking for earlier ones? Missing your highway? Switching your Detour choice? They deserve to be in last, so it's no great tragedy to see them go. At least Mark owns up to his mistakes and doesn't try to shove off the blame on the rest of the family. Denny would be disappointed in him.

Next week on The Amazing Race: Phil talks about DJ's fear of heights, but all I can concentrate on is the fact that he's holding the Fast Forward, which will probably put them into first place next week. Damn it. Sharon struggles at home plate during a baseball task. What, no tasks where the teams are sent to bus station bathrooms?

Overall Grade: D+

I Don't Kiss, I Make Out!

The Amazing Race - Season 8, Episode 3

Previously on The Amazing Race: Nine teams made their way from Lancaster, Pennsylvania to Washington, D.C. Several teams wound up at the wrong reflecting pool, because reading the clue is, like, hard and stuff. Afterwards, they took part in a "covert" Roadblock that Harriet the Spy would have dismissed as too juvenile. Nobody "EVAH EVAH EVAH" listens to Mama Paolo! If she'd like to know why, I'd point out that harridan and harpy are really close to each other in the dictionary. It wouldn't take long for her to look up both. Several teams appeared to struggle at the Civil War themed Detour, but they could have been at it all day and night without it making a whit of difference, since the Rogers family got lost over and over again, then got eliminated. Way to rule that family, Denny! Eight teams remain. Which team's elimination will cause me to question my faith in God tonight?

Credits. That advancing pastel wall of Weavers is horrifying. No wonder they're holding those horses so tightly. The poor things are probably trying to bolt. Commercials. I'm not sure how someone knowing I like plantains would lead to my identity being stolen. You wanna pass the ganja, AOL?

Middleburg, Virginia. Apparently, the twelve hour pit stop rule is in effect this week, as the Weavers leave at 2:26 AM. The clue tells them to fly to Charleston, South Carolina, and drive themselves to the Battery. A gazebo there will have their next clue. Hah! Last week, I said that the Weavers needed more Carmen Sandiego in their lives, and the Battery is exactly where Where in the USA is Carmen Sandiego sends you when you go to South Carolina. Rebecca interviews that they don't want any "drama" on the race. Welcome to Reality Show Foreshadowing 101. The Linzes are leaving at 2:27 AM. Megan says that sometimes her brothers don't listen to her because she's the lone girl in a group of macho guys. I'd say they're not so much macho as emotionally retarded. I can see how she'd get those confused, though. The Pink Ladies are off at 2:29 AM. Sharon interviews that the family doesn't really have a leader, because she doesn't want to say the truth, which is that she is the leader. The other ladies babble amongst themselves as Sharon tries to direct their driver to the airport they need to go to. I like Sharon. The Shroeders leave at 2:35 AM. Char is happy that the kids don't think of her as a stepmom in that "negative connotation". My, they're laying the foreshadowing on thick this week. Also, do people still automatically assign stepmothers a negative connotation? Isn't the Cinderella age behind us now? My stepmother is great. We hear the most out of Hunter yet as he says he's not very familiar with Charleston. Char tells him they need to focus and he rolls his eyes and gives a massive (though silent) "whatever". Heh.

Matt Aiello does a happy little jig on the mat as they leave at 2:37 AM. He is so adorable. They read off that they need to go to Chaaaaalston. OK, he's adorable, but those Boston accents are not. Ugh. The Bransens' departure time is 2:38 AM. These times are really close together. I thought that traffic jam last week slowed some teams down. Guess not. Walter is still wearing that "Late Night with David Letterman" shirt. He's been wearing that thing for, like, three days now. Ew. The Gaghans leave at 2:43 AM with a little pep talk from Billy. Tammy interviews that they're trying to raise the children like little adults instead of kids that are going to hold them back. I can certainly get behind that. Kids aren't dumb; I never patronize them. I'll be treating my impending nephew as a social equal when he's about three weeks old. Bill interviews that his kids are great, and he's really proud of them. Aw. Blood Ray makes throaty growls at my side. Down, boy.

The Weavers and Linzes are stuck behind some oversized trucks on the highway. Meanwhile, the Bransens borrow a cell phone from their driver and call ahead to the airport to check on flights. The Gaghans do the same thing. They both find the same US Air flight, which arrives in Charleston at 10:06 AM. The Paolos are now leaving at 3:05 AM. I'm anxious to get away from them, but the next team we see is the Weavers, so my situation hasn't much improved. It hasn't improved for them either, as they realize they have missed their exit. They decide to ask their driver to stop on the highway, and back up so they can get to the exit. Normally, I'd blast them for doing something so stupid (and do they really want to do something so dangerous, given the way the father died?), but it wasn't their fault they missed the exit, there's hardly any traffic around, since it's the middle of the night, and I'd probably break some traffic laws too if I were in a race for a million dollars. That's pretty much the last time you'll hear me defend the Weavers tonight. Hope you enjoyed it, Weaver fans. All zero of you.

The Linzes and Weavers arrive at the Washington-Dulles airport. They find a flight at Independence Air that gets them into Charleston at 10:04 AM, two minutes earlier than the flight the Bransens and Gaghans know about. Eh, I wouldn't really worry about a two minute difference. More teams arrive at the airport. Walter gives the Aiello family the tip that he's found the first flight, which he hasn't, but again: two minutes. To their credit, the Aiellos note the earlier flight at Independence Air, and pass the word along to the Bransens. The Pink Ladies have already arrived and gotten these tickets. As the Aiellos buy tickets from one agent, the Shroeders buy them from another, and that sells out the Independence flight, so the Bransens won't be able to get on. They scuttle off to US Air to get the other flight. The Gaghans arrive and get the same tickets, and now that one is sold out as well.

And now, the comment we had to rewind to watch about three times, because we couldn't believe someone would actually utter it. Linda Weaver: "We've got time just to come and familiarize ourselves with the airport, and find out...anything." You see, the Weavers don't know how air travel works. Seriously, they don't. They're asking airline agents for information. Not specific information; just stuff like how airports work. Can I ask why they applied to be on this show? Did they not think air travel was going to enter into the picture at some point? Stassi watches them suspiciously, sure that they're up to something sneaky. I guess she doesn't know that they're too dumb for mischief. The Aiellos also think they're up to something, and David asks them if they found a better flight. They ignore him, and he's completely pissed off. I mean, the Weavers don't really have an obligation to help their direct competition, but it seems that David's more mad because they wouldn't even acknowledge his presence, not even with a "can't help you, sorry." That, I understand. The only comfort I can give him is that he wouldn't want to associate with the Weavers, anyway. Well, I could offer another kind of comfort, but Blood Ray would kill me. The Paolos finally arrive and get a flight on United that puts them in Charleston at 10:38 AM. It's always nice to see them behind.

As the teams wait for their flights, Rolly and Hunter bond the way pre-teen boys bond: by punching each other in the leg. Char is not thrilled to see this, because she's sure Hunter is passing vital information to the Weavers such as... Such as... Anyway, she pulls Hunter aside and in her own words, tells him to shut his piehole. The minute her back is turned, Hunter tells Rolly she's a bitch. So much for them not sticking you in the "evil stepmother" pigeon-hole, there, Char. The first two flights take off. The Paolos are being typically Paolish. I refuse to pay attention to them. Their flight takes off too, and unfortunately is not diverted to the center of a black hole.

Commercials. I know we're supposed to find that commercial where the guy flies his wife's whole family to Italy and re-proposes to her romantic, but I really want to punch all of them in the mouth.

Charleston, South Carolina. The first flight lands, and everyone picks a car to go to the Battery. The Linzes call the Weavers "team fruit loop", which is an insult to an awesome cereal. Also, show? It's Froot Loop. Get it right. Although it does warm my heart to see team after team express disgust with the Weavers. Flight #2 also lands. The Shroeders are first to the gazebo. The clue is this week's Detour: Forrest Gump or Muddy Waters. Wow, this is some truly stupid Detour-naming. If and when the race gets to St. Louis, do not name one of the choices after an overrated sappy movie, please. In Forrest Gump, teams go seven miles, get onto a boat, and de-head two hundred pounds of shrimp. In Muddy Waters, teams go 37 miles, get into a 4x4, and drive through a mud bog. My initial instinct would be to go for the shrimp, not only because I would hate any and all driving tasks, but because it sounds genuinely faster. Other teams have also reached the clue. The Shroeders and Linzes head for the shrimp, while the Weavers go for the mud bog. Flight #3 lands. The Pink Ladies find the gazebo and choose shrimp, while the Aiellos head for the mud bog. I love typing the phrase "mud bog".

The Shroeders reach the boat and get a quick lesson in de-heading shrimp. Char calls the lady on the boat "ma'am", so it's good to see she's only a bitch to Hunter, and not to strangers. They get started. The Linzes have a little spat, but find the boats as well. The Pink Ladies are right behind, and what the hell? Christine is wearing rubber dish gloves. In their car. Um...why? Whatever. The Gaghans arrive at the gazebo in sixth (mud bog!), and the Bransens are close behind. They choose shrimp. The Weavers and Aiellos arrive at the mud bog. Mud bog! They both get stuck in the mud. Bog. Mud bog! The Bransens are already starting their shrimp. The Paolos are at the gazebo and choose shrimp. More problems for the families at the mud bog. Mud bog! Back at the boats, Stassi is yelling at Hunter for not de-heading the shrimp correctly. "Hunter, let me demonstrate what you are doing!" she bleats. "Let me demonstrate how to shut up," he replies. I kind of love Hunter. Everyone laughs. I go back and forth on the Shroeders. Sometimes, they're genuinely funny. If Mark talked a lot less, I'd probably like them a lot more. Tommy Linz gives one of his unlucky shrimp (in more ways than one) a French kiss. The Pink Ladies snip at each other. The Bransens are tearing through their shrimp. They're glad to have found something they're good at.

The Gaghans have arrived at the mud bog. Mud bog! After their sixth failure, the Weavers give up and head for the shrimp instead. The Shroeders have finished their shrimp. Their clue sends them to the Charleston Visitor Center to sign up for one of two buses that will take them to a "mystery destination"; one that leaves at 3:00 PM, and one that leaves at 5:00 PM. The Linzes, Pink Ladies, and Bransens are done with the shrimp, as the Paolos get started on theirs. Mud bog! The Gaghans make it through the run on their first attempt. Ouch. That's gotta be even more embarrassing for the Aiellos than when they got passed in the Amish buggy. Back at the Visitor Center, the Linzes, Shroeders, Pink Ladies, and Bransens get on the first bus. Wait, wait, wait. Assuming the two-minute flight difference didn't amount to much, everyone except the Paolos should have been on a fairly equal footing upon arrival in Charleston. The Gaghans got through the Detour on their first attempt, and are still stuck on the later bus. In other words, much like in the first episode, one of the Detour options has zero advantages. Any team that chose Muddy Waters is automatically hosed. This is complete crap.

Now that it doesn't matter in the least, let's check in with the Aiellos! They're still not through the course on their 13th attempt. Why is Kevin still driving? Shouldn't someone else give it a go after you fail five times or so? David bounces around in the passenger seat trying to will the car forward with his body and grunting. He's hot. Blood Ray: "I'd like an audio loop of David's voice during that scene."

Commercials. Once upon a time, my mother pointed out that every single Country Crock ad ends with that simpering woman's asinine giggle. Now I can't hear anything else.

Poor, ineffectual Kevin is finally ejected from the driver's seat, and big, strong David gets them through the course on the 14th attempt. Mud bog! That's nice and all, but we know they're stuck on the loser bus, so boo. The Gaghans are just now getting the bad news that they're on it too. The Paolos still need to shut the fuck up. Even worse, now that the Weavers are in last place, it doesn't make a difference. I hate this episode. The Paolos are at the Visitor Center before the Aiellos (who arrived in Charleston a half an hour earlier), so there's another clue that the shrimp was way too easy. I hate this episode. The Weavers finally catch up. On the loser bus, Bill Gaghan joyfully yells "We're all in last plaaaaace!" and everyone cheers. Heh.

Phil lets us in on the mystery destination: Huntsville, Alabama, which is eight hours away. Once there, the teams will find their next clue. Care to tell us where in Huntsville they're going, Phil? I guess not. Oh, here we go. The clue is at the bus station, and tells them to go to the U.S. Space and Rocket Center, five miles away. They have to find a specific hangar once they get there. Hope you like the order that the teams leave the bus station, because there is pretty much no way that anyone can get ahead or behind from here on out. I hate this episode. In the lead, the Bransen girl who's driving asks where she should go, and one of the others helpfully points out that she should probably head for that giant rocket with all the lights on it in the distance. She must be the smart one. They get to the hangar first, and it's the stupidest Roadblock ever. Two team members get into a centrifuge and are spun until the pressure hits 3.2 G. So basically their task is to...sit still. I hate this episode. The only good thing about this segment is that Phil demonstrates the centrifuge, and is typically unflappable. His voice hasn't changed a bit, even though he's being spun and crushed by pressure. You show 'em, Phil. Elizabeth and Lindsay (who I only identified because of the subtitles) take it on.

Blood Ray points out that we haven't yet seen any points where teams are equalized by hours of operation. That's a good point. On a normal season, there'd be no way something like this would be open in what appears to be the middle of the night. Strange. The Linzes arrive, and we get the first, but not the last, shot of Alex staring out the window with psycho bug eyes. Aaaaaaah! The Shroeders arrive third. The Bransens begin to spin as the Linzes wait their turn. Well, we knew it was only a matter of time before one of the Linzes did the stupid sideways visor thing that was cool for twenty seconds in 1998, then thankfully sputtered and died. Might as well get it out of the way now. I hate the sideways visor thing. I also hate this episode. The Pink Ladies get to the hangar. The Bransens get their clue, which tells them to make their way on foot to Rocket Park, find a computer within the museum, log onto a web service that I am not mentioning, and get their next clue from Phil. So, since the centrifuge takes X amount of minutes, it spaces the teams out to regular intervals, so it's worth another mention that barring someone being struck by lightning or something, nothing can be done to change the order of teams. So stupid. I hate this episode.

The Linzes (Alex and Tommy) spin. Zzzzzz. The Shroeders (Mark and Stassi) spin. Zzzzzz. The Bransens find their computer. Phil tells them to go to the space shuttle Pathfinder, this week's pit stop. They're off. The Linzes do the same. Stop showing us Alex's psycho eyes! It's edited to look close, but it's so not. The Bransens hit the mat in first. The greeter is an old astronaut-looking dude. They win free gasoline for life. OK, now that is an awesome prize. I think I'd rather have that than the $5000 each of the individual Pink Ladies won in the first leg. The Bransens are thrilled. The Linzes are nowhere to be seen during this, but soon check in as team #2.

Back on the loser bus (remember them?), the Weaver girls are...crying? The hell? Why? Because they're so stressed to be on a bus and not to have gotten any sleep or whatever. Well, I'd suggest that instead of whining and crying they, you know, GO TO SLEEP. Linda says that she feels like she's a prisoner on the bus. So they're being chauffeured to their next destination instead of having to navigate for themselves, and Linda's upset by this? I hate the Weavers so much. I hate this episode. They begin to freak out on the bus, and the other teams are like "Great. Not only are we behind, but we're stuck with these fucking twits." The teams stop off at Waffle House, and the Weavers decide to trick the other teams into thinking that they're not stressed at all, really they're very happy! They proceed to do the worst acting job since Claire Danes in...anything, dancing around the parking lot with huge grins. One of the Paolo sons interviews that the Weavers have snapped, and I'd agree, except that I think the Weavers snapped a long time ago.

Commercials. Eat at Jack in the Box. Because stalking someone is funny.

Bus of Crazy. The Weavers are singing loudly, while the other teams are trying to sleep. Everyone completely hates them. I never thought I'd feel sorry for the Paolos, but there it is. The Shroeders are on their way to Rocket Park, while the Pink Ladies (Michelle and Christine) spin. The loser bus arrives and everyone heads to the hangar. The Shroeders check in as team #3. The Pink Ladies are team #4. The Weavers are first of the loser bus teams to pull the clue. In the car, Bill tells Billy that at space camp, they simulate weightlessness. Billy gets a face like "that is the coolest thing I have ever heard," then declares that he wants to do whatever task it is. I've really warmed up to Billy. When the teams get there, everyone realizes that it's first come, first serve. The Paolos pull number 6, the Gaghans 7, and the Aiellos 8. I am in so much suspense as to who's going to lose this week, aren't you? The Weavers check in as team #5. Phil clearly hates their guts. Linda gives an interview that "this is us. If you like us, great. If you don't, well, we're not going to change for you." First of all, 99% of people who have to give the "I don't care if you don't like me" speech are assholes, and know they're assholes. Secondly, there's a difference between "I'm not going to change my overall personality to please you," and "I'm going to sing loudly while you're trying to sleep because that's just who I am! I gotta be me!" It's not that people don't like you just because you're you, Linda. They don't like you because you're rude, stupid, and kind of crazy.

I hate this episode. This is bullshit. Why even go over it to any amount of detail (except that Bill Gaghan looks especially good while they're waiting their turn at the centrifuge)? The teams spin in the order they pulled the ticket. The teams get to the computers in the order they pulled the ticket. The teams check in at the mat in the order they pulled the ticket. That means the Aiellos are last, and they're eliminated. Fuck. Tony is proud of his guys. David and Matt are still hot. I can't even watch this another time.

Next week on The Amazing Race: A task takes the teams to a racetrack, which causes the Weavers to freak out even more than usual. The Pink Ladies have a fight.

So let's see. We got a stupidly named, extremely poorly designed Detour. We got a boring Roadblock that spaced the teams out to the degree that all of their actions were meaningless, and we lost a loving, functional, good-looking family so that we can spend more time with the loud-ass Paolos and crazy-ass Weavers. Gotcha. And no, I didn't hear the phrase "I don't kiss, I make out!" during any of the multiple times I viewed several scenes, and I'm not going back in to find it.

I hate this episode.

Overall Grade: F

How Do We Know We're Not Going To Get Shot?

The Amazing Race - Season 8, Episode 2

Previously on The Amazing Race: 40 freaking people took off from the starting line in the shadow of the Statue of Liberty in a race for a million dollars. The Gaghan family surged ahead. Blood Ray: "Ooh, I'd like to be gaggin' on Daddy" (i.e.: Bill Gaghan). Someone's feeling frisky tonight! Meanwhile, back in the previously - the Paolo family sucked so hard they turned themselves inside out. Teams crossed the Delaware River with a George Washington imposter and bickered so much that the real George Washington looked down from heaven and was all like "This is the country I fought so hard to create? Fuck that noise. I'm going back to England." At the Detour, Linda Weaver was run over by an Amish buggy, because God has a messed up sense of humor. The Godlewski sisters chittered their way into first place, and the adorable Black family (hee) was unfortunately cut loose. 9 teams remain. Who will eliminated tonight?

Credits. There's something very poetic about the Paolo family posing in front of a garbage truck. Commercials. The ad with the two women rhapsodizing over their chocolate yogurt is so bad, that it kind of goes through good, and back to bad again.

Lancaster, Pennsylvania. The Pink Ladies take off first at 7:57 AM. Phil doesn't mention anything about 12 hour pit stops, so I wonder how they're working that this season. The clue tells them to get to York, Pennsylvania to seek out the giant shoe. No word on whether there will be so many children that we won't know what to do. They're happy about being first. The Gaghans leave at 8:07 AM. Tammy says that the other teams probably thought they were just that team dragging along their kids, but now they'll be viewed as a threat. I think "threat" is a little strong, but they do seem to function well as a team. The Weavers leave at 8:08 AM. They actually fail to piss me off in the first twenty seconds, so maybe there's hope for them yet. Linda talks about how she needs to be the family leader now that her husband has passed away, and she thinks the race might help her take on that role. Not a bad idea. The Rogers leave at 8:09 AM. Hot Brock interviews that his Dad is in charge and they have to do what he says, but he thinks that all members of the family should have a say. This is all supposed to be very portentous, but I can't really concentrate on foreshadowing when Hot Brock is talking about "taking charge". Here go the Shroeders at 8:18 AM. Stassi interviews that coming in fifth place knocked some of the arrogance out of their family. Let's hope so. Hunter says "Dad, come on," and that may be the most we've heard out of him yet.

The Pink Ladies stop to gas up their car. In the Gaghan car, Tammy talks about being in "race mode" and having to focus, as Billy makes silly faces at the camera. It's pretty funny, actually. Maybe all my annoyance at Billy last week was just over-excitement on his part and over-suspicion on mine. The Pink Ladies yell at Sharon for going too slow. Because she's going to speed up how fast the gas pumps? Shut up, other Pink Ladies. Ah, here's the Weavers we all know and hate, begging Jesus to help them find the shoe (which is less than 20 miles away from their starting point). I don't want to come back to this again and again, so we'll just say it here and be done with it: God doesn't care how you do on a reality TV show. He/She/It has nothing to do with your placement in the race, your navigation abilities, or winning a bunch of money, and to think he does is pretty much the height of arrogance. Thank you. Weavers suck. Moving on. The Rogers are hunting for the shoe, and the Shroeders decide to try a shortcut.

The Paolos are leaving the mat at 8:21 AM (so really, just behind the Shroeders). One annoying son says that they have to look for Shorehouse Road. BZZZT!!! I can understand how the words shoe and house could trip you up when put together, though. They're so complicated. They begin to fight literally two steps off the mat. I fucking hate them. I'm ignoring them again. The Bransens are off at 8:24 AM and one of the girls says "Giddyap!". Ugh. The Aiellos choose "Fire it up!" which isn't much better. They're leaving at 8:37 AM. All the boys want to make Tony proud. Aw. The Linzes leave last at 8:45 AM. Megan is proud of her brothers and says they're not going to beat themselves up. Sure, coming in second-to-last is a total triumph. Yay, second-to-last! They need to wear less orange.

The Gaghans are first to the giant shoe. I am shocked that nobody brings up the old woman who lives there. That is such a wasted opportunity. Tammy sends Bill to get the clue. Carissa says she'd like to go get it, and Tammy responds with a surprisingly nasty "NO." I'm sure Bill would be faster, but was that really necessary? Tammy also calls Bill "Daddy", which is a little disturbing. She should only do that when saying things like "Daddy and I discussed it, and we're not getting you a pony." Or when they're doing it. Bill gets the clue, which tells them to drive to Washington, D.C. and find the clue box, which is around the reflecting pool at the Capitol building. The Gaghans consult their map and say that they need to take highway 30 West to 83 South. Hooray for subtle foreshadowing! The Shroeders are next to the shoe, thanks to their shortcut, and they send Stassi up to get the clue. I was thinking Stassi was pronounced Stacey, but apparently not. That makes her name even worse. The Pink Ladies are right behind them. STILL nobody mentions the old woman. I don't know why that is bugging me so much. Somebody say it! These two teams also mention 30 West. The Weavers find the clue, and finally someone says "it's just like in the book!" which is hilarious. That probably was the last book they read. Rolly goes up for the clue. Shades of last week return as one of the girls says "What state is Washington, D.C. in? Washington?". Yeah. I'm thinking the answer to this family is less Bible study, more Carmen Sandiego.

Hot Brock runs up for the Rogers family. He's wearing a shirt that reads "I [heart] [heart] Twins." Bleh. I mean, I heart twins too, but I wouldn't wear my "Ask Me About My Penis" or my "Catcher" or my "I [heart] Cock" or my "Sleeps Well With Others" shirt on TV. I swear to God all those shirts were gifts. I didn't buy them for myself. OK, I bought one of them for myself, but I'm not saying which. And now, a bunch of things happen in a row. 1) The Rogers decide that since this is a long trip, they need to switch drivers, so Hot Brock jumps in the driver's seat. 2) Denny says "I'm the navigator." 3) Not one second after he says that, he says "Now, have you been paying attention as to how we got here?". You just said you were the navigator! 4) Denny then gets all snitty because nobody is sure where they are, despite the fact that he's holding the map. 5) Denny: "30 East." Oh, dear. This is going to go down hard. The Paolos, Bransens, and Aiellos all find the shoe. David is excited because he's lived outside D.C. for three years. Oh, well I'm sure they'll have no problems then.

The Gaghans, Shroeders, Pink Ladies, and Weavers have found 83 South. To Baltimore! Yay! I was born there, so I'm excited about anything Maryland-related. The Rogers? Still tooling down 30 East. Denny tells Hot Brock that he's responsible for finding 83 South, which is bullshit not only because they'll never see it on the road they've chosen, but because there are three people sitting in the backseat doing nothing. Maybe Hot Brock the driver has to concentrate on, you know, DRIVING. The Paolos, Bransens, and Aiellos have found 83 South. David is still excited that they're going to a place he knows so well. He describes the location of the reflecting pool as between the Lincoln Memorial and the Washington Monument. Yes, there sure is a reflecting pool there. There's also one at the Capitol building, which you'll remember is the one the clue directed them to. Well, I'm sure the Aiellos will think to consult their clue at least once more during their 100-plus mile trip, and will catch their mistake. The Linzes find the reflecting pool they need on the map, and double-check their clue to make sure it's the right one. Imagine that. The Rogers finally figure out that something's wrong. Everyone in the backseat insists that Hot Brock has missed seeing 83 South. That's right, they have passed up their exit, and it's All! Brock's! Fault! They pull off and switch drivers again.

Commercials. I don't care if it is a commercial. No kitchen is that clean.

We're back with the Rogers family all angry at Hot Brock for missing the exit. Denny tells Brittany to consult the map (What? How would consulting a map help them figure out where they are? That makes no sense!), and she finds that they went the completely wrong way on highway 30. She says they should have listened to Hot Brock. He smiles the Smile Of I Told You So. Denny sinks to a new low: "I said go east on 30, and apparently I was wrong. One person can only do so much." Aw, poor Denny, with the weight of the world on his shoulders! Yeah, it must be tough to look at a map, choose the wrong direction, tell everyone else to figure out where they're going when you're the navigator, yell at someone for missing an exit that wasn't there, then disavow responsibility because you're just so darn busy doing absolutely nothing. Fucking asshole.

The Gaghans arrive in Washington and head straight for the incorrect reflecting pool. So much for "focus", huh Tammy? The Shroeders go to the wrong one too. The two families meet up and confidently say that clue must be around, since there are clearly no other reflecting pools in D.C. The Pink Ladies, on the other hand, took the bother to actually read their freaking clue, so they go to the Capitol building. The Weavers are on the right track too, and are first to the clue box. Boo! It tells them to search the nearby streets for a limousine. Someone in the backseat will hand them a briefcase that they have to take to the next clue box at the nearby Tidal Basin (the Jefferson Memorial). The limousine looks to be about twenty feet from the clue box, so perhaps "search the nearby streets" was a bit overdramatic, Phil. The Weavers get the case and take off. The Pink Ladies are right behind them. The Gaghans and Shroeders are still wandering around. The Shroeders ask a passerby about the reflecting pool, and he tells them about the one at the Capitol building. "We're morons!" yells Stassi. You said it, not me. They leave, but not before passing the Gaghans and miming that they have no idea where the clue box is. They're not my favorite family, but yeah. They have no obligation to help the Gaghans out.

The Paolos are running low on gas, and Marion suggests they stop and get some. She is overruled, as always. They hit the clue box in third place. At first I was wondering how on Earth they've gone from sixth to third, but then I remembered that that Gaghans, Shroeders, and Rogers have all gotten or are currently lost, so it makes sense. The Bransens are also at the wrong reflecting pool. If the Weavers need Carmen Sandiego, half these other families need Hooked On Phonics. I know that racing and navigation can be incredibly stressful things, and you might tend to get overzealous, but if I went on this show, the one thing I would make absolutely sure to do would be to read and understand the clue. Without the clue, you're...well...clueless. It amazes me how season after season people will be like "Go. Pool. D.C." and just completely ignore the clue from then on. They had a hundred miles to read it! There's just no excuse. The Aiellos (who have a member that knows D.C. like the back of his hand) also go to the wrong pool, though they manage to correct themselves pretty quickly. Still. Read! The! Fucking! Clue! The Gaghans are still lost and the Linzes go to the right pool, but one of them says "We're money!" so he's dead to me. They spot the clue box in the distance. While they're on their way there, the Shroeders find it (in fourth), so the Linzes are in fifth. The Aiellos show up in sixth, and we get another "we're morons" and another non-argument from me.

The Pink Ladies have arrived at the Tidal Basin clue box. Say what you will about them, but they're a smart bunch. The clue is the first Roadblock of the season. In this Roadblock, the chosen team member has to search around for someone (that Phil refers to as a "spy") carrying a briefcase identical to their own. Then they give the password, "The sky is blue." If the person they approach is a spy, they respond with "The sea is green," and briefcases are exchanged. The spy's briefcase has the next clue. There are fifty people with briefcases, and only ten spies. Also, I assume that with every team that finds a clue, there are fewer for the teams behind them to find, so that's kind of an added incentive to get there first. This is the smurfiest task this show has ever done, but it's kinda funny at the same time. Sharon takes on the task for the Pink Ladies, because the other three are so tired from...not driving. Jeez, Sharon does everything for that team. A couple of non-spies blow her off. Hee. The Weavers tell Rebecca (I think I can tell everyone apart except for two of the Bransen girls now) to turn right, but she misses the turn. They all scream at her, including Linda. I'm sure Jesus would be thrilled with the way she's screeching at her daughter. Since they're off on the wrong road, the Paolos find the Roadblock in second place. Ugh. They are really benefiting from other people's mistakes. Annoying Paolo Son (APS) takes it on. The first person he approaches doesn't respond to his password, so he concludes that the task sucks. Yeah, you failed to solve it in fifteen seconds. What a trial.

Sharon finds herself a spy. The clue says to get to Middleburg, Virginia and find Welbourne Manor (about 50 miles away). As Sharon returns, APS approaches someone and gets a "I don't know what you're talking about" in return. Hah! The Weavers find the clue, so Linda says "good job, sweetheart," because now everything is OK! Peace and love, y'all! Rebecca takes the Roadblock, probably to get away from the rest of her family. The Pink Ladies assure themselves that they're kicking ass, which is a bad way to tempt fate on this show. The guy I'm pretty sure told APS that he didn't know what he was talking about offers Rebecca a "Sorry." APS is still flailing (who would have thought he wouldn't excel at a task that involves talking to others?) when Rebecca finds her spy, but finds one of his own soon after. After the exchange, he says to the guy (who is black), "I love you, my brother." I honestly don't know if I hate him or Denny Rogers more. The Shroeders arrive, and Tony Paolo says that they shouldn't tell them anything. Like what? What information could you impart that they're not going to have in four seconds? Fucking Paolos! I'm forgetting my vow to ignore them. Let's get back on that. Mark takes the Roadblock. A non-spy blows him off, and he makes a remark about her panties being too tight. Yes, my sympathy of their Katrina losses is pretty much used up now. Hope they enjoyed it.

The Gaghans and Bransens are still wandering around at the wrong pool. You'll remember that the Gaghans were first to the shoe, and are now tied for eighth because they refuse to read the clue. Walter can't quite keep up with his girls. The Aiellos hit the Roadblock. David will take it on. The Linzes are right behind them. Nick will take it. Mark finds a spy and calls him "Pops". I'll touch back on the Paolos only because they are now out of gas and can't find a station. David and Nick are doing the stupidest thing ever, which is to ask the same person if they're a spy. What do they hope to achieve if they do find a spy? Someone carrying two briefcases? David does manage to find a spy, and Nick picks now to realize that he needs to find someone else. He runs up to a woman and says "The sky is blue." "Yes it is," she replies. Awesome.

Blood Ray: "If I were a non-spy, I'd be like 'The sea is gr.....eat this time of year.'"

The Rogers are finally in Washington, and try to get directions. The person they ask sends them to the wrong reflecting pool. Oh, dear. Denny takes this opportunity to make another crack about Hot Brock's driving, even though it's fairly clear at this point that it's all Denny's fault that they're in last. The Gaghans are still at the wrong pool, and Tammy and Bill refuse to ask anyone for help after Billy suggests they do. Oh, Bill. Good thing you're so pretty. Cause you're kind of dumb.

Commercials. If I were having lunch with Joan Cusack, I wouldn't answer my phone anyway; regardless of how many minutes I had left.

The Gaghans have been at the wrong pool for two hours. TWO! They've been there so long that the Rogers catch up with them there. The Bransens figure out they're at the wrong pool, and take off. Soon after that, the Rogers and Gaghans actually stop and read their clue. Whoopsie! They take off too. Everyone gets their briefcases. The Paolos are still looking for a gas station. The Gaghans arrive at the Roadblock and find the Linzes. Tammy takes on the Roadblock. "The sky is blue." "Beautiful, isn't it?" the non-spy cheerfully answers. Hehehe. Nick finally finds a spy. Tammy, perhaps taking the "spy" thing a little too seriously, is whispering the code phrase to people. Hehehe again. She finds her spy, and makes it back to the family before Nick does. They run for their car. Blood Ray makes a comment about "Daddy's" sweaty underpants. Hehehe yet again. After they leave, the Bransens get there (the Gaghans must have found their clue at lightning speed), and Walter takes the Roadblock. The Rogers are lost again. I believe this is the third time, so props to Uber Navigator Denny. Brittney leans out the window and asks someone for directions. The unseen person helps them, but the Rogers car never seems to go under ten miles per hour or so, so I have a hilarious vision of some poor guy running along the side of their car yelling directions into the open window.

The Paolos are lost. The other folks on the way to Middleburg hit a bad traffic jam. The Linzes consult their map and find a way around the crowded highway. I don't get them. They seem to be idiots most of the time, but manage to navigate unfamiliar highways with no trouble. Back at the Roadblock, Walter finds a spy. The Paolos and Bransens then hit the jam, and the Bransens also exit to try and find another route. The Rogers are just now getting to the Roadblock. Brittney seems to find a spy fairly quickly. The Weavers are first to Welbourne Manor. Linda manages to almost snap Rolly's fingers in the clue box. Detour! Heat of the Battle or Heat of the Night. Great, now that damn song's in my head. In Heat of the Battle, teams have to go onto a field on which a Civil War battle re-enactment is taking place, and transport five wounded soldiers on a stretcher to a medical tent. In Heat of the Night, teams have to roll an oil barrel to a work station, fill twenty lamps with the oil, then light them. When either of the tasks are done, they get a flag that they have to run down to Phil at the pit stop.

The Weavers somehow manage to walk right past the battlefield. How you miss a field with a hundred people shooting muskets at each other is beyond me. The Pink Ladies get there as well, and choose Heat of the Battle. The Weavers figure out where they need to go. The Pink Ladies grab their first soldier. Heh, I like how it totally doesn't matter which side's soldiers they rescue. They get a Confederate. The Weavers see them, and decide they'd be better at the lamps. Probably a wise choice on their part. They begin. Thanks to their master map, the Linzes get to the Detour third. They're going for the soldiers. They rescue a Union one. The Weavers are done filling lamps and take them to a bench to begin lighting them. The Shroeders, Aiellos, and Bransens (also thanks to going around the jam) all arrive at the same time. Shroeders - oil. Bransens - soldiers. Aiellos - soldiers. The Pink Ladies and Linzes are almost literally neck and neck as they cart their soldiers off. David talks about being a Marine and how close to home this battle hits. Understandable.

The Linzes are completely winded. In fact, a lot of the people who chose Heat of the Battle look wiped out. Why? If four people are carrying one person, shouldn't that be fairly easy? They finish up just after the Weavers finish their lamps. The fact that the Linzes are a little behind and completely exhausted gives the Weavers the edge they need to hit the mat first. Boo! The greeters are a Confederate and a Union soldier. Heh. Shouldn't they be shooting each other? The Weavers win a trip to Bermuda. They probably think that's in the middle of Canada. The Linz family is team number two. Jeepers. They did some good work with the map, but I have to say that they probably owe this one to a bunch of other teams making some horrible mistakes. The Pink Ladies are team three. Walter's having a lot of trouble with the soldiers. Again, what's so strenuous about this task? I must be missing something.

Commercials. To blatantly steal a joke from Friends, if I were going to see Elizabethtown, I'd need two tickets. One for me, and one for the guy holding a gun to my head.

The Bransens are still struggling. The Gaghans arrive and choose Heat of the Battle, which causes Carissa some worry. Tammy blows her off, much as she did at the beginning of the episode. Tammy needs to think less about the race and more about not being a bitch to her daughter on national television. Although, if I had a shot at a million dollars, I'd probably be a bitch too, so nevermind. As they carry soldiers, Blood Ray says something about getting fisted by Daddy. I'll never think of the Civil War the same way again. The Shroeders finish their lamps and check in as team number four. Tony is "wicked tired", but the Aiellos manage to finish carting the bodies of the people that symbolize a time when we all shot each other because some wanted to own black people. America! They're team number five, and the Bransens finish up as team number six. The Gaghans are team number seven.

The Paolos arrive and choose Heat of the Battle. The Rogers also arrive and choose the same thing. It's edited to look close, but I'd point out that we never see the Paolos and the Rogers in the same shot, so I'm betting it's not. Both teams carry. After finishing with one soldier, Denny decides that Renee (who's spoken maybe four words since the show began) can't do four more soldiers, so they're switching to the lamps. Hot Brock rips the bandana off his head in frustration. Yeah, no kidding. That is just game suicide at this point. The music tries to be all suspenseful, but come on. We know where this is going. The Paolos are, indeed, team number eight. I refuse to watch their little speech again. The Rogers arrive in last place and are eliminated. Let's get all of Denny's comments verbatim. This, in front of the family: "I made a mistake, and I led my guys in the wrong direction." Then, in an interview: "It's my responsibility to take the blame, if there's blame to be cast. The one thing that I always tried to show Brock, is you can't get to where you need to go in this life...casting stones and blaming other people for their misfortunes."

Yeah. IF there's blame to cast. You like that? That whole "Well, I don't know if it's when I told you the wrong highway, or when I told you that we passed an exit that we didn't, or when we went to the wrong reflecting pool, or when we clued in another team to the fact that they were in the wrong place, or when we got lost on the way to the Tidal Basin, or when I decided we had to switch Detours, but IF it's one of those things that caused us to be last, I guess I HAVE to shoulder some responsibility." What a fucking cockbite. And not only that, but actually chiding his son for being upset with him, when he spent the entire episode casting blame at Brock. You know, at first I gaped at Blood Ray when he said he's happy that the Rogers went home instead of the Paolos. But now I agree with him. Fuck off, Denny.

Next week on The Amazing Race: The teams get spun in a giant centrifuge at NASA. Maybe we can separate the Paolos into their separate components of asshole and moron. The Aiellos get their car stuck in the mud. Crap. Although I wouldn't object to seeing Matt lookin' all dirty.

Overall Grade: B-

Go Mommy, Go! We Can Beat Them!

The Amazing Race - Season 8, Episode 1

Previously on The Amazing Race: Jonathan and Victoria ruined an entire season. Then Rob and Amber ruined an entire season. Who will ruin the entire season this time around? Let's find out!

We open in New York City. Phil informs us that we're experiencing an Amazing Race first: 10 families (with 4 members each) will be racing for one. million. dollars. He also neglects to insert his usual "around the world" into this speech, which is a big hint that this race will never leave the states. That's not very amazing. I guess The Unremarkable Race wouldn't have been as attractive to advertisers. The teams are now making their way to the Fulton Ferry State Park in Brooklyn in doofy-looking water taxis. Let's get acquainted, shall we?

The Gaghan Family: Glastonbury, Connecticut. Well, I'm certainly gaggin'. Mostly because young Billy irritates the piss out of me the second he opens his mouth. His sister Carissa doesn't seem too bad (although she claims to be "not schtoooopid"), and looks disturbingly like Dakota Fanning. Tammy (the mother) says that the other teams will "underestimate" them. She also says that the entire family runs marathons together and that Carissa can run a seven-minute mile. They all run marathons together? I should call my parents and thank them for never choosing a hobby like that for our family. Bill (the father) doesn't say a word, but is weirdly hot. That'll come in handy.

The Linz Family: Cincinnati, Ohio. A team of siblings made up of three brothers (Tommy, Nick and Alex), and one sister (Megan). Their introductory clip shows them flinging beanbags at each other. Whatever. Then we see a shot of the brothers doing bicep curls using their sister as the weight. I'm sure that wasn't their idea, but that will not be the last of the oddly incestuous things we'll see from them tonight. Freaks. Alex says that Megan and Tommy have a lot of maturing to do. Oh, and he mentions the electric company, which instantly puts the C....AT....CAT! M....AT....MAT! bit into my head. Tommy retorts that Alex is hardly one to talk about financial independence, given that he lives at home with the folks. Burn!

The Paolo Family: Carmel, New York. Mom, dad, and their two boys. Tony is a sanitation worker and Italian, but I am not even going there. He's thrilled with his wife Marion and sons DJ and Brian. It'd be nice to be charmed by Tony's story about coming to the states from Italy and living the American dream, but it's hard to swallow once his family spends the rest of the episode acting like complete dicks.

The Black Family: Woodbridge, Virginia. Mom (Kim), dad (Reggie), and their two boys (Kenneth and Austin). Hee. OK, let's get this out of the way. The Black family is black. Yes, it's juvenile. Yes, it's still funny. I hate their coordinated tye-dye shirts. Aside from that, all four of them are completely adorable, and pretty likable as well.

The Bransen Family: Park Ridge, Illinois. Father (Walter) and his three daughters (Lindsay, Elizabeth, and Lauren). Jeez, I can't tell any of the girls apart. One of the Triplets of NotQuiteBelleville says that when the three of them get together, they tend to make fun of their dad. Well, that's understandable. My sister and I do the same thing to any unlucky parent that happens to be in the room with us, although I think these three would be better off making fun of Dad's haircut (if that's even real hair) than his name. Wal-Dur isn't really that witty, ladies. Might want to work on that before you hit open mike night at the Chuckle Hut.

The Weaver Family: Ormond Beach, Florida. Speaking of bad hair. At least with the Bransens, it's just Walter. This family sure shows solidarity in their fug. Widow Linda is traveling with her three kids Rachel, Rebecca, and Rolly. They named a child Rolly? On purpose? OK, Weavers. You've got poorly dyed hair and a kid named Rolly. Care to go for the white trash hat trick? They do. Seems the father was called home to Jesus a bit early because he went out onto a racetrack to collect some debris and was run down by a car. I don't know the circumstances of the accident, and I don't want to make light of their tragedy, but yeah. Speeding racecars are often found on racetracks in the middle of races.

The Aiello Family: Mansfield, Massachusetts. Patriarch Tony is taking along his three sons-in-law Kevin, Matt, and David. That's an interesting family dynamic, given that none of these four are related by blood. I like them on sight, and I swear it has nothing to do with the fact that I find Matt extremely attractive. Well, maybe a little. But they do seem to genuinely enjoy each other's company, which is more than I can say for a lot of these teams.

The Shroeder Family: New Orleans, Louisiana. And yes, I have heard through the grapevine that this family has lost a great deal to Hurricane Katrina. How can we make ourselves feel even a tiny bit better about their loss? By meeting them. Father Mark and his two children Stassi and Hunter, along with Mark's second wife Char. Stassi? Char? Did they just choose names by pulling random Scrabble tiles out of a bag? The Schroeders are supposed to be our designated dickheads, since Char describes the family attitude as "we're right and everyone else is wrong" and Mark refers to his toolishness as a "boisterous attitude". I say supposed to be because they shan't be claiming the title of Most Hated Team tonight. I don't know if that's a compliment or an insult.

The Godlewski Family: Des Plaines, Illinois. Four sisters (Michelle, Christine, Sharon, and Tricia). All blond, all loud. They also play the "we'll be underestimated" card. And they're all wearing pink, which makes me a little barfy.

The Rogers Family: Shreveport, Louisiana. Mom (Renee), dad (Denny), and their two kids (Brittney and Brock). Denny does not get off to a promising start when he describes how he's the authority figure cause he's the man of the house. They also say that they'll be underestimated (like...are there even any teams left to underestimate all these people?) because they're from the South, and so people will give in to their preconceived notions about slow-witted southerners. I would suggest to them that if they wish to fight against that stereotype, they start by not thumping that Bible quite so loudly. Also, Denny says that people view southern charm as a weakness. He's welcome to start displaying that charm any time now. Both of the kids are very cute; Brittney in a bubbly-cheerleader kind of way and Brock in a homina-homina-duh kind of way.

Criminy, that's a lot of people. Well, the sooner we start, the sooner we can eliminate some of them. Phil explains the rules of the game, with the addition that teams will not have to pay for gasoline in addition to not paying for airline tickets (another hint that they're remaining stateside). He raises his arm for the traditional "Good luck. Travel safe. [fourteen years of silence]. GO!!!!!!" The teams dash for their luggage, and I notice that Little Miss Seven-Minute Mile isn't exactly tearing it up, here. Everyone reaches the clue. It tells them to drive themselves to SoHo (by going across the Brooklyn Bridge into Manhattan) and find a store called Eastern Mountain Sports to pick up some camping gear. They get $150 dollars for the leg (and it seems like the camping gear will not be subtracted from this - what are they spending this money on?). Everyone piles into their ginormous SUVs. Billy (Gaghan) continues to bug by nonchalantly commenting that SoHo is a nice place, as if he brunches there on the weekends when he doesn't have any pressing business meetings. I really hope puberty knocks some of the priss out of this kid. The Weavers pull out of the parking lot first, and we're led into the opening credits with Linda celebrating their early lead by squealing like a goddamn pig.

Credits. These horrible "OK, everyone turn their heads to the camera...NOW!" shots have got to go. The teams hurriedly drive out of the parking lot and begin desperately searching for the Brooklyn Bridge. The Weavers have already lost their lead and are begging the Lord to help them find SoHo. Well, that was a quick slide from "We rock!" to "Help us win some money, Jesus!" There is really not much traffic around, which is pretty surprising. A few teams make some wrong turns, but everyone mostly finds their way onto the bridge without much trouble, though it's worth noting that some teams (like the Paolos) scream at each other about directions, while other teams (like...EVERYONE ELSE) manage to talk about their plans without having a complete batshit meltdown. The rest of the trip is a lot of interviews and intercutting, so we'll just hit the highlights: the Weavers call the Godlewskis the "Desperate Housewives", which is the dumbest nickname ever given by one team to another, ever. The Gaghans and the Linzes wind up side-by-side and agree to help each other find the store. The Godlewskis ask someone where the "town of SoHo" is.

Blood Ray: "Well, I guess if there can be a village of Greenwich, there can be a town of SoHo."

The Godlewskis get another nickname from the Schroeder car, the Pink Ladies. That suits them much better, although Mark follows up this comment with something witless about silicone, so they still suck. Reggie (Black) says that he needs the rest of the family to keep an eye out for the store, since he has to concentrate on driving. Kenneth says he'll look out of the left side of the car. Austin calls the right. They're really anxious to help and cooperate, and that whole family is just awesome. Plus? If I were straight, and Kim weren't married? Call me. In contrast we cut to the Paolos who are still sniping at each other. I'd say that they could not possibly need to shut up more, but I should pace myself with these twits.

The Linzes and Gaghans are the first to find Eastern Mountain Sports. They run in, pick up the gear that's assigned to them, grab their next clue, and run out. Riveting. The clue tells them to "find a frank on 91st between Park and Lexington." Phil exposits that they have to go more than 90 blocks to a hot dog stand to pick up their next clue. And who's manning the hot dog stand? Why it's Kevin and Drew, from Season 1! Why the producers passed up an opportunity to put Frank and Margarita there is beyond me. Maybe they didn't grow up listening to as many bad puns as I did. Thanks, Dad! The Godlewskis and Shroeders find the store next. The Paolos are still lost. The Paolos are still annoying.

Commercials. Buy the Season 1 DVDs and see Frank and Margarita! It's like they heard me 40 seconds too late.

The Paolos are still yelling. Yawn. I've decided to ignore them from now on unless they do anything of note. The Aiellos have found the store. So have the Weavers, who are ecstatic. I doubt I'd be as happy about falling from first place to sixth, but who am I to intrude on their joy? The Bransens and Rogers (I guess I should call them the Rogerses, but that sounds so goofy every time I say it - nobody minds if I flagrantly flout the laws of grammar this one time, right?) also find the store in short order, but not before the Weavers, still shrieking with happiness, knock over an entire display, then run out of the store. What are they doing as they run out? They're still screaming. The Bransens note this with disdain. I feel you, ladies. The Rogers come out and Brittney asks a local for directions in the most charming southern accent you could ever imagine. What is this strange feeling? It's almost as if my dislike of the Rogers family is slowly draining out. Of course, Denny hasn't spoken since the beginning of the episode. That may have a lot to do with it. Kenneth Black spots the store. Kenneth! That wasn't your side of the car to look out of! You're getting punished later! That puts the Paolos in last place. That puts the Paolos in last place. I'm sorry, I needed to say that twice in order to fully experience the moment.

On the way to the not-so-Frank stand, the Linz brothers all gang up on Megan, and Carissa Gaghan spots the highway they need. Man, the young kids are really pulling their weight today, what with the sign spotting. Except Billy of course. He still sucks. The Schroeder family is having some trouble with the now thicker traffic, so Mark says "Too bad we don't have any handicapped children we could push into traffic to block traffic to help us get ahead." The rest of the family laughs uproariously at this. Yeah, he's kidding. It doesn't matter. I'm not even offended on behalf of handicapped people. I'm offended on behalf of funny people. If you're going to denigrate other people, at least do it well. Char tells him that it's a good thing his mother goes to church; otherwise he'd be going straight to hell. Is that how church works? How many services does she have to go to to make up for one handicapped joke? If he tells a Pollack joke, does she have to go to more or fewer? The Bransens pass the Weavers. The Weavers? You guessed it. Scream. The Rogers are also catching up to the Weavers. Pop quiz: How do the Weavers respond to this?

The Linzes are the first to the hot dog stand. Megan grabs the clue. None of them recognize Kevin and Drew. Ouch! The clue tells them to cross the George Washington Bridge, and go 97 miles through New Jersey and into Pennsylvania to find Washington Crossing, where Washington...crossed. The Delaware River, that is. Carissa Gaghan jumps out of the car to grab their clue. They don't recognize Kevin and Drew either. Double ouch! Stassi Schroeder gets the clue. No recognition. Triple ouch! One of the Pink Ladies (who isn't Sharon, who is the only one I can pick out) gets the clue. No recognition. Quadruple ouch! Tony Aiello. Clue. Quintuple ouch! Two of the Bransen girls. Clue. Sextuple ouch! Drew watches them bounce away and says "I'd like to be on their team." Naughty! Brock (Rogers) and Rolly (Weaver) get to the hot dog stand at the same time. This time Kevin and Drew do a preemtive introduction. Brock and Rolly couldn't care less. I'll give that another two ouches. Octuple ouch!

Linda (Weaver) reads the clue, and is seriously confused by the word Pennsylvania. "I don't know if that means, like the state Pennsylvania?" she says. Oof. The Linzes stop for directions at a gas station. Gas is $2.19 a gallon. Ah, the good old days. They are also confused about the whole Pennsylvania thing, as are the Gaghans. Did all these people have to pass, like, some sort of negative IQ test before they were accepted on this show? It's Pennsylvania, not Liechtenstein. The Blacks find the hot dog stand, and I'm beyond the scope of my vocabulary for poor Kevin and Drew. Nontuple ouch? The Paolos finally arrive, and one of the boys (I'm not bothering to learn which is which) scores the first point for the family by knowing who Kevin and Drew are. Ah, validation.

Everyone has to stop and ask directions. I'm not sure how helpful any directions are going to be to the Weavers, since Linda is currently saying "Pennsylvania may be a state. I don't know. I'm just totally confused." Yeah. The only direction I'd give Linda is "Go back in time and have your tubes tied before you have any children so we can spare the world from your genes." They stop to look at a map a truck driver shows them. They offer to buy it and he gives it to them free. The normal thing to do would be to say "Thank you." But this is the Weavers we're talking about. "God bless you! Stick to the Lord! Do you know the Lord?!" Is she...proselytizing? To someone who just helped them? Oh, for the love of fuck. I almost wish I had been that truck driver, so that when she pulled that I could say "Yes, I know the Lord, and He just told me to tell you to give me my fucking map back."

First to Washington Crossing is the Aiellos. Yay! The Bransens are right on their tail. Semi-yay! Both teams grab a clue, which tells them to choose a rowboat (each with its own George Washington impersonator), row across the river, get a colonial 13-starred flag, row back, and observe a flag-folding ceremony. Aiellos rowing. Bransens rowing. The current looks really strong. Both teams do a good job, and are careful not to drag the flag in the water. The Shroeders are following the Pink Ladies, then get all mad when both teams get lost. Well, either work it out for yourselves or accept the consequences, dumbasses. Everyone's cranky.

Commercials. Oh, great. Another movie about golf. Those always do so well.

The Aiellos (I still feel funny calling them that, since only one is really an Aiello, but we'll go with it) are still rowing, and talking about "stroking it". Blood Ray and I exchange raised eyebrows, but that's just way too easy. The Rogers find the clue box. Yay? I'm still undecided on them. The Weavers find the clue box. Oh, this one is easy. BOO! The Gaghans find it. Yay, except for Billy! The Aiellos finish up their rowing just as the Weavers start theirs. Tony Aiello hands the flag to two more minutemen-lookin' guys, and talks about how patriotic he felt watching the flag get folded. Aw. I remember when I was patriotic. I miss it. They get their next clue. They have to go to Fairmount Park. Awesome! Oh, wait. They don't mean the horse track near here. They mean the one in Philadelphia. They'll be camping there for the night. Boring! The horse track would have been way better. Once the team pitches their tent properly, they get a ticket for a departure time: 10:00 AM, 10:30 AM, or 11:00 AM.

The Bransens finish up the flag ceremony. They're rightfully proud of being in second place. The Shroeders find the clue box, so they're in sixth. They jump into the river and start squabbling so uselessly that George Washington has to tell them how to do the task (his first hint: paddle together. Thanks, George! No wonder this country admires you so much). Brock and Rolly are once again neck and neck as they grab their flags. The Weaver boat totally takes off, leaving one of the daughters (whichever one has the worst dye job) swimming behind it, trying to catch up. Hah! The Rogers and Weavers head back and pass the Shroeders and Gaghans coming the other way. "How did they get here before us?" one of the Shroeders whines. Um, remember when you got really lost for a long time? Maybe then, genius.

The Rogers and Weavers head for Belmont Plateau (the campground in Fairmount Park where they'll be camping), still unable to shake each other. Brock is hot. The Gaghans completely dust the Shroeders on the river. You'll keep in mind that one of the Gaghans is a nine-year-old girl. Char tells Hunter not to dip the flag in the water because it's "sacrilegious or something." That's OK. I'm sure Mark's mom can just go to church until it's paid off. More beauty shots of the flag being folded. The Shroeders encounter no less than ten directional highway signs all right next to each other. The fuck? Maybe the Pennsylvania Chamber of Commerce can use that for their next tourism ad. Come to Pennsylvania and get totally back assward lost! The Blacks arrive and once again, one of the kids (I can't tell which) spots the clue box that Reggie has just blown by. Good job! Shots of all the remaining teams driving around lost. The Blacks aren't really doing a great job on the river, and Austin is on the brink of tears because he can't fight the current. Aw.

Commercials. I called dibs on Kate Winslet before Blood Ray. Sweet. Then he turns around and calls Bill Gaghan before me. Fucker.

The Blacks are still having river issues. The Aiellos are already arriving at the campsite. Yay! They find a bunch of bored-looking boy scouts. Love America! Love it! Are you loving it yet? Better say yes, damn it! The Bransens and Rogers are a bit lost, so the Weavers find the campsite next. Boo! You'll never guess what they do when they find it. They scream. Again. Some more. There's a bit of a mini-race to see who can put the tent up first, but the Aiellos figure out that the tent poles are color-coded and efficiently work together, whereas the Weavers don't know what Pennsylvania is. The Gaghans pull into the campsite in third. Nice job. The Bransens finally arrive. The Aiellos finish and get their 10:00 departure ticket (and are happy about it). The Weavers finish and get their 10:00 departure ticket (and are upset about it). It's the earliest time! Man, they're dumb. Carissa hammers away on her tent spike. The Gaghans get a 10:00 departure ticket too. The Bransens are done, but getting lost cost them; they're the first team to get a 10:30 ticket.

Kenneth and Austin are picking up their flag. The Pink Ladies finally find Washington's Crossing. Wow, they fell really far back. They kick the river's ass, though. The Linzes find it next. Even with three muscly boys, they seem to struggle significantly more than the Pink Ladies did. They finish up with their flag ceremony as the Paolos pull in, still firmly in last place. The Rogers get to the campsite, and the Aiellos help them put their tent up. Aw. So even though the Rogers got lost, they'll be leaving at 10:30 with the Bransens. The Shroeders arrive, and nobody volunteers to help them with their tent. Awesome. They're 10:30 too. The Paolos give their flag to the minuteman, and Marion rudely asks them to speed it up. Uh, oh. Duck and cover! Sure enough, as they jog back to their car, she drops the clue onto the ground without noticing.

Blood Ray: "See? Disrespect the flag and lose your clue."

They manage to almost get onto the wrong highway. Disrespect the flag and get lost! Although, they've been getting lost since they took their first step away from the starting line, so whatever. They realize they don't have the clue, and Marion squawks that they have to go back. "Un-friggin'-believable!" one of the brats yells. Disrespect the flag and be stuck with a shitty family!

Commercials. Portraying gas stations as wonderful havens and bastions of customer service may not be the wisest idea at this time. I'm just saying.

The Paolos earn their second point by remembering what the clue said, so they decide to go on without it. The Blacks hit the campsite to cheers from the other teams. They also get help from others on their tent. Suck it, Shroeders! Carissa hammers away at a tent spike, much as she did before. She really enjoys that. The Blacks will be leaving at 11:00. Sucks for them. They finally get a lead on the trailing teams, and now they're bunched back with them. Oh, well. Nature of the game. They're still pleased with how they're doing, capping it with a little cheer. One, two, three...BLACK FAMILY! That is still hilarious, by the way. The Pink Ladies arrive and also get loads of help with the tent. Suck it some more, Shroeders! The Pink Ladies say that they have chocolate chip cookies for everyone. Score! And the Paolos aren't there, so they won't get any. Double score! The Linzes finally arrive. More tent help. Carissa is back on the tent spike. Hehehe. The Paolos find their way to the campsite, and much as I hate them, that's pretty impressive without the clue.

Rainy morning. Ew. Camping in the rain is the worst. 10:00 AM. The Aiellos, Weavers, and Gaghans get their clue. They have to go another 90 odd miles to Brubaker Farm in Mount Joy, Pennsylvania. Amish country! I've been there. Good apple butter. We get some shots of cows to make sure that we get that they're going to a farm. Thanks, editors. I was confused for a second, there. The Weavers talk about how much they love God. Glad to hear it. 10:30 AM. Bransens, Shroeders, and Rogers. Char has a really ugly raincoat. Even that can't compete with the hat that one of the Bransen girls is wearing, though. It's like a powder blue newsboy cap. Does she think she's Carrie Bradshaw? Take that shit off. The Shroeders decide to follow the Rogers. Because following a team worked out so well for them before. 11:00 AM. Loser teams. That is, the Blacks, the Pink Ladies (Godlewskis), the Linzes, and the Paolos. One of the Linzes lusts after one of the Pink Ladies. I almost wish he'd go for it so we could see her shoot him down. The Paolos, you'll be shocked to learn, are fighting and already lost. More cow shots.

The Weavers pass some Amish kids and are first to the clue. Grrrr. And this will be our first Detour: Build It or Buggy It. In Build It, teams are given a bunch of materials and tools, and they have to build a miniature working waterwheel. In Buggy It, teams have to push an Amish buggy one and a half miles with two team members riding inside. The way Phil explains it, it sounds pretty balanced. The Weavers choose the buggy, as do the Aiellos and Gaghans, who arrive just after them. As the Aiellos catch up to the Weavers, both teams approach a downhill slope. The Weaver buggy begins to pick up speed, and they lose control, unable to apply the brake for whatever reason. Linda hits the ground and the buggy freaking runs over her. I mean, it looks like she was extremely lucky in that it passed over her without hitting her, but still. The woman whose husband got run over by a car just got run over by a buggy while her children watched. That must have been completely terrifying for them. One really has to wonder if God's as wild about them as they are about Him.

Commercials. Watch this crime drama on CBS! Or this other crime drama on CBS! Or this third crime drama on CBS!

The show is kind enough to replay the buggy incident for those with an extremely short memory. It looks like the Weavers are not only lucky that Linda didn't get hit, but that the runaway buggy kind of rolls up onto a nearby hill and stops on its own, rather than crashing into the nearby building, which could have been really bad. Linda seems to think it was a faulty brake on the buggy. I couldn't really tell if it was defective or they just didn't know how to work it properly. They interview about how scary it was, but score a point by shaking it off fairly quickly. The Aiellos pass them by, so they choose to ditch the buggy and go build the waterwheel, warning the Gaghans as they pass by to check their own brakes.

The Bransens are lost again. So are the Rogers and Shroeders. The Linzes seem to be on the right path, and one of them in the back seat reaches up and tickles whoever's driving (I can't really differentiate the brothers right now), under his armpit. Um, ew. If you're an adult, raise your hand if you consider tickling your adult sibling not-at-all creepy. Those of you with your hands up, please use it on the nearest phone to seek counseling immediately. The Pink Ladies seem to be doing fine too, both in directions and in not engaging in weird sibling behavior. The Blacks and Paolos are trailing. By some weird quirk, the Linzes, Pink Ladies, and Bransens all arrive at Mount Joy at the same time. In a fateful decision, the Linzes head for the buggy, while the Pink Ladies go for the waterwheel. They wish each other luck. Aw. The Bransens head for the waterwheel as well. In the Linz buggy, that...other brother cuts one, which cracks Megan up. Those of you who think it's charming when the sibling sitting three inches from you rips ass, raise your hand. Hey, it's the same people! And you're still crazy! We get another shot of cows, which I swear is like the twentieth one we've seen so far.

Meanwhile, the Gaghans are catching up on the Aiellos. That makes sense, given that they're toting two little kids, who are bound to be lighter than Tony and big, strong Matt. Ah, Matt. Hang on, I'm gonna just drift for a second... OK, I'm back. That was pleasant. Less pleasant is Billy Gaghan singing "She'll Be Comin' Round the Mountain When She Comes" in an irritating Western accent. Well, at least he's singing something from the public domain. That'll save the show money. The Aiellos look pissed, though I can't tell if it's due to getting passed, or listening to the kids merrily singing. Another shot of cows! Cripes. We're back watching the builders. The Blacks arrive at Mount Joy, and choose the waterwheel. Another shot of cows! The Gaghans reach the halfway point of the buggy course and turn around. A shot of a goat. Well, that's changing it up. Billy Gaghan says he wishes he could contribute more. Carissa: "Get used to it, dork." Hah! Awesome. The Shroeders find Mount Joy and go for the waterwheel. So do the Rogers. The Paolos are once again last. Well, I hate them, but I can take comfort in the fact that there's no way in hell they're winning this race. They choose waterwheel too. The Shroeders call the Paolos "the jerky team" or "the Jersey team", I don't know which. I'll pick whichever one is more insulting. The Linzes are having buggy issues.

Commercials. A movie with Jessica Alba and Paul Walker? Why not just show two hours of paint drying? It'll pull in more money.

The Linzes are at a standstill. They eventually get moving. The Weavers are done with their waterwheel. Huh? They started with the buggy, failed, came back, and built the waterwheel all before the team that started the buggy at the same time finished it? That's fishy. They head for the pit stop, two blue silos at Rohrer Family Farm in Lancaster, 17 miles away. The building teams are all still building, and it looks like the Blacks are significantly behind. The Pink Ladies are done building. OK, what the fuck? They arrived at the Detour in fifth place, and have now passed all of the teams that got there in front of them (all of whom chose the buggy), and are leaving in second place. There is absolutely, even given the Aiellos' weight, no way that the Pink Ladies should have beaten them. In short, it's an extremely poorly designed Detour, with the buggy having zero advantages. Speaking of, the Gaghans finally finish it. The Bransens are done with their waterwheel, and it looks like they take a wrong turn when they leave, though I can't really tell. The Aiellos are done with the buggy. God, finally. The Linzes are still buggying, and not doing very well, having to take several breaks for water. Over still more shots of cows, whichever brother was in the buggy and farted decides he has to puke. Since he's not the one doing any of the manual labor, I really don't see why. Motion sickness? Whatever. He's extremely impressed with himself afterwards. Yeah, you're uber. That's why eight other people, including two young kids, managed to go a mile and a half without rowlfing.

The Weavers thank the Lord for not being hurt in the buggy accident, and I totally feel them on that one. Of course, the second they do, they get hopelessly lost, so it seems that God still kind of hates them. The Pink Ladies are on the right track, but one of them (Tricia, maybe?) babbles endlessly and unhelpfully about what road they're going to, while the others are trying to discuss what road they're actually on. Shut up, Possibly Tricia. The Gaghans deservedly congratulate themselves on a job well done with the buggy. Back in the Pink Lady car, another sister brays about how blue silos are a popular color. They are? No, they're not. Shut up, Possibly Christine. The Weavers are being annoying again and the Gaghans are being cute again, but all for naught. Despite their bickering, the Pink Ladies have found the silos and hit the mat as team number one. The greeter is adorable, and seems fairly bemused at their squeals of joy. They win $20,000. Jeebus! They all begin talking at the same time, which I'd find more annoying if they weren't all sisters. My stepsisters do that constantly. It's kinda funny.

The Weavers and Gaghans pull in to the farm at the same time, and it's a footrace to the mat. They don't know they're not fighting over first place, but it's awesome to watch them battle for a meaningless position, since they'll be leaving two seconds apart on the next leg anyway. The Gaghans dust the Weavers. Nice! I like the Gaghans much more than I did at the beginning of the episode. The Aiellos and Bransens are on their way, the latter family worrying about being lost. I'd worry more about that goddamn hat, Bransen lady girl (seriously, they're indistinguishable at this point). Back at the Detour, the Blacks are still progressing very slowly, the Paolos are still fighting, the Shroeders are having some problems finding all their parts, and the Rogers are done. Yay! Wow, I like them a lot more than I did at the beginning, too. They take off for the pit stop. The Linzes drag the buggy. You'll remember that they arrived in Mount Joy at the same time as the Pink Ladies, who are now enjoying their 20 grand at the pit stop. Bad Detour + They Suck = Ouch. The Shroeders manage to get a part of their waterwheel wedged incorrectly.

Commercials. I don't know about you, but if it starts raining shoes on me as I'm walking down the street, I'm not going to be as happy about it as these morons.

The Shroeders work it out, and they're off. The Paolos are done, too. This Detour is 97 kinds of confusing. The Blacks arrived at the Detour in seventh place and chose the waterwheel, but have been passed by the Rogers, Shroeders, and Paolos, who all seemed to arrive a pretty long time after they did. Are they that terrible at the building? In the car to the pit stop, the Paolo boys yell at their mom for pretty much no reason until she starts crying. Tony does nothing about it. They're all so charming. I wish I could have Thanksgiving with them. So I could shove a wishbone down their throats. The Blacks build their waterwheel shittily. The Linzes pull their buggy shittily.

Aha! Through clever use of the pause button and CBS.com, I have decided that the Bransen girl with the ugly hat is Elizabeth. Aren't you glad? Shut up, Elizabeth's hat. The Aiellos hit some bad traffic. "This is incredibly nerve-wracking for a Boston driver," David says. Well, sure. The rest of us love gridlock. The Rogers have found the pit stop, and check in as team number four. Sweet. They made up all sorts of time. More shots of cows. The Shroeders hit as team five. The fucking Paolos fucking find the silos and fucking check in as fucking team fucking six. Fuck. Cows! The Linzes' gym-toned bodies are powerless against the awesome force of their buggy. COWS!! The Blacks finish up their waterwheel. Austin goes to get some water and falls in a little stream. He yells for help. I want to be like, "kid, just stand up...you're fine", but he's just so darn cute. I mean, look at him! Reggie comes and plucks him out of the stream.

The Bransens find the silos, having fallen from fifth to seventh. They are the worst navigators ever. The Aiellos find the silos, having fallen from second to eighth. I take it back. They're the worst navigators ever. The Blacks and Linzes are done with their respective Detours, and take different roads to Lancaster. Both teams are worried, but the Blacks are dealing with it by supporting each other, while the Linzes are dealing with it by bickering. The Linzes seem to spot the silos first, though they take about 40 years to figure out that they're blue. The editing makes it look extremely close, but I'm thinking it's not. The Linzes manage to hit the mat in ninth. Crap. The Blacks are nowhere to be seen as they check in. They finally arrive and are eliminated. Austin and Kenneth are clearly about to burst into tears, but manage to hold it together. That's OK, I'll burst into tears for them. I didn't, but if I were watching this alone, I probably would have. They all talk about how proud they are of each other, and how it was the opportunity of a lifetime. Oh, this sucks. I really wish they could have hung in there for longer.

Next week on The Amazing Race: Instead of watching the awesome Black family, we get to watch the Paolo family continue to do everything but the one thing they need, which is to shut the fuck up. The teams wander into a Civil War reenactment, and it looks like Walter might just join the corpses there. Oh, by the way? The answer to the pop quiz: By screaming. If you got it wrong, you have to wear a dunce cap for a week. No, make it Elizabeth's hat. That'd be crueler.

Overall Grade: B+