Say Your Deepest Prayers Ever

The Amazing Race - Season 10, Episode 13

The final three teams head for Paris. Too bad RoKi's too stressed with race worry to properly enjoy the "rich" countries Kimberly's been pining for. She takes the final Roadblock (skydiving), which makes Rob jealous, so we get to enjoy one more pointless RoKi fight before the season ends. Whee! The Detour is a boring task where teams make shitty fashion designs, and just made me miss Nina Garcia. The three teams change order often and catch up often, until their final flight back to New York City, which Lyn and Karlyn cannot board. Guess that "higher power" doesn't want you to get the money, ladies.

So it comes down to two alpha teams, and keeping in mind RoKi's history of breaking down, getting lost, following others, and so on, it's only fitting that James and Tyler win. Thus endeth the part of this paragraph where I don't start whining that white, straight, muscly pretty-boys winning the race is so trite by this point as to make it almost offensive.

Dude, I'm Such A Hot Giant Chick Right Now

The Amazing Race - Season 10, Episode 12

Fuck. Blah blah blah. Dustin and Kandice get eliminated, which means Lyn and Karlyn -- Lyn and Karlyn -- are going to the final three.

We Just Won't Die, Like Roaches

The Amazing Race - Season 10, Episode 11

Previously on The Amazing Race: The back half of a double leg. The teams went to Kiev, where the Prom Court led the pack for the entire episode. After some uneventful tank-driving, teams raced off to the funniest Detour ever. Lyn and Karlyn leaped off of the sinking Underdog ship just in time, but there were no more lifeboats for Erwin and Godwin. Four teams remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening credits. Sarah, the way to escape him is to pedal in the other direction.

Kiev, Ukraine. Phil gives us his opening blather in front of a statue that appears to be telling us that the field goal is good. Tyler and James are off the mat first at 7:33 AM. Their clue tells them to head for Ouarzazate, Morocco. Ouarzazate would be a good name for a cat. Sorry, I'm on a sugar high from polishing off the last of my Girl Scout cookies, so I'm a bit loopy right now. Whee! Once in Morocco, teams will drive themselves about four miles and find a specific antique shop. There are four good luck charms there, and each team will pick one up, because one of them will lead to a super-special prize at the pitstop. Tyler and James hope to knock KanDustin out of the race, because they're such fierce competitors. Wait, not because they don't "deserve" to be there or because they're such horrible bitches? You actually want them gone for the right reasons? That's so refreshing! Speaking of KanDustin, they leave the mat at 7:41 AM. Dustin tells Kandice that she wrote a paper in college about Morocco. That'll come in handy! Snerk. I'm not trying to belittle her; I still whine about the time my chemistry class had to pick elements out of a jar to write a long paper about, and Lady Fortune saw fit to make me draw tin. Not that that's the most boring element ever. Aaaaaaanyway, KanDustin would really like to win.

Tyler and James pull over and ask a cab to lead them to the airport. RoKi leaves the mat at 8:19 AM. Rob says that the race is helping him "grow", and that he sometimes needs to breathe and calm down. Kimberly agrees, saying he needs to know that he can't control everything. I don't quite understand the Reformation of Rob arc here, because she can get just as hysterical as he does. Sometimes even more so. Whatever. KanDustin gets to the airport, and finds a flight that connects through Milan, and gets into Casablanca at 3:00 PM. The layover is practically nil, so it'll be tough to catch that second plane. They decide to risk it. Tyler and James arrive, and are confounded by the fact that KanDustin beat them there. They ask about flights, and are told that KanDustin's is full. They wander off to find another flight, and KanDustin asks the agent about getting to Ouarzazate. Turns out there's only one flight there, at 10:55 PM. So, wait. If there's only one flight out of Casablanca, KanDustin could go get different tickets, right? Ones that aren't such a high risk of missing the connecting flight? They know they'll have no time advantage over other teams anyway, and yet they never try to find a safer way there. Odd.

Lyn and Karlyn leave the mat at 9:08 AM. The teams don't get any money for this leg. Eat it, suckas! Lyn and Karlyn joke about what language Moroccans speak, and find it strange that they're the last surviving members of the Underdogs. Man, no kidding. I fully expected Lyn and Karlyn to be eliminated within the first three episodes. Though they (meaning Karlyn) can be thoroughly annoying people, I really should give them props for that. Lyn says that they're fully ready to compete as an individual team, rather than as part of an alliance. RoKi arrives at the airport. They meet up with Tyler and James, and find out about a flight connecting through Paris that gets into Casablanca at 4:35 PM. KanDustin approaches, and asks what tickets the Plastics got. Rob, looking to cause a little mischief, tells them they're getting into Casablanca at 1:00 PM. He interviews that KanDustin races with a "certain amount of arrogance", so he presumably wants to knock them down a peg. And what, you ask, is Kandice's "arrogant" reaction upon learning that they might not have a lead anymore? "We should get on that flight, D. We thought we were doing so good." OH MY GOD, WHAT BITCHES! The nerve of them to try and step up their game! Rob lets them in on the fact that they've been hoodwinked, and they laugh it off.

KanDustin's flight takes off. Lyn and Karlyn arrive at the airport. They also find the tickets through Paris, but won't get into Casablanca until 10:00 PM. Eh, doesn't matter. They'll still be able to catch the 10:55 to Ouarzazate. The second flight takes off. At 11:45 AM, KanDustin's flight lands in Milan. Dustin tells the camera that technically, the cutoff for checking into their connecting flight was five minutes ago. Indeed, the agent tells them that they won't be allowed to board. They try to beg their way on, but the agent shortly tells them that the flight is closed. KanDustin stomps off, talking about how bitchy the agent was. Which, yeah she was, but it isn't her fault they didn't get there in time. Graciously accept the consequences of your (pointless) risk, KanDustin. The other teams land in Paris at 1:20 PM. The Plastics hop onto their connecting flight. As Lyn and Karlyn wait out their layover, they pore over a very detailed map, working out their route for once they get to Morocco. Smart thinking, ladies. And wow, that map is huge. The Plastics land in Casablanca and pick up their final set of tickets on the 10:55 PM flight to Ouarzazate. They have no idea where KanDustin is. Lyn and Karlyn are next to arrive in Casablanca at 10:00 PM. Finally, KanDustin arrives. What time is it? I don't know. How did they finally get out of Milan, and what time was it then? Your guess is as good as mine. Everyone is shocked that KanDustin is on the plane, for some unfathomable reason. Rob says that he was "literally crushed". Arrrgh! He was hoping KanDustin's stupid risk would bite them in the ass.

Ouarzazate, Morocco. KanDustin comes out of the airport and pays a cab driver to lead them to the antique shop. The Plastics jump in their cars and decide to follow KanDustin, while Lyn and Karlyn stick to their map. In the RoKi car, Rob decides, even as he's following KanDustin, that he's "over" them. Yeah, those people you're hoping do your work for you want to be, like, in first place and stuff. OH MY GOD, WHAT BITCHES! Rob, once you're done learning how to "breathe" and "calm down", can gaining a nugget of self-awareness be next on the list? The cab driver everyone's following pulls over on the side of a street, and the driver gets out. Looks like he doesn't know the way to the shop. KanDustin hops out of the car to ask for directions. Meanwhile, Lyn and Karlyn pull right up to the shop. OK, that was awesome. They snag one of the good luck charms, and the man behind the counter hands over the next clue. It tells them to drive six miles to Atlas Studios, which was used as the background in Cleopatra and Gladiator. Oh, and "Caution: Yield Ahead". Phil explains the Yield's rules, which haven't changed, and which I still detest.

Lyn and Karlyn hurriedly drive away from the shop, and Karlyn's excited about using the Yield. Not using it at all isn't an option, apparently. They really want to stick it to someone. I can't imagine who they'd like to Yield. They certainly don't dislike any of these other teams, especially one that rhymes with DanKustin. Speaking of whom, they're still working on getting directions, as the Plastics laughingly agree to just let them do all the work, then follow them. Well, of course. No wonder Rob disapproves of KanDustin's racing style, since his is so noble. Lyn and Karlyn pass the other teams, and Tyler laughs that they have no idea what they're doing. Burn! They pull over and find a local to help them find Atlas Studios. Dramatic music kicks in as more and more guys approach the teams waiting for directions. KanDustin gets nervous and gets back into their car, and the Plastics take off. They're playing it up like KanDustin's about to get gang raped, which is a little unfair. They eventually figure out that the guys are pretty harmless, and get a local to join them and show them where the shop is.

Elsewhere, RoKi is doing the same thing. The Plastics make it to the shop first, and when they see that one of the good luck charms is gone, they automatically assume that KanDustin was the team to take it. Hehehehe. They get their charms and clues, and head for the studio. Karlyn has decided that KanDustin is definitely the team she wants to Yield. I'm shocked! KanDustin has run into some bad luck. The local they've got with them hasn't led them to the shop, and they're a bit lost. Rut roh! James hopes he and Tyler aren't Yielded. KanDustin finds the shop in last place, and are surprised that "the Sistas" found it. Seriously, KanDustin? Stop it. Now. Oof, it's like a knife in my ear every time I hear it. So of course Dustin says it again. Arrrgh! Lyn and Karlyn cackle over being able to Yield KanDustin, saying "what goes around, comes around". There's that curious morality again! But I'm sure this is the last time that Lyn and Karlyn will vilify someone else for behavior that they consider perfectly acceptable in themselves. And even if it's not, I'm certain that such blatant hypocrisy won't occur in the next ten minutes.

Commercials. I'm all for women having whatever birth control they want, but perhaps this lady should hold off bitching about the daily pill. Have you been keeping up with this administration, lady? You should be glad it's even legal.

Lyn is cautiously excited. KanDustin is nervous. Lyn and Karlyn arrive at the studios, and learn that it doesn't open until 8 AM. Whaaaaaa? OK, I'm all for equalizing points, be it due to flights or hours of operation. If people were just allowed to race and race and race, then someone would no doubt get way out in front, and the entire show would be boring. Also, Lyn and Karlyn are going to be on my shitlist very, very soon. That said? This is total bullshit. It is blatantly unfair to equalize everyone right before the Yield, because it renders all the advantages of racing well this leg pointless. Not only that, but it turns this entire Yield into a mini-footrace. Lyn and Karlyn raced their asses off to get here in first place, and it sucks that they now have to outrun young, athletic people (like that'll happen) to get anything out of it. Bleh. Very poor planning here. Lyn and Karlyn are justifiably pissed. The Plastics pull up, and are shocked to see that Lyn and Karlyn have beat them there. KanDustin arrives in last, and hopes that they'll be able to pull themselves together the next day. Sleepytime for all.

Morning. At 8:00, the gates open, and the teams all run in a straight shot to the Yield. Let's get this shit over with. Tyler and James get there first and don't use the Yield. RoKi doesn't use the Yield. KanDustin Yields Lyn and Karlyn. This is such crap. The overall situation is such crap, that is. Yielding Lyn and Karlyn is pretty much KanDustin's only chance to pick up some time right now, so they acted wisely, even though this should never have happened. Tyler and James reach the cluebox. Roadblock! The chosen team member will join a professional charioteer, and race around a dirt track. Each horse has a colored plume, and the Roadblocker will need to pull down two flags with the corresponding color on their way around. Once they've got the flags, they'll get the next clue. That's pretty neat. James takes the Roadblock, as does Rob. Good choice. He reminds us that Kimberly and horses don't exactly get along. There's a black and white flashback for the forgetful. Dustin takes the Roadblock. Lyn and Karlyn flip the Yield hourglass over. KanDustin thanks Tyler for not Yielding them. Hey, yeah! Why didn't they? Weird. Kandice reiterates to the camera that they had to Yield Lyn and Karlyn. I still agree. And how does Karlyn feel about being Yielded? "Well, you know I already hated them, so... I expected it, because it's typical of something they would do. They've shown no character at all in this game. That's on them to live with. They have to live with that. I can go home at night and go right to sleep." Yep, when Lyn and Karlyn were going to Yield KanDustin, it was perfectly fine. They even admitted that they were going to do so for personal reasons. However, when KanDustin Yields them? OH MY GOD, WHAT BITCHES! Shut the fuck up, Karlyn.

The Roadblockers get into what can only be called period garb for their task. Dustin hops on the horse with the purple plumes, James gets blue, and Rob gets red. The crowd the show asked to stand around and cheer does so with admirable zeal. James' horse takes off in the wrong direction, and he yells at it. Heh. I'm not sure a Moroccan horse is going to take guff from a guy who calls everyone "bro". Lyn and Karlyn watch. Karlyn hopes doing the task by herself will be easier than trying to do it with a bunch of other horses on the track. It's a distinct possibility. One of the chariots crashes spectacularly. The charioteers spill out, and a wheel goes spinning off by itself, which is, of course, the law of the universe. Kandice is worried about who was riding in it, but Tyler realizes that it was staged "movie stuff". Kimberly wonders what it'd be like (read: secretly wishes) if an actual racer fell like that. The carts round a curve to dramatic music. Dustin grabs her first flag. Rob snags one, too. James reaches out for his, but misses it by a country mile. Lyn and Karlyn watch sourly. The Roadblockers come around a bend. Dustin gets her second flag, as does Rob. James manages to pull his first. Rob and Dustin's chariots pull over. As KanDustin passes back by Lyn and Karlyn, Karlyn shoots them the middle finger. Classy. Lyn tells her not to do that; that it's ugly. Karlyn apologizes. To Lyn, that is. Dustin tells Kandice about the finger, taking yet another opportunity to call Lyn and Karlyn the Sistas. That alone warrants the finger.

RoKi rips the clue. It tells them to drive 22 miles to the town of Idelssan, and find the Cafe Pirgola, where the next cluebox will be waiting. ANOTHER "Sistas". Urrrgh! After reading their own clue, KanDustin asks RoKi if they want to work with them to find the cafe faster. They agree, and Rob interviews that he doesn't trust KanDustin, but it's handy to "use" them once in a while. James yanks his second flag. Just as he starts to pull over, the sand runs out on the Yield. Karlyn takes the Roadblock. Again, Rob insults KanDustin (calling their use of the Yield "crappy", which...NOT) even as he lets them do his work for him. I never thought I'd see the day that the requisite muscly, white, straight boys would be the most self-aware team left. Yet here we are. As Karlyn gets ready to do the Roadblock, Lyn tells the camera that it's "interesting that everybody finds us a threat." She continues by saying that it was "stupid on [KanDustin's] part", because KanDustin shouldn't want to race in the final three with teams that are as physically fit as they. Good thinking, Lyn! KanDustin should have totally Yielded that other team that was behind them! You know, the invisible one! Dumbass. Tyler and James rip their clue, and arrange for a taxi to lead them to the cafe.

Karlyn takes the green-plumed horses, and gets started. Lyn thinks Karlyn being pissed from the Yield will spur her on to do better. Hey, maybe that's why Lyn and Karlyn are in the final four. Karlyn's always pissed. She grabs her first flag. Lyn notes that they're really not that far behind. RoKi and KanDustin have stopped for directions, and Tyler and James pass them. They soon form a little convoy. Karlyn gets her second flag. Lyn thinks that Karlyn got her flags more quickly than the other teams did. They rip their clue, and hop into the car.

The cab driver that James and Tyler have hired doesn't want to go the whole way to Idelssan, so he points them in the right direction, then ditches. Weird-ass cabbie. It's only 22 miles. The bad car luck that seems to follow RoKi everywhere they go strikes again, and they get a flat tire. KanDustin notes it gleefully. Lyn and Karlyn pull over and talk someone into riding with them to Idelssan. Kimberly says that Lyn and Karlyn tend to be very good with directions, so it's crucial to not get lost on this drive. KanDustin passes RoKi, and calls out the window to them that they've got a flat. Rob pulls over. Kimberly, anticipating his hissyfit, tries to cut him off at the pass by telling him not to freak out. He starts to anyway. Lyn and Karlyn's passenger also doesn't want to go with them the whole way. Is Idelssan haunted or something? They drop him off, and he points the way.

A frustrated RoKi begins to change their tire. Karlyn says that while they've never come in first, they keep hanging in there, so there must be a higher power that wants them in the race. Yeah, God loves people who flick others off because they're beating them in a competition. Rob can't find a jack in their car. Weird. You'd think it'd have one. Lyn and Karlyn pass by, and say that they're not going to help RoKi out. Because they're in a race, and it's perfectly acceptable not to assist your direct competition? No, don't be silly. It's because RoKi didn't have the good sense to Yield KanDustin. You know, I've been watching my share of reality television this season, and I can pretty confidently say that Lyn and Karlyn will be taking home the coveted Most Undeservedly Self-Entitled crown. Rob has now discovered that the car does, indeed, have a jack, but he can't pull it out of its panel. Yeah, that's not bad luck. That's just ineptitude.

Commercials. Yes, when I think of spreading love and peace throughout the world, GAP certainly springs to mind.

RoKi manages to flag down a passing motorist, who agrees to pull over and let them use his jack. Meanwhile, the Prom Court finds the cafe and the cluebox. Two random guys are standing nearby, playing instruments. I assume they were there to provide some local color, but we barely see them, so they just wind up looking like, well, two random guys. Detour! Throw It or Grind It. In Throw It, teams have to drive four miles to another town, find a marked pottery shop, and throw two properly-made pots. Once an artisan approves the pots, they'll get the next clue. In Grind It, teams travel four miles back towards Ouarzazate, and find a horse ranch/olive farm. Once there, the team has to use an olive mill (a big grindstone worked by walking in a circle) to grind 77 pounds of olives. Once the olives are ground and put into pressing sleeves, they'll get the next clue. Both Detour options have three workstations available, so it's first-come, first-served.

Tyler and James dither a little bit, while KanDustin immediately chooses Grind It. As they leave, Tyler and James ask what they're doing. Dustin tells them they're going to Grind It. Tyler says he and James are going to Throw It. "Have fun," Dustin tosses out, and they're off. Once they're in the car, Tyler and James realize that "throwing" pots means to make them, not hurl them. Heh. Part of me wishes they'd arrived at the Detour before figuring that out. About a 99% part. Dustin says "Sistas" again. Gaaah! Speaking of whom, Lyn and Karlyn pull up to the cafe. Tyler and James are still there, trying to decide what to do. The pots sound too hard, so they change their minds and head for Grind It. Lyn and Karlyn get the clue. Karlyn used to be an art major, and says that throwing pots isn't easy. They go for Grind It. Pointless strategy blah from all the teams except RoKi, who's busy standing back, watching kind-hearted locals change the tire for them. KanDustin passes them on their way back, and guess what? They don't stop and outline for RoKi exactly where they need to go. OH MY GOD, WHAT BITCHES! How dare they not let everyone pass them in order to help the team who openly despises, yet "uses" them? Tyler and James do pause to give their fellow Plastics some general directions. Karlyn's pleased to be far ahead of RoKi.

RoKi (by which I mean everyone present except RoKi) finishes changing the tire, and they head for the cafe. They also initially choose Throw It, and quickly change their minds. Yeah, nobody wants to throw pots. It's too easy to screw that up. KanDustin hopes they're going the right way. Tyler thinks KanDustin's game has slipped a little this leg (which I'd agree with), but James warns against underestimating them. Lyn and Karlyn are pleased with how they're doing, Karlyn spouting the titular quote. She giggles. RoKi frets. James hopes that they can find the Detour, and that KanDustin will overshoot it. His prayers are answered. KanDustin overshoots it. They stop and figure out that they need to turn around, but Tyler and James have already found the Detour, with Lyn and Karlyn right behind them. Both teams get started. There's not much to say about the task itself. Team members walk in circles. Riveting! RoKi and KanDustin are nervous. Lyn/Karlyn/Tyler/James grind. Ew, not like that, perv. And next to find the Detour is...RoKi! Man, KanDustin must have really overshot. RoKi gets started on the olive-grinding, so when KanDustin finally arrives, there are no workstations. They're upset, and give us a rousing chorus of "Poor Us, We're Out of It".

Commercials. Wow, a movie centered around football, starring Matthew McBlahBlahBlah? Sign me up! To do anything but see this movie!

KanDustin knows they're in big trouble now. One of them says that she has no idea how this happened. Hmm, could it have been because you drove for a really long time in the wrong direction? Tyler and James fill some pressing sleeves, and get about three done before Lyn and Karlyn start filling theirs. Lyn and Karlyn are naturally pleased with being ahead of the girls who Yielded them, as anyone would be. Tyler and James finish filling their bags, and KanDustin springs into action. They start hauling the wheelbarrow of olives over to the empty mill. Tyler and James rip the clue that sends them to the pitstop, a nomadic Berber camp 25 miles away. It's off the main road, but the way is marked by a small rock with a red and yellow flag painted on it. Lyn and Karlyn finish up before Tyler and James are gone. Both teams head for the pitstop. Lyn and Karlyn are deservedly thrilled about overcoming the Yield. Of course, they have to ruin it by putting it down to bad karma biting KanDustin in the ass. If people build up bad karma by actually attempting to win the games they play, I should stop going to Chrisngnat's for Cheapass game night.

RoKi and KanDustin grind their olives. RoKi finishes first, of course. The lead teams drive. Karlyn bitches about KanDustin some more, like, can she find another topic for FIVE FUCKING MINUTES? RoKi wraps up their olives (literally! ba-dum-bump), and gets the pitstop clue. KanDustin keeps working. RoKi drives. KanDustin finishes. Tyler and James spot the roadside marker. They pull over and jog down the road in high spirits. They're almost to the mat when the editors insert an honest-to-goodness scratching record sound. James remembers he's left the good luck charm in the car, and they run back to get it. As they do so, Lyn and Karlyn arrive and head for the mat. Tyler and James are obviously faster, so Lyn and Karlyn are again hosed by a footrace. Tyler and James check in as team number one, plus their good luck charm matches the greeter's. For that, they win some phone/organizer/internet doohickey. Lyn and Karlyn check in as team number two. KanDustin correctly surmises that people are putting their placement down to bad karma. "There's no bad karma in a game!" Kandice says. "You do what you do to win." Amen, sister. RoKi gets a bit lost, as they do. Both teams drive intensely. The music throbs intensely. Who will make it to the pitstop next? Whooooo? Well, it's RoKi, unsurprisingly. They check in as team number three.

KanDustin clutches hands and profess their love for one another as they approach the mat. They check in, and are told that they're the last to arrive. But wait! This is the last non-elimination point in the race! KanDustin is still in it! As with David and Mary, if they don't come in first place next week, it's an automatic thirty-minute penalty. Phil tells them that they're a real threat to win the race, and all the other teams would love to see them gone. They smilingly agree. Dustin says that you can't make everyone happy in this type of situation, and they both love that the other teams will go crazy when they see that KanDustin hasn't been eliminated. No kidding. Man, I wish I could see that.

Next week on The Amazing Race: RoKi stresses out again. Karlyn runs out of other people to bitch at, and turns on Lyn. People throw tomatoes at RoKi. Heh, that's probably not even part of the race. Kimberly freaks out and possibly abandons a task.

Overall Grade: B-

Lookin' Like a Blue-Haired Lady on a Sunday Drive

The Amazing Race - Season 10, Episode 10

Previously on The Amazing Race: Five teams left Madagascar for Helsinki, Finland. RoKi narrowly missed a train, which has not stopped haunting them since. They joined the Underdogs in running around madly, while James and Tyler were first to the clue that gave them the bad news that this is one of those boring double-legs. Five teams still remain. Someone had better be eliminated next.

Opening credits. Aw, poor Erwin has noticeably more trouble lifting the weight than Godwin. This is why it's helpful for siblings to cultivate separate interests.

Helsinki, Finland. We revisit a bit of the previous leg as James finishes his rappel. He and Tyler are not pleased that they have to keep on racing. The clue is another actual clue. Yay! It tells them to fly to the capital city of the country where the Chernobyl nuclear disaster occurred. Phil lets us in on the fact that this means that the teams need to head for Kiev, in the Ukraine. Once teams get there, the next clue will be in a marked car in the airport parking lot. James and Tyler kid about getting a third eye from hanging out in a nuclear zone. Hey, that can only help your depth perception. The remaining teams still have to do the rappel. KanDustin is already at the top of the tower, and there are two other rappel lines which are first come, first served. Kandice makes her way down. She stumbles, and falls sideways onto her ass on the building. She does not scream or cry or freak out or whine or yell at Dustin or curse the heavens, but keeps on going. This is why, despite KanDustin's unfortunate tendency to be a bit...tin-eared and smug, I'm totally rooting for them to win this race. James and Tyler head for the airport.

The Underdogs and RoKi stream into the tower and get their rappel clue. Kandice finishes, and Dustin gets started, despite being terrified. The lagging teams have somehow interpreted "go to the top of the tower" to mean "run out into the stadium". Lyn and Karlyn abandon the others and go look elsewhere, so they're the first to find the elevator. Dustin makes progress. RoKi and Erwin/Godwin find the elevator, but it's so small that there's only room for one team in there. RoKi gets to it first. Dustin finishes the rappel, and they get their clue. They seem perfectly cheerful and content to keep on racing. They discuss Chernobyl, and one of them says that she knows it's where the atomic bomb went off. This gets a Gong Noise of Idiocy. I mean, yeah, that's not what happened at all, but it's not that far off, especially when she's in hysterical race mode. Dustin interviews that they have a love/hate thing going with James and Tyler, but can't afford to just hang out with them; they need to concentrate on getting ahead.

Karlyn starts the rappel. Kimberly starts as Karlyn is about halfway down. Assume that everyone is scared to death during this task. Erwin and Godwin can't even get started yet. Karlyn finishes. Godwin implores Erwin to go first. Kimberly makes progress as Rob yells unhelpful encouragement down. Well, maybe it's helpful to her, but someone yelling at me (even encouragingly) while I'm trying to carefully do something I'm really scared of would drive me bonkers. Lyn frets about getting started. Erwin makes a couple of false starts, but has trouble forcing himself off the edge. The lead teams make it to the airport. Erwin finally gets going, but Lyn hasn't worked up the courage yet. Erwin's feet come off the wall, his body spins around, and his helmet crashes into the wall. He actually slides down a few feet like this, his helmet making a horrible scraping noise. Yikes. Kimberly makes it down. Erwin makes it down. Lyn finally gets started. Rob gets started. He's the only one who doesn't appear a bit fazed by the rappel. Lyn makes it down, so she and Karlyn get their clue. Lyn mentions Erwin and Godwin, but Karlyn's not worried about them, and they take off. Underdogs' Law. Karlyn says that they'll share information, but not stand around waiting for each other. Rob finishes just as Godwin gets started. RoKi gets the clue and bolts, hoping that all the teams will be tied at the airport. Rob is pretty convinced Chernobyl happened in Russia, which was my initial reaction, too. But the USSR has been very busy falling apart since Chernobyl. Nothing against Rob jumping to that conclusion, of course, but it would still be pretty funny to see RoKi wind up in Moscow. Godwin freaks a bit as he nears the ground, but he eventually makes it. His voice shakes as he reads the clue, and also tells us that teams are getting $65 for the leg. They realize Lyn and Karlyn have left them, and head for the airport.

Tyler and James wander the airport, looking for an open counter. They find a travel agency, and tell the agent they need to fly to Chernobyl, which would be like telling a travel agent that you need to fly to Big Ben. The agent's like "Huh?", but soon realizes what Tyler and James want, telling them they need to go to Kiev. There are no more flights today (it's almost 9:30 PM during this scene), but she can get them on the first available flight in the morning at 8:25. Tyler and James are mad that their lead is evaporating. KanDustin arrives, and gets the same information, also learning that the flight connects through Vienna. Both teams book tickets. Tyler/James and KanDustin have lately been thrown together a lot, and have formed a sort of pseudo-alliance, so to save time, the four of them together will be called the Prom Court. Lyn and Karlyn have stopped for directions, so RoKi is next to the airport. The agencies are closing, but they beg the same agent that helped James and Tyler to help them. They work out that they're going to Kiev, but the 8:25 flight is sold out, so they need tickets on a 9:25 AM flight connecting through Warsaw. You'd think if the agent would hang around and look up flight info for RoKi, she'd just go ahead and also book tickets for them, but no. She tells them to come back at 6:00 AM. The Underdogs catch up and get the same news.

Morning. RoKi and the Underdogs (which would be a pretty good name for a band) get their tickets, which will put them into Kiev at 1:35 PM. RoKi meets up with James and Tyler and finds out that the two flights are scheduled to get into Kiev at the exact same time. KanDustin and the Chos (nah, not as good of a band name) discover the same thing. KanDustin mentions that flights can get delayed. The Prom Court boards their plane to Vienna, and an hour later, the rest of the teams take off for Warsaw. And lo and behold, their flight from Warsaw to Kiev is delayed by a half hour. Ouch.

Kiev, Ukraine. The flight from Vienna lands on time. KanDustin heads for a marked car that reminds Dustin of her first car. Tyler and James wonder where the other teams are. They rip the clue, which tells them to drive to the Oster Tank School, giving a specific address. Except that the address is in the Cyrillic alphabet. Sweet! My two semesters of Russian will be so helpful in this episode, except not at all. The Prom Court goes to get their clue translated. KanDustin hires a taxi driver to lead them to the tank school. Tyler and James ask if they can follow, saying they'll split the cab fare with KanDustin. Sounds fair to everyone involved, and they're off. Tyler and James hope for a first place finish, while KanDustin is busy singing the Ukrainian Bell Carol in their car. The second flight lands. RoKi makes it out of the airport first, and also hires a cab to lead them to the tank school. The Underdogs see them leave as they emerge, but Erwin gets directions from a nearby cop, figuring that they can navigate their own way there. They agree to let Lyn and Karlyn follow them. In the least surprising development ever, the Underdogs are soon lost. They pull over to try and find someone to lead them to the tank school, which they should have done to begin with. Karlyn is angry, of course. Lady, either find your own way there or accept the consequences of following someone who may not know where they're going. Erwin and Godwin can't find anyone to help. Lyn and Karlyn sit in their cab carping about how frustrating the situation is. Note that they're not getting out to assist or ask anyone themselves, because that would involve doing their own work. Can't have that!

Commercials. Have an electronic pen do all your math homework for you. That'll totally help you pass the test when forced to use, you know, your brain.

Having wasted a bunch of time, the Underdogs finally find a cab driver to lead them to the tank school. The Prom Court reaches the school, and rips the clue. Roadblock! "Who's ready to take command?" Phil explains that in this Roadblock, the chosen team member must drive a Soviet tank through a 1.2 mile obstacle course used in simulated battle. Oof, I'd be terrible at this. Dustin and James take it on. They hop into the tiny little driver's seat, and get instructions on how to drive. Meanwhile, Rob loses control of his car for about one and a half seconds. Kimberly tells him he'll get the hang of it. He begins to get spazzy. She calms him down. That was the entire scene. Dustin and James get started, and have tons of fun tearing up the road in their tanks. Simulated bullets and explosions are going off all around them. James gets stuck on a hill, and Dustin passes him, actually cutting him off (although probably by accident -- it's not like tanks are the most maneuverable vehicles out there). RoKi bickers some more. James can't control the brake on his tank, and he crashes into Dustin. She doesn't even notice. Heh. There's a small dip into a mud puddle, and she takes it slowly. James plows right in, with the result that the muddy water flies up and soaks him. Dustin finishes first, and isn't even dirty. Hehehe. The Prom Court rips the clue at the same time. It tells them to drive back to Kiev, and find a specific apartment in a specific apartment building.

On their way out, they pass RoKi, and Tyler and James point the way to go. KanDustin wonders why they'd bother doing that. Kimberly's glad that they're caught up to the lead teams. I wouldn't really call being a full task behind "caught up", but whatever makes her happy, I guess. Tyler and James gloat over the Underdogs being behind, Tyler saying that Erwin and Godwin, who are supposedly so smart, haven't made it out, and that "book smarts doesn't get you where you think it will" in this race. That gloat would have been more powerful if the subject and verb agreed, but maybe he's just trying to prove his point. The Underdogs are stopping for more directions. I thought they had a cab to lead them? Karlyn says that the Chos tend to be indecisive, stopping every five minutes to make sure they're going the right way. Now, as I've said before, Lyn and Karlyn don't really get to make another team do all the work, then complain about the quality of the help. That said, being in their position, of following someone who can't just GO ALREADY, would drive me batshit, too.

RoKi gets the Roadblock clue. Kimberly takes it, and Rob asks the taxi driver to hang out for a little while. Rob wishes he could take the Roadblock, but says they have to be smart about how to divide up the tasks. Plus, driving a tank could help Kimberly work out some aggression. Wise move. Lyn and Karlyn spot marked arrows, so they lead Erwin and Godwin towards the tank school. Rob pines for the fun that Kimberly must be having. He interviews (during which she's sitting beside him) that she's become a superhuman creature from outer space, which makes her crack up. Aw, I like when they get along. She finishes bone dry, without a speck of dirt on her. RoKi runs back to the car, and arranges to follow the taxi driver back to Kiev. The Underdogs reach the cluebox. Lyn and Godwin take the Roadblock. They get started. The Prom Court finds someone willing to lead them to the apartment building. Godwin gets soaked. Lyn becomes stymied. Godwin finishes first, and they stay to wait for Lyn and Karlyn. Duuuuuuumb. Erwin tells the camera that maybe by sticking together, they'll get to the route marker more quickly. Yeah, because sticking together helped so much on the way here! Lyn finishes. Karlyn wonders why the Chos waited, saying she wouldn't expect them to. In the car, Karlyn asks why Lyn didn't get wet, and Lyn responds that she was scooted up really far, giving us the titular quote.

The Prom Court's guide goes through a light that turns red. KanDustin runs the light, hoping to leave James and Tyler behind. No such luck, as James and Tyler run the light right along with them. RoKi's car begins to smoke. Uh, oh. What is it with them and cars? They pull over and Rob and the cab driver take a look at the smoking engine. Not a good sign. The Underdogs begin to catch up. Rob sings a chorus of Poor Us, We're Out of It, which he pretty much does every single week now. Shut up, Rob.

Commercials. Can ghosts really get the flu?

The Underdogs drive. Lyn and Karlyn carp about Godwin driving slowly, and again, do your own work, and again, I sort of feel them on it. They pull over to get directions. Lyn and Karlyn fume some more. This will occur about sixty kabillion times. RoKi gets a replacement car, and we hear about the no-time-credit rule again. They get going. They're lucky the cab driver stuck with them through all of that. The Underdogs get going again. Rob immediately has trouble with his clutch, so maybe it's not that cars have it in for RoKi; he just sucks at stick shift. The Prom Court arrives at the apartment building. They thank the guide and run in. Both teams get the clue at about the same time. Detour! Make the Music or Find the Music. In Make the Music, teams have to travel three miles to a hip hop club. Once there, they have to write a rap song that incorporates the names of all of the countries they've visited. After performing it for a crowd, the top rap artist of Kiev (hehe) will give them their next clue. In Find the Music, teams go 2.5 miles to the National Music Academy. Once there, they have to search through several stacks of sheet music to find the piano part to Tchaikovsky's Concert Fantasy. Then they must search the conservatory for one of the pianists awaiting music. Once the musician plays the music, they'll hand over the next clue.

Good Detour! The Prom Court finally splits apart, as KanDustin heads for Make the Music, and Tyler and James head for Find the Music. Underdogs. Stop. Directions. Fuming. KanDustin looks for someone young and hip to ask for directions to the hip hop club. The lady they approach knows exactly where it is. The Prom Court arrives at their Detour destinations at about the same time. KanDustin is pointed towards a pile of clothing, and there's an honest-to-God dollar sign bling necklace on the pile. Hehehe. Tyler and James have costumes of their own, as they are told to get dressed in tuxedos. KanDustin settles down with their Fresh Prince of Bel Air clothing and begins to write their rap. Tyler and James begin to look through the sheet music (after telling each other how sexy they look, of course). RoKi finds the apartment. I guess their car breakdown didn't take too long. They head for Make the Music. What's funny is that as they leave, Kimberly says, with dead seriousness, "Babe, I wanna go ask these people, cause they look hip." Hah! Indeed, it is a very happening couple. Underdogs. Stop. Directions. Fuming. Lyn and Karlyn have had enough. They break off, and head out on their own. And with that, the Underdog Alliance is officially dead.

Commercials. People go online to find videos that they're interested in. But they don't show anyone looking for the videos they really want to see. You know the ones I mean.

Erwin and Godwin decide to follow Lyn and Karlyn. I really have no idea why, because it's not like they have any different directions. James finds the sheet music, and they begin searching practice rooms. KanDustin finishes writing their rap. James and Tyler find one of the waiting pianists. KanDustin begins performing their rap, and this is funniest task I've ever seen on this show. The pianist plays. KanDustin raps. A sample lyric: "Kuwait. Heat. And we carried some bags. By the time it was over, we looked like hags." Hahahaha! More intercuts between them cutting loose at the club, and James and Tyler rocking out with their pianist. It appears that the Prom Court gets their clues at the same time. It directs them to the pitstop, the Great Patriotic War Museum, only a couple of miles away. It's a very cool-looking park, with several impressive statues celebrating victory in World War II. Both teams have to get changed before leaving, and we end the scene on a hilarious shot of a bouncer, apparently keeping the troublemakers out of a club preset with people in the middle of the day.

In the car on the way to the club, Kimberly works on the rap. She doesn't much care what it says as long as it rhymes. Erwin and Godwin stick behind Lyn and Karlyn, and Karlyn says something about how the Chos need to learn how to run their own race. That would be jaw-droppingly asinine if I thought she really said that here. But it sounded like that quote was imported from another interview, so I'm inclined to let it go. The Prom Court heads for the pitstop. The hip-happenin' couple leads RoKi to the club. Thanks, cute couple! The Underdogs pull up to the apartment building, and get the clue at the same time. They both want to do Make the Music. Speaking of which, RoKi is dressed up in their tragic hip hop clothing, busting their rap out. It's actually not bad. Lyn arranges to follow someone to the club. Erwin and Godwin, who have been standing around this whole time, refuse to follow them, saying they have "too much pride" to stoop to such a tactic. RoKi finishes, gets their clue, changes, and runs back out, where the cute couple is patiently waiting. They agree to ride with RoKi and show them the way.

The Prom Court approaches the pitstop. And coming into the mat first is... James and Tyler. Welcome, you are team number one. The greeter is awesome, by the way. They celebrate, and win a trip to Mexico. Karlyn finishes her rap in the car. She's quite pleased with it, only hoping that they don't come off looking like complete idiots. You'll never guess where Erwin and Godwin are. They're lost. Yep, I'm shocked too. KanDustin checks in as team number two. Phil reminds them that an all-female team has never won the race. Dustin says that nothing will stop them. Here's hoping. Erwin and Godwin give up on finding the club, and ask where the conservatory is. Lyn and Karlyn arrive at the club. RoKi checks in as team number three. They're relieved. Erwin and Godwin get dressed in their tuxedos. Lyn and Karlyn emerge in their hilarious rap clothes. Lyn even does the Too Cool For School head bobble. Awesome. They have a ball with their rap, and they're fun to watch when they're actually enjoying the race, rather than pissing and moaning about everything. Erwin and Godwin find sheet music. Lyn and Karlyn rap. Erwin and Godwin look for a pianist. Lyn and Karlyn rap. The crowd is eating it up. Erwin and Godwin find someone to play the piece. Lyn and Karlyn finish up and get their clue. It appears that the Underdogs get their clue at about the same time, but I think that's an editing trick.

Lyn and Karlyn find someone to lead them to the pitstop. Erwin and Godwin just take off driving, because that works so well for them. Karlyn says that she hates to say it, but hopes that Erwin and Godwin are lost. Well, they're worse than lost. They have driven onto a street that's closed off to traffic for pedestrians. That's not something any local law enforcement is going to take lightly, and the Kiev police are no exception. They get pulled over, and are asked to get out of the car. Lyn and Karlyn drive. Erwin and Godwin are asked to show their documents. Well, that's that, unless Lyn and Karlyn are hit by a meteor. They're not, and they check in as team number four. Erwin and Godwin are free to go. The sun sets. They arrive at the pitstop, step onto the mat, and are eliminated. In their final interview, they say they have no regrets with the way they ran the race. They know they probably made a lot of mistakes, but wanted to play in such a way that they could wake up the next morning and still feel good about themselves. That's very sweet. And I feel that they've accomplished that. I happen to think that they could have played a lot better, and still not have compromised their integrity, but they seem like good eggs.

Next week on The Amazing Race: James freaks out during a chaotic chariot ride. The hated Yield makes an appearance, and if Lyn and Karlyn are able to Yield KanDustin right out of the competition, I will be apoplectic.

Overall Grade: B+

Being Polite Sucks Sometimes

The Amazing Race - Season 10, Episode 9

Previously on The Amazing Race: Pure awesomeness. The teams raced from Mauritius to Madagascar, where they were forced to work together, even though there was only one team not in an alliance by that point anyway. That team? KanDustin, who tore through the leg and beat the Fast Forward teams to take first place. The Plastics and the Bottom Feeders struggled, and David and Mary got an emotional, yet overdue elimination. Five teams remain. Who will be eliminated next?

Opening credits. Lyn and Karlyn try to break up a fight. I can't imagine where those kids picked up the habit of arguing about everything.

Antananarivo, Madagascar. Phil doesn't even attempt to pronounce the city's name again. KanDustin is off the mat first at 2:56 AM. Their clue tells them to fly to Helsinki, Finland. Cool! I'd love to go there. Especially after reading all those "Finland is the best place in the world to live" articles. Once in Helsinki, they have to find a coffee house, log onto a marked computer, and AAAAAAAARRRRRGH! Product placement task! I hate product placement tasks. Isn't it enough that we see commercials spread throughout the episode and that the first place team wins a product-placed prize? The worst thing about these tasks (apart from the blatant insult to the audience's intelligence) is that they never have anything to do with the background/culture/history of the country. I can wander down to a coffee shop and check my e-mail here. Anyway, there is one piece of good news, and that is that ignoring most of the aspects of a product-placed task means we can tear right through that segment, which means it won't take as long to get to those Toll House cookies LabRat left in my freezer.

Phil says that flights out of Madagascar are limited, so teams are being provided tickets to Paris, where they'll need to make their own arrangements to get to Helsinki. Nobody is obligated to use the Paris tickets, but they're available. Dustin interviews that a lot of the teams think KanDustin has it easy, and that things are handed to them, but that they really work hard to win. I'm with ya, Dustin! They see that the tickets to Paris aren't until 9:40 PM, which is a ridiculously long time to wait. Dustin asks if Finland is the place with the wooden shoes. Sigh. I wish she'd stop saying things like that so I can feel better about rooting for them. Tyler and James leave at 3:08 AM. Tyler says that him bossing James around comes from "a loving place". I'll bet. RoKi leaves the mat at 3:14 AM. Rob says that their strategy is to get to the pitstop as quickly as possible. Wow, good thinking. Maybe he should write a book. He says that RoKi has a bond with James and Tyler that they don't want to break, but that KanDustin isn't "part of their group". I'm sure KanDustin is crying into their pillows at night about that. Erwin and Godwin leave the mat at 3:24 AM, and let us know that teams are receiving $265 for this leg. Plenty of cab money for everyone! Duke and Lauren are watching this somewhere and spitting at the screen. Godwin says that they'll be running this leg "in memory" of David and Mary. Erwin steps on what would have been my next remark by pointing out that it's not like David and Mary are dead. In fact, they're doing quite nicely, thanks to Rosie O'Donnell.

KanDustin pulls up to the airport. They begin trying to find better tickets to "Helinski". Sigh. Stop it! I want to root for you unfettered! Stop doing and saying things that make me have to defend you! Tyler and James arrive and sarcastically ask if KanDustin doesn't want to wait until 9:40 tonight to leave. Tyler interviews that they have a weird relationship with KanDustin, in which they sometimes help each other, but know that there will be some backstabbing at some point. RoKi arrives. Rob points a line of people out to everyone, and says that there's a flight getting ready to leave right now. He doesn't even know where it's going; just that it's leaving. The agent tells them that it's going to Johannesburg at 5:00 AM. Kandice asks if there's a quicker flight to Finland out of Johannesburg. As she's doing this, Erwin and Godwin arrive. The agent tells the group that the Johannesburg flight connects through Frankfurt, and gets into Helsinki at 10:20 AM. Nice job, folks. Of course, they immediately ruin it by bragging that there's no way Lyn and Karlyn will be able to make the flight. Jeez, what could possibly happen now?

Lyn and Karlyn leave the mat at 3:55 AM. Karlyn is wearing David's ballcap. Aw. Lyn says that although Erwin and Godwin had to work with KanDustin on the last leg, they still have an alliance. Of course, everyone's still in the race to win it. This has been pounded into our skulls a trillion times, and I'm tired of typing the whole thing out. From now on, "We have an alliance with so-and-so, but we know that at some point, we have to try and win this for ourselves (Optional Addendum: No hard feelings)" is simply going to be referred to as Underdogs' Law. Everyone at the airport buys tickets. Lyn and Karlyn arrive as Erwin and Godwin head for their flight, and they discuss the tickets. Erwin and Godwin say that there's pretty much no way Lyn and Karlyn are going to get the same tickets (sigh...#2). Indeed, the ticket agent tells them that check-in is closed now. The other teams board the flight. Kimberly says that Lyn and Karlyn won't make it (#3). Lyn and Karlyn are trying to beg their way on, but the agent (thinking there must be some sort of language barrier problem) makes a plane-taking-off hand gesture. Nice touch, agent.

KanDustin says that Lyn and Karlyn won't make it (#4). The agent calls over some sort of manager, who tells Lyn and Karlyn that they can't get on because there aren't meals for them. Lyn and Karlyn say that they don't care about the meals, just the tickets. The manager relents, and the agent begins preparing tickets. Karlyn tells the camera how appreciative she is that the airline is being so cooperative. She bounces up and down with excitement and nervous energy. Heh. So OF COURSE they make the flight, and I'm sure that was wonderfully surprising to people who have never seen this show, people who have never seen a reality show in their lives, people who don't own televisions, or people who have just come out of cryogenic chambers. As for the rest of us? Yawn. They board. Erwin playfully tries to steal Karlyn's hat. The plane takes off. We trace the journey, which has a stopoff in Addis Ababa as well as Frankfurt. I have no idea why the former was never mentioned.

Helsinki, Finland. Everyone rushes out of the airport and grabs taxis. RoKi bickers, so no news there. Erwin and Godwin's taxi passes Lyn and Karlyn's. Underdogs' Law. Lyn says that KanDustin is doing so well because they run out of airports with their boobs hanging out, so they get attention. Karlyn agrees that it's unfair that they get ahead because of their looks. What a remarkably stupid comment. Interesting point they've got there. I suppose KanDustin couldn't possibly be ahead because they respond to disaster well, or because they work efficiently, or because they're able to intuit information that they've lost, or because they are able to work through a challenging task instead of immediately giving up, or any other actual skills. Nope, they've gotten through this based on blonde hair, big boobs, and straight teeth. Shut the fuck up, Lyn and Karlyn.

Tyler and James pass KanDustin. Both teams peg the other as the biggest competition. Heh. Poor, ignored RoKi. Tyler and James run into the cafe with a miniscule lead. Stupid product placement task. Here's the gist. Log onto a computer. Get a video message from home. When the message is over, the owner of the cafe will give them the next clue. Erwin and Godwin arrive. Tyler/James and KanDustin finish and get the clue. It tells them to travel 125 miles by train and taxi to the town of Tampere, and... Oof. Find a school called Soppeenharjun Koulu. Difficult location names seems to be a light motif for this season. The next cluebox will be on the school's grounds. The train station is a kilometer away, so both lead teams take off jogging. Erwin and Godwin finish listening to their message, and get their clue, just as Lyn and Karlyn arrive. RoKi isn't far behind. Lyn and Karlyn burst into tears upon seeing their children. They get their clue. RoKi listens to their message. They get their clue.

KanDustin and Tyler/James buy train tickets. Erwin and Godwin have wandered in the wrong direction. RoKi takes no chances, getting a taxi to the nearby train station. As they pass Erwin and Godwin, Godwin tries to hail the very cab that they're in. Heh. Lyn and Karlyn manage to get directions from a local, even though they're not blonde and throwing their boobs everywhere! Wow, how'd they manage that? All three of the trailing teams get to the train station at about the same time, and all five teams wind up on the same train. On the train, Karlyn talks about the sacrifice she's made by coming on the show. Yeah, it's times like these that I wish the American government would stop kidnapping people from their homes and forcing them to be on television. Tyler applies moisturizer to his face, making KanDustin giggle. Kandice says she actually relies on Tyler for nail clippers and conditioner. Hehehe. She interviews that when the two teams are together, they have an uneasy truce, but if they're given the chance to run ahead, they'll take it.

The train arrives in Tampere. First out of the station are KanDustin and Tyler and James, who are running and grab the only two available taxis. By the time the other teams wander out of the station, a line has formed for cabs. RoKi begs the people waiting to jump ahead of them, which is fair. Rob is actually down on one knee. Nobody can stand that kind of pressure, and the locals reluctantly allow RoKi to cut the line "this time". Heh. I like how the next time RoKi tries to cut the taxi line, they can just forget it. Erwin and Godwin get into line. Lyn heads for the line as well, and Karlyn says "Forget the line. Let's jump." Again, trying to jump the line when you're in a race for a million dollars is fine. RoKi appealed to the people who had the right to go next. Lyn and Karlyn aren't worried with such trifles. They just park themselves right in front of everyone and start waving at taxis. The guy at the front points out that, hi, there's a line (well, he omits the "hi" and calls the line a "queue", but you get the idea). When a taxi arrives, the man at the front tries to take it and Lyn and Karlyn actively cut him off and get in. Lyn thanks him as if he allowed them this liberty, which he didn't. So once again, we have a shining example of this very curious morality of Lyn and Karlyn's, which allows them to cut a line, but jumping over them in a line should cause people to "examine their conscience". Whatever, bitches. Still in line, Godwin spouts the titular quote. It's true, and you just have to weigh the benefit against the rudeness. I actually don't dislike Lyn and Karlyn for stealing some poor guy's cab. For a million dollars? I'd do it, too. I'd feel bad about it, but it's worth his anger and temporary inconvenience for a chance to get ahead. What pisses me off about Lyn and Karlyn is that they feel they're perfectly entitled to act like this, but nobody else is. Rudeness can sometimes be justified. Being a raging hypocrite cannot.

Commercials. Nice try, but debit cards are not faster than cash. Ever.

Erwin and Godwin are frustrated as they wait out the taxi line. KanDustin arrives at the school. Tyler and James aren't far behind. There's a mini-race to the cluebox, but their open their clues at about the same time. Detour! Swamp This or Swamp That. As Phil introduces the Detour, he stands waist-deep in a mud bog while wearing waders. An enthusiastic gentleman leaps into the mud next to him. Splat. Hehehe. In Swamp This, teams strap on some cross-country skis, and walk a one-mile course through a muddy field. In Swamp That, teams have to go through an equally muddy obstacle course. No skis are involved, but they have to climb, crawl, carry each other, and run. Another enthusiastic gentleman (or perhaps even the same one) crawls past Phil as he warns that teams could get sucked into the wet ground. I'd love to see that happen. KanDustin heads for Swamp This, while Tyler and James opt for Swamp That.

Erwin and Godwin are still in line. They finally get a taxi. RoKi arrives at a school. Rob points out that they should see other taxis, but Kimberly urges them out of the cab, because she sees kids. Sure, why would kids be at any school except the one they're headed for? Lyn and Karlyn arrive at the cluebox. The idea of carrying each other through the mud does not appeal to them, and they head for Swamp This. RoKi figures out that they're at the wrong school, and get directions. Tyler and James leap into their obstacle course as KanDustin starts to strap on their skis. They spot the arriving Lyn and Karlyn and refer to them as the "Sistas". Uh, no. If they were friends with Lyn and Karlyn, I could see how faux ghetto-speak could be construed as an inside joke. They're not, so it just sounds plain racist. I really want you to win this race, KanDustin! Stop making it so difficult for me! Merry oompah music kicks in as KanDustin starts the course. Lyn and Karlyn are right on their tails. Unfortunately, this Detour is really boring, so there's not much to say except "and then so-and-so falls in some mud".

Erwin and Godwin and RoKi arrive at the school at about the same time. Tyler and James crawl through mud. KanDustin walks. Lyn and Karlyn walk. Tyler and James splat into a mud hole. James gets stuck and has to have Tyler come pull him out. Of course he does. If it's not eating whale intestines or something, James is useless. Both RoKi and Erwin and Godwin choose Swamp That. KanDustin has to take off their skis, climb over a wooden structure, jump into the mud, then put the skis back on. Yeesh, that sounds time-consuming. Dustin lands in the mud on her ass, and laments that it'll look like she pooped her pants. Heh. Kandice manages a more graceful jump, sinking up to her ankles in mud. Ick. Lyn and Karlyn stumble along slowly. It's so unfair that KanDustin is getting through the course faster by being pretty. Tyler and James are at the carry section, and I'm just going to go ahead and have you guess who carries whom. You'll be right. KanDustin spots the lagging teams, so that taxi line can't have taken too long. RoKi and Erwin/Godwin sprint into the mud bog. They can't sprint for long. Splat! Tyler and James switch places, so James is contributing something now. Hooray for him. Lyn and Karlyn climb over the wooden structure.

And then so-and-so falls in some mud. Repeat forty times. Rob carries Kimberly. Godwin carries Erwin. And then so-and-so falls in some mud. Tyler and James finish up and narrowly beat KanDustin to the cluebox. Their clue tells them to take a train more than a hundred miles to the city of Turku. Once there, they choose a marked car and drive themselves another 78 miles to the town of Lohja. Once in Lohja, they have to find the Tytyrin (hee...I said Tytyrin) Limestone Mine, and take a tram to the bottom, where the next cluebox awaits. Back at the taxis, Tyler and James open their bags and begin to change clothing. KanDustin catches up and jumps in the cab as-is. Tyler says they may have made a mistake by changing, and KanDustin laughs at the "pretty boys" in their cab. Yeah, it's fun to be all "Tyler and James are so concerned with image that they had to freshen up before going to the station! Tee hee!", but keep in mind that they got a lot dirtier during that Detour. RoKi, Lyn/Karlyn, and Erwin/Godwin get their clues in that order and pretty close together. In the cab, Rob says that it was easier to carry Kimberly through the mud than he thought it would be. "Why, you think I'm fat?" Kimberly asks, and I'm 90% sure that she was kidding, so I'll toss her a hehehehe.

Exciting music masks a routine trip to the train station. KanDustin and Tyler/James get to the station a few minutes before the next train to Turku is scheduled to leave. They hurriedly buy tickets. RoKi arrives at the station. KanDustin/Tyler/James board. RoKi buys tickets. James jokes to Tyler that he can just picture RoKi running and yelling "STOP THE TRAIN!". Smash cut to RoKi running, and Rob yelling "HOLD THE TRAIN!". Hahahahaha! Nice. RoKi arrives to see the train pulling away, so they just missed it. Ouch.

Commercials. Watch this new medical drama on CBS! We swear it's not a cheap knockoff of Grey's Anatomy!

Rob is naturally pissed about missing the train by such a tiny margin. Kimberly points out that they'll just get the next one. "Just let me have my moment," Rob pisses. "Have it," Kimberly says as she wanders away. The Underdogs catch up, and the next train doesn't leave for another hour. On the lead train, Tyler and James ask a local about the mine, while KanDustin works out the way to Lohja on a map. The lagging teams board the train. The Underdogs find a man on the train who actually works for the mining company, which they rejoice over. The lead train arrives in Turku, and the teams hop in their cars and go. KanDustin is right behind Tyler and James. James accuses them of being followers. Shot of Kandice consulting her map -- another nice burn by the editors. Tyler calls KanDustin "crafty". RoKi gets some confusing directions to Lohja (Kimberly pronounces it as you would La Jolla) from a man on the train. They make their way elsewhere on the train, coldly excusing themselves through a knot of Underdogs. Interviews boiling down to the fact that they hate each other.

The two lead teams arrive at the mine and circle around, looking for the place they need to be. Tyler and James spot the marked entrance, but KanDustin misses it. Tyler and James hop into a tram as KanDustin gets set straight by a nearby worker. James smarms over KanDustin missing the entrance, as if he hasn't navigated his way into last place about a zillion times. They ride down. The tram worker tells KanDustin they have to wait a few minutes for the tram to return. The second train arrives in Turku. RoKi runs to their car and peels out, hoping to get away before other teams can follow them. Why is it the horrible navigators who always worry about being followed? RoKi gets lost almost as often as Tyler and James. The Underdogs leave. Underdogs' Law.

Tyler and James reach the bottom of the mine and rip the clue. Roadblock! "Who's ready for a 'minor' inconvenience"? Phil tells us that in this Roadblock, the chosen team member has to ride a bicycle down a steep incline within the mine for more than a mile. Once at the bottom, they'll spot a marked pile of limestone. They have to attach one of the stones to the bike, come back up, and use mining tools (like a hammer and chisel) to break open the stone. The next clue will be inside. James has "been waiting" to do some Roadblocks, and is anxious for the chance to "step up". Yes, please. As it stands now, if they win the million-dollar prize, James deserves about twenty bucks. He starts riding down. The tram comes back for KanDustin. The lagging teams spot the sign of Lohja. James straps the stone to his bike. KanDustin reaches the cluebox, and Kandice takes the Roadblock. A mine worker hands her a bike helmet, and she asks if she's supposed to put it on top of the hardhat she's already wearing. Sigh. She immediately hears herself and rolls her eyes. Tyler laughs at her. She begins coasting down. James is walking his bike up. Yeah, there's no way I'd be able to ride a mile on that steep of an incline. Dustin and Tyler joke that their teammates are probably down in the mine making out. Hehe.

Kandice passes James going the other way. She asks if he walked the whole way, and he tells her that riding down is easy, but coming back up "is a bitch". And how. He makes it back to the top, puts on some safety goggles, and gets to chiseling. Kandice straps her stone onto the bike. James splits the stone and pulls the clue out. This is where we expect a "make your way to the pitstop" clue, but it just says to go to the Olympic stadium in Helsinki, which is about forty miles away. Bleh. I can see what's coming. Tyler and James prepare to leave, and Dustin gives Tyler a high five. I like the relationship between these two teams. They know they're trying to beat each other, but don't take everything as a personal affront, Lyn and Karlyn. Kandice reaches the top, and it appears like she may have made up some time on James. She chisels her stone open, and gets the clue. Tyler and James celebrate over inevitably coming in first place, while KanDustin bemoans losing to them. I can't fathom why the fact that a pitstop wasn't mentioned in the clue isn't pinging their radar, but they're in race mode, so whatever.

The lagging teams arrive at the mine. Rob immediately splits off in the wrong direction, while Karlyn spots the marked entrance. Erwin and Godwin follow them into the mine entrance. Rob approaches what he thinks is the right way to go, but it turns out to be a tunnel entrance into the mine. Yeah, don't drive into that. They back out. The Underdogs cheer about David as they take the tram down into the mine. RoKi circles around aimlessly as Rob sings a chorus of the ever-popular song, "Poor Us, We're Out Of It".

Commercials. Tomato soup sure is good. And it's perfect weather for it right now. That said, it's really not as exciting as these people would have us believe.

RoKi circles back around and spots the other cars, which appears to be the only reason they find the tram. They have to wait for it to come back up. The lead teams drive. The Underdogs rip the clue. Godwin and Karlyn take the Roadblock. They begin riding down. RoKi rides the tram. They reach the cluebox, and Rob takes the Roadblock. Other people sort of coasted down the incline, but he's actively pedaling. It looks kind of dangerous. That thing is really steep. Godwin invokes Dave's name for help. Again. David. Not dead. Godwin and Karlyn reach the stones, and strap them on. Rob is catching up. Godwin starts riding back up the incline, which is pretty damn impressive. Karlyn doesn't even pretend to be able to do that, although she is making an effort to jog quickly. She tells Godwin to go on ahead. Rob straps the stone onto his bike, and yells that he's "comin' for" the Underdogs.

Tyler and James arrive at the stadium, and run in. Hey, remember that small, marked entrance at the mine that they giddily laughed over KanDustin missing? Turns out there's a small, marked entrance at the stadium, too. And they've run right past it. Hehe. KanDustin calls Lyn and Karlyn the "Sistas" again. Arrrgh, stop that! They want Lyn and Karlyn to be eliminated today. Eh, I'd prefer someone who actually had a shot of beating me to be eliminated, but who am I to stand in the way of someone's seething enmity? Godwin has given up riding, and is walking his bicycle up. Karlyn struggles along behind. Rob is running up with his bike alongside, shrieking like an extra in Braveheart. Godwin is first to the top. Rob passes Karlyn. More shrieking. Everyone chisels. Godwin gets the clue first. Then Rob. Then Karlyn. All three teams share a tram up. Tyler and James walk around the stadium, looking for a clue. KanDustin has to stop for directions. They ask a local to lead them to the stadium. The lagging teams get into their cars, and head for the "pitstop". James and Tyler come back out of the stadium and spot the marked entrance, and the cluebox inside. The clue tells them to make their way to the top of the tower they're standing in.

KanDustin bemoans that Finnish drivers don't turn right on red. At the top of the tower, a man is telling Tyler and James that they will be rappelling down face first. Yikes. Tyler goes first. He slowly, but competently starts making his way down. James is freaking out. KanDustin arrives and thanks their guide. They spot the flag. Tyler finishes. On the ground, he says that James is afraid of heights, but knew he'd have to conquer that fear on the race. He says it's a shame that it had to happen when they're in first, but knows that James won't let him down. Thanks, coach. KanDustin gets the tower clue. The lagging teams drive. There's a little following/tailgating pissing match. James starts his rappel. He's clearly terrified, and not leaning all the way forward as he should. Tyler calls up encouragement. James' feet come off the wall, and he essentially begins falling down the rope in little spurts before catching himself. The lagging teams arrive at the stadium. They park and begin running like merry hell. The Underdogs find the marked entrance immediately, whereas RoKi runs off in the wrong direction. Isn't that, like, the third time they've done that today? James finishes the rappel. RoKi runs around like chickens with their heads cut off. James and Tyler rip the clue. "Keep racing." I'm sorry. It's actually "KEEP RACING!!!". Bleh. Rob screams for Kimberly. Tyler and James sigh that the leg's not over. Indeed, it isn't, and I wonder why CBS doesn't realize how freaking anticlimactic and boring it is to have an episode with no pitstop at the end.

Next week on The Amazing Race: Tanks. Underdogs' Law.

Overall Grade: C+

He Can't Swim, But He Can Eat Cow Lips!

The Amazing Race - Season 10, Episode 8

Previously on The Amazing Race: Six teams gladly left the deserts of Kuwait behind for the beautiful, yet unfamiliar shores of Mauritius. Dustin and Kandice smashed up their car, but didn't make a series of dumbass plays like a bunch of other teams, giving them the edge to come in first place. The Underdogs stuck together...and came in the last three places. Heartwarming! David and Mary brought up the rear, and were AGAIN spared elimination. Six teams still remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?

Opening credits. Nice little orgasmic eye roll Tom gives there. That must be some damn fine ice cream.

Cheerful tropical music brings us back to Mauritius, and we get a series of beautiful establishing shots. After Phil's Opening Blather, we join KanDustin, leaving the mat first at 3:00 AM. Their clue tells them to fly to Anablahblahblah, Madagascar, about 700 miles away. Some subtitles would be helpful, show. I'll go look it up. Here we go. Fly to Antananarivo. Once there, they must find the Black Angel, a statue that the teams do not know has recently been painted white. Evil. I like it. KanDustin checks their clue to see if it says anything about sticking with their old cars, which it doesn't. So they yoink one that doesn't have a smashed fender. They talk about how the other teams won't like them for it, but they don't need an alliance, and blah blah we heard this last week. Tyler and James leave the mat at 3:05 AM. I don't see how they made up that much time on KanDustin at last week's Detour, but whatever. Tyler interviews that James is "passive" (read: incompetent), so he has to step up and take the "dominant" role (read: "if I don't do everything, we'll wind up in Helena, Montana instead of Madagascar"). James points out the route to the airport on the map, saying it couldn't be easier. He interviews that he wants to pull his weight on his team, even as Tyler finds that the route James has pointed out to the airport isn't so much to the airport at all. Snerk.

They wait by the cars for RoKi, who are leaving the mat at 3:09 AM. Rob heads for the smashed car, but Kimberly wants to take a different one. I really don't know why the show (and the contestants) are making such a big deal out of this. It's a smashed fender. Nobody let the air out of the tires. There isn't sugar in the gas tank. It's already been proven to run fine. Jeez. RoKi interviews that they're trying to work on communicating without fighting all the time. They think they're getting better at it. Eh, I wouldn't say that after last week, but I will give them credit for not holding grudges. They get over their fights really quickly. Tyler consults with Rob about the way to the airport, which turns out to be pretty much the complete opposite of what James has said. Tyler hops in his car and rather mildly tells James to "fine tune" his navigation skills. I'm thinking he needs a complete overhaul. They interview that they didn't really want to make an alliance, but were forced into it by the Underdogs. Er...why? The Underdogs seem to be pretty effectively shooting themselves in the feet lately. Why pick now to be threatened by them?

Erwin and Godwin leave the mat at 4:04 AM, and let us know that the teams only have $10 for this leg. They hang around to wait for the rest of the Underdogs. Lyn and Karlyn leave the mat at 4:05 AM. They're not happy to see that KanDustin has yoinked their car, saying they hope it's "jacked up". Yeah, it's wrong to take someone else's car. Not that that stops Lyn and Karlyn from doing so. I don't really dislike Lyn and Karlyn, but their sense of morality (specifically Karlyn's) is really the only thing that's "jacked up" around here. David and Mary are allowed to ask locals for help, but KanDustin is not. Karlyn shoving KanDustin away from a local is acceptable, but KanDustin trying to skip Karlyn in a line is pure evil. If Karlyn parents the way she races, her kid's going to be a total Monique when she grows up.

David and Mary leave the mat last at 4:08 AM. They are marked for elimination again, which means if they don't come in first place, they incur a thirty-minute penalty. Erwin interviews that he and Godwin are trying to strike a balance between sticking with the Underdogs, and not being eliminated. It's sweet, but pretty impractical by this point. He and Godwin are the ones to wind up with KanDustin's smashed car, not that this will be a detriment in any way, shape, or form. The Underdogs convoy to the airport. Mary interviews about their possible penalty, saying that they're not giving up. That's some impressive short-term memory loss. I like David and Mary in general, and am thrilled that they got cast. That said, it's their time to go. And to be honest, after the bullshit quitting move they pulled last week, I won't be satisfied with anyone but them being eliminated this week. On the way to the airport, Lyn and Karlyn split off, thinking they have a better way to go. More blah about "we like them, but it's a race", and I think you can consider that theme sufficiently understood, show.

Very exciting music. Something thrilling must be about to happen. KanDustin pulls up to the airport. Hmm. Not what I'd consider thrilling. Karlyn crabs some more about KanDustin taking their car, even as she rides in the one she's taken. Tyler/James/RoKi arrive at the airport, and there's even more talk about the "stolen" car. Gah! It runs fine! It doesn't matter! All of you shut up! Since Tyler, James, and RoKi are all sticking together now, and because combined, the four of them use up more hair gel and Crest Whitestrips than the entire population of New England, they can be the Plastic Alliance. KanDustin finds a direct flight to Madagascar at 11:00 AM. They book it. The Plastics get the same tickets. As do the Underdogs. So again, everyone's on the same flight, but they managed to get tickets without devolving into a pissy bitchfest this week. Yay! Somehow, catching up at the airport convinces David and Mary how strong their alliance is. Um, I think the flight schedule kind of did that, guys. Not the Underdogs. David crabs at Mary about sitting in a window seat. She crabs back. Yawn.

Antananarivo, Madagascar. Let's hope I never have to send mail there. An envelope only has so much room. Locals dance around and carry buckets of water on their heads. Less traditional is the very functional airport at which the teams are arriving. Seriously, that thing looks nicer than our airport. Everyone hops into cabs and asks their drivers to head for the Black Angel. Karlyn refers to herself as the Black Angel and laughs, which I would have found funny and charming if I weren't kind of pissed at her right now. The Underdogs all get out ahead, and KanDustin interviews that they know they need to be on the ball today. In their cab, Kimberly asks Rob to confirm that breathing in all this exhaust is unhealthy. She wonders how the people in Madagascar put up with it. He tells her they die a lot younger than Americans, also partly because they don't get enough protein. I didn't notice it on first viewing, but that's a total foreshadowing burn on RoKi. Hahahaha. Awesome, editors.

David and Mary approach the lake where the Black Angel stands. They see the statue, but since it's not black, shoot right on by. As do the rest of the Underdogs. So I guess the taxi drivers don't know, either? You'd think the news of a local landmark being painted a different color (especially if color is part of its name) would be pretty widespread. Tyler and James pass KanDustin. The Underdogs are heading the wrong way by this point. KanDustin and the Plastics spot the angel, and though they can see it's white, figure that it must be the place. Yeah, I don't know how many statues of angels in lakes one city is really going to have, so smart thinking on their parts. Everyone pays their drivers and runs for the cluebox, which appears to be a Yield from a distance. Boo! I hate the Yield. But wait! It's not a Yield, after all. It's a new twist called an Intersection. The Intersection forces teams to pair up to complete tasks as a group until further notice. Oh, that rocks. That's much, much better than the Yield. The Plastics are the first two teams to the box, and they naturally join forces, which leaves KanDustin stranded. They'll have to wait for the Underdogs, and pair up with one of them. Hehehehe.

The cluebox also contains the last Fast Forward, which will allow the joined teams to skip all the remaining tasks of the leg. The Plastics figure that since they're ahead, they may as well take it. I don't know how they know they're ahead, but whatever. In this Fast Forward, the two teams make their way two and half miles to a market, and find a marked stall. Once there, each of the four people will have to eat a plate of cow lips. Once they're all done, they can go to the pitstop. The Plastics take off, leaving a dejected KanDustin behind.

Commercials. You know you're in Commercial Land when people trapped at a snowed-in airport are delighted to gather around some tacky crap that plays irritating Christmas music instead of smashing it to bits like any sane person would.

KanDustin deservedly worries that having to partner with an Underdog team could lead to their elimination. The Underdogs finally find their way to the lake and the angel. Although David/Mary and Lyn/Karlyn are first to the cluebox, KanDustin doesn't even attempt to pair up with either of them, knowing it would likely be a waste of time to ask. What's odd here is that Mary opens the Fast Forward clue, and seems interested in taking it. It's never explained if she's allowed to or not, but she'd better not be. David and Mary have used their Fast Forward. Joining with another team had better not be implied consent to do another one. KanDustin doesn't even wait for the approaching Erwin and Godwin to read their clue before exclaiming that they have to work together on the upcoming Detour. Long Sleep or Short Letter. In Long Sleep, teams go 2.2 miles to a market, where several foam mattresses are stacked. After pulling covers onto eight of them, they have to carry them one mile to a specific address. After delivering the eight mattresses, they'll get the next clue from the homeowner, who's about the cutest lady in the world. In Short Letter, teams have to go 3.5 miles to a paper-making station, and use traditional methods to produce and decorate 28 sheets of paper. Yowsa. So it's farther away and more intricate? Sounds like a no-brainer.

Mary is still dithering over the Fast Forward, while KanDustin and Erwin/Godwin race off to do Long Sleep. Either Kandice or Dustin is like "You guys are Asian, so you should be able to make paper! Hahahaha!" Erwin and Godwin are just like "Um..ha. Shut up". Rob interviews that "James, Tyler, Kimberly, and myself want to play the Fast Forward". I! Kimberly and I! Gah! In their van, Mary continues whining about the Fast Forward, and now I really want to know what the rule is. Oh, well. Instead, Lyn very intelligently explains to Mary that they don't want to head for the Fast Forward, only to find it taken and have to come back and do the Detour. Their only choice is to do the easier of the two Detour options, which is obviously Long Sleep. Mary accepts this. Meanwhile, KanDustin and Erwin and Godwin are agreeing that teaming up is pretty much win/win for these two teams. Yeah, I don't really see Lyn/Karlyn or David/Mary tearing up the pavement on either of these two Detours.

The Plastics arrive at the Fast Forward. As they run by the meat carts, Kimberly gets a knowing, unhappy look on her face. Aw. They reach the marked stall and find out that each of the four members has to eat a plate of cow lips. Heh, the plates that have the cow lip piles also have a pretty flower pattern on them. The Plastics begin eating, and any hope that cow lips just seem kinda gross goes right out the window. They really are that gross. They still have bits of hair and teeth embedded. Eeeeewwwwww. Kimberly's already gagging. Meanwhile, KanDustin is surmising that Erwin and Godwin are the leaders of the Underdogs, which they deny. KanDustin isn't fooled. The Bottom Feeders (Mary/David/Lyn/Karlyn) are all snottily congratulating themselves on not having to work with KanDustin. Yeah, working with the girls who consistently get a high placement would have sucked. Better to hang out with your slow-ass friends. Everyone arrives at the Detour, and starts to grab mattresses. The Plastics chew. Slowly. There's some talk of ditching to go back to the Detour, but Rob and James correctly figure that it's too late for that now. They're locked into the cow lips. Heh.

Back at the Detour, people are pulling hideous mattress covers onto their mattresses. Erwin and Godwin are glad that working with KanDustin is so efficient, but feel a little bad about competing against the other Underdogs. I almost wondered if Erwin and Godwin were going to intentionally sink themselves on this task, hoping to allow the others to get ahead of them, then try to outrun KanDustin to the mat later. It would have been dumb, but I wouldn't put a wacky scheme like that past the Chos. The Plastics have slowed down even more, to the point that they have to take little breaks between pieces of meat. David and Mary gripe at each other as they pull on mattress covers. KanDustCho is done, and gets the address for the mattress delivery. Erwin and Godwin send KanDustin out to get help, because they're so pretty and blonde and such. I'd put that on par with KanDustin's Asian crack, except the Chos have seen KanDustin work the crowd before. And it's not as if KanDustin is anxious to shed their "pretty girl" stereotype either. Anyway, Dustin flags someone down who's willing to help. The Bottom Feeders are still pulling their covers on when KanDustCho leaves, but manage to get going eventually. I believe that both groups have stupidly decided to leave their bags behind, I guess just hoping they aren't stolen while they're gone.

KanDustCho wends their way through the narrow streets with their mattresses, each team carrying four. The Bottom Feeders take a different approach, and use the straps of their fanny packs to bind all eight mattresses into one giant pile. The Plastics continue choking down their cow lips. James is the only one who's any good at it, and FINALLY! He can do something! Too bad "eat gross stuff" isn't a life skill that's liable to pay off very often. KanDustin has dropped two of their mattresses, but notice it pretty quickly. Well, I should hope so. It's not like dropping a penny. As they stop to pick them up, the guy who was leading them to the correct address is sprinting up ahead. I have no idea why he's not waiting. The Bottom Feeders have issues of their own, because did I mention the narrow streets? Not very conducive to carrying a gigantic pile of mattresses. There's a lot of "bro" going on with the Plastics. It doesn't speed them up. The Bottom Feeders can't lift their mattress pile over some cars! The Plastics can't choke down their cow lips! KanDustCho can't find their guide! Problems abound.

Commercials. L'Oreal has created a lipstick shade just for Eva Longoria. Peachy. Why tell the rest of us about it?

The Bottom Feeders' mattress pile falls apart. KanDustCho has lost their guide, but one of the girls somehow remembers the address, and is able to figure out which way to go from that. This is why I like KanDustin, despite their tendency to be overly smug. The Plastics eat cow lips. KanDustin's mattresses get stuck up on some wall, and they come up with the idea to temporarily abandon them, confirm the address, then come back and get them. That sounds awfully convoluted, but it could work to their advantage, I guess. And now, my favorite part of the episode begins, because the Plastics are starting to talk about how they don't really need to hurry at the cow lips, because the other teams have to get through a Detour and a Roadblock. No rush at all. Take your time, Plastics! KanDustCho finds the correct address, and runs back to get their mattresses. The Bottom Feeders drag their gigantic pile along. Mary has a lot of fun interacting with the local kids, telling one of them to push her back as "help". Aw. David isn't interested in kicking back with the locals. He wants to get going on these mattresses. KanDustCho delivers theirs, and the adorable homeowner hands over the next clue.

The clue tells them the partnership formed by the Intersection is now dissolved. Everyone has to travel four miles, and get to the... Ready? Tohotohobato Ambondrona Analakely. Good God, Madagascar. That's an impressive name for a staircase. KanDustCho (or more appropriately now, KanDustin and Erwin/Godwin) go back for their bags. The Bottom Feeders have walked too far with their mattresses and have to turn around. They're not called the Bottom Feeders for nothing. Cow lip eating. Rob tries to encourage Kimberly, and she (very mildly) tells him not to bother her with that right now. Instead of pulling a Peter and continuing to harangue her, he backs off. Yay! He interviews that they're learning when to push, and when to let the other person "experience" what they're going through. Right now, Kimberly's experiencing vomit. KanDustin makes it back to their bags first, and manage to get the first available taxi, because they were running instead of Erwin and Godwin, who are just strolling along. More blah from both teams that we've heard before (KanDustin: "We both benefited from that grouping" -- Erwin/Godwin: "Wah, we had to work against the Bottom Feeders"). Speaking of whom, they struggle along with their now separated mattresses.

Cow lip eating. The guys talk about it being a bonding experience, and Kimberly throws up again. There's something poetic in that. KanDustin worries about having fewer teams behind them, thanks to the double Fast Forward. Erwin and Godwin's cab breaks down, because it doesn't have enough gas in it. Some guys start pushing it towards a gas station. I'd wonder why the cab driver would take a fare with such an obviously low gas supply, but I've seen the rest of this episode. KanDustin reaches the staircase (don't make me type its name again!), and rips the clue. Roadblock! Phil explains that this staircase (and others like it) connect the upper and lower districts of the city. On the staircase are several vendors, some of whom sell rubber stamps. The Roadblocker will have to search among these vendors to find the four who carry specific stamps: a boat, a plane, a train, and a car. Once all four of the vendors have stamped the clue, the Roadblocker will make their way alone to the pitstop, the beautiful Cathedral Andohalo, where their partner will be waiting for them.

Dustin takes it on. Meanwhile, the Plastics continue bragging that once they're done, they can go right to the pitstop. Mwahahahaha! Erwin and Godwin get gas. The Bottom Feeders finally reach their address, which is different from the one KanDustCho went to. They get the clue that directs them to the staircase, and go back for their bags. Erwin and Godwin reach the staircase, but have trouble spotting the clue box. Dustin searches among the stamps. This is really freaking exciting. At the pitstop, Kandice arrives to wait. There are musicians and dancers in front of the cathedral. Phil dances along with the greeter a bit. Hehehe. Kandice decides to pass the time by dancing as well. I really love this episode. Dustin finds her car stamp. James finishes his cow lips. Go, Dustin, go! She passes Erwin and Godwin on the stairs, who ask her if she's got the clue. She says something indistinct, but they spot the clue in her hand, and know they've walked too far. They turn around. Dustin finds her boat stamp. Go, Dustin, go! Erwin and Godwin spot the clue box, and Godwin takes the Roadblock. The Bottom Feeders search for their bags. It'd serve them right if they'd been stolen.

Rob finishes his cow lips. Go, Dustin, go! The Bottom Feeders find their bags and get going. Dustin finds her airplane stamp. Godwin finds the airplane as well. Erwin arrives at the pitstop. He and Kandice banter a bit, but agree that they hope the Fast Forward sucked. They're in luck. Cow lip eating. No hurry at all. Dustin finds her final stamp. Yes! She rips her final clue. I have no idea where she got it from. A stamp vendor? A cameraman? And here we are at the part that ensured this episode gets an A. Tyler: "No team is going to finish a Detour and a Roadblock ahead of us." Rob: "We're going to be so far ahead of them." James: "Right now, they're probably plowing some field or something. Just sweating and hating life." Cut to Dustin heading for the pitstop, smiling and talking about how much she liked this challenge. Awesome. Go, Dustin, go! More Plastic bragging.

The Bottom Feeders are still heading for the staircase. Cow lip eating. Godwin finds his car stamp, and the boat one not long after that. Kimberly says she needs to take a breather. Rob's like "Sure, no problem!". No hurry at all. "We're going to have a good lead!" "We're golden! We're so golden!". Man, I love it. Kimberly barfs again.

Commercials. So if I eat Brooklyn-style pizza, will I be as annoying as the people in this ad? Because I kind of want to avoid that.

Replay of the almost appalling levels of Fate-tempting going on at the Plastics. Tyler finishes his cow lips. Oh, no! Go, Dustin, go! Shots of all the teams making various progress. Kimberly finishes her cow lips. The Plastics get their pitstop clue. Noooooo! Go, Dustin, go! The Plastics get into taxis. Rob gets a kiss from Kimberly, which, ew. She's just thrown up, like, four times. Tyler smarms that the other teams couldn't possibly be ahead, unless they "ran a miracle". Dustin's in her cab. Godwin gets his final stamp. Guess what? Dustin's cab needs gas. Nooooooo! She asks the driver to just get a little bit. David and Mary reach the staircase, and Mary takes the Roadblock. Lyn and Karlyn aren't far behind, and Lyn takes it. The Plastics ride. Dustin gets going again. Go, Dustin, go! And...Godwin's cab needs gas. Seriously, what's the scheme here? Do they get to keep the meter running while they gas up? Do cab drivers in Madagascar have to pay for fuel out-of-pocket, so they keep their levels low? I don't get it.

RoKi gets out of their cab, and finds someone willing to lead them to the cathedral. Auuuuugh! Go, Dustin, go! She rides. Tyler and James ride. RoKi runs. Someone approaches the pitstop. Who will it be? It... Is... Dustin! Yes! She and Kandice gleefully run towards the mat, and Erwin is frustrated. Did he really expect Godwin to overtake Dustin on the stamp-finding task? Welcome, KanDustin. You are team number one. Yay! They jump and celebrate, then win a trip to Hawaii. Whee! They hug Phil, who tells them that they've beaten the Fast Forward teams. They're thrilled, though that doesn't excuse the horrible stamp-related pun Kandice makes in their final interview.

Mary finds the airplane stamp. Tyler and James hit the mat as team number two, so these teams must be really close together. They seem subdued, but pleased. I was hoping their jaws would drop and they'd ask how someone beat them. Maybe they think it was RoKi. Mary's not going to change who she is to win a million dollars, and blah blah friends. RoKi checks in as team number three. Kimberly's like "I ate cow lips for three?". Mary finds her train stamp. Godwin arrives at the pitstop and he throws himself on his stomach in front of Phil, who recoils in disgust. "Am I safe?" Godwin asks. Insert slow clap here. They're team number four. Lyn finds her car stamp. David waits around at the pitstop. Mary finds her car stamp. Karlyn arrives at the pitstop, and says that they did the best they could to keep the Underdogs together, but accept that someone could be eliminated. Mary finds her final stamp, and heads for the pitstop. She cries on her way to the pitstop, because having interacted with the kids of Madagascar all day has made her miss her own.

Lyn searches. Mary rides. Lyn finds the boat stamp. Mary arrives at the cathedral, and she and David step onto the mat. They're marked for elimination, and have to stand aside for their thirty-minute penalty. Mary knows that either she or Lyn/Karlyn are getting eliminated, which depresses her. Lyn finds her airplane stamp. Then her train, which means she's done. David and Mary wait at the pitstop, and they don't show us a countdown clock, because I suspect that Lyn isn't too far behind. And...Lyn's cab has to stop for gas. Daaaaamn. That sucks. David and Mary have already given up (again), and David tells Mary that he's proud of her. Lyn crabs about the gas, but gets going again pretty quickly. Mary says that she and David tried their best, and that's all that matters. Not to harp on a sore subject, but NO YOU DIDN'T. Exciting music. Lyn arrives at the pitstop, and she and Karlyn check in as team number five. They wait on the mat as David and Mary are called in and eliminated, with twenty minutes still remaining on their penalty.

They talk about how proud of each other they are, and how their lives are changed forever, and I certainly don't doubt it. Lyn cries as she says that they've formed a lasting friendship with David and Mary, and hates to see them go. Aw. Karlyn looks relatively unmoved, which makes sense. They have a group hug. Mary says that seeing the world has made her appreciate where she's from, but also appreciate that she can take her kids out to experience the world. It's a whole "new book" for them now. Not just a new chapter in the old one. Beautiful. Terrific episode.

Next week on The Amazing Race: Lyn and Karlyn get a video message from home, and they burst into tears. People get stuck in the mud.

Overall Grade: A+