Coming up...

Well, the phenomenal Season 12 of The Amazing Race has been put to bed, so my weary fingers will be taking a break from "What'ere, Jane Eyre" for a bit. Fear not, because there's always more crap coming down the pipeline. What's on tap?

America's Next Top Model - Season 10

Despite the wholly engaging Season 8, America's Next Top Model hasn't been pulling me in as it used to. Take a spin through the archives, and you'll see that I was only able to get through Season 1 and Season 8 in their entirety. Still, I'll be tuning in to see how the first few episodes go. I'm not sure if I'll have the time or desire to do full recaps for it, but assuming for the moment that it knocks all of our socks off, the fun begins on February 20.

Top Chef - Season 4

Now, this is much more likely to get the full recap treatment, as long as it doesn't suck as hard as Season 2. Hopefully, the grand fun and bitchery of last season's viewing parties will recommence, and we can all get fatter together as the food porn drives us to our refrigerators. So come on back March 12, and perhaps I'll even be able to get the premiere's long-version recap up before I get blitzed on St. Patrick's Day.

Questions? Comments? Stop by Thornfield, and feel free to e-mail me.

The Final Push

The Amazing Race - Season 12, Episode 11

Previously on The Amazing Race: Los Angeles. Ireland. The Netherlands. Burkina Faso. Lithuania. Croatia. Italy. India. Japan. Taiwan. There were uncooperative animals (yay!). There were uncooperative teammates (boo!). Eight teams fell by the wayside, including all of the annoying ones. Last to get axed were the obnoxious Bickersons, who went out without having won a single leg, and to add insult to injury, were punted on Jennifer's birthday. Oh, yeah. That episode was so good, it just had to be fattening. Now, three teams remain. Ronald and Christina have a truckload of family issues to work through, and though it seems unlikely that everything will be hearts and flowers forever, Ronald has learned that when he stops bitching at his daughter, the two of them race better. Their intelligence and language aptitude has given them the edge time and again. Nicolas and Donald had to contend with the problem of Donald's oldness. Though they seemed ripe for early elimination, Donald's vast experience with every vocation on Earth, combined with Nick's methodical thinking has gotten them into the final three. TK and Rachel miraculously maintained calm attitudes throughout the entire race, even when things weren't going well. Their zen-like demeanor helped them overcome setbacks and find shortcuts, often propelling them ahead of teams who panicked their way into last. Tonight, one of these three teams will win one million dollars. Who will win...The Amazing Race?

Last week, I focused on the fact that all three final teams are relatively nice people, and thus all "deserve" to win. What I didn't notice until now is that not only are they nice, but not a single one of them got into the final three by solely relying on big muscles, like so many have before. The gym-rats are no longer with us. The people who remain got here with intelligence. With language skills. With the ability to avoid emotional meltdowns. With kindness. I can't express just how refreshing it is to spend the last leg with these three teams, rather than some bland bartender/model whose nipple rings are the most interesting thing about him.

Opening credits. Ronald and Christina merrily hike through the forest, grateful that the theme song eliminates the need for conversation.

Oh, ew. Tonight is the first political ad of the season. I couldn't even vote for this Illinois judge if I wanted to, but this serves as a bitter reminder that my television and mailbox will soon overflow with tedious political rhetoric. Once that's dispensed with, we rejoin Phil in Taipei, Taiwan. Ronald and Christina are off the mat first at 9:47 AM. Rrrrrrrip! The clue tells them to fly to the final destination city: Anchorage, Alaska. Once they land, they'll make their way to an outdoor adventure store to pick up their next clue and a bag of supplies. Christina says that all the teams left are strong and smart, but that she and Ronald are stronger and smarter. Way to tempt Fate, Christina. TK and Rachel leave at 10:30 AM, and are super-excited about going to Anchorage. They remind us that keeping calm heads has kept them in the race, so that's the strategy for them.

Ronald and Christina arrive at the airport, and head for China Air. Meanwhile, Nick and Don are leaving the mat at 10:37 AM. Nick interviews that running the race has given him newfound respect for his grandfather. Donald raises his hand, all "That's me!" Hehe. Nick is sure Alaska holds a hunting or fishing challenge, and of course, Don has all sorts of experience with both. Ron and Christina buy tickets, and Ronald asks if there's any way they could get a free upgrade, so that they may use the airline's lounge. The agent agrees, which not only gets Ronald and Christina out of the other teams' view, but provides access to the internet, so they can look up directions to the adventure store. Wow, good thinking. TK and Rachel arrive, and piggyback on Ronald and Christina's flight. Nicolas and Donald also get these tickets, so everyone's tied again. TK/Rachel/Nick/Don fret over the fact that Ronald and Christina are nowhere to be seen, and set off in search of them. They never find them, as Ronald and Christina are hidden in the China Air lounge, writing down information about the adventure store. Eventually, the other teams give up, and settle at the gate. Ronald and Christina join them after a while.

Limecrete: "Heh. They look shifty."
LabRat: "Ancient Chinese secret!"

The flight takes off. Everyone wants to win the race, in case you thought the teams would arrive in Alaska and take a few hours off to sightsee. The flight lands, and everyone prepares to hustle out and grab taxis. TK tries to psych out Nick and Don by innocently asking who's going to be the fastest runner, but kids that he's seen Ron run like a ninja. Heh. Everyone dashes for cabs. TK and Rachel's driver dithers a moment over the name of the adventure store. Ronald and Christina's information pays off, and they arrive at the store first. They pick up their sack of supplies and their clue. Rrrrrrip! Now, the actual clue tells teams to find "Ship Creek Boat Launch". But you know how teams are. They're in a hurry, and read things off quickly. So it sounds for all the world like the teams will be frantically searching for "Shit Creek", to which I dearly hope they bring a paddle.

Ronald and Christina run out of the store, and their driver says he knows exactly where Shit Creek is. Ronald unwraps a big knife, guessing that they'll be filleting some fish, and hoping he doesn't cut himself. Holding the blade like that is not a good start. TK and Rachel arrive, grab their supplies and clue, and head for Shit Creek. Their driver claims to know where it is, but the film goes into slow-motion, so I'm guessing he doesn't. Nick and Don arrive, read their clue, and leave for Shit Creek. Notice what's missing there? Sadly, they've left their bag of supplies behind, sitting on the counter. Nick opines that they're only a couple of minutes behind. That abandoned bag begs to differ.

Shit Creek Boat Launch. Ronald and Christina arrive, and run up to the cluebox. Rrrrrrrip! Detour! Cut the Cod or Grab the Crab. Jeez, this is the dirtiest leg ever. And I don't mean dirty like the mud bog. Mud bog! In Cut the Cod, teams use their great big honkin' knife to cut through fifty-pound cod, looking for a small metal capsule containing the next clue. In Grab the Crab, teams board a boat with large wells of water containing more than 500 live crabs. They then sift through the crabs, looking for one marked with the red/yellow band. Pinching crabs hurt. I'd go for the cod; I've dissected all sorts of stuff. Ronald and Christina agree, and head for Cut the Cod. Like Christina, I didn't really comprehend "fifty-pound cod" until faced with them, but these suckers are way bigger than I expected. Ronald gets to sawing a fish's head off, saying that it's no easy task for a city slicker.

TK and Rachel pull up to an area that is definitely not Shit Creek Boat Launch. Nick and Don's driver is telling them that it's his job as a cabbie to know where stuff like that is. Tell it to TK and Rachel's driver. The one they had last week, too. Rachel asks some nearby fishermen if they know where the Shit Creek Boat Launch is, and they say it's about five minutes thataway. Back in the cab, TK puts his hand on his forehead, which is his version of losing his temper. Back at Cut the Cod, Ronald worries about having to sift through so many guts, but Christina runs across the clue, almost by accident. Most emphatic non-Rrrrrrrip! She reads off the clue quietly, in case other teams are lurking. They must now take a taxi sixty miles to a boat landing, then take a speedboat upriver to 20-Mile Glacier. Phil tells us that teams don't know they'll have to climb the face of the glacier before getting the next clue. He actually demonstrates the task, which is somewhat unusual for Phil. He sure didn't jump in with those crabs.

As Ronald and Christina leave, Nick and Don arrive, with TK and Rachel right behind them. Christina tells her driver that they can't let those other yellow cabs pass them at any point. Because there are only three yellow taxis in the entire state. Nick and Don reach the cluebox just ahead of TK and Rachel. When Nick reads off the Detour, and spots TK and Rachel with their bag, he realizes that they've left their stuff behind at the adventure store. An "Oh, fuckety fuck-fuck" expression settles on his face.

Commercials. Make sure you buy a dishwasher with a "pulverizing food disposer". You know, for those times you inadvertently leave an entire avocado on the rack.

In the cab back to the adventure store, Don admonishes Nick for misreading the clue. Nick brings up the whole hindsight-is-twenty-twenty chestnut, but Donald's not having it. "You read the clue, but you didn't understand it, so we're fucked. That's the way I see it." Ouch. TK and Rachel rip the Detour clue, and don't sound too enamored with slicing open giant cod, so they head for Grab the Crab. Ronald and Christina are happy to be in the lead, and Christina says they've come a long way since the first leg. Strange that their relationship has strengthened over the course of the race, because I have to admit, spending 30,000 miles with me in stress mode would probably lower your opinion of me in a hurry. TK and Rachel hop into one of the crab wells on the boat. They get pinched. A lot. TK says he's not sure if they've chosen the right Detour, but Rachel is too busy fending off crab advances to respond. Nick and Don get back to the adventure store, grab their bag of supplies, and run out. TK and Rachel are not making good progress, and TK suggests changing Detours. In their cab, Nick and Don agree that Don can make short work of gutting a fish, so that's the one they'll be heading for. Rachel hops into another crab well, and gets attacked. She's starting to hop on board the Let's Change Tasks wagon.

Nick and Don arrive back at the Detour. In one of those moments you couldn't plan if you tried, the last crab TK looks at before abandoning the task has the marked band on its claw. Who knows how the race would have turned out if this hadn't happened? TK and Rachel rip their next clue, and leave for the speedboat, just as Nicolas and Donald get started on their cod. TK says that it won't take Donald long, so they've got to hurry. Indeed, Don discovers the clue pretty quickly. They leave for the speedboat. Nick says that they're only a few minutes behind TK and Rachel, but Donald's still not thrilled with being third out of three right now. All three teams sit tensely in their cabs.

Ronald and Christina arrive at the river, and jump into their speedboat, which is thankfully driven by someone who knows what he's doing. They zoom up the river, taking in the picturesque scenery of Alaska. It really is beautiful. They enjoy the ride, and "WOO!" a lot. TK and Rachel's driver, who didn't know where the Shit Creek Boat Launch was, doesn't know where the speedboat one is, either. I'm sensing he's not taking home the Employee of the Year trophy. As he jabbers away on his phone, TK comes close to losing his temper for the first time in the entire race. He tells the driver that either they need to find a way there, or they need a new taxi. Rachel reminds him to stay calm, though she commiserates with the fact that they had more success communicating with taxi drivers in India. Heh. Nick and Don's driver isn't having any problems, boasting that he's number one. Still, TK and Rachel are next to the speedboats. Rachel wants to take the green one. Atta girl! They board, and Nick and Don arrive. As they enjoy their rides, we hear both teams voice-over about how great the experience of the race has been.

Ronald and Christina arrive at the glacier, and the clue/safety wrangler tells them they have to climb the face of the ice wall to get to the next clue. Ronald mentions something about a fear of heights, but a twenty-foot drop into water should be the least of his worries right about now. Besides, he didn't seem to have much trouble with heights when he was cycling across a ravine or zip-lining all over the place. Not that the climb looks easy, just not scary. The wrangler hands him his climbing picks, and he nervously gets started. Christina starts up a few feet behind him. The other teams approach. Ronald makes excellent progress up the glacier, but Christina cannot get herself over the first lip of the ice. It appears to be the most difficult part of the climb, and upper-body strength is key. She's still struggling down there when Ronald reaches the top. TK and Rachel arrive. Christina begins to freak out.

Commercials. A woman eats yogurt, and is transported to a swing covered with flowers, an orgasmic smile on her face.

LabRat: "I always feel like that when I eat yogurt, too."

Christina voices-over that what got her through the climb was knowing that her dad was waiting on top of the glacier. Nice try, but I'm thinking it's because TK and Rachel are right on her ass now. She finally makes it over the ice ridge, and the rest of the climb is quickly dispensed with. As TK gets started on the climb, Ron and Christina open the next clue. Rrrrrrrip! It tells them to take a helicopter to Merrill Field. From there, they'll take a taxi to Goose Lake Park, where the next clue awaits. Ronald and Christina head for one of the three nearby helicopters. TK skitters up the wall quickly, but Rachel is having problems in the exact same place Christina was. I'm telling you, it's their womanly lack of upper-body strength. Because you know my pecs and arms are practically chiseled out of marble. Ronald and Christina take off. Nicolas and Donald have arrived, and are suiting up in their safety gear. TK reaches the top of the wall. Rachel is over the ridge, and soon joins him. They're off to the copters.

Donald gets started on the climb. Once he's over the ridge, he progresses nicely. I dearly hope I can do this sort of stuff when I'm sixty-nine. Nicolas has trouble on the ridge, but in his case, it looks to be because he's so tall. TK and Rachel hope to catch up to Ronald and Christina. Well, it won't be on the helicopter ride, because Ronald and Christina have already landed, and are hopping a taxi to Goose Lake Park. Nick reaches the top of the glacier, and he and Don head for the helicopter. Donald says the Roadblock is their only hope of making up time now. TK and Rachel land, having thoroughly enjoyed their helicopter ride, and get a taxi. Ronald and Christina arrive at the park, and spot the cluebox. Rrrrrrip! Roadblock! "Who wants to relive your experience on the race?" Ah, so as usual, the final Roadblock is a mental task, which I'm all for. And this one is a doozy. As Phil explains, there are fifteen recognizable items from previous legs of the race awaiting nearby. There's also a small stage area. The Roadblocker must place ten items on the stage, one from each of the previous legs. But that's not all! There are requirements:

1) Only one item from each leg can be placed on the stage. No doubling up.
2) Three of the items must be animals or animal by-products (the cleaning man, the donkey, the chicken, the camel's milk, etc.)
3) One of the items must be a U-Turn.
4) Two must be items either brought to a pitstop or awaiting the teams there (the chicken, the gun, etc.)
5) Two must be items of transportation with wheels.
6) Of the two transportation items, one of them must have been used at a Detour.
7) One must be another transportation item, this one resembling the shape of a stick (the stilts, the ditch-vaulting pole, etc.)

Phil explains that there are several items that belong to more than one category, but there's only one correct answer. So this is like one of those logic problems on the Analytical Thinking portion of the GRE. Once the Roadblocker arranges the items correctly, a box will pop open, revealing the next clue. Now, let me preface what I'm about to say by admitting that working this problem out by sitting down to think at a desk in a quiet room would be infinitely easier than in an open field, with cameras in your face, in a race for a million dollars, with your competitors breathing down your neck. That out of the way... I would fucking OWN this task. Of all the tasks in twelve seasons of the race, this is the one that was practically designed for me. I love logic puzzles. That Analytical Thinking part of the GRE? Perfect score. I would take this Roadblock so fast, it'd make my partner's head spin. I do have to say, upon hearing the challenge's parameters, I wish for a split second that the Bickersons were still around, just so I could watch how gloriously they'd screw it up. The feeling passes. Christina takes the Roadblock.

She runs off to one of the three staging areas. Ronald tells the cameraman he hopes she can get it done quickly. Duh. She reads off her parameters, giving us the additional information that Roadblockers may not use writing utensils or paper to work out the answer. Ouch. The audience is let in on the correct grouping of items:

1) Ireland - The tandem bicycle.
2) The Netherlands - The bicycle at the Hunt It Detour.
3) Burkina Faso, Part 1 - The camel's milk.
4) Burkina Faso, Part 2 - The chicken.
5) Lithuania - The stilts.
6) Croatia - The gun.
7) Italy - The BlackBerry.
8) India - The U-Turn.
9) Japan - The cleaning man.
10) Taiwan - The teacup.

Christina gets started, beginning with the easiest item - the U-Turn. She knows it could apply to the India leg as well as to Burkina Faso - Part 2. She then grabs the chicken, working out that since it's certainly one of the items brought to the pitstop, India will be represented by the U-Turn. I live for this shit. The lagging teams vroom along. Christina takes a very literal view of the word "transportation", and she's reluctant to use either the stilts or the ditch-vaulting pole. TK and Rachel arrive. Rachel takes the Roadblock. She goes through the same motions as Christina, placing the U-Turn, then the chicken. I should mention that the stages don't face each other, so no worry that anyone's cheating. TK and Ronald have a friendly chat about how it's really coming down to the wire. Christina has placed the donkey (bzzt), the bicycle (ding!), the chicken (ding!), the camel's milk (ding!), and the U-Turn (ding!). Rachel has placed several items, and I can't quite make out what all of them are, but she lugs the stilts over (ding!).

Nicolas and Donald arrive, and Nick takes the Roadblock. So now, all three Roadblockers plug away, while their partners chat and fret. Christina works out the stilts (ding!). Rachel works out the gun (ding!). Nick has a bunch of stuff on his stage, and I can see, along with several correct items, the cart with the propane tanks (bzzt). Christina works out the teacup (ding!) and the cleaning man (ding!). She claims to be finished, but the cluebox doesn't open, because she's got Ireland wrong. It's not terribly clear, but I think the problem is that she's got the donkey and the tandem bike representing Ireland, and the propane cart representing the second wheeled transportation method (Rule #5). But with the U-Turn, that gives both Ireland and India two items, which violates Rule #1. Rachel checks over her items. She's also tripped up on the donkey, and in addition, has incorrectly placed the propane cart and the bouquet of flowers. Again, the editing's a bit confusing, but I think she's got the flowers and the cleaning man, which doubles up on Japan items.

Nicolas isn't doing well, having incorrectly placed items for Ireland, the Netherlands, and Croatia, and briefly misidentifies the BlackBerry as belonging to the Lithuania leg. Christina realizes that she's got both the donkey and the tandem bike, and fixes the Ireland screwup. She fails to identify the cleaning man as an animal, so she doesn't want to get rid of the donkey. Whuh, oh. Rachel and Nick ask their cleaning men to get on stage. Christina realizes her cleaning man belongs, which gives her too many animals, but doesn't know how to fix it. Rachel doesn't recognize the ditch-vaulting stick. Nick doesn't recognize the gun. Christina rearranges some items, but unfortunately, she's in worse shape now than she was on her first attempt. Her voice wavers. She's confused and frustrated. Rachel and Nick are also flustered. The partners stand by and worry.

Commercials. With all the free internet porn that's available, I really don't see a reason to go see a movie that's basically an excuse for Matthew McBlahblahblah to show off his chest for two hours.

Ronald shows remarkable patience (for him), saying that although Christina was first to the Roadblock, everyone's having problems, so the puzzle must be difficult to solve. Christina is starting to lose her composure, which is understandable, but which is the last thing you want to have happen when working out a problem like this. Rachel, on the other hand, takes a deep breath, and remains calm. As she works out one of her issues, her cleaning man pretends to dust something. Heh. Christina prays to God for help. Her donkey has taken a crap on the stage. Rachel realizes that she's got two Netherlands items, and quickly replaces the ditch-vaulting pole with the tandem bike. That does it, and her cluebox pops open. We get a shot of the other five people's faces, and you can imagine the expression on each one. TK gleefully shouts to Rachel to open the clue. Rrrrrrrip! It tells them to travel by taxi to "Cook's eye view of the Sleeping Lady". Phil explains that this is a statue of Captain Cook, where the next clue awaits. TK and Rachel's taxi driver knows where the Sleeping Lady is, though we never hear what it is.

Christina finishes the Roadblock. She gets her clue, and runs back to Ronald, almost crying as she apologizes. He tells her that she did a good job. Aw. Their taxi driver knows where he's going, and they take off. Christina tells him it'd be swell if he could pass TK and Rachel. Speaking of whom, their driver is now second-guessing himself, and has to turn around. Dun dun duuuuun! Both cabs drive along, and a team arrives at the statue, which stands in Resolution Park. Hahahahaha! Nice job, editors. It's TK and Rachel, who grab the next clue. Rrrrrrrip! It tells them to travel on foot to find the Salmon Hooker, and before you go all pervy on me, it's a statue of a fish which looks as if someone has attacked it with a BeDazzler. TK and Rachel get directions, as Ronald and Christina arrive and rip their clue. Both teams find out that the statue resides at the corner of 5th and G. TK and Rachel are first to the cluebox. Rrrrrrip! It tells them to take a taxi to Girdwood Airport, and run to the finish line. Ron and Christina get their clue. Both teams grab taxis. It sounds like Ronald and Christina use a rape whistle to flag theirs down. Christina asks her ZZ-Top-lookin' driver to go as fast as possible. I'd opt for offering him a thousand bucks if he gets me to the finish line first.

Both teams prepare for the final sprint. Ronald says that if they don't win, they'll be disappointed, but that he's become a better person over the course of the race. Heartening, but I'd still like to peek in on them in six months. Tense music plays. A cab approaches the airport, which is just a barren strip of land, though it has a nice mountain view in the background. Funny that this has been the best season in a long time, and yet the starting and finish lines were some of the least inspired ever. Phil stands at the final mat. The eliminated teams stand by and cheer. And who is it, running for the finish? Well, TK and Rachel, of course. They dash up to the mat, and are declared the winners of the race. Rachel jumps into TK's arms. The other teams clap. Lorena is still amazingly pretty. TK says it doesn't even feel real. Phil asks about their relationship. Smash cuts to Kynt and the Bickersons. Hehehe. TK says that their relationship has grown throughout the race. They're proud of each other, and kiss happily.

Ronald and Christina run for the finish line. They immediately congratulate TK and Rachel, which was nice. Christina says of Ronald that there's nobody else in the entire world she would have rather run the race with. Smash cut to the IBs. Ha! The mean editors are on fire! Ronald says that he didn't come up with first place, but he came up with first place in his daughter's heart. Aw, that's so daddily corny. The two of them hug and cry, and Ronald sort of steps on the moment when he says that he can finally say "I love you" and mean it. I know, he probably means that he's learning to express an emotion he previously thought embarrassing, but it still came off as somewhat assy. They're both happy for forging a deeper meaning to their relationship.

Later. Nicolas and Donald run up to the mat. Phil welcomes them, and tells Donald he's the oldest person ever to have completed the race. Woo! Phil asks him if he ever thought he'd make it so far. "Yeah, but not in third," Donald kids. Heh. Hendekea cracks up. Phil asks Nick if he's accomplished everything he wanted to, aside from winning. Nick says that aside from winning, his main goal was to finish the race, and enjoy the world with his grandfather, so he's gotten everything he wanted and more. Seriously, it's easy to forget, what with the million dollars on the line, but these folks got to experience nine foreign countries for free. That's a pretty awesome prize right there. The other teams crowd the mat and join in a cheer of "Grandpa! Grandpa! Grandpa!" Donald wipes a tear from his eye, and says that he's happiest that he finished every leg. Rachel loves TK. TK loves Rachel. They managed to not only finish, but win the entire race without a single meltdown. The teams applaud. Vyxsin looks pissed off. Christina grins. We leave on a freeze-frame of the happy winners.

As I've said so many times in the past, the quality of Amazing Race seasons is almost entirely dependent on the teams that remain in the final four or so. The tasks and destinations are almost (though certainly not entirely) irrelevant. I don't look back on Season 6 with much fondness, because the final four teams were Freddy & Kendra (bleh), Adam & Rebecca (bleh), Hayden & Aaron (BOOOOO!), and Kris & Jon (YAAAAAY!). If the final four had been Kris & Jon (YAAAAAY!), Lori & Bolo (Yay!), Don & MJ (Yay!), and Gus & Hera (Yay!), while this one had the Bickersons, Ari & Staella, the IBs, and Lorena & Jason, we'd be looking at very different experiences. Fortunately for us, any team not worth our support was quickly dispatched, except for the Bickersons, who weren't even that bad, compared to some past disasters. They went out at exactly the right time; they remained long enough to inject some drama into the season, but were axed before we had to start bracing ourselves for them to win. The locations this season were wonderful. The tasks were well-designed. The final three were a joy to root for. This season is going to be hard to match. I don't envy the next crop of contestants. They'll have to work hard to win me over as much as this crew did.

Overall Grade: B
Overall Season Grade: A+

Sorry, Guys, I'm Not Happy To See You

The Amazing Race - Season 12, Episode 10

Previously on The Amazing Race: Four teams left Mumbai for Osaka, Japan. Ron was his usual tetchy self at the beginning of the leg, while TK got screwed over by a ticket agent. Donald was tired. The Bickersons were bitchy. Christina and Ronald rose to first place, while TK and Rachel's poor flights shuffled them to the back. The way back. I think I finished this leg before TK and Rachel. However, the groovy couple was spared by the last non-elimination point, and now have a Speed Bump to contend with. Four teams still remain. Who will be eliminated next?

Opening credits. Most people look progressively worse as the race goes on, but TK has never looked more tragic than in these introductory shots. Seriously, how cute would he be if he got a decent haircut?

Osaka, Japan. Phil tells us that it is a "gateway city". Hey, us too! Rock on, Osaka. Phil wonders who will make it past this leg to become the three teams that will race to the finish. Only one way to find out. Ronald and Christina are off the mat first at 7:02 AM. Rrrrrrrip! The clue tells them to travel by taxi to "the building with a hole in it", then find "The Floating Garden". Phil explains that the building is the Umeda Sky Building, and the garden, a rooftop observatory. Ronald and Christina grab a taxi, and Christina interviews about how proud she is of the progress Ron's made in not yelling his head off every fifteen minutes. The Bickersons leave the mat at 7:15 AM. As they get a cab, we learn that today is Jennifer's birthday. Aw, happy birthday! I know what you should wish for. The Bickersons know how important this leg is, and they vow not to be all Mr. Nice Guy, because they've been the epitome of grace and gentility up until now. Nicolas and Donald leave the mat at 7:21 AM. They know to go straight to the Umeda Sky Building, so I'm not sure if the clue was as vague as Phil pictured it. Donald says he's doing all he can to keep up with the race's frantic pace.

Everyone arrives at the Umeda Sky Building, and they discover a sign that says it opens at 10:00 AM. So, instead of leaving the country as they usually do at the beginning of legs, there's one more Osaka task that juuuuuuuuust so happens to hold up the lead teams for a few hours. How convenient! They should have just gone ahead and written Bullshit Task That Allows TK and Rachel To Make Up Some Time, Because Otherwise, This Leg Would Be Really Boring on the clue. 10:00 AM rolls around, and the three lead teams dash for the elevators. Those elevators must move pretty quickly, because there's an outbreak of "WOOO!" amongst the teams. Although there's some jockeying for position on the escalator to the roof, and some sniping from Nathan about how Jennifer needs to wait for him, everyone pretty much gets the clue at the same time. Rrrrrrrip! It tells them to fly to Taipei, Taiwan. When they land, they'll get a cab to Taipei Main Station, where the next cluebox awaits. I don't think the ride up and down the building took eighteen minutes, but here are TK and Rachel, leaving the mat at 10:18 AM. They're set to throw themselves into this leg, Speed Bump and all.

The three lead teams grab taxis to the airport. Nicolas says that they've been playing the game like "bitches" so far, but so has everyone else, so they need to be aggressive in this leg to beat all the "pansies" that are left. I'm trying to decide if that's really insulting or really true. It certainly has been a more civil race than in seasons past, but I think that's a good thing. I'm not entertained by team spats, so I was happy to just watch everyone race their best, without taking a lot of time out to get into big fights about who was in line first, or who's following who, or whatever. TK and Rachel do not get off to a good start, as they wander in the shrubbery around the Umeda Sky Building. Ronald and Christina fret about elimination, but Christina comforts herself with the thought that they're a smarter team than the Bickersons or Nicolas and Donald. I don't know about Nick and Don, but the editors are only too happy to provide evidence for the former. "I know absolutely nothing about Taiwan except... We think Thai food's pretty good," Nathan says. And, point to Christina.

LabRat: "That was really racist."
Limecrete: "No, it wasn't. You have to understand the races before you can be racist."

TK and Rachel spot the sign for the Floating Garden Observatory, and go into the building. They see the operating hours sign, and now know that the other teams aren't nearly as far ahead as they were before. Rachel wants to stay on the ground floor, saying that a "garden" would naturally be down. Yes, but what about the "floating", Rachel? What direction does that suggest? TK talks her into getting on the elevator. Ronald and Christina haul ass into the airport, and spot a flight departing for Taipei at 1:00 PM. TK and Rachel are more tense in their elevator ride than they've been at any other point. The three lead teams all hit different ticket counters at the airport, and Christina begs the agent to be allowed onto the 1:00 PM flight. The Bickersons ask for it too, and an agent says that she's going to check availability. Nicolas and Donald are at an Air Japan counter, and learn of a 1:35 PM flight. They seem happy enough to just beat TK and Rachel to Taiwan. Which probably won't be too difficult, as the two of them are walking right by the cluebox, too busy getting snippy with each other (for the first time ever) to spot it.

The agent helping Ronald and Christina tells them that they're confirmed on the flight. That settled, Christina gets shifty, and asks an agent to tell the other teams that the flight is full. I'm not a fan of this tactic, and the reasons why are well-documented, but given the outcome of this leg, I'm going to give Christina a pass on this one. Now, I don't know if the flight really is full, and the agent just kind of agreed to Christina's request because she knew it wouldn't make a difference, or if Christina is really so charming as to persuade an airline agent into lying and ignoring her job duties to help her out. In any event, she tells the Bickersons that they will not be joining Ronald and Christina on the 1:00 PM flight. The Bickersons smell a rat, but Christina plays dumb. The Bickersons respond to this as they respond to everything, and get into a pointless fight. Christina gives the camera an evil smile. Jennifer crabs that she can't believe that Nathan's treating her so badly on her birthday. I guess she has carte blanche to be a bitch today.

TK and Rachel have done a full lap, and have now discovered the cluebox. Rachel correctly figures that they were so busy freaking out that they missed it. I'm glad there's a team that can learn that lesson. Now, they just need to write it on a postcard and mail it to the Bickersons. They leave for the airport, grateful for the small favor that they didn't go back down to the ground level to search there. Nicolas and Donald discover a slightly earlier flight that leaves at 1:15 PM, and book tickets. This is also the one that the Bickersons get dumped onto. So Ronald and Christina have wormed their way out in front, and Christina tells the camera that she's not afraid to play dirty, and to just let her father stand back and be the innocent party. Ronald's happy with that, too. Heh. They take off, and the Bickersons/Nick/Don leave fifteen minutes later. At 2:51 PM, Ronald and Christina arrive. The second flight gets in at 3:05 PM. The Bickersons head for a money exchange counter, while Nicolas and Donald run for Customs. The line there is so long, that TK and Rachel catch up, and happily join the other teams. Rachel does a spazzy little cheerleader kick that is totally hilarious. The other teams' reactions are pretty predictable. Nicolas and Donald are like "Hey", while the Bickersons consider it a personal affront.

Commercials. It was a cute idea for a commercial and everything, but please stop asking me to admire people who lose their shit because they can't get a particular kind of fast food burger. Those people are called losers.

Ronald and Christina arrive at the train station, leap from their cab, and run like merry hell for the cluebox. These two are not messing around this week. Rrrrrrrip! The clue tells them to take a high-speed rail to the city of Taichung, then a taxi to the town of Jiji. The next clue awaits at a place called Acrobatics Jeep. The lagging teams arrive, and grab cabs. Rachel points out to her cameraman that it's not like they're personally insulting Jennifer by racing as hard as they can. Jennifer spends the cab ride indulging in a hate fantasy about ripping TK's hair out. She and Nathan may fight all the time, but they are two obnoxious peas in a pod. Although I can sort of get behind the whole let's-get-rid-of-TK's-hair suggestion. Ronald and Christina buy rail tickets, and Christina has the presence of mind to ask for a timetable she can take with her. Get used to this ruthless efficiency at every step. Ronald and Christina show no signs of waning. They board the high-speed rail, which looks like grand fun.

The rest of the teams start arriving at the station to get their clues. TK and Rachel arrive after the Bickersons, but purchase their tickets from the vending machine, rather than waiting in line. Nicolas and Donald are a bit behind, but manage to make it onto the train with the others. Ronald and Christina arrive in Taichung and get a taxi. The rest of the teams arrive. Jennifer goes a few steps in the wrong direction, so TK and Rachel are first to the cabs. Nicolas and Donald are a few steps behind, so we can finally savor the Bickersons' "Currently in Last Place" caption for a few moments. I have to say, of all of Jennifer's whining, the type I enjoy least (oh yeah, she does it so often, we're into subclasses of whining) is the addition of -UH to the end of her complaint. "Come on, Naaaaate-UH!". Bleh. Ronald and Christina arrive at Acrobatics Jeep, and rip the next clue. Rrrrrrrip! Roadblock! "Who's ready to go for a tricky ride?" Phil explains that in this Roadblock, the chosen team member must be a passenger in a Jeep, whose driver will drive it onto a tilting platform, then roll it back and forth. Then, they'll get into another car that will be driven underwater for about seventeen seconds. Once they're done with both rides, the task is complete. Easy-peasy. Essentially, the task is "Sit still, then don't drown".

Ronald takes the Roadblock. Even though the task itself is easy, it still appears to be a fairly blood-chilling ride. To be in a car that rolls back and forth several feet off the ground has got to get the old heart pumping. Ronald says "Whoa!" a hundred million times. The other teams are riding. Now, it's Nick's turn to fantasize about getting rid of TK's hair. In this case, it's his beard. We're all agreed. Haircut for TK! Ronald finishes his tilting ride, and heads for the underwater one. Christina reminds him to hold his breath. Heh, I'm pretty sure he'd be able to figure that one out, but thanks for the advice. The underwater ride looks pretty nifty; I think I'd want to do this task. Ronald makes it out without dying, and gets the next clue. Rrrrrrrip! Teams must now take a high-speed rail back to Taipei, then find the GK Teahouse. Once there, they'll drink a cup of tea, which has the next clue printed in Chinese at the bottom. Christina and Ronald grab a cab to the station, and Christina consults her handy timetable, knowing that there's a train at 7:16 PM. The driver doesn't think they'll be able to make that one, but they'll certainly make the one after it.

TK and Rachel arrive at the Roadblock, where Rachel takes it on. She also reads off the fact that the Jeep ride is first-come, first-served, so when other teams arrive, they'll have to wait for her to finish. That gives TK and Rachel some much-needed padding. The Bickersons are next to the Roadblock, where Nathan takes it. Nicolas and Donald are only a few steps behind, and Donald takes it. Rachel cackles through her tilt-o-ride. As she gets started on her underwater ride, Nathan may start the tilt-o-ride. TK and Jennifer actually bond for a moment over how cool the ride looks. When Rachel finishes her underwater ride, she comes across the Speed Bump. So now is the time that she and TK have to complete their extra task. Luckily, it's a quick one. They'll make their way just over a mile to a field, where they'll take part in a traditional Chinese ritual. They'll put on safety suits, and run through a gauntlet of fireworks that are being fired right at them. Then they'll get buckets of water thrown onto them. OK, that's quite a ritual, Taiwan. When they're done, they may go back and rejoin the race. They get a cab.

Nathan starts his underwater ride, so Donald starts the tilt-o-ride. His face remains completely impassive during the tilts, although he does mutter about how he hopes the fucking brakes are working, and how it's fucking crazy. Hehe. Nathan finishes the underwater ride, so the Bickersons head back to the rail station. Donald starts the underwater ride, and makes it across with no apparent death. Yay! To the railway station! Speaking of which, Ronald and Christina are just arriving there, and run, run, run. They make the 7:16 PM train with about three minutes to spare. TK and Rachel run through the fireworks extravaganza, which TK compares to running through a war zone. As they get doused with the buckets of water, the Bickersons arrive at the railway station. TK and Rachel head back to Acrobatics Jeep, talking about how "bitchin'" the Speed Bump was. Although the Bickersons have made it in plenty of time to run for the 7:36 PM train, the computer system disagrees, having already stopped allowing the sale of those tickets. Oh, snap! That was a close one. So the Bickersons, along with the just-arriving Nicolas and Donald, are stuck on the 8:00 PM train. TK and Rachel come back to the Roadblock, and get their teahouse clue. In the cab, TK guesses that they didn't lose too much time on the Speed Bump, while Jennifer tells Nick and Don she's praying TK and Rachel don't catch the 8:00 train. Nick and Don don't appear to give a crap.

Commercials. Have the guys at the Pepto Bismol marketing department gone completely out of their minds?

TK and Rachel arrive at the railway station, and head straight for the ticket vending machines. They have no problem scoring 8:00 tickets, so they're all caught up. Whee! TK is thrilled to see "Nick's big head" coming around the corner. Heh. Rachel does some more cheerleader dance moves. Nicolas tells Donald he just got WOOOO-ed by TK and Rachel. Once on the train, he passes along the info to the Bickersons. "Oh my gooooooooooosh-UH!" Jennifer bleats. Arrrrgh! Shut up! She settles back into her seat, pissed as all hell. Ronald and Christina arrive in Taipei, and get a cab to the teahouse. TK and Rachel are wowed that they've been through an extra task, and still managed to catch up. Not to pop their balloon, because I'm happy they're still in it, but that task? Not too difficult. Jennifer's odd sense of morality peeks back up to say "I just don't understand why we're working so hard. TK and Rachel just slack off, and they caught up to us."

I don't even know where to begin deconstructing that quote. With the fact that the Bickersons wouldn't have to work so hard if they made more intelligent decisions? With the demonstrably false accusation that TK and Rachel somehow floated into the final four without any effort? I think the thing that bothers me most is the "why we're working so hard" bit. If she had said "I just don't understand how TK and Rachel keep catching up, because we've been working so hard," she'd still be wrong, but at least it'd be phrased in terms of the completely understandable frustration with the inability to shake a team off your tail. But that "why" (as in "why bother") reinforces the fact that Jennifer doesn't just want to win. She feels entitled to win. She thinks that because she and Nate run around screaming and approaching each task in complete hysterics, she's worked harder than TK and Rachel, and thus, they should have the civility to politely stand aside and let her win. It's a lot to ascribe to a casually bitchy remark, but I bet I'm right. Nicolas gleefully rubs salt in her wound by asking if she's going to go say hello to them, and blow them a couple of kisses. Heh. He and Don go to talk to TK and Rachel, and gossip about how Jennifer's taking other teams' racing as a personal insult. TK nails it when he says that "people" (read: Jennifer) think that he and Rachel don't care that much about the race, simply because they don't scream in each other's faces every fifteen seconds. The four of them bond over how much the Bickersons suck.

Ronald and Christina arrive at the teahouse. They blow on their hot cups of tea (which is a very odd shade of red) to cool it down. The second train arrives in Taipei. Jennifer says that the next part of the leg will be the most intense section of the entire race. No kidding. The lagging teams get off the train, and bolt for taxis. Nicolas and Donald keep away from the others, while Jennifer prevents her driver from talking to TK and Rachel's. Everyone's feeling the pressure. The Bickersons really, really don't want to get eliminated on Jennifer's birthday. Ronald and Christina finish their tea, and Christina reads out the clue in Chinese. For those of us unfortunate enough not to understand, Phil explains that the clue directs teams to walk to the nearby Gong Guan night market, where a scary-ass clown will hand over the next clue. I don't think "scary-ass" was actually written in the cup, but it should have been.

Ronald and Christina get a little direction from nearby locals. The lagging teams ride and fret. Ronald and Christina arrive at the market, which looks really neat, and spot the juggling clown on his unicycle. Bozo hands over the next clue. Rrrrrrrip! Detour! Fire or Earth. In Fire, teams find their way to Zhongzheng Park (and thanks for not giving me a caption on that, jerkwads) to take part in a "mystical Chinese ritual". First, they write messages of luck, whether it be good or bad, on paper lanterns. Then, they burn paper "spirit money" underneath the lanterns to fill them with enough hot air to get them to float into the sky. Once a team gets twenty lanterns up, they'll receive their next clue. In Earth, teams make their way to a marked area of the Youth Park. Then, they must walk down and back a 220-foot path of jagged stones on bare feet. When both team members finish, they'll get the next clue. Wait, that's all there is to Earth? I suppose it would hurt a bit, but compared to twenty lanterns, this is a no-brainer. Ronald and Christina read my mind, and say that while Earth is gonna hurt, it will certainly be faster. Christina asks a cab driver (in Chinese) if he knows where the Youth Park is, and he does. They're off.

Nicolas and Donald are at the teahouse, and not enjoying their brew. Nick advises Donald to drink it as fast as he can. TK and Rachel's driver is puttering around a bit. The Bickersons are yelling at theirs. As with last week's disgust that Japanese people speak Japanese, it's unpleasant, but doesn't even scratch the surface of the Ugly Americanism previous teams have shown. I think my dislike for the Bickersons is pretty well-established by now, and I wouldn't sign them up to be U.N. Goodwill Ambassadors anytime soon, but they've generally been pretty nice to the world's citizens. Well, except each other. TK and Rachel arrive at the restaurant, just as Nick and Don are running out. Nicolas finds someone to translate the cup, and he gives them the heads-up on the night market and tells them to "search a happy clown". Ha! Forget the Osaka taxi-driving Roadblock. Searching a happy clown sounds far more terrifying. TK and Rachel ascertain that they may take their cups with them, so they leave the teahouse, and drink their tea outside. Jennifer spots them finishing as the Bickersons run in. TK and Rachel get directions to the night market. The Bickersons finish their tea, and find a nice lady willing to walk them to the market.

Ronald and Christina arrive at the Youth Park. Locals play chimes and drums as they get started. They don't seem to have much issue with the stones. Ronald seems to be almost enjoying them. Christina, on the other hand, interviews that it felt like her feet were being eaten by piranhas. They shuffle along. The lagging teams converge on the market, and search for the clown. Ronald and Christina finish the Detour, and get the clue that sends them to this week's pitstop, the Chiang Kai-Shek Memorial Hall Plaza, a monument to the late president. It's purty. Last team here will watch their dream of a million-dollar prize go up in smoke. Ronald and Christina get a taxi, knowing that they've run a flawless leg, and talking happily about how they're a real team now.

LabRat: "That's easy to say when you're in a country where you speak the language."

Nicolas and Donald find the clown. "Are you the happy guy?" Donald asks. Hehe. They get their Detour clue, and choose Earth. They make themselves scarce so the other teams won't see them, and go to get a cab. Next to the clown is TK and Rachel, who also choose Earth. And finally, the Bickersons find Bozo, and make the Detour choice unanimous by selecting Earth. They really didn't make Fire sound the least bit appealing. While Nick/Don/TK/Rachel search for cabs, a local woman tells the Bickersons they'll have to take the subway to Youth Park, because traffic's too bad for cabs. Hang on, I have to go write Awesome Local Woman a personal check with "XIE XIE!" written in the memo line. The other teams find cabs. Nathan flat-out asks Jennifer if she's sure she doesn't want to ask a cab about getting to Youth Park. "NO, TRAFFIC'S BAD! IT'LL TAKE TOO LONG!" she snaps. Oh, happy birthday from us all. When you're a long-time fan of this show, you pick up a few things, and one of those things is that even when locals decry bad traffic and suggest a train (bus, etc.), taxis are faster about 90% of the time. And naturally, here go Nick/Don/TK/Rachel, having no traffic problems at all. The Bickersons find out that they'll have to take a train to Ximen Station, where they can catch a bus to the Youth Park. This should be setting off all sorts of alarms in their heads, but only Nathan hears the clanging. He once again suggests asking if a cab would be faster, and Jennifer insists on hopping the train.

Teams ride in their various forms of transport. The Bickersons arrive at Ximen, and run up to the street, where Nathan says for the third time that a cab would certainly be faster than a bus. For once, Jennifer seems to waffle, and if Nathan had stuck to his guns, who knows how this leg would have turned out? But he also waffles, so they pick now -- NOW -- to get into another one of their trademark ridiculous fights. I'm so done with it at this point, that the only detail I'll go into is that Jennifer says "I'm not freaking out-UH!" Gaaaaaaah! They shout us into the commercials.

Commercials. Ah, blessed ads. No Bickerson sniping for at least two minutes. It's like a little vacation.

As they board their bus, Nathan sadly tells Jennifer that she's a poor teammate. She invokes the Birthday Rule; only she is allowed to be mean right now. They hate each other some more. Not hating each other is Ronald and Christina, who arrive at the pitstop, and start running up to the mat. Christina tells Ron she loves him, and we hear his first "I love you, too" of the race. Awwwwww! They hit the mat as team number one. Welcome to the finals! They get some more good news, as they finally win a pitstop prize worth winning: a trip to Curacao. Christina says she's never been so proud to be Ronald's daughter. The greeter is really pretty, by the way. TK and Rachel arrive at Earth, and see that Nicolas and Donald have already gotten started. Everyone is too worried about elimination to care much about the pain, though TK advises Rachel that the faster she moves, the less it'll hurt. The Bickersons arrive at Youth Park, but haven't spotted the area with the Detour. TK and Rachel finish walking the path, and get their pitstop clue. The Bickersons spot the Detour. Nicolas and Donald finish. TK snags a cab, to Donald's dismay. The Bickersons are tearing through the Detour. TK's driver doesn't know where the pitstop is. How can you drive a cab, and not know where your city's giant memorial landmark is?

The Bickersons reach the halfway point. TK and Rachel get a cab. TK says that he doesn't want to see Nick and Don eliminated, but it is, after all, a competition. The Bickersons finish the Detour. Aaaaaaah! Nicolas and Donald finally get a cab. The Bickersons get a cab. AAAAAAAH! All three teams are freaking out. Jennifer mumbles "I don't want to get eliminated" over and over, like a mantra. TK and Rachel arrive at the pitstop, and run up to the mat as team number two. Yay! Welcome to the finals! Rachel takes the opportunity to score a point off the Bickersons by saying that she and TK have been trying their hardest all day, and they didn't get to this point by just being lucky. So now it's a race to be the final surviving team. Nick and Don ride. The Bickersons ride. A team approaches. AAAAAAAH! It... Is... Nick and Don! YAAAAY! Welcome to the finals! Donald interviews that their initial goal was just not to be the first team out, and now they've accomplished their ultimate goal to make the final three. Woo! The Bickersons approach the mat. Phil tells them they're the last team to arrive, and that they are eliminated.

Limecrete: "Happy birthday, snatch."

They say it sucks big time, that they did the best they could, that they've learned a lot about each other, and blah blah blah. Honestly, I was too busy doing only the third Race Dance since this show's inception to pay much attention. They take a few moments to rue concentrating on the race instead of their relationship. Nathan cries, and gives us a final "Darn it!" They hug, and Nathan lifts Jennifer into his arms. I fail to reach for the Kleenex. We're thankfully spared the traditional "Ooooh, we're gonna win!" pissing match from the remaining teams.

Wow, what an episode. This is a historical moment. It's not just that we're finally rid of the annoying Bickersons, although that is certainly a reason to celebrate. We're looking at some firsts, here. Go back to the beginning and take a look at the eleven teams. Are these the three you thought were going to be the ones left standing at the end? I'm shocked. In the best way. As mentioned in the comments, this is not the first time an oldster has made the finals, but it's still a rarity, and they've never won. A family (parent/child, grandparent/child, sibling) team has never won, unless you count the abominable all-family season, which nobody does. And this is literally the first time that I truly don't mind any of the final three teams winning. In all of the previous eleven seasons, at least one of the final three teams was an unsatisfactory possibility for the win. Sometimes they were vanquished. Sometimes they weren't. But they were there, threatening to bring the race to a disappointing conclusion. I always thought "I don't care who wins at this point" was a depressing attitude, but in this case, it's a sentiment of relief. The first guaranteed happy ending. Now there's a present I'm thrilled to unwrap. Thanks, Bickersons.

Next week on The Amazing Race: The race to the finish line! TK and Rachel get pinched by crabs. The seafood kind, you pervs. Donald takes Nicolas to task for misinterpreting a clue. Ronald hopes Christina isn't about to fall off of an ice wall. Speedboats! Running! Knives! Awesome old men! Someone wins a nice chunk of change.

Overall Grade: A+

I Just Hope He Doesn't Croak On Us

The Amazing Race - Season 12, Episode 9

Previously on The Amazing Race: Five teams headed for the crowded streets of Mumbai, India. Mumbai sure doesn't strike one as a coastal town at first blush, does it? TK and Rachel stayed true to their "Whatever, man" strategy, which kept them in the lead. The Bickersons kept up their World Tour of Whining, and Ronald reverted to troublesome old patterns, which caused the teams' placements to suffer, as usual. Kynt made a "huge miscalculation" at the U-Turn, then went ahead and compounded the Pinkies' problems by screwing up the Roadblock. Those two big mistakes were enough to cement their last-place finish, and the "dating Goths" were punted back to Kentucky. Who? Oh, the Pinkies. I was confused by the "dating" and the "Goths". Four teams remain. Who will be eliminated next?

Opening credits. There's nothing interesting to say about Marianna and Julia's intro clip. Just as there was nothing interesting to say about them during the race.

Mumbai, India. We get a series of cultural cliches that are awesome nonetheless: Elephant! Wild head-bobbing dance! Man in colorful turban playing large horn! Yoga! Snake charming! Phil tells us that Mumbai is one of the most densely-populated cities in the world, and based on the following shots, he sure isn't exaggerating. Ick. I have a wild urge to go watch "Elbow Room" on the Schoolhouse Rock DVD. Er, not that I own that. Aaaaaaanyway, Phil greets us from the unfortunately graffiti-encrusted Bandra Fort. After his Opening Blather, TK and Rachel leave the mat at 1:25 PM. So this must be one of those non-twelve-hour pitstops, because there is no way they arrived at 1:25 AM. Rrrrrrrip! The clue tells them to fly to Osaka, Japan, which is almost 4,000 miles away. Once in Osaka, they'll make their way to the Kishiwada Castle, then search the grounds for the next clue. Rachel interviews that she generally has self-confidence issues, but those all go away when she's with TK. Aw, that's sweet. They track down a travel desk, and ask the agent for the "fastest possible way" to Osaka.

Nicolas and Donald are off the mat at 1:33 PM. Often, teams that arrive at the mat far apart are edited to make it look like a close call, but I can't recall ever seeing the reverse before now. These two were really close to the lead. There's some more talk about how Donald tends to be on the slow side, and how Nick is hard to keep up with, and it's nothing you haven't been hearing since the season started. They head for the airport. Donald says he's been wanting to go to Japan for fifty years. Ronald and Christina leave the mat at 1:44 PM, and agree to find a travel agency. Christina is pumped to go to Japan, because she studied the language there for six months. Impressive. They hop in a taxi. Ronald regrets his explosive temper, and again, nothing we haven't been intimately acquainted with for two months. I always get like this around the final four. It's been a great season, but I'm ready to wrap this shit up, yo.

Nicolas and Donald arrive at the airport, and Ronald and Christina dart across traffic into a travel agency. Far from asking for the "fastest possible way" there, Christina intelligently asks about the earliest possible arrival. Big difference. She also makes sure the agent is looking at more than one airline. Progress! The Bickersons are last to depart at 2:38 PM. Man, they sucked at that India leg. More blah blah blah about how they're going to work on not fighting. I, for one, am thoroughly convinced they mean it this time. And did you know that "gullible" isn't in the dictionary? They're already hoping for the first-place finish that continues to elude them. Nathan indulges in a fantasy wherein he trips up a team in front of them so that the Bickersons can beat them to the mat. Pretty telling that sabotaging another team is the only way he can think to come in first. Even Fantasy Nathan can't win a leg through competence.

TK is still wrangling for tickets, and now he's asking for the ones that will get them into Osaka the earliest. Eesh. I was all set to pin their upcoming flight on a semantic issue, but nope. He clearly asked for the tickets in the proper way, and clarifies it more than once. Nicolas buys tickets. TK buys tickets. His agent says that "this is the earliest which is available". TK takes him at his word. Rachel fans herself happily. Ronald and Christina buy tickets. The Bickersons arrive at the airport, and buy tickets. Ronald needles Christina about the difference between "direct" and "non-stop" flights. She tells him to leave her alone in Chinese. TK and Rachel arrive at the airport, and check in. Ronald and Christina are arriving as well, but the taxi driver drops them off a good distance from the entrance they need to be at. Ronald goes into one of those bitching spirals, and once again, it's so heartening to see his pledge to keep that temper under control lasted all of an hour or so. He's actually crabbing about having to walk an extra half-block, when he's about to rest his feet for a 4,000-mile journey. Christina warns him that if he wastes his energy on something this unimportant, it's going to hurt their game. He interviews that it's not easy to change how he acts during the intensity of the race. I'm sure that's true, and yet? Stop complaining about stupid things, ya old fart.

Everyone except TK and Rachel meets in the check-in line. TK and Rachel are already departing, but lest you think they're blowing everyone else away, the map shows us that they are getting to Osaka by connecting through New Delhi and Beijing. Everyone else is on a flight that stops in Hong Kong, and I'm thinking chances are better that stopping once is more advantageous than stopping twice. TK and Rachel arrive in New Delhi, and sit around for their next flight. They have no idea where everyone else is. Warning bells go off in their heads.

Commercials. Did you know "everyone's" talking about the latest Pizza Hut creation? No, really! If that hasn't been the dominant buzz around your office's water cooler lately, you guys are just hopelessly out of the loop.

TK and Rachel have jumped through a wormhole during the commercial break, because they've already landed in Beijing, and are boarding their flight to Osaka. They have no idea if they're way out in front or dead last. I'll give them a hint. It's not the one they want. The other teams land in Osaka at 2:30 PM. Everyone hurries through the airport. Nicolas carries Donald's bag, and Donald interviews that "Nicolas is like a bitch for me. It's perfect." Hahahaha! The Bickersons are first to a cab, and rudely snap "Fast, fast, fast!" at the driver. Jennifer says that's it about time they start "kicking these old teams' asses". I love that she's pumping herself up by trying to convince herself that at long last, this is the week that she, the underdog, will finally come from behind to triumph over...two old men and some laid-back hippies. Woo, Bickerson Power! Ronald and Christina grab a taxi, and Christina manages some broken Japanese to convey to the driver how much of a hurry they're in, making sure to end with an "Arigato". Don't worry, the "Mr. Roboto" comes later.

LabRat (in an approving tone): "I think the least you can do for this race is learn how to say 'please' and 'thank you' in a bunch of languages".

Nicolas and Donald get a taxi. Donald says that Japan is a clean and wonderful country. Total burn on India! Jennifer says that Japan is beautiful, open, and spacious. Another total burn on India! Ronald wonders what has become of TK and Rachel, saying that his gut feeling is that they're behind everyone else. The hernia speaks the truth. Nicolas wonders if they found their way to Osaka, India. Donald says that "anything's possible on the race." "So cliche," Nicolas responds. Hehehe. The Bickersons get to Kishiwada Castle, and take a moment to appreciate its beauty as they run in and begin searching for the cluebox. They have a little initial trouble, but have spotted it by the time Ronald and Christina arrive. They grab a clue. Rrrrrrrip! Teams must now travel by taxi to Noda Station (a train station) and find the cleaning man, who will hand over the next clue. The Bickersons run off in fairly high spirits, given that it's them. Ronald and Christina walk into the museum at the castle, while Nicolas and Donald are speculating that Christina probably knows some Japanese, since she went to a "falutin'" college. Heh, these two are on fire tonight. Although searching the museum itself was a mistake, the balcony does give Ronald and Christina the vantage point to spot the cluebox. They rush down towards it.

Nicolas and Donald arrive. Ronald and Christina reach the clue, and leave for Noda Station. Nicolas and Donald climb some stairs, which is another opportunity to hear about how Donald can't keep up as quick a pace as his lanky grandson. They also venture out onto the museum's balcony, and spot the cluebox. They run down, grab the clue, and hop back into their cab. Donald's a bit winded, which the show tries to play up as dramatically as it can. Not much suspense to work with this week. On the way to the station, the Bickersons remark that there are very few signs with English words on them, and Ronald points out how many one-way streets there seem to be. "I'm never driving in Japan," Christina says. A gong sound begs to differ. The Bickersons arrive at the station, and easily find the cleaning man, who hands over the next clue. Rrrrrrrip! Roadblock! "Who's the backseat driver?" The Bickersons look at each other with gritted teeth, knowing what's ahead.

Jennifer takes it on. Phil explains that in this Roadblock, the chosen team member must become an Osaka taxi driver. He or she will put on a hat and a pair of gloves, then drive a Japanese couple five miles. The streets are confusing and often one-way, and the Roadblocker may not pick up a local for help, or even get instruction from the couple in the backseat. Once the couple is dropped off, they will hand over the next clue, but the Roadblocker may not open it until they have driven back to Noda Station to meet their partner. I would be absolutely dreadful at this Roadblock. It terrifies me. Jennifer seems more amenable to it as she jogs outside to collect her hat and gloves. Ronald and Christina reach the station. Jennifer searches for a mirror inside her car so she can catch a glimpse of herself in her taxi driver getup. The Japanese woman in the backseat gives her a "Whatever, crazy lady" head tilt. Ronald and Christina find the cleaning man, and decide that Christina should do the Roadblock, based on her language skills. They're flummoxed when they read the task information, agreeing that Christina isn't one to excel at driving tasks. She asks Ronald to pray for her as she runs outside to pick up her hat and gloves.

The couples hand over their destination. Naturally, the Japanese characters don't mean much to Jennifer, but Christina can read that she's headed for the post office. Jennifer sticks out her tongue as she thinks, just like the kids in Peanuts did. I'd call her Peppermint Catty if it weren't too late. Although Christina knows where she's going, operating the car gives her some trouble. Jennifer leaps out to ask someone to translate her paper. Her couple looks at each other dismissively. Hey, you signed up for this, folks. I'd never let someone who couldn't decipher the English alphabet drive me around town. Jennifer takes a while to find someone who speaks English, but finally finds a nice lady who tells her what she's looking for, and where to go. Jennifer kindly apologizes to her couple when she gets back to the car. Christina accidentally turns on the radio, and her couple dances in their seats a bit. Hehe. She says it's ridiculous for her to be doing this task, as she doesn't even have a car in America; she takes public transportation. Good for her! Both ladies get going, but they have problems figuring out how to get to the post office.

Nicolas and Donald arrive at Noda Station, and find the cleaning man. Nicolas takes the Roadblock, and the cap barely fits on his noggin. He gets the destination from his couple, and wanders off to find someone to translate it. Jennifer gets a bit lost, and that's enough for all those "Woo! Pretty castle! Funny clothing!" good vibes to get flushed right down the toilet. It's back to the whining, now. Christina asks for directions in Japanese. She's still having car issues, and gets honked at as she tries to pull into a lane. I've got to say, no matter how much I'm required to make fun of these people for flubbing tasks, anyone who gets through this with a modicum of sanity gets a round of applause from me. The "Turning Japanese" knockoff music is back with us as Nicolas gets started on his drive. He says he's a little used to driving on the right, after his experience in Ireland, and smilingly turns on the air conditioner for the couple in the back. In a small, but awesome scene, Ronald and Donald share a snack as they wait for their teammates to get back. God knows why that was so adorable.

A police officer points out the post office to Jennifer. Christina sees it, too, but wonders how to get to it. A very pretty lady points it out to Nicolas. So everyone's got a bead on the post office, now. Well, everyone who's here. Feel like we're missing someone? The confusing streets are giving everyone a headache, but Christina wisely decides to follow a mail truck. Jennifer is the first one to the marked dropoff point. She jumps in excitement as she lets her couple out. Once they hand over her clue, she gets going again, and tries to find her way back to the station. Christina is next to drop off her couple. Nicolas is to the halfway point, as well. Jennifer has made her way back to the station, but doesn't see a way to get the car across the street to where she needs to drop it off. Christina has the same problem. I guess the people who designed these streets were in charge of the St. Louis airport, as well. I swear, there's no more frustrating place to drive. Nicolas is still driving. Jennifer manages to make it, surprised that she's in first place. She and Nathan are now free to open the next clue. Rrrrrrrip! Teams must now travel by taxi to Kita-Mido Temple, a sixteenth-century Buddhist temple.

The Bickersons get going, and Jennifer crabs to Nathan that nobody around Osaka speaks English. There are several ways to good-naturedly complain that you cannot make yourself understood, but I really wanted to smack her for the put-upon tone she said that in. It'd be like someone being angry with you for not knowing Polish...in the middle of Boise, Idaho. It's not the worst example of a racer being unspeakably rude to a native for having the audacity to speak their own language in their own country (those would be Chip and Hayden's ears burning right about now), but it's still mighty distasteful. The Bickersons settle back to count their chickens about how they're going to come in first place today. Christina makes it back to the station. As they hustle out of the station, Christina explains to Ronald how difficult the task was, and how they need to find a "real taxi". Heh. She manages "Please...fastest" for the driver. Nicolas is lost, saying that landing a plane is easier than driving around the streets of Osaka. Donald frets. Nicolas finds himself stuck in an intersection, with a hundred cars honking at him. Pure hell.

Commercials. Shut up, Jeff Probst.

Nicolas gets some directions, and tries to get his bearings. Meanwhile, guess who's landing at the Osaka airport? Yes, it's TK and Rachel, finally arriving. They get a taxi to Kishiwada Castle, and although they remain non-committal about their placement, they appear to at least suspect that they're not in good shape. Nicolas gets more directions. Jennifer is trying to describe the Roadblock to Nathan, who's not paying attention to her. He makes the mistake of saying so, excusing himself on the grounds that he's paying attention to where the taxi driver is going. Jennifer is not pleased. Ronald and Christina have their own issue. Their taxi driver is making hideous wheezing noises, and they worry that he's in the middle of a heart attack. He really doesn't sound good. Ronald gives us the titular quote, but the taxi driver seems content to keep on driving.

The Bickersons arrive at Kita-Mido Temple. They rush up the stairs to the cluebox. Rrrrrrrip! Detour! Sense of Touch or Sense of Smell. In Sense of Touch, teams make their way on foot to an office building. Once there, the teams play robotic soccer. The robots are controlled by cell phones, and once each team member has scored a goal against the defenders, the team will get the next clue. Phil warns that accurately controlling the robots could get very frustrating. This is over a hilarious slow-motion shot of a robot falling to its back. In Sense of Smell, teams make their way to an artificial flower shop. The flowers are artificial, that is. Not the shop. Although that would be funny. Anyhow, once inside, teams sniff around to find a real flower hidden amongst the thousands of imposters. They're only allowed to use their noses, so no touchy-touchy! When they find the real flower, the shop owner with the green, bowl haircut will hand over the next clue.

The Bickersons decide to ask around, and just head to whichever Detour option is closest. As they consult a nearby local, Ronald and Christina arrive, and grab a clue. Both teams head for Sense of Smell, Jennifer saying she has the nose of a bloodhound. I hope that's not how she was able to find out Nathan was cheating on her. Nicolas finally makes it back to Noda Station. Donald tells him they're about ten minutes behind now. Oh, that's not too bad. They open the clue, then head for Kita-Mido Temple. Jennifer almost gets run over by a bicyclist, but the Bickersons reach the flower shop first. They're floored by how many blooms are in the shop. Yeah, this isn't the corner florist, with a couple of neatly arranged coolers. This is thousands of assorted flowers, crammed everywhere. They start sniffing. Nicolas and Donald reach the temple, and select Sense of Touch. Good, I was hoping someone would. Ronald and Christina reach the flower shop, much to the Bickersons' frustration. Donald hands over his pack to Nicolas again, interviewing that he doesn't want to let Nick down. Nicolas says he'd let himself down if he didn't assist his grandfather. Aw.

They arrive at the robot soccer fields, and set about learning how to control their players. Donald's worried. He says that he doesn't play video games, and grunts "son of a bitch" as his robots flail. Jennifer has her first charming interview of the whole damn race, as she says that sniffing so much made her light-headed, and the wall of colorful flowers made her feel like she was in a Pink Floyd video. Hehe. Ronald and Christina sniff. Ronald interviews that he's trying to be more encouraging this leg, but I'm not going to waste much time congratulating him on treating his daughter with respect. Nicolas picks up the hang of his robot, but on the first kick, it trips over the ball and falls down. He bounces back quickly, though, and soon, he's scored his goal. Now, it's up to Donald. TK and Rachel are still in the cab. The teams at the flower shop keep sniffing. It's not a bad task by any means, but I still can't pretend that watching four people bent over with flared nostrils is that exciting, no matter how many blaring horns they put on the soundtrack. Donald has trouble with his robot. The Bickersons track down their real flower, and quietly celebrate, so as not to tip off Ron and Christina. Greenie hands over the next clue.

Rrrrrrrip! It's time to travel by taxi to the next pitstop, Tempozan Park. It features a nifty Ferris wheel, and the last team here...may be eliminated. The Bickersons haul ass, the elusive first-place finish still on their minds. Ronald and Christina find a flower. They try to be quiet, not realizing they're the only ones in the shop. The Bickersons can't find an English-speaking driver who knows where the park is. Greenie hands Ronald and Christina their clue. Christina asks a driver in Japanese about the park, and they're soon on their way. Nathan and Jennifer unsuccessfully try to hail another cab. "Damn it!" Jennifer says. Ooh, she said "damn"! The Bickersons never curse!

Commercials. The Statue of Liberty takes another disaster movie beating. Poor gal can't catch a break.

The Bickersons find someone who can explain to a taxi driver what they want. They thank him, but the happiness is short-lived when Jennifer complains that Nathan pushed her into the cab, which he denies. Oh, shut the fuck up, both of you. Christina is pleased that Ronald has yet to lose his temper in this leg, which is 1) sad and 2) not true, although she may just be counting the times he loses his temper with her. Nathan is telling Jennifer he didn't push her, just guided her in with his hand. There's a black and white flashback to support him on this, but I have I mentioned that they both need to shut the fuck up? They do. Donald picks up the trick of the robots, and triumphantly makes his goal. They're off to the pitstop. Donald admiringly says he doesn't think he could have done this race with another partner. Ronald and Christina's driver has to pull over for directions. The lead teams approach the pitstop. Phil waits, along with a greeter wearing waaaaaay too much makeup. I mean, it'd be okay if she were a geisha (which would have been cool), but this lady looks like she's about to go onstage in a production called The Matador and the Drag Queen.

But enough of that, because who's running up to the mat? It's Ronald and Christina, whose language skills just gave them the edge over the Bickersons, who, to my knowledge, have yet to utter a single foreign word. Phil gives them a terrific look, like, "No fucking way!". He tells them that they're team number one, and they whoop in joy. They win electric vehicles. Zzzzz. I mean, yay for the environment, but I'd still want a trip somewhere. Poor Ronald and Christina keep winning lame things. Christina again praises her father for keeping his temper in this leg, and he hopes that they can keep on being a cohesive team. The Bickersons arrive as team number two. First place hates them as much as the rest of us do. In their end-of-leg interview, Jennifer says they keep falling behind because they're bickering. Shout-out! Nathan says that "the best team is going to finish last". Scratching Needle of Oh No, You Di'int. Jennifer looks at him and says "finish last?", and he corrects himself to "finish first on the last leg". Oh, Nathan. Good thing you're pretty. Nicolas and Donald arrive as team number three. The sun has set by now, and the Ferris wheel is bathed in green light. Eerie. Donald says he's still in it, despite being forty-five years older than everyone else on the race. The greeter cocks her eyebrow in an "OK, old man" expression.

Montage of TK and Rachel as they go through all of the leg's tasks in under a minute. We hear standard elimination talk: They're glad for the experience, they're not upset, they love each other, and so on. Rachel does the Roadblock, and they choose Sense of Smell for their Detour. In the taxi to the pitstop, TK laughs that she easily stuck her hand into a bushel of roses that all looked identical, and yanked out the real one. They giggle. Once at the pitstop, Phil duhs that they are the last team to arrive. But good news! This is the last non-elimination point of the race. They're three hours behind everyone else, and will have to contend with the Speed Bump next week, but I'm glad to see a likable team spared. TK promises that they'll do their best to catch up. Here's hoping you can, King Granola. I'd kind of like to see what you two do with a million bucks.

Next week on The Amazing Race: Nathan stops shaving. Ick. Jennifer hates TK. Nicolas says the other teams are pansies. Christina asks an agent to ignore other teams' requests. Ooh, the gloves are coming off!

Overall Grade: B-

Honestly, They Have Witch Powers Or Something

The Amazing Race - Season 12, Episode 8

Previously on The Amazing Race: Five teams set out from Dubrovnik, Croatia, and swarmed all over the scenic vistas of Tuscany. TK and Rachel made up the time they lost from having to go back for their clue...then promptly lost it all again at the Roadblock. Nicolas and Donald apprehensively headed for the Fast Forward, then reluctantly got the tattoos that vaulted them to first place. The Pinkies got lost a lot, freaked out, fought, and came in last place, but were spared by the appearance of the first of two unexpected non-elimination legs. Though now stuck with an extra task to perform, they live to pink another day. Five teams still remain. Who will be eliminated next?

Opening credits. The IBs haughtily strut down Rodeo Drive. No fenceposts to count there!

Florence, Italy. We get to see a little more of the beautiful Boboli Gardens than we did last week. The twelve-hour rest period flies by, and Nicolas and Donald are all smiles as they leave the mat at 10:12 PM. Rrrrrrrip! The clue tells them to fly to Mumbai, India (that's Bombay for you old-timers), where they will make their way by auto-rickshaw to a newspaper stand. After buying a copy of the Times of India, they will search through the paper to find their next clue. Nicolas and Donald head out, Nicolas interviewing about the challenges of traveling with a seventy-year-old. They manage to track down an open shop with internet access, and start researching flights to India. They find one that arrives in Mumbai at 10:35 PM, call Air France to reserve their tickets, and check into a hotel to get some much-needed sleep. The Bickersons leave the mat at 11:55 PM. They're embarrassed and disgusted by letting their emotions take over, as they usually are when they're calm enough to see it. They pledge once again not to get all unstoppably crazy and horrible. Sure, why wouldn't they be able to keep cool heads, just because they've been unable to do so anytime they're not in the lead? Well, I suppose eighth time is a charm.

Ronald and Christina are off at 1:06 AM, so the Bickersons really tore through the back half of the leg last week. Ronald talks about the Italian Renaissance, and once again about his own Renaissance (bad puns are drilled into every father, by law). He wants to be a new man that will make his daughter proud. And as with the Bickersons -- Heard it before. Not buying. They go to the same hotel as Nicolas and Donald, make the same phone call, and reserve the same tickets. TK and Rachel leave the mat at 2:11 AM. TK says they've been racing to stay out of last place lately, and Rachel says that they'll be sticking to their Keep Mellow strategy, even if it does feel like there's something "hovering over" them. The Pinkies leave last, at 3:23 AM. So that blown tire of TK's essentially meant nothing. It was still exciting. Vyxsin interviews that she feels like she's waking up from a bad dream, because it's so unlike her and Kynt to fight like they did last week. Black and white flashback for the people with brain injuries in the audience. Kynt describes the upcoming Speed Bump, in which he and Vyxsin will have to do a task nobody else does.

The Bickersons arrive at the airport, which is still closed. The entire airport. Ronald/Christina, TK/Rachel, and the Pinkies soon join them there. At 4:30 AM, the airport opens, and Nathan immediately starts snapping at Jennifer. Glad to see the promise to keep your tempers under control lasted almost five entire hours. Once in the airport, everyone gets to wait again, because the ticket counter doesn't open until 5:30 AM. A well-rested Nicolas and Donald head for the airport, while Ronald and Christina split to get their reserved tickets. Vyxsin suggests waiting at the Lufthansa counter instead of the line they're currently at the back of. This somehow spurs discussions of "screwing people over" and "trust". They're asking about separate airline tickets, not selling nuclear secrets to North Korea. The Lufthansa agent offers the Pinkies tickets that get them into Mumbai at 1:00 AM, so they decide to go back to Air France. Nicolas and Donald arrive, and line up with Ronald and Christina. Jennifer wonders why she and Nathan don't ever try and get advance tickets. Good question. The ticket window opens, and the Bickersons get the flight that puts them into Mumbai at 10:35 PM. That fills the flight, so TK and Rachel are out of luck, and go to scramble for tickets like the Pinkies.

The Air France flight takes off. The agent helping the Pinkies sees a flight that connects through Amsterdam, and gets them into Mumbai at 10:50 PM. That's the best they can do right now, and they take it. TK and Rachel's agent doesn't see it, and talks them into taking the one that gets in at 1:00 AM. The Pinkies go into their "performance art", in which they pretend to look upset and frazzled, so that TK and Rachel don't suspect that they got a jump on the later flight. It's probably unnecessary, but it works. Both teams board their flights, and Europe gets a workout, as the teams head for their connections in Paris, Amsterdam, and Frankfurt. The lead flight is delayed in Paris.

LabRat: "See, if you want to get anywhere on time, always connect through Germany."

Because of the delay in Paris, the Pinkies get to Mumbai first, and grab an auto-rickshaw to the newspaper stand. The camera lens is wet, giving them a very Elizabeth-Taylor-in-the-White-Diamonds-ad glow. The flight from Paris arrives at 11:05 PM. The Pinkies reach the newspaper stall, where people are sleeping on the street outside. Curiously, we don't hear any of the "Now we realize how good we've got it!" speeches, like we did in Africa. The newspaper stall doesn't open until 6 AM, which means that all the teams will catch up. Which they do. Everyone settles in to hang out with the homeless people and the stray dogs until the stall opens. When it does, everyone buys a paper and starts frantically scanning the pages for the clue. Nicolas voices-over that he intentionally stood near other racers, so that he'd have a general idea of where to look if the others found the clue. A small dog pesters the Bickersons. Vyxsin is the first to spot the clue. It tells the teams to travel by auto-rickshaw to the Chauhan tailor shop, where the owner will hand over the next clue.

The Pinkies grab an auto-rickshaw. There's a black box between the driver and the back seat that reads "DON'T TOUCH ME". Heh. I wonder what that thing is. They get going. Ronald and Christina find the clue. Since the Bickersons' sole reaction to another team gaining ground is "immediately become flustered", they go ahead and do that. The fact that the little dog is still hanging around and jumping on them doesn't help, although there's no need for Jennifer to shriek like she just got stabbed with a rusty nail. TK spots the clue, which tips Nicolas off to the correct section to search. He spots it next, which means that yet another concentration task has pushed the Bickersons to the back of the pack. They bicker.

Commercials. If you go out and buy every one of your favorite things, I do hope that list includes "foreclosure notice".

The Bickersons rifle through their paper in frustration. The other teams are out in their auto-rickshaws, and some of the drivers don't really know where they're going. First to the tailor are Nicolas and Donald. They spot the Speed Bump awaiting the Pinkies, with the team picture plastered on it. I fully admit I'm not an attention-seeking, "alternative" kind of person, but I'd be really embarrassed to have the populace of India swarming around a picture of me with kitten ears, blown-out hair, and plucked eyebrows. Nicolas and Donald receive their next clue. Rrrrrrrip! Detour! Paste 'Em or Thread 'Em. In Paste 'Em, teams make their way to a specific underpass, and paste up a six-panel Bollywood movie poster that looks very much like the Indian version of Gone With the Wind. The poster parts are unwieldy, and have to be aligned exactly right for the team to receive the next clue. In Thread 'Em, teams make their way to a stall in a flower market, and create a traditional wedding garland by stringing 108 flowers together in a specific pattern. They then drop the completed garland off with a bridegroom, who will hand over the next clue. That's the one I'd opt for.

Nicolas and Donald disagree with me, and head for Paste 'Em. Donald says that he has printing experience, and is used to handling those kinds of poster sections. Ronald and Christina arrive, and choose the same thing. The Bickersons are still searching through the paper. Jennifer wishes they would have just cheated, and looked over someone's shoulder. This from the woman who prissily lectured another team on why it's unfair that they came in first. The Pinkies still haven't found the tailor shop, so TK and Rachel are the next ones there. Rachel is confident in her garland-threading abilities (having worked with flowers for four years), so they choose Thread 'Em. The Pinkies finally arrive at the shop, and spot their Speed Bump. They must now make their way to a yoga studio, and be led through series of complex poses. When they've done them all, they may go back to the tailor shop, and get the next clue. They take off, actually looking forward to doing some yoga, saying it will help remove some of the stress of the race. The Bickersons finally spot the ad, and head for the tailor shop.

Nicolas and Donald's driver is lost, so Ronald and Christina are first to the poster wall. Meanwhile, TK and Rachel arrive at the flower stall. TK agrees to count out the flowers, if Rachel will string them. Ronald starts slathering glue on a section of the movie poster. As he hangs the second one, he snaps at Christina for skimping on the paste. Because she's had so much experience with poster hanging, she should know better? Anyway, the glue isn't the real issue. Both Ronald and Christina are too short to adequately hang the high sections of the poster. Christina finds a wooden box for Ronald to stand on, but it's not strong enough, and collapses under his weight. This, too, is somehow Christina's fault. The Pinkies arrive at the yoga studio, while the Bickersons get their Detour clue and choose Thread 'Em. The Pinkies start contorting. Kynt unsuccessfully tries to convince us that he's interested in Vyxsin's bendy body. Nicolas and Donald arrive at the Paste 'Em underpass, and after taking a look at what Ronald and Christina are doing, jump right in. TK and Rachel thread methodically, catching a mistake before the pattern is done incorrectly. The Pinkies keep on posing. In more ways than one. Jennifer frets about being in last place.

The Pinkies finish up, and receive a clue that sends them back to the tailor shop. Ronald is looking around for something to stand on, and we learn that there was no need to start the poster so high, so the fact that he can't arrange the upper sections of the poster is completely his fault. Not that this stops him from blaming everything but global warming on Christina. Nicolas and Donald work far more steadily. TK and Rachel wonder why they haven't seen any other teams for a while. The Pinkies reach the Detour clue, and choose Thread 'Em. Their cab to the flower market has a black ceiling, which they delightedly refer to as being "cozy" like a "coffin". The driver grins, because even he knows how phony these two are. I still like them; they seem like nice people. It's just weird to keep seeing their "Dating Goths" title, when they don't exhibit any behavior that would support either word. The Bickersons arrive at the flower stalls.

Christina has taken over the pasting process, and is finally starting to lose patience with Ronald, who's pausing his stream of criticism and nagging only when he needs to draw breath. Nicolas and Donald, on the other hand, have no such issues, and are already done with their poster. The clue-wrangler approves, and hands over the next clue. Rrrrrrrip! Teams must now make their way to Kabutar Khana, a traffic island swarming with birds. Oh, and "Caution: U-Turn ahead". Yes, it's the last U-Turn of the race, and if a team wishes to brave the cloud of birds to get to the box, they may send someone behind them back to complete the other Detour option. Nicolas and Donald take off in first place. Ronald and Christina get all antsy when they see them go, so they ask the clue-wrangler if they're finished, too. Nope. The section of poster that includes an eye that Christina was previously trying to fix is still wonky. They crabbily go back to work. Speaking of crabby, the Bickersons are doing a fairly shitty job of threading the garland, and decide to pass the time by indulging in moronic gender stereotypes. Nathan wonders why she can't thread a giant flower, given her lady bits, and she attacks right back about his lack of manly rowing prowess. Would it help you guys to know that neither sex is clamoring for either of you to be its representative?

TK and Rachel, on the other hand, easily finish their garland, and hilariously make sure they've got everything before they head off to find the bridegroom. Yeah, don't leave another clue behind, please. The nearby group of people dancing wildly in costume tips off the bridegroom's location, and he happily hands over the clue that sends TK and Rachel to Bird Island. The Pinkies arrive at Thread 'Em, and see the Bickersons still working on their garland. Vyxsin interviews that she was shocked to see them, assuming that all the teams had already blown through the Detour. She also notes that the Bickersons were "struggling and upset". Put a little bookmark in this moment. And indeed, the Bickersons are still squabbling. Ronald and Christina are also struggling. Christina is fixing the eye, and says that they'll have to redo the whole right section. Ronald is furious at this development, because the clue-wrangler led him to believe that the rest of the sections were okay. That never really seemed to happen, but even if it did, the posters have to align in relation to each other. If you fix an incorrect section, you change its alignment to all the other sections. This is not advanced science, Ronny. He bitches at the clue-wrangler until Christina points out that pissing off a judge is probably not in their best interest.

Commercials. We were actually just at one of these fancy restaurants that's lovely, except it serves you two bites at a time. "It's like elf food." Hehehe.

For the billionth time, once Ronald shuts up, stands back, and lets Christina handle the task, it gets done a lot more quickly. The clue-wrangler approves the work, and of course Ronald is all joy and pride in his daughter now. Until the next frustrating task comes along, I suppose. They leave for Bird Island, worried that they may be a U-Turn target. Er... I doubt it. Nicolas and Donald are a bit lost, so TK and Rachel are first to the U-Turn, which they don't use. TK still doesn't understand how the U-Turn works, saying they didn't use it because if you're in the front of the pack, using the U-Turn only fosters enmity. No, the reason you didn't use it is because you're in the front of the pack. You don't need it. And if you use the U-Turn wisely, your target will never have a chance to be your enemy.

At any rate, they ignore the U-Turn, and grab their next clue. Rrrrrrrip! Teams must now travel by taxi to the Bharatgas Colaba Gas Service, which deals in propane tanks. No Hank Hill impressions are done. After they leave, Nicolas and Donald beat Ronald and Christina to the U-Turn by seconds. Neither team uses it, though Christina says that if they had beat Nicolas and Donald to the box, she would have used it on them. Now there's an example of stupid U-Turn use. She knows the Pinkies are behind. So if she sends Nicolas and Donald back, she has no idea what place they'll be in relation to the Pinkies (not knowing the Bickersons are also struggling right now). For all she knows, she's decreasing a two-hour lead on the Pinkies into a half-hour lead on the Pinkies. Big whoop. If she was hell-bent on holding a team up, she should have U-Turned the Pinkies, which in combination with their Speed Bump, would almost certainly seal their doom. Anyway, both teams leave for the gas service. The Bickersons and the Pinkies are still threading.

TK and Rachel hit some traffic, so Nicolas and Donald are first to the gas service. Rrrrrrrip! Roadblock! Phil explains that this Roadblock will educate the teams on how hard it is to navigate the "mean streets of Mumbai". Are there roving gangs? The chosen team member must load up a bicycle cart with six propane tanks, then deliver the tanks to two addresses (three tanks at each). After the tanks are delivered, they'll pick up receipts from the homeowners, which must then be turned in (along with the original order forms) to the clue-wrangler at the gas service. The clue reads "Who's got a strong back and good navigational skills?" so naturally, Nicolas takes it on. Nobody wants to force their grandfather to haul gas tanks all over the city. They interview that carrying stuff is definitely Nick's role in this team, and Donald says his job is to do little stuff, and "look good as I'm doing it". Heh. Ronald and Christina arrive, and Ronald takes the task, as does TK behind him. Tanks are loaded. Directions are asked for.

The Bickersons finish their garland, and start asking people at the flower stall for the next clue. I guess that newspaper wasn't the only thing they didn't read carefully. The Pinkies near the end of their garland as the Bickersons figure out where to drop off theirs. No, you don't hand it to the elephant. Unless he's the one getting married. Still, an elephant. In the middle of the city street. How cool is that? The Pinkies finish, Kynt affecting that odd accent again. The Bickersons finally decipher the meaning of "bridegroom". I know, it's a tough one. They rip their clue and take off, with the Pinkies right behind them. Nicolas attempts to make his first delivery, but the lady who answers the door looks confused and terrified. This isn't the right place, which makes her bewilderment at an American, a propane tank, and a camera crew all the more understandable. The lagging teams fret about the U-Turn. Ronald asks for help, and a nearby man agrees to direct him, hopping on the tanks to let Ronald carry him. Nice.

Nicolas and TK's first delivery building is the same. There's no elevator, so Nicolas begins hauling his first tank up to the fifth floor. TK only has to go to the third floor, but he hauls two tanks at a time. Supa-stud! Nicolas calls him a "macho man" on his way back down the stairs. They both finish up, and take their receipts. Ronald's helper has actually led him back to the gas service. I guess he saw the tanks and assumed that's where Ronald wanted to go. Or maybe, as Ronald supposes, he just wanted a ride. Hehehe. And now, the most frustrating and heartbreaking scene ever. The Bickersons get caught in a bit of traffic, so the Pinkies beat them to the U-Turn box. Vyxsin says they're not sure if anyone's behind them, but the Bickersons are certainly an option. Kynt prepares to do the deed.

Commercials. Suck it, commercials.

Kynt winds up to use the U-Turn, and... U-Turns Nicolas and Donald, who are miles ahead of him. I've been trying to understand the thinking behind this decision. So, the Pinkies knew everyone was tied as of the newspaper stand. That newspaper task wasn't terribly taxing, so although they were first out of there, I don't think they could have assumed it would take everyone else much longer, so everyone should still be theoretically neck-and-neck as of the Speed Bump, although we, the audience know that by that point, Nicolas and Donald had already passed the Pinkies. The Pinkies arrive, go off to do their Speed Bump, come back, then head for the Detour, where they see they're a little behind the Bickersons. Nobody else ever shows up. I know they have no way of knowing where everyone else is, or that they passed the Bickersons on the way to the U-Turn, but wouldn't taking the risk on U-Turning the Bickersons be a safer bet than using it on a team whose current placement Kynt has absolutely no idea of? What does he think Nicolas and Donald did during his Speed Bump? Sat around? He may think that everyone else is still plugging away at the other Detour, but if you know you've been held up by a task, wouldn't it be a more natural conclusion that the team you've just seen is struggling, rather than thinking that you and the Bickersons are blowing everyone else away, and that you've mysteriously managed to jump past an entire knot of teams? Or maybe I'm just thinking along these lines because if the Pinkies had made the right choice here, we would have almost certainly been rid of the Bickersons, and that hurts.

So, the Pinkies completely waste the U-Turn, then head for the gas service. Kynt says that there was a better chance Nicolas and Donald were behind than the Bickersons. I still think that's unlikely, but hey, I wasn't there. The Bickersons are confused, but pleased to see what's happened, and head for the gas service in last place. Jennifer begins to freak out a bit about how the Pinkies even beat them to the U-Turn box, but Nathan calms her down by pointing out that they didn't get U-Turned, so it doesn't matter. TK and Nicolas finish their second deliveries. Nicolas is extremely winded. Ronald bikes. The Pinkies and the Bickersons fret. The Bickersons make up from their earlier fights. Oh, good. All that relationship angst, gone forever! TK comes back to the gas service and turns in his slips, so the clue-wrangler hands over the final clue. Rrrrrrrip! Teams must now travel fourteen miles by taxi to the Bandra Fort, a sixteenth-century fortress on the coast of the Arabian Sea. TK and Rachel hop in a cab. Nicolas returns, and gets the pitstop clue. Ronald makes a delivery. Nicolas is looking really weak. Those physically-demanding deliveries took a toll on him, and he thinks he may pass out. Ronald finishes his deliveries, comes back, and gets the pitstop clue.

The Pinkies arrive at the Roadblock, where Kynt takes it. He starts loading up tanks. The Bickersons arrive, and Jennifer takes the Roadblock. This is where the light begins to dawn on Vyxsin, and she realizes that they've no doubt U-Turned the wrong team. Jennifer loads up, as Kynt leaves for his first delivery. Nicolas looks terrible, and asks the cab driver to pull over so he can get out and puke up a bit. TK and Rachel arrive at the fort, and run up to the mat as team number one. Those two are all over the map. They win a trip to St. Maarten. Man, TK and Rachel get all the good pitstop prizes. No stupid catamarans for them. They're thrilled, not only to have won the leg, but to make it another step closer to winning the whole race, which would be "freakin' awesome". Kynt rides himself right into a wall. I hope those tanks aren't too volatile. A passer-by points out where his brake is. Heh. Kynt takes the opportunity to ask for directions. Jennifer makes her first delivery, and having learned nothing from not reading the Detour clue carefully, hasn't read the Roadblock one either, leaving her receipt behind.

Nicolas and Donald check in as team number two. They bump fists. Kynt arrives at his building, which happens to be where Jennifer's next delivery is, too. Kynt hops in the elevator, which is too small for Jennifer to share. Kynt heads up, and leaves the elevator door partially open, so it doesn't return to the ground floor. Naturally, this causes Jennifer to squawk, and while I'm sure it's a sucky situation for her... You're battling over last place. You can't really expect the other team to help you out. Jennifer's got the most twisted sense of race morality I think I've ever seen on this show. She darts up to the second floor and closes it herself, yelling at Kynt the whole time. Kynt doesn't give a fuck, and is asking the homeowner for the receipt. Unfortunately, he also didn't read that Roadblock clue too carefully, and leaves the original order form behind when he takes his receipt. Jennifer makes her second delivery, and as she heads out, the homeowner, damn her to Hades, reminds Jennifer to take the receipt. Jennifer realizes she forgot the other one, and goes to get it.

Ronald and Christina check in as team three. They're relieved. Jennifer gets her second receipt. Kynt says he's neck-and-neck with Jennifer, which isn't really true. She's a full delivery ahead, and we know he doesn't have all his forms. Jennifer comes back to the gas service, and the two of them head for the pitstop. They could have still been pasting up posters, you damned Pinkies. The Bickersons are told that the fort isn't too far away, and they can run it. I have no idea what the nearby citizens are talking about, because fourteen miles is not going to be run in five minutes. Kynt returns, and discovers that he needed to hang on to the original order forms. "Oh, honey," Vyxsin says, knowing that their fate is pretty much inescapable now. The Bickersons run around and freak out. They certainly enjoy their patterns. Kynt collects his forms and returns. Both teams finally get taxis, Jennifer giving us the titular quote. Well, I'm not sure the Pinkies are really responsible for the fact that you two are functionally illiterate, but thanks for playing. The Bickersons appear to have to direction problems. The Pinkies zoom along. Jennifer whines and whines and whines and whines and whines and whines and whines and whines. A team approaches the pitstop. Who will it be?!?!

Well, it's the Bickersons, unsurprisingly. They suspect they know who's behind them, but Nathan has the grace to kid that the Pinkies seem to have beaten them everywhere today, so he wouldn't be surprised if they checked in ten minutes ago. Heh. The Pinkies approach the mat, and thanks to Kynt's one-two punch of U-Turn misuse and Roadblock mistakes, they are last. No more safeties. The Pinkies are eliminated. Phil says he's sad to see them go, and that they'd definitely win the award for Most Fashionable Couple ever on the race. I don't think pancake makeup = fashionable, but that was nice of him, and they're pleased to hear it. Vyxsin interviews that they've come to appreciate what's unique and beautiful about so many of the world's cultures, and that as long as Kynt's in her life, the adventure will never end. Aw, they're sweet. I'm sure I'll eventually forgive them for screwing up our chance to be rid of the Bickersons.

Next week on The Amazing Race: Donald slows his team down. TK and Rachel vanish.

Overall Grade: B-