America's Next Top Model - Season 4, Episode 12
Previously on South Africa's Next Top Model: A bunch of horseshit that resulted in Brittany's undeserved elimination.
We're down to the final three! Let's meet our girls. Kahlen is a small town girl with no modeling experience. She's never even seen this show before, a fact that makes Tyra give her quite the dirty look. She takes wonderful photos, but lacks confidence. Has she not won a single challenge? Huh. I guess not. Naima is the reformed party girl, who has muffled her past, causing the judges to criticize her for being in a "shell". Keenyah has weight issues and is confident (read: a bitch), which can lead to arrogance (read: a megabitch). Tyra says that she is "hungry for success", which is hilariously mean.
Cape Town. The girls visit an outdoor zoo, and walk up to a pen of cute little birds. I know those aren't penguins, but they look mighty close. I have no idea what they really are. Wow, those two biology degrees are certainly well-deserved, aren't they? Keenyah asks if they're going to attack her. Oh, if only. Tyra meets with the girls one-on-one. Kahlen talks about how a lot of people never believed in her, and didn't think she'd make it in this competition. Naima talks about how much more comfortable with herself she is now. Keenyah thinks that she eats because she has an oral fixation. So chew a damn pen like the rest of us. All in all, the "Tyra is caring den mother to the girls" is always a really boring segment that does nothing but helps kill about five minutes.
Tyra Mail! Kahlen reads it out, and it includes the phrases "draw on everything you've learned" and "duck for cover". Kahlen jokes that the challenge will be drawing ducks, which would have been sweet. The girls show up bright and early, and the first thing they're faced with is Orange Jay. Gah! Not that I'd ever be happy to see him, but I'd be especially ooked out at the crack of dawn. He asks them if they're ready for a runway show. Kahlen smiles widely, interviewing that she thinks she excels at runway shows, so she's got this in the bag. Orange Jay quickly crushes her dreams by announcing that the runway show is a fake, as a backdrop for the Cover Girl commercial they'll be shooting today. Kahlen's smile fades rapidly. "Acting is not my thing at all," she interviews. Acting's not her thing. Dancing's not her thing. Posing with boys is not her thing. Kahlen needs to get a thing. In addition to the commercial, the girls will have a close-up beauty shot taken for a print ad. Jay blathers about how great Cover Girl is. Ew. Next time, make the product placement a little less blatant, and have someone who doesn't look like a sandblasted mannequin deliver it.
Kahlen is extremely nervous about the commercial. Keenyah is very confident and says that she'd be a great representative for anything in the modeling world. I don't quite hear the rest because I am choking on my own hysterical laughter. The ugly makeup artist gives Naima a bunch of crap for being a quiet girl. Shut up, Ugly Makeup Artist. Less yakking. More covering up the unfortunate zit that Naima seems to have sprung. The fake runway show starts. Miss J is there, and tells Naima not to lead with her chin, because otherwise, everyone can look right up her nose and "see what [she's] thinking". Ha! I love Miss J. Keenyah looks great, but is a bit overconfident, tossing in a lot of winks and kisses at the camera. Orange Jay complains that she doesn't look natural. This from a man who's so processed and bleached and waxed and tanned that he looks like a cross between a Ken doll and an Oompa Loompa. Kahlen is fine, if a little dull, at the runway scene.
Now it's time for the girls to deliver their lines. Naima's a little wooden, but does fine overall. Keenyah flubs her lines a bit, but seems very natural and poised for the camera. Kahlen, as she predicted, sucks rocks. "Jesus Louise-us," she mutters after she messes up for like the fortieth time. Aw, she's cute when she's incompetent. Finally, the girls pose for their beauty shot. Keenyah's up first. Orange Jay babbles on and on nonsensically as he always does. Miss J manages to insert a line about how she shouldn't lose her neck, which is the only piece of helpful advice to come from the observers. Naima thinks the beauty shot is a bit tough, but she turns out beautiful, as always. Kahlen wants the beauty shot to redeem her crappy performance in the commercial. As she tries to smile naturally, Miss J tells her to imagine farting and smiling at the same time. Kahlen cracks up, and the photographer gets a great shot. See? Miss J is effortlessly smarter, funnier, and cooler than Orange Jay.
The girls discuss how they think they did. Keenyah interviews that the judges see something special in Naima that she doesn't see. That'd be a soul, Keenyah. Naima is nervous. Kahlen thinks she really underperformed, and is convinced she's going to be cut. Judging time. Wow, Keenyah's necklace is really, really pretty. The guest judge for today will be Gretha Scholtz, who's a designer for a bathing suit line called Poison Ivy. Red, blotchy skin is certainly what I like to think of when I'm purchasing a bathing suit. Why not just call it the Eczema line? Tyra explains the prizes for the show, as she does every week, then says that the two finalists will compete in a runway show. Janice begs to be in the show. You can play with the other models when your Botox is through hardening, young lady.
The girls are being judged on three things today: the commercial, the beauty shot, and a model walk. Naima's up first. On anyone else, the walk would be fine, but I think it's pretty poor for her. Janice agrees with me. The beauty shot could not look better. It's simply perfect (Nole disagrees, but I tend to ignore him because he's stupid). As to the commercial, the judges are very impressed. Tyra in particular didn't think Naima had it in her. We have to hear again about her troubled past. Janice tells her what's in the past is all over now, and Naima bursts into tears for no apparent reason. All right then. Keenyah. I like her walk, but the judges, especially Gretha, don't feel it was up to her standards. The photo is great, except for one thing. Yes, she's lost her neck, which makes her head look disproportionate. Should've listened to Miss J, Keenyah. The judges are wishy washy about her commercial performance, but I think she did very well with it. Kahlen. Her walk is stiff and her face isn't the least bit expressive. Nigel notices that she holds her breath when she walks, which you really cannot do. Tyra doesn't like her beauty shot, but I think she looks terrific; very natural and relatable. I thought she was just so-so in the commercial, but the judges are more generous than I am.
Deliberations. Everyone loves Naima. Kahlen's pictures are great, but she loses a lot of appeal in person. Keenyah is striking and pudgy. The girls come back in. Here we go. Naima is safe. No surprise there. Would Keenyah and Kahlen please step forward? Tyra makes them face each other, and tells them that every quality that they lack can be found in the other girl. As she begins to pull out the photo, it cuts to commercials. You rat bastards!
OK, we're back. And the second finalist is....Kahlen! Oh, snap! Keenyah starts crying. We see Keenyah's portfolio, and she took some really awesome photos. Of course, she proceeds to piss away any lingering respect I may have had for her by turning her entire exit interview into a list of reasons why Kahlen sucks. Not what she's learned. Not what she's accomplished. Just that she's shocked she's leaving because she's so much better than Kahlen. Keenyah? Sweetie? Fuck off.
The next day, Kahlen and Naima interview that they like each other, but cannot be friends right now, because they are in direct competition. Sounds fair. They head for the fashion show. Orange Jay is waiting for them, and looks even more hideous than usual. He's wearing a kind of pink outfit with weird straps and a neckline open to the chest. It really highlights his skin tone, and that is not a compliment. We are seeing way too much of him this episode. He explains that they will be modeling clothes from three designers, then points out the runway, which is partially submerged in water. That is so cool! Miss J appears and demonstrates walking on the runway. He also calls them "model tramps" and tells them they have move on the water like Jesus, who had all the hip action under his robe. Ha! Flash forward to show time. Tyra comes backstage to wish them luck. They're both very nervous. Kahlen is petrified she's going to fall right off the runway into the water. That'd make for quite a finale. The girls don't talk to each other, concentrating very hard on the show ahead. The judges file in and sit down with the rest of the audience. Miss J is dressed head to toe in African garb, complete with the Erykah Badu turban.
First pass. I'm not loving these outfits they're wearing. They're kind of slutty goth style. Both Naima and Kahlen do excellent walks and poses. The second pass is evening gowns, which are totally gorgeous. Kahlen walks confidently as she interviews that she was "stomping" on all the people who didn't believe in her and the little girl who didn't believe in herself. I understand, but the imagery of stomping on a scared little girl is probably not what she was going for. Work on your metaphors, Kahlen. Third pass is swimsuits, and this is the big one. Tiny, complicated suits that shows everything. Plus, this is the pass where Naima and Kahlen will actually walk by each other. Naima interviews that when she sees Kahlen, she'll be all like "Look bitch, this is what I have to offer." Only Naima could say that and make it sound like she still totally respects Kahlen. The suits are bizarre, but they both look great. During the finale, all the models come out and dance around in the water, and you can tell they both had a blast. After the show, Kahlen sneaks up on Naima and gives her a monster hug and a kiss. Aw. I cannot tell you how wonderful and refreshing it is to watch a finale where I like both of the finalists.
The girls feel great about their performances in the show and in the entire competition, as they should. The final Tyra Mail appears out of thin air. Kahlen reads aloud about the upcoming judging, then squints and pretends to read "Kahlen, you are the greatest model in the world", which leads Naima to fake-read "but Naima, your walk tonight was beautiful." They both crack up. They both rock. They enter the judging wearing the same beautiful evening gowns they wore for the show. Tyra introduces them a final time, saying that Naima is from Detroit, Michigan, but that Kahlen is from "Oklahoma". That's it. We don't get to hear what town she's from, because it totally doesn't matter. The whole Midwest is just a gelatinous mass of flyover country, right? Asses.
Tyra recaps the prizes as if we didn't just hear them ten minutes ago. They watch the fashion show, and the judges love both of them. The final "challenge" is to compare the girls' photos from week to week. Here's how they stack up in my book. Aliens. Advantage: Kahlen. Her makeup helps a lot, but she gave a terrific pose as well that really works for her. Naima looks fine, but a bit bland. Walkin' The Dogs. Advantage: Kahlen. She's got a kind of pouty mouth, which I usually hate, but looks great here. Again, Naima looks OK, just not as good. Wet and Wild. Advantage: Naima. She has a badass look on her face that just pummels Kahlen's generic pose into the ground. Seven Deadly Sins. Advantage: Kahlen. For once, Nole says what I'm thinking, that Kahlen is personifying the definition of Wrath. Naima looks good as Envy, but is simply outshined by Kahlen. Animal Safari. Advantage: Naima. Everyone loves Kahlen's springbok photo, but I find Naima's cheetah much more alluring. The Aristocrats. Advantage: Naima. The judges call this her best photo, and I agree. It is just flawless. That makes it 3 to 3, and they both look so great in the Cover Girl beauty shot. If I absolutely had to pick, I'd choose Naima's as being better. Tyra asks each girl why she thinks she should be America's Next Top Model. They both give bullshit beauty pageant answers that judges love about overcoming the Shy Girl inside.
The judges deliberate. They think that Kahlen has the more solid portfolio, but that Naima completely rocked the commercial, beauty shot, and fashion show. They bring the girls back in. Tyra informs them that it was the longest deliberation the judges have ever had. Easy to see why. And the winner is.....Naima! Yay! She yells with excitement. Kahlen starts to cry. Tyra hugs both of them, whispering "I'm so proud of you" to Kahlen. Kahlen interviews about how much modeling means to her, and what she's learned about herself in the process. She's sweet. She'll do all right for herself. We flash back over some pictures of Naima's childhood and some clips of her during the show. She gleefully announces that she is, in fact, America's Next Top Model. That you are, Naima. Cheers!
Overall Grade: A-
Showing posts with label ANTM4. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ANTM4. Show all posts
Thursday, May 19, 2005
Saturday, May 14, 2005
The Girl Who Is Special
America's Next Top Model - Season 4, Episode 11
Previously on South Africa's Next Top Model: Keenyah got dangerously close to adding "the Hut" onto the end of her name. Christina, the Icy Queena was eliminated and cried huge tears out of her gigantic eyes. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Cape Town. The girls discuss how difficult it was to hear criticism from the others at the last judging. Keenyah in particular is getting all up in Naima's grill. If anyone should be upset in this scenario, it's Naima (whom Keenyah chose as having the least model potential) rather than Keenyah (whom nobody chose as having the least potential, and in fact was chosen by Brittany and Kahlen as having the most potential). Why is she getting all emotional about this? Whatever. We'll call this moment Brash, Irrational, Thoughtless, Crazy Harridan (BITCH) moment #1 for Keenyah. As Keenyah babbles on, Brittany tries to interject something. Keenyah screams at her, asking to finish her sentence (BITCH #2). The cracks in the Keenyah Brittany Friendship Club start to widen as Brittany tells Keenyah she's being totally rude. In an interview, Kahlen talks about what a raging narcissist Keenyah is. Wow, we're off to a sunny start.
Tyra Mail. It says something about "taking the right steps", and Keenyah thinks that it's a completely obvious reference to a runway challenge. Does she ever get tired of being wrong? Kahlen is picking at a chocolate muffin as they discuss the challenge, and Keenyah trails off in the middle of her sentence to stare at it, then ask Kahlen for a bite. Kahlen interviews about how the judges constantly criticize Keenyah for gaining weight, but she keeps on eating. In a completely awesome moment, Kahlen says "I really don't see that much progress......at all." Heh. It was that beat before "at all" that made it so hilarious. The next morning, as the girls get ready to leave for the challenge, Keenyah asks Brittany if it's all right that she borrowed some clothing. Brittany says that it's fine. Then, and I'm still not sure where this came from, Keenyah wheedles, "Because I'm special, right? Say it." Brittany looks at her as if she had waffles growing out of her nose, and says "Because you're special." Keenyah is pleased. Seriously, the hell?
The girls meet two gentlemen named Bebe and Mandela, who run an urban clothing shop. They seem like nice guys, but they talk about infusing South African heritage into their clothes for way too long. Get to the damn challenge! Bebe and Mandela drive the girls to the community center. To get there, they pass by a sort of shantytown. The housing is awful, and the people there live in abject poverty. OK, I feel as bad as the next guy about these sorts of conditions. Obviously, it's no way for a person to live. However, this is such blatant manipulation on the part of the show that I feel more angry than saddened. Why didn't the girls just go to the community center from the hotel? Because then they wouldn't have been exposed to poor people, and we wouldn't have gotten the "drama" of their reactions. Sigh.
When they get to the community center, they meet the woman who runs the place, Jackie. Jackie tells them that they will be learning about South African rhythm and dance, and that their challenge will be to perform the dance they've learned for an audience. Brittany interviews about what a completely terrible dancer she is. Point to Brittany for self-awareness on that one. Keenyah brags about simple the challenge will be for her because she's black (BITCH #3). Yes, Keenyah. And I'd be super-great at ballet because my ancestors are from Russia. Does she even listen to herself? Not as confident is Kahlen, who knows just how white bread she is, and doesn't want to humiliate herself in front of a crowd. Yeah, this would be a tough challenge. Dancing badly for a crowd is one thing. Making a mess of the crowd's heritage through dance is another. Miss Jay shows up to help judge the challenge, and the crowd starts filtering in. Oof. That's a big audience. Kahlen freaks out as we go into commercial.
We're back. The show helpfully reminds us what's going on by giving a taupe-filtered flashback. Um, the audience saw this 2 minutes ago. I know Americans have short attention spans, but give us a little credit. The dancing begins. Brittany sucks. The crowd shifts uncomfortably in their seats as she writhes around. Kahlen is up, and though she's definitely not great, she's doing a lot better than she thought she would. Keenyah brags about being black again, some more. We get it, Keenyah! You and Harriet Tubman are best friends! God. She acquits herself pretty well at the dancing. Naima likes dancing because she feels it's a way to communicate without words. She's very lithe and graceful. We cut to a shot of Miss Jay in the audience, and jeepers, he's got the perfect set of legs. For a woman. After the challenge, he gauges audience reaction to determine the winner. Audience, schmaudience. You don't need these people to know that Naima blew everyone else out of the water. Indeed, she is the winner, and her prize will be an extra 30 frames at the photo shoot. Jay asks her to pick a girl who will get an extra 20 frames. Instead of choosing her friend Kahlen, she chooses Keenyah. She interviews that Kahlen always takes wonderful pictures, and that in the interest of competition, she'd rather that fat, ugly Keenyah gets some extra shots because she won't be much of an opponent for Naima. Well, not in those words, but that's the gist. Smart idea. Kahlen is shocked. Keenyah is asked to pick a girl to receive 10 extra frames, and she chooses Brittany because Keenyah is about 1/8 as intelligent as Naima. She chose Brittany because they're friends without even stopping to think that giving more photos to the girl who consistently looks fantastic is a bad idea. Kahlen will be receiving no extra frames. She cries in an interview, wondering if this is an attack on her. I hope Naima explained later.
The girls then go to Robbene Island, which used to be a political prison, and meet a guide named Modise. Hee. There's a sign on the front of the prison that reads "We Serve With Pride". With all due respect to the people who suffered within its walls, that is really funny. Modise explains what Nelson Mandela did for South Africa and describes the time he spent in prison. Keenyah, steeped in her cultural roots, asks if Nelson Mandela is still alive or not. Oy. Brittany interviews how Keenyah keeps lording her ancestry over the other girls (yes, even Naima. I'll get to that in a bit), and she doesn't even know if Mandela is alive. She thinks Keenyah is a phony. I never thought I'd say it, but Brittany is totally right. Smart girl. Modise asks who wants to open Mandela's cell. Naima reaches her hand out for the key. It's worth noting that Keenyah is hanging out in the background, saying and doing nothing. However, she interviews that she wanted to be the one to open the cell because...sing it if you know it...she's black(BITCH #4). She talks about how she doesn't consider Naima to be black, or she's more black than Naima, or something along those lines. I'm too blind with rage to really listen.
OK, here we go. 1) Naima can identify as black if she wants to. Both of her parents are of mixed race, but she considers herself black, and it's her business to do so. 2) Race isn't a contest. You don't "win" the "blackness" award by having darker skin. 3) Being black doesn't necessarily make African culture and politics mean more to you. Keenyah spends her time thinking about lip gloss, not apartheid. 4) Plus, it's pretty demonstrable that Keenyah couldn't give a rat's ass about Africa, given that she doesn't know if one of its most important and influential leaders is still alive or not. 5) Way to make a solemn moment about freedom and persecution all about how left out you feel. That's not petty at all. 6) And she didn't even ask to open the cell. Naima did. I think Keenyah believes that naturally, they'd hand the key over to her without a second thought.
In other words, Keenyah is a stupid racist, and also...BITCH #5-10. Brittany interviews about how upset Keenyah was, but thinks it's mostly for show and to get attention. Wow, Brittany is really insightful tonight. I'm starting to feel bad for calling her stupid these past few weeks. What an ugly scene. And not even close to being about modeling. Let's leave the civics lesson to other shows, Tyra.
The next day, it's time for the photo shoot. Orange Jay explains that they'll be doing a shoot for body wash, and they'll be made up like 1940s aristocrats on safari. That's a neat idea. He explains that they'll not just be posing, but dancing for the camera as well. Not only that, but they'll be flanked by three shirtless guys, Lee-Roy, Bertini, and Mark. I have total dibs on Mark. As the girls get ready, the guys invite them to hang out later that night. They're thrilled. Bertini seems particularly taken with Keenyah. There's more talk about Keenyah's weight issue. They even go as far as to show Keenyah at week #1 and Keenyah today. There's a definite difference, though it doesn't look like she's gained that much to me. Brittany says that Keenyah "hasn't been paying attention to a lot of the things she's been putting in her mouth." The same could be said about you, Brittany.
The photo shoot begins. Although Jay said there'd be dancing involved, it's mostly just wiggling around in place. Q is there again, and I should apologize for saying last week that she sucks at her job, because every one of the girls looks completely gorgeous this week. Naima's first. Her elbow is back, and her leg is thrust forward, and she looks amazing. She uses her extra 30 frames to go a little wild with the poses, which is exactly the right thing to do. Keenyah. She can't quite get into the "dancing" which makes her look bad, and her pose is kind of limp and uninteresting. Her face, hair, and outfit look really great, though. I think she owes this shot to the crew. As she's posing, Bertini is moaning and grinding on her very inappropriately. Keenyah becomes uncomfortable and can't concentrate. She actually calls a halt to the shoot, but can't just say what the problem is directly. Jay kind of blows her off, which seems cold, but I really don't think he knew what was going on. When the shots start again, Bertini keeps slithering all over Keenyah, and this time Jay notices. He gently tells Bertini to back off, and he gets a point for that. Keenyah proceeds to drain any sympathy I had for her by saying that if her shot comes out poorly, she'll know it wasn't because of her, but Bertini. She's more pleased about having someone to blame for a bad shot than she is with a good shot (BITCH #11). Brittany. She can't really get into the "dancing", so she has a bit more trouble than usual. Still, she's an excellent poser, and the photo comes out marvelous.
Kahlen. She's nervous about dancing with boys surrounding her, and she is far too old to be pulling this junior high crap. She winds up looking great, but really needs to model with more self-confidence. You made it on a show called America's Next Top Model, Kahlen. You're not a dog. That night the girls go out to meet the guys. Keenyah seems genuinely surprised that Bertini is there. Did Keenyah eat a lot of paint chips as a child or something? Instead of ignoring him like a civilized person would do, Keenyah launches into this big attack in front of everyone in the restaurant, but smiles through the whole thing so that she can later claim that she wasn't really serious (BITCH #12). Not only that, but when it comes time to pay the bill, Keenyah doesn't want to throw in (BITCH #13). I'm running out of ways to insult her. She is just the pits. Brittany and Keenyah fight over the bill, and Stealth Funny Kahlen pops up again to mutter "little awkward".
On the car ride back to the hotel, the fight really breaks out. Brittany calls Keenyah out on, well, pretty much everything. Keenyah tries to keep it light, but Brittany brings up the awful way that Keenyah has treated Naima, the tantrum over the cell-opening, the not knowing if Mandela is alive or not, and how selfish she's being in general. Naima interviews that she was thanking God that she got the opportunity to open the cell, because obviously these other girls don't hold it in as high esteem. Back in the car, Keenyah and Brittany are still screeching at each other. Back at the hotel, the fight continues. They're still fighting about the same things, and Keenyah is shrieking in Naima's face (BITCH #14), because she can't even look at Brittany. Good for Brittany for taking Keenyah to task on this shit. Kahlen is crying out on the balcony, because it upsets her when people fight. I don't like it either, Kahlen, but since the fight has nothing to do with you, I don't get the tears. She's too emotional. Keenyah interviews that this is a new side of Brittany she's never seen before. The side that doesn't let you get away with acting like a complete cunt? Yeah, I said it. Keenyah finds some Tyra Mail and reads it out to herself, because nobody wants to be in the same room with her.
Judging. Janice is made up much like the girls were earlier, and looks awesome. Nigel always looks awesome. Nole is ugly and stupid, as always. Tyra is Tyra. The guest judges this week are Bebe and Mandela. Ummm....why? The only thing they did was drive the girls from their crap clothing shop to the dancing challenge. Ugh, whatever. I've had it with this episode. Heh, it would have been sweet if Bertini was one of the judges. The final challenge is kind of a Red Light/Green Light game in which the girls have to dance and then pose when Tyra yells stop. They dance. Keenyah steps out in front of the others, mostly I think just to have some room to maneuver. Kahlen sucks. After they do a few poses, the judges join them in dancing. Nigel needs to call me. Time for the actual judging. They tell the girls that they will be showing the worst shot in addition to the best. Brittany's up first. The judges didn't like her dancing, but love the photo. Her bad photo isn't good, but I don't think it's too horrible either. Keenyah. Everyone loved her dancing, and loved the fact that she stepped out in front. I really don't think that was an attitude thing, judges. She just didn't want to be banging elbows with everyone else. Her photo isn't terrific, and she of course blames it all on Bertini (BITCH #15). The judges don't cut her a lot of slack on this, and on first viewing I felt bad for Keenyah. She shouldn't have to shoulder the blame for someone else's inappropriate behavior. On the other hand, Bertini did back off after Jay told him to, so she really has no excuse for not getting a good photo. Plus, I hate her. Kahlen can't dance her way out of a wet paper bag. The judges don't like her photo as much as I do. Come on, judges! She looks awesome! Naima. The judges tell her she's a good dancer, but too shy. They think her photo is fabulous, and even her bad shot is good.
The judges deliberate. Kahlen wasn't great this week, but is very versatile. They think all the personality has been drained out of Brittany, which is really unfair since they are the ones that told her to tone it down in the first place. Shut up, judges. Naima has personality problems too. Sigh. The worst thing they can come up with to say about Keenyah is that she's pudgy, because they haven't yet seen the footage of the rest of the episode. They bring the girls back in. Keenyah is safe, and I projectile vomit. Kahlen is safe. Would Brittany and Naima please step forward. Brittany, you did exactly what the judges asked you to do and are being punished for it. Naima, you don't yell and scream for the cameras, and are being punished for it. Blah, blah, blah. Naima's safe, and Brittany is cut. Fucking bullshit. She cries and hugs the other girls, whispering "I love you" to Naima. She can't believe it's ending. Me either, Brittany. She says she'll miss Keenyah. Er...all right. She's proud of herself for getting so far, and you know what? Me too. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: The girls do a commercial for Cover Girl, and have their final competition in a Cape Town fashion show. One of them will be crowned the winner, and if it's Keenyah, someone's getting shredded. What a crap episode.
Overall Grade: D+
Previously on South Africa's Next Top Model: Keenyah got dangerously close to adding "the Hut" onto the end of her name. Christina, the Icy Queena was eliminated and cried huge tears out of her gigantic eyes. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Cape Town. The girls discuss how difficult it was to hear criticism from the others at the last judging. Keenyah in particular is getting all up in Naima's grill. If anyone should be upset in this scenario, it's Naima (whom Keenyah chose as having the least model potential) rather than Keenyah (whom nobody chose as having the least potential, and in fact was chosen by Brittany and Kahlen as having the most potential). Why is she getting all emotional about this? Whatever. We'll call this moment Brash, Irrational, Thoughtless, Crazy Harridan (BITCH) moment #1 for Keenyah. As Keenyah babbles on, Brittany tries to interject something. Keenyah screams at her, asking to finish her sentence (BITCH #2). The cracks in the Keenyah Brittany Friendship Club start to widen as Brittany tells Keenyah she's being totally rude. In an interview, Kahlen talks about what a raging narcissist Keenyah is. Wow, we're off to a sunny start.
Tyra Mail. It says something about "taking the right steps", and Keenyah thinks that it's a completely obvious reference to a runway challenge. Does she ever get tired of being wrong? Kahlen is picking at a chocolate muffin as they discuss the challenge, and Keenyah trails off in the middle of her sentence to stare at it, then ask Kahlen for a bite. Kahlen interviews about how the judges constantly criticize Keenyah for gaining weight, but she keeps on eating. In a completely awesome moment, Kahlen says "I really don't see that much progress......at all." Heh. It was that beat before "at all" that made it so hilarious. The next morning, as the girls get ready to leave for the challenge, Keenyah asks Brittany if it's all right that she borrowed some clothing. Brittany says that it's fine. Then, and I'm still not sure where this came from, Keenyah wheedles, "Because I'm special, right? Say it." Brittany looks at her as if she had waffles growing out of her nose, and says "Because you're special." Keenyah is pleased. Seriously, the hell?
The girls meet two gentlemen named Bebe and Mandela, who run an urban clothing shop. They seem like nice guys, but they talk about infusing South African heritage into their clothes for way too long. Get to the damn challenge! Bebe and Mandela drive the girls to the community center. To get there, they pass by a sort of shantytown. The housing is awful, and the people there live in abject poverty. OK, I feel as bad as the next guy about these sorts of conditions. Obviously, it's no way for a person to live. However, this is such blatant manipulation on the part of the show that I feel more angry than saddened. Why didn't the girls just go to the community center from the hotel? Because then they wouldn't have been exposed to poor people, and we wouldn't have gotten the "drama" of their reactions. Sigh.
When they get to the community center, they meet the woman who runs the place, Jackie. Jackie tells them that they will be learning about South African rhythm and dance, and that their challenge will be to perform the dance they've learned for an audience. Brittany interviews about what a completely terrible dancer she is. Point to Brittany for self-awareness on that one. Keenyah brags about simple the challenge will be for her because she's black (BITCH #3). Yes, Keenyah. And I'd be super-great at ballet because my ancestors are from Russia. Does she even listen to herself? Not as confident is Kahlen, who knows just how white bread she is, and doesn't want to humiliate herself in front of a crowd. Yeah, this would be a tough challenge. Dancing badly for a crowd is one thing. Making a mess of the crowd's heritage through dance is another. Miss Jay shows up to help judge the challenge, and the crowd starts filtering in. Oof. That's a big audience. Kahlen freaks out as we go into commercial.
We're back. The show helpfully reminds us what's going on by giving a taupe-filtered flashback. Um, the audience saw this 2 minutes ago. I know Americans have short attention spans, but give us a little credit. The dancing begins. Brittany sucks. The crowd shifts uncomfortably in their seats as she writhes around. Kahlen is up, and though she's definitely not great, she's doing a lot better than she thought she would. Keenyah brags about being black again, some more. We get it, Keenyah! You and Harriet Tubman are best friends! God. She acquits herself pretty well at the dancing. Naima likes dancing because she feels it's a way to communicate without words. She's very lithe and graceful. We cut to a shot of Miss Jay in the audience, and jeepers, he's got the perfect set of legs. For a woman. After the challenge, he gauges audience reaction to determine the winner. Audience, schmaudience. You don't need these people to know that Naima blew everyone else out of the water. Indeed, she is the winner, and her prize will be an extra 30 frames at the photo shoot. Jay asks her to pick a girl who will get an extra 20 frames. Instead of choosing her friend Kahlen, she chooses Keenyah. She interviews that Kahlen always takes wonderful pictures, and that in the interest of competition, she'd rather that fat, ugly Keenyah gets some extra shots because she won't be much of an opponent for Naima. Well, not in those words, but that's the gist. Smart idea. Kahlen is shocked. Keenyah is asked to pick a girl to receive 10 extra frames, and she chooses Brittany because Keenyah is about 1/8 as intelligent as Naima. She chose Brittany because they're friends without even stopping to think that giving more photos to the girl who consistently looks fantastic is a bad idea. Kahlen will be receiving no extra frames. She cries in an interview, wondering if this is an attack on her. I hope Naima explained later.
The girls then go to Robbene Island, which used to be a political prison, and meet a guide named Modise. Hee. There's a sign on the front of the prison that reads "We Serve With Pride". With all due respect to the people who suffered within its walls, that is really funny. Modise explains what Nelson Mandela did for South Africa and describes the time he spent in prison. Keenyah, steeped in her cultural roots, asks if Nelson Mandela is still alive or not. Oy. Brittany interviews how Keenyah keeps lording her ancestry over the other girls (yes, even Naima. I'll get to that in a bit), and she doesn't even know if Mandela is alive. She thinks Keenyah is a phony. I never thought I'd say it, but Brittany is totally right. Smart girl. Modise asks who wants to open Mandela's cell. Naima reaches her hand out for the key. It's worth noting that Keenyah is hanging out in the background, saying and doing nothing. However, she interviews that she wanted to be the one to open the cell because...sing it if you know it...she's black(BITCH #4). She talks about how she doesn't consider Naima to be black, or she's more black than Naima, or something along those lines. I'm too blind with rage to really listen.
OK, here we go. 1) Naima can identify as black if she wants to. Both of her parents are of mixed race, but she considers herself black, and it's her business to do so. 2) Race isn't a contest. You don't "win" the "blackness" award by having darker skin. 3) Being black doesn't necessarily make African culture and politics mean more to you. Keenyah spends her time thinking about lip gloss, not apartheid. 4) Plus, it's pretty demonstrable that Keenyah couldn't give a rat's ass about Africa, given that she doesn't know if one of its most important and influential leaders is still alive or not. 5) Way to make a solemn moment about freedom and persecution all about how left out you feel. That's not petty at all. 6) And she didn't even ask to open the cell. Naima did. I think Keenyah believes that naturally, they'd hand the key over to her without a second thought.
In other words, Keenyah is a stupid racist, and also...BITCH #5-10. Brittany interviews about how upset Keenyah was, but thinks it's mostly for show and to get attention. Wow, Brittany is really insightful tonight. I'm starting to feel bad for calling her stupid these past few weeks. What an ugly scene. And not even close to being about modeling. Let's leave the civics lesson to other shows, Tyra.
The next day, it's time for the photo shoot. Orange Jay explains that they'll be doing a shoot for body wash, and they'll be made up like 1940s aristocrats on safari. That's a neat idea. He explains that they'll not just be posing, but dancing for the camera as well. Not only that, but they'll be flanked by three shirtless guys, Lee-Roy, Bertini, and Mark. I have total dibs on Mark. As the girls get ready, the guys invite them to hang out later that night. They're thrilled. Bertini seems particularly taken with Keenyah. There's more talk about Keenyah's weight issue. They even go as far as to show Keenyah at week #1 and Keenyah today. There's a definite difference, though it doesn't look like she's gained that much to me. Brittany says that Keenyah "hasn't been paying attention to a lot of the things she's been putting in her mouth." The same could be said about you, Brittany.
The photo shoot begins. Although Jay said there'd be dancing involved, it's mostly just wiggling around in place. Q is there again, and I should apologize for saying last week that she sucks at her job, because every one of the girls looks completely gorgeous this week. Naima's first. Her elbow is back, and her leg is thrust forward, and she looks amazing. She uses her extra 30 frames to go a little wild with the poses, which is exactly the right thing to do. Keenyah. She can't quite get into the "dancing" which makes her look bad, and her pose is kind of limp and uninteresting. Her face, hair, and outfit look really great, though. I think she owes this shot to the crew. As she's posing, Bertini is moaning and grinding on her very inappropriately. Keenyah becomes uncomfortable and can't concentrate. She actually calls a halt to the shoot, but can't just say what the problem is directly. Jay kind of blows her off, which seems cold, but I really don't think he knew what was going on. When the shots start again, Bertini keeps slithering all over Keenyah, and this time Jay notices. He gently tells Bertini to back off, and he gets a point for that. Keenyah proceeds to drain any sympathy I had for her by saying that if her shot comes out poorly, she'll know it wasn't because of her, but Bertini. She's more pleased about having someone to blame for a bad shot than she is with a good shot (BITCH #11). Brittany. She can't really get into the "dancing", so she has a bit more trouble than usual. Still, she's an excellent poser, and the photo comes out marvelous.
Kahlen. She's nervous about dancing with boys surrounding her, and she is far too old to be pulling this junior high crap. She winds up looking great, but really needs to model with more self-confidence. You made it on a show called America's Next Top Model, Kahlen. You're not a dog. That night the girls go out to meet the guys. Keenyah seems genuinely surprised that Bertini is there. Did Keenyah eat a lot of paint chips as a child or something? Instead of ignoring him like a civilized person would do, Keenyah launches into this big attack in front of everyone in the restaurant, but smiles through the whole thing so that she can later claim that she wasn't really serious (BITCH #12). Not only that, but when it comes time to pay the bill, Keenyah doesn't want to throw in (BITCH #13). I'm running out of ways to insult her. She is just the pits. Brittany and Keenyah fight over the bill, and Stealth Funny Kahlen pops up again to mutter "little awkward".
On the car ride back to the hotel, the fight really breaks out. Brittany calls Keenyah out on, well, pretty much everything. Keenyah tries to keep it light, but Brittany brings up the awful way that Keenyah has treated Naima, the tantrum over the cell-opening, the not knowing if Mandela is alive or not, and how selfish she's being in general. Naima interviews that she was thanking God that she got the opportunity to open the cell, because obviously these other girls don't hold it in as high esteem. Back in the car, Keenyah and Brittany are still screeching at each other. Back at the hotel, the fight continues. They're still fighting about the same things, and Keenyah is shrieking in Naima's face (BITCH #14), because she can't even look at Brittany. Good for Brittany for taking Keenyah to task on this shit. Kahlen is crying out on the balcony, because it upsets her when people fight. I don't like it either, Kahlen, but since the fight has nothing to do with you, I don't get the tears. She's too emotional. Keenyah interviews that this is a new side of Brittany she's never seen before. The side that doesn't let you get away with acting like a complete cunt? Yeah, I said it. Keenyah finds some Tyra Mail and reads it out to herself, because nobody wants to be in the same room with her.
Judging. Janice is made up much like the girls were earlier, and looks awesome. Nigel always looks awesome. Nole is ugly and stupid, as always. Tyra is Tyra. The guest judges this week are Bebe and Mandela. Ummm....why? The only thing they did was drive the girls from their crap clothing shop to the dancing challenge. Ugh, whatever. I've had it with this episode. Heh, it would have been sweet if Bertini was one of the judges. The final challenge is kind of a Red Light/Green Light game in which the girls have to dance and then pose when Tyra yells stop. They dance. Keenyah steps out in front of the others, mostly I think just to have some room to maneuver. Kahlen sucks. After they do a few poses, the judges join them in dancing. Nigel needs to call me. Time for the actual judging. They tell the girls that they will be showing the worst shot in addition to the best. Brittany's up first. The judges didn't like her dancing, but love the photo. Her bad photo isn't good, but I don't think it's too horrible either. Keenyah. Everyone loved her dancing, and loved the fact that she stepped out in front. I really don't think that was an attitude thing, judges. She just didn't want to be banging elbows with everyone else. Her photo isn't terrific, and she of course blames it all on Bertini (BITCH #15). The judges don't cut her a lot of slack on this, and on first viewing I felt bad for Keenyah. She shouldn't have to shoulder the blame for someone else's inappropriate behavior. On the other hand, Bertini did back off after Jay told him to, so she really has no excuse for not getting a good photo. Plus, I hate her. Kahlen can't dance her way out of a wet paper bag. The judges don't like her photo as much as I do. Come on, judges! She looks awesome! Naima. The judges tell her she's a good dancer, but too shy. They think her photo is fabulous, and even her bad shot is good.
The judges deliberate. Kahlen wasn't great this week, but is very versatile. They think all the personality has been drained out of Brittany, which is really unfair since they are the ones that told her to tone it down in the first place. Shut up, judges. Naima has personality problems too. Sigh. The worst thing they can come up with to say about Keenyah is that she's pudgy, because they haven't yet seen the footage of the rest of the episode. They bring the girls back in. Keenyah is safe, and I projectile vomit. Kahlen is safe. Would Brittany and Naima please step forward. Brittany, you did exactly what the judges asked you to do and are being punished for it. Naima, you don't yell and scream for the cameras, and are being punished for it. Blah, blah, blah. Naima's safe, and Brittany is cut. Fucking bullshit. She cries and hugs the other girls, whispering "I love you" to Naima. She can't believe it's ending. Me either, Brittany. She says she'll miss Keenyah. Er...all right. She's proud of herself for getting so far, and you know what? Me too. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: The girls do a commercial for Cover Girl, and have their final competition in a Cape Town fashion show. One of them will be crowned the winner, and if it's Keenyah, someone's getting shredded. What a crap episode.
Overall Grade: D+
Monday, May 09, 2005
The Girl Who Flops in the Mud
America's Next Top Model - Season 4, Episode 10
Previously on America's Next Top Model: The girls left a dismal, rainy LA for a wild kingdom adventure in South Africa. Keenyah was fat, while Naima was phat. Michelle got eliminated, and was sent packing. Better luck with the wrestling, Michelle.
Cape Town. The girls' hotel room is really nice. Who says starving yourself for a career that you're too old for when you hit 35 doesn't pay off? Tyra comes to visit the final five, wheeling in a cart of food. Ah, the traditional visit to show that Tyra is more than a harsh judge, pointing out every smidge of cellulite. She's a caring friend! Everyone settles in for dinner. Keenyah interviews that she was in the bottom two last week, and needs to step it up. Or something. I'm having trouble paying attention to what she's saying because I'm blinded by her lip gloss. Three layers is probably enough, Keenyah. Naima talks about how she used to be a party girl, drinking all the time, and in her efforts to move on from that, tends to put up a wall around herself. Tyra tells her that she needs to let her personality shine through, and Brittany nods emphatically, thinking "Yeah, you need to hang your ass out of more windows. That's personality!" Kahlen talks about how much she's learned about modeling and about herself, and starts to tear up a little. That girl is smart. Tyra loves a crier. Christina wants to show the more caring, warm side of her personality; she's just nervous in front of the judges. Tyra tells her to picture all of the judges in their underwear. Keenyah points out that Tyra would be gorgeous in her underwear, so that's no help. I can't decide if Keenyah was being witty or being an ass-kisser there. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt. After Tyra leaves, Keenyah takes a plate that's pretty much still full of food up to the cart for another helping. Man, she's thisclose to doing all her modeling at the Hefty Hideaway. Call Mr. Pinky!
The next morning, the girls head for their first challenge. They meet Jackie Burger, who is the fashion director for Elle in South Africa, and Paola De Vito, the CEO of the National Association of Model Agencies. Jackie is really pretty. I love women who can wear gray hair gracefully. Paola is...not as pretty, but she's smart as a whip, and has one of those adorable South African accents. I like her. She tells them that their challenge will be a series of "go-sees", wherein the girls visit a bunch of designers, photographers, etc. and try on some of their clothes. They'll be judged on arriving (so they get points for just showing up), personality, portfolio, look, and professionalism. Paola tells them that they can go on as many go-sees as they like. The only hard and fast rule is to be back by 4:30. "That's the only thing you MUST do." Gee, with the way Paola's really emphasizing punctuality, I'll bet all the girls make it a priority. Everyone takes off. The way they're all rushing around in cabs, I feel like I'm watching The Amazing Race. How cool would it be if one of them had to shave their heads to win a challenge?
Christina is not winning over the designers. She just kind of stares at them a lot with her crazy eyes. Kahlen's having a bunch of problems getting in to see people, because she can't figure out the keypads out front. Brittany interviews about how professional she's going to be, then grabs her boobs in front of one of the designers. Professional! A designer asks Kahlen if she's done "ramp" work. Kahlen thinks he means "rap". After she gets it straight she says no. Five seconds later, she says "I mean yes." The designer looks at her as if she were retarded. Naima and Keenyah are closing in on the same designer at the same time. Naima gets there first, but Keenyah runs up ahead of her and gets in the door first. She interviews about how she has to be ultra-competitive to stay in the game. Well, there's competitive and there's plain rude. Naima's pissed. She interviews that Keenyah is not going to take this away from her. Looks like she just did, Naima. Don't worry about it. You look better in the clothes, anyway. Brittany tells a designer that she's over that party stage in her life (HA!). Kahlen racks her head on some steps (HA!). Christina stares at a designer like she's wondering what her liver tastes like (HA!). Keenyah pulls the same body check crap on Kahlen as she did on Naima. Kahlen is a good egg about it (saying she's not right for the hip-hop style of this particular designer), but she's annoyed. Preach it, Kahlen. Instant karma strikes, however, as the designer thinks Keenyah's too fat to model for them. It's time to go back, but Christina wants to do one more go-see. She rushes through it, paying no attention to what the designer is saying because she's worried about making it back on time. Bad move.
Everyone rushes back to the hotel. I said everyone rushes back to the hotel. Naima, what are you doing? OK, Naima's not rushing back to the hotel. She makes a decision to try and go to everyone on the list rather than returning. This is a tough call. On the one hand, Paola did say that it was extremely important to be back on time, and it's unwise and rude to ignore that. On the other hand, this competition is not going to last forever. Naima wants to make South African contacts, and she thinks it's more important to meet everyone than focus on winning one challenge. Not that she actually meets anyone. The challenge is over, and everyone's either closed or unwilling to meet with her. One lady says "we're in the middle of a strategic planning meeting" which is code for "we're trying to decide which of these hats to put on the mannequin tomorrow." Naima gets back 45 minutes late. Oh, Naima. No. I like you, but that is just plain wrong. Keenyah thinks Naima did it on purpose to impress the judge with her commitment to see everyone. Way to miss the point, Keenyah. Paola rips Naima a new one, then announces the winner of the challenge: Keenyah. OK, then. She's going to a party at one of the designer's houses, and chooses Brittany to take along with her.
Keenyah and Brittany leave for the party. "Any situation we have, she's gonna be fun," Keenyah interviews about Brittany. My, the Irony Fairy is getting a good workout lately. In the limo, Keenyah rates the other girls and why she didn't pick them. Meow! For a nice contrast, back at the hotel, Kahlen beautifully toasts Naima and Christina. Kahlen's a sweetie. Brittany is...well, basically Brittany at the party. She steals the spotlight, which makes Keenyah jealous and peeved. Nobody to blame but yourself for that one. "I hope I'm not too annoying!" Brittany brays loudly, clearly thinking that she's being deliciously clever. I hate people who call themselves annoying, high-maintenance, rude, etc. and think that by admitting it, everyone else is just supposed to accept it. The solution to you being annoying is not admitting it. The solution is to stop being annoying.
The main challenge starts at 6AM the next morning. Ick. Nobody looks good at six in the morning. The girls will have to "kloof" which is just fancy talk for hiking to their next shoot. They're introduced to Anton, the photographer, who's dreamy. They kloof along, Brittany complaining, Naima enjoying it, and Kahlen simply describing it as "an experience." They get to the site, where Orange Jay is waiting. I just cannot look at him without wanting to hit him with a lead pipe. Their challenge will be to use the surrounding environment as their outfit (though the show cheats by making them wear bikinis underneath. Boo!), and pose in front of a waterfall. The girls meet Q, the fashion stylist. Good, something else to rant about. People who give themselves asinine names in a pathetic attempt to appear special are stupid. Wow, that was a short rant. OK, then let's talk about Q's job. The girls choose what parts of nature they'd like to use. They also choose where on their body they'd like it to go. Q's entire job seems to consist of nodding thoughtfully, saying "think about your look", and passing the pruning shears. I'll bet she made more money for this shoot than I make in a year.
Photo shoot. Jay's annoying commentary on the girls runs throughout, but I care too much about my sanity to revisit it. Keenyah has pasted a bunch of grass on her stomach to try and hide that fact that she's getting heavier. It doesn't work, and looks silly to boot. She also has attached leaves to her leg and chest. It doesn't look good at first sight. There seems to be a fern taking root in her cleavage and growing out of it. Her hair looks pretty, though. Naima has tried a sort of camouflage approach, using stripes of mud to try to blend into the surroundings. Brittany goes that one further and rolls around in a mud puddle like a prize hog. As she poses for her photo, Jay repeatedly tells her to tone down her sexuality, and try to think of it more as a serene, innocent shot. Kahlen eschews the green surroundings and covers herself with dead sticks instead. Christina covers herself with some leaves, and in a very Pocahontas moment, puts a pine branch in her hair that sticks up like a fan. It looks good. She's very mechanical and technical during the shoot, and I'm almost positive they had to blur her boobs. Were they hanging out? Weird.
Judging. The girls come in. My God, Keenyah. Step away from the lip gloss. Admitting you have a problem is the first step. All the usual judges are there, plus guest judge Paola De Vito. Tyra breaks it to the girls that they will be judging each other's photos as their final challenge. Janice gives them this awesome look, like, "let the bloodbath begin." Brittany's up first. I'm so torn on her. If I ever met her in person, I'd hate her immediately, but girlfriend takes some awesome pictures. She looks terrific. There's some blather about how the mud makes her neck look thick, but I'm not seeing it. Kahlen. Keenyah and Christina harp on the fact that she looks surprised. Naima says that it works for the shot, and I agree. It gives her a dreamlike quality.
Christina. As I thought, the branch in her hair looks awesome, but that's about the only good thing. Her shoulder is hunched forward and looks terrible. She has a half-smile on her face like the camera went off too early. Everyone criticizes the slouching. Except Brittany. Throughout this challenge, Brittany never uses a word more than two syllables long or beyond a third-grade reading level. She can't come up with a single relevant point, good or bad, regarding anyone's photo. Keenyah. She looks better than I originally thought. I like the big palm frond on her leg (Christina disagrees), but the grass on the stomach is ridiculous. Naima. Hoo boy. This is not a good picture. Her face is all washed out and she looks almost monkey-like. She has a good pose, though.
Now the girls have to say who they think has the most model potential and who has the least. Keenyah says that it's a tie between Brittany and Kahlen for most, and that Naima has the least potential because of the "shell" around her personality. So she's just parroting the judges' critiques from last week. Lame. Christina thinks Kahlen has the most potential, and that Brittany has the least, because she only has one look. Interesting. Naima thinks Kahlen has the most potential, too. Kahlen is on fire! As to least, Naima picks Christina, calling her "bland". At first Brittany says that she herself is the best, but takes it back and chooses Keenyah as best and Christina as worst, both due to facets of their personalities. She does realize that most models will never meet the people seeing their pictures, right? Who cares what their personalities are like? She's dumb. Kahlen picks Keenyah as the strongest, and Christina as the weakest, cushioning the blow by saying Christina would be good at modeling expensive-type fashion only. I'd agree with that.
Now it's time for the judges' take on everything. They think Keenyah was a bit too catty in her critiques. In her photo, Janice doesn't like the way the body is positioned, but likes the face. I feel the exact opposite way. No mind meld with Janice for me. Nole tells her that her shot "doesn't show fashion". Yeah, Keenyah. How are you going to sell those palm frond outfits looking like that? Shut up, Nole. The judges agree that Christina is robotic and cold, from the go-sees to the photo shoot to the critiques. Tyra says that models slouching is becoming very fashionable. I don't buy it. Naima needs to show more personality. She explains that she used to be very wild, and that she's trying to get away from that sort of life. The judges exclaim that they've finally seen the real Naima, but frankly, I don't see any difference. Then again, I think their claim that she needs to let more personality out is bullshit. Not everyone is loud and outgoing. That doesn't mean there's nothing to them. They hate her photo, but loved her critiques. There's no mention of the late arrival at the first challenge, so I guess they don't care. Kahlen. Tyra likes the photo, but says that it's the only good one Kahlen took, and that this was her worst shoot to date. However, they loved her critiques, and 3 of the 4 other girls chose her as having the most model potential. Brittany. The judges all love her photo, praising her over and over about her sensuality and saying that every teenage boy would want this shot above his bed. Janice calls Nigel a "big ol' horny judge", which was funny, but what's really hilarious is that everything that the judges like about the shot is what Orange Jay told Brittany to tone down. Man, even the judges ignore his advice. Yay! Photo shoot aside, the judges think Brittany hasn't learned a thing since she arrived. Nole tells her she's acting like she's in high school. Never thought I'd see the day when I was all, "sing it, Nole".
The girls leave, and the judges have their final discussion. Nigel likes Naima. Everyone hates Christina. Paola thinks Keenyah has a lot of potential. Janice loves Brittany. Tyra inexplicably shifts into some weird ghetto-speak, saying that the only reason Janice likes Brittany is because she reminds her of herself. What follows is so awesome that it has to be transcribed almost word for word.
Nole: Her first face, anyway.
Janice: Don't even get me started, you short, fat, squatty, bald, blind boy.
Nole: All right, you plastic-surgery victim freak of nature.
Paola: This is what I've been waiting to see.
Hahahahahaha! That was totally the highlight of the season so far.
The girls come back in. Naima is safe. Keenyah is safe. Kahlen is safe. Would Brittany and Christina please step forward? Tyra tells them that both of their photos are fine (which is not true), and says that they're both on the bubble because of their attitudes. Christina is an ice-queen. Brittany is a bubblehead. There's very little suspense, because everyone loved Brittany's photo so much. Indeed, Christina is cut. She cries, and hugs everyone. As she packs, she interviews that she doesn't know where confident meets cold, and she'll just have to learn from the experience. Sounds good. On occasion, she looked very, very pretty, but I can't argue with the judges' choice.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Everyone hates each other. Naima stalks out of the room. Keenyah and Brittany are so not BFF anymore.
Overall Grade: B-
Previously on America's Next Top Model: The girls left a dismal, rainy LA for a wild kingdom adventure in South Africa. Keenyah was fat, while Naima was phat. Michelle got eliminated, and was sent packing. Better luck with the wrestling, Michelle.
Cape Town. The girls' hotel room is really nice. Who says starving yourself for a career that you're too old for when you hit 35 doesn't pay off? Tyra comes to visit the final five, wheeling in a cart of food. Ah, the traditional visit to show that Tyra is more than a harsh judge, pointing out every smidge of cellulite. She's a caring friend! Everyone settles in for dinner. Keenyah interviews that she was in the bottom two last week, and needs to step it up. Or something. I'm having trouble paying attention to what she's saying because I'm blinded by her lip gloss. Three layers is probably enough, Keenyah. Naima talks about how she used to be a party girl, drinking all the time, and in her efforts to move on from that, tends to put up a wall around herself. Tyra tells her that she needs to let her personality shine through, and Brittany nods emphatically, thinking "Yeah, you need to hang your ass out of more windows. That's personality!" Kahlen talks about how much she's learned about modeling and about herself, and starts to tear up a little. That girl is smart. Tyra loves a crier. Christina wants to show the more caring, warm side of her personality; she's just nervous in front of the judges. Tyra tells her to picture all of the judges in their underwear. Keenyah points out that Tyra would be gorgeous in her underwear, so that's no help. I can't decide if Keenyah was being witty or being an ass-kisser there. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt. After Tyra leaves, Keenyah takes a plate that's pretty much still full of food up to the cart for another helping. Man, she's thisclose to doing all her modeling at the Hefty Hideaway. Call Mr. Pinky!
The next morning, the girls head for their first challenge. They meet Jackie Burger, who is the fashion director for Elle in South Africa, and Paola De Vito, the CEO of the National Association of Model Agencies. Jackie is really pretty. I love women who can wear gray hair gracefully. Paola is...not as pretty, but she's smart as a whip, and has one of those adorable South African accents. I like her. She tells them that their challenge will be a series of "go-sees", wherein the girls visit a bunch of designers, photographers, etc. and try on some of their clothes. They'll be judged on arriving (so they get points for just showing up), personality, portfolio, look, and professionalism. Paola tells them that they can go on as many go-sees as they like. The only hard and fast rule is to be back by 4:30. "That's the only thing you MUST do." Gee, with the way Paola's really emphasizing punctuality, I'll bet all the girls make it a priority. Everyone takes off. The way they're all rushing around in cabs, I feel like I'm watching The Amazing Race. How cool would it be if one of them had to shave their heads to win a challenge?
Christina is not winning over the designers. She just kind of stares at them a lot with her crazy eyes. Kahlen's having a bunch of problems getting in to see people, because she can't figure out the keypads out front. Brittany interviews about how professional she's going to be, then grabs her boobs in front of one of the designers. Professional! A designer asks Kahlen if she's done "ramp" work. Kahlen thinks he means "rap". After she gets it straight she says no. Five seconds later, she says "I mean yes." The designer looks at her as if she were retarded. Naima and Keenyah are closing in on the same designer at the same time. Naima gets there first, but Keenyah runs up ahead of her and gets in the door first. She interviews about how she has to be ultra-competitive to stay in the game. Well, there's competitive and there's plain rude. Naima's pissed. She interviews that Keenyah is not going to take this away from her. Looks like she just did, Naima. Don't worry about it. You look better in the clothes, anyway. Brittany tells a designer that she's over that party stage in her life (HA!). Kahlen racks her head on some steps (HA!). Christina stares at a designer like she's wondering what her liver tastes like (HA!). Keenyah pulls the same body check crap on Kahlen as she did on Naima. Kahlen is a good egg about it (saying she's not right for the hip-hop style of this particular designer), but she's annoyed. Preach it, Kahlen. Instant karma strikes, however, as the designer thinks Keenyah's too fat to model for them. It's time to go back, but Christina wants to do one more go-see. She rushes through it, paying no attention to what the designer is saying because she's worried about making it back on time. Bad move.
Everyone rushes back to the hotel. I said everyone rushes back to the hotel. Naima, what are you doing? OK, Naima's not rushing back to the hotel. She makes a decision to try and go to everyone on the list rather than returning. This is a tough call. On the one hand, Paola did say that it was extremely important to be back on time, and it's unwise and rude to ignore that. On the other hand, this competition is not going to last forever. Naima wants to make South African contacts, and she thinks it's more important to meet everyone than focus on winning one challenge. Not that she actually meets anyone. The challenge is over, and everyone's either closed or unwilling to meet with her. One lady says "we're in the middle of a strategic planning meeting" which is code for "we're trying to decide which of these hats to put on the mannequin tomorrow." Naima gets back 45 minutes late. Oh, Naima. No. I like you, but that is just plain wrong. Keenyah thinks Naima did it on purpose to impress the judge with her commitment to see everyone. Way to miss the point, Keenyah. Paola rips Naima a new one, then announces the winner of the challenge: Keenyah. OK, then. She's going to a party at one of the designer's houses, and chooses Brittany to take along with her.
Keenyah and Brittany leave for the party. "Any situation we have, she's gonna be fun," Keenyah interviews about Brittany. My, the Irony Fairy is getting a good workout lately. In the limo, Keenyah rates the other girls and why she didn't pick them. Meow! For a nice contrast, back at the hotel, Kahlen beautifully toasts Naima and Christina. Kahlen's a sweetie. Brittany is...well, basically Brittany at the party. She steals the spotlight, which makes Keenyah jealous and peeved. Nobody to blame but yourself for that one. "I hope I'm not too annoying!" Brittany brays loudly, clearly thinking that she's being deliciously clever. I hate people who call themselves annoying, high-maintenance, rude, etc. and think that by admitting it, everyone else is just supposed to accept it. The solution to you being annoying is not admitting it. The solution is to stop being annoying.
The main challenge starts at 6AM the next morning. Ick. Nobody looks good at six in the morning. The girls will have to "kloof" which is just fancy talk for hiking to their next shoot. They're introduced to Anton, the photographer, who's dreamy. They kloof along, Brittany complaining, Naima enjoying it, and Kahlen simply describing it as "an experience." They get to the site, where Orange Jay is waiting. I just cannot look at him without wanting to hit him with a lead pipe. Their challenge will be to use the surrounding environment as their outfit (though the show cheats by making them wear bikinis underneath. Boo!), and pose in front of a waterfall. The girls meet Q, the fashion stylist. Good, something else to rant about. People who give themselves asinine names in a pathetic attempt to appear special are stupid. Wow, that was a short rant. OK, then let's talk about Q's job. The girls choose what parts of nature they'd like to use. They also choose where on their body they'd like it to go. Q's entire job seems to consist of nodding thoughtfully, saying "think about your look", and passing the pruning shears. I'll bet she made more money for this shoot than I make in a year.
Photo shoot. Jay's annoying commentary on the girls runs throughout, but I care too much about my sanity to revisit it. Keenyah has pasted a bunch of grass on her stomach to try and hide that fact that she's getting heavier. It doesn't work, and looks silly to boot. She also has attached leaves to her leg and chest. It doesn't look good at first sight. There seems to be a fern taking root in her cleavage and growing out of it. Her hair looks pretty, though. Naima has tried a sort of camouflage approach, using stripes of mud to try to blend into the surroundings. Brittany goes that one further and rolls around in a mud puddle like a prize hog. As she poses for her photo, Jay repeatedly tells her to tone down her sexuality, and try to think of it more as a serene, innocent shot. Kahlen eschews the green surroundings and covers herself with dead sticks instead. Christina covers herself with some leaves, and in a very Pocahontas moment, puts a pine branch in her hair that sticks up like a fan. It looks good. She's very mechanical and technical during the shoot, and I'm almost positive they had to blur her boobs. Were they hanging out? Weird.
Judging. The girls come in. My God, Keenyah. Step away from the lip gloss. Admitting you have a problem is the first step. All the usual judges are there, plus guest judge Paola De Vito. Tyra breaks it to the girls that they will be judging each other's photos as their final challenge. Janice gives them this awesome look, like, "let the bloodbath begin." Brittany's up first. I'm so torn on her. If I ever met her in person, I'd hate her immediately, but girlfriend takes some awesome pictures. She looks terrific. There's some blather about how the mud makes her neck look thick, but I'm not seeing it. Kahlen. Keenyah and Christina harp on the fact that she looks surprised. Naima says that it works for the shot, and I agree. It gives her a dreamlike quality.
Christina. As I thought, the branch in her hair looks awesome, but that's about the only good thing. Her shoulder is hunched forward and looks terrible. She has a half-smile on her face like the camera went off too early. Everyone criticizes the slouching. Except Brittany. Throughout this challenge, Brittany never uses a word more than two syllables long or beyond a third-grade reading level. She can't come up with a single relevant point, good or bad, regarding anyone's photo. Keenyah. She looks better than I originally thought. I like the big palm frond on her leg (Christina disagrees), but the grass on the stomach is ridiculous. Naima. Hoo boy. This is not a good picture. Her face is all washed out and she looks almost monkey-like. She has a good pose, though.
Now the girls have to say who they think has the most model potential and who has the least. Keenyah says that it's a tie between Brittany and Kahlen for most, and that Naima has the least potential because of the "shell" around her personality. So she's just parroting the judges' critiques from last week. Lame. Christina thinks Kahlen has the most potential, and that Brittany has the least, because she only has one look. Interesting. Naima thinks Kahlen has the most potential, too. Kahlen is on fire! As to least, Naima picks Christina, calling her "bland". At first Brittany says that she herself is the best, but takes it back and chooses Keenyah as best and Christina as worst, both due to facets of their personalities. She does realize that most models will never meet the people seeing their pictures, right? Who cares what their personalities are like? She's dumb. Kahlen picks Keenyah as the strongest, and Christina as the weakest, cushioning the blow by saying Christina would be good at modeling expensive-type fashion only. I'd agree with that.
Now it's time for the judges' take on everything. They think Keenyah was a bit too catty in her critiques. In her photo, Janice doesn't like the way the body is positioned, but likes the face. I feel the exact opposite way. No mind meld with Janice for me. Nole tells her that her shot "doesn't show fashion". Yeah, Keenyah. How are you going to sell those palm frond outfits looking like that? Shut up, Nole. The judges agree that Christina is robotic and cold, from the go-sees to the photo shoot to the critiques. Tyra says that models slouching is becoming very fashionable. I don't buy it. Naima needs to show more personality. She explains that she used to be very wild, and that she's trying to get away from that sort of life. The judges exclaim that they've finally seen the real Naima, but frankly, I don't see any difference. Then again, I think their claim that she needs to let more personality out is bullshit. Not everyone is loud and outgoing. That doesn't mean there's nothing to them. They hate her photo, but loved her critiques. There's no mention of the late arrival at the first challenge, so I guess they don't care. Kahlen. Tyra likes the photo, but says that it's the only good one Kahlen took, and that this was her worst shoot to date. However, they loved her critiques, and 3 of the 4 other girls chose her as having the most model potential. Brittany. The judges all love her photo, praising her over and over about her sensuality and saying that every teenage boy would want this shot above his bed. Janice calls Nigel a "big ol' horny judge", which was funny, but what's really hilarious is that everything that the judges like about the shot is what Orange Jay told Brittany to tone down. Man, even the judges ignore his advice. Yay! Photo shoot aside, the judges think Brittany hasn't learned a thing since she arrived. Nole tells her she's acting like she's in high school. Never thought I'd see the day when I was all, "sing it, Nole".
The girls leave, and the judges have their final discussion. Nigel likes Naima. Everyone hates Christina. Paola thinks Keenyah has a lot of potential. Janice loves Brittany. Tyra inexplicably shifts into some weird ghetto-speak, saying that the only reason Janice likes Brittany is because she reminds her of herself. What follows is so awesome that it has to be transcribed almost word for word.
Nole: Her first face, anyway.
Janice: Don't even get me started, you short, fat, squatty, bald, blind boy.
Nole: All right, you plastic-surgery victim freak of nature.
Paola: This is what I've been waiting to see.
Hahahahahaha! That was totally the highlight of the season so far.
The girls come back in. Naima is safe. Keenyah is safe. Kahlen is safe. Would Brittany and Christina please step forward? Tyra tells them that both of their photos are fine (which is not true), and says that they're both on the bubble because of their attitudes. Christina is an ice-queen. Brittany is a bubblehead. There's very little suspense, because everyone loved Brittany's photo so much. Indeed, Christina is cut. She cries, and hugs everyone. As she packs, she interviews that she doesn't know where confident meets cold, and she'll just have to learn from the experience. Sounds good. On occasion, she looked very, very pretty, but I can't argue with the judges' choice.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Everyone hates each other. Naima stalks out of the room. Keenyah and Brittany are so not BFF anymore.
Overall Grade: B-
Saturday, April 30, 2005
The Girls The Lionesses Are Hunting
America's Next Top Model - Season 4, Episode 9
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Kahlen learned of a friend's death, and channeled her grief into determination at a graveyard-themed photo shoot, resulting in one of her best pictures to date. I'm sure that's a great comfort to her dead friend, looking down from heaven, all "Glad I could help, bitch." Oh, and Tatiana was sent home, to the dismay of...well, pretty much nobody except Tatiana.
We're back at the pad, and it occurs to me that there's really not very many people to root for anymore. Kahlen's not bad (though she's starting to look more and more like Melissa Joan Hart with every passing hour...very disturbing), and Naima's awesome, but that's about it. Everyone talks about how they're in it to win it. Really? And all this time, I figured you wanted to act as cannon fodder so someone thinner and prettier could put you out of your misery. Twits. Of course, this is all just a precursor to the Tyra Mail which asks, "Are you born to be wild?" That irritating song immediately surges through my brain, and will refuse to leave for the duration of the show. Great. I was hoping for another addition to the rapidly growing list called "Evidence That My Subconscious Hates Me". Anyway, the girls figure out that they'll be working with animals, which is pretty impressive when you think about what these girls can't figure out. Like how twist-ties work.
The next morning is dreary and rainy, and the models meet J. Alexander at some sort of wildlife park. I hesitate to call it a nature reserve, because come on. This is Los Angeles. The closest they come to nature are the crows that pick at the bloated raccoon corpses lining the highways. Everyone looks pretty miserable to be standing around in the rain, and boy, do I feel them on that. It's been raining here pretty steadily for almost a week, and I'm already on the verge of taking a nice, relaxing vacation to Death Valley. Miss J introduces everyone to the wildlife park guy, who looks pleased as punch to be hanging out with a bunch of skinny girls with wet T-shirts. And Keenyah, too. Zing! Oh, I'm just kidding. Who in their right mind would think Keenyah is fat? Besides all her friends, of course.
The models learn that their first challenge this week will be to study the animals, then strike a pose that captures their "essence". They all watch very intently as leopards and tigers and bears are paraded before them. They even allow a bear covered in foamy spit to eat a marshmallow out of their mouths. Kahlen finds this disgusting, and while that's understandable, I'm actually kind of jealous. Seriously, it looks fun. You know the world's an unfair place when people like Christina get to do cool things like that and you don't. Anyway, that's all the animals they have to study. It's too bad there weren't any hippos. Keenyah would have had this contest sewn up. The girls all do their poses, and pretty much everyone sucks. It's a crap challenge anyway. I mean, "pose like a bear"? What can you even do except open your mouth like you're trying to catch an errant salmon? Since there has to be a winner, and since the winner should be someone who's good at acting like a slobbering animal, naturally Brittany emerges victorious. She's told to pick two friends to share in the reward, and she chooses Keenyah and Christina. They all celebrate, not noticing as the Irony Fairy looks down and selects them as his next target.
A bunch of lions come out and look at the girls through a wire fence, and then everyone is attacked by the Stay-Puft Marshmallow man. Oh, I'm sorry, that's Tyra, who is wearing an inexplicably ugly parka. She springs the news that everyone will be going to South Africa for the next challenge. They are thrilled to hear it. Then suddenly, we're back at the loft as the girls leave for the airport. So...what were those lions for? What a weird edit. As they haul their baggage out of the loft, I'm struck once again by the hot pink, bubble-lettered graffiti on the wall. It's straight out of the opening credits of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. I half expect Will Smith to show up and teach that uppity Carlton a lesson.
South Africa! On the bus ride to another safari-nature-reserve type thing, Michelle reads some tips and warnings about South African culture out of a pamphlet; things like you should never point at someone with your index finger. As she tries to share this information with the rest of the group, Brittany and Keenyah are laughing it up, interrupting her with a bunch of lame jokes. Michelle takes offense, and interviews that she feels like everything she does is taken as a source of ridicule. On the one hand, I think Brittany and Keenyah were more making fun of the pamphlet than making fun of Michelle. On the other hand, I think she's hit the nail on the head. The other girls have zero respect for her, which is a real shame. Just because she's kinda ugly doesn't mean she doesn't deserve some common courtesy. Cheer up, Ugly Michelle!
Since Tyra and Company probably had to spend a lot of money to shoot in South Africa, they're going to show every damn minute they filmed, audience be damned, so we're treated to about 20 minutes of filler. Let's see if I can hit the salient points. Tyra talks about the burgeoning South African fashion industry. Everyone oohs and aahs like they can't believe that such backwards people even wear clothes, let alone manufacture and sell them. The girls all dance around in a circle with some African tribesmen, who are putting on just as much of a trained show as the animals back in LA did. Poor guys. I'm guessing the second the cameras are turned off and the tourists go home, they're all "Christ, finally. Honey, could you get me a beer?"
The next day, the girls go on a mini-safari, and as they cruise by the animals, their guide gives them some tips to avoid being attacked by lions, namely: shut the fuck up. Three guesses who has trouble following this simple rule. Yes, Brittany pretty much prattles away moronically, as she's prone to do. A bunch of lionesses stare at the car, and one actually starts to approach. Everyone looks terrified, and hysterically whisper to Brittany to shut her fat yap. Go for Keenyah, lions! She's packed with meat! Nobody gets mauled, but how cool would that have been? Unsurprisingly, the easiest way to get away from the lion is to simply press the damn gas pedal, so the models will live to see another day. That night, Brittany, Keenyah, and Christina are finally told about their reward; they'll get to stay in some lovely hotel accommodations while the other girls have to rough it in some tents. The "winners" make a bunch of kissy noises as they take off, basically rubbing the other girls' noses in it. Since this seems to be the week of assholes getting their comeuppance, they discover that their hotel, while beautiful, is swarming with insects, and no amount of rose petals in the jacuzzi will prevent them from being eaten alive all night. There's even a quick cut back to the campsite, where the other girls are sleeping like babies. Hah! Nice work, editors.
Breakfast. Keenyah gets up to get some more food, and Brittany warns her about eating too much. Keenyah protests that she's only going to get some yogurt but Brittany won't relent, saying that's she's only bringing it up because she likes Keenyah. That is so sweet. I think the next time I see a good friend, I'll tell them how ugly their hair is, because that's just the kind of caring person I am. Shut up, Brittany. Since it's rude to point the index finger in South Africa, I'll just wave a different finger in your direction. "It's just yogurt!" Keenyah exclaims, and that's pretty much going to be my catch phrase of choice for the upcoming week.
Time for the main challenge. Jay Manuel appears, looking even uglier and more unnatural in this beautiful setting than he does in LA. He introduces Gerda the photographer, and explains that the girls will be photographed with a bottle of Lubriderm while being dressed as various animals and posing with Mary the crocodile. Isn't that a great name for a crocodile? It's just so incongruous, giving a dangerous animal an almost boringly normal name. Awesome. Kahlen will be a springbok, the national animal of South Africa. Christina - ostrich. Michelle - zebra. Brittany - giraffe. Naima - cheetah. And Keenyah...oh, poor Keenyah. Keenyah will be the elephant. Such a porker, that one. The girls get prepared, and the shoot begins. Brittany's giraffe looks amazing. Amazing hair, amazing outfit, amazing makeup, and loath as I am to admit it, amazing pose. She just nailed this one. Christina the ostrich looks good too. She's kind of gawky anyway, so it works for her. Someone needs to tell her that it's flamingos that stand on one leg, though. No juice and cookies until you study your Sierra Club flashcards, Christina. Kahlen seems to get over her animal revulsion as she puts one hand firmly on Mary's back. Everyone tells her that she did a marvelous job with her springbok photo, but I'm not feeling it. She's squatting weirdly, and her makeup is distracting. Naima is gorgeous, as always. Her mohawky hair works well for the cheetah, and she does a very lithe, catlike pose. I'm telling you she's going to win this thing.
Keenyah looks ridiculous. It's not entirely her fault, since her elephant costume looks like something a second-grader threw together at the last minute for the school play. Still, she does a pretty dumb pose, angling her arm to symbolize "elephant trunk" and landing closer to "fighting off an axe murderer". She interviews that she's been putting on some weight, and had to suck in her gut for the photos. Yeah, I'll bet she's tipping the scales at, like, 80 pounds. Michelle looks nothing like a zebra, except that she's dressed in black and white. She just plants a foot on Mary and strikes a generic model pose. I'm not sure zebras caress their own thighs like that, Michelle.
That night, the girls are eating dinner at a place called The Five Flies, which is the greatest name for a restaurant, ever. Everyone's chatting and laughing, and out of nowhere, Naima says "Are you feeling alienated, Michelle?" Michelle kind of doesn't have answer to that, and how can she? If she says yes, she comes off as a whiny complainer. If she says no, she looks like a hypocritical liar. I have no idea if Naima said that because she's genuinely concerned about Michelle, or to try and lighten the mood or to be a snotty bitch. It was very strange and inappropriate, and the only end result is to make Michelle feel like shit. I hate to say it, but shut up, Naima.
It's time for the judging and final challenge. Present as always are Janice, Nigel, Tyra, and Nole, with special guest judge Gerda the photographer. The challenge is to take an object and use it to emote a word that the judges give. Let's begin. Show me passion! Fear! Anger! Happiness! Aloof! A-what? None of the models have a clue what aloof means. They even ask for hints. Smile pretty, girls. I'm not sensing a lot of available backup careers for you. The judges deliberate. Kahlen has really stepped up. Brittany is an ass, but takes good photos. Naima is awesome. Christina is Christina. Michelle sucks. Keenyah is fat. They call the girls back in for their usual dressing down. Janice complains that none of them conveyed true passion, and to demonstrate what that is, gets up and plants a huge one right on Tyra's mouth. I watch agape in fascination and horror as they fall to the ground, and Janice wraps her legs around Tyra like she's trying to climb the rope in gym class. Well, you can't say that wasn't passionate. The judges tell Keenyah that she's too pudgy, Christina that she has no upper lip, and Naima that she's a cipher with no personality. Ouch. This show rips through self-esteem like a hot knife through butter. And hey, isn't that why we're tuning in?
There are six girls, but only five photos. Kahlen is safe. Brittany is safe. Christina. Naima. Will Michelle and Keenyah please step forward? Tyra tells Keenyah that she needs to slim down and focus more on her photos, and gives Michelle a bunch of generic criticism that basically boils down to: "You're too ugly to be a model". Keenyah receives her picture, and Michelle will be going home. She cries and packs her things as she voices over that she was in it to win it (sigh), and is sorry to have to leave. She leaves a note for the other girls (with a big smiley face on it; you just know she's one of those women who doesn't know when its time to stop writing notes in purple ink and dotting her I's with little hearts) wishing them luck. Aw. She seems like a nice person, but it's hard to argue with the judges' decision on this one. Michelle does the Back to the Future fadeout from the cast photo. And then there were five.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Keenyah is...you guessed it! In it to win it. The girls are offered a chance to judge each other, and catty sniping ensues. Oooh, that looks fun.
Overall Grade: B-
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Kahlen learned of a friend's death, and channeled her grief into determination at a graveyard-themed photo shoot, resulting in one of her best pictures to date. I'm sure that's a great comfort to her dead friend, looking down from heaven, all "Glad I could help, bitch." Oh, and Tatiana was sent home, to the dismay of...well, pretty much nobody except Tatiana.
We're back at the pad, and it occurs to me that there's really not very many people to root for anymore. Kahlen's not bad (though she's starting to look more and more like Melissa Joan Hart with every passing hour...very disturbing), and Naima's awesome, but that's about it. Everyone talks about how they're in it to win it. Really? And all this time, I figured you wanted to act as cannon fodder so someone thinner and prettier could put you out of your misery. Twits. Of course, this is all just a precursor to the Tyra Mail which asks, "Are you born to be wild?" That irritating song immediately surges through my brain, and will refuse to leave for the duration of the show. Great. I was hoping for another addition to the rapidly growing list called "Evidence That My Subconscious Hates Me". Anyway, the girls figure out that they'll be working with animals, which is pretty impressive when you think about what these girls can't figure out. Like how twist-ties work.
The next morning is dreary and rainy, and the models meet J. Alexander at some sort of wildlife park. I hesitate to call it a nature reserve, because come on. This is Los Angeles. The closest they come to nature are the crows that pick at the bloated raccoon corpses lining the highways. Everyone looks pretty miserable to be standing around in the rain, and boy, do I feel them on that. It's been raining here pretty steadily for almost a week, and I'm already on the verge of taking a nice, relaxing vacation to Death Valley. Miss J introduces everyone to the wildlife park guy, who looks pleased as punch to be hanging out with a bunch of skinny girls with wet T-shirts. And Keenyah, too. Zing! Oh, I'm just kidding. Who in their right mind would think Keenyah is fat? Besides all her friends, of course.
The models learn that their first challenge this week will be to study the animals, then strike a pose that captures their "essence". They all watch very intently as leopards and tigers and bears are paraded before them. They even allow a bear covered in foamy spit to eat a marshmallow out of their mouths. Kahlen finds this disgusting, and while that's understandable, I'm actually kind of jealous. Seriously, it looks fun. You know the world's an unfair place when people like Christina get to do cool things like that and you don't. Anyway, that's all the animals they have to study. It's too bad there weren't any hippos. Keenyah would have had this contest sewn up. The girls all do their poses, and pretty much everyone sucks. It's a crap challenge anyway. I mean, "pose like a bear"? What can you even do except open your mouth like you're trying to catch an errant salmon? Since there has to be a winner, and since the winner should be someone who's good at acting like a slobbering animal, naturally Brittany emerges victorious. She's told to pick two friends to share in the reward, and she chooses Keenyah and Christina. They all celebrate, not noticing as the Irony Fairy looks down and selects them as his next target.
A bunch of lions come out and look at the girls through a wire fence, and then everyone is attacked by the Stay-Puft Marshmallow man. Oh, I'm sorry, that's Tyra, who is wearing an inexplicably ugly parka. She springs the news that everyone will be going to South Africa for the next challenge. They are thrilled to hear it. Then suddenly, we're back at the loft as the girls leave for the airport. So...what were those lions for? What a weird edit. As they haul their baggage out of the loft, I'm struck once again by the hot pink, bubble-lettered graffiti on the wall. It's straight out of the opening credits of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. I half expect Will Smith to show up and teach that uppity Carlton a lesson.
South Africa! On the bus ride to another safari-nature-reserve type thing, Michelle reads some tips and warnings about South African culture out of a pamphlet; things like you should never point at someone with your index finger. As she tries to share this information with the rest of the group, Brittany and Keenyah are laughing it up, interrupting her with a bunch of lame jokes. Michelle takes offense, and interviews that she feels like everything she does is taken as a source of ridicule. On the one hand, I think Brittany and Keenyah were more making fun of the pamphlet than making fun of Michelle. On the other hand, I think she's hit the nail on the head. The other girls have zero respect for her, which is a real shame. Just because she's kinda ugly doesn't mean she doesn't deserve some common courtesy. Cheer up, Ugly Michelle!
Since Tyra and Company probably had to spend a lot of money to shoot in South Africa, they're going to show every damn minute they filmed, audience be damned, so we're treated to about 20 minutes of filler. Let's see if I can hit the salient points. Tyra talks about the burgeoning South African fashion industry. Everyone oohs and aahs like they can't believe that such backwards people even wear clothes, let alone manufacture and sell them. The girls all dance around in a circle with some African tribesmen, who are putting on just as much of a trained show as the animals back in LA did. Poor guys. I'm guessing the second the cameras are turned off and the tourists go home, they're all "Christ, finally. Honey, could you get me a beer?"
The next day, the girls go on a mini-safari, and as they cruise by the animals, their guide gives them some tips to avoid being attacked by lions, namely: shut the fuck up. Three guesses who has trouble following this simple rule. Yes, Brittany pretty much prattles away moronically, as she's prone to do. A bunch of lionesses stare at the car, and one actually starts to approach. Everyone looks terrified, and hysterically whisper to Brittany to shut her fat yap. Go for Keenyah, lions! She's packed with meat! Nobody gets mauled, but how cool would that have been? Unsurprisingly, the easiest way to get away from the lion is to simply press the damn gas pedal, so the models will live to see another day. That night, Brittany, Keenyah, and Christina are finally told about their reward; they'll get to stay in some lovely hotel accommodations while the other girls have to rough it in some tents. The "winners" make a bunch of kissy noises as they take off, basically rubbing the other girls' noses in it. Since this seems to be the week of assholes getting their comeuppance, they discover that their hotel, while beautiful, is swarming with insects, and no amount of rose petals in the jacuzzi will prevent them from being eaten alive all night. There's even a quick cut back to the campsite, where the other girls are sleeping like babies. Hah! Nice work, editors.
Breakfast. Keenyah gets up to get some more food, and Brittany warns her about eating too much. Keenyah protests that she's only going to get some yogurt but Brittany won't relent, saying that's she's only bringing it up because she likes Keenyah. That is so sweet. I think the next time I see a good friend, I'll tell them how ugly their hair is, because that's just the kind of caring person I am. Shut up, Brittany. Since it's rude to point the index finger in South Africa, I'll just wave a different finger in your direction. "It's just yogurt!" Keenyah exclaims, and that's pretty much going to be my catch phrase of choice for the upcoming week.
Time for the main challenge. Jay Manuel appears, looking even uglier and more unnatural in this beautiful setting than he does in LA. He introduces Gerda the photographer, and explains that the girls will be photographed with a bottle of Lubriderm while being dressed as various animals and posing with Mary the crocodile. Isn't that a great name for a crocodile? It's just so incongruous, giving a dangerous animal an almost boringly normal name. Awesome. Kahlen will be a springbok, the national animal of South Africa. Christina - ostrich. Michelle - zebra. Brittany - giraffe. Naima - cheetah. And Keenyah...oh, poor Keenyah. Keenyah will be the elephant. Such a porker, that one. The girls get prepared, and the shoot begins. Brittany's giraffe looks amazing. Amazing hair, amazing outfit, amazing makeup, and loath as I am to admit it, amazing pose. She just nailed this one. Christina the ostrich looks good too. She's kind of gawky anyway, so it works for her. Someone needs to tell her that it's flamingos that stand on one leg, though. No juice and cookies until you study your Sierra Club flashcards, Christina. Kahlen seems to get over her animal revulsion as she puts one hand firmly on Mary's back. Everyone tells her that she did a marvelous job with her springbok photo, but I'm not feeling it. She's squatting weirdly, and her makeup is distracting. Naima is gorgeous, as always. Her mohawky hair works well for the cheetah, and she does a very lithe, catlike pose. I'm telling you she's going to win this thing.
Keenyah looks ridiculous. It's not entirely her fault, since her elephant costume looks like something a second-grader threw together at the last minute for the school play. Still, she does a pretty dumb pose, angling her arm to symbolize "elephant trunk" and landing closer to "fighting off an axe murderer". She interviews that she's been putting on some weight, and had to suck in her gut for the photos. Yeah, I'll bet she's tipping the scales at, like, 80 pounds. Michelle looks nothing like a zebra, except that she's dressed in black and white. She just plants a foot on Mary and strikes a generic model pose. I'm not sure zebras caress their own thighs like that, Michelle.
That night, the girls are eating dinner at a place called The Five Flies, which is the greatest name for a restaurant, ever. Everyone's chatting and laughing, and out of nowhere, Naima says "Are you feeling alienated, Michelle?" Michelle kind of doesn't have answer to that, and how can she? If she says yes, she comes off as a whiny complainer. If she says no, she looks like a hypocritical liar. I have no idea if Naima said that because she's genuinely concerned about Michelle, or to try and lighten the mood or to be a snotty bitch. It was very strange and inappropriate, and the only end result is to make Michelle feel like shit. I hate to say it, but shut up, Naima.
It's time for the judging and final challenge. Present as always are Janice, Nigel, Tyra, and Nole, with special guest judge Gerda the photographer. The challenge is to take an object and use it to emote a word that the judges give. Let's begin. Show me passion! Fear! Anger! Happiness! Aloof! A-what? None of the models have a clue what aloof means. They even ask for hints. Smile pretty, girls. I'm not sensing a lot of available backup careers for you. The judges deliberate. Kahlen has really stepped up. Brittany is an ass, but takes good photos. Naima is awesome. Christina is Christina. Michelle sucks. Keenyah is fat. They call the girls back in for their usual dressing down. Janice complains that none of them conveyed true passion, and to demonstrate what that is, gets up and plants a huge one right on Tyra's mouth. I watch agape in fascination and horror as they fall to the ground, and Janice wraps her legs around Tyra like she's trying to climb the rope in gym class. Well, you can't say that wasn't passionate. The judges tell Keenyah that she's too pudgy, Christina that she has no upper lip, and Naima that she's a cipher with no personality. Ouch. This show rips through self-esteem like a hot knife through butter. And hey, isn't that why we're tuning in?
There are six girls, but only five photos. Kahlen is safe. Brittany is safe. Christina. Naima. Will Michelle and Keenyah please step forward? Tyra tells Keenyah that she needs to slim down and focus more on her photos, and gives Michelle a bunch of generic criticism that basically boils down to: "You're too ugly to be a model". Keenyah receives her picture, and Michelle will be going home. She cries and packs her things as she voices over that she was in it to win it (sigh), and is sorry to have to leave. She leaves a note for the other girls (with a big smiley face on it; you just know she's one of those women who doesn't know when its time to stop writing notes in purple ink and dotting her I's with little hearts) wishing them luck. Aw. She seems like a nice person, but it's hard to argue with the judges' decision on this one. Michelle does the Back to the Future fadeout from the cast photo. And then there were five.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Keenyah is...you guessed it! In it to win it. The girls are offered a chance to judge each other, and catty sniping ensues. Oooh, that looks fun.
Overall Grade: B-
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