Crossing the T's

What's up, food fans? After not touching this blog for... Yeesh, five months?!? Ouch. Anyway, it may well be that after such a time, there's nobody here but us chickens, but just in case, I wanted to check in. I certainly haven't been ignoring the Top Chef realm. The viewing party watched the latest iteration of Masters, and we were all bored silly by it, though it was fun to watch Tiffany and LabRat compete to see who could make more fun of the unibrow guy.

Fortunately, it looks like another season of Just Desserts is on the horizon, premiering on August 24th at 9PM (10PM Eastern). The Serious Life Business I brought up before is ongoing, so I'm not sure if I'll be able to handle full recaps, but I'll definitely be watching, and can hopefully at least be able to put something up for each episode. Let's hope it's a fun season, with a big cutback in the amount of contestants with full-blown mental illness!

I've been feeling a little guilty for running out of steam towards the end of the last dessert season, and have decided that since I never deleted the last two episodes from my iTunes library, I should spend the days leading up to the premiere going back and converting the blurbs to full recaps. Incomplete series bug me.

The penultimate episode is finished! Just click on the Just Desserts link in the "Previously On..." menu to your right! I'm turning my attention to the finale now, and when it's done, we'll be able to face the future together.

If you have any thoughts/suggestions on this, the cast for the upcoming season, or anything else, please leave a comment. I'd be thrilled to see if anyone still visits this dusty corner of the internet.

UPDATE: Finale complete!

Intermezzo

Greetings!

My sincere apologies for the site suddenly going dark. A combination of travel, sickness, and Serious Life Business all sprang up at the same time, and as always, blogging is the first thing to go when free time evaporates.

I have still been watching and enjoying this season, and am bummed that all this had to flare up just in time for Marcel to get eliminated. I would have enjoyed recapping that.

Thanks for all the comments and emails! Things are settling down now, and while I probably won't be able to fire up the blog again anytime soon, feel free to use this post as an open thread to post comments about the All-Star season. I'm always interested in others' opinions; can I really be the only one out there pulling for Antonia?

After Dinner Mint

Just a temporary post to wrap up business on Season 6 of Top Chef. Like many people, the viewing party missed the reunion show, because it was run an hour earlier than the main episodes. Bravo was probably hoping they could trap people into watching their second crap attempt to recapture Project Runway, but we had zero interest in that (plus I heard they didn't even reveal the fan favorite -- as if anyone but Kevin was going to win). So, no reunion recap. I'm not usually a big fan of them, anyway.

However, if I have time over the next few weeks, and the episodes remain online and free, I'll go back and recap the episodes I had to skip due to travel or moving. I know it seems kind of pointless, since we already know who got eliminated, and who's going to win the season, but incomplete series tend to bug me. Other than that, I'll see you next season!

UPDATE: Both recaps are done. Full season coverage! I won't be recapping the upcoming season of Top Chef Masters (though we'll be watching), so be sure to come back when Top Chef or its dessert spinoff premieres.

Guess Who's Not Recapping Dinner?

Well, that was odd. Instead of a regular episode, Fabio from Season 5 hosts a dinner cooked by contestants from all of the seasons. It's interesting in that some people have mellowed with time, while others are exactly as you remember them. It was an entertaining enough diversion, but even though my girl Carla was in attendance, I have a strict rule about not revisiting anything that involves Ilan.

Roboskanks

America's Next Top Model - Season 11 Casting Special

We're back for Cycle 11, which is good news if only for getting some truly stupid girls off the streets and out of the general public's hair. I'm generally not a fan of the opening hour of the premiere, as it tends to always be the same winnowing process, but with different annoying girls. But something strange happened with this one. It hardly rubbed me the wrong way at all! In fact, dare I say, I liked it. I think it may have something to do with the fact that instead of three nice girls and thirty deluded bitches, the proportion has flipped. Now, most of the girls seem to really want to be models, instead of scrounging for camera time by acting as twatty as they can.

Not that there aren't exceptions. Tyra loves her archetypes. There's the vegan. The deprogrammed Mormon. The girl kidnapped to be a Saudi bride. The bitch. The waif. The token plus-size girl. The biracial girl. The semi-bisexual. The ghetto girl. The judgmental snot. The tranny. Oh, you heard me. One of the "girls" is a pre-op transexual, which has the potential to be obnoxious. But again, in a strange twist, it's really quite touching. Isis could have come with a me-against-the-world attitude, but she manages to make no apologies for who she is, while still being as friendly as possible to girls who wrinkle their noses in disgust.

The opening hour also always has a laughable theme, and in this case, it's futuristic technology. Makes sense. Tyra is 60% android, and the two Jays may as well be molded out of plastic. Speaking of, OJ is looking grosser by the season. Is that his "futuristic" costume or his "aging lesbian" costume? Panel interviews showcase the girls' various psychoses. The thirty-three semi-finalists are whittled down to twenty. Aw, deprogrammed Mormon will not be moving on to the metallic catsuit portion of the hour. What a shame. The girls choose their own pose before Tyra and the Jays do the final cut. I'm happy to see that the judgmental snot will not be moving into the house, because five minutes of her was about all I could take. Also cut is the plus-sizer (who needs them since Whitney won?), and a girl who majored in English Literature at Harvard, but doesn't know who Jane Eyre is. My poor blog's namesake weeps in despair. After the dust settles, fourteen girls make it in:

-Ghetto Asian (Sheena)
-Boring Girl (Analeigh)
-Saleisha Wannabe (Nikeysha)
-French Waif (Marjorie)
-Naive Teen (Samantha)
-Exotic Bisexual (Elina -- LabRat's early favorite)
-Biracial Hottie (Brittany R. -- Limecrete's early favorite)
-Annoying Egomaniac (Brittney B.)
-Side-Talking Cage-Fighter (Brittany S. -- No, I'm not kidding -- three girls named Brittany)
-Small-Town Rube (Hannah)
-Pre-Op Transexual (Isis)
-Bitch (Clark)
-Twelve-Head (Lauren Brie)
-Squeaky Old Lady (Joslyn -- Who's got one foot in the grave at the ripe old age of 23)

That's a lot of ovaries. Let's move on to the second hour of the premiere, where we can cut a couple loose (or not, if Isis takes the fall).

Overall Grade: B

Amazing Race 13 - Meet the Teams

Previously on The Amazing Race: A run of crappy seasons threatened to kill my loyalty towards my favorite reality show (I can actually admit I watch this, while the admission that I watch America's Next Top Model must be made sotto voce and with shifty eyes). A sudden upswing in the fantastic twelfth season renewed my faith, but also set me up for inevitable disappointment in the teams cast for the upcoming thirteenth season (premieres Sunday, September 28, 7PM Central). I love to pre-judge, even though I always wind up being wrong in regards to about half of the teams. Let's really hope I am in this case, because after watching the intro video, one thing leaps out. We've got the potential to have a big pile of douchebags on our hands. Time to ferret out the wastes of perfectly good oxygen! Join me, won't you?

Terence and Sarah: She's cute as a button, but his faux-hawk is ill-advised. I know I've whined about faux-hawks before, but the thing is, Richard and Jennifer were both able to pull theirs off pretty well. Terence's just makes him look dippy. Their web bio doesn't make them look too bad, even if it relies heavily on TAR cliches like "prove to themselves whether they belong together". The tease about "dietary restrictions" is intriguing, too. That said, the intro video does not flatter them. New York is a wonderful place, no doubt, but few things irritate me more than New York Snobbery. The biggest symptom of this obnoxious malady is the assumption that commonplace feelings and events only take place in the Big Apple. Sarah says that being from New York is a "strategic advantage", because they're used to having to live their lives on the run. Oh, they've got busy lives and need to be places on time? Only in New York! See what I mean with that?

Douchebag Alert Level: Moderate

Marisa and Brooke: "What would The Amazing Race be without a team of blonds?" the announcer asks with amused wonder. Rhetorical as the question is, I have several answers: Interesting. Competitive. Smarter. Better. I don't understand this show's fascination with the Dumb, Cannon-Fodder Blond Woman archetype. KanDustin was a remarkable exception that proves the rule: The Amazing Race blond teams, despite their traditional protestations that they're more than plasticized faces with an affinity for pink, are bad racers with inflated senses of self-worth. That may have been a fun dynamic to watch once or twice, but not in every freaking season. These two certainly aren't angling to shed that image. Right there in the web bio is the idiotic assertion that always appears with these teams: "And if they have to do a little flirting along the way, they're not opposed to that, either". Right, because the flirting strategy worked out so well for Heather and Eve. And Megan and Heidi. And Danielle and Dani. And the IBs.

Douchebag Alert Level: Moderate to Extreme

Andrew and Dan: Frat brothers. They seem to be less toolish than your typical TV frat guys, so they've got that going for them. Aside from clearly being too invested in Judd Apatow movies and having goofy majors like "Tourism Management", there's not really much to say about them. This will have to be a wait-and-see team.

Douchebag Alert Level: Mild

Aja and Ty: As mentioned with Terence and Sarah, Amazing Race bios are nothing if not consistent in their use of cliche. We've covered the "use the race to test our relationship" and "flirting with strangers will somehow allow me to scale an ice wall" ones, and now we come to "I'm competitive, which is code for 'I throw an infantile hissyfit the moment things don't go my way'". Of course, Aja and Ty are the only black team in an embarrassingly white-bread season, they seem to mistake "competitive" for "win everything", and they appear at the outset to have nothing in common except for exercise. Sound familiar? I expressed similar disgust with Ray and Yolanda, who turned out to be lovely people and damn fine racers. Let's hope these two will also break free of their unflattering bio.

Douchebag Alert Level: Mild to Moderate

Mark and Bill: Geeks are king right now, and The Amazing Race knows when to jump on a good bandwagon. These two are friends who are into science-fiction and gaming, so you know one of them's got to be a Level 70 Druid based in Darnassus. Uh... I mean... I don't know anything about gaming! That stuff's for dorks! OK, fine. I'll admit I have a slight bias towards these two, as they seem perfectly nice, and I also have a pinch of geek in my patchwork personality. It'll be interesting to see how people with such cerebral interests will fare in such a physical contest.

Douchebag Alert Level: Non-Existent

Toni and Dallas: One of the things that made Season 12 so compelling was the number of family teams, which I generally find a lot more interesting than the endless parade of dysfunctional couples. Unfortunately, there are only two family teams this time, and only one of them appears to want to run a race, rather than to get their mugs on television. And here they are! What's funny about these two is that I know a single mom named Toni and I know a tall, wry guy named Dallas. They've never crossed paths, but it's fun to think about them in the same room. Anyhoo, this Toni and this Dallas appear to have a functional family relationship, which is nice to see, as parent/child teams are often fraught with so much psychological baggage, there's no room for the literal baggage. She says she'll fight the natural tendency to boss her kid around, and he's worried she'll embarrass him on multiple continents. Sounds logical.

Douchebag Alert Level: Non-Existent

Nick and Starr: Here's the other family team, and these siblings are thrilled to be on television. Yay! Millions of people will see their photogenic, smiling faces! Oh, and apparently, they'll be running the race as well. Who could have ever imagined that someone named Starr Spangler would like attention? All of this is pure speculation on my part, of course, and they could turn out to be skillful, intelligent racers. They just have that look of being more interested in the camera than the experience. One part of their bio that really chaps my hide isn't their fault. "Nick performs on the New York stage in an Off-Broadway musical called The Fantasticks, while Starr was a cheerleader for the Dallas Cowboys for the past three seasons." So, a record-holding show that has run for 48 years needs the qualifier "an Off-Broadway musical called...", but the phrase "a football team called..." is nowhere in sight, for obvious reasons. Damn breeders.

Douchebag Alert Level: Mild

Anita and Arthur: Wowsers. There's not much to say about these two that looking at their photo wouldn't explain. What can I add? Frankly, they look like they'd be a blast to hang out with. Older teams don't have the greatest track record, so I suppose we'll just have to enjoy them while they last.

Douchebag Alert Level: Non-Existent

Kelly and Christy: I would love to see an all-female team win the race. I really would. And I believe that the producers would like to see it as well. Why, then, are teams of such obvious ineptitude constantly foisted upon us? It can't be that difficult to find a smart, able all-female team. Cut it out with the cheerleader/pharmaceutical reps already. In their intro video, all they can find to talk about is their makeup. Literally. Not a word is spoken that is unrelated to cosmetics. These two are practically clones of Kellie and Jamie. Remember them? Me neither.

Douchebag Alert Level: Extreme

Ken and Tina: It's hard to pick the most annoying thing about these asses. The Bickering Couple archetype is never fun, and these two have all the classic signs. They're married but separated, just as many people on this show with severe personality flaws have been. He's cheated on her, but they have no trouble identifying themselves as strong Christians (and ten will get you twenty that they're the Weaver kind of Christian -- not the Golden Rule kind). So she's a nagging shrew and he's an aggressive tool. Let's hope they can work their marriage out. We don't need people like this in the dating pool. Oh, and if Tina's quote that they'll be "touching lives" across the world doesn't make you giggle nastily, you're a better person than I.

Douchebag Alert Level: Extreme

Anthony and Stephanie: If one tiresome, fighting couple isn't enough, have another one! They broke up for a year, but if they make it through the race, Anthony says he'll propose to Stephanie. What a terrific relationship benchmark. In the intro video, they try to pawn off their fighting on their ethnicity, which I didn't accept from Sam, and I won't accept now. At least Ken and Tina are obnoxious and slightly interesting. These two are just plain obnoxious.

Douchebag Alert Level: Extreme

Amazing Race 12 - Meet the Teams

The Amazing Race - Season 12

The quality of Amazing Race seasons has veered up and down more than a roller coaster at Fujikyu. FUJIKYU! A downslide in the sixth season leading to a poor seventh and a horrible-to-the-point-of-insulting eighth gave me little hope, but luckily, the show was able to turn itself around for the ninth and tenth, both of which were fairly delightful. I skipped the eleventh (All-Star seasons and I rarely get along), so it's been a while since I've been able to settle in with Phil and the gang.

Until now! CBS had the good grace to pull a terrible musical drama, leaving room for a brand spankin' new season of the race. The teams have finally been posted, and since it's never too early to start mouthing off about who will rock and who will suck, let's take a look at the latest rainbow of famewhores. Actually, before we get to the individual teams, something strikes me about the overall casting. Check out that group. There's something missing. Something I really, really, really don't miss. We're finally rid of the straight (except for Chip and Reichen, who may as well have been), white, muscly, alpha-male team who always makes it to the final three, and wins more often than not. I guess the producers caught on to how freaking boring that became, so this time around, there are far more familial relationships, which I actually find way more interesting than the friend or dating teams. Yay! Who among them will conquer the globe, and who will just be spanked and sent home?

Kynt and Vyxsin: Dating goths. Dating goths!?!?! Oh, this season is going to be fun. I'll bet they want to be spanked and sent home. Kynt and Vyxsin are very proud of being non-conformist, and being part of a different crowd in Louisville has made them cultivate an "us against the world" attitude. Oh, well that'll make global travel fun. Their bio also says that the most difficult part of the race will be adhering to their daily makeup routine. That'll be the most difficult? Not climbing an ice wall? Navigating the cab system in Turkey? Nope, apparently finding time to apply white lipstick will be the real challenge. And if they think the denizens of Louisville don't understand them, I can't wait to see how they communicate with people in Korea or whatever.

Jennifer and Nathan: On again/off again couple, and the closest thing to the missing alpha-male team, since they're both in really good shape. Over time, the race has given us an endless supply of blandly pretty, annoying couples, neither member of which has a molecule of personality, and who spend the whole season fighting. Thanks for being this year's representatives, Jennifer and Nathan! I wasn't kidding about the lack of personality. There isn't a single interesting thing listed in their bio, and the only thing that's different about them is that he cheated on her, but they're trying to work things out. I'm all for it, if it'll keep them both out of the dating pool.

Ronald and Christina: Father and daughter. Both adorable. Both hard-working. Both whip-smart. Ronald is a first-generation immigrant, and such a workaholic that he had to miss a lot of Christina's formative years. They're hoping to use the race to strengthen their bond. I used to think stressful racing was a terrible way of doing that, but then Duke and Lauren came along. I could do without the "Who's Your Daddy" shirt he's working in the bio picture, but I can tell that this is one of those teams I'm going to love, then curse the heavens when they're eliminated.

Shana and Jennifer: Friends. I'm hesitant to slap the vapid twat label on the young, all-female team too hastily, because Dustin and Kandice wound up rocking my world. The signs aren't good, though. Their bio mentions their "good looks", although they look no different than the rest of the 16 billion LA blondes wandering around. They can be "bitchy". I heard one of them say that they plan to "flirt" their way through the race, an oft-tried strategy in teams with no brains, and which never works, thank God. They seem to be just as dumb and unlikable as previous Stupid Girl teams, but fortunately, Stupid Girl teams generally don't hang around for long.

Azaria and Hendekea: Brother and sister. Between these two and Kynt/Vyxsin, I can tell I'm going to need the Backspace key a lot this season. I like sibling teams (except for those awful Harpies), but their aptitude is hard to predict. They appear to have a fair amount of sibling rivalry, but I can't tell how much of that is played up for drama's sake. Azaria describes his sister as "dainty", which doesn't bode well, but they're both engineers (so they're no dummies), and they appear to be in fairly good physical shape. I'll just have to see them in action before I make up my mind about them.

Lorena and Jason: Dating couple. Anytime you see "bartender", "model", "physical trainer", or "actor" on the bio page, you know you're in for some irritation. At first glance, they appear to be a perfectly acceptable granola couple. Some quick reading, however, reveals that they're every bit as uninteresting as their blond counterparts up there (though my gut reaction tells me I'll like these two more than Jennifer and Nathan). There is one weird thing about their bio. They say that cultural differences have caused some friction in their relationship, and then never say what those differences are. Are they of two different religions? Is she Israeli and he Palestinian? Does she like the frosted Pop Tarts and he likes the naked ones? Guess we'll find out later.

Nicolas and Donald: Grandson and grandfather. Well, this is a first. I couldn't imagine running a race with any of my four grandparents. Walking from the grocery store exit to the car in the parking lot was enough of a trial. Nicolas is a young airline pilot, and is cute in a dorky kind of way. Donald wears a shirt that reads "Grandpa" in their bio photo. Thanks for the heads up! I was confused about which one of you was older. They both seem nice, but Donald is pushing seventy, so I'm not going to form any lasting affection for this team, if you get my drift.

Ari and Staella: "Friends". I guess "Gay guy and his fag hag" would have rubbed too many people the wrong way. I want to like them, but there are some problems right off the bat. Ari is "catty", and describes himself as "rude and hilarious". Sigh. My problems with the overwhelming use of the Prissy Gay on this show are well-documented. How about a gay guy who's just gay? How about a gay guy who's more interested in racing than in maintaining the cliche of the scathing gossip? I miss Ken. Staella "won't hesitate to flirt her way to the front of the pack". Great, except for two problems. First, as I've already said, flirting doesn't work as a long-term strategy on this show. Second (and don't think I'm not aware of the irony of saying this after what I just said about Ari), she's not pretty enough to pull it off.

Marianna and Julia: Sisters. Before I declare myself a pre-fan of this team, which I intend to do, allow me to complain about yet another declaration that they're going to use flirtation as a strategy. GAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Thank you. OK, onto the good news. To be shallow for a moment, they're both really pretty. And "real" pretty, not "generic television" pretty. They have actual jobs. They admire the Hippies for their positive outlooks. If these two turn out to have the Hippies' approach to the race minus the Hippies' tiresome love of their own personalities, they may skyrocket to the top of my list.

Rachel and TK: Dating. Certainly the least annoying of the dating couples. It always pains me to see an attractive man hidden behind an ugly hairstyle, but if TK loses the beard and that Kurt Cobain wig, we'll be in business. The relationship between Rachel and TK seems to still be in its formative stage, and the stress of the race tends to blow that honeymoon phase to shit, lest anyone forget Peter and Sarah. If they don't wind up strangling each other, they may have a nice jump on some other teams, owing to the fact that they both appear to have more than three brain cells to rub together.

Kate and Pat: Married lesbian ministers. Married lesbian ministers!?!?! That pretty much blows the awesomeness of a goth team out of the water. I can't really get a bead on their personalities from the bio, and I doubt they'll get that far (I tend to love Teams of a Certain Age, but history is not on their side). For the time they do stick around, though, they'll certainly be interesting to watch. Accepting or annoyingly Jesus-freaky? Functional or constantly bickering? In the trailer I saw, one of them called the show "a love letter to the planet", which is a little hippy-dippy for my tastes, but I'm all for a positive attitude.

The Girl Who Won't Stop Talking - Part 1

America's Next Top Model - Season 8 Casting Special

Previously on America's Next Top Model: CariDee. Bleh. This show and I have had a tumultuous history, and I believe the only season I've been able to commit to the entire way through was the first one. That doesn't bode well, but I'll just have to see how it goes. The first hour of the two-hour premiere is generally the part where the semi-finalists are whittled down into the final thirteen, who get to move into the model pad and actually compete. This season is no exception. The first hour is also generally annoying, boring, and pointless, since the names of the final thirteen are publically available way before the episode airs. This season is no exception. Therefore, you'll forgive me if I coast through the more mind-numbing parts.

We open, as we are wont to do, with a gazillion pictures of Tyra. She voices-over that she's been a model for more than half her life. Well, no wonder she's so qualified to have a talk show and discuss deep and controversial issues. She says it's been her dream to pass on the torch of modeling to girls across America. Because Nicole's doing so well these days. Who? Exactly. She does give us some interesting factoids, namely that the show is broadcast in over 110 countries, and that Heidi Klum hosts the German version. That Heidi sure keeps herself busy! We're told the competition back home is getting stiffer than ever, but judging from the stupid audition videos shown here, it doesn't seem all that bad. 33 girls have made it to the semi-finals, and have been flown to Los Angeles. Who will make it to the final thirteen?!?!?! Hmm, could it be these girls? A few of the semi-finalists shake hands at the airport. I fail to be bowled over by their beauty. Natasha is from Texas, but was born in Russia. She's not pretty. Jaslene tried out last season. She's not pretty.

The girls are packed into a van, but instead of being thrown down a well and being told to put lotion on their skin, they're driven to a military post of sorts. I feel sorry for the poor guys who signed up to serve their country, and instead are serving as a backdrop for a silly reality show. The Jays approach in a jeep, and we get our first of the traditional obnoxious squeals from the girls. Can't say I missed those. Natasha says that "all of a sudden -- oh, my God -- I see Jays coming, and I'm screaming". I admit that that would be my reaction too, though we'd probably be screaming for different reasons. A girl named Jessica admires Miss Jay's tight, lithe body. That's sweet of you, Jessica, but I doubt he's interested. OJ is as annoying as ever as he "welcomes" the girls to "model boot camp". Well, it's a better theme than twirling twins, anyway. The Jays yell at the girls about not knowing about designers or whatever, then give them two minutes to change into their boot camp outfits.

Model stampede. I always enjoy those. We meet Renee, who in an impressive move, gets herself on the shitlist immediately by interviewing that she's got this competition in the bag, because her first impression of the other girls is that they don't have the character and determination that she has. Odd that she's able to assess the character and determination of people she hasn't spoken to, but let's not delve too deeply into her psyche. We may never find our way back out. The girls jog out in their outfits (camo pants and white tank tops), and OJ tells them that they'll be kicking things off with a posing competition, and that their knowledge will be tested. Miss Jay tells the girls to strike a "fashion mad [i.e., angry]" pose. The girls limply attempt "anger" and land closer to "mild consternation". OJ makes a fugly girl named Jael do some pushups. To her credit, she does them cheerfully, and melodramatically interviews that they're just modeling; not curing cancer. Okay, she may be fugly, but she seems cool. OJ asks the girls for a concave-back-Richard-Avedon-couture pose. The girls are all "Um...I understand the word pose, anyway!". OJ asks if any of them know who Richard Avedon is. A girl named Sarah effortlessly rattles off the fact that he is [or more accurately -- was] an influential photographer. OJ is impressed, has Sarah step forward, and pins a little medal on her tank top. A whiny girl named Bethany lives up to that description by whining that Sarah only won the challenge because she knew the answer to OJ's question. She says it's "bull" that Sarah won, which is kind of like saying that the only reason the other baseball team managed to beat you is because they scored more runs. Man, what bullshit!

Later. The girls are told to strike a "model pose" for a Polaroid shot, and have their measurements taken. This is one of those boring segments I'm glossing over. There are two plus-size models present, Whitney and Diana, both of whom are cute (though I'm giving the edge to Whitney). Marching. Chanting. That dispensed with, Tyra suddenly dances in with a college step squad. What does a step squad have to do with boot camp? Um... I'll get back to you on that. The girls dutifully squeal. Tyra talks to hear herself talk for a while, then dances off. This actually brings tears to fucking Renee's eyes. I wonder if there will be a scene with Renee that doesn't make me want to break a loaf of French bread on her forehead.

Commercials. LabRat loves this commercial with the lady beating the crap out of that guy in the supermarket line because she thinks he's staring at her ass.

And we're back. We're treated to a subtitle that reads "Los Angeles, CA", in case we thought the competition magically moved to another city over the commercial break. Yuck, it's time for the panel interviews, which always suck. Now, I would never normally pass instant judgment on someone's looks, but I'm going to here, for two reasons. First of all, it's a modeling competition. Beauty should enter into it, yes? Secondly, I need to mention how pretty some of these girls are to underscore my confusion at some of the Pound Puppies they let into the finals. Let's zoom through them! The girls enter a hotel. Farrah is quite pretty. The first panel interview is Kathleen, who runs into the room screaming. Good God, I hate that. She's got a big, fake, poofy, red afro. Kathleen is very plain, which sounds like an insult, but compared to some of these other chicks, "plain" is nothing to sniff at. She does have nice boobs. Nothing she says is worth revisiting. Next is Sarah (the one who "unfairly" won the posing challenge at boot camp). She's blond, waifish, and fairly cute, though her outfit is ugly. She's already a fashion photographer. It seems like she's got a good head on her shoulders, which is always refreshing on this show.

OK, I take back what I just said about Sarah's outfit being ugly, because this outfit takes the cake. Even Jeffrey would be ashamed to send this trash down the runway. The girl wearing it is Cassandra, who needs to be a model like I need to be starting defensive tackle for the Rams. Her nose is enormous and she's got a wig sewn onto her head, and to make a long story short (too late!), she's a mess from top to bottom. Heather is a very cute blonde, whose father was a boot camp instructor. She demonstrates the patter by impressively yelling at the Jays. Well done, Heather. She interviews that she can take criticism and react to it in a positive way. I like her. Brittany's interview is boring, but she's attractive. She sort of looks like Elyse in a roundabout kind of way. Natasha the Russian enters. I tried to give it some time to adjust to her, but no. The Venn diagram circles of "Natasha" and "pretty" simply do not intersect at any point. She came over to America when she got married. At age eighteen. To a forty-year-old. But it's true love!

Interstitial hotel segment. Kathleen accidentally flashes her boobs to the other girls. Sarah brags about doing a fashion show while wearing large heels. Natasha argues over the brand the heels were, as if a) she were present and b) it matters in the least. Shut up, Natasha. Proving that it's not only American reality show contestants who have an appalling lack of self-awareness, she refers to some of the other girls (presumably meaning Sarah) as "masculine". Dude, Natasha's dick fell off about ten minutes ago.

Commercials. I like this series of misunderstanding-through-dropped-call ads, but it's one of those problems that's so overblown in the advertising world. Nobody I know really has an issue with dropped calls, regardless of what plan they have.

Natasha admits her child bride status to the other girls, and then it's back to the panel interviews. Micheline has jet black hair and a bunch of tattoos. Her dream is to show that someone who looks like her can be a successful model. I don't see it happening. Not on this show, anyway. She seems like a nice girl and everything, but her tattoos are essentially the only thing keeping her from being entirely forgettable. Samantha is pretty. She's vaguely Natalie Portman-ish. Melissa is not in the least bit pretty, and is your basic Bronx hoochie stereotype. Dionne is much better looking, though she babbles on endlessly. Montage of girls we know have no chance. Natalie loved Audrey Hepburn in Dinner at Tiffany's. She quickly "corrects" herself to say she means Lunch at Tiffany's. Oy. Dionne talks some more. Ladies and gentlemen, our titular girl. Well done, Dionne. Turns out she's studying dentistry, so good for her. We hear again about Jaslene's unsuccessful audition last season. There was good reason she didn't make it in last time. She's not pretty. And like the other unattractive girls, her odd features aren't fashionable (like Grace was); she's just plain unattractive.

Jessica is completely normal-looking and normal-acting, so this is naturally the last time we'll see her until she gets eliminated. Renee has a seven-month-old baby, and Tyra points out how wonderful Renee's stomach looks for giving birth such a short time ago. It's true, so enjoy your one and only compliment this evening, Renee: well done on losing the baby weight. She cries again in interview, talking about how much better a life she's going to carve out for her child by abandoning him for a while to be on this show. Let's not even attempt to dissect that rationale. She "takes no prisoners", but claims she's not a complete bitch. I'm willing to take her word for it. I'm sure she's only 97% bitch.

Interstitial hotel segment. Natasha chides the other girls for burping. Natasha is fast approaching Renee in the Desperately Needs to Shut Up race, and may even pass her soon. The two of them hate each other, of course, because assholes often have to compete for attention.

Commercials. Almost the entire break is taken up by some odd, pseudo-news segment about spring vacation. Weird.

Whitney comes in for her panel interview, and almost pops out of her top a few times. She says that Dartmouth was an all-white school when she entered as a freshman, which I have an extremely hard time believing, but don't care enough to research. She makes an impressively assertive stand for plus-size models, and I think she's quite pretty. Jael is next. She's still fugly, and on a personal note, I can't stand nose rings. Plus, her outfit is hideous. Those complaints aside, I enjoy her personality. She's very laid-back, and she has a healthy attitude about being biracial. Next up is Diana, the other plus-size model. She thinks it would make a good statement to have a plus-size girl win. I agree. Let's give the crown to Whitney right now! Oops, that's probably not what Diana meant. She hopes that being a bit bigger means that the other girls won't even view her as serious competition until it's too late for them. Heh, she seems pretty cool. Next is Felicia, who's fairly boring. She's not super-pretty or super-ugly or super-nice or super-bitchy or super-anything.

Interstitial hotel segment. Whiny Bethany wonders who the plus-size models are. Sarah says that it's someone who's size 12-14. Kathleen interviews that Diana and Whitney could be serious competition, and most of the girls don't realize it. Well, there goes Diana's strategy. The girls fret over the first elimination. And here it is! The girls will be whittled from 33 to 20, via the usual method of finding their pictures. These pictures will be in a gift bag, inviting the chosen 20 to a fashion party, which they'll need to get dressed for right away. Micheline says that she quit her job to come audition, so she's taking a real risk. Will that risk pay off? Here's a hint: No. OJ says that they'll have their pictures taken at the party. The girls shriek in anticipation. Ready?

Model stampede! Whiny Bethany. Lauren (who?). Kathleen. Gelecia. Is that some sort of nutritional supplement? Sarah. Dionne. Heather. Chelsea (who?). Samantha. Felicia. Brittany. Natasha. Cassandra. Hannah (who?). Melissa. Jaslene. Renee. Diana. Whitney. Jael. That's twenty, so it looks like Micheline will need to start job hunting tomorrow. She wants to go punch Jael for some reason. Jessica pretends that she's above the whole thing. Yeah, she didn't want to win anyway. Whiny Bethany says she feels bad for the girls who didn't make it, but that this is a competition, and if the girls couldn't cut it, she's glad to see them go. Healthy attitude, Whiny Bethany. Keep that in mind for when seven more girls are cut later.

"Fashion" "party". The girls get their pictures taken with G-list celebrities. Whitney realizes how important this photo may be in the next elimination. Natasha dances hoochily. Kathleen disapproves. Wow, that's quite a role reversal from twenty minutes ago, when Natasha was all steamed up about Kathleen wanting to burp. Diana wonders if Tyra will let two plus-size models into the competition. The girls have fun, but they're all on edge about who will make it to the finals.

Commercials. Is it because of Lent that I'm seeing all these annoying fast food fish sandwich commercials lately? I don't care what God you worship -- nobody needs to be eating the fish from McDonald's.

Boring deliberations. OJ thinks Whitney will "serve it up" over Diana. Whiny Bethany poses like a hooker. Kathleen's party picture is awesome. Samantha has a nice, devilish look about her, much like a young Janice Dickinson. The Jays love Sarah. Jaslene looks ridiculous (in my opinion, not theirs). Tyra's wig looks even more fake than usual (ditto).

Elimination. This takes place out on the lawn for some reason. Tyra tells the girls that this part never gets easier. Well, judging by this kennel club, it should be. Legitimately attractive girls like Farrah have already been eliminated so clockstoppers like Melissa could advance. Time to announce the finalists. First is Natasha. Ugh. Kathleen. Sarah. She's the first to be pleased without feeling the need to shriek like a damn banshee, so a point to her for that. Cassandra. Whaaa? Renee. Well, she sucks, but at least she's pretty. Samantha. Yay! Dionne. Yay! Whitney. Yay! Brittany. Yay! Felicia. Jael. Jaslene. Pass the crack, Tyra. One name left. And that name is...Diana. Whew. So that means girls like Heather and Lauren, who are just adorable, are now cut to make room for Cassandra, who looks like she stuck her face in a blender. Oh, well. At least Melissa got axed. Unfortunately, we don't get to hear what Whiny Bethany thinks about the girls who got cut, now that she's one of them. The finalists dance happily. They're charged up. The Back to the Future photo fades into existence girl by girl. Even professional hair and makeup can't salvage Cassandra's picture.

In the next hour of America's Next Top Model: The first photo shoot. Moving into the model pad. Renee sets about making enemies, as you knew she would. Someone gets eliminated.

Overall Grade: B

The Girl Who Marks Her Territory, Part 1

America's Next Top Model - Season 7 Casting Special

After two cycles of not being able to fully recap ANTM (either because of time commitments or because the show's quality slid down into a cesspool of suck), I've decided to not even attempt it this time. Still, the siren song of Tyra's bitches calls out to me, so I thought I'd least take a stab at putting mini-recaps up. I know the future me, looking back sixty years from now, will appreciate being able to say "Oh, yeah. I remember what a dumb skank Cyndel was. Heh heh heh. Pass the prunes."

So, we're back for Cycle 7! Whee! These girls just keep getting homelier and homelier. In a couple of cycles, they'll be those toothless women who argue endlessly with the cashier at the ghetto supermarket near my apartment. We start off with thirty-three girls, and while it would be deliciously wonderful to make them all share the model pad, we're going to have to whittle them down to the usual thirteen. We meet some of the hopefuls at the airport. Melrose is fairly pretty and fairly bitchy, so we know she'll be making it. Amanda and Michelle are twins. But I'm sure they'll be the only hopefuls who try to use some sort of hook to get into the competition. There's a surprise waiting for the girls when they land at the Los Angeles airport; Miss J in full...regalia, waiting to lead them outside and have them pose for a photographer. Ooh, cruel idea. I love it. I look like hell after I've been traveling. We only see a few of them get their picture taken, but they seem to do pretty well.

All of the girls wind up at some hotel or other, and are greeted by those tiresome twins from the last cycle, who seem to make their entire living out of spinning in circles. No, really. Their job is to show people what bored seven-year-olds have been doing to amuse themselves since cavemen days. Sigh. Tyra appears from behind them, and the girls squeal as always. The twins vanish for the rest of the episode. So they twirled for fourteen seconds on a television show. I bet they make more in a year than I'll make in my life. Sigh. We go into the panel interviews with Tyra and the Jays, and meet more of the girls. Caridee "doesn't care what anyone thinks of [her]". That may surprise you, given that Caridee will spend the rest of the hour trying to scrounge attention and approval from anyone unlucky enough to cross her path, but whatever. Anchal is an Indian-American who "strongly" identifies with her culture -- except she wears light blue contact lenses to cover her dirty, shameful dark eyes. Sigh. Mortifying as that is for legitimately cultural Indian-American women, at least Anchal doesn't seem as stupefyingly idiotic as Gina was. She's cuter, too. Michelle (one of the twins -- the model twins, not the stupid twirling ones) tells Tyra she used to play basketball in college. She says it as if she were recounting a tale of yore from days long past. Michelle, you're eighteen. You were in college for two months, six weeks ago. Shut up.

More girls come in and humiliate themselves for Tyra and the Jays. Becky is semi-cute. Monique comes in and tells Tyra that she deserves to be in the competition more than the other girls. When asked why, she breaks down into tears as she recounts the horrific story of...being made fun of by her siblings, because her skin's a little darker than theirs. OH, MY GOD!!!! POOR MONIQUE!!!! Come here, you poor dear. Let me get you a cup a tea. Man, I can't believe people gave all that money and attention to those stupid Katrina victims, when here we have Monique; a genuine survivor. Eugena comes in and tells the judges that she's mean, but "in moderation". Hmm. She does say that she thought Cycle 6 was boring, which makes her my new best friend. Brooke is a white girl who lamely tries to rap and thinks we should be proud of her for dropping out of high school to be on reality television. Yeah, you're a role model, Brooke.

Interstitial scenes wherein the girls stage their own boring walk-off, but at least nobody's fighting about chapstick.

More panel interviews. Megan is asked about a tragedy in her past, and tells the judges about surviving a plane crash, partly because her dying mother covered Megan with her own body. Pfft. You call that a tragedy? Get back to me when your skin's a slightly different shade than your sister's. Evita has two children and a husband in Iraq. All respect to that, of course, but she says it about a zillion times, clearly trying to cash in on sympathy to coast into the model pad. AJ battled cervical cancer. She's a rocker type of girl, and I like her instantly. Cyndel is an entertainer. That is, she entertains people by taking off all of her clothes and jiggling her vagina in their faces. But she's not a stripper, damn it! She's an entertainer. She tells Tyra that stripping is just another form of modeling, and Tyra recoils with disgust. It's fairly awesome.

No matter what you see next, know that I'm not making up any of these names. Jaeda is ugly. Jaslene is fugly. Leangela was abandoned at a young age, and had to live in foster homes, but wound up becoming the first African-American homecoming queen in her town. That's cool. Ginger is our token conservative that the judges like to beat up on for being narrow-minded. She seems pretty harmless. Megg yells a lot, but still manages to be really boring. Some other girls are even more boring, to the point that I couldn't find a single thing about them worth noting.

Time for the first elimination. The girls are cut from thirty-three to twenty-one in the usual stampede fashion. OJ is wearing a sleeveless shirt in the mistaken believe that he is attractive. I always love when Tyra's gargantuan ego peeks through, so the fact that the girls have to find their photo by opening a folder with a giant picture of her face plastered across it amuses me no end. A bunch of girls squeal with joy upon finding their pictures. Wow, Cyndel didn't make the cut. Shocking.

OJ gives the remaining girls access to makeup and a wall of wigs and hair extensions, and tells them they have fifteen minutes to do whatever they like. They do, and some of them are hilariously incompetent at making themselves presentable. After they're finished, OJ tells them that those who chose to use the wigs will have an advantage, because they can use them to artfully cover themselves for their next challenge -- a nude photo shoot. The girls freak out; particularly Ginger.

They go up one by one, with various bits being blurred. Not that I get any sexual charge out this, but I still think it's a bit icky to have girls that turned eighteen about four hours ago running around naked. My straight male friends are going to hunt me down for saying that. If they watched this show. Which they inexplicably don't. Becky yells at another girl for giving her a hard time for not being wild about the shoot. She says, somewhat snottily, that she's going to do it, despite not wanting to. And do it she does. I mean... Yay for Becky, but calm the hell down. Ginger really, really doesn't want to pose nude, but winds up tossing off her towel, allowing the photographer to take two quick shots, then covering up again. One of the other girls says that if Ginger is going to be so inflexible, she should automatically be eliminated. Those two shots notwithstanding? I agree.

That evening, the girls gather so that Tyra can whittle them down to the final thirteen. She does that incredibly annoying thing where she announces that "the next name I am going to call is..." Just give us the names! It's not like they haven't been publicly available on the web for about three weeks! And here we go. Melrose. Duh. Jaeda. Ew, gross. Michelle. Eugena. Brooke. She does another lame rap. She's cute and seems nice, but needs to knock that shit off. Anchal. AJ. Yay! Christian. Who? Oh, she must be one of those girls that's so boring, I didn't even make a note about her panel interview. Megg. I sense a lot of "shut up" will be flying in her direction. Megan. Caridee. Amanda. She's relieved, as is Michelle. Twin competitors. I wonder how they'll handle those eliminations. And the "last name that I'm going to call" is...Monique. Well, sure. After all the hell she's gone through, she surely deserves a spot. Poor, slightly blacker Monique.

Evita is mad, because she made such a sacrifice leaving her two children behind (fatherless, since he's in Iraq, remember? Remember when she said her husband is in Iraq? Because he's there. In Iraq.) to come and compete. Well, you get to go back and take care of them now, so leave, fruitcake. Ginger doesn't think making it into the competition is worth compromising her morals. Hooray for your morals, Ginger, but maybe you should have considered them before applying to be in a competition where it's not exactly unheard of to be nude. Twit. So there are our thirteen! I'm calling Melrose to get third place. The bitch always does. Stick around for the second part of the premiere, so we can see who won't last long enough to cry about her makeover!

Overall Grade: B

Road to the Runway

Project Runway - Season 3 Casting Special

Previously on Project Runway: Attitude. Parties. Temper tantrums. Backstabbing. Unlikely friendships. Comeuppance. Boobies. Oh, and a bunch of clothing got designed. Chloe pulled out a surprise win, which was a delightful end to a fairly delightful season. Can lightning strike again? We'll find out over the next several weeks, as we go through the entire rigmarole again. But first, we've got to pick a fresh batch of psychos to love and hate. Let's get to it!

Tim tells us that he was simultaneously thrilled and terrified to jump right into casting. Open calls were held in Los Angeles, Chicago, Miami, and New York, so I guess the Pacific Northwest can just suck it. Applicants were asked to bring in a portfolio, three garments, and to fill out a twenty-page application. Twenty pages! I think I could sum up my entire life in four. Some people were sent home instantly (shot of a girl who looks like the female version of Marilyn Manson), while some were moved on to the "next level", and asked to make a bio video. Forty-five semi-finalists were chosen, fifteen of which were selected by Tim, Heidi, Nina, and Michael to appear on the show. Nice little summation, there. Now for the gory details.

Casting started in Los Angeles. Tim tells us that his brain was bleeding in anticipation of spending two days sitting next to guest judge Santino Rice. Hahaha! Oh, I've missed Tim. Let's catch up with Santino. Really, the only thing you need to know is that he struts down the street wearing a shirt with his own picture on it. Yeah, that's pretty much Santino in a nutshell. He tells us that his life has changed since the show, and that he's meeting all kinds of actors and musicians that want to be his clients. I guess we'll know who when we see someone show up at the Oscars looking like they got caught in an emu explosion. Tim tells the other judges he was concerned that Santino would make the audition process all about himself rather than concentrating on seeking new contestants, but was pleasantly surprised by how competent he was. Shots of Santino giving out some articulate critiques. Tim also says that the applicant pool is made up of much more experienced designers this year, since the show seems to be such a great launching pad for careers. I love that about this show. America's Next Top Model has NOTHING to do with actually finding a good model, I doubt that the Top Chef will be the Top Anything, and you'll never convince me that American Idol is anything more than a glorified karaoke contest. It's refreshing to see a reality show that actually has some after-game potential.

The first potential we meet is Robert Best, who's wearing a T-shirt that's far too tight for him. It's nice that you want to show off your chest, Robert, but it's showing off your gut, too. Not that I have anything against guts - I just don't think they should be accentuated, necessarily. Tim remembers Robert from when he was a student at Parson's. He's been working at Mattel for 10 years, designing Barbie clothes. We really only see one of his garments, which is very pretty. Santino asks who he thought should have won the Barbie challenge in Season 2, and Robert obligingly sucks up to him. He's moved ahead, and we see a snippet of his bio video, which seems well-produced. Really, I can't come up with any reasoned objections to him, which is why I don't understand why he irritates the piss out of me. I watched these first two episodes with Gnat, and she asked what I didn't like about him, and all I could say is that I sense a seismic bitch attack lurking under the surface, just as I did with Hayden in Season 6 of The Amazing Race. We'll see if I'm proven right. Like I was with her. Fucking Hayden.

Next, a string of losers. Someone (I really can't tell if they're male or female) wears a tight, hideous, black wedding dress. Oy. There's an equally hideous multi-colored motorcycle outfit. The next person we see with promise is Uli Herzner, from Munich. So of course Heidi likes her instantly. Heh. She hangs up her three garments, but I'm immediately drawn to the dress she's actually wearing. It's really pretty. Tim, Santino, and the two random other judges love her stuff, as do I. She's moved on. The next person they see is...sigh. Jeffrey Sebelia. He makes clothes for "rock stars and actors who want to look like rock stars". In other words, he feels free to make a mass of ugly shit that can then be classified as "edgy". He comes in with his hood pulled up over his head, cause he's just keepin' it real, y'all! I hate him already. Just so I'm not impossibly over-biased, some of the photos in his portfolio are genuinely lovely. He's moved on. I sigh again. Next is Stacey Estrella. Tim pronounces the L's in her last name, so while she may be our Token Hispanic, she's still American. No need to deport her, George Bush! Fucker. Is it November 2008 yet? Sorry, where was I? Stacey would like to be on the show so that she can make a name for herself in fashion. She's already got an MBA from Harvard. Also, she's pretty. The clothes she has made for the audition are not. The judges like her portfolio, though, so she's moved on. Nina transitions us to the next scene by saying that Stacey reminds her of Wendy, from Season 1.

Ah, Wendy. I haven't seen Season 1 yet, but I'm familiar with Wendy. Wendy was the Santino of Season 1. We flash back to her audition, her acceptance into the show, and her metamorphosis into a rancid, hateful bitch. We catch up with her now, but it looks like we didn't get to her before a plastic surgeon did. I mean, she looks good, but yowsa. Leave some Botox for the rest of us. She tells us that she's "fielding orders night and day". We watch her take pictures of a model in a poorly-lit room. I'm sure those will come out nicely. And that's it. Bye, Wendy!

There are a few more Los Angeles auditions. Bonnie Dominguez is getting back into fashion after ten years. She, like so many women on television these days, has those impossibly ugly highlights that I just don't understand. Pick a color, damn it! I don't care if you get highlights, but they should blend in! This rash of women having dark hair with random streaks of blonde running through it is SO FUCKING UGLY. I don't see anything special about her or her garments, but she's moved on. What'ere. Next is Vincent Libretti, who once had a career in fashion, but dropped out due to stress. In his bio video, he shows off his sewing room, which has a chalkboard taking up one wall. It's nice, but it's impossible to concentrate on anything but Vincent's Weezer glasses and nervous verbal tics. Santino isn't impressed with his portfolio. Fashion hasn't been kind to Vincent, but he's willing to give it another shot, even cashing out his 401K to design the new line. Nina and Michael like him. He's in!

More losers. There's a woman whose breasts are actively trying to escape from her body. A guy whose design inspiration is insects. A woman in, like, a red pleather bat outfit. A guy in a kilt. A guy in a cowboy hat and pants so tight I can just about make out every vein on his dick. Some boring guy that's so boring, I can't even describe him.

The next potential with promise is Bradley Baumkirchner. Hippie alert! I'm not generally a fan of Hippie fashion, but I like him. He makes little sound effects in his bio video that crack me up. His portfolio sketches are just as amusing. I have no comment on or even any recollection of his clothing, which is probably a bad sign, but I'm still happy that he's moved on. Tim says that his bio video sealed the deal, which is our transition into catching up with Austin from Season 1. Apparently, he didn't wow the judges at the audition, but made up for it with a wonderful video. We see some of his dresses from the show. Now he's designing wedding gowns that are super-pretty. A guest judge who tore him apart on the show is now his boss. Hee. He's glad he didn't take Nina or Michael's advice to break out of whatever design rut he had during his season.

Commercials. I'm sorry, Banana Republic. You're out. *kiss kiss* Auf Wiedersehen.

Tim tells us that 18 semi-finalists were chosen in LA, and since we only met seven, I guess all of the people we saw are going to be in the show. That's kind of dull. Anyhow, the next audition city is Chicago. Establishing shots. Hey, I think I see Blood Ray! Nick from Season 2 will be joining Tim and the No Names as the guest judge here. Hang on a sec, I've got to add "Tim and the No Names" to my Awesome Band Names list. OK, I'm back. Nick schmoozes with the potentials outside. He advises them to stand out. He tells us that after the show, NBC sent him to Torino to do fashion commentary on figure skating. Hehehe. Now, he's back to teaching. I bet he'd be a fun teacher. He's also designing a new line, and seems to be settled very nicely into the fashion world. Good for him.

Let's kick off Chicago with some losers! The first woman who comes in has a voluminous white coat with paint splatters of different colors all over it. It's awful. Some woman has a simple white dress with ugly black trim pasted on randomly. A drag queen is excused, and looks like s/he's about to leap over the table and bludgeon Tim to death with a shovel.

Now, the semi-finalists. First is Kayne Gillaspie. He's already found a measure of success in the fashion industry by burrowing into one of its specialty niches: pageant and prom dresses. His store is very, very pink. He does a Mommie Dearest in his bio video, beating the cameraman with a wire hanger. Heh. Tim likes Kayne, but hates the pageanty stuff he's brought in. Next is Steve Rosengard. He bores the judges to tears, but his taffeta is apparently arousing enough to have him moved on. Yeah, I don't get it. All we see of his bio video is the places in his apartment that he's had sex. Still not getting his appeal. Tim tells us that five semi-finalists were chosen in Chicago.

Next, it's off to Miami. Disturbing establishing shot of overtanned women wearing butt floss thongs. Chloe joins Tim as the guest judge here. We watch Chloe's win (yay!), then see her store in Houston, which is doing very well. She says that after the show, people assumed she'd be moving to New York, but that she's staying put. Her family and boyfriend are in Texas, plus she gets to be a big fish in a small pond. That sounds wise. She says that her world has changed, and now she can charge more for her clothing. Hahahaha!

The first person we meet in Miami is Michael Knight. While I abhor stereotyping and pigeon-holing in general, I'm ecstatic to see a straight, black, male designer. He tells the judges that he did his own version of dresses for three of last season's challenges. We see two of them (the muslin challenge and the Nicky Hilton challenge), and they are beautiful. Tim isn't impressed, though, saying that they want to know Michael individually, not through the lens of the show. Fair enough. His dresses are very classic and have clean lines, so you know they get raves from Chloe. He's moved on essentially on her recommendation, and good for her. Next is Jonathan Haggerty. He has designed an all black collection, which is apparently difficult. I don't see why, but I know nothing about fashion, so I'll take his word for it.

String of losers. Several people who have made patchwork designs out of ties and scarves and stuff are dismissed as "student work". The next potential we meet is Katherine Gerdes. She has one of those chin piercings I can't stand. I know it makes me sound seventy years old and like I should be yelling at kids to get off my lawn, but I just find them unattractive and distracting. We see a bit of her bio video. She looks exactly like her mom, which is endearing for some odd reason. She teaches snowboarding and outs herself as a dork. I can see her worming her way onto my good side. Her clothes are kind of ugly, and none of the judges like her except for Tim. And what he says, goes. I do really like her portfolio sketches.

Choppy transition to the Catch Up With A Previous Designer segment. This time it's Kara Saun, who took second place in Season 1. All of her clothes are gorgeous, and that's not an exaggeration. Literally every single piece they show is stunning. She says she's glad she didn't win, because the people that called her afterwards for work said that a winner would be too busy or whatever. Hmm. She also designed a lot of the maternity dresses Heidi wore during the second season, which were pretty enough for me to specifically notice them, even as I was supposed to be concentrating on the designers' work. Well done, Kara Saun.

Commercials. If you buy a Mercedes, you'll meet the love of your life.

New York. We're up to 33 semi-finalists. Danzzz joins Tim as the guest judge. He talks about what he's been doing since the show. To be honest with you, I can't hear a word without putting it through the filter of a recent interview I read with Tim Gunn, who talks about what a diva Danzzz has become, and how he wants to be a famous designer without paying his dues by working under someone else. Ouch. The first potential we meet is Jillian Lewis. She seems nice, which is why I'm reluctant to make fun of her ugly, Dynasty-era hairdo. Her clothes are cute. Next is Keith Michael, who's pretty cute himself. As he walks in, one of the No Names asks him if he only brought menswear, which he did. The only women's clothing he presents is in photos, and these are pieces that he collaborated on with someone else. The No Name gives him a very hard time for this, as she should. Tim overrides everyone again and moves him on. I wonder if Tim ever gets drunk with power. He doesn't seem like the type.

Next, is....oooh. Laura Bennett. I'll save you some time right now and tell you that I love everything about Laura. She's been in the room two seconds, and I'm already prepared to swear she farts sunshine. She's a mother of five, an architect, a fiery redhead, and an articulate speaker. Her clothes are all ballgown-type dresses, with the one she's wearing showing off her non-existent cleavage. See? She doesn't even have big boobs, and I still like her! She must be special. We see more of her clothing in the bio video, and it's all wonderful.

String of losers. Some people walk into the room and aren't even allowed to hang up their clothes, but are dismissed immediately. Bet they're glad they filled out that twenty-page application, huh? People show up without portfolios. Without garments. Without basic knowledge of construction. These are the most loserly of the losers, because at least the people with ugly crap attempted to do something different.

The next potential is Alison. Michael thinks she's cute (which she is), and Tim thinks she's nice (which she seems to be), and she basically gets moved on for these criteria alone. OK, then. There's another choppy transition into catching up with Jay, who won Season 1. The judges weren't impressed with him at the audition stage, but he won Tim over, made some astounding dresses during the show, and took the whole shebang. Of the little I've seen of Jay in his cameos during Season 2 and interviews and such, I gather that he's a very talented designer, who will never achieve great success because he is a dickhead. Sorry. All the talent in the world won't help you if nobody can stand your self-entitled ass. He says he hasn't come out with any new clothing since winning because he's trying to figure out the business aspect of clothing design. That's a fair point, which makes me mad, because I want to yell at him some more. Damn.

Commercials. Yes, vacuuming can be so, so difficult. IF YOU'RE A MORON.

New York. 40 semi-finalists. First up for the last day of auditions is Angela Keslar. She lives in Ohio, and brags that she's designed dresses that are mistaken for ones designed by Yves St. Laurent. She tells the judges that she makes clothes and accessories like other women make babies, which cracks me up. Her portfolio features a patchwork jacket that Gnat rhapsodizes over. Next is Daniel Feld. He's failed at fashion before, due to lack of publicity. If I didn't like his work, here's where I'd insert the nasty barb about publicity not being the problem, but it's really pretty, so I'm left high and dry.

Oh, Christ. Malan Breton. Even his name is pretentious. Tim tells us that he's auditioned every season. In Season 1, he was rejected. In Season 2, he was accepted, but he then rejected the show. Huh? Now he's crawling back again. He's got greasy, slicked hair with an annoying spit curl in the front. He's really pale, almost to the point where he looks like a vampire. Gnat points out that he's not capable of talking normally, but out of the side of his mouth. I hadn't noticed that, and now I can't look at anything else. The judges realize that he's an arrogant, supercilious prick, so of course he's moved on. Sigh.

Final deliberations. Tim tells us that at this point, it's really about the clothes, not the individual. He says that he can be fond of someone (shot of Bonnie), or have a distaste for them (shot of Malan), but that he's looking at people's work. I love Tim. I think he's the most honest, forthcoming person on television. But that's bullshit. People with ugly clothes got in on personality, (both good and bad) as they always do, because that's how reality television works. I'd love to see a show without a villain, but I realize that most people wouldn't, so I don't begrudge them for stacking the deck with a couple of assholes. But please don't stand there and insult my intelligence by pretending that this isn't the case. More random deliberations. Tim tells us that the show is not Fashion Camp, and that the contestants will need to hit the ground running.

Commercials. I'm not saying that Philadelphia Jammin' Swirls doesn't sound good. It does. But I'm not going to buy a product called "Jammin' Swirls", because I'm not twelve.

So, here they are. The fifteen contestants for this season's Project Runway. Alison. Meh. Malan. Boo! Vincent. No chance in hell. Bradley. Yay! Jeffrey. Ugh. Keith. OK. Laura. YAAAAAAAAAY! Michael. Sweet! Uli. Excellent. Kayne. Eh. Bonnie. Blah. Angela. Good. Stacey. Whatever. Katharine. Aw. Robert. I'm telling you - seismic bitch attack. Nina's pleased with the range of the people they've chosen. Heidi's excited for the season. We wrap up with some advice from past contestants. Santino says to back away from the show now, like it's not the sole reason he's not homeless. Jay says you need to know who you are as a person and as a designer. Austin says to dress up (huh?) and to compliment Heidi (heh). Chloe advises against getting stressed and to always listen to Tim Gunn's criticisms. Austin says to be nice to judges, which is of course our transition into Santino desperately clinging to his fifteenth minute of fame. Kara Saun and Nick say to be respectful and deferential to the judges. Jay warns against being arrogant, which is another perfect opportunity to transition to Santino. Jay thinks that trying to play the other contestants is a waste of time; that playing the production is what got him the win. Hahahaha! It's funny cause it's true.

Next on Project Runway: The fifteen finalists are welcomed on a sunny rooftop, and Malan somehow avoids bursting into flame. There's a "shocking" first challenge. Malan thinks other people are "inappropriate". Jeffrey doesn't. Stacey can't work some machine or other. Vincent is crazy.

Well, that was kind of boring. You know how your favorite restaurant loses its charm when it becomes really popular? How it gets greedy and changes a bunch of stuff to try to appeal to the masses instead of being individualistically charming, which is why you liked it in the first place? I fear that that's going to happen with the surging popularity of this show. Still, I'm willing to be proven wrong. Bring it on.

Overall Grade: C

The Girl Who Lost In Her Timeslot

The Amazing Race, often billed as family entertainment, wasn't doing so well in the ratings in its Tuesday 10-11 PM slot. Gee, ya think? Also disappointing were the Wednesday prime time sitcoms, including one starring Jenna Elfman. Gee, ya think?

So, in its infinite wisdom, CBS moved the race to Wednesdays at 8-9 PM (Eastern). Guess what that puts it up against. Bad news, Tyra. Though America's Next Top Model has been known to be a damn entertaining show, this season just isn't up to snuff. I may catch the episodes in their rerun airing, but as far as What'ere, Jane Eyre goes, I'm sorry ANTM. You did not receive your photo.

Amazing Race 9 - Meet the Teams

The Amazing Race - Season 9

My history with The Amazing Race is a tumultuous one. I'll whine to anyone who will listen about the worrying downswing in its quality. Actually, here. I've already covered it. Just plunk on a big, fat F for Season 8. Still, it's hard to let go of a show that used to be so damn good. That's why I've decided to give The Amazing Race one last chance. You'd better wow me, Season 9, or you're kicked to the curb. The new teams have been announced, so let's not waste any time getting to know these people before we decide we love or hate them. I'm an American, damn it! Actually, I love to make pre-show judgments, then see if they pan out as I've predicted. Once in a while, there will be a team I expect to loathe that totally charms me (hey there, Lori and Bolo!), and once in a while, there's a team I thought was going to be my BFF, and turns out to be rancid (what up, Steve and Dave?). Let's take a look at our freshest batch of famewhores, shall we?

Lake and Michelle: One of the two prime candidates for assholes of the season. Let's look at the clues. "While he describes himself as energetic and motivated, Michelle notes that he's your typical Type A personality, very impatient and always looking for ways to do it better." Hoo boy. Translation: He uses the excuse of "motivation" to be a huge jerk to her and everyone around him, and she enables him. I am sick to death of people using the phrase Type A personality to describe someone who's an unapologetic ass. That's not what it means. "[Michelle] claims that she's much more laid back than her husband and hopes this won't cause friction between the two..." Yeah, well, hope springs eternal, Michelle. "While Lake and Michelle are both aware of their personality differences, they feel they work well together and hope their differences will actually help them as they travel the world on the Race." Yes, I find people who can't agree on anything make fantastic teammates.

-Retread of: (Wil/Tara x Colin/Christie) + Jonathan/Victoria divided by Frank/Margarita.
-Chances in the race: Pretty good. They won't finish below sixth place, and have a good chance to make it into the final three.

Danielle and Dani: Oh, dear God. Why not just call them Cannon and Fodder? They haven't traveled much, but call themselves fun-loving. They think "anything is possible with good looks and thick accents". They have the same name. They wear matching pink shirts. They are the race equivalent to a black guy in a horror movie that says "I'll be right back." By the way, nice dye jobs. Rebecca Weaver would be proud.

-Retread of: Megan/Heidi multiplied by Heather/Eve.
-Chances in the race: Probably the first ones out, but I'll be generous. No higher than ninth place.

BJ & Tyler: Hmm, we've never really had a hippie team before, unless you count Wil/Tara, which I don't. This team is a hard one to call. They may be overly laid back or they may be more than up to the tasks. They may be obnoxious twits who think they're hilarious, or they may be genuinely hilarious. They're into doofy things like frisbee, but they also speak foreign languages. While I don't know which road they're going to take, I do predict that they'll be anything but lukewarm. I'll love them or I'll detest them.

-Retread of: Kevin/Drew minus Gary/Dave.
-Chances in the race: Too soon to tell. If I had to hazard a guess, they appear about on par with Gus/Hera, so...anywhere from second to sixth place.

Ray and Yolanda: Our second candidate for assholes of the season. "While Ray is said to be the more disciplined of the two, both describe themselves as opinionated and stubborn." Translation: They'll pitch a big fit the second they fall behind even the slightest bit. "Yolanda & Ray enjoy working out together..." Wow, a match made in heaven. I know that I'll have found Mr. Right when the one common interest we share is leg presses.

-Retread of: Ray/Deana + Alison/Donny - Lenny/Karyn.
-Chances in the race: Couples who butt heads place all over the map. Colin/Christie did really well, while Cindy/Russell didn't. Let's see. People who mistakenly believe that being a gym rat is a huge advantage in this competition, and intelligence tinged with lack of self-awareness. Sixth place.

John and Scott: You'll note that the word "gay" is not to be seen once on their bio. And that's fine. If there's anything that bugs the piss out of me, it's when people are defined by their sexuality. But in John and Scott's case? They're defined by their sexuality. I mean, listing your dogs' names? Renovating a brownstone? Doing an AIDS ride? Having a motto straight out of Auntie Mame? I'm surprised neither one is named Gay Gayerson. That fear of flying won't do them any favors, and while I'm all for my people being represented on television, teams of gay men don't have a good track record on this show, personality-wise.

-Retread of: Bill/Joe - Lynn/Alex divided by Chip/Reichen.
-Chances in the race: Not bad. I'd put them anywhere from fourth to seventh.

David and Lori: Your salt of the earth team. I tend to enjoy that type of team. Good midwestern stock, their picture and bio makes them look like perfectly nice, normal people. Wonderful for real life; death knell for reality television. As far as personality goes, I'm getting the best vibe from them, so I may as well start preparing now for my heartache when they're eliminated.

-Retread of: Michael/Kathy + Dennis/Erika - Amanda/Chris
-Chances in the race: Probably around fourth place.

Eric and Jeremy: Your requisite muscly pretty boys that overstay their welcome. There's a 75% chance that they'll have minimal personality, and speak entirely in cliches. Still, they're straight, white, male, and young. Therefore? See "Chances in the race".

-Retread of: Rob/Brennan + Chris/Alex + David/Jeff.
-Chances in the race: At least top three, and possibly winners.

Fran and Barry: The token older couple. On the plus side, the token older couple tends to be fairly likable. Or if not likable, at least admirable. On the minus side, there's no point getting emotionally invested in them, because they never win. It doesn't matter how sedate or how active they are; the older team is purely there for scenery. You'll note I haven't touched on what I perceive Fran and Barry's strengths, weaknesses, or personalities to be, and that's because it doesn't matter in the slightest.

-Retread of: Don/Mary Jean + Bob/Joyce + David/Margaretta - Teri/Ian divided by Meredith/Gretchen.
-Chances in the race: No higher than fifth place.

Lisa and Joni: I often find familial relationships to be the most fascinating ones. After all, it's easy to break up with your boyfriend if he's a jerk on the race. It's not so easy to break up with your sister. Family teams also often have innate senses of communication and teamwork that I really enjoy, even if they bicker a lot. These two seem like nice people. They're both married with kids, and talk about things like enjoying art and being good with people. Plus, anyone who jokes(?) about wanting to get plastic surgery with their winnings is probably going to be good for a few laughs.

-Retread of: Lena/Kristy - Mary/Peach - Kami/Karli divided by Tramel/Talicia.
-Chances in the race: Sorry, ladies. Tenth place.

Joseph and Monica: Good ol' Southern folks. If there are any Jesus freaks on the race, it'll be these two. Joseph is sort of nerdily hot, but describes himself as "funny", which is always a red flag. Monica is gorgeous, and appears at first glance to be the most uninteresting person ever to run the race (still, that's what I thought about Hayden until I saw her in action, and immediately knew she'd blossom into a super-duper-megabitch). Since we're told so little about these two, it's tough to gauge their chances. Their blandness doesn't lend itself to successful predictions.

-Retread of: Brandon/Nicole + Paul/Amie - Ron/Kelly divided by Millie/Chuck.
-Chances in the race: If they can coast on the mistakes of other teams, they could get as high as third. If not, they'll make a quiet exit at around seventh.

Wanda and Desiree: No, really. Those are their names. While appearing to be relatively inoffensive people, they also appear to be those kind of people that run out of steam quickly. As I said, familial teams interest me, but not so much when their picture makes it look like they've been eliminated before the race has even begun.

-Retread of: Hilary/Deirdre x Jim/Marsha divided by Nancy/Emily.
-Chances in the race: Around ninth place.

Fly your nerd colors proudly!

Looks like there is no new episode of Project Runway this week, so I'll just tell you about my neato-completo acquisition.

I was surfing around the net, looking for more information about the show, and stumbled onto Diana's blog. She has some interesting insights into the show, and I noticed that she had some mini-buttons for purchase:

Well, I knew I had to throw in some support for my favorite contestant, so I bought one for myself and a couple to give away. There was a field for additional comments, and I wrote a little note about how I and some of my pals (I know Dallas is in Diana's cheering section as well) were rooting for her. Look what I got with my buttons:

Awesome! Looks like the next new episode won't be until January 4, so have a happy new year, all.

The Girl Who Stepped on the Pretty Flowers

America's Next Top Model - Season 5 Bonus Episode

Previously on America's Next Top Model: Actual new content. This week, we've been faked out and tricked into watching a clip show so that people can catch up. I'd complain that there aren't likely to be new viewers that need this additional information, but then, I started watching Cycle 4 when it was down to about six girls, so I guess I should shut my fat yap.

Rather than recapping things I've already written about, I think I'll just mostly touch on the new footage. [If something has already been gone over in an old episode, and I'm glossing it over, I'll put it in brackets like this.] Being anal-retentive rocks!

We open on some shots of Tyra. You know, Tyra's often way too impressed with herself, but I do have to say that she knows how to rock a photograph. We are briefly hurdled back in time to see Adrianne (who I like a lot less now these days than I did when she was on the show), Yoanna (who?), Eva (who deserved to win, but whose My Life As A CoverGirl spots really got on my last nerve), and Naima (yay!) win their various cycles. We also see some of the horrifically awful audition tapes that opened this cycle, only this time I can put some names with the faces. That girl I called out as a tramp-oline back in episode 1? Jayla. Shocking.

[36 women were cut down to thirteen. Remember Nicole begging on her knees to be chosen? Ew. She's come a long way. We also get to relive the heartache of Redheaded Regina, who I still wish would have been chosen. Really, she would have been more interesting than Coryn, for God's sake. Plus, I could have called her Redgina! Ah, what might have been.]

[A jerky-looking Robin Leach ushered the girls into the model pad. Not jerky in the "mean" sort of way. Jerky in the "beef" sort of way. Kim's gay.]

Cassandra flicks water from her toothbrush onto Kyle. Kyle's all like "What the hell?" Cassandra jokes that she likes to pick on Kyle because she's too cute, and brings up the titular line about how when she sees a really pretty flower, she just wants to step on it. This is a good example of the editors trying their damnedest to make Cassandra look like a bitch, and failing. Yeah, that comment's a bit...disturbing, in its way, but Cassandra is clearly kidding around, and she flicked, like, two drops of water onto Kyle. Kyle doesn't even seem to care that much, though Kim looks furious. Lighten up, Kim. [We also get that awesome line about how psychopaths can kill without emotion that has been, to date, the one time someone rendered Fugly Lisa speechless. Sweet.]

Ashley brags about her experience with fashion and such. She gives some pretty accurate predictions on what the girls will have for their makeovers, actually. Oh, except when she predicts what they'll do to her. Mwahahahaha! She babbles on and on about her hair. Nicole hates her guts, and this is still at the point where Nicole was no Mary Likable herself, so take from that what you will.

[The girls did that stupid, boring fashion show with Nate Dogg as the narrator, and Sarah tripped so much, you'd think she was on acid.] Why they didn't include what follows in the original episode is beyond me, because it would have made the fashion show infinitely more interesting. Apparently Jayla, who has known Kim for all of two days, walks up to her, pokes her in the stomach, and says something like "Girl, you need to suck in that stomach." She claims in an interview that she was kidding, but so what? Telling someone you just met that they're fat is acceptable if you're joking? Not so much. Kim is not amused. [But, of course, that was the night that Sarah sprang across the Monster Humvee and made out with her, so that probably cheered her up.]

Back at the house, a bird has invaded the model pad. Kyle opines that he's blind, because all he does is run into stuff. Nicole says that all birds are blind. Kyle gets a hilarious look on her face, like "this girl is a moron", but politely says "Are you sure?". Nicole rambles on and on that she knows birds are blind because they're always almost running into cars and stuff, but they can sense where they are through hearing or whatever. I'm glad Nicole's trying to break into modeling, because somehow I doubt she'd go far in the field of, say, biochemistry. Kyle gently tries to disabuse her of this notion by saying that she was sure that her pet bird could see. Nicole responds that maybe it's just the outside birds that are blind. The entire purpose of this scene? Nicole is kind of dumb. Heh.

[Superhero photo shoot.] Ebony and Nicole shit-talk Cassandra. Jayla shit-talks Diane. Now, this is an interesting situation, because in the former, I feel like the editors are trying to make us feel sorry for Ebony and Nicole in a "Isn't Cassandra annoying?" kind of way. In the latter, they're trying to make us feel sorry for Diane in a "Isn't Jayla a bitch?" kind of way. It's a subtle shift, but I still feel like it's there. Of course, I totally agree that Jayla's a bitch, but again, instead of seeing Cassandra engaging in annoying behavior, all we hear is second-hand opinion that someone thinks she's annoying. It makes me think that they're trying to portray Cassandra as way more obnoxious than she really is, and that's really unfair. [Ashley sucks at the photo shoot.] Back at the model pad, Jayla continues her mean streak. Even Nicole interviews that Jayla has no social graces. Ouch. That would be like Carrot Top calling someone annoying. Not only that, but Fugly Lisa tells Jayla that she says things faster than she thinks about it. I think the universe just imploded. Jayla does that "accept me for the stupid asshole that I am!" speech that didn't work when the Weavers gave it on The Amazing Race, and doesn't work now. The point isn't for other people to adapt to your bitchiness. The point is for you to stop being such a goddamn bitch. [Ashley was cut.]

Commercials. I've read some really interesting articles and had some fascinating conversations with people lately about Rent. We're supposed to identify and sympathize with this group of friends, who, in the final analysis, refuse to get jobs to pay their rent, because they're such sensitive artistes. Regular jobs are beneath them. As a musical, it's great (and hopefully the movie will be too), but if these were real life people? I'd probably snort at them in disgust.

Coryn has brought along a fart machine to the model pad. I guess that's why there was no room for the eyebrow tweezers. She wants to try and trick the girls into thinking she's really farting. It looks like the only one she suckers is Nicole. Shocker. The whole segment is really juvenile, but I have to admit I giggled through it. I'm not made of stone! [Time for the makeovers. Oh, dear. I don't think anyone has to see this again. It's all burned into our brains. Tyra brings up the fact that at one time, each girl was supposed to have their own personal style that they'd use throughout the competition. Man, am I glad they dropped that idea. Cassandra gets all her hair chopped off and looks terrible, while Kyle looks completely amazing. *sniff* I miss Kyle.] Jayla again tries to kid with Kim (this time about her makeover), and it again comes out as sounding completely bitchy. She whinily interviews that the other girls don't "get" her sense of humor. Well then maybe you ought to stop "joking". Besides, I thought Jayla didn't care what people thought of her. Wasn't that the point of the whole "people have to get used to the shit I say, because I'm not changing" speech? You can be a rude loner or you can whine about inability to cultivate friends, Jayla. Not both.

[Cassandra cries and cries about her hair. The other girls get fed up with her. Girl-of-the-country photo shoot. Ebony sucks.] Fugly Lisa tries to play with the horse and it bucks out of her grip. Heh. Back at the house, Jayla shows off her six-inch stiletto heels. Yowch. Reason #4,593,935 I'm glad I'm not female. She hilariously interviews that she doesn't have one set best friend in the house, that she "tries to be cool with everybody." Um, Jayla? Try harder. In this segment, Bre has her hair tied up in a bandana, and is trying to walk on Jayla's shoes, so it almost looks like Aunt Jemima is working the catwalk. Cripes. In the confessional, Nicole and Ebony make fun of Jayla. Man, Nicole and Ebony are vicious when they get together. Jayla then makes the following two statements consecutively: In an interview: "Towards the end of the night, I just want to go to bed; I want everyone to just leave me alone." In bed, talking to Nike, who's standing in the doorway: "I'm sick of having to, like, butt in on everybody's conversations. Nobody ever comes to me. No-one ever wants to talk to me." Wow, let's delve into this psychosis, shall we? 1) Look at those two statements together. Yeah. 2) Hmm, maybe people would come talk to her if she WEREN'T SUCH A RANCID ASS, which she was just bragging about. 3) Who's the one sympathetically nodding her head in the doorway? Who's the one listening to Jayla unload her problems? Nike. How does Jayla repay her? By stealing her secret, then referring to Nike as a stupid, stupid bitch. Wow, I hate Jayla. I'm seriously running out of ways to call her a bitch. I need an insult thesaurus. Let's watch another example of her twisted logic! The girls are doing stripper dances in the kitchen. Jayla complains in an interview that she's not in the mood to join in. Then she joins in by running around topless (though she was just saying she wanted people to leave her alone so she could go to bed). Then she interviews that she's so, so glad she did something funny that wasn't taken the wrong way. What color is the sky in Jayla's world? Do the trains run on time? [Ebony was cut.]

Commercials. Heh, there's an ad for a local community college, which makes me wonder if Nicole should fill out an application. But who knows? She might win this season. It's not out of the realm of possibility.

[Tyra joins the girls for dinner.] They're joined by an ugly drag queen. They do model walks. Tyra walks too. Kim is impressed. [The girls did their poolside walking challenge. Sarah sucks.] Nicole is exposed as a nail-biter. The bird is back in the model pad. Kyle is on the phone, explaining that they named him Mr. Bojangles. He flies around. The girls scream a lot. This part is really boring. Oh! Except that while the girls are shrieking, Jayla's in the confessional. She hears them screaming, and gives the camera a look like "please shoot me in the head right now." Hahahaha! That was hilarious, and was my first liking Jayla moment, ever. [Cassandra complains some more about her hair. The girls did the runway challenge where there was a rotating platform. Sue Wong uses the non-word "gracefulness", which I didn't notice until just now. Stop making up words, Sue Wong. English is in enough danger as it is. Sarah sucked some more. Sarah and Kim make out and possibly do it. Fashion witch photo shoot. Cassandra refused to cut her hair further and was cut (or quit).] Cassandra leaves the rest of the girls a note wishing them luck. The other girls are semi-sympathetic, but Kyle makes the valid point that she should have expected it, and that her spot in the competition could have gone to a girl that really wanted to be there. Like Redgina! Sorry, I just like typing that. Redgina! Jayla bitches that she had a much better attitude than Cassandra about the hair cutting, which is true, but then, Jayla's hair didn't look like molten puke when they were done, so she can go back to shutting up. Bre points out that the other girls don't really care about Cassandra's leaving, because they have selfish intentions. Ouch. [Sarah was cut.]

Commercials. When the ad for Derailed comes on, my good movie radar pings, but I may be getting a false positive from Clive Owen's hotness. Stupid good-looking actors always throw the radar out of whack. That's how I got tricked into watching Closer.

[Fugly Lisa got on everyone's nerves by giving unsolicited advice. Especially Coryn. The girls did their critiques of each other, which only fueled Coryn's hatred of Fugly Lisa.] Kim plays harmonica. All right, then. It's kind of dumb, except when she sneaks up on Bre and blows a note right behind her. And, when she uses the harmonica to punctuate making fun of Nigel. Hehehe. [Fake plastic surgery photo shoot with Janice. Diane was cut.] Kim jokes that she's the new plus-sized model of the group. Jeez. We'll use this as Exhibit A the next time Tyra tries to give the girls a PSA about eating disorders, because while I love this show, promoting healthy body image it does not.

[Firming-mask fake promotion with that obnoxious, unamusing "comedian". Fugly Lisa does dumb dance moves. Coryn makes a comment about it that the cameras inexplicably miss, but it sparks the Coryn/Fugly Lisa fight again, which leads to the priceless "You're basically presenting yourself like a moron." "And what are you doing, alcoholic bitch?" exchange. Fugly Lisa gets drunk and talks to plants.] The other girls sit out on the patio and discuss her drinking. Bre says that the worst thing you can do when you get stressed is to put a substance in your body that you become dependent on. She's smoking as she says this. I'll leave it at that. [Commercial/photo shoot/interview challenge. Jayla (maybe) steals Nike's secret and (definitely) becomes a super-duper mega bitch towards her afterwards.] Nicole and Fugly Lisa dress up in wacky outfits. The editing's wonky here, because there's a shot of Fugly Lisa not dressed up yet, but the point is to show Nicole suggesting that they invite Coryn to join them, but Fugly Lisa says that'll never happen. Then, we cut to Coryn writing out some notes on an index card. Someone asks what it is, and it's an apology for calling Fugly Lisa names earlier. Aw. Bre commends her, and while I'd prefer a face to face apology, that was nice of her. She leaves the note on Fugly Lisa's pillow. Fugly Lisa does forgive Coryn, and even gives her a smooch on the side of the head, that Bre tries to take a picture of. Aw again. So that's resolved. [Of course, Coryn was cut about three minutes later. Jayla spouts some more bullshit in the confessional about how mean Nike is for...not calling Jayla out for stealing her line. Yeah, I don't know.]

Commercials. I love me some Meryl Streep, but Prime looks terrible. Would someone else see it and tell me how it is? Thanks.

[Tyra does the black and white close-up shot.] Fugly Lisa feels cooped up in the model pad, so she goes completely wild. Scenes of her running around the house. Scenes of her acting up in the confessional. ['40s pinup girl photo shoot.] Pillow fight in the Monster Humvee. [Kyle was cut. Waaaaaah!!!!! Don't remind me.] Now six girls remain: Jayla, the "rebel Jehovah's witness". Huh, I guess "Jayla, the fucking asshole" would have been too incendiary for network TV. Nicole, "the baby-faced student". "Of ornithology" is notably left off the end. Nike, "the silent threat", which makes her sound like a fart. Kim, "the tomboy". Bre, "the strong-willed Harlem girl". And, of course, Fugly Lisa, "the life of the party". The coke party, maybe.

Next week on America's Next Top Model: See last week's "next week". It's official. Now that Kyle is gone, I'm rooting for Bre. That probably means she'll be eliminated next. Oh, and one more thing: Redgina!

Overall Grade: B-