The Girls The Lionesses Are Hunting

America's Next Top Model - Season 4, Episode 9

Previously on America's Next Top Model: Kahlen learned of a friend's death, and channeled her grief into determination at a graveyard-themed photo shoot, resulting in one of her best pictures to date. I'm sure that's a great comfort to her dead friend, looking down from heaven, all "Glad I could help, bitch." Oh, and Tatiana was sent home, to the dismay of...well, pretty much nobody except Tatiana.

We're back at the pad, and it occurs to me that there's really not very many people to root for anymore. Kahlen's not bad (though she's starting to look more and more like Melissa Joan Hart with every passing hour...very disturbing), and Naima's awesome, but that's about it. Everyone talks about how they're in it to win it. Really? And all this time, I figured you wanted to act as cannon fodder so someone thinner and prettier could put you out of your misery. Twits. Of course, this is all just a precursor to the Tyra Mail which asks, "Are you born to be wild?" That irritating song immediately surges through my brain, and will refuse to leave for the duration of the show. Great. I was hoping for another addition to the rapidly growing list called "Evidence That My Subconscious Hates Me". Anyway, the girls figure out that they'll be working with animals, which is pretty impressive when you think about what these girls can't figure out. Like how twist-ties work.

The next morning is dreary and rainy, and the models meet J. Alexander at some sort of wildlife park. I hesitate to call it a nature reserve, because come on. This is Los Angeles. The closest they come to nature are the crows that pick at the bloated raccoon corpses lining the highways. Everyone looks pretty miserable to be standing around in the rain, and boy, do I feel them on that. It's been raining here pretty steadily for almost a week, and I'm already on the verge of taking a nice, relaxing vacation to Death Valley. Miss J introduces everyone to the wildlife park guy, who looks pleased as punch to be hanging out with a bunch of skinny girls with wet T-shirts. And Keenyah, too. Zing! Oh, I'm just kidding. Who in their right mind would think Keenyah is fat? Besides all her friends, of course.

The models learn that their first challenge this week will be to study the animals, then strike a pose that captures their "essence". They all watch very intently as leopards and tigers and bears are paraded before them. They even allow a bear covered in foamy spit to eat a marshmallow out of their mouths. Kahlen finds this disgusting, and while that's understandable, I'm actually kind of jealous. Seriously, it looks fun. You know the world's an unfair place when people like Christina get to do cool things like that and you don't. Anyway, that's all the animals they have to study. It's too bad there weren't any hippos. Keenyah would have had this contest sewn up. The girls all do their poses, and pretty much everyone sucks. It's a crap challenge anyway. I mean, "pose like a bear"? What can you even do except open your mouth like you're trying to catch an errant salmon? Since there has to be a winner, and since the winner should be someone who's good at acting like a slobbering animal, naturally Brittany emerges victorious. She's told to pick two friends to share in the reward, and she chooses Keenyah and Christina. They all celebrate, not noticing as the Irony Fairy looks down and selects them as his next target.

A bunch of lions come out and look at the girls through a wire fence, and then everyone is attacked by the Stay-Puft Marshmallow man. Oh, I'm sorry, that's Tyra, who is wearing an inexplicably ugly parka. She springs the news that everyone will be going to South Africa for the next challenge. They are thrilled to hear it. Then suddenly, we're back at the loft as the girls leave for the airport. So...what were those lions for? What a weird edit. As they haul their baggage out of the loft, I'm struck once again by the hot pink, bubble-lettered graffiti on the wall. It's straight out of the opening credits of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. I half expect Will Smith to show up and teach that uppity Carlton a lesson.

South Africa! On the bus ride to another safari-nature-reserve type thing, Michelle reads some tips and warnings about South African culture out of a pamphlet; things like you should never point at someone with your index finger. As she tries to share this information with the rest of the group, Brittany and Keenyah are laughing it up, interrupting her with a bunch of lame jokes. Michelle takes offense, and interviews that she feels like everything she does is taken as a source of ridicule. On the one hand, I think Brittany and Keenyah were more making fun of the pamphlet than making fun of Michelle. On the other hand, I think she's hit the nail on the head. The other girls have zero respect for her, which is a real shame. Just because she's kinda ugly doesn't mean she doesn't deserve some common courtesy. Cheer up, Ugly Michelle!

Since Tyra and Company probably had to spend a lot of money to shoot in South Africa, they're going to show every damn minute they filmed, audience be damned, so we're treated to about 20 minutes of filler. Let's see if I can hit the salient points. Tyra talks about the burgeoning South African fashion industry. Everyone oohs and aahs like they can't believe that such backwards people even wear clothes, let alone manufacture and sell them. The girls all dance around in a circle with some African tribesmen, who are putting on just as much of a trained show as the animals back in LA did. Poor guys. I'm guessing the second the cameras are turned off and the tourists go home, they're all "Christ, finally. Honey, could you get me a beer?"

The next day, the girls go on a mini-safari, and as they cruise by the animals, their guide gives them some tips to avoid being attacked by lions, namely: shut the fuck up. Three guesses who has trouble following this simple rule. Yes, Brittany pretty much prattles away moronically, as she's prone to do. A bunch of lionesses stare at the car, and one actually starts to approach. Everyone looks terrified, and hysterically whisper to Brittany to shut her fat yap. Go for Keenyah, lions! She's packed with meat! Nobody gets mauled, but how cool would that have been? Unsurprisingly, the easiest way to get away from the lion is to simply press the damn gas pedal, so the models will live to see another day. That night, Brittany, Keenyah, and Christina are finally told about their reward; they'll get to stay in some lovely hotel accommodations while the other girls have to rough it in some tents. The "winners" make a bunch of kissy noises as they take off, basically rubbing the other girls' noses in it. Since this seems to be the week of assholes getting their comeuppance, they discover that their hotel, while beautiful, is swarming with insects, and no amount of rose petals in the jacuzzi will prevent them from being eaten alive all night. There's even a quick cut back to the campsite, where the other girls are sleeping like babies. Hah! Nice work, editors.

Breakfast. Keenyah gets up to get some more food, and Brittany warns her about eating too much. Keenyah protests that she's only going to get some yogurt but Brittany won't relent, saying that's she's only bringing it up because she likes Keenyah. That is so sweet. I think the next time I see a good friend, I'll tell them how ugly their hair is, because that's just the kind of caring person I am. Shut up, Brittany. Since it's rude to point the index finger in South Africa, I'll just wave a different finger in your direction. "It's just yogurt!" Keenyah exclaims, and that's pretty much going to be my catch phrase of choice for the upcoming week.

Time for the main challenge. Jay Manuel appears, looking even uglier and more unnatural in this beautiful setting than he does in LA. He introduces Gerda the photographer, and explains that the girls will be photographed with a bottle of Lubriderm while being dressed as various animals and posing with Mary the crocodile. Isn't that a great name for a crocodile? It's just so incongruous, giving a dangerous animal an almost boringly normal name. Awesome. Kahlen will be a springbok, the national animal of South Africa. Christina - ostrich. Michelle - zebra. Brittany - giraffe. Naima - cheetah. And Keenyah...oh, poor Keenyah. Keenyah will be the elephant. Such a porker, that one. The girls get prepared, and the shoot begins. Brittany's giraffe looks amazing. Amazing hair, amazing outfit, amazing makeup, and loath as I am to admit it, amazing pose. She just nailed this one. Christina the ostrich looks good too. She's kind of gawky anyway, so it works for her. Someone needs to tell her that it's flamingos that stand on one leg, though. No juice and cookies until you study your Sierra Club flashcards, Christina. Kahlen seems to get over her animal revulsion as she puts one hand firmly on Mary's back. Everyone tells her that she did a marvelous job with her springbok photo, but I'm not feeling it. She's squatting weirdly, and her makeup is distracting. Naima is gorgeous, as always. Her mohawky hair works well for the cheetah, and she does a very lithe, catlike pose. I'm telling you she's going to win this thing.

Keenyah looks ridiculous. It's not entirely her fault, since her elephant costume looks like something a second-grader threw together at the last minute for the school play. Still, she does a pretty dumb pose, angling her arm to symbolize "elephant trunk" and landing closer to "fighting off an axe murderer". She interviews that she's been putting on some weight, and had to suck in her gut for the photos. Yeah, I'll bet she's tipping the scales at, like, 80 pounds. Michelle looks nothing like a zebra, except that she's dressed in black and white. She just plants a foot on Mary and strikes a generic model pose. I'm not sure zebras caress their own thighs like that, Michelle.

That night, the girls are eating dinner at a place called The Five Flies, which is the greatest name for a restaurant, ever. Everyone's chatting and laughing, and out of nowhere, Naima says "Are you feeling alienated, Michelle?" Michelle kind of doesn't have answer to that, and how can she? If she says yes, she comes off as a whiny complainer. If she says no, she looks like a hypocritical liar. I have no idea if Naima said that because she's genuinely concerned about Michelle, or to try and lighten the mood or to be a snotty bitch. It was very strange and inappropriate, and the only end result is to make Michelle feel like shit. I hate to say it, but shut up, Naima.

It's time for the judging and final challenge. Present as always are Janice, Nigel, Tyra, and Nole, with special guest judge Gerda the photographer. The challenge is to take an object and use it to emote a word that the judges give. Let's begin. Show me passion! Fear! Anger! Happiness! Aloof! A-what? None of the models have a clue what aloof means. They even ask for hints. Smile pretty, girls. I'm not sensing a lot of available backup careers for you. The judges deliberate. Kahlen has really stepped up. Brittany is an ass, but takes good photos. Naima is awesome. Christina is Christina. Michelle sucks. Keenyah is fat. They call the girls back in for their usual dressing down. Janice complains that none of them conveyed true passion, and to demonstrate what that is, gets up and plants a huge one right on Tyra's mouth. I watch agape in fascination and horror as they fall to the ground, and Janice wraps her legs around Tyra like she's trying to climb the rope in gym class. Well, you can't say that wasn't passionate. The judges tell Keenyah that she's too pudgy, Christina that she has no upper lip, and Naima that she's a cipher with no personality. Ouch. This show rips through self-esteem like a hot knife through butter. And hey, isn't that why we're tuning in?

There are six girls, but only five photos. Kahlen is safe. Brittany is safe. Christina. Naima. Will Michelle and Keenyah please step forward? Tyra tells Keenyah that she needs to slim down and focus more on her photos, and gives Michelle a bunch of generic criticism that basically boils down to: "You're too ugly to be a model". Keenyah receives her picture, and Michelle will be going home. She cries and packs her things as she voices over that she was in it to win it (sigh), and is sorry to have to leave. She leaves a note for the other girls (with a big smiley face on it; you just know she's one of those women who doesn't know when its time to stop writing notes in purple ink and dotting her I's with little hearts) wishing them luck. Aw. She seems like a nice person, but it's hard to argue with the judges' decision on this one. Michelle does the Back to the Future fadeout from the cast photo. And then there were five.

Next week on America's Next Top Model: Keenyah is...you guessed it! In it to win it. The girls are offered a chance to judge each other, and catty sniping ensues. Oooh, that looks fun.

Overall Grade: B-