America's Next Top Model - Season 10, Episode 12
Previously on America's Next Top Model: A shark-jumping bore of a season.
In the first half of the finale, the final three girls do another CoverGirl commercial, though thankfully it's in English this time. None of the three do spectacularly well, though when has doing well ever had any effect on the judging later? The commercial is followed by the traditional beauty shot. The first panel strikes, and Fatima takes the long walk home.
That leaves Whitney and Anya to duke it out at the fashion show, and Whitney is clearly better. Again, not that it would make a difference if the judges didn't want it to. My hopes are raised when Whitney's portfolio is highly praised at the final panel, and though LabRat suspects they're just covering their skinny asses before cutting her wider one, she pulls out the win. Yay! If this season weren't so tedious, I'd be jumping off the couch at a beautiful, deserving plus-sized winner. But it was, so let's all give a big thumbs up to Whitney, and turn our attention to more important matters.
Overall Grade: B+
Overall Season Grade: C+
Showing posts with label ANTM10. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ANTM10. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Ready for My Close-Up
America's Next Top Model - Season 10, Episode 11
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Katarzyna was pretty, but boring, and got eliminated. That's all they can find to say about last week, so they see fit to tell us what happened two weeks ago as well. I'll assume you're up to speed.
The challenge this week is to act as photographer, and each of the girls takes pictures of Paulina in the park. Whitney and Fatima do a nice job, but Anya and Dominique are too unfocused. Fatima wins the challenge, which gives her fifty extra frames at the upcoming photo shoot.
The shoot is photographed by Nigel, and the girls are styled as '50s glamour queens who have been caught by the paparazzi. Because swarms of paparazzi were such a big problem in the 1950s.
LabRat: "If this were really the '50s, Fatima would be dressed like a maid."
Nobody seems to do that great a job, but Anya lucks into a good shot, and Whitney's natural beauty powers her through. That leaves Fatima and Dominique in the bottom two, and the battle of whose self-satisfaction is least warranted is finally settled, as Dominique is banished.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: This crushing bore of a season comes to a close. I'm throwing my tepid support behind Whitney.
Overall Grade: C
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Katarzyna was pretty, but boring, and got eliminated. That's all they can find to say about last week, so they see fit to tell us what happened two weeks ago as well. I'll assume you're up to speed.
The challenge this week is to act as photographer, and each of the girls takes pictures of Paulina in the park. Whitney and Fatima do a nice job, but Anya and Dominique are too unfocused. Fatima wins the challenge, which gives her fifty extra frames at the upcoming photo shoot.
The shoot is photographed by Nigel, and the girls are styled as '50s glamour queens who have been caught by the paparazzi. Because swarms of paparazzi were such a big problem in the 1950s.
LabRat: "If this were really the '50s, Fatima would be dressed like a maid."
Nobody seems to do that great a job, but Anya lucks into a good shot, and Whitney's natural beauty powers her through. That leaves Fatima and Dominique in the bottom two, and the battle of whose self-satisfaction is least warranted is finally settled, as Dominique is banished.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: This crushing bore of a season comes to a close. I'm throwing my tepid support behind Whitney.
Overall Grade: C
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
We Are Spartans
America's Next Top Model - Season 10, Episode 10
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Fatima got sick, but improved in time to do relatively well with the CoverGirl commercial. Whitney was called out for being too fake, but there was no getting around how awful Lauren's performance was, and no amount of great photos could save her from getting the boot in the country shaped like one. Five girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
The girls discuss how the judges treat them at panel. Whitney and Fatima have a brief, catty bonding moment, backstabbing Katarzyna by gossipping about how bland she is. I guess I can't be too harsh, as I kind of agree. Later, the girls are taken to a picturesque ruin to get some quick and dirty training in gladiator fight moves. After getting dressed up like Xena extras, they're pitted against a beefy warrior for an impromptu photo challenge. Dominique appears petrified, as if he's actually going to run her through with his sword. Which I guess is an understandable fear if you're Dominique. Whitney wins the challenge and 1000 euros to go shopping with, but kindly chooses to split the loot with Anya.
Later, the girls head to a castle to be photographed by Tyra, and they're all styled as Renaissance hookers. Or something. Tyra tells them to act in the manner of the period, but also to act as if they've just had a night at the club, and be sure to give it a modern twist. Great direction, Tyra. Why not just give them some advice like "I want you to act like a carrot, but a carrot that has just been laid off from its job as a plumber. And...go!" Anya, Dominique, and Fatima all do well, but Katarzyna continues her reign of bland, and Whitney's "best shot" is nothing of the kind. Fix! At panel, the minor, subservient judges dutifully stroke Tyra's ego, and pretend she's an amazing photographer. Dominique gets rightfully chastised for looking trashy as hell, while Katarzyna and Whitney sink to the bottom two. Whitney struggles through for yet another week, and Katarzyna walks the plank with her head held high. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Fatima and Dominique continue their mini-competition to see whose inflated sense of self-worth is bigger. Nigel has issues with the photo shoot.
Overall Grade: B
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Fatima got sick, but improved in time to do relatively well with the CoverGirl commercial. Whitney was called out for being too fake, but there was no getting around how awful Lauren's performance was, and no amount of great photos could save her from getting the boot in the country shaped like one. Five girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
The girls discuss how the judges treat them at panel. Whitney and Fatima have a brief, catty bonding moment, backstabbing Katarzyna by gossipping about how bland she is. I guess I can't be too harsh, as I kind of agree. Later, the girls are taken to a picturesque ruin to get some quick and dirty training in gladiator fight moves. After getting dressed up like Xena extras, they're pitted against a beefy warrior for an impromptu photo challenge. Dominique appears petrified, as if he's actually going to run her through with his sword. Which I guess is an understandable fear if you're Dominique. Whitney wins the challenge and 1000 euros to go shopping with, but kindly chooses to split the loot with Anya.
Later, the girls head to a castle to be photographed by Tyra, and they're all styled as Renaissance hookers. Or something. Tyra tells them to act in the manner of the period, but also to act as if they've just had a night at the club, and be sure to give it a modern twist. Great direction, Tyra. Why not just give them some advice like "I want you to act like a carrot, but a carrot that has just been laid off from its job as a plumber. And...go!" Anya, Dominique, and Fatima all do well, but Katarzyna continues her reign of bland, and Whitney's "best shot" is nothing of the kind. Fix! At panel, the minor, subservient judges dutifully stroke Tyra's ego, and pretend she's an amazing photographer. Dominique gets rightfully chastised for looking trashy as hell, while Katarzyna and Whitney sink to the bottom two. Whitney struggles through for yet another week, and Katarzyna walks the plank with her head held high. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Fatima and Dominique continue their mini-competition to see whose inflated sense of self-worth is bigger. Nigel has issues with the photo shoot.
Overall Grade: B
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Viva Italia
America's Next Top Model - Season 10, Episode 9
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Fatima suddenly remembered that travel often involves travel documents. Lauren sliced her thumb. Fatima got an appointment to score a passport, but going to it made her miss the photo shoot. Luckily for her, Stacy-Ann was far too normal to go any further in the competition, so Fatima lived to grouse another day. Six girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Rome, Italy. All the girls are super-excited to be here. Anya's so excited, she falls flat on her face at the Coliseum. Whitney's still plus-sized, in case you've forgotten. After a tour of the city, the girls arrive at their swank new model pad, which is beautiful. As soon as the girls get there, Fatima feels ill. She takes to her bed, which gives the other girls time to backstab her at the dinner table. Dominique seems to think that sickness is just a state of mind. No wonder Tyra likes her so much. Anya doesn't indulge in the catty gossip, taking Fatima a plate of food, instead. Aw. Fatima cries that being sick is the last thing she needs right now. I don't doubt that she's sick, but there comes a time when you're just like, "OK, what will Fatima's next excuse be? Killer tree shrews?"
The next day, Lauren bangs around the pad loudly, and the other girls interpret this as her being over the entire competition. What'ere. The girls head out to gawk at Italian women while riding Segways. It's as exciting as it sounds. Then, it's off to meet an Italian designer to prove that they've learned something. They get dressed in various Italian fashions and walk for the designer. Fatima tries to overcome her cough, while Whitney tries to overcome her weight. The designer thinks Dominqiue looks old, which is awesome. Lauren's walk is still atrocious. Anya bags yet another challenge, and wins a dress to wear at a red-carpet event.
The seasonal CoverGirl commercial looms, which fills Lauren with dread. Indeed, the girls learn that they'll be filming a thirty-second spot, and that they'll be delivering their lines in Italian. Standouts include Katarzyna, whose language aptitude is understandable, and Fatima, who does an excellent job of balancing language and delivery. Everyone else mostly sucks, though for different reasons. Anya's Italian is poor. Dominique's is just as bad, and she looks like a Sabado Gigante hostess to boot. She's so bad, the director hides his face in embarrassment. Whitney comes across as phony. And Lauren? Lauren is absolutely wretched. Never has a girl been this bad at the CoverGirl spot. Not even when they had to do it in Japanese.
At Panel, Whitney is saved by the fact that she at least managed to deliver a commercial, no matter how fake it seemed. Fatima is given top marks, and Katarzyna makes another futile attempt to teach Tyra how to pronounce her name. Tyra doesn't take kindly to being corrected, and tries to take it out on Katarzyna's perfectly acceptable commercial by calling it "boring sexy". Thankfully, Paulina smacks her down. The bottom two come down to Whitney, who's too phony, and Lauren, who's not phony enough. Although you know the judges would dearly love to eliminate Whitney, Lauren's commercial is simply too horrible to overlook, and she's tossed. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Tyra photographs the girls in feathery hats. Then they dress up as hooker cavewomen.
Overall Grade: B-
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Fatima suddenly remembered that travel often involves travel documents. Lauren sliced her thumb. Fatima got an appointment to score a passport, but going to it made her miss the photo shoot. Luckily for her, Stacy-Ann was far too normal to go any further in the competition, so Fatima lived to grouse another day. Six girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Rome, Italy. All the girls are super-excited to be here. Anya's so excited, she falls flat on her face at the Coliseum. Whitney's still plus-sized, in case you've forgotten. After a tour of the city, the girls arrive at their swank new model pad, which is beautiful. As soon as the girls get there, Fatima feels ill. She takes to her bed, which gives the other girls time to backstab her at the dinner table. Dominique seems to think that sickness is just a state of mind. No wonder Tyra likes her so much. Anya doesn't indulge in the catty gossip, taking Fatima a plate of food, instead. Aw. Fatima cries that being sick is the last thing she needs right now. I don't doubt that she's sick, but there comes a time when you're just like, "OK, what will Fatima's next excuse be? Killer tree shrews?"
The next day, Lauren bangs around the pad loudly, and the other girls interpret this as her being over the entire competition. What'ere. The girls head out to gawk at Italian women while riding Segways. It's as exciting as it sounds. Then, it's off to meet an Italian designer to prove that they've learned something. They get dressed in various Italian fashions and walk for the designer. Fatima tries to overcome her cough, while Whitney tries to overcome her weight. The designer thinks Dominqiue looks old, which is awesome. Lauren's walk is still atrocious. Anya bags yet another challenge, and wins a dress to wear at a red-carpet event.
The seasonal CoverGirl commercial looms, which fills Lauren with dread. Indeed, the girls learn that they'll be filming a thirty-second spot, and that they'll be delivering their lines in Italian. Standouts include Katarzyna, whose language aptitude is understandable, and Fatima, who does an excellent job of balancing language and delivery. Everyone else mostly sucks, though for different reasons. Anya's Italian is poor. Dominique's is just as bad, and she looks like a Sabado Gigante hostess to boot. She's so bad, the director hides his face in embarrassment. Whitney comes across as phony. And Lauren? Lauren is absolutely wretched. Never has a girl been this bad at the CoverGirl spot. Not even when they had to do it in Japanese.
At Panel, Whitney is saved by the fact that she at least managed to deliver a commercial, no matter how fake it seemed. Fatima is given top marks, and Katarzyna makes another futile attempt to teach Tyra how to pronounce her name. Tyra doesn't take kindly to being corrected, and tries to take it out on Katarzyna's perfectly acceptable commercial by calling it "boring sexy". Thankfully, Paulina smacks her down. The bottom two come down to Whitney, who's too phony, and Lauren, who's not phony enough. Although you know the judges would dearly love to eliminate Whitney, Lauren's commercial is simply too horrible to overlook, and she's tossed. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Tyra photographs the girls in feathery hats. Then they dress up as hooker cavewomen.
Overall Grade: B-
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
For Those About to Walk, We Salute You
America's Next Top Model - Season 10, Episode 8
Previously on America's Next Top Model: The girls went to see. Whitney got hosed by people who aren't anxious to see a girl with an actual ass get modeling work, but I'm sure that nothing like that will happen tonight! Lauren's walk continued to suck. Claire's early promise flamed out, sending her home to a baby who will no doubt be thrilled to have an actual breast to latch onto. Seven girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
For those about to be confused by an episode title that makes no sense, we agree with you. The girls are all shocked that Claire got eliminated, but must sense that they just managed to lose some major competition. Everyone's really got their eyes on the prize, now. The girls also know that we're about to the point that they'll be sent abroad, so Fatima suddenly remembers that whoops...she doesn't have a passport or visa. She freaks out, because if she can't go abroad, she may be eliminated by default. No wonder she's surprised. It's not like the girls are sent abroad every single season. Oh, wait. They are.
Paulina drops by to give the girls some advice on conducting an interview, from both sides of the mic. As with all interview segments, it's really boring. Whitney decides to make some latkes, and Lauren joins her. As Lauren slices an onion, she clips the end of her fingernail off, probably taking some skin with it. Ouch! She's hurried off to the hospital, and in a strange confluence of events, Fatima is sympathetic, while Whitney's like "learn to cut an onion, freak".
Later, the girls are invited to a party thrown by 7-Up, complete with fake paparazzi outside who pretend that people are starving for pictures of reality show wannabes and the Jays. An equally contrived interviewer asks the girls a couple of questions. Dominique flubs the name of the designer who provided the dress, while Stacy-Ann and Whitney are taken to task for appearing phony. Stacy-Ann, I'll buy. But Whitney was perfectly natural and at ease. Lauren works her thumb bandage, but the interviewer tells her to watch her "potty mouth". You know what I hate more than inappropriate cursing? Adults who use the word "potty" in a sentence that's not "We're going to try and start potty training our son this weekend." Just so you know how much of a set-up this challenge is, Marble-mouthed Anya wins. The interview challenge. No, really. Once again, she's photographed naked. Someone sure wants to see as much Anya tit as possible. At least she gets some corporate kickback this time, scoring a $10,000 check.
Fatima tells us about her lack of a passport about a kajillion times, and the producers set up an interview for her to get a new one. The girls are told to pack their bags, and they all squeal with excitement, assuming that this is the call to go abroad. But they're foiled by a photo shoot at the airport, where they're all styled in very Cate Archer-esque travel outfits. It's pretty. Fatima has to leave to go to her appointment, and misses the shoot entirely. Once the girls are dismissed, they find themselves faced with the judging panel right there at the airport. Fatima makes it back in time for this (convenient!), and she's told they'll just have to judge her entire body of work. Anya continues to be oddly drooled-over, while Whitney continues to be oddly criticized for seeming fake. The bottom two shake out to be Fatima and Stacy-Ann, and though Fatima is roundly chastised for not thinking of her missing passport before now, she's got more bitch potential than Stacy-Ann, so she's safe. Stacy-Ann is barely out of frame before the other girls have forgotten her, thrilled over the news that now, it's time to go abroad. It's off to Rome!
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Rome. Dominique struggles with phonetic Italian. Shocking.
Overall Grade: B
Previously on America's Next Top Model: The girls went to see. Whitney got hosed by people who aren't anxious to see a girl with an actual ass get modeling work, but I'm sure that nothing like that will happen tonight! Lauren's walk continued to suck. Claire's early promise flamed out, sending her home to a baby who will no doubt be thrilled to have an actual breast to latch onto. Seven girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
For those about to be confused by an episode title that makes no sense, we agree with you. The girls are all shocked that Claire got eliminated, but must sense that they just managed to lose some major competition. Everyone's really got their eyes on the prize, now. The girls also know that we're about to the point that they'll be sent abroad, so Fatima suddenly remembers that whoops...she doesn't have a passport or visa. She freaks out, because if she can't go abroad, she may be eliminated by default. No wonder she's surprised. It's not like the girls are sent abroad every single season. Oh, wait. They are.
Paulina drops by to give the girls some advice on conducting an interview, from both sides of the mic. As with all interview segments, it's really boring. Whitney decides to make some latkes, and Lauren joins her. As Lauren slices an onion, she clips the end of her fingernail off, probably taking some skin with it. Ouch! She's hurried off to the hospital, and in a strange confluence of events, Fatima is sympathetic, while Whitney's like "learn to cut an onion, freak".
Later, the girls are invited to a party thrown by 7-Up, complete with fake paparazzi outside who pretend that people are starving for pictures of reality show wannabes and the Jays. An equally contrived interviewer asks the girls a couple of questions. Dominique flubs the name of the designer who provided the dress, while Stacy-Ann and Whitney are taken to task for appearing phony. Stacy-Ann, I'll buy. But Whitney was perfectly natural and at ease. Lauren works her thumb bandage, but the interviewer tells her to watch her "potty mouth". You know what I hate more than inappropriate cursing? Adults who use the word "potty" in a sentence that's not "We're going to try and start potty training our son this weekend." Just so you know how much of a set-up this challenge is, Marble-mouthed Anya wins. The interview challenge. No, really. Once again, she's photographed naked. Someone sure wants to see as much Anya tit as possible. At least she gets some corporate kickback this time, scoring a $10,000 check.
Fatima tells us about her lack of a passport about a kajillion times, and the producers set up an interview for her to get a new one. The girls are told to pack their bags, and they all squeal with excitement, assuming that this is the call to go abroad. But they're foiled by a photo shoot at the airport, where they're all styled in very Cate Archer-esque travel outfits. It's pretty. Fatima has to leave to go to her appointment, and misses the shoot entirely. Once the girls are dismissed, they find themselves faced with the judging panel right there at the airport. Fatima makes it back in time for this (convenient!), and she's told they'll just have to judge her entire body of work. Anya continues to be oddly drooled-over, while Whitney continues to be oddly criticized for seeming fake. The bottom two shake out to be Fatima and Stacy-Ann, and though Fatima is roundly chastised for not thinking of her missing passport before now, she's got more bitch potential than Stacy-Ann, so she's safe. Stacy-Ann is barely out of frame before the other girls have forgotten her, thrilled over the news that now, it's time to go abroad. It's off to Rome!
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Rome. Dominique struggles with phonetic Italian. Shocking.
Overall Grade: B
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
If You Can't Make It Here, You Can't Make It Anywhere
America's Next Top Model - Season 10, Episode 7
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Everyone hated Dominique, which Omniscient Tyra takes great pleasure in announcing. Claire and Aimee had trouble portraying musical styles, and since Claire has more potential in her breast milk than Aimee had in her whole body, Aimee took her shy self home. Eight girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Whitney is surprised and pleased to have been called first last week. She feels it's time for America's Next Top Model to crown a plus-sized winner. Claire is relieved to have survived the bottom two, but some of the other girls rightfully peg her gleeful dance at seeing Aimee chopped as a bit insensitive. At the model pad, Fatima makes coffee, someone drinks or pours it out, she blames Lauren, and Lauren tells her to fuck off. The end. These pointless fights are getting increasingly tedious.
Tyra Mail informs the girls that they'll be going on their traditional go-sees, but in a new twist, the girls are dispatched in two teams, rather than individually. Dominique and Whitney find themselves on the same team, and swear they'll get along. No mention is made of the fact that Claire, who also hates Dominique, is also on the team. Whitney is criticized for being plus-sized by a designer, but tries to take it gracefully. Less graceful is Dominique, who can't wait to see Whitney's fat ass canned. Shocking. Actually, the same designer has trouble fitting Fatima, because she's too small. Jeez, Goldilocks wasn't this fucking picky. Whitney does better at the next designer, who actually has outfits to fit different body types. Imagine that. Lauren's walk is still horrendous. The teams are mostly tied going into the third and final go-see, but the Claire/Dominique/Whitney/Stacy-Ann team wins, thanks mostly to Stacy-Ann, who all the designers loved. Their prize is a picture in Seventeen. Zzzz.
The next day, the girls head to the photo shoot. They're usually really good at coming up with good ideas for shoots, but this one is a snoozer. Basically, the girls will be approximating "performance" "art" by flinging themselves onto a clear sheet covered in water with no hair or makeup products and photographed from below. Claire does a bellyflop, not really getting that three inches of water does not a swimming pool make. She hurts herself a bit, but eventually pulls it together. OJ feels her poses are a bit stilted. The rest of the girls do fair to middling, though Whitney knocks it out of the park, and Stacy-Ann struggles. Katarzyna gets her hair chopped right before her shoot, and she looks good.
At Panel, most of the pictures wind up looking blurry and bland, though the judges try to convince themselves that it was a fabulous idea. Despite all that, Whitney and Fatima manage to get good pictures. In deliberations, the judges say Claire is becoming one-note, Katarzyna needs to show some personality, and Dominique looked totally trashy at Panel. Fatima is called at the top of the pack, Stacy-Ann's strong challenge performance saves her from her weak photo, and Claire and Lauren wind up as the bottom two. Dun dun duuuuuun! Claire takes good pictures, but they're all the same. Lauren is a gawky mess in person. Shockingly, Lauren gets her photo, and Claire, who started off so strong, is eliminated. Good thing Whitney's around to snap up my loyalty. Claire is disappointed, but not overly bitter about the whole experience.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Fatima may be kicked out due to legal difficulties. Lauren chops her finger off or something. Oooh, that sounds a lot more interesting than this week's borefest.
Overall Grade: C-
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Everyone hated Dominique, which Omniscient Tyra takes great pleasure in announcing. Claire and Aimee had trouble portraying musical styles, and since Claire has more potential in her breast milk than Aimee had in her whole body, Aimee took her shy self home. Eight girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Whitney is surprised and pleased to have been called first last week. She feels it's time for America's Next Top Model to crown a plus-sized winner. Claire is relieved to have survived the bottom two, but some of the other girls rightfully peg her gleeful dance at seeing Aimee chopped as a bit insensitive. At the model pad, Fatima makes coffee, someone drinks or pours it out, she blames Lauren, and Lauren tells her to fuck off. The end. These pointless fights are getting increasingly tedious.
Tyra Mail informs the girls that they'll be going on their traditional go-sees, but in a new twist, the girls are dispatched in two teams, rather than individually. Dominique and Whitney find themselves on the same team, and swear they'll get along. No mention is made of the fact that Claire, who also hates Dominique, is also on the team. Whitney is criticized for being plus-sized by a designer, but tries to take it gracefully. Less graceful is Dominique, who can't wait to see Whitney's fat ass canned. Shocking. Actually, the same designer has trouble fitting Fatima, because she's too small. Jeez, Goldilocks wasn't this fucking picky. Whitney does better at the next designer, who actually has outfits to fit different body types. Imagine that. Lauren's walk is still horrendous. The teams are mostly tied going into the third and final go-see, but the Claire/Dominique/Whitney/Stacy-Ann team wins, thanks mostly to Stacy-Ann, who all the designers loved. Their prize is a picture in Seventeen. Zzzz.
The next day, the girls head to the photo shoot. They're usually really good at coming up with good ideas for shoots, but this one is a snoozer. Basically, the girls will be approximating "performance" "art" by flinging themselves onto a clear sheet covered in water with no hair or makeup products and photographed from below. Claire does a bellyflop, not really getting that three inches of water does not a swimming pool make. She hurts herself a bit, but eventually pulls it together. OJ feels her poses are a bit stilted. The rest of the girls do fair to middling, though Whitney knocks it out of the park, and Stacy-Ann struggles. Katarzyna gets her hair chopped right before her shoot, and she looks good.
At Panel, most of the pictures wind up looking blurry and bland, though the judges try to convince themselves that it was a fabulous idea. Despite all that, Whitney and Fatima manage to get good pictures. In deliberations, the judges say Claire is becoming one-note, Katarzyna needs to show some personality, and Dominique looked totally trashy at Panel. Fatima is called at the top of the pack, Stacy-Ann's strong challenge performance saves her from her weak photo, and Claire and Lauren wind up as the bottom two. Dun dun duuuuuun! Claire takes good pictures, but they're all the same. Lauren is a gawky mess in person. Shockingly, Lauren gets her photo, and Claire, who started off so strong, is eliminated. Good thing Whitney's around to snap up my loyalty. Claire is disappointed, but not overly bitter about the whole experience.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Fatima may be kicked out due to legal difficulties. Lauren chops her finger off or something. Oooh, that sounds a lot more interesting than this week's borefest.
Overall Grade: C-
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
House of Pain
America's Next Top Model - Season 10, Episode 6
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Whitney didn't appreciate being called racist by Dominique, especially since skin color has nothing to do with why Dominique is such an asshole. The girls had paint dripped down their faces. Marvita, whether by intimidation or boredom, couldn't give her all, and was punted back home. Nine girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
So the whole first segment is the Saga of Dominique's Alarm Clock. She sets it early, and she sets it often. I admit, I have to do the same thing, as I'm a deep sleeper (and the polar opposite of a morning person), so it takes me several attempts to get out of bed. On the other hand, I'm not sharing my room with a bunch of other people. Claire confronts Dominique about waking other people up unnecessarily, and Dominique has a customary "What? I have to take other people into consideration?" type of response. Even Anya is, like, "that girl needs to work on her communication", and when Anya says that, you know you've got a problem. Dominique's selfishness leads Claire, Whitney, and even sweet-tempered Lauren to yell at her, so she flees to the phone to complain to her mom about how they're all just intimidated by her modeling prowess. Yeah, that must be it. Not that you're a raging asshole.
The next day, Tyra drives the girls to a dance studio, where they dress in identical red outfits for no reason whatsoever. She teaches them about portraying various kinds of pain through posing, and the whole thing is horrifically boring. Later, the girls learn that their pain poses were actually a challenge, and Anya emerges as the winner. Her prize is to go have a one-on-one photo shoot with Nigel, where she's naked on a bed. Thumbs up to Nigel, because the resulting pictures are the first time I can accept Anya as a model. She looks really good. When Aimee hears of what the shoot entailed, she's relieved not to have won, because she's all Mormony and innocent, and not ready to get naked. Understandable. It's not like the girls have had to pose in states of undress since the first season or anything.
Later that night, Claire, Whitney, and Lauren shit-talk Dominique in the same room as her, while Dominique is trying to sleep. And yeah, I hate Dominique, and I'm sick to death of her "Why don't you treat me with respect?" whine, as she clearly can't fathom that you get what you put out in that department. But by the same token, the other three really are being bitchy. I'm all for shit-talking Dominique, or for fighting with her when she's being especially douchey, but you can't claim a moral high ground if you're going to bully someone who's just trying to go to sleep.
The next day, the girls head for the photo shoot, where they're told they'll each embody a different type of music. Interesting. Fatima is heavy metal, and blah. Katarzyna is emo, and fine. Lauren is pop, and gorgeous as always. Claire is country, and somewhat hokey. Dominique is folk, and just stands around looking stoned. Anya is punk, and looks fine, though OJ says the hair, makeup, and wardrobe are doing most of the work. Stacy-Ann is house, and whoever did her hair is a genius. It's like an explosion of porcupine spikes, and looks awesome. Aimee is R&B, and sucks. Yeah, if there's one thing I don't trust to the Mormons, it's rhythm. Whitney is grunge, and does a terrific job.
At panel, the judges love Whitney, and think Katarzyna rocked the short hair look so well they're going to attack her in the middle of the night with styling scissors. On the other end, neither Claire nor Aimee connected with their music styles at all, and wind up in the bottom two. This one's not hard to call, and indeed, Aimee takes a walk. In her final interview, she assures us that she's not as innocent as the judges thought she was. I'll believe it when I see a boob shot, Aimee. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Go-sees! The harsh industry comes down hard on poor, curvy Whitney, which delights Dominique no end. Lauren freaks the fuck out.
Overall Grade: C
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Whitney didn't appreciate being called racist by Dominique, especially since skin color has nothing to do with why Dominique is such an asshole. The girls had paint dripped down their faces. Marvita, whether by intimidation or boredom, couldn't give her all, and was punted back home. Nine girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
So the whole first segment is the Saga of Dominique's Alarm Clock. She sets it early, and she sets it often. I admit, I have to do the same thing, as I'm a deep sleeper (and the polar opposite of a morning person), so it takes me several attempts to get out of bed. On the other hand, I'm not sharing my room with a bunch of other people. Claire confronts Dominique about waking other people up unnecessarily, and Dominique has a customary "What? I have to take other people into consideration?" type of response. Even Anya is, like, "that girl needs to work on her communication", and when Anya says that, you know you've got a problem. Dominique's selfishness leads Claire, Whitney, and even sweet-tempered Lauren to yell at her, so she flees to the phone to complain to her mom about how they're all just intimidated by her modeling prowess. Yeah, that must be it. Not that you're a raging asshole.
The next day, Tyra drives the girls to a dance studio, where they dress in identical red outfits for no reason whatsoever. She teaches them about portraying various kinds of pain through posing, and the whole thing is horrifically boring. Later, the girls learn that their pain poses were actually a challenge, and Anya emerges as the winner. Her prize is to go have a one-on-one photo shoot with Nigel, where she's naked on a bed. Thumbs up to Nigel, because the resulting pictures are the first time I can accept Anya as a model. She looks really good. When Aimee hears of what the shoot entailed, she's relieved not to have won, because she's all Mormony and innocent, and not ready to get naked. Understandable. It's not like the girls have had to pose in states of undress since the first season or anything.
Later that night, Claire, Whitney, and Lauren shit-talk Dominique in the same room as her, while Dominique is trying to sleep. And yeah, I hate Dominique, and I'm sick to death of her "Why don't you treat me with respect?" whine, as she clearly can't fathom that you get what you put out in that department. But by the same token, the other three really are being bitchy. I'm all for shit-talking Dominique, or for fighting with her when she's being especially douchey, but you can't claim a moral high ground if you're going to bully someone who's just trying to go to sleep.
The next day, the girls head for the photo shoot, where they're told they'll each embody a different type of music. Interesting. Fatima is heavy metal, and blah. Katarzyna is emo, and fine. Lauren is pop, and gorgeous as always. Claire is country, and somewhat hokey. Dominique is folk, and just stands around looking stoned. Anya is punk, and looks fine, though OJ says the hair, makeup, and wardrobe are doing most of the work. Stacy-Ann is house, and whoever did her hair is a genius. It's like an explosion of porcupine spikes, and looks awesome. Aimee is R&B, and sucks. Yeah, if there's one thing I don't trust to the Mormons, it's rhythm. Whitney is grunge, and does a terrific job.
At panel, the judges love Whitney, and think Katarzyna rocked the short hair look so well they're going to attack her in the middle of the night with styling scissors. On the other end, neither Claire nor Aimee connected with their music styles at all, and wind up in the bottom two. This one's not hard to call, and indeed, Aimee takes a walk. In her final interview, she assures us that she's not as innocent as the judges thought she was. I'll believe it when I see a boob shot, Aimee. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Go-sees! The harsh industry comes down hard on poor, curvy Whitney, which delights Dominique no end. Lauren freaks the fuck out.
Overall Grade: C
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Top Model Takes It to the Streets
America's Next Top Model - Season 10, Episode 5
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Lauren sucked at runway, but knew how to take a good photo. The girls donned meat bikinis, after which the judges finally realized that Amis has about as much modeling potential as a banana slug, and she was sent on her way. Ten girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Fatima is shocked she was in the bottom two last week. She would be. She spends the rest of the episode figuring out which of the girls don't want to be a model as much as she, confusing dedication with talent. Dominique talks in the third person a lot, while Marvita frets over being too "hood" for the competition. She loves being here, but it's more for the free stuff than for any long-term career potential.
The girls head to a broken-down warehouse, where they're met by Benny Ninja and an "international supermodel" I've never heard of. Benny tries to impart the basic knowledge of commerical, couture, and catalog posing. The girls demonstrate, and everyone does a fairly good job, except for Marvita, who's starting to realize more and more that she doesn't fit in.
Back at the pad, Whitney interviews about the girls' sign-up sheet for phone times, which is entirely sensible. When Dominique misses her time, she tries her damndest to make it Whitney's fault, using every excuse from attitude to racism. Nice try, Dominique. Whitney shouts her down, and Lauren tells them both that their fight is totally stupid, further edging her up the ladder in my estimation. She's starting to give Claire a run for her money as my girl.
Challenge time! The girls meet Benny, Anonymous Supermodel, and some posers (no, real posers -- not poseurs) for posing battles. They're split into two groups, and jerk around in various poses before being told to strike a final commercial, couture, or catalog one. A lot of the girls have trouble with this basic English, including Fatima, whose best idea for a pose is to thrust her crotch into Whitney's face. When the dust settles, Claire wins herself another challenge, and though her team members get to take home some swag, she gets a trip to Bora Bora. Nice!
The photo shoot this week is to put some colored-plastic-wrap-a-la-'80s-movie on the girls' heads, and have vibrant paint dripped down their faces. Most of the girls do a fair to excellent job, but Marvita's shattered spirit, combined with last week's warning to stop making mean faces at the camera, dooms her to a poor shot. Stacy-Ann gets top marks at panel for finally showing her neck, and Fatima is taken to task for not bothering to shave her armpits. Narsty. Dominique is praised for showing a softer side (which is apt -- she'll never model for anything more high-fashion than Sears), and Lauren once again bags a great photo. In the end, it comes down to Whitney and Marvita, and to the surprise of nobody, Marvita's sad shot gets her booted. It was about the right time for her to go, although her overt glee at scoring free pants and such was quite endearing. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: The girls all wear red clothing to show...pain? Either that or they're all getting jobs at Target. Everybody hates Dominique, which is heartening.
Overall Grade: C
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Lauren sucked at runway, but knew how to take a good photo. The girls donned meat bikinis, after which the judges finally realized that Amis has about as much modeling potential as a banana slug, and she was sent on her way. Ten girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Fatima is shocked she was in the bottom two last week. She would be. She spends the rest of the episode figuring out which of the girls don't want to be a model as much as she, confusing dedication with talent. Dominique talks in the third person a lot, while Marvita frets over being too "hood" for the competition. She loves being here, but it's more for the free stuff than for any long-term career potential.
The girls head to a broken-down warehouse, where they're met by Benny Ninja and an "international supermodel" I've never heard of. Benny tries to impart the basic knowledge of commerical, couture, and catalog posing. The girls demonstrate, and everyone does a fairly good job, except for Marvita, who's starting to realize more and more that she doesn't fit in.
Back at the pad, Whitney interviews about the girls' sign-up sheet for phone times, which is entirely sensible. When Dominique misses her time, she tries her damndest to make it Whitney's fault, using every excuse from attitude to racism. Nice try, Dominique. Whitney shouts her down, and Lauren tells them both that their fight is totally stupid, further edging her up the ladder in my estimation. She's starting to give Claire a run for her money as my girl.
Challenge time! The girls meet Benny, Anonymous Supermodel, and some posers (no, real posers -- not poseurs) for posing battles. They're split into two groups, and jerk around in various poses before being told to strike a final commercial, couture, or catalog one. A lot of the girls have trouble with this basic English, including Fatima, whose best idea for a pose is to thrust her crotch into Whitney's face. When the dust settles, Claire wins herself another challenge, and though her team members get to take home some swag, she gets a trip to Bora Bora. Nice!
The photo shoot this week is to put some colored-plastic-wrap-a-la-'80s-movie on the girls' heads, and have vibrant paint dripped down their faces. Most of the girls do a fair to excellent job, but Marvita's shattered spirit, combined with last week's warning to stop making mean faces at the camera, dooms her to a poor shot. Stacy-Ann gets top marks at panel for finally showing her neck, and Fatima is taken to task for not bothering to shave her armpits. Narsty. Dominique is praised for showing a softer side (which is apt -- she'll never model for anything more high-fashion than Sears), and Lauren once again bags a great photo. In the end, it comes down to Whitney and Marvita, and to the surprise of nobody, Marvita's sad shot gets her booted. It was about the right time for her to go, although her overt glee at scoring free pants and such was quite endearing. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: The girls all wear red clothing to show...pain? Either that or they're all getting jobs at Target. Everybody hates Dominique, which is heartening.
Overall Grade: C
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Where's the Beef?
America's Next Top Model - Season 10, Episode 4
No, it's not Top Chef just yet! Although speaking of that show, it's going to be taking the lion's share of my time now, so ANTM will have to be busted down to blurbs. Suck it, Tyra!
After a brief foray into Dominique's delusion that being in the bottom two last week was a good thing, we rejoin the girls getting on each other's nerves at the pad. I'd probably be cranky if I were forced to live with Fatima and Amis, too. The girls head off to a firehouse, where they must do a quick change, then a runway walk in front of some bored firemen. Lauren is growing on me, but her walk still sucks rocks. Fatima clomps like a horse, Amis skips like a fool, and Dominique tries to be sexy and lands closer to "drunk aunt at a wedding reception". On the other end, Claire still dominates, and Whitney does a good job as well.
Back at the pad, Aimee's discomfort with being nude in front of the other girls somehow leads to a fight between Whitney and Fatima/Dominique/Marvita. I admire Whitney for sticking up for her friend, but seriously? What a dumbass fight. Later, everyone takes part in a quick-change fashion show for Jaslene and yet another big-nosed editor at Seventeen. Man, they've got more turnover at that magazine than a pancake factory. On the runway, Lauren's walk has not magically improved, and she does a horrendous job. Fatima has misbuttoned her shirt, and manages to mangle the pronunciation of "button" (as BUH-en) about four thousand times. Oh, and Whitney's boob falls out.
As Jaslene critiques the girls, LabRat comes in, and says "What happened to her voice?" Oh, my God. Someone has Henry Higginsed her! No more cha-cha diva; she's all proper now. Katarzyna wins the challenge, and picks Marvita and Amis to share in her prize, an ad shot that readers will look at for four-tenths of a second before flipping forward to an article about how to exfoliate your skin with sheep intestines or whatever. At the photo shoot, OJ wears an even uglier coat in his escalating series of fug-wear. The girls are dressed up with meat bikinis, and pose in front of hanging racks of dead animals.
At panel, Anya is again inexplicably given lavish praise. She must have an elaborate voodoo kit set up back at the pad. Lauren redeems herself with a great shot, and the judges enjoy Whitney's photo as well. On the flip side, everyone finally realizes that Aimee is boring and Amis is not pretty in the least. In fact, I realized tonight that Amis is like an uglier version of my cousin. Aimee is saved by Fatima's poor shot and runway performance, and the latter winds up in the bottom two with Amis. It's far too early to eliminate the Bitch, so Amis takes a very welcome walk home. Phew. I couldn't take much more of her. Every time she came on screen, all my clocks stopped working.
Overall Grade: C+
No, it's not Top Chef just yet! Although speaking of that show, it's going to be taking the lion's share of my time now, so ANTM will have to be busted down to blurbs. Suck it, Tyra!
After a brief foray into Dominique's delusion that being in the bottom two last week was a good thing, we rejoin the girls getting on each other's nerves at the pad. I'd probably be cranky if I were forced to live with Fatima and Amis, too. The girls head off to a firehouse, where they must do a quick change, then a runway walk in front of some bored firemen. Lauren is growing on me, but her walk still sucks rocks. Fatima clomps like a horse, Amis skips like a fool, and Dominique tries to be sexy and lands closer to "drunk aunt at a wedding reception". On the other end, Claire still dominates, and Whitney does a good job as well.
Back at the pad, Aimee's discomfort with being nude in front of the other girls somehow leads to a fight between Whitney and Fatima/Dominique/Marvita. I admire Whitney for sticking up for her friend, but seriously? What a dumbass fight. Later, everyone takes part in a quick-change fashion show for Jaslene and yet another big-nosed editor at Seventeen. Man, they've got more turnover at that magazine than a pancake factory. On the runway, Lauren's walk has not magically improved, and she does a horrendous job. Fatima has misbuttoned her shirt, and manages to mangle the pronunciation of "button" (as BUH-en) about four thousand times. Oh, and Whitney's boob falls out.
As Jaslene critiques the girls, LabRat comes in, and says "What happened to her voice?" Oh, my God. Someone has Henry Higginsed her! No more cha-cha diva; she's all proper now. Katarzyna wins the challenge, and picks Marvita and Amis to share in her prize, an ad shot that readers will look at for four-tenths of a second before flipping forward to an article about how to exfoliate your skin with sheep intestines or whatever. At the photo shoot, OJ wears an even uglier coat in his escalating series of fug-wear. The girls are dressed up with meat bikinis, and pose in front of hanging racks of dead animals.
At panel, Anya is again inexplicably given lavish praise. She must have an elaborate voodoo kit set up back at the pad. Lauren redeems herself with a great shot, and the judges enjoy Whitney's photo as well. On the flip side, everyone finally realizes that Aimee is boring and Amis is not pretty in the least. In fact, I realized tonight that Amis is like an uglier version of my cousin. Aimee is saved by Fatima's poor shot and runway performance, and the latter winds up in the bottom two with Amis. It's far too early to eliminate the Bitch, so Amis takes a very welcome walk home. Phew. I couldn't take much more of her. Every time she came on screen, all my clocks stopped working.
Overall Grade: C+
Sunday, March 09, 2008
Top Model Makeovers
America's Next Top Model - Season 10, Episode 3
Previously on America's Next Top Model: New York. Model pad. Times Square runway show. The girls "sent a message" about homelessness at the photo shoot - namely, homelessness is a silly, lighthearted issue that people should feel free to mock through photography. Paulina Porizkova became a new judge. Kimberly quit, and before the door even closed behind her, Atalya joined her. Twelve girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Model pad. Dominique worries about being the bottom four last week, and wants to step her game up. The "doorbell" "rings", and the girls discover that they have been gifted with ugly purses containing ugly pants.
Allison, the Snotty Bitch - Part 1: She turns her nose up at the other girls' excitement, bragging in interview about how much more experience she has at modeling than they do. What this has to do with free jeans is beyond me.
Since Fatima has left off pushing Marvita's buttons, she has to find another handy target, and discussion of apple-bottoms leads her to Allison. She essentially calls Allison a fatass, and Allison stalks off, sniping that Fatima shouldn't say things like that to "the anorexic girl". She's anorexic? Maybe that's the modeling experience she was referring to. Fatima's, like, "Whoopsie! I didn't mean for my casual bitchery to land quite that hard!"
The new, electronic Tyra Mail is spectacularly annoying, because the girls are compelled to read each one aloud, in unison, one. Word. At. A. Time. EXCEPT. THEY. SHOUT. AS. THEY. DO. IT. Ugh. The mail is typically vague, and the girls are shuffled out of the pad at 5:00 AM the next day. It's time for a challenge. One which will undoubtedly reveal who has the most high-fashion modeling potential. Are they going to Milan? Having a meeting with Tim Gunn? Heavens, no. If there's one thing top models need to know how to do, it's run around Wal-Mart putting on cheap cosmetics. Seriously, I saw Gisele walking into one just the other day. In case my sarcasm isn't apparent, the girls go to the trashiest company in America, where they are given five minutes to get made up. The girls scatter. Lauren reminds us for the second time in three minutes that she's not a very girly girl. We get it, Lauren. Thanks.
Allison, the Snotty Bitch - Part 2: "I sound like a horrible person for saying this, but I'm doing better than a lot of the girls. Especially Fatima."
Wow, that's not transparent at all. Time runs out. The judges love Claire and Whitney, give Lauren fair marks, and pan Fatima and Allison. Hah! Claire wins the makeup challenge, and while the challenge itself is laughably dumb, I'm loving me some Claire these days, so yay! She's told she's going to be on the Wal-Mart website, and her face is a polite smile over an "Um...great! I'll try to be a role model for the toothless women with seventeen kids that will see me!" expression.
Back at the pad, there's a few minutes of boring blah about how seriously the girls with children (Claire and Dominique) are taking the competition. As with Renee, I get where they're coming from, but if they really want to provide a better life for their kids, how about eschewing reality television, for oh, say...a JOB? Meanwhile, in the other room, some of the girls are playing with dolls.
Allison, the Snotty Bitch - Part 3: In an effort to get back at Fatima for the apple-butt crack, she stuffs Kleenex down the black doll's pants. Not to represent just Fatima, but for all the fatass black women in the world. Then she implies that all black women like to be slammed anally.
Rut roh! Fatima yells at her, though not half as ferociously as I was expecting. One good punch would snap Allison in two, and in this case, I was hoping Fatima would deliver. No such luck. Allison snottily defends herself (#4) by saying Fatima made fun of her body image. Oh, I guess that excuses racism. After all, they're all alike, aren't they? Feh. After the commercial break, some Tyra Mail hints at the upcoming makeovers. Indeed, the stretch cab drops the girls at a salon, where Tyra explains that the girls won't even know what's being done to them until it's over. Heh. I wonder how that would have gone over with Cassandra. Let's get to the stylin'!
Anya - Tyra wants to think her hair is dyed ash blond, but it's really just blond. Her "After" shot just doubles my confusion about why the judges seem to love her. Her mouth is twisted into a half snarl, and her nose takes up three quarters of her face.
Whitney - Gets a blond weave. It's a little too full, but she carries it well.
Aimee - Fire engine red. Also too full, like has Tyra been watching a lot of Dynasty lately?
Marvita - Gets what Tyra calls the "horse mane hair weave", in that the sides are kept short, but the middle is added to, and swept straight back. Marvita is totally ready to rule the Thunderdome.
Lauren - Tyra calls it a long blond weave with reddish highlights, but it's really a long red weave with blondish highlights. Is Tyra color blind?
Katarzyna - Keep working to pronounce that name, Tyra! You're not quite there yet! Katarzyna's hair gets darkened, which suits her much better than that multicolored funk she had going on before.
Claire - More of her hair is shaved off, and it's all dyed bright blond. This is where other girls would throw a big tantrum, but she's perfectly content. Go, Claire! I kind of liked her hair better in the "Before", but give me a chance to get used to it. I may come around.
Allison - Lightened into more of an auburn shade. I'm just glad she doesn't look like Sarah Silverman anymore.
Dominique - Ugh. What the fuck? So, they cut a bunch off, and volumized the rest into a foofy bowl cut. LabRat: "She looks like an aging tennis player." I cannot improve upon that description.
Stacy-Ann - Hair is cut off, save a bit of poofy frizz. She looks like a black dandelion.
Amis - From fug to fug. She's given a multicolored weave, but frankly, there isn't much you can do with this chick.
Fatima - Gets a painful chestnut weave. Allison makes fun of her suffering (#5). I love long hair on women, but for once, I feel like this would have looked better if it were a bit shorter. Still, she certainly looks better than that fried orange crap she had before.
After some Tyra Mail back at the pad, we segue into the next day, where the girls meet OJ down at a boat. He explains that they'll be out on the water, so that the Brooklyn Bridge will serve as backdrop for the photo. Oh, and he's wearing a metallic, silver, fur-lined trenchcoat. Classsssssay! The bridge doesn't have makeup or clothing to sell, so in order to shoehorn in as much advertising as possible, Elle Macpherson shows up to hock her line of lingerie, which the girls will be wearing in their photos. She chats with the girls as they get made up.
The shoot begins. Standouts include Claire, who rocks it out, Whitney, who's wearing more in this "lingerie" shoot than I'm wearing right now, and Lauren, who reminds us for the fifteenth time this episode that she's not girly and has trouble being "sexy". Allison is practicing facial expressions in the mirror, snottily reiterating (#6) that her vast modeling experience is an automatic advantage in this competition. Karma pops her in the face, as the photographer and OJ tell her she looks far too posed and aware. She allows delusion to flow through her, interviewing that she totally nailed the shoot. Dominique sucks as well, being told that her shots belong in a catalog. Well, if you hadn't given her that godawful 1994 soccer mom hairdo, maybe they wouldn't.
Back at the pad, Tyra Mail announces the upcoming elimination. Allison, naturally, is totally secure in her safe passage to the next episode. Hahaha! Oh, and #7. After the commercials, we enter the Chamber of Doom on a not-very-good shot of Tyra, with the bridge in the background. I'd like to see what the judges would say if one of the girls looked this dead-eyed. Prizes. Judges. The guest judge is George, the photographer. Now, to the shots.
Wow, George deserves some kind of medal, because first up is Amis, and though she looks totally fug at panel, her shot is really good. Hey, did you know that Lauren isn't very girly? Well, she totally isn't! Her shot is terrific. George is a miracle worker. As is the digital editing team, I suppose. Marvita's shot is very strong and intriguing. Claire's is fairly good, though Tyra warns her against pursing her mouth when she raises her eyebrow. Fatima is compared to Iman again, and though her face looks good in the photo, the judges have an issue with her legs, and how they're pressed together. Katarzyna looks good, but Miss J and Paulina think her shot is a little too sex kitten, like Mail Order Bride #1. No, that was Natasha. Stacy-Ann's shot is fair, though she's lost her neck. Dominique. Cellulite! Tyra says her shots look like those sale pictures in newspapers. True, though again, half the reason is that shitty haircut you gave her. Aimee's shot is fine. She still bores me to tears. Anya's shot is all nose. Tyra inexplicably loves it.
Allison. Oh, this is too rich. As she walks up, Tyra tells her she looks so soft and pretty now. "I know!" Allison crows (#8). Nigel hints that sometimes "Thank you" is also an appropriate response to a compliment, and it flies right over Allison's head, and out the door. She stands there, giving pose after pose to show herself off. Nigel and Tyra actually sit there and discuss how clueless she is, and she still doesn't get it. Hahaha! Added to that, her photo is crap. Her legs look good, but her face is totally vacant. So much for all that mirror practice. Tyra doesn't like Whitney's shot, but has the grace to admit that it's not Whitney's fault. She's simply wearing way too much. I agree, but I actually think Whitney's working what she had on pretty well. The girls are dismissed.
Deliberations. Amis doesn't know her angles. Lauren's gawkiness works to her advantage. Marvita has a really strong picture. Claire's was a tad disappointing, and the shot doesn't do her justice. Fatima needs to move her bottom half. Katarzyna's shot is too slutty. Stacy-Ann has a lantern jaw. Dominique is matronly. Aimee is beautiful. Anya has potential (bleh), and the judges make fun of her accent some more. Yeah, her voice is aggravating. Allison is too posed, and conceited to boot. Whitney has to get more naked. The judges reach a decision.
Elimination. Lauren is safe. Marvita. Aimee. Claire. Stacy-Ann. Fatima. Anya. Whitney. Katarzyna. Amis. Will Dominique and Allison please step forward? Dominique has lost her diva attitude, and her shots suck. Allison is cocky, and her shots suck. Note that their detriments are exact opposites. Anyhow, Dominique is given her photo, and I could watch Allison's face crumble all day. Rewind, and...crumble! Rewind, and...crumble! Dominique gives her a hug. Tyra tells Allison to keep on striving. She leaves, and Miss J aims for drama as he peels her name off his shirt. I guess his schtick leaves something to be desired, as LabRat instantly dissolves into a puddle of giggles. In her final interview, Allison says she's just going to put her photos into her portfolio, suck it up, and keep going. Well, she's certainly got the "suck" part down. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Fatima and Amis work Miss J's nerves at a runway demonstration in a...firehouse? Whatever. Fatima, with an assist from Dominique, spins her Target of the Week wheel, which lands on Whitney.
Overall Grade: B-
Previously on America's Next Top Model: New York. Model pad. Times Square runway show. The girls "sent a message" about homelessness at the photo shoot - namely, homelessness is a silly, lighthearted issue that people should feel free to mock through photography. Paulina Porizkova became a new judge. Kimberly quit, and before the door even closed behind her, Atalya joined her. Twelve girls remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Model pad. Dominique worries about being the bottom four last week, and wants to step her game up. The "doorbell" "rings", and the girls discover that they have been gifted with ugly purses containing ugly pants.
Allison, the Snotty Bitch - Part 1: She turns her nose up at the other girls' excitement, bragging in interview about how much more experience she has at modeling than they do. What this has to do with free jeans is beyond me.
Since Fatima has left off pushing Marvita's buttons, she has to find another handy target, and discussion of apple-bottoms leads her to Allison. She essentially calls Allison a fatass, and Allison stalks off, sniping that Fatima shouldn't say things like that to "the anorexic girl". She's anorexic? Maybe that's the modeling experience she was referring to. Fatima's, like, "Whoopsie! I didn't mean for my casual bitchery to land quite that hard!"
The new, electronic Tyra Mail is spectacularly annoying, because the girls are compelled to read each one aloud, in unison, one. Word. At. A. Time. EXCEPT. THEY. SHOUT. AS. THEY. DO. IT. Ugh. The mail is typically vague, and the girls are shuffled out of the pad at 5:00 AM the next day. It's time for a challenge. One which will undoubtedly reveal who has the most high-fashion modeling potential. Are they going to Milan? Having a meeting with Tim Gunn? Heavens, no. If there's one thing top models need to know how to do, it's run around Wal-Mart putting on cheap cosmetics. Seriously, I saw Gisele walking into one just the other day. In case my sarcasm isn't apparent, the girls go to the trashiest company in America, where they are given five minutes to get made up. The girls scatter. Lauren reminds us for the second time in three minutes that she's not a very girly girl. We get it, Lauren. Thanks.
Allison, the Snotty Bitch - Part 2: "I sound like a horrible person for saying this, but I'm doing better than a lot of the girls. Especially Fatima."
Wow, that's not transparent at all. Time runs out. The judges love Claire and Whitney, give Lauren fair marks, and pan Fatima and Allison. Hah! Claire wins the makeup challenge, and while the challenge itself is laughably dumb, I'm loving me some Claire these days, so yay! She's told she's going to be on the Wal-Mart website, and her face is a polite smile over an "Um...great! I'll try to be a role model for the toothless women with seventeen kids that will see me!" expression.
Back at the pad, there's a few minutes of boring blah about how seriously the girls with children (Claire and Dominique) are taking the competition. As with Renee, I get where they're coming from, but if they really want to provide a better life for their kids, how about eschewing reality television, for oh, say...a JOB? Meanwhile, in the other room, some of the girls are playing with dolls.
Allison, the Snotty Bitch - Part 3: In an effort to get back at Fatima for the apple-butt crack, she stuffs Kleenex down the black doll's pants. Not to represent just Fatima, but for all the fatass black women in the world. Then she implies that all black women like to be slammed anally.
Rut roh! Fatima yells at her, though not half as ferociously as I was expecting. One good punch would snap Allison in two, and in this case, I was hoping Fatima would deliver. No such luck. Allison snottily defends herself (#4) by saying Fatima made fun of her body image. Oh, I guess that excuses racism. After all, they're all alike, aren't they? Feh. After the commercial break, some Tyra Mail hints at the upcoming makeovers. Indeed, the stretch cab drops the girls at a salon, where Tyra explains that the girls won't even know what's being done to them until it's over. Heh. I wonder how that would have gone over with Cassandra. Let's get to the stylin'!
Anya - Tyra wants to think her hair is dyed ash blond, but it's really just blond. Her "After" shot just doubles my confusion about why the judges seem to love her. Her mouth is twisted into a half snarl, and her nose takes up three quarters of her face.
Whitney - Gets a blond weave. It's a little too full, but she carries it well.
Aimee - Fire engine red. Also too full, like has Tyra been watching a lot of Dynasty lately?
Marvita - Gets what Tyra calls the "horse mane hair weave", in that the sides are kept short, but the middle is added to, and swept straight back. Marvita is totally ready to rule the Thunderdome.
Lauren - Tyra calls it a long blond weave with reddish highlights, but it's really a long red weave with blondish highlights. Is Tyra color blind?
Katarzyna - Keep working to pronounce that name, Tyra! You're not quite there yet! Katarzyna's hair gets darkened, which suits her much better than that multicolored funk she had going on before.
Claire - More of her hair is shaved off, and it's all dyed bright blond. This is where other girls would throw a big tantrum, but she's perfectly content. Go, Claire! I kind of liked her hair better in the "Before", but give me a chance to get used to it. I may come around.
Allison - Lightened into more of an auburn shade. I'm just glad she doesn't look like Sarah Silverman anymore.
Dominique - Ugh. What the fuck? So, they cut a bunch off, and volumized the rest into a foofy bowl cut. LabRat: "She looks like an aging tennis player." I cannot improve upon that description.
Stacy-Ann - Hair is cut off, save a bit of poofy frizz. She looks like a black dandelion.
Amis - From fug to fug. She's given a multicolored weave, but frankly, there isn't much you can do with this chick.
Fatima - Gets a painful chestnut weave. Allison makes fun of her suffering (#5). I love long hair on women, but for once, I feel like this would have looked better if it were a bit shorter. Still, she certainly looks better than that fried orange crap she had before.
After some Tyra Mail back at the pad, we segue into the next day, where the girls meet OJ down at a boat. He explains that they'll be out on the water, so that the Brooklyn Bridge will serve as backdrop for the photo. Oh, and he's wearing a metallic, silver, fur-lined trenchcoat. Classsssssay! The bridge doesn't have makeup or clothing to sell, so in order to shoehorn in as much advertising as possible, Elle Macpherson shows up to hock her line of lingerie, which the girls will be wearing in their photos. She chats with the girls as they get made up.
The shoot begins. Standouts include Claire, who rocks it out, Whitney, who's wearing more in this "lingerie" shoot than I'm wearing right now, and Lauren, who reminds us for the fifteenth time this episode that she's not girly and has trouble being "sexy". Allison is practicing facial expressions in the mirror, snottily reiterating (#6) that her vast modeling experience is an automatic advantage in this competition. Karma pops her in the face, as the photographer and OJ tell her she looks far too posed and aware. She allows delusion to flow through her, interviewing that she totally nailed the shoot. Dominique sucks as well, being told that her shots belong in a catalog. Well, if you hadn't given her that godawful 1994 soccer mom hairdo, maybe they wouldn't.
Back at the pad, Tyra Mail announces the upcoming elimination. Allison, naturally, is totally secure in her safe passage to the next episode. Hahaha! Oh, and #7. After the commercials, we enter the Chamber of Doom on a not-very-good shot of Tyra, with the bridge in the background. I'd like to see what the judges would say if one of the girls looked this dead-eyed. Prizes. Judges. The guest judge is George, the photographer. Now, to the shots.
Wow, George deserves some kind of medal, because first up is Amis, and though she looks totally fug at panel, her shot is really good. Hey, did you know that Lauren isn't very girly? Well, she totally isn't! Her shot is terrific. George is a miracle worker. As is the digital editing team, I suppose. Marvita's shot is very strong and intriguing. Claire's is fairly good, though Tyra warns her against pursing her mouth when she raises her eyebrow. Fatima is compared to Iman again, and though her face looks good in the photo, the judges have an issue with her legs, and how they're pressed together. Katarzyna looks good, but Miss J and Paulina think her shot is a little too sex kitten, like Mail Order Bride #1. No, that was Natasha. Stacy-Ann's shot is fair, though she's lost her neck. Dominique. Cellulite! Tyra says her shots look like those sale pictures in newspapers. True, though again, half the reason is that shitty haircut you gave her. Aimee's shot is fine. She still bores me to tears. Anya's shot is all nose. Tyra inexplicably loves it.
Allison. Oh, this is too rich. As she walks up, Tyra tells her she looks so soft and pretty now. "I know!" Allison crows (#8). Nigel hints that sometimes "Thank you" is also an appropriate response to a compliment, and it flies right over Allison's head, and out the door. She stands there, giving pose after pose to show herself off. Nigel and Tyra actually sit there and discuss how clueless she is, and she still doesn't get it. Hahaha! Added to that, her photo is crap. Her legs look good, but her face is totally vacant. So much for all that mirror practice. Tyra doesn't like Whitney's shot, but has the grace to admit that it's not Whitney's fault. She's simply wearing way too much. I agree, but I actually think Whitney's working what she had on pretty well. The girls are dismissed.
Deliberations. Amis doesn't know her angles. Lauren's gawkiness works to her advantage. Marvita has a really strong picture. Claire's was a tad disappointing, and the shot doesn't do her justice. Fatima needs to move her bottom half. Katarzyna's shot is too slutty. Stacy-Ann has a lantern jaw. Dominique is matronly. Aimee is beautiful. Anya has potential (bleh), and the judges make fun of her accent some more. Yeah, her voice is aggravating. Allison is too posed, and conceited to boot. Whitney has to get more naked. The judges reach a decision.
Elimination. Lauren is safe. Marvita. Aimee. Claire. Stacy-Ann. Fatima. Anya. Whitney. Katarzyna. Amis. Will Dominique and Allison please step forward? Dominique has lost her diva attitude, and her shots suck. Allison is cocky, and her shots suck. Note that their detriments are exact opposites. Anyhow, Dominique is given her photo, and I could watch Allison's face crumble all day. Rewind, and...crumble! Rewind, and...crumble! Dominique gives her a hug. Tyra tells Allison to keep on striving. She leaves, and Miss J aims for drama as he peels her name off his shirt. I guess his schtick leaves something to be desired, as LabRat instantly dissolves into a puddle of giggles. In her final interview, Allison says she's just going to put her photos into her portfolio, suck it up, and keep going. Well, she's certainly got the "suck" part down. Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Fatima and Amis work Miss J's nerves at a runway demonstration in a...firehouse? Whatever. Fatima, with an assist from Dominique, spins her Target of the Week wheel, which lands on Whitney.
Overall Grade: B-
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
New York, Here We Come
America's Next Top Model - Season 10, Episode 2
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Another troop of squealing pig-girls descended upon us, hoping to use the show as a stepping stone to make it big in the world of modeling. You know, like Nicole did. Who? Exactly. Marvita was slightly less crazy than in her Season 9 audition, but didn't waste much time before making enemies. Fatima pissed others off as well, but wants to educate the world about the horrors of genital mutilation, so I guess she's allowed to be a jerkweed. An extra girl was let into the finals, so we now have fourteen to contend with. Aiiiie!
New opening credits, which get worse every time they're revamped. They're helpful with matching faces to names, though: Anya (Hawaiian Marblemouth), Atalya (Normal Girl), Whitney (Big Whitney 2), Fatima (er...Fatima, though I don't think I'm giving away too much to surmise that she may be snatching the coveted Bitch title soon), Kimberly (Pug Fugly Blond), Dominique (referred to as the Bitch in Episode 1, though we'll see no further evidence of that tonight), Marvita (Grace Jones Wannabe), Amis (Man-Faced Hag), Aimee (Boring Girl), Allison (Snotty Teen), Stacy-Ann (Perky Child Bride), Claire (Not-Pretty-But-Fascinating Girl), Katarzyna (Polish Import), and Lauren (Gawky Weirdo). God DAMN, that's a lot of girls. Let's start trimming the fat! Or the skinny, as the case may be.
New York City. The girls gather in what appears to be a coffee shop for no reason whatsoever. Marvita describes to us again about how she used to be homeless, and it really says a lot that the girls' trials and tribulations are such a constant background on this show that it's become white noise. Way to make me stop caring about rape, Tyra. Marvita also takes a moment to grill Amis about why she chose that name. You see, since there would be no possible way to discern between Amy and Aimee, Tyra has said that one of them will have to adopt a different name. Yeah, having two people with the same first name is a real head-scratcher. Last initials what? Amis mentions that it's a Biblical name that sort of sounds like Amy, and seizes the opportunity to suggest that if there's one person who doesn't get to make fun of silly, made up names, Marvita.... Heh.
A bemused delivery boy drops off some Tyra Mail, which of course causes the girls to squeal some more. It's a map to the model pad. Yes, the girls must find their way there, instead of just being dropped there in the first place. Gotta fill the hour, I guess. The pad is a loft in an apartment building, and as usual, is decked out with pictures of past contestants. Not Adrianne, of course. She's just a figment of our imaginations. The "theme" of the house is passion, and some of the winners' portraits are augmented by signs mentioning what causes they support. There's also portrait of Robin, and her "If you stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything" quote is stenciled nearby. The facts that Robin was a bigoted, hypocritical snatch, that she used that quote to get out of a photo shoot she didn't feel like doing, and that she got eliminated ten minutes later aren't mentioned. I guess we're just supposed to pretend Robin was really deep, like a latter-day Gandhi with a propensity for leather skirts. Anya says something marble-mouthed. She, Jael, and Christian would get along like a house on fire. There are "No Smoking" signs posted in the loft, so Kimberly, Fatima, and Amis go out onto the street to light up. This somehow offends Atalya, who appears to think the signs refer to the entire city block. Weirdo.
Amis babbles and babbles about nothing. Fatima (whose hair is mysteriously straight all of a sudden) tells her that she's a blabbermouth, and that she'll have trouble making people take her seriously. As always with the girls who attack others for real flaws, I'm kind of torn between "Wow, that was rude" and "Preach it, sister!" Amis handles it better than most girls would, telling Fatima that she's being abrasive, but admitting to being a blab. Marvita makes a mental note to keep an eye on Fatima. The next day, Fatima's hair has magically recurled itself. Miss J and OJ show up, and everyone piles into a bus to take a tour of New York. OJ describes the wonders of Fashion Week, and there's a shot of Kimberly, bored out of her gourd. As the sun sets, the bus arrives at Times Square, where the Jays tell the girls that they'll be doing a runway show right there. The girls deliver their requisite squeals before going back to hair and makeup.
I like to make fun of this show's ridiculous attempts to paint itself as Serious Business, but even I have to admit that the nighttime, Times Square runway show is pretty damn cool. Not that the surroundings help the girls. Marvita clomps down the runway, looking at her feet the entire time. Kimberly disdains the fact that her outfit is so expensive. You can tell how disgusted she's getting with the whole enterprise. Poor Kimberly just wants to go pick up a T-shirt or two at Target. After Marvita, most of the girls do a serviceable to good job on the runway, save Lauren, who may have the worst walk I've ever seen. When they come backstage after the show, Fatima swats Marvita in the head. It appears to be an accident, though it would have been very easy to do on purpose. Marvita confronts her, and Fatima denies hitting her intentionally, and doesn't even offer an apology. Yeah, my apologies to Dominique. The Bitch crown is jumping heads. To her credit, Marvita keeps a lid on her temper, interviewing that Fatima's just trying to provoke her.
When the girls get back to the pad, electronic Tyra Mail awaits, which prompts more squealing. It's something vague about new faces making a good first impression. The next day, the girls go to the modeling agency that will represent the winner, where they're introduced to Paulina Porizkova. She tells the girls that criticism will be harsh in this industry, so why not get started on ripping their self-esteem apart now? She tells Amis she has bad skin, Dominique that she looks like a drag queen, Kimberly that she's too High School Musical, and Marvita that she has a smooshy face. That bitchery dispensed with, the girls are given directions to their first photo shoot. They have to find their way there, too? Is this a new, whinier season of The Amazing Race? The girls hop into a stretch taxi. You heard me. On the way to the shoot, Fatima needles Marvita some more, and Marvita, aside from telling Fatima that she's the first "mean African" Marvita's ever met, refuses to engage her.
The girls arrive at the shoot, and are met by OJ, who's wearing an even more hideous outfit than usual. It's like a light gray, vinyl trenchcoat. He puts on his Serious Voice to tell the girls that they'll be dealing with the issue of Homeless Youth today. And how are Tyra and Company going to help alleviate this crisis? Why, they're going to style the girls as homeless, while actual homeless women will be glammed up to share the picture with them. They get to dress up for a while before going back to their cardboard boxes? Aw, that's so giving! Screw that Mother Teresa loser. Tyra's doing this, plus the day she dressed up as a homeless woman for her talk show, plus the whopping $286.50 she gave to Goodwill. Clearly, she's the best humanitarian of all time. Hair and makeup. After Fatima's shoot, she and Marvita call a truce, bonding over their pasts of homelessness and molestation. I'm not sure whether to give that an "Aw" or an "Ew". As to the shoot, most of the girls do a fairly good job, though Amis sucks.
Back at the pad, Tyra Mail announces the upcoming elimination. Atalya and Claire discuss their nerves, while Kimberly tells Fatima she likes modeling, but hates high fashion. That'll work out well for her. She's like a surgeon who hates the sight of blood. After the commercials, we come into the Chamber of Doom on a picture of Tyra in homeless garb, with a sign that reads "Will Pose For Change". Yeah, she totally takes poverty seriously. The prizes are the same as always, but there is change in the wind. Nigel and Miss J are present to judge (the latter with the stupidest elimination outfit theme to date, ripping a girl's name off his chest as they go), but Twiggy has had enough of this show. And who is there to take her place? Paulina Porizkova! I guess that earlier segment of her ripping on the girls was just to assert her dominance. Before getting to the pictures, Tyra pretends to care about homeless people. That out of the way, let's get to the pretty!
Lauren. She's among my least favorite of the girls, but I like her shot. The judges agree, though Nigel gives her some crap for being nervous at panel. Paulina continues to mark her territory by telling him to cut the girl some slack; people can be nervous for the first couple of weeks. Anya's shot is blah, though the judges like it more than I do. She thankfully keeps her trap shut. Amis' shot is terrible. She's just looking up in what she thinks is a "I'm so sad about being homeless" expression, but is coming across as "Did I turn the oven off?" Paulina hates it. Aimee is still boring. Fatima's shot is excellent, but Tyra says the overall film wasn't very good. Dominique is called a drag queen again, so I guess she's this year's Jaslene. I guess that means she'll win. Her shot's fine, though Tyra tells her to stop squatting in her pictures. Allison is told the homeless women are outshining her, and that OJ said her Pilates training is working against her. What'ere. I'm just distracted by her similarity to Sarah Silverman.
Whitney's shot is great, and she did a wonderful job at the Times Square runway challenge, too. If the plus size thing doesn't do her in, she's a sleeper. Of course, whenever I say that about a girl, she's eliminated within two weeks. Sorry, Whitney. Miss J hated Marvita's runway walk, but her photo is good. Katarzyna has a good picture, though it doesn't knock my socks off. Still, if I had to guess the winner of the season right now, I'd pick her. Not because she's all that, but I can tell the judges love her to pieces. Claire is praised for all but her oddly-placed hand. Atalya's shot is bland, and she's being completely blown out of the water by the homeless women. Stacy-Ann's is also boring. Tyra tells her she did the same five poses on a rotation. Kimberly. Her panel outfit is derided, and Miss J says he's glad to see her smile, because she looked bored to death at the runway show. Tyra asks her if she wants to be here, and Kimberly admits that she's not interested in fashion. Music sting, as if Kimberly just admitted she kills and eats puppies.
Tyra asks her why she even came to the competition, and Kimberly says she wanted to improve her pictures, but can't get into the "designer" thing. I can sort of see where she's coming from, but her nasal voice, combined with the fact that she says "like" as every other word, makes me want to throttle her. Aimee is shaking her head in a panic, silently begging Kimberly to shut up. Tyra does that annoying thing where she chides a girl for taking a place that could have gone to another semi-finalist. The girls aren't psychic, Tyra. Some of them don't know that modeling isn't for them until they start. She asks Kimberly if she wants to go home. Kimberly does. More over-dramatic "OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!" faces from the other girls. Kimberly leaves, and Tyra puts up her best shot for the other girls. The judges say it's good, but I find it meh. In Kimberly's final interview, she just says that her heart wasn't in it. Miss J dramatically tears her picture, because as always, judges like to pretend that they made the decision, and that the power wasn't just snatched away from them. Tyra announces that there will still be an elimination.
Deliberations. Try to watch the judges act as though they couldn't care less about Kimberly's voluntary exit without giggling. I can't do it. Anya is inexplicably popular. Allison is lopsided. Marvita sucks at runway, but is good in other areas. Amis is "warm and lovable", but is a terrible model. Aimee izzzz........ Lauren reminds Paulina of herself. Atalya is blandly pretty. Stacy-Ann had good poses, which is the exact opposite of what they just told her. Katarzyna wears too much makeup. Claire is eager to learn. Whitney is good. And by the way, the judges STILL DON'T CARE about Kimberly quitting. They just want to make really sure that you get that. THEY DON'T CARE. Sure, Tyra. I totally believe you. Dominique is draggy, and wow, am I ever tired of that already. Fatima had one of the best shots of the bunch, but it was her only good picture. The judges reach a decision.
Elimination. Anya is safe. Claire. Whitney. Lauren. Aimee. Fatima. Marvita. Katarzyna. Stacy-Ann. Dominique. Allison. Will Atalya and Amis please step forward? Amis is ugly. Atalya is normal. And because this is reality television, we all know what that means. Yep. See ya, Atalya. In her final interview, she says that eliminating her was a big mistake, and that she had a lot of potential. Yeah, but you've never been raped or homeless, so how could you ever be a successful model? Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Makeovers! Who will throw a huge tantrum? Allison and Fatima get into a fight.
Overall Grade: B-
Previously on America's Next Top Model: Another troop of squealing pig-girls descended upon us, hoping to use the show as a stepping stone to make it big in the world of modeling. You know, like Nicole did. Who? Exactly. Marvita was slightly less crazy than in her Season 9 audition, but didn't waste much time before making enemies. Fatima pissed others off as well, but wants to educate the world about the horrors of genital mutilation, so I guess she's allowed to be a jerkweed. An extra girl was let into the finals, so we now have fourteen to contend with. Aiiiie!
New opening credits, which get worse every time they're revamped. They're helpful with matching faces to names, though: Anya (Hawaiian Marblemouth), Atalya (Normal Girl), Whitney (Big Whitney 2), Fatima (er...Fatima, though I don't think I'm giving away too much to surmise that she may be snatching the coveted Bitch title soon), Kimberly (Pug Fugly Blond), Dominique (referred to as the Bitch in Episode 1, though we'll see no further evidence of that tonight), Marvita (Grace Jones Wannabe), Amis (Man-Faced Hag), Aimee (Boring Girl), Allison (Snotty Teen), Stacy-Ann (Perky Child Bride), Claire (Not-Pretty-But-Fascinating Girl), Katarzyna (Polish Import), and Lauren (Gawky Weirdo). God DAMN, that's a lot of girls. Let's start trimming the fat! Or the skinny, as the case may be.
New York City. The girls gather in what appears to be a coffee shop for no reason whatsoever. Marvita describes to us again about how she used to be homeless, and it really says a lot that the girls' trials and tribulations are such a constant background on this show that it's become white noise. Way to make me stop caring about rape, Tyra. Marvita also takes a moment to grill Amis about why she chose that name. You see, since there would be no possible way to discern between Amy and Aimee, Tyra has said that one of them will have to adopt a different name. Yeah, having two people with the same first name is a real head-scratcher. Last initials what? Amis mentions that it's a Biblical name that sort of sounds like Amy, and seizes the opportunity to suggest that if there's one person who doesn't get to make fun of silly, made up names, Marvita.... Heh.
A bemused delivery boy drops off some Tyra Mail, which of course causes the girls to squeal some more. It's a map to the model pad. Yes, the girls must find their way there, instead of just being dropped there in the first place. Gotta fill the hour, I guess. The pad is a loft in an apartment building, and as usual, is decked out with pictures of past contestants. Not Adrianne, of course. She's just a figment of our imaginations. The "theme" of the house is passion, and some of the winners' portraits are augmented by signs mentioning what causes they support. There's also portrait of Robin, and her "If you stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything" quote is stenciled nearby. The facts that Robin was a bigoted, hypocritical snatch, that she used that quote to get out of a photo shoot she didn't feel like doing, and that she got eliminated ten minutes later aren't mentioned. I guess we're just supposed to pretend Robin was really deep, like a latter-day Gandhi with a propensity for leather skirts. Anya says something marble-mouthed. She, Jael, and Christian would get along like a house on fire. There are "No Smoking" signs posted in the loft, so Kimberly, Fatima, and Amis go out onto the street to light up. This somehow offends Atalya, who appears to think the signs refer to the entire city block. Weirdo.
Amis babbles and babbles about nothing. Fatima (whose hair is mysteriously straight all of a sudden) tells her that she's a blabbermouth, and that she'll have trouble making people take her seriously. As always with the girls who attack others for real flaws, I'm kind of torn between "Wow, that was rude" and "Preach it, sister!" Amis handles it better than most girls would, telling Fatima that she's being abrasive, but admitting to being a blab. Marvita makes a mental note to keep an eye on Fatima. The next day, Fatima's hair has magically recurled itself. Miss J and OJ show up, and everyone piles into a bus to take a tour of New York. OJ describes the wonders of Fashion Week, and there's a shot of Kimberly, bored out of her gourd. As the sun sets, the bus arrives at Times Square, where the Jays tell the girls that they'll be doing a runway show right there. The girls deliver their requisite squeals before going back to hair and makeup.
I like to make fun of this show's ridiculous attempts to paint itself as Serious Business, but even I have to admit that the nighttime, Times Square runway show is pretty damn cool. Not that the surroundings help the girls. Marvita clomps down the runway, looking at her feet the entire time. Kimberly disdains the fact that her outfit is so expensive. You can tell how disgusted she's getting with the whole enterprise. Poor Kimberly just wants to go pick up a T-shirt or two at Target. After Marvita, most of the girls do a serviceable to good job on the runway, save Lauren, who may have the worst walk I've ever seen. When they come backstage after the show, Fatima swats Marvita in the head. It appears to be an accident, though it would have been very easy to do on purpose. Marvita confronts her, and Fatima denies hitting her intentionally, and doesn't even offer an apology. Yeah, my apologies to Dominique. The Bitch crown is jumping heads. To her credit, Marvita keeps a lid on her temper, interviewing that Fatima's just trying to provoke her.
When the girls get back to the pad, electronic Tyra Mail awaits, which prompts more squealing. It's something vague about new faces making a good first impression. The next day, the girls go to the modeling agency that will represent the winner, where they're introduced to Paulina Porizkova. She tells the girls that criticism will be harsh in this industry, so why not get started on ripping their self-esteem apart now? She tells Amis she has bad skin, Dominique that she looks like a drag queen, Kimberly that she's too High School Musical, and Marvita that she has a smooshy face. That bitchery dispensed with, the girls are given directions to their first photo shoot. They have to find their way there, too? Is this a new, whinier season of The Amazing Race? The girls hop into a stretch taxi. You heard me. On the way to the shoot, Fatima needles Marvita some more, and Marvita, aside from telling Fatima that she's the first "mean African" Marvita's ever met, refuses to engage her.
The girls arrive at the shoot, and are met by OJ, who's wearing an even more hideous outfit than usual. It's like a light gray, vinyl trenchcoat. He puts on his Serious Voice to tell the girls that they'll be dealing with the issue of Homeless Youth today. And how are Tyra and Company going to help alleviate this crisis? Why, they're going to style the girls as homeless, while actual homeless women will be glammed up to share the picture with them. They get to dress up for a while before going back to their cardboard boxes? Aw, that's so giving! Screw that Mother Teresa loser. Tyra's doing this, plus the day she dressed up as a homeless woman for her talk show, plus the whopping $286.50 she gave to Goodwill. Clearly, she's the best humanitarian of all time. Hair and makeup. After Fatima's shoot, she and Marvita call a truce, bonding over their pasts of homelessness and molestation. I'm not sure whether to give that an "Aw" or an "Ew". As to the shoot, most of the girls do a fairly good job, though Amis sucks.
Back at the pad, Tyra Mail announces the upcoming elimination. Atalya and Claire discuss their nerves, while Kimberly tells Fatima she likes modeling, but hates high fashion. That'll work out well for her. She's like a surgeon who hates the sight of blood. After the commercials, we come into the Chamber of Doom on a picture of Tyra in homeless garb, with a sign that reads "Will Pose For Change". Yeah, she totally takes poverty seriously. The prizes are the same as always, but there is change in the wind. Nigel and Miss J are present to judge (the latter with the stupidest elimination outfit theme to date, ripping a girl's name off his chest as they go), but Twiggy has had enough of this show. And who is there to take her place? Paulina Porizkova! I guess that earlier segment of her ripping on the girls was just to assert her dominance. Before getting to the pictures, Tyra pretends to care about homeless people. That out of the way, let's get to the pretty!
Lauren. She's among my least favorite of the girls, but I like her shot. The judges agree, though Nigel gives her some crap for being nervous at panel. Paulina continues to mark her territory by telling him to cut the girl some slack; people can be nervous for the first couple of weeks. Anya's shot is blah, though the judges like it more than I do. She thankfully keeps her trap shut. Amis' shot is terrible. She's just looking up in what she thinks is a "I'm so sad about being homeless" expression, but is coming across as "Did I turn the oven off?" Paulina hates it. Aimee is still boring. Fatima's shot is excellent, but Tyra says the overall film wasn't very good. Dominique is called a drag queen again, so I guess she's this year's Jaslene. I guess that means she'll win. Her shot's fine, though Tyra tells her to stop squatting in her pictures. Allison is told the homeless women are outshining her, and that OJ said her Pilates training is working against her. What'ere. I'm just distracted by her similarity to Sarah Silverman.
Whitney's shot is great, and she did a wonderful job at the Times Square runway challenge, too. If the plus size thing doesn't do her in, she's a sleeper. Of course, whenever I say that about a girl, she's eliminated within two weeks. Sorry, Whitney. Miss J hated Marvita's runway walk, but her photo is good. Katarzyna has a good picture, though it doesn't knock my socks off. Still, if I had to guess the winner of the season right now, I'd pick her. Not because she's all that, but I can tell the judges love her to pieces. Claire is praised for all but her oddly-placed hand. Atalya's shot is bland, and she's being completely blown out of the water by the homeless women. Stacy-Ann's is also boring. Tyra tells her she did the same five poses on a rotation. Kimberly. Her panel outfit is derided, and Miss J says he's glad to see her smile, because she looked bored to death at the runway show. Tyra asks her if she wants to be here, and Kimberly admits that she's not interested in fashion. Music sting, as if Kimberly just admitted she kills and eats puppies.
Tyra asks her why she even came to the competition, and Kimberly says she wanted to improve her pictures, but can't get into the "designer" thing. I can sort of see where she's coming from, but her nasal voice, combined with the fact that she says "like" as every other word, makes me want to throttle her. Aimee is shaking her head in a panic, silently begging Kimberly to shut up. Tyra does that annoying thing where she chides a girl for taking a place that could have gone to another semi-finalist. The girls aren't psychic, Tyra. Some of them don't know that modeling isn't for them until they start. She asks Kimberly if she wants to go home. Kimberly does. More over-dramatic "OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!" faces from the other girls. Kimberly leaves, and Tyra puts up her best shot for the other girls. The judges say it's good, but I find it meh. In Kimberly's final interview, she just says that her heart wasn't in it. Miss J dramatically tears her picture, because as always, judges like to pretend that they made the decision, and that the power wasn't just snatched away from them. Tyra announces that there will still be an elimination.
Deliberations. Try to watch the judges act as though they couldn't care less about Kimberly's voluntary exit without giggling. I can't do it. Anya is inexplicably popular. Allison is lopsided. Marvita sucks at runway, but is good in other areas. Amis is "warm and lovable", but is a terrible model. Aimee izzzz........ Lauren reminds Paulina of herself. Atalya is blandly pretty. Stacy-Ann had good poses, which is the exact opposite of what they just told her. Katarzyna wears too much makeup. Claire is eager to learn. Whitney is good. And by the way, the judges STILL DON'T CARE about Kimberly quitting. They just want to make really sure that you get that. THEY DON'T CARE. Sure, Tyra. I totally believe you. Dominique is draggy, and wow, am I ever tired of that already. Fatima had one of the best shots of the bunch, but it was her only good picture. The judges reach a decision.
Elimination. Anya is safe. Claire. Whitney. Lauren. Aimee. Fatima. Marvita. Katarzyna. Stacy-Ann. Dominique. Allison. Will Atalya and Amis please step forward? Amis is ugly. Atalya is normal. And because this is reality television, we all know what that means. Yep. See ya, Atalya. In her final interview, she says that eliminating her was a big mistake, and that she had a lot of potential. Yeah, but you've never been raped or homeless, so how could you ever be a successful model? Back to the Future fadeout.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Makeovers! Who will throw a huge tantrum? Allison and Fatima get into a fight.
Overall Grade: B-
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Welcome to Top Model Prep
America's Next Top Model - Season 10, Episode 1
You know how the first episode of every season is a hour full of ear-splitting squeals, the mini-competition to see who has the most fucked-up backstory, the token promise from the token plus-size girl that she's going to go all the way, the fights about nothing, the elimination of legitimately pretty girls to make way for dogs, and Tyra's gargantuan ego?
Welcome to Season 10: Not An Exception!
Actually, all things told, this opener isn't as wretched as I was expecting. After a brief jaunt through Top Model history, in which Adrianne still doesn't exist, and we have to watch Joanie's tooth extraction for the four thousandth time, we get down to meeting the semi-finalists. The weeding-out episode always has a weak theme, and this time, it's that the girls are attending a prep school, and those that pass will make it into the house. Really, it's just an excuse to dress them up as slutty schoolgirls, so they can remind us of pre-psycho Britney.
The girls themselves are the garden-variety famewhores this show attracts, though one or two strike me as pretty cool. The always-distasteful race to see who has the most woeful past includes abusive boyfriends, rape, Mormon mothers, and female circumcision. The latter has befallen Somalia-born Fatima, who may be kind of awesome, and who doesn't win many friends by referring to the other women-of-color in the semi-finals as ghetto. Those other girls somehow fail to realize that if they want to shatter that stereotype, getting up in Fatima's face with the Waving Finger and the Oh No You Di'int Head Bob was probably not a good idea. The other finalists are composed of: Not-Pretty-But-Fascinating Girl, Big Whitney 2, Grace Jones Wannabe, Snotty Teen, Gawky Weirdo, Hawaiian Marblemouth, Normal Girl, Polish Import, Pug Fugly Blond, Perky Child Bride, Man-Faced Hag, and Boring Girl. That's thirteen, but you may note that we're missing someone. So of course, Tyra opens up a fourteenth spot to allow room for the Bitch. Damn.
Overall Grade: B-
You know how the first episode of every season is a hour full of ear-splitting squeals, the mini-competition to see who has the most fucked-up backstory, the token promise from the token plus-size girl that she's going to go all the way, the fights about nothing, the elimination of legitimately pretty girls to make way for dogs, and Tyra's gargantuan ego?
Welcome to Season 10: Not An Exception!
Actually, all things told, this opener isn't as wretched as I was expecting. After a brief jaunt through Top Model history, in which Adrianne still doesn't exist, and we have to watch Joanie's tooth extraction for the four thousandth time, we get down to meeting the semi-finalists. The weeding-out episode always has a weak theme, and this time, it's that the girls are attending a prep school, and those that pass will make it into the house. Really, it's just an excuse to dress them up as slutty schoolgirls, so they can remind us of pre-psycho Britney.
The girls themselves are the garden-variety famewhores this show attracts, though one or two strike me as pretty cool. The always-distasteful race to see who has the most woeful past includes abusive boyfriends, rape, Mormon mothers, and female circumcision. The latter has befallen Somalia-born Fatima, who may be kind of awesome, and who doesn't win many friends by referring to the other women-of-color in the semi-finals as ghetto. Those other girls somehow fail to realize that if they want to shatter that stereotype, getting up in Fatima's face with the Waving Finger and the Oh No You Di'int Head Bob was probably not a good idea. The other finalists are composed of: Not-Pretty-But-Fascinating Girl, Big Whitney 2, Grace Jones Wannabe, Snotty Teen, Gawky Weirdo, Hawaiian Marblemouth, Normal Girl, Polish Import, Pug Fugly Blond, Perky Child Bride, Man-Faced Hag, and Boring Girl. That's thirteen, but you may note that we're missing someone. So of course, Tyra opens up a fourteenth spot to allow room for the Bitch. Damn.
Overall Grade: B-
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