Pug Fugly

Project Runway - Season 3, Episode 3

Previously on Project Runway: Glinda the Good Witch stopped by to tell the designers that they'd be designing her evening gown for the Miss Universe pageant. Vincent annoyed Angela. Angela annoyed Vincent. Angela and Vincent annoyed everyone else. Malan's dress looked wooden and heavy. Kayne easily walked away with the challenge and immunity. The two squeaky wheels certainly didn't get the grease, and Malan got his walking papers. 13 designers remain. Who will be "out" tonight?

Opening credits. Vincent drapes his arms around two mannequins. Yeah, I'll bet being headless and inanimate is the only way people can stand him.

Morning. Alison stretches. Kayne promises not to send some crap down the runway just because he has immunity. The fact that people actually get eliminated is just starting to hit Robert. Katie says that Malan didn't deserve his elimination, but wasn't about to go down with him for something that wasn't her fault. So now that she's not saddled with a partner, I'm sure she'll blow us away with her design. Off to the runway! Heidi comes out with a perky "yoo hoo!" that makes it sound like she's about to break out yodeling. She looks a lot better this week. She tells the designers that this week's challenge will be designing an outfit around one of fashion's hottest accessories. Everyone grins except Angela, who's thinking hard. I can almost smell wood burning. Heidi tells them that Tim will fill them in on the details tomorrow, so the only reason they had to show up at the runway is for this week's Pointless Model Selection. Long story short, Kayne sticks with Katia, so poor Moon, who didn't even walk in last week's runway show, gets punted. And she's so pretty, too! Boo. Afterwards, Heidi sends them off. There's a shot of a black guy sitting with the designers. Who the hell is he?

Evening. The designers band together and try to figure out the accessory. Bonnie has no idea. Uli guesses it may be a belt or shoes. Kayne is wearing....a pink tiara made out of construction paper or something. Um, ok. In another room, the Mysterious Black Man hopes that the challenge will be one where they can really be creative. Bradley thinks it will be something that challenges versatility. The Mysterious Black Man interviews that he has no idea what it will be. Morning. A wet-haired Laura finds a note that all the rooms have received. There are directions from Tim Gunn to meet him in Central Park. Laura guesses from this that the accessory is horses. Where she got that from, I have no idea, but she's from New York and I'm not. In the next shot, the designers are walking out the door, and Laura has a riding outfit on. Hehehe. She's certainly clinging tightly to this idea that the challenge will have to do with horses. Kayne has no idea what the challenge will be. Vincent has no idea what the challenge will be. Uli has no idea what the challenge will be. Laura has no idea what the challenge will be. The Mysterious Black Man has no idea what the challenge will be. Gee, you think they're trying to fill some time here?

Finally, Tim comes over a grassy hill leading a pack of small dogs wearing shirts with their names on them. Awwww!!!! I tend to like bigger dogs, but a lot of these are so cuuuuuuuuute! The Boston terrier and the pug in particular. All the designers clap and laugh and are completely delighted, except for Laura, who looks like she's about to throw up. She interviews that she doesn't like dogs, because being 42 and having five kids means she doesn't have the emotional energy to care for one. Um, so? I don't have the financial resources or time to be a good dog owner, but that doesn't mean I can't like them. Stop pawning off your character flaws on your kids, dog hater. Each designer gets their own dog, and they step forward to pick. Uli gets the adorable pug. Jeffrey interviews that everyone "picked themselves" as far as getting a dog. I never thought I'd say it, but he's completely right. For instance, Keith picked one of those exotic, showy dogs that are supposed to be fancy, but in reality are just really odd and unattractive. Bradley has somehow gotten the poodle, while Alison has gotten a cute little scruffy dog. They both admit to being completely unmatched with their dogs, and make the wise decision to switch. Laura just waits until everyone else has a dog and takes the last one left, shoving her in her purse so she won't have to actually touch her. Boo! Tim tells the designers that it's time to walk back to the workroom, where they'll get more details about the challenge.

Workroom. Tim tells everyone that the challenge is to make an outfit for the model that's inspired by the dog. Further, the inspiration should be narrative. That is, the designer will use the dog for inspiration about a story concerning the dog's owner. Further further, the designer will have to make a complementary outfit for the dog itself. They'll have two days, 150 dollars, and half an hour to sketch, starting now. Robert, WHO IS WEARING HIS SUNGLASSES INDOORS AGAIN, tries to get his dog to sit down and stay so he can take a picture of her, and she's not cooperating. Hehehe. I wouldn't cooperate with someone who wears their sunglasses inside either. Quick tangent. I thought that idiotic habit was just an outbreak among people on television, but I went to Trader Joe's the other night, and saw no less than three people with sunglasses on. It was 7:30 PM! Indoors! Freaks. Laura's dog keeps walking onto her sketchpad as she tries to draw. Hehehehe. Awesome. Cute Bradley and his cute dog sit there looking cute. Alison's already got her idea, about a fashionista who travels the world. She's going to make a little motorcycle jacket for her dog. Robert still can't get his dog to hold still. Angela's is far more docile, probably depressed and thinking "Oh, crap. What sort of shit is this woman going to dress me in?". Angela's story is about a British headmistress of an art camp (Jubilee Jumbles. No, I'm not making that up.) in Paris. The headmistress is throwing a birthday party for the camp's mascot, Pattycake. Why would the head of a prestigious European art camp throw a birthday party for her dog? Why would an art camp have a mascot? Why am I trying to delve into Angela's psyche?

Robert still can't make his dog hold still. Heh. Keith says he'll make a collar for the dog, but that's about it, because dressing up the dog is stupid. But...it's part of the challenge. Who cares if it's stupid? Just do it. It's not as if everyone's going to think it was your idea to make a little jumper for the dog or whatever. Keith is such a tool. Vincent's dog is apparently a boy, yet has a little yellow bow in his hair. I'm really not willing to take Vincent's word for anything. Katie's dog gives her a high five. Awwwwww! Tim comes in to announce that time's up, and we get the first and only shot of the Mysterious Black Man and his dog since the designers arrived at the park. He doesn't get to speak, of course. Bonnie's dog leaps up and gives her a kiss. Awwwwww! At the fabric store, Alison knows exactly what she wants, Uli picks up a leopard print fabric that looks a little tacky at first glance, and Kayne gets a psychadelic, colorful print that looks like something a go-go dancer would wear. I mean that as a compliment. He compares fabric with Laura and Robert. Robert's got a pink, plaid tweed. Laura's got more staid, reserved fabrics, and kids that hers is more tasteful than theirs. Robert easily snaps back that Laura always confuses taste and style. Heh. Kayne gets all offended in an interview. Dude. She was kidding. Chill.

Back at the workroom, the designers have six hours to work. The dogs have vanished. Katie interviews that it's tough to create a dress, because her background is more in casual sportswear. Tim never said they had to make a dress. He said to create a woman's outfit based around a story. Why not go ahead and make sportswear for this challenge? Odd. Angela blabs some twaddle about spring colors because her dog was born in spring, and says that she's making little rosettes out of different colors of fabric. Um. Robert shares his story with us. Park Avenue princess is checking into rehab and needs someone to watch her dog for the weekend. Hahahaha. He says he hates making up stories like that, and that they're stupid. Ironic that his will turn out to be one of the best. Also, note that he thinks it's stupid, but is doing it anyway, because it's part of the challenge, Keith. Half an hour left in Day One. Laura is practically finished already. Jeepers. Worrysome "Designer In Trouble" music. Shot of Bradley. Keith interviews that he's daydreamy and has time-management issues. I'd like to disagree, but it looks like he's right. Bradley interviews that his original vision for the top was too hard to sew, and after making various adjustments, decided to scrap the whole damn thing and try again. Alison comes over to talk to him, and he tells her that tomorrow's going to be hectic. They've struck up quite the little friendship. Everyone leaves the workroom to go to bed. Bradley stays behind for a minute, worrying about what he's going to do.

Commercials. AmerenUE is working hard to restore your power, St. Louis! Sure, the lion's share of the blame for your eight-day outage is probably theirs, but they'll have you back on and running soon! Of course, if you don't have electricity, you're not seeing this commercial, but what's a little logic when it comes to blatant ass-covering?

Morning. The Mysterious Black Man's head and torso are covered by a comforter, but his legs are sticking out, making him look like a cult member who just drank the Kool-Aid. Various people drink coffee, and then it's off to work. Vincent, wearing the same shirt he seems to wear in every interview ever, says that it's "going to come down to the wire". I guess he means time-wise. Jeffrey sets a new record by having two interviews in a row without pissing me off. This one's about how designing for people and dogs is essentially the same, and that the designers in the room all have a unique point of view. Vincent shows off the polka dot outfit he's made for the dog with its accompanying white hat. It looks like a drag queen outfit. He cracks himself up to the point where he can barely speak. He goes on to be disdainful in an interview of the people who aren't concentrating enough on their dog's outfit. No matter how valid his point is, I don't really think the guy who has yet to place out of the bottom three gets to give advice or moralistic lectures on anything.

In the sewing room, Katie asks how Bradley's new design is coming along. He says that everything should be fine as long as everything goes smoothly. Oh, dear. He reiterates that he's had to restart his top. Someone announces that Bradley's birthday is tomorrow. Everyone cheers. LAURA IS WEARING HER SUNGLASSES INSIDE. I CAN'T TAKE IT!!!! Here's the part where I owe Jeffrey a small apology. In last week's preview, I thought I heard him say "I hope Bradley goes home on his birthday," but what he actually says is "What if Bradley goes home on his birthday?" That's not assholish. My bad! Keith interviews that he hopes Bradley will survive elimination, but that he is taking way too long. "If he had just gone with his vision, it still couldn't have been any worse than anything Angela did." Hahahahaha! That is so cruel! And yet, so true. He goes on to say that her outfit looks like a big bag of Skittles. Hey, don't insult Skittles! Odd music starts that would normally be used to announce something like "Here come the gauchos!" Here, it's used to point out the weird-ass outfit Angela's putting together. I don't even know what to make of those poofy cloth rosettes at this point.

Meanwhile, Keith himself isn't winning any popularity contests. He's trying to find a sewing machine to work on, and is sarcastically pestering everyone else about which one he wants. Even Jeffrey's like "Man, is that guy full of himself". Laura interviews that she's had a problem with Keith over the past couple of weeks. Presumably because she's normal and he's an egomaniac. She talks with Michael, who finally gets the dignity of an interview and a name. Of course, all he gets to say is that Keith is hogging the sewing machines. Laura goes in to throw down with Keith on Michael's behalf. Having a skinny, 42-year-old white woman fighting Michael's battles for him is the funniest thing ever, by the way. "I'm just tryin' to protect mah maaayun!" she says in full-on ghetto voice. Laura interviews that Keith is a shithead and is arrogant. Keith interviews that Laura is a "bad mommy", whatever the hell that means. Bradley interviews that he's trying to avoid all the personality clashes, because he's got enough on his plate right now, what with the garment construction issues he's having.

Evening. Two hours left. Tim checks in. Katie's top is layered fabric in different shades of green. I'm generally predisposed to liking anything green, but I'm not feeling it right now. She says that her dog will be wearing a hooded sweater, which is cute, but the model's dress is too simple. Tim says basically that. Katie suggests putting together a quick matching hoodie for the model, and Tim thinks it's a good idea. Tim tells Uli that he was suspicious of her fabric choice at first, but that it's really coming together now. Uli always has a look on her face like she's waiting for the axe to drop. Tim is also very happy with Alison's work, especially the little leather jacket she's made for her poodle. Worrysome music. Tim tells Keith that his dress is great and innovative. Across the room, Laura rolls her eyes. Heh. Keith tells Tim that the type of woman who would wear this dress wouldn't dress her dog up. Nice try, ass. Tim duhs that the dog outfit is part of the challenge, and that Keith would be unwise to ignore it.

Wow. Angela. I'll save description for the runway show, but suffice it to say... Ew. Tim settles for "over the top". Uli interviews that she was worried for Angela, because she didn't understand her design. It's kind of her to put it like that, rather than "What the fuck is that girl thinking?", which is what everyone viewing this episode in my living room said. Bradley. Tim really dislikes the top, and asks Bradley to explain it. Bradley says something about how it reflects his dog's personality, but Tim says that if the top's not pretty (which it isn't), it won't matter how well it matches the story or the dog. He tells Bradley to redo it. Yeek. Bradley exhales worriedly. Tim leaves. Work montage. Uli's dog outfit has the words "Hi, Ladies" on the side for the judges. Huh. I guess the contestants know who all the judges will be ahead of time. Keith advises Bradley to do an extremely simplistic top to save time. Vincent likens Bradley's style to jumping off a bridge and finding things on the way down. OK, then. As time runs out, Bradley is still unhappy with the top. He considers not showing the outfit at all, which Keith says is impossible. Yes, the same Keith who has completely ignored his dog. Bradley doesn't want to get eliminated on his birthday, but doesn't know what he's going to do. He pretends to hang himself. Aw.

Commercials. It's probably wise that the woman in the Home Depot commercial is shown for all of two seconds, given her haircut.

Morning. I'm glad nobody films me in the morning, because I suspect I'd look as horrible as these people. Keith is forced to give an interview while still half-asleep, and I'm impressed he was able to identify what challenge he's working on. I can't spell my name until I've been up for a while. Bradley is nervous. Katie says that they don't want Bradley to go home on his birthday. "Heh caaand gah haame ahn hees buuurfday," Bonnie agrees as she brushes her teeth. Workroom. There's an hour before the models arrive. Tim comes over to check on Bradley and to wish him a happy birthday. His top is still a mess, and there's been nothing made for the dog, either. Oh, dear. He goes into overdrive work mode. Ah, those. Never fun. The models start coming in, so that was a fast hour. Clarissa skips up to Bradley, who gives her the bad news that they may not even have anything to show. She says that she really doesn't want to go home, and good point. It's one thing for designers to fall on the sword, but quite another to essentially eliminate the model right along with them. Luckily, Clarissa's predicament motivates Bradley to pull something together rather than giving up. He sends her to hair and makeup. Alison supervises her model's styling session. She's confident in her work on this challenge, and wants to win. She's still really pretty, by the way, and I'm glad that she's not so robotic this week. Clarissa gossips about Bradley not being done with the makeup artist.

Tim makes another announcement. The other models are coming in. Yay! The human models bring them in. Uli's dog rests its head on her boobs. Heh. Laura seems happier with her dog now, seemingly because she stood there and let Laura pull the outfit on. Vincent's dog looks downright goofy.

Limecrete: "He really does look like a drag queen."
Kenda: "He looks like Thurston Howell."

Keith delusionally thinks that he's going to win the challenge. Katie takes pictures of her model holding the dog. She interviews that she didn't have time to finish making the hooded jacket for her model, because she had to finish up the dog's outfit. Bradley finally finishes up by creating a poofy top for his model and a simple little fabric collar for the dog. Time for the show. Uli's model looks down at the dog she's carrying and makes a disgusted face at the camera. Did it just pee on her?

Commercials. Shut up, Collier Strong.

Runway. Heidi describes the entire challenge again. Tonight's judges will be Vera Wang, Nina Garcia, and Ivanka Trump (Donald's daughter, who's very pretty). Let's start the show! I wonder how they determine the order. Anyhow, Kayne's dress is up first, with models Katia (human) and Molly (dog). The skirt is really pretty. It's that psychadelic print fabric. There's a black vinyl belt and a white, cleavage-baring top. The headband matches the skirt, as does the lining of the vinyl cape draped from her shoulders. The dog's outfit is less impressive. It's a black vinyl wrap with a weird, vampiric collar and a swath of the print fabric pinned on. Kayne's hair is getting redder and redder, while his cheeks appear to be getting plumper. I swear he's morphing into Strawberry Shortcake right before our eyes. If he gets a poofy hat, we'll know for sure. Uli's dress, modeled by Lindsay and Einstein. It's cute. The front is a print that's just as busy as Kayne's but not as bright. The back incorporates straps of the leopard print material. There's also a jacket. Einstein's outfit is made of the same leopard-print fabric, and when he turns to walk back down the runway, the judges get the "Hi, Ladies" message flashed at them. Nina is delighted. Next is Robert's dress, modeled by Danielle the Sevenhead and Chanel. Luckily, Danielle has been given a swept-forward hairstyle so her enormous face is covered. The model's outfit is pretty. The skirt is pink, plaid tweed, and the top is white and flowing, with bows at the chest. As with Kayne's, the dog is underdesigned for. It's a wrap of pink with some of the tweed material overlaid on it.

Alison's dress, modeled by Toni and Pepito. It's interesting. There's a white jacket that closes at the neck, but is otherwise open. The dress beneath is fitted white fabric with black leggings, and her hair is swept straight back, forming a sort of faux-hawk. Pepito has a white leather jacket with brassy buttons. I don't like the white leather on a white dog, but it's a good idea, design-wise. Bradley's dress, modeled by Clarissa and Stanley. I like his color combination a lot. The skirt is dark blue-gray, while the top is shimmering gold. Stanley's collar is made of the dark blue material and comes to cute little points, much like a sailor's collar. He looks adorable. And the much discussed top? I don't like it. It's poofy, which I understand is popular in the fashion industry, but I don't get. Keith's dress, modeled by Nazri and Morgan. The dress is super cool. It's a dark red material, and is sleeveless, but what's really neat about it is the collar. It's folded over on itself in a circle so that it makes a ring of points, like Nazri's head is sticking out of a bear trap or something. I'm not describing it well, but it's pretty. And Morgan? Nothing. Keith voices-over some blah about how the dog doesn't need accessories, but we've heard it all before, and he's just as wrong now as he was then.

Bonnie's dress, modeled by Marilinda and Sparkle. Ugh, way to ruin a completely adorable Boston terrier with a stupid name. I can't quite make out what Sparkle's outfit is supposed to look like. It looks like a dairy cow print. Marilinda's outfit is a simple black dress with a long white jacket. I like the jacket, but it's unremarkable otherwise. Katie's dress, modeled by Amanda and Talulah. The garment never got the elaboration it needed. It's the same simple, green-layered dress we saw in the beginning stages. It's certainly not bad; just overly basic, like entering standard chocolate chip cookies into a baking contest. Talulah's hooded green sweater is very cute, though. Michael's dress, modeled by Alexandra and Carly. Who, who, and who? Poor Michael. He's going to have to start throwing tantrums or something, just to get a little screen time. The dress is interesting. It's a little boring in that all the clothes are monochromatic (sort of a golden-brown), but it's tailored very well. The top is criss-crossing bands of fabric that almost completely cover the chest, but grant little peeks through here and there. The bottom of the skirt is fitted and the hems have a regular pattern of slits that look pretty neat.

Vincent's dress, modeled by Jia and Lil' A. It's ugly. Everything Vincent has made has been ugly. What is he doing on this show? It's a simple black dress over black leggings (that stop at the calf) and a black beret. Lil' A has a polka dot outfit and a white hat. I'm still exhausted with Vincent from last week, so I'll just give him a "feh" and move on. Laura's dress, modeled by Katie and Sophia. It's chic and preppy, just like Laura has done in the past. Ralph Lauren must be her hero. It's a tweed dress with a fur collar that comes down to the chest, and the fur is used at the cuffs as well. Sophia has a matching outfit, and the fur trim has given her a sort of lion's mane. Heh. Oh, dear God. I can't put off Angela's outfit any more. Here it is, modeled by Camilla and Pattycake (I refuse to make that two words like the subtitles did). OK, so it's sort of a black fabric sleeveless top, bare midriff, poofy pink skirt (similar to the tutu-lookin' monstrosity Angela herself wore last week) with multicolored rosettes hanging off, and thigh high boots. Pattycake doesn't look much better, being swathed in a bunch of the black fabric and rosettes at the paws. This outfit looks like stuff Cyndi Lauper threw out in 1982 because it was too over-the-top for her.

Jeffrey's dress, modeled by Javi and Flex. It's my favorite of the things Jeffrey has done, because it actually looks like a dress this week. There are three overlapping layers of off-white fabric in the skirt, and the top is multicolored brown fabric and two spaghetti straps coming up to the neck. It's tough to see what Flex has on, but I can tell you he has sleeves, which is funny. On the way back down the runway, Flex starts rubbing himself on the ground, probably trying to get his outfit off. Hehehe. That whole show was awesome. Thumbs up on the challenge design this week. The designers step onto the runway. Step forward when called. Alison. Bradley. Keith. Angela. Katie. Uli. If she hasn't called your name, see you next week. The remaining designers have the highest and lowest scores. The models emerge.

The judges start with Uli. Her story is about a woman who goes shopping, then goes to bed, then eats lunch with her friends, then goes shopping again. Um. All right, then. Ivanka approves of the story, and all of the judges love the dress overall, especially the leopard-print straps in the back. Yeah, those are great. Vera likes that the dog's outfit made her look more feminine, since pugs often look so "butch". Katie. Her story is about Talulah, and how since she's sporty, her owner is very simple and only dresses up on occasion, to go to Sunday brunch or whatever. These people are terrible at making up stories. Heidi likes Talulah's outfit more than the one Amanda's wearing. Ivanka admits the dress is very wearable, but agrees that it's too simple. Nina, who always has an eagle eye for spotting unfinished hems...spots an unfinished hem. Katie blames the sewing machines. It doesn't fly, and Talulah starts whimpering a bit. Heh. Alison. Her story is about a Japanese woman who works in the fashion industry and insists on traveling with her dog. She's in New York to act as a buyer at Fashion Week. OK, that's much better than "Um...well, she's a woman who...eats lunch!" The judges love her story, love the dress, love the dog's outfit, and love the hairstyle that Alison suggested for Toni. Alison grins.

Angela. Heidi tells her that the model looks a lot like what Angela herself wears. Ouch. Angela recounts her ridiculous story of the British woman running a French art camp or whatever. Nina gets a smile on her face as she looks down at her scoring card, clearly thinking that Angela couldn't be more full of shit. Heidi asks how old the kids at the camp would be, and Angela says they'd be six through twelve. The judges pounce on the fact that the director of a camp with kids that young wouldn't look like a streetwalker. Nina can't even come up with anything to say, she hates the outfit so much. Vera says the skirt is draped well, but Angela needs to focus on style. As Heidi addresses Bradley, Stanley starts to whimper and bark a bit. Heh. Heidi tells Stanley he's a bad boy, and I can't do the line justice, but it was hilarious. Bradley calms him down by bending over and picking him up to pet him, which is so cute, I about melted. His story is that Clarissa is an architect that appreciates simplicity and structure. That's not really a story. After a suspenseful pause, Vera tells him she really likes the idea of the outfit and the color combinations. Hey, that's what I said! Call me, Vera! She also likes Clarissa's hairstyle, which I'm pretty sure Bradley had nothing to do with. Nina likes the outfit's look in profile. The judges also like the collar he's made for Stanley. Nina calls the whole thing "daring" and says that she could picture shooting it for Elle. So Bradley pulled a top three placement directly out of his ass. It's nice, because I like him, but I'm still a bit suspicious of the choice. I wouldn't put it past the producers to pull a few backstage strings so that Bradley the Underdog comes from behind on his birthday to wow the judges. It's just very...neat.

Keith. He says that the woman Nazri represents is sophisticated, modern, and elegant. Since she has a rare breed of dog, she doesn't want to dress her up. Subtle. The judges fail to be idiots, and address the fact that Morgan doesn't have an outfit. Keith says that he styled the dog (with the collar), but Heidi points out that the collar is an accessory, not an outfit that Keith constructed. Nina likes the dress, but is disappointed in the lack of a dog outfit. Angela grins. That may have not been the true reaction shot, but still. Shut up, Angela. Heidi asks how the judges are supposed to judge him on the challenge, when he didn't complete it. He says he did, because Morgan is wearing a sash. Heidi asks if he made the sash, and his facade of bullshit caves in. Nina tells him that if he's going to give the judges a hard time, they're going to give him a hard time right back. Heidi gets up and comes over to Morgan to inspect her neck, and tells the other judges that what Keith is trying to pass off as his work is a bracelet with a tiny sash of fabric that he's put on. Guess your snow jobs need work, Keith. The designers are sent off. Deliberations. Bradley's was interesting and original. Uli has a good eye for color and thought about the dog's outfit. Alison was the only one to understand the full look. Katie's dog hoodie was nice, but that's about it. Angela is a tacky mess. Keith is an arrogant prick, but his dress was lovely. The designers are called back out.

This week's nice thing about someone I don't like: There's a church within walking distance of my apartment and serves as my polling place when elections and such roll around. It seems to be full of your run-of-the-mill, anti-intellectual, hyper-religious bigots, but man, do I like having them there, because it means it takes me practically no time to vote.

Decision. We start with the challenge winner this week. Uli. Aw, that's nice. She's been turning out consistently good work. I note that she still has that look of panic on her face, like Heidi's about to tell her she was just kidding, and that Uli should get the hell out of her sight. Alison looks disappointed. She's the next one declared safe. Bradley is in. He tells Alison and Uli backstage how surprised he is. Yeah, no kidding. Heidi tells Keith that he may have won this challenge, had he actually completed it. He's in. He gives a Santinish interview that I'm not really anxious to revisit. So it's down to Katie and Angela. Katie's outfit was poorly executed and uninspired. Angela has shitty taste. Angela... Is... In. Crap! What sort of monkey turd is she going to have to make to get cut? I guess Katie got eliminated precisely because Angela has such bad taste. Bad taste = fodder for discussion. Fodder for discussion = ratings. So it's poor, boring Katie who must take the walk of shame. In her exit interview, she is disappointed, and disagrees that her outfit was uninspired. She liked this outfit, and having to leave for an outfit she's not embarrassed by is the best way to go. That's probably a healthy way to look at it. She leaves a note wishing everyone else luck. Bye, Katie! Please take that thing out of your chin.

Next week on Project Runway: Blah, blah real world industry experience. Who cares? Next week is the scandal that has rocked the water cooler for days! Someone's getting kicked off! Who will it be? Oh, please let it be Keith.

Overall Grade: A-

Fit For A Queen

Project Runway - Season 3, Episode 2

Previously on Project Runway: The designers' traditional first challenge of "innovation" took the form of ripping their living quarters to shreds. Keith had never made a dress in his life. Jeffrey thought everyone else was doing "remedial" work. Vincent threw a bunch of tacky shit together and thought it was artsy. The judges loved Keith's simple, elegant dress, granting him immunity in the next challenge. Despite Jeffrey's bluster, his craptacular outfit landed him in the bottom two. And Stacey, though a perfectly nice woman, was a bit out of her depth in the design department and was the first little Indian to get the axe. Fourteen designers remain. Who will be out tonight?

Opening credits. Alison drones "I'M. GOING. TO. WIN." KatieBot would be proud.

Morning. Angela feels bad about Stacey's elimination, but basically shrugs it off. Keith is shaving (with an old-fashioned shaving brush - get some Edge, Jasper) while voicing-over that he doesn't really care about immunity, because he knows he's going to create something beautiful. Malan says that he's feeling good and confident today, and that he really likes the other designers. Malan may as well have painted a bullseye on his forehead. And hey, everyone's room is magically put back together again after last week's destruction! Thanks, Mary Poppins!

Runway. Heidi comes out looking less attractive than usual. Gnat points out that it's probably because her hair is pulled back tightly behind her head, which makes her ears stick out. Anyway, it's time for the model selection. As with last season, the model paired with the winner of the season gets a spread in Elle. Keith gets to go first, and he snags Nazri without hesitation. Good idea. She's gorgeous. The rest of the designers will go in a random order. Vincent - Jia. Lindsay must be sighing with relief right now after the hell he put her through last week. Katie - Amanda. She's a cute redhead. Bradley jumps from Camilla to Clarissa. Neither model looks thrilled. Malan sticks with Moon. She's very pretty. Laura chooses Katie. Bonnie, wearing a stupid tan newsboy cap, jumps from Toni to Marilinda, saving Stacey's model from elimination. Kayne chooses Katia. Angela takes Camilla. Camilla looks relieved to be spared elimination, but you can tell she's not wild about being stuck with Angela. Uli takes Lindsay. Lindsay's gone up in the world. Although anyone would be "up" from Vincent. Jeffrey takes Javi. She's wearing her hair in the most unflattering style ever. We never get to see Michael or Robert choose their model, because how could that be important to the show? Feh. They probably stuck with their original models (Alexandra and Danielle the Sevenhead, respectively), so Alison gets to choose between Candace and Toni. She doesn't even pause before taking Toni. Burn! See ya, Candace! Model group hug backstage.

Back out on the runway, it's time to introduce the next challenge. The designers will be working for an "icon of American beauty". George Clooney? Oh. No, it's Tara Conner, the reigning Miss USA. I originally heard her name as Sarah Conner, which made me giggle endlessly. Who wouldn't love to see Miss USA toting two semi-automatics? The designers freak out, especially Kayne. I'd freak out too if I were in the same room with those eyebrows. Those things have been plucked to... Normally, I'd say "within an inch of their lives", but we're way beyond that. More to within an angstrom of their lives. Besides that, she's pretty. The designers will be creating evening gowns for her to judge. As you may or may not know, the evening gown competition of the Miss Universe pageant counts for 1/3 of the final score, and Tara will wear the winning design in the upcoming pageant. Everyone's excited. Of course, nobody knew at this point that Santino would be one of the judges at Miss Universe, so it probably didn't matter how tasteful these gowns turned out, as long as they have lots of shit hanging off of them. Heidi sends the designers to the workroom, and graciously allows Tara to change out of her poofy dress and tiara before meeting them there.

Workroom. Tim reiterates to the designers how important the gown is to the competition, so this is an important challenge. He asks Tara to describe what she's looking for. She says she's the second-shortest girl in the pageant, so she wants something elongating. Earth tones and monochromatic tones (besides white) are also a plus. Nobody who likes earth tones can be all bad. Finally, the dress shouldn't be too revealing. Tim adds that there is just one more thing. Uh, oh. We all know what that means, Columbo. He tells them that they'll be working in teams of two. Thud of Doom. Angela looks around. She interviews that she's never made a gown proper before, so she's hoping to get paired with someone who's got excellent construction skills. Shot of Kayne. All fourteen designers have half an hour to sketch ideas for Tara that they will then pitch to her. Tara will pick seven to be made.

The countdown starts, and people get to sketching. Jeffrey is nervous that this is going to be a "pageant" dress, because he doesn't have experience in that area. Those are his quotes, not mine. Um, it's an actual pageant dress. Does he think the gowns are going to be used as ironing board covers at the last minute? Learn grammar before you play with it, Junior. Malan is working on something that will give Tara a long, hourglass figure. Angela is drawing.... Well, nothing. She's pestering Kayne, trying to cajole him into having her on his team. Is she coasting? In the second episode? She's not even trying to come up with her own ideas! Not really sure you can ride other people's coattails to the end of the season, twit. Kayne sees right through her. Jeffrey interviews that she was "sussing people out" and "looking for a free ride". Hey, for once I agree with him, except the only "people" she was sussing was Kayne. Sorry if I shattered anyone's illusion of her clinging to Jeffrey's leg, begging to be on his team because his feather explosion dress last week was so wonderful. Tim enters to tell them that time is up. Angela takes her talons out of Kayne and wanders off. He looks up at the camera and whispers "She's getting on my nerves." Hehehehe.

Cute Bradley's up first. He's got the earth tones down. He also talks about fullness and ruffles. Laura tells Tara about her architectural background. Her drawing is very precise, and the gown looks simple and pretty, with sparkles drawn in. Heh. Michael's sketches have a Grecian goddess thing going on. Bonnie's asymmetrical sketch is actually very cute, but I can't tear myself away from her ugly hat on top of her ugly hair. I don't trust designers that can't make themselves look good. Jeffrey says something about a "strong warrior structure". Your guess is as good as mine. The porn jazz background music starts up as Keith fondles Tara's boobs and tells her she has gorgeous legs. No, really. It's like an Afterschool Special all of a sudden. Katie has a vague, green sketch of a dress that she says will make Tara lean and long. Vincent's dress is even more vague and he babbles crazily. Tara nods a lot, longing to be out of this conversation. Kayne. "I'mgoingtotalkamillionmilesaminute,becauseIhavesomuchtosaytoyou. IloveyouIwatchthepageantI'mwayintopageantsblahblahblah. TwoofmysistersdidpageantssoIknowalotaboutthemanyway..." Hehehe. Tara grins as he outlines his dress, because it's so obvious how into this challenge he is. Robert tells Tara to think JLo (or however it's spelled) at the Oscars. Yes, she certainly never wears anything revealing. Malan says that the silhouette is very important to him. Alison's sketch looks like a straitjacket. Uli talks about layers or panels. It went by fast, and she has a strong accent. Angela enters with a blank pad of paper. Sigh. She says she doesn't sketch, and asks Tara questions like how she feels about "umpire" waists. Is there such a thing, or is she just mispronouncing "empire"? She also asks how Tara feels about gloves. Tara gives a thumbs down on that. She even rolls her eyes a little bit. I like snarky beauty queens! Wait, is Angela asking Tara to give her ideas? After spending her sketching time begging Kayne to put her on his team? Man, is she dead weight.

Tim gathers everyone so that Tara can announce the seven team leaders. Keith. I guess she liked getting felt up. Uli. Vincent. Maybe he threatened to eat her lungs. Laura. Malan. Jeffrey. And of course, Kayne. Tara leaves and Tim lines up the designers to get picked. Being picked one by one like this is heartwrenching, isn't it? Tim will draw names randomly, and reminds the team leaders that teamwork will be considered in the judging. Uli interviews that she's nervous, because she's used to doing things alone. Vincent interviews that people really need to make sure that they team up with the right person. They don't show everyone desperately avoiding eye contact with him, but you know it's got to be happening.

Commercials. Hey, look at these neat color-changing sunglasses! Except that they don't really do that! But... Um... Buy them anyway!

Tim draws names. Laura chooses Michael. Kayne chooses Robert. He interviews that he probably would have chosen Angela, had she not pestered him during the sketching time. Sweet karma, how I love thee. Jeffrey chooses Alison. No doubt it's because she's such a fabulous designer and not because she's stacked. Malan takes Katie. Uli takes Bonnie. Keith takes Bradley. And who does that leave on the playground, all by herself? Poor, lazy Angela. Ha! Keith interviews that Bradley's aesthetic is wildly different from his own, but faced with a choice between him and Angela, it was easy. That leaves Vincent stuck with Angela. I'm trying to figure out whom I feel sorrier for, and failing. He tries to soften the blow by announcing that he'd be "happy to work with Alison." "Angela," she corrects. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Moby-ish music plays as Tim tells the teams that they have two days and a $300 budget. Everyone heads to Mood, the fabric store.

Hot! Fabric! Choosing! Action! Malan side-talks that the challenge is a good one for him, and selects some warm, brown fabric. The brown is warm, that is. Not the fabric. Although that may be warm, too. I think hunger is messing with my brain. OK, I've downed two bowls of oatmeal. That ought to help. Kayne selects an iridescent purple fabric, which he admits isn't the earth tone that Tara suggested. Actually, the undertones look sort of brown when the fabric shimmers. Besides, it's really pretty regardless. Jeffrey is completely disdainful of Kayne's fabric choice, wondering how he'll "explain it away". Vincent and Angela's meltdown begins almost immediately as she needles him about how much time they've got left and he needles her back about how she's making him nervous with the constant nagging. She explains in an interview that she's not inspired by Vincent's designs at all, and I have to say I feel her on that one. Imagine you were trapped into assisting the guy who sent that basket hat down the runway last week. Time runs out.

Workroom. Nine hours left. People unpack and start draping the mannequins. Robert interviews that he and Kayne keep cracking each other up, so it looks like they're both happy with the team. Laura interviews that she chose Michael because she thought he'd question what she normally does, presumably to keep her from becoming one-note. She's a bright one. Bonnie interviews that everyone's wondering if it's going to be a one-person or two-person elimination, hoping for the former. In the workroom, she tells Uli that she wants to see people start fighting. She's about to get her wish. Angela asks Vincent if he wants help draping the skirt, and he tells her to "hang", which he is too old to say. She has absolutely nothing to do, despite offering multiple times to help. Finally, she wanders away into the break room. Vincent calls for her soon after, but she's gone. I don't want to seem unsympathetic to Angela. I mean, she's stuck in the worst team, and she's got to be thinking that Vincent is an anchor who's dragging her to elimination. I'd probably be cantankerous in that situation, too. But she's already admitted to knowing nothing about gown construction. She can't do work if she's not in the workroom, and it's not as if she didn't put herself into this position by not doing a lick of work in the design part of this challenge. So I guess I am unsympathetic to Angela. Suck it up, princess.

Three hours left. Keith assumes that Bradley's worried about the team because Keith has immunity, and would slack off. He smarms that he's a great designer, so Bradley doesn't have anything to worry about, because he's going to turn out a good product. Glad you can make assumptions about Bradley's thoughts, then dismiss them, then act like an arrogant prick. Your parents must be so proud. Katie's glad that Malan has picked her, because she can learn a lot about gown construction from him. Malan interviews that he's self-taught as far as fashion goes. Soulful music starts up as he tells us that when he was a teenager, he took a stack of sketches to his mother, who threw them on the floor and told him that they'd never amount to anything. Well, that sucks. I have to say that my parents have been very supportive of everything I've ever wanted to try, and judging from the personalities of the people with mommy issues on TV, I'm very grateful for that. Malan hopes that appearing on Project Runway will prove his worthiness to his mother. This whole scene is very awkward. Plus, it's kind of weird that they're asking us to like Malan now, when he's been edited as a huge douchebag for the past two weeks.

Anyway, everyone goes into overdrive work mode. Bradley affects a mildly racist Asian accent. Bonnie makes a marking. Bradley spills water messily into his mouth. With ten minutes left, Angela brings up her concerns with Vincent's design, saying she made one like it in college. I thought she said she had never made gowns. She offers some advice, and Vincent ignores her, interviewing that he's the team leader, so it's his call. The notion that maybe she was trying to help because Vincent's got awful taste doesn't occur to him. He just interprets it as her trying to usurp power. She continues being bitchy and he continues being crazy. They deserve each other. Midnight hits. Uli's excited about going to bed. Hehe.

Commercials. Take this mood-enhancing drug so that you can enjoy making a salad with your loved ones.

Day Two. Tim enters the workroom and greets everyone. Uli shows him the layers she's sewing into the dress. Tim likes the concept, but tells her and Bonnie that it's going to need perfect finishing if they want to bring it off. Uli's satisfied with their progress so far. Tim advises Kayne to fold down the ruffles a bit. Worrysome "This Designer Is In Trouble" Music. It's hard to describe, but I've been hearing it since the beginning of last season, and when it plays, someone's getting a smackdown. Tim tells Vincent that he's disappointed in his dress. Vincent tries to play it off. Angela smiles smugly. OK, I hate her. Tim asks her how she feels, and she says that as a designer, she wouldn't want her name attached to this dress. Vincent pretends to not be upset in an interview, saying that "that's the type of person she is". The type to call out your shitty dress? Hey, Vincent. Remember when you gleefully told us that you get to make all the design decisions, because you're the team leader? Now you get to accept responsibility for those decisions. Man, this team is exhausting, because I can't stay on either side for long. They both suck.

Tim tells Malan that his dress looks heavy, and that it appears to have been carved out of a big log. He's pretty much right. The top is very ruffly and unflattering. Tim tells him and Katie to work hard. I fear that the WE LOVE TIM!!!! orgasm coming from every media outlet has hurt this show, because "work hard" and "I'm disappointed" and "be objective" aren't very helpful. I'm scared they're going to make him into a catchphrase machine, and I don't want to lose the wonderfully firm, yet respectful Tim Gunn, who gives the designers useable advice. Tim leaves. That's all the conferences we see. I sure do wonder who will be in the top and bottom! We've heard nary a peep from Michael and Laura (boo!) nor from Jeffrey and Alison (yay!). BRAVO just released this big statement scolding some newspaper for providing a spoiler for the first episode. Pretty disingenuous, when they make it impossible to not know who's going to tank. Plus there was that "Who do you think should be eliminated?" poll in a commercial during the first episode, which listed the people who wound up in the bottom three that week. Let's step up the editing, please. You're nominated for an Emmy now. Act like it.

Break room. Keith asks Angela if she and Vincent aren't getting along. She lies that they are. He calls her on it, clearly trying to sow discord. She gets her one good line in of the episode as she responds "Well, I don't value your opinion in this situation, so..." Hahaha! Suck it, Count Smarmula. Angela goes on to say that Vincent's made it clear that he's in charge of the dress, implying that he'll be the one to sink or swim on it. Katie's trying to take Tim's "heavy" admonition to heart, telling Malan that it looks like they've got too much fabric. She suggests losing some around the middle, but Malan says that he wants to keep it. Katie interviews that no woman is going to want to wear something like that on the runway, then bluntly tells Malan that if this dress gets called out during judging, he gets to defend it. She doesn't say it meanly; she just makes it clear that she's not going to take heat for ideas that weren't her own. Fair enough. It's his design, and he's resisting any change to it. Plus, she didn't get all passive-aggressive like Angela's being.

Work montage. Laura takes something off the bottom of her dress, saying it'll make the model look like she's pooping. Hehe. It's a crime that we haven't focused on her more tonight. Kayne tells Robert that they're going to sew rhinestones until their fingernails bleed. "She's a beauty queen, not a disco ball," Robert tosses back. Heh. I may come around on Robert. Forty-five minutes left. Angela and Vincent have the same fight about the dress that they've been having all episode. He smacks her down again as "team leader" and tells her she doesn't get to claim any credit if this dress wins. He's apparently hoping the runway show will be held in a parallel dimension. Time runs out.

Back at the Atlas, Angela incredulously tells her roommates that Vincent really supports the dress. Laura warns her that Vincent's successfully defended crap on the runway before. Angela vows to speak up for herself should it come to that on the runway. The men are discussing Angela as well. Keith thinks she's transparent. Score one for him. Vincent opines that she'll knife him in the back. Where have you been, Vincent? She'll knife you in the front with a big, wide grin as she does it. Jeffrey, sensing that he's gotten no attention this episode, leans out of the bathroom, and sums Angela up as a "Feminazi". Um, that really has nothing to do with why Angela's annoying at all. AT ALL. Shut up, ass. And put some clothes on.

Morning. Tim tells the designers they have two hours to get the models ready to go. The models come in. Dressing montage. Kayne is happy to discover that the dress fits his model well. Katie describes her team's fitting as nervewracking, because the gown turned out to be half a foot too short. Yeeks. She's worried about a double elimination for a design that's not hers. Vincent asks Angela how much time they've got. You know, the very thing he asked her to stop telling him in the fabric shop. After asking her to find out for sure, she insists that they have to be ready at 12:15. It's actually 12:30, so you can see how much she cares. He yells at her. At this point, I hope it is a double elimination. Freaks. Boring hair and makeup montage. Tim gathers everyone for the show. Malan is concerned about the length of the skirt, saying that there wasn't enough time to fix it.

Commercials. Why are there ambulance chaser commercials on this late at night?

Runway. Heidi enters with her hair pulled back again, so yuck. She recaps the challenge, then introduces the judges. Vera Wang is filling in for Michael Kors tonight. Cool! Nina is here, as is Tara Conner, of course. Tara gets to pick the winner, but all the judges get to collaborate on the loser. Let's start the show! First up is the Jeffrey/Alison dress, modeled by Toni. It's ugly. I'm sorry, it's "deconstructed". The bottom is flowing, brown fabric with vertical seams that make it look wrinkly. The waist is asymmetrical, which makes it look like it doesn't fit. The bodice is shiny gold fabric (no, really) at the waist and coming up over one boob, while the other is covered by darker gold fabric. Yuck.

Keith/Bradley dress, modeled by Nazri. It's a very flowing material in dark pink. There's a lot of quick cuts to designers and judges, so I can't really see specifics. Since we saw all of three minutes of this team this week, does it really matter? Vincent/Angela dress, modeled by Jia. This is the result of all that fighting? It's so...bland. It's a cleavage-baring, acid green dress that doesn't fit in the boobs at all. The shoulders have ill-advised extra fabric so that Jia looks much broader than she really is. The bottom is pretty, if unremarkable. Kayne/Robert dress, modeled by Katia. It's purty. The iridescent purple does seem to throw off earth tones as Katia walks. There are rhinestones around the neck and back which come down to meet the dress and continue on to the bellybutton. There are ruffles from the thigh down, and the whole effect is exactly what Tara asked for.

Malan/Katie dress, modeled by Amanda. It's unflattering. The copper color in the bottom is really nice, as is the downward angle of the waist where it meets the other fabric. But that other fabric. It's bunched and ruffled, and Tim was right that it makes her look heavy. Also, someone's chosen to give Amanda an unattractive slicked-back hairstyle for this show, which doesn't suit her or the dress at all. It's practically a femullet. Uli/Bonnie dress, modeled by Lindsay. The top is a mauve fabric, which opens at the waist to reveal a layer of brown fabric beneath. It's neat. It appears to be more revealing than Tara asked for, but the design is great overall. Laura/Michael dress, modeled by Katie. It's simple, but pretty. It's white, or off-white and is more fitted than flowing. There are sparkles in a cluster. As a dress, I think it's lovely, but it doesn't seem that suitable for a pageant. The designers step onto the runway. Good God, what is Angela wearing?

Gnat: "Good God, what is Angela wearing?"

Hot pink ruffled skirt, almost to the point of being a tutu. Nuff said. Will the following teams please step forward? Kayne/Robert. Malan/Katie. Uli/Bonnie. Vincent/Angela. If Heidi has not called your name, you're safe until the next challenge. Bye, people we scarcely saw this week! The remaining designers have the highest and lowest scores. Hmm, which could be which? There will be one winner and one elimination. Damn. The models come out. Tara loves Uli and Bonnie's gown. They particularly like the low back with the braiding of the two fabrics. Bonnie says she loved the design and got along well with Uli. Vera likes the modernity of the garment. Tara also really likes Kayne's design. She says that the more she looked at the color, the more she liked it. So just to recap real quick. In the first episode, Jeffrey snidely remarked on everyone's crappy designs, and wound up in the bottom two. This week, he snidely remarked on Kayne's fabric choice, which wound up being in the top two. He doesn't know how to use quotes or the word "Feminazi". Does he ever get tired of being a complete idiot, I wonder? I suspect not. People pity or are offended by idiots, and pity and offense are forms of attention, so I'm sure he's fine with it. Robert very kindly says that he questioned the fabric choice at first, but Kayne convinced him otherwise. I'd value Robert's opinion more if he weren't wearing sunglasses inside. What is with people doing that on television these days? They're SUNglasses.

Malan and Katie. Vera points out the over-detail of the ruffled top. Heidi agrees that there's too much going on in the top, and points out that one of Amanda's boobs looks bigger than the other. I didn't notice that before, but she's right. Malan says that if he were constructing this dress for Tara, it would be flatter, but something about Amanda's proportions throws it off. There's also a shot of the hemline, which is a mess. There isn't enough fabric in the bottom, which Malan says is because Amanda has such a long torso. Poor Amanda, having to stand there and take this. The judges ask Katie what she thinks of the dress, and she says she just went along with Malan's design, which deftly avoids answering the actual question. Well played, grasshopper. Heidi asks her who should be eliminated on her team if it came to that. She duhs that it would be Malan, since it's his design. Malan agrees, because there's really no blame that can be laid on Katie unless she messed up the construction, which doesn't appear to have happened.

Nina asks Vincent and Angela if they worked well together. Vincent takes about thirty words to say "no". Heidi asks Angela what she thinks of the dress. She says she thought it was too simple. Nina likes the back of the gown. Vincent takes the compliment happily, but doesn't seem as thrilled when Vera and Tara criticize the weird-looking shoulders. Angela says that it wouldn't stand out on the pageant runway, and Tara disagrees. Ouch. Tara goes on to say that it seems like Angela was trying to lead Vincent, which she'd have no way of knowing. She was fed that line. Tacky. Asked who should be eliminated, Vincent chooses Angela. You know, except embellish his response to ridiculous proportions. She says she's shocked, which...huh? The designers are dismissed. Deliberations. Vincent's gown is simple, but would be attractive if they fixed the shoulders. Angela showed no ability to work with Vincent. Vera plainly hates her, which is awesome. Uli's dress is a hit. Kayne's was elegant. Malan's dress was too distracting and the bottom was unfinished. They reach a decision, and the designers are brought back out.

This week's nice thing about someone I don't like: If there's one thing Claire Danes knows how to do convincingly, it's act like she's about to cry. She's nailed the watery eyes, the trembling chin, etc. If you ever need to pay someone to act like they're about to burst into sobs, she's your girl.

Robert is in. Bonnie is in. And now for the winner of this challenge, which Tara will announce. It's Kayne. He's ecstatic. Heidi tells him he's got immunity in the next challenge. Tara followed through on her promise to wear the gown, and she looked lovely in the spruced-up version they made for her. Too bad she didn't win. That honor went to Miss Puerto Rico, who promptly passed out backstage. Uli is in. Katie is in. She hugs Malan. Aw. Vincent is in. Whaaaa? I guess it's not that bad, in that I'm sure we'll have plenty of fodder for whatever crappy wad of fug he sends down the runway next. That leaves Malan and Angela. Malan's color choice and execution were poor. Angela's attitude sucked. Angela is... In. Really? Wow. That means Malan is out, and I actually feel a pang of sadness. A small one, but it's there. He cries and says that he's ashamed to be eliminated. He says that he's never had many friends, and that he hates to say goodbye to his fellow designers. He's upset, but still believes that he's capable of creating fashion. I certainly can't pretend to be Malan's greatest fan, but that was a rough elimination.

Next week on Project Runway: The design inspiration is one of "fashion's hottest accessories". Cocaine? Laura and Keith throw down. Kick his ass, Laura! Tim is unimpressed by Bradley's design. Bradley doesn't want to show something embarrassing at the runway show, which will be on his birthday. Eek. Jeffrey "kids" about wanting to see Bradley get eliminated on his birthday, but you know he's totally serious, and I just want to jam a squirrel up his rectum.

Overall Grade: C-

Wall to Wall

Project Runway - Season 3, Episode 1

Previously on Project Runway: The streets were crammed with designers trying to make a name for themselves and people who never got enough love as child and are trying to fill the void by getting attention on TV. That's not to say those two things can't coexist, Jeffrey. Fifteen new chimps joined the zoo, and now we can get down to the business of weeding them out one by one. Who will be cursed with the awful shame known as First One Out?

Opening credits. Jeffrey claims to have mad skillz. Will said skillz pay the billz?

New York. Obviously, this show hates my guts, because the first person we see is Malan wending his Nosferatu-lookin' ass down the street. Ugh. I'm not just writing "Ugh". When Gnat and I watched this, I literally could not see him on-screen without groaning in distaste. He says he was born in Taiwan, and has a British accent of questionable authenticity. He says that his "raw talent" will set him apart from the other designers, then cackles unattractively. To save time, you can pretty much automatically add "unattractively" to any Malan-connected verb. Oh, and he's still doing that thing where he talks out of the side of his mouth. After he's settled in the Atlas, his first roommate walks in. Michael Knight from "the A-T-L". Holla! There's vaguely racist hip-hoppy music in the background. I'm too enraptured by the fantasy that Michael will smother Malan in his sleep to care. Bradley and Robert round out the four who will be making up this room. I don't have to reintroduce them both, do I? Hippie Guy and Barbie Designer. There, you're caught up.

Laura walks down the street. She interviews that her background is in architecture, but her passion is fashion. I love me some Laura, but if I never hear "passion for fashion" again, it'll be too soon. Yes, it rhymes! We all get it now! The same goes for "need for speed", thanks. She goes on to say that she never dresses down, because when you're 42 and have five kids, it's a slippery slope into sweatpants and a minivan. Hahahahahaha! Love her. After she's settled, she's joined by Angela, the Ohio farmgirl. I realize Angela wants to break out of the "these people are going to think I'm a dowdy Midwesterner" mold, but the foofy skirt and pink(!) sheer(!!) leggings(!!!) were not the way to go about it. She looks like Punky Brewster. Laura says that she's often wondered what goes on in Ohio, activating my New York Snobbery alarm system, but they're thankfully interrupted by the arrival of Stacey, so we can cut that conversation off before it got to "So do you, like, milk cows?"

Out in the hallway, Kayne cannot quite figure out how to open his suite's door. Jeffrey stands behind him grinning. Oh, you can bet Jeffrey's got his sunglasses on and his hood up. We revisit a bit of Kayne's bio video, with his pretty-pretty-princess prom boutique. He wants to prove that people from all over the country can make it in the fashion world. Well, Jay's from Pennsylvania, and Chloe's from Texas. I think you're a little late, Kayne. Jeffrey jumps on the bed. Jeffrey has gotten tattoos put onto his neck, which weren't there when he auditioned. Jeffrey keeps his hood up in his interviews. There, I said his name three times in three sentences. Is that enough attention for a little while? Next into the room is Vincent, who gets joy buzzered when he shakes Jeffrey's hand. Oh, Christ. Jeffrey's like Andrae without the sense of whimsy. Keith comes in, looking just as cute as he did when he auditioned. He explains that he designs menswear, but would like to get into women's clothing. No, not like that.

Back to the ladies! Alison comes into Laura, Angela, and Stacey's room. She's still pretty, and wants exposure from the show. A lot of these contestants have said that, and while it may be honest, it strikes me as kind of tacky. I have nothing against having that as a motive, but it's a bit like telling the hostess of a party that you showed up because you were hoping to make some business contacts. In the other ladies' room, Uli and Bonnie stride in. They tell us the same things they told us in the casting special (that is, Uli's from Germany and Bonnie designed outfits for Serena Williams, which she shouldn't really admit, because ew). Katharine (hereafter known as Katie, unless she becomes intolerable and earns a nasty nickname) is the next one in. They divide up sleeping space, and beyond a wry remark about snoring, manage to do it without throwing a stupid, massive hissyfit.

Everyone has a note in their rooms. They intercut shots of people reading it. Robert pretends everyone's been kicked off the show, which isn't one-twentieth as funny as Michael's face when he hears that. Actually, it's a missive from Tim, who asks everyone to unpack, then come up to the roof for a celebratory toast with him and Heidi. Everyone dutifully shuffles out and gathers up on the rooftop. Heidi talks about the Atlas and reintroduces Tim, then tells them that it'd be a good "idear" to pop a bottle of champagne. Oh, that's always a good "idear", Heidi. The designers sip their bubbly and toast themselves. Vincent tells us (again, as he did in the casting special - I mean, I'm glad I know these people's names right off the bat, but what was the point of all that if you're just going to reintroduce everybody and their life stories?) that the fashion business beat him up and left him for dead, but he's ready to give it another shot. He has cashed out his 401K, so I'm sure he'll be extra careful to make something amazingly beautiful, since he and his wife's financial future rests on it, right? Right?

Robert tells Angela and Michael about working for Isaac Mizrahi. Angela wants to hear some dirt about him. Heh. Robert interviews that he designs for Barbie, and blah blah WE'VE HEARD ALL OF THIS ALREADY. Heidi asks Stacey who she's bonded with, and Stacey responds that she just loves everyone! Oh, this can't end well. When she reintroduces herself, she does use the Spanish pronunciation of her last name (Estrella), so I was wrong in the casting special. She's not American enough at all! I'm sure INS is beating down her door right now. She talks about her Harvard MBA and a dot-com business that she used to have. You'll also never guess what fashion is to her. That's right, it's her passion! Sigh.

Heidi gathers everyone for an announcement. Jeffrey rubs his hands with devilish glee, because how else will he draw everyone's eyes to him? He does have a distinguished achievement. I'm already tired of him, and it's only a few minutes into the first "real" episode. That's got to be some kind of record. Heidi asks how everyone likes their new digs. Everyone's like "yay!". Too bad, chumps! The first challenge is to create a dress from materials found in the apartment. Tim stresses that the challenge is about innovation, and says that anything found in the apartment is ripe for picking. Angela's shocked. Alison is boring. Hey, she should be pleased to be so dull. So was Danzzz at this point. Heidi goes on to say that the dress should express who the person is as a designer. They have fifteen minutes to rip shit up and stuff it into a laundry bag. Finders keepers, as far as materials go. Malan is irritated with the lowbrow aspect of the challenge, because he's a douchebag. Got all that? Good. Go!

Everyone tears downstairs. It took a second viewing, but Gnat pointed out that the rooms seem pre-set for this kind of destruction. There's far more decoration than you'd see in most places, and a lot of it appears to have been put there just so people could use it in this challenge. Malan says that everyone was in a rush. Yeah, you'd almost think there was a time limit or something. Keith rips down some curtains and grabs some bedsheets. Jeffrey rips a lampshade off a lamp. Kayne is slicing away at a leather (or leather-ish) chair. Vincent slices into a mattress pad. It's madness, I tell you!

Stacey runs into the bathroom for the shower curtain. Laura is far less chaotic than anyone else. She calmly snags a fur rug and some sparkly chandelier hangings, and appears satisfied. More ripping of lampshades, sheets, and couch lining. Stacey grabs some sheer curtains. She says that people have to think offensively (like what they need to complete their garments) and defensively (taking shit so that other people couldn't get to them). She giggles. I like Stacey. Time winds down. Bradley finds a pillow in a closet and pulls the pillowcase off. Robert points out that the pillow isn't so much the Atlas' as his. Why he brought a pillow to an apartment where bedding is provided is unclear, given that it doesn't seem to be a special pillow in any way. Also, he has unnaturally blinding white teeth. You can stop at four layers of Whitestrips, dude. Looks like Bradley gets the pillow anyway, and while I should officially be on Robert's side (I mean, silly or not, it is his), I like Bradley far more than I like him, so he can fight his own battles. Malan is "shocked" at people's "inappropriate" behavior. Yeah, you'd almost think that tearing things up was part of the challenge. Does Malan drift in and out of reality a lot? Time's up! People gather the bags full of the stuff they snagged and head out. We get a few shots of the destruction they've left behind. Vincent has no idea what he's going to do with his materials.

Commercials. A clothing company feels the need to tell us that they have a women's and men's collection. Um, thanks for outlining that for us. I was sitting here wondering if you designed clothing for squid.

Malan recaps the challenge for us. In future, anyone else would be a better choice to do exposition for the audience. Even some random person you pull off the street. Robert thinks some "serious editing" will need to go into the materials. Ya think? Tim comes in to talk to everyone as they're unpacking. It's 5PM, and they have until 1AM to complete their look. Tim reminds them to be innovative and expressive. Models have been assigned for the first challenge, just as last year. That's probably more important than it seems, because most of the designers last season stuck with the model that they got by chance. The models' measurements have been provided. I'm lucky I don't have to put those on my resume. Ah, here's a change from last time. Whoever wins the challenge gets immunity in the next one. Fascinating. Tim leaves, and everyone gets started. Angela seems equally worried about the dress aspect and the trying-to-get-along-with-these-other-freaks aspect. Kayne isn't used to working with rubber doormats. Yeah, I doubt that's a popular prom gown choice these days. Keith interviews that he comes from a menswear background. Really? Why has nobody mentioned it before? He's never made a dress in his life, but is confident in his superb taste, which he says is better than everyone else's. He does not deign to explain how he knows other people's taste levels after...zero challenges.

Jeffrey does some stuff. I'm going to ignore Jeffrey unless he does or says something of particular note, which means we should see about 70% less of him around here. Whee! I'm drunk with power! Katie and Bradley work with down comforters, and feathers are flying everywhere. Katie kids that she's trying to take down the people with allergies. Heh. Bradley clucks. In the sewing room, Uli and Keith are hard at work, while Stacey looks around blankly. She doesn't know how to use the industrial sewing machines. Sigh. She goes to Keith for some advice, and he shreds her in an interview. She really should know how to use these things, but man. Last season was popular for good reason, but do we really need Marla, Part II? Also, I'm worried that Keith is going to be a talented designer who turns out to be a huge jerk that we'll have a lot of trouble getting rid of. It's a little too early to call, but he's starting to leak some smarm. Stacey gives up on the machines, and switches to sewing by hand.

Two hours left. Tim comes in to check on everyone. Vincent is putting a basket on the mannequin's head and squinting at it. Tim doesn't like the pockets on his dress, and I agree. It's white linen-ish material (on a light purple dress), with yellow spangles on it. It's clashy. Vincent brings up the basket, which Tim doesn't think works on its own as a hat. Vincent proposes draping it with chain. Tim appears desperate to jump off this sinking ship, and goes to check on Jeffrey. He's working on a jacket and a dress simultaneously, and Tim thinks the two pieces are competing with each other. He doesn't know quite what to make of Stacey's dress, beyond that the shower curtain rings look out of place. She suggests moving them to the sash, and he warns against going over-the-top. I don't think I'm giving away too much to say that his admonishment about over-the-topness would be better served if given to other people. Keith shows Tim the dress he's making out of a royal blue bedsheet. It's cute already; very Marilyn Monroe-ish. Tim worries that making a bedsheet into a dress isn't innovative enough. Keith responds to this in an interview by saying he doesn't necessarily respect the judges' sense of style. Well, that's kind of irrelevant. Yeah, we've got a villain in the making. Crap, I never saw this one coming. Tim recommends at least attempting to add some elaboration with other materials. Those are all the conferences we see. Hmm, do you think that the people we saw discussing things with Tim will wind up in the top/bottom three? That would be uncanny!

People continue to work. Jeffrey interviews that looking around the room, he saw a bunch of "remedial, intermediate bullshit". Well, then I guess if all these losers blow you away in the challenge, you'd feel like a giant piece of crap, huh, Jeffy? Robert thinks Jeffrey's putting too much into his dress. Another work montage, and time's up. Stacey hopes to add a second layer to her dress in the morning, but just wants to be sure she's got something finished and wearable tonight. Laura interviews that everyone was exhausted and grumpy when they left the workroom. They come home to discover that nothing has been touched. Their places are still trashed. Hehehe. Everyone's pissed off. Stacey is thrilled to discover her towel somehow survived the onslaught, and Laura throws a pillow at her in mock anger. Awesome.

Commercials. If the first words I ever hear out of you are "People think I'm a bitch, and I'm not", then you're a bitch.

Morning. Alison stretches. Stacey looks around like she's scared she's about to get mugged. Laura brushes her teeth. Of course the morning interview is with frigging Jeffrey, who feels safe from elimination, and is looking forward to meeting his model. Vincent is confident too, saying he has his "own style", which is always code for "my stuff is ugly". Everyone heads out. The chalkboard in Malan/Bradley/Michael/Robert's room has "GET US SOME BEDS!" written on it. Heh. People get to the workroom, and spring right into action. Keith reminds us that Tim asked him to add elaboration to his dress. He did so, adding a placemat around the waist and some chains to the neck. Now he can't wait to tear all that off and go back to his original design. No offense, Keith, but maybe Tim didn't mean for you to add elaboration that was so damn fugly. Stacey is worried. Malan likes Laura's dress. She thinks she's created something elegant, restrained, and glamorous. It's totally beautiful already, and she's not even done. Kayne admires Michael's dress. Tim comes in and tells them the models are coming in momentarily, and there are three hours to get everything done.

Models stream in. I'm sure we'll get their names later. Alison's model tells her that she would totally wear what Alison has created. Aw. Bonnie's dress doesn't fit the model's chest at all, and she's completely stymied. The model recommends "double sided tape - and lots of it." Hahahaha! Stacey's dress is too sheer, and you can see the model's naughty bits. Well, you can't because they don't show us, but we'll take Stacey's word for it. She takes some more of the sheer material (the bedroom curtains, I think), and begins to make a quick little set of panties to wear under the dress. You'd think she could have foreseen this last night, but whatever. Vincent. Oh, Vincent. He's draped some chain on the basket (which he calls "kooky"), and plops it on the model's head. He adds some sunglasses. It's ridiculous. She looks like she's about to spring into a performance piece called "I Am The Bean Goddess of Neptune". Bonnie agrees with me, saying it looked like the model was about to get beamed up. Uli says that she wanted to say something to him about the stupid hat, but that he seemed so proud of it. That's pretty much the first and last we'll hear from Uli tonight. Bye, Uli! Vincent considers adding a bit of the red bathmat material to the hat. Sure, why not? You can't make it any uglier.

Models get made up. I have no urge to wear cosmetics, but I covet that makeup spray gun. I'd put melted butter in it or something. That'd make movie night a blast. Vincent bugs the stylist about his model's hair, like anyone will notice it under that fucking basket. People make some last minute adjustments, and Tim announces that it's time to go.

Commercials. Stick to your own channel, Ryan Seacrest. Avoiding you is one of the perks of this one.

Runway show. Heidi describes the prizes. A spread in Elle, a mentorship with INC (a design company), representation from a designers' management agency, a 2007 Saturn Sky (which I'm dying to test drive - they look great, if impractical), and $100,000. She goes on to recap the challenge, which we all know about. We meet the judges. Michael! Nina! And guest judge Kate Spade. Oooh, cool. I've often said that I'm very ignorant when it comes to names in fashion, so if I know who it is, it's probably someone very qualified to be judging. Shots of the designers. Some of them are better-looking than I first realized. Bradley (if he got rid of that beard) and Uli in particular. Let's start the show!

Sweet! Laura's dress is first, modeled by Katie. Goodness. A judge and a designer named Michael. A model and a designer named Katie. We're going to need some nicknames soon. Laura's outfit is stunningly gorgeous. The basis of the dress is light blue or purple sheets. The neckline and cuffs have been accentuated with white fur rug, and the mirrored spangles from the chandelier are used as decoration at the bottom and as trim. A beaded wall hanging has been made into a pearl necklace of sorts. Laura voices-over that her entire body was smiling. She's totally my favorite. Bradley's dress (modeled by Camilla). I like Bradley, so it pains me to say that I don't care for his dress. It's basically a comforter in a tubular shape that foofs at the bottom a bit. There's a shawl/cape made out of a fuzzy mattress pad. That's about it.

Keith's dress (modeled by Nazri). The dress is really pretty, and is helped along by the fact that Nazri is incredibly beautiful. It's a fairly simple royal blue dress with a bias cut at the bottom and red duvet cover buttons in the back. Nazri has poofed out her afro and is wearing several wooden beads, and the whole effect is great. Keith dismisses the other designers' work as "costumey". He's going to ruin any warm sentiment I have toward his clothing, isn't he? Sad. Angela's dress (modeled by Clarissa, who does not explain it all). Sorry, that's a terrible joke, and she probably hears it all the time. The dress is very odd. It's a frilly vest that does not close across the chest, but is held together by a leather belt. The skirt is the black leather chaise cover, and she's holding fake flowers slung over her shoulder for apparently no reason. I'm confused by the whole thing. Kayne's dress (modeled by Jia). You can really see the pageant inspiration that's probably going to go into all his work. The front is red bathmat as the bustier, a small line of black leather at the waist, and a white sheet dress that comes down to just above the knee. The real action is in the back, where there's a curvy swirl of the red bathmat material that flows each time Jia takes a step. It's quite cool.

Malan's dress (modeled by Moon). Can I ask where Malan gets his high and mighty attitude? It certainly wasn't achieved through compliments on his talent, unless he does all of his design work around morons or liars. The top is an ill-fitting, short-sleeved jacket made from a rug. The skirt is ottoman fabric that appears to be light gray. Malan voices-over that he was worried that his work might be "misperceived". I think what he's really worried about is that this crap will be perceived entirely correctly. Bonnie's dress (modeled by Toni). It's ugly. It still doesn't fit in the chest at all. It looks rushed and unfinished. The pattern is a red, white, and black duvet cover with some polka dots on it. The whole thing's a mess.

Gnat: "Bonnie doesn't even look like a designer. She looks like she should be working at a cake-decorating place."

Katie's dress (modeled by Candace). The top is a comforter that has been styled into a sleeveless jacket that has a hood that can be pulled down into a collar. The bottom of the jacket opens out to reveal the blue plastic bag dress underneath. Candace takes the jacket off to reveal the full bag dress, which was a mistake. The jacket over the dress was neato. The dress by itself is, no pun intended, trashy. Michael's dress (modeled by Alexandra). His dress is a miniskirt fashioned entirely out of coffee filters (though there's an underlay of muslin providing structural integrity). The filters fan out and flutter in the breeze as Alexandra comes down the runway, and it's really pretty for something that's monochromatic and made out of one material.

Vincent's dress (modeled by Lindsay). Oh, Vincent. Simple periwinkle dress. White pockets with yellow adornment. Sunglasses. Basket with chains wrapped around it on the head. So very unimaginative and so very ugly. If he had cut the basket and put it behind her head as a sort of fan, it may have looked better, but as it is, she just looks stupid. I hope Vincent and his wife have some money other than that 401K saved somewhere. Michael (Kors, that is) narrows his eyes in disgust. Alison's dress (modeled by Amanda). It's cute, but unremarkable, much like Alison herself. It's a white, short-sleeved bedsheet dress that is accessorized with a necklace made from a beaded curtain. Stacey's dress (modeled by Marilinda). It's a white, sleeveless dress with a chain-link (I guess those are the shower rungs) belt. The bottom of the dress is loose, sheer, and flowing, and comes all the way down to Marilinda's feet. You can, indeed, see right through the skirt to the panties underneath.

Robert's dress (modeled by Danielle). It's hard to describe, but it's kind of like a tennis outfit, but backless, and with a red ribbon belt. Jeweled wall hangings make the necklace, but I can't really concentrate on that, because Danielle has the biggest forehead ever. Danielle has a sevenhead. You could screen Gone With the Wind on her face. She thankfully turns around to reveal red bows at the waist and in the center of her back. Uli's dress (modeled by Katia). It's lovely. The dress is sleeveless, cleavage-baring, and is made of light gray curtains. It's trimmed with yellow ribbon and there's another wall-hanging necklace, this one constructed of yellow beads. Super cute. Good God, aren't we done? No. Jeffrey's dress (modeled by Javi). When she comes out, she flings her sleeves to create a dramatic feather explosion. No, I'm not making that up. All flash, no substance; much like Jeffrey himself. When Tim said the jacket and dress were competing for attention, he was dead-on, as usual. Both the dress and jacket are flowing mauve, light blue, and dark blue material. She almost looks like she's wearing a muumuu. There's a chain necklace and a sagging bustline. Jeffrey, of course, is wearing studded sunglasses indoors, because PLEASE PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO ME! LOOK HOW REBELLIOUS AND ARTISTIC AND NAUGHTY AND COOL I AM! Unfortunately for him, the outfit does nothing to warrant his self-satisfaction. Bleh.

Finally! The designers come onto the runway. The judges scribble. Step forward when Heidi calls your name. Alison. Bradley. Angela. Kayne. Malan. Bonnie. Katie. Michael. Uli. If your name has been called, congratulations and sorry. You don't rock. You don't suck. They're all safe. The remaining six have the highest and lowest scores, and it's not hard to pick out which is which. I disagree with these choices. Vincent, Jeffrey, Laura, and Keith all belong here in their respective categories, but Uli's dress was far prettier than Robert's, and Bonnie's dress was far uglier than Stacey's. The models emerge. Laura describes her materials. Michael thinks it's chic and wearable. Yay! The only criticism she gets is that the tinkling of the chandelier pieces is a bit noisy. She agrees that it's not for a wallflower. Vincent. Everyone hates the hat. Heidi asks him to remove it. Kate says that the hat was so distracting that she didn't even notice the dress, which is exactly what happened with me. Vincent says he used the basket because he was trying to do something different. Wow, it's a good thing the challenge wasn't to express yourself as a designer, huh? Wait a minute. Yep, I said the exact same thing about Lupe. What will it take for you people to listen to the challenge? Heidi describes it about forty times per episode.

Heidi tells Keith that his dress is really well made. He goes into a long-winded story about Scarlett O'Hara's dress and the Carol Burnett show when they made fun of it. Classic episode. His point is that he wanted the dress to look like real clothing and that going crazy with weird materials would have come off as a joke. I find myself liking him less and less, but I agree. All the judges love it. Guess you don't have a problem with their taste now, Keith. Stacey. They don't think her dress is wearable (that it's overly provocative), that it looks like she ran out of time, that her execution was poor, and that it doesn't fit on top. I mean, it's not stellar, but it's not that bad. Robert. All of the judges think his dress is really pretty, especially the beaded crisscross with the bow on it in the back. Robert says that he likes the outfit to look different from different directions. Jeffrey. The judges say that it's a very busy outfit, and that the feather display distracted from the dress. Whoa, who could have foreseen that? You know, besides everyone who's successfully completed third grade. He offers up some defense, mostly in the vein of wanting her to look "deconstructed" (more fashion code for "ugly"). The judges say that there were so many layers that they couldn't even figure out where each piece of the outfit was. What's below "remedial", Jeffrey? Cause that's where you are. The designers are sent off.

Deliberations. Heidi likes Keith and Robert's dresses. No way is Robert's prettier than Laura's. Robert's dress fit well. Keith's presentation was flawless. Laura's was creative and beautiful. Vincent's hat basket was the dumbest idea ever. Stacey was all over the place and her dress aimed for sexy and missed. Jeffrey. Heidi worries that they have another Santino on their hands. Good catch, Heidi. One would think that you'd learn from your mistakes and take this opportunity to kick that person off early this time. Hint, hint. They didn't like the messy design of the dress, nor the fact that it was long in front and short in the back. The judges reach a decision. The designers are called back out.

Hmmm, what to do this season when Heidi explains to the designers on each end of a commercial break that one of them will win and one of them will be out? I know. I've been feeling kind of mean and misanthropic lately. I'll use this time to say something nice about someone I don't like. George Bush looks really good for 60. He does. I'd be interested to know his skin care routine.

Laura is in. Still love her. And now for the winner. Keith. OK. Though he may be steadily falling in my estimation, I have no argument against that. Of course, this means he's snagged immunity, so he'll be free as a bird to be an asshole next week. Won't that be fun? Laura congratulates him backstage. Robert is in. Vincent is in. Huh. I actually thought he'd be the one to go. It's down to the bottom two. Jeffrey tried to do too much, and his dress was unfocused and unmatched. Stacey wasn't innovative enough and her execution was poor. Stacey... You're out. Jeffrey is dismissed. Boo! Stacey certainly didn't wow me, but worst of the fifteen? No way. She interviews that she felt she expressed herself well. Tim and the other designers bid her goodbye. She doesn't know what's next for her, but seems to be at ease with herself and glad for the experience. Aw.

This season on Project Runway: Shocking challenges. Harried models. Good vs. Evil (i.e., Laura vs. Keith). Annoying vs. Less Annoying (i.e., Jeffrey vs. Angela). Kayne wants people to get along. Malan laughs obnoxiously. Angela and Michael shake their booties. Alison is boring some more. Someone's gonna be sick. Angela throws a tantrum. People shred each other on the runway. Tim tells someone that something they did is completely against the rules of the show. Ooh, I'm looking forward to that one.

Overall Grade: B

Road to the Runway

Project Runway - Season 3 Casting Special

Previously on Project Runway: Attitude. Parties. Temper tantrums. Backstabbing. Unlikely friendships. Comeuppance. Boobies. Oh, and a bunch of clothing got designed. Chloe pulled out a surprise win, which was a delightful end to a fairly delightful season. Can lightning strike again? We'll find out over the next several weeks, as we go through the entire rigmarole again. But first, we've got to pick a fresh batch of psychos to love and hate. Let's get to it!

Tim tells us that he was simultaneously thrilled and terrified to jump right into casting. Open calls were held in Los Angeles, Chicago, Miami, and New York, so I guess the Pacific Northwest can just suck it. Applicants were asked to bring in a portfolio, three garments, and to fill out a twenty-page application. Twenty pages! I think I could sum up my entire life in four. Some people were sent home instantly (shot of a girl who looks like the female version of Marilyn Manson), while some were moved on to the "next level", and asked to make a bio video. Forty-five semi-finalists were chosen, fifteen of which were selected by Tim, Heidi, Nina, and Michael to appear on the show. Nice little summation, there. Now for the gory details.

Casting started in Los Angeles. Tim tells us that his brain was bleeding in anticipation of spending two days sitting next to guest judge Santino Rice. Hahaha! Oh, I've missed Tim. Let's catch up with Santino. Really, the only thing you need to know is that he struts down the street wearing a shirt with his own picture on it. Yeah, that's pretty much Santino in a nutshell. He tells us that his life has changed since the show, and that he's meeting all kinds of actors and musicians that want to be his clients. I guess we'll know who when we see someone show up at the Oscars looking like they got caught in an emu explosion. Tim tells the other judges he was concerned that Santino would make the audition process all about himself rather than concentrating on seeking new contestants, but was pleasantly surprised by how competent he was. Shots of Santino giving out some articulate critiques. Tim also says that the applicant pool is made up of much more experienced designers this year, since the show seems to be such a great launching pad for careers. I love that about this show. America's Next Top Model has NOTHING to do with actually finding a good model, I doubt that the Top Chef will be the Top Anything, and you'll never convince me that American Idol is anything more than a glorified karaoke contest. It's refreshing to see a reality show that actually has some after-game potential.

The first potential we meet is Robert Best, who's wearing a T-shirt that's far too tight for him. It's nice that you want to show off your chest, Robert, but it's showing off your gut, too. Not that I have anything against guts - I just don't think they should be accentuated, necessarily. Tim remembers Robert from when he was a student at Parson's. He's been working at Mattel for 10 years, designing Barbie clothes. We really only see one of his garments, which is very pretty. Santino asks who he thought should have won the Barbie challenge in Season 2, and Robert obligingly sucks up to him. He's moved ahead, and we see a snippet of his bio video, which seems well-produced. Really, I can't come up with any reasoned objections to him, which is why I don't understand why he irritates the piss out of me. I watched these first two episodes with Gnat, and she asked what I didn't like about him, and all I could say is that I sense a seismic bitch attack lurking under the surface, just as I did with Hayden in Season 6 of The Amazing Race. We'll see if I'm proven right. Like I was with her. Fucking Hayden.

Next, a string of losers. Someone (I really can't tell if they're male or female) wears a tight, hideous, black wedding dress. Oy. There's an equally hideous multi-colored motorcycle outfit. The next person we see with promise is Uli Herzner, from Munich. So of course Heidi likes her instantly. Heh. She hangs up her three garments, but I'm immediately drawn to the dress she's actually wearing. It's really pretty. Tim, Santino, and the two random other judges love her stuff, as do I. She's moved on. The next person they see is...sigh. Jeffrey Sebelia. He makes clothes for "rock stars and actors who want to look like rock stars". In other words, he feels free to make a mass of ugly shit that can then be classified as "edgy". He comes in with his hood pulled up over his head, cause he's just keepin' it real, y'all! I hate him already. Just so I'm not impossibly over-biased, some of the photos in his portfolio are genuinely lovely. He's moved on. I sigh again. Next is Stacey Estrella. Tim pronounces the L's in her last name, so while she may be our Token Hispanic, she's still American. No need to deport her, George Bush! Fucker. Is it November 2008 yet? Sorry, where was I? Stacey would like to be on the show so that she can make a name for herself in fashion. She's already got an MBA from Harvard. Also, she's pretty. The clothes she has made for the audition are not. The judges like her portfolio, though, so she's moved on. Nina transitions us to the next scene by saying that Stacey reminds her of Wendy, from Season 1.

Ah, Wendy. I haven't seen Season 1 yet, but I'm familiar with Wendy. Wendy was the Santino of Season 1. We flash back to her audition, her acceptance into the show, and her metamorphosis into a rancid, hateful bitch. We catch up with her now, but it looks like we didn't get to her before a plastic surgeon did. I mean, she looks good, but yowsa. Leave some Botox for the rest of us. She tells us that she's "fielding orders night and day". We watch her take pictures of a model in a poorly-lit room. I'm sure those will come out nicely. And that's it. Bye, Wendy!

There are a few more Los Angeles auditions. Bonnie Dominguez is getting back into fashion after ten years. She, like so many women on television these days, has those impossibly ugly highlights that I just don't understand. Pick a color, damn it! I don't care if you get highlights, but they should blend in! This rash of women having dark hair with random streaks of blonde running through it is SO FUCKING UGLY. I don't see anything special about her or her garments, but she's moved on. What'ere. Next is Vincent Libretti, who once had a career in fashion, but dropped out due to stress. In his bio video, he shows off his sewing room, which has a chalkboard taking up one wall. It's nice, but it's impossible to concentrate on anything but Vincent's Weezer glasses and nervous verbal tics. Santino isn't impressed with his portfolio. Fashion hasn't been kind to Vincent, but he's willing to give it another shot, even cashing out his 401K to design the new line. Nina and Michael like him. He's in!

More losers. There's a woman whose breasts are actively trying to escape from her body. A guy whose design inspiration is insects. A woman in, like, a red pleather bat outfit. A guy in a kilt. A guy in a cowboy hat and pants so tight I can just about make out every vein on his dick. Some boring guy that's so boring, I can't even describe him.

The next potential with promise is Bradley Baumkirchner. Hippie alert! I'm not generally a fan of Hippie fashion, but I like him. He makes little sound effects in his bio video that crack me up. His portfolio sketches are just as amusing. I have no comment on or even any recollection of his clothing, which is probably a bad sign, but I'm still happy that he's moved on. Tim says that his bio video sealed the deal, which is our transition into catching up with Austin from Season 1. Apparently, he didn't wow the judges at the audition, but made up for it with a wonderful video. We see some of his dresses from the show. Now he's designing wedding gowns that are super-pretty. A guest judge who tore him apart on the show is now his boss. Hee. He's glad he didn't take Nina or Michael's advice to break out of whatever design rut he had during his season.

Commercials. I'm sorry, Banana Republic. You're out. *kiss kiss* Auf Wiedersehen.

Tim tells us that 18 semi-finalists were chosen in LA, and since we only met seven, I guess all of the people we saw are going to be in the show. That's kind of dull. Anyhow, the next audition city is Chicago. Establishing shots. Hey, I think I see Blood Ray! Nick from Season 2 will be joining Tim and the No Names as the guest judge here. Hang on a sec, I've got to add "Tim and the No Names" to my Awesome Band Names list. OK, I'm back. Nick schmoozes with the potentials outside. He advises them to stand out. He tells us that after the show, NBC sent him to Torino to do fashion commentary on figure skating. Hehehe. Now, he's back to teaching. I bet he'd be a fun teacher. He's also designing a new line, and seems to be settled very nicely into the fashion world. Good for him.

Let's kick off Chicago with some losers! The first woman who comes in has a voluminous white coat with paint splatters of different colors all over it. It's awful. Some woman has a simple white dress with ugly black trim pasted on randomly. A drag queen is excused, and looks like s/he's about to leap over the table and bludgeon Tim to death with a shovel.

Now, the semi-finalists. First is Kayne Gillaspie. He's already found a measure of success in the fashion industry by burrowing into one of its specialty niches: pageant and prom dresses. His store is very, very pink. He does a Mommie Dearest in his bio video, beating the cameraman with a wire hanger. Heh. Tim likes Kayne, but hates the pageanty stuff he's brought in. Next is Steve Rosengard. He bores the judges to tears, but his taffeta is apparently arousing enough to have him moved on. Yeah, I don't get it. All we see of his bio video is the places in his apartment that he's had sex. Still not getting his appeal. Tim tells us that five semi-finalists were chosen in Chicago.

Next, it's off to Miami. Disturbing establishing shot of overtanned women wearing butt floss thongs. Chloe joins Tim as the guest judge here. We watch Chloe's win (yay!), then see her store in Houston, which is doing very well. She says that after the show, people assumed she'd be moving to New York, but that she's staying put. Her family and boyfriend are in Texas, plus she gets to be a big fish in a small pond. That sounds wise. She says that her world has changed, and now she can charge more for her clothing. Hahahaha!

The first person we meet in Miami is Michael Knight. While I abhor stereotyping and pigeon-holing in general, I'm ecstatic to see a straight, black, male designer. He tells the judges that he did his own version of dresses for three of last season's challenges. We see two of them (the muslin challenge and the Nicky Hilton challenge), and they are beautiful. Tim isn't impressed, though, saying that they want to know Michael individually, not through the lens of the show. Fair enough. His dresses are very classic and have clean lines, so you know they get raves from Chloe. He's moved on essentially on her recommendation, and good for her. Next is Jonathan Haggerty. He has designed an all black collection, which is apparently difficult. I don't see why, but I know nothing about fashion, so I'll take his word for it.

String of losers. Several people who have made patchwork designs out of ties and scarves and stuff are dismissed as "student work". The next potential we meet is Katherine Gerdes. She has one of those chin piercings I can't stand. I know it makes me sound seventy years old and like I should be yelling at kids to get off my lawn, but I just find them unattractive and distracting. We see a bit of her bio video. She looks exactly like her mom, which is endearing for some odd reason. She teaches snowboarding and outs herself as a dork. I can see her worming her way onto my good side. Her clothes are kind of ugly, and none of the judges like her except for Tim. And what he says, goes. I do really like her portfolio sketches.

Choppy transition to the Catch Up With A Previous Designer segment. This time it's Kara Saun, who took second place in Season 1. All of her clothes are gorgeous, and that's not an exaggeration. Literally every single piece they show is stunning. She says she's glad she didn't win, because the people that called her afterwards for work said that a winner would be too busy or whatever. Hmm. She also designed a lot of the maternity dresses Heidi wore during the second season, which were pretty enough for me to specifically notice them, even as I was supposed to be concentrating on the designers' work. Well done, Kara Saun.

Commercials. If you buy a Mercedes, you'll meet the love of your life.

New York. We're up to 33 semi-finalists. Danzzz joins Tim as the guest judge. He talks about what he's been doing since the show. To be honest with you, I can't hear a word without putting it through the filter of a recent interview I read with Tim Gunn, who talks about what a diva Danzzz has become, and how he wants to be a famous designer without paying his dues by working under someone else. Ouch. The first potential we meet is Jillian Lewis. She seems nice, which is why I'm reluctant to make fun of her ugly, Dynasty-era hairdo. Her clothes are cute. Next is Keith Michael, who's pretty cute himself. As he walks in, one of the No Names asks him if he only brought menswear, which he did. The only women's clothing he presents is in photos, and these are pieces that he collaborated on with someone else. The No Name gives him a very hard time for this, as she should. Tim overrides everyone again and moves him on. I wonder if Tim ever gets drunk with power. He doesn't seem like the type.

Next, is....oooh. Laura Bennett. I'll save you some time right now and tell you that I love everything about Laura. She's been in the room two seconds, and I'm already prepared to swear she farts sunshine. She's a mother of five, an architect, a fiery redhead, and an articulate speaker. Her clothes are all ballgown-type dresses, with the one she's wearing showing off her non-existent cleavage. See? She doesn't even have big boobs, and I still like her! She must be special. We see more of her clothing in the bio video, and it's all wonderful.

String of losers. Some people walk into the room and aren't even allowed to hang up their clothes, but are dismissed immediately. Bet they're glad they filled out that twenty-page application, huh? People show up without portfolios. Without garments. Without basic knowledge of construction. These are the most loserly of the losers, because at least the people with ugly crap attempted to do something different.

The next potential is Alison. Michael thinks she's cute (which she is), and Tim thinks she's nice (which she seems to be), and she basically gets moved on for these criteria alone. OK, then. There's another choppy transition into catching up with Jay, who won Season 1. The judges weren't impressed with him at the audition stage, but he won Tim over, made some astounding dresses during the show, and took the whole shebang. Of the little I've seen of Jay in his cameos during Season 2 and interviews and such, I gather that he's a very talented designer, who will never achieve great success because he is a dickhead. Sorry. All the talent in the world won't help you if nobody can stand your self-entitled ass. He says he hasn't come out with any new clothing since winning because he's trying to figure out the business aspect of clothing design. That's a fair point, which makes me mad, because I want to yell at him some more. Damn.

Commercials. Yes, vacuuming can be so, so difficult. IF YOU'RE A MORON.

New York. 40 semi-finalists. First up for the last day of auditions is Angela Keslar. She lives in Ohio, and brags that she's designed dresses that are mistaken for ones designed by Yves St. Laurent. She tells the judges that she makes clothes and accessories like other women make babies, which cracks me up. Her portfolio features a patchwork jacket that Gnat rhapsodizes over. Next is Daniel Feld. He's failed at fashion before, due to lack of publicity. If I didn't like his work, here's where I'd insert the nasty barb about publicity not being the problem, but it's really pretty, so I'm left high and dry.

Oh, Christ. Malan Breton. Even his name is pretentious. Tim tells us that he's auditioned every season. In Season 1, he was rejected. In Season 2, he was accepted, but he then rejected the show. Huh? Now he's crawling back again. He's got greasy, slicked hair with an annoying spit curl in the front. He's really pale, almost to the point where he looks like a vampire. Gnat points out that he's not capable of talking normally, but out of the side of his mouth. I hadn't noticed that, and now I can't look at anything else. The judges realize that he's an arrogant, supercilious prick, so of course he's moved on. Sigh.

Final deliberations. Tim tells us that at this point, it's really about the clothes, not the individual. He says that he can be fond of someone (shot of Bonnie), or have a distaste for them (shot of Malan), but that he's looking at people's work. I love Tim. I think he's the most honest, forthcoming person on television. But that's bullshit. People with ugly clothes got in on personality, (both good and bad) as they always do, because that's how reality television works. I'd love to see a show without a villain, but I realize that most people wouldn't, so I don't begrudge them for stacking the deck with a couple of assholes. But please don't stand there and insult my intelligence by pretending that this isn't the case. More random deliberations. Tim tells us that the show is not Fashion Camp, and that the contestants will need to hit the ground running.

Commercials. I'm not saying that Philadelphia Jammin' Swirls doesn't sound good. It does. But I'm not going to buy a product called "Jammin' Swirls", because I'm not twelve.

So, here they are. The fifteen contestants for this season's Project Runway. Alison. Meh. Malan. Boo! Vincent. No chance in hell. Bradley. Yay! Jeffrey. Ugh. Keith. OK. Laura. YAAAAAAAAAY! Michael. Sweet! Uli. Excellent. Kayne. Eh. Bonnie. Blah. Angela. Good. Stacey. Whatever. Katharine. Aw. Robert. I'm telling you - seismic bitch attack. Nina's pleased with the range of the people they've chosen. Heidi's excited for the season. We wrap up with some advice from past contestants. Santino says to back away from the show now, like it's not the sole reason he's not homeless. Jay says you need to know who you are as a person and as a designer. Austin says to dress up (huh?) and to compliment Heidi (heh). Chloe advises against getting stressed and to always listen to Tim Gunn's criticisms. Austin says to be nice to judges, which is of course our transition into Santino desperately clinging to his fifteenth minute of fame. Kara Saun and Nick say to be respectful and deferential to the judges. Jay warns against being arrogant, which is another perfect opportunity to transition to Santino. Jay thinks that trying to play the other contestants is a waste of time; that playing the production is what got him the win. Hahahaha! It's funny cause it's true.

Next on Project Runway: The fifteen finalists are welcomed on a sunny rooftop, and Malan somehow avoids bursting into flame. There's a "shocking" first challenge. Malan thinks other people are "inappropriate". Jeffrey doesn't. Stacey can't work some machine or other. Vincent is crazy.

Well, that was kind of boring. You know how your favorite restaurant loses its charm when it becomes really popular? How it gets greedy and changes a bunch of stuff to try to appeal to the masses instead of being individualistically charming, which is why you liked it in the first place? I fear that that's going to happen with the surging popularity of this show. Still, I'm willing to be proven wrong. Bring it on.

Overall Grade: C