Finale - Part 2

Top Chef - Season 1, Episode 12

Previously on Top Chef: The final three chefs met in Las Vegas. The previously-on segment would like you to know that Dave doesn't like Tiffani. You know, in case you missed it in any of the other eleven episodes. The Quickfire turned out to be not so quick, as it was stretched into a full hour Elimination Challenge. The chefs were asked to rapidly prepare three types of room service orders. Harold didn't like the challenge, as it's not his style of cooking. You know, in case you missed that in any of the other eleven episodes. Tiffani's food wasn't up to par. Luckily for the producers, Dave screwed up by failing to prepare one of his dishes, so they were able to give him a guilt-free booting without having to resort to behind-the-scenes machinations, or needing to try and wriggle out of admitting those machinations later. Now, two chefs remain. Who will win Top Chef tonight? Will it be Harold? Or Harold? Sorry, I'd love to be in more suspense, but I have trouble believing someone who's been getting the bitch edit for three months is going to walk away with the title.

Las Vegas, Nevada. Traditional final two pissing contest. I can only tolerate so many "I'm going to win. Hyaaah!" speeches, and I've reached my threshold for this season. There's no pretense of a Quickfire challenge this week. We go straight to the big shebang. The chefs meet KatieBot and Ptom in Ptom's restaurant, which I will now avoid like the bubonic plague on future trips to Vegas, seeing as how much of a dickhead he is. Probably not what the show was aiming for. Ptom tells them this will be the challenge they've been waiting for. No kids. No microwaves. No gimmicks. Harold's eyes light up. The challenge is fairly simple, all things considered. Prepare a five-course meal for eight diners. The diners will be more influential people from the world of food, but since we can't just have those bores, guest judge Lorraine Bracco will also be included in the mix. Also, since nobody can show up just because they happen to like food or anything, there must be some bullshit book/movie/product to plug. In this case, it's Lorraine's line of wines, which will be served with the meal. The chefs draw knives to determine which MGM Grand restaurant they'll be cooking in, which doesn't seem to make an appreciable difference, but whatever. Harold draws Nob Hill, while Tiffani will remain in Ptom's restaurant.

KatieBot says that the chefs will obviously need some assistance with this challenge, so they've arranged for some helpers. Blind banana slugs living in Madagascar could guess who these helpers are going to be, and indeed it is Dave, Stephen, Lee Anne, and Miguel. Ptom points out that a top chef must be able to inspire other people to want to work for them. Kind of makes you think the woman who's done nothing but ruthlessly ostracize her fellow competitors may be at a disadvantage, huh? The four eliminated chefs are asked who they'd rather work for in this challenge. Dave selects Harold. Duh. Lee Anne chooses Harold. Duh. Stephen, sensing which way the wind is blowing, chooses Tiffani. Working off of absolutely no evidence except my own hunch, I think he did that out of a mixture of kindness and a smug feeling that choosing an unpopular boss would get him some more screen time, like "Oooh, the viewers must be wondering why I did that! Mwahahaha!" Miguel chooses Harold. Tiffani bites her lip. So Stephen will be on Tiffani's team, but Harold will have to select two of the three people who chose him. He snags Lee Anne with no hesitation whatsoever. Woo! He doesn't want to hurt Miguel or Dave's feelings, so he suggests drawing knives for the other position. You know, I give Harold a lot of grief for whining about challenges and such, but a genuinely kind person is really rare on reality shows, and usually when they do show up, they're female. I couldn't be happier that he's breaking the streak. Harold rocks. Whoever pulls Knife #1 will be on Harold's team. Dave and Miguel pull at the same time, and the latter gets the lucky blade. So poor Dave will be shuffled off to work for the woman he despises. Bad for him, good for us. Apparently, this split divides the chefs into kind of an east coast vs. west coast smackdown. Though I should really be pouting over the lack of Midwesterners, I can use the old born-in-Baltimore excuse to throw in with Harold/Lee Anne/Miguel.

The chefs have the afternoon to prep and order any supplies they want. Tomorrow, they'll serve. Oh, and somebody's going to win gobs of money and stuff. Tiffani tells Dave and Stephen she's really happy to have them both, which was nice of her. I think that comment of Ptom's about "inspiring" people to work for you has made her justifiably terrified. Dave interviews that he's "dealing with" his situation, but he's rendered speechless, because he can't really say "I wish I could shoot myself in the head right now." Harold's team is in a much better mood. They settle in at their restaurant to taste the wines and plan a menu. Yes, "they". He welcomes suggestions on menu ideas from Lee Anne and Miguel, which they both appreciate. Harold asks Miguel to do a version of his beef duo that blew everyone away way back when. They toast each other.

Over at Tiffani's restaurant, she tells Stephen and Dave that she's been thinking about duality in her life lately. Yeah, if I saw all my worst moments strung together on TV, I'd be thinking about it too. She goes on to say that she's going to take each course, and split it into two smaller (but still related, ingredient-wise) courses, so instead of five dishes, they'll be making ten. Stephen and Dave look horrified, but I have to say that it's a really good idea. Stephen interviews that the menu was very Stephenesque, by which he means audacious and inventive. I'd put the meaning of Stephenesque closer to "overcomplicated and pretentious". Tiffani says she'd like to start by preparing artichokes two separate ways. Stephen puts in that artichokes are very difficult to pair with wine, and that since Tiffani's got a more preconceived notion of her menu than Harold, all of the wine pairings are going to be more difficult. OK, then. In an extremely endearing moment, Tiffani weakly says "Dessert. Help." Aw, see? A splash of humility makes everyone look good. Dave volunteers a dessert recipe he was going to use for himself. Tiffani asks how he'd feel about being completely responsible for dessert, and he agrees to it. Dave interviews that he's going to work hard, despite not wanting to be on this team. Tiffani asks for general impressions of the menu, and both the guys seem fine with it.

Now both teams have four hours of prep time in the kitchen. They begin to collect ingredients. Both teams appear collected and confident. Ptom strides in. Boo! But at least it gives us a chance to hear the menus. Tiffani. First course - scallops two ways. Aw, I love scallops, but I'm allergic to them. Good thing I'm not one of the diners, as it's probably not an auspicious sign when one of your judges starts projectile vomiting. Second course - artichokes two ways. Third course - fish two ways. Fourth course - veal two ways. Fifth course - Dave's duo of desserts. I'm in no mood for cutesy alliteration. I'm never in the mood for cutesy alliteration. Ptom interviews that Tiffani's menu is ambitious, which could work for her or against her. Harold's first course is diver scallops with shaved fennel and ramp salad. Stop talking about scallops! Second course - olive oil poached bass. Third course - quail with herb spaetzle. I don't know that I've ever had quail. I think I'd like it. Fourth course - beef two ways, which Miguel is already working on. Ptom remembers how much he liked it before. Fifth course - trio of cheeses and a fig tart. Ptom interviews that Harold is playing it safer than Tiffani, which could work for him or against him. So either chef could win. Thanks once again for that marvelous insight, Ptom. Time runs out. Harold's feeling good. Tiffani's feeling good. Dave says once again that he's going to help Tiffani to the best of his ability, despite their strained relationship. We get it now, Dave. Thanks.

Commercials. America is asked to vote on who should be the winner. I predict a Harold landslide, somewhere around 70/30.

Elimination day. Harold slips white sneakers on over black socks. Any chance of him being gay just flew out the window. Shame. His team is cooking first. More blah about wanting to win. Lee Anne wants to help Harold as much as she can. Harold interviews that he appreciates the enthusiasm that she and Miguel have. Nothing but a lovefest on this team. One hour until the first course is served. Lee Anne addresses Harold as "Chef", which everyone has been using since episode 1 as a term of respect. There's something I learned from this show. Harold asks them to call him Harold, and interviews that he sees them as peers, not him as their superior. Lovefest! Tiffani's totally going to win, don't you think? Harold admits that he's not so great at schmoozing in the dining room, so he writes out his menu beforehand, and gives it to the servers. Good idea. Miguel interviews that he's "getting eerie" because things are going too smoothly. Don't jinx yourself, dude. He drops a pot or something, but it doesn't look like any food is lost. Harold asks him to use white pepper on something, and has to point out which mill it's in no less than three times. Miguel is a few chips short of a nacho platter, I fear. There's a shot of the table laid out beautifully, with Harold's hurriedly-written menu on each plate. He should have had Lee Anne do the menus. We know she's artistic.

The diners seat themselves, and Harold comes out to introduce the meal. Let's zoom through the judges. Gail, Ptom, and KatieBot, as always. Lorraine Bracco, of course. Also, there's Dana Cowin (from Food & Wine magazine), Hubert Keller (who apparently has way too much free time on his hands), Michael Mina (owner of the restaurant they're in), and Drew Nieporent (owner of the Blahblahblah Restaurant Group). I neither know nor care what a "restaurant group" entails. Harold compliments Lorraine's wines, which seems to delight her. He scuttles back into the kitchen, even more nervous now that he knows who's eating his food. He sneaks behind a table and whips out a hidden stash of airplane liquor. Hahahahaha!!! After a few swigs of liquid courage, he plates the first course. The servers serve. Looks like some blood oranges are included on the plate. I've never had them, but they sound fascinating. Michael likes the presentation, while Lorraine approves of the wine pairing. Get used to Lorraine being too focused on the wine. While I understand she has a special stake in that aspect of the challenge, it'd be nice for her to concentrate on, you know, THE FOOD. In the kitchen, Harold sends one of the waitresses out to eavesdrop on the judges' conversation. Heh. She gets out there just in time to hear Gail say the salad may have been dressed a bit too early, because it's a bit wilted. She reports back to Harold, who's very concerned at the news. Well, as concerned as Harold gets, anyway. Which means he furrows his brow a bit.

The second course goes out. This is the olive oil poached bass. KatieBot tells the other judges that the piece she got is mostly the bloodline. Ew. Michael feels the fish is underseasoned. Lorraine doesn't care for the wine served with the fish. HOW ABOUT THE FISH ITSELF? I swear, between this and her stupid "I lost a year to depression" commercial, I'm starting to think that Lorraine Bracco should just be Dr. Melfi all the time. In an odd criticism, Hubert feels the fish was presented upside-down. Huh? I guess Harold hears about these objections, because Miguel is trying to comfort him by saying that of course the judges are going to be the most nitpicky on this challenge. True enough. Still. Upside-down? Third course. Some cherries and foie gras have been added to the quail dish. Drew tells the judges he doesn't like the current trend of chefs undercooking quail. Hubert finds the quail a bit overcooked, so I guess Harold and Drew are on the same wavelength. Dana really likes the "classic" combinations of the quail's flavors. Miguel does some more "what are ya gonna do?" patter in the kitchen. Harold downs another gulp from the mini liquor bottle. Out in the dining room, Ptom has enjoyed the wine pairings, and Michael has liked the progression of courses.

The fourth course (the beef duo) goes out. It's braised short ribs and Kobe beef. The judges can't find a single bad thing to say about it. The eavesdropping waitress comes back into the kitchen and says as much. "Thank fucking God," Harold awesomes. Finally, the cheese trio/fig tart dessert goes out. Again, the judges have zero problems. Sweet. Harold enters from the kitchen, and tells the judges he's got his bulletproof vest on. Fire away. Hubert tells him about the "overcooked" quail, but that he loved the beef. Lorraine says she liked the wine pairing with the dessert. Dana enjoyed the progression, but wasn't overly pleased with the bass. Drew asks him if he cooks to please the guest or himself. This is a clear pageant question, and as such, should be absolutely no problem to answer. Harold knows exactly what Drew is looking for, and says that he tries to cover both bases. Drew is pleased. KatieBot thanks Harold for the meal, and says that they'll see him at the judges' table.

Commercials. I'm sure we all believe that Sarah Jessica Parker gets her hair color out of a store-bought box.

Tiffani's meal. Stephen and Dave are supposed to have come help her set up, but they're nowhere to be seen. A now-ever-mindful-of-how-she's-coming-off Tiffani says that if being late inspires them to work their asses off, then she doesn't mind. Tiffani, they can't hear you right now. You have every right to shred them in your interviews. For once, you have just cause to be bitchy. The guys finally show up, and Dave interviews that he and Stephen hit the town last night (several shots of Dave and Stephen drinking), and are still feeling it. There's something wonderfully incongruous about Dave and Stephen socializing that delights me no end. Even hungover, Dave wants to tear into one of the dinner wines. One hour until dinner. Tiffani interviews that she's happy to have the guys' assistance in whatever capacity. Whipped Tiffani is no fun. You've already doomed yourself, lady. Might as well allow yourself some final bitchitude. She says she had to tell Stephen everything three times. Hey, at least he has an excuse. What's Miguel's? She suggests plating the first course.

The diners seat themselves. Tiffani enters from the kitchen, and recognizes all the judges. She explains the duality inspiration of her meal, then retreats to get ready. The judges discuss the whole duality thing. Lorraine asks if she has to put her Dr. Melfi suit on. Please do. Ah, here's the Tiffani we all know and "love". Speaking of duality, I want to say at the outset that a lot of the things they show here to make Tiffani look bitchy are that odd combination of perfectly reasonable request and improper communication. She seems to excel at that. Stephen says something unintelligible, and Tiffani snaps that she doesn't want to talk at all until the first course is ready to go. See? Of course concentrating on the meal to make sure it goes out correctly is understandable. The lecturing tone? Not as much. The first course (scallops two ways) is served. The first preparation is seared diver scallop on squid ink. Interesting. The other preparation is scallop crudo with citrus (grapefruit, lemon, and kumquat). Tiffani explains all this to the judges before they dig in. When she leaves, they begin to eat. Hubert says the citrus kills the scallop flavor a bit. The squid ink emulsion goes over much better. Hmm, squid ink. This episode is making me anxious to try a bunch of new things. Ptom says that the unavoidable comparison between each of the two dishes may hurt Tiffani. Lorraine says she liked both preparations.

Back in the kitchen, Dave warns Stephen that they'd better not be caught socializing when Tiffani gets back. Yeah, that's not the attitude you want your workers to have towards you, bosses of the world. She comes back and tosses some salt on the artichokes, which Dave has already seasoned. Whoops! Stephen dismissively smarmerviews that she didn't even taste the dish before salting it. It seems like an honest mistake to me, but whatever. Dave goes to assist Tiffani in whatever she needs, and she tells him to take his glass of wine off the food line. There it is again! Request to keep an easily spillable liquid away from the food - great! Treating Dave like a six-year-old when he's actively trying to help - shitty! He interviews that drinking is the only way he can make it through assisting Tiffani, and thanks Lorraine via the camera for the wine she's provided. Heh. Tiffani returns to the dining room as the second course is served. Lorraine has gotten artichoke risotto with porketta. The other preparation is crispy artichoke with a dipping sauce, made with lemon/parsley/garlic. Dana brings up the same "artichokes are impossible to pair with wine" argument that Stephen originally outlined. Wow. The other judges disagree, saying that they didn't feel the artichokes hurt the wine pairing at all. What they do take issue with is that the risotto preparation completely outshined the other one.

As the team prepares the third course, Dave interviews that Tiffani didn't really want his help with several things, preferring to do everything herself. As a result of this, he thinks dishes and food sat for too long. The third course (fish two ways) is served. The first preparation is steamed branzino with ratatouille. The second is crispy branzino with black olive pappardelle. Want to know what all this food argot means? The internet is your friend. Tiffani goes into her reasoning behind using light sauces for all of her fish dishes, while the judges roll their eyes rudely. When she begins to retreat but comes back for literally four seconds to explain the wine pairings, Ptom throws his hands up as if to say "How can we possibly make you shut up?" The moment she's gone, the judges tell each other that Tiffani talks too much, and that the food is getting cold while they sit there waiting for her to explain it all. Interesting. Harold's menus were done because he wasn't confident in his showmanship, as far as explaining his food. But it looks like it was a shrewder move than even he knew. None of this exonerates the judges from openly bristling at Tiffani's explanations. They're doing everything short of tapping their wrists with their fingers, and it's fucking rude. Yes, I know I just said that. I'll say it again. She's serving you food. For a competition, yes, but she's still trying to make you happy. Complain about her long-winded explanations all you want when she's in the kitchen. To do so to her face makes me really, really hope none of these people are responsible for rearing children. Anyway, they hate the fish.

The fourth course (veal two ways) is plated. The servers bring it out, but before Tiffani joins them, KatieBot suggests (again, in an insufferably snotty tone) that they eat through her talking. Like that's some great punishment. The first preparation is saltimbocca (an Italian style of veal, apparently) with primitivo glace. The second preparation is veal with minted peas and spinach crema. Wow, minted peas? Ew. Once she's gone, the judges criticize her wine pairings. KatieBot points out that she has a sommalier on her team, so there's even less excuse. As to the veal, the judges give both preparations a solid "meh". Dessert is plated. Dave appreciates being left alone to do his thing with this course. Stephen gives props to Dave in an interview, saying how nice it was of him to give up his dessert recipe for Tiffani's benefit, and that he's not sure what she would have done if not for Dave. The first dessert preparation is bread pudding with a rum cocktail. The second is vanilla panna cotta with an amaretto cocktail. The judges love, love, love both of them. The chefs toast themselves in the kitchen, and Tiffani thanks the guys for all of their help. Dave cries, because he's so happy he got to cook in the finale. Dave cries at everything. I'll bet Dave cries when he's able to separate eggs efficiently.

Tiffani goes back out for the firing squad. Lorraine tells her she's got "a lot of balls". Drew lobs the pageant question at her. She answers that she cooks the way she wants to eat; that cooking to please other people causes one to fall short. That was an admirably honest answer. It was also the wrong one. She's not reading the room well, not that she ever has. Dana likes that Tiffani took risks, though she wasn't wild about the wine pairings. Dana is editor-in-chief of a magazine? I've never read Food & Wine. Is it as dull as she is? Hubert liked the dessert.

Commercials. The reviews are in, Hollywood. You can't really fool us into thinking The Da Vinci Code is a good movie now.

Judges' table. Gail, Ptom, KatieBot, and Lorraine enter. More of the "Tiffani took more risks" blather that we've been hearing for half an hour. Her artichoke risotto was wonderful, as was the dessert. Harold's beef duo was also a favorite. Ptom "wonders" who made Tiffani's dessert. Sure, he "wonders". He has no idea that Dave was responsible for them, thus giving the judges a ready-made excuse to choose Harold as the winner. Nope, that's not going through his mind at all. Really, show. We're not idiots.

The four assistants are brought in to provide some insight. Stephen is asked about his role, and he says that he assisted with the wine pairings. He also says that as much as he likes to rag on Tiffani, he really has to give her credit for the way each course was split. Lee Anne puts in that she really respected Tiffani for that as well. Gail agrees. Miguel and Lee Anne compliment Harold, saying that he understood how important their support was. Dave is asked about having to work for the chef that he hadn't requested. He says AGAIN that he puts forth his best effort no matter who he's working for. Asked about her attitude in the kitchen, Dave and Stephen revel in talking about how snappish and ungrateful Tiffani was. Hmmm....snappish, I'll grant them. Ungrateful, no. Stephen says that he and Dave should have been able to get away with anything, which I wholly disagreed with until Dave makes the point that the four assistants are helping to put cash in someone else's pocket. As such, they should be treated with more dignity and respect, and I have to say, I can't really argue with that. Ptom asks what role Dave played in the meal, but he's certainly not trying to draw Dave out into taking credit for the dessert. No way. Dave falls neatly into the trap, and admits that he did the dessert start to finish. The judges compliment him on it. Each of the four is asked who they think should win. Lee Anne picks Harold. Miguel picks Harold. Dave picks Harold. Stephen picks Harold. Ouch! They're dismissed.

Harold and Tiffani are brought in. Harold's menu was very conservative. He's asked why, and he duhs that he didn't want to shoot himself in the foot by taking a lot of risks. He apologizes if the judges didn't find the meal extravagant enough. Burn! Way to make them sound snobby, Harold. That was nice. Tiffani is taken to task for talking while the food was getting cold. She says she made the (not unreasonable) assumption that the judges would eat through all that. Harold is asked what he'd change. He chooses the bad piece of bass that KatieBot got. Lorraine is unhappy with Tiffani's wine pairings. Asked to choose a favorite of her ten dishes, Tiffani chooses the panna cotta dessert. Game suicide. You can see the happiness wash over Ptom's smug face as Tiffani takes pseudo-credit for a dish that Dave created. Ptom tells her that Dave said he brought that recipe in, and Tiffani says that they discussed it at length, so she apparently had some input. I'm not sure I believe that, but since Dave was on Tiffani's team, I see no reason that his dessert shouldn't count in her favor. Tiffani goes on to say that she really enjoyed having Dave and Stephen on her team, and Ptom lets her in on the fact that they chose Harold as being more deserving of the win. I'll admit I felt really, really bad for Tiffani in this moment. The moment before I remembered how she made it her mission to be as unpleasant and aggressive as possible towards her fellow competitors from Day One. She doesn't know how to respond, simply calling it "heartbreaking", which I'm sure it is.

Tiffani is asked why she should be the winner. She says that she consistently takes risks, which is sometimes to her detriment, but wonderful when it works out. That's basically all she can come up with. Harold is asked the same question. He says that his food has been consistently good throughout the competition, and that he knows that people need to want to work with the chef. You can't do everything alone, and he did a good job of maintaining others' respect. No argument here. The chefs are dismissed so that the judges can deliberate further. Hey, guess what! Harold played it safe, while Tiffani took more risks! I know! I wish the judges had brought that up before now. Harold's quail was overcooked, but the concept was good and the accompanying foie gras and cherries helped it. His beef dish was way, way better than Tiffani's veal dish. Here's something to chew on: Tiffani just got raked over the coals for using "Dave's dessert". There was not one single whisper of Harold using Miguel's beef duo. Not one. These people could not be more desperate to justify a Harold win. Not that I disagree; he deserves the win. I just want them to use fair reasoning to bring it about, and they're not.

Oh, here's some fair reasoning. "A top chef is someone who inspires others to want to work for them." Harold is the clear winner in that respect. In the kitchen, Tiffani tells Harold that it was really tough to hear that everyone thought he should win. "My back just ran into your knife," she drama queens. Where to begin? With the demonstrably false assertion that Harold somehow betrayed her, when if anyone should be blamed, it should be Dave and Stephen? With the implication that Harold is a bad person, and somehow hosed her by being nicer than she is? With the unforgivably smurfy tone of that cliche? Harold just raises his eyebrows and shrugs, as if to say "You want a cliche? Here's one. You made your bed. Now lie in it." Back at the judges' table, Tiffani is being lauded for taking more risks. We really must have fallen onto some sort of Mobius strip in the time-space continuum. RISKS. WE'VE GOT IT. Lorraine makes an interesting point when she says that she really doesn't care about all the backstage drama; the final product is what makes it or breaks it. That's understandable coming from an acting background, and fine for a guest judge. I have to think the main judges need to put more thought into attitude and such. All four of them have a clear winner in mind, though we're not told who they're thinking of. Want a hint? It begins with an "H" and ends with an "arold".

Commercials. Final tally of America's vote? 93% of the voters think Harold should win. 93%. Can you imagine the backlash against this show if Tiffani won? Looks like I was right after all.

OK, let's wrap this up. The chefs are brought back in to the judges' table. They're told that both of them are worthy of winning, but that there can be only one. Tiffani is congratulated for her daring and growth over the course of the competition, but her inability to work with other people is something that cannot be ignored. Harold's food is consistently good, with some extraordinary standouts. Plus, everyone loves him. In the funniest line ever, Ptom says that when it's all said and done, this competition is not a popularity contest. Hahahahahaha!!!!! If I began to point out the million and one ways that he's full of shit, we'd be here till Halloween. Suffice it to say: 93%. KatieBot says that this was a very difficult decision to make. Not to beat a dead horse, but come on. Twenty years of nothing but dramatic music and camera angles. I appreciate that this is the season finale. But I know who's going to win. You know who's going to win. Babies that are still in utero know who's going to win. Really, a Lee Anne/Harold final two would have been exponentially more suspenseful. But you just had to stick with your Bad Girl, didn't you? Sorry, I digress. HAROLD. YOU. ARE. THE. TOP. CHEF. He warmly thanks the judges. He and Tiffani shake hands and hug. He takes the win much like Chloe. Pleased, but not hysterically so, and I love him for it. TIFFANI. I. HAVE. TO. SAY. IT. PLEASE. PACK. YOUR. KNIVES. AND. GO. She and Harold share a sincere good-bye.

Final interview. Tiffani says that it's been a "long fucking road", and to come so close and not win is really tough. She begins to cry as she ruminates on how great it would have been to have money to travel and pay off her debts, which is not really the point of the prize money, but I would have spent it in exactly the same way. Her tear-stained face makes me feel bad for her again, and I want to reiterate that while she certainly deserved to lose for the way she acted as a competitor, I would likely have few qualms with her as a person. I just hope she learned a little something from this experience about how to treat others -- even when you're trying to beat them at something.

The four assistants are brought back in to celebrate with Harold. He hugs everyone, and says he's overwhelmed, which is code for "I don't really feel like making some bullshit winner speech." Woo! He says he's going to put the prize money towards his own restaurant in New York, and even pledges to call his fellow castmates in for help in its execution. Classy to the end.

Overall Grade: B+

So, Top Chef. Inaugural seasons are hard to call, because you never know if the show is going to get better over time (Project Runway) or worse (America's Next Top Model). If I give the season a C, will I think more kindly of it if the next one sucks rocks? This show certainly has plenty to improve upon. I know asking for a new hostess and new judges is like crying for the moon, but I have to try. The judging was far and away the worst thing about the show. Ptom is an egotistical asshole, KatieBot has the charisma of a Saltine, and Gail is...well, I don't have much of a problem with Gail. I'd probably like her more if she were grouped with different people. That's a big stumbling block as far as enjoying the show overall. Disliking the judges is not the same thing as disliking a particular challenge. At least a sucky challenge is dispensed with in one episode. Also, the consistent bringing in the top three, then the bottom three -- combined with showing who winds up at the table in the episode previews -- killed a lot of suspense. Really, the entire judging aspect of the show needs to be overhauled.

Still, there was plenty to love about Top Chef, and they got a lot right for their first try at this. The casting was far better than I thought it was going to be when I first heard about these particular contestants. Ken was a bad idea, but at least it was a mistake that was quickly rectified. Tiffani and Stephen were engaging villains. Lee Anne, Andrea, Cynthia, and Lisa had me in their cheering sections, and Harold was a likable and deserving winner. Most of the guest judges were articulate and fair. Most of the challenges were creative and well-planned. That's nothing to sneeze at.

There's just that fucking Ptom.

Overall Season Grade: B+

Finale - Part 1

Top Chef - Season 1, Episode 11

Previously on Top Chef: I prefer not to give the introduction the show does, because it sucks. Here's what really happened previously: Twelve chefs gathered in San Francisco to get BRAVO some viewers while Project Runway took a rest. Ken was convinced that being a loudmouthed, obnoxious asshole would garner him all sorts of attention and stir up controversy for weeks. He was wrong, and was punted immediately. That may be the best thing that happened all season. The chefs went on to create sexy desserts, and Andrea's poor presentation skills got her canned. In the third episode, Cynthia withdrew from the competition to tend to her dying father, so Andrea was reinstated. Candice and Stephen threw down, while Tiffani and Harold made me want to throw up by disdaining the very people they were supposed to be pleasing. Brian got eliminated, and it doesn't speak well of him that his booting was the least interesting thing to happen that week. Next, the chefs had to create food purchased at a gas station and food prepared in a microwave. Candice's inexperience and a snobby guest judge caught up with her and she was sent on her way. The next week, the chefs had to team up to create fusion street food, and we were forced to bid good-bye to the wonderfully wonderful Lisa. That was a rough one. Harold agreed with me, almost bursting into tears as she left, which almost made up for all the whining he did about challenges. The chefs then collaborated on one large meal. Andrea's lack of competitive drive got her eliminated for the second time. This time I was sorry to see her go. The chefs then set up restaurant space, and Miguel couldn't hide the fact that he's kind of incompetent any longer. Then came the horrible, moronic, bullshit wedding reception challenge, the only redeeming characteristic of which is that the pedantic blowhard Stephen got eliminated. Finally, the chefs prepared a pricy meal for some discriminating judges and Lee Anne got eliminated. Damn it. Oh, and also all of the judges suck except for Gail, who seems to be kind of a non-entity. Now, three chefs remain. Harold: The earnest, likable young man who has an unfortunate tendency to resent the fact that he's...on a reality show. Dave: The emotional, chaotic chef who will cry or snarl at the drop of a hat, but who excels at making tasty, familiar food, and who seems to derive genuine joy from cooking. Tiffani: The brash, aggressive chef who has spectacular talent, imagination, and drive, but who turns people off with her prickly attitude. Who will win Top Chef? Well, nobody tonight. It ain't called "Part 1" for nothing.

Las Vegas, Nevada. I've been there! And I was only drunk, gambling, or slobbering over hot guys, like, 50% of the time! Dave is driven up to the MGM Grand hotel. He's happy to have won the Napa challenge, and looking forward to the end of the Top Chef experience (in more ways than one, I suspect). Huh. I wonder how short Dave is, because the manager and valet who greet him at the hotel tower over him. No judgement -- I'm extremely short myself -- I'm just curious. He's shown into the penthouse suite, which is enormous and beautiful. You're know you're in good hands when your room has a pool table. Harold is the next to pull up to the hotel. He's ready to get to the final challenge, ready to win, blah blah blah. It's the same speech you hear from the finalists on every show ever. He hugs Dave and they get to exploring the place and kicking back with some wine. Nice. Dave interviews that he was happy to see Harold. Tiffani? Not so much. He goes on to say that she treats people like shit, but has the diplomacy to add the qualifier "in the kitchen" at the end of it. It was kind of him to not completely dismiss her. Speaking of Tiffani, here she is pulling up. Harold and Dave are upstairs hoping she won't show up tonight, but their hopes are quickly dashed. Heh, this is almost exactly what happened with Danzzz, Chloe, and Santino. She enters the suite and hugs the guys. Then, this confusing tidbit: "I'm a different person. Were it not for me seeing myself on television, I may not have ever had that wake-up call in my life. I haven't lost any intensity. I haven't lost any edge. The truth is I don't live my life with regrets. I think everything leads you to your next path."

Um. Aren't the two parts of that speech diametrically opposed? If you get a "wake-up call", it means you want to make a change in how you live your life. That implies regret. It's like she started out by trying to apologize for her TV persona, but then slipped right back into...her TV persona. Odd. Anyway, she says that she's gotten a lot of response, both positive and negative, but pulls that asshole move where people who say they've gotten criticized for the way they acted on TV claim it's because their detractors "don't understand" them. They understand you, dear. They just don't like you. Dave says basically the same thing, that Tiffani hiding her attitude behind her competitive drive is "contrived". He's nailed it. He wishes Lee Anne could have been in the finals, and man, do I hear him on that one. He tells the other chefs that when he returned from the show, the restaurant he worked at had closed, so now he's broke and unemployed. Yikes, that sucks. Tiffani says she's been working a lot, and interviews that if she wins, she'd like to explore the world and its food. That does sound awesome. Harold says that he went home from Napa and opened his own restaurant. Hey, good for him. Obviously, winning the show and the money would be a terrific boost for that endeavor. The chefs head off to bed, Dave pausing to answer some fan mail on his computer. Heh. I've got it freeze-framed on the letter he's answering. Part of it is cut off, but the visible part reads "We have been following you on Top Chef...Stephen? He is so pretentious and condesc....Oh, and Tiffany [sic]...where do these people...on!!!" Hehehe. Someone's ticked off! What kind of loser goes online and waxes intellectual about the reality show contestants he likes and dislikes? Wait, don't answer that.

Morning. Blah blah anxious about challenge. Blah blah want to win. Quickfire time. The chefs head to a kitchen where they meet the judges. KatieBot reintroduces Ptom (BOO!), Gail (meh), and the very first guest judge, Hubert Keller. She goes on to say that this will not be a traditional Quickfire Challenge. It will include the rushed elements of a Quickfire, but will really be an Elimination Challenge. Only two chefs will proceed to the actual finale. Surprising. The chefs are non-plussed, and for good reason. You go through all the challenges, go home for a while, watch yourself act like a doof on TV, come back, and get cut almost instantly? Ouch.

Commercials. Does anyone like these ads for the new Yaris cars? Because I find them mildly disturbing.

OK, so. Elimination Challenge. KatieBot says that the challenge will be to cater to varied and specific customer requests in a short space of time. That's right, it's room service. The chefs will get the same room service orders, and there will be three of them. The chefs will have half an hour to throw each order together, and the results will be placed on color-coded napkins. Dave will be black, Tiffani has burgundy, and Harold has teal. A judge will accompany the food to its customer and report back on how they liked everything. KatieBot gives them ten minutes to familiarize themselves with the equipment and supplies available in the kitchen. There's a lot. Tiffani and Harold interview that they've gotten used to really limited supplies for the challenges, and now there's actually an overabundance of choices. Dave interviews that he's not an on-the-fly chef. Harold interviews...you'll never guess what. That this is not his style of challenge! I like Harold. In fact, with Lee Anne gone, I'm actively rooting for him to win. That said? Harold? GET OVER YOURSELF.

Time for the first order. There are three high-rollers in the VIP suite, and they want two seafood courses, one hot and one cold. The thirty minutes starts counting down. Dave is frantic and hysterical. Tiffani is intense and methodical. Harold is laid-back and flexible. I fail to fall off of my couch in wonder. Harold says that his best bet as far as a hot seafood dish will be a mussel and paprika soup, and is making a thin-sliced snapper plate for his cold dish. Ptom is surprised that nobody's using caviar or the available Kobe sirloin to make a surf and turf. Well, Ptom, I'm surprised you can walk down the street without someone pushing you in front of a bus, so I guess it's wonder aplenty. Tiffani's using lobster for her hot dish, and raw carpaccio for the cold. Pretentious Chef to English dictionary. Carpaccio. Noun. Technically, a raw dish made of thinly sliced beef or tuna. Lately, its use has expanded to include any dish that is served in thin slices, from apples to zucchini, and to include several levels of doneness, from raw to fully cooked. Dave is throwing together some crab and prawn for his cold dish, with cinnamon/nutmeg opah for the hot. Those both sound good.

Everyone plates their food, and time runs out. The carts are taken upstairs, accompanied by Hubert. And hey, look who the high rollers are. It's Lee Anne, Stephen, and Miguel. Whoa, Lee Anne. That's quite a rack you're sporting, there. Speaking of clothes, does Miguel ever take that beret off? Stephen is obviously delighted to be a guest judge and have power over the chefs. Lee Anne is mostly just amused by it. I'm glad the chefs' food is color-coded and not presented by name, because I do want the chefs to get a fair shake and not have their personalities cloud the judging. Although if that were the case, Ken may have stuck around a lot longer than he did, so I should probably shut up. They start with the black table (Dave). They like the flavor of both dishes a lot, but feel neither is really sophisticated enough for the "high rollers" they're portraying. The opah could have used a sauce, and the lack of caviar is noted again. Next up is the burgundy cart (Tiffani). Lee Anne takes issue with the way the carpaccio is placed all to the side of the plate. That sounds like a tiny hair to split, but she's right, in that it makes it look like you're getting about two bites of food. Stephen likes the lobster, but feels it's underseasoned. Finally, teal (Harold). His snapper plate is very pretty and makes good use of flavor and texture. They feel it could use a bit of acidic flavor, but that's a minor quibble. They also like the soup, though they think it's a bit sparse for an entree. Stephen says for about the thousandth time that the chefs needed to think more about the fact that the dishes were coming to "high rollers". He's technically right, but you can tell he's enjoying his fake power status far too much. Overall, it looks like Harold's food is the most liked.

Second order. This is for poker players. The chefs have half an hour to prepare a fast food platter with four different types of snacks. Ptom wastes the audience's time some more. I won't inflict his pointless drivel on you. Tiffani thinks she'll do well because she does play poker in the poker rooms of Vegas. Dave is more anxious, because it's been a while since he's been forced to cook under such intense time limits. Harold thinks that the food doesn't need to be pretty or inventive for this order; card players would rather think about their game than their food, so as long as it tastes good, he's golden. In a normal situation, I'd agree with him, but most food prepared for poker players isn't being judged by a panel of critics. He says he just threw together a platter that you could find at any TGI Friday's. Onion rings, mini-pizzas, mini-grilled cheese sandwiches, and chicken wings. The chicken wings and onion rings are pre-prepared except for the frying, but he does make his own honey-mustard sauce for the wings and beer batter for the rings. Tiffani's going the more sophisticated route, frying three different types of potatoes into four different kinds of gourmet chips. She's also doing some goat cheese on crackers, brie and tomato sandwiches, and some herbed grissini with prosciutto. Dave's taking the middle ground. Fried eggrolls, chocolate-covered strawberries, fried shrimp, and a sundried tomato panini sandwich. Those all sound very functional and tasty. Tiffani's surprised at how uninventive Harold's platter is.

Commercials. I have no interest in watching celebrities play cards, but I will say that Jennifer Tilly rocks my world.

Gail accompanies the carts out to the poker tables. One of the players is a professional poker player whom I've never heard of. I love playing cards, but don't really think anyone deserves to be famous for being good at them. Plus, take your sunglasses off, douchebag. Gail briefly describes the food to the players. They eat Dave's first. Everyone loves his stuff. Tiffani's food is next. The players can't really eat her food without a fork, so it's not as functional as it should be. Also, her food is too fancy. One of the players describes himself as not sophisticated enough to really appreciate it. Yeah, the focus should be on the card game, so you don't really want food that needs a lot of attention. Harold's food. Everyone is completely in love with the chicken wings, and likes that his food is easy to eat. Taking all four dishes into consideration, Dave is the clear winner, but Harold's wings are the standout single appetizer. Things aren't looking good for Tiffani.

Third order. The customers this time are performers at the Cirque de Soleil theater. They will be getting three plates of high-carb, high-protein, low-fat food. I like this challenge. The three orders have all been very different and are good tests of the chefs' creativity, adaptability, and instincts. Tiffani says that half an hour for a high-protein meal is not really long enough to do a proper job. I'll take her word for it. Also, is she wearing a ring? While she slices up bloody meat? That seems like it would be uncomfortable and impractical. Whatever floats her boat, I guess. Harold remembers that people about to run a marathon tend to go for pasta, so he's leaning towards that. Dave chooses a Kobe tenderloin and is making a balsamic brown sugar/fig reduction in some garlic. Any dish where you can taste a nice amount of brown sugar is going to be aces in my book. He's also using some pasta and is making a complicated marinara sauce to go on top of it. Harold is using lobster with his pasta, is also working with Kobe beef, and is preparing a roasted chicken with gnocchi and mushrooms for the third plate. Tiffani also gets some Kobe beef, though she's thankfully too busy to throw a fit about what a copycat everyone else is. Ptom is surprised that everyone's using it, because although it has high protein, it's also very fatty. Tiffani's also made some sort of blueberry salad (which sounds really good) and unbreaded pork. As time winds down, Dave brushes by Harold and notices his dishes. It's at this point that he realizes that they needed to make three, but he misunderstood the original instructions and only made two. There's no time to make a third, so he knows he's fucked.

Ptom accompanies the food to the theater. Acrobats fly around, leaping and flipping up to the cart of food. It looks almost exactly like the monkey swarm. He describes the food, and everyone digs in. Harold's cart is up first. It's received well. One of the performers really likes the variety, what with the lobster and beef and chicken. Plus, his food conforms well to the nutrition parameters laid out. Dave's cart is next. His dishes have no oil in them, so that cuts down on the fat content. Good idea. Apart from that and the lovely sauce he's made for the Kobe tenderloin, this is beef and pasta. Snore. The performers do like the flavor of both dishes, though. Tiffani's blueberry salad is even more impressive than I originally thought, because it also incorporates crab, caviar, blood orange vinaigrette, and olive oil. I would really, really like to know how to make that, because it sounds awesome. Her pork dish has some mushrooms on the side, and the Kobe rib eye has most of the fat trimmed off. One of the performers thinks the pork is a little rubbery. Another thinks the salad is too fishy.

The chefs wait in the kitchen. Miguel, Lee Anne, and Stephen stride in. Harold's like "here comes trouble". I almost think he was wondering if this was another hellish twist to the challenge. Miguel tells the chefs that they were the high rollers they were cooking for in the first part of the challenge. None of the chefs is thrilled to hear this. Dave interviews that all three of them can be very critical, especially Stephen. Yeah, no kidding. Tiffani interviews that she knew she'd be seeing the ghosts of eliminated contestants at some point, but didn't know in what capacity. You'd think she'd have been nicer to them if that was the case, because you never know what kind of power old contestants will hold over you, and the last thing you want them to be is bitter towards you. Lee Anne asks how they think they did. Tiffani thinks all three of them did well. Lee Anne takes this as an ass-covering copout answer, sniping that they're in the final three (and implying that Tiffani needs to cut the pageant speech crap). I really didn't see that attitude in Tiffani's answer, and it's making Lee Anne look uncharacteristically snide. Don't burst my bubble about how cool you are, Lee Anne. It's a short walk to the shit list. Dave tells them that the Quickfire is an Elimination Challenge, which the eliminated chefs certainly didn't know. They have shocked looks for a few seconds, then Lee Anne inserts a neatly placed "That sucks." Hahahahaha!!!! Welcome back, Lee Anne. Miguel tells them that they've seen better food throughout the competition than the food he was served. Tiffani takes this as jealousy on his part that he's not in the finals, and I'm not sure I disagree with her. She and Harold point out how easy it is to step outside the game and point the critical finger. Miguel harps on the food some more, then says that he's not trying to play mind games, just asking them questions. Either that's a load of horseshit or his "questions" are rude and unnecessary. Either way it cuts, Miguel sucks.

Commercials. Spray a bunch of Clorox all over your food. Come on, it's good for you!

Judges' table. The judges, including Hubert, seat themselves. KatieBot seems more invested in this challenge, to the point where she sounds almost human. Hubert feels that Harold did the best job for the first order. It had good presentation and flavor. Dave's was too unfocused, and Tiffani's was too simplistic. Gail says she had fun at the poker table. I've never gotten the impression that Gail has fun at anything. In fact, I think that may be my biggest overall problem with the judges. They're so joyless. They don't really seem to care about the chefs or their food at all. Sure, the food needs technical analysis, but it also needs to inspire happiness or disgust or something. If Dave is too emotional, they're not emotional enough. Anyway, poker food. Tiffani's food was not appropriate to the occasion. It would have been nice on its own, but wasn't conducive to eating while playing cards. Harold's food lacked imagination, but Gail is forced to point out the rave reviews his chicken wings got. Dave did the best job overall, with his combination of flavors and just the right level of sophistication. KatieBot points out that Tiffani's kind of flailing right now, and asks Ptom about the third order. He says they enjoyed Dave's beef and Harold's chicken, but that there was a consensus that Tiffani's pork was too salty. Dave is in big trouble for not preparing a third dish.

The chefs are brought in. Ptom compliments all three. He brings up the lack of luxury items in the first order. Tiffani says she's used to cooking for high-rollers, and that they actually prefer simpler foods. I can believe that, though I'm a bit skeptical that Tiffani has the time, necessity or ability to actually differentiate between big gamblers and regular customers. KatieBot tells her that the challenge still called for impressive dishes. Tiffani thinks she delivered that. Harold is told that he won that particular part of the challenge. He gives a simple "thank you" in response, and Tiffani slaps his leg in a gesture of congratulations. In terms of the poker challenge, both the judges and chefs are a bit flabbergasted that Harold's wings were so popular. Dave describes the motivations behind his snack foods, and Gail gives him the news that the poker players really loved everything. He's gratified to hear it. Tiffani dances the best she can around the oversophistication issue by saying that if the poker players are becoming professional and advanced, then the food should advance right along with them. Or something. Third order. Dave is taken to task for the whole missing dish issue, though his beef dish was the clear favorite. Cue his nervous shoulder-rolling tic. Harold is complimented for the variety of his dishes. Decision time. Harold is obviously safe. He did a fantastic job this week. So, it's down to Tiffani and Dave. The tension is unbearable! Or at least, the music wants you to think it is, so I'll indulge it with some exclamation points!!!!

Commercials. When I think of wholesome, natural products, soda certainly springs to mind.

More tense music. Tiffani is told that Harold took two challenges and Dave took one, so she's in bad shape. They're asked if they'd like to add anything. Dave wants the chance to stay and cook some more. As does Tiffani. They'd both like the opportunity to show what they can do when they have more than a freaking half hour to throw everything together. Tiffani's food wasn't impressive this week. Dave forgot to make enough food. TIFFANI. YOU'RE. SAFE. DAVE. PLEASE. PACK. YOUR. KNIVES. AND. GO. Aw, that's a shame. He hugs everyone, including the judges. Tiffani interviews that it was hard to see him go, but hey, better him than her. Harold also thinks it's an unfortunate situation. Dave wonders how he would have fared if he had made that third dish, but doesn't want to make excuses for his ouster. He's the only eliminated chef to be granted a montage, as we see scenes of him laughing, crying, hugging, and goofing around. He thinks his friends and family will be proud of him. He is a touch bitter at losing to Tiffani, and ends with a plea that we not forget him; that he has a lot to offer. I know he's disappointed, but that was a tad undignified.

I've been chewing this elimination over in my mind. Was it justified? Was it inevitable? On the one hand, forgetting to make 33% of the food required cannot be ignored. It can't. It's more than fair that Dave get penalized for that. On the other hand, Dave's food was preferred over Tiffani's. And not just in one or two cases. The chefs made nine dishes total (eight in Dave's case), and every single one of Dave's beat every single one of Tiffani's. Surely that must count for something. So I guess it comes down to whether you think Dave's missing plate was a big enough transgression to completely overshadow his superior food. I'm undecided on that. Really, I could support either choice, except for one small thing niggling at my brain. The cynical part of me is convinced that the judges were looking for any excuse to get rid of Dave. There's no question Tiffani is good television, and do they really want to have a final two where both the contestants are likable? Nobody to root against? No good vs. evil? I'm approaching this from a producer's standpoint, not mine. I'd be thrilled to have a likable final two (and was). It may cut down on the suspense, but there's a lot to be said for knowing that you'll walk away from the finale satisfied. So if Tiffani owes her position in the final two to her blustering and attitude, that doesn't sit well with me. If the judges feel her food is superior to Dave's overall (which it very well may be), then that's fine.

Next week on Top Chef: Somebody wins! And given the edit that Tiffani's received this season, I'd bet money that it's going to be Harold!

Overall Grade: A-

Reunion

Top Chef - Season 1, Episode 10

Reasons this episode is not getting an F:

-Harold being awesome.

-Lee Anne being awesome.

-Miguel being semi-awesome.

-Stephen redeeming himself.

-Andrea managing to slip her love of bowel movements into the conversation one more time.

Reasons this episode is not getting above a D+:

-Everyone else.

-Including the judges? Oh, you bet.

In fact, I doubt I have the time or inclination to go back and revisit this episode. Just know that it blew chunks.

Overall Grade: D-

Napa's Finest

Top Chef - Season 1, Episode 9

Previously on Top Chef: The chefs worked together to fail at an asinine challenge. We finally rid ourselves of Stephen. Oh, and two loving souls were joined for eternity or whatever.

San Francisco. At the IHOF, Harold rolls around sleepily in bed. I don't know if I feel sorrier for him being taped or the camera guy whose job it is to hover over people trying to grab some shuteye. Harold voices-over that though Stephen deserved to go home, it was too bad, because Harold really liked him. Ew. Really, Harold? Say it ain't so. Dave lets us in on the origin of his becoming a cook, which we've already heard about. Tiffani interviews for about the six billionth time that she's not in the competition to make friends, then refers to herself in the third person. It's like she's working her way down the list of Irritating Reality Show Cliches. Lee Anne interviews that she'd like to win, and ideally would take Harold and Dave with her to the finals. She says that Tiffani's attitude is far different from her own, and that Tiffani can be very aggressive. She does at least do Tiffani the favor of saying that this attitude really only shows itself in the Kitchen; not that she's a rancid bitch 24/7.

Quickfire. Ptom, Gail, and KatieBot await the chefs in the Kitchen. Dave springs into his annoying shoulder roll. KatieBot explains that there are three spots for the finale in Las Vegas, so this will be the final "normal" elimination. The winner of the Quickfire will not receive immunity, but his or her win will be taken into consideration after the Elimination Challenge. KatieBot goes on to say that this week's Quickfire is all about junk food, so we go into another of Harold's ill-advised "poor me, I hate this challenge" rants, just as he always does when the challenge isn't something like "take something completely normal and make something completely normal out of it". Dude, I like you, but shut up. A variety of junk food is laid out on the table, and the chefs are told that they are to select one and remake it, but with a gourmet twist. Make sense? Harold selects first. He chooses popcorn. Ah, that's what I had for dinner last night. I really need to go grocery shopping. Dave shoulder rolls his way up to the table and chooses nachos. Tiffani picks corndogs. Lee Anne picks hotdogs. The chefs have 45 minutes, and can use any of the Kitchen's supplies. Go!

Dave interviews that his creative side is somewhat burnt out after all of these challenges. I feel him on that one. Harold says he's going in a somewhat different direction than the other chefs, and will be making Ecuadorian ceviche with popcorn cakes. Tiffani says she loves corndogs, but wants to jazz them up a bit. She'll be using some chorizo, which sounds so, so good. Lee Anne is confident in her creativity and nastily squeezes out some tubular meat, though we don't hear what's in it yet. Tiffani interviews that she maintains her calm in the Kitchen, which is our cue to see Dave running around like a chicken with its head cut off. Tiffani's disdainful of his methods, saying she doesn't think he'll be around much longer. Time winds down, people plate up, and they're done.

The judges start with Harold. As he said before, he's made Ecuadorian (incorrectly subtitled as Ecuadoran - hire a proofreader, show. I'm available.) ceviche with cakes made of popcorn on the side. Ceviche is generally composed of chunks of raw fish, lime juice, onion, and minced chile peppers. It's then marinated and served at room temperature with toasted corn or potatoes. It's the national dish of Peru, and sounds completely awesome. The judges love it. Tiffani has made a chorizo duck sausage corndog with a Camembert cream sauce. Yum. More compliments from the judges. Lee Anne has made a Japanese seafood hotdog with spicy mustard and lotus chips. Sounds like something you could get at Trader Joe's. By which I mean it sounds great. Mmmm...Trader Joe's. Yet more compliments from the judges. Dave has made nachos into... Nachos. They're seafood nachos with fire roasted tomato salsa and avocado cream. Sounds good, but he was not kidding about being out of creative ideas. Judging. Harold, Lee Anne, and Tiffani all did a great job. Dave's was far less impressive. He'll be going into the Elimination Challenge in "last place", so to speak. The winner of the challenge is Harold, so he's in the "lead".

WE. STARTED. AT. THE. BOTTOM. OF. THE. FOOD. CHAIN. NOW. WE'RE. GOING. STRAIGHT. TO. THE. TOP. Humans? Is cannibalism the next challenge? Gross! This show has gone too far! The chefs gasp as Ptom and Gail bring in a basket and some wine. Are there dead babies in that thing?

Commercials. I have yet to see a dishwasher that claims you can just run the dishes through without rinsing in the sink first actually be able to follow through on that promise.

Oh. So I guess KatieBot was exaggerating when she said "top of the food chain". What she meant was rare, pricy ingredients. The wine is a 2001 Shafer, which I've never heard of, but that doesn't mean anything. I'm the opposite of a wine expert; I'll drink anything that tastes even fairly good. Suffice it to say that this wine is hard to come by. The basket contains black truffles, worth about a thousand dollars a pound, according to Ptom. Can you imagine the look on Stephen's face when he found out that he got eliminated just before these ingredients appeared? Sweet. The Elimination Challenge will be to prepare a dish using the truffles that pairs well with the wine. The meal will be prepared in Napa. I've been there! And got really drunk! The judges will be some of the best chefs of Napa Valley. The contestant chefs are thrilled. KatieBot tells them that they'll leave tomorrow. Harold is confident, not only because this is finally a challenge he can sink his teeth into, but because of his Quickfire win.

Evening. Lee Anne says that she thinks she has what it takes to be a top chef. She lists off qualities such as respect for others and willingness to learn from her mistakes. Oh, and she's a damn fine cook, too. The chefs pop open a bottle of the Shafer. I'm surprised they're allowed to just kick back with glasses of the stuff if it's so rare and sought after. Tiffani is still giddy about the challenge. Dave is just thankful they finally have more than five to twenty minutes to plan out their menu. Heh, no kidding. Everyone goes to bed soon after. In the morning, Harold interviews that he was feeling really ill. I'm not so sure you want to feature the juxtaposition of Harold drinking your fine wine and Harold getting sick, show. "Be impressed by this rare vintage! It'll make your stomach leap out of your body!" Dave is worried about the amount of ground he has to make up, but seems willing to give it his all. Tiffani says she won't have to worry about being eliminated unless something drastic happens. I think that was shown to make her look smarmy, but she's probably right, so I can't really give her a bunch of shit for it.

Napa Valley. It's beautiful. The chefs are all excited. They are driven to a food supply store (it looks fancier than a regular grocery or supermarket), and are given an hour and $250 to shop for their other ingredients. Lee Anne buys three pounds of lamb. Tiffani also purchases lamb. Harold ALSO purchases lamb. He still feels icky. Dave notes that everyone else bought lamb, so he buys beef, knowing he needs to set himself apart if he wants to stay in the competition. Lee Anne complains in an interview that she was the first person to get lamb (Actually she says she was "the first person to get on the lamb train." Hehehe. Now I'm envisioning Soul Train, but with lambs), and now a whole bunch of them are going for it. I don't think they're copying you, Lee Anne. Didn't everyone work out their menus last night? Harold wishes he'd gone for a vegetarian dish now. Eh. I like certain vegetarian dishes, but if you're going all out with some special ingredients, I think some type of meat is almost essential.

The chefs pull up to the facility they'll be serving at, called Copia. The name of the kitchen there is Julia's Kitchen, named after Julia Child. Aw, I loved her. Tiffani waxes nostalgic about her in an interview. There's a portrait of her on the wall. Lee Anne says that she got to meet her once before she died. Tiffani one-ups that she met her, too. This is the weirdest pissing contest ever. Lee Anne interviews that she and Tiffani break the mold by being women and getting this far in the competition. Huh? Are women regularly discriminated against in the fields of cooking or reality shows? I don't think so. Lee Anne goes on to say that Tiffani's abrasive style comes off as bitchy. I'd give that a solid "meow", but it's totally true. Each of the chefs has two hours of prep time. Tiffani will be serving her dish to the judges first. Then Harold. Then Lee Anne. Dave will be last. Tiffani interviews that she's "there to win" (tally mark!), and that there's nothing wrong with being "aggressive in everything that you do." I'd strongly disagree with that statement. If Tiffani wants to play this game aggressively, that's fine. As much as I loathe the phrase "not here to make friends", I can get behind the sentiment. However, if you're like that all the time, you're not so much "aggressive" as you are an asshole. You'll note that the woman whom the kitchen is named after (and whom Tiffani adores) is remembered as much for her warmth and kindness as her cooking. We'll hear more about this later, but there's a big difference between "I'm going to play as hard as I can to try and win" and "I'm going to play as hard as I can to try and grind you into dust".

Tiffani will be making lamb and fois gras-stuffed gnocchi. The dough of the gnocchi will contain the truffles. Interesting. Harold is making lamb and sunchoke creamed spinach. Sounds good. His stomach still hurts. Lee Anne is making black truffle risotto with butternut squash to go with her lamb. Dave is making beef with truffle macaroni and cheese. I don't like that idea. I love macaroni and cheese, as any good American should. Still, if the challenge is to make something using specialty ingredients, I feel like making something so common out of them is sort of a cop-out. Just my opinion. Lee Anne calls out to Dave to get a pan that's hung high on the wall down for her. Tiffani makes a bitchface and asks them to be quieter. Again, reasonable request - poor execution. She seems to specialize in those. Dave's next quote is pretty priceless: "Tiffani can be very tough and abrasive in the kitchen, and... You know, you're not saving a life, so it doesn't work for me." Yes! That's what I was trying to say way back when this show started. I hold no quarter with pawning off a bitchy demeanor off on your sense of professionalism in any job; I don't care how "artistic" and "creative" it is.

With an hour to go, Ptom checks in. His contribution is typically pointless and time-wasting, so let's skip it. With half an hour to go, the judges file in and seat themselves. It's a group of executive chefs from all over the region, including the vintner whose wine they're using. They look like they mean business. Tiffani is still plating when time runs out. She says she wanted to make sure the dish went out perfect. The judges have a toast with the Shafer wine. Tiffani says "There's only so much you can kick yourself in the ass for what you've done. And... I just didn't have the time." Well, I don't think you're to that point yet, Tiffani, so keep on kicking. If you're going to throw attitude all over the kitchen and then claim it's because you're so bent on being professional, then you have to take full responsibility when something bad like running late happens. Can't have it both ways.

Commercials. Is that girl in the ranch dressing commercial supposed to be in college? Cause she looks like she's about eleven.

It looks like Tiffani's plates go out about three seconds late, so way to make a big deal out of nothing, show. Her lamb loin has rosemary and thyme and cauliflower puree. It looks like it's perfectly done, as far as how rare the meat is. She retreats to the kitchen, interviewing that her time management was off, but that she stands by the food. One of the judges says that the truffle gnocchi is good, but the cauliflower sauce doesn't complement the wine well. Or something. Harold and some additional waiters serve his dish. The lamb loin has sunchoke-creamed spinach. The sauce served on the lamb incorporates the truffles. The judges love his sunchokes, but one of them finds the mushrooms gritty. Looks like they weren't washed thoroughly. Eek. The judges are actually much more complimentary once he's gone back to the kitchen. Lee Anne is nervous. Tiffani interviews that Lee Anne used too many ingredients. As Lee Anne exits to the dining room, Ptom is bragging to the other judges that with three lamb dishes, it seems likely that one of them will be knocked out unless Dave's beef is a complete disaster. Lee Anne hears this and is understandably unhappy about it, given that the other lamb dishes have preceded her, so the judges are sick of it by now. I've noticed that Ptom is never more happy or animated than when he's talking about who's going to be eliminated. Prick. Also, strip down what he just said to the meaning beneath. "One of the lamb dishes is going to be eliminated, unless it's the beef one." Um, YA THINK? Thanks, Captain Obvious.

Lee Anne's risotto includes the butternut squash and also some mushrooms, all served next to a lamb loin that is crusted with pistachios. Mmm. I once asked my mom if she had any weird cravings when she was pregnant with me, and she told me that she had to start buying pistachio nuts wholesale because she was eating so many of them. Heh. That must be why I love them so. Anyway, Lee Anne describes the multitude of ingredients in her sauce, then heads back to the kitchen. The judges like that the cherry tone of the wine is brought out nicely by her sauce. One judge thinks her risotto is too starchy. Dave admits that macaroni and cheese is a simple dish, but adds that it works well with the truffle. Tiffani interviews that Dave's food is never very refined. True. But we all saw what happens when food is over-refined, and its name is Stephen. The judges dig into the dish. One of them has a fleck of cheese on his chin. Heh. Pass judgement now, piggy! OK, the dish isn't as simplistic as I first thought. The beef is prime filet with collard greens and radicchio, and the mac and cheese incorporates cognac and the truffles. Dave can't help bursting forth all his emotions about how tired he is and such to the judges. They don't care, Dave. The judges love how the truffle complements the mac and cheese, but they all seem to feel that he used way too much pepper.

Guest judge deliberation. Tiffani's dish was good, but too doughy and soft. Plus, the cauliflower puree wasn't a good pairing with the wine. Harold, on the other hand, used the wine perfectly, and the judges really liked the sunchokes. However, his gritty mushrooms seem to be a real bone of contention. Lee Anne had the best sauce, but there was too much going on in the dish. One of the judges repeatedly calls Dave a "pepper monkey", but everyone loved how he used the truffle. Everyone's asked what their favorite and least favorite dish was, though we don't hear what they say. In the kitchen, none of the chefs can really predict who had the best or worst dish. Everyone's tired and anxious.

Commercials. Why am I seeing promos for one of the local news broadcasts on BRAVO? Stick to annoying me on your own channel, Vickie Newton.

Judges' table. KatieBot's hair looks really good. Blah blah three chefs going to Las Vegas. Harold is taken to task a little bit for disdaining dairy in general, though it doesn't seem like he needed it for the dish. Still, when you're working in a kitchen named after Julia Child, it's probably a rule that you throw three sticks of butter into everything. Aw, I miss her. Aside from the gritty mushrooms, Harold did an excellent job. Plus, that Quickfire win puts him in a pretty good position. Lee Anne pushed the boundaries, which is good. Her lamb was slightly overcooked, but the sauce was great. Her ingredients overpowered the truffles and wine, which she should have been showcasing. Tiffani's flavors were great and she was innovative. Her cauliflower puree didn't work at all, though. Dave used the truffles the best, but the rest of his dish seemed to be an afterthought. KatieBot tells them that the guest judges had two clear favorite dishes. Harold's was one of them. He's in. He's happy. Hey, whatever happened with his stomach bug? Guess he got over it. That was pointless. The other favorite was Dave's. He's in. He's shocked. The other chefs are shocked. I'm shocked. Not only that Dave's was the favorite, but that Tiffani and Lee Anne are the bottom two. Did you ever think you'd see Tiffani and Lee Anne as the bottom two? Yeeks.

Harold and Dave congratulate each other in the kitchen, which is nice, considering they've never really gotten along that well. Dave wanders into the walk-in freezer, which has an awesome button that makes the door slide open, like it's something out of Star Trek. I'd play with that thing all day. After he comes back out, they discuss who they think will be joining them. They hope it's Lee Anne. Me too, guys. Back at the table, Tiffani and Lee Anne are asked to explain why they should go to Las Vegas, though I find it hard to believe that the choice hasn't already been made. Tiffani says that she's been true to herself throughout the entire competition and that she's fiercely competitive. No argument so far. Then she says that she's brought humility to the competition, and that's demonstrably false. Not that humility is so necessary in her reasoning as to why she deserves to go to the finals, but it's still a lie. She says that she always admits when she's screwed up. Also demonstrably false. She concludes by saying that her food's been consistently good throughout the competition, and that I do agree with.

Lee Anne says that she very much wants to win, but feels that she doesn't have to be mean to be competitive. She doesn't think putting people down is necessary to excel. Burn! That's basically what it boils down to. People like Tiffani are always saying things like "I'm nice, but when I compete, I'm there to win, so don't give me trouble for not holding your hand." What they fail to understand is that competitors that give a contest their all without needing to resort to such an attitude are better competitors, and usually better people. I know someone on a softball team who argues every call he thinks he can get away with; even the ones he knows he's wrong about. This isn't professional softball. It's a beer league, with games played after work. He'd claim that he's just doing all he can to ensure his team wins. Guess what? Nobody can stand him. Not even the people on his own team. When someone lands on one of your Monopoly properties, you collect rent from them. Collecting it with a jovial smile or a commiserative laugh and collecting it with a nasty barb has the same end result, but really says a lot about you. The penultimate object of a game is to win. However, the ultimate object of a game is to have fun. One could argue that fun is not what these chefs are trying to achieve, and that's true. Still, Lee Anne is perfectly correct in saying that hiding behind a bitchy attitude in the name of competitiveness is a detriment, not an attribute.

Commercials. Ooh, a new Kathy Griffin stand-up special! Yes!

Elimination time. This is probably the most suspenseful elimination of the season. On first viewing, I was clutching my couch in agony. Ptom tells them he's enjoyed working with both of them. Lee Anne has been a solid competitor the entire time, and gets great joy out of cooking. Tiffani has passion and drive. Unfortunately, one of them has to go. TIFFANI. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod. CONGRATULATIONS. YOU'RE. GOING. TO. LAS. VEGAS. Damn. Lee Anne's dish was great, but the execution fell short. Damn. I should have known. Tiffani is kind of the Santino of this show, so of course she's going to the finals. And Lee Anne is kind of like Kara Janx, so of course she's got to be chopped. Damn. And so we bid farewell to my favorite. She comes back to the kitchen and hugs everyone good-bye. Harold and Dave are upset. Tiffani interviews that she and Lee Anne have very different styles. She adds that she feels that she's a nice person, but that's not what she came here to prove. YES, WE GET IT. Again, you shouldn't have to "prove" you're a nice person. You should just be one. Tiffani's probably a pretty cool person in everyday life. But she really needs to understand that you don't check your humanity at the door when you compete.

Lee Anne wishes everyone luck. In her final interview, she's atypically bitter, getting in a passive-aggressive dig at Tiffani. I could have done without that, Lee Anne. I'm sorry you're going too, but be a gracious loser. She thinks there will be a lot of opportunities for her in the future. I have no doubt of it.

Next week on Top Chef: Reunion! And it looks extremely bitchy! Everyone's hair looks like hot, fried ass. Dave cries. Shocking. An "I'm not your bitch, bitch!" T-shirt is given, and I refuse to adopt that as this season's catchphrase. Stephen continues being a smarmy ass. Ken is invited for no perceptible reason other than to cause a lot of drama by being exactly the sort of obnoxious fuckwad that got him eliminated fourteen seconds into the competition. Tiffani may storm off in a huff. Wow.

Overall Grade: B

Wedding Bell Blues

Top Chef - Season 1, Episode 8

Previously on Top Chef: The chefs were split into two teams to create a new restaurant concept. On the blue team, Lee Anne's teammates Miguel and Stephen both sucked so hard, a series of black holes formed in the kitchen. On the red team, Dave was the expert at socializing with his guests, but couldn't manage the same positive attitude in the presence of his teammates. Lee Anne, Miguel, and Stephen were sent to the losers' table, and Chunk LeFunk was Truffle Shuffled all the way home. Five chefs remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

San Francisco. At the IHOF, Stephen smarmerviews that he and Harold are the best two chefs in the household. Tiffani interviews that as the competition gets stiffer, people are starting to make things personal. I guess she's referring to the "I'm not your bitch, bitch!" comment. She vows to never personally attack anyone. Something smells like foreshadowing. Dave, Harold, and Lee Anne sit around worrying what horrible challenge the judges are going to throw at them next. Sigh. If only they knew. Lee Anne interviews that she wants to win. I want you to win, too. Fingers crossed.

Quickfire. The chefs file into the Kitchen. KatieBot tells them that the challenge this week is to work with a specific client. The chefs will work together as one team to cater a wedding reception. The Quickfire Challenge will be the chefs pitching their ideas to the happy couple. The winner will not receive immunity; only the honor of having their menu prepared for the reception. Hmm. So, there's absolutely no advantage to winning except the knowledge that people like your ideas. In fact there's a disadvantage, since whoever wins knows that the Elimination Challenge will be based on their menu, which puts them in a precarious position when it comes time to choose who gets eliminated. We're off to a bad start. Dave starts his rolling-shoulder tic. Man, that's annoying. KatieBot brings in the couple; two gay men named Scott and Scott. Yeah, that's a serious problem with dating in the gay community - you never know when you're going to wind up with someone with the same name. Although, I do know a straight couple named Ryan and Ryan. What? I know I'm spinning off into tangents! Don't make me go back to this episode! OK, fine. Stephen interviews that chefs can generally be more creative and do more exciting things with their food for gay couples. I can buy that.

Scott1 tells the chefs that they'd like a Pan-Asian meal with fusion influences. They'd also like some form of prawn canape, and four additional courses, including dessert. Scott2 says that wedding cakes are traditional as far as weddings go. Ya think? The Timpani of Doomed Chefs that we've been hearing all season sounds here. Seriously. These chefs have been admitting since almost the very beginning that they have no experience with pastry-making. In addition to pitching a menu to the Scotts, the Quickfire will include a sketch of a wedding cake and preparing a cold prawn appetizer for them to taste. The reception will be for 100 guests and the budget will be $3000. They have thirty minutes to throw everything together, and get started.

Stephen interviews that you have to take the amount of guests into account when planning the menu, and that practicality is key. That's two interviews in a row from him that are perfectly reasonable, and don't make him sound like a huge douchebag. Is he feeling OK? Tiffani says that the dishes made for large crowds have to appeal to a large amount of people. Too bad Andrea's not still here to tell them about the wonderful crap they'll take after they eat. That's a people-pleaser! Dave has catering experience. Harold has Asian cooking experience. Lee Anne throws together some origami, and puts some watercolor paint on her menu to demonstrate how the dishes might look, color-wise. I'm surprised she has time to get that detailed. Harold bemoans his lack of art talent. People draw. People make prawn appetizers. Time runs out.

KatieBot returns with the Scotts, and they start with Stephen. He's made tangerine prawn escabeche, and wants to go with a Japanese theme for the main courses. Pretentious Chef to English Dictionary: Escabeche. Noun. A Spanish dish of poached or fried fish covered with a spicy marinade. Back to the show. Stephen outlines his ideas, pausing only to graciously receive a compliment on his appetizer. Seriously, is he coming down with something? His menu is woefully esoteric, as always. You will not please 100 people with grilled squid. It also includes lobster and veal, and KatieBot asks him if he can stay within the budget. He says yes, but let's not forget that last week, he had already "spent" more than double his budget on restaurant supplies before he even knew what he was doing. Tiffani. She's made Thai shrimp spring rolls.

Sidebar. Anything to escape this episode for a minute or two. The show is using the words shrimp and prawn interchangeably, and because I'm a science geek, I wanted to dig into the differences between them, consulting both my old invertebrate zoology textbook and a few cooking sites. The answer? Not many. They're extremely closely related taxonomically. As far as cooking goes, the word prawn is almost obsolete by this point, but if it is used, it's likely to be referring to the larger types of shrimp. Cue "The More You Know" star.

Tiffani's menu theme is Chinese-influenced, and she tries to work around her lack of experience in cake-making by suggesting 100 small, individual cakes rather than one large one. I know she's only suggesting it to get out of doing something she doesn't excel at, but it's really not a bad idea in general. I work at a restaurant that caters weddings, and one couple did exactly that, and they were the best little cakes I've had in my entire life. The Scotts like her appetizer. Harold. He plays off his lack of art skills. Heh. His appetizer is poached prawn wrapped in cabbage. He begins to explain his menu, which includes something about papaya salad and braised beef rib, and Tiffani interviews that although Harold's menu sounded good, it was too "conceptually out there" for 100 people. Dave's appetizer is a prawn bruschetta. He begins to explain his menu, and gets into his usual worked-up, arm-flailing state, which Harold and Stephen giggle over in the background. As the Scotts meet Lee Anne, she says that as they can see, she "the only real Asian in the room." Hehehehe. Her appetizer is crispy prawn toast. Interesting. Her menu includes Peking duck. Dave interviews that he's concerned that other chefs' menus (meaning Lee Anne's, I guess) are too complicated. Lee Anne's cake idea includes a passion-fruit filling. That sounds good. It sounds good to the Scotts too, because they select her as the winner. Yay and boo at the same time!

Elimination Challenge. Yes, it's time to cater the Scotts' reception...which is taking place the next afternoon. No, really. NO, REALLY. The chefs are unhappy to hear it. They have no idea how they're going to pull this off, and Lee Anne calls it "virtually impossible". Now, I'm not one to say that the challenges that the show throws at contestants necessarily have to gauge actual chef skills. For example, it's extremely unlikely that knowing how to put together a dish out of ingredients found at a gas station is really going to help these people in their careers. It was just done to see how the contestants would respond to it. But at least then, the judges could claim that they're testing the chefs' abilities to think on their feet. This is different. Telling them to create a full meal for 100 people in 24 hours (or less) is just going to end in heartache, and it cannot be used to fairly judge who's competent or not, unless someone really screws something up. Plus, the planned menus may have been very different if the chefs had known of this time limit. Seeing the chefs squirm can be fun. This is just cruel.

Commercials. I have to admit to liking that FedEx ad with the attacking lobsters. It gives me hope for my own army of killer crustaceans. But perhaps I've said too much.

If the establishing shots are to be believed, it's already evening when the chefs are told that the reception is the following afternoon. Oh, here we go. Lee Anne tells us that they have 16 hours. Blah blah split up tasks. Blah blah someone gets eliminated tomorrow. Now, the full weight of the hell she's brought upon herself hits Lee Anne, as she now has to assign the other chefs specific tasks. I so would have thrown this Quickfire on purpose. Harold calls the challenge "ridiculous". I agree with him. Dave agrees to prepare the appetizer, the crispy prawn canape. Stephen will do the amuse bouche (more appetizers). Harold gets the first course, which is seared salmon. Tiffani gets the second course, Lover's Nest, which is a vegetable dish of some kind. Lee Anne is taking on the main course. I guess it's not Peking duck, but Peking-style beef. All right, then. Everyone's going to work collectively on the cake.

Ah, yes. The cake. So. None of the chefs are accomplished at cake-making, and they now have to prepare not only a cake, but a wedding cake, and it must be done within 16 hours. What, no more obstacles? You don't want to blindfold them or anything? Faced with the other tasks they must get done by the next day, Lee Anne just suggests they buy pre-made cake mix. I guess we're supposed to be all up in arms about how these supposed professionals are taking such an easy shortcut, but I don't blame them one tiny bit. Tiffani specifically asks the entire group if it's OK that they're doing this. Nobody disagrees, although Stephen gets shifty-eyed. Once the group splits up, he suddenly decides it's time to register his disapproval of the cake mix idea. If I were one of the other chefs, I'd be like "You don't want to use cake mix? Fine. You're in charge of the cake. Have fun." I can understand his reservations, but it's not like he has any better ideas on how to handle this.

Tom enters. Boo! Since I always feel like spitting every time I see him (ptooey!), I'm just going to call him Ptom from now on. He asks about everyone's catering experience and verifies that the chefs are going to work throughout the night. Stephen smarmerviews that there was no need to pull an all-nighter. Dude, were you even listening when KatieBot gave you the challenge? Ptom tells us that this is going to be a challenge of stamina. Because that's so important in the cooking industry. Shut up, Ptom. The chefs leave to go shopping. Keep in mind that it's now night, and there's really no specialty market open to get quality ingredients, so the chefs have to get their supplies at the grocery store. I'm just going to rehash this challenge one more quick time. 16 hours to pull together a ceremonial meal for 100 people, including a course you have no experience in, plus all your food is coming from the local Piggly Wiggly or whatever. Yeah, this'll end well. Harold continues hating the challenge. I continue agreeing with him.

At the fish counter, which is probably about two minutes from closing, Stephen asks for some oyster, and Harold inquires into the available salmon. It's not promising. He can either buy fresh bad salmon or frozen better salmon. He interviews that he's always going to go for fresh fish when he can, so he has to get salmon that he knows is poor quality. Not only that, but the counter-woman is now telling him that she can't sell him the salmon, because they're saving it to make sashimi. I hate this episode. Harold quite rightfully has a mini-fit in which he interviews that he was basically like "Listen. We're spending a buttload of money here, and you will be giving me that salmon." He steps away to tell Lee Anne about the issue, and in an awesome moment, Lee Anne instantly is ready to run back to the fish counter to raise hell herself. Hehehe. Get 'em, Lee Anne! Harold tells her he's got it covered, and does wind up getting the fish. The fish that he didn't even want in the first place, because it sucks. Sigh. Tiffani loads up on cake mix, and everyone checks out.

They head for the kitchen at the hotel where the reception is taking place. Dave wants to get as much done as soon as possible, which everyone seems to agree with. Harold starts filleting his hated salmon. Lee Anne works on some sort of pancake that accompanies the Peking beef. Dave does something with chocolate that I think relates to the appetizers, not the cake. Speaking of which, Tiffani gets starting on making that cake. Ptom wanders through, and spots the cake mix boxes. He points it out to Tiffani like he just caught her violating a sheep with a stalk of celery. Timpani of Doomed Chefs. Tiffani cops to it, and interviews that part of being a good chef is knowing your weak points and how to work around them. She said she'd rather admit to making a mix than have to face these guys on their wedding day, crying about how she's sorry, but the cake fell and there's no time to make another one. I could not agree more. I'm starting to feel bad for yelling at Tiffani so much several episodes back, because I'm returning to that point where I really like her.

11 hours until the reception. Stephen has to roll up 300 little appetizer rolls, and it's taking him a long time to just roll one. Tell us again how this all-nighter isn't necessary. Xylophone of This Is Taking A Long Time. Hey, they used that same xylophone in Spellbound! Which I'd rather be watching right now. Lee Anne interviews that she could have finished in half the time it took Stephen. 8 hours until the reception. Stephen finishes rolling appetizers. Sheesh. Dawn breaks. Tiffani yawns. Dave interviews that because they were running behind, he jumped in and did whatever he could to speed things up. Good for him. Tiffani thinks he's overextending himself. 4 hours left. The Scotts interview about their wedding-day jitters. They mention that they're nervous about pleasing their guests, given the time limit the chefs have. I'd suggest to them that if they wanted to make sure their wedding reception food turned out well, they not have offered it up for a down-to-the-wire reality show challenge. No sympathy. Back in the kitchen, everyone's snappy and exhausted. Lee Anne's worried about finishing on time.

Commercials. Beer. Yes, please. Preferably two or three.

One hour left. The chefs come out into the dining room to meet with the judges. Ptom. Gail. KatieBot. The guest judge today is Marcy Blum, a wedding planner. Which makes her competent to judge food...how? Just because she's around it a lot? So am I. Why not make me a guest judge? Marcy planned KatieBot's wedding. Ah, that explains why she's on the show. I guess we can look forward to KatieBot's dog groomer being the guest judge next week. The chefs go back to the kitchen. Forty-five minutes left. Lee Anne ices the cake. People are tense. Lee Anne garnishes the cake with very pretty purple flowers. Boring segment wherein the Scotts commit themselves to one another. If I liked this episode more, I'd think this was very sweet and "aw" over it a lot. But since this episode sucks, I'm not anxious to celebrate the love of two people who are treating one of the most important days of their lives as an opportunity to screw over reality show contestants.

In the kitchen, the chefs are getting the bad news that the appetizers are supposed to be passed from 3:00 to 4:30. That is patently ridiculous for any wedding reception, let alone one where supplies are limited. An hour and a half of one-bite appetizers? If I were a guest at such a wedding, I'd be like "Congratulations on your happy day. I'm going to Steak n' Shake". The chefs justifiably freak out, because there's no way their food is going to last that long. I hate this episode. They throw together additional appetizers out of cucumber and crab and such. I don't know if they're using their own food or the hotel's. The first tray is sent out, which are the prawn canapes that Dave prepared. They're received well. There's also the quick appetizer of crab meat on pita chips. Gail and Marcy don't like the shrimp toast as much as the guests did.

In the main dining room, apart from the Neverending Appetizer Cocktail Hour, Stephen is lecturing the waiters on wine. He's going on about which wines go in which glass, and blah blah blah. Let's not forget that these waiters work at the hotel. They know how their service works already. Stephen doesn't. He's actually going into the origins of where each wine comes from, and how to approach the tables, and OHMYGODSHUTUP. Lee Anne points out that there is already a captain for the waiters, so Stephen was just wasting time. In fact, the chefs are having to deal with problems with Stephen's course in the kitchen while he's out satisfying his power trip. There are stickers on the Chinese spoons he's bought, so everyone has to abandon their food to come peel them off, which should have been done a long time ago. Tiffani interviews that the spoon thing put her over the edge, as far as Stephen is concerned. She takes a deep breath, and can't even come up with more to say, she's so angry.

The guests are seated in the dining room, and the chefs are still having to plate Stephen's course without him present, because he is still talking about wine with the waiters. He finally comes back, and we see the amuse bouche plated. They look good. It's a combination of oyster, roe, lobster, and some crab soup dumplings. Stephen interviews that it's the chef's responsibility to delegate work to the other members of the kitchen. Well, yes, but in his mad dash to "delegate" (because, let's be honest, he's just dressing up his love of bossing other people around), he's abandoning the food preparation. He's a chef that refuses to cook. It'd be funny if it weren't so infuriating. The amuse bouche is received well in the dining room. Meanwhile, Harold pulls Stephen aside and gently tries to inform him that they kind of, you know, need him in the kitchen, and to stop spending all his time messing with the front of the house. He's far more nice about it than he could have been.

Harold's green papaya salad with the seared salmon is the next course to go out. He actually just refers to it as a papaya salad, because he doesn't want to associate himself with the crap salmon he was forced to buy. Hang on, I'm going to go add Crap Salmon to my Awesome Band Names list. OK, I'm back. Hey, guess what! Nobody likes the poor-quality salmon! Who woulda thunk? Obviously, this is somehow Harold's fault because... Because... Anyway, the next dish to go out is Tiffani's "Lover's Nest". It's seafood with vegetables. There are also origami swans on each plate. A random guest likes it. Oof, would I be mad if a friend of mine got married and told me that there'd be TV cameras at the reception, ready to capture my every bite. The chefs get ready to send out the main course, but the guests decide to have a toast. This is something you need to tell your chefs, people. Again, it's not their fault that your beef is getting cold, because you didn't bother to tell them to hold off on getting it ready to go. I'm so fed up, you guys. Also, Stephen's the self-professed go-between for the kitchen and dining room. Where was he with this info? Harold interviews basically that.

The Peking beef goes out. Thanks to the toast, it's now been sitting too long, and is a bit cold. Lee Anne, bless her heart, interviews that she wanted the Scotts to have a great wedding dinner, and is disappointed in herself that things aren't working out. It's so not her fault (or any of the chefs', really) that things are going poorly, and I'm furious that they're going to have to shoulder the blame. The wedding cake goes out. Stephen again interviews that he was against the cake mix idea, though he leaves out the part where he was too gutless to tell any of the other chefs that he disapproved. The cake really does look pretty, for being a mix. The flowers are a nice touch, and it looks like they were able to make the passion-fruit filling, so it's not like it's entirely Betty Crocker's handiwork. The Scotts feed each other cake. Everyone applauds. There are some truffles as an additional dessert. A guest finds an eggshell in the cake. Whuh, oh. Gail thinks one of the truffles is too sweet. The Scotts seem to like them, though. The guests leave. The Scotts confer with the judges. The Scotts feel that the meal went well, overall. Ptom asks them to name a part of the meal that they loved, and they can't come up with anything, which Ptom gleefully notes. Lee Anne interviews that it has been a very humbling night for her.

Commercials. It's not that I'm opposed to the idea of handsome men falling from the sky. I'm just not thrilled about the damage they're going to do to my car.

Judges' table. KatieBot opens by asking Marcy's opinion, since she's an "expert". Oh, good. One sentence in, and I'm already pissed at the judges. In fact, to save time, every time the judges say something that's complete bullshit, let's just point out why in a parenthetical aside. The judges are overall disappointed with how the food turned out. Gail says that Lee Anne took on more than she could handle. (Uh, huh. Cause Lee Anne should be psychic and know that you'd give her an impossible time limit, given the complexity of her menu.) Ptom says that it seemed that the chefs were just hurrying through everything instead of focusing on making something especially good. (IMPOSSIBLE TIME LIMIT.) The judges say that they can't really choose a winner, and they just bring in all the chefs.

Ptom tells the chefs that he's had better food from a takeout place. I would suggest to Ptom that if he truly wants to simulate the experience, he go to a takeout place, and tell the cooks there that they have two and a half minutes to make him some General Tso chicken. Let's see how pleased he is with the outcome. Tiffani says that she thought they did fairly well, given that it was wedding food. That was the wrong thing to say, and Marcy says that treating wedding food as a lower class of meal isn't doing her any favors. Lee Anne is asked if she tasted everything. She said she did. When asked if everything was to her liking, she replies in the negative. She wishes she could have done better, given that it was her menu. Ptom disparages the salmon. (IMPOSSIBLE SUPPLY RESTRICTIONS.) Harold apologizes, but you can tell that he doesn't give a damn, because he knows very well that the salmon issue wasn't his fault. KatieBot asks whose idea it was to use a cake mix. Harold cops to the initial suggestion. Gail informs them about the eggshell a guest found. I will say that the eggshell is a genuine reason to take the chefs to task for something. It's about the only one I've heard so far.

The chefs are asked if everyone pulled their weight in the kitchen. Lee Anne takes the opposite tack, and says that if one person pulled more than their weight, it was Dave, since he worked so hard. Aw. Ptom tells Dave that he can assume he's safe for the moment, and asks who should have contributed more. Dave says Stephen. Timpani of Doom. Dave talks about the packaged, stickered spoons that they had to deal with while Stephen was out "selling" wines. He wasn't selling them, but Dave's certainly nailed the main problem. Stephen's non-involvement in the kitchen is the second thing a chef can actually be reprimanded for. Tiffani adds that Stephen was the only chef to concentrate on his own dish, without contributing to work on the others. Stephen says that the head of such-and-such asked him to come out and explain how things should be served, which I don't believe for a second. The other chefs are probably exaggerating how long he was gone, but he's making himself out to be the essential reason the waiters weren't tripping over themselves, or serving the dumplings by shooting them out of mini-cannons. He harps on Dave's "selling" comment, which was indeed factually inaccurate, but isn't the point.

Marcy is impressed that Stephen thought to tell the waiters to clear the room before serving or something. (Um...sorry to use a tired cliche, but this isn't Top Head Waiter. Who cares how good Stephen is at directing the staff, when that's not the lion's share of his job? And again, these are waiters. Waiters who wait tables. They don't need someone telling them how full a wineglass should be or when to clear a plate. They know. Shut up, Marcy.) Lee Anne is asked if she assigned Stephen the role of dining room liaison. She says no. Stephen is asked who he'd eliminate, and he says Lee Anne, which I will admit is his only logical choice. Still, he buys into the bullshit the judges are trying to sell, and says that Lee Anne's menu wasn't doable under the circumstances. THE CIRCUMSTANCES THAT SHE DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT WHEN SHE PLANNED THE MENU!!!!!! JESUS TAPDANCING CHRIST!!!!!! Lee Anne accepts responsibility for the overall problems the chefs had. Harold basically says that Lee Anne did the best she could under these circumstances, and that he respects what she did. Aw. The chefs are dismissed.

Deliberations. The judges have the unmitigated gall to be "let down", even though the poor outcome of the challenge is completely their (or the producers') fault. Gail says that Stephen didn't play the role of a chef tonight, and that he gets defensive instead of trying to learn from mistakes. I can't argue with any of that. Ptom points out that this is the same thing he did last week; abandoning the kitchen to go chitchat in the dining room. Marcy again defends him, because she's a fucking imbecile. Lee Anne should have tried to manage him more or something. Let's all pause to consider what would have happened if Lee Anne had tried to micromanage Stephen. I'm envisioning another of his little meltdowns. Shut up, judges. I can see why Lee Anne is under the most scrutiny overall, but Stephen is always just going to do what he wants. Harold's salmon sucked. The judges make their final decision.

Commercials. White wine. Yes, please. Preferably two or three glasses.

The chefs are called back in. There is no winner of tonight's challenge. Rehash of deliberations. Everyone's taken to task for something except Dave. And the loser is... STEPHEN. PLEASE. PACK. YOUR. KNIVES. AND. GO. In your face, Marcy. KatieBot asks him if he's got anything to say, and he just gives her a blunt "no", which almost makes me respect him. Almost. The chefs are dismissed. As opposed to the tearful goodbyes given to Lisa and Cynthia, and the respectful interviews given after the fact to almost every other chef, nobody gives a rat's ass that Stephen got chopped. Heh. He gets in one final smarmerview about how he's going to change the face of the restaurant business or whatever. Sure.

A few last notes. This episode sucked. Royally. There is no way the chefs could have completed the challenge as given to the judges' satisfaction. That is unacceptable. However, at least the eliminated contestant got eliminated for a good reason. If Harold had been eliminated because of the salmon, or Lee Anne got eliminated because she's not a twit-wrangler, I would have been uber-pissed. Stephen deserved to go home for ignoring his kitchen duties, and I'm glad that the judges recognized that. Also, with him gone, we're left with a pretty likable final four, all things considered. I'm still rooting for Lee Anne, and it's very possible that Tiffani will do something insufferable to piss me off all over again, but as it stands, we're looking at a very deserving winner no matter which way it slices. Good. Finally, I want to apologize for the completely joyless tone of this recap. I hated this episode, but I can't imagine it's fun to listen to my steady stream of whining and vitriol. Let's hope both the next episode and I can bounce back.

Overall Grade: D